THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM


By Tobias Smollett


The Preface

Of all kinds of satire, there is none so entertaining and 
universally improving, as that which is introduced, as it 
were, occasionally, in the course of an interesting story, 
which brings every incident home to life; and, by 
representing familiar scenes in an uncommon and amusing 
point of view, invests them with all the graces of novelty, 
while nature is appealed to in every particular.
The reader gratifies his curiosity in pursuing the 
adventures of a person in whose favour he is prepossessed; 
he espouses his cause, he sympathizes with him in distress; 
his indignation is heated against the authors of his 
calamity; the humane passions are inflamed; the contrast 
between dejected virtue and insulting vice appears with 
greater aggravation; and every impression having a double 
force on the imagination, the memory retains the 
circumstance, and the heart improves by the example. The 
attention is not tired with a bare catalogue of characters, 
but agreeably diverted with all the variety of invention; 
and the vicissitudes of life appear in their peculiar 
circumstances, opening an ample field for wit and humour.
Romance, no doubt, owes its origin to ignorance, vanity, and 
superstition. In the dark ages of the world, when a man had 
rendered himself famous for wisdom or valour, his family and 
adherents availed themselves of his superior qualities, 
magnified his virtues, and represented his character and 
person as sacred and supernatural. The vulgar easily 
swallowed the bait, implored his protection, and yielded the 
tribute of homage and praise even to adoration; his exploits 
were handed down to posterity with a thousand exaggerations; 
they were repeated as incitements to virtue; divine honours 
were paid, and altars erected to his memory, for the 
encouragement of those who attempted to imitate his example; 
and hence arose the heathen mythology, which is no other 
than a collection of extravagant romances. As earning 
advanced, and genius received cultivation, these stories 
were embellished with the graces of poetry; that they might 
the better recommend themselves to the attention, they were 
sung in public, at festivals, for the instruction and 
delight of the audience; and rehearsed before battle, as 
incentives to deeds of glory. Thus tragedy and the epic muse 
were born, and, in the progress of taste, arrived at 
perfection. It is no wonder that the ancients could not 
relish a fable in prose, after they had seen so many 
remarkable events celebrated in verse, by their best poets; 
we, therefore, find no romance among them, during the era of 
their excellence, unless the Cyropaedia of Xenophon may be 
so called; and it was not till arts and sciences began to 
revive, after the irruption of the Barbarians into Europe, 
that anything of this kind appeared. But when the minds of 
men were debauched, by the imposition of priestcraft, to the 
most absurd pitch of credulity, the authors of romance 
arose, and, losing sight of probability, filled their 
performances with the most monstrous hyperboles. If they 
could not equal the ancient poets in point of genius, they 
were resolved to excel them in fiction, and apply to the 
wonder rather than the judgement of their readers. 
Accordingly they brought necromancy to their aid, and 
instead of supporting the character of their heroes by 
dignity of sentiment and practice, distinguished them by 
their bodily strength, activity, and extravagance of 
behaviour. Although nothing could be more ludicrous and 
unnatural than the figures they drew, they did not want 
patrons and admirers, and the world actually began to be 
infected with the spirit of knight-errantry, when Cervantes, 
by an inimitable piece of ridicule, reformed the taste of 
mankind, representing chivalry in the right point of view, 
and converting romance to purposes far more useful and 
entertaining, by making it assume the sock, and point out 
the follies of ordinary life.
The same method has been practised by other Spanish and 
French authors, and by none more successfully than by 
Monsieur Le Sage, who in his Adventures of Gil Blas, has 
described the knavery and foibles of life, with infinite 
humour and sagacity. The following sheets I have modelled on 
his plan, taking the liberty, however, to differ from him in 
the execution, where I thought his particular situations 
were uncommon, extravagant, or peculiar to the country in 
which the scene is laid. The disgraces of Gil Blas are, for 
the most part, such as rather excite mirth than compassion: 
he himself laughs at them; and his transitions from distress 
to happiness, or at least ease, are so sudden, that neither 
the reader has time to pity him, nor himself to be 
acquainted with affliction. This conduct, in my opinion, not 
only deviates from probability, but prevents that generous 
indignation which ought to animate the reader against the 
sordid and vicious disposition of the world. I have 
attempted to represent modest merit struggling with every 
difficulty to which a friendless orphan is exposed, from his 
own want of experience, as well as from the selfishness, 
envy, malice, and base indifference of mankind. To secure a 
favourable prepossession, I have allowed him the advantages 
of birth and education, which, in the series of his 
misfortunes, will, I hope, engage the ingenuous more warmly 
in his behalf; and though I foresee that some people will be 
offended at the mean scenes in which he is involved, I 
persuade myself the judicious will not only perceive the 
necessity of describing those situations, to which he must 
of course be confined, in his low state, but also find 
entertainment in viewing those parts of life, where the 
humours and passions are undisguised by affectation, 
ceremony, or education; and the whimsical peculiarities of 
disposition appear as nature has implanted them. But I 
believe I need not trouble myself in vindicating a practice 
authorized by the best writers in this way, some of whom I 
have already named.
Every intelligent reader will, at first sight, perceive I 
have not deviated from nature in the facts, which are all 
true in the main, although the circumstances are altered and 
disguised, to avoid personal satire.
It now remains to give my reasons for making the chief 
personage of this work a North Briton; which are chiefly 
these: I could at a small expense bestow on him such 
education as I thought the dignity of his birth and 
character required, which could not possibly be obtained in 
England, by such slender means as the nature of my plan 
would afford. In the next place, I could represent 
simplicity of manners in a remote part of the kingdom, with 
more propriety than in any other place near the capital; and 
lastly, the disposition of the Scots, addicted to 
travelling, justifies my conduct in deriving an adventurer 
from that country.
That the delicate reader may not be offended at the 
unmeaning oaths which proceed from the mouths of some 
persons in these memoirs, I beg leave to premise, that I 
imagined nothing could more effectually expose the absurdity 
of such miserable expletives, than a natural and verbal 
representation of the discourse in which they occur.


Apologue

A young painter, indulging a vein of pleasantry, sketched a 
kind of conversation-piece, representing a bear, an owl, a 
monkey, and an ass; and to render it more striking, 
humorous, and moral, distinguished every figure by some 
emblem of human life.
Bruin was exhibited in the garb and attitude of an old, 
toothless, drunken soldier; the owl, perched upon the handle 
of a coffee pot, with spectacles on his nose, seemed to 
contemplate a newspaper; and the ass, ornamented with a huge 
tie-wig (which, however, could not conceal his long ears), 
sat for his picture to the monkey, who appeared with the 
implements of painting. This whimsical group afforded some 
mirth, and met with general approbation, until some 
mischievous wag hinted that the whole was a lampoon upon the 
friends of the performer; an insinuation which was no sooner 
circulated, than those very people who applauded it before 
began to be alarmed, and even to fancy themselves signified 
by the several figures of the piece.
Among others, a worthy personage in years, who had served in 
the army with reputation, being incensed at the supposed 
outrage, repaired to the lodgings of the painter, and, 
finding him at home, 'Hark ye, Mr Monkey,' said he, 'I have 
a good mind to convince you, that though the bear has lost 
his teeth, he retains his paws, and that he is not so drunk 
but he can perceive your impertinence - 'Sblood! sir, that 
toothless jaw is a d-ned scandalous libel - but don't you 
imagine me so chop-fallen as not to be able to chew the cud 
of resentment.' Here he was interrupted by the arrival of a 
learned physician, who, advancing to the culprit with fury 
in his aspect, exclaimed, 'Suppose the augmentation of the 
ass's ears should prove the diminution of the baboon's - 
nay, seek not to prevaricate, for by the beard of 
Esculapius! there is not one hair in this periwig that will 
not stand up in judgement to convict thee of personal abuse. 
- Do but observe, Captain, how this pitiful little fellow 
has copied the very curls - the colour, indeed, is 
different, but then the form and foretop are quite similar.' 
While he thus remonstrated in a strain of vociferation, a 
venerable senator entered, and waddling up to the 
delinquent, 'Jackanapes!' cried he, 'I will now let thee see 
I can read something else than a newspaper, and that, 
without the help of spectacles - here is your own note of 
hand, sirrah, for money which, if I had not advanced, you 
yourself would have resembled an owl, in not daring to show 
your face by day, you ungrateful slanderous knave!'
In vain the astonished painter declared that he had no 
intention to give offence, or to characterize particular 
persons: they affirmed the resemblance was too palpable to 
be overlooked; they taxed him with insolence, malice, and 
ingratitude; and their clamours being overheard by the 
public, the captain was a bear, the doctor an ass, and the 
senator an owl, to his dying day.
Christian reader, I beseech thee, in the bowels of the Lord, 
remember this example while thou art employed in the perusal 
of the following sheets; and seek not to appropriate to 
thyself that which equally belongs to five hundred different 
people. If thou shouldst meet with a character that reflects 
thee in some ungracious particular, keep thy own counsel; 
consider that one feature makes not a face, and that, though 
thou art, perhaps, distinguished by a bottle nose, twenty of 
thy neighbours may be in the same predicament.



Chapter 1

I was born in the northern part of this united kingdom, in 
the house of my grandfather; a gentleman of considerable 
fortune and influence, who had, on many occasions, 
signalized himself in behalf of his country; and was 
remarkable for his abilities in the law, which he exercised 
with great success, in the station of a judge, particularly 
against beggars, for whom he had a singular aversion.
My father, his youngest son, falling in love with a poor 
relation, who lived with the old gentleman in quality of 
housekeeper, espoused her privately; and I was the first 
fruit of that marriage. During her pregnancy, a dream 
discomposed my mother so much, that her husband, tired with 
her importunity, at last consulted a Highland seer, whose 
favourable interpretation he would have secured beforehand 
by a bribe, but found him incorruptible. She dreamed she was 
delivered of a tennis-ball, which the devil (who, to her 
great surprise, acted the part of midwife) struck so 
forcibly with a racket, that it disappeared in an instant; 
and she was for some time inconsolable for the loss of her 
offspring; when all of a sudden, she beheld it return with 
equal violence, and enter the earth beneath her feet, whence 
immediately sprung up a goodly tree covered with blossoms, 
the scent of which operated so strongly on her nerves, that 
she awoke. The attentive sage, after some deliberation, 
assured my parents, that their first-born would be a great 
traveller; that he would undergo many dangers and 
difficulties, and at last return to his native land, where 
he would flourish in happiness and reputation. How truly 
this was foretold, will appear in the sequel. It was not 
long before some officious person informed my grandfather of 
certain familiarities that passed between his son and 
housekeeper, which alarmed him so much, that a few days 
after, he told my father it was high time for him to think 
of settling; and that he had provided a match for him, to 
which he could in justice have no objections. My father, 
finding it would be impossible to conceal his situation much 
longer, frankly owned what he had done, and excused himself 
for not having asked the consent of his father, by saying, 
he knew it would have been to no purpose; and that, had his 
inclination been known, my grandfather might have taken such 
measures as would have effectually put the gratification of 
it out of his power. He added, that no exceptions could be 
taken of his wife's virtue, birth, beauty, and good sense; 
and as for fortune, it was beneath his care. The old 
gentleman, who kept all his passions, except one, in 
excellent order, heard him to an end with great temper; and 
then calmly asked, how he proposed to maintain himself and 
spouse? He replied, he could be in no danger of wanting, 
while his father's tenderness remained, which he and his 
wife should always cultivate with the utmost veneration; 
that he was persuaded his allowance would be suitable to the 
dignity and circumstances of his family, and to the 
provision already made for his brothers and sisters, who 
were happily settled under his protection. 'Your brothers 
and sisters,' said my grandfather, 'did not think it beneath 
them to consult me in an affair of such importance as 
matrimony; neither, I suppose, would you have omitted that 
piece of duty, had not you some secret fund in reserve, to 
the comforts of which I leave you, with a desire that you 
will this night seek out another habitation for yourself and 
wife, whither, in a short time, I will send you an account 
of the expense I have been at in your education, with a view 
of being reimbursed. Sir, you have made the grand tour - you 
are a polite gentleman - a very pretty gentleman - I wish 
you a great deal of joy, and am your very humble servant.' 
So saying, he left my father in a situation easily imagined. 
However, he did not long hesitate; for, being perfectly well 
acquainted with his father's disposition, he did not doubt 
that he was glad of this pretence to get rid of him; and his 
resolves being invariable as the laws of the Medes and 
Persians, he knew it would be to no purpose to attempt him 
by prayers and entreaties; so, without any further 
application, he betook himself with his disconsolate bed-
fellow, to a farmhouse, where an old servant of his mother 
dwelt. There they remained for some time in a situation but 
ill adapted to the elegance of their desires, and tenderness 
of their love; which, nevertheless, my father chose to 
endure, rather than supplicate an unnatural and inflexible 
parent. But my mother, foreseeing the inconvenience to which 
she must have been exposed, had she been delivered in this 
place (and her pregnancy was very far advanced), without 
communicating her design to her husband, went in disguise to 
the house of my grandfather, hoping that her tears and 
condition would move him to compassion, and reconcile him to 
an event which was now irrevocably past. She found means to 
deceive the servants, and was introduced as an unfortunate 
lady, who wanted to complain of some matrimonial grievances; 
it being my grandfather's particular province to decide in 
all cases of scandal. She was accordingly admitted into his 
presence; where discovering herself, she fell at his feet, 
and in the most affecting manner implored his forgiveness; 
at the same time representing the danger that threatened not 
only her life, but that of his own grandchild, which was 
about to see the light. He told her, he was sorry that the 
indiscretion of her and his son had compelled him to make a 
vow, which put it out of his power to give them any 
assistance; that he had already imparted his thoughts on 
that subject to her husband, and was surprised that they 
should disturb his peace with any further importunity. This 
said, he retired. The violence of my mother's affliction had 
such an effect on her constitution, that she was immediately 
seized with the pains of childbed; and had not an old 
maidservant, to whom she was very dear, afforded her pity 
and assistance, at the hazard of incurring my grandfather's 
displeasure, she and the innocent fruit of her womb must 
have fallen miserable victims to his rigour and inhumanity. 
By the friendship of this poor woman, she was carried up to 
a garret, and immediately delivered of a man-child, the 
story of whose unfortunate birth he himself now relates. My 
father being informed of what had happened, flew to the 
embraces of his darling spouse, and, while he loaded his 
offspring with paternal caresses, could not forbear shedding 
a flow of tears, on beholding the dear partner of his heart, 
for whose ease he would have sacrificed the treasures of the 
East, stretched upon a flock bed in a miserable apartment, 
unable to protect her from the inclemencies of the weather. 
It is not to be supposed, that the old gentleman was 
ignorant of what passed, though he affected to know nothing 
of the matter, and pretended to be very much surprised, when 
one of his grandchildren, by his eldest son deceased, who 
lived with him as his heir apparent, acquainted him with the 
affair. He determined, therefore, to observe no medium, but 
immediately on the third day of her delivery, sent her a 
peremptory order to be gone, and turned off the servant who 
had preserved her life. This behaviour so exasperated my 
father, that he had recourse to the most dreadful 
imprecations; and, on his bare knees, implored that Heaven 
would renounce him, if ever he should forget or forgive the 
barbarity of his sire. The injuries which this unhappy 
mother received from her removal in such circumstances, and 
the want of necessaries where she lodged, together with her 
grief and anxiety of mind, soon threw her into a languishing 
disorder, which put an end to her life. My father, who loved 
her tenderly, was so affected with her death, that he 
remained six weeks deprived of his senses; during which 
time, the people where he lodged carried the infant to the 
old man, who relented so far, on hearing the melancholy 
story of his daughter-in-law's death, and the deplorable 
condition of his son, as to send the child to nurse; and he 
ordered my father to be carried home to his house, where he 
soon recovered the use of his reason. Whether this hard-
hearted judge felt any remorse for his cruel treatment of 
his son and daughter, or (which is more probable) was afraid 
his character would suffer in the neighbourhood, he 
professed great sorrow for his conduct to my father, whose 
delirium was succeeded by a profound melancholy and reserve. 
At length he disappeared, and notwithstanding all imaginable 
inquiry, could not be heard of; a circumstance which 
confirmed most people of his having made away with himself 
in a fit of despair. How I understood the particulars of my 
birth, will appear in the course of these memoirs.


Chapter 2

There were not wanting some who suspected my uncles of being 
concerned in my father's fate, on the supposition that they 
would all share in the patrimony destined for him; and this 
conjecture was strengthened by reflecting, that, in all his 
calamities, they never discovered the least inclination to 
serve him; but, on the contrary, by all the artifices in 
their power, fed his father's resentment, and supported his 
resolution of leaving him to misery and want. But people of 
judgement treated this situation as an idle chimera; 
because, had my relations been so wicked as to consult their 
interest by committing such an atrocious crime, the fate of 
my father would have extended to me too, whose life was 
another obstacle to their expectation. Meanwhile, I grew 
apace; and as I strongly resembled my father, who was the 
darling of the tenants, I wanted nothing which their 
indigent circumstances could afford: but their favour was a 
weak resource against the jealous enmity of my cousins; who, 
the more my infancy promised, conceived the more implacable 
hatred against me; and, before I was six years of age, had 
so effectually blockaded my grandfather, that I never saw 
him but by stealth; when I sometimes made up to his chair, 
as he sat to view his labourers in the field: on which 
occasions, he would stroke my head, bid me be a good boy, 
and promise to take care of me. I was soon after sent to a 
school in a village hard by, of which he had been dictator 
time out of mind; but as he neither paid for my board, nor 
supplied me with clothes, books, and other necessaries I 
required, my condition was very ragged and contemptible; and 
the schoolmaster, who, through fear of my grandfather, 
taught me gratis, gave himself no concern about the progress 
I made under his instruction. In spite of all these 
difficulties and disgraces, I became a good proficient in 
the Latin tongue; and as soon as I could write tolerably, 
pestered my grandfather with letters to such a degree, that 
he sent for my master, and chid him severely for bestowing 
such pains on my education, telling him, that if ever I 
should be brought to the gallows for forgery, which he had 
taught me to commit, my blood would lie on his head. The 
pedant, who dreaded nothing more than the displeasure of his 
patron, assured his honour, that the boy's ability was more 
owing to his own genius and application, than to any 
instruction or encouragement he received; that, although he 
could not divest him of the knowledge he had already imbibed 
unless he would empower him to disable his fingers, he 
should endeavour, with God's help, to prevent his future 
improvement. And, indeed, he punctually performed what he 
had undertaken; for, on pretence that I had writ impertinent 
letters to my grandfather, he caused a board to be made with 
five holes in it, through which he thrust the fingers and 
thumb of my right hand, and fastened it with a whip-cord to 
my wrist, in such a manner as effectually debarred me the 
use of my pen. But this restraint I was freed from in a few 
days, by an accident which happened in a quarrel between me 
and another boy, who, taking upon him to insult my poverty, 
I was so incensed at his ungenerous reproach, that, with one 
stroke of my machine, I cut him to the skull, to the great 
terror of myself and school-fellows, who left him bleeding 
on the ground, and ran to inform the master of what had 
happened. I was so severely punished for this trespass, 
that, were I to live to the age of Methusalem, the 
impression it made on me would not be effaced; no more than 
the antipathy and horror I conceived for the merciless 
tyrant who inflicted it. The contempt which my appearance 
naturally produced in all who saw me, the continual wants to 
which I was exposed, and my own haughty disposition, 
impatient of affronts, involved me in a thousand troublesome 
adventures, by which I was at length inured to adversity, 
and emboldened to undertakings far above my years. I was 
often inhumanly scourged for crimes I did not commit; 
because, having the character of a vagabond in the village, 
every piece of mischief, whose author lay unknown, was 
charged upon me. I have been found guilty of robbing 
orchards I never entered, of killing cats I never hurted, of 
stealing gingerbread I never touched, and of abusing old 
women I never saw. Nay, a stammering carpenter had eloquence 
enough to persuade my master that I fired a pistol, loaded 
with small shot, into his window; though my landlady and the 
whole family bore witness, that I was abed fast asleep at 
the time when this outrage was committed. I was once flogged 
for having narrowly escaped drowning, by the sinking of a 
ferry boat in which I was passenger; another time for having 
recovered of a bruise occasioned by a horse and cart running 
over me; a third time for being bit by a baker's dog. In 
short, whether I was guilty or unfortunate, the correction 
and sympathy of this arbitrary pedagogue were the same. Far 
from being subdued by this infernal usage, my indignation 
triumphed over that slavish awe which had hitherto enforced 
my obedience; and the more my years and knowledge increased, 
the more I perceived the injustice and barbarity of his 
behaviour. By the help of an uncommon genius, and the advice 
and direction of our usher, who had served my father in his 
travels, I made a surprising progress in the classics, 
writings, and arithmetic; so that, before I was twelve years 
old, I was allowed by everybody to be the best scholar in 
the school. This qualification, together with a boldness of 
temper, and strength of make, which had subjected almost all 
my contemporaries, gave me such influence over them, that I 
began to form cabals against my persecutor, and was in hopes 
of being able to bid him defiance in a very short time. 
Being at the head of a faction consisting of thirty boys, 
most of them of my own age, I was determined to put their 
metal to trial, that I might know how far they were to be 
depended upon, before I put my grand scheme in execution: 
with this view, we attacked a body of stout apprentices, who 
had taken possession of a part of the ground allotted to us 
for the scene of our diversions, and who were then playing 
at nine-pins on the spot: but I had the mortification to see 
my adherents routed in an instant, and a leg of one of them 
broke in his flight by the bowl, which one of our 
adversaries had detached in pursuit of us. This discomfiture 
did not hinder us from engaging them afterwards in frequent 
skirmishes, which we maintained by throwing stones at a 
distance, wherein I received many wounds, the scars of which 
still remain. Our enemies were so harassed and interrupted 
by these alarms, that they at last abandoned their conquest, 
and left us to the peaceable enjoyment of our own 
territories. It would be endless to enumerate the exploits 
we performed in the course of this confederacy, which became 
the terror of the whole village; in so much, that when 
different interests divided it, one of the parties commonly 
courted the assistance of Roderick Random (by which name I 
was known), to cast the balance, and keep the opposite 
faction in awe. Meanwhile, I took the advantage of every 
play-day to present myself before my grandfather, to whom I 
seldom found access, by reason of his being closely besieged 
by a numerous family of his female grandchildren, who, 
though they perpetually quarrelled among themselves, never 
failed to join against me, as the common enemy of all. His 
heir, who was about the age of eighteen, minded nothing but 
fox-hunting, and indeed, was qualified for nothing else, 
notwithstanding his grandfather's indulgence, in 
entertaining a tutor for him at home, who at the same time 
performed the office of parish-clerk. This young Actaeon, 
who inherited his grandfather's antipathy to everything in 
distress, never set eyes on me, without uncoupling his 
beagles, and hunting me into some cottage or other, whither 
I generally fled for shelter. In this Christian amusement, 
he was encouraged by his preceptor, who, no doubt, took such 
Opportunities to ingratiate himself with the rising sun, 
observing that the old gentleman, according to the course of 
nature, had not long to live, for he was already on the 
verge of fourscore. The behaviour of this rascally sycophant 
incensed me so much, that one day, when I was beleaguered by 
him and his hounds in a farmer's house, where I found 
protection, I took aim at him (being an excellent marksman) 
with a large pebble, which struck out four of his fore-
teeth, and effectually incapacitated him for doing the 
office of a clerk.


Chapter 3

About this time, my mother's only brother, who had been long 
abroad, lieutenant of a man-of-war, arrived in his own 
country; where, being informed of my condition, he came to 
see me, and, out of his slender finances, not only supplied 
me with what necessaries I wanted for the present, but 
resolved not to leave the country until he had prevailed on 
my grandfather to settle something handsome on me for the 
future. This was a task to which he was by no means equal, 
being entirely ignorant, not only of the judge's 
disposition, but also unacquainted with the ways of men in 
general, to which his education on board had kept him an 
utter stranger. He was a strong-built man, somewhat bandy-
legged, with a neck like that of a bull, and a face which 
(you might easily perceive) had withstood the most obstinate 
assaults of the weather. His dress consisted of a soldier's 
coat, altered for him by the ship's tailor, a striped 
flannel jacket, a pair of red breeches, japanned with pitch, 
clean grey worsted stockings, large silver buckles that 
covered three-fourths of his shoes, a silver-laced hat, 
whose crown overlooked the brims about an inch and a half, a 
black bob wig in buckle, a check shirt, a silk handkerchief, 
an hanger with a brass handle, girded to his thigh by a 
tarnished laced belt, and a good oak plant under his arm. 
Thus equipped, he set out with me (who, by his bounty, made 
a very decent appearance) for my grandfather's house, where 
we were saluted by Jowler and Caesar, whom my cousin, young 
master, had let loose at our approach. Being well acquainted 
with the inveteracy of these curs, I was about to betake 
myself to my heels, when my uncle seized me with one hand, 
brandished his cudgel with the other, and at one blow laid 
Caesar sprawling on the ground; but finding himself attacked 
at the same time in the rear by Jowler, and fearing Caesar 
might recover, he drew his hanger, wheeled about, and, by a 
lucky stroke, severed Jowler's head from his body. By this 
time, the young fox-hunter and three servants, armed with 
pitchforks and flails, were come to the assistance of the 
dogs, whom they found breathless on the field; and my cousin 
was so provoked at the death of his favourites, that he 
ordered his attendants to advance and take vengeance on 
their executioner, whom he loaded with all the curses and 
reproaches his anger could suggest. Upon which my uncle 
stepped forward with an undaunted air, at the sight of whose 
bloody weapon his antagonists fell back with precipitation, 
when he accosted their leader thus: 'Lookee, brother, your 
dogs have boarded me without provocation - what I did was in 
my own defence. So you had best be civil, and let us shoot 
ahead clear of you.' Whether the young squire misinterpreted 
my uncle's desire of peace, or was enraged at the fate of 
his hounds beyond his usual pitch of resolution, I know not; 
but he snatched a flail from one of his followers, and came 
up with a show of assaulting the lieutenant, who, putting 
himself in a posture of defence, proceeded thus: 'Lookee, 
you lubberly son of a w-e, if you come athwart me, 'ware 
your gingerbread work, I'll be foul of your quarter, damn 
me.' This declaration, followed by a flourish of his hanger, 
seemed to check the progress of the young gentleman's 
choler, who, looking behind him, perceived his attendants 
had slunk into the house, shut the gate, and left him to 
decide the contention by himself. Here a parley ensued, 
which was introduced by my cousin's asking, 'Who the devil 
are you? What do you want? - Some scoundrel of a seaman, I 
suppose, who has deserted, and turned thief. But don't think 
you shall escape, sirrah; I'll have you hanged, you dog, I 
will; your blood shall pay for that of my two hounds, you 
ragamuffin. I would not have parted with them to save your 
whole generation from the gallows, you ruffian, you.' 'None 
of your jaw, you swab - none of your jaw,' replied my uncle -
 'else I shall trim your laced jacket for you - I shall rub 
you down with an oaken towel, my boy - I shall.' So saying, 
he sheathed his hanger and grasped his cudgel. Meanwhile, 
the people of the house being alarmed, one of my female 
cousins opened a window, and asked what was the matter? 'The 
matter!' answered the lieutenant, 'no great matter, young 
woman. I have business with the old gentleman, and this 
spark, belike, won't allow me to come alongside of him, 
that's all.' After a few minutes' pause, we were admitted, 
and conducted to my grandfather's chamber, through a lane of 
my relations, who honoured me with very significant looks, 
as I passed along. When we came into the judge's presence, 
my uncle, after two or three sea-bows, expressed himself in 
this manner: 'Your servant - your servant. What cheer, 
father? - what cheer? - I suppose you don't know me - mayhap 
you don't. My name is Tom Bowling; and this here boy - you 
look as if you did not know him neither; 'tis like you 
mayn't. He's new rigg'd, i'faith; his cloth don't shake in 
the wind so much as it wont to do. 'Tis my nephew, d'ye see, 
Roderick Random - your own flesh and blood, old gentleman. 
Don't lag astern, you dog,' pulling me forward. My 
grandfather (who was laid up with the gout) received this 
relation, after his long absence, with that coldness of 
civility which was peculiar to him; told him he was glad to 
see him, and desired him to sit down. 'Thank ye, thank ye, 
Sir, I had as lief stand,' said my uncle. 'For my own part, 
I desire nothing of you; but if you have any conscience at 
all, do something for this poor boy, who has been used at a 
very unchristian rate. Unchristian, do I call it? I am sure 
the Moors in Barbary have more humanity than to leave their 
little ones to want. I would fain know why my sister's son 
is more neglected than that there fair-weather Jack' 
(pointing to the young squire, who, with the rest of my 
cousins, had followed us into the room). 'Is not he as near 
akin to you as the other? Is not he much handsomer and 
better built than that great chucklehead? Come, come - 
consider, old gentleman, you are going in a short time to 
give an account of your evil actions. Remember the wrongs 
you did his father; and make all the satisfaction in your 
power, before it be too late. The least thing you can do is 
to settle his father's portion on him.' The young ladies, 
who thought themselves too much concerned to contain 
themselves any longer, set up their throats all together 
against my protector, 'Scurvy companion - saucy tarpaulin - 
rude, impertinent fellow - did he think to prescribe to 
grandpapa? His sister's brat had been too well taken care 
of; grandpapa was too just not to make a difference between 
an unnatural rebellious son, and his dutiful loving 
children, who took his advice in all things' - and such 
expressions, were vented against him with great violence, 
until the judge at length commanded silence. He calmly 
rebuked my uncle for his unmannerly behaviour, which he said 
he would excuse, on account of his education. He told him he 
had been very kind to the boy, whom he had kept to school 
seven or eight years, although he was informed he made no 
progress in his learning, but was addicted to all manner of 
vice; which he rather believed, because he himself was 
witness to a barbarous piece of mischief he had committed on 
the Jaws of his chaplain. But, however, he would see what 
the lad was fit for, and bind him apprentice to some honest 
tradesman or other, provided he would mend his manners, and 
behave for the future as became him. The honest tar, whose 
pride and indignation boiled within him, answered my 
grandfather, that it was true he had sent him to school, but 
it had cost him nothing; for he had never been at one 
shilling expense to furnish him with food, raiment, books, 
or other necessaries; so that it was not to be much wondered 
at, if the boy made small progress; and yet, whoever told 
him so, was a lying lubberly rascal, and deserved to be keel-
hauled. For though he (the lieutenant) did not understand 
those matters himself, he was well informed as how Rory was 
the best scholar of his age in all the country; the truth of 
which he would maintain, by laying a wager of his whole half-
year's pay on the boy's head (with these words, he pulled 
out his purse, and challenged the company). 'Neither is he 
predicted to vice, as you affirm, but rather left like a 
wreck, d'ye see, at the mercy of the wind and weather by 
your neglect, old gentleman. As for what happened to your 
chaplain, I am only sorry that he did not knock out the 
scoundrel's brains, instead of his teeth. By the Lord, if 
ever I come up with him, he had better be in Greenland - 
that's all. Thank you for your courteous offer of binding 
the lad apprentice to a tradesman. I suppose you would make 
a tailor of him - would you? I had rather see him hanged, 
d'ye see. Come along, Rory, I perceive how the land lies, my 
boy; let's tack about - i'faith, while I have a shilling, 
thou shan't want a tester. B'wye, old gentleman, you're 
bound for the other world, but I believe damnably ill 
provided for the voyage.' Thus ended our visit, and we 
returned to the village, my uncle muttering curses all the 
way against the old shark and the young fry that surrounded 
him.


Chapter 4

A few weeks after our first visit, we were informed that the 
old judge, at the end of a fit of thoughtfulness which 
lasted three days, had sent for a notary, and made his will; 
that the distemper had mounted from his legs to his stomach, 
and, being conscious of his approaching end, he had desired 
to see all his descendants without exception. In obedience 
to this summons, my uncle set out with me a second time, to 
receive the last benediction of my grandfather: often 
repeating by the road, 'Ey, ey, we have brought up the old 
hulk at last. You shall see - you shall see the effect of my 
admonition.' When we entered his chamber, which was crowded 
with his relations, we advanced to the bedside, where we 
found him in his last agonies, supported by two of his 
granddaughters, who sat on each side of him, sobbing most 
piteously, and wiping away the froth and slaver as it 
gathered on his lips, which they frequently kissed with a 
show of great anguish and affection. My uncle approached 
them with these words: 'What! he's not aweigh? How fare ye, 
old gentleman? - Lord have mercy upon your sinful soul.' 
Upon which the dying man turned his languid eyes towards us, 
and Mr Bowling went on, 'Here's poor Rory come to see you 
before you die, and receive your blessing. What, man! don't 
despair - you have been a great sinner, 'tis true, what 
then? There's a righteous judge above - an't there? - He 
minds me no more than a porpoise. Yes, yes, he's agoing - 
the land crabs will have him, I see that - his anchor's 
apeak, i'faith.' This homely consolation scandalized the 
company so much, and especially the parson, who probably 
thought his province invaded, that we were obliged to retire 
into the other room, where, in a few minutes, we were 
convinced of my grandfather's decease, by a dismal yell 
uttered by the young ladies in his apartment; whither we 
immediately hastened, and found his heir, who had retired a 
little before into a closet, under pretence of giving vent 
to his sorrow, asking, with a countenance beslubbered with 
tears, if his grandpapa was certainly dead? - 'Dead!' says 
my uncle, looking at the body, 'ay, ay, I'll warrant him as 
dead as a herring. Odds fish! now my dream is out for all 
the world. I thought I stood upon the forecastle, and saw a 
parcel of carrion crows foul of a dead shark that floated 
alongside, and the devil perching on our sprit-sail yard, in 
the likeness of a blue bear - who, d'ye see, jumped 
overboard upon the carcass, and carried it to the bottom in 
its claws.' 'Out upon thee, reprobate,' cries the parson, 
'out upon thee, blasphemous wretch! - Dost thou think his 
honour's soul is in the possession of Satan?' The clamour 
immediately arose, and my poor uncle, being shouldered from 
one corner of the room to the other, was obliged to lug out 
in his own defence, and swear he would turn out for no man, 
till such time as he knew who had a title to send him 
adrift. 'None of your tricks upon travellers,' said he; 
'mayhap old buff has left my kinsman here his heir: if he 
has, it will be the better for his miserable soul. Odds bob! 
I'd desire no better news. I'd soon make him a clear ship, I 
warrant you.' To avoid any further disturbance, one of my 
grandfather's executors, who was present, assured Mr Bowling 
that his nephew should have all manner of justice; that a 
day should be appointed, after the funeral, for examining 
the papers of the deceased, in presence of all his 
relations; till which time every desk and cabinet in the 
house should remain close sealed; and that he was very 
welcome to be witness to this ceremony, which was 
immediately performed to his satisfaction. In the meantime, 
orders were given to provide mourning for all the relations, 
in which number I was included: but my uncle would not 
suffer me to accept of it, until I should be assured whether 
or not I had reason to honour his memory so far. During this 
interval, the conjectures of people, with regard to the old 
gentleman's will, were various. As it was well known he had, 
besides his landed estate, which was worth £700 per annum, 
six or seven thousand pounds at interest, some imagined, 
that the whole real estate (which he had greatly improved) 
would go to the young man whom he always entertained as his 
heir; and that the money would be equally divided between my 
female cousins (five in number) and me. Others were of 
opinion, that as the rest of his children had been already 
provided for, he would only bequeath two or three hundred 
pounds to each of his granddaughters, and leave the bulk of 
the sum to me, to atone for his unnatural usage of my 
father. At length the important hour arrived, and the will 
was produced in the midst of the expectants, whose looks and 
gestures formed a group that would have been very 
entertaining to an unconcerned spectator. But the reader can 
scarce conceive the astonishment and mortification that 
appeared, when the attorney pronounced aloud, the young 
squire sole heir of all his grandfather's estate, personal 
and real. My uncle, who had listened with great attention, 
sucking the head of his cudgel all the while, accompanied 
these words of the attorney with a stare, and whew, that 
alarmed the whole assembly. The eldest and pertest of my 
female competitors, who had been always very officious about 
my grandfather's person, inquired with a faltering accent, 
and visage as yellow as an orange, 'If there were no 
legacies?' and was answered, 'None at all.' Upon which she 
fainted away. The rest, whose expectations, perhaps, were 
not so sanguine, supported their disappointment with more 
resolution; though not without giving evident marks of 
indignation, and grief at least as genuine as that which 
appeared in them at the old gentleman's death. My conductor, 
having kicked with his heel for some time against the 
wainscot, began: 'So there's no legacy, friend, ha! - here's 
an old succubus - but somebody's soul howls for it, damn 
me!' The parson of the parish, who was one of the executors, 
and had acted as ghostly director to the old man, no sooner 
heard this exclamation than he cried out, 'Avaunt, 
unchristian reviler! avaunt! - wilt thou not allow the soul 
of his honour to rest in peace?' But this zealous pastor did 
not find himself so warmly seconded, as formerly, by the 
young ladies, who now joined my uncle against him, and 
accused him of having acted the party of a busybody with 
their grandpapa, whose ears he had certainly abused by false 
stories to their prejudice, or else he would not have 
neglected them in such an unnatural manner. The young squire 
was much diverted with this scene, and whispered to my 
uncle, that, if he had not murdered his dogs, he would have 
shown him glorious fun, by hunting a black badger (so he 
termed the clergyman). The surly lieutenant, who was not in 
an humour to relish this amusement, replied, 'You and your 
dogs may be damned; I suppose you'll find them with your old 
dad, in the latitude of hell. Come, Rory - about ship, my 
lad - we must steer another course, I think.' - And away we 
went.



Chapter 5

On our way back to the village, my uncle spoke not a word 
during the space of a whole hour, but whistled, with great 
vehemence, the tune of 'Why should we quarrel for riches,' 
etc., his visage being contracted all the while into a most 
formidable frown. At length his pace increased to such a 
degree, that I was left behind a considerable way. Then he 
waited for me; and, when I was almost up with him, called 
out in a surly tone, 'Bear a hand, damme! must I bring-to 
every rninute for you, you lazy dog?' Then, laying hold of 
me by the arm, hauled me along, until his good nature (of 
which he had a great share) and reflection getting the 
better of his passion, he said, 'Come, my boy, don't be cast 
down - the old rascal is in hell - that's some satisfaction; 
you shall go to sea with me, my lad. - "A light heart and a 
thin pair of breeches goes through the world, brave boys", 
as the song goes, eh!' Though this proposal did not at all 
suit my inclination, I was afraid of discovering any 
aversion to it, lest I should disoblige the only friend I 
had in the world; and he was so much a seaman, that he never 
dreamt I could have any objection to his design, 
consequently gave himself no trouble in consulting my 
approbation. But this resolution was soon dropt, by the 
advice of our usher, who assured Mr Bowling, it would be a 
thousand pities to baulk my genius, which would certainly, 
one day, make my fortune on shore, provided it received due 
cultivation. Upon which this generous tar determined (though 
he could ill afford it) to give me university education; and 
accordingly settled my board and other expenses, at a town 
not many miles distant, famous for its colleges, whither we 
repaired in a short time. But, before the day of our 
departure, the schoolmaster, who no longer had the fear of 
my grandfather before his eyes, laid aside all decency and 
restraint, and not only abused me in the grossest language 
his rancour could suggest, as a wicked, profligate, dull, 
beggarly miscreant, whom he had taught out of charity; but 
also inveighed in the most bitter manner against the memory 
of the judge (who, by-the-bye, had procured that settlement 
for him), hinting in pretty plain terms, that the old 
gentleman's soul was damn'd to all eternity, for his 
injustice in neglecting to pay for my learning. This brutal 
behaviour, added to the sufferings I had formerly undergone, 
made me think it high time to be revenged of this insolent 
pedagogue. Having consulted my adherents, I found them all 
staunch in their promises to stand by me; and our scheme was 
this: in the afternoon preceding the day of my departure for 
the university, I resolved to take the advantage of the 
usher's going out to make water, which he regularly did at 
four o'clock, and shut the great door, that he might not 
come in to the assistance of his superior. This being done, 
the assault was to be begun, by my advancing to my master, 
and spitting in his face. I was to be seconded by two of the 
strongest boys in the school, who were devoted to me; their 
business was to join me in dragging the tyrant to a bench, 
over which he was to be laid, and his bare posteriors 
heartily flogged with his own birch, which we proposed to 
wrest from him in the struggle; but if we should find him 
too many for us all three, we were to demand the assistance 
of our competitors, who should be ready to reinforce us, or 
oppose anything that might be undertaken for the master's 
relief. One of my principal assistants was called Jeremy 
Gawky, son and heir of a wealthy gentleman in the 
neighbourhood; and the name of the other, Hugh Strap, the 
cadet of a family which had given shoemakers to the village 
time out of mind. I had once saved Gawky's life, by plunging 
into a river, and dragging him on shore, when he was on the 
point of being drowned. I had often rescued him from the 
clutches of those whom his insufferable arrogance had 
provoked to a resentment he was not able to sustain; and 
many times saved his reputation and posteriors, by 
performing his exercises at school; so that it is not to be 
wondered at if he had a particular regard for me and my 
interests. The attachment of Strap flowed from a voluntary 
disinterested inclination, which had manifested itself on 
many occasions on my behalf, he having once rendered me the 
same service that I had done Gawky, by saving my life at the 
risk of his own; and often fathered offences that I had 
committed, for which he suffered severely, rather than I 
should feel the weight of the punishment I deserved. These 
two champions were the more willing to engage in this 
enterprise, because they intended to leave the school the 
next day as well as I, the first being ordered by his father 
to return into the country, and the other being bound 
apprentice to a barber, at a market town not far off.
In the meantime, my uncle being informed of my master's 
behaviour to me, was enraged at his insolence, and vowed 
revenge so heartily, that I could not refrain from telling 
him the scheme I had concerted, which he heard with great 
satisfaction, at every sentence squirting out a mouthful of 
spittle, tinctured with tobacco, of which he constantly 
chewed a large quid. At last, pulling up his breeches, he 
cried, 'No, no, zounds! that won't do, neither. Howsomever, 
'tis a bold undertaking, my lad, that I must say, i'faith! 
But lookee, lookee, how dost propose to get clear off? won't 
the enemy give chase, my boy? ay, ay, that he wlll, I 
warrant, and alarm the whole coast. Ah! God help thee, more 
slip than ballast, Rory. Let me alone for that - leave the 
whole to me - I'll show him the fore-topsail, I will. If so 
be your shipmates are jolly boys, and won't flinch, you 
shall see, you shall see; egad, I'll play him a salt-water 
trick; I'll bring him to the gangway, and anoint him with a 
cat-o'-nine-tails; he shall have a round dozen doubled, my 
lad, he shall, and be left lashed to his meditations.'
We were very proud of our associate, who immediately went to 
work, and prepared the instrument of his revenge with great 
skill and expedition; after which, he ordered our baggage to 
be packed up, and sent off a day before our attempt, and got 
horses ready to be mounted, as soon as the affair should be 
over. At length the hour arrived, when our auxiliary, 
seizing the opportunity of the usher's absence, bolted in, 
secured the door, and immediately laid hold of the pedant by 
his collar, who bawled out, 'Murder! thieves!' with the 
voice of a Stentor. Though I trembled all over like an aspen-
leaf, I knew there was no time to be lost, and accordingly 
got up, and summoned our associates to my assistance. Strap, 
without any hesitation, obeyed the signal; and seeing me 
leap upon the master's back, ran immediately to one of his 
legs, which, pulling with all his force, his dreadful 
adversary was humbled to the ground; upon which Gawky, who 
had hitherto remained in his place, under the influence of 
an universal trepidation, hastened to the scene of action, 
and insulted the fallen tyrant with a loud huzza, in which 
the whole school joined. This noise alarmed the usher, who, 
finding himself shut out, endeavoured, partly by threats, 
and partly by entreaties, to procure admission. My uncle 
bade him have a little patience, and he would let him in 
presently; but, if he pretended to move from that place, it 
should fare worse with the son of a bitch, his superior, on 
whom he intended only to bestow a little wholesome 
chastisement, for his barbarous usage of Rory; 'to which,' 
said he, 'you are no stranger.' By this time we had dragged 
the criminal to a post, to which Bowling tied him with a 
rope he had provided on purpose, after having secured his 
hands, and stript his back. In this ludicrous posture he 
stood (to the no small entertainment of the boys, who 
crowded about him, and shouted with great exultation at the 
novelty of the sight), venting bitter imprecations against 
the lieutenant, and reproaching his scholars with treachery 
and rebellion, when the usher was admitted, whom my uncle 
accosted in this manner: 'Harkee, Mr Syntax, I believe you 
are an honest man, d'ye see, and I have a respect for you; 
but, for all that, we must, for our own security, d'ye see, 
belay you for a short time.' With these words, he pulled out 
some fathoms of cord, which the honest man no sooner saw, 
than he protested with great earnestness he would allow no 
violence to be offered to him; at the same time accusing me 
of perfidy and ingratitude. But Bowling representing that it 
was in vain to resist, and that he did not mean to use him 
with violence and indecency, but only to hinder him from 
raising the hue and cry against us before we should be out 
of their power, he allowed himself to be bound to his own 
desk, where he sat a spectator of the punishment inflicted 
on his principal. My uncle having upbraided this arbitrary 
wretch with his inhumanity to me, told him that he proposed 
to give him a little discip]ine for the good of his soul, 
which he immediately put in practice with great vigour and 
dexterity. This smart application to the pedant's withered 
posteriors, gave him such exquisite pain, that he roared 
like a mad bull, danced, cursed, and blasphemed, like a 
frantic bedlamite. When the lieutenant thought himself 
sufficiently revenged, he took his leave of him in these 
words: 'Now, friend, you'll remember me the longest day you 
have to live; I have given you a lesson that will let you 
know what flogging is, and teach you to have more sympathy 
for the future - shout, boys, shout.' This ceremony was no 
sooner over, than my uncle proposed they should quit the 
school, and convoy their old comrade Rory to a public-house, 
about a mile from the village, where he would treat them 
all. His offer being joyfully embraced, he addressed himself 
to Mr Syntax, and begged him to accompany us; but this 
invitation he refused with great disdain, telling my 
benefactor he was not the man he took him to be. 'Well, 
well, old surly,' replied my uncle, shaking his hand, 'thou 
art an honest fellow notwithstanding; and if ever I have the 
command of a ship, thou shalt be our schoolmaster, i'faith.' 
So saying, he dismissed the boys, and, locking the door, 
left the two preceptors to console one another, while we 
moved forwards on our journey, attended by a numerous 
retinue, whom he treated according to his promise. We parted 
with many tears, and lay that night at an inn on the road, 
about ten miles short of the town where I was to remain, at 
which we arrived next day; and I found I had no cause to 
complain of the accommodations provided for me, in being 
boarded at the house of an apothecary, who had married a 
distant relation of my mother. In a few days after, my uncle 
set out for his ship, having settled the necessary funds for 
my maintenance and education.


Chapter 6

As I was now capable of reflection, I began to consider my 
precarious situation; that I was utterly abandoned by those 
whose duty it was to protect me; and that my sole dependence 
was on the generosity of one man, who was not only exposed 
by his profession to continual dangers, which might one day 
deprive me of him for ever; but also, no doubt, subject to 
those vicissitudes of disposition which a change of fortune 
usually creates, or which a better acquaintance with the 
world might produce; for I always ascribed his benevolence 
to the dictates of a heart as yet undebauched by a commerce 
with mankind. Alarmed at these considerations, I resolved to 
apply myself with great care to my studies, and enjoy the 
opportunity in my power; this I did with such success, that, 
in the space of three years, I understood Greek very well, 
was pretty far advanced in the mathematics, and no stranger 
to moral and natural philosophy; logic I made no account of; 
but, above all things, I valued myself on my taste in the 
Belles Lettres, and a talent for poetry, which had already 
produced some pieces that met with a very favourable 
reception. These qualifications, added to a good face and 
shape, acquired the esteem and acquaintance of the most 
considerable people in town; and I had the satisfaction to 
find myself in some degree of favour with the ladies - an 
intoxicating piece of good fortune to one of my amorous 
complexion! - which I obtained, or, at least, preserved, by 
gratifying their propensity to scandal in lampooning their 
rivals. Two of my female cousins lived in this place with 
their mother, since the death of their father, who left his 
whole fortune equally divided between them; so that, if they 
were not the most beautiful, they were at least the richest 
toasts in town, and received daily the addresses of all the 
beaux and cavaliers of the country. Although I had hitherto 
been looked upon by them with the most supercilious 
contempt, my character now attracted their notice so much, 
that I was given to understand I might be honoured with 
their acquaintance, if I pleased. The reader will easily 
perceive that this condescension either flowed from the hope 
of making my poetical capacity subservient to their malice, 
or, at least, of screening themselves from the lash of my 
resentment, which they had effectually provoked. I enjoyed 
this triumph with great satisfaction; and not only rejected 
their offer with disdain, but, in all my performances, 
whether satire or panegyric, industriously avoided 
mentioning their names, even while I celebrated those of 
their intimates. This neglect mortified their pride 
exceedingly, and incensed them to such a degree, that they 
were resolved to make me repent of my indifference. The 
first stroke of their revenge consisted in their hiring a 
poor collegian to write verses against me, the subject of 
which was my own poverty, and the catastrophe of my unhappy 
parents. But, besides the badness of the composition (of 
which they themselves were ashamed), they did not find their 
account in endeavouring to reproach me with those 
misfortunes which they and their relations had brought upon 
me, and which, consequently, reflected much more dishonour 
on themselves than on me, who was the innocent victim of 
their barbarity and avarice. Finding this plan miscarry, 
they found means to irritate a young gentleman against me, 
by telling him I had lampooned his mistress, and so 
effectually succeeded in the quality of incendiaries, that 
this enraged lover determined to seize me next night, as I 
returned to my lodgings from a friend's house that I 
frequented. With this view, he waited in the street, 
attended by two of his companions, to whom he had imparted 
his design of carrying me down to the river, in which he 
proposed to have me heartily ducked, notwithstanding the 
severity of the weather, it being then about the middle of 
December. But this stratagem did not succeed; for, being 
apprised of their ambush, I got home another way, and, by 
the help of my landlord's apprentice, discharged a volley 
from the garret window, which did great execution upon them; 
and next day, occasioned so much mirth at their expense, 
that they found themselves under a necessity of leaving the 
town, until the adventure should be entirely forgotten. My 
cousins (though twice baffled in their expectation) did not, 
however, desist from persecuting me, who had now enraged 
them beyond a possibility of forgiveness, by detecting their 
malice, and preventing its effects. Neither should I have 
found them more humane, had I patiently submitted to their 
rancour, and bore, without murmuring, the rigour of their 
unreasonable hate; for I have found, by experience, that, 
though small favours may be acknowledged, and slight 
injuries atoned, there is no wretch so ungrateful as he whom 
you have most generously obliged; and no enemy so implacable 
as those who have done you the greatest wrong. These good-
natured creatures, therefore, had recourse to a scheme which 
conspired, with a piece of bad news I soon after received, 
to give them all the satisfaction they desired. This plan 
was to debauch the faith of my companion and confidant, who 
betrayed the trust I reposed in him, by imparting to them 
the particulars of my small amours, which they published 
with such exaggerations, that I suffered very much in the 
opinion of everybody, and was utterly discarded by the dear 
creatures whose names had been called in question. While I 
was busy in tracing out the author of this treachery, that I 
might not only be revenged on him, but also vindicate my 
character to my friends, I one day perceived the looks of my 
landlady much altered when I went home to dinner, and 
inquiring into the cause, she screwed up her mouth, and 
fixing her eyes on the ground, told me her husband had 
received a letter from Mr Bowling, with one enclosed for me -
 she was very sorry for what had happened, both for my sake 
and his own - people should be more cautious of their 
conduct. She was always afraid his brutal behaviour would 
bring him into some misfortune or other. As for her part, 
she would be very ready to befriend me, but she had a small 
family of her own to maintain. The world would do nothing 
for her if she should come to want - charity begins at home. 
She wished I had been bound to some substantial handicraft, 
such as a weaver, or a shoemaker, rather than loiter away my 
time in learning foolish nonsense that would never bring me 
in a penny - but some folks are wise and some are otherwise. 
I was listening to this mysterious discourse with great 
amazement, when her husband entered, and, without speaking a 
syllable, put both the letters into my hand. I received them 
trembling, and read what follows:

'TO MR ROGER POTION

'SIR - This is to let you know that I have quitted the 
Thunder man of war, being obliged to sheer off, for killing 
my captain, which I did fairly on the beach at Cape 
Tiberoon, in the island of Hispaniola; having received his 
fire, and returned it, which went through his body. And I 
would serve the best man so that ever stepped between stem 
and stern, if so be that he struck me, as Captain Oakum did. 
I am (thank God) safe among the French, who are very civil, 
tho' I don't understand their lingo; and I hope to be 
restored in a little time, for all the great friends and 
parliamentary interest of the captain, for I have sent over 
to my landlord in Deal an account of the whole affair, with 
our bearings and distances while we were engaged, whereby I 
have desired him to lay it before his Majesty, who (God 
bless him) will not suffer an honest tar to be wronged. My 
love to your spouse, and am
'Your loving friend and servant to command, while
'THOMAS BOWLING.'


'TO RODERICK RANDOM

'DEAR RORY - Don't be grieved at my misfortune; but mind 
your book, my lad. I have got no money to send you; but what 
of that? - Mr Potion will take care of you, for the love he 
bears me, and let you want for nothing, and it shall go hard 
but I will see him one day repaid. No more at present, but 
rests
'Your dutiful uncle and servant till death,
'THOMAS BOWLING.'

This letter (which with the other was dated from Port Louis 
in Hispaniola) I no sooner read, than the apothecary, 
shaking his head, began: 'I have a very great regard for Mr 
Bowling, that's certain - and could be well content - but 
times are very hard. There's no such thing as money to be 
got - I believe 'tis all vanished under ground, for my part. 
Besides, I have been out of pocket already, having 
entertained you since the beginning of this month without 
receiving a sixpence - and God knows if ever I shall - for I 
believe it will go hard with your uncle. And more than that, 
I was thinking of giving you warning, for I want your 
apartment for a new 'prentice, whom I expect from the 
country every hour. So I desire you will this week provide 
yourself with another lodging.' The indignation which this 
harangue inspired, gave me spirits to support my reverse of 
fortune, and to tell him, I despised his mean, selfish 
disposition so much, that I would starve rather than be 
beholden to him for one single meal. Upon which, out of my 
pocket-money, I paid him to the last farthing of what I 
owed, and assured him I would not sleep another night under 
his roof. This said, I sallied out in a transport of rage 
and sorrow, without knowing whither to fly for shelter, 
having not one friend in the world capable of relieving me, 
and only three shillings in my purse. After giving way for a 
few minutes to the dictates of my rage, I went and hired a 
small bedroom, at the rate of one shilling and sixpence per 
week, which obliged to pay per advance, before the landlord 
would receive me. Thither I removed my luggage; and next 
morning got up, with a view of craving the advice and 
assistance of a person who had on all occasions loaded me 
with caresses, and made frequent offers of friendship, while 
I was under no necessity of accepting them. He received me 
with his wonted affability, and insisted on my breakfasting 
with him - a favour which I did not think fit to refuse. 
But, when I communicated the occasion of my visit, he 
appeared so disconcerted, that I concluded him wonderfully 
affected with the misery of my condition, and looked upon 
him as a man of the most extensive sympathy and benevolence. 
He did not leave me long under this mistake; for, recovering 
himself from his confusion, he told me, he was grieved at my 
misfortune, and desired to know what had passed between my 
landlord Mr Potion and me. Whereupon I recounted the 
conversation; and when I repeated the answer I made to his 
ungenerous remonstrance with regard to my leaving his house, 
this pretended friend affected a stare, and exclaimed, 'Is 
it possible you could behave so ill to the man who had 
treated you so kindly all along!' My surprise at hearing 
this was not at all affected, whatever his might be; and I 
gave him to understand, with some warmth, that I did not 
imagine he would so unreasonably espouse the cause of a 
scoundrel, who ought to be expelled from every social 
community. This heat of mine gave him all the advantage he 
desired over me, and our discourse (after much altercation) 
concluded in his desiring never to see me again in that 
place; to which desire I yielded my consent, assuring him, 
that had I been as well acquainted with his principles 
formerly as I was now, he should never have had an 
opportunity of making that request - and thus we parted.
On my return I met my comrade, Squire Gawky, whom his father 
had sent, some time ago, to town, for his improvement in 
writing, dancing, fencing and other modish qualifications. 
As I had lived with him, since his arrival, on the footing 
of our old intimacy, I made no scruple of informing him of 
the lowness of my circumstances, and asking a small supply 
of money, to answer my present expense; upon which he pulled 
out a handful of halfpence, with a shilling or two among 
them, and swore that was all he had to keep his pocket till 
next quarter-day, he having lost the greatest part of his 
allowance the night before at billiards. Though this 
assertion might very well be true, I was extremely mortified 
at his indifference; for he neither expressed any sympathy 
for my mishap, nor desire of alleviating my distress; and 
accordingly I left him without uttering one word. But when I 
afterwards understood that he was the person who had 
formerly betrayed me to the malice of my cousins, to whom 
likewise he had carried the tidings of my forlorn situation, 
which afforded them great matter of triumph and exultation, 
I determined with myself to call him to a severe account; 
for which purpose I borrowed a sword, and wrote a challenge, 
desiring him to meet me at a certain time and place, that I 
might have an opportunity of punishing his perfidy, at the 
expense of his blood. He accepted the invitation: and I 
betook myself to the field, though not without feeling 
considerable repugnance to the combat, which frequently 
attacked me in cold sweats by the way: but the desire for 
revenge, the shame of retracting, and hope of conquest, 
conspired to repel these unmanly symptoms of fear; and I 
appeared on the plain with a good grace. There I waited an 
hour beyond the time appointed, and was not ill pleased to 
find he had no mind to meet me; because I should have an 
opportunity of exposing his cowardice, displaying my own 
courage, and of beating him soundly wheresoever I should 
find him, without any dread of the consequence. Elevated 
with these suggestions, which entirely banished all thoughts 
of my deplorable condition, I went directly to Gawky's 
lodgings, where I was informed of his precipitate retreat, 
he having set out for the country in less than an hour after 
he had received my billet: and I was vain enough to have the 
whole story inserted in the news, although I was fain to 
sell a gold-laced hat to my landlord, for less than half 
price, to defray the expense, and contribute to my 
subsistence.


Chapter 7

The fumes of my resentment being dissipated, as well as the 
vanity of my success, I found myself deserted to all the 
horrors of extreme want, and avoided by mankind as a 
creature of a different species, or rather as a solitary 
being, nowise comprehended within the scheme or protection 
of Providence. My despair had rendered me almost quite 
stupefied, when I was one day told that a gentleman desired 
to see me at a certain public house, whither immediately I 
repaired, and was introduced to one Mr Launcelot Crab, a 
surgeon in town, who was engaged with two more in drinking a 
liquor called popin, composed by mixing a quartern of brandy 
with a quart of small beer. Before I relate the occasion of 
this message, I believe it will not be disagreeable to the 
reader if I describe the gentleman who sent for me, and 
mention some circumstances of his character and conduct, 
which may illustrate what follows, and account for his 
behaviour to me.
This member of the faculty was aged fifty, about five feet 
high, and ten round the belly; his face was capacious as a 
full moon, and much the complexion of a mulberry; his nose, 
resembling a powder-horn, was swelled to an enormous size, 
and studded all over with carbuncles; and his little grey 
eyes reflected the rays in such an oblique manner, that, 
while he looked a person full in the face, one would have 
imagined he was admiring the buckle of his shoe. He had long 
entertained an implacable resentment against Potion, who, 
though a young practitioner, was better employed than he, 
and once had the assurance to perform a cure whereby he 
disappointed and disgraced the prognostic of the said Crab. 
This quarrel, which was at one time upon the point of being 
made up by the interposition and mediation of friends, had 
been lately inflamed beyond a possibility of reconciliation 
by the respective wives of the opponents, who, chancing to 
meet at a christening, disagreed about precedence, proceeded 
from invectives to blows, and were, with great difficulty, 
by the gossips, prevented from converting the occasion of 
joy into a scene of lamentation.
The difference between these rivals was in the height of 
rancour, when I received the message of Crab, who received 
me as civilly as I could have expected from one of his 
disposition; and, after desiring me to sit, inquired into 
the particulars of my leaving the house of Potion; which, 
when I had related, he said with a malicious grin, 'There's 
a sneaking dog! - I always thought him a fellow without a 
soul, damn me! - a canting scoundrel, who has crept into 
business by his hypocrisy, and kissing the a-se of 
everybody.' 'Ay, ay,' says another, 'one might see with half 
an eye that the rascal has no honesty in him, by his going 
so regularly to church.' This sentence was confirmed by a 
third, who assured his companions, that Potion was never 
known to be disguised in liquor but once, at a meeting of 
the godly, where he distinguished himself by an extempore 
prayer an hour long. After this preamble, Crab addressed 
himself to me in these words 'Well, my lad, I have heard a 
good character of you, and I'll do for you. You may send 
your things to my house when you please. I have given orders 
for your reception. Zounds! what does the booby stare at? - 
If you have no mind to embrace my courteous offer, you may 
let it alone, and be damned.' I answered, with a submissive 
bow, that I was far from rejecting his friendly offer, which 
I would immediately accept, as soon as he should inform me 
on what footing I was to be entertained. 'What footing! damn 
my blood,' cried he; 'd'ye expect to have a footman and a 
couple of horses kept for you? 'No, sir,' I replied, 'my 
expectations are not quite so sanguine. That I may be as 
little burdensome as possible, I would willingly serve in 
your shop, by which means I may save you the expense of a 
journeyman, or porter at least, for I understand a little 
pharmacy, having employed some of my leisure hours in the 
practice of that art while I lived with Mr Potion: neither 
am I altogether ignorant of surgery, which I have studied 
with great pleasure and application.' 'Oho! you did?' says 
Crab. 'Gentlemen, here is a complete artist! - Studied 
surgery! what? in books, I suppose. I shall have you 
disputing with me one of these days on points of my 
profession. You can already account for muscular motion (I 
warrant) and explain the mystery of the brain and nerves - 
ha? You are too learned for me, damn me. But let's hear no 
more of this stuff. Can you bleed and give a clyster, spread 
a plaster, and prepare a potion?' Upon my answering in the 
affirmative he shook his head, telling me he believed he 
should have little good of me, for all my promises; but, 
however, he would take me in for the sake of charity. I was 
accordingly that very night admitted to his house, and had 
an apartment assigned to me in the garret, which I was fain 
to put up with, notwithstanding the mortification my pride 
suffered in this change of circumstances. I was soon 
convinced of the real motives which induced Crab to receive 
me in this manner: for, besides the gratification of his 
revenge, by exposing the selfishness of his antagonist in 
opposition to his own generosity, which was all affectation, 
he had occasion of a young man who understood something of 
the profession, to fill up the place of his eldest 
apprentice, lately dead, not without violent suspicion of 
foul play from his master's brutality. The knowledge of this 
circumstance, together with his daily behaviour to his wife 
and the young apprentice, did not at all contribute to my 
enjoying my new situation with ease; however, as I did not 
perceive how I could bestow myself to better advantage, I 
resolved to study Crab's temper with all the application, 
and manage it with all the address, in my power. And it was 
not long before I found out a strange peculiarity of humour, 
which governed his behaviour towards all his dependants. I 
observed, when he was pleased, he was such a niggard of his 
satisfaction, that, if his wife or servants betrayed the 
least symptom of participation, he was offended to an 
insupportable degree of choler and fury, the effects of 
which they seldom failed to feel. And, when his indignation 
was roused, submission and soothing always exasperated it 
beyond the bounds of reason and humanity. I therefore 
pursued a contrary plan; and one day, when he honoured me 
with the names of ignorant whelp, and lazy ragamuffin, I 
boldly replied, 'I was neither ignorant nor lazy, since I 
both understood and performed my business as well as he 
could do for his soul; neither was it just to call me 
ragamuffin, for I had a whole coat on my back, and was 
descended from a better family than any he could boast an 
alliance with.' He gave tokens of great amazement at this 
assurance of mine, and shook his cane over my head, 
regarding me all the time with a countenance truly 
diabolical. Although I was terribly startled at his menacing 
looks and posture, I yet had reflection enough left to 
convince me I had gone too far to retract, and that this was 
the critical minute which must decide my future lot in his 
service; I therefore snatched up the pestle of a mortar, and 
swore, if he offered to strike me without cause, I should 
see whether his skull or my weapon was hardest. He continued 
silent for some time, and at last broke forth into these 
ejaculations: 'This is fine usage from a servant to a master 
- very fine! - damnation! - but no matter, you shall pay for 
this, you dog, you shall. I'll do your business - yes, yes, 
I'll teach you to lift your hand against me.' So saying, he 
retired, and left me under dreadful apprehensions, which 
vanished entirely at our next meeting, when he behaved with 
unusual complacency, and treated me with a glass of punch 
after dinner. By this conduct I got the ascendancy over him 
in a short time, and became so necessary to him, in managing 
his business while he was engaged at the bottle, that 
fortune began to wear a kinder aspect; and I consoled myself 
for the disregard of my former acquaintance with the 
knowledge I daily imbibed, by a close application to the 
duties of my employment, in which I succeeded beyond my own 
expectation. I was on very good terms with my master's wife, 
whose esteem I acquired and cultivated, by representing Mrs 
Potion in the most ridiculous lights my satirical talents 
could invent, as well as by rendering her some Christian 
offices when she had been too familiar with the dram bottle, 
to which she had oftentimes recourse for consolation under 
the affliction she suffered from her barbarous husband. In 
this manner I lived, without hearing the least tidings of my 
uncle, for the space of two years, during which time I kept 
little or no company, being neither in a humour to relish, 
nor in a capacity to maintain much acquaintance: for the 
Nabal, my master, allowed me no wages; and the small 
perquisites of my station scarce supplied me with the common 
necessaries of life. I was no longer a pert unthinking 
coxcomb, giddy with popular applause, and elevated with the 
extravagance of hope: my misfortunes had taught me how 
little the caresses of the world, during a man's prosperity, 
are to be valued by him; and how seriously and expeditiously 
he ought to set about making himself independent of them. My 
present appearance, therefore, was the least of my care, 
which was wholly engrossed in laying up a stock of 
instruction that might secure me against the caprice of 
fortune for the future. I became such a sloven, and 
contracted such an air of austerity, that everybody 
pronounced me crestfallen; and Gawky returned to town, 
without running any risk from my resentment, which was by 
this time pretty much cooled, and restrained by prudential 
reasons so effectually, that I never so much as thought of 
obtaining satisfaction for the injuries he had done me. When 
I deemed myself sufficiently master of my business, I began 
to cast about for an opportunity of launching into the 
world, in hope of finding some provision that might make 
amends for the difficulties I had undergone; but, as this 
could not be effected without a small sum of money to equip 
me for the field, I was in the utmost perplexity how to 
raise it, well knowing that Crab, for his own sake, would 
never put me in a condition to leave him, when his interest 
was so much concerned in my stay. But a small accident which 
happened about this time determined him in my favour. This 
was no other than the pregnancy of his maid-servant, who 
declared her situation to me, assuring me, at the same time, 
that I was the occasion of it. Although I had no reason to 
question the truth of this imputation, I was not ignorant of 
the familiarities which had passed between her master and 
her; taking the advantage of which I represented to her the 
folly of laying the burden at my door, when she might 
dispose of it to much better purpose with Mr Crab. She 
listened to my advice, and next day acquainted him with the 
pretended success of their mutual endeavours. He was far 
from being overjoyed at this proof of his vigour, which he 
foresaw might have very troublesome consequences; not that 
he dreaded any domestic grumblings and reproaches from his 
wife, whom he kept in perfect subjection; but because he 
knew it would furnish his rival Potion with a handle for 
insulting and undermining his reputation; there being no 
scandal equal to that of uncleanness in the opinion of those 
who inhabit the part of the island where he lived. He, 
therefore, took a resolution worthy of himself; which was, 
to persuade the girl that she was not with child, but only 
afflicted with a disorder incident to young women, which he 
would easily remove. With this view (as he pretended) he 
prescribed for her such medicines as he thought would 
infallibly procure abortion; but in this scheme he was 
disappointed; for the maid, being advertised by me of his 
design, and at the same time well acquainted with her own 
condition, absolutely refused to follow his directions; and 
threatened to publish her situation to the world, if he 
would not immediately take some method of providing for the 
important occasion, which she expected in a few months. It 
was not long before I guessed the result of his 
deliberation, by his addressing himself to me, one day, in 
this manner: 'I am surprised that a young fellow like you 
discovers no inclination to push his fortune in the world. 
Before I was of your age I was broiling on the coast of 
Guinea. - Damme! what's to hinder you from profiting by the 
war which will certainly be declared in a short time against 
Spain? You may easily get on board a king's ship in quality 
of a surgeon's mate; where you will certainly see a great 
deal of practice, and stand a good chance of getting prize-
money.' I laid hold of this declaration, which I had long 
wished for, and assured him I would follow his advice with 
pleasure, if it was in my power; but that it was impossible 
for me to embrace an opportunity of that kind, as I had no 
friend to advance a little money to supply me with what 
necessaries I should want, and defray the expenses of my 
journey to London. He told me that few necessaries were 
required; and as for the expense of my journey, he would 
lend me money sufficient not only for that purpose, but also 
to maintain me comfortably in London until I should procure 
a warrant for my provision on board of some ship. I gave him 
a thousand thanks for his obliging offer (although I was 
very well apprised of his motive, which was no other than a 
design to lay the bastard to my charge after my departure), 
and accordingly set out in a few weeks for London, my whole 
fortune consisting of one suit of clothes, half a dozen of 
ruffled shirts, as many plain, two pair of worsted, and a 
like number of thread stockings, a case of pocket 
instruments, a small edition of Horace Wiseman's Surgery, 
and ten guineas in cash, for which Crab took my bond, 
bearing five per cent interest; at the same time gave me a 
letter to the member of parliament for our town, which, he 
said, would do my business effectually.


Chapter 8

There is no such convenience as a wagon in this country, and 
my finances were too weak to support the expense of hiring a 
horse; I determined therefore to set out with the carriers, 
who transport goods from one place to another on horseback; 
and this scheme I accordingly put in execution on the first 
day of November 1739, sitting upon a pack-saddle between two 
baskets, one of which contained my goods in a knapsack. But, 
by the time we arrived at Newcastle-upon-Tyne, I was so 
fatigued with the tediousness of the carriage, and benumbed 
with the coldness of the weather, that I resolved to travel 
the rest of my journey on foot, rather than proceed in such 
a disagreeable manner.
The hostler of the inn at which we put up, understanding I 
was bound for London, advised me to take my passage in a 
collier, which would be both cheap and expeditious, and 
withal much easier than to walk upwards of three hundred 
miles through deep roads in the winter time; a journey 
which, he believed, I had not the strength enough to 
perform. I was almost persuaded to take his advice, when, 
one day, stepping into a barber's shop to be shaved, the 
young man, while he lathered my face, accosted me thus: 
'Sir, I presume you are a Scotchman.' I answered in the 
affirmative. 'Pray,' continued he, 'from what part of 
Scotland?' - I no sooner told him, than he discovered great 
emotion, and not confining his operation to my chin and 
upper lip, besmeared my whole face with great agitation. I 
was so offended at this profusion, that, starting up, I 
asked him what the devil he meant by using me so? He begged 
pardon, telling me his joy at meeting with a countryman had 
occasioned some confusion in him; and craved my name. But 
when I declared my name was Random, he exclaimed in a 
rapture, 'How! Rory Random?' The same, I replied, looking at 
him with astonishment. 'What,' cried he, 'don't you know 
your old schoolfellow, Hugh Strap?' At that instant, 
recollecting his face, I flew into his arms, and in the 
transport of my joy, gave him back one half of the suds he 
had so lavishly bestowed on my countenance; so that we made 
a very ludicrous appearance and furnished a great deal of 
mirth for his master and shop-mates, who were witnesses of 
this scene. When our mutual caresses were over, I sat down 
again to be shaved; but the poor fellow's nerves were so 
discomposed by this unexpected meeting, that his hand could 
scarcely hold the razor, with which, nevertheless, he found 
means to cut me in three places, in as many strokes. His 
master, perceiving his disorder, bade another supply his 
place, and after the operation was performed, gave Strap 
leave to pass the rest of the day with me. We retired 
immediately to my lodgings, where, calling for some beer, I 
desired to be informed of his adventures, which contained 
nothing more, than that his master dying before his time was 
out, he had come to Newcastle about a year ago, in 
expectation of journey-work, along with three young fellows 
of his acquaintance, who worked in the keels; that he had 
the good fortune of being employed by a very civil master, 
with whom he intended to stay till the spring, at which time 
he proposed to go to London, where he did not doubt of 
finding encouragement. When I communicated to him my 
situation and design, he did not approve of my taking a 
passage by sea, by reason of the danger of a winter voyage, 
which is very hazardous along that coast, as well as the 
precariousness of the wind, which might possibly detain me a 
great while, to the no small detriment of my fortune. 
Whereas, if I would venture by land, he would bear me 
company, carry my baggage all the way, and if we should be 
fatigued before we could perform all the journey, it would 
be no hard matter for us to find on the road either 
returning horses or wagons, of which we might take the 
advantage for a very trifling expense. I was so ravished at 
this proposal, that I embraced him affectionately, and 
assured him he might command my purse to the last farthing: 
but he gave me to understand, he had saved money sufficient 
to answer his own occasions; and that he had a friend in 
London, who would soon introduce him into business in that 
capital, and might possibly have it in his power to serve me 
also.
Having concerted the plan and settled our affairs that 
night, we departed next morning by daybreak, armed with a 
good cudgel each (my companion being charged with the 
furniture of us both, crammed into one knapsack), and our 
money sewed between the lining and waistband of our 
breeches, except some loose silver for our immediate expense 
on the road. We travelled all day at a round pace, but being 
ignorant of the proper stages, were benighted at a good 
distance from any inn, so that we were compelled to take up 
our lodging at a small hedge alehouse, that stood on a by-
road, about half a mile from the highway. There we found a 
pedlar of our own country, in whose company we regaled 
ourselves with bacon and eggs, and a glass of good ale, 
before a comfortable fire, conversing all the while very 
sociably with the landlord and his daughter, an hale buxom 
lass, who entertained us with great good humour, and in 
whose affection I was vain enough to believe I had made some 
progress. About eight o'clock, we were all three, at our own 
desire, shown into an apartment, furnished with two beds, in 
one of which Strap and I betook ourselves to rest, and the 
pedlar occupied the other, though not before he had prayed a 
considerable time extempore, searched into every corner of 
the room, and fastened the door on the inside with a strong 
iron screw, which he carried about with him for that use. I 
slept very sound till midnight, when I was disturbed by a 
violent motion of the bed, which shook under me with a 
continual tremor. Alarmed at this phenomenon, I jogged my 
companion, whom, to my no small amazement, I found drenched 
in sweat, and quaking through every limb; he told me, with a 
low faltering voice, that we were undone; for there was a 
bloody highwayman loaded with pistols in the next room; then 
bidding me make as little noise as possible, he directed me 
to a small chink in the board partition, through which I 
could see a thick-set brawny fellow, with a fierce 
countenance, sitting at a table with our young landlady, 
having a bottle of ale and a brace of pistols before him. I 
listened with great attention, and heard him say in a 
terrible tone: 'Damn that son of a bitch, Smack, the 
coachman - he has served me a fine trick, indeed! - but 
damnation seize me, if I don't make him repent it! I'll 
teach the scoundrel to give intelligence to others, while he 
is under articles with me.' Our landlady endeavoured to 
appease this exasperated robber, by saying he might be 
mistaken in Smack, who perhaps kept no correspondence with 
the other gentleman that robbed his coach; and that, if an 
accident had disappointed him today, he might soon find 
opportunity enough to atone for his lost trouble. 'I'll tell 
thee what, my dear Bett,' replied he, 'I never had, nor ever 
will, while my name is Rifle, have such a glorious booty as 
I missed today. - Zounds! there was four hundred pounds in 
cash to recruit men for the king's service, besides the 
jewels, watches, swords, and money belonging to the 
passengers - had it been my fortune to have got clear off 
with so much treasure, I would have purchased a commission 
in the army, and made you an officer's lady, you jade, I 
would.' 'Well, well,' cries Betty, 'we must trust to 
Providence for that - but did you find nothing worth taking, 
which escaped the other gentlemen of the road?' 'Not much, 
faith,' said the lover; 'I gleaned a few things, such as a 
pair of pops, silver mounted (here they are); I took them 
loaded from the captain who had the charge of the money, 
together with a gold watch, which he had concealed in his 
breeches. I likewise found ten Portugal pieces in the shoes 
of a Quaker, whom the spirit moved to revile me with great 
bitterness and devotion. But what I value myself mostly for, 
is this here purchase, a gold snuff-box, my girl, with a 
picture on the inside of the lid; which I untied out of the 
tail of a pretty lady's smock.' Here, as the devil would 
have it, the pedlar snored so loud, that the highwayman, 
snatching his pistols, started up, crying: 'Hell and 
damnation! I am betrayed; who's that in the next room?' Mrs 
Betty told him, he need not be uneasy; there were only three 
poor wearied travellers, who, missing the road, had taken up 
their lodging in the house, and were asleep long ago. 
'Travellers,' says he, 'spies, you b-ch! but no matter - 
I'll send them all to hell in an instant.' He accordingly 
ran towards our door: when his sweetheart interposing, 
assured him, there was only a couple of poor young 
Scotchmen, who were too raw and ignorant to give him the 
least cause of suspicion; and the third was a Presbyterian 
pedlar of the same nation, who had often lodged in the house 
before. This declaration satisfied the thief, who swore he 
was glad there was a pedlar, for he wanted some linen. Then, 
in a jovial manner, he put about the glass, mingling his 
discourse to Betty with caresses and familiarities that 
spoke him very happy in his amours. During that part of the 
conversation which regarded us, Strap had crept under the 
bed, where he lay in the agonies of fear; so that it was 
with great difficulty I persuaded him our danger was over, 
and prevailed on him to wake the pedlar, and inform him of 
what he had seen and heard. This itinerant merchant no 
sooner felt somebody shaking him by the shoulder, than he 
started up, calling as loud as he could, 'Thieves, thieves! 
Lord have mercy on us!' And Rifle, alarmed at this 
exclamation, jumped up, cocked one of his pistols, and 
turned towards the door, to kill the first man who should 
enter; for he verily believed himself beset; when his 
dulcinea, after an immoderate fit of laughter, persuaded 
him, that the poor pedlar, dreaming of thieves, had only 
cried out in his sleep. Meanwhile my comrade had undeceived 
our fellow-lodger, and informed him of his reason for 
disturbing him; upon which, getting up softly, he peeped 
through the hole, and was so terrified with what he saw, 
that falling down on his bare knees, he put up a long 
petition to Heaven, to deliver him from the hands of that 
ruffian, and promised never to defraud a customer for the 
future of the value of a pin's point, provided he might be 
rescued from the present danger. Whether or not his 
disburdening his conscience afforded him any ease, I know 
not; but he slipped into bed again, and lay very quiet until 
the robber and his mistress were asleep, and snored in 
concert; then, rising softly, he untied a rope that was 
round his pack, which making fast to one end of it, he 
opened the window with as little noise as possible, and 
lowered his goods into the yard with great dexterity; then 
he moved gently to our bedside, and bade us farewell, 
telling us, that, as we ran no risk, we might take our rest 
with great confidence, and in the morning assure the 
landlord that we knew nothing of his escape; and lastly, 
shaking us by the hands, and wishing us all manner of 
success, he let himself drop from the window without any 
danger, for the ground was not above a yard from his feet as 
he hung on the outside. Although I did not think proper to 
accompany him in his flight, I was not at all free from 
apprehension, when I reflected on what might be the effect 
of the highwayman's disappointment, as he certainly intended 
to make free with the pedlar's ware. Neither was my 
companion at more ease in his mind; but, on the contrary, so 
possessed with the dreadful idea of Rifle, that he solicited 
me strongly to follow our countryman's example, and so elude 
the fatal resentment of that terrible adventurer, who would 
certainly wreak his vengeance on us, as accomplices of the 
pedlar's elopement. But I represented to him the danger of 
giving Rifle cause to think we knew his profession, and 
suggested, that, if ever he should meet us again on the 
road, he would look upon us as dangerous acquaintance, and 
find it his interest to put us out of the way. I told him 
withal my confidence in Betty's good nature, in which he 
acquiesced; and, during the remaining part of the night, we 
concerted a proper method of behaviour, to render us 
unsuspected in the morning.
It was no sooner day, than Betty, entering our chamber, and 
perceiving our window open, cried out: 'Ods bobs! sure you 
Scotchmen must have hot constitutions to lie all night with 
the window open, in such cold weather.' I feigned to start 
out of sleep, and withdrawing the curtain, called, 'What's 
the matter?' When she showed me, I affected surprise, and 
said, 'Bless me! the window was shut when we went to bed.' 
'I'll be hanged,' said she, 'if Sawney Waddle the pedlar has 
not got up in a dream and done it, for I heard him very 
obstropulous in his sleep. Sure I put a chamber-pot under 
his bed.' With these words she advanced to the bed in which 
he lay, and finding the sheets cold, exclaimed, 'Good lack-a-
daisy! the rogue is fled!' 'Fled!' cried I, with feigned 
amazement, 'God forbid! - Sure he has not robbed us.' Then 
springing up, I laid hold of my breeches, and emptied all my 
loose money into my hand; which having reckoned, I said, 
'Heaven be praised, our money is all safe: - Strap, look to 
the knapsack.' He did so, and found all was right. Upon 
which we asked, with seeming concern, if he had stole 
nothing belonging to the house? 'No, no,' replied she, 'he 
has stole nothing but his reckoning'; which, it seems, this 
pious pedlar had forgot to discharge, in the midst of his 
devotion. Betty, after a moment's pause, withdrew; and 
immediately we could hear her waken Rifle, who no sooner 
heard of Waddle's flight, than he jumped out of bed, and 
dressed, venting a thousand execrations, and vowing to 
murder the pedlar, if ever he should set eyes on him again: 
'For,' said he, 'the scoundrel has by this time raised the 
hue and cry against me.' Having dressed himself in a hurry, 
he mounted his horse, and for that time rid us of his 
company, and a thousand fears that were the consequence of 
it. While we were at breakfast, Betty endeavoured, by all 
the cunning she was mistress of, to learn whether or no we 
suspected our fellow-lodger, whom we saw take horse; but as 
we were on our guard, we answered her sly questions with a 
simplicity she could not distrust; when, all of a sudden, we 
heard the trampling of a horse's feet at the door. This 
noise alarmed Strap so much, whose imagination was wholly 
engrossed by the image of Rifle, that, with a countenance as 
pale as milk, he cried, 'O Lord! there's the highwayman 
returned!' Our landlady, staring, at these words, said, 
'What highwayman, young man? - Do you think any highwaymen 
harbour here?' Though I was very much disconcerted at this 
piece of indiscretion in Strap, I had presence of mind 
enough to tell her, we had met a horseman the day before, 
whom Strap had foolishly supposed to be a highwayman, 
because he rode with pistols; and that he had been terrified 
at the sound of a horse's feet ever since. She forced a 
smile at the ignorance and timidity of my comrade; but I 
could perceive (not without great concern) that this account 
was not at all satisfactory to her.


Chapter 9

After having paid our score, and taken leave of our hostess, 
who embraced me tenderly at parting, we proceeded on our 
journey, blessing ourselves that we had come off so well. We 
had not walked above five miles, when we observed a man on 
horseback galloping after us, whom we in a short time 
recognized to be no other than this formidable hero who had 
already given us so much vexation. He stopped hard by me, 
and asked if I knew who he was? My astonishment had 
disconcerted me so much, that I did not hear his question, 
which he repeated with a volley of oaths and threats; but I 
remained as mute as before. Strap seeing my discomposure, 
fell upon his knees in the mud, uttering with a lamentable 
voice these words: 'For Christ's sake, have mercy upon us, 
Mr Rifle - we know you very well.' 'Oho!' cried the thief, 
'you do! - but you never shall be evidence against me in 
this world, you dog!' So saying, he drew a pistol and fired 
it at the unfortunate shaver, who fell flat upon the ground, 
without speaking one word. My comrade's fate, and my own 
situation, riveted me to the place where I stood, deprived 
of all sense and reflection; so that I did not make the 
least attempt either to run away, or deprecate the wrath of 
this barbarian, who snapped a second pistol at me; but 
before he had time to prime again, perceiving a company of 
horsemen coming up, he rode on, and left me standing 
motionless as a statue, in which posture I was found by 
those whose appearance had saved my life. This company 
consisted of three men in livery, well armed, with an 
officer, who, as I afterwards learned, was the person from 
whom Rifle had taken the pocket pistols the day before; and 
who, making known his misfortune to a nobleman he met on the 
road, and assuring him his non-resistance was altogether 
owing to his consideration for the ladies in the coach, 
procured the assistance of his lordship's servants to go in 
quest of the plunderer. This holiday captain scampered up to 
me with great address, and asked who fired the pistol which 
he had heard. As I had not yet recovered my reason, he, 
before I could answer, observed a body lying on the ground: 
at which sight his colour changed, and he pronounced with a 
faltering tongue, 'Gentlemen, here's murder committed! Let 
us alight.' 'No, no,' said one of his followers, 'let us 
rather pursue the murderer. Which way went he, young man?' 
By this time I had recollected myself so far as to tell 
them, that he could not be a quarter of a mile before; and 
to beg of one of them to assist me in conveying the corpse 
of my friend to the next house, in order to its being 
interred. The captain, foreseeing that, in case he should 
pursue, he must soon come to action, began to curb his 
horse, and give him the spur at the same time, which 
treatment making the creature rear up and snort, he called 
out, his horse was frightened, and would not proceed; at the 
same time wheeling him round and round, stroking his neck, 
whistling and wheedling him with 'Sirrah, sirrah, gently, 
gently,' etc. - 'Zounds!' cried one of the servants, 'sure 
my lord's Sorrel is not resty!' - With these words, he 
bestowed a lash on his buttocks, and Sorrel, disdaining the 
rein, sprung forward with the captain at a pace that would 
have soon brought him up with the robber, had not the girth, 
happily for him, given way, by which means he landed in the 
dirt, and two of his attendants continued their pursuit, 
without minding his situation. Meanwhile, one of the three 
who remained at my desire, turning the body of Strap, in 
order to see the wound which had killed him, found him still 
warm, and breathing; upon which I immediately let him blood, 
and saw him, with inexpressible joy, recover; he having 
received no other wound than what his fear had inflicted. 
Having raised him upon his legs, we walked together to an 
inn, about half a mile from the place, where Strap, who was 
not quite recovered, went to bed; and in a little time, the 
third servant returned with the captain's horse and 
furniture, leaving him to crawl after as well as he could. 
This gentleman of the sword, upon his arrival, complained 
grievously of the bruise occasioned by his fall; and, on the 
recommendation of the servant, who warranted my ability, I 
was employed to bleed him, for which service he rewarded me 
with half a crown.
The time between this event and dinner, I passed in 
observing a game at cards between two farmers, an exciseman, 
and a young fellow in a rusty gown and cassock, who, as I 
afterwards understood, was curate of a neighbouring parish. 
It was easy to perceive that the match was not equal; and 
that the two farmers, who were partners, had to do with a 
couple of sharpers, who stripped them of all their cash in a 
very short time. But what surprised me very much was, to 
hear this clergyman reply to one of the countrymen who 
seemed to suspect foul play, in these words: 'Damn me, 
friend, d'ye question my honour?' - I did not at all wonder 
to find a cheat in canonicals, this being a character 
frequent in my own country; but I was scandalised at the 
indecency of his behaviour, which appeared in the oaths he 
swore, and the bawdy songs which he sung. At last, to make 
amends, in some sort, for the damage he had done to the 
unwary boors, he pulled out a fiddle from the lining of his 
gown, and, promising to treat them at dinner, began to play 
most melodiously, singing in concert all the while. This 
good humour of the parson inspired the company with so much 
glee, that the farmers soon forgot their losses, and all 
present went to dancing in the yard. While we were agreeably 
amused in this manner, our musician spying a horseman riding 
towards the inn, stopped all of a sudden, crying out, 'Gad 
so! gentlemen, I beg your pardon; there's our dog of a 
doctor coming into the inn.' He immediately concealed his 
instrument, and ran towards the gate, where he took hold of 
the vicar's bridle, and helped him off, inquiring very 
cordially into the state of his health. This rosy son of the 
Church, who might be about the age of fifty, having 
alighted, and entrusted the curate with his horse, stalked 
with great solemnity into the kitchen, where, sitting down 
by the fire, he called for a bottle of ale and a pipe; 
scarce deigning an answer to the submissive questions of 
those who inquired about the welfare of his family. While he 
indulged himself in this state, amidst a profound silence, 
the curate approaching him with great reverence asked if he 
would not be pleased to honour us with his company at 
dinner? To which interrogation he answered in the negative, 
saying, he had been to visit Squire Bumpkin, who had drank 
himself into a high fever at the last assizes; and that he 
had, on leaving his own house, told Betty he should dine at 
home. Accordingly, when he had made an end of his bottle and 
pipe, he rose and moved, with prelatical dignity, to the 
door, where his journeyman stood ready with his nag. He had 
no sooner mounted, than the facetious curate, coming into 
the kitchen, held forth in this manner: 'There the old 
rascal goes, and the devil go with him. - You see how the 
world wags, gentlemen. - By gad, this rogue of a vicar does 
not deserve to live; and yet he has two livings worth £400 
per annum, while poor I am fain to do all his drudgery, and 
ride twenty miles every Sunday to preach, for what? why, 
truly, for £20 a year. I scorn to boast of my own 
qualifications; but - comparisons are odious. I should be 
glad to know how this swagbellied doctor deserves to be more 
at ease than me. He can loll in his elbow chair at home, 
indulge himself in the best of victuals and wine, and enjoy 
the conversation of Betty, his housekeeper. You understand 
me, gentlemen. Betty is the doctor's poor kinswoman, and a 
pretty girl she is; but no matter for that: - ay, and a 
dutiful girl to her parents, whom she visits regularly every 
year, though I must own, I could never learn in what county 
they live. - My service t'ye, gentlemen.' - By this time 
dinner being ready, I waked my companion, and we ate all 
together with great cheerfulness. When our meal was ended, 
and every man's share of the reckoning adjusted, the curate 
went out on pretence of some necessary occasion, and 
mounting his horse, left the two farmers to satisfy the host 
in the best manner they could. We were no sooner informed of 
this piece of finesse, than the exciseman, who had been 
silent hitherto, began to open with a malicious grin: 'Ay, 
ay, this is an old trick of Shuffle: I could not help 
smiling when he talked of treating. You must know this is a 
very curious fellow. He picked up some scraps of learning 
while he served young Lord Trifle at the university. But 
what he most excels in is pimping. No man knows his talents 
better than I; for I was valet de chambre to Squire Tattle, 
an intimate companion of Shuffle's lord. He got himself into 
a scrape, by pawning some of his lordship's clothes, on 
which account he was turned away; but, as he was acquainted 
with some particular circumstances of my lord's conduct, he 
did not care to exasperate him too much, and so made 
interest for his receiving orders, and afterwards 
recommended him to the curacy which he now enjoys. However, 
the fellow cannot be too much admired for his dexterity in 
making a comfortable livelihood, in spite of such a small 
allowance. You hear he plays a good stick, and is really 
diverting in company. These qualifications make him 
agreeable wherever he goes; and, as for playing at cards, 
there is not a man within three counties a match for him: 
the truth is, he is a damnable cheat; and can shift a card 
with such address, that it is impossible to discover him.' 
Here he was interrupted by one of the farmers, who asked why 
he had not justice enough to acquaint them with these 
particulars before they engaged in play? The exciseman 
replied, without any hesitation, that it was none of his 
business to intermeddle between man and man; besides, he did 
not know they were ignorant of Shuffle's character, which 
was notorious to the whole country. This did not satisfy the 
other, who taxed him with abetting and assisting the 
curate's knavery, and insisted on having his share of the 
winnings returned; this demand the exciseman as positively 
refused, affirming, that whatsoever sleights Shuffle might 
practise on other occasions, he was very certain that he had 
played on the square with them, and would answer it before 
any bench in Christendom; so saying, he got up, and having 
paid his reckoning, sneaked off. The landlord thrusting his 
neck into the passage, to see if he was gone, shook his 
head, saying, 'Ah! Lord help us, if every sinner was to have 
his deserts. - Well, we victuallers must not disoblige the 
exciseman. - but I know what - if parson Shuffle and he were 
weighed together, a straw thrown into either scale would 
make the balance kick the beam. - but, masters, this is 
under the rose,' continued Boniface, with a whisper.


Chapter 10

Strap and I were about to depart on our journey, when we 
perceived a crowd on the road coming towards us, shouting 
and hallooing all the way. As it approached, we could 
discern a man on horseback in the middle, with his hands 
tied behind him, whom we soon knew to be Rifle. This 
highwayman, not being so well mounted as the two servants 
who went in pursuit of him, was soon overtaken and, after 
having discharged his pistols, made prisoner without any 
further opposition. They were carrying him in triumph, 
amidst the acclamations of the country people, to a justice 
of peace in a neighbouring village, but stopped at our inn 
to join their companion, and take refreshment. When Rifle 
was dismounted and placed in the yard, within a circle of 
peasants armed with pitchforks, I was amazed to see what a 
pitiful dejected fellow he now appeared, who had but a few 
hours before filled me with such terror and confusion. My 
companion was so much encouraged by this alteration in his 
appearance, that, going up to the thief, he presented his 
clenched fists to his nose, and declared he would either 
cudgel or box with the prisoner for a guinea, which he 
immediately produced, and began to strip, but was dissuaded 
from this adventure by me, who represented to him the folly 
of the undertaking, as Rifle was now in the hands of 
justice, which would, no doubt, give us all satisfaction 
enough. But what made me repent of our impertinent 
curiosity, was our being detained by the captors as evidence 
against him, when we were just going to set forward. 
However, there was no remedy; we were obliged to comply; and 
accordingly joined in the cavalcade, which luckily took the 
same road that we had proposed to follow. About the twilight 
we arrived at the place of our destination; but, as the 
justice was gone to visit a gentleman in the country, with 
whom (we understood) he would probably stay all night, the 
robber was confined in an empty garret three stories high, 
from which it seemed impossible for him to escape. This, 
nevertheless, was the case; for next morning, when they went 
upstairs to bring him before the justice, the bird was down, 
having got out at the window upon the roof, from whence he 
continued his route along the tops of the adjoining houses, 
and entered another garret window, where he skulked until 
the family were asleep, at which time he ventured 
downstairs, and let himself out by the street door, which 
was found open. This event was a great disappointment to 
those that apprehended him, who were flushed with hopes of 
the reward; but gave me great joy, as I was permitted now to 
continue my journey without any further molestation. 
Resolving to make up for the small progress we had hitherto 
made, we this day travelled with great vigour, and before 
night reached a market-town, twenty miles from the place 
from whence we set out in the morning, without meeting any 
adventure worth notice. Here having taken up our lodging at 
an inn, I found myself so fatigued, that I began to despair 
of performing our journey on foot, and desired Strap to 
inquire if there were any wagon, return-horses, or other 
cheap carriage in this place, to depart for London next day. 
He was informed, that the wagon from Newcastle to London had 
halted there two nights ago; and that it would be an easy 
matter to overtake it, if not the next day, at farthest the 
day after the next. This piece of news gave us some 
satisfaction; and, after having made a hearty supper on 
hashed mutton, we were shown to our room, which contained 
two beds, the one allotted for us, and the other for a very 
honest gentleman, who, we were told, was then drinking 
below. Though we could have very well dispensed with his 
company, we were glad to submit to this disposition, as 
there was not another bed empty in the house; and 
accordingly went to rest, after having secured our baggage 
under the bolster. About two or three o'clock in the 
morning, I was waked out of a very profound sleep, by a 
dreadful noise in the chamber, which did not fail to throw 
me into an agony of consternation, when I heard these words 
pronounced with a terrible voice: 'Blood and wounds! run the 
halbert into the guts of him that's next you, and I'll blow 
the other's brains out presently.' This dreadful salutation 
had no sooner reached the ears of Strap, than, starting out 
of bed, he ran against somebody in the dark, and overturned 
him in an instant; at the same time bawling out, 'Fire! 
murder! fire!' a cry which in a moment alarmed the whole 
house, and filled our chamber with a crowd of naked people. 
When lights were brought, the occasion of all this 
disturbance soon appeared; which was no other than our 
fellow-lodger, whom we found lying on the floor scratching 
his head, with a look testifying the utmost astonishment at 
the concourse of apparitions that surrounded him. - This 
honest gentleman was, it seems, a recruiting sergeant, who, 
having listed two country fellows overnight, dreamed they 
had mutinied, and threatened to murder him and the drummer 
who was along with him. This made such an impression on his 
imagination, that he got up in his sleep, and expressed 
himself as above. When our apprehension of danger vanished, 
the company beheld one another with great surprise and 
mirth; but what attracted the notice of everyone, was our 
landlady, with nothing on but her shift and a large pair of 
buckskin breeches, with the backside before, which she had 
slipped on in the hurry, and her husband, with her petticoat 
about his shoulders. One had wrapped himself in a blanket, 
another was covered with a sheet, and the drummer, who had 
given his only shirt to be washed, appeared in cuerpo, with 
the bolster rolled about his middle. When this affair was 
discussed, everybody retired to his own apartment, the 
sergeant slipped into bed, and my companion and I slept 
without any further disturbance till morning, when we got 
up, went to breakfast, paid our reckoning, and set forward, 
in expectation of overtaking the wagon; in which hope, 
however, we were disappointed for that day. As we exerted 
ourselves more than usual, I found myself quite spent with 
fatigue, when we entered a small village in the twilight. We 
inquired for a public-house, and were directed to one of a 
very sorry appearance. At our entrance, the landlord, who 
seemed to be a venerable old man, with long grey hair, rose 
from a table placed by a large fire in a very neat paved 
kitchen, and, with a cheerful countenance, accosted us in 
these words: 'Salvete, pueri, ingredimini.' I was not a 
little pleased to hear our host speak Latin, because I was 
in hope of recommending myself to him by my knowledge in 
that language; I therefore answered, without hesitation - 
'Dissolve frigus, ligna super foco - large reponens.' I had 
no sooner pronounced these words, than the old gentleman, 
running toward me, shook me by the hand, crying, 'Fili mi 
dilectissime! unde venis? a superis, ni fallor!' In short, 
finding we were both read in the classics, he did not know 
how to testify his regard enough; but ordered his daughter, 
a jolly rosy-cheeked damsel, who was his sole domestic, to 
bring us a bottle of his quadrimum, repeating from Horace at 
the same time, 'Deprome quadrimum Sabina, O Thaliarche, 
merum diota.' This quadrimum was excellent ale of his own 
brewing, of which he told us he had always an amphora four 
years old for the use of himself and friends. In the course 
of our conversation, which was interlarded with scraps of 
Latin, we understood that this facetious person was a 
schoolmaster, whose income being small, he was fain to keep 
a glass of good liquor for the entertainment of passengers, 
by which he made shift to make the two ends of the year 
meet. 'I am this day,' said he, 'the happiest old fellow in 
his Majesty's dominions. My wife, rest her soul, is in 
heaven. My daughter is to be married next week; but the two 
chief pleasures of my life are these' (pointing to the 
bottle and a large edition of Horace that lay on the table). 
'I am old, 'tis true - what then? the more reason I should 
enjoy the small share of life that remains, as my friend 
Flaccus advises: Tu ne quaesieris (scire nefas) quem mihi, 
quem tibi finem dii dederint. Carpe diem, quam minimum 
credula postero.' As he was very inquisitive about our 
affairs, we made no scruple of acquainting him with our 
situation, which, when he had learned, he enriched us with 
advices how to behave in the world, telling us, that he was 
no stranger to the deceits of mankind. In the meantime, he 
ordered his daughter to lay a fowl to the fire for supper, 
for he was resolved this night to regale his friends - 
permittens divis caetera. While our entertainment was 
preparing, our host recounted the adventures of his own 
life, which, as they contain nothing remarkable, I forbear 
to rehearse. When we had fared sumptuously, and drank 
several bottles of his quadrimum, I expressed a desire of 
going to rest, which was with some difficulty complied with, 
after he had informed us, that we should overtake the wagon 
by noon next day; and that there was room enough in it for 
half a dozen, for there were only four passengers as yet in 
that convenience. Before my comrade and I fell asleep, we 
had some conversation about the good humour of our landlord, 
which gave Strap such an idea of his benevolence, that he 
positively believed we should pay nothing for our lodging 
and entertainment. 'Don't you observe,' said he, 'that he 
has conceived a particular affection for us; nay, even 
treated us at supper with extraordinary fare, which to be 
sure, we should not of ourselves have called for?' I was 
partly of Strap's opinion; but the experience I had of the 
world made me suspend my belief till the morning, when, 
getting up betimes, we breakfasted with our host and his 
daughter on hasty-pudding and ale, and desired to know what 
we had to pay. 'Biddy will let you know, gentlemen,' said 
he, 'for I never mind these matters. Money matters are 
beneath the concern of one who lives upon the Horatian plan. 
Crescentem sequitur cura pecuniam.' Meanwhile, Biddy having 
consulted a slate that hung in the corner, told us, our 
reckoning came to 8s 7d. 'Eight shillings and sevenpence!' 
cried Strap; "tis impossible - you must be mistaken, young 
woman.' 'Reckon again, child,' says her father, very 
deliberately; 'perhaps you have miscounted.' 'No, indeed, 
father,' she replied, 'I know my business better.' I could 
contain my indignation no longer, but said, it was an 
unconscionable bill, and demanded to know the particulars; 
upon which the old man got up, muttering, 'Ay, ay, let us 
see the particulars - that's but reasonable.' And, taking 
pen, ink, and paper, wrote the following items:


To bread and beer	0	6
To a fowl and sausages	2	6
To four bottles quadrim.	2	0
To fire and tobacco	0	7
To lodging	2	0
To breakfast	1	0

	8	7

As he had not the appearance of a common publican, and had 
raised a sort of veneration in me by his demeanour the 
preceding night, it was not in my power to upbraid him as he 
deserved; therefore I contented myself with saying, I was 
sure he did not learn to be an extortioner from Horace. He 
answered, I was but a young man, and did not know the world, 
or I would not tax him with extortion, whose only aim was to 
live 'contentus parvo, and keep off importuna pauperies.' My 
fellow-traveller could not so easily put up with this 
imposition; but swore he should either take one-third of the 
money, or go without. While we were engaged in this dispute, 
I perceived the daughter go out, and conjecturing the 
occasion, immediately paid the exorbitant demand, which was 
no sooner done, than Biddy returned with two stout fellows, 
who came in on pretence of taking their morning draught; but 
in reality to frighten us into compliance. Just as we 
departed, Strap, who was half distracted on account of this 
piece of expense, went up to the schoolmaster, and grinning 
in his face, pronounced with great emphasis, 'Semper avarus 
eget.' To which the pedant replied, with a malicious smile, 
'Animum rege, qui, nisi paret, imperat.'


Chapter 11

We travelled half a mile without exchanging one word; my 
thoughts being engrossed by the knavery of the world, to 
which I must be daily exposed; and the contemplation of my 
finances, which began sensibly to diminish. At length Strap, 
who could hold no longer, addressed me thus: 'Well, fools 
and their money are soon parted. If my advice had been 
taken, that old skinflint should have been damn'd before he 
had got more than the third of his demand. - 'Tis a sure 
sign you came easily by your money, when you squander it 
away in this manner. Ah, God help you, how many bristly 
beards must have I mowed before I earned four shillings and 
threepence halfpenny, which is all thrown to the dogs? How 
many days have I sat weaving hair, till my toes were numbed 
by the cold, my fingers cramp'd, and my nose as blue as the 
sign of the periwig that hung over the door? What the devil 
was you afraid of? I would have engaged to box with any one 
of those fellows that came in, for a guinea. I'm sure I have 
beat stouter men than either of them.' And indeed my 
companion would have fought anybody, when his life was in no 
danger; but he had a mortal aversion to firearms, and all 
instruments of death. In order to appease him, I assured 
him, no part of this extraordinary expense should fall upon 
his shoulders; at which declaration he was affronted, and 
told me, he would have me to know, that, although he was a 
poor barber's boy, he had a soul to spend his money with the 
best squire of the land. Having walked all day at a great 
pace, without halting for a refreshment, we descried, 
towards the evening, to our inexpressible joy, the wagon 
about a quarter of a mile before us; and by the time we 
reached it, were both of us so weary, that I verily believe 
it would have been impracticable for us to have walked one 
mile farther. We therefore bargained with the driver, whose 
name was Joey, to give us a cast to the next stage for a 
shilling; at which place we should meet the master of the 
wagon, with whom we might agree for the rest of the journey.
Accordingly, the convenience stopped, and Joey having placed 
the ladder, Strap (being loaded with our baggage) mounted 
first; but, just as he was getting in, a tremendous voice 
assailed his ears in these words: 'God's fury! there shall 
no passengers come here.' The poor shaver was so 
disconcerted at this exclamation, which both he and I 
imagined proceeded from the mouth of a giant, that he 
descended with great velocity, and a countenance as white as 
paper. Joey perceiving our astonishment, called with an arch 
sneer, 'Waunds, coptain, whay woan't you sooffer the poor 
wagoneer to meake a penny? Coom, coom, young man, get oop, 
get oop, never moind the coptain - I's not afear'd of the 
coptain.' This was not encouragement sufficient to Strap, 
who could not be prevailed upon to venture up again; upon 
which I attempted, though not without a quaking heart, when 
I heard the same voice muttering like distant thunder, 'Hell 
and the devil confound me, if I don't make you smart for 
this!' However, I crept in, and by accident, got an empty 
place in the straw, which I immediately took possession of, 
without being able to discern the faces of my fellow-
travellers in the dark. Strap following with the knapsack on 
his back, chanced to take the other side, and, by a jolt of 
the carriage, pitched directly upon the stomach of the 
captain, who bellowed out in a most dreadful manner, 'Blood 
and thunder, where's my sword?' At these words, my frighted 
comrade started up, and at one spring bounced against me 
with such force, that I thought he was the supposed son of 
Anak, who intended to press me to death. In the meantime, a 
female voice cried, 'Bless me! what is the matter, my dear?' 
'The matter?' replied the captain, 'damn my blood! my guts 
are squeezed into a pancake, by that Scotchman's hump.' 
Strap, trembling all the while at my back, asked him pardon, 
and laid the blame of what had happened upon the jolting of 
the wagon; and the woman who spoke before, went on: 'Ay, ay, 
my dear, it is our own fault; we may thank ourselves for all 
the inconveniences we meet with. I thank God I never 
travelled so before. I'm sure, if my lady or Sir John was to 
know where we are, they would not sleep this night for 
vexation. I wish to God we had writ for the chariot: I know 
we shall never be forgiven.' - 'Come, come, my dear,' 
replied the captain, 'it don't signify fretting now - we 
shall laugh it over as a frolic - I hope you will not suffer 
in your health. I shall make my lord very merry with our 
adventures in the diligence.' This discourse gave me such a 
high notion of the captain and his lady, that I durst not 
venture to join in the conversation. But immediately after, 
another female voice began: 'Some people give themselves a 
great many needless airs - better folks than any here have 
travelled in wagons before now. Some of us have rode in 
coaches and chariots, with three footmen behind them, 
without making so much fuss about it. What then? we are now 
all upon a footing; therefore let's be sociable and merry. 
What do you say, Isaac? Is not this a good motion, you 
doting rogue? Speak, you old cent per cent fornicator. What 
desperate debts are you thinking of? What mortgage are you 
planning? Well, Isaac, positively you shall never gain my 
favour till you turn over a new leaf, grow honest, and live 
like a gentleman. In the meantime, give me a kiss, you old 
fumbler.' These words, accompanied with a hearty smack, 
enlivened the person to whom they were addressed to such a 
degree, that he cried in a transport, though with a 
faltering voice, 'Ah! you wanton baggage - upon my credit, 
you are a waggish girl, he, he, he.' This laugh introduced a 
fit of coughing, which almost suffocated the poor usurer 
(such, we afterwards found, was the profession of this our 
fellow-traveller). About this time I fell asleep, and 
enjoyed a comfortable nap, till such time as we arrived at 
the inn where we put up. Here, having alighted from the 
wagon, I had an opportunity of viewing the passengers in 
order as they entered. The first who appeared was a brisk 
airy girl, about twenty years old, with a silver-laced hat 
on her head, instead of a cap, a blue stuff riding-suit 
trimmed with silver, very much tarnished, and a whip in her 
hand. After her came limping an old man, with a worsted 
night-cap, buttoned under his chin, and a broad-brimmed hat 
slouched over it, an old rusty blue cloak tied about his 
neck, under which appeared a brown surtout, that covered a 
threadbare coat and waistcoat, and, as we afterwards 
discerned, a dirty flannel jacket. His eyes were hollow, 
bleared, and gummy; his face was shrivelled into a thousand 
wrinkles, his gums were destitute of teeth, his nose sharp 
and drooping, his chin peaked and prominent, so that, when 
he mumped or spoke, they approached one another like a pair 
of nut-crackers; he supported himself on an ivory-headed 
cane; and his whole figure was a just emblem of winter, 
famine, and avarice. But how was I surprised, when I beheld 
the formidable captain in the shape of a little thin 
creature, about the age of forty, with a long withered 
visage, very much resembling that of a baboon, through the 
upper part of which two little grey eyes peeped: he wore his 
own hair in a queue that reached to his rump, which 
immoderate length, I suppose, was the occasion of a baldness 
that appeared on the crown of his head, when he deigned to 
take off his hat, which was very much of the size and cock 
of Pistol's. Having laid aside his greatcoat, I could not 
help admiring the extraordinary make of this man of war: he 
was about five feet and three inches high, sixteen inches of 
which went to his face and long scraggy neck; his thighs 
were about six inches in length, his legs resembling 
spindles or drumsticks, two feet and a half, and his body, 
which put me in mind of extension without substance, 
engrossed the remainder; so that, on the whole, he appeared 
like a spider or grasshopper erect, and was almost a vox et 
praeterea nihil. His dress consisted of a frock of what is 
called bearskin, the skirts of which were about half a foot 
long, an hussar waistcoat, scarlet breeches, reaching 
halfway down his thigh, worsted stockings, rolled up almost 
to his groin, and shoes with wooden heels at least two 
inches high: he carried a sword very near as long as himself 
in one hand, and with the other conducted his lady, who 
seemed to be a woman of his own age, and still retained some 
remains of an agreeable person; but so ridiculously 
affected, that, had I not been a novice in the world, I 
might have easily perceived in her the deplorable vanity and 
second-hand airs of a lady's woman. We were all assembled in 
the kitchen, when Captain Weazel (for that was his name) 
desired a room with a fire for himself and spouse, and told 
the landlord they would sup by themselves. The innkeeper 
replied, that he could not afford them a room by themselves; 
and as for supping, he had prepared victuals for the 
passengers in the wagon, without respect of persons; but if 
he could prevail on the rest to let him have his choice in a 
separate manner, he should be very well pleased. This was no 
sooner said, than all of us declared against the proposal; 
and Miss Jenny, our other female passenger, observed, that, 
if Captain Weazel and his lady had a mind to sup by 
themselves, they might wait until we should have done. At 
this hint, the captain put on a martial frown, and looked 
very big, without speaking; while his yoke-fellow, with a 
disdainful toss of her nose, muttered something about 
'Creature!' which Miss Jenny overhearing, stepped up to her, 
saying, 'None of your names, good Mrs Abigail. Creature, 
quotha - I'll assure you, no such creature as you, neither - 
no ten pound sneaker - no quality coupler.' - here the 
captain interposed, with a 'Damme, madam, what do you mean 
by that?' - 'Damn you, sir, who are you?' replied Miss 
Jenny; 'who made you a captain, you pitiful, trencher-
scraping, pimping curler? - 'Sdeath! the army is come to a 
fine pass, when such fellows as you get commissions - what, 
I suppose you think I don't know you? - Egad, you and your 
helpmate are well met - a cast-off mistress and a bald valet 
de chambre are well yoked together.' 'Blood and wounds!' 
cried Weazel, 'd'ye question the honour of my wife, madam! - 
Hell and damnation! No man in England durst say so much. I 
would flea him - carbonado him! Fury and destruction! I 
would have his liver for my supper.' So saying, he drew his 
sword and flourished with it, to the great terror of Strap; 
while Miss Jenny, snapping her fingers, told him, she did 
not value his resentment a louse. In the midst of this 
quarrel the master of the wagon alighted, who understanding 
the cause of the disturbance, and fearing the captain and 
his lady would take umbrage, and leave his carriage, was at 
great pains to have everything made up, which he at last 
accomplished, and we sat down to supper all together. At 
bedtime we were shown to our apartments: the old usurer, 
Strap, and I, to one room; the captain, his wife, and Miss 
Jenny, to another. About midnight, my companion's bowels 
being disordered, he got up, in order to go backward; but, 
in his return, mistaking one door for another, entered 
Weazel's chamber, and without any hesitation, went to bed to 
his wife, who was fast asleep; the captain being at another 
end of the room, groping for some empty vessel, in lieu of 
his own chamber-pot, which was leaky; as he did not perceive 
Strap coming in, he went towards his own bed, after having 
found a convenience; but no sooner did he feel a rough head, 
covered with a cotton night-cap, than it came into his mind, 
that he had mistaken Miss Jenny's bed instead of his own, 
and that the head he felt was that of some gallant, with 
whom she had made an assignation. Full of this conjecture, 
and scandalized at the prostitution of his apartment, he 
snatched up the vessel he had just before filled, and 
emptied it at once on the astonished barber and his own 
wife, who waking at that instant, broke forth into 
lamentable cries, which not only alarmed the husband beyond 
measure, but frightened poor Strap almost out of his senses; 
for he verily believed himself bewitched; especially when 
the incensed captain seized him by the throat, with a volley 
of oaths, asking him how he durst have the presumption to 
attempt the chastity of his wife. Poor Strap was so amazed 
and confounded, that he could say nothing, but, 'I take God 
to witness, she's a virgin for me.' Mrs Weazel, enraged to 
find herself in such a pickle, through the precipitation of 
her husband, arose in her shift, and with the heel of her 
shoe, which she found by the bedside, belaboured the 
captain's bald pate, till he roared, 'Murder.' 'I'll teach 
you to empty your stink-pots on me,' cried she, 'you pitiful 
hop-o'-my-thumb coxcomb. What! I warrant you're jealous, you 
man of lath. Was it for this I condescended to take you to 
my bed, you poor withered sapless twig.' The noise 
occasioned by this adventure had brought the master of the 
wagon and me to the door, where we overheard all that passed 
with great satisfaction. In the meantime, we were alarmed 
with the cry of 'Rape! murder! rape!' which Miss Jenny 
pronounced with great vociferation. - 'O! you vile 
abominable old villain,' said she, 'would you rob me of my 
virtue? But I'll be revenged of you, you old goat! I will - 
Help! for heaven's sake! help! - I shall be ravished - 
ruined! help!' Some servants of the inn, hearing this cry, 
came running upstairs with lights, and such weapons as 
chance afforded, when we beheld a very diverting scene. In 
one corner stood the poor captain, shivering in his shirt, 
which was all torn to rags, with a woeful visage, scratched 
all over by his wife, who had by this time wrapped the 
counterpane about her, and sat sobbing on the side of her 
bed. In the other end lay the old usurer, sprawling on Miss 
Jenny's bed, with his flannel jacket over his shirt, and his 
tawny meagre limbs exposed to the air; while she held him 
fast by the two ears, and loaded him with execrations. When 
we asked what was the matter, she affected to weep; told us, 
she was afraid that wicked rogue had ruined her in her 
sleep; and bade us take notice of what we saw, for she 
intended to make use of our evidence against him. The poor 
wretch looked like one more dead than alive, and begged to 
be released; a favour which he had no sooner obtained, than 
he protested she was no woman, but a devil incarnate; that 
she had first seduced his flesh to rebel, and then betrayed 
him. 'Yes, cockatrice,' continued he, 'you know you laid 
this snare for me, but you shan't succeed, for I will hang 
myself before you shall get a farthing off me.' So saying, 
he crawled to his own bed, groaning all the way. We then 
advanced to the captain, who told us, 'Gentleman, here has 
been a damned mistake; but I'll be revenged on him who was 
the occasion of it. That Scotchman who carries the knapsack 
shall not breathe this vital air another day, if my name be 
Weazel. My dear, I ask you ten thousand pardons; you are 
sensible I could mean no harm to you.' - 'I know not what 
you meant,' replied she, sighing, 'but I know I have got 
enough to send me to my grave.' At length they were 
reconciled. The wife was complimented with a share of Miss 
Jenny's bed (her own being overflowed), and the master of 
the wagon invited Weazel to sleep the remaining part of the 
night with him. I retired to mine, where I found Strap 
mortally afraid, he having stole away in the dark, while the 
captain and his lady were at loggerheads.


Chapter 12

Next morning I agreed to give the master of the wagon ten 
shillings for my passage to London, provided Strap should be 
allowed to take my place when I should be disposed to walk - 
at the same time I desired him to appease the incensed 
captain, who had entered the kitchen with a drawn sword in 
his hand, and threatened, with many oaths, to sacrifice the 
villain who attempted to violate his bed: but it was to no 
purpose for the master to explain the mistake, and assure 
him of the poor lad's innocence, who stood trembling behind 
me all the while. The more submission that appeared in 
Strap, the more implacable seemed the resentment of Weazel, 
who swore he must either fight him, or he would instantly 
put him to death. I was extremely provoked at this 
insolence, and told him, it could not be supposed that a 
poor barber lad would engage a man of the sword at his own 
weapon; but I was persuaded he would wrestle or box with 
him. To which proposal Strap immediately gave assent, by 
saying, he would box him for a guinea. Weazel replied, with 
a look of disdain, that it was beneath any gentleman of his 
character to fight like a porter, or even to put himself on 
a footing, in any respect, with such a fellow as Strap. 
'Odds bodikins!' cries Joey, 'sure, coptain, yaw would not 
commit moorder! Here's a poor lad that is willing to make 
atoonement for his offence; and an that woan't satisfie yaw, 
offers to fight yaw fairly. An' yaw woan't box, I daresay, 
he will coodgel with yaw - woan't yaw, my lad?' - Strap, 
after some hesitation, answered, 'Yes, yes, I'll cudgel with 
him.' But this expedient being also rejected by the captain, 
I began to smell his character, and, tipping Strap the wink, 
told the company that I had always heard it said, the person 
who receives a challenge should have the choice of weapons; 
this therefore being the rule in point of honour, I would 
venture to promise, on the head of my companion, that he 
would even fight Captain Weazel at sharps, but it should be 
with such sharps as Strap was best acquainted with, namely 
razors. At my mentioning razors, I could perceive the 
captain's colour change, while Strap, pulling me by the 
sleeve, whispered with great eagerness, 'No, no, no; for the 
love of God, don't make any such bargain.' At length Weazel 
recovering himself, returned towards me, and, with a 
ferocious countenance, asked, 'Who the devil are you? will 
you fight me?' With these words, putting himself in a 
posture, I was grievously alarmed at seeing the point of a 
sword within half a foot of my breast; and, springing to one 
side, snatched up a spit that stood in the chimney-corner, 
with which I kept my formidable adversary at bay, who made a 
great many half-longes, skipping backward at every push, 
till at last I pinned him up in a corner, to the no small 
diversion of the company. While he was in this situation, 
his wife entered, and, seeing her husband in these dangerous 
circumstances, uttered a dreadful scream: in this emergency, 
Weazel demanded a cessation, which was immediately granted; 
and at last was contented with the submission of Strap, who, 
falling upon his knees before him, protested the innocence 
of his intention, and asked pardon for the mistake he had 
committed. This affair being ended without bloodshed, we 
went to breakfast, but missed two of our company, namely, 
Miss Jenny and the usurer. As for the first, Mrs Weazel 
informed us, that she had kept her awake all night with her 
groans; and that, when she rose in the morning, Miss Jenny 
was so much indisposed, that she could not proceed on her 
journey. At that instant, a message came from her to the 
master of the wagon, who immediately went to her chamber, 
followed by us all. She told him in a lamentable tone, that 
she was afraid of a miscarriage, owing to the fright she 
received last night from the brutality of Isaac; and, as the 
event was uncertain, desired the usurer might be detained to 
answer for the consequence. Accordingly, this ancient 
Tarquin was found in the wagon, whither he had retired to 
avoid the shame of last night's disgrace, and brought by 
force to her presence. He no sooner appeared, than she began 
to weep and sigh most piteously, and told us, if she died, 
she would leave her blood upon the head of that ravisher. 
Poor Isaac turned up his eyes and hands to heaven, prayed 
that God would deliver him from the machinations of that 
Jezebel; and assured us, with tears in his eyes, that his 
being found in bed with her was the result of her own 
invitation. The wagoner understanding the case, advised 
Isaac to make it up, by giving her a sum of money; to which 
advice he replied, with great vehemence, 'A sum of money! - 
a halter for the cockatrice!' - 'Oh! 'tis very well,' said 
Miss Jenny: 'I see it is in vain to attempt that flinty 
heart of his by fair means. Joey, be so good as to go to the 
justice, and tell him there is a sick person here, who wants 
to see him on an affair of consequence.' At the name of 
justice, Isaac trembled, and, bidding Joey stay, asked with 
a quivering voice, what she would have? She told him, that 
as he had not perpetrated his wicked purpose, she would be 
satisfied with a small matter. And though the damage she 
might sustain in her health might be irreparable, she would 
give him a release for an hundred guineas. 'An hundred 
guineas!' cried he, in an ecstasy, 'an hundred furies! Where 
should a poor wretch like me have an hundred guineas? If I 
had so much money, d'ye think I should be found travelling 
in a wagon at this season of the year?' 'Come, come,' 
replied Jenny, 'none of your miserly artifice here. You 
think I don't know Isaac Rapine, the money-broker, in the 
Minories. Ah! you old rogue! many a pawn have you had of me 
and my acquaintance, which was never redeemed.' Isaac 
finding it was in vain to disguise himself, offered twenty 
shillings for a discharge, which she absolutely refused 
under fifty pounds. At last, however, she was brought down 
to five, which he paid, with great reluctancy, rather than 
be prosecuted for a rape. After which accommodation the sick 
person made shift to get into the wagon, and we set forwards 
in great tranquillity, Strap being accommodated with Joey's 
horse, the driver himself choosing to walk. This morning and 
forenoon we were entertained with an account of the valour 
of Captain Weazel, who told us he had once knocked down a 
soldier that made game of him; tweaked a drawer by the nose, 
who found fault with his picking his teeth with a fork, at 
another time; and that he had moreover challenged a 
cheesemonger, who had the presumption to be his rival: - for 
the truth of which exploits he appealed to his wife. She 
confirmed whatever he said, and observed, 'The last affair 
happened that very day on which I received a love-letter 
from Squire Gobble; and don't you remember, my dear, I was 
prodigiously sick that very night with eating ortolans, when 
my Lord Diddle took notice of my complexion's being altered, 
and my lady was so alarmed that she had well-nigh fainted.' 
'Yes, my dear,' replied the captain, 'you know, my lord said 
to me, with a sneer, "Billy, Mrs Weazel is certainly 
breeding." And I answered cavalierly, "My lord, I wish I 
could return the compliment." Upon which the whole company 
broke out into an immoderate fit of laughter; and my lord, 
who loves a repartee dearly, came round and bussed me.'
We travelled in this manner five days, without interruption, 
or meeting anything worth notice; Miss Jenny, who soon 
recovered her spirits, entertaining us every day with 
diverting songs, of which she could sing a great number; and 
rallying her old gallant, who, notwithstanding, would never 
be reconciled to her. On the sixth day, while we were about 
to sit down to dinner, the innkeeper came and told us, that 
three gentlemen, just arrived, had ordered the victuals to 
be carried to their apartment, although he had informed them 
that they were bespoke by the passengers in the wagon. To 
which information they had replied, 'The passengers in the 
wagon might be damned - their betters must be served before 
them - they supposed it would be no hardship on such 
travellers to dine upon bread and cheese for one day.' This 
was a terrible disappointment to us all; and we laid our 
heads together how to remedy it; when Miss Jenny observed, 
that Captain Weazel, being by profession a soldier, ought in 
this case to protect and prevent us from being insulted. But 
the captain excused himself, saying, he would not for all 
the world be known to have travelled in a wagon; swearing at 
the same time, that, could he appear with honour, they 
should eat his sword sooner than his provision. Upon this 
declaration, Miss Jenny, snatching his weapon, drew it, and 
ran immediately into the kitchen, where she threatened to 
put the cook to death if he did not send the victuals into 
our chamber immediately. The noise she made brought the 
three strangers down, one of whom no sooner perceived her, 
than he cried, 'Ha! Jenny Ramper! what the devil brought 
thee hither?' 'My dear Jack Rattle!' replied she, running 
into his arms, 'is it you? Then Weazel may go to hell for a 
dinner - I shall dine with you.' They consented to this 
proposal with a great deal of joy; and we were on the point 
of being reduced to a very uncomfortable meal, when Joey, 
understanding the whole affair, entered the kitchen with a 
pitchfork in his hand, and swore he would be the death of 
any man who should pretend to seize the victuals prepared 
for the wagon. This menace had like to have produced fatal 
consequences; the three strangers drawing their swords, and 
being joined by their servants, and we ranging ourselves on 
the side of Joey; when the landlord interposing, offered to 
part with his own dinner to keep the peace, which was 
accepted by the strangers; and we sat down at table without 
any further molestation. In the afternoon, I chose to walk 
along with Joey, and Strap took my place. Having entered 
into a conversation with this driver, I soon found him to be 
a merry, facetious, good-natured fellow, and withal very 
arch. He informed me, that Miss Jenny was a common girl upon 
the town; who falling into company with a recruiting 
officer, he carried her down in the stagecoach from London 
to Newcastle, where he had been arrested for debt, and was 
now in prison; upon which she was fain to return to her 
former way of life, by this conveyance. He told me likewise, 
that one of the gentleman's servants whom we left at the 
inn, having accidentally seen Weazel, immediately knew him, 
and acquainted Joey with some particulars of his character. 
That he had served my Lord Frizzle in quality of valet de 
chambre many years, while he lived separate from his lady. 
But, upon their reconciliation, she expressly insisted upon 
Weazel's being turned off, as well as the woman he kept; 
when his lordship, to get rid of them both with a good 
grace, proposed that he should marry his mistress, and he 
would procure a commission for him in the army. This 
expedient was agreed to; and Weazel is now, by his 
lordship's interest, ensign in -- 's regiment. I found he 
and I had the same sentiments with regard to Weazel's 
courage, which we resolved to put to the trial, by alarming 
the passengers with the cry of 'A highwayman!' as soon as an 
horseman should appear. This scheme we put in practice 
towards the dusk, when we descried a man on horseback 
approaching us. Joey had no sooner intimated to the people 
in the wagon, that he was afraid we should be all robbed, 
than a general consternation arose. Strap jumped out of the 
wagon, and hid himself behind a hedge. The usurer put forth 
ejaculations, and made a rustling among the straw, which 
made us conjecture he had hid something under it. Mrs 
Weazel, wringing her hands, uttered lamentable cries; and 
the captain, to our great amazement, began to snore; but 
this artifice did not succeed; for Miss Jenny, shaking him 
by the shoulder, bawled out, "Sdeath! captain, is this time 
to snore, when we are going to be robbed? Get up, for shame, 
and behave like a soldier and a man of honour.' Weazel 
pretended to be in a great passion for being disturbed, and 
swore he would have his nap out if all the highwaymen in 
England surrounded him. 'Damn my blood! what are you afraid 
of?' continued he, at the same time trembling with such 
agitation, that the whole carriage shook. This singular 
piece of behaviour incensed Miss Ramper so much that she 
cried, 'Damn your pitiful soul, you are as arrant a poltroon 
as ever was drummed out of a regiment. - Stop the wagon, 
Joey - let me get out, and by God, if I have rhetoric 
enough, the thief shall not only take your purse, but your 
skin also.' So saying, she leapt out with great agility. By 
this time the horseman came up with us, and happened to be a 
gentleman's servant well known to Joey, who communicated the 
scheme, and desired him to carry it on a little further, by 
going up to the wagon, and questioning those within. The 
stranger consenting for the sake of diversion, approached 
it, and in a terrible tone, demanded, 'Who have we got 
here?' Isaac replied, with a lamentable voice, 'Here's a 
poor miserable sinner, who has got a small family to 
maintain, and nothing in the world wherewithal, but these 
fifteen shillings, which if you rob me of, we must all 
starve together.' 'Who's that sobbing in the other corner?' 
said the supposed highwayman. 'A poor unfortunate woman,' 
answered Mrs Weazel, 'upon whom I beg you for Christ's sake 
to have compassion.' 'Are you maid or wife?' said he. 'Wife, 
to my sorrow,' cried she. 'Who or where is your husband?' 
continued he. 'My husband,' replied Mrs Weazel, 'is an 
officer in the army, and was left sick at the last inn where 
we dined.' 'You must be mistaken, madam,' said he, 'for I 
myself saw him get into the wagon this afternoon. - but pray 
what smell is that? Sure your lap-dog has befouled himself - 
let me catch hold of the nasty cur, I'll teach him better 
manners.' Here he laid hold of one of Weazel's legs, and 
pulled him out from under his wife's petticoats, where he 
had concealed himself. The poor trembling captain, being 
detected in this inglorious situation, rubbed his eyes, and 
affecting to wake out of sleep, cried, 'What's the matter? - 
what's the matter?' 'The matter is not much,' answered the 
horseman, 'I only called in to inquire after your health, 
and so adieu, most noble captain.' So saying, he clapt spurs 
to his horse, and was out of sight in a moment. It was some 
time before Weazel could recollect himself, but at length 
reassuming the big look, he said, 'Damn the fellow! why did 
he ride away, before I had time to ask him how his lord and 
lady do? - Don't you remember Tom, my dear?' addressing 
himself to his wife. 'Yes,' replied she, 'I think I do 
remember something of the fellow - but you know I seldom 
converse with people of his station.' 'Hey-day,' cried Joey, 
'do yaw knaw the young mon, coptain?' 'Know him,' said 
Weazel, 'many a time has he filled a glass of Burgundy for 
me at my Lord Trippet's table.' 'And what may his neame be, 
coptain?' said Joey. 'His name! - his name,' replied Weazel, 
'is Tom Rinser.' 'Waunds!' cried Joey, 'a has changed his 
own neame then! for I'se lay a wager he was christened John 
Trotter.' This observation raised a laugh against the 
captain, who seemed very much disconcerted; when Isaac broke 
silence, and said, 'It was no matter who or what he was, 
since he has not proved the robber we suspected. And we 
ought to bless God for our narrow escape.' 'Bless God,' said 
Weazel, 'bless the devil! for what? had he been a 
highwayman, I should have eat his blood, body, and guts, 
before he had robbed me, or anyone in this diligence.' 'Ha, 
ha, ha!' cried Miss Jenny, 'I believe you will eat all you 
kill indeed, captain.' The usurer was so well pleased at the 
event of this adventure, that he could not refrain from 
being severe, and took notice, that Captain Weazel seemed to 
be a good Christian, for he had armed himself with patience 
and resignation, instead of carnal weapons, and worked out 
his salvation with fear and trembling. This piece of satire 
occasioned a great deal of mirth at Weazel's expense, who 
muttered a great many oaths, and threatened to cut Isaac's 
throat. The usurer taking hold of this menace, said, 
'Gentlemen and ladies, I take you all to witness, that my 
life is in danger from this bloody-minded officer. I'll have 
him bound over to the peace.' This second sneer procured 
another laugh against him, and he remained crestfallen 
during the remaining part of our journey.



Chapter 13

We arrived at our inn, supped, and went to bed; but Strap's 
distemper continuing, he was obliged to rise in the middle 
of the night, and taking the candle in his hand, which he 
had left burning for the purpose, he went down to the house 
of office, whence, in a short time, he returned in a great 
hurry, with his hair standing on end, and a look betokening 
horror and astonishment. Without speaking a word, he set 
down the light, and jumped into bed behind me, where he lay 
and trembled with great violence. When I asked him what was 
the matter? he replied, with a broken accent, 'God have 
mercy on us! - I have seen the devil!' Though my prejudice 
was not quite so strong as his, I was not a little alarmed 
at this exclamation: and much more so, when I heard the 
sound of bells approaching our chamber, and felt my bed-
fellow cling close to me, uttering these words, 'Christ have 
mercy upon us! - there he comes!' At that instant a 
monstrous overgrown raven entered our chamber, with bells at 
his feet, and made directly towards our bed. As this 
creature is reckoned in our country a common vehicle for the 
devil and witches to play their pranks in, I verily believed 
we were haunted, and, in a violent fright, shrunk under the 
bedclothes. This terrible apparition leapt upon the bed, 
and, after giving us several severe dabs with its beak 
through the blankets, hopped away and vanished. Strap and I 
recommended ourselves to the protection of Heaven with great 
devotion; and, when we no longer heard the noise, ventured 
to peep up and take breath. But we had not been long freed 
from this phantom, when another appeared, that had well-nigh 
deprived us both of our senses. We perceived an old man 
enter the room, with a long white beard that reached to his 
middle; there was a certain wild peculiarity in his eyes and 
countenance that did not savour of this world; and his dress 
consisted of a brown stuff coat, buttoned behind and at the 
wrists with an odd-fashioned cap of the same stuff upon his 
head. I was so amazed, that I had not power to move my eyes 
from such a ghastly object, but lay motionless, and saw him 
come straight up to me. When he reached the bed, he wrung 
his hands, and cried, with a voice that did not seem to 
belong to a human creature, 'Where is Ralph?' I made no 
reply; upon which he repeated, in an accent still more 
preternatural, 'Where is Ralpho?' He had no sooner 
pronounced these words, than I heard the sound of the bells 
at a distance; which the apparition having listened to, 
tripped away, and left me almost petrified with fear. It was 
a good while before I could recover myself so far as to 
speak; and when at length I turned to Strap, I found him in 
a fit, which, however, did not last long. When he came to 
himself, I asked his opinion of what had happened; and he 
assured me, that the first must certainly be the soul of 
some person damned, which appeared by the chains about his 
legs (for his fears had magnified the creature to the 
bigness of a horse, and the sound of small morrice-bells to 
the clanking of massy chains). As for the old man, he took 
it to be the spirit of somebody murdered long ago in this 
place, which had power granted to it to torment the assassin 
in the shape of a raven, and that Ralpho was the name of the 
said murderer. Although I had not much faith in this 
interpretation, I was too much troubled to enjoy any sleep, 
and in all my future adventures never passed a night so ill. 
In the morning, Strap imparted the whole affair to Joey, 
who, after an immoderate fit of laughter, explained the 
matter, by telling him the old man was the landlord's 
father, who had been an idiot some years, and diverted 
himself with a tame raven, which, it seems, had hopped away 
from his apartment in the night, and induced him to follow 
it to our chamber, where he had inquired after it, under the 
name of Ralpho.
Nothing remarkable happened during the remaining part of our 
journey, which continued six or seven days longer. At length 
we entered the great city, and lodged all night at the inn 
where the wagon put up. Next morning, all the passengers 
parted different ways: while my companion and I sallied out 
to inquire for the member of parliament, to whom I had a 
letter of recommendation from Mr Crab. As we had discharged 
our lodging at the inn, Strap took up our baggage, and 
marched behind me in the street, with the knapsack on his 
back, as usual, so that we made a very whimsical appearance. 
I had dressed myself to the greatest advantage - that is, 
put on a clean ruffled shirt, and my best thread stockings. 
My hair, which was of the deepest red, hung down upon my 
shoulders, as lank and straight as a pound of candles; and 
the skirts of my coat reached to the middle of my leg; my 
waistcoat and breeches were of the same piece, and cut in 
the same taste; and my hat very much resembled a barber's 
basin, in the shallowness of the crown, and narrowness of 
the brim. Strap was habited in a much less awkward manner; 
but a short crop-eared wig that very much resembled Scrub's 
in the play, and the knapsack on his back, added to what is 
called a queer phiz, occasioned by a long chin, hook nose, 
and high cheek-bones, rendered him on the whole a very fit 
subject of mirth and pleasantry. As we walked along, Strap, 
at my desire, inquired of a carman, whom we met, whereabouts 
Mr Cringer lived; and was answered by a stare, accompanied 
with the word, 'Anan!' Upon which I came up in order to 
explain the question, but had the misfortune to be 
unintelligible likewise, the carman damning us for a lousy 
Scotch guard, and whipping his horses, with a 'Gee ho!' 
which nettled me to the quick, and roused the indignation of 
Strap so far, that, after the fellow was gone a good way, he 
told me he would fight him for a farthing. While we were 
deliberating upon what was to be done, an hackney coachman 
driving softly along, and perceiving us standing by the 
kennel, came up close to us, and calling, 'A coach, master!' 
by a dextrous management of the reins, made his horses 
stumble in the wet, and bedaub us all over with mud. After 
which exploit, he drove on, applauding himself with a hearty 
laugh, in which several people joined, to my great 
mortification; but one, more compassionate than the rest, 
seeing us strangers, advised me to go into an alehouse and 
dry myself. I thanked him for his advice, which I 
immediately complied with; and going into the house he 
pointed out, called for a pot of beer, and sat down by a 
fire in the public room, where we cleaned ourselves as well 
as we could. In the meantime, a wag, who sat in a box, 
smoking his pipe, understanding by our dialect that we were 
from Scotland, came up to me, and, with a grave countenance, 
asked how long I had been caught? As I did not know the 
meaning of this question, I made no answer; and he went on, 
saying, it could not be a great while, for my tail was not 
yet cut; at the same time, taking hold of my hair, and 
tipping the wink to the rest of the company, who seemed 
highly entertained with his wit. I was incensed at this 
usage, but afraid of resenting it, because I happened to be 
in a strange place, and perceived the person who spoke to me 
was a brawny fellow, for whom I thought myself by no means a 
match. However, Strap having either more courage, or less 
caution, could not put up with the insults that I suffered; 
but told him, in a peremptory tone, 'He was an uncivil 
fellow for making so free with his betters.' Then the wit, 
going towards him, asked what he had got in his knapsack? 
'Is it oatmeal, or brimstone, Sawney?' said he, seizing him 
by the chin, which he shook, to the inexpressible diversion 
of all present. My companion, feeling himself assaulted in 
such an opprobrious manner, disengaged himself in a trice, 
and lent his antagonist such a box on the ear, as made him 
stagger to the other side of the room; and in a moment, a 
ring was formed for the combatants. Seeing Strap beginning 
to strip, and my blood being heated with indignation, which 
banished all other thoughts, I undressed myself to the skin 
in an instant, and declared, that as the affront that 
occasioned the quarrel was offered to me, I would fight it 
out myself; upon which one or two cried out, 'That's a brave 
Scotch boy; you shall have fair play, by God.' This 
assurance gave me fresh spirits, and going up to my 
adversary, who, by his pale countenance, did not seem much 
inclined to the battle, I struck him so hard on the stomach, 
that he reeled over the bench, and fell to the ground. Then 
I attempted to keep him down, in order to improve my 
success, according to the manner of my own country, but was 
restrained by the spectators, one of whom endeavoured to 
raise up my opponent, but in vain; for he protested he would 
not fight, for he was not quite recovered of a late illness. 
I was very well pleased with this excuse, and immediately 
dressed myself, having acquired the good opinion of the 
company for my bravery, as well as of my comrade Strap, who 
shook me by the hand, and wished me joy of the victory. 
After having drank our pot, and dried our clothes, we 
inquired of the landlord if he knew Mr Cringer, the member 
of parliament, and were amazed at his replying in the 
negative; for we imagined, he must be altogether as 
conspicuous here as in the borough he represented; but he 
told us we might possibly hear of him as we passed along. We 
betook ourselves, therefore, to the street, where, seeing a 
footman standing at a door, we made up to him, and asked if 
he knew where our patron lived? This member of the parti-
coloured fraternity, surveying us both very minutely, said 
he knew Mr Cringer very well, and bade us turn down the 
first street on our left, then turn to the right, and then 
to the left again, after which perambulation we would 
observe a lane, through which we must pass, and at the other 
end we should find an alley that led to another street, 
where we should see the sign of the Thistle and Three 
Pedlars, and there he lodged. We thanked him for his 
information, and went forwards, Strap telling me, that he 
knew this person to be an honest friendly man, by his 
countenance, before he opened his mouth; in which opinion I 
acquiesced, ascribing his good manners to the company he 
daily saw in the house where he served. We followed his 
directions punctually, in turning to the left and to the 
right, and to the left again; but instead of seeing a lane 
before us, found ourselves at the side of the river, a 
circumstance that perplexed us not a little; and my fellow-
traveller ventured to pronounce, that we had certainly 
missed our way. By this time we were pretty much fatigued 
with our walk, and not knowing how to proceed, I went into a 
small snuff shop hard by, encouraged by the sign of the 
Highlander, where I found, to my inexpressible satisfaction, 
the shopkeeper was my countryman. He was no sooner informed 
of our peregrination, and the directions we had received 
from the footman, than he informed us, we had been imposed 
upon, telling us, Mr Cringer lived in the other end of the 
town; and that it would be to no purpose for us to go 
thither today, for by that time he was gone to the House. I 
then asked if he could recommend us to a lodging. He readily 
gave us a line to one of his acquaintance, who kept a 
chandler's shop not far from St Martin's Lane; there we 
hired a bedroom, up two pair of stairs, at the rate of two 
shillings per week, so very small, that, when the bed was 
let down, we were obliged to carry out every other piece of 
furniture that belonged to the apartment, and use the 
bedstead by way of chairs. About dinner-time our landlord 
asked us how we proposed to live? to which interrogation we 
answered, that we would be directed by him. 'Well, then,' 
says he, 'there are two ways of eating in this town, for 
people of your condition - the one more creditable and 
expensive than the other; the first is, to dine at an eating-
house, frequented by well-dressed people only; and the other 
is called diving, practised by those who are either obliged 
or inclined to live frugally.' I gave him to understand, 
that, provided the last was not infamous, it would suit much 
better with our circumstances than the other. 'Infamous,' 
cried he, 'God forbid! there are many creditable people, 
rich people, ay, and fine people, that dive every day. I 
have seen many a pretty gentleman, with a laced waistcoat, 
dine in that manner very comfortably for threepence 
halfpenny, and go afterwards to the coffee-house, where he 
made a figure with the best lord in the land; but your own 
eyes shall bear witness - I will go along with you today, 
and introduce you.' He accordingly conducted us to a certain 
lane, where stopping, he bade us observe him, and do as he 
did; and, walking a few paces, dived into a cellar, and 
disappeared in an instant. I followed his example, and 
descending very successfully, found myself in the middle of 
a cook's shop, almost suffocated with the steams of boiled 
beef, and surrounded by a company of hackney coachmen, 
chairmen, draymen, and a few footmen out of place, or on 
board wages, who sat eating shin of beef, tripe, cowheel, or 
sausages at separate boards, covered with cloths which 
turned my stomach. While I stood in amaze, undetermined 
whether to sit down or walk upwards again, Strap, in his 
descent missing one of the steps, tumbled headlong into this 
infernal ordinary, and overturned the cook, as she carried a 
porringer of soup to one of the guests. In her fall, she 
dashed the whole mess against the legs of a drummer, 
belonging to the foot-guards, who happened to be in her way, 
and scalded him so miserably, that he started up, and danced 
up and down, uttering a volley of execrations, that made my 
hair stand on end. While he entertained the company in this 
manner, with an eloquence peculiar to himself, the cook got 
up, and, after a hearty curse on the poor author of this 
mischance, who lay under the table, scratching his rump with 
a woeful countenance, emptied a salt-cellar in her hand, and 
stripping down the patient's stocking, which brought the 
skin along with it, applied the contents to the sore. This 
poultice was scarce laid on, when the drummer, who had begun 
to abate of his exclamation, broke forth into such a hideous 
yell, as made the whole company tremble; then, seizing a 
pewter pint pot that stood by him, squeezed the sides of it 
together, as if it had been made of pliant leather, grinding 
his teeth at the same time with a most horrible grin. 
Guessing the cause of this violent transport, I bade the 
woman wash off the salt, and then bathe the part with oil, 
which she did, and procured him immediate ease. But here 
another difficulty occurred, which was no other than the 
landlady's insisting on his paying for the pot he had 
rendered useless. He swore he would pay for nothing but what 
he had eaten, and bade her be thankful for his moderation, 
or else he would prosecute her for damages. Strap, 
foreseeing the whole affair would lie at his door, promised 
to satisfy the cook, and called for a dram of gin to treat 
the drummer, which entirely appeased him, and composed all 
animosities. After this accommodation, our landlord and we 
sat down at a board, and dined upon shin of beef most 
deliciously; our reckoning amounting to twopence halfpenny 
each, bread and small beer included.



Chapter 14

In the afternoon my companion proposed to call at his 
friend's house, which, we were informed, was in the 
neighbourhood; whither we accordingly went, and were so 
lucky as to find him at home. This gentleman, who had come 
from Scotland three or four years before, kept a school in 
town, where he taught the Latin, French and Italian 
languages; but what he chiefly professed was the 
pronunciation of the English tongue, after a method more 
speedy and uncommon than any practised heretofore; and, 
indeed, if his scholars spoke like their master, the latter 
part of his undertaking was certainly performed to a tittle; 
for, although I could easily understand every word of what I 
had heard hitherto since I entered England, three parts in 
four of his dialect were as unintelligible to me as if he 
had spoke in Arabic or Irish. He was a middle-sized man, and 
stooped very much, though not above the age of forty; his 
face frightfully pitted with the small-pox, and his mouth 
extended from ear to ear. He was dressed in a night-gown of 
plaid, fastened about his middle with a sergeant's old sash, 
and a tie-periwig, with a fore-top three inches high, in the 
fashion of King Charles the Second's reign. After he had 
received Strap (who was related to him) very courteously, he 
inquired of him who I was, and, being informed, took me by 
the hand, telling me he was at school with my father. When 
he understood my situation, he assured me that he would do 
me all the service in his power, both by his advice and 
otherwise; and, while he spoke these words, eyed me with 
great attention, walking round me several times, and 
muttering, 'O Christ! O Christ! fat a saight is here?' I 
soon guessed the reason of his ejaculation, and said, 'I 
suppose, sir, you are not pleased with my dress?' 'Dress!' 
answered he, 'you may caal it fat you please in your 
country, but I vaw to Gad, 'tis a masquerade here. No 
Christian will admit such a figure into his hawse. Upon my 
conscience! I wonder the dogs did not hunt you. Did you pass 
through St James's Market? God bless my eye-saight! you look 
like a cousin-german of Ouran Outang.' - I began to be a 
little serious at this discourse, and asked him if he 
thought I should obtain entrance tomorrow at the house of Mr 
Cringer, on whom I chiefly depended for an introduction into 
business. 'Mr Cringer, Mr Cringer,' replied he, scratching 
his cheek, 'may be a very honest gentleman - I know nothing 
to the contrary; but is your sole dependence upon him? Who 
recommended you to him?' I pulled out Mr Crab's letter, and 
told him the foundation of my hopes; at which he stared at 
me, and repeated, 'Christ!' I began to conceive bad omens 
from this behaviour of his, and begged he would assist me 
with his advice, which he promised to give me frankly; and, 
as a specimen, directed us to a periwig warehouse in the 
neighbourhood, in order to be accommodated; laying strong 
injunctions on me not to appear before Mr Cringer till I had 
parted with these carroty locks, which he said were 
sufficient to beget an antipathy against me in all mankind. 
And, as we were going to pursue this advice, he called me 
back, and bade me be sure to deliver my letter into Mr 
Cringer's own hand. As we walked along, Strap triumphed 
greatly in our reception with his friend, who, it seems, had 
assured him he would, in a day or two, provide for him with 
some good master; and 'Now,' says he, 'you shall see how I 
shall fit you with a wig. There's ne'er a barber in London, 
and that's a bold word, can palm a rotten caul or a 
pennyweight of dead hair upon me.' And, indeed, this zealous 
adherent did wrangle so long with the merchant that he was 
desired twenty times to leave the shop, and see if he could 
get one cheaper elsewhere. At length I made choice of a good 
handsome bob, for which I paid ten shillings, and returned 
to our lodging, where Strap in a moment rid me of that hair 
which had given the schoolmaster so much offence.
We got up next day betimes, having been informed that Mr 
Cringer gave audience by candlelight to all his dependants, 
he himself being obliged to attend the levee of my Lord 
Terrier at break of day; because his lordship made one at 
the minister's between eight and nine o'clock. When we came 
to Mr Cringer's door, Strap, to give me an instance of his 
politeness, ran to the knocker, which he employed so loud 
and so long that he alarmed the whole street; and a window 
opening in the second story of the next house, a chamber-pot 
was discharged upon him so successfully that the poor barber 
was wet to the skin, while I, being luckily at some 
distance, escaped the unsavoury deluge. In the meantime a 
footman opening the door, and seeing nobody in the street 
but us, asked with a stern countenance if it was I who made 
such a damned noise, and what I wanted? I told him I had 
business with his master, whom I desired to see. Upon which 
he clapped the door in my face, telling me I must learn 
better manners before I could have access to his master. 
Vexed at this disappointment, I turned my resentment against 
Strap, whom I sharply reprimanded for his presumption; but 
he, not in the least regarding what I said, wrung the urine 
out of his periwig, and, lifting up a large stone, flung it 
with such force against the street door of that house from 
whence he had been bedewed, that the lock giving way, it 
flew wide open, and he took to his heels, leaving me to 
follow him as I could. Indeed there was no time for 
deliberation; I therefore pursued him with all the speed I 
could exert, until we found ourselves about the dawn in a 
street we did not know. Here, as we wandered along gaping 
about, a very decent sort of man passing by me, stopped of a 
sudden, and took up something, which having examined, he 
turned and presented it to me with these words: 'Sir, you 
have dropped half a crown.' I was not a little surprised at 
this instance of honesty, and told him it did not belong to 
me; but he bade me recollect, and see if all my money was 
safe: upon which I pulled out my purse (for I had bought one 
since I came to town), and reckoning my money in my hand, 
which was now reduced to five guineas seven shillings and 
twopence, assured him I had lost nothing. 'Well, then,' says 
he, 'so much the better - this is a godsend; and, as you two 
were present when I picked it up, you are entitled to equal 
shares with me.' I was astonished at these words, and looked 
upon this person to be a prodigy of integrity, but 
absolutely refused to take any part of the sum. 'Come, 
gentlemen,' said he, 'you are too modest - I see you are 
strangers; but you shall give me leave to treat you with a 
whet this cold, raw morning.' I would have declined this 
invitation, but Strap whispered to me that the gentleman 
would be affronted, and I complied. 'Where shall we go?' 
said the stranger; 'I am quite ignorant of this part of the 
town.' I informed him that we were in the same situation: 
upon which he proposed to go into the first public-house we 
should find open; and, as we walked together, he began in 
this manner: 'I find by your tongues you are from Scotland, 
gentlemen. My grandmother by the father's side was of your 
country; and I am so prepossessed in its favour that I never 
meet a Scotchman but my heart warms. The Scots are a very 
brave people. There is scarce a great family in the kingdom 
that cannot boast of some exploits performed by its 
ancestors many hundred years ago. There's your Douglases, 
Gordons, Campbells, Hamiltons. We have no such ancient 
families here in England. Then you are all very well 
educated. I have known a pedlar talk in Greek and Hebrew, as 
well as if they had been his mother tongue. And, for 
honesty, I once had a servant, his name was Gregory 
Macgregor: I would have trusted him with untold gold.' - 
This eulogium on my native country gained my affection so 
strongly that I believe I could have gone to death to serve 
the author; and Strap's eyes swam in tears. At length, as we 
passed through a dark narrow lane, we perceived a public-
house, which we entered, and found a man sitting by the fire 
smoking a pipe, with a pint of purl before him. Our new 
acquaintance asked us if ever we had drank eggnip? To which 
question we answering in the negative, he assured us of a 
regale, and ordered a quart to be prepared, calling for 
pipes and tobacco at the same time. We found this 
composition very palatable, and drank heartily; the 
conversation (which was introduced by the gentleman) turning 
upon the snares that young inexperienced people are exposed 
to in this metropolis. He described a thousand cheats that 
are daily practised upon the ignorant and unwary; and warned 
us of them with so much good nature and concern, that we 
blessed the opportunity which threw us in his way. After we 
had put the can about for some time, our new friend began to 
yawn, telling us he had been up all night with a sick 
person; and proposed we should have recourse to some 
diversion to keep him awake. 'Suppose,' said he, 'we should 
take a hand at whist for pastime. But let me see, that won't 
do, there's only three of us; and I cannot play at any other 
game. The truth is, I seldom or never play, but out of 
complaisance, or at such a time as this, when I am in danger 
of falling asleep.' Although I was not much inclined to 
gaming, I felt no aversion to pass an hour or two at cards 
with a friend; and knowing that Strap understood as much of 
the matter as I, made no scruple of saying, 'I wish we could 
find a fourth hand.' While we were in this perplexity, the 
person whom we found in the house at our entrance 
overhearing our discourse, took the pipe from his mouth very 
gravely, and accosted us thus 'Gentlemen, my pipe is out, 
you see' (shaking the ashes into the fire), 'and rather than 
you should be baulked, I don't care if I take a hand with 
you for a trifle; but remember I won't play for anything of 
consequence.' We accepted this proffer with pleasure. Having 
cut for partners, it fell to my lot to play with him against 
our friend and Strap, for threepence a game. We were so 
successful, that, in a short time, I was half a crown 
gainer; when the gentleman whom we had met in the street 
observing he had no luck today, proposed to leave off, or 
change partners. By this time I was inflamed with my good 
fortune and the expectation of improving it, as I perceived 
the two strangers played but indifferently. Therefore, I 
voted for giving him his revenge; and, cutting again, Strap 
and I, to our mutual satisfaction, happened to be partners. 
My good fortune attended me still; and in less than an hour 
we had got thirty shillings of their money; for, as they 
lost, they grew the keener, and doubled stakes every time. 
At last, the inconstant goddess began to veer about; and we 
were very soon stripped of all our gains, and about forty 
shillings of our own money. This loss mortified me 
extremely, and had a visible effect on the muscles of 
Strap's face, which lengthened apace; but our antagonists 
perceiving our condition, kindly permitted us to retrieve 
our loss, and console ourselves with a new acquisition. Then 
my companion wisely suggested it was time to be gone; upon 
which the person who had joined us in the house began to 
curse the cards, and muttered that we were indebted to 
fortune only for what we had got, no part of our success 
being owing to our good play. This insinuation nettled me so 
much, that I challenged him to a game of piquet for a crown; 
and he was with difficulty persuaded to accept the 
invitation. This contest ended in less than an hour, to my 
inexpressible affliction, who lost every shilling of my own 
money, Strap absolutely refusing to supply me with a 
sixpence. The gentleman at whose request we had come in, 
perceiving, by my disconsolate looks, the situation of my 
heart, which well nigh bursted with grief and resentment, 
when the other stranger got up and went away with my money, 
began in this manner: 'I am truly afflicted at your bad 
luck, and would willingly repair it, was it in my power. But 
what in the name of goodness could provoke you to tempt your 
fate so long? It is always a maxim with gamesters to pursue 
success as far as it will go, and to stop whenever fortune 
shifts about. You are a young man, and your passions too 
impetuous; you must learn to govern them better. However, 
there is no experience like that which is bought; you will 
be the better for this the longest day you have to live. As 
for the fellow who has got your money, I don't half like 
him. Did you not observe me tip you the wink to leave off in 
time?' I answered, 'No.' 'No,' continued he, 'you was too 
eager to mind anything but the game. But harkee,' said he, 
in a whisper, 'are you satisfied of that young man's 
honesty? his looks are a little suspicious; but I may be 
mistaken; he made a great many grimaces while he stood 
behind you; this is a very wicked town.' I told him I was 
very well convinced of my comrade's integrity, and that the 
grimaces he mentioned were doubtless owing to his anxiety at 
my loss. 'Oho! if that be the case, I ask his pardon. 
Landlord, see what's to pay.' - the reckoning amounted to 
eighteenpence, which having discharged, the gentleman shook 
us both by the hand, and, saying he should be glad to see us 
again, departed.



Chapter 15

In our way to our lodging, after a profound silence on both 
sides, Strap, withith a hideous groan, observed, that we had 
brought our pigs to a fine market. To this observation I 
made no reply; and he went on, 'God send us well out of this 
place; we have not been in London eight and forty hours, and 
I believe we have met with eight and forty thousand 
misfortunes. - We have been jeered, reproached, buffeted, 
pissed upon, and at last stripped of our money; and I 
suppose by and by we shall be stripped of our skins. - 
Indeed, as to the money part of it, that was owing to our 
own folly; Solomon says, Bray a fool in a mortar, and he 
will never be wise. Ah! God help us, an ounce of prudence is 
worth a pound of gold.' This was no time for him to tamper 
with my disposition, already mad with my loss, and inflamed 
with resentment against him for having refused me a little 
money to attempt to retrieve it. I therefore turned towards 
him with a stern countenance, and asked, who he called fool? 
Being altogether unaccustomed to such looks from me, he 
stood still, and stared in my face for some time; then, with 
some confusion, uttered, 'Fool! I called nobody fool but 
myself; I am sure I am the greatest fool of the two, for 
being so much concerned at other people's misfortunes: but 
nemo omnibus horis sapit - that's all, that's all.' Upon 
which a silence ensued, that brought us to our lodging, 
where I threw myself upon the bed in an agony of despair, 
resolved to perish rather than apply to my companion, or any 
other body, for relief; but Strap, who knew my temper, and 
whose heart bled within him at my distress, after some pause 
came to the bedside, and, putting a leathern purse into my 
hand, burst into tears, crying, 'I know what you think; but 
I scorn your thoughts. There's all I have in the world; take 
it, and I'll perhaps get more for you before that be done. 
If not, I'll beg for you, steal for you, go through the wide 
world with you, and starve with you; for though I be a poor 
cobbler's son, I am no scout.' I was so touched with the 
generous passion of this poor creature, that I could not 
refrain from weeping also; and we mingled our tears together 
for some time. Upon examining the purse, I found in it two 
half-guineas and half a crown, which I would have returned 
to him, saying, he knew better than I how to manage it; but 
he absolutely refused my proposal, and told me, it was more 
reasonable and decent that he should depend upon me who was 
a gentleman, than that I should be controlled by him.
After this friendly contest was over, and our minds more at 
ease, we informed our landlord of what had happened to us, 
taking care to conceal the extremity to which we were 
reduced. He no sooner heard the story, than he assured us we 
had been grievously imposed upon by a couple of sharpers, 
who were associates; and that this polite, honest, friendly, 
humane person, who had treated us so civilly, was no other 
than a rascally money-dropper, who made it his business to 
decoy strangers in that manner to one of his own haunts, 
where an accomplice or two were always waiting to assist in 
pillaging the prey he had run down. Here the good man 
recounted a great many stories of people who had been 
seduced, cheated, pilfered, beat, nay even murdered by such 
villains. I was confounded at the artifice and wickedness of 
mankind; and Strap, lifting up his eyes and hands to heaven, 
prayed that God would deliver him from such scenes of 
iniquity; for surely the devil had set up his throne in 
London. Our landlord being curious to know what reception we 
had met with at Mr Cringer's, we acquainted him with the 
particulars; at which he shook his head, and told us, we had 
not gone the right way to work; that there was nothing to be 
done with a member of parliament without a bribe; that the 
servant was commonly infected with the master's disease, and 
expected to be paid for his work, as well as his betters. He 
therefore advised me to give the footman a shilling the next 
time I should desire admittance to my patron, or else I 
should scarce find an opportunity to deliver my letter. 
Accordingly, next morning, when the door was opened, I 
slipped a shilling into his hand, and told him I had a 
letter for his master. I found the good effects of my 
liberality; for the fellow let me in immediately, and taking 
the letter out of my hand, desired me to wait in a kind of 
passage for an answer. In this place I continued standing 
for three-quarters of an hour, during which time I saw a 
great many young fellows, whom I formerly knew in Scotland, 
pass and repass, with an air of familiarity, in their way to 
and from the audience chamber; while I was fain to stand 
shivering in the cold, and turn my back to them, that they 
might not perceive the lowness of my condition. At length Mr 
Cringer came out to see a young gentleman to the door, who 
was no other than Squire Gawky, dressed in a very gay suit 
of clothes. At parting, Mr Cringer shook him by the hand, 
and told him he hoped to have the pleasure of his company at 
dinner; then turning about towards me, asked what were my 
commands? When he understood I was the person who had 
brought the letter from Mr Crab, he affected to recollect my 
name, which, however, he pretended he could not do, till he 
had consulted the letter again; to save him that trouble, I 
told him my name was Random. Upon which he went on, 'Ay, ay, 
Random, Random, Random - I think I remember the name'; and 
very well he might, for this very individual, Mr Cringer, 
had many a time rode before my grandfather's cloak-bag in 
quality of a footman. 'Well,' says he, 'you propose to go on 
board a man of war, as surgeon's mate.' I replied by a low 
bow. 'I believe it will be a difficult matter,' continued 
he, 'to procure a warrant, there being already such a swarm 
of Scotch surgeons at the Navy Office, in expectation of the 
next vacancy, that the commissioners are afraid of being 
torn to pieces, and have actually applied for a guard to 
protect them. However, some ships will soon be put in 
commission, and then we shall see what's to be done.' So 
saying, he left me exceedingly mortified at the different 
reception Mr Gawky and I had met with from this upstart, 
proud, mean member, who, I imagined, would have been glad of 
an opportunity to be grateful for the obligations he owed to 
my family.
At my return, I was surprised with the agreeable news of 
Strap's being employed, on the recommendation of his friend 
the schoolmaster, by a periwig maker in the neighbourhood, 
who allowed him five shillings per week, besides bed and 
board. I continued to dance attendance every other morning 
at the levee of Mr Cringer, during a fortnight, in which 
time I became acquainted with a young fellow of my own 
country and profession, who also depended on the member's 
interest; but was treated with much more respect than I, 
both by the servants and master, and often admitted into a 
parlour, where there was a fire, for the convenience of the 
better sort of those who waited for him. Thither I was never 
permitted to penetrate, on account of my appearance, which 
was not at all fashionable: but was obliged to stand blowing 
my fingers in a cold lobby, and take the first opportunity 
of Mr Cringer's going to the door to speak with him. One 
day, while I enjoyed this occasion, a person was introduced, 
whom Mr Cringer no sooner saw, than, running towards him, he 
saluted him with a bow to the very ground, and afterwards 
shaking him by the hand with great heartiness and 
familiarity, called him his good friend, and asked very 
kindly after Mrs Staytape and the young ladies; then, after 
a whisper which continued some minutes, wherein I overheard 
the word honour repeated several times with great emphasis, 
Mr Cringer introduced me to this gentleman, as to a person 
whose advice and assistance I might depend upon, and having 
given me his direction, followed me to the door, where he 
told me, I need not give myself the trouble to call at his 
house any more, for Mr Staytape would do my business. At 
that instant my fellow-dependant coming out after me, 
overheard the discourse of Mr Cringer, and making up to me 
in the street, accosted me very civilly. This address I 
looked upon as no small honour, considering the figure he 
made; for he was dressed in a blue frock with a gold button, 
a green silk waistcoat trimmed with gold, black velvet 
breeches, white silk stockings, silver buckles, a gold-laced 
hat, a Spencer wig, and a silver-hilted hanger, with a fine 
clouded cane in his hand. 'I perceive,' says he, 'you are 
but lately come from Scotland; pray what may your business 
with Mr Cringer be? I suppose it is no secret - and I may 
possibly give you some advice that may be serviceable; for I 
have been surgeon's second mate on board of a seventy-gun 
ship, and consequently know a good deal of the world.' I 
made no scruple to disclose my situation, which when he had 
learned, he shook his head, and told me he had been pretty 
much in the same circumstances about a year ago; that he had 
relied on Cringer's promises, until his money (which was 
considerable), as well as his credit, was quite exhausted; 
and when he wrote to his relations for a fresh supply, 
instead of money, he received nothing but reproaches, and 
the epithets of 'idle,' 'debauched fellow': that, after he 
had waited at the Navy Office many months for a warrant, to 
no purpose, he was fain to pawn some of his clothes, which 
raised a small sum, wherewith he bribed the secretary, who 
soon procured a warrant for him, notwithstanding he had 
affirmed the same day, that there was not one vacancy: that 
he had gone on board, where he remained nine months; at the 
end of which the ship was put out of commission; and he said 
the company were to be paid off in Broad Street the very 
next day: that his relations, being reconciled to him, had 
charged him to pay his devoirs regularly to Mr Cringer, who 
had informed them by letter that his interest alone had 
procured the warrant; in obedience to which command, he came 
to his levee every morning as I saw, though he looked upon 
him to be a very pitiful scoundrel. In conclusion, he asked 
me if I had yet passed at Surgeons' Hall? To which question 
I answered, I did not so much as know it was necessary. 
'Necessary!' cried he. 'O Lord, O Lord! I find I must 
instruct you - come along with me, and I'll give you some 
information about that matter.' So saying, he carried me 
into an alehouse, where he called for some beer, and bread 
and cheese, on which we breakfasted. While we sat in this 
place, he told me I must first go to the Navy Office, and 
write to the board, desiring them to order a letter for me 
to the Surgeons' Hall, that I might be examined touching my 
skill in surgery: that the surgeons, after having examined 
me, would give me my qualification sealed up in form of a 
letter directed to the commissioners, which qualification I 
must deliver to the secretary of the board, who would open 
it in my presence, and read the contents. After which I must 
employ my interest to be provided for as soon as possible. 
That the expense of this qualification, for second mate of a 
third rate, amounted to thirteen shillings, exclusive of the 
warrant, which cost him half a guinea and half a crown, 
besides the present to the secretary, which consisted of a 
three-pound-twelve piece. This calculation was like a 
thunderbolt to me, whose whole fortune did not amount to 
twelve shillings. I accordingly made him acquainted with 
this part of my distress, after having thanked him for his 
information and advice. He condoled me on this occasion; but 
bade me be of good cheer, for he had conceived a friendship 
for me, and would make all things easy. He was run out at 
present, but tomorrow or next day he was certain of 
receiving a considerable sum, of which he would lend me what 
would be sufficient to answer my exigencies. This frank 
declaration pleased me so much, that I pulled out my purse, 
and emptied it before him, begging him to take what he 
pleased for pocket expenses, until he should receive his own 
money. With a good deal of pressing he was prevailed upon to 
take five shillings, telling me that he might have what 
money he wanted at any time for the trouble of going into 
the city; but as he had met with me, he would defer his 
going thither till tomorrow, when I should go along with 
him, and he would put me in a way of acting for myself, 
without any servile dependence on that rascal Cringer, much 
less on the lousy tailor to whom he heard him turn me over. 
'How,' cried I; 'is Mr Staytape a tailor?' 'No less, I'll 
assure you,' answered he; 'and I confess, more likely to 
serve you than the member; for, provided you can entertain 
him with politics and conundrums, you may have credit with 
him for as many and as rich clothes as you please.' I told 
him, I was utterly ignorant of both, and so incensed at 
Cringer's usage, that I would never set foot within his door 
again. After a good deal more conversation, my new 
acquaintance and I parted, having made an appointment to 
meet the next day at the same place, in order to set out for 
the city. I went immediately to Strap, and related 
everything which had happened; but he did not at all approve 
of my being so forward to lend money to a stranger, 
especially as we had already been so much imposed upon by 
appearances. 'However,' said he, 'if you are sure he is a 
Scotchman, I believe you are safe.'



Chapter 16

In the morning I rose and went to the place of rendezvous, 
where I waited two hours in vain; and was so exasperated 
against him for breaking his appointment, that I set out for 
the city by myself, in hopes of finding the villain, and 
being revenged on him for his breach of promise. At length I 
found myself at the Navy Office, which I entered, and saw 
crowds of young fellows walking below, many of whom made no 
better appearance than myself. I consulted the physiognomy 
of each, and at last made up to one whose countenance I 
liked; and asked if he could instruct me in the form of the 
letter which was to be sent to the board, to obtain an order 
for examination. He answered me in broad Scotch, that he 
would show me the copy of what he had writ for himself, by 
the direction of another who knew the form; and accordingly 
pulled it out of his pocket for my perusal; and told me 
that, if I was expeditious, I might send it in to the board 
before dinner, for they did no business in the afternoon. He 
then went with me to a coffee-house hard by, where I wrote 
the letter, which was immediately delivered to the 
messenger; who told me I might expect an order tomorrow 
about the same time. Having transacted this piece of 
business, my mind was a good deal composed; and as I met 
with so much civility from this stranger, I desired further 
acquaintance with him, fully resolved, however, not to be 
deceived by him so much to my prejudice as I had been by the 
beau. He agreed to dine with me at the cook's shop which I 
frequented; and on our way thither, carried me to Change, 
where I was in some hopes of finding Mr Jackson (for that 
was the name of the person who had broke his appointment). I 
sought him there to no purpose, and on our way towards the 
other end of the town, imparted to my companion his 
behaviour towards me. Upon which, he gave me to understand, 
that he was no stranger to the name of Beau Jackson (so he 
was called at the Navy Office), although he did not know him 
personally; that he had the character of a good-natured 
careless fellow, who made no scruple of borrowing from 
anybody that would lend; that most people who knew him 
believed he had a good principle at bottom; but his 
extravagance was such, he would probably never have it in 
his power to manifest the honesty of his intention. This 
account made me sweat for my five shillings, which I 
nevertheless did not altogether despair of recovering, 
provided I could find out the debtor. This young man 
likewise added another circumstance of Squire Jackson's 
history, which was, that being destitute of all means to 
equip himself for sea, when he received his last warrant, he 
had been recommended to a person who lent him a little 
money, after he had signed a will and power, entitling that 
person to lift his wages when they should become due, as 
also to inherit his effects in case of his death. That he 
was still under the tutorage and direction of that 
gentleman, who advanced him small sums from time to time 
upon his security at the rate of fifty per cent. But at 
present his credit was very low, because his funds would do 
little more than pay what he had already received, this 
moderate interest included. After the stranger (whose name 
was Thomson) had entertained me with this account of 
Jackson, he informed me that he himself had passed for third 
mate of a third rate, about four months ago; since which 
time, he had constantly attended at the Navy Office in hope 
of a warrant, having been assured from the beginning, both 
by a Scotch member and one of the commissioners to whom the 
member recommended him, that he should be put into the first 
vacancy; notwithstanding which promise, he had the 
mortification to see six or seven appointed to the same 
station almost every week: that now, being utterly 
impoverished, his sole hope consisted in the promise of a 
friend lately come to town, to lend him a small matter, for 
a present to the secretary, without which he was persuaded 
he might wait a thousand years to no purpose. I conceived a 
mighty liking for this young fellow, which (I believe) 
proceeded from the similitude of our fortunes. We spent the 
whole day together; and, as he lived at Wapping, I desired 
him to take a share of my bed. Next day we returned to the 
Navy Office, where, after being called before the board, and 
questioned about the place of my nativity and education, 
they ordered a letter to be made out for me, which, upon 
paying half a crown to the clerk, I received, and delivered 
into the hands of the clerk at Surgeons' Hall, together with 
a shilling for his trouble in registering my name. By this 
time my whole stock was diminished to two shillings, and I 
saw not the least prospect of relief, even for present 
subsistence, much less to enable me to pay the fees at 
Surgeons' Hall for my examination, which would come on in a 
fortnight. In this state of perplexity, I consulted Strap, 
who assured me, he would pawn everything he had in the 
world, even to his razors, before I should want. But this 
expedient I absolutely rejected, telling him, I would a 
thousand times rather list for a soldier, of which I had 
some thoughts, than be any longer a burden to him. At the 
word soldier, he grew pale as death, and begged, on his 
knees, I would think no more of that scheme. 'God preserve 
us all in our right wits!' cried he; 'would you turn 
soldier, and perhaps be sent abroad against the Spaniards, 
where you must stand and be shot at like a woodcock? - 
Heaven keep cold lead out of my carcass! and let me die in a 
bed like a Christian, as all my forefathers have done. What 
signifies all the riches and honours of this life, if one 
enjoys not content? And, in the next, there is no respect of 
persons. Better be a poor honest barber with a good 
conscience, and time to repent of my sins upon my death-bed, 
than be cut off (God bless us) by a musket-shot, as it were 
in the very flower of one's age, in the pursuit of riches 
and fame. What signify riches, my dear friend? do not they 
make unto themselves wings? as the wise man saith; and does 
not Horace observe, Non domus et fundus, non aeris acervus 
et auri Aegroto domini deduxit corpore febres, Non animo 
curas? I could moreover mention many other sayings in 
contempt of riches, both from the Bible and other good 
books; but, as I know you are not very fond of those things, 
I shall only assure you that, if you take on to be a 
soldier, I will do the same; and then if we should both be 
slain, you will not only have your own blood to answer for, 
but mine also; and peradventure the lives of all those whom 
we shall kill in battle. Therefore, I pray you, consider 
whether you will sit down contented with small things, and 
share the fruits of my industry in peace, till Providence 
shall send better tidings; or, by your despair, plunge both 
our souls and bodies into everlasting perdition, which God 
of his infinite mercy forbid.' I could not help smiling at 
this harangue, which was delivered with great earnestness, 
the tears standing in his eyes all the time; and promised to 
do nothing of that sort without his consent and concurrence. 
He was much comforted with this declaration; and told me in 
a few days he should receive a week's wages, which should be 
at my service; but advised me, in the meantime, to go in 
quest of Jackson, and recover, if possible, what he had 
borrowed of me. I accordingly trudged about from one end of 
the town to the other for several days, without being able 
to learn anything certain concerning him: and, one day, 
being extremely hungry, and allured by the steams that 
regaled my nostrils from a boiling cellar, I went down with 
an intention to gratify my appetite with two-pennyworth of 
beef; when, to my no small surprise, I found Mr Jackson 
sitting at dinner with a footman. He no sooner perceived me 
than he got up and shook me by the hand, saying, he was glad 
to see me, for he intended to have called at my lodgings in 
the afternoon. I was so well pleased with this rencontre, 
and the apologies he made for not keeping his appointment, 
that I forgot my resentment, and sat down to dinner, with 
the happy expectation of not only recovering my own money 
before we should part, but also of reaping the benefit of 
his promise to lend me wherewithal to pass examination; and 
this hope my sanguine complexion suggested, though the 
account Thomson gave me of him ought to have moderated my 
expectation. When we had feasted sumptuously, he took his 
leave of the footman, and adjourned with me to an alehouse 
hard by, where, after shaking me by the hand again, he began 
thus: 'I suppose you think me a sad dog, Mr Random, and I do 
confess that appearances are against me. But I dare say you 
will forgive me, when I tell you, my not coming at the time 
appointed was owing to a peremptory message I received from 
a certain lady, whom, harkee (but this is a great secret), I 
am to marry very soon. You think this strange, perhaps, but 
it is not less true for all that - a five thousand pounder, 
I'll assure you, besides expectations. For my own part, 
devil take me if I know what any woman can see engaging 
about me - but a whim, you know; and then one would not 
baulk one's good fortune. You saw that footman who dined 
with us - he's one of the honestest fellows that ever wore a 
livery. You must know, it was by his means I was introduced 
to her, for he made me first acquainted with her woman, who 
is his mistress; ay, many a crown has he and his sweetheart 
had of my money; but what of that? things are now brought to 
a bearing. I have - come a little this way - I have proposed 
marriage, and the day is fixed; she's a charming creature; 
writes like an angel. O Lord! she can repeat all the English 
tragedies as well as e'er a player in Drury Lane! and indeed 
is so fond of plays, that, to be near the stage, she has 
taken lodgings in a court hard by the theatre. But you shall 
see - you shall see - here's the last letter she sent me.' - 
With these words, he put it into my hand, and I read, to the 
best of my remembrance, as follows:

"DEER KREETER - As you are the animable hopjack of my 
contemplayshins, your aydear is infernally skimming before 
my keymerycal fansee, when Murfy sends his puppies to the 
heys of slipping mortals; and when Febus shines from his 
merry-dying throne. Whereupon, I shall canseeif old whorie 
time has lost his pinners, as also Cupid his harrows, until 
thou enjoy sweet propose in the loafseek harms of thy 
faithfool to commend.

"CLAYRENDER.
"Wingar Yeard, Doory Lane,
"January 12th"

While I was reading, he seemed to be in an ecstasy, rubbing 
his hands, and bursting out into fits of laughter; at last 
he caught hold of my hand, and, squeezing it, cried, 'There 
is style for you! what do you think of this billet-doux?' I 
answered, 'It might be sublime for aught I knew, for it was 
altogether above my comprehension.' - 'Oho!' said he, 'I 
believe it is both tender and sublime - she's a divine 
creature! and so doats upon me! Let me see, what shall I do 
with this money, when I have once got it into my hands? In 
the first place, I shall do for you - I'm a man of few 
words; but, say no more, that's determined - whether would 
you advise me to purchase some post, by which I may rise in 
the state; or lay out my wife's fortune in land, and retire 
to the country at once?' - I gave my opinion without 
hesitation, that he could not do better than buy an estate 
and improve; especially since he had already seen so much of 
the world. Then I launched out into the praises of a country 
life, as described by the poets whose works I had read. He 
seemed to relish my advice, but withal told me, that, 
although he had seen a great deal of the world, both by land 
and sea, having cruised three whole months in the Channel, 
yet he should not be satisfied until he had visited France, 
which he proposed to do before he should settle; and to 
carry his wife along with him. I had nothing to object to 
his proposal; and asked how soon he hoped to be happy? 'As 
to that,' he replied, 'nothing obstructs my happiness, but 
the want of a little ready cash; for you must know, my 
friend in the city has gone out of town for a week or two; 
and I unfortunately missed my pay at Broad Street, by being 
detained too long by the dear charmer; but, there will be a 
recall at Chatham next week, whither the ship's books are 
sent, and I have commissioned a friend in that place to 
receive the money.' 'If that be all,' said I, 'there's no 
great harm in deferring your marriage a few days.' - 'Yes, 
faith! but there is,' said he, 'you don't know how many 
rivals I have, who would take all advantages against me. I 
would not baulk the impatience of her passion for the world; 
the least appearance of coldness and indifference would ruin 
all: and such offers don't occur every day.' I acquiesced in 
this observation, and inquired how he intended to proceed: 
at this question, he rubbed his chin, and said, 'Why, truly, 
I must be obliged to some friend or other - do you know of 
nobody that would lend me a small sum for a day or two?' - I 
assured him, I was such an utter stranger in London, that I 
did not believe I could borrow a guinea if my life depended 
upon it. 'No!' said he, 'that's hard - that's hard. I wish I 
had anything to pawn; upon my soul you have got excellent 
linen' (feeling the sleeve of my shirt); 'how many shirts of 
that kind have you got?' - I answered, 'Six ruffled and six 
plain'; - at which he testified great surprise, and swore 
that no gentleman ought to have more than four. 'How many 
d'ye think I have got?' continued he. 'But this and another, 
as I hope to be saved! I dare say we shall be able to raise 
a good sum out of your superfiuity - let me see - let me see 
- each of these shirts is worth sixteen shillings at a 
moderate computation; now suppose we pawn them for half-
price, eight times eight is sixty-four, that's three pounds 
four; zounds! that will do; give me your hand.' - 'Softly, 
softly, Mr Jackson,' said I, 'don't dispose of my linen 
without my consent; first pay me the crown you owe me, and 
then we shall talk of other matters.' He protested he had 
not above one shilling in his pocket, but that he would pay 
me out of the first of my money raised from the shirts. This 
piece of assurance incensed me so much, that I swore that I 
would not part with him until I had received satisfaction 
for what I had lent him; and, as for the shirts, I would not 
pawn one of them to save him from the gallows. At this 
expression he laughed aloud, and then complained that it was 
damn'd hard, that I should refuse him a trifle that would 
infallibly enable him not only to make his own fortune, but 
mine also. 'You talk of pawning my shirts,' said I, 'suppose 
you should sell this hanger, Mr Jackson? I believe it would 
fetch a good round sum.' - 'No, hang it,' said he, 'I can't 
appear decently without my hanger, or egad it should go.' 
However, seeing me inflexible with regard to my linen, he at 
length unbuckled his hanger, and, showing me the sign of the 
three blue balls, desired me to carry it thither and pawn it 
for two guineas. This office I would by no means have 
performed, had I seen any likelihood of having my money 
otherwise; but not willing, out of a piece of false 
delicacy, to neglect the only opportunity I should perhaps 
ever have, I ventured into a pawnbroker's shop, where I 
demanded two guineas on the pledge, in the name of Thomas 
Williams. 'Two guineas!' said the pawnbroker, looking at the 
hanger; 'this piece of goods has been here several times 
before for thirty shillings; however, since I believe the 
gentleman to whom it belongs will redeem it, he shall have 
what he wants'; and accordingly, he paid me the money, which 
I carried to the house where I had left Jackson, and, 
calling for change, counted out to him seven and thirty 
shillings, reserving the other five for myself. After 
looking at the money some time, he said, 'Damn it! it don't 
signify - this won't do my business; so you may as well take 
half a guinea, or a whole one, as the five shillings you 
have kept.' I thanked him kindly; but I refused to accept of 
any more than was my due, because I had no prospect of 
repaying it. Upon which declaration he stared in my face, 
and told me I was excessively raw, or I would not talk in 
that manner. 'Blood!' cried he, 'I have a very bad opinion 
of a young fellow who won't borrow of his friend when he is 
in want; 'tis the sign of a sneaking spirit. Come, come, 
Random, give me back the five shillings, and take this half-
guinea, and if ever you are able to pay me, I believe you 
will; if not, damn me if ever I ask it.' When I reflected on 
my present necessity, I suffered myself to be persuaded; 
and, after making my acknowledgments to Mr Jackson, who 
offered to treat me with a play, I returned to my lodgings 
with a much better opinion of this gentleman than I had in 
the morning; and at night imparted my day's adventures to 
Strap, who rejoiced at the good luck, saying, 'I told you, 
if he was a Scotchman, you was safe enough; and who knows 
but this marriage may make us all? You have heard, I 
suppose, as how a countryman of ours, a journeyman baker, 
ran away with a great lady of this town, and now keeps his 
coach. Ecod! I say nothing; but yesterday morning, as I was 
a-shaving a gentleman at his own house, there was a young 
lady in the room - a fine buxom wench, i'faith! and she 
threw so many sheep's eyes at a certain person whom I shall 
not name, that my heart went knock, knock, knock, like a 
fulling mill, and my hand sh-sh-shook so much that I sliced 
a piece of skin off the gentleman's nose. Whereby he swore a 
deadly oath, and was going to horsewhip me, when she 
prevented him, and made my peace. Omen haud malum! Is not a 
journeyman barber as good as a journeyman baker? The only 
difference is, the baker uses fiour for the belly, and the 
barber uses it for the head. And as the head is a more noble 
member than the belly, so is a barber more noble than a 
baker; for what's the belly without the head? Besides, I am 
told he could neither read nor write; now you know I can do 
both, and, moreover, speak Latin. But I will say no more, 
for I despise vanity; nothing is more vain than vanity.' 
With these words he pulled out of his pocket a wax candle's 
end, which he applied to his forehead; and, upon 
examination, I found he had combed his own hair over the 
toupee of his wig, and was indeed in his whole dress become 
a very smart shaver. I congratulated him on his prospect 
with a satirical smile, which he understood very well, and 
shaking his head, observed I had very little faith, but the 
truth would come to light in spite of my incredulity.


Chapter 17

With the assistance of this faithful adherent, who gave me 
almost all the money he earned, I preserved my half-guinea 
entire till the day of examination, when I went with a quaking 
heart to Surgeons' Hall, in order to undergo that ceremony. 
Among a crowd of young fellows who walked in the outward 
hall, I perceived Mr Jackson, to whom I immediately went up, 
and inquiring into the state of his amour, understood it was still 
undetermined by reason of his friend's absence, and the delay 
of the recall at Chatham, which put it out of his power to bring 
it to a conclusion. I then asked what his business was in this 
place? He replied, he was resolved to have two strings to his 
bow, that in case the one failed he might use the other; and, 
with this view, he was to pass that night for a higher 
qualification At that instant a young fellow came out from the 
place of examination with a pale countenance, his lip 
quivering, and his looks as wild as if he had seen a ghost. He 
no sooner appeared, than we all flocked about him with the 
utmost eagerness to know what reception he had met with; 
which, after some pause, he described, recounting all the 
questions they had asked, with the answers he made. In this 
manner we obliged no less than twelve to recapitulate, which, 
now the danger was past, they did with pleasure, before it fell 
to my lot: at length the beadle called my name, with a voice 
that made me tremble as much as if it had been the sound of 
the last trumpet: however, there was no remedy: I was 
conducted into a large hall, where I saw about a dozen of grim 
faces sitting at a long table; one of whom bade me come 
forward, in such an imperious tone that I was actually for a 
minute or two bereft of my senses. The first question he put to 
me was, 'Where was you born?' To which I answered, 'In 
Scotland.' - 'In Scotland,' said he; 'I know that very well; we 
have scarce any other countrymen to examine here; you 
Scotchmen have overspread us of late as the locusts did Egypt: 
I ask you in what part of Scotland was you born?' I named the 
place of my nativity, which he had never before heard of: he 
then proceeded to interrogate me about my age, the town 
where I served my time, with the term of my apprenticeship; 
and when I informed him that I served three years only, he fell 
into a violent passion; swore it was a shame and a scandal to 
send such raw boys into the world as surgeons; that it was a 
great presumption in me, and an affront upon the English, to 
pretend to sufficient skill in my business, having served so 
short a time, when every apprentice in England was bound 
seven years at least; that my friends would have done better if 
they had made me a weaver or shoemaker, but their pride 
would have me a gentleman, he supposed, at any rate, and their 
poverty could not afford the necessary education. This 
exordium did not at all contribute to the recovery of my spirits, 
but, on the contrary, reduced me to such a situation that I was 
scarce able to stand; which being perceived by a plump 
gentleman who sat opposite to me, with a skull before him, he 
said, Mr Snarler was too severe upon the young man; and 
turning towards me, told me, I need not be afraid, for nobody 
would do me any harm; then bidding me take time to recollect 
myself, he examined me touching the operation of the trepan, 
and was very well satisfied with my answers. The next person 
who questioned me was a wag, who began by asking if I had 
ever seen amputation performed; and I replying in the 
affirmative, he shook his head, and said, 'What! upon a dead 
subject, I suppose? If,' continued he, 'during an engagement at 
sea, a man should be brought to you with his head shot off, 
how would you behave?' After some hesitation, I owned such a 
case had never come under my observation, neither did I 
remember to have seen any method of cure proposed for such 
an accident, in any of the systems of surgery I had perused. 
Whether it was owing to the simplicity of my answer, or the 
archness of the question, I know not, but every member at the 
board deigned to smile, except Mr Snarler, who seemed to 
have very little of the animal risible in his constitution. The 
facetious member, encouraged by the success of his last joke, 
went on thus: 'Suppose you was called to a patient of a 
plethoric habit, who had been bruised by a fall, what would 
you do?' I answered, I would bleed him immediately. 'What,' 
said he, 'before you had tied up his arm?' But this stroke of wit 
not answering his expectation, he desired me to advance to the 
gentleman who sat next to him; and who, with a pert air, asked 
what method of cure I would follow in wounds of the 
intestines. I repeated the method of cure as it is prescribed by 
the best chirurgical writers; which he heard to an end, and then 
said, with a supercilious smile, 'So you think by such treatment 
the patient might recover?' - I told him I saw nothing to make 
me think otherwise. 'That may be,' resumed he, 'I won't answer 
for your foresight; but did you ever know of a case of this kind 
succeed?' I answered I did not; and was about to tell him I had 
never seen a wounded intestine; but he stopped me, by saying, 
with some precipitation, 'Nor never will. I affirm, that all 
wounds of the intestines, whether great or small, are mortal.' - 
'Pardon me, brother,' says the fat gentleman, 'there is very good 
authority ' - here he was interrupted by the other, with 'Sir, 
excuse me, I despise all authority. Nullius in verba. I stand 
upon my own bottom.' - 'But, sir, sir,' replied his antagonist, 
'the reason of the thing shows ' - 'A fig for reason,' cried this 
sufficient member, 'I laugh at reason, give me ocular 
demonstration.' The corpulent gentleman began to wax warm, 
and observed that no man acquainted with the anatomy of the 
parts would advance such an extravagant assertion. This 
innuendo enraged the other so much that he started up, and in a 
furious tone exclaimed, 'What, sir! do you question my 
knowledge in anatomy?' By this time, all the examiners had 
espoused the opinion of one or other of the disputants, and 
raised their voices all together, when the chairman commanded 
silence, and ordered me to withdraw. In less than a quarter of 
an hour I was called in again, received my qualification sealed 
up, and was ordered to pay five shillings. I laid down my half-
guinea upon the table, and stood some time, until one of them 
bade me begone; to this I replied, I will, when I have got my 
change; upon which another threw me five shillings and 
sixpence, saying, I should not be a true Scotchman if I went 
away without my change. I was afterwards obliged to give 
three shillings and sixpence to the beadles, and a shilling to an 
old woman who swept the hall. This disbursement sunk my 
finances to thirteenpence halfpenny, with which I was sneaking 
off, when Jackson perceiving it came up to me and begged I 
would tarry for him, and he would accompany me to the other 
end of the town, as soon as his examination should be over. I 
could not refuse this to a person that was so much my friend; 
but I was astonished at the change of his dress, which was 
varied in half an hour from what I have already described, to a 
very grotesque fashion. His head was covered with an old 
smoked tie-wig that did not boast one crooked hair, and a 
slouched hat over it, which would have very well have become 
a chimney-sweeper or a dustman; his neck was adorned with a 
black crape, the ends of which he had twisted, and fixed in the 
buttonhole of a shabby great-coat that wrapped up his whole 
body; his white silk stockings were converted into black 
worsted hose; and his countenance was rendered venerable by 
wrinkles, and a beard of his own painting. When I expressed 
my surprise at this metamorphosis, he laughed, and told me, it 
was done by the advice and assistance of a friend who lived 
over the way, and would certainly produce something very 
much to his advantage; for it gave him the appearance of age, 
which never fails of attracting respect. I applauded his 
sagacity, and waited with impatience for the effects of it. At 
length he was called in, but whether the oddness of his 
appearance excited a curiosity more than usual in the board, or 
his behaviour was not suitable to his figure, I know not; he was 
discovered to be an impostor, and put into the hands of the 
beadle, in order to be sent to Bridewell. So that instead of 
seeing him come out with a cheerful countenance and a 
surgeon's qualification in his hand, I perceived him led through 
the outward hall as a prisoner, and was very much alarmed and 
anxious to know the occasion; when he called with a 
lamentable voice and piteous aspect to me, and some others 
who knew him, 'For God's sake, gentlemen, bear witness that I 
am the same individual John Jackson, who served as surgeon's 
second mate on board the Elizabeth, or else I shall go to 
Bridewell.' It would have been impossible for the most austere 
hermit that ever lived to have refrained from laughing at his 
appearance and address; we therefore indulged ourselves a 
good while at his expense, and afterwards pleaded his cause so 
effectually with the beadle, who was gratified with half a 
crown, that the prisoner was dismissed, and, in a few moments, 
resumed his former gaiety; swearing, since the board had 
refused his money, he would spend it every shilling before he 
went to bed in treating his friends; at the same time inviting us 
all to favour him with our company. It was now ten o'clock at 
night, and as I had a great way to walk, through streets that 
were utterly unknown to me, I was prevailed upon to be of 
their party, in hopes he would afterwards accompany me to my 
lodgings, according to his promise. He conducted us to his 
friend's house, who kept a tavern over the way, where we 
continued drinking punch, until the liquor mounted up to our 
heads, and made us all extremely frolicsome: I in particular 
was so much elevated, that nothing would serve me but a 
wench, at which demand Jackson expressed much joy, and 
assured me I should have my desire before we parted. 
Accordingly, when we had paid the reckoning, we sallied out, 
roaring and singing; and were conducted by our leader to a 
place of nocturnal entertainment, where I immediately attached 
myself to a fair one, with whom I proposed to spend the 
remaining part of the night; but she not relishing my 
appearance, refused to grant my request before I should have 
made her an acknowledgment; which not suiting with my 
circumstances, we broke off our correspondence, to my no 
small mortification and resentment, because I thought the 
mercenary creature had not done justice to my merit. In the 
meantime, Mr Jackson's dress had attracted the inclinations and 
assiduities of two or three nymphs, who loaded him with 
caresses, in return for the arrack punch with which he treated 
them; till at length, notwithstanding the sprightly sallies of 
those charmers, sleep began to exert his power over us all; and 
our conductor called, 'To pay.' When the bill was brought, 
which amounted to twelve shillings, he put his hand in his 
pocket, but might have saved himself the trouble, for his purse 
was gone. This accident disconcerted him a great deal at first; 
but, after some recollection, he seized the two dulcineas who 
sat by him, one in each hand, and swore, if they did not 
immediately restore his money, he would charge a constable 
with them. The good lady at the bar, seeing what passed, 
whispered something to the drawer, who went out; and then, 
with great composure, asked what was the matter. Jackson told 
her he was robbed, and swore, if she refused him satisfaction, 
he would have her and her whores committed to Bridewell. 
'Robbed,' cried she, 'robbed in my house! Gentlemen and 
ladies, I take you all to witness, this person has scandalized my 
reputation.' At that instant seeing the constable and watch 
enter, she proceeded, 'What! you must not only endeavour by 
your false aspersions to ruin my character, but even commit an 
assault upon my family! Mr Constable, I charge you with this 
uncivil person, who has been guilty of a riot here; I shall take 
care and bring an action against him for defamation.' While I 
was reflecting on this melancholy event, which had made me 
quite sober, the lady whose favours I had solicited, being 
piqued at some repartee that passed between us, cried, 'They 
are all concerned'; and desired the constable to take us all into 
custody; an arrest which was performed instantly, to the utter 
astonishment and despair of us all, except Jackson, who having 
been often in such scrapes, was very little concerned, and 
charged the constable in his turn with the landlady and her 
whole bevy: upon which we were carried all together prisoners 
to the Roundhouse; where Jackson, after a word of comfort to 
us, informed the constable of his being robbed, to which he 
said he would swear next morning before the justice. 'Ay, ay,' 
says the bawd, 'we shall see whose oath will most signify.' In a 
little time the constable calling Jackson into another room, 
spoke to him thus: 'I perceive that you and your company are 
strangers, and am very sorry for your being involved in such an 
ugly business. I have known this woman a great while; she has 
kept a notorious house in the neighbourhood this many years, 
and, although often complained of as a nuisance, still escapes, 
through her interest with the justices, to whom she, and all of 
her employment, pay contribution quarterly for protection. As 
she charged me with you first, her complaint will have the 
preference; and she can procure evidence to swear whatever 
she shall please to desire of them. So that unless you can make 
it up before morning, you and your companions may think 
yourselves happily quit for a month's hard labour in Bridewell. 
Nay if she should swear a robbery or assault against you, you 
will be committed to Newgate, and tried next sessions at the 
Old Bailey for your life.' This last piece of information had 
such an effect upon Jackson, that he agreed to make it up, 
provided his money might be restored. The constable told him, 
that, instead of retrieving what he had lost, he was pretty 
certain it would cost him some more before they would come 
to any composition. But, however, he had compassion on him, 
and would, if he pleased, sound them about a mutual release. 
The unfortunate beau thanked him for his friendship, and 
returning to us, acquainted us with the substance of this 
dialogue; while the constable, desiring to speak in private with 
our adversary, carried her into the next room, and pleaded our 
cause so effectually, that she condescended to make him 
umpire; he accordingly proposed an arbitration, to which we 
gave our assent; and he fined each party in three shillings, to be 
laid out in a bowl of punch, wherein we drowned all 
animosities, to the inexpressible joy of my two late 
acquaintances and me, who had been in the state of the damned 
ever since Jackson mentioned Bridewell and Newgate. By the 
time we had finished our bowl, to which, by the by, I had 
contributed my last shilling, it was morning; and I proposed to 
move homeward, when the constable gave me to understand he 
could discharge no prisoners, but by order of the justice, before 
whom we must appear. This renewed my chagrin; and I cursed 
the hour in which I had yielded to Jackson's invitation. About 
nine o'clock we were escorted to the house of a certain justice, 
not many miles distant from Covent Garden; who no sooner 
saw the constable enter with a train of prisoners at his heels, 
than he saluted him as follows: 'So, Mr Constable, you are a 
diligent man - What den of rogues have you been scouring?' 
Then looking at us, who appeared very much dejected, he 
continued, 'Ay, ay, thieves, I see - old offenders - Oh, your 
humble servant, Mrs Harridan! I suppose these fellows have 
been taken robbing your house - yes, yes, here's an old 
acquaintance of mine - you have used expedition,' said he to 
me, 'in returning from transportation; but we shall save you the 
trouble for the future - the surgeons will fetch you from your 
next transportation at their expense.' I assured his worship he 
was mistaken in me, for he had never seen me in his life 
before. To this declaration he replied, 'How! you impudent 
rascal, dare you say so to my face? Do you think I am to be 
imposed upon by that northern accent which you have 
assumed? but it shan't avail you - you shall find me too far 
north for you. Here, clerk, write this fellow's mittimus. His 
name is Patrick Gahagan.' Here Mr Jackson interposed, and 
told him I was a Scotchman lately come to town, descended of 
a good family, and that my name was Random. The justice 
looked upon this assertion as an outrage upon his memory, on 
which he valued himself much; and strutting up to Jackson, 
with a fierce countenance, put his hands in his sides, and said, 
'Who are you, sir? Do you give me the lie? Take notice, 
gentlemen, here's a fellow who affronts me upon the bench; but 
I'll lay you fast, sirrah, I will; for notwithstanding your laced 
jacket, I believe you are a notorious felon.' My friend was so 
much abashed at this menace, which was thundered out with 
great vociferation, that he changed colour, and remained 
speechless. This confusion his worship took for a symptom of 
guilt, and to complete his discovery, continued his threats: 
'Now, I am convinced you are a thief - your face discovers it - 
you tremble all over - your conscience won't lie still - you'll be 
hanged, sirrah,' raising his voice, 'you'll be hanged; and happy 
had it been for the world, as well as your own miserable soul, 
if you had been detected and cut off in the beginning of your 
career. Come hither, clerk, and take this man's confession.' I 
was in an agony of consternation, when the constable, going 
into another room with his worship, acquainted him with the 
truth of the story; which having learned, he returned with a 
smiling countenance, and addressing himself to us all, said it 
was always his way to terrify young people, when they came 
before him, that his threats might make a strong impression on 
their minds, and deter them from engaging in scenes of riot and 
debauchery, which commonly ended before the judge. Thus 
having cloaked his own want of discernment under the disguise 
of paternal care, we were dismissed, and I found myself as 
much lightened as if a mountain had been lifted off my breast.


Chapter 18

I would willingly have gone home to sleep, but was told by 
my companions, that we must deliver our letters of 
qualification at the Navy Office before one o'clock; 
accordingly we went thither, and gave them to the secretary, 
who opened and read them; and I was mightily pleased to find 
myself qualified for second mate of a third rate. When he 
had stuck them altogether on a file, one of our company 
asked if there were any vacancies? to which interrogation he 
answered, No. Then I ventured to inquire if any ships were 
to be put in commission soon? At which question he surveyed 
me with a look of ineffable contempt, and, pushing us out of 
his oflfice, locked the door, without deigning us another 
word. We went downstairs, and conferred together on our 
expectations, when I understood that each of them had been 
recommended to one or other of the commissioners, and each 
of them promised the first vacancy that should fall; but 
that none of them relied solely upon that interest, without 
a present to the secretary, with whom some of the 
commissioners went snacks. For which reason each of them had 
provided a small purse; and I was asked what I proposed to 
give? This was a vexatious question to me, who, far from 
being in a capacity to gratify a ravenous secretary, had not 
wherewithal to purchase a dinner. I therefore answered, I 
had not yet determined what to give; and sneaked off towards 
my own lodgings, cursing my fate all the way, and inveighing 
with much bitterness against the barbarity of my 
grandfather, and the sordid avarice of my relations, who 
left me a prey to contempt and indigence. Full of these 
disagreeable reflections, I arrived at the house where I 
lodged, and relieved my landlord from great anxiety on my 
account; for this honest man believed I had met with some 
dismal accident, and that he should never see me again. 
Strap, who had come to visit me in the morning, 
understanding I had been abroad all night, was almost 
distracted, and, after having obtained leave of his master, 
had gone in quest of me, though he was even more ignorant of 
the town than I. Not being willing to inform my landlord of 
my adventure, I told him I had met with an acquaintance at 
Surgeons' Hall, with whom I spent the evening and night, but 
being very much infested by bugs, I had not slept much, and 
therefore intended to take a little repose; so saying, I 
went to bed, and desired to be awakened, if Strap should 
happen to come while I should be asleep. I was accordingly 
roused by my friend himself, who entered my chamber about 
three o'clock in the afternoon; and presented a figure to my 
eyes that I could scarce believe real. In short, this 
affectionate shaver, setting out towards Surgeons' Hall, had 
inquired for me there to no purpose; from thence he found 
his way to the Navy Office, where he could hear no tidings 
of me, because I was unknown to everybody then present; he 
afterwards went upon Change, in hopes of seeing me upon the 
Scotch walk, but without success. At last, being almost in 
despair of finding me, he resolved to ask everybody he met 
in the street, if perchance anyone could give him 
information about me; and actually put his resolution in 
practice, in spite of the scoffs, curses and reproaches with 
which he was answered; until a blacksmith's 'prentice, 
seeing him stop a porter with a burden on his back, and 
hearing his question, for which he received a hearty curse, 
called to him, and asked if the person he inquired after was 
not a Scotchman? Strap replied with great eagerness, 'Yes, 
and had on a brown coat with long skirts.' 'The same,' said 
the blacksmith, 'I saw him pass by an hour ago.' 'Did you 
so?' cried Strap, rubbing his hands. 'Odd! I am very glad of 
that - which way went he?' 'Towards Tyburn in a cart,' said 
he, 'if you make good speed, you may get thither time enough 
to see him hanged.' This piece of wit incensed my friend to 
such a degree, that he called the blacksmith scoundrel, and 
protested he would fight him for half a farthing. 'No, no,' 
said the other, stripping, 'I'll have none of your money - 
you Scotchmen seldom carry any about with you - but I'll 
fight you for love.' There was a ring immediately formed by 
the mob; and Strap, finding he could not get off honourably 
without fighting, at the same time burning with resentment 
against his adversary, quitted his clothes to the care of 
the multitude, and the battle began with great violence on 
the side of Strap, who in a few minutes exhausted his breath 
and spirits on his patient antagonist, who sustained the 
assault with great coolness, till, finding the barber quite 
spent, he returned the blows he had lent him with such 
interest, that Strap, after having received three falls on 
the hard stones, gave out, and allowed the blacksmith to be 
the better man. The victory being thus decided, it was 
proposed to adjourn to a cellar hard by, and drink friends. 
But when my friend began to gather up his clothes, he 
perceived that some honest person or other had made free 
with his shirt, neckcloth, hat, and wig, which were carried 
off, and probably his coat and waistcoat would have met with 
the same fate, had they been worth stealing. It was in vain 
for him to make a noise, which only yielded mirth to the 
spectators; he was fain to get off in this manner, which he 
accomplished with much difficulty, and appeared before me 
all besmeared with blood and dirt. Notwithstanding this 
misfortune, such was his transport at finding me safe and 
sound, that he had almost stifled and stunk me to death with 
his embraces. After he had cleaned himself, and put on one 
of my shirts, and a woollen nightcap, I recounted to him the 
particulars of my night's campaign, which filled him with 
admiration, and made him repeat with great energy an 
observation which was often in his mouth, namely, 'that 
surely London is the devil's drawing-room.' As neither of us 
had dined, he desired me to get up; and the milkwoman coming 
round at that instant, he went downstairs, and brought up a 
quart, with a penny brick, on which we made a comfortable 
meal. He then shared his money with me, which amounted to 
eighteenpence, and left me, with an intention to borrow an 
old wig and hat of his friend the schoolmaster. He was no 
sooner gone than I began to consider my situation with great 
uneasiness, and revolved all the schemes my imagination 
could suggest, in order to choose and pursue someone that 
might procure me bread; for it is impossible to express the 
pangs I felt, when I reflected on the miserable dependence 
in which I lived at the expense of a poor barber's boy. My 
pride took the alarm, and having no hopes of succeeding at 
the Navy Office, I came to a resolution of enlisting in the 
foot-guards next day, be the event what it would. This 
extravagant design, by flattering my disposition, gave great 
satisfaction; and I was charging the enemy at the head of my 
own regiment, when Strap's return interrupted my reverie. 
The schoolmaster had made him a present of the tie-wig which 
he wore when I was introduced to him, together with an old 
hat, whose brims would have overshadowed a Colossus. Though 
Strap had ventured to wear them in the dusk, he did not 
choose to entertain the mob by day; therefore went to work 
immediately, and reduced them both to a moderate size. While 
he was employed in this office, he addressed me thus: 'To be 
sure, Mr Random, you are born a gentleman, and have a great 
deal of learning - and indeed look like a gentleman; for, as 
to person, you may hold up your head with the best of them. 
On the other hand, I am a poor but honest cobbler's son - my 
mother was as industrious a woman as ever broke bread, till 
such time as she took to drinking, which you very well know -
 but everybody has failings - humanum est errare. Now, for 
myself, I am a poor journeyman barber, tolerably well made, 
and understand some Latin, and have a smattering of Greek - 
but what of that? perhaps I might also say that I know a 
little of the world - but that is to no purpose - though you 
be gentle and I simple, it does not follow but that I who am 
simple may do a good office to you who are gentle. Now this 
is the case - my kinsman the schoolmaster - perhaps you did 
not know how nearly he is related to me - I'll satisfy you 
in that presently - his mother and my grandmother's sister's 
nephew - no, that's not it - my grandfather's brother's 
daughter - rabbit it! I have forgot the degree, but this I 
know, he and I are cousins seven times removed.' My 
impatience to know the good office he had done me got the 
better of my temper, and interrupted him at this place, with 
'Damn your relation and pedigree! if the schoolmaster or you 
can be of any advantage to me, why don't you tell me without 
all this preamble?' When I pronounced these words with some 
vehemence, Strap looked at me for some time with a grave 
countenance, and then went on: 'Surely my pedigree is not to 
be damn'd, because it is not so noble as yours. I am very 
sorry to see such an alteration in your temper of late - you 
was always fiery, but now you are grown as crabbed as old 
Periwinkle the drunken tinker, on whom you and I, God 
forgive us, played so many unlucky tricks, while we were at 
school. But I will no longer detain you in suspense, 
because, doubtless, nothing is more uneasy than doubt - 
dubio, procul dubio, nil dubius. My friend, or relation, or 
which you will, or both, the schoolmaster, being informed of 
the regard I have for you - for, you may be sure, I did not 
fail to let him know your good qualities - by the bye, he 
has undertaken to teach you the pronunciation of the English 
tongue, without which, he says, you will be unfit for 
business in this country. I say my relation has spoke in 
your behalf to a French apothecary who wants a journeyman; 
and, on his recommendation, you may have fifteen pounds per 
year, bed and board, whenever you please.' I was too much 
interested in this piece of news to entertain it with 
indifference; but, jumping up, insisted on Strap's 
immediately accompanying me to the house of his friend, that 
I might not lose this opportunity through the least delay or 
neglect on my part. We were informed that the schoolmaster 
was in company at a public-house in the neighbourhood, 
whither we repaired, and found him drinking with the very 
individual apothecary in question. When he was called to the 
door at our desire, and observed my impatience, he broke out 
into his usual term of admiration: 'O Christ! I suppose, 
when you heard of this offer, you did not take leisure 
enough to come downstairs, but leapt out of the window; did 
you overturn no porter nor oyster-woman in your way! It is a 
mercy of God you did not knock your brains out against some 
post in your career. O' my conscience! I believe, had I been 
in the inmost recesses of my habitation - the very 
penetralia - even in bed with my wife, your eagerness would 
have surmounted bolts, bars, decency, and everything. The 
den of Cacus or Sanctum Sanctorum could not have hid me from 
you. But come along, the gentleman of whom I spoke is in the 
house, I will present you to him forthwith.' When I entered 
the room, I perceived four or five people smoking, one of 
whom the schoolmaster accosted thus: 'Mr Lavement, here's 
the young man of whom I spoke to you.' The apothecary, who 
was a little old withered man, with a forehead about an inch 
high, a nose turned up at the end, large cheekbones that 
helped to form a pit for his little grey eyes, a great bag 
of loose skin hanging down on each side in wrinkles like the 
alforjas of a baboon; and a mouth so accustomed to that 
contraction which produces grinning, that he could not 
pronounce a syllable without discovering the remains of his 
teeth, which consisted of four yellow fangs, not improperly, 
by anatomists, called canine. This person, I say, after 
having eyed me some time, said, 'Oho, 'tis very well, Mons. 
Concordance; - young man, you are ver welcome, take one coup 
of bierre - and come to mine house tomorrow morning: Mons. 
Concordance vil show you de way.' Upon this I made my bow, 
and as I went out of the room, could hear him say, 'Mafoi! 
c'est un beau garÁon, c'est un gaillard.' As I had, by my 
own application, while I served Crab, acquired the French 
tongue well enough to read authors written in that language, 
and understand anything that occurred in conversation, I 
determined to pretend ignorance to my new master, that he 
and his family, whom I supposed to be of the same country, 
not being on the reserve before me, might possibly discover 
something in discourse which would either yield me amusement 
or advantage. Next morning Mr Concordance carried me to the 
apothecary's house, where the bargain was made, and orders 
given to provide an apartment for me immediately. But, 
before I entered upon business, the schoolmaster recommended 
me to his tailor, who gave me credit for a suit of clothes 
to be paid out of the first moiety of my wages, and they 
were begun upon that very day; he afterwards accommodated me 
with a new hat, on the same terms, so that, in a few days, I 
hoped to make a very fashionable appearance. In the 
meantime, Strap conveyed my baggage to the place allotted 
for me, which was a back room up two pair of stairs, 
furnished with a pallet for me to lie upon, a chair without 
a back, an earthen chamber-pot without a handle, a bottle by 
way of candlestick, and a triangular piece of glass instead 
of a mirror, the rest of its ornaments having been lately 
removed to one of the garrets, for the convenience of the 
servant of an Irish captain, who lodged in the first floor.


Chapter 19

Next day, while I was at work in the shop, a bouncing damsel, 
well dressed, came in, on pretence of finding a phial for some 
use or other; and taking an opportunity when she thought I did 
not mind her, of observing me narrowly, went away with a 
silent look of disdain. I easily guessed her sentiments, and my 
pride took the resolution of entertaining the same indifference 
and neglect towards her. At dinner, the maids, with whom I 
dined in the kitchen, gave me to understand that this was my 
master's only daughter, who would have a very handsome 
fortune, on account of which, and her beauty, a great many 
young gentlemen made their addresses to her; that she had 
been twice on the brink of marriage, but disappointed by the 
stinginess of her father, who refused to part with a shilling to 
promote the match; for which reason the young lady did not 
behave to her father with all the filial veneration that might be 
expected. In particular, she harboured the most perfect hatred 
for his countrymen, in which disposition she resembled her 
mother, who was an English woman; and by the hints they 
dropped, I learned the grey mare was the better horse; that she 
was a matron of a high spirit, which was often manifested at 
the expense of her dependants; that she loved diversions, and 
looked upon Miss as her rival in all parties; which, indeed, was 
the true cause of all her disappointments, for, had the mother 
been hearty in her interest, the father would not have ventured 
to refuse her demands. Over and above this intelligence, I, of 
myself, soon made more discoveries. Mr Lavement's 
significant grins at his wife, while she looked another way, 
convinced me that he was not at all content with his lot; and his 
behaviour in presence of the captain made me believe his chief 
torment was jealousy. As for my own part, I was considered in 
no other light than that of a menial servant, and had been 
already six days in the house without being honoured with one 
word from either mother or daughter, the latter (as I understood 
from the maids) having, at table, one day expressed some 
surprise that her papa should entertain such an awkward mean-
looking journeyman. I was nettled at this piece of information, 
and next Sunday (it being my turn to take my diversion) 
dressed myself in my new clothes, to the greatest advantage, 
and, vanity apart, made no contemptible figure. After having 
spent most of the day in company with Strap and some of his 
acquaintance, I came home in the afternoon, and was let in by 
Miss, who, not knowing me, dropped a low curtsey as I 
advanced, which I returned with a profound bow, and shut the 
door. By the time I had turned about, she had perceived her 
mistake, and changed colour, but did not withdraw. The 
passage being narrow, I could not get away without jostling 
her; so I was forced to remain where I was, with my eyes fixed 
on the ground, and my face glowing with blushes. At length 
her vanity coming to her assistance, she went away tittering, 
and I could hear her pronounce the word 'Creature.' From this 
day forward, she came into the shop fifty times every day, 
upon various pretences, and put in practice so many ridiculous 
airs, that I could easily perceive her opinion of me was 
changed, and that she did not think me altogether an unworthy 
conquest. But my heart was so steeled against her charms by 
pride and resentment, which were two chief ingredients in my 
disposition, that I remained insensible to all her arts; and, 
notwithstanding some advances she made, could not be 
prevailed upon to yield her the least attention. This neglect 
soon banished all the favourable impressions she felt for me, 
and the rage of a slighted woman took place in her heart; this 
she manifested not only in all the suggestions her malice could 
invent to my prejudice with her father, but also in procuring for 
me such servile employments as she hoped would sufficiently 
humble my spirit. One day, in particular, she ordered me to 
brush my master's coat, but I refusing, a smart dialogue ensued, 
which ended in her bursting into tears of rage; when her 
mother interposing, and examining into the merits of the cause, 
determined it in my favour; and this good office I owed not to 
any esteem or consideration she had for me, but solely to the 
desire of mortifying her daughter, who on this occasion 
observed, that let people be never so much in the right, there 
were some folks who would never do them justice; but, to be 
sure, they had their reasons for it, which some people were not 
ignorant of, although they despised their little arts. This 
insinuation of some people and some folks, put me upon 
observing the behaviour of my mistress more narrowly for the 
future; and it was not long before I had reason to believe that 
she looked upon her daughter as a rival in the affections of 
Captain O'Donnell, who lodged in the house. In the meantime, 
my industry and knowledge gained me the good will of my 
master, who would often say in French, 'Mardie! c'est un bon 
garÁon.' He had a great deal of business; but as he was mostly 
employed among his fellow-refugees, his profits were small. 
However, his expense for medicines was not great, for he was 
the most expert man at a succedaneum of any apothecary in 
London; so that I have been sometimes amazed to see him, 
without the least hesitation, make up a physician's prescription, 
though he had not in his shop one medicine mentioned in it. 
Oyster shells he could invent into crab's eyes; common oil into 
oil of sweet almonds; syrup of sugar, into balsamic syrup; 
Thames water, into aqua cinnamoni; turpentine, into capivi; 
and a hundred more costly preparations were produced in an 
instant, from the cheapest and coarsest drugs of the materia 
medica: and when any common thing was ordered for a 
patient, he always took care to disguise it in colour or taste, or 
both, in such a manner as that it could not possibly be known. 
For which purpose cochineal and oil of cloves were of great 
service. Among many nostrums which he possessed, there was 
one for the venereal disease, that brought him a good deal of 
money; and this he concealed so artfully from me, that I could 
never learn its composition. But during the eight months I 
stayed in his service, he was so unfortunate in the use of it, that 
three parts in four of those who took it were fain to confirm the 
cure by a salivation under the direction of another doctor. This 
bad success, in all appearance, attached him the more to his 
specific; and before I left him, I may venture to say, he would 
have sooner renounced the Trinity, notwithstanding his being a 
good Huguenot, than his confidence in the never-failing power 
of this remedy. Mr Lavement had attempted more than once to 
introduce a vegetable diet into his family, by launching out into 
the praise of roots and greens, and decrying the use of flesh, 
both as a physician and philosopher; but all his rhetoric could 
not make one proselyte to his opinion; and even the wife of his 
bosom declared against the proposal. Whether it was owing to 
the little regard she paid to her husband's admonition in this 
particular, or to the natural warmth of her constitution, I know 
not; but this lady's passions became every day more and more 
violent, till at last she looked upon decency as an unnecessary 
restraint; and one afternoon, when her husband was abroad, 
and her daughter gone to visit, ordered me to call a hackney 
coach, in which she and the captain drove towards Covent 
Garden. Miss came home in the evening, and, supping at her 
usual hour, went to bed. About eleven o'clock my master 
entered, and asked if his wife was gone to sleep; upon which I 
told him my mistress went out in the afternoon, and was not 
yet returned. This was like a clap of thunder to the poor 
apothecary, who, starting back, cried, 'Mort de ma vie! vat you 
tell a me? My wife not at home!' At that instant a patient's 
servant arrived with a prescription for a draught, which my 
master taking, went into the shop to make it up with his own 
hand. While he rubbed the ingredients in a glass mortar, he 
inquired of me whether or not his wife went out alone; and no 
sooner heard that she was in company with the captain than, 
with one blow, he split the mortar into a thousand pieces, and 
grinning like the head of a bass viol, exclaimed, 'Ah, traitresse!' 
It would have been impossible for me to have preserved my 
gravity a minute longer, when I was happily relieved by a rap 
at the door, which I opened, and perceived my mistress coming 
out of the coach; she flounced immediately into the shop, and 
addressed her husband thus: 'I suppose you thought I was lost, 
my dear - Captain O'Donnell has been so good as to treat me 
with a play.' 'Play, play,' replied he, 'oho! yes, by gar, I believe 
ver prettie play.' 'Bless me! ' said she, 'what's the matter?' 'Vat 
de matter?' cried he, forgetting all his former complaisance, 'by 
gar, you be one damn dog's wife - ventre bleu! me vill show 
you vat it is to put one horn upon mine head. Pardieu! le 
Capitaine O'Donnell be one -' Here the captain, who had been 
all the while at the door discharging the coach, entered, and 
said, with a terrible voice, 'Damme! what am I?' Mr Lavement, 
changing his tone, immediately saluted him with, 'Oh, 
serviteur, Monsieur le Capitaine, vous etes un gallant homme - 
ma femme est fort obligee.' Then, turning about towards me, 
pronounced with a low voice, 'Et diablement obligeante, sans 
doute.' - 'Harkee, Mr Lavement,' said the captain, 'I am a man 
of honour, and I believe you are too much of a gentleman to be 
offended at the civility I show your wife.' This declaration had 
such an effect on the apothecary, that he resumed all the 
politesse of a Frenchman, and with the utmost prostration of 
compliment, assured the captain that he was perfectly well 
satisfied with the honour he had done his wife. Matters being 
thus composed, everybody went to rest. Next day I perceived, 
through a glass door that opened from the shop into the 
parlour, the captain talking earnestly to Miss, who heard him 
with a look that expressed anger mingled with scorn; which, 
however, he at last found means to mollify, and sealed his 
reconciliation with a kiss. This circumstance soon convinced 
me of the occasion of the quarrel; but notwithstanding all my 
vigilance, I could never discover any other commerce between 
them. In the meanwhile, I had reason to believe I had inspired 
one of the maids with tender sentiments for me; and one night, 
when I thought every other person in the house asleep, I took 
the opportunity of going to reap the fruits of my conquest, her 
bedfellow having the day before gone to Richmond to visit her 
parents. Accordingly, I got up, and, naked as I was, explored 
my way in the dark to the garret where she lay. I was ravished 
to find the door open, and moved softly to her bedside, 
transported with the hope of completing my wishes. But what 
horrors of jealousy and disappointment did I feel, when I found 
her asleep, fast locked in the arms of a man, whom I easily 
guessed to be no other than the captain's servant! I was upon 
the point of doing some rash thing, when the noise of a rat 
scratching behind the wainscot put me to flight, and I was fain 
to get back to my own bed in safety. Whether this alarm had 
disordered my mind, or that I was led astray by the power of 
destiny, I know not; but, instead of turning to the left hand 
when I descended to the second story, I pursued the contrary 
course, and mistook the young lady's bedchamber for my own. 
I did not perceive my mistake before I had run against the 
bedposts, and then it was not in my power to retreat 
undiscovered; for the nymph being awake, felt my approach, 
and with a soft voice, bade me make less noise, lest the Scotch 
booby in the next room should overhear us. This hint was 
sufficient to inform me of the nature of the assignation; and as 
my passions, at any time high, were then in a state of 
exaltation, I resolved to profit by my good fortune. Without 
any more ceremony, therefore, I made bold to slip into bed to 
this charmer, who gave me as favourable a reception as I could 
desire. Our conversation was very sparing on my part; but she 
upbraided the person whom I represented with his jealousy of 
me, whom she handled so roughly, that my resentment had 
wellnigh occasioned a discovery more than once; but I was 
consoled by her hatred of me by the revenge I enjoyed in 
understanding from her own mouth that it was now high time 
to salve her reputation by matrimony; for she had reason to 
fear she could not much longer conceal the effects of their 
mutual intercourse. While I was meditating an answer to this 
proposal, I heard a noise in my room, like something heavy 
falling down upon the floor; upon which I started up, and, 
creeping to the door of my chamber, observed by moonlight 
the shadow of a man groping his way out; so I retired to one 
side to let him pass, and saw him go downstairs as 
expeditiously as he could. It was an easy matter to divine that 
this was the captain, who, having overslept himself, had got up 
at last to keep his assignation; and finding my door open, had 
entered my apartment instead of that of his mistress, where I 
supplied his place; but finding his mistake, by falling over my 
chair, he was afraid the noise might alarm the family, and, for 
that reason, made off, delaying the gratification of his desires 
till another opportunity. By this time I was satisfied; and, 
instead of returning to the place from whence I came, retreated 
to my own castle, which I fortified by bolting the door, and, in 
the congratulation of my own happiness, fell asleep. But the 
truth of this adventure could not be long concealed from my 
young mistress, who next day came to an explanation with the 
captain, upon his lamenting his last night's disappointment, and 
begging pardon for the noise he had made. Their mutual 
chagrin, when they came to the knowledge of what had 
happened, may be easily conjectured, though each had a 
peculiar grief unfelt by the other; for she was conscious of not 
only having betrayed to me the secrets of her commerce with 
him, but also of having incensed me by the freedoms she had 
taken with my name, beyond a hope of reconciliation. On the 
other hand, his jealousy suggested that her sorrow was all 
artifice, and that I had supplied his place with her own privity 
and consent. That such was the situation of their thoughts, will 
appear in the sequel; for that very day she came into the shop 
where I was alone, and fixing her eyes, swimming in tears, 
upon me, sighed most piteously. But I was proof against her 
distress, by recollecting the epithets with which she had 
honoured me the night before; and believing that the good 
reception I enjoyed was destined for another, therefore I took 
no notice of her affliction; and she had the mortification to find 
her disdain returned fourfold. However, from thenceforward 
she thought proper to use me with more complaisance than 
usual, knowing that it was in my power at any time to publish 
her shame. By these means my life became much more 
agreeable, though I never could prevail upon myself to repeat 
my nocturnal visit; and, as I every day improved in my 
knowledge of the town, I shook off my awkward air by 
degrees, and acquired the character of a polite journeyman 
apothecary.


Chapter 20

One night, about twelve o'clock, as I returned from visiting 
a patient at Chelsea, I received a blow on my head from an 
unseen hand that stretched me senseless on the ground; and 
was left for dead, with three stabs of a sword in my body. 
The groans I uttered, when I recovered the use of my reason, 
alarmed the people of a solitary alehouse that stood near 
the spot where I lay, and they were humane enough to take me 
in and send for a surgeon, who dressed my wounds, and 
assured me they were not mortal. One of them penetrated 
through the skin and muscles of one side of my belly in such 
a manner, that doubtless the assassin imagined he had run me 
through the entrails. The second slanted along one of my 
ribs; and the last, which was intended for the finishing 
stroke, having been directed to my heart, the sword snapped 
upon my breastbone, and the point remained sticking in the 
skin. When I reflected upon this event, I could not persuade 
myself that I had been assaulted by a common footpad; 
because it is not usual for such people to murder those they 
rob, especially when they meet with no resistance; and I 
found my money and everything else about me (but my carcass) 
safe. I concluded, therefore, that I must either have been 
mistaken for another, or obliged to the private resentment 
of some secret enemy for what had happened; and as I could 
remember nobody who had the least cause of complaint against 
me, except Captain O'Donnell and my master's daughter, my 
suspicion settled upon them, though I took care to conceal 
it, that I might the sooner arrive at confirmation. With 
this view I went home in a chair about ten o'clock in the 
morning; and as the chairman supported me into the house, 
met the captain in the passage, who no sooner saw me than he 
started back, and gave evident signs of guilty confusion, 
which he would have accounted for from the surprise 
occasioned by seeing me in such a condition. My master 
having heard my story, condoled me with a good deal of 
sympathy, and when he understood my wounds were not 
dangerous, ordered me to be carried upstairs to bed; though 
not without some opposition from his wife, who was of 
opinion it would be better for me to go to an hospital, 
where I should be more carefully attended. My meditation was 
employed in concerting with myself some method of revenge 
against Squire O'Donnell and his inamorata, whom I looked 
upon as the authors of my misfortune; when Miss (who was not 
at home at my arrival) entered my chamber, and, saying she 
was sorry for the accident that had befallen me, asked me if 
I suspected anybody to be the assassin: upon which I fixed 
my eyes steadfastly upon her, and answered, 'Yes.' She 
discovered no symptom of confusion; but replied hastily, 'If 
that be the case, why don't you take out a warrant to have 
him apprehended? It will cost but a trifle; if you have no 
money, I'll lend you.' This frankness not only cured me of 
my suspicion with respect to her, but even staggered my 
belief with regard to the captain, of whose guilt I resolved 
to have further proof before I should enterprise anything in 
the way of revenge. I thanked her kindly for her generous 
offer; which, however, I had no occasion to accept, being 
determined to do nothing rashly: for though I could plainly 
perceive the person who attacked me to be a soldier, whose 
face I thought was familiar to me, I could not swear with a 
safe conscience to any particular man; and, granting I 
could, my prosecution of him would not much avail. This 
uncertainty I pretended, lest the captain, hearing from her 
that I knew the person who wounded me, might think proper to 
withdraw before I could be in a condition to requite him. In 
two days I was up, and able to do a little business, so that 
Mr Lavement made shift to carry on his practice without 
hiring another journeyman in my room. The first thing I 
attempted towards a certain discovery of my secret enemy, 
was to get into O'Donnell's apartment while he was abroad in 
an undress, and examine his sword, the point of which being 
broke off, I applied the fragment that was found sticking in 
my body, and found it answered the fractured part exactly. 
There was no room left for doubt; and all that remained was 
to fix upon a scheme of revenge, which almost solely 
engrossed my thoughts during the space of eight nights and 
days. Sometimes I was tempted to fall upon him in the same 
manner as he had practised upon me, and kill him outright. 
But this assault my honour opposed as a piece of barbarous 
cowardice, in which he was not to be imitated. At other 
times I entertained thoughts of demanding satisfaction in an 
honourable way; but was diverted from this undertaking by 
considering the uncertainty of the event, and the nature of 
the injury he had done me, which did not entitle him to such 
easy terms. At last I determined to pursue a middle course; 
and actually put my design in execution after this manner. 
Having secured the assistance of Strap and two of his 
acquaintances whom he could depend upon, we provided 
ourselves with disguises, and I caused the following letter 
to be delivered to him by one of our associates in livery 
one Sunday evening:

'SIR - If I may be allowed to judge from appearance, it will 
not be disagreeable to you to hear that my husband is gone 
to Bagshot to visit a patient, and will not return till 
tomorrow night; so that if you have anything to propose to 
me (as your behaviour on many occasions has seemed to 
insinuate), you will do well to embrace the present 
opportunity of seeing

'Yours, etc.'

This letter was signed with the name of an apothecary's wife 
who lived in Chelsea, of whom I had heard O'Donnell was an 
admirer. Everything succeeded to our wish. The amorous hero 
hastened towards the place of assignation; and was 
encountered by us in the very place where he had assaulted 
me. We rushed upon him all at once, secured his sword, 
stripped off his clothes even to the skin, which we scourged 
with nettles till he was blistered from head to foot, 
notwithstanding all the eloquence of his tears and 
supplications. When I was satisfied with the stripes I had 
bestowed, we carried off his clothes, which we hid in a 
hedge near the place, and left him stark naked to find his 
way home in the best manner he could, while I took care to 
be there before him. I afterwards understood, that, in his 
way to the lodgings of a friend who lived in the skirts of 
the town, he was picked up by the watch, who carried him to 
the Round-house, from whence he sent for clothes to his 
lodgings; and next morning arrived at the door in a chair, 
wrapped up in a blanket he had borrowed; for his body was so 
sore and swelled, that he could not bear to be confined in 
his wearing apparel. He was treated with the utmost 
tenderness by my mistress and her daughter, who vied with 
each other in their care and attendance of him; but Lavement 
himself could not forbear expressing his joy, by several 
malicious grins, while he ordered me to prepare an unguent 
for his sores. As to myself, nobody can doubt my 
gratification when I had every day an opportunity of seeing 
my revenge protracted on the body of my adversary, by the 
ulcers of which I had been the cause; and indeed I not only 
enjoyed the satisfaction of having flayed him alive, but 
another also which I had not foreseen. The story of his 
being attacked and stripped in such a place having been 
inserted in the news, gave information to those who found 
his clothes next day whither to bring them; and accordingly 
he retrieved everything he had lost, except a few letters, 
among which was that which I had writ to him in the name of 
the apothecary's wife. This and the others, which, it seems, 
were all on the subject of love (for this Hibernian hero was 
one of those people who are called fortune-hunters), fell 
into the hands of a certain female author, famous for the 
scandal she has published, who, after having embellished 
them with some ornaments of her own invention, gave them to 
the town in print. I was very much shocked on reflecting, 
that I might possibly be the occasion of a whole family's 
unhappiness, on account of the letter I had written; but was 
eased of that apprehension, when I understood that the 
Chelsea apothecary had commenced a law-suit against the 
printer for defamation; and looked upon the whole as a piece 
of forgery committed by the author, who had disappeared. But 
whatever might be his opinion of the matter, our two ladies 
seemed to entertain a different idea of it: for, as soon as 
the pamphlet appeared, I could perceive their care of their 
patient considerably diminish, until at last it ended in 
total neglect. It was impossible for him to be ignorant of 
this change, any more than of the occasion of it; but as he 
was conscious to himself of having deserved worse than 
contempt at their hands, he was glad to come off so cheaply, 
and contented himself with muttering curses and threats 
against the apothecary, who, as he imagined, having got an 
inkling of the appointment with his wife, had taken revenge 
of him in the manner described. By the time he got a new 
scarf skin, his character was become so notorious, that he 
thought it high time for him to decamp; and his retreat he 
performed in one night without beat of drum, after having 
robbed his own servant of everything that belonged to him, 
except the clothes he had on his back. A few days after he 
disappeared, Mr Lavement, for his own security, took into 
custody a large old trunk which he had left; and, as it was 
very heavy, made no question that the contents were 
sufficient to indemnify him for what O'Donnell owed in 
lodging. But a month being elapsed without hearing any 
tidings of this adventurer, and my master being impatient to 
know what the trunk contained, he ordered me to break it 
open in his presence, which task I performed with the pestle 
of our great mortar, and discovered, to his inexpressible 
astonishment and mortification, a heap of stones.
About this time my friend Strap informed me of an offer he 
had to go abroad with a gentleman, in quality of valet de 
chambre, and at the same time assured me, that whatever 
advantage he might propose to himself from this prospect, he 
could not bear the thoughts of parting from me; so much was 
he attached to my fortune. In spite of all the obligations I 
owed to this poor honest fellow, ingratitude is so natural 
to the heart of man, that I began to be tired of his 
acquaintance; and now that I had contracted other 
friendships which appeared more creditable, was even ashamed 
to see a journeyman barber inquiring after me with the 
familiarity of a companion. I therefore, on pretence of 
consulting his welfare, insisted upon his accepting the 
proposal, which he at last determined to embrace with great 
reluctance; and in a few days took his leave of me, shedding 
a flood of tears, which I could not behold without emotion. 
I now began to look upon myself as a gentleman in reality - 
learned to dance of a Frenchman whom I had cured of a 
fashionable distemper - frequented plays during the holidays 
- became the oracle of an alehouse, where every dispute was 
referred to my decision - and at length contracted an 
acquaintance with a young lady, who found means to make a 
conquest of my heart, and upon whom I prevailed, after much 
attendance and solicitation, to give me a promise of 
marriage. As this beautiful creature passed for a rich 
heiress, I blessed my good fortune, and was actually on the 
point of crowning all my wishes by matrimony, when one 
morning I went to her lodgings, and her maid being abroad, 
took the privilege of a bridegroom to enter her chamber, 
where, to my utter confusion, I found her in bed with a man. 
Heaven gave me patience and presence of mind enough to 
withdraw immediately; and I thanked my stars a thousand 
times for the happy discovery, by which I resolved to profit 
so much as to abandon all thoughts of marriage for the 
future.


Chapter 21

While I enjoyed myself at large in this temper of mind, Mr 
Lavement let his first floor to my countryman and 
acquaintance, Squire Gawky, who, by this time, had got a 
lieutenancy in the army, and such a martial ferocity in his 
appearance, that I was afraid he would remember what had 
happened between us in Scotland, and atone for his breach of 
appointment then, by his punctuality now; but, whether he 
had actually forgot me, or was willing to make me believe 
so, he betrayed not the least symptom of recognition at 
sight of me, and I remained quite cured of my apprehension; 
though I had occasion, not long after, to be convinced that, 
howsoever his externals might be altered, he was at bottom 
the same individual Gawky whom I have already described. 
For, coming home late one night from the house of a patient, 
I heard a noise in the street, and, as I approached, 
perceived two gentlemen in custody of three watchmen. The 
prisoners, who were miserably disfigured with dirt, 
complained bitterly of the loss of their hats and wigs; and 
one of them, whom, by his tongue, I knew to be a Scotchman, 
lamented most piteously, offering a guinea for his liberty, 
which the watchman refused, alleging that one of his 
companions was wounded grievously, and that he must stand to 
the consequence. My prejudice in favour of my country was so 
strong, that I could not bear to see anybody belonging to it 
in distress, and therefore, with one blow of my faithful 
cudgel, knocked down the watchman who had hold of the person 
for whom I was chiefly concerned. He was no sooner 
disengaged, than he betook himself to his heels, and left me 
to maintain the dispute as I should think proper; and, 
indeed, I came off but scurvily; for, before I could avail 
myself of my speed, I received a blow on the eye from one of 
the other two that had well-nigh deprived me of the use of 
that organ. However, I made shift to get home, where I was 
informed of Captain Gawky's being robbed and abused by a 
company of footpads, and was ordered by my master to prepare 
an emollient glyster and paregoric draught, in order to 
allay and compose the ferment of his spirits, occasioned by 
the barbarous treatment he had undergone, while he took 
twelve ounces of blood from him immediately. When I had 
inquired into the particulars of this adventure, and 
understood, by the servant, that he came in just before me, 
without hat and wig, I made no scruple of believing him to 
be the person I had released, and was confirmed in my belief 
upon hearing his voice, to which, before that event, I had 
been so long a stranger. My eye being considerably swelled 
and inflamed, I could not reflect upon my enterprise without 
cursing my own folly, and even resolving to declare the 
truth of the whole story, in order to be revenged on the 
cowardly wretch for whom I had suffered. Accordingly, next 
day, after he had told, in the presence of my master, his 
wife, and daughter, who came to visit him, a thousand lies 
concerning the prowess he had shown in making his escape, I 
ventured to explain the mystery, and calling in the evidence 
of my contused eye, upbraided him with cowardice and 
ingratitude. Gawky was so astonished at this discourse, that 
he could not answer one word; and the rest of the company 
stared at one another; till, at length, my mistress 
reprimanded me for my insolent behaviour, and threatened to 
turn me away for my presumption. Upon which Gawky, having 
recollected himself, observed, as the young man might have 
mistaken another person for him, he could forgive his 
insinuations, more especially as he seemed to have suffered 
for his civility; but advised me to be more certain in my 
conjectures for the future, before I ventured to publish 
them to the prejudice of any man. Miss applauded the 
captain's generosity in pardoning one who had so 
villainously aspersed him, and I began to imagine her praise 
was not at all disinterested. But the apothecary, who, 
perhaps, had more penetration, or less partiality, than his 
wife and daughter, differed from them in his sentiments of 
the matter, and expressed himself to me in the shop in this 
manner: 'Ah! mon pauvre Roderique! you ave more of de 
veracite dan of de prudence - bot mine vife and dater be 
diablement sage, and Mons. le Capitaine un fanfaron, 
pardieu!' This eulogium on his wife and daughter, though 
spoken ironically by him, was nevertheless literally just; 
by espousing the cause of Gawky, the one obliged a valuable 
lodger, and the other acquired a husband at a juncture when 
one was absolutely necessary; for the young lady, finding 
the effects of her correspondence with O'Donnell becoming 
plainer and plainer every day, insinuated herself so 
artfully into the affection of this new lodger, that in less 
than a fortnight, on pretence of going to a play, they drove 
away together to the Fleet, where they were coupled; from 
thence removed to a bagnio, where the marriage was 
consummated; and in the morning came home, where they asked 
her father's and mother's blessing. The prudent parents, 
notwithstanding the precipitation with which the match was 
carried on, did not think fit to refuse their approbation; 
for the apothecary was not ill pleased to find his daughter 
married to a young man of good prospect, who had not 
mentioned to him one syllable on the article of her dowry; 
and his wife was rejoiced at being rid of a rival in her 
gallants, and a spy upon her pleasures. Nor was I without 
self-enjoyment at this event, when I reflected upon the 
revenge I had unwittingly taken upon my enemy, in making him 
a cuckold by anticipation. But I little dreamed what a storm 
of mischief was brewing against me, whilst I thus indulged 
myself. Whatever face Gawky put on the matter, my discovery 
of the adventure before related, and the reproaches I vented 
against him, had stung him to the soul, and cherished the 
seeds of enmity so strongly in his breast, that he, it 
seems, imparted his indignation to his wife, who being as 
desirous as himself to compass the ruin of one that not only 
slighted her caresses but was able on any occasion to 
discover particulars not at all advantageous to her 
character, readily joined in a conspiracy against me, which, 
had it taken effect as they expected, would infallibly have 
brought me to an ignominious death. My master having several 
times missed large quantities of medicines, of which I could 
give no account, at last lost all patience, and, in plain 
terms, taxed me with having embezzled them for my own use. 
As I could only oppose my single asseveration to his 
suspicion, he told me one day, 'By gar, your vord not be 
give me de satisfaction - me find necessaire to chercher for 
my medicine, pardonnez-moi - il faut chercher - me demand le 
clef of your coffre a cette heure.' Then raising his voice 
to conceal the fright he was in, lest I should make any 
opposition, he went on, 'Oui, foutre, I charge you rendez le 
clef of your coffre - moi - si, moi qui vous parle.' I was 
fired with so much resentment and disdain at this 
accusation, that I burst into tears, which he took for a 
sign of my guilt: and pulling out my key, told him he might 
satisfy himself immediately, though he would not find it so 
easy to satisfy me for the injury my reputation had suffered 
from his unjust suspicion. He took the key, and mounted up 
to my chamber, attended by the whole family; saying, 'He 
bien, nous verrons - nous verrons.' But what was my horror 
and amazement, when, on opening my chest, he pulled out a 
handful of the very things that were missing, and 
pronounced, 'Ah ha! vous etes bien venus - mardie, Mons. 
Roderique, you be fort innocent.' I had not power to utter 
one word in my own vindication, but stood motionless and 
silent, while everybody present made their respective 
remarks on what appeared against me. The servants said they 
were sorry for my misfortune, and went away repeating, 'Who 
would have thought it?' My mistress took occasion, from this 
detection, to rail against the practice of employing 
strangers in general; and Mrs Gawky, after having observed 
that she never had a good opinion of my fidelity, proposed 
to have me carried before a justice, and committed to 
Newgate immediately. Her husband was actually upon the 
stairs in his way for a constable, when Mr Lavement, knowing 
the cost and trouble of a prosecution to which he must bind 
himself, and at the same time dreading lest some particulars 
of my confession might affect his practice, called out, 
'Restez, mon fils! restez, it be veritablement one grand 
crime which dis pauvre diable have committed - bot peut-etre 
de good God give him de penitence, and me vill not have upon 
mine head de blood of one sinner.' The captain and his lady 
used all the Christian arguments their zeal could suggest, 
to prevail on the apothecary to pursue me to destruction, 
and represented the injustice he did to the community of 
which he was a member, in letting a villain escape, who 
would not fail of doing more mischief in the world, when he 
should reflect on his coming off so easily now. But their 
eloquence made no impression on my master, who, turning to 
me, said, 'Go, miserable, go from mine house, quick, quick - 
and make reparation for your mauvaise actions.' By this time 
my indignation had roused me from the stupefaction in which 
I had hitherto remained, and I began in this manner: 'Sir, 
appearances, I own, condemn me; but you are imposed upon as 
much as I am abused. I have fallen a sacrifice to the 
rancour of that scoundrel,' pointing to Gawky, 'who has 
found means to convey your goods hither, that the detection 
of them might blast my reputation, and accomplish my 
destruction. His hatred of me is owing to a consciousness of 
his having wronged me in my own country; for which injury 
he, in a cowardly manner, refused me the satisfaction of a 
gentleman. He knows, moreover, that I am no stranger to his 
dastardly behaviour in this town, which I have recounted 
before; and he is unwilling that such a testimony of his 
ingratitude and pusillanimity should live upon the earth. 
For this reason he is guilty of the most infernal malice to 
bring about my ruin. And I am afraid, madam,' turning to Mrs 
Gawky, 'you have too easily entered into the sentiments of 
your husband. I have often found you my enemy, and am well 
acquainted with the occasion of your being so, which I don't 
at present think proper to declare; but I would not advise 
you, for your own sake, to drive me to extremity.' This 
address enraged her so much, that, with a face as red as 
scarlet, and the eyes of a fury, she strutted up to me, and, 
putting her hands on her sides, spit in my face, saying I 
was a scandalous villain, but she defied my malice; and 
that, unless her papa would prosecute me like a thief as I 
was, she would not stay another night under his roof. At the 
same time Gawky, assuming a big look, told me he scorned 
what lies I could invent against him: but that, if I 
pretended to asperse his wife, he would put me to death, by 
God. To this threat I answered, 'I wish to God I could meet 
with thee in a desert, that I might have an opportunity of 
punishing thee for thy perfidy towards me, and rid the world 
of such a rascal. What hinders me this moment,' said I, 
seizing an old bottle that stood by, 'from doing myself that 
justice?' I had no sooner armed myself in this manner, than 
Gawky and his father-in-law retired in such a hurry, that 
the one overturned the other, and they rolled together 
downstairs; while my mistress swooned away with fear; and 
her daughter asked if I intended to murder her? I gave her 
to understand, that nothing was farther from my intention: 
that I would leave her to the stings of her own conscience, 
but was firmly resolved to slit her husband's nose, whenever 
fortune should offer a convenient opportunity. Then going 
downstairs, I met Lavement coming up trembling with the 
pestle in his hand, and Gawky behind, armed with his sword, 
pushing him forward. I demanded a parley, and having assured 
them of my pacific disposition, Gawky exclaimed, 'Ah! 
villain! you have killed my dear wife.' And the apothecary 
cried, 'Ah! coquin! vere is my shild?' 'The lady,' said I, 
'is above stairs, unhurt by me, and will a few months hence, 
I believe, reward your concern.' Here she called to them, 
and desired they would let the wretch go, and trouble 
themselves no further about him. To which request her father 
consented, observing, nevertheless, that my conversation was 
fort mysterieuse. Finding it impossible to vindicate my 
innocence, I left the house immediately, and went to the 
schoolmaster, with an intention of clearing myself to him, 
and asking his advice with regard to my future conduct; but, 
to my inexpressible vexation, was told he was gone to the 
country, where he would stay two or three days. I returned 
with a design of consulting some acquaintances I had 
acquired in my master's neighbourhood; but my story had 
taken air, through the officiousness of the servants, and 
not one of my friends would vouchsafe me a hearing. Thus I 
found myself, by the iniquity of mankind, in a much more 
deplorable condition than ever: for though I had been 
formerly as poor, my reputation was without blemish, and my 
health unimpaired till now; but at present my good name was 
lost, my money gone, my friends were alienated, my body was 
infected by a distemper contracted in the course of an 
amour, and my faithful Strap, who alone could yield me pity 
and assistance, absent I knew not where.
The first resolution I could take in this melancholy 
conjuncture, was to remove my clothes to the house of the 
person with whom I had formerly lodged, where I remained two 
days, in hopes of getting another place, by the interest of 
Mr Concordance, to whom I made no doubt of being able to 
vindicate my character; but in this supposition I reckoned 
without my host, for Lavement took care to be beforehand 
with me, and when I attempted to explain the whole affair to 
the schoolmaster, I found him so prepossessed against me, 
that he would scarce hear me to an end; but when I had 
finished my justification, shook his head, and beginning 
with his usual exclamation, 'O Christ!' said, 'That won't go 
down with me. I am very sorry I should have the misfortune 
of being concerned in the affair, but, however, shall be 
more cautious for the future. I will trust no man from 
henceforward - no, not my father who begat me - nor the 
brother who lay with me in my mother's womb. Should Daniel 
rise from the dead, I would think him an impostor, and were 
the genius of Truth to appear would question its veracity.' 
I told him, that one day it was possible he might be 
convinced of the injury I had suffered, and repent of his 
premature determination. To which remark he answered, the 
proof of my innocence would make his bowels to vibrate with 
joy; 'but till that shall happen,' continued he, 'I must beg 
to have no manner of connection with you - my reputation is 
at stake - O my good God! I shall be looked upon as your 
accomplice and abettor - people will say Jonathan Wild was 
but a type of me - boys will hoot at me as I pass along, and 
the cinder-wenches belch forth reproaches wafted in a gale 
impregnated with gin - I shall be notorious - the very butt 
of slander and cloak of infamy.' I was not in a humour to 
relish the climax of expressions upon which this gentleman 
valued himself in all his discourses; but, without any 
ceremony, took my leave, cursed with every sentiment of 
horror which my situation could suggest. I considered, 
however, in the intervals of my despondence, that I must in 
some shape suit my expense to my calamitous circumstances; 
and with that view hired an apartment in a garret near St 
Giles's, at the rate of ninepence per week. In this place I 
resolved to perform my own cure, having first pawned three 
shirts to purchase medicines and support for the occasion.
One day when I sat in this solitary retreat, musing upon the 
unhappiness of my fate, I was alarmed by a groan that issued 
from a chamber contiguous to mine, into which I immediately 
ran, and found a woman stretched on a miserable truckle bed, 
without any visible signs of life. Having applied a smelling-
bottle to her nose, the blood began to revisit her cheeks, 
and she opened her eyes; but, good heavens! what were the 
emotions of my soul, when I discovered her to be the same 
individual lady who had triumphed over my heart, and to 
whose fate I had almost been inseparably joined! Her 
deplorable situation filled my breast with compassion, and 
every tender idea reviving in my imagination, I flew into 
her embrace. She knew me immediately; and, straining me 
gently in her arms, shed a torrent of tears, which I could 
not help increasing. At length, casting a languishing look 
at me, she pronounced, with a feeble voice, 'Dear Mr Random, 
I do not deserve this concern at your hands. I am a vile 
creature who had a base design upon your person; suffer me 
to expiate that and all my other crimes by a miserable 
death, which will not fail to overtake me in a few hours.' I 
encouraged her as much as I could; told her I forgave all 
her intentions with regard to me; and that, although my 
circumstances were extremely low, I would share my last 
farthing with her. In the meantime, I begged to know the 
immediate cause of that fit from which she had just 
recovered, and said I would endeavour by my skill to prevent 
any more such attacks. She seemed very much affected with 
this expression, took my hand and pressed it to her lips, 
saying, 'You are too generous! - I wish I could live to 
express my gratitude; but alas! I perish for want.' Then, 
shutting her eyes, she relapsed into another swoon. Such 
extremity of distress must have awaked the most obdurate 
heart to sympathy and compassion. What effect, then, must it 
have had on mine, that was naturally prone to every tender 
passion? I ran downstairs, and sent my landlady to a 
chemist's shop for some cinnamon water; while I, returning 
to this unfortunate creature's chamber, used all the means 
in my power to bring her to herself. This aim, with much 
difficulty, I accomplished, and made her drink a glass of 
the cordial to recruit her spirits; then I prepared a little 
mulled red wine and a toast, which having taken, she found 
herself thoroughly revived, and informed me that she had not 
tasted food for eight and forty hours before. As I was 
impatient to know the occasion and nature of her calamity, 
she gave me to understand, that she was a woman of the town 
by profession: that, in the course of her adventures, she 
found herself dangerously infected with a distemper to which 
all of her class are particularly subject; that her malady 
gaining ground every day, she became loathsome to herself 
and offensive to others; when she resolved to retire to some 
obscure corner, where she might be cured with as little 
noise and expense as possible; that she had accordingly 
chosen this place of retreat, and put herself into the hands 
of an advertising doctor, who having fleeced her of all the 
money she had, or could procure, left her three days ago in 
a worse condition than that in which he found her: that, 
except the clothes on her back, she had pawned or sold 
everything that belonged to her, to satisfy that rapacious 
quack, and quiet the clamour of her landlady, who still 
persisted in her threats to turn her out into the street. 
After having moralized upon these particulars, I proposed 
that she should lodge in the same room with me, an expedient 
that would save some money; and assured her I would 
undertake her cure as well as my own, during which she 
should partake of all the conveniences that I could afford 
to myself. She embraced my offer with unfeigned 
acknowledgment; and I began to put it in practice 
immediately. I found in her not only an agreeable companion, 
whose conversation greatly alleviated my chagrin, but also a 
careful nurse, who served me with the utmost fidelity and 
affection. One day, while I testified my surprise that a 
woman of her beauty, good sense, and education (for she had 
a large portion of each) could be reduced to such an 
infamous and miserable way of life as that of a prostitute - 
she answered, with a sigh, 'These very advantages were the 
cause of my undoing.' This remarkable reply inflamed my 
curiosity to such a degree, that I begged she would favour 
me with the particulars of her story, and she complied in 
these words:



Chapter 22

My father was an eminent merchant in the city, who, having 
in the course of trade suffered very considerable losses, 
retired in his old age, with his wife, to a small estate in 
the country, which he had purchased with the remains of his 
fortune. At the time I, being but eight years of age, was 
left in town for the convenience of education, boarded with 
an aunt, who was a rigid Presbyterian, and who confined me 
so closely to what she called the duties of religion, that, 
in time, I grew weary of her doctrines, and by degrees 
conceived an aversion for the good books she daily 
recommended to my perusal. As I increased in age, and 
appeared with a person not disagreeable, I contracted a good 
deal of acquaintance among my own sex, one of whom, after 
having lamented the restraint I was under from the 
narrowness of my aunt's sentiments, told me I must now throw 
off the prejudices of opinion imbibed under her influence 
and example, and learn to think for myself; to which purpose 
she advised me to read Shaftesbury, Tindal, Hobbes, and all 
the books that are remarkable for their deviation from the 
old way of thinking, and, by comparing one with another, I 
should soon be able to form a system of my own. I followed 
her advice; and, whether it was owing to my prepossession 
against what I had formerly read, or the clearness of 
argument in these my new instructors, I know not, but I 
studied them with pleasure, and in a short time became a 
professed Freethinker. Proud of my new improvement, I argued 
in all companies, and that with such success, that I soon 
acquired the reputation of a philosopher, and few people 
durst undertake me in a dispute. I grew vain upon my good 
fortune, and at length pretended to make my aunt a proselyte 
to my opinion; but she no sooner perceived my drift, than, 
taking the alarm, she wrote to my father an account of my 
heresy, and conjured him, as he tendered the good of my 
soul, to remove me immediately from the dangerous place 
where I had contracted such sinful principles. Accordingly 
my father ordered me into the country, where I arrived in 
the fifteenth year of my age; and, by his command, gave him 
a detail of all the articles of my faith, which he did not 
find so unreasonable as they had been represented. Finding 
myself suddenly deprived of the company and pleasures of the 
town, I grew melancholy, and it was some time before I could 
relish my situation. But solitude became every day more and 
more familiar to me; and I consoled myself in my retreat 
with the enjoyment of a good library, at such times as I was 
not employed in the management of the family (for my mother 
had been dead three years), in visiting, or some other part 
of rural diversion. Having more imagination than judgement, 
I addicted myself too much to poetry and romance; and, in 
short, was looked upon as a very extraordinary person by 
everybody in the country where I resided. I had one evening 
strayed, with a book in my hand, into a wood that bordered 
on the high road, at a little distance from my father's 
house, when a certain drunken squire riding by perceived me, 
and crying, 'Zounds! there's a charming creature!' alighted 
in a moment, caught me in his arms, and treated me so 
rudely, that I shrieked as loud as I could; and, in the 
meantime, opposed his violence with all the strength that 
rage and resentment could inspire. During this struggle, 
another horseman came up, who, seeing a lady so unworthily 
used, dismounted, and flew to my assistance. My ravisher, 
mad with disappointment, or provoked with the reproaches of 
the other gentleman, quitted me, and running to his horse, 
drew a pistol from the saddle, and fired at my protector, 
who happily receiving no damage, went up, and, with the butt-
end of his whip, laid him prostrate on the ground, before he 
could use the other, which his antagonist immediately 
seized, and clapping to the squire's breast, threatened to 
put him to death for his cowardice and treachery. In this 
dilemma I interposed and begged his life, which was granted 
to my request, after he had asked pardon, and swore his 
intention was only to obtain a kiss. However, my defender 
thought proper to unload the other pistol, and throw away 
the flints, before he gave him his liberty. This courteous 
stranger conducted me home, where my father, having learned 
the signal service he had done me, loaded him with caresses, 
and insisted on his lodging that night at our house. If the 
obligation he had conferred upon me justly inspired me with 
sentiments of gratitude, his appearance and conversation 
seemed to entitle him to somewhat more. He was about the age 
of two and twenty, among the tallest of the middle size; had 
chestnut-coloured hair, which he wore tied up in a ribbon; a 
high polished forehead, a nose inclining to the aquiline, 
lively blue eyes, red pouting lips, teeth as white as snow, 
and a certain openness of countenance - but what need I 
describe any more particulars of his person? I hope you will 
do me the justice to believe I do not flatter, when I say he 
was the exact resemblance of you; and, if I had not been 
well acquainted with his family and pedigree, I should have 
made no scruple of concluding that you was his brother. He 
spoke little, and seemed to have no reserve; for what he 
said was ingenuous, sensible, and uncommon. In short, said 
she, bursting into tears, he was formed for the ruin of our 
sex. His behaviour was modest and respectable; but his looks 
were so significant, that I could easily observe he secretly 
blessed the occasion that introduced him to my acquaintance. 
We learned from his discourse that he was the eldest son of 
a wealthy gentleman in the neighbourhood, to whose name we 
were no strangers; that he had been to visit an acquaintance 
in the country, from whose house he was returning home when 
my shrieks brought him to my rescue. All night long my 
imagination formed a thousand ridiculous expectations. There 
was so much of knight-errantry in this gentleman's coming to 
the relief of a damsel in distress, with whom he immediately 
became enamoured, that all I had read of love and chivalry 
recurred to my fancy, and I looked upon myself as a princess 
in some region of romance, who, being delivered from the 
power of a brutal giant or satyr by a generous Oroondates, 
was bound in gratitude, as well as led by inclination, to 
yield my affections to him without reserve. In vain did I 
endeavour to chastise these foolish conceits, by reflections 
more reasonable and severe. The amusing images took full 
possession of my mind, and my dreams represented my hero 
sighing at my feet in the language of a despairing lover. 
Next morning after breakfast he took his leave, when my 
father begged the favour of further acquaintance with him; 
to which request he replied by a compliment to him, and a 
look to me so full of eloquence and tenderness, that my 
whole soul received the soft impression. In a short time he 
repeated his visit; and, as a recital of the particular 
steps he pursued to ruin me would be too tedious and 
impertinent, let it suffice to say, he made it his business 
to insinuate himself into my esteem, by convincing me of his 
good sense, and at the same time flattering my 
understanding. This task he performed in the most artful 
manner, by seeming to contradict me often through 
misapprehension, that I might have an opportunity of 
clearing myself the more to my own honour. Having thus 
secured my good opinion, he began to give me some tokens of 
a particular passion, founded on a veneration for the 
qualities of my mind, and, as an accidental ornament, 
admired the beauties of my person; till at length, being 
fully persuaded of his conquest, he chose a proper season 
for the therne, and disclosed his love in terms so ardent 
and sincere, that it was impossible for me to disguise the 
sentiments of my heart, and he received my approbation with 
the most lively transport. After this mutual declaration, we 
contrived to meet more frequently in private interviews, 
where we enjoyed the conversation of one another, in all the 
elevation of fancy and impatience of hope that reciprocal 
adoration can inspire. He professed his honourable 
intentions, of which I made no question, lamented the 
avaricious disposition of his father, who had destined him 
for the arms of another, and vowed eternal fidelity with 
such an appearance of candour and devotion, that I became a 
dupe to his deceit, and, in an evil hour, crowned his eager 
desire with full possession. - Cursed be the day on which I 
gave away my innocence and peace for a momentary 
gratification, which has entailed upon me such misery and 
horror! cursed be my beauty, that first attracted the 
attention of my seducer! cursed be my education, that, by 
refining my sentiments, made my heart the more susceptible! 
cursed be my good sense, that fixed me to one object, and 
taught me the preference I enjoyed was but my due! Had I 
been ugly, nobody would have tempted me; had I been 
ignorant, the charms of my person would not have atoned for 
the coarseness of my conversation; had I been giddy, my 
vanity would have divided my inclinations, and my ideas 
would have been so diffused, that I should never have 
listened to the enchantments of one alone.
But, to return to my unfortunate story; we gave a loose to 
guilty pleasure, which, for some months, banished every 
other concern. At last, by degrees, his visits became less 
frequent, and his behaviour less warm. I perceived his 
coldness - my heart took the alarm - my tears reproached him 
- and I insisted upon the performance of his promise to 
espouse me, that, whatever should happen, my reputation 
might be safe. He seemed to acquiesce in my proposal, and 
left me on pretence of finding a proper clergyman to unite 
us in the bands of wedlock. But, alas! the inconstant had no 
intention to return. I waited a whole week with the utmost 
impatience; sometimes doubting his honour, at other times 
inventing excuses for him, and condemning myself for 
harbouring the least suspicion of his faith. At length I 
understood from a gentleman who dined at our house that this 
perfidious wretch was on the point of setting out for London 
with his bride, to buy clothes for their approaching 
nuptials. This information distracted me! the more so, as I 
found myself some months gone with child, and reflected that 
it would be impossible to conceal my disgrace, which would 
not only ruin the character I had acquired in the country, 
but also bring the grey hairs of an indulgent parent with 
sorrow to the grave. Rage took possession of my soul; I 
denounced a thousand imprecations and formed as many schemes 
of revenge against the traitor who had undone me! Then my 
resentment would subside into silent sorrow. I recalled the 
tranquillity I had lost, I wept over my infatuation, and 
sometimes a ray of hope would intervene, and for a moment 
cheer my drooping heart; I would revolve all the favourable 
circumstances of his character, repeat the vows he made, 
ascribe his absence to the vigilance of a suspicious father, 
who compelled him to a match his soul abhorred, and comfort 
myself with the expectation of seeing him before the thing 
should be brought to any terms of agreement. But how vain 
was my imagination! The villain left me without remorse; and 
in a few days the news of his marriage was spread all over 
the country. My horror was then inconceivable! and had not 
the desire of revenge diverted the resolution, I should 
infallibly have put an end to my miserable life. My father 
observed the symptoms of my despair; and, though I have good 
reason to believe he guessed the cause, was at a great deal 
of pains to seem ignorant of my affliction, while he 
endeavoured, with paternal fondness, to alleviate my 
distress. I saw his concern, which increased my anguish, and 
raised my fury against the author of my calamity to an 
implacable degree. Having furnished myself with a little 
money, I made an elopement from this unhappy parent in the 
night-time, and about break of day arrived at a small town, 
from whence a stagecoach set out for London, in which I 
embarked, and next day alighted in town; the spirit of 
revenge having supported me all the way against every other 
reflection. My first care was to hire a lodging, in which I 
kept myself very retired, having assumed a feigned name, 
that my character and situation might be the better 
concealed. It was not long before I found out the house of 
my ravisher, whither I immediately repaired in a transport 
of rage, determined to act some desperate deed for the 
satisfaction of my despair, though the hurry of my spirits 
would not permit me to concert or resolve upon a particular 
plan. When I demanded admission to Lothario (so let me call 
him), I was desired to send up my name and business; but 
this I refused, telling the porter I had business for his 
master's private ear. Upon which I was conducted into a 
parlour until he should be informed of my request. There I 
remained about a quarter of an hour when a servant entered, 
and told me his master was engaged with company, and begged 
to be excused at that time. My temper could hold out no 
longer; I pulled a poignard from my bosom where I had 
concealed it, and, rushing out, flew upstairs like a fury, 
exclaiming, 'Where is this perfidious villain! could I once 
plunge this dagger into his false heart, I should then die 
satisfied.' The noise I made alarmed not only the servants, 
but the company also, who, hearing my threats, came forwards 
to the staircase to see what was the matter. I was seized, 
disarmed, and withheld by two footmen; and, in this 
situation, felt the most exquisite torture in beholding my 
undoer approach with his young wife. I could not endure the 
sight, was deprived of my senses, and fell into a severe 
fit, during which I know not how I was treated; but when I 
recovered the use of reflection, found myself on a bed in a 
paltry apartment, where I was attended by an old woman, who 
asked a thousand impertinent questions relating to my 
condition; and informed me that my behaviour had thrown the 
whole family into confusion; that Lothario affirmed I was 
mad, and proposed to have me sent to Bedlam; but my lady 
persuaded herself there was more in my conduct than he cared 
should be known, and had taken to her bed on bare suspicion, 
having first ordered that I should be narrowly looked to. I 
heard all she said without making any other reply than 
desiring she would do me the favour to call a chair; but 
this, she told me, could not be done without her master's 
consent, which, however, was easily procured, and I was 
conveyed to my own lodgings in a state of mind that baffles 
all description. The agitation of my thoughts produced a 
fever, which brought on a miscarriage; and I believe it is 
well for my conscience that Heaven thus disposed of my 
burden; for, let me own to you with penitence and horror, if 
I had brought a living child into the world, my frenzy would 
have prompted me to sacrifice the little innocent to my 
resentment of the father's infidelity. After this event my 
rage abated, and my hate became more deliberate and calm; 
when, one day, my landlady informed me that there was a 
gentleman below who desired to see me, he having something 
of consequence to impart, which he was sure would contribute 
to my peace of mind. I was exceedingly alarmed at this 
declaration, which I attempted to interpret a thousand ways; 
and before I came to any determination he entered my room, 
with an apology for intruding upon me against my knowledge 
or consent. I surveyed him some time, and not being able to 
recollect his face, demanded, with a faltering accent, what 
his business was with me? Upon which he desired I would give 
him a particular audience, and he did not doubt of 
communicating something that would conduce to my 
satisfaction and repose. As I thought myself sufficiently 
guarded against any violence, I granted his request, and bid 
the woman withdraw. The stranger, then advancing, gave me to 
understand that he was well acquainted with the particulars 
of my story, having been informed of them from Lothario's 
own mouth; that, from the time he knew my misfortunes, he 
had entertained a detestation for the author of them; which 
had of late been increased and inflamed to a desire of 
revenge, by a piece of dishonourable conduct towards him; 
that, hearing of my melancholy situation, he had come with 
an intention of offering his assistance and comfort, and was 
ready to espouse my quarrel, and forthwith take vengeance on 
my seducer, provided I would grant him one consideration, 
which, he hoped, I should see no reason to refuse. Had all 
the artifice of hell been employed in composing a 
persuasive, it could not have had a more instantaneous or 
favourable effect than this discourse had upon me. I was 
transported with a delirium of gloomy joy; I hugged my 
companion in my arms, and vowed, that if he would make good 
his promise, my soul and body should be at his disposal. The 
contract was made; he devoted himself to my revenge, 
undertook to murder Lothario that very night, and to bring 
me an account of his death before morning. Accordingly, 
about two of the clock, he was introduced into my chamber, 
and assured me my perfidious lover was no more; that, 
although he was not entitled to such an honourable 
proceeding, he had fairly challenged him to the field, where 
he upbraided him with his treachery towards me, for whom, he 
told me, his sword was drawn, and after a few passes left 
him weltering in his blood. I was so savaged by my wrongs 
that I delighted in the recital of this adventure, made him 
repeat the particulars, feasted my eyes with the blood that 
remained on his clothes and sword, and yielded up my body as 
a recompense for the service he had done me. My imagination 
was so engrossed with these ideas, that in my sleep I 
dreamed Lothario appeared before me, pale, mangled, and 
bloody, blamed my rashness, protested his innocence, and 
pleaded his own cause so pathetically, that I was convinced 
of his fidelity, and waked in a horror of remorse. My 
bedfellow endeavoured to soothe, console, and persuade me 
that I had but barely done justice to myself. I dropped 
asleep again, and the same apparition returned to my fancy. 
In short, I passed the night in great misery, and looked 
upon my avenger with such abhorrence, that in the morning, 
perceiving my aversion, he insinuated that there was still a 
possibility of Lothario's recovery; it was true he left him 
wounded on the ground, but not quite dead; and perhaps his 
hurts might not be mortal. At these words I started up, bade 
him fly for intelligence, and, if he could not bring me 
tidings of Lothario's safety, at least consult his own, and 
never return, for I was resolved to surrender myself to 
justice, and declare all that I knew of the affair, that, if 
possible, I might expiate my own guilt, by incurring the 
rigours of a sincere repentance and ignominious death. He 
very coolly represented the unreasonableness of my prejudice 
against him, who had done nothing but what his love of me 
inspired, and honour justified; that now he had, at the risk 
of his life, been subservient to my revenge, I was about to 
discard him as an infamous agent occasionally necessary; and 
that, even if he should be so lucky as to bring news of 
Lothario's safety, it was probable my former resentment 
might revive, and I would upbraid him of having failed in 
his undertaking. I assured him that, on the contrary, he 
should be dearer to me than ever, as I then should be 
convinced he acted more on the principles of a man of honour 
than on those of a mercenary assassin, and scorned to take 
away the life of an adversary, how inveterate soever, which 
fortune had put in his power. 'Well, then, madam,' said he, 
'whatever may have happened, I shall find it no difficult 
matter to acquit myself in point of honour.' And took his 
leave, in order to inquire into the consequences of his 
duel. I was now more sensible than ever of the degrees of 
guilt and misery; all the affliction I had suffered hitherto 
was owing to my own credulity and weakness, and my 
conscience could not accuse me of venial crimes; but now 
that I looked upon myself as a murderer, it is impossible to 
express the terrors of my imagination, which was incessantly 
haunted by the image of the deceased, and my bosom stung 
with the most exquisite agonies, of which I saw no end. At 
length Horatio (for so I shall call my keeper) returned, 
and, telling me I had nothing to fear, delivered into my 
hands a billet containing these words:

'MADAM - As I understand it is of consequence to your peace, 
I take this liberty to inform you, that the wounds received 
from Horatio are not mortal. This satisfaction my humanity 
could not deny, even to a person who has endeavoured to 
disturb the repose, as well as destroy the life of
LOTHARIO

Being well acquainted with this hand, I had no reason to 
suspect an imposition in this letter, which I read over in a 
transport of joy, and caressed Horatio so much that he 
appeared the happiest man alive. Thus was I won from despair 
by the menaces of a greater misfortune than that which 
depressed me. Griefs are like usurpers, the most powerful 
deposes all the rest. But my raptures were not lasting; that 
very letter, which, in a manner, re-established my 
tranquillity, in a little time banished my peace. His unjust 
reproaches, while they waked my resentment, recalled my 
former happiness, and filled my soul with rage and sorrow. 
Horatio, perceiving the situation of my mind, endeavoured to 
divert my chagrin, by treating me with all the amusements 
and entertainments of the town. I was gratified with every 
indulgence I could desire, introduced into the company of 
other kept mistresses, by whom uncommon deference was paid 
to me; and I began to lose all remembrance of my former 
condition, when an accident brought it back to view, with 
all its interesting circumstances. Diverting myself one day 
with some newspapers which I had not before perused, the 
following advertisement attracted my attention:

'Whereas, a young gentlewoman disappeared from her father's 
house, in the county of --, about the end of September, on 
account, as is supposed, of some uneasiness of mind, and has 
not been as yet heard of. Whoever will give any information 
about her to Mr --, of Gray's Inn, shall be handsomely 
rewarded; or if she will return to the arms of her 
disconsolate parent, she will be received with the utmost 
tenderness, whatever reason she may have to think otherwise, 
and may be the means of prolonging the life of a father, 
already weighed down almost to the grave with age and 
sorrow.'

This pathetic remonstrance had such an effect on me, that I 
was fully resolved to return, like the prodigal son, and 
implore forgiveness of him who gave me life; but, alas! upon 
inquiry, I found he had paid his debt to nature a month 
before, lamenting my absence to his last hour, having left 
his fortune to a stranger, as a mark of his resentment of my 
unkind and undutiful behaviour. Penetrated with remorse on 
this occasion, I sank into the most profound melancholy, and 
considered myself as the immediate cause of his death. I 
lost all relish for company, and indeed most of my 
acquaintance no sooner perceived my change of temper than 
they abandoned me. Horatio, disgusted at my insensibility, 
or, which is more probable, cloyed with possession, became 
colder and colder every day, till at last he left me 
altogether, without making any apology for his conduct, or 
securing me against the miseries of want, as a man of honour 
ought to have done, considering the share he had in my ruin; 
for I afterwards learned that the quarrel between Lothario 
and him was a story trumped up to rid the one of my 
importunities, and give the other the enjoyment of my 
person, which, it seems, he lusted after, upon seeing me at 
the house of my seducer. Reduced to this extremity, I cursed 
my simplicity, uttered horrid imprecations against the 
treachery of Horatio, and, as I became every day more 
familiarized to the loss of innocence, resolved to be 
revenged on the sex in general, by practising their own arts 
upon themselves. Nor was an opportunity long wanting; an old 
gentlewoman, under pretence of sympathizing, visited me, 
and, after having condoled me on my misfortunes, and 
professed a disinterested friendship, began to display the 
art of her occupation in encomiums on my beauty, and 
invectives against the wretch who had forsaken me; 
insinuating withal, that it would be my own fault if I did 
not still make my fortune by the extraordinary 
qualifications with which nature had endowed me. I soon 
understood her drift, and gave her such encouragement to 
explain herself, that we came to an agreement immediately to 
divide the profits of my prostitution accruing from such 
gallants as she should introduce to my acquaintance. The 
first stroke of my dissimulation was practised upon a 
certain judge, to whom I was recommended by this matron as 
an innocent creature just arrived from the country. He was 
so transported with my appearance and feigned simplicity, 
that he paid a hundred guineas for the possession of me for 
one night only, during which I behaved in such a manner as 
to make him perfectly well pleased with his purchase.


Chapter 23

Her story was here interrupted by a rap at the door, which I no 
sooner opened, than three or four terrible fellows rushed in, 
one of whom accosted my fellow-lodger thus: 'Madam, your 
servant, you must do me the favour to come along with me - I 
have got a writ against you.' While the bailiff, for so he was, 
spoke thus, his followers surrounded the prisoner, and began to 
handle her very roughly. This treatment incensed me so much, 
that I snatched up the poker, and would certainly have used it 
in defence of the lady, without any regard to the strength and 
number of her adversaries, had she not begged me, with a 
composure of countenance for which I could not account, to 
use no violence in her behalf, which could be of no service to 
her, but might be very detrimental to myself. Then, turning to 
the leader of this formidable troop, she desired to see the writ, 
and having perused it, said, with a faltering voice, 'I am not the 
person whose name is here mentioned; arrest me at your peril.' 
'At, ay, madam,' replied the catchpole, 'we shall prove your 
identity. In the meantime, whether will you be pleased to be 
carried to my house, or to jail?' 'If I must be confined,' said she, 
'I would rather be in your house than in a common jail.' 'Well, 
well,' answered he, 'if you have money enough in your pocket, 
you shall be entertained like a princess.' But when she 
acquainted him with her poverty, he swore he never gave 
credit, and ordered one of his myrmidons to call a coach to 
carry her to the Marshalsea at once. While they waited for the 
convenience, she took me aside, and bade me be under no 
concern on her account, for she knew how to extricate herself 
from this difficulty very soon, and, perhaps, gain something by 
the occasion. Although her discourse was a mystery to me, I 
was very well pleased with her assurance, and when the coach 
came to the door, offered to accompany her to prison; to which 
proposal, after much entreaty, she consented. When we arrived 
at the gate of the Marshalsea, our conductor alighted, and 
having demanded entrance, presented the writ to the turnkey, 
who no sooner perceived the name of Elizabeth Cary, than he 
cried, 'Ah, hah! my old acquaintance, Bett! - I am glad to see 
thee with all my heart.' So saying, he opened the coach door, 
and helped her to dismount; but when he observed her face, he 
started back, saying, 'Zounds! who have we got here?' The 
bailiff, alarmed at this interrogation, cried, with some emotion, 
'Who the devil should it be, but the prisoner, Elizabeth Cary?' 
The turnkey replied, 'That Elizabeth Cary! - I'll be damned if 
that's Elizabeth Cary, more than my grandmother. Damn my 
blood, I know Bett Cary as well as if I had made her.' Here the 
lady thought fit to interpose and tell the catchpole, if he had 
taken her word for it at first, he might have saved himself and 
her a great deal of trouble. 'It may be so,' answered he, 'but, by 
God, I'll have further evidence that you are not the person 
before you and I part.' 'Yes, yes,' said she, 'you shall have 
further evidence to your cost.' Then we adjourned into the 
lodge, and called for a bottle of wine, where my companion 
wrote a direction to two of her acquaintance, and begged the 
favour of me to go to their lodgings, and request them to come 
to her immediately. I found them together in a house in 
Bridges Street, Drury Lane; and as they were luckily 
unengaged, they set out with me in a hackney-coach, without 
hesitation, after I had related the circumstances of the affair, 
which flattered them with the hopes of seeing a bailiff 
trounced; for there is an antipathy as natural between the 
whores and bailiffs, as that subsisting between mice and cats. 
Accordingly, when they entered the lodge, they embraced the 
prisoner very affectionately by the name of Nancy Williams, 
and asked how long she had been nabbed, and for what? On 
hearing the particulars of her adventure repeated, they offered 
to swear before a justice of peace that she was not the person 
mentioned in the writ, whom, it seems, they all knew; but the 
bailiff, who was by this time convinced of his mistake, told 
them that he would not put them to that trouble. 'Ladies,' said 
he, 'there's no harm done; you shall give me leave to treat you 
with another bottle, and then we'll part friends.' This proposal 
was not at all relished by the sisterhood; and Miss Williams 
told him, sure he did not imagine her such a fool as to be 
satisfied with a paltry glass of sour wine. Here the turnkey 
interrupted her, by affirming with an oath, that the wine was as 
good as ever was tipped over tongue. 'Well,' continued she, 
'that may be, but was it the best of champagne, it is no 
recompense for the damage I have suffered, both in character 
and health, by being wrongfully dragged to jail. At this rate, no 
innocent person is safe, since an officer of justice, out of 
malice, private pique, or mistake, may injure and oppress the 
subject with impunity. But, thank heaven, I live under the 
protection of laws that will not suffer such insults to pass 
unpunished, and I know very well how to procure redress.' Mr 
Vulture (for that was the bailiff's name), finding he had to deal 
with one who would not be imposed upon, began to look very 
sullen and perplexed, and leaning his forehead on his hand, 
entered into a deliberation with himself, which lasted a few 
minutes, and then broke out in a volley of dreadful curses 
against the old b-ch , our landlady, as he called her, for having 
misinformed him. After much wrangling and swearing, the 
matter was referred to the decision of the turnkey, who, calling 
for the other bottle, mulcted the bailiff in all the liquor that had 
been drank, coach-hire, and a couple of guineas, for the use of 
the plaintiff. The money was immediately deposited; Miss 
Williams gratified the two evidences with one half, and, 
putting the other in her pocket, drove home with me, leaving 
the catchpole grumbling over his loss, yet pleased in the main, 
for having so cheaply got clear of a business that might have 
cost him ten times the sum, and his place to boot. This guinea 
was a very seasonable relief to us, who were reduced to great 
necessity, six of my shirts, and almost all my clothes, except 
those on my back, having been either pawned or sold for our 
maintenance, before this happened. As we resented the 
behaviour of our landlady, our first care was to provide 
ourselves with another lodging, whither we removed the next 
day, with an intention to keep ourselves as retired as possible, 
until our cure should be completed. When we were fixed in our 
new habitation, I entreated her to finish the story of her life, 
which she pursued in this manner: The success of our 
experiment on the judge encouraged us to practise the same 
deceit on others, and my virginity was five times sold to good 
purpose. But this harvest lasted not long, my character taking 
air, and my directress deserting me for some new game. Then I 
took lodgings near Charing Cross, at two guineas per week, 
and began to entertain company in a public manner; but my 
income being too small to defray my expense, I was obliged to 
retrench, and enter into articles with the porters of certain 
taverns, who undertook to find employment enough for me, 
provided I would share my profits with them. Accordingly, I 
was almost every night engaged with company, among whom I 
was exposed to every mortification, danger, and abuse, that 
flows from drunkenness, brutality, and disease. How miserable 
is the condition of a courtesan, whose business it is to soothe, 
suffer, and obey the dictates of rage, insolence, and lust! As my 
spirit was not sufficiently humbled to the will, nor my temper 
calculated for the conversation of my gallants, it was 
impossible for me to overcome an aversion I felt for my 
profession, which manifested itself in a settled gloom on my 
countenance, and disgusted those sons of mirth and riot so 
much, that I was frequently used in a shocking manner, and 
kicked downstairs with disgrace. The messengers seeing me 
disagreeable to their benefactors and employers, seldom 
troubled me with a call, and I began to find myself almost 
totally neglected. To contribute towards my support, I was fain 
to sell my watch, rings, trinkets, with the best part of my 
clothes; and I was one evening musing by myself on the misery 
before me, when I received a message from a bagnio, whither I 
repaired in a chair, and was introduced to a gentleman dressed 
like an officer, with whom I supped in a sumptuous manner, 
and, after drinking a hearty glass of champagne, went to bed. 
In the morning, when I awoke, I found my gallant had got up, 
and, drawing aside the curtain, could not perceive him in the 
room. This circumstance gave me some uneasiness; but as he 
might have retired on some necessary occasion, I waited a full 
hour for his return, and then in the greatest perplexity rose up 
and rang the bell. When the waiter came to the door he found it 
locked, and desired admittance, which I granted, after 
observing, with great surprise, that the key remained on the 
inside, as when we went to bed. I no sooner inquired for the 
captain, than the fellow, staring with a distracted look, cried, 
'How, madam! is not he a-bed?' And when he was satisfied as 
to that particular, ran into a closet adjoining to the chamber, the 
window of which he found open. Through this the adventurer 
had got upon a wall, from whence he dropped down into a 
court and escaped, leaving me to be answerable, not only for 
the reckoning, but also for a large silver tankard and posset 
bowl, which he had carried off with him. It is impossible to 
describe the consternation I was under, when I saw myself 
detained as a thief's accomplice; for I was looked upon in that 
light, and carried before a justice, who, mistaking my 
confusion for a sign of guilt, committed me, after a short 
examination, to Bridewell, having advised me, as the only 
means to save my life, to turn evidence and impeach my 
confederate. I now concluded the vengeance of Heaven had 
overtaken me, and that I must soon finish my career by an 
ignominious death. This reflection sunk so deep into my soul, 
that I was for some days deprived of my reason, and actually 
believed myself in hell, tormented by fiends: indeed, there 
needs not a very extravagant imagination to form that idea; for, 
of all the scenes on earth, that of Bridewell approaches nearest 
the notion I had always entertained of the infernal regions. 
Here I saw nothing but rage, anguish, and impiety; and heard 
nothing but groans, curses, and blasphemy. In the midst of this 
hellish crew, I was subjected to the tyranny of a barbarian, who 
imposed upon me tasks that I could not possibly perform, and 
then punished my incapacity with the utmost rigour and 
inhumanity. I was often whipped into a swoon, and lashed out 
of it, during which miserable intervals I was robbed by my 
fellow-prisoners of everything about me, even to my cap, 
shoes, and stockings: I was not only destitute of necessaries, 
but even of food; so that my wretchedness was extreme. Not 
one of my acquaintance, to whom I imparted my situation, 
would grant me the least succour or regard, on pretence of my 
being committed for theft; and my landlord refused to part with 
some of my own clothes, which I sent for, because I was 
indebted to him for a week's lodging. Overwhelmed with 
calamity, I grew desperate, and resolved to put an end to my 
grievances and life together: for this purpose I got up in the 
middle of the night, when I thought everybody around me 
asleep, and fixing one end of my handkerchief to a large hook 
in the ceiling, that supported the scales on which the hemp is 
weighed, I stood upon a chair, and making a noose on the other 
end, put my neck into it, with an intention to hang myself; but 
before I could adjust the knot, I was surprised and prevented 
by two women who had been awake all the while, and 
suspected my design. In the morning my attempt was published 
among the prisoners and punished with thirty stripes; the pain 
of which co-operating with my disappointment and disgrace, 
bereft me of my senses, and threw me into an ecstasy of 
madness, during which I tore the flesh from my bones with my 
teeth, and dashed my head against the pavement; so that they 
were obliged to set a watch over me, to restrain me from doing 
further mischief to myself and others. This fit of frenzy 
continued three days, at the end of which I grew calm and 
sullen; but, as the desire of making away with myself still 
remained, I came to a determination of starving myself to 
death, and with that view refused all sustenance. Whether it 
was owing to the want of opposition, or to the weakness of 
nature, I know not, but on the second day of my fast I found 
my resolution considerably impaired, and the calls of hunger 
almost insupportable. At this critical juncture, a lady was 
brought into the prison with whom I had contracted an 
acquaintance while I lived with Horatio: she was then on the 
same footing as I was, but afterwards quarrelling with her 
gallant, and not finding another to her mind, altered her 
scheme of life, and set up her coffee-house among the 
hundreds of Drury, where she entertained gentlemen with 
claret, arrack, and the choice of half a dozen of damsels, who 
lived in her house. This serviceable matron having neglected to 
gratify a certain justice for the connivance she enjoyed, was 
indicted at the quarter sessions, in consequence of which her 
bevy was dispersed, and herself committed to Bridewell. She 
had not been long there, before she learned my disaster, and 
coming up to me, after a compliment of condolence, inquired 
into the particulars of my fate. While we were engaged in 
discourse together, the master came and told me that the fellow 
on whose account I had suffered was taken; that he had 
confessed the theft, and cleared me of any concern in the 
affair; for which reason, he, the master, had orders to discharge 
me; and that I was from that moment free. This piece of news 
soon banished all thoughts of death, and had such an 
instantaneous effect on my countenance, that Mrs Coupler (the 
lady then present), hoping to find her account in me, very 
generously offered to furnish me with what necessaries I 
wanted, and take me into her own house, as soon as she should 
compromise matters with the justices. The conditions of her 
offer were, that I should pay three guineas weekly for my 
board, and a reasonable consideration besides for the use of 
such clothes and ornaments as she should supply me with, to 
be deducted from the first profits of my embraces. These were 
hard terms; but not to be rejected by one who was turned out 
helpless and naked into the wide world, without a friend to pity 
or assist her. I therefore embraced her proposal; and she being 
bailed in a few hours, took me home with her in a coach. As I 
was by this time conscious of having formerly disgusted my 
admirers by my reserved and haughty behaviour, I now 
endeavoured to conquer that disposition; and the sudden 
change of my fortune giving me a flow of spirits, I appeared in 
the most winning and gay manner I could assume. Having the 
advantage of a good voice and education, I exerted my talents 
to the uttermost, and soon became the favourite with all 
company. This success alarmed the pride and jealousy of Mrs 
Coupler, who could not bear the thoughts of being eclipsed; 
she therefore made a merit of her envy, and whispered among 
the customers that I was unsound. There needed no more to 
ruin my reputation and blast my prosperity; everybody 
shunned me with marks of aversion and disdain; and, in a very 
short time, I was as solitary as ever. Want of gallants was 
attended with want of money to satisfy my malicious landlady, 
who, having purposely given me credit to the amount of eleven 
pounds, took out a writ against me, and I was arrested in her 
own house. Though the room was crowded with people when 
the bailiff entered, not one of them had compassion enough to 
mollify my prosecutrix, far less to pay the debt. They even 
laughed at my tears; and one of them bade me be of good 
cheer, for I should not want admirers in Newgate. At that 
instant, a sea lieutenant carne in, and seeing my plight, began 
to inquire into the circumstances of my misfortune; when this 
wit advised him to keep clear of me, for I was a fire-ship. 'A 
fire-ship!' replied the sailor; 'more like a poor galley in distress, 
that has been boarded by such a fire-ship as you; if so be as 
that is the case, she stands in more need of assistance. Harkee, 
my girl, how far have you over-run the constable?' I told him 
that the debt amounted to eleven pounds, besides the expense 
of the writ - 'An' that be all,' said he, 'you shan't go to the 
bilboes this bout.' And taking out his purse, paid the money, 
discharged the bailiff, and telling me I had got into the wrong 
port, advised me to seek out a more convenient harbour, where 
I could be safely hove down, for which purpose he made me a 
present of five guineas more. I was so touched with this 
singular piece of generosity, that, for some time, I had not 
power to thank him. However, as soon as I had recollected 
myself, I begged the favour of him to go with me to the next 
tavern, where I explained the nature of my disaster, and 
convinced him of the falsehood of what was reported to my 
prejudice so effectually, that he from that moment attached 
himself to me; and we lived in great harmony together, until he 
was obliged to go to sea, where he perished in a storm. Having 
lost my benefactor, and almost consumed the remains of his 
bounty, I saw myself in danger of relapsing into my former 
necessity, and began to be very uneasy at the prospect of 
bailiffs and jails; when one of the sisterhood, a little stale, 
advised me to take lodgings in a part of the town where I was 
unknown, and pass for an heiress, by which artifice I might 
entrap somebody to be my husband, who would possibly be 
able to allow me a handsome maintenance, or at worst screen 
me from the dread and danger of a prison, by becoming liable 
for whatever debts I should contract. I approved of this 
scheme, towards the execution of which my companion 
clubbed her wardrobe, and undertook to live with me in quality 
of my maid; with the proviso that she should be reimbursed, 
and handsomely considered out of the profits of my success. 
She was immediately detached to look out for a convenient 
place, and that very day hired a genteel apartment in Park 
Street, where I moved in a coach loaded with her baggage and 
my own. I made my first appearance in a blue riding-habit 
trimmed with silver; and my maid acted her part so artfully, 
that, in a day or two, my fame was spread all over the 
neighbourhood, and I was said to be a rich heiress just arrived 
from the country. This report brought a swarm of gay young 
fellows about me; but I soon found them out to be all indigent 
adventurers like myself, who crowded to me like crows to a 
carrion, with a view of preying upon my fortune. I maintained, 
however, the appearance of wealth as long as possible, in 
hopes of gaining some admirer more for my purpose; and at 
length attracted the regard of one who would have satisfied my 
wishes; and managed matters so well, that a day was actually 
fixed for our nuptials. In the interim, he begged leave to 
introduce an intimate friend to me; which request I could not 
refuse. I had the extreme mortification and surprise to see next 
night, in that friend, my old keeper, Horatio; who no sooner 
beheld me, than he changed colour; but had presence of mind 
to advance and salute me, bidding me, with a low voice, be 
under no apprehension, for he would not expose me. In spite of 
this assurance, I could not recover myself so far as to entertain 
them, but withdrew to my chamber, on pretence of a severe 
headache, to the no small concern of my adorer, who took his 
leave in the tenderest manner, and went off with his friend. 
Having imparted my situation to my companion, she found it 
high time for us to decamp, and that without any noise, 
because we were not only indebted to our landlady, but also to 
several tradesmen in the neighbourhood. Our retreat, therefore, 
was concerted and executed in this manner: - having packed 
up all our clothes and movables in small parcels, she, on 
pretence of fetching cordials for me, carried them, at several 
times, to the house of an acquaintance, where she likewise 
procured a lodging, to which we retired in the middle of the 
night, when every other body in the house was asleep. I was 
now obliged to aim at lower game, and accordingly spread my 
nets among tradespeople; but found them all too phlegmatic or 
cautious for my art and attractions; till at last I became 
acquainted with you, on whom I practised all my dexterity; not 
that I believed you had any fortune, or expectation of one, but 
that I might transfer the burden of such debts as I had incurred, 
or should contract, from myself to another; and at the same 
time avenge myself of your sex, by rendering miserable one 
who bore such a resemblance to the wretch who ruined me - 
but Heaven preserved you from my snares, by the discovery 
you made, which was owing to the negligence of my maid in 
leaving the chamber door unlocked, when she went to buy 
sugar for breakfast. The person in bed with me was a 
gentleman whom I had allured the night before, as he walked 
homeward, pretty much elevated with liquor; for by this time 
my condition was so low, that I was forced to turn out in the 
twilight in the streets, in hopes of prey. When I found myself 
detected and forsaken by you, I was fain to move my lodging, 
and dwell two pair of steps higher than before. My companion, 
being disappointed in her expectations, left me, to trade upon 
her own bottom, and I had no other resource than to venture 
forth like the owls in the dark, to pick up a precarious and 
uncomfortable subsistence. I have often sauntered between 
Ludgate Hill and Charing Cross a whole winter night, exposed 
not only to the inclemency of the weather, but likewise to the 
rage of hunger and thirst, without being so happy as to meet 
with one cully; then creep up to my garret in a deplorable 
draggled condition, sneak to bed, and try to bury my appetite 
and sorrows in sleep. When I lighted on some rake or 
tradesman reeling home drunk, I frequently suffered the most 
brutal treatment, in spite of which I was obliged to affect gaiety 
and good humour, though my soul was stung with resentment 
and disdain, and my heart loaded with grief and affliction. In 
the course of these nocturnal adventures, I was infected with 
the disease that, in a short time, rendered me the object of my 
own abhorrence, and drove me to the retreat where your 
benevolence rescued me from the jaws of death.
So much candour and good sense appeared in this lady's 
narration, that I made no scruple of believing every syllable of 
what she said; and expressed my astonishment at the variety of 
miseries she had undergone in so little time; for all her 
misfortunes had happened within the compass of two years. I 
compared her situation with my own, and found it a thousand 
times more wretched. I had endured hardships, 'tis true; my 
whole life had been a series of such; and when I looked 
forward, the prospect was not much bettered; but then they 
were become habitual to me, and consequently I could bear 
them with less difficulty. If one scheme of life should not 
succeed, I could have recourse to another, and so to a third, 
veering about to a thousand different shifts, according to the 
emergencies of my fate, without forfeiting the dignity of my 
character beyond a power of retrieving it, or subjecting myself 
wholly to the caprice and barbarity of the world. On the other 
hand, she had known and relished the sweets of prosperity; she 
had been brought up under the wings of an indulgent parent, in 
all the delicacies to which her sex and rank entitled her; and, 
without any extravagance of hope, entertained herself with the 
view of uninterrupted happiness through the whole scene of 
life. How fatal then, how tormenting, how intolerable must her 
reverse of fortune be! - a reverse that not only robs her of these 
external comforts, and plunges her into all the miseries of 
want, but also murders her peace of mind, and entails upon her 
the curse of eternal infamy! Of all professions, I pronounce 
that of a courtesan the most deplorable, and her of all 
courtesans the most unhappy. She allowed my observation to 
be just in the main, but at the same time affirmed, that, 
notwithstanding the disgraces which had fallen to her share, 
she had not been so unlucky in the condition of a prostitute, as 
many others of the same community. 'I have often seen,' said 
she, 'while I strolled about the streets at midnight, a number of 
naked wretches reduced to rags and filth, huddled together like 
swine in a corner of a dark alley; some of whom, but eighteen 
months before, I had known the favourites of the town, rolling 
in affluence, and glittering in all the pomp of equipage and 
dress. And indeed the gradation is easily conceived. The most 
fashionable woman of the town is as liable to contagion as one 
in a much humbler sphere; she infects her admirers, her 
situation is public; she is avoided, neglected, unable to support 
her usual appearance, which, however, she strives to maintain 
as long as possible; her credit fails; she is obliged to retrench, 
and become a night-walker; her malady gains ground; she 
tampers with her constitution and ruins it; her complexion 
fades; she grows nauseous to everybody; finds herself reduced 
to a starving condition; is tempted to pick pockets; is detected; 
committed to Newgate, where she remains in a miserable 
condition till she is discharged, because the plaintiff will not 
appear to prosecute her. Nobody will afford her lodgings; the 
symptoms of her distemper are grown outrageous; she sues to 
be admitted into an hospital, where she is cured at the expense 
of her nose; she is turned out naked into the streets, depends 
upon the addresses of the lowest class, is fain to allay the rage 
of hunger and cold with gin; degenerates into a brutal 
insensibility, rots and dies upon a dunghill. Miserable wretch 
that I am! perhaps the same horrors are decreed for me! No,' 
cried she, after some pause, 'I shall never live to such extremity 
of distress! my own hand shall open a way for my deliverance, 
before I arrive at that forlorn period!' Her condition filled me 
with sympathy and compassion; I revered her qualifications, 
looked upon her as unfortunate, not criminal, and attended her 
with such care and success, that, in less than two months, her 
health, as well as my own, was perfectly re-established. As we 
often conferred upon our mutual affairs, and interchanged 
advice, a thousand different projects were formed, which, upon 
further canvassing, appeared impracticable. We would have 
gladly gone to service; but who would take us in without 
recommendation? At length an expedient occurred to her, of 
which she intended to lay hold; and this was to procure, with 
the first money she should earn, the homely garb of a country 
wench, go to some village at a good distance from town, and 
come up in a wagon, as a fresh girl for service; by which 
means she might be provided for in a manner much more 
suitable to her inclination than her present way of life.


Chapter 24

I applauded the resolution of Miss Williams, who, a few days 
after, was hired in quality of bar-keeper by one of the 
ladies who had witnessed in her behalf at the Marshalsea, 
and who since that time had got credit with a wine merchant, 
whose favourite she was, to set up a convenient house of her 
own. Thither my fellow-lodger repaired, after having taken 
leave of me with a torrent of tears, and a thousand 
protestations of eternal gratitude; assuring me she would 
remain in this situation no longer than she should pick up 
money sufficient to put her other design in execution.
As for my own part, I saw no resource but the army or navy, 
between which I hesitated so long, that I found myself 
reduced to a starving condition. My spirit began to 
accommodate itself to my beggarly fate, and I became so mean 
as to go down towards Wapping, with an intention to inquire 
for an old schoolfellow, who, I understood, had got the 
command of a small coasting vessel, then in the river, and 
implore his assistance. But my destiny prevented this abject 
piece of behaviour; for, as I crossed Tower Wharf, a squat 
tawny fellow, with a hanger by his side, and a cudgel in his 
hand, came up to me, calling, 'Yo, ho! brother, you must 
come along with me.' As I did not like his appearance, 
instead of answering his salutation, I quickened my pace, in 
hope of ridding myself of his company; upon which he 
whistled aloud, and immediately another sailor appeared 
before me, who laid hold of me by the collar and began to 
drag me along. Not being of a humour to relish such 
treatment, I disengaged myself of the assailant, and with 
one blow of my cudgel, laid him motionless on the ground; 
and perceiving myself surrounded in a trice by ten or a 
dozen more, exerted myself with such dexterity and success, 
that some of my opponents were fain to attack me with drawn 
cutlasses; and, after an obstinate engagement, in which I 
received a large wound on my head, and another on my left 
cheek, I was disarmed, taken prisoner, and carried on board 
a pressing tender, where, after being pinioned like a 
malefactor, I was thrust down into the hold among a parcel 
of miserable wretches, the sight of whom well-nigh 
distracted me. As the commanding officer had not humanity 
enough to order my wounds to be dressed, and I could not use 
my own hands, I desired one of my fellow-captives, who was 
unfettered, to take a handkerchief out of my pocket and tie 
it round my head to stop the bleeding. He pulled out my 
handkerchief, 'tis true; but, instead of applying it to the 
use for which I designed it, went to the grating of the 
hatchway, and with astonishing composure, sold it before my 
face to a bum-boat woman then on board, for a quart of gin, 
with which he treated my companions, regardless of my 
circumstances and entreaties.
I complained bitterly of this robbery to the midshipman on 
deck, telling him at the same time, that unless my hurts 
were dressed I should bleed to death. But compassion was a 
weakness of which no man could justly accuse this person, 
who, squirting a mouthful of dissolved tobacco upon me 
through the gratings, told me, 'I was a mutinous dog, and 
that I might die and be damned.' Finding there was no other 
remedy, I appealed to patience, and laid up this usage in my 
memory, to be recalled at a fitter season. In the meantime, 
loss of blood, vexation, and want of food contributed, with 
the noisome stench of the place, to throw me into a swoon; 
out of which I was recovered by a tweak of the nose, 
administered by the tar who stood sentinel over us, who at 
the same time regaled me with a draught of flip, and 
comforted me with the hopes of being put on board the 
Thunder next day, where I should be freed of my handcuffs, 
and cured of my wounds by the doctor. I no sooner heard him 
name the Thunder, than I asked if he had belonged to that 
ship long? and he giving me to understand he had belonged to 
her five years, I inquired if he knew Lieutenant Bowling? 
'Know Lieutenant Bowling,' said he - 'odds my life! and that 
I do! and a good seaman he is, as ever stepped upon 
forecastle - and a brave fellow as ever cracked bisket; none 
of your Guinea pigs - nor your fresh-water, wishy-washy, 
fair-weather fowls. Many a taut gale of wind has honest Tom 
Bowling and I weathered together. Here's his health with all 
my heart, wherever he is, aloft or alow - in heaven or in 
hell - all's one for that - he needs not be ashamed to show 
himself.' I was so much affected with this eulogium, that I 
could not refrain from telling him that I was Lieutenant 
Bowling's kinsman; in consequence of which connection he 
expressed an inclination to serve me, and, when he was 
relieved, brought some cold boiled beef in a platter, and 
biscuit, on which we supped plentifully, and afterwards 
drank another can of flip together. While we were thus 
engaged, he recounted a great many exploits of my uncle, 
who, I found, was very much beloved by the ship's company, 
and pitied for the misfortune that had happened to him in 
Hispaniola, which I was very glad to be informed was not so 
great as I imagined; for Captain Oakum had recovered of his 
wounds, and actually at that time commanded the ship. 
Having, by accident, in my pocket, my uncle's letter, 
written from Port Louis, I gave it to my benefactor, whose 
name was Jack Rattlin, for his perusal; but honest Jack told 
me frankly he could not read, and desired to know the 
contents; which I immediately communicated. When he heard 
that part of it in which he says he had writ to his landlord 
in Deal, he cried, 'Body o' me! - that was old Ben Block - 
he was dead before the letter came to hand. Ey, ey, had Ben 
been alive, Lieutenant Bowling would have had no occasion to 
skulk so long. Honest Ben was the first man that taught him 
to hand, reef, and steer. - Well, well, we must all die, 
that's certain - we must all come to port sooner or later - 
at sea, or on shore; we must be fast moored one day; death's 
like the best bower anchor, as the saying is, it will bring 
us all up.' I could not but signify my approbation of the 
justness of Jack's reflections; and inquired into the 
occasion of the quarrel between Captain Oakum and my uncle; 
which he explained in this manner: 'Captain Oakum, to be 
sure, is a good man enough - besides he's my commander - but 
what's that to me? - I do my duty, and value no man's anger 
of a rope's end. - Now the report goes, as how he's a lord, 
or baron knight's brother, whereby, d'ye see me, he carries 
a strait arm, and keeps aloof from his officers, tho'f, 
mayhap, they may be as good men in the main as he. Now we 
lying at anchor in Tuberoon Bay, Lieutenant Bowling had the 
middle watch, and as he always kept a good look-out, he 
made, d'ye see, three lights in the offing, whereby he ran 
down to the great cabin for orders, and found the captain 
asleep; whereupon he waked him, which put him in a main high 
passion, and he swore woundily at the lieutenant, and called 
him a lousy Scotch son of a whore (for I being then sentinel 
in the steerage, heard all), and swab, and lubber, whereby 
the lieutenant returned the salute, and they jawed together, 
fore and aft, a good spell, till at last the captain turned 
out, and laying hold of a rattan came athwart Mr Bowling's 
quarter; whereby he told the captain, that, if he was not 
his commander, he would heave him overboard, and demanded 
satisfaction ashore; whereby, in the morning watch, the 
captain went ashore in the pinnace, and afterwards the 
lieutenant carried the cutter ashore; and so they, leaving 
their boats' crews on their oars, went away together; and 
so, d'ye see, in less than a quarter of an hour we heard 
firing, whereby we made for the place, and found the captain 
lying wounded on the beach, and so brought him on board to 
the doctor, who cured him in less than six weeks. But the 
lieutenant clapped on all the sail he could bear, and had 
got far enow ahead before we knew anything of the matter; so 
that we could never after get sight of him, for which we 
were not sorry, because the captain was mainly wroth, and 
would certainly have done him a mischief - for he afterwards 
caused him to be run on the ship's books, whereby he lost 
all his pay, and if he should be taken, would be tried as a 
deserter.'
This account of the captain's behaviour gave me no 
advantageous idea of his character; and I could not help 
lamenting my own fate, that had subjected me to such a 
commander. However, making a virtue of necessity, I put a 
good face on the matter, and next day was, with the other 
pressed men, put on board of the Thunder, lying at the Nore. 
When we came alongside, the mate who guarded us thither 
ordered my handcuffs to be taken off, that I might get on 
board the easier. This circumstance being perceived by some 
of the company, who stood upon the gang-boards to see us 
enter? one of them called to Jack Rattlin, who was busied in 
doing this friendly office for me, 'Hey, Jack, what Newgate 
galley have you boarded in the river as you came along? Have 
we not thieves enow among us already?' Another, observing my 
wounds, which remained exposed to the air, told me that my 
seams were uncaulked, and that I must be new payed. A third, 
seeing my hair clotted together with blood, as it were, into 
distinct cords, took notice that my bows were manned with 
red ropes, instead of my side. A fourth asked me if I could 
not keep my yards square without iron braces? And, in short, 
a thousand witticisms of the same nature were passed upon me 
before I could get up the ship's side. After we had been all 
entered upon the ship's books, I inquired of one of my 
shipmates where the surgeon was, that I might have my wounds 
dressed, and had actually got as far as the middle deck (for 
our ship carried eighty guns), in my way to the cockpit, 
when I was met by the same midshipman who had used me so 
barbarously in the tender. He, seeing me free from my 
chains, asked, with an insolent air, who had released me? To 
this question I foolishly answered, with a countenance that 
too plainly declared the state of my thoughts, 'Whoever did 
it, I am persuaded did not consult you in the affair.' I had 
no sooner uttered these words, than he cried, 'Damn you, you 
saucy son of a bitch, I'll teach you to talk so to your 
officer.' So saying, he bestowed on me several severe 
stripes with a supple-jack he had in his hand; and, going to 
the commanding officer, made such a report of me, that I was 
immediately put in irons by the master-at-arms, and a 
sentinel placed over me. Honest Rattlin, as soon as he heard 
of my condition, came to me, and administered all the 
consolation he could, and then went to the surgeon in my 
behalf, who sent one of his mates to dress my wounds. This 
mate was no other than my old friend Thomson, with whom I 
became acquainted at the Navy Office, as before mentioned. 
If I knew him at first sight, it was not easy for him to 
recognize me, disfigured with blood and dirt, and altered by 
the misery I had undergone. Unknown as I was to him, he 
surveyed me with looks of compassion, and handled my sores 
with great tenderness. When he had applied what he thought 
proper, and was about to leave me, I asked him if my 
misfortunes had disguised me so much that he could not 
recollect my face? Upon this address, he observed me with 
great earnestness for some time, and at length protested he 
could not recollect one feature of my countenance. To keep 
him no longer in suspense, I told him my name; which, when 
he heard, he embraced me with affection, and professed his 
sorrow in seeing me in such a disagreeable situation. I made 
him acquainted with my story; and when he heard how 
inhumanly I had been used in the tender, he left me 
abruptly, assuring me I should see him again soon. I had 
scarce time to wonder at his sudden departure, when the 
master-at-arms came to the place of my confinement, and bade 
me follow him to the quarter-deck, where I was examined by 
the first lieutenant, who commanded the ship in the absence 
of the captain, touching the treatment I had received in the 
tender from my friend the midshipman, who was present to 
confront me. I recounted the particulars of his behaviour to 
me, not only in the tender, but since my being on board the 
ship, part of which being proved by the evidence of Jack 
Rattlin, and others who had no great devotion for my 
oppressor, I was discharged from confinement, to make way 
for him, who was delivered to the master-at-arms to take his 
turn in the bilboes. And this was not the only satisfaction 
I enjoyed; for I was, at the request of the surgeon, 
exempted from all other duty than that of assisting his 
mates in making and administering medicines to the sick. 
This good office I owed to the friendship of Mr Thomson, who 
had represented me in such a favourable light to the 
surgeon, that he demanded me of the lieutenant to supply the 
place of his third mate, who was lately dead. When I had 
obtained this favour, my friend Thomson carried me down to 
the cockpit, which is the place allotted for the habitation 
of the surgeon's mates; and when he had shown me their 
berth, as he called it, I was filled with astonishment and 
horror. We descended by divers ladders to a space as dark as 
a dungeon, which I understood was immersed several feet 
under water, being immediately above the hold. I had no 
sooner approached this dismal gulf, than my nose was saluted 
with an intolerable stench of putrefied cheese and rancid 
butter, that issued from an apartment at the foot of the 
ladder, resembling a chandler's shop, where, by the faint 
glimmering of a candle, I could perceive a man with a pale 
meagre countenance, sitting behind a kind of desk, having 
spectacles on his nose, and a pen in his hand. This, I 
learned of Mr Thomson, was the ship's steward, who sat there 
to distribute provision to the several messes, and to mark 
what each received. He therefore presented my name to him, 
and desired I might be entered in his mess; then, taking a 
light in his hand, conducted me to the place of his 
residence, which was a square of about six feet, surrounded 
with the medicine chest, that of the first mate, his own, 
and a board, by way of table, fastened to the after powder-
room; it was also enclosed with canvas, nailed round to the 
beams of the ship, to screen us from the cold, as well as 
from the view of the midshipmen and quarter-masters, who 
lodged within the cable-tiers on each side of us. In this 
gloomy mansion, he entertained me with some cold salt pork, 
which he brought from a sort of locker fixed above the 
table; and, calling for the boy of the mess, sent for a can 
of beer, of which he made excellent flip to crown the 
banquet. By this time I began to recover my spirits, which 
had been exceedingly depressed by the appearance of 
everything about me, and could no longer refrain from asking 
the particulars of Mr Thomson's fortune since I had seen him 
in London. He told me that, being disappointed in his 
expectations of borrowing money to gratify the rapacious 
secretary at the Navy Office, he found himself utterly 
unable to subsist any longer in town, and had actually 
offered his service in quality of mate to the surgeon of a 
merchant's ship bound to Guinea, on the slaving trade; when, 
one morning a young fellow, of whom he had some 
acquaintance, came to his lodgings, and informed him that he 
had seen a warrant made out in his name at the Navy Office 
for surgeon's second mate of a third rate. This unexpected 
piece of good news he could scarcely believe to be true, 
more especially as he had been found qualified at Surgeons' 
Hall for third mate only; but, that he might not be wanting 
to himself, he went thither to be assured, and actually 
found it so. Whereupon, demanding his warrant, it was 
delivered to him, and the oaths administered immediately. 
That very afternoon he went to Gravesend in the tiltboat, 
from whence he took a place in the tide-coach for Rochester; 
next morning, got on board the Thunder, for which he was 
appointed, then lying in the harbour at Chatham; and the 
same day was mustered by the clerk of the cheque. And well 
it was for him that such expedition was used; for, in less 
than twelve hours after his arrival, another William Thomson 
came on board, affirming that he was the person for whom the 
warrant was expedited, and that the other was an imposter. 
My friend was grievously alarmed at this accident - the more 
so, as his namesake had very much the advantage over him 
both in assurance and dress. However, to acquit himself of 
the suspicion of imposture, he produced several letters, 
written from Scotland to him in that name, and recollecting 
that his indentures were in a box on board, he brought them 
up, and convinced all present that he had not assumed a name 
which did not belong to him. His competitor, enraged that 
they should hesitate in doing him justice (for, to be sure, 
the warrant had been designed for him), behaved with so much 
indecent heat, that the commanding officer, who was the same 
gentleman I had seen, and the surgeon, were offended at his 
presumption, and making a point of it with their friends in 
town, in less than a week got the first confirmed in his 
station. 'I have been on board,' said he, 'ever since, and, 
as this way of life is become familiar to me, have no cause 
to complain of my situation. The surgeon is a good-natured 
indolent man; the first mate, who is now on shore on duty, 
is, indeed, a little proud and choleric, as all Welshmen 
are, but, in the main, a friendly honest fellow. The 
lieutenants I have no concern with; and as for the captain, 
he is too much of a gentleman to know a surgeon's mate, even 
by sight.'


Chapter 25

While he was thus discoursing to me, we heard a voice on the 
cockpit ladder pronounce with great vehemence, in a strange 
dialect, 'The devil and his dam blow me from the top of 
Mounchdenny, if I go to him before there is something in my 
pelly; let his nose be as yellow as saffron, or as plue as a 
pell, look you, or green as a leek, 'tis all one.' To this 
declaration somebody answered, So it seems my poor messmate 
must part his cable for want of a little assistance. His 
fore-top-sail is loose already; and, besides, the doctor 
ordered you to overhaul him; but I see you don't mind what 
your master says.' Here he was interrupted with, 'Splunter 
and oons! you lousy tog, who do you call my master? Get you 
gone to the doctor, and tell him my birth, and education, 
and my abilities, and moreover my behaviour is as good as 
his, or any shentleman's (no disparagement to him) in the 
whole world. Got pless my soul! does he think, or conceive, 
or imagine, that I am a horse, or an ass, or a goat, to 
trudge backwards and forwards, and upwards and downwards, 
and by sea and by land, at his will and pleasures? Go your 
ways, you rapscallion, and tell Dr Atkins, that I desire and 
request that he will give a look to the tying man, and order 
something for him if he be dead or alive, and I will see him 
take it by and by, when my craving stomach is satisfied, 
look you.' At this the other went away, saying that if they 
should serve him so when he was dying, by God, he would be 
foul of them in the other world. Here Mr Thomson let me know 
that the person we heard was Mr Morgan, the first mate, who 
was just come on board from the hospital, whither he had 
attended some of the sick in the morning. At the same time I 
saw him come into the berth. He was a short thick man, with 
a face garnished with pimples, a snub nose turned up at the 
end, an excessive wide mouth, and little fiery eyes, 
surrounded with skin puckered up in innumerable wrinkles. My 
friend immediately made him acquainted with my case; when he 
regarded me with a very lofty look, but without speaking, 
set down a bundle he had in his hand, and approached the 
cupboard, which, when he had opened, he exclaimed in a great 
passion, 'Got is my life! all the pork is gone, as I am a 
Christian!' Thomson then gave him to understand, that as I 
had been brought on board half famished, he could do no less 
than entertain me with what was in the locker; and the 
rather as he had bid the steward enter me in the mess. 
Whether this disappointment made Mr Morgan more peevish than 
usual, or he rather thought himself too little regarded by 
his fellow-mate, I know not, but, after some pause, he went 
on in this matter, 'Mr Thomson, perhaps you do not use me 
with all the good manners, and complaisance, and respect, 
look you, that becomes you, because you have not vouchsafed 
to advise with me in this affair. I have, in my time, look 
you, been a man of some weight and substance, and 
consideration, and have kept house and home, and paid scot 
and lot, and the king's taxes; ay, and maintained a family 
to boot. And moreover, also, I am your senior, and your 
elder, and your petter, Mr Thomson.' 'My elder I'll allow 
you to be, but not my better,' cried Thomson with some heat. 
'Got is my Saviour, and witness too,' said Morgan, with 
great vehemence, 'that I am more elder, and therefore more 
petter, by many years, than you.' Fearing this dispute might 
be attended with some bad consequence, I interposed, and 
told Mr Morgan I was very sorry for having been the occasion 
of any difference between him and the second mate; and that 
rather than cause the least breach in their good 
understanding, I would eat my allowance by myself, or seek 
admission into some other company. But Thomson, with more 
spirit than discretion, as I thought, insisted upon my 
remaining where he had appointed me; and observed, that no 
man possessed of generosity and compassion would have any 
objection to it, considering my birth and talents, and the 
misfortunes I had of late so unjustly undergone. This was 
touching Mr Morgan on the right key, who protested with 
great earnestness that he had no objection to my being 
received in the mess; but only complained that the ceremony 
of asking his consent was not observed. 'As for a shentleman 
in distress,' said he, shaking me by the hand, 'I lofe him 
as I lofe my own powels; for, Got help me! I have had 
vexations enough upon my own pack.' And, as I afterwards 
learned, in so saying, he spoke no more than what was true; 
for he had been once settled in a very good situation in 
Glamorganshire, and was ruined by being security for an 
acquaintance. All differences being composed, he untied his 
bundle, which consisted of three bunches of onions, and a 
great lump of Cheshire cheese, wrapped up in a handkerchief; 
and, taking some biscuit from the cupboard, fell to with a 
keen appetite, inviting us to a share of the repast. When he 
had fed heartily on his homely fare, he filled a large cup, 
made of a cocoa-nut shell, with brandy, and drinking it off, 
told us, 'Prandy was the pest menstruum for onion and 
sheese.' His hunger being appeased, he began to be in better 
humour; and being inquisitive about my birth, no sooner 
understood that I was descended of a good family, than he 
discovered a particular good will to me on that account, 
deducing his own pedigree in a direct line from the famous 
Caractacus, king of the Britons, who was first the prisoner 
and afterwards the friend of Claudius Caesar. Perceiving how 
much I was reduced in point of linen, he made me a present 
of two good ruffled shirts, which, with two more of check 
which I received from Mr Thomson, enabled me to appear with 
decency. Meanwhile the sailor whom Mr Morgan had sent to the 
doctor, brought a prescription for his messmate, which, when 
the Welshman had read, he got up to prepare it, and asked if 
the man was 'Tead or alive.' 'Dead!' replied Jack, 'if he 
was dead he would have no occasion for doctor's stuff. No, 
thank God, death han't as yet boarded him, but they have 
been yard-arm and yard-arm these three glasses.' 'Are his 
eyes open?' continued the mate. 'His starboard eye,' said 
the sailor, 'is open, but fast jammed in his head; and the 
haulyards of his under jaw have given way.' 'Passion of my 
heart!' cried Morgan, 'the man is as pad as one would desire 
to be! Did you feel his pulses?' To this the other replied 
with, 'Anan?' Upon which this Cambro Briton, with great 
earnestness and humanity, ordered the tar to run to his 
messmate, and keep him alive till he should come with the 
medicine, 'And then,' said he, 'you shall, peradventure, 
pehold what you shall see.' The poor fellow, with great 
simplicity, ran to the place where the sick man lay, but, in 
less than a minute, returned with a woeful countenance, and 
told us his comrade had struck. Morgan, hearing this, 
exclaimed, 'Mercy upon my salvation! why did you not stop 
him till I came?' 'Stop him,' said the other, 'I hailed him 
several times, but he was too far on his way, and the enemy 
had got possession of his close quarters; so that he did not 
mind me.' 'Well, well,' said he, 'we all owe Heaven a teath. 
Go your ways, you ragamuffin, and take an example, and a 
warning, look you, and repent of your misteets.' So saying, 
he pushed the seaman out of the berth.
While he entertained us with reflections suitable to this 
event, we heard the boatswain pipe to dinner, and 
immediately the boy belonging to our mess ran to the locker, 
from whence he carried off a large wooden platter, and in a 
few minutes returned with it full of boiled peas, crying, 
'Scaldings,' all the way as he came. The cloth, consisting 
of a piece of an old sail, was instantly laid, covered with 
three plates, which, by the colour, I could with difficulty 
discern to be metal, and as many spoons of the same 
composition, two of which were curtailed in the handles, and 
the other abridged in the lip. Mr Morgan himself enriched 
this mess with a lump of salt butter, scooped from an old 
gallipot, and a handful of onions shorn, with some pounded 
pepper. I was not very much tempted with the appearance of 
this dish, of which, nevertheless, my messmates ate 
heartily, advising me to follow their example, as it was 
banyan-day, and we could have no meat till next noon. But I 
had already laid in sufficient for the occasion; and 
therefore desired to be excused, expressing a curiosity to 
know the meaning of banyan-day. They told me that on 
Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, the ship's company had no 
allowance of meat, and that these meagre days were called 
banyan-days, the reason of which they did not know; but I 
have since learned they take their denomination from a sect 
of devotees in some parts of the East Indies who never taste 
flesh.
After dinner, Thomson led me round the ship, showed me the 
different parts, described their uses, and, as far as he 
could, made me acquainted with the particulars of the 
discipline and economy practised on board. He then demanded 
of the boatswain an hammock for me, which was slung in a 
very neat manner by my friend, Jack Rattlin; and as I had no 
bed-clothes, procured credit for me with the purser for a 
mattress and two blankets. At seven o'clock in the evening, 
Morgan visited the sick, and having ordered what was proper 
for each, I assisted Thomson in making up his prescriptions: 
but when I followed him with the medicines into the sick-
berth or hospital, and observed the situations of the 
patients, I was much less surprised that people should die 
on board, than that any sick person should recover. Here I 
saw about fifty miserable distempered wretches, suspended in 
rows, so huddled one upon another, that not more than 
fourteen inches space was allotted for each with his bed and 
bedding; and deprived of the light of day, as well as of 
fresh air; breathing nothing but a noisome atmosphere of the 
morbid steams exhaling from their own excrements and 
diseased bodies, devoured with vermin hatched in the filth 
that surrounded them, and destitute of every convenience 
necessary for people in that helpless condition.


Chapter 26

I could not comprehend how it was possible for the 
attendants to come near those who hung on the inside towards 
the sides of the ship, in order to assist them, as they 
seemed barricaded by those who lay on the outside, and 
entirely out of the reach of all visitation. Much less could 
I conceive how my friend Thomson would be able to administer 
clysters, that were ordered for some in that situation; when 
I saw him thrust his wig in his pocket, and strip himself to 
his waistcoat in a moment, then creep on all-fours under the 
hammocks of the sick, and, forcing up his bare pate between 
two, keep them asunder with one shoulder, until he had done 
his duty. Eager to learn the service, I desired he would 
give me leave to perform the next operation of that kind; 
and he consenting, I undressed myself after his example, and 
crawling along, the ship happened to roll; this motion 
alarming me, I laid hold of the first thing that came within 
my grasp with such violence, that I overturned it, and soon 
found by the smell that issued upon me, I had not unlocked a 
box of the most delicious perfume: it was well for me that 
my nose was none of the most delicate, else I know not how I 
might have been affected by this vapour, which diffused 
itself all over the ship, to the utter discomposure of 
everybody who tarried on the same deck: neither was the 
consequence of this disgrace confined to my sense of 
smelling only; for I felt my misfortunes more ways than one. 
That I might not, however, appear altogether disconcerted in 
this my first essay, I got up, and pushing my head with 
great force between two hammocks, towards the middle, where 
the greatest resistance was, I made an opening indeed, but, 
not understanding the knack of dexterously turning my 
shoulder to maintain my advantage, had the mortification to 
find myself stuck up as it were in a pillory, and the weight 
of three or four people bearing on each side of my neck, so 
that I was in danger of strangulation. While I remained in 
this defenceless posture, one of the sick men, rendered 
peevish by his distemper, was so enraged at the smell I had 
occasioned, and the rude shock he had received from me in my 
elevation, that, with many bitter reproaches, he seized me 
by the nose, which he tweaked so unmercifully, that I roared 
with anguish. Thomson, perceiving my condition, ordered one 
of the waiters to my assistance, who with much difficulty 
disengaged me from this situation, and hindered me from 
taking vengeance of the sick man, whose indisposition would 
not have screened him from the effects of my indignation.
After having made an end of our ministry for that time, we 
descended to the cockpit, my friend comforting me for what 
had happened with a homely proverb, which I do not choose to 
repeat. When we had descended half-way down the ladder, Mr 
Morgan, before he saw us, having intelligence by his nose of 
the approach of something extraordinary, cried, 'Got have 
mercy upon my senses! I believe the enemy has poarded us in 
a stink-pot!' Then directing his discourse to the steward, 
from whom he imagined the odour proceeded, he reprimanded 
him severely for the freedoms he took among gentlemen of 
birth, and threatened to smoke him like a padger with 
sulphur, if he ever should presume to offend his neighbours 
with such smells for the future. The steward, conscious of 
his own innocence, replied, with some warmth, 'I know of no 
smells but those of your own making.' This repartee 
introduced a smart dialogue, in which the Welshman undertook 
to prove, that though the stench he complained of did not 
flow from the steward's own body, he was, nevertheless, the 
author of it, by serving out damaged provisions to the 
ship's company; and in particular, putrefied cheese, from 
the use of which only, he affirmed, such unsavoury steams 
could arise. Then he launched out into the praise of good 
cheese, of which he gave the analysis; he explained the 
different kinds of that commodity, with the methods 
practised to make and preserve it; and concluded with 
observing, that, in yielding good cheese, the county of 
Glamorgan might vie with Cheshire itself, and was much 
superior to it in the produce of goats and putter. I 
gathered from this conversation, that, if I entered in my 
present pickle, I should be no welcome guest; and therefore 
desired Mr Thomson to go before and represent my calamity; 
at which the first mate expressing some concern, went upon 
deck immediately, taking his way through the cable-tier and 
by the main hatchway, to avoid encountering me, desiring me 
to clean myself as soon as possible, for he intended to 
regale himself with a dish of salmagundy and a pipe. 
Accordingly I set about this disagreeable business, and soon 
found that I had more causes of complaint than I at first 
imagined; for I perceived some guests had honoured me with 
their company, whose visit I did not at all think 
seasonable; neither did they seem inclined to leave me in a 
hurry, for they were in possession of my chief quarters, 
where they fed without reserve at the expense of my blood. 
But considering it would be much easier to extirpate this 
ferocious colony in the infancy of their settlement, than 
after they should be multiplied and naturalized to the soil, 
I took the advice of my friend, who, to prevent such 
misfortunes, went always close shaved, and made the boy of 
our mess cut off my hair, which had been growing since I 
left the service of Lavement; and the second mate lent me an 
old bob-wig, to supply the loss of that covering. This 
affair being ended, and everything adjusted in the best 
manner my circumstances would permit, the descendant of 
Caractacus returned, and ordering the boy to bring a piece 
of salt beef from the brine, cut off a slice and mixed it 
with an equal quantity of onions, which seasoning with a 
moderate proportion of pepper and salt, he brought it into a 
consistence of oil and vinegar. Then tasting the dish, 
assured us it was the best salmagundy that he had ever made, 
and recommended it to our palate with such heartiness, that 
I could not help doing honour to his preparation. But I had 
no sooner swallowed a mouthful than I thought my entrails 
were scorched, and endeavoured, with a deluge of small beer, 
to allay the heat it occasioned. Supper being over, Mr 
Morgan having smoked a couple of pipes, and supplied the 
moisture he had expended with as many cans of flip, of which 
we all partook, a certain yawning began to admonish me that 
it was high time to repair by sleep the injury I had 
suffered from want of rest the preceding night; which being 
perceived by my companions, whose time of repose was now 
arrived, they proposed we should turn in, or, in other 
words, go to bed. Our hammocks, which hung parallel to one 
another on the outside of the berth, were immediately 
unlashed, and I beheld my messmates spring with great 
agility into their respective nests, where they seemed to 
lie concealed, very much at their ease. But it was some time 
before I could prevail upon myself to trust my carcass at 
such a distance from the ground, in a narrow bag, out of 
which I imagined I should be apt, on the least motion in my 
sleep, to tumble down at the hazard of breaking my bones. I 
suffered myself, however, to be persuaded, and, taking a 
leap to get in, threw myself quite over with such violence, 
that, had I not luckily got hold of Thomson's hammock, I 
should have pitched upon my head on the other side, and in 
all likelihood fractured my skull. After some fruitless 
efforts, I succeeded at last; but the apprehension of the 
jeopardy in which I believed myself withstood all the 
attacks of sleep, till towards the morning watch, when, in 
spite of my fears, I was overpowered with slumber, though I 
did not long enjoy this comfortable situation; being aroused 
with a noise so loud and shrill, that I thought the drums of 
my ears were burst by it; this was followed by a dreadful 
summons pronounced by a hoarse voice, which I could not 
understand. While I was debating with myself whether or not 
I should wake my companion, and inquire into the occasion of 
this disturbance, I was informed by one of the quarter-
masters, who passed by me with a lantern in his hand, that 
the noise that alarmed me was occasioned by the boatswain's 
mates, who called up the larboard watch, and that I must lay 
my account with such interruption every morning at the same 
hour. Being now more assured of my safety, I addressed 
myself again to rest, and slept till eight o'clock, when 
rising, and breakfasting with my comrades on biscuit and 
brandy, the sick were visited and assisted as before; after 
which visitation my good friend Thomson explained and 
performed another piece of duty, to which I was a stranger. 
At a certain hour in the morning, the boy of the mess went 
round all the decks, ringing a small hand-bell, and, in 
rhymes composed for the occasion, invited all those who had 
sores to repair before the mast, where one of the doctor's 
mates attended, with applications to dress them.



Chapter 27

While I was busied with my friend in this practice, the 
doctor chanced to pass by the place where we were, and, 
stopping to observe me, appeared very well satisfied with my 
method of application; and afterwards sent for me to his 
cabin, where, having examined me touching my skill in 
surgery, and the particulars of my fortune, he interested 
himself so far in my behalf as to promise his assistance in 
procuring a warrant for me, seeing I had been already found 
qualified at Surgeons' Hall for the station I filled on 
board; and in this good office he the more cordially 
engaged, when he understood I was nephew to Lieutenant 
Bowling, for whom he expressed a particular regard. In the 
meantime, I could learn from his discourse that he did not 
intend to go to sea again with Captain Oakum, having, as he 
thought, been indifferently used by him during the last 
voyage.
While I lived tolerably easy, in expectation of preferment, 
I was not altogether without mortifications, which I not 
only suffered from the rude insults of the sailors and petty 
officers, among whom I was known by the name of Loblolly 
Boy, but also from the disposition of Morgan, who, though 
friendly in the main, was often very troublesome with his 
pride, which expected a good deal of submission from me, and 
delighted in recapitulating the favours which I had received 
at his hands.
About six weeks after my arrival on board, the surgeon 
bidding me follow him into his cabin, presented a warrant to 
me, by which I was appointed surgeon's third mate on board 
the Thunder. This he had procured by his interest at the 
Navy Office; as also another for himself, by virtue of which 
he was removed into a second rate. I acknowledged his 
kindness in the strongest terms my gratitude could suggest, 
and professed my sorrow at the prospect of losing so 
valuable a friend, to whom I hoped to have recommended 
myself still further by my respectful and diligent 
behaviour. But his generosity did not stop here; for, before 
he left the ship, he made me a present of a chest and some 
clothes, that enabled me to support the rank to which he had 
raised me. I found my spirit revive with my good fortune; 
and, now I was an officer, resolved to maintain the dignity 
of my station against all opposition or affronts. Nor was it 
long before I had occasion to exert my resolution. My old 
enemy, the midshipman, whose name was Crampley, entertaining 
an implacable animosity against me for the disgrace he had 
suffered on my account, had since that time taken all 
opportunities of reviling and ridiculing me, when I was not 
entitled to retort this bad usage. And even after I had been 
rated on the books and mustered as surgeon's mate, he did 
not think fit to restrain his insolence. In particular, 
being one day present while I dressed a wound in a sailor's 
leg, he began to sing a song which I thought highly 
injurious to the honour of my country, and therefore 
signified my resentment by observing, that the Scots always 
laid their account with finding enemies among the ignorant, 
insignificant, and malicious. This unexpected piece of 
assurance enraged him to such a degree, that he lent me a 
blow on the face, which I verily thought had demolished my 
cheekbone; I was not slow in returning the obligation, and 
the affair began to be very serious, when by accident Mr 
Morgan and one of the master's mates, coming that way, 
interposed, and inquiring into the cause, endeavoured to 
promote a reconciliation; but finding us both exasperated to 
the uttermost, and bent against accommodation, they advised 
us either to leave our difference undecided till we should 
have an opportunity of terminating it on shore, like 
gentlemen, or else choose a proper place on board, and bring 
it to an issue by boxing. This last expedient was greedily 
embraced by us both; and being forthwith conducted to the 
ground proposed, we stripped in a moment, and began a very 
furious contest, in which I soon found myself inferior to my 
antagonist, not so much in strength and agility, as in 
skill, which he had acquired in the school of Hockley-in-the-
Hole and Tottenham Court. Many cross - buttocks did I 
sustain, and pegs on the stomach without number, till at 
last my breath being quite gone, as well as my vigour 
wasted, I grew desperate, and collecting all my strength in 
one effort, threw in at once, head, hands, and feet, with 
such violence, that I drove my antagonist three paces 
backward into the main hatchway, down which he fell, and 
pitching upon his head and right shoulder, remained without 
sense and motion. Morgan, looking down and seeing him lie in 
that condition, cried, 'Upon my conscience, as I am a 
Christian sinner, look you, I believe his pattles are all 
ofer; but I take you all to witness that there was no 
treachery in the case, and that he has suffered by the 
chance of war.' So saying, he descended to the deck below, 
to examine into the situation of my adversary; and left me 
very little pleased with my victory, as I found myself not 
only terribly bruised, but likewise in danger of being 
called to account for the death of Crampley. But this fear 
vanished when my fellow-mate, having by bleeding him in the 
jugular brought him to himself, and inquired into the state 
of his body, called up to me to be under no concern, for the 
midshipman had received no other damage than as pretty a 
luxation of the os humeri as one would desire to see on a 
summer's day. Upon this information, I crawled down to the 
cockpit, and acquainted Thomson with the affair, who, 
providing himself with bandages, etc., necessary for the 
occasion, went up to assist Mr Morgan in the reduction of 
the dislocation. When this was successfully performed, they 
wished me joy of the event of the combat; and the Welshman, 
after observing, that, in all likelihood, the ancient Scots 
and Britons were the same people, bade me 'praise Got for 
putting mettle in my pelly, and strength in my limbs to 
support it.' I acquired such reputation by this rencontre 
(which lasted twenty minutes), that everybody became more 
cautious in behaviour towards me; though Crampley, with his 
arm in a sling, talked very high, and threatened to seize 
the first opportunity of retrieving on shore the honour he 
had lost by an accident, from which I could justly claim no 
merit.
About this time, Captain Oakum, having received sailing 
orders, came on board, and brought along with him a surgeon 
of his own country, who soon made us sensible of the loss we 
suffered in the departure of Doctor Atkins; for he was 
grossly ignorant, and intolerably assuming, false, 
vindictive, and unforgiving; a merciless tyrant to his 
inferiors, an abject sycophant to those above him. In the 
morning after the captain came on board, our first mate, 
according to custom, went to wait on him with a sick-list, 
which when this grim commander had perused, he cried, with a 
stern countenance, 'Blood and oons! sixty-one sick people on 
board of my ship! Harkee, you sir, I'll have no sick in my 
ship, by God.' The Welshman replied, he should be very glad 
to find no sick people on board; but while it was otherwise, 
he did no more than his duty in presenting him with a list. 
'You and your list may be damned,' said the captain, 
throwing it at him, 'I say, there shall be no sick in this 
ship while I have the command of her.' Mr Morgan being 
nettled at this treatment, told him his indignation ought to 
be directed to Got Almighty, who visited his people with 
distempers, and not to him, who contributed all in his power 
towards their cure. The bashaw not being used to such 
behaviour in any of his officers, was enraged to fury at 
this satirical insinuation; and stamping with his foot, 
called him insolent scoundrel, threatening to have him 
pinioned to the deck, if he should presume to utter another 
syllable. But the blood of Caractacus being thoroughly 
heated, disdained to be restricted by such a command, and 
began to manifest itself in, 'Captain Oagum, I am a 
shentleman of birth and parentage, look you, and 
peradventure I am moreover ' Here his harangue was broke off 
by the captain's steward, who, being Morgan's countryman, 
hurried him out of the cabin before he had time to 
exasperate his master to a greater degree: and this would 
certainly have been the case; for the indignant Welshman 
could hardly be hindered, by his friend's arguments and 
entreaties, from re-entering the presence-chamber and 
defying Captain Oakum to his teeth. He was, however, 
appeased at length, and came down to the berth, where, 
finding Thomson and me at work preparing medicines, he bade 
us leave off our labour and go to play, for the captain, by 
his sole word and power, and command, had driven sickness a-
pegging to the tevil, and there was no more malady on board. 
So saying, he drank off a gill of brandy, sighed grievously 
three times, poured forth an ejaculation of 'Got pless my 
heart, liver, and lungs!' and then began to sing a Welsh 
song with great earnestness of visage, voice and gesture. I 
could not conceive the meaning of this singular phenomenon, 
and saw by the looks of Thomson, who at the same time shook 
his head, that he suspected poor Cadwallader's brains were 
unsettled. He perceiving our amazement, told us he would 
explain the mystery; but at the same time bade us take 
notice, that he had lived poy, patchelor, married man, and 
widower almost forty years, and, in all that time, there was 
no man nor mother's son in the whole world who durst use him 
so ill as Captain Oagum had done. Then he acquainted us with 
the dialogue that passed between them, as I have already 
related it; and had no sooner finished this narration, than 
he received a message from the surgeon to bring the sick-
list to the quarter-deck, for the captain had ordered all 
his patients thither to be reviewed. This inhuman order 
shocked us extremely, as we knew it would be impossible to 
carry some of them on the deck without imminent danger to 
their lives; but, as we likewise knew it would be to no 
purpose for us to remonstrate against it, we repaired to the 
quarter-deck in a body, to see this extraordinary muster; 
Morgan observing by the way, that the captain was going to 
send to the other world a great many evidences to testify 
against himself. When we appeared upon deck, the captain 
bade the doctor, who stood bowing at his right hand, look at 
these lazy lubberly sons of bitches, who were good for 
nothing on board but to eat the king's provision, and 
encourage idleness in the skulkers. The surgeon grinned 
approbation, and taking the list, began to examine the 
complaints of each, as they could crawl to the place 
appointed. The first who came under his cognisance was a 
poor fellow just freed of a fever, which had weakened him so 
much that he could hardly stand. Mr Mackshane (for that was 
the doctor's name) having felt his pulse, protested he was 
as well as any man in the world; and the captain delivered 
him over to the boatswain's mate, with orders that he should 
receive a round dozen at the gang-way immediately, for 
counterfeiting himself sick: but before the discipline could 
be executed, the man dropped down on the deck, and had well-
nigh perished under the hands of the executioner. The next 
patient to be considered, laboured under a quartan ague, and 
being then in his interval of health, discovered no other 
symptoms of distemper than a pale meagre countenance and 
emaciated body; upon which, he was declared fit for duty, 
and turned over to the boatswain: but being resolved to 
disgrace the doctor, died upon the forecastle next day 
during his cold fit. The third complained of a pleuritic 
stitch and spitting of blood; for which Doctor Mackshane 
prescribed exercise at the pump, to promote expectoration: 
but whether this was improper for one in his situation, or 
that it was used to excess, I know not; for in less than 
half an hour he was suffocated with a deluge of blood that 
issued from his lungs. A fourth, with much difficulty, 
climbed to the quarter-deck, being loaded with a monstrous 
ascites or dropsy, that invaded his chest so much, he could 
scarce fetch his breath; but his disease being interpreted 
into fat, occasioned by idleness and excess of eating, he 
was ordered, with a view to promote perspiration, and 
enlarge his chest, to go aloft immediately: it was in vain 
for this unwieldy wretch to allege his utter incapacity; the 
boatswain's driver was commanded to whip him up with a cat-
o'-nine-tails: the smart of this application made him exert 
himself so much, that he actually arrived at the puttock 
shrouds; but when the enormous weight of his body had 
nothing else to support it than his weakened arms, either 
out of spite or necessity, he quitted his hold and plumped 
into the sea, where he must have been drowned, had not a 
sailor, who was in a boat alongside, saved his life, by 
keeping him afloat till he was hoisted on board by a tackle. 
It would be tedious and disagreeable to describe the fate of 
every miserable object that suffered by the inhumanity and 
ignorance of the captain and surgeon, who so wantonly 
sacrificed the lives of their fellow-creatures. Many were 
brought up in the height of fevers, and rendered delirious 
by the injuries they received in the way. Some gave up the 
ghost in the presence of their inspectors; and others, who 
were ordered to their duty, languished a few days at work 
among their fellows, and then departed without any ceremony. 
On the whole, the number of the sick was reduced to less 
than a dozen; and the authors of this reduction were 
applauding themselves for the services they had done to 
their king and country, when the boatswain's mate informed 
his honour that there was a man below lashed to his hammock 
by the direction of the doctor's mate, and that he begged 
hard to be released; affirming he had been so maltreated 
only for a grudge Mr Morgan bore him, and that he was as 
much in his senses as any man aboard. The captain hearing 
this, darted a severe look at the Welshman, and ordered the 
man to be brought up immediately: upon which Morgan 
protested with great fervency, that the person in question 
was as mad as a March hare; and begged, for the love of Got, 
they would at least keep his arms pinioned during his 
examination, to prevent him from doing mischief. This 
request the commander granted for his own sake, and the 
patient was produced, who insisted upon his being in his 
right wits with such calmness and strength of argument, that 
everybody present was inclined to believe him, except 
Morgan, who affirmed there was no trusting to appearances; 
for he himself had been so much imposed upon by his 
behaviour two days before, that he had actually unbound him 
with his own hands, and had well-nigh been murdered for his 
pains. This was confirmed by the evidence of one of the 
waiters, who declared he had pulled this patient from the 
doctor's mate, whom he had gotten down and almost strangled. 
To this the man answered, that the witness was a creature of 
Morgan's, and was suborned to give his testimony against him 
by the malice of the mate, whom the defendant had affronted, 
by discovering to the people on board that Mr Morgan's wife 
kept a gin-shop in Rag Fair. This anecdote produced a laugh 
at the expense of the Welshman, who, shaking his head with 
some emotion, said, 'Ay, ay, 'tis no matter. Got knows, it 
is an arrant falsehood.' Captain Oakum, without any further 
hesitation, ordered the fellow to be unfettered; at the same 
time threatening to make Morgan exchange situations with him 
for his spite. But the Briton no sooner heard the decision 
in favour of the madman, than he got up the mizzen shrouds, 
crying to Thomson and me to get out of his reach, for we 
would see him play the devil with a vengeance. We did not 
think fit to disregard his caution, and accordingly got up 
on the poop, whence we beheld the maniac, as soon as he was 
released, fly at the captain like a fury, crying, 'I'll let 
you know, you scoundrel, that I am commander of this 
vessel,' and pommel him without mercy. The surgeon, who went 
to the assistance of his patron, shared the same fate; and 
it was with the utmost difficulty that he was mastered at 
last, after having done great execution among those who 
opposed him.


Chapter 28

The captain was carried into his cabin, so enraged with the 
treatment he had received, that he ordered the fellow to be 
brought before him, that he might have the pleasure of 
pistolling him with his own hand; and would certainly have 
satisfied his revenge in this manner, had not the first 
lieutenant remonstrated against it, by observing, that, in 
all appearance, the fellow was not mad but desperate; that 
he had been hired by some enemy of the captain to 
assassinate him, and therefore ought to be kept in irons 
till he could be brought to a court-martial, which, no 
doubt, would sift the affair to the bottom, by which means 
important discoveries might be made, and then sentence the 
criminal to a death adequate to his demerits. This 
suggestion, improbable as it was, had the desired effect 
upon the captain, being exactly calculated for the meridian 
of his intellects; more especially as Dr Mackshane espoused 
this opinion, in consequence of his previous declaration 
that the man was not mad. Morgan finding there was no more 
damage done, could not help discovering, by his countenance, 
the pleasure he enjoyed on this occasion; and while he 
bathed the doctor's face with an embrocation, ventured to 
ask him whether he thought there were more fools or madmen 
on board? But he would have been wiser in containing this 
sally, which his patient carefully laid up in his memory, to 
be taken notice of at a more fit season. Meanwhile, we 
weighed anchor, and on our way to the Downs, the madman, who 
was treated as a prisoner, took an opportunity while the 
sentinel attended him at the head, to leap overboard, and 
frustrate the revenge of the captain. We staid not long at 
the Downs, but took the benefit of the first easterly wind 
to go round to Spithead; where having received on board 
provisions for six months, we sailed from St Helen's in the 
grand fleet bound for the West Indies, on the ever-memorable 
expedition of Carthagena.
It was not without great mortification I saw myself on the 
point of being transported to such a distant and unhealthy 
climate, destitute of every convenience that could render 
such a voyage supportable; and under the dominion of an 
arbitrary tyrant, whose command was almost intolerable. 
However, as these complaints were common to a great many on 
board, I resolved to submit patiently to my fate, and 
contrive to make myself as easy as the nature of the case 
would allow. We got out of the Channel with a prosperous 
breeze, which died away, leaving us becalmed about fifty 
leagues to the westward of the Lizard. But this state of 
inaction did not last long; for next night our maintop was 
split by the wind, which in the morning increased to a 
hurricane. I was wakened by a most horrible din, occasioned 
by the play of the gun carriages upon the deck above, the 
cracking of cabins, the howling of the wind through the 
shrouds, the confused noise of the ship's crew, the pipes of 
the boatswain and his mates, the trumpets of the 
lieutenants, and the clanking of the chain pumps. Morgan, 
who had never been at sea before, turned out in a great 
hurry, crying, 'Got have mercy and compassion upon us! I 
believe we have got upon the confines of Lucifer and the 
damned!' while poor Thomson lay quaking in his hammock, 
putting up petitions to Heaven for our safety. I rose and 
joined the Welshman, with whom (after having fortified 
ourselves with brandy) I went above; but, if my sense of 
hearing was startled before, how must my sight have been 
appalled in beholding the effects of the storm! The sea was 
swelled into billows mountain high, on the top of which our 
ship sometimes hung as if it was about to be precipitated to 
the abyss below! Sometimes we sunk between two waves that 
rose on each side higher than our topmast head, and 
threatened, by dashing together, to overwhelm us in a 
moment! Of all our fleet, consisting of a hundred and fifty 
sail, scarce twelve appeared, and these driving under their 
bare poles, at the mercy of the tempest. At length the mast 
of one of them gave way, and tumbled overboard with a 
hideous crash! Nor was the prospect in our own ship much 
more agreeable; a number of officers and sailors ran 
backward and forward with distraction in their looks, 
hallooing to one another, and undetermined what they should 
attend to first. Some clung to the yards, endeavouring to 
unbend the sails that were split into a thousand pieces 
flapping in the wind, others tried to furl those which were 
yet whole, while the masts, at every pitch, bent and 
quivered like twigs, as if they would have shivered into 
innumerable splinters! While I considered this scene with 
equal terror and astonishment, one of the main braces broke, 
by the shock whereof two sailors were flung from the yard's 
arm into the sea, where they perished, and poor Jack Rattlin 
was thrown down upon the deck at the expense of a broken 
leg. Morgan and I ran immediately to his assistance, and 
found a splinter of the shinbone thrust by the violence of 
the fall through the skin. As this was a case of too great 
consequence to be treated without the authority of the 
doctor, I went down to his cabin to inform him of the 
accident, as well as to bring up dressings, which we always 
kept ready prepared. I entered his apartment without any 
ceremony, and by the glimmering of a lamp, perceived him on 
his knees, before something that very much resembled a 
crucifix; but this I will not insist upon, that I may not 
seem too much a slave to common report, which indeed 
assisted my conjecture on this occasion, by representing Dr 
Mackshane as a member of the Church of Rome. Be this as it 
will, he got up in a sort of confusion, occasioned, I 
suppose, by his being disturbed in his devotion, and, in a 
trice, snatched the subject of my suspicion from my sight.
After making an apology for my intrusion, I acquainted him 
with the situation of Rattlin, but could by no means prevail 
upon him to visit him on deck, where he lay. He bade me 
desire the boatswain to order some of the men to carry him 
down to the cockpit, and in the meantime, said he, I will 
direct Thomson to get ready the dressings. When I signified 
to the boatswain the doctor's desire, he swore a terrible 
oath, that he could not spare one man from the deck, because 
he expected the mast would go by the board every minute. 
This piece of information did not at all contribute to my 
peace of mind; however, as my friend Rattlin complained very 
much, with the assistance of Morgan, I supported him to the 
lower deck, whither Mr Mackshane, after much entreaty, 
ventured to come, attended by Thomson, with a box full of 
dressings, and his own servant, who carried a whole set of 
capital instruments. He examined the fracture and the wound, 
and concluding, from a livid colour extending itself upon 
the limb, that a mortification would ensue, resolved to 
amputate the leg immediately. This was a dreadful sentence 
to the patient, who, recruiting himself with a quid of 
tobacco, pronounced, with a woeful countenance, 'What! is 
there no remedy, doctor? - must I be docked? - can't you 
splice it?' 'Assuredly, Doctor Mackshane,' said the first 
mate, 'with submission, and deference, and veneration to 
your superior abilities, and opportunities, and stations, 
look you, I do apprehend, and conjecture, and aver, that 
there is no occasion nor necessity to smite off this poor 
man's leg.' 'God Almighty bless you, dear Welshman!' cried 
Rattlin, 'may you have fair wind and weather wheresoever 
you're bound, and come to an anchor in the Road of Heaven at 
last.' Mackshane, very much incensed at his mate's differing 
in opinion from him so openly, answered, that he was not 
bound to give an account of his practice to him; and, in a 
peremptory tone, ordered him to apply the tourniquet; at the 
sight of which, Jack, starting up, cried, 'Avast, avast! 
damn my heart, if you clap your nippers on me, till I know 
wherefore! Mr Random, won't you lend a hand towards saving 
my precious limb? Odds heart, if Lieutenant Bowling was 
here, he would not suffer Jack Rattlin's leg to be chopped 
off like a piece of old junk.' This pathetic address to me, 
joined to my inclination to serve my honest friend, and the 
reasons I had to believe there was no danger in delaying the 
amputation, induced me to declare myself of the first mate's 
opinion, and affirm that the preternatural colour of the 
skin was owing to an inflammation occasioned by a contusion, 
and common in all such cases, without any indication of an 
approaching gangrene. Morgan, who had a great opinion of my 
skill, manifestly exulted in my fellowship, and asked 
Thomson's sentiments of the matter, in hopes of 
strengthening our association with him too; but he, being of 
a meek disposition, and either dreading the enmity of the 
surgeon, or speaking the dictates of his own judgment, in a 
modest manner, espoused the opinion of Mackshane, who, by 
this time, having consulted with himself, determined to act 
in such a manner as to screen himself from censure, and at 
the same time revenge himself on us for our arrogance in 
contradicting him. With this view he asked if we would 
undertake to cure the leg at our peril - that is, be 
answerable for the consequence. To this question Morgan 
replied, that the lives of his creatures are in the hands of 
Got alone; and it would be great presumption in him to 
undertake for an event that was in the power of his Maker, 
no more than the doctor could promise to cure all the sick 
to whom he administered his assistance; but if the patient 
would put himself under our direction, we would do our 
endeavour to bring his distemper to a favourable issue, to 
which, at present, we saw no obstruction. I signified my 
concurrence; and Rattlin was so overjoyed, that, shaking us 
both by the hands, he swore nobody else should touch him, 
and if he died, his blood should be upon his own head. Mr 
Mackshane, flattering himself with the prospect of our 
miscarriage, went away, and left us to manage it as we 
should think proper. Accordingly, having sawed off part of 
the splinter that stuck through the skin, we reduced the 
fracture, dressed the wound, applied the eighteen-tailed 
bandage, and put the leg in a box, secundum artem. 
Everything succeeded according to our wish, and we had the 
satisfaction of not only preserving the poor fellow's leg, 
but likewise of rendering the doctor contemptible among the 
ship's company, who had all their eyes on us during the 
course of this cure, which was completed in six weeks.


Chapter 29

In the meantime, the storm subsided into a brisk gale, that 
carried us into the warm latitudes, where the weather became 
intolerable, and the crew very sickly. The doctor left 
nothing unattempted towards the completion of his vengeance 
against the Welshman and me. He went among the sick, under 
pretence of inquiring into their grievances, with a view of 
picking up complaints to our prejudice; but finding himself 
frustrated in that expectation, by the good will we had 
procured from the patients by our diligence and humanity, he 
took the resolution of listening to our conversation, by 
hiding himself behind the canvas that surrounded our berth. 
Here, too, he was detected by the boy of our mess, who 
acquainted us with this piece of behaviour; and one night, 
while we were picking a large bone of salt beef, Morgan 
discerned something stir on the outside of our hangings, 
which immediately interpreting to be the doctor, he tipped 
me the wink, and pointed to the place, where I could 
perceive somebody standing; upon which I snatched up the 
bone, and levelled it with all my force at him, saying, 
'Whoever you are, take that for your curiosity.' It had the 
desired effect, for we heard the listener tumble down, and 
afterwards crawl to his own cabin. I applauded myself much 
for this feat, which turned out one of the most unlucky 
exploits of my life, Mackshane from that time marking me out 
for destruction. About a week after this exploit, as I was 
going my rounds among the sick, I was taken prisoner, and 
carried to the poop by the master-at-arms, where I was 
loaded with irons and stapled to the deck, on pretence that 
I was a spy on board, and had conspired against the 
captain's life. How ridiculous soever this imputation was, I 
did not fail to suffer by it all the rigour that could be 
shown to the worst of criminals, being exposed in this 
miserable condition to the scorching heat of the sun by day, 
and the unwholesome damps by night, during the space of 
twelve days, in which I was neither brought to trial, nor 
examined touching the probability of the charge. I had no 
sooner recovered the use of my reflection, which had been 
quite overthrown by this accident, than I sent for Thomson, 
who, after condoling me on the occasion, hinted that I owed 
this misfortune to the hatred of the doctor, who had given 
an information against me to the captain, in consequence of 
which I was arrested, and all my papers seized. While I was 
cursing my capricious fate, I saw Morgan ascend the poop, 
guarded by two corporals, who made him sit down by me, that 
he might be pinioned in the same machine. Notwithstanding my 
situation, I could scarce refrain from laughing at the 
countenance of my fellow-prisoner, who, without speaking one 
word, allowed his feet to be enclosed in the rings provided 
for that purpose; but when they pretended to fasten him on 
his back, he grew outrageous, and drawing a large couteau 
from his side-pocket, threatened to rip up the belly of the 
first man that should approach him, in order to treat him in 
such an unworthy manner. They were preparing to use him very 
roughly, when the lieutenant on the quarter-deck called up 
to them to let him remain as he was. He then crept towards 
me, and taking me by the hand, bade me 'put my trust in 
Got'; and looking at Thomson, who sat by us trembling, with 
a pale visage, told him there were two more rings for his 
feet, and he should be glad to find him in such good 
company. But it was not the intention of our adversary to 
include the second mate in our fate; him he excepted, to be 
his drudge in attending the sick, and, if possible, his 
evidence against us. With this view, he sounded him afar 
off, but finding his integrity incorruptible, harassed him 
so much out of spite, that, in a short time, this mild 
creature grew weary of his life.
While I and my fellow-prisoner comforted each other in our 
tribulation, the admiral discovered four sail to leeward, 
and made signal for our ship and four more to chase: 
hereupon everything was cleared for an engagement; and 
Mackshane, foreseeing he should have occasion for more 
assistants than one, obtained Morgan's liberty; while I was 
left in this deplorable posture to the chance of battle. It 
was almost dark when we came up with the sternmost chase, 
which we hailed, and inquired who they were: they gave us to 
understand they were French men-of-war; upon which Captain 
Oakum commanded them to send their boat on board of him; but 
they refused, telling him, if he had any business with them, 
to come on board of their ship; he then threatened to pour 
in a broadside upon them, which they promised to return. 
Both sides were as good as their word; and the engagement 
began with great fury. The reader may guess how I passed my 
time, lying in this helpless situation, amidst the terrors 
of a sea-fight; expecting every moment to be cut asunder, or 
dashed in pieces by the enemy's shot! I endeavoured to 
compose myself as much as possible, by reflecting that I was 
not a whit more exposed than those who were stationed about 
me; but when I beheld them employed without intermission in 
annoying the foe, and encouraged by the society and 
behaviour of one another, I could easily perceive a wide 
difference between their condition and mine: however, I 
concealed my agitation as well as I could, till the head of 
the officer of the marines, who stood near me, being shot 
off, bounced from the deck athwart my face, leaving me well-
nigh blinded with brains. I could contain myself no longer, 
but began to bellow with all the strength of my lungs: when 
a drummer coming towards me, asked if I was wounded? and 
before I could answer, received a great shot in his belly, 
which tore out his entrails, and he fell flat on my breast. 
This accident entirely bereft me of all discretion: I 
redoubled my cries, which were drowned in the noise of the 
battle; and finding myself disregarded, lost all patience 
and became frantic: I vented my rage in oaths and 
execrations, till my spirits being quite exhausted, I 
remained quiet and insensible of the load that oppressed me. 
The engagement lasted till broad day, when Captain Oakum, 
finding that he was like to gain neither honour nor 
advantage by the affair, pretended to be undeceived by 
seeing their colours; and hailing the ship with whom he had 
fought all night, protested he believed them Spaniards, and 
the guns being silenced on each side, ordered the barge to 
be hoisted out, and went on board the French commodore. Our 
loss amounted to ten killed and eighteen wounded, most part 
of whom afterwards died. My fellow-mates had no sooner 
despatched their business in the cockpit, than, full of 
friendly concern, they came to visit me. Morgan ascending 
first, and seeing my face almost covered with brains and 
blood, concluded I was no longer a man for this world; and 
calling to Thomson with great emotion, bade him come up and 
take his last farewell of his comrade and countryman, who 
was posting to a better place, where there were no 
Mackshanes nor Oakums to asperse and torment him. 'No,' said 
he, taking me by the hand, 'you are going to a country where 
there is more respect shown to unfortunate shentlemen, and 
where you will have the satisfaction of peholding your 
adversaries tossing upon pillows of purning primstone.' 
Thomson, alarmed at this apostrophe, made haste to the place 
where I lay, and sitting down by me, with tears in his eyes, 
inquired into the nature of my calamity. By this time I had 
recollected myself so far as to be able to converse 
rationally with my friends, whom, to their great 
satisfaction, I immediately undeceived with regard to their 
apprehension of my being mortally wounded. After I had got 
myself disengaged from the carnage in which I wallowed, and 
partaken of a refreshment which my friends brought along 
with them, we entered into discourse upon the hardships we 
sustained, and spoke very freely of the authors of our 
misery: but our discourse being overheard by the sentinel 
who guarded me, he was no sooner relieved, than he reported 
to the captain every syllable of our conversation, according 
to the orders he received. The effect of this information 
soon appeared in the arrival of the master-at-arms, who 
replaced Morgan in his former station; and gave the second 
mate a caution to keep a strict guard over his tongue, if he 
did not choose to accompany us in our confinement. Thomson, 
foreseeing that the whole slavery of attending the sick and 
wounded, as well as the cruelty of Mackshane, must now fall 
upon his shoulders, grew desperate at the prospect, and, 
though I never heard him swear before, imprecated dreadful 
curses on the heads of his oppressors, declaring that he 
would rather quit life altogether, than be much longer under 
the power of such barbarians. I was not a little startled at 
his vivacity, and endeavoured to alleviate his complaints, 
by representing the subject of my own, with as much 
aggravation as it would bear, by which comparison he might 
see the balance of misfortune lay on my side, and take an 
example from me of fortitude and submission, till such time 
as we could procure redress, which, I hoped, was not far 
off, considering that we should probably be in a harbour in 
less than three days, where we should have an opportunity of 
preferring our complaints to the admiral. The Welshman 
joined in my remonstrance, and was at great pains to 
demonstrate that it was every man's duty, as well as 
interest, to resign himself to the divine will, and look 
upon himself as a sentinel upon duty, who is by no means at 
liberty to leave his post before he is relieved. Thomson 
listened attentively to what we said, and at last, shedding 
a flood of tears, shook his head, and left us without making 
any reply. About eleven at night he came to see us again, 
with a settled gloom on his countenance, and gave us to 
understand that he had undergone excessive toil since he saw 
us, and in recompense had been grossly abused by the doctor, 
who taxed him with being confederate with us, in a design of 
taking away his life, and that of the captain. After some 
time spent in mutual exhortation, he got up, and squeezing 
me by the hand, with an uncommon fervour, cried, 'God bless 
you both'; and left us to wonder at his singular manner of 
parting with us, which did not fail to make a deep 
impression on us.
Next morning when the hour of visitation came round, this 
unhappy young man was missing, and, after strict search, 
supposed to have gone overboard in the night; and this was 
certainly the case.


Chapter 30

The news of this event affected my fellow-prisoner and me 
extremely, as our unfortunate companion had justly acquired, 
by his amiable disposition, the love and esteem of us both; 
and the more we regretted his untimely fate, the greater 
horror we conceived for the villain who was undoubtedly the 
occasion of it. This abandoned miscreant did not discover 
the least symptom of concern for Thomson's death, although 
he must have been conscious to himself of having driven him 
by ill-usage to that fatal resolution; but desired the 
captain to set Morgan at liberty again, to look after the 
patients. Accordingly, one of the corporals was sent up to 
unfetter him; but he protested he would not be released 
until he should know for what he was confined; nor would he 
be a tennis-ball, nor a shuttlecock, nor a drudge, nor a 
scullion, to any captain under the sun. Oakum, finding him 
obstinate, and fearing it would not be in his power to 
exercise his tyranny much longer with impunity, was willing 
to show some appearance of justice, and therefore ordered us 
both to be brought before him on the quarter-deck, where he 
sat in state, with his clerk on one side, and his counsellor 
Mackshane on the other. When we approached, he honoured us 
with this salutation: 'So, gentlemen, damn my blood! many a 
captain in the navy would have ordered you both to be tucked 
up to the yard's arm, without either judge or jury, for the 
crimes you have been guilty of; but, damn my blood! I have 
too much good nature, in allowing such dogs as you to make 
your defence.' 'Captain Oakum,' said my fellow-sufferer, 
'certainly it is in your power (Got help the while) to tuck 
us all up at your will, and desire, and pleasures. And 
perhaps it would be petter for some of us to be tucked up, 
than undergo the miseries to which we have been exposed. So 
may the farmer hang his kids for his diversion, and 
amusement, and mirth; but there is such a thing as justice, 
if not upon earth, surely in heaven, that will punish with 
fire and primstone all those who take away the lives of 
innocent people out of wantonness and parparity, look you. 
In the meantime, I shall be glad to know the crimes laid to 
my charge, and see the person who accuses me.' 'That you 
shall,' said the captain; 'here, doctor, what have you to 
say?' Mackshane stepping forward, hemmed a good while, in 
order to clear his throat, and, before he began, Morgan 
accosted him thus: 'Doctor Mackshane, look in my face - look 
in the face of an honest man, who abhors a false witness as 
he abhors the tevil, and Got be judge between you and me.' 
The doctor, not minding this conjuration, made the following 
speech, as near as I can remember: 'I'll tell you what, Mr 
Morgan, to be sure what you say is just, in regard to an 
honest man, and if so be it appears as how you are an honest 
man, then it is my opinion that you deserve to be acquitted, 
in relation to that there affair; for I tell you what, 
Captain Oakum is resolved for to do everybody justice. As 
for my own part, all that I have to allege is, that I have 
been informed you have spoken disrespectful words against 
your captain, who, to be sure, is the most honourable and 
generous commander in the king's service, without 
disparagement or exception, of man, woman, or child.' Having 
uttered this elegant harangue, on which he seemed to plume 
himself, Morgan replied, 'I do partly guess, and conceive, 
and understand your meaning, which I wish could be more 
explicit; but, however, I do suppose I am not to be 
condemned upon bare hearsay; or if I am convicted of 
speaking disrespectfully of Captain Oakum, I hope there is 
no treason in my words.' 'But there's mutiny, by God, and 
that's death by the articles of war,' cried Oakum. 'In the 
meantime let the witnesses be called.' Hereupon Mackshane's 
servant appeared, and the boy of our mess, whom they had 
seduced and tutored for the purpose. The first declared that 
Morgan, as he descended the cockpit ladder one day, cursed 
the captain, and called him a savage beast, saying he ought 
to be hunted down as an enemy of mankind. 'This,' said the 
clerk, 'is a strong presumption of a design formed against 
the captain's life. For why? It presupposes malice 
aforethought, and a criminal intention a priori.' 'Right,' 
said the captain to this miserable grub, who had been an 
attorney's boy, 'you shall have law enough; here's Cook and 
Littlejohn for it.' This evidence was confirmed by the boy, 
who affirmed he heard the first mate say that the captain 
had no more bowels than a bear, and the surgeon had no more 
brains than an ass. Then the sentinel, who heard our 
discourse on the poop, was examined, and informed the court 
that the Welshman assured me, Captain Oakum and Doctor 
Mackshane would toss upon billows of burning brimstone in 
hell for their barbarity. The clerk observed that there was 
an evident prejudication which confirmed the former 
suspicion of a conspiracy against the life of Captain Oakum; 
for, because, how would Morgan so positively pronounce that 
the captain and surgeon would be damned, unless he had an 
intention to make away with them before they could have time 
to repent? This sage explanation had great weight with our 
noble commander, who exclaimed, 'What have you to say to 
this, Taffy? you seem to be taken all aback, brother, ha!' 
Morgan was too much of a gentleman to disown the text, 
although he absolutely denied the truth of the comment. Upon 
which the captain, strutting up to him, with a ferocious 
countenance, said, 'So, Mr Son of a b-h, you confess you 
honoured me with the names of bear and beast, and pronounced 
my damnation! Damn my heart! I have a good mind to have you 
brought to a court-martial, and hanged, you dog.' Here 
Mackshane, having occasion for an assistant, interposed, and 
begged the captain to pardon Mr Morgan, with his wonted 
goodness, upon condition that he, the delinquent, should 
make such submission as the nature of the misdemeanour 
demanded. Upon which the Cambro-Briton, who on this occasion 
would have made no submission to the Great Mogul, surrounded 
with his guards, thanked the doctor for his mediation, and 
acknowledged himself in the wrong for calling the image of 
God a peast. 'But,' said he, 'I spoke by metaphor, and 
parable, and comparison, and types; as we signify meekness 
by a lamb, lechery by a goat, and craftiness by a fox, so we 
liken ignorance to an ass, and brutality to a bear, and fury 
to a tiger; therefore I made use of these similes to express 
my sentiments, look you, and what I said before Got, I will 
not unsay before man or peast neither.' Oakum was so 
provoked at this insolence, as he termed it, that he ordered 
him forthwith to be carried to the place of his confinement, 
and his clerk to proceed on the examination of me. The first 
question put to me was touching the place of my nativity, 
which I declared to be the north of Scotland. 'The north of 
Ireland, more like,' cried the captain; 'but we shall bring 
you up presently.' He then asked what religion I professed; 
and when I answered, 'The Protestant,' swore I was as arrant 
a Roman as ever went to mass. 'Come, come, clerk,' continued 
he, 'catechise him a little on this subject.' But before I 
relate the particulars of the clerk's inquiries, it will not 
be amiss to inform the reader that our commander himself was 
an Hibernian, and, if not shrewdly belied, a Roman Catholic 
to boot. 'You say you are a Protestant,' said the clerk; 
'make the sign of the cross with your fingers - so; and 
swear upon it to that affirmation.' When I was about to 
perform this ceremony, the captain cried, with some emotion, 
'No, no, damme! I'll have no profanation, neither. But go on 
with your interrogations.' 'Well, then,' proceeded my 
examiner, 'how many sacraments are there?' To which I 
replied, 'Two.' 'What are they?' said he. I answered, 
'Baptism and the Lord's Supper.' 'And so you would explode 
confirmation and marriage altogether?' said Oakum; 'I 
thought this fellow was a rank Roman.' The clerk, though he 
was bred under an attorney, could not refrain from blushing 
at this blunder, which he endeavoured to conceal by 
observing, that these decoys would not do with me, who 
seemed to be an old offender. He went on with asking if I 
believed in transubstantiation, but I treated the notion of 
a real presence with such disrespect, that his patron was 
scandalized at my impiety, and commanded him to proceed to 
the plot. Whereupon this miserable pettifogger told me, 
there was great reason to suspect me of being a spy on 
board; and that I had entered into a conspiracy with 
Thomson, and others not yet detected, against the life of 
Captain Oakum: which accusation they pretended to support by 
the evidence of our boy, who declared he had often heard the 
deceased Thomson and me whispering together, and could 
distinguish the words 'Oakum, rascal, poison, pistol.' By 
which expressions it appeared we did intend to use sinister 
means to accomplish his destruction; that the death of 
Thomson seemed to confirm this conjecture; who, either 
feeling the stings of remorse, for being engaged in such a 
horrid confederacy or fearing a discovery, by which he must 
have infallibly suffered an ignominious death, had put a 
fatal period to his own existence. But what established the 
truth of the whole was a book in ciphers, found among my 
papers, which exactly tallied with one found in his chest, 
after his disappearance. This, he observed, was a 
presumption very near proof positive, and would determine 
any jury in Christendom to find me guilty. In my own 
defence, I alleged that I had been dragged on board at first 
very much against my inclination, as I could prove by the 
evidence of some people now in the ship, consequently could 
have no design of becoming spy at the time; and ever since 
had been entirely out of the reach of any correspondence 
that could justly entail that suspicion upon me. As for 
conspiring against my captain's life, it could not be 
supposed that any man in his right wits would harbour the 
least thought of such an undertaking, which he could not 
possibly perform without certain infamy and ruin to himself, 
even if he had all the inclination in the world. That, 
allowing the boy's evidence to be true (which I affirmed was 
false and malicious), nothing conclusive could be gathered 
from a few incoherent words. Neither was the fate of Mr 
Thomson a circumstance more favourable for the charge; for I 
had in my pocket a letter which too well explained that 
mystery, in a very different manner from that which was 
supposed. With these words I produced the following letter, 
which Jack Rattlin brought to me the very day after Thomson 
disappeared; and told me it was committed to his care by the 
deceased, who made him promise not to deliver it sooner. The 
clerk, taking it out of my hand, read aloud the contents, 
which were these:

'DEAR FRIEND - I am so much oppressed with the fatigue I 
daily and nightly undergo, and the barbarous usage of Doctor 
Mackshane, who is bent on your destruction, as well as mine, 
that I am resolved to free myself from this miserable life, 
and before you receive this, shall be no more. I could have 
wished to die in your good opinion, which I am afraid I 
shall forfeit by the last act of my life; but if you cannot 
acquit me, I know you will at least preserve some regard for 
the memory of an unfortunate young man who loved you. I 
recommend it to you to beware of Mackshane, whose revenge is 
implacable. I wish all prosperity to you and Mr Morgan, to 
whom pray offer my last respects, and beg to be remembered 
as your unhappy friend and countryman,
'WILLIAM THOMSON.

This letter was no sooner read, than Mackshane, in a 
transport of rage, snatched it out of the clerk's hands and 
tore it into a thousand pieces, saying it was a villainous 
forgery, contrived and executed by myself. The captain and 
clerk declared themselves of the same opinion, although I 
insisted on having the remains of it compared with other 
writings of Thomson, which they had in their possession; and 
I was ordered to answer the last article of my accusation, 
namely, the book of ciphers found among my papers. 'That is 
easily done,' said I; 'what you are pleased to call ciphers, 
are no other than the Greek characters, in which, for my 
amusement, I kept a diary of everything remarkable that has 
occurred to my observation, since the beginning of the 
voyage till the day on which I was put in irons; and the 
same method was practised by Mr Thomson, who copied mine.' 
'A very likely story!' cried Mackshane; 'what occasion was 
there for using Greek characters, if you were not afraid of 
discovering what you had wrote? But what d'ye talk of Greek 
characters? D'ye think I am so ignorant of the Greek 
language, as not to distinguish its letters from these, 
which are no more Greek than Chinese? No, no, I will not 
give up my knowledge of the Greek for you, nor none that 
ever came from your country.' So saying, with an 
unparalleled effrontery, he repeated some gibberish, which 
by the sound seemed to be Irish, and made it pass for Greek 
with the captain, who, looking at me with a contemptuous 
sneer, exclaimed, 'Ah! ah! have you caught a tartar?' I 
could not help smiling at the consummate assurance of this 
Hibernian, and offered to refer the dispute to anybody on 
board who understood the Greek alphabet. Upon which Morgan 
was brought back, and being made acquainted with the affair, 
took the book and read a whole page in English without 
hesitation, deciding the controversy in my favour. The 
doctor was so far from being out of countenance at this 
detection, that he affirmed Morgan was in the secret, and 
repeated from his own invention. Oakum said, 'Ay, ay, I see 
they are both in a story'; and dismissed my fellow-mate to 
his cock-loft, although I proposed that he and I should read 
and translate separately any chapter or verse in the Greek 
Testament in his possession, by which it would appear 
whether we or the surgeon spoke truth. Not being endued with 
eloquence enough to convince the captain that there could be 
no juggle nor confederacy in this expedient, I begged to be 
examined by some unconcerned person on board who understood 
Greek. Accordingly the whole ship's company, officers, and 
all, were called upon deck, among whom it was proclaimed, 
that if any of them could speak Greek, he or they so 
qualified should ascend the quarter-deck immediately. After 
some pause, two foremast men came up and professed their 
skill in that language, which, they said, they acquired 
during several voyages to the Levant, among the Greeks of 
the Morea. The captain exulted much in this declaration, and 
put my journal-book into the hands of one of them, who 
candidly owned he could neither read nor write: the other 
acknowledged the same degree of ignorance, but pretended to 
speak the Greek lingo with any man on board; and addressing 
himself to me, pronounced some sentences of a barbarous 
corrupted language, which I did not understand. I asserted 
that the modern Greek was as different from that spoken and 
written by the ancients, as the English used now from the 
old Saxon spoke in the time of Hengist; and as I had only 
learned the true original tongue, in which Homer, Pindar, 
the Evangelists, and other great men of antiquity wrote, it 
could not be supposed that I should know anything of an 
imperfect Gothic dialect that rose on the ruins of the 
former, and scarce retained any traces of the old 
expression. But if Doctor Mackshane, who pretended to be 
master of the Greek language, could maintain a conversation 
with these seamen, I would retract what I had said, and be 
content to suffer any punishment he should think proper to 
inflict. I had no sooner uttered these words, than the 
surgeon, knowing one of these fellows to be his countryman, 
accosted him in Irish, and was answered in the same brogue; 
then a dialogue ensued between them, which they affirmed to 
be in Greek, after having secured the secrecy of the other 
tar, who had his cue in the language of the Morea from his 
companion, before they could venture to assert such an 
intrepid falsehood. 'I thought,' said Oakum, 'we should 
discover the imposture at last. Let the rascal be carried 
back to his confinement. I find he must dangle.' Having 
nothing further to urge in my own behalf, before a court so 
prejudiced with spite, and fortified with ignorance against 
truth, I suffered myself to be re-conducted peaceably to my 
fellow-prisoner, who hearing the particulars of my trial, 
lifted up his hands and eyes to heaven, and uttered a 
dreadful groan; and not daring to disburden his thoughts to 
me by speech, lest he might be overheard by the sentinel, 
burst forth into a Welsh song, which he accompanied with a 
thousand contortions of face, and violent gestures of body.



Chapter 31

Meanwhile, a quarrel happened between the two modern Greeks; 
the one, to be revenged of the other, came and discovered to 
us the mystery of Mackshane's dialogue, as I have explained 
it above. This detection coming to the ears of the doctor, 
who was sensible that, now we were in sight of Jamaica, we 
should have an opportunity of clearing ourselves before a 
court-martial, and, at the same time, of making his malice 
and ignorance conspicuous, he interceded for us with the 
captain so effectually, that, in a few hours, we were set at 
liberty, and ordered to return to our duty. This was a happy 
event for me, my whole body being blistered by the sun, and 
my limbs benumbed by want of motion. But I could scarce 
persuade the Welshman to accept of this indulgence, he 
persisting in his obstinacy to remain in irons until he 
should be discharged by a court-martial, which he believed 
would also do him justice on his enemies. At length I 
represented to him the precarious issue of a trial, the 
power and interest of his adversaries, and flattered his 
revenge with the hope of wreaking his resentment with his 
own hands upon Mackshane after our return to England. This 
last argument had more weight with him than all the rest, 
and prevailed upon him to repair with me to the cockpit, 
which I no sooner entered than the idea of my departed 
friend presented itself to my remembrance, and filled my 
eyes with tears. We discharged from our mess the boy who 
acted so perfidiously, notwithstanding his tears, 
entreaties, and professions of penitence for what he had 
done; but not before he had confessed that the surgeon had 
bribed him to give evidence against us, with a pair of 
stockings and a couple of old check shirts, of which his 
servant had since plundered him.
The keys of our chests and lockers being sent to us by the 
doctor, we detained the messenger until we had examined the 
contents; and my fellow-mate finding all his Cheshire cheese 
consumed to a crust, his brandy exhausted, and his onions 
gone, was seized with a fit of choler, which he discharged 
on Mackshane's man in oaths and execrations, threatening to 
prosecute him as a thief. The fellow swore in his turn that 
he never had the keys in his possession till that time, when 
he received them from his master, with orders to deliver 
them to us. 'As Got is my judge,' cried Morgan, 'and my 
salfation, and my witness, whosoever has pilfered my 
provisions, is a lousy, peggarly, rascally knave! and by the 
soul of my grandsire! I will impeach, and accuse, and indict 
him of a roppery, if I did but know who he is.' - Had this 
misfortune happened at sea, where we could not repair the 
loss, in all probability this descendant of Caractacus would 
have lost his wits entirely; but, when I observed how easy 
it would be to remedy this paltry mischance, he became more 
calm, and reconciled himself to the occasion. A little while 
after this transport, the surgeon came into the berth, under 
pretence of taking something out of the medicine chest, and 
with a smiling aspect, wished us joy of our deliverance, 
which, he said, he had been at great pains to obtain of the 
captain, who was very justly incensed at our behaviour; but 
he (the doctor) had passed his word for our future conduct, 
and he hoped we should give him no cause to repent of his 
kindness. He expected, no doubt, an acknowledgement from us 
for this pretended piece of service, as well as a general 
amnesty of what was past; but he had to do with people who 
were not quite so apt to forgive injuries as he imagined, or 
to forget that, if our deliverance was owing to his 
mediation, our calamity was occasioned by his malice. I 
therefore sat silent, while my companion answered, 'Ay, ay, 
'tis no matter. Got knows the heart - there is a time for 
all things, as the wise man saith, there is a time for 
throwing away stones, and a time to gather them up again.' 
He seemed to be disconcerted at this reply, and went away in 
a pet, muttering something about 'ingratitude' and 'fellows' 
of which we did not think fit to take any notice.
Our fleet having joined another that waited for us, lay at 
anchor about a month in the harbour at Port Royal in 
Jamaica, during which time something of consequence was 
certainly transacted; notwithstanding the insinuations of 
some who affirmed we had no business at all in that place; 
that, in order to take the advantage of the season proper 
for our enterprise, the West India squadron, which had 
previous notice of our coming, ought to have joined us at 
the west end of Hispaniola, with necessary stores and 
refreshments, from whence we could have sailed directly for 
Carthagena, before the enemy could put themselves in a good 
posture of defence, or, indeed, have an inkling of our 
design. Be this as it will, we sailed from Jamaica, and, in 
ten days or a fortnight, beat up against the wind as far as 
the Isle of Vache, with an intention, as was said, to attack 
the French fleet, then supposed to be lying near that place; 
but, before we arrived, they had sailed for Europe, having 
first despatched an advice-boat to Carthagena, with an 
account of our being in those seas, as also of our strength 
and destination. We loitered here some days longer, taking 
in wood and brackish water, in the use whereof, however, our 
admiral seemed to consult the health of the men, by 
restricting each to a quart a day. At length we set sail, 
and arrived in a bay to the windward of Carthagena, where we 
came to an anchor, and lay at our ease ten days longer. Here 
again certain malicious people took occasion to blame the 
conduct of their superiors, by saying that, in so doing, 
they not only unprofitably wasted time, which was very 
precious, considering the approach of the rainy season, but 
also allowed the Spaniards to recollect themselves from the 
terror occasioned by the approach of an English fleet, at 
least three times as numerous as ever appeared in that part 
of the world before. But, if I might be allowed to give my 
opinion of the matter, I would ascribe this delay to the 
generosity of our chiefs, who scorned to take any advantage 
that fortune might give them, even over an enemy. At last, 
however, we weighed, and anchored again somewhat nearer the 
harbour's mouth, where we made shift to land our marines, 
who encamped on the beach in despite of the enemy's shot, 
which knocked a good many of them on the head. This piece of 
conduct, in choosing a camp under the walls of an enemy's 
fortification, which, I believe, never happened before, was 
practised, I presume, with a view to accustoming the 
soldiers to stand fire, who were not as yet much used to 
discipline, most of them having been taken from the plough-
tail a few months before. This expedient again has furnished 
matters for censure against the ministry, for sending a few 
raw recruits on such an important enterprise, while so many 
veteran regiments lay inactive at home. But surely our 
governors had their reasons for so doing, which possibly may 
be disclosed with other secrets of the deep. Perhaps they 
were loth to risk their best troops on such desperate 
service, or the colonel and field officers of the old corps, 
who, generally speaking, enjoyed their commissions as 
sinecures or pensions, for some domestic services tendered 
to the court, refused to embark in such a dangerous and 
precarious undertaking; for which refusal, no doubt, they 
are much to be commended.



Chapter 32

Our forces, being landed and stationed as I have already 
mentioned, set about erecting a fascine battery to cannonade 
the principal fort of the enemy, and in something more than 
three weeks it was ready to open. That we might do the 
Spaniards as much honour as possible, it was determined, in 
a council of war, that five of our largest ships should 
attack the fort on one side, while the battery, strengthened 
by two mortars and twenty-four cohorns, should ply it on the 
other.
Accordingly the signal for our ship to engage, among others, 
was hoisted, we being advertised the night before to make 
everything clear for that purpose; and in so doing, a 
difference happened between Captain Oakum and his well-
beloved cousin and counsellor Mackshane, which had well-nigh 
terminated in an open rupture. The doctor, who had imagined 
there was no more danger of being hurt by the enemy's shot 
in the cockpit than in the centre of the earth, was lately 
informed that a surgeon's mate had been killed in that part 
of the ship, by a cannon-ball from two small redoubts that 
were destroyed before the disembarkation of our soldiers; 
and therefore insisted upon having a platform raised for the 
convenience of the sick and wounded in the after-hold, where 
he deemed himself more secure than on the deck above. The 
captain, offended at this extraordinary proposal, accused 
him of pusillanimity, and told him there was no room in the 
hold for such an occasion; or if there was, he could not 
expect to be indulged more than the rest of the surgeons of 
the navy, who used the cockpit for that purpose. Fear 
rendering Mackshane obstinate, he persisted in his demand, 
and showed his instructions by which it was authorized. The 
captain swore these instructions were dictated by a parcel 
of lazy poltroons who were never at sea; nevertheless, he 
was obliged to comply and sent for the carpenter to give him 
orders about it: but, before any such measure could be 
taken, our signal was thrown out, and the doctor compelled 
to trust his carcass in the cockpit, where Morgan and I were 
busy in putting our instruments and dressings in order.
Our ship, with others destined for this service, immediately 
weighed, and, in less than half an hour, came to an anchor 
before the castle of Boca Chica, with a spring upon our 
cable; and the cannonading (which, indeed, was terrible!) 
began. The surgeon, after having crossed himself, fell flat 
on the deck; and the chaplain and purser, who were stationed 
with us in quality of assistants, followed his example, 
while the Welshman and I sat upon a chest looking at one 
another with great discomposure, scarce able to refrain from 
the like prostration. And, that the reader may know it was 
not a common occasion that alarmed us thus, I must inform 
him of the particulars of this dreadful din that astounded 
us. The fire of the Spaniards proceeded from eighty-four 
great guns, beside a mortar and small arms in Boca Chica, 
thirty-six in Fort St Joseph, twenty in two fascine 
batteries, and four men-of-war, mounting sixty-four guns 
each. This was answered by our land battery, mounted with 
twenty-one cannon, two mortars, and twenty-four cohorns, and 
five great ships of eighty or seventy guns, that fired 
without intermission. We had not been many minutes engaged, 
when one of the sailors brought another on his back to the 
cockpit, where he tossed him down like a bag of oats, and 
pulling out his pouch, put a large chew of tobacco in his 
mouth, without speaking a word. Morgan immediately examined 
the condition of the wounded man, and cried out, 'As I shall 
answer now, the man is as tead as my great-grandfather.' - 
'Dead,' said his comrade, 'he may be dead now, for aught I 
know, but I'll be damned if he was not alive when I took him 
up.' So saying, he was about to return to his quarters, when 
I bade him carry the body along with him and throw it 
overboard. - 'Damn the body!' said he, 'I think 'tis fair 
enough if I take care of my own.' My fellow-mate, snatching 
up the amputation knife, pursued him half-way up the cockpit 
ladder, crying, 'You lousy rascal, is this the churchyard, 
or the charnel-house, or the sepulchre, or the Golgotha of 
the ship?' but was stopped in his career by one calling, 'Yo 
ho, avast there-scaldings.' 'Scaldings!' answered Morgan, 
'Got knows, 'tis hot enough, indeed: who are you?' 'Here's 
one,' replied the voice. And I immediately knew it to be 
that of my honest friend, Jack Rattlin, who, coming towards 
me, told me, with great deliberation, he was come to be 
docked at last, and discovered the remains of one hand which 
had been shattered to pieces with a grape-shot. I lamented 
with unfeigned sorrow his misfortune, which he bore with 
heroic courage, observing that every shot had its 
commission. It was well it did not take him in the head; or, 
if it had, what then? he should have died bravely fighting 
for his king and country: death was a debt which every man 
owed, and must pay; and that now was as well as another 
time. I was much pleased and edified with the maxims of this 
sea philosopher, who endured the amputation of his left hand 
without shrinking; the operation being performed, at his 
request, by me, after Mackshane, who was with difficulty 
prevailed to lift his head from the deck, had declared there 
was a necessity for his losing the limb. While I was 
employed in dressing the stump, I asked Jack's opinion of 
the battle, who, shaking his head, frankly told me, he 
believed we should do no good; 'For why? because instead of 
dropping anchor close under shore, where we should have had 
to deal with one corner of Boca Chica only, we had opened 
the harbour, and exposed ourselves to the whole fire of the 
enemy from their shipping and Fort St Joseph, as well as 
from the castle we intended to cannonade; that, besides, we 
lay at too great a distance to damage the walls, and three 
parts in four of our shot did not take place; for there was 
scarce anybody on board who understood the pointing of a 
gun. Ah! God help us!' continued he, 'if your kinsman 
Lieutenant Bowling had been here, we should have had other 
guesswork.'
By this time our patients had increased to such a number, 
that we did not know which to begin with; and the first mate 
plainly told the surgeon that, if he did not get up 
immediately and perform his duty, he would complain of his 
behaviour to the admiral, and make application for his 
warrant. This remonstrance effectually roused Mackshane, who 
was never deaf to an argument in which he thought his 
interest was concerned; he therefore rose up, and in order 
to strengthen his resolution, had recourse more than once to 
a case-bottle of rum, which he freely communicated to the 
chaplain and purser, who had as much need of such 
extraordinary inspiration as himself: being thus supported, 
he went to work, and arms and legs were hewed down without 
mercy. The fumes of the liquor mounting into the parson's 
brain, conspired, with his former agitation of spirits, to 
make him quite delirious; he stripped himself to the skin, 
and besmearing his body with blood, could scarce be withheld 
from running upon deck in that condition. Jack Rattlin, 
scandalized at this deportment, endeavoured to allay his 
transports with reason; but, finding all he said 
ineffectual, and great confusion occasioned by his frolics, 
he knocked him down with his right hand, and by threats kept 
him quiet in that state of humiliation. But it was not in 
the power of rum to elevate the purser, who sat on the 
floor, wringing his hands, and cursing the hour in which he 
left his peaceable profession of a brewer in Rochester, to 
engage in such a life of terror and disquiet. While we 
diverted ourselves at the expense of this poor devil, a shot 
happened to take us between wind and water, and, its course 
being through the purser's store-room, made a terrible havoc 
and noise among the jars and bottles on its way, and 
disconcerted Mackshane so much, that he dropped his scalpel, 
and, falling down on his knees, pronounced his paternoster 
aloud; the purser fell backward, and lay without sense or 
motion; and the chaplain grew so outrageous, that Rattlin 
with one hand could not keep him under; so that we were 
obliged to confine him in the surgeon's cabin, where he was 
no doubt guilty of a thousand extravagances. Much about this 
time, my old antagonist Crampley came down, with express 
orders, as he said, to bring me up to the quarter-deck, to 
dress a slight wound the captain had received by a splinter; 
his reason for honouring me in particular with this piece of 
service being, that, in case I should be killed or disabled 
by the way, my death or mutilation would be of less 
consequence to the ship's company than that of the doctor or 
his first mate. At another time, perhaps, I might have 
disputed this order, to which I was not bound to pay the 
least regard; but as I thought my reputation depended upon 
my compliance, I was resolved to convince my rival that I 
was no more afraid than he of exposing myself to danger. 
With this view I provided myself with dressings, and 
followed him immediately to the quarter-deck, through a most 
infernal scene of slaughter, fire, smoke, and uproar! 
Captain Oakum, who leaned against the mizzenmast, no sooner 
saw me approach in my shirt, with the sleeves tucked up to 
my armpits, and my hands dyed with blood, than he signified 
his displeasure by a frown, and asked why the doctor himself 
did not come? I told him Crampley had singled me out, as if 
by express command; at which reply he seemed surprised, and 
threatened to punish the midshipman for his presumption 
after the engagement: in the meantime I was sent back to my 
station, and ordered to tell Mackshane that the captain 
expected him immediately. I got safe back, and delivered my 
commission to the doctor, who flatly refused to quit the 
post assigned to him by his instructions; whereupon Morgan, 
who, I believe, was jealous of my reputation for courage, 
undertook the affair, and ascended with great intrepidity. 
The captain, finding the surgeon obstinate, suffered himself 
to be dressed, and swore he would confine Mackshane as soon 
as the service should be over.



Chapter 33

Having cannonaded the fort during the space of four hours, 
we were all ordered to slip our cables and sheer off; but 
next day the engagement was renewed, and continued from the 
morning till the afternoon, when the enemy's fire from Boca 
Chica slackened, and towards evening was quite silenced. A 
breach being made on the other side by our land battery, 
large enough to admit a middle-sized baboon, provided he 
could find means to climb up to it - our general proposed to 
give the assault that very night, and actually ordered a 
detachment on that duty. Providence stood our friend upon 
this occasion, and put it into the hearts of the Spaniards 
to abandon the fort, which might have been maintained by 
resolute men till the day of judgement, against all the 
force we could exert in the attack; and while our soldiers 
took possession of the enemy's ramparts without resistance, 
the same good luck attended a body of sailors, who made 
themselves masters of Fort St Joseph, the fascine batteries, 
and one Spanish man-of-war; the other three being burnt or 
sunk by the foe, that they might not fall into our hands. 
The taking of these forts, in the strength of which the 
Spaniards chiefly confided, made us masters of the outward 
harbour, and occasioned great joy among us; as we laid our 
accounts with finding little or no opposition from the town; 
and, indeed, if a few great ships had sailed up immediately, 
before they had recovered from the confusion and despair 
that our unexpected success had produced among them, it is 
not impossible that we might have finished the affair to our 
satisfaction, without any more bloodshed; but this step our 
heroes disdained, as a barbarous insult over the enemy's 
distress, and gave them all the respite they could desire, 
in order to recollect themselves. In the meantime, 
Mackshane, taking the advantage of this general exultation, 
waited on our captain, and pleaded his cause so effectually, 
that he was re-established in his good graces; and as for 
Crampley, there was no more notice taken of his behaviour 
towards me during the action. But of all the consequences of 
the victory, none was more grateful than plenty of fresh 
water, after we had languished five weeks on the allowance 
of a purser's quart per diem for each man, in the torrid 
zone, where the sun was vertical, and the expense of bodily 
fluid so great, that a gallon of liquor could scarce supply 
the waste of twenty-four hours; especially as our provision 
consisted of putrid salt beef, to which the sailors gave the 
name of Irish horse; salt pork of New England, which, though 
neither fish nor flesh, savoured of both; bread from the 
same country, every biscuit whereof, like a piece of clock-
work, moved by its own internal impulse, occasioned by the 
myriads of insects that dwelt within it; and butter served 
out by the gill, that tasted like train-oil thickened with 
salt. Instead of small beer, each man was allowed three half-
quarterns of brandy or rum, which were distributed every 
morning, diluted with a certain quantity of his water, 
without either sugar or fruit to render it palatable; for 
which reason, this composition was, by the sailors, not 
unaptly styled ;Necessity. Nor was this limitation of simple 
element owing to a scarcity of it on board, for there was at 
this time water enough in the ship for a voyage of six 
months, at the rate of half a gallon per day to each man: 
but this fast must, I suppose, have been enjoined by way of 
penance on the ship's company for their sins; or rather with 
a view to mortify them into a contempt of life, that they 
might thereby become more resolute and regardless of danger. 
How simply, then, do those people argue, who ascribe the 
mortality among us to our bad provision and want of water; 
and affirm that a great many valuable lives might have been 
saved, if the useless transports had been employed in 
fetching fresh stock, turtle, fruit, and other refreshments 
from Jamaica, and other adjacent islands, for the use of the 
army and fleet! seeing, it is to be hoped, that those who 
died went to a better place, and those who survived were the 
more easily maintained. After all, a sufficient number 
remained to fall before the walls of St Lazar, where they 
behaved like their own country mastiffs, which shut their 
eyes, run into the jaws of a bear, and have their heads 
crushed for their valour.
But to return to my narration. After having put garrisons 
into the forts we had taken, and re-embarked our soldiers 
and artillery, a piece of service that detained us more than 
a week, we ventured up to the mouth of the inner harbour, 
guarded by a large fortification on one side, and a small 
redoubt on the other, both of which were deserted before our 
approach, and the entrance of the harbour blocked up by 
several old galleons, and two men-of-war that the enemy had 
sunk in the channel. We made shift, however, to open a 
passage for some ships, that favoured a second landing of 
our troops, at a place called La Quinta, not far from the 
town, where, after a faint resistance from a body of 
Spaniards who opposed their disembarkation, they encamped 
with a design of besieging the castle of St Lazar, which 
overlooked and commanded the city. Whether our renowned 
general had nobody in his army who knew how to approach it 
in form, or that he trusted entirely to the fame of his 
arms, I shall not determine; but, certain it is, a 
resolution was taken in a council of war to attack the place 
with musketry only. This was put in execution, and succeeded 
accordingly; the enemy giving them such a hearty reception, 
that the greatest part of the detachment took up their 
everlasting residence on the spot. Our chief, not relishing 
this kind of complaisance in the Spaniards, was wise enough 
to retreat on board with the remains of his army, which, 
from eight thousand able men landed on the beach near Boca 
Chica, was now reduced to fifteen hundred fit for service. 
The sick and wounded were squeezed into certain vessels, 
which thence obtained the name of hospital-ships, though 
methinks they scarce deserved such a creditable title, 
seeing few of them could boast of their surgeon, nurse, or 
cook; and the space between decks was so confined, that the 
miserable patients had not room to sit upright in their 
beds. Their wounds and stumps being neglected, contracted 
filth and putrefaction, and millions of maggots were hatched 
amidst the corruption of their sores. This inhuman disregard 
was imputed to the scarcity of surgeons; though it is well 
known that every great ship in the fleet could have spared 
one at least for this duty; an expedient which would have 
been more than sufficient to remove this shocking 
inconvenience. But, perhaps, the general was too much of a 
gentleman to ask a favour of this kind from his fellow-
chief, who, on the other hand, would not derogate so much 
from his own dignity, as to offer such assistance unasked; 
for I may venture to affirm that, by this time, the demon of 
Discord, with her sooty wings, had breathed her influence 
upon our counsels; and it might be said of these great men 
(I hope they will pardon the comparison) as of Caesar and 
Pompey, the one could not brook a superior, and the other 
was impatient of an equal; so that, between the pride of 
one, and insolence of another, the enterprise miscarried, 
according to the proverb, 'Between two stools, the backside 
falls to the ground.' Not that I would be thought to liken 
any public concern to that opprobrious part of the human 
body, though I might with truth assert, if I durst use such 
a vulgar idiom, that the nation did hang an a-se at its 
disappointment on this occasion; neither would I presume to 
compare the capacity of our heroic leaders to any such 
wooden convenience as a joint-stool, or a close-stool, but 
only to signify by this simile the mistake the people 
committed in trusting to the union of two instruments that 
were never joined.
A day or two after the attempt on St Lazar, the admiral 
ordered one of the Spanish men-of-war we had taken to be 
mounted with sixteen guns, and manned with detachments from 
our great ships, in order to batter the town. Accordingly 
she was towed into the inner harbour in the night, and 
moored within half a mile of the walls, against which she 
began to fire at daybreak; and continued about six hours 
exposed to the opposition of at least thirty pieces of 
cannon, which at length obliged our men to set her on fire, 
and get off as well as they could in their boats. This piece 
of conduct afforded matter of speculation to all the wits 
either in the army or navy, who were at last fain to 
acknowledge it was a stroke of policy above their 
comprehension. Some entertained such an irreverent opinion 
of the admiral's understanding, as to think he expected the 
town would surrender to his floating battery of sixteen 
guns. Others imagined his sole intention was to try the 
enemy's strength, by which he should be able to compute the 
number of great ships that would be necessary to force the 
town to a capitulation. But this last conjecture soon 
appeared groundless, inasmuch as no ships of any kind 
whatever were afterwards employed on that service. A third 
sort swore that no other cause could be assigned for this 
undertaking, than that which induced Don Quixote to attack 
the windmill. A fourth class, and that the most numerous, 
though, without doubt, composed of the sanguine and 
malicious, plainly taxed this commander for want of honesty, 
as well as sense; and alleged that he ought to have 
sacrificed private pique to the interest of his country; 
that, where the lives of so many brave fellow-citizens were 
concerned, he ought to have concurred with the general, 
without being solicited, or even desired, towards their 
preservation and advantage; that, if his arguments could not 
dissuade him from a desperate enterprise, it was his duty to 
have rendered it as practicable as possible, without running 
extreme hazard; that this could have been done, with a good 
prospect of success, by ordering five or six large ships to 
batter the town, while the land forces stormed the castle; 
by these means a considerable diversion would have been made 
in favour of those troops, who, in their march to the 
assault, and in their retreat, suffered much more from the 
town than from the castle; that the inhabitants, seeing 
themselves vigorously attacked on all hands, would have been 
divided, distracted, and confused, and, in all probability, 
unable to resist the assailants. But all these suggestions 
surely proceeded from ignorance and malevolence, or else the 
admiral would not have found it such an easy matter, at his 
return to England, to justify his conduct to a ministry at 
once so upright and discerning. True it is, that those who 
undertook to vindicate him on the spot, asserted that there 
was not water enough for our great ships near the town; 
though this was a little unfortunately urged, because there 
happened to be pilots in the fleet perfectly well acquainted 
with the soundings of the harbour, who affirmed there was 
water enough for five eighty-gun ships to lie abreast, 
almost up at the very walls. The disappointments we suffered 
occasioned a universal dejection, which was not at all 
alleviated by the objects that daily and hourly entertained 
our eyes, nor by the prospect of what must have inevitably 
happened, had we remained much longer in this place. Such 
was the economy in some ships, that, rather than be at the 
trouble of interring the dead, the commanders ordered their 
men to throw their bodies overboard, many without either 
ballast or winding-sheet; so that numbers of human carcasses 
floated in the harbour, until they were devoured by sharks 
and carrion crows, which afforded no agreeable spectacle to 
those who survived. At the same time the wet season began, 
during which a deluge of rain falls from the rising to the 
setting of the sun, without intermission; and that no sooner 
ceases, than it begins to thunder and lighten with such 
continual flashing, that one can see to read a very small 
print by the illumination.



Chapter 34

The change of the atmosphere, occasioned by this phenomenon, 
conspired, with the stench that surrounded us, the heat of 
the climate, our own constitutions impoverished by bad 
provisions, and our despair, to introduce the bilious fever 
among us, which raged with such violence, that three-fourths 
of those whom it invaded died in a deplorable manner; the 
colour of their skin being, by the extreme putrefaction of 
the juices, changed into that of soot.
Our conductors, finding things in this situation, perceived 
it was high time to relinquish our conquests; and this we 
did, after having rendered their artillery useless, and 
blown up their walls with gunpowder. Just as we sailed from 
Boca Chica on our return to Jamaica, I found myself 
threatened with the symptoms of this terrible distemper; and 
knowing very well that I stood no chance for my life if I 
should be obliged to lie in the cockpit, which by this time 
was grown intolerable, even to people in health, by reason 
of the heat and unwholesome smell of decayed provision, I 
wrote a petition to the captain, representing my case, and 
humbly imploring his permission to lie among the soldiers in 
the middle deck, for the benefit of the air: but I might 
have spared myself the trouble; for this humane commander 
refused my request, and ordered me to continue in the place 
allotted for the surgeon's mates, or else to be contented to 
lie in the hospital, which, by the bye, was three degrees 
more offensive and more suffocating than our own berth 
below. Another in my condition, perhaps, would have 
submitted to his fate, and died in a pet; but I could not 
brook the thoughts of perishing so pitifully, after I had 
weathered so many gales of hard fortune. I therefore, 
without minding Oakum's injunction, prevailed upon the 
soldiers, whose good will I had acquired, to admit my 
hammock among them, and actually congratulated myself upon 
my comfortable situation; which Crampley no sooner 
understood, than he signified to the captain my contempt of 
his orders, and was invested with the power to turn me down 
again into my proper habitation. This barbarous piece of 
revenge incensed me so much against the author, that I 
vowed, with bitter imprecations, to call him to a severe 
account, if ever it should be in my power; and the agitation 
of my spirits increased my fever to a violent degree. While 
I lay gasping for breath in this infernal abode, I was 
visited by a sergeant, the bones of whose nose I had reduced 
and set to rights, after they had been demolished by a 
splinter during our last engagement. He being informed of my 
condition, offered me the use of his berth in the middle 
deck, which was enclosed with canvas, and well aired by a 
porthole that remained open within it. I embraced this 
proposal with joy, and was immediately conducted to the 
place, where I was treated, while my illness lasted, with 
the utmost tenderness and care by this grateful halberdier, 
who had no other bed for himself than a hen-coop, during the 
whole passage. Here I lay, and enjoyed the breeze; 
notwithstanding which, my malady gained ground, and at 
length my life was despaired of, though I never lost hopes 
of recovery, even when I had the mortification to see, from 
my cabin window, six or seven thrown overboard every day, 
who died of the same distemper. This confidence, I am 
persuaded, conduced a great deal to the preservation of my 
life, especially when joined to another resolution I took at 
the beginning, namely, to refuse all medicine, which I could 
not help thinking co-operated with the disease, and, instead 
of resisting putrefaction, promoted a total degeneracy of 
the vital fluid. When my friend Morgan, therefore, brought 
his diaphoretic boluses, I put them in my mouth, 'tis true, 
but without any intention of swallowing them; and, when he 
went away, spit them out, and washed my mouth with water-
gruel: I seemingly complied in this manner, that I might not 
affront the blood of Caractacus, by a refusal which might 
have intimated a diffidence of his physical capacity; for he 
acted as my physician, Doctor Mackshane never once inquiring 
about me, or even knowing where I was. When my distemper was 
at the height, Morgan thought my case desperate; and, after 
having applied a blister to the nape of my neck, squeezed my 
hand, bidding me, with a woeful countenance, recommend 
myself to Got and my Reteemer; then taking his leave, 
desired the chaplain to come and administer some spiritual 
consolation to me; but before he arrived, I made shift to 
rid myself of the troublesome application the Welshman had 
bestowed on my back. The parson having felt my pulse, 
inquired into the nature of my complaints, hemmed a little, 
and began thus: 'Mr Random, God out of his infinite mercy 
hath been pleased to visit you with a dreadful distemper, 
the issue of which no man knows. You may be permitted to 
recover, and live many days on the face of the earth; and, 
which is more probable, you may be taken away and cut off in 
the flower of your youth. It is incumbent on you, therefore, 
to prepare for the great change, by repenting sincerely of 
your sins; of this there cannot be a greater sign, than an 
ingenuous confession, which I conjure you to make, without 
hesitation or mental reservation; and when I am convinced of 
your sincerity, I will then give you such comfort as the 
situation of your soul will admit of. Without doubt, you 
have been guilty of numberless transgressions to which youth 
is subject, as swearing, drunkenness, whoredom, and 
adultery; tell me, therefore, without reserve, the 
particulars of each, especially the last, that I may be 
acquainted with the true state of your conscience: for no 
physician will prescribe for his patient until he knows the 
circumstances of his disease.' As I was not under any 
apprehensions of death, I could not help smiling at the 
chaplain's inquisitive remonstrance, which I told him 
savoured more of the Roman than of the Protestant Church, in 
recommending auricular confession; a thing, in my opinion, 
not at all necessary to salvation, and which, for that 
reason, I declined. This reply disconcerted him a little; 
however, he explained away his meaning, in making learned 
distinctions between what was absolutely necessary and what 
was only convenient; then proceeded to ask what religion I 
professed. I answered, that I had not as yet considered the 
difference of religions, consequently had not fixed on any 
one in particular, but that I was bred a Presbyterian. At 
this word the chaplain expressed great astonishment, and 
said he could not apprehend how a Presbyterian was entitled 
to any post under the English Government. Then he asked if I 
had ever received the sacrament, or taken the oaths; to 
which questions I replying in the negative, he held up his 
hands, assured me he could do me no service, wished I might 
not be in a state of reprobation, and returned to his 
messmates, who were making merry in the ward-room, round a 
table well stored with bumbo and wine. This insinuation, 
terrible as it was, had not such an effect upon me as the 
fever, which, soon after he had left me, grew outrageous; I 
began to see strange chimeras, and concluded myself on the 
point of become delirious: in the meantime, being in great 
danger of suffocation, I started up in a kind of frantic 
fit, with an intention to plunge myself into the sea; and as 
my friend the sergeant was not present, would certainly have 
cooled myself to some purpose, had I not perceived a 
moisture upon my thigh, as I endeavoured to get out of my 
hammock. The appearance of this revived my hopes, and I had 
reflection and resolution enough to take advantage of this 
favourable symptom, by tearing the shirt from my body, and 
sheets from my bed, and wrapping myself in a thick blanket, 
in which enclosure, for about a quarter of an hour, I felt 
the pains of hell; but it was not long before I was 
recompensed for my suffering, by a profuse sweat that, 
bursting from the whole surface of my skin, in less than two 
hours relieved me from all my complaints, except that of 
weakness; and left me as hungry as a kite.
I enjoyed a very comfortable nap, after which I was regaling 
myself with the agreeable reverie of my future happiness, 
when I heard Morgan, on the outside of the curtain, ask the 
sergeant if I was alive still? 'Alive!' cried the other, 
'God forbid he should be otherwise! he has lain quiet these 
five hours, and I do not choose to disturb him, for sleep 
will do him great service.' 'Ay,' said my fellow-mate, 'he 
sleeps so sound, look you, that he will never waken till the 
great trump blows. Got be merciful to his soul! He has paid 
his debt like an honest man. Ay, and moreover he is at rest 
from all persecutions, and troubles, and afflictions, of 
which, Got knows, and I know, he had his own share. Ochree! 
Ochree! he was a promising youth, indeed.' So saying, he 
groaned grievously, and began to whine in such a manner as 
persuaded me he had a real friendship for me. The sergeant, 
alarmed at his words, came into the berth, and while he 
looked upon me, I smiled, and tipped him the wink: he 
immediately guessed my meaning, and, remaining silent, 
Morgan was confirmed in his opinion of my being dead: 
whereupon he approached with tears in his eyes, in order to 
indulge his grief with the sight of the object. And I 
counterfeited death so well, by fixing my eyes, and dropping 
my under-jaw, that he said, 'There he lies, no petter than a 
lump of clay, Got help me'; and observed, by the distortion 
of my face, that I must have had a strong struggle. I should 
not have been able to contain myself much longer, when he 
began to perform the last duty of a friend, in closing my 
eyes and my mouth; upon which I suddenly snapped at his 
fingers, and discomposed him so much, that he started back, 
turned pale as ashes, and stared like the picture of Horror. 
Although I could not help laughing at his appearance, I was 
concerned for his situation, and stretched out my hand, 
telling him I hoped to live and eat some salmagundy of his 
making in England. It was some time before he could 
recollect himself so far as to feel my pulse, and inquire 
into the particulars of my disease. But when he found I had 
enjoyed a favourable crisis, he congratulated me upon my 
good fortune, not failing to ascribe it, under Got, to the 
blister he had applied to my back at his last visit. 'Which, 
by the bye,' said he, 'must now be removed and dressed.' He 
was actually going to fetch dressings, when I, feigning 
astonishment, said, 'Bless me! sure you never applied a 
blister to me; there is nothing on my back, I assure you.' 
But he could not be convinced till he had examined it, and 
then endeavoured to conceal his confusion, by expressing his 
surprise in finding the skin untouched, and the plaster 
missing. In order to excuse myself for paying so little 
regard to his prescription, I pretended to have been 
insensible when it was put on, and to have pulled it off 
afterwards in a fit of delirium. This apology satisfied my 
friend, who on this occasion abated a good deal of his 
stiffness in regard to punctilio; and as we were now safely 
arrived at Jamaica, where I had the benefit of fresh 
provisions and other refreshments, I recovered strength 
every day, and, in a short time, my health and vigour were 
perfectly re-established. When I got up at last, and was 
just able to crawl about the deck with a staff in my hand, I 
met Doctor Mackshane, who passed by me with a disdainful 
look, and did not vouchsafe to honour me with one word. 
After him came Crampley, who, strutting up to me, with a 
fierce countenance, pronounced, 'Here's fine discipline on 
board, when such lazy skulking sons of bitches as you are 
allowed, on pretence of sickness, to lollop at your ease, 
while your betters are kept to hard duty!' The sight and 
behaviour of this malicious scoundrel enraged me so much, 
that I could scarce refrain from laying my cudgel across his 
pate; but when I considered my present feebleness, and the 
enemies I had in the ship, who wanted only a pretence to 
ruin me, I restrained my passion, and contented myself with 
telling him, I had not forgot his insolence and malice, and 
that I hoped we should meet one day on shore. At this 
declaration he grinned, shook his fist, and swore he longed 
for nothing more than such an opportunity.
Meanwhile our ship was ordered to be heaved down, 
victualled, and watered, for her return to England; and our 
captain, for some reason or other, not thinking it 
convenient for him to revisit his native country at this 
time, exchanged with a gentleman who, on the other hand, 
wished for nothing so much as to be safe without the tropic; 
all his care and tenderness of himself being insufficient to 
preserve his complexion from the injuries of the sun and 
weather.
Our tyrant having left the ship, and carried his favourite 
Mackshane along with him, to my inexpressible satisfaction, 
our new commander came on board in a ten-oared barge, over-
shadowed with a vast umbrella, and appeared in everything 
the reverse of Oakum, being a tall, thin, young man, dressed 
in this manner: a white hat, garnished with a red feather, 
adorned his head, from whence his hair flowed upon his 
shoulders in ringlets, tied behind with a ribbon. His coat, 
consisting of pink-coloured silk lined with white, by the 
elegance of the cut retired backward, as it were to discover 
a white satin waistcoat embroidered with gold, unbuttoned at 
the upper part to display a brooch set with garnets, that 
glittered in the breast of his shirt, which was of the 
finest cambric, edged with right Mechlin. The knees of his 
crimson velvet breeches scarcely descended so low as to meet 
his silk stockings, which rose without spot or wrinkle on 
his meagre legs, from shoes of blue Meroquin, studded with 
diamond buckles, that flamed forth rivals to the sun! A 
steel-hilted sword, inlaid with gold, and decked with a knot 
of ribbon which fell down in a rich tassel, equipped his 
side; and an amber-headed cane hung dangling from his wrist. 
But the most remarkable parts of his furniture were, a mask 
on his face, and white gloves on his hands, which did not 
seem to be put on with an intention to be pulled off 
occasionally, but were fixed with a curious ring on the 
little finger of each hand. In this garb Captain Whiffle, 
for that was his name, took possession of the ship, 
surrounded with a crowd of attendants, all of whom, in their 
different degrees, seemed to be of their patron's 
disposition; and the air was so impregnated with perfumes, 
that one may venture to affirm the clime of Arabia Felix was 
not half so sweet-scented. My fellow-mate, observing no 
surgeon among his train, thought he had found an occasion 
too favourable for himself to be neglected; and remembering 
the old proverb, 'Spare to speak, and spare to speed,' 
resolved to solicit the new captain's interest immediately, 
before any other surgeon could be appointed for the ship. 
With this view he repaired to the cabin in his ordinary 
dress, consisting of a check shirt and trousers, a brown 
linen waistcoat, and a nightcap of the same (neither of them 
very clean), which, for his future misfortune, happened to 
smell strong of tobacco. Entering without any ceremony into 
this sacred place, he found Captain Whiffle reposing on a 
couch, with a wrapper of fine chintz about his body, and a 
muslin cap bordered with lace about his head; and, after 
several low congees, began in this manner: 'Sir, I hope you 
will forgive, and excuse, and pardon the presumption of one 
who has not the honour of being known unto you, but who is, 
nevertheless, a shentleman porn and pred, and moreover has 
had misfortunes, Got help me, in the world.' Here he was 
interrupted by the captain, who, on seeing him, had started 
up with great amazement at the novelty of the apparition; 
and having recollected himself, pronounced, with a look and 
tone signifying disdain, curiosity, and surprise, 'Zauns! 
who art thou?' 'I am surgeon's first mate on board of this 
ship,' replied Morgan, 'and I most vehemently desire and 
beseech you, with all submission, to be pleased to 
condescend, and vouchsafe to inquire into my character, and 
my pehaviour, and my deserts, which, under Got, I hope will 
entitle me to the vacancy of surgeon.' As he proceeded in 
his speech, he continued advancing towards the captain, 
whose nostrils were no sooner saluted with the aromatic 
flavour that exhaled from him, than he cried, with great 
emotion, 'Heaven preserve me! I am suffocated! Fellow, 
fellow, away with thee. Curse thee, fellow! get thee gone. I 
shall be stunk to death!' At the noise of his outcries, his 
servants ran into his apartment, and he accosted them thus: 
'Villains! cut-throats! traitors! I am betrayed! I am 
sacrificed! - Will you not carry that monster away? or must 
I be stifled with the stench of him! oh! oh!' With these 
interjections he sunk down upon his settee in a fit; his 
valet de chambre plied him with a smelling-bottle, one 
footman chafed his temples with Hungary water, another 
sprinkled the floor with spirits of lavender, a third pushed 
Morgan out of the cabin; who, coming to the place where I 
was, sat down with a demure countenance, and, according to 
his custom, when he received an indignity which he durst not 
revenge, began to sing a Welsh ditty. I guessed he was under 
some agitation of spirits, and desired to know the cause; 
but, instead of answering me directly, he asked, with great 
emotion, if I thought him a monster and a stinkard? 'A 
monster and a stinkard!' said I, with some surprise; 'did 
anybody call you so?' 'Got is my judge,' replied he, 
'Captain Fifle did call me both; ay, and all the water in 
the Tawy will not wash it out of my remembrance. I do 
affirm, and vouch, and maintain, with my soul, and my pody, 
and my plood, look you, that I have no smells about me, but 
such as a Christian ought to have, except the effluvia of 
tobacco, which is a cephalic, odoriferous, aromatic herb, 
and he is a son of a mountain goat who says otherwise. As 
for my being a monster, let that be as it is: I am as Got 
was pleased to create me, which, peradventure, is more than 
I shall aver of him who gave me that title; for I will 
proclaim it before the world, that he is disguised, and 
transfigured, and transmogrified with affection and 
whimsies, and that he is more like a papoon than one of the 
human race.'



Chapter 35

He was going on with an eulogium upon the captain, when I 
received a message to clean myself, and go up to the great 
cabin; and with this command I instantly complied, 
sweetening myself with rose water from the medicine chest. 
When I entered the room, I was ordered to stand by the door, 
until Captain Whiffle had reconnoitred me at a distance with 
a spy-glass. He having consulted one sense in this manner, 
bade me advance gradually, that his nose might have 
intelligence before it could be much offended. I therefore 
approached with great caution and success, and he was 
pleased to say, 'Ay, this creature is tolerable.' I found 
him lolling on his couch with a languishing air, his head 
supported by his valet de chambre, who, from time to time, 
applied a smelling-bottle to his nose. 'Vergette,' said he, 
in a squeaking tone, 'dost thou think this wretch (meaning 
me) will do me no injury? may I venture to submit my arm to 
him?' 'Pon my vord,' replied the valet, 'I do tink dat dere 
be great occasion for your honour losing one small quantity 
of blodt; and the young man ave quelque chose of de bonne 
mien.' 'Well, then,' said his master, 'I think I must 
venture.' Then, addressing himself to me, 'Hast thou ever 
blooded anybody but brutes? But I need not ask thee, for 
thou wilt tell me a most damnable lie.' 'Brutes, Sir,' 
answered I, pulling down his glove, in order to feel his 
pulse, 'I never meddle with brutes.' 'What the devil art 
thou about?' cried he; 'dost thou intend to twist off my 
hand? God's curse! my arm is benumbed up to the very 
shoulder! Heaven have mercy upon me! must I perish under the 
hands of savages? What an unfortunate dog was I, to come on 
board without my own surgeon, Mr Simper!' I craved pardon 
for having handled him so roughly, and, with the utmost care 
and tenderness, tied up his arm with a fillet of silk. While 
I was feeling for the vein, he desired to know how much 
blood I intended to take from him, and when I answered, 'Not 
above twelve ounces,' started up with a look full of horror, 
and bade me be gone, swearing I had a design upon his life. 
Vergette appeased him with difficulty, and opening a bureau, 
took out a pair of scales, in one of which was placed a 
small cup; and putting them into my hands, told me the 
captain never lost above an ounce and three drachms at one 
time. While I prepared for this important evacuation, there 
came into the cabin a young man gaily dressed, of a very 
delicate complexion, with a kind of languid smile on his 
face, which seemed to have been rendered habitual by a long 
course of affectation. The captain no sooner perceived him, 
than, rising hastily, he flew into his arms, crying, 'O! my 
dear Simper! I am excessively disordered! I have been 
betrayed, frighted, murdered by the negligence of my 
servants, who suffered a beast, a mule, a bear, to surprise 
me, and stink me into convulsions with the fumes of 
tobacco.' Simper, who by this time I found was obliged to 
art for the clearness of his complexion, assumed an air of 
softness and sympathy, and lamented, with many tender 
expressions of sorrow, the sad accident that had thrown him 
into that condition; then feeling his patient's pulse on the 
outside of his glove, gave it as his opinion that his 
disorder was entirely nervous, and that some drops of 
tincture of castor, and liquid laudanum would be of more 
service to him than bleeding, by bridling the inordinate 
sallies of his spirits, and composing the fermentation of 
his bile. I was therefore sent to prepare this prescription, 
which was administered in a glass of sack posset; after the 
captain had been put to bed, and orders sent to the officers 
on the quarter-deck, to let nobody walk on that side under 
which he lay.
While the captain enjoyed his repose, the doctor watched 
over him, and indeed became so necessary, that a cabin was 
made for him contiguous to the state-room, where Whime 
slept, that he might be at hand in case of accidents in the 
night. Next day, our commander being happily recovered, gave 
orders, that none of the lieutenants should appear upon deck 
without a wig, sword, and ruffles; nor any midshipman, or 
other petty officer, be seen with a check shirt, or dirty 
linen. He also prohibited any person whatever, except Simper 
and his own servants, from coming into the great cabin, 
without first sending in to obtain leave. These singular 
regulations did not prepossess the ship's company in his 
favour; but on the contrary, gave scandal and opportunity to 
be very busy with his character, and accusing him of 
maintaining a correspondence with the surgeon not fit to be 
named.
In a few weeks, our ship being under sailing orders, I was 
in hopes of revisiting my native country in a very short 
time, when the admiral's surgeon came on board, and sending 
for Morgan and me to the quarter-deck, gave us to understand 
there was a great scarcity of surgeons in the West Indies; 
that he was commanded to detain one mate out of every great 
ship that was bound for England; and desired us to agree 
between ourselves, before the next day at that hour, which 
of us should stay behind. We were thunderstruck at this 
proposal, and stared at one another some time without 
speaking; at length the Welshman broke silence, and offered 
to remain in the West Indies, provided the admiral would 
give him a surgeon's warrant immediately: but he was told 
there was no want of chief surgeons, and that he must be 
contented with the station of mate, till he should be 
further provided for in due course. Whereupon Morgan flatly 
refused to quit the ship for which the Commissioners of the 
Navy had appointed him; and the other told him as plainly, 
that if we could not determine the affair by ourselves 
before tomorrow morning, he must cast lots and abide by his 
chance. When I recalled to my remembrance the miseries I had 
undergone in England, where I had not one friend to promote 
my interest, or favour my advancement in the navy, and, at 
the same time, reflected on the present dearth of surgeons 
in the West Indies, and the unhealthiness of the climate, 
which every day almost reduced the number, I could not help 
thinking my success would be much more certain and 
expeditious, by my staying where I was, than by returning to 
Europe. I therefore resolved to comply with a good grace, 
and next day, when we were ordered to throw dice, told 
Morgan he need not trouble himself, for I would voluntarily 
submit to the admiral's pleasure. This frank declaration was 
commended by the gentleman, who assured me it should not 
fare the worse with me for my resignation. Indeed, he was as 
good as his word, and that very afternoon procured a 
warrant, appointing me surgeon's mate of the Lizard sloop of 
war, which put me on a footing with every first mate in the 
service.
My ticket being made out, I put my chest and bedding on 
board a canoe that lay alongside, and having shook hands 
with my trusty friend the sergeant, and honest Jack Rattlin, 
who was bound for Greenwich Hospital, I took my leave of 
Morgan with many tears, after we had exchanged our sleeve - 
buttons as remembrances of each other. Having presented my 
new warrant to the captain of the Lizard, I inquired for the 
doctor, whom I no sooner saw, than I recollected him to be 
one of those young fellows with whom I had been committed to 
the roundhouse during our frolic with Jackson, as I have 
related before. He received me with a good deal of courtesy, 
and when I put him in mind of our former acquaintance, 
expressed great joy at seeing me again, and recommended me 
to an exceedingly good mess, composed of the gunner and 
master's mate. As there was not one sick person in the ship, 
I got leave to go ashore next day with the gunner, who 
recommended me to a Jew that bought my ticket at the rate of 
forty per cent discount; and having furnished myself with 
what necessaries I wanted, returned on board in the evening, 
and, to my surprise, found my old antagonist Crampley 
walking upon deck. Though I did not fear his enmity, I was 
shocked at his appearance, and communicated my sentiments on 
that subject to Mr Tomlins the surgeon, who told me that 
Crampley, by dint of some friends about the admiral, had 
procured a commission, constituting him lieutenant on board 
the Lizard; and advised me, now he was my superior omcer, to 
behave with some respect towards him, or else he would find 
a thousand opportunities of using me ill. This advice was a 
bitter potion to me, whom pride and resentment had rendered 
utterly incapable of the least submission to, or even of a 
reconciliation with, the wretch who had on many occasions 
treated me so inhumanly. However, I resolved to have as 
little connection as possible with him, and to ingratiate 
myself as much as I could with the rest of the omcers, whose 
friendship might be a bulwark to defend me from the attempts 
of his malice.
In less than a week we sailed on a cruise, and, having 
weathered the east end of the island, had the good fortune 
to take a Spanish barcolongo, with her prize, which was an 
English ship bound for Bristol, that sailed from Jamaica a 
fortnight before without convoy. All the prisoners who were 
well we put on shore on the north side of the island; the 
prizes were manned with Englishmen, and the command of the 
barcolongo given to my friend the master's mate, with orders 
to carry them into Port Morant, and there to remain until 
the Lizard's cruise should be ended, at which time she would 
touch at the same place in her way to Port Royal. With him I 
was sent to attend the wounded Spaniards as well as 
Englishmen, who amounted to sixteen, and to take care of 
them on shore, in a house that was to be hired as an 
hospital. This destination gave me a great deal of pleasure, 
as I should for some time be freed from the arrogance of 
Crampley, whose inveteracy against me had already broke out 
on two or three occasions since he was become a lieutenant. 
My mess-mate, who very much resembled my uncle, both in 
figure and disposition, treated me on board of the prize 
with the utmost civility and confidence; and, among other 
favours, made me a present of a silver-hilted hanger, and a 
pair of pistols mounted with the same metal, which fell to 
his share in plundering the enemy. We arrived safely at 
Morant, and going on shore, pitched upon an empty 
storehouse, which we hired for the reception of the wounded, 
who were brought to it next day, with beds and other 
necessaries; and four of the ship's company appointed to 
attend them and obey me.



Chapter 36

When my patients were all in a fair way, my companion and 
commander, whose name was Brayl, carried me up the country 
to the house of a rich planter, with whom he was acquainted; 
where we were sumptuously entertained, and, in the evening, 
set out on our return to the ship. When we had walked about 
a mile by moonlight, we perceived a horseman behind us, who, 
coming up, wished us good even, and asked which way we went? 
His voice, which was quite familiar to me, no sooner struck 
my ear than, in spite of all my resolution and reflection, 
my hair bristled up, and I was seized with a violent fit of 
trembling, which Brayl misinterpreting, bade me be under no 
concern. I told him he was mistaken in the cause of my 
disorder; and, addressing myself to the person on horseback, 
said, 'I could have sworn by your voice that you were a dear 
friend of mine, if I had not been certain of his death.' To 
this address, after some pause, he replied, 'There are many 
voices as well as faces that resemble one another; but pray, 
what was your friend's name?' I satisfied him in that 
particular, and gave a short detail of the melancholy fate 
of Thomson, not without many sighs and some tears. A silence 
ensued, which lasted some minutes, and then the conversation 
turned on different subjects, till we arrived at a house on 
the road, where the horseman alighted, and begged with so 
much earnestness that we would go in and drink a bowl of 
punch with him, that we could not resist. But if I was 
alarmed at his voice, what must my amazement be when I 
discovered by the light the very person of my lamented 
friend! Perceiving my confusion, which was extreme, he 
clasped me in his arms, and bedewed my face with tears. It 
was some time ere I recovered the use of my reason, 
overpowered with this event, and longer still before I could 
speak; so that all I was capable of was to return his 
embraces, and to mingle the overflowings of my joy with his; 
whilst honest Brayl, affected with the scene, wept as fast 
as either of us, and signified his participation of our 
happiness by hugging us both, and capering about the room 
like a madman. At length I retrieved the use of my tongue, 
and cried, 'Is it possible, can you be my friend Thomson? No 
certainly, alas! he was drowned! and I am now under the 
deception of a dream!' He was at great pains to convince me 
of his being the individual person whom I regretted, and, 
bidding me sit down and compose myself, promised to explain 
his sudden disappearance from the Thunder, and to account 
for his being at present in the land of the living. This 
task he acquitted himself of, after I had drank a glass of 
punch, and recollected my spirits, by informing us that, 
with a determination to rid himself of a miserable existence 
he had gone in the night-time to the head, while the ship 
was on her way, from whence he slipped down as softly as he 
could by the bows into the sea, where, after he was heartily 
ducked, he began to repent of his precipitation, and, as he 
could swim very well, kept himself above water, in hopes of 
being taken up by some of the ships astern; that, in this 
situation, he hailed a large vessel, and begged to be taken 
in, but was answered that she was a heavy sailer, and 
therefore they did not choose to lose time by bringing to; 
however, they threw an old chest overboard for his 
convenience, and told him that some of the ships astern 
would certainly save him; that no other vessels came within 
sight or cry of him for a space of three hours, during which 
time he had the mortification to find himself in the middle 
of the ocean alone, without other support or resting-place 
but what a few crazy boards afforded; till at last he 
discerned a small sloop steering towards him, upon which he 
set up his throat, and had the good fortune to be heard and 
rescued from the dreary waste by their boat, which was 
hoisted out on purpose. 'I was no sooner brought on board,' 
continued he, 'than I fainted, and when I recovered my 
senses, found myself in bed regaled with a most noisome 
smell of onions and cheese, which made me think, at first, 
that I was in my own hammock, alongside of honest Morgan, 
and that all which had passed was no more than a dream. Upon 
inquiry I understood that I was on board of a schooner 
belonging to Rhode Island, bound for Jamaica, with a cargo 
of geese, pigs, onions, and cheese; and that the master's 
name was Robertson, by birth a North Briton, whom I knew at 
first sight to be an old schoolfellow of mine. When I 
discovered myself to him he was transported with surprise 
and joy, and begged to know the occasion of my misfortune, 
which I did not think fit to disclose, because I knew his 
notions with regard to religion were very severe and 
confined; therefore contented myself with telling him, I 
fell overboard by accident; but made no scruple of 
explaining the nature of my disagreeable station, and of 
acquainting him with my determined purpose never to return 
to the Thunder man-of-war. Although he was not of my opinion 
in that particular, knowing that I must lose my clothes, and 
what pay was due to me, unless I went back to my duty; yet, 
when I described the circumstances of the hellish life I 
led, under the tyrannic sway of Oakum and Mackshane; and, 
among other grievances, hinted a dissatisfaction at the 
irreligious deportment of my shipmates, and the want of the 
true Presbyterian gospel doctrine; he changed his 
sentiments, and conjured me with great vehemence and zeal to 
lay aside all thought of rising in the navy; and, that he 
might show how much he had my interest at heart, undertook 
to provide for me in some shape or other, before he should 
leave Jamaica. This promise he performed to my heart's 
desire, by recommending me to a gentleman of fortune, with 
whom I have lived ever since, in quality of surgeon and 
overseer to his plantations. He and his lady are now at 
Kingston, so that I am, for the present, master of this 
house, to which, from my soul, I bid you welcome, and hope 
you will favour me with your company during the remaining 
part of the night.' - I needed not a second invitation; but 
Mr Brayl, who was a diligent and excellent officer, could 
not be persuaded to sleep out of the ship: however, he 
supped with us, and, after having drank a cheerful glass, 
set out for the vessel, which was not above three miles from 
the place, escorted by a couple of stout negroes, whom Mr 
Thomson ordered to conduct him. Never were two friends more 
happy in the conversation of each other than we, for the 
time it lasted. I related to him the particulars of our 
attempt upon Carthagena, of which he had heard but an 
imperfect account; and he gratified me with a narration of 
every little incident of his life since we parted. He 
assured me it was with the utmost difficulty he could resist 
his inclination of coming down to Port Royal to see Morgan 
and me, of whom he had heard no tidings since the day of our 
separation; but that he was restrained by the fear of being 
detained as a deserter. He told me that, when he heard my 
voice in the dark, he was almost as much surprised as I was 
at seeing him afterwards; and, in the confidence of 
friendship, disclosed a passion he entertained for the only 
daughter of the gentleman with whom he lived, who, by his 
description, was a very amiable young lady, and did not 
disdain his addresses; that he was very much favoured by her 
parents, and did not despair obtaining their consent to the 
match; which would at once render him independent of the 
world. I congratulated him on his good fortune, which he 
protested should never make him forget his friends; and 
towards morning we betook ourselves to rest.
Next day he accompanied me to the ship, where Mr Brayl 
entertained him at dinner, and we having spent the afternoon 
together, he took his leave of us in the evening, after he 
had forced upon me ten pistoles, as a small token of his 
affection. In short, while we staid here, we saw one another 
every day, and generally ate at the same table, which was 
plentifully supplied by him with all kinds of poultry, 
butchers' meat, oranges, limes, lemons, pineapples, Madeira 
wine, and excellent rum; so that this small interval of ten 
days was by far the most agreeable period of my life.
At length the Lizard arrived; and my patients being all fit 
for duty, they and I were ordered on board of her, where I 
understood from Mr Tomlins that there was a dryness between 
the lieutenant and him on my account; that rancorous villain 
having taken the opportunity of my absence to fill the 
captain's ears with a thousand scandalous stories to my 
prejudice; among other things, affirming that I had once 
been transported for theft, and that, when I was in the 
Thunder man-of-war, I had been whipped for the same crime. 
The surgeon, on the other hand, having heard my whole story 
from my own mouth, defended me strenuously, and, in the 
course of that good-natured office, recounted all the 
instances of Crampley's malice against me while I remained 
on board of that ship; which declaration, while it satisfied 
the captain of my innocence, made the lieutenant as much my 
defender's enemy as mine. This infernal behaviour of 
Crampley, with regard to me, added such fuel to my former 
resentment, that, at certain times, I was quite beside 
myself with the desire of revenge, and was even tempted to 
pistol him on the quarter-deck, though an infamous death 
must inevitably have been my reward. But the surgeon, who 
was my confidant, argued against such a desperate action so 
effectually, that I stifled the flame which consumed me for 
the present, and resolved to wait for a more convenient 
opportunity. In the meantime, that Mr Tomlins might be the 
more convinced of the wrongs I suffered by this fellow's 
slander, I begged he would go and visit Mr Thomson, whose 
wonderful escape I had made him acquainted with and inquire 
of him into the particulars of my conduct while he was my 
fellow-mate. This request the surgeon complied with, more 
through curiosity to see a person whose fate had been so 
extraordinary, than to confirm his good opinion of me, 
which, he assured me, was already firmly established. He 
therefore set out for the dwelling-place of my friend, with 
a letter of introduction from me; and being received with 
all the civility and kindness I expected, returned to the 
ship, not only satisfied with my character beyond the power 
of doubt or insinuation, but also charmed with the 
affability and conversation of Thomson, who loaded him and 
me with presents of fresh stocks, liquors, and fruit. As he 
would not venture to come and see us on board, lest Crampley 
should know and detain him, when the time of our departure 
approached, I obtained leave to go and bid him farewell. 
After we had vowed an everlasting friendship, he pressed 
upon me a purse with four doubloons, which I refused as long 
as I could, without giving umbrage; and, having cordially 
embraced each other, I returned on board, where I found a 
small box, with a letter directed for me, to the care of Mr 
Tomlins. Knowing the superscription to be of Thomson's 
handwriting. I opened it with some surprise, and learned 
that this generous friend, not contented with loading me 
with the presents already mentioned, had sent, for my use 
and acceptance, half a dozen fine shirts, and as many linen 
waistcoats and caps, with twelve pair of new thread 
stockings. - Being thus provided with money, and all 
necessaries for the comfort of life, I began to look upon 
myself as a gentleman of some consequence, and felt my pride 
dilate apace.
Next day we sailed for Port Royal, where we arrived safely 
with our prizes; and, as there was nothing to do on board, I 
went ashore, and, having purchased a laced waistcoat, with 
some other clothes, at a sale, made a swaggering figure for 
some days among the taverns, where I ventured to play a 
little at hazard, and came off with fifty pistoles in my 
pocket. Meanwhile, our captain was promoted to a ship of 
twenty guns, and the command of the Lizard given to a man 
turned of fourscore, who had been lieutenant since the reign 
of King William, and, notwithstanding his long service, 
would have probably died in that station, had he not applied 
some prize money he had lately received, to make interest 
with his superiors. My friend Brayl was also made an officer 
about the same time, after he had served in quality of a 
midshipman and mate five and twenty years. Soon after these 
alterations the admiral pitched upon our ship to carry home 
dispatches for the ministry; and we set sail for England, 
having first scrubbed her bottom, and taken in provision and 
water for the occasion.



Chapter 37

Now that I could return to my native country in a creditable 
way, I felt excessive pleasure in finding myself out of 
sight of that fatal island, which has been the grave of so 
many Europeans; and as I was accommodated with everything to 
render the passage agreeable, I resolved to enjoy myself as 
much as the insolence of Crampley would permit. This 
insidious slanderer had found means already to cause a 
misunderstanding between the surgeon and captain, who, by 
his age and infirmities, was rendered intolerably peevish, 
his disposition having also been soured by a long course of 
disappointments. He had a particular aversion to all young 
men, especially to surgeons, whom he considered as 
unnecessary animals on board of a ship; and in consequence 
of these sentiments, never consulted the doctor, 
notwithstanding his being seized with a violent fit of the 
gout and gravel; but applied to a cask of Holland gin, which 
was his sovereign prescription against all distempers. 
Whether he was at this time too sparing, or took an overdose 
of his cordial, certain it is, he departed in the night 
without any ceremony, which indeed was a thing he always 
despised, and was found stiff next morning, to the no small 
satisfaction of Crampley, who succeeded to the command of 
the vessel. For that very reason, Mr Tomlins and I had no 
cause to rejoice at this event, fearing that the tyranny of 
our new commander would now be as unlimited as his power. 
The first day of his command justified our apprehension. 
For, on pretence that the decks were too much crowded, he 
ordered the surgeon's hen-coops, with all his fowls, to be 
thrown overboard, and at the same time prohibited him and me 
from appearing on the quarter-deck. Mr Tomlins could not 
help complaining of these injuries, and, in the course of 
his expostulation, dropped some hasty words, of which 
Crampley taking hold, confined him to his cabin, where, in a 
few days, for want of air, he was attacked by a fever, which 
soon put an end to his life, after he had made his will, by 
which he bequeathed all his estate, personal and real, to 
his sister, and left to me his watch and instruments, as 
memorials of his friendship. I was penetrated with grief on 
this melancholy occasion; the more because there was nobody 
on board to whom I could communicate my sorrows, or of whom 
I could receive the least consolation or advice. Crampley 
was so far from discovering the least remorse for his 
barbarity at the news of the surgeon's death, that he 
insulted his memory in the most abusive manner, and affirmed 
he had poisoned himself out of pure fear, dreading to be 
brought to a court-martial for mutiny; for which reason he 
would not suffer the service of the dead to be read over his 
body before it was thrown overboard.
Nothing but a speedy deliverance could have supported me 
under the brutal sway of this bashaw, who, to render my life 
the more irksome, signified to my messmates a desire that I 
should be expelled from their society. This was no sooner 
hilted, than they granted his request; and I was fain to eat 
in a solitary manner by myself during the rest of the 
passage, which however soon drew to a period.
We had been seven weeks at sea, when the gunner told the 
captain that, by his reckoning, we must be in soundings, and 
desired he would order the lead to be heaved. Crampley swore 
he did not know how to keep the ship's way, for we were not 
within a hundred leagues of soundings, and therefore he 
would not give himself the trouble to cast the lead. 
Accordingly we continued our course all that afternoon and 
night, without shortening sail, although the gunner 
pretended to discover Scilly light, and next morning 
protested in form against the captain's conduct, for which 
he was put in confinement. We discovered no land all that 
day, and Crampley was still so infatuated as to neglect 
sounding; but at three o'clock in the morning the ship 
struck, and remained fast on a sandbank. This accident 
alarmed the whole crew; the boat was immediately hoisted 
out; but, as we could not discern which way the shore lay, 
we were obliged to wait for daylight. In the meantime the 
wind increased, and the waves beat against the sloop with 
such violence, that we expected she would have gone to 
pieces. The gunner was released and consulted. He advised 
the captain to cut away the mast, in order to lighten her; 
this expedient was performed without success. The sailors, 
seeing things in a desperate situation, according to custom, 
broke up the chests belonging to the officers, dressed 
themselves in their clothes, drank their liquors without 
ceremony; and drunkenness, tumult, and confusion ensued. In 
the midst of this uproar I went below to secure my own 
effects; and found the carpenter's mate hewing down the 
purser's cabin with his hatchet, whistling all the while 
with great composure. When I asked his intention in so 
doing, he replied very calmly, 'I only want to taste the 
purser's rum, that's all, master.' At that instant the 
purser coming down, and seeing his effects going to wreck, 
complained bitterly of the injustice done to him, and asked 
the fellow what occasion he had for liquor, when, in all 
likelihood, he should be in eternity in a few minutes. 
'All's one for that,' said the plunderer, 'let us live while 
we can.' 'Miserable wretch that thou art,' cried the purser, 
'what must be thy lot in the other world, if thou diest in 
the commission of robbery?' 'Why, hell, I suppose,' replied 
the other, with great deliberation, while the purser fell 
upon his knees, and begged of Heaven that we might not all 
perish for the sake of one Jonas. During this dialogue, I 
clothed myself in my best apparel, girded on my hanger, 
stuck my pistols loaded in my belt, disposed of all my 
valuable movables about my person, and came upon deck with a 
resolution of taking the first opportunity to get on shore, 
which, when the day broke, appeared at the distance of three 
miles ahead. Crampley, finding his efforts to get the ship 
off ineffectual, determined to consult his own safety, by 
going into the boat, which he had no sooner done, than the 
ship's company followed so fast, that she would have sunk 
alongside, had not someone wiser than the rest cut the rope 
and put off. But before this happened, I had made several 
attempts to get in, and was always balked by the captain, 
who was so eager in excluding me, that he did not mind the 
endeavours of any other body. Enraged at this inhuman 
partiality, and seeing the rope cut, I pulled one of my 
pistols from my belt, and cocking it, swore I would shoot 
any man who would presume to obstruct my entrance. So 
saying, I leaped with my full exertion, and got on board of 
the boat with the loss of the skin of my shins. I chanced in 
my descent to overturn Crampley, who no sooner got up than 
he struck at me several times with a cutlass, and ordered 
the men to throw me overboard; but they were too anxious 
about their own safety to mind what he said. Though the boat 
was very deeply loaded, and the sea terribly high, we made 
shift to get upon dry land in less than an hour after we 
parted from the sloop. As soon as I set foot on terra firma, 
my indignation, which had boiled so long within me, broke 
out against Crampley, whom I immediately challenged to 
single combat, presenting my pistols, that he might take his 
choice: he took one without hesitation, and before I could 
cock the other, fired in my face, throwing the pistol after 
the shot. I felt myself stunned, and imagining the bullet 
had entered my brain, discharged mine as quick as possible, 
that I might not die unrevenged; then flying upon my 
antagonist, knocked out several of his fore teeth with the 
butt-end of the piece, and would certainly have made an end 
of him with that instrument, had he not disengaged himself, 
and seized his cutlass, which he had given to his servant 
when he received the pistol. Seeing him armed in this 
manner, I drew my hanger, and having flung my pistol at his 
head, closed with him in a transport of fury, and thrust my 
weapon into his mouth, which it enlarged on one side to his 
ear. Whether the smart of this wound disconcerted him, or 
the unevenness of the ground made him reel, I know not, but 
he staggered some paces back: I followed close, and with one 
stroke cut the tendons of the back of his hand, upon which 
his cutlass dropped and he remained defenceless. I know not 
with what cruelty my rage might have inspired me, if I had 
not at that instant been felled to the ground by a blow on 
the back part of my head, which deprived me of all 
sensation. In this deplorable situation, exposed to the rage 
of an incensed barbarian, and the rapine of an inhuman crew, 
I remained for some time; and whether any disputes arose 
among them during the state of my annihilation, I cannot 
pretend to determine; but in one particular they seem to 
have been unanimous, and acted with equal dexterity and 
dispatch; for, when I recovered the use of understanding, I 
found myself alone in a desolate place, stripped of my 
clothes, money, watch, buckles and everything but my shoes, 
stockings, breeches, and shirt. What a discovery must this 
have been to me, who but an hour before was worth sixty 
guineas in cash! I cursed the hour of my birth, the parents 
that gave me being, the sea that did not swallow me up, the 
poignard of the enemy, which could not find the way to my 
heart, the villainy of those who had left me in that 
miserable condition; and, in the ecstasy of despair, 
resolved to lie still where I was, and perish.



Chapter 38

But, as I lay ruminating, my passion insensibly abated; I 
considered my situation in quite another light from that in 
which it appeared to me at first, and the result of my 
deliberation was to rise, if I could, and crawl to the next 
inhabited place for assistance. With some difficulty I got 
upon my legs, and having examined my body, found I had 
received no other injury than two large contused wounds, one 
on the fore, and another on the hinder part of my head, 
which seemed to be occasioned by the same weapon, namely, 
the butt-end of a pistol. I looked towards the sea, but 
could discern no remains of the ship, so that I concluded 
she was gone to pieces, and that those who remained in her 
had perished. But, as I afterwards learned, the gunner, who 
had more sagacity than Crampley, observing that it was flood 
when he left her, and that she would probably float at high 
water, made no noise about getting on shore, but continued 
on deck, in hopes of bringing her safe into some harbour, 
after the commander should have deserted her; for which 
piece of service he expected, no doubt, to be handsomely 
rewarded. This scheme he accordingly executed, and was 
promised great things by the Admiralty for saving his 
majesty's ship; but I never heard he reaped the fruits of 
his expectation. As for my own part, I directed my course 
towards a small cottage I perceived, and, in the road, 
picked up a seaman's old jacket, which I suppose the thief 
who dressed himself in my clothes had thrown away; this was 
a very comfortable acquisition to me, who was almost stiff 
with cold. I therefore put it on, and as my natural heat 
revived, my wounds, which had left off bleeding, burst out 
afresh; so that, finding myself excessively exhausted, I was 
about to lie down in the fields, when I discovered a barn on 
my left hand, within a few yards of me. Thither I made shift 
to stagger, and finding the door open, went in, but saw 
nobody; however, I threw myself upon a truss of straw, 
hoping to be soon relieved by some person or other. I had 
not lain there many minutes, when I saw a countryman come in 
with a pitchfork in his hand, which he was upon the point of 
thrusting into the straw that concealed me, and, in all 
probability, would have done my business, had I not uttered 
a dreadful groan, after having essayed in vain to speak. 
This melancholy note alarmed the clown, who started back, 
and discovering a body all besmeared with blood stood 
trembling, with the pitchfork extended before him, his hair 
bristling up, his eyes staring, his nostrils dilated, and 
his mouth wide open. At another time I should have been much 
diverted by this figure, which preserved the same attitude 
very near ten minutes; during which time I made many 
unsuccessful efforts to implore his compassion and 
assistance, but my tongue failed me, and my language was 
only a repetition of groans. At length an old man arrived, 
who, seeing the other in such a posture, cried, 'Mercy upon 
en! the leaad's bewitched; - why, Dick, beest thou besayd 
thyself?' Dick, without moving his eyes from the object that 
terrified him, replied, 'O vather! vather! here be either 
the devil or a dead mon! I doan't know which o' en, but a 
groans woundily.' The father, whose eyesight was none of the 
best, pulled out his spectacles, and having applied them to 
his nose, reconnoitred me over his son's shoulder; but no 
sooner did he behold me, than he was seized with a fit of 
shaking even more violent than Dick's, and, with a broken 
accent, addressed me thus: 'In the name of the Vather, Zun, 
and Holy Ghost, I charge you, an you been Satan, to be gone 
to the Red Zea; but an you be a murdered man, speak, that 
you may have a christom burial.' As I was not in a condition 
to satisfy him in this particular, he repeated his 
conjuration to no purpose; and they continued a good while 
in the agonies of fear. At length the father proposed that 
the son should draw nearer, and take a more distinct view of 
the apparition; but Dick was of opinion that his father 
should advance first, as being an old man past his labour, 
and if he received any mischief, the loss would be the 
smaller; whereas he himself might escape, and be useful in 
his generation. This prudential reason had no effect upon 
the senior, who still kept Dick between me and him. In the 
meantime, I endeavoured to raise one hand as a signal of 
distress, but had only strength sufficient to produce a 
rustling among the straw, which discomposed the young 
peasant so much, that he sprung out at the door, and 
overthrew his father in his flight. The old gentleman would 
not spend time in getting up, but crawled backwards like a 
crab, with great speed, till he had got over the threshold, 
mumbling exorcisms all the way. I was exceedingly mortified 
to find myself in danger of perishing through the ignorance 
and cowardice of these clowns, and felt my spirits decay 
apace, when an old woman entered the barn, followed by the 
two fugitives, and with great intrepidity advanced to the 
place where I lay, saying, 'If it be the devil I fear en 
not, and for a dead mon, a can do us no harm.' When she saw 
my condition, she cried, 'Here be no devil, but in youren 
fool's head. Here be a poor miserable wretch, bleeding to 
death, and if a dies, we must be at the charge of burying 
him; therefore, Dick, go vetch the old wheelbarrow, and put 
en in, and carry en to goodman Hodge's back door; he is more 
able than we to lay out money upon poor vagrants.' Her 
advice was taken, and immediately put in execution. I was 
rolled to the other farmer's door, where I was tumbled out 
like a heap of dung, and would certainly have fallen a prey 
to the hogs, if my groans had not disturbed the family, and 
brought some of them out to view my situation. But Hodge 
resembled the Jew more than the good Samaritan, and ordered 
me to be carried to the house of the parson, whose business 
it was to practise as well as to preach charity; observing 
that it was sufficient for him to pay his quota towards the 
maintenance of the poor belonging to his own parish. When I 
was set down at the vicar's gate, he fell into a mighty 
passion, and threatened to excommunicate him who sent, as 
well as those who brought me, unless they would move me 
immediately to another place. About this time, I fainted 
with the fatigue I had undergone, and, afterwards, 
understood that I was bandied from door to door through a 
whole village, nobody having humanity enough to administer 
the least relief to me, until an old woman, who was 
suspected of witchcraft by the neighbourhood, hearing of my 
distress, received me into her house, and having dressed my 
wounds, brought me to myself with cordials of her own 
preparing. I was treated with great care and tenderness by 
this grave matron, who, after I had recovered some strength, 
desired to know the particulars of my last disaster. This 
piece of satisfaction I could not refuse to one who had 
saved my life; therefore related all my adventures, without 
exaggeration or reserve. She seemed surprised at the 
vicissitudes I had undergone, and drew a happy presage of my 
future life from my past sufferings; then launched out into 
the praise of adversity with so much ardour and good sense, 
that I concluded she was a person who had seen better days, 
and conceived a longing desire to hear her story. She 
perceived my drift by some words I dropped, and smiling, 
told me, there was nothing either entertaining or 
extraordinary in the course of her fortune; but, however, 
she would communicate it to me in consideration of the 
confidence I had reposed in her. 'It is of little 
consequence,' said she, 'to tell the names of my parents, 
who are dead many years ago; let it suffice to assure you, 
they were wealthy, and had no other child than me; so that I 
was looked upon as heiress to a considerable estate, and 
teased with addresses on that account. Among the number of 
my admirers, there was a young gentleman of no fortune, 
whose sole dependence was on his promotion in the army, in 
which at that time he bore a lieutenant's commission. I 
conceived an affection for this amiable officer, which, in a 
short time, increased to a violent passion, and, without 
entering into minute circumstances, married him privately. 
We had not enjoyed one another long, in stolen interviews, 
when he was ordered with his regiment to Flanders; but, 
before he set out, it was agreed between us that he should 
declare our marriage to my father by letter, and implore his 
pardon for the step we had taken without his approbation. 
This discovery was made while I was abroad visiting; and 
just as I was about to return home, I received a letter from 
my father, importing, that since I had acted so undutifully 
and meanly as to marry a beggar, without his privity or 
consent, to the disgrace of his family, as well as the 
disappointment of his hopes, he renounced me to the 
miserable fate I had entailed on myself, and charged me 
never to set foot within his doors again. This rigid 
sentence was confirmed by my mother, who, in a postscript, 
gave me to understand that her sentiments were exactly 
conformable to those of my father, and that I might save 
myself the trouble of making any applications; for her 
resolutions were unalterable. Thunderstruck with my evil 
fortune, I called a coach and drove to my husband's 
lodgings, where I found him waiting the event of his letter. 
Though he could easily divine, by my looks, the issue of his 
declaration, he read with great steadiness the epistle I had 
received; and, with a smile full of tenderness, which I 
shall never forget, embraced me, saying, "I believe the good 
lady, your mother, might have spared herself the trouble of 
the last part of the postscript. Well, my dear Betty, you 
must lay aside all thoughts of a coach, till I can procure 
the command of a regiment." This unconcerned behaviour, 
while it enabled me to support my reverse of fortune, at the 
same time endeared him to me the more, by convincing me of 
his disinterested views in espousing me. I was next day 
boarded in company with the wife of another officer, who had 
long been the friend and confidant of my husband, at a 
village not far from London, where they parted with us in 
the most melting manner, went to Flanders, and were killed 
in sight of one another, at the Battle of the Wood. Why 
should I tire you with a description of our unutterable 
sorrow at the fatal news of this event, the remembrance of 
which now fills my aged eyes with tears! When our grief 
subsided a little, and reflection came to our aid, we found 
ourselves deserted by the whole world, and in danger of 
perishing by want; whereupon, we made application for the 
pension, and were put upon the list. Then, vowing eternal 
friendship, sold our jewels and superfluous clothes, retired 
to this place, which is in the county of Sussex, bought this 
little house, where we lived many years in a solitary 
manner, indulging our mutual sorrow, till it pleased Heaven 
to call away my companion two years ago; since which time I 
have lingered out an unhappy being, in hopes of a speedy 
dissolution, when I promise myself the eternal reward of all 
my cares. In the meantime,' continued she, 'I must inform 
you of the character I bear among the neighbours: - My 
conversation being different from that of the inhabitants of 
the village, my recluse way of life, my skill in curing 
distempers, which I acquired from books since I settled here 
- and lastly, my age, have made the common people look upon 
me as something preternatural, and I am actually at this 
hour believed to be a witch. The parson of the parish, whose 
acquaintance I have not been at much pains to cultivate, 
taking umbrage at my supposed disrespect, has contributed 
not a little towards the confirmation of this opinion, by 
dropping certain hints to my prejudice among the vulgar, who 
are also very much scandalized at my entertaining this poor 
tabby cat, with the collar about her neck, which was a 
favourite of my deceased companion.'
The whole behaviour of this venerable person was so 
primitive, innocent, sensible, and humane, that I contracted 
a filial respect for her, and begged her advice with regard 
to my future conduct, as soon as I was in a condition to act 
for myself. She dissuaded me from a design I had formed of 
travelling to London, in hopes of retrieving my clothes and 
pay, by returning to my ship, which by this time, I read in 
the newspaper, was safely arrived in the river Thames: 
'Because,' said she, 'you run the hazard of being treated 
not only as a deserter in quitting the sloop, but also as a 
mutineer in assaulting your commanding officer, to the 
malice of whose revenge you will moreover be exposed.' She 
then promised to recommend me as a servant to a single lady 
of her acquaintance, who lived in the neighbourhood with her 
nephew, who was a young fox-hunter of great fortune, where I 
might be very happy, provided I could bear the disposition 
and manners of my mistress, which were somewhat whimsical 
and particular. But, above all things, she counselled me to 
conceal my story, the knowledge of which would effectually 
poison my entertainment; for it was a mad among most people 
of condition, that no gentleman in distress ought to be 
admitted into a family as a domestic, lest he become proud, 
lazy, and insolent. I was fain to embrace this humble 
proposal, because my affairs were desperate; and in a few 
days was hired by this lady to serve in quality of her 
footman; having been represented by my hostess as a young 
man who was bred up to the sea by his relations against his 
will, and had suffered shipwreck, which had increased his 
disgust to that way of life so much, that he rather chose to 
go into service on shore, than enter himself on board of any 
other ship. Before I took possession of my new place, she 
gave me a sketch of my mistress's character, that I might 
know better how to regulate my conduct. 'Your lady,' said 
she, 'is a maiden of forty years, not so remarkable for her 
beauty, as her learning and taste, which is famous all over 
the country. Indeed, she is a perfect female virtuoso; and 
so eager after the pursuit of knowledge, that she neglects 
her person even to a degree of sluttishness; this 
negligence, together with her contempt of the male part of 
the creation, gives her nephew no great concern, as by these 
means he will probably keep her fortune, which is 
considerable, in the family. He therefore permits her to 
live in her own way, which is something extraordinary, and 
gratifies her in all her whimsical desires. Her apartment is 
at some distance from the other inhabited parts of the 
house, and consists of a dining-room, bed-chamber, and 
study. She keeps a cook-maid, waiting-woman, and footman of 
her own; and seldom eats or converses with any of the family 
but her niece, who is a very lovely creature, and humours 
her aunt often to the prejudice of her own health, by 
sitting up with her whole nights together; for your mistress 
is too much of a philosopher to be swayed by the customs of 
the world, and never sleeps or eats like other people. Among 
other odd notions, she professes the principles of 
Rosicrutius; and believes the earth, air, and sea are 
inhabited by invisible beings, with whom it is possible for 
the human species to entertain correspondence and intimacy, 
on the easy condition of living chaste. As she hopes one day 
to be admitted into an acquaintance of this kind, she no 
sooner heard of me and my cat, than she paid me a visit, 
with a view, as she has since owned, to be introduced to my 
familiar, and was greatly mortified to find herself 
disappointed in her expectation. Being, by this visionary 
turn of mind, abstracted as it were from the world, she 
cannot advert to the common occurrences of life; and 
therefore is frequently so absent, as to commit very strange 
mistakes and extravagances, which you will do well to 
rectify and repair as your prudence shall suggest.'



Chapter 39

Fraught with these useful instructions, I repaired to the 
place of her habitation, and was introduced by the waiting-
woman to the presence of my lady, who had not before seen 
me. She sat in her study, with one foot on the ground, and 
the other upon a high stool at some distance from her seat; 
her sandy locks hung down in a disorder I cannot call 
beautiful, from her head, which was deprived of its coif, 
for the benefit of scratching with one hand, while she held 
a stump of a pen in the other. Her forehead was high and 
wrinkled; her eyes were large, grey, and prominent; her nose 
was long, sharp, and aquiline; her mouth of vast capacity; 
her visage meagre and freckled, and her chin peaked like a 
shoemaker's paring-knife; her upper lip contained a large 
quantity of plain Spanish, which, by continual falling, had 
embroidered her neck, that was not naturally very white; and 
the breast of her gown, that flowed loose about her with 
negligence truly poetic, discovering linen that was very 
fine, and to all appearance never washed but in Castalian 
streams. Around her lay heaps of books, globes, quadrants, 
telescopes, and other learned apparatus. Her snuff-box stood 
at her right hand; at her left hand lay her handkerchief, 
sufficiently used; and a convenience to spit in appeared on 
one side of her chair. She being in a reverie when we 
entered, the maid did not think proper to disturb her; so 
that we waited some minutes unobserved, during which time 
she bit the quill several times, altered her position, made 
many wry faces, and at length, with an air of triumph, 
repeated aloud: Nor dare th' immortal gods my rage oppose.
Having committed her success to paper, she turned towards 
the door, and perceiving us, cried, 'What's the matter?' - 
'Here's the young man,' replied my conductress, 'whom Mrs 
Sagely recommended as a footman to your ladyship.' On this 
information she stared in my face a considerable time, and 
then asked my name, which I thought proper to conceal under 
that of John Brown. After having surveyed me with a curious 
eye, she broke out into, 'O! ay, thou wast shipwrecked, I 
remember. Whether didst thou come on shore on the back of a 
whale or a dolphin?' To this I answered I had swam ashore 
without any assistance. - then she demanded to know if I had 
ever been at the Hellespont, and swam from Sestos to Abydos. 
I replied in the negative. Upon which she bade the maid 
order a suit of new livery for me, and instruct me in the 
articles of my duty. So saying, she spit in her snuff-box, 
and wiped her nose with her cap, which lay on the table 
instead of a handkerchief. We returned to the kitchen, where 
I was regaled by the maids, who seemed to vie with each 
other in expressing their regard for me; and from them I 
understood that my business consisted in cleaning knives and 
forks, laying the cloth, waiting at table, carrying 
messages, and attending my lady when she went abroad. There 
was a very good suit of livery in the house, which had 
belonged to my predecessor, deceased, and it fitted me 
exactly; so that there was no occasion for employing a 
tailor on my account. I had not long been equipped in this 
manner, when my lady's bell rung; upon which I ran upstairs, 
and found her stalking about the room in her shift and under-
petticoat only: I would have immediately retired as became 
me, but she bade me come in, and air a clean shift for her; 
which operation I having performed with some backwardness, 
she put it on before me without any ceremony, and I verily 
believe was ignorant of my sex all that time, as being quite 
absorbed in contemplation. About four o'clock in the 
afternoon, I was ordered to lay the cloth, and place two 
covers, which I understood were for my mistress and her 
niece, whom I had not as yet seen. Though I was not very 
dexterous at this work, I performed it pretty well for a 
beginner; and, when dinner was upon the table, saw my 
mistress approach, accompanied by the young lady, whose 
name, for the present, shall be Narcissa. So much sweetness 
appeared in the countenance and carriage of this amiable 
apparition, that my heart was captivated at first sight, 
and, while dinner lasted, I gazed upon her without 
intermission. Her age seemed to be seventeen, her stature 
tall, her shape unexceptionable; her hair, that fell down 
upon her ivory neck in ringlets, black as jet; her arched 
eyebrows of the same colour; her eyes piercing, yet tender; 
her lips of the consistence and hue of cherries; her 
complexion clear, delicate, and healthy; her aspect noble, 
ingenuous, and humane; and the whole person so ravishingly 
delightful, that it was impossible for any creature endued 
with sensibility, to see without admiring, and admire 
without loving her to excess! I began to curse the servile 
station that placed me so far beneath the regard of this 
idol of my adoration! and yet I blessed my fate, that 
enabled me to enjoy daily the sight of so much perfection! 
When she spoke, I listened with pleasure; but when she spoke 
to me, my soul was thrilled with an ecstasy of tumultuous 
joy! I was even so happy as to be the subject of their 
conversation.
For Narcissa having observed me, said to her aunt, 'I see 
your new footman is come.' Then addressing herself to me, 
asked with ineffable complacency if I was the person who had 
been so cruelly used by robbers? When I satisfied her in 
this, she expressed a desire of knowing the other 
particulars of my fortune, both before and since my being 
shipwrecked. Hereupon (as Mrs Sagely had counselled me) I 
told her that I had been bound apprentice to the master of a 
ship, contrary to my inclination, which ship had foundered 
at sea; that I and four more who chanced to be on deck when 
she went down, made shift to swim to the shore, when my 
companions, after having overpowered me, stripped me to the 
shirt, and left me, as they imagined, dead of the wounds I 
received in my own defence. Then I related the circumstances 
of my being found in a barn, with the inhuman treatment I 
met with from the country people and parson; the description 
of which, I perceived, drew tears from the charming 
creature's eyes! When I had finished my recital, my mistress 
said, 'Ma foi! le garÁon est bien fait!' To which opinion 
Narcissa assented, with a compliment to my understanding in 
the same language, that flattered my vanity extremely.
The conversation, among other subjects, turned upon the 
young squire, whom my lady inquired after under the title of 
the Savage; and was informed by her niece that he was still 
in bed, repairing the fatigue of last night's debauch, and 
recruiting strength and spirits to undergo a fox-chase 
tomorrow morning, in company with Sir Timothy Thicket, 
Squire Bumber, and a great many other gentlemen of the same 
stamp, whom he had invited on that occasion; so that, by 
daybreak, the whole house would be in an uproar. This was a 
very disagreeable piece of news to the virtuoso, who 
protested she would stuff her ears with cotton when she went 
to bed, and take a dose of opium to make her sleep the more 
sound, that she might not be disturbed and distracted by the 
clamour of the brutes.
When their dinner was over, I and my fellow-servants sat 
down to ours in the kitchen, where I understood that Sir 
Timothy Thicket was a wealthy knight in the neighbourhood, 
between whom and Narcissa a match had been projected by her 
brother, who promised at the same time to espouse Sir 
Timothy's sister; by which means, as their fortunes were 
pretty equal, the young ladies would be provided for, and 
their brothers be never the poorer; but that the ladies did 
not concur in the scheme, each of them entertaining a hearty 
contempt for the person allotted to her for a husband by 
this agreement. This information begat in me a mortal 
aversion to Sir Timothy, whom I looked upon as my rival, and 
cursed in my heart for his presumption. Next morning, by 
daybreak, being awakened by the noise of the hunters and 
hounds, I arose to view the cavalcade, and had a sight of my 
competitor, whose accomplishments, the estate excluded, did 
not seem brilliant enough to give me much uneasiness with 
respect to Narcissa, who, I flattered myself, was not to be 
won by such qualifications as he was master of, either as to 
person or mind. My mistress, notwithstanding her precaution, 
was so much disturbed by her nephew's company, that she did 
not rise till five o'clock in the afternoon; so that I had 
an opportunity of examining her study at leisure, to which 
examination I was strongly prompted by my curiosity. Here I 
found a thousand scraps of her own poetry, consisting of 
three, four, ten, twelve, and twenty lines, on an infinity 
of subjects, which, as whim inspired, she had begun, without 
constancy or capacity to bring to any degree of composition. 
But, what was very extraordinary in a female poet, there was 
not the least mention made of love in any of her 
performances. I counted fragments of five tragedies, the 
titles of which were, 'The Stern Philosopher - the Double 
Murder - the Sacrilegious Traitor - the Fall of Lucifer - 
and The Last Day.' From whence I gathered, that her 
disposition was gloomy, and her imagination delighted with 
objects of horror. Her library was composed of the best 
English historians, poets, and philosophers; of all the 
French critics and poets, and of a few books in Italian, 
chiefly poetry, at the head of which were Tasso and Ariosto, 
pretty much used. Besides these, translations of the 
classics into French, but not one book in Greek or Latin; a 
circumstance that discovered her ignorance in these 
languages. After having taken a full view of this 
collection, I retired, and, at the usual time, was preparing 
to lay the cloth, when I was told by the maid that her 
mistress was still in bed, and had been so affected with the 
notes of the hounds in the morning, that she actually 
believed herself a hare beset by the hunters; and begged a 
few greens to munch for breakfast. When I expressed my 
surprise at this unaccountable imagination, she gave me to 
understand that her lady was very much subject to whims of 
this nature; sometimes fancying herself an animal, sometimes 
a piece of furniture, during which conceited transformations 
it was very dangerous to come near her, especially when she 
represented a beast; for that, lately, in the character of a 
cat, she had flown at her, and scratched her face in a 
terrible manner; that, some months ago, she prophesied the 
general conflagration was at hand, and nothing would be able 
to quench it but her water, which, therefore, she kept so 
long that her life was in danger; and she must needs have 
died of the retention, had they not found an expedient to 
make her evacuate, by kindling a bonfire under her chamber 
window, and persuading her that the house was in flames; 
upon which, with great deliberation, she bade them bring all 
the tubs and vessels they could find, to be filled, for the 
preservation of the house, into one of which she immediately 
discharged the cause of her distemper. I was also informed 
that nothing contributed so much to the recovery of her 
reason as music, which was always administered on those 
occasions by Narcissa, who played perfectly well on the 
harpsichord, and to whom she, the maid, was just then going 
to intimate her aunt's disorder. She was no sooner gone than 
I was summoned by the bell to my lady's chamber, where I 
found her sitting squat on her hams on the floor, in the 
manner of puss when she listens to the outcries of her 
pursuers. When I appeared, she started up with an alarmed 
look, and sprang to the other side of the room to avoid me, 
whom, without doubt, she mistook for a beagle thirsting 
after her life. Perceiving her extreme confusion, I retired, 
and, on the staircase, met the adorable Narcissa coming up, 
to whom I imparted the situation of my mistress. She said 
not a word, but, smiling with unspeakable grace, went into 
her aunt's apartment, and in a little time my ears were 
ravished with the effects of her skill. She accompanied the 
instrument with a voice so sweet and melodious, that I did 
not wonder at the surprising change it produced on the 
spirits of my mistress, which were soon composed to peace 
and sober reflection.
About seven o'clock the hunters arrived, with the skins of 
two foxes and one badger, carried before them as trophies of 
their success. And, when they were about to sit down to 
dinner, or supper, Sir Timothy Thicket desired that Narcissa 
would honour the table with her presence. But this request, 
notwithstanding her brother's threats and entreaties, she 
refused, on pretence of attending her aunt, who was 
indisposed; so I enjoyed the satisfaction of seeing my rival 
mortified. But this disappointment made no great impression 
on him, who consoled himself with the bottle, of which the 
whole company became so enamoured, that, after a most horrid 
uproar of laughing, singing, swearing, dancing, and 
fighting, they were all carried to bed in a state of utter 
oblivion. My duty being altogether detached from the squire 
and his family, I led a pretty easy and comfortable life, 
drinking daily intoxicating draughts of love from the charms 
of Narcissa, which brightened on my contemplation every day 
more and more. Inglorious as my station was, I became blind 
to my own unworthiness, and even conceived hopes of one day 
enjoying this amiable creature, whose affability greatly 
encouraged these presumptuous thoughts.



Chapter 40

During this season of love and tranquillity, my muse, which 
had lain dormant so long, awoke, and produced several small 
performances on the subject of my flame; but, as it 
concerned me nearly to remain undiscovered in my real 
character and sentiments, I was under a necessity of 
mortifying my desire of praise, by confining my works to my 
own perusal and applause. In the meantime I strove to 
insinuate myself into the good opinion of both ladies; and 
succeeded so well, by my diligence and dutiful behaviour, 
that, in a little time, I was at least a favourite servant; 
and frequently enjoyed the pleasure of hearing myself 
mentioned in French and Italian, with some degree of warmth 
and surprise, by the dear object of all my wishes, as a 
person who had so much of the gentleman in my appearance and 
discourse, that she could not for her soul treat me like a 
common lackey. My prudence and modesty were not long proof 
against these bewitching compliments. One day, while I 
waited at dinner, the conversation turned upon a knotty 
passage of Tasso's Jerusalem, which, it seems, had puzzled 
them both. After a great many unsatisfactory conjectures, my 
mistress, taking the book out of her pocket, turned up the 
place in question, and read the sentence over and over 
without success; at length, despairing of finding the 
author's meaning, she turned to me, saying, 'Come hither, 
Bruno, let us see what fortune will do for us; I will 
interpret to thee what goes before and what follows this 
obscure paragraph, the particular words of which I will also 
explain, that thou mayest, by comparing one with another, 
guess the sense of that which perplexes us.' I was too vain 
to let slip this opportunity of displaying my talents, 
therefore, without hesitation, read and explained the whole 
of that which had disconcerted them, to the utter 
astonishment of both. Narcissa's face and lovely neck were 
overspread with blushes, from which I drew a favourable 
omen, while her aunt, after having stared at me a good while 
with a look of amazement, exclaimed, 'In the name of heaven! 
Who art thou?' I told her I had picked up a smattering of 
Italian during a voyage up the Straits. At this explanation 
she shook her head, and observed that no smatterer could 
read as I had done. She then desired to know if I understood 
French? To which question I answered in the affirmative. She 
asked if I was acquainted with Latin and Greek? I replied, 
'A little.' - 'Oho!' continued she, 'and with philosophy and 
mathematics I suppose?' I owned I knew something of each. 
Then she repeated her stare and interrogation. I began to 
repent my vanity, and, in order to repair the fault I had 
committed, said it was not to be wondered at if I had a 
tolerable education, for learning was so cheap in my 
country, that every peasant was a scholar; but I hoped her 
ladyship would think my understanding no exception to my 
character. She was pleased to answer, 'No, no, God forbid'. 
But during the rest of the time they sat at table, they 
behaved with remarkable reserve.
This alteration gave me great uneasiness; and I passed the 
night without sleep, in melancholy reflections on the vanity 
of young men, which prompts them to commit so many foolish 
actions, contrary to their own sober judgement. Next day, 
however, instead of profiting by this self-condemnation, I 
yielded still more to the dictates of the principle I had 
endeavoured to chastise, and, if fortune had not befriended 
me more than prudence could expect, I should have been 
treated with the contempt it deserved. After breakfast, my 
lady, who was a true author, bade me follow her into the 
study, where she expressed herself thus: 'Since you are so 
learned, you cannot be void of taste; therefore I am to 
desire your opinion of a small performance in poetry which I 
lately composed. You must know I have planned a tragedy, the 
subject of which shall be the murder of a prince before the 
altar, where he is busy at his devotions. After the deed is 
perpetrated, the regicide will harangue the people with the 
bloody dagger in his hand; and I have already composed a 
speech, which I think will suit the character extremely; 
here it is.' Then taking up a scrap of paper, she read, with 
violent emphasis and gesture, as follows:

Thus have I sent the simple king to hell,
Without or coffin, shroud, or passing bell;
To me what art divine and human laws?
I court no sanction but my own applause!
Rapes, robb'ries, treasons, yield my soul delight;
And human carnage gratifies my sight:
I drag the parent by the hoary hair,
And toss the sprawling infant on my spear,
While the fond mother's cries regale mine ear,
I fight, I vanquish, murder friends and foes;
Nor dare th' immortal gods my rage oppose.

Though I did great violence to my understanding in praising 
this unnatural rhapsody, I nevertheless extolled it as a 
production that of itself deserved immortal fame; and 
besought her ladyship to bless the world with the fruits of 
those uncommon talents Heaven had bestowed upon her. She 
smiled with a look of self-complacency, and, encouraged by 
the incense I had offered, communicated all her poetical 
works, which I applauded one by one, with as little candour 
as I had shown at first. Satiated with my flattery, which, I 
hope, my situation justified, she could not in conscience 
refuse me an opportunity of shining in my turn; and, 
therefore, after a compliment to my nice discernment and 
taste, observed that, doubtless, I must have produced 
something in that way myself, which she desired to see. This 
was a temptation I could by no means resist. I owned that, 
while I was at college, I wrote some small detached pieces, 
at the desire of a friend who was in love, and at her 
request repeated the following verses, which indeed my love 
for Narcissa had inspired.

ON CELIA,
PLAYING ON THE HARPSICHORD AND SINGING

When Sappho struck the quiv'ring wire,
The throbbing breast was all on fire:
And, when she rais'd the vocal lay,
The captive soul was charm'd away.

But had the nymph possess'd with these,
Thy softer, chaster power to please:
Thy beauteous air of sprightly youth,
Thy native smiles of artless truth;

The worm of grief had never prey'd
On the forsaken love-sick maid:
Nor had she mourn'd an hapless flame,
Nor dash'd on rocks her tender frame.

My mistress paid me a cold compliment on my versification, 
which, she said, was elegant enough, but the subject beneath 
the pen of a true poet. I was extremely nettled at her 
indifference, and looked at Narcissa, who by this time had 
joined us, for her approbation; but she declined giving her 
opinion, protesting she was no judge of these matters; so 
that I was forced to retire, very much balked in my 
expectation, which was generally a little too sanguine. In 
the afternoon, however, the waiting-maid assured me that 
Narcissa had expressed her approbation of my performance 
with great warmth, and desired her to procure a copy of it, 
as for herself, that she (Narcissa) might have an 
opportunity to peruse it at pleasure. I was elated to an 
extravagant pitch at this intelligence, and immediately 
transcribed a fair copy of my ode, which was carried to the 
dear charmer, together with another on the same subject, as 
follows:

Thy fatal shafts unerring move,
I bow before thine altar, Love!
I feel thy soft resistless flame
Glide swift through all my vital frame!

For while I gaze, my bosom glows,
My blood in tides impetuous flows;
Hope, fear, and joy alternate roll,
And floods of transport whelm my soul!

My falt'ring tongue attempts in vain,
In soothing murmurs to complain,
My tongue some secret magic ties,
My murmurs sink in broken sighs!

Condemn'd to nurse eternal care,
And ever drop the silent tear,
Unheard, I mourn, unknown I sigh,
Unfriended live, unpity'd die!

Whether or not Narcissa discovered my passion, I could not 
learn from her behaviour, which, though always benevolent to 
me, was henceforth more reserved and less cheerful. While my 
thoughts aspired to a sphere so far above me, I had 
unwittingly made a conquest of the cook-wench and dairy-
maid, who became so jealous of each other, that, if their 
sentiments had been refined by education, it is probable one 
or other of them would have had recourse to poison or steel 
to be avenged of her rival; but, as their minds were happily 
adapted to their humble station, their mutual enmity was 
confined to scolding and fisticuffs, in which exercises they 
were both well skilled. My good fortune did not long remain 
a secret; for it was disclosed by the frequent broils of 
these heroines, who kept no decorum in their encounters. The 
coachman and gardener, who paid their devoirs to my 
admirers, each to his respective choice, alarmed at my 
success, laid their heads together, in order to concert a 
plan of revenge; and the former having been educated at the 
academy at Tottenham Court, undertook to challenge me to 
single combat. He accordingly, with many opprobrious 
invectives, bade me defiance, and offered to box me for 
twenty guineas. I told him that, although I believed myself 
a match for him, even at that work, I would not descend so 
far below the dignity of a gentleman as to fight like a 
porter; but if he had anything to say to me, I was his man 
at blunderbuss, musket, pistol, sword, hatchet, spit, 
cleaver, fork, or needle; nay, I swore that, should he give 
his tongue any more saucy liberties at my expense, I would 
crop his ears without any ceremony. This rodomontade, 
delivered with a stern countenance and resolute tone, had 
the desired effect upon my antagonist, who, with some 
confusion, sneaked off, and gave his friend an account of 
his reception. The story taking air among the servants, 
procured for me the title of Gentleman John, with which I 
was sometimes honoured, even by my mistress and Narcissa, 
who had been informed of the whole affair by the 
chambermaid. In the meantime, the rival queans expressed 
their passion by all the ways in their power; the cook 
entertained me with choice bits, the dairy-maid with 
strokings; the first would often encourage me to discover 
myself by complimenting me upon my courage and learning, and 
observing, that if she had a husband like me, to maintain 
order, and keep accounts, she could make a great deal of 
money by setting up an eating-house at London, for 
gentlemen's servants on board wages. The other courted my 
affection by showing her own importance, and telling me that 
many a substantial farmer in the neighbourhood would be glad 
to marry her; but she was resolved to please her eye, if she 
should plague her heart. Then she would launch out into the 
praise of my proper person, and say she was sure I would 
make a good husband, for I was very good-natured. I began to 
be uneasy at the importunities of these inamoratas, whom, at 
another time, perhaps, I might have pleased without the 
disagreeable sauce of matrimony; but at present my whole 
soul was engrossed by Narcissa, and I could not bear the 
thoughts of doing anything derogatory of the passion I 
entertained for her.



Chapter 41

At certain intervals, my ambition would revive; I would 
despise myself for my tame resignation to my sordid fate, 
and revolve an hundred schemes for assuming the character of 
a gentleman, to which I thought myself entitled by birth and 
education. In these fruitless suggestions time stole away 
unperceived, and I had already remained eight months in the 
station of a footman, when an accident happened that put an 
end to my servitude, and for the present banished all hopes 
of succeeding in my love.
Narcissa went one day to visit Miss Thicket, who lived with 
her brother, within less than a mile of our house, and was 
persuaded to walk home in the cool of the evening, 
accompanied by Sir Timothy, who having a good deal of the 
brute in him, was instigated to use some unbecoming 
familiarities with her, encouraged by the solitariness of a 
field through which they passed. The lovely creature was 
incensed at his rude behaviour, for which she reproached him 
in such a manner, that he lost all regard to decency, and 
actually offered violence to this pattern of innocence and 
beauty. But Heaven would not suffer so much goodness to be 
violated; and sent me, who, passing by accident near the 
place, was alarmed with her cries, to her succour. What were 
the emotions of my soul when I beheld Narcissa, almost 
sinking beneath the brutal force of this satyr! I flew like 
lightning to her rescue, and he perceiving me, quitted his 
prey, and drew his hanger to chastise my presumption. My 
indignation was too high to admit one thought of fear; so 
that, rushing upon him, I struck his weapon out of his hand, 
and used my cudgel so successfully, that he fell to the 
ground, and lay, to all appearance, without sense. Then I 
turned to Narcissa, who had swooned, and sitting down by 
her, gently raised her head, and supported it on my bosom, 
while, with my hand around her waist, I kept her in that 
position. My soul was thrilled with tumultuous joy at 
feeling the object of my dearest wishes within my arms; and 
while she lay insensible, I could not refrain from applying 
my cheek to hers, and ravishing a kiss. In a little time, 
the blood began to revisit her face; she opened her 
enchanting eyes, and having recollected her late situation, 
said, with a look full of tender acknowledgement, 'Dear 
John, I am eternally obliged to you!' So saying, she made an 
effort to rise, in which I assisted her, and she proceeded 
to the house, leaning upon me all the way. I was a thousand 
times tempted by this opportunity to declare my passion, but 
the dread of disobliging her restrained my tongue. We had 
not moved an hundred paces from the scene of her distress, 
when I perceived Sir Timothy rise and walk homeward; a 
circumstance which, though it gave me some satisfaction, 
inasmuch as I thereby knew I had not killed him, filled me 
with just apprehension of his resentment, which I found 
myself in no condition to withstand; especially when I 
considered his intimacy with our squire, to whom I knew he 
could justify himself for what he had done, by imputing it 
to his love, and desiring his brother Bruin to take the same 
liberty with his sister, without any fear of offence. When 
we arrived at the house, Narcissa assured me she would exert 
all her influence in protecting me from the revenge of 
Thicket, and likewise engage her aunt in my favour. At the 
same time, pulling out her purse, offered it as a small 
consideration for the service I had done her. But I stood 
too much upon the punctilios of love, to incur the least 
suspicion of being mercenary, and refused the present, by 
saying I had merited nothing by barely doing my duty. She 
seemed astonished at my disinterestedness, and blushed; I 
felt the same suffusion, and, with a downcast eye and broken 
accent, told her I had one request to make, which if her 
generosity would grant, I should think myself fully 
recompensed for an age of misery. She changed colour at this 
preamble, and, with great confusion, replied, she hoped my 
good sense would hinder me from asking anything she was 
bound in honour to refuse, and therefore bade me signify my 
desire. Upon which I kneeled, and begged to kiss her hand. 
She immediately, with an averted look, stretched it out; I 
imprinted on it an ardent kiss, and bathing it with my 
tears, cried, 'Dear Madam, I am an unfortunate gentleman, 
and love you to distraction, but would have died a thousand 
deaths rather than make this declaration under such a 
servile appearance, were I not determined to yield to the 
rigour of my fate, to fly from your bewitching presence, and 
bury my presumptuous passion in eternal silence.' With these 
words I rose and went away, before she could recover her 
spirits so far as to make any reply. My first care was to go 
and consult Mrs Sagely, with whom I had maintained a 
friendly correspondence ever since I left her house. When 
she understood my situation, the good woman, with real 
concern, condoled me on my unhappy fate, and approved of my 
resolution to leave the country, as being perfectly well 
acquainted with the barbarous disposition of my rival, "Who 
by this time,' said she, 'has no doubt meditated a scheme of 
revenge. Indeed I cannot see how you will be able to elude 
his vengeance; being himself in the commission, he will 
immediately grant warrants for apprehending you; and as 
almost all the people in this country are dependent on him 
or his friend, it will be impossible for you to find shelter 
among them. If you should be apprehended, he will commit you 
to jail, where you may possibly languish in great misery 
till the next assizes, and then be transported for 
assaulting a magistrate.' While she thus warned me of my 
danger, we heard a knocking at the door, which threw us both 
into consternation, as, in all probability, it was 
occasioned by my pursuers: whereupon this generous old lady, 
putting two guineas into my hand, with tears in her eyes, 
bade me for God's sake to get out at the back door, and 
consult my safety as Providence should direct me. There was 
no time for deliberation. I followed her advice, and escaped 
by the benefit of a dark night to the seaside, where, while 
I ruminated on my next excursion, I was all of a sudden 
surrounded by armed men, who, having bound my hands and 
feet, bade me make no noise, on pain of being shot, and 
carried me on board of a vessel, which I soon perceived to 
be a smuggling cutter. This discovery gave me some 
satisfaction at first, because I concluded myself safe from 
the resentment of Sir Timothy. But when I found myself in 
the hands of humans, who threatened to execute me for a spy, 
I would have thought myself happily quit for a year's 
imprisonment, or even transportation. It was in vain for me 
to protest my innocence. I could not persuade them that I 
had taken a solitary walk to their haunt, at such an hour, 
for merely my own amusement; and I did not think it my 
interest to disclose the true cause of my retreat, because I 
was afraid they would have made their peace with justice, by 
surrendering me to the penalty of the law. What confirmed 
their suspicion was, the appearance of a custom-house yacht, 
which gave them chase, and had well-nigh made a prize of the 
vessel; when they were delivered from their fears by a thick 
fog, which effectually screened them, and favoured their 
arrival at Boulogne. But before they got out of sight of 
their pursuer, they held a council of war about me; and some 
of the most ferocious among them would have thrown me 
overboard, as a traitor who had betrayed them to their 
enemies; but others, more considerate, alleged that, if they 
put me to death, and should afterwards be taken, they could 
expect no mercy from the legislature, which would never 
pardon outlawry aggravated by murder. It was therefore 
determined by a plurality of votes, that I should be set on 
shore in France, and left to find my passage back to England 
as I should think proper, this being punishment sufficient 
for the bare suspicion of a crime in itself not capital. 
Although this favourable determination gave me great 
pleasure, the apprehension of being robbed would not suffer 
me to be perfectly at ease. To prevent this calamity, as 
soon as I was untied, in consequence of the foresaid 
decision, I tore a small hole in one of my stockings, into 
which I dropped six guineas, reserving half a piece and some 
silver in my pocket, that finding something, they might not 
be tempted to make any further inquiry. This was a very 
necessary precaution; for when we came within sight of the 
French shore, one of the smugglers told me I must pay for my 
passage. To this declaration I replied, that my passage was 
none of my own seeking; therefore they could not expect a 
reward from me for transporting me into a strange country by 
force. 'Damn me!' said the outlaw, 'none of your palaver; 
but let me see what money you have got.' So saying, he 
thrust his hand into my pocket without any ceremony, and 
emptied it of the contents. Then casting an eye at my hat 
and wig, which captivated his fancy, he took them off, and 
clapping his own on my head, declared that a fair exchange 
was no robbery. I was fain to put up with the bargain, which 
was by no means favourable to me; and a little while after 
we went all on shore together.
I resolved to take my leave of these desperadoes without 
much ceremony, when one of them cautioned me against 
appearing to their prejudice, if ever I returned to England, 
unless I had a mind to be murdered; for which service, he 
assured me, the gang never wanted agents. I promised to 
observe his advice, and departed for the Upper Town, where I 
inquired for a cabaret, or public-house, into which I went, 
with an intention of taking some refreshment. In the 
kitchen, five Dutch sailors sat at breakfast, with a large 
loaf, a firkin of butter, and a cag of brandy, the bung of 
which they often applied to their mouths with great 
perseverance and satisfaction. At some distance from them I 
perceived another person in the same garb, sitting in a 
pensive solitary manner, entertaining himself with a whiff 
of tobacco from the stump of a pipe as black as jet. The 
appearance of distress never failed to attract my regard and 
compassion. I approached this forlorn tar with a view to 
offer him my assistance; and, notwithstanding the alteration 
of dress, and disguise of a long beard, I discovered in him 
my long-lost and lamented uncle and benefactor, Lieutenant 
Bowling! Good Heaven! what were the agitations of my soul, 
between the joy of finding again such a valuable friend, and 
the sorrow of seeing him in such a low condition! The tears 
gushed down my cheeks: I stood motionless and silent for 
some time; at length, recovering the use of speech, 
exclaimed, 'Gracious God! Mr Bowling!' My uncle no sooner 
heard his name mentioned, than he started up, crying with 
some surprise, 'Halloa!' and after having looked at me 
steadfastly, without being able to recollect me, said, 'Did 
you call me, brother?' I told him I had something 
extraordinary to communicate, and desired him to give me the 
hearing for a few minutes in another room; but he would by 
no means consent to this proposal, saying, 'Avast there, 
friend; none of your tricks upon travellers; if you have 
anything to say to me, do it above board; you need not be 
afraid of being overheard; here are none who understand our 
lingo.'
Though I was loth to discover myself before company, I could 
no longer refrain from telling him I was his own nephew, 
Roderick Random. On this information, he considered me with 
great earnestness and astonishment, and recalling my 
features, which, though enlarged, were not entirely altered 
since he had seen me, came up, and shook me by the hand very 
cordially, protesting he was glad to see me well. After some 
pause, he went on thus: 'And yet, my lad, I am sorry to see 
you under such colours; the more so, as it is not in my 
power, at present, to change them for the better, times 
being very hard with me.' With these words, I could perceive 
a tear trickle down his furrowed cheeks, which affected me 
so much, that I wept bitterly. Imagining my sorrow was the 
effect of my own misfortunes, he comforted me with 
observing, that life was a voyage in which we must expect to 
meet with all weathers; sometimes it was calm, sometimes 
rough; that a fair gale often succeeded a storm; that the 
wind did not always sit one way, and that despair signified 
nothing; but that resolution and skill were better than a 
stout vessel; for why? because they require no carpenter, 
and grow stronger the more labour they undergo. I dried up 
my tears, which I assured him were not shed for my own 
distress, but for his, and begged leave to accompany him 
into another room, where we could converse more at our ease. 
There I recounted to him the ungenerous usage I had met with 
from Potion; at which relation he started up, stalked across 
the room three or four times in a great hurry, and, grasping 
his cudgel, cried, 'I would I were alongside of him - that's 
all - I would I were alongside of him!' I then gave him a 
detail of all my adventures and sufferings, which affected 
him more than I could have imagined; and concluded with 
telling him that Captain Oakum was still alive, and that he 
might return to England when he would to solicit his 
affairs, without danger or molestation. He was wonderfully 
pleased with this piece of information, of which, however, 
he said he could not at present avail himself, for want of 
money to pay his passage to London. This objection I soon 
removed, by putting five guineas into his hand, and telling 
him I thought myself extremely happy in having an 
opportunity of manifesting my gratitude to him in his 
necessity. But it was with the utmost difficulty I could 
prevail upon him to accept of two, which he affirmed were 
more than sufficient to defray the necessary expense. After 
this friendly contest was over, he proposed we should have a 
mess of something: 'For,' said he, 'it has been banyan-day 
with me a great while. You must know I was shipwrecked five 
days ago, near a place called Lisieux, in company with those 
Dutchmen who are now drinking below; and having but little 
money when I came ashore, it was soon spent, because I let 
them have share and share while it lasted. Howsomever, I 
should have remembered the old saying, Every hog his own 
apple: for when they found my hold instowed, they went all 
hands to shooling and begging, and because I would not take 
a spell at the same duty, refused to give me the least 
assistance; so that I have not broke bread these two days.' 
I was shocked at the extremity of his distress, and ordered 
some bread, cheese, and wine to be brought immediately, to 
allay his hunger, until a fricassee of chickens could be 
prepared. When he had recruited his spirits with this homely 
fare, I desired to know the particulars of his peregrination 
since the accident at Cape Tiberoon; which were briefly 
these: the money he had about him being all spent at Port 
Louis, the civility and hospitality of the French cooled to 
such a degree, that he was obliged to list on board of one 
of their king's ships as a common foremast man, to prevent 
himself from starving on shore. In this situation he 
continued two years, during which time he had acquired some 
knowledge of their language, and the reputation of a good 
seaman: the ship he belonged to was ordered home to France, 
where she was laid up, as unfit for service, and he was 
received on board of one of Monsieur D'Antin's squadron, in 
quality of quarter-master; which office he performed in a 
voyage to the West Indies, where they engaged with our ship 
as before related; but his conscience upbraiding him for 
serving the enemies of his country, he quitted the ship at 
the same place where he first listed, and got to Curacao in 
a Dutch vessel; there he bargained with a skipper bound to 
Europe, to work for his passage to Holland, from whence he 
was in hopes of hearing from his friends in England; but was 
cast away, as he mentioned before, on the French coast, and 
must have been reduced to the necessity of travelling on 
foot to Holland, and begging for his subsistence on the 
road, o} of entering on board of another French man-of-war, 
at the hazard of being treated as a deserter, if Providence 
had not sent me to his succour. 'And now, my lad,' continued 
he, 'I think I shall steer my course directly to London, 
where I do not doubt of being replaced, and of having the R 
taken off me by the Lords of the Admiralty, to whom I intend 
to write a petition setting forth my case. If I succeed, I 
shall have wherewithal to give you some assistance, because, 
when I left the ship, I had two years' pay due to me: 
therefore I desire to know whither you are bound; and 
besides, perhaps, I may have interest enough to procure a 
warrant appointing you surgeon's mate of the ship to which I 
shall belong. For the beadle of the Admiralty is my good 
friend; and he and one of the underclerks are sworn 
brothers, and that under-clerk has a good deal to say with 
one of the upper clerks, who is very well known to the 
undersecretary who, upon his recommendation, I hope will 
recommend my affair to the first secretary; and he again 
will speak to one of the lords in my behalf: so that you see 
I do not want friends to assist me on occasion - as for the 
fellow Crampley, tho'f I know him not, I am sure he is 
neither seaman nor officer, by what you have told me, or 
else he could never be so much mistaken in his reckoning, as 
to run the ship on shore on the coast of Sussex, before he 
believed himself in soundings; neither, when that accident 
happened, would he have left the ship until she had been 
stove to pieces, especially when the tide was making; 
wherefore, by this time, I do suppose he has been tried by a 
court-martial, and executed for his cowardice and 
misconduct.' I could not help smiling at the description of 
my uncle's ladder, by which he proposed to climb to the 
attention of the Board of Admiralty; and though I knew the 
world too well to confide in such dependence myself, I would 
not discourage him with doubts; but asked if he had no 
friend in London who would advance a small sum of money to 
enable him to appear as he ought, and make a small present 
to the under-secretary, who might possibly dispatch his 
business the sooner on that account. He scratched his head, 
and, after some recollection, replied, 'Why, yes, I believe 
Daniel Whipcord the ship-chandler in Wapping would not 
refuse me such a small matter. I know I can have what credit 
I want, for lodging, liquor, and clothes: but as to money I 
won't be positive: had honest Block been living, I should 
not have been at a loss.' I was heartily sorry to find a 
worthy man so destitute of friends, when he had such need of 
them; and looked upon my own situation as less miserable 
than his, because I was better acquainted with the 
selfishness and roguery of mankind, consequently less liable 
to disappointment and imposition.


Chapter 42

When our repast was ended, we walked down to the harbour, 
where we found a cutter that was to sail for Deal in the 
evening, and Mr Bowling agreed for his passage. In the 
meantime, we sauntered about the town to satisfy our 
curiosity, our conversation turning on the subject of my 
designs, which were not as yet fixed: neither can it be 
supposed that my mind was at ease, when I found myself 
reduced almost to extreme poverty, in the midst of 
foreigners, among whom I had not one acquaintance to advise 
or befriend me. My uncle was sensible of my forlorn 
condition, and pressed me to accompany him to England, where 
he did not doubt of finding some sort of provision for me: 
but, besides the other reasons I had for avoiding that 
kingdom, I looked upon it, at this time, as the worst 
country in the universe for a honest man to live in; and 
therefore determined to remain in France, at all events. I 
was confirmed in this resolution by a reverend priest, who 
passing by at this time, and over hearing us speak English, 
accosted us in the same language, telling us he was our 
countryman, and wishing it might be in his power to do us 
any service. We thanked this grave person for his courteous 
offer, and invited him to drink a glass with us, which he 
did not think proper to refuse, and we went altogether into 
a tavern of his recommending. After having drank to our 
healths in a bumper of good Burgundy, he began to inquire 
into our situation, particularly the place of our nativity, 
which we no sooner named, than he started up, and wringing 
our hands with great fervour, shed a flood of tears, crying, 
'I come from the same part of the country! perhaps you are 
my own relations.' I was on my guard against his caresses, 
which I suspected very much, when I remembered the adventure 
of the money-dropper; but, without any appearance of 
diffidence, observed, that as he was born in that part of 
the country, he must certainly know our families, which, 
howsoever mean our present appearance might be, were none of 
the most obscure or inconsiderable. Then I discovered our 
names, to which I found he was no stranger: he had known my 
grandfather personally; and, notwithstanding an absence of 
fifty years from Scotland, recounted so many particulars of 
the families in the neighbourhood, that my scruples were 
entirely removed, and I thought myself happy in his 
acquaintance. In the course of our conversation, I disclosed 
my condition without reserve, and displayed my talents to 
such advantage, that the old father looked upon me with 
admiration, and assured me that if I stayed in France, and 
listened to reason, I could not fail of making my fortune, 
to which he would contribute all in his power.
My uncle began to be jealous of the priest's insinuation, 
and very abruptly declared that, if ever I should renounce 
my religion, he would break off all connection and 
correspondence with me; for it was his opinion, that no 
honest man would swerve from the principles in which he was 
bred, whether Turkish, Protestant, or Roman. The father, 
affronted at this declaration, with great vehemence began a 
long discourse, setting forth the danger of obstinacy, and 
shutting one's eyes against the light: he said that 
ignorance would be no plea towards justification, when we 
had opportunities of being better informed; and that, if the 
minds of people had not been open to conviction, the 
Christian religion could not have been propagated in the 
world; and we should now be in a state of Pagan darkness and 
barbarity. He endeavoured to prove, by some texts of 
Scripture, and many quotations from the fathers, that the 
Pope was the successor of St Peter, and vicar of Jesus 
Christ; that the Church of Rome was the true Holy Catholic 
Church; and that the Protestant faith was an impious heresy 
and damnable schism, by which many millions of souls would 
suffer everlasting perdition. When he had finished this 
sermon, which I thought he pronounced with more zeal than 
discretion, he addressed himself to my uncle, and desired to 
know his objections to what had been said. The lieutenant, 
whose attention had been wholly engrossed by his own 
affairs, took the pipe out of his mouth, and replied, 'As 
for me, friend, d'ye see, I have no objection to what you 
say; it may be either true or false for what I know; I 
meddle with nobody's affairs but my own; the gunner to his 
linstock, and the steersman to the helm, as the saying is. I 
trust to no creed but the compass, and do unto every man as 
I would be done by; so that I defy the Pope, the Devil, and 
the Pretender; and hope to be saved as well as another.' 
This association of persons gave great offence to the friar, 
who protested in a mighty passion, that if Mr Bowling had 
not been his countryman, he would have caused him to be 
imprisoned for his insolence. I ventured to disapprove of my 
uncle's rashness, and appeased the old gentleman by assuring 
him, there was no offence intended by my kinsman, who, by 
this time, sensible of his error, shook the injured party by 
the hand, and asked pardon for the freedom he had taken. 
Matters being amicably compromised, he invited us to come 
and see him in the afternoon at the convent to which he 
belonged, and took his leave for the present; when my uncle 
recommended it strongly to me to persevere in the religion 
of my forefathers, whatever advantages I might propose to 
myself by a change, which could not fail of disgracing 
myself, and dishonouring my family. I assured him, no 
consideration should induce me to forfeit his friendship and 
good opinion on that score; at which assurance he discovered 
great satisfaction, and put me in mind of dinner, which we 
immediately bespoke, and, when it was ready, ate together.
I imagined my acquaintance with the Scottish priest, if 
properly managed, might turn out to my advantage, and 
therefore resolved to cultivate it as much as I could. With 
this view we visited him at his convent, according to his 
invitation, where he treated us with wine and sweetmeats, 
and showed us everything that was remarkable in the 
monastery. Having been thus entertained we took our leave, 
though not before I had promised to see him next day; and 
the time fixed for my uncle's embarking being come, I 
accompanied him to the harbour, and saw him on board. We 
parted not without tears, after we had embraced, and wished 
one another all manner of prosperity; and he entreated me to 
write to him often, directing to Lieutenant Bowling, at the 
sign of the Union Flag, near the Hermitage, London.
I returned to the house in which we had met, where I passed 
the night in a very solitary manner, reflecting on the 
severity of my fate, and endeavouring to project some likely 
scheme of life for the future; but my invention failed me; I 
saw nothing but insurmountable difficulties in my way, and 
was ready to despair at the miserable prospect! That I might 
not, however, neglect any probable means, I got up in the 
morning and went directly to the father, whose advice and 
assistance I implored. He received me very kindly, and gave 
me to understand that there was one way of life in which a 
person of my talents could not fail of making a great 
figure. I guessed his meaning, and told him once for all, I 
was fully determined against any alteration in point of 
religion, therefore, if his proposal regarded the Church, he 
might save himself the trouble of explaining it. He shook 
his head and sighed, saying, 'Ah! son, son, what a glorious 
prospect is here spoiled by your stubborn prejudice! Suffer 
yourself to be persuaded by reason, and consult your 
temporal welfare, as well as the concerns of your eternal 
soul. I can, by my interest, procure your admission as a 
novitiate into this convent, where I will superintend and 
direct you with a truly paternal affection.' Then he 
launched out into the praises of a monastic life, which no 
noise disturbs, no cares molest, and no danger invades; 
where the heart is weaned from carnal attachments, the 
grosser appetites subdued and chastised, and the soul wafted 
to divine regions of philosophy and truth, on the wings of 
studious contemplation. But his eloquence was lost upon me, 
whom two considerations enabled to withstand his 
temptations; namely, my promise to my uncle, and my aversion 
to an ecclesiastical life; for, as to the difference of 
religion, I looked upon it as a thing of too small moment to 
come in competition with a man's fortune. Finding me 
immovable on this head, he told me he was more sorry than 
offended at my non-compliance, and still ready to employ his 
good offices in my behalf. 'The same erroneous maxims,' said 
he, 'that obstruct your promotion in the Church, will 
infallibly prevent your advancement in the army; but if you 
can brook the condition of a servant, I am acquainted with 
some people of rank at Versailles, to whom I can give you 
letters of recommendation, that you may be entertained by 
some one of them in quality of mal tre d 'hotel; and I do 
not doubt that your qualifications will soon entitle you to 
a better provision.' I embraced his offer with great 
eagerness; and he appointed me to come back in the 
afternoon, when he would not only give me letters, but 
likewise introduce me to a Capuchin of his acquaintance, who 
intended to set out for Paris next morning, in whose company 
I might travel, without being at the expense of one livre 
during the whole journey. This piece of good news gave me 
infinite pleasure; I acknowledged my obligation to the 
benevolent father in the most grateful expressions; and he 
performed his promise to a tittle, in delivering the 
letters, and making me acquainted with the Capuchin, with 
whom I departed next morning by break of day.
It was not long before I discovered my fellow-traveller to 
be a merry facetious fellow, who, notwithstanding his 
profession and appearance of mortification, loved good 
eating and drinking better than his rosary, and paid more 
adoration to a pretty girl than to the Virgin Mary, or St 
Genevieve. He was a thick brawny young man, with red 
eyebrows, a hook nose, a face covered with freckles; and his 
name was Frere Balthazar. His order did not permit him to 
wear linen, so that, having little occasion to undress 
himself, he was none of the cleanliest animals in the world; 
and his constitution was naturally so strongly scented, that 
I always thought it convenient to keep to the windward of 
him in our march. As he was perfectly well known on the 
road, we fared sumptuously without any cost, and the fatigue 
of our journey was much alleviated by the good humour of my 
companion, who sung an infinite number of catches on the 
subjects of love and wine. We took up our lodging the first 
night at a peasant's house not far from Abbeville, where we 
were entertained with an excellent ragout, cooked by our 
landlord's daughters, one of whom was very handsome. After 
having eaten heartily, and drank a sufficient quantity of 
small wine, we were conducted to a barn, where we found a 
couple of carpets spread upon clean straw for our reception. 
We had not lain in this situation above half an hour, when 
we heard somebody knock softly at the door, upon which 
Balthazar got up, and let in our host's two daughters, who 
wanted to have some private conversation with him in the 
dark; when they had whispered together for some time, the 
Capuchin came to me and asked if I was insensible to love, 
and so hard-hearted as to refuse a share of my bed to a 
pretty maid, who had a tendre for me? I must own, to my 
shame, that I suffered myself to be overcome by my passion, 
and with great eagerness seized the occasion, when I 
understood the amiable Nanette was to be my bedfellow. In 
vain did my reason suggest the respect that I owed to my 
dear mistress Narcissa; the idea of that lovely charmer 
rather increased than allayed the ferment of my spirits; and 
the young paysanne had no reason to complain of my 
remembrance. Early in the morning, the kind creatures left 
us to our repose, which lasted till eight o'clock, when we 
got up, and were treated at breakfast with chocolate and 
l'eau de vie by our paramours, of whom we took a tender 
leave, after my companion had confessed and given them 
absolution. While we proceeded on our journey, the 
conversation turned upon the night's adventure, being 
introduced by the Capuchin, who asked me how I liked my 
lodging: I declared my satisfaction, and talked in rapture 
of the agreeable Nanette; at which he shook his head, and 
smiling, said she was a morceau pour la bonne bouche. 'I 
never valued myself,' continued he, 'upon anything so much 
as the conquest of Nanette; and, vanity apart, I have been 
pretty fortunate in my amours.' This information shocked me 
not a little, as I was well convinced of his intimacy with 
her sister; and though I did not care to tax him with 
downright incest, I professed my astonishment at his last 
night's choice, when, I supposed, the other was at his 
devotion. To this hint he answered that, besides his natural 
complaisance to the sex, he had another reason to distribute 
his favours equally between them, namely, to preserve peace 
in the family, which could not otherwise be maintained; 
that, moreover, Nanette had conceived an affection for me, 
and he loved her too well to balk her inclination; more 
especially when he had an opportunity of obliging his friend 
at the same time. I thanked him for this instance of his 
friendship, though I was extremely disgusted at his want of 
delicacy, and cursed the occasion that threw me in his way. 
Libertine as I was, I could not bear to see a man behave so 
wide of the character he assumed; I looked upon him as a 
person of very little worth or honesty, and should have even 
kept a wary eye upon my pocket, if I had thought he could 
have any temptation to steal. But I could not conceive the 
use of money to a Capuchin, who is obliged, by the rules of 
his order, to appear like a beggar, and enjoys all other 
necessaries of life gratis; besides, my fellow-traveller 
seemed to be of a complexion too careless and sanguine to 
give me any apprehension on that score; so that I proceeded 
with great confidence, in expectation of being soon at my 
journey's end.



Chapter 43

The third night of our pilgrimage we passed at a house near 
Amiens, where Balthazar being unknown, we supped upon 
indifferent fare and sour wine, and were fain to lie in a 
garret upon an old mattress, which, I believe, had been in 
the possession of ten thousand myriads of fleas, time out of 
mind. We did not invade their territory with impunity: in 
less than a minute we were attacked by stings innumerable; 
in spite of which, however, we fell fast asleep, being 
excessively fatigued with our day's march, and did not wake 
till nine next morning, when seeing myself alone, I started 
up in a terrible fright, and examining my pockets, found my 
presaging fear too true! My companion had made free with my 
cash, and left me to seek my way to Paris by myself! I ran 
downstairs immediately; and with a look full of grief and 
amazement, inquired for the mendicant, who, they gave me to 
understand, had set out four hours before, after having told 
them I was a little indisposed, and desired I might not be 
disturbed, but be informed when I should awake that he had 
taken the road to Noyons, where he would wait for my coming 
at the Coq d'Or. I spoke not a word, but with a heavy heart 
directed my course to that place, at which I arrived in the 
afternoon, fainting with weariness and hunger; but learned 
to my utter confusion, that no such person had been there! 
It was happy for me that I had a good deal of resentment in 
my constitution, which animated me on such occasions against 
the villainy of mankind, and enabled me to bear misfortunes 
otherwise intolerable. Boiling with indignation, I 
discovered to the host my deplorable condition, and 
inveighed with great bitterness against the treachery of 
Balthazar; at which he shrugged up his shoulders, and, with 
a peculiar grimace in his countenance, said he was sorry for 
my misfortune; but there was no remedy like patience. At 
that instant some guests arrived, to whom he hastened to 
offer his service, leaving me mortified at his indifference, 
and fully persuaded that an innkeeper is the same sordid 
animal all the world over. While I stood in the porch, 
forlorn and undetermined, venting ejaculations of curses 
against the thief who robbed me, and the old priest who 
recommended him to my friendship, a young gentleman richly 
dressed, attended by a valet de chambre and two servants in 
livery, arrived at the inn. I thought I perceived a great 
deal of sweetness and good nature in his countenance; 
therefore he had no sooner alighted than I accosted him, 
and, in a few words, explained my situation: he listened 
with great politeness, and, when I had made an end of my 
story, said, 'Well, Monsieur, what would you have me to do?' 
I was effectually abashed at this interrogation, which I 
believe no man of common sense or generosity could make, and 
made no other reply than a low bow: he returned the 
compliment still lower, and tript into an apartment, while 
the landlord let me know, that my standing there to 
interrupt company gave offence, and might do him infinite 
prejudice. He had no occasion to repeat his insinuation; I 
moved from the place immediately; and was so much 
transported with grief, anger, and disdain, that a torrent 
of blood gushed from my nostrils. In this ecstasy I quitted 
Noyons, and betook myself to the fields, where I wandered 
about like one distracted, till my spirits were quite 
exhausted, and I was obliged to throw myself down at the 
root of a tree, to rest my wearied limbs. Here my rage 
forsook me; I began to feel the importunate cravings of 
nature, and relapsed into silent sorrow and melancholy 
reflection. I revolved all the crimes I had been guilty of, 
and found them so few and venial, that I could not 
comprehend the justice of that Providence, which, after 
having exposed me to so much wretchedness and danger, left 
me a prey to famine at last in a foreign country, where I 
had not one friend or acquaintance to close my eyes, and do 
the last offices of humanity to my miserable carcass. A 
thousand times I wished myself a bear, that I might retreat 
to woods and deserts, far from the hospitable haunts of man, 
where I could live by my own talents, independent of 
treacherous friends and supercilious scorn.
As I lay in this manner groaning over my hapless fate, I 
heard the sound of a violin, and raising my head, perceived 
a company of men and women dancing on the grass at some 
distance from me. I looked upon this to be a favourable 
season for distress to attract compassion, when every 
selfish thought is banished, and the heart dilated with 
mirth and social joy; wherefore I got up and approached this 
happy people, whom I soon discovered to be a party of 
soldiers, with their wives and children, unbending and 
diverting themselves at this rate, after the fatigue of a 
march. I had never before seen such a parcel of scarecrows 
together, neither could I reconcile their meagre gaunt 
looks, their squalid and ragged attire, and every other 
external symptom of extreme woe, with this appearance of 
festivity. I saluted them, however, and was received with 
great politeness; after which they formed a ring and danced 
around me. This jollity had a wonderful effect upon my 
spirits! I was infected with their gaiety, and, in spite of 
my dismal situation, forgot my cares, and joined in their 
extravagance. When we had recreated ourselves a good while 
at this diversion, the ladies spread their manteaus on the 
ground, upon which they emptied their knapsacks of some 
onions, coarse bread, and a few flasks of poor wine. Being 
invited to a share of the banquet, I sat down with the rest, 
and in the whole course of my life never made a more 
comfortable meal. When our repast was ended, we got up again 
to dance; and now that I found myself refreshed, I behaved 
to the admiration of everybody. I was loaded with a thousand 
compliments and professions of friendship; the men commended 
my person and agility, and the women were loud in praise of 
my bonne grace; the sergeant in particular expressed so much 
regard for me, and described the pleasures of a soldier's 
life with so much art, that I began to listen to his 
proposal of enlisting me in the service; and the more I 
considered my own condition, the more I was convinced of the 
necessity I was under to come to a speedy determination. 
Having, therefore, maturely weighed the circumstances pro 
and con, I signified my consent, and was admitted into the 
regiment of Picardy, said to be the oldest corps in Europe. 
The company to which this command belonged was quartered at 
a village not far off, whither we marched next day, and I 
was presented to my captain, who seemed very well pleased 
with my appearance, gave me a crown to drink, and ordered me 
to be accommodated with clothes, arms, and accoutrements. 
Then I sold my livery suit, purchased linen, and, as I was 
at great pains to learn the exercise, in a very short time 
became a complete soldier.
It was not long before we received orders to join several 
more regiments, and march with all expedition into Germany, 
in order to reinforce Mareschal Duc de Noailles, who was 
then encamped with his army on the side of the river Mayne, 
to watch the motions of the English, Hanoverians, Austrians, 
and Hessians, under the command of the Earl of Stair. We 
began our march accordingly, and then I became acquainted 
with that part of a soldier's life to which I had been 
hitherto a stranger. It is impossible to describe the hunger 
and thirst I sustained, and the fatigue I underwent in a 
march of so many hundred miles; during which I was so much 
chafed with the heat and motion of my limbs, that in a very 
short time the inside of my thighs and legs was deprived of 
skin, and I proceeded in the utmost torture. This misfortune 
I owed to the plumpness of my constitution, which I cursed, 
and envied the withered condition of my comrades, whose 
bodies could not spare juice enough to supply a common 
issue, and were indeed proof against all manner of friction. 
The continual pain I felt made me fretful, and my 
peevishness was increased by the mortification of my pride 
in seeing those miserable wretches, whom a hard gale of wind 
would have scattered through the air like chaff, bear those 
toils with alacrity under which I was ready to sink.
One day, while we enjoyed a halt, and the soldiers with 
their wives had gone out to dance, according to custom, my 
comrade stayed at home with me on pretence of friendship, 
and insulted me with his pity and consolation! He told me, 
though I was young and tender at present, I would soon be 
seasoned to the service; and he did not doubt but I should 
have the honour to contribute in some measure to the glory 
of the king. 'Have courage, therefore, my child,' said he, 
'and pray to the good God that you may be as happy as I am, 
who have had the honour of serving Lewis the Great, and of 
receiving many wounds in helping to establish his glory.' 
When I looked upon the contemptible object that pronounced 
these words, I was amazed at the infatuation that possessed 
him; and could not help expressing my astonishment at the 
absurdity of a rational being, who thinks himself highly 
honoured in being permitted to encounter abject poverty, 
oppression, famine, disease, mutilation, and evident death, 
merely to gratify the vicious ambition of a prince, by whom 
his sufferings were disregarded, and his name utterly 
unknown. I observed that, if his situation was the 
consequence of compulsion, I would praise his patience and 
fortitude in bearing his lot; if he had taken up arms in 
defence of his injured country, he was to be applauded for 
his patriotism; or, if he had fled to this way of life as a 
refuge from a greater evil, he was justifiable in his own 
conscience, though I could have no notion of misery more 
extreme than that he suffered; but to put his condition on 
the footing of conducing to the glory of his prince, was no 
more than professing himself a desperate slave, who 
voluntarily underwent the utmost wretchedness and peril, and 
committed the most flagrant crimes, to soothe the barbarous 
pride of a fellow-creature, his superior in nothing but the 
power he derived from the submission of such wretches as 
him. The soldier was very much affronted at the liberty I 
took with his king, which he said nothing but my ignorance 
could excuse. He affirmed that the characters of princes 
were sacred, and ought not to be profaned by the censure of 
their subjects, who were bound by their allegiance to obey 
their commands, of what nature soever, without scruple or 
repining; and advised me to correct the rebellious 
principles I had imbibed among the English, who, for their 
insolence to their kings, were notorious all over the world, 
even to a proverb.
In vindication of my countrymen, I repeated all the 
arguments commonly used to prove that every man has a 
natural right to liberty, that allegiance and protection are 
reciprocal; that, when the mutual tie is broken by the 
tyranny of the king, he is accountable to the people for his 
breach of contract, and subject to the penalty of the law; 
and that those insurrections of the English, which are 
branded with the name of rebellion by the slaves of 
arbitrary power, were no other than glorious efforts to 
rescue that independence which was their birthright, from 
the ravenous claws of usurping ambition. The Frenchman, 
provoked at the little deference I paid to the kingly name, 
lost all patience, and reproached me in such a manner that 
my temper forsook me, and I clenched my fist, with an 
intention to give him a hearty box on the ear. Perceiving my 
design, he started back, and demanded a parley; upon which I 
checked my indignation, and he gave me to understand that a 
Frenchman never forgave a blow; therefore, if I was not 
weary of life, I would do well to spare him that 
mortification, and do him the honour of measuring my sword 
with his, like a gentleman. I took his advice, and followed 
him to a field hard by, where indeed I was ashamed at the 
pitiful figure of my antagonist, who was a poor, little, 
shivering creature, decrepit with age, and blind of one eye. 
But I soon found the folly of judging from appearances, 
being at the second pass wounded in the sword-hand, and 
immediately disarmed with such a jerk, that I thought the 
joint was dislocated. I was no less confounded than enraged 
at this event, especially as my adversary did not bear his 
success with all the moderation that might have been 
expected; for he insisted upon my asking pardon for 
affronting his king and him. This proposal I would by no 
means comply with, but told him it was a mean condescension, 
which no gentleman in his circumstances ought to propose, 
nor any in my situation ought to perform; and that, if he 
persisted in his ungenerous demand, I would in my turn claim 
satisfaction with my musket, when we should be more upon a 
par than with the sword, of which he seemed so much master.



Chapter 44

He was disconcerted at this declaration, to which he made no 
reply, but repaired to the dancers, among whom he recounted 
his victory, with many exaggerations and gasconades; while 
I, taking up my sword, went to my quarters and examined my 
wound, which I found was of no consequence. The same day, an 
Irish drummer, having heard of my misfortune, visited me, 
and, after having condoled me on the chance of war, gave me 
to understand that he was master of the sword, and would, in 
a very short time, instruct me so thoroughly in that noble 
science, that I should be able to chastise the old Gascon 
for his insolent boasting at my expense. This friendly 
office he proffered on pretence of the regard he had for his 
countrymen; but I afterwards learned the true motive was no 
other than a jealousy he entertained of a correspondence 
between the Frenchman and his wife, which he did not think 
proper to resent in person. Be this as it will, I accepted 
his offer, and practised his lessons with such application, 
that I soon believed myself a match for my conqueror. In the 
meantime we continued our march, and arrived at the camp of 
Mareschal Noailles, the night before the battle of 
Dettingen. Notwithstanding the fatigue we had undergone, our 
regiment was one of those that were ordered next day to 
cross the river, under the command of the Duc de Gramont, to 
take possession of a narrow defile, through which the Allies 
must of necessity have passed at a great disadvantage, or 
remain where they were, and perish for want of provision, if 
they would not condescend to surrender at discretion. How 
they suffered themselves to be pent up in this manner, it is 
not my province to relate; I shall only observe, that, when 
we had taken possession of our ground, I heard an old 
officer, in conversation with another, express a surprise at 
the conduct of Lord Stair, who had the reputation of a good 
general. But it seems, at this time, that nobleman was 
overruled, and only acted in an inferior character; so that 
no part of the blame could be imputed to him, who declared 
his disapprobation of the step, in consequence of which the 
whole army was in the utmost danger; but Providence or 
Destiny acted miracles in their behalf, by disposing the Duc 
de Gramont to quit his advantageous post, pass the defile 
and attack the English, who were drawn up in order of battle 
on the plain, and who handled us so roughly, that, after 
having lost a great number of our men, we turned our backs 
without ceremony, and fled with such precipitation, that 
many hundreds perished in the river, through pure fear and 
confusion; for the enemy was so generous, that they did not 
pursue us one inch of ground; and if our consternation would 
have permitted, we might have retreated with great order and 
deliberation. But, notwithstanding the royal clemency of the 
King of Great Britain, who headed the Allies in person, and, 
no doubt, put a stop to the carnage, our loss amounted to 
5000 men, among whom were many officers of distinction. Our 
miscarriage opened a passage for the foe to Hanau, whither 
they immediately marched, leaving their sick and wounded in 
the care of the French, who next day took possession of the 
field of battle, buried the dead, and treated the living 
with humanity. This circumstance was a great consolation to 
us, who thence took occasion to claim the victory; and the 
genius of the French nation never appeared more conspicuous 
than now, in the rodomontades they uttered on the subject of 
their generosity and courage. Every man, by his own account, 
performed feats that eclipsed all the heroes of antiquity. 
One compared himself to a lion retiring at leisure from his 
cowardly pursuers, who keep at a wary distance, and gall him 
with their darts. Another likened himself to a bear who 
retreats with his face to the enemy, who dare not assail 
him; and the third assumed the character of a desperate 
stag, that turns upon the hounds and keeps them at bay. 
There was not a private soldier engaged who had not, by the 
prowess of his single arm, demolished a whole platoon, or 
put a squadron of horse to flight; and, among others, the 
meagre Gascon extolled his exploits above those of Hercules 
or Charlemagne. As I still retained my resentment for the 
disgrace I suffered in my last rencontre with him, and, now 
that I thought myself qualified, longed for an opportunity 
to retrieve my honour, I magnified the valour of the English 
with all the hyperboles I could imagine, and decried the 
pusillanimity of the French in the same style, comparing 
them to hares flying before greyhounds, or mice pursued by 
cats; and passed an ironical compliment on the speed he 
exerted in his flight, which, considering his age and 
infirmities, I said was surprising. He was stung to the 
quick by this sarcasm, and, with an air of threatening 
disdain, bade me know myself better, and remember the 
correction I had lately received from him for my insolence; 
for he might not always be in the humour of sparing a wretch 
who abused his goodness. To this innuendo I made no reply 
but a kick in the breech, which overturned him in an 
instant. He started up with wonderful agility, and, drawing 
his sword, attacked me with great fury. Several people 
interposed; but when he informed them of its being an affair 
of honour, they retired, and left us to decide the battle by 
ourselves. I sustained his onset with little damage, having 
only received a small scratch on my right shoulder, and 
seeing his breath and vigour almost exhausted, assaulted him 
in my turn, closed with him, and wrested his sword out of 
his hand in the struggle. Having thus acquired the victory, 
I desired him to beg his life; to which demand he made no 
answer, but shrugged up his shoulders to his ears, expanded 
his hands, elevated the skin on his forehead and eyebrows, 
and depressed the corners of his mouth in such a manner, 
that I could scarce refrain from laughing aloud at his 
grotesque appearance. That I might, however, mortify his 
vanity, which triumphed without bounds over my misfortune, I 
thrust his sword up to the hilt in something (it was not a 
tansy) that lay smoking on the plain, and joined the rest of 
the soldiers with an air of tranquillity and indifference.
There was nothing more of moment attempted by either of the 
armies during the remaining part of the campaign, which 
being ended, the English marched back to the Netherlands; 
part of our army was detached to French Flanders, and our 
regiment ordered into winter quarters in Champagne. It was 
the fate of the grenadier company, to which I now belonged, 
to lie at Rheims, where I found myself in the utmost want of 
everything; my pay, which amounted to five sols a day, far 
from supplying me with necessaries, being scarce sufficient 
to procure a wretched subsistence, to keep soul and body 
together; so that I was, by hunger and hard duty, brought 
down to the meagre condition of my fellow-soldiers, and my 
linen reduced from three tolerable shirts to two pair of 
sleeves and necks, the bodies having been long ago converted 
into spatter-dashes; and, after all, I was better provided 
than any private man in the regiment. In this urgency of my 
affairs, I wrote to my uncle in England, though my hopes 
from that quarter were not at all sanguine, for the reasons 
I have already explained; and, in the meantime, had recourse 
to my old remedy, patience, consoling myself with the 
flattering suggestions of a lively imagination, that never 
abandoned me in distress.
One day, while I stood sentinel at the gate of a general 
officer, a certain nobleman came to the door followed by a 
gentleman in mourning, to whom, at parting, I heard him 
saying, 'You may depend upon my good offices.' This 
assurance was answered by a low bow of the person in black, 
who, turning to go away, discovered to me the individual 
countenance of my old friend and adherent Strap. I was so 
much astonished at the sight, that I lost the power of 
utterance, and before I could recollect myself, he was gone 
without taking any notice of me. Indeed, had he stayed, I 
scarcely should have ventured to accost him; because, though 
I was perfectly well acquainted with the features of his 
face, I could not be positively certain as to the rest of 
his person, which was very much altered for the better since 
he left me at London; neither could I perceive by what means 
he was enabled to appear in the sphere of a gentleman, to 
which, while I knew him, he had not even the ambition to 
aspire. But I was too much concerned in the affair to 
neglect further information, and therefore took the first 
opportunity of asking the porter if he knew the gentleman to 
whom the marquis spoke. The Swiss told me his name was 
Monsieur d'Estrapes; that he had been valet de chambre to an 
English gentleman lately deceased; and that he was very much 
regarded by the marquis for his fidelity to his master, 
between whom and that nobleman a very intimate friendship 
had subsisted. Nothing could be more agreeable to me than 
this piece of intelligence, which banished all doubt of it 
being my friend, who had found means to frenchify his name 
as well as his behaviour since we parted. As soon, 
therefore, as I was relieved, I went to his lodging, 
according to a direction given me by the Swiss, and had the 
good fortune to find him at home. That I might surprise him 
the more, I concealed my name and business, and only desired 
the servant of the house to tell Monsieur d'Estrapes that I 
begged the honour of half an hour's conversation with him. 
He was confounded and dismayed at the message, when he 
understood it was sent by a soldier. Though he was conscious 
to himself of no crime, all that he had heard of the 
Bastille appeared to his imagination with aggravated horror, 
and it was not before I had waited a considerable time, that 
he had resolution enough to bid the servant show me 
upstairs.
When I entered his chamber, he returned my bow with great 
civility, and endeavoured, with forced complaisance, to 
disguise his fear, which appeared in the paleness of his 
face, the wildness of his looks, and the shaking of his 
limbs. I was diverted at his consternation, which redoubled 
when I told him in French, I had business for his private 
ear, and demanded a particular audience. The valet being 
withdrawn, I asked in the same language if his name was 
d'Estrapes? to which he answered, with a faltering tongue, 
'The same, at your service.' 'Are you a Frenchman?' said I. 
'I have not the honour of being Frenchman born,' replied he, 
'but I have an infinite veneration for the country.' I then 
desired he would do me the honour to look at me; which he no 
sooner did, than, struck with my appearance, he started 
back, and cried in English, 'O Jesus! sure it can't! No, 
'tis impossible!' I smiled at his interjections, saying, 'I 
suppose you are too much of a gentleman to own your friend 
in adversity.' When he heard me pronounce these words in our 
own language he leaped upon me in a transport of joy, hung 
about my neck, kissed me from ear to ear, and blubbered like 
a great schoolboy who had been whipt. - then observing my 
dress, he set up his throat, crying, 'O Lord! O Lord! that 
ever I should live to see my dearest friend reduced to the 
condition of a foot-soldier in the French service! Why did 
you consent to my leaving you? - But I know the reason - you 
thought you had got more creditable friends, and grew 
ashamed of my acquaintance. - Ah! Lord help us! though I was 
a little shortsighted, I was not altogether blind. And 
though I did not complain, I was not the less sensible of 
your unkindness, which was indeed the only thing that 
induced me to ramble abroad, the Lord knows whither; but I 
must own it has been a lucky ramble for me, and so I forgive 
you, and may God forgive you; - O Lord! O Lord! is it come 
to this?' I was nettled at the charge, which, though just, I 
could not help thinking unseasonable, and told him with some 
tartness, that, whether his suspicions were well or ill 
grounded, he might have chosen a more convenient opportunity 
of introducing them; and that the question now was, whether 
or no he found himself disposed to lend me any assistance. 
'Disposed!' replied he with great emotion, 'I thought you 
had known me so well, as to assure yourself, without asking, 
that I and all that belongs to me are at your command. In 
the meantime, you shall dine with me, and I will tell you 
something that, perhaps, will not be displeasing unto you.' 
Then wringing my hand, he said, 'It makes my heart bleed to 
see you in that garb!' I thanked him for his invitation, 
which, I observed, could not be unwelcome to a person who 
had not eaten a comfortable meal these seven months. But I 
had another request to make, which I begged he would grant 
before dinner, and that was the loan of a shirt; for 
although my back had been many weeks a stranger to any 
comfort of that kind, my skin was not yet familiarized to 
the want of it. He stared in my face, with a woeful 
countenance, at this declaration, which he could scarce 
believe, until I explained it by unbuttoning my coat and 
disclosing my naked body; a circumstance that shocked the 
tender-hearted Strap, who, with tears in his eyes, ran to a 
chest of drawers, and, taking out some linen, presented to 
me a very fine ruffled holland shirt, and cambric neckcloth, 
assuring me he had three dozen of the same kind at my 
service. I was ravished at this piece of good news, and 
having accommodated myself in a moment, hugged my benefactor 
for his generous offer, saying I was overjoyed to find him 
undebauched by prosperity, which seldom fails to corrupt the 
heart. He bespoke for dinner some soup and bouille, a couple 
of pullets roasted, and a dish of asparagus, and in the 
interim entertained me with biscuit and Burgundy; after 
which repast, he entreated me to gratify his longing desire 
of knowing every circumstance of my fortune since his 
departure from London. This request I complied with, 
beginning at the adventure of Gawky, and relating every 
particular event in which I had been concerned from that day 
to the present hour. During the recital, my friend was 
strongly affected, according to the various situations 
described. He started with surprise, glowed with 
indignation, gaped with curiosity, smiled with pleasure, 
trembled with fear, and wept with sorrow, as the 
vicissitudes of my life inspired these different passions; 
and, when my story was ended, signified his amazement on the 
whole by lifting up his eyes and hands, and protesting, that 
though I was a young man, I had suffered more than all the 
blessed martyrs.
After dinner, I desired in my turn to know the particulars 
of his peregrination, and he satisfied me in a few words, by 
giving me to understand that he had lived a year at Paris 
with his master, who in that time having acquired the 
language, as well as the fashionable exercises, to 
perfection, made a tour of France and Holland, during which 
excursion he was so unfortunate as to meet with three of his 
own countrymen on their travels, in whose company he 
committed such excesses, that his constitution failed, and 
he fell into a consumption; that, by the advice of 
physicians, he went to Montpellier for the benefit of good 
air, and recovered so well in six weeks, that he returned to 
Rheims, seemingly in good health, where he had not continued 
above a month, when he was seized with a looseness that 
carried him off in ten days, to the unspeakable sorrow of 
all who knew him, and especially of Strap, who had been very 
happy in his service, and given such satisfaction, that his 
master, on his deathbed, recommended him to several persons 
of distinction, for his diligence, sobriety, and affection, 
and left him by will his wearing apparel, gold watch, sword, 
rings, ready money, and all the movables he had in France, 
to the value of three hundred pounds, 'which I now,' said 
he, 'in the sight of God and man, surrender to your absolute 
disposal. Here are my keys, take them, I beseech you, and 
God give you joy of the possession.' My brain was almost 
turned by the sudden change of fortune, which I could scarce 
believe real; however, I positively refused this extravagant 
offer of my friend, and put him in mind of my being a 
soldier; at which hint he started, crying, 'Odso! that's 
true - we must procure your discharge. I have some interest 
with a nobleman who is able to do me that favour.' We 
consulted about this affair, and it was determined that 
Monsieur d'Estrapes should wait upon the marquis in the 
morning, and tell him he had by accident found his brother, 
whom he had not seen for many years before, a private 
soldier in the regiment of Picardy, and implore that 
nobleman's interest for his discharge. In the meantime we 
enjoyed ourselves over a bottle of good Burgundy, and spent 
the evening in concerting schemes for our future conduct, in 
case I should be so lucky as to get rid of the army. The 
business was to make ourselves easy for life by means of his 
legacy, a task very difficult, and, in the usual methods of 
laying out money, altogether impracticable; so that after 
much canvassing, we could come to no resolution that night, 
but when we parted, recommended the matter to the serious 
attention of each other. As for my own part, I puzzled my 
imagination to no purpose. When I thought of turning 
merchant, the smallness of our stock, and the risk of seas, 
enemies, and markets, deterred me from that scheme. If I 
should settle as a surgeon in my own country, I would find 
the business already overstocked; or, if I pretended to set 
up in England, must labour under want of friends, and 
powerful opposition, obstacles insurmountable by the most 
shining merit. Neither should I succeed in my endeavours to 
rise in the state, inasmuch as I could neither flatter nor 
pimp for courtiers, nor prostitute my pen in defence of a 
wicked and contemptible administration. Before I could form 
any feasible project, I fell asleep, and my fancy was 
blessed with the image of the dear Narcissa, who seemed to 
smile upon my passion, and offer her hand as a reward for 
all my toils.
Early in the morning, I went to the lodgings of my friend, 
whom I found exulting over his happy invention; for I no 
sooner entered his apartment, than he addressed himself to 
me in these words, with a smile of self-applause: 'Well, Mr 
Random, a lucky thought may come into a fool's head 
sometimes. I have hit it; I'll hold you a button my plan is 
better than yours, for all your learning. But you shall have 
the preference in this, as in all other things; therefore 
proceed, and let us know the effects of your meditation, and 
then I will impart my own simple excogitations.' I told him 
that not one thought had occurred to me that deserved the 
least notice, and signified my impatience to be acquainted 
with the fruits of his reflection. 'As we have not,' said 
he, 'money sufficient to maintain us during a tedious 
expectation, it is my opinion that a bold push must be made; 
and I see none so likely to succeed, as your appearing in 
the character of a gentleman (which is your due), and making 
your addresses to some lady of fortune, who can render you 
independent at once. Nay, don't stare; I affirm that this 
scheme is both prudent and honourable; for I would not have 
you throw yourself away upon an old, toothless, wheezing 
dame, whose breath would stink you into a consumption in 
less than three months. Neither would I advise you to assume 
the character of a wealthy squire, as your common fortune-
hunters do, by which means many a poor lady is cheated into 
matrimony, and, instead of enjoying the pomp and grandeur 
that was promised, sees her dowry seized by her husband's 
rapacious creditors, and herself reduced to misery and 
despair. No, I know you have a soul that disdains such 
imposition, and are master of qualifications, both of mind 
and body, which alone entitle you to a match that will set 
you above the world. I have clothes in my possession that a 
duke need not be ashamed to wear. I believe they will fit 
you as they are; if not, there are plenty of tailors in 
France. Let us take a short trip to Paris, and provide 
ourselves with all other necessaries, then set out for 
England, where I intend to do myself the honour of attending 
you in quality of a valet. This expedient will save you the 
expense of a servant, shaving, and dressing; and I doubt not 
but, by the blessing of God, we shall bring matters to a 
speedy and fortunate issue.' Extravagant as this proposal 
was, I listened to it with pleasure, because it flattered my 
vanity, and indulged a ridiculous hope I began to entertain 
of inspiring Narcissa with a mutual flame.
After breakfast, Monsieur d'Estrapes went to pay his devoirs 
to the marquis, and was so successful in his application, 
that I obtained a discharge in a few days, upon which we set 
out for Paris. Here I had time to reflect and congratulate 
myself upon this sudden transition of fate, which, to bear 
with moderation, required some degree of philosophy and self-
denial. This truth will be more obvious, if I give a detail 
of the particulars, to the quiet possession of which I was 
raised in an instant, from the most abject misery and 
contempt. My wardrobe consisted of five fashionable coats, 
full mounted, two of which were plain, one of cut velvet, 
one trimmed with gold, and another with silver lace; two 
frocks, one of white drab with large plate buttons, the 
other of blue, with gold binding; one waistcoat of gold 
brocade; one of blue satin, embroidered with silver; one of 
green silk, trimmed with broad figured gold lace; one of 
black silk, with fringes; one of white satin, one of black 
cloth, and one of scarlet; six pair of cloth breeches, one 
pair of crimson, and another of black velvet; twelve pair of 
white silk stockings, as many of black silk, and the same 
number of fine cotton; one hat, laced with gold, point 
d'Espagne, another with silver lace scolloped, a third with 
gold binding, and a fourth plain; three dozen of fine 
ruffled shirts, as many neckcloths; one dozen of cambric 
handkerchiefs, and the like number of silk. The other 
movables which I possessed, by the generosity and friendship 
of Strap, were a gold watch, with a chased case; two 
valuable diamond rings; two mourning swords, one with a 
silver handle, and a fourth, cut steel, inlaid with gold; a 
diamond stock-buckle, and a set of stone buckles for the 
knees and shoes; a pair of silver-mounted pistols, with rich 
housings; a gold-headed cane, and a snuff-box of 
tortoiseshell, mounted with gold, having the picture of a 
lady in the top. The gentleman left many other things of 
value, which my friend had converted into cash before I met 
with him; so that, over and above these particulars, our 
stock in ready money amounted to something more than two 
hundred pounds.
Thus equipped, I put on the gentleman of figure, and, 
attended by my honest friend, who was contented with the 
station of my valet, visited the Louvre, examined the 
gallery of Luxembourg, and appeared at Versailles, where I 
had the honour of seeing his Most Christian Majesty eat a 
considerable quantity of olives. During the month I spent at 
Paris, I went several times to court, the Italian comedy, 
opera, and play-house, danced at a masquerade - and, in 
short, saw everything remarkable in and about that capital. 
Then we set out for England by the way of Flanders, passed 
through Brussels, Ghent, and Bruges, and took shipping at 
Ostend, from whence, in fourteen hours, we arrived at Deal, 
hired a post-chaise, and, in twelve hours more, got safe to 
London, having disposed of our heavy baggage in the wagon.


Chapter 45

As soon as we alighted at the inn, I dispatched Strap to inquire 
for my uncle at the Union Flag, in Wapping; and he returned in 
a little time with an account of Mr Bowling's having gone to 
sea, mate of a merchant-ship, after a long and unsuccessful 
application and attendance at the Admiralty; where, it seems, 
the interest he depended upon was not sufficient to reinstate 
him, or recover the pay that was due to him when he quitted 
the Thunder.
Next day I hired very handsome lodgings, not far from Charing 
Cross, and, in the evening, dressed myself in a plain suit of true 
Paris cut, and appeared in a front box at the play, where I saw a 
good deal of company, and was vain enough to believe that I 
was observed with an uncommon degree of attention and 
applause. This silly conceit intoxicated me so much, that I was 
guilty of a thousand ridiculous coquetries; and I dare say, how 
favourable soever the thoughts of the company might be at my 
first appearance, they were soon changed, by my absurd 
behaviour, into pity or contempt. I rose and sat down, covered 
and uncovered my head twenty times between the acts; pulled 
out my watch, clapped it to my ear, wound it up, set it, gave it 
the hearing again; displayed my snuff-box, affected to take 
snuff, that I might have an opportunity of showing my brilliant, 
and wiped my nose with a perfumed handkerchief; then 
dangled my cane, and adjusted my sword-knot, and acted many 
more fooleries of the same kind, in hopes of obtaining the 
character of a pretty fellow, in the acquiring of which I found 
two considerable obstructions in my disposition, namely, a 
natural reserve, and jealous sensibility. Fain would I have 
entered into conversation with the people around me, but I was 
restrained by the fear of being censured for my assurance, as 
well as by reflecting that I was more entitled to a compliment 
of this kind from them, than they to such condescension from a 
stranger like me. How often did I redden at the frequent 
whispers and loud laughter of my fellow-beaus, which I 
imagined were excited by me! and how often did I envy the 
happy indifference of those choice spirits who beheld the 
distress of the scene without discovering the least symptom of 
approbation or concern! My attention was engaged in spite of 
myself, and I could not help weeping with the heroine of the 
stage; though I practised a great many shifts to conceal this 
piece of unpolite weakness. When the play was ended, I sat 
waiting for an opportunity of handing some lady to her coach; 
but every one was attended by such a number of officious 
gallants, that for a long time I was balked in my expectation. 
At length, however, I perceived a very handsome creature, 
genteelly dressed, sitting by herself in a box, at some distance 
from me; upon which I went up to her and offered my service. 
She seemed to be in some confusion, thanked me for my 
complaisance, and with a tender look declined giving me the 
trouble; looking at her watch, and testifying her surprise at the 
negligence of her footman, whom she had ordered to have a 
chair ready for her at that hour. I repeated my entreaty with all 
the eloquence and compliment I was master of; and, in the 
event, she was prevailed upon to accept of a proposal I made to 
send my servant for a chair or coach: accordingly, Strap was 
detached for that purpose, and returned without success. By 
this time the playhouse was quite empty, and we were obliged 
to retire. As I led her through the passage, I observed five or 
six young fellows of fashion standing in a corner, one of 
whom, as I thought, tipt my charmer the wink, and when we 
were past, I heard them set up a loud laugh. This note aroused 
my attention, and I was resolved to be fully satisfied of this 
lady's character before I should have any nearer connection 
with her. As no convenience appeared, I proposed to conduct 
her to a tavern, where we might stay a few minutes, till my 
servant could fetch a coach from the Strand. She seemed 
particularly shy of trusting herself in a tavern with a stranger; 
but at last yielded to my pathetic remonstrances, rather than 
endanger her health by remaining in a cold damp thoroughfare. 
Having thus far succeeded, I begged to know what wine she 
would be pleased to drink a glass of; but she professed the 
greatest aversion to all sorts of strong liquors; and it was with 
much difficulty that I could persuade her to eat a jelly. In the 
meantime, I endeavoured to alleviate the uneasiness she 
discovered, by saying all the agreeable things I could think of; 
at which she would often sigh, and regard me with a 
languishing look, that seemed however too near akin to the 
lewd leer of a courtesan. This discovery, added to my former 
suspicion, while it put me upon my guard against her arts, 
divested me of reserve, and enabled me to entertain her with 
gaiety and freedom. In the course of our conversation, I 
pressed her to allow me the honour of waiting upon her next 
day at her lodgings; a request which she, with many apologies, 
refused, lest it should give umbrage to Sir John, who was of a 
disposition apt to be fretted with trifles. This information, by 
which I was to understand that her husband was a knight, did 
not check my addresses, which became more and more 
importunate, and I was even hardy enough to ravish a kiss. 
But, O Heavens! instead of banqueting on the ambrosial 
flavour that her delicacy of complexion promised, I was almost 
suffocated with the steams of Geneva! An exhalation of this 
kind, from a mouth which had just before declared an utter 
abhorrence of all spirituous liquors, not only changed my 
doubts into certainty, but my raptures into loathing; and it 
would have been impossible for me to have preserved common 
complaisance five minutes longer, when my servant returned 
with the coach. I took the advantage of this occasion, and 
presented my hand to the lady, who put in practice against me 
the whole artillery of her charms, ogling, languishing, sighing, 
and squeezing, with so little reserve, that Strap perceived her 
tenderness, and rubbed his hands with joy as he followed us to 
the door; but I was proof against all her endearments, and 
handed her into the coach with an intention to take my leave 
immediately. She guessed my design, and invited me to her 
house, whispering, that now Sir John was gone to bed, she 
could have the pleasure of my conversation for half an hour 
without interruption. I told her there was no mortification I 
would not undergo, rather than endanger the repose of her 
ladyship; and bidding the coachman drive on, wished her a 
good night. She lost all temper at my indifference, and 
stopping the coach at the distance of about twenty yards from 
me, popped out her head, and bawled with the lungs of a fish-
woman, 'Damn you, you dog, won't you pay the coach-hire?' 
As I made no answer, she held forth against me with an 
eloquence peculiar to herself; calling me a pitiful fellow, 
scoundrel, and an hundred such appellations; concluding with 
an oath that, for all my appearance, she believed I had got no 
money in my pocket.

Having thus vented her indignation, she ordered the coachman 
to proceed, and I returned to the tavern, where I bespoke 
something for supper, very well pleased at the issue of this 
adventure. I dispensed with the attendance of the waiter at 
table, on pretence that my own servant was present, and when 
we were alone, said to Strap, 'Well, Monsieur d'Estrapes, what 
do you think of this lady?' My friend, who had not opened his 
mouth since her departure, could make no other reply than the 
monosyllable, 'Think!' which he pronounced with a note of fear 
and astonishment. Surprised at this emphasis, I surveyed my 
valet, and perceiving a wildness in his looks asked if he had 
seen his grandfather's ghost? 'Ghost!' said he, 'I am sure I have 
seen a devil incarnate! Who would have thought that so much 
devilish malice and Billingsgate could lurk under such 
sweetness of countenance and modesty of behaviour? Ah! God 
help us! Fronti nulla fides nimium ne crede colori - but we 
ought to down on our knees and bless God for delivering us 
from the jaws of that painted sepulchre.' I was pretty much of 
Strap's opinion, and though I did not believe myself in any 
danger from the allurements of that sisterhood, I determined to 
act with great circumspection for the future, and shun all 
commerce of that kind, as equally prejudicial to my purse and 
constitution.

My next care was to introduce myself into a set of good 
acquaintance; for which purpose I frequented a certain coffee-
house, noted for the resort of good company, English as well as 
foreigners, where my appearance produced all the civilities and 
advances I could desire. As there was an ordinary in the same 
house, I went upstairs to dinner with the other guests, and 
found myself at a table with thirteen people, the greatest part of 
whom were better dressed than myself. The conversation, 
which was mostly carried on in French, turned chiefly on 
politics; and I soon found the whole company was in the 
French interest, myself excepted, and a testy old gentleman, 
who contradicted everything that was advanced in favour of his 
Most Christian Majesty, with a surliness truly English. But this 
trusty patriot, who had never been out of his own country, and 
drew all his maxims and notions from prejudice and hearsay, 
was very unequal to his antagonists, who were superior to him 
in learning and experience, and often took the liberty of 
travellers in asserting things which were not strictly true, 
because they thought themselves in no danger of being 
detected by him. The claim of the Queen of Spain to the 
Austrian dominions in Italy was fully explained and vindicated 
by a person who sat opposite to me, and, by the solemnity of 
his manner, and the richness of his apparel, seemed to be a 
foreign ambassador. This dissertation produced another on the 
Pragmatic Sanction, handled with great warmth by a young 
gentleman at my right hand, dressed in a green frock trimmed 
with gold, who justified the French king for his breach of that 
contract, and affirmed that he could not have observed it 
without injuring his own glory. Although I was not at all 
convinced by this gentleman's arguments, I could not help 
admiring his vivacity, which I imagined must be the effect of 
his illustrious birth and noble education, and accordingly rated 
him in my conjecture as a young prince on his travels. The 
discourse was afterwards shifted by an old gentleman of a very 
martial appearance, to the last campaign, when the battle of 
Dettingen was fought over again, with so many circumstances 
to the honour of the French, and disadvantage of the Allies, 
that I began to entertain some doubts of my having been there 
in person, and took the liberty to mention some objections to 
what he advanced. This freedom introduced a dispute, which 
lasted a good while, to the mortification of all present; and was 
at last referred to the determination of a grave person, whom 
they styled Doctor, and who, under a show of great 
moderation, decided it against me, with so little regard to truth, 
that I taxed him with partiality in pretty severe terms, to the no 
small entertainment of the true English politician, who rejoiced 
at my defence of a cause he had so often espoused without 
success.

My opponent, pleased with the victory he had gained, affected 
a great deal of candour, and told me he should not have been 
so positive if he had not been at great pains to inform himself 
of each particular. 'Indeed,' said he, 'I am convinced that, the 
previous steps considered, things could not happen otherwise, 
for we generals who have seen service, though we may not be 
on the spot ourselves, know, by the least sketch of the 
disposition, what must be the event.' He then censured, with 
great freedom, every circumstance of the conduct of those who 
commanded the Allies; from thence made a transition to the 
ministry, which he honoured with many invectives for 
employing people who had neither experience nor capacity, to 
the prejudice of old officers who had been distinguished for 
both, dropped many hints of his own importance, and 
concluded with observing that the French and Spaniards knew 
better how to value generals of merit; the good effects of which 
are seen in the conquests they gain, and the admirable 
discipline of their troops, which are, at the same time, better 
clothed and paid than any soldiers in the universe. These 
remarks furnished the green knight with an opportunity of 
launching out in the praise of the French Government in 
general, civil as well as military; on which occasion he made 
many odious comparisons to the disadvantage of the English. 
Everybody, almost, assented to the observations he made; and 
the doctor gave his sanction by saying, the people in France 
were undoubtedly the happiest subjects in the world. I was so 
much astonished and confounded at their infatuation and 
effrontery, that I had not power to utter one word in opposition 
to their assertions; but my morose associate could not put up 
with the indignity that was offered to Old England, and 
therefore, with a satirical grin, addressed himself to the general 
in these words: 'Sir, sir, I have often heard it said, " She's a 
villainous bird that befouls her own nest". As for what those 
people who are foreigners say; I don't mind it, they know no 
better; but you, who were bred and born, and have got your 
bread under the English Government, should have more regard 
to gratitude, as well as truth, in censuring your native country. 
If the ministry have thought fit to lay you aside, I suppose they 
have their own reason for so doing; and you ought to 
remember that you still live on the bounty of this nation. As for 
these gentlemen' (meaning the prince and ambassador), 'who 
make so free with our constitution, laws, and genius of our 
people, I think they might show a little more respect for their 
benefactors, who, I must own, are to blame in harbouring, 
protecting, and encouraging such ungrateful vagrants as they 
are.' At these words, the chevalier in green started up in a great 
passion, and, laying his hand on the hilt of his hanger, 
exclaimed, 'Ha, foutre!' The Englishman, on the other hand, 
grasping his cane, cried, 'Don't foutre me, sirrah, or, by God, 
I'll knock you down.' The company interposed, the Frenchman 
sat down again, and his antagonist proceeded: 'Lookee, 
Monsieur, you know very well that, had you dared to speak so 
freely of the administration of your own country in Paris as 
you have done of ours in London, you would have been sent to 
the Bastille without ceremony, where you might have rotted in 
a dungeon, and never seen the light of the sun again. Now, sir, 
take my word for it, although our constitution screens us from 
such oppression, we want not laws to chastise the authors of 
seditious discourse; and if I hear another syllable out of your 
mouth in contempt or prejudice of this kingdom, I will give 
you a convincing proof of what I advance, and have you laid 
by the heels for your presumption.' This declaration had an 
effect on the company as sudden as surprising. The young 
prince became supple as a spaniel; the ambassador trembled; 
the general sat silent and abashed; and the doctor, who, it 
seems, had felt the rod of power, grew pale as death, and 
assured us all that he had no intention to affront any person or 
people. 'Your principles, doctor,' resumed the old gentleman, 
'are no secret - I have nothing to say to you upon that head; but 
am very much surprised that a man who despises us so much, 
should, notwithstanding, live among us, when he has no visible 
motive for so doing. Why don't you take up your habitation in 
your beloved France, where you may rail at England without 
censure?' To this remonstrance the doctor thought proper to 
make no reply; and an unsocial silence ensued; which I 
perceiving, took notice that it was pity such idle disputes, 
maintained very often through whim or diversion, should 
create any misunderstanding among gentlemen of good sense; 
and proposed to drink down all animosity in another bottle. 
This motion was applauded by the whole company; the wine 
was brought, and the English champion, declaring he had no 
spleen against any man for differing in opinion from him, any 
more than for difference of complexion, drank to the good 
health of all present; the compliment was returned, and the 
conversation once more became unreserved, though more 
general than before. Among other topics, the subject of war 
was introduced, on which the general declaimed with great 
eloquence, recounting many of his own exploits by way of 
illustration. In the course of his harangue, he happened to 
mention the word epaulement, upon which the testy gentleman 
asked the meaning of that term. 'I'll tell you what an 
epaulement is,' replied he; 'I never saw an epaulement but 
once, and that was at the siege of Namur; in a council of war, 
Monsieur Cohorn, the famous engineer, affirmed that the place 
could not be taken. "Yes," said the Prince of Vaudemont, "it 
may be taken by an epaulement." This was immediately put in 
execution, and, in twenty-four hours, Mareschal Boufflers was 
fain to capitulate.' Here he made a full stop; and the old 
gentleman repeated the question, 'But pray what is an 
epaulement?' To this interrogation the officer made no reply, 
but rung the bell and called for a bill, which being brought, he 
threw down his proportion of the reckoning, and, telling the 
company he would show them an epaulement when his 
majesty should think fit to entrust him with the command of 
our army abroad, strutted away with great dignity. I could not 
imagine why he was so shy of explaining one of the most 
simple terms of fortification, which I forthwith described as a 
sidework, composed of earth, gabions, or fascines; but I was 
very much surprised when I afterwards understood that his 
reserve proceeded from his ignorance. Having paid our bill, we 
adjourned to the coffee-room where my fellow-labourer 
insisted on treating me with a dish, giving me to understand at 
the same time, that I had acquired his good opinion, both with 
respect to my principles and understanding. I thanked him for 
his compliment, and professing myself an utter stranger in this 
part of the world, begged he would have the goodness to 
inform me of the quality and characters of the people who 
dined above. This request was a real favour to one of his 
disposition, which was no less communicative than curious; he 
therefore complied with great satisfaction, and told me, to my 
extreme astonishment, that the supposed young prince was a 
dancer at one of the theatres, and the ambassador no other than 
a fiddler belonging to the opera. 'The doctor,' said he, 'is a 
Roman Catholic priest, who sometimes appears in the character 
of an officer, and assumes the name of Captain; but more 
generally takes the garb, title, and behaviour, of a physician, in 
which capacity he wheedles himself into the confidence of 
weak-minded people, and, by arguments no less specious than 
false, converts them from their religion and allegiance. He has 
been in the hands of justice more than once for such practices; 
but he is a sly dog, and manages matters with so much craft, 
that, hitherto, he has escaped for a short imprisonment. As for 
the general, you may see he has owed his promotion more to 
his interest than his capacity; and, now that the eyes of the 
ministry are opened, his friends dead, or become 
inconsiderable, he is struck off the list, and obliged to put up 
with a yearly pension. In consequence of this reduction, he is 
become malcontent, and inveighs against the government, in 
all companies, with so little discretion, that I am surprised at 
the lenity of the administration in overlooking his insolence; 
but the truth of the matter is, he owes his safety to his 
weakness and want of importance. He has seen a little, and but 
a little, service; and yet, if you would take his word for it, there 
has not been a great action performed in the field since the 
Revolution in which he was not principally concerned. When a 
story is told of any great general, he immediately matches it 
with one of himself, though he is often unhappy in his 
invention, and commits such gross blunders in the detail, that 
everybody is in pain for him. Caesar, Pompey, and Alexander 
the Great are continually in his mouth; and as he reads a good 
deal without any judgement to digest it, his ideas are confused, 
and his harangues as unintelligible as infinite; for, once he 
begins, there is no chance of his leaving off speaking while one 
person remains to yield attention; therefore the only expedient 
I know for putting a stop to his loquacity, is to lay hold of 
some incongruity he has uttered, and demand an explanation; 
or ask the meaning of some difficult term that he knows by 
name only. This method will effectually put him to silence, if 
not to flight, as it happened when I inquired about an 
epaulement. Had he been acquainted with the signification of 
that word, his triumph would have been intolerable, and we 
must have quitted the field first, or been worried with 
impertinence.' Having thus gratified my curiosity, the old 
gentleman began to discover his own, in questions relating to 
myself, to which I thought proper to return ambiguous 
answers. 'I presume, sir,' said he, 'you have travelled.' I 
answered, 'Yes.' 'I dare say you would find it very expensive,' 
said he. I replied, 'To be sure, one cannot travel without 
money.' 'That I know by experience,' said he, 'for I myself take 
a trip to Bath or Tunbridge every season; and one must pay 
sauce for what he has on the road, as well in other countries as 
in this. - That's a very pretty stone in your ring - give me 
leave, sir - the French have attained a wonderful skill in 
making compositions of this kind. Why, now, this looks almost 
as well as a diamond.' 'Almost as well, sir,' said I, 'why not 
altogether? I am sure, if you understand anything of jewels, 
you must perceive at first sight that this stone is a real 
diamond, and that of a very fine water. Take it in your hand 
and examine it.' He did so, with some confusion, and returned 
it, saying, 'I ask your pardon, I see it is a true brilliant of 
immense value.' I imagined his respect for me increased after 
this inquiry; therefore, to captivate his esteem the more, I told 
him I would show him a seal of composition, engraved after a 
very valuable antique; upon which I pulled out my watch, with 
a rich gold chain, adorned with three seals set in gold, and an 
opal ring. He viewed each of them with great eagerness, 
handled the chain, admired the chased case, and observed that 
the whole must have cost me a vast sum of money. I affected 
indifference, and replied in a careless manner, 'Some trifle of 
sixty or seventy guineas.' He stared in my face for some time, 
and then asked if I was an Englishman? I answered in the 
negative. 'You are from Ireland then, sir, I presume,' said he. I 
made the same reply. 'O! perhaps,' said he,' you was born in 
one of our settlements abroad.' I still answered, 'No'. He 
seemed very much surprised, and said he was sure I was not a 
foreigner. I made no reply, but left him upon the tenterhooks of 
impatient uncertainty. He could not contain his anxiety, but 
asked pardon for the liberties he had taken, and, to encourage 
me the more to disclose my situation, displayed his own 
without reserve: 'I am,' said he, 'a single man, have a 
considerable annuity, on which I live according to my own 
inclination, and make the ends of the year meet very 
comfortably. As I have no estate to leave behind me, I am not 
troubled with the importunate officiousness of relations or 
legacy hunters, and I consider the world as made for me, not 
me for the world: it is my maxim therefore to enjoy it while I 
can, and let futurity shift for itself.' While he thus indulged his 
own talkative vein, and at the same time, no doubt, expected a 
retaliation from me, a young man entered dressed in black 
velvet, and an enormous tie-wig, with an air in which natural 
levity and affected solemnity were so jumbled together, that, 
on the whole, he appeared a burlesque on all decorum. The 
ridiculous oddity danced up to the table at which we sat, and, 
after a thousand grimaces, asked my friend, by the name of Mr 
Medlar, if we were not engaged upon business. My companion 
put on a surly countenance, and replied, 'No great business, 
Doctor - but however - ' 'O! then,' cried the physician, 'I must 
beg your indulgence a little - pray pardon me, gentlemen. - 
Sir,' said he, addressing himself to me, 'your most humble 
servant, I hope you will forgive me, sir - I must beg the favour 
to sit, sir - Sir, I have something of consequence to impart to 
my friend, Mr Medlar - Sir, I hope you will excuse my 
freedom in whispering, sir.' Before I had time to give this 
complaisant person my permission, Mr Medlar cried, 'I'll have 
no whispering; if you have anything to say to me, speak with 
an audible voice.' The doctor seemed a little disconcerted at 
this exclamation, and, turning again to me, made a thousand 
apologies for pretending to make mystery of anything, a piece 
of caution which he said was owing to his ignorance of my 
connection with Mr Medlar; but, now he understood I was a 
friend, he would communicate what he had to say in my 
hearing. He then began, after two or three hems, in this 
manner: 'You must know, sir, I am just come from dinner at 
my Lady Flareit's' (then addressing himself to me), 'a lady of 
quality, sir, at whose table I have the honour of dining 
sometimes. There was Lady Stately, and my Lady Larum, and 
Mrs Dainty, and Miss Biddy Gigler, upon my word, a very 
good-natured young lady, with a very pretty fortune, sir. There 
were also my Lord Straddle, Sir John Shrug, and Mr Billy 
Chatter, who is actually a very facetious young gentleman. So, 
sir, her ladyship seeing me excessively fatigued, for she was 
the last of fifteen patients, people of distinction, sir, whom I 
had visited this forenoon, insisted upon my staying to dinner, 
though, upon my word, I protest I had no appetite; however, in 
compliance with her ladyship's request, sir, I sat down, and the 
conversation turning upon different subjects, among other 
things, Mr Chatter asked very earnestly when I saw Mr Medlar. 
I told him I had not had the pleasure of seeing you these 
nineteen hours and a half; for you may remember, sir, it was 
nearly about that time; I won't be positive to a minute. - "No!" 
says he, "then I desire you will go to his lodgings immediately 
after dinner, and see what's the matter with him, for he must 
certainly be very bad from having eat last night such a vast 
quantity of raw oysters." ' The crusty gentleman, who, from the 
solemnity of his delivery, expected something extraordinary, 
no sooner heard of his conclusion, than he started up in a testy 
humour, crying, 'Pshaw! pshaw! damn your oysters'; and 
walked away after a short compliment of, 'Your servant, sir,' to 
me. The doctor got up also, saying, 'I vow and protest, upon 
my word, I am actually amazed,' and followed Mr Medlar to 
the bar, which was hard by, where he was paying for his 
coffee; there he whispered so loud, that I could overhear, 'Pray 
who is this gentleman?' His friend replied hastily, 'I might have 
known that before now, if it had not been for your impertinent 
intrusion,' and walked off very much disappointed. The 
ceremonious physician returned immediately, and sat down by 
me, asking a thousand pardons for leaving me alone; and 
giving me to understand, that what he had communicated to Mr 
Medlar at the bar was an affair of the last importance, that 
would admit of no delay. He then called for some coffee, and 
launched out into the virtues of that berry, which, he said, in 
cold phlegmatic constitutions, like his, dried up the superfluous 
moisture, and braced the relaxed nerves. He told me it was 
utterly unknown to the ancients; and derived its name from an 
Arabian word, which I might easily perceive by the sound and 
termination. From this topic he transferred his disquisitions to 
the verb drink, which he affirmed was improperly applied to 
the taking of coffee, inasmuch as people did not drink, but sip 
or sipple that liquor; that the genuine meaning of drinking is to 
quench one's thirst, or commit a debauch by swallowing wine; 
that the Latin word, which conveyed the same idea, was bibere 
or potare, and that of the Greeks pinein or poteein, though he 
was apt to believe they were differently used on different 
occasions. For example: to drink a vast quantity, or, as the 
vulgar express it, to drink an ocean of liquor, was in Latin 
potare, and in Greek poteein; and, on the other hand, to use it 
moderately, was bibere, and peinin; that this was only a 
conjecture of his own, which, however, seemed to be 
supported by the word bibulous, which is particularly applied 
to the pores of the skin, that can only drink a very small 
quantity of the circumambient moisture, by reason of the 
smallness of their diameters; whereas, from the verb poteein is 
derived the substantive potamos, which signifies a river, or 
vast quantity of liquor. I could not help smiling at this learned 
and important investigation; and, to recommend myself the 
more to my new acquaintance, whose disposition I was by this 
time well informed of, I observed, that what he alleged did not, 
to the best of my remembrance, appear in the writings of the 
ancients: for Horace uses the words poto and bibo indifferently 
for the same purpose, as in the twentieth ode of his First Book:

Vile potabis modicis Sabinum cantharis, -
- et praelo domitam Caleno tu bibes uvam.

That I had never heard of the verb poteein, but that potomos, 
potema, and potos were derived from pino, poso, pepoka; in 
consequence of which the Greek poets never used any other 

word for festal drinking. Homer describes Nestor at his cups in 
these words:

Nestora d'ouk elathen iache pinonta per empes.

And Anacreon mentions it on the same occasion almost in 
every page:

Pinonti de oinon hedun.
Otan pino ton oinon.
Opliz' ego de pino.

And in a thousand other places. The doctor, who, doubtless, 
intended by his criticism to give me a high idea of his 
erudition, was infinitely surprised to find himself schooled by 
one of my appearance; and after a considerable pause, cried, 
'Upon my word! you are in the right, sir - I find I have not 
considered this affair with my usual accuracy.' Then accosting 
me in Latin, which he spoke very well, the conversation was 
maintained a full two hours, on a variety of subjects, in that 
language; and indeed, he spoke so judiciously, that I was 
convinced, notwithstanding his whimsical appearance, and 
attention to trifles, that he was a man of extensive knowledge, 
especially in books; he looked upon me, as I afterwards 
understood from Mr Medlar, as a prodigy in learning, and 
proposed that very night, if I was not engaged, to introduce me 
to several young gentlemen of fortune and fashion, with whom 
he had an appointment at the Bedford Coffee-house.


Chapter 46

I accepted his offer with pleasure, and we went thither in a 
hackney coach, where I saw a great number of gay figures 
fluttering about, most of whom spoke to the doctor with 
great familiarity. Among the rest stood a group of them 
round the fire, whom I immediately knew to be the very 
persons who had the night before, by their laughing, alarmed 
my suspicion of the lady who had put herself under my 
protection. They no sooner perceived me enter with Dr 
Wagtail, for that was my companion's name, than they 
tittered and whispered one to another; and I was not a 
little surprised to find that these were the gentlemen to 
whose acquaintance he designed to recommend me; for when he 
observed them together, he told me who they were, and 
desired to know by what name he should introduce me. I 
satisfied him in that particular, and he advanced with great 
gravity, saying, 'Gentlemen, your most obedient - give me 
leave to introduce my friend Mr Random to your society.' 
Then turning to me, 'Mr Random, this is Mr Bragwell - Mr 
Banter, sir - Mr Chatter - my friend Mr Slyboot, and Mr 
Ranter, sir.' I saluted each of them in order, and when I 
came to take Mr Slyboot by the hand, I perceived him to 
thrust his tongue in his cheek, to the no small 
entertainment of the company; but I did not think proper to 
take any notice of it on this occasion. Mr Ranter, too, who 
I afterwards learned was a player, displayed his talents, by 
mimicking my air, features, and voice, while he returned my 
compliment. This feat I should not have been so sensible of, 
had not I seen him behave in the same manner to my friend 
Wagtail, when he made up to them at first. But for once I 
let him enjoy the fruits of his dexterity without question 
or control, resolved, however, to chastise his insolence at 
a more convenient opportunity. Mr Slyboot, guessing I was a 
stranger, asked if I had been lately in France; and when I 
answered in the affirmative, inquired if I had seen the 
Luxembourg Gallery. I told him I had considered it more than 
once with great attention. Upon this, a conversation ensued, 
in which I discovered him to be a painter. While we were 
discoursing upon the particulars of this famous collection, 
I overhead Banter ask Dr Wagtail where he had picked up this 
Mr Random. To which question the physician answered, 'Upon 
my word, a mighty pretty sort of a gentleman - a man of 
fortune, sir - he has made the grand tour, and seen the best 
company in Europe, sir.' 'What, he told you so, I suppose?' 
said the other; 'I take him to be neither more nor less than 
a French valet de chambre.' 'Oh! barbarous, barbarous!' 
cried the doctor; 'this is actually, upon my word, 
altogether unaccountable. I know all his family perfectly 
well, sir; he is of the Randoms of the north - a very 
ancient house, sir, and a distant relation of mine.' I was 
extremely nettled at the conjecture of Mr Banter, and began 
to entertain a very indifferent opinion of my company in 
general; but as I might possibly, by their means, acquire a 
more extensive and agreeable acquaintance, I determined to 
bear these little mortifications as long as I could, without 
injuring the dignity of my character. After having talked 
for some time on the weather, plays, politics, and other 
coffee-house subjects, it was proposed that we should spend 
the evening at a noted tavern in the neighbourhood, whither 
we repaired in a body. Having taken possession of a room, 
called for French wine, and bespoke supper, the glass went 
about pretty freely, and the characters of my associates 
opened upon me more and more. It soon appeared that the 
doctor was entertained as a butt for the painter and player 
to exercise their wit upon, for the diversion of the 
company. Mr Ranter began the game by asking him what was 
good for a hoarseness, lowness of spirits, and indigestion, 
for he was troubled with all these complaints to a very 
great degree? Wagtail immediately undertook to explain the 
nature of his case, and in a very prolix manner harangued 
upon prognostics, diagnostics, symptomatics, therapeutics, 
inanition, and repletion; then calculated the force of the 
stomach and lungs in their respective operations; ascribed 
the player's malady to a disorder in these organs, 
proceeding from hard drinking and vociferation, and 
prescribed a course of stomachics, with abstinence from 
venery, wine, loud speaking, laughing, singing, coughing, 
sneezing, or hallooing. 'Pah, pah,' cried Ranter, 
interrupting him, 'the remedy is worse than the disease. I 
wish I knew where to find some tinder-water.' 'Tinderwater!' 
said the doctor; 'upon my word I don't apprehend you, Mr 
Ranter. "Water extracted from tinder,' replied the other, 
'an universal specific for all distempers incident to man. 
It was invented by a learned German monk, who, for a 
valuable consideration, imparted the secret to Paracelsus.' 
'Pardon me,' cried the painter, 'it was first used by 
Solomon, as appears by a Greek manuscript in his own 
handwriting, lately found at the foot of Mount Lebanon, by a 
peasant who was digging for potatoes.' 'Well,' said Wagtail, 
'in all my vast reading I never met with such a preparation! 
neither did I know, till this minute, that Solomon 
understood Greek, or that potatoes grew in Palestine.' Here 
Banter interposed, saying he was surprised that Doctor 
Wagtail should make the least doubt of Solomon's 
understanding Greek, when he is represented to us as the 
wisest and best-educated prince in the world; and as for 
potatoes, they were transplanted thither from Ireland, in 
the time of the Crusades, by some knights of that country. 
'I profess,' said the doctor, 'there is nothing more likely -
 I would actually give a vast sum for a sight of that 
manuscript, which must be inestimable - and if I understood 
the process, would set about it immediately.' The player 
assured him the process was very simple - that he must cram 
a hundredweight of dry tinder into a glass retort, and 
distilling it by the force of animal heat, it would yield 
half a scruple of insipid water, one drop of which is a full 
dose. 'Upon my integrity!' exclaimed the credulous doctor, 
'this is very amazing! and extraordinary! that a caput 
mortuum shall yield any water at all - I must own I have 
always been an enemy to specifics, which I thought 
inconsistent with the nature of the animal economy; but 
certainly the authority of Solomon is not to be questioned. 
I wonder where I shall find a glass retort large enough to 
contain such a vast quantity of tinder, the consumption of 
which must undoubtedly raise the price of paper - or where I 
shall find animal heat sufficient to warm such a mass.' 
Slyboot informed him that he might have a retort blown for 
him as big as a church; and that the easiest method of 
raising the vapour by animal heat, would be to place it in 
the middle of an infirmary for feverish patients, who might 
lie upon mattresses around, and in contact with it. He had 
no sooner pronounced these words, than Wagtail exclaimed, in 
a rapture, 'An admirable expedient, as I hope to be saved! I 
will positively put it in practice.' This simplicity of the 
physician furnished excellent diversion for the company, 
who, in their turns, sneered at him in ironical compliments, 
which his vanity swallowed as the genuine sentiments of 
their hearts. Mr Chatter, impatient of so long a silence, 
now broke out, and entertained us with a catalogue of all 
the people who danced at the last Hampstead assembly, with a 
most circumstantial account of the dress and ornaments of 
each, from the lappets of the ladies to the shoebuckles of 
the men; concluding with telling Bragwell that his mistress 
Melinda was there, and seemed to miss him; and soliciting 
his company at the next occasion of that kind. 'No, no, damn 
me,' said Bragwell, 'I have something else to mind than 
dangling after a parcel of giddy-headed girls; besides, you 
know my temper is so unruly, that I am apt to involve myself 
in scrapes, when a woman is concerned. The last time I was 
there I had an affair with Tom Trippet.' 'O! I remember 
that,' cried Banter; 'you lugged out before the ladies; and 
I commend you for so doing, because you had an opportunity 
of showing your manhood without running any risk.' 'Risk!' 
said the other, with a fierce countenance; 'damn my blood! I 
fear no risks. I ain't afraid of lugging out against any man 
that wears a head, damme! 'tis well known I have drawn blood 
more than once, and lost some too; but what does that 
signify?' The player begged this champion to employ him as 
his second the next time he intended to kill, for he wanted 
to see a man die of a stab, that he might know how to act 
such a part the more naturally on the stage. 'Die!' replied 
the hero; 'no, by God! I know better things than to incur 
the verdict of a Middlesex jury - I should look upon my 
fencing-master to be an ignorant son of a bitch, if he had 
not taught me to prick any part of my antagonist's body that 
I please to disable.' 'Oho!' cried Slyboot, 'if that be the 
case, I have a favour to ask. You must know I am employed to 
paint a Jesus on the cross; and my purpose is to represent 
him at that point of time when the spear is thrust into his 
side. Now, I should be glad if you would, in my presence, 
pink some impertinent fellow into convulsions, without 
endangering his life, that I may have an opportunity of 
taking a good clever agony from nature. The doctor will 
direct you where to enter, and how far to go; but pray let 
it be as near the left side as possible.' Wagtail, who took 
this proposal seriously, observed that it would be a very 
difficult matter to penetrate into the left side of the 
thorax without hurting the heart, and of consequence killing 
the patient; but he believed it was possible for a man of a 
very nice hand, and exact knowledge of anatomy, to wound the 
diaphragma somewhere about the skirts, which might induce a 
singultus, without being attended with death; that he was 
ready to demonstrate the insertion of that muscle to Mr 
Bragwell; but desired to have no concern with the 
experiment, which might essentially prejudice his 
reputation, in case of miscarriage. Bragwell was as much 
imposed upon by the painter's waggery as the doctor, and 
declined engaging in the affair, saying he had a very great 
regard for Mr Slyboot, but had laid it down as a maxim, 
never to fight except when his honour was engaged. A 
thousand jokes of this kind were uttered; the wine 
circulated; supper was served in; we ate heartily; returned 
to the bottle; Bragwell became noisy and troublesome; Banter 
grew more and more severe; Ranter rehearsed; Slyboot made 
faces at the whole company; I sung French catches, and 
Chatter kissed me with great affection; while the doctor, 
with a woeful countenance, sat silent, like a disciple of 
Pythagoras. At length it was proposed by Bragwell that we 
should scour the hundreds, sweat the constable, maul the 
watch, and then reel soberly to bed.
While we deliberated on this expedition, the waiter came 
into the room and asked for Doctor Wagtail; when he 
understood he was present, he told him there was a lady 
below to inquire for him; at which message the physician 
started from his melancholy contemplation, and, with a look 
of extreme confusion, assured the company he could not 
possibly be the person wanted, for he had no connection with 
any lady whatever, and bade the drawer tell her so. 'For 
shame!' cried Banter, 'would you be so impolite as to refuse 
a lady the hearing? perhaps she comes for a consultation. It 
must be some extraordinary affair that brings a lady to a 
tavern at this time o' night, Mr Ranter, pray do the 
doctor's baisemains to the lady, and squire her hither.' The 
player immediately staggered out, and returned, leading in, 
with much ceremony, a tall strapping wench, whose appearance 
proclaimed her occupation. We received her with the utmost 
solemnity, and with a good deal of entreaty she was 
persuaded to sit, when a profound silence ensued, during 
which she fixed her eyes, with a disconsolate look, on the 
doctor, who was utterly confounded at her behaviour, and 
returned her melancholy fourfold. At length, after a good 
many piteous sighs, she wiped her eyes, and accosted him 
thus: 'What! not one word of comfort? Will nothing soften 
that stony heart of thine? Not all my tears! not all my 
amiction! not the inevitable ruin thou hast brought upon me! 
Where are thy vows, thou faithless perjured man? Hast thou 
no honour - no conscience - no remorse for thy perfidious 
conduct towards me? - Answer me, wilt thou at last do me 
justice, or must I have recourse to heaven or hell for my 
revenge?' If poor Wagtail was amazed before she spoke, what 
must his confusion be on hearing this address! His natural 
paleness changed into a ghastly clay colour, his eyes 
rolled, his lips trembled, and he answered, in an accent not 
to be described, 'Upon my word, honour, and salvation! 
madam, you are actually mistaken in my person. I have a most 
particular veneration for your sex, and am actually 
incapable of injuring any lady in the smallest degree, madam 
- besides, madam, to the best of my recollection, I never 
had the honour of seeing you before, as I hope to be saved, 
madam!' 'How, traitor!' cried she, 'dost thou disown me 
then? - Mistaken! no, too well I know that fair bewitching 
face; too well I know the false enchanting tongue! - Alas! 
gentlemen, since the villain compels me, by his unkindness, 
to expose myself and him, know that this betrayer, under the 
specious pretence of honourable addresses, won my heart, 
and, taking advantage of his conquest, robbed me of my 
virgin treasure, and afterwards abandoned me to my fate! I 
am now four months gone with child by him, turned out of 
doors by my relations, and left a prey to misery and want! 
Yes, thou barbarian,' said she, turning to Wagtail, 'thou 
tiger, thou succubus! too well thou knowest my situation - 
but I will tear out thy faithless heart, and deliver the 
world from such a monster.' So saying, she sprung forward at 
the doctor, who with incredible agility jumped over the 
table, and ran behind Bragwell, while the rest of us 
endeavoured to appease the furious heroine. Although 
everybody in the company affected the utmost surprise, I 
could easily perceive it was a scheme concerted among them 
to produce diversion at the doctor's expense; and being 
under no concern about the consequence, I entered into the 
confederacy, and enjoyed the distress of Wagtail, who, with 
tears in his eyes, begged the protection of the company, 
declaring himself as innocent of the crime laid to his 
charge, as the foetus in utero; and hinting, at the same 
time, that nature had not put it into his power to be guilty 
of such a trespass. 'Nature!' cried the lady; 'there was no 
nature in the case - he abused me by the help of charms and 
spells; or else how is it possible that any woman could have 
listened to the addresses of such a scarecrow? Were these 
owlish eyes made for ogling; that carrion complexion to be 
admired; or that mouth like a horse-shoe to be kissed? No, 
no, you owe your success to your philtres, to your drugs and 
incantations; and not to your natural talents, which are in 
every respect mean and contemptible.' The doctor now thought 
he had got an opportunity of vindicating himself 
effectually; and desired the complainant to compose herself 
but for half an hour, in which he undertook to prove the 
absurdity of believing in the power of incantations, which 
were only idle dreams of ignorance and superstition. He 
accordingly pronounced a very learned discourse upon the 
nature of ideas, the power and independence of the mind, the 
properties of stimulating medicines, the difference between 
a proneness to venery, which many simples would create, and 
a passion limited to one object, which can only be the 
result of sense and reflection; and concluded with a 
pathetic remonstrance, setting forth his unhappiness in 
being persecuted with the resentment of a lady whom he had 
never injured, nor ever seen before that occasion, and whose 
faculties were, in all likelihood, so much impaired by her 
misfortunes, that an innocent person was in danger of being 
ruined by her disorder. He had no sooner finished his 
harangue than the forlorn princess renewed her lamentations, 
and cautioned the company against his eloquence, which, she 
said, was able to bias the most impartial bench in 
Christendom. Banter advised him to espouse her immediately, 
as the only means to salve his reputation, and offered to 
accompany him to the Fleet for that purpose; but Slyboot 
proposed that a father should be purchased for the child, 
and a comfortable alimony settled on the mother. Ranter 
promised to adopt the infant gratis. Wagtail was ready to 
worship him for his generosity; and, though he persisted in 
protesting his innocence, condescended to everything, rather 
than his unblemished character should be called in question. 
The lady rejected the proposal, and insisted on matrimony. 
Bragwell took up the cudgels for the doctor, and undertook 
to rid him of her importunity for half a guinea; upon which 
Wagtail, with great eagerness, pulled out his purse and put 
it into the hands of his friend, who, taking half a piece 
out of it, gave it to the plaintiff, and bade her thank God 
for her good fortune. When she had received this bounty, she 
affected to weep, and begged, since the physician had 
renounced her, he would at least vouchsafe her a parting 
kiss. This he was prevailed upon to grant, with great 
reluctance, and went up with his usual solemnity to salute 
her; when she laid hold of his cheek with her teeth and held 
fast, while he roared with anguish, to the unspeakable 
diversion of all present. When she thought proper to release 
him, she dropped a low curtsey to the company, and quitted 
the room, leaving the doctor in the utmost horror, not so 
much on account of the pain, as the apprehension of the 
consequence of the bite; for by this time he was convinced 
of her being mad. Banter prescribed the actual cautery, and 
put the poker in the fire to be heated, in order to sear the 
place. The player was of opinion that Bragwell should scoop 
out the part affected with the point of his sword; but the 
painter prevented both these dreadful operations by 
recommending a balsam he had in his pocket, which never 
failed to cure the bite of a mad dog. So saying, he pulled 
out a small bladder of black paint; with which he instantly 
anointed not only the sore, but the greatest part of the 
patient's face, and left it in a frightful condition. In 
short, the poor creature was so harassed with fear and 
vexation, that I pitied him extremely, and sent him home in 
a chair, contrary to the inclination of everybody present.
This freedom of mine gave umbrage to Bragwell, who testified 
his displeasure by swearing a few threats, without making 
any application; which being perceived by Slyboot, who sat 
by me, he, with a view of promoting a quarrel, whispered to 
me that he thought Bragwell used me very ill; but every man 
was the best judge of his own affairs. I answered aloud, 
that I would neither suffer Mr Bragwell nor him to use me 
ill with impunity, and that I stood in no need of his 
counsel in regard to the regulation of my conduct. He 
thought proper to ask a thousand pardons, and assured me he 
meant no offence; while Bragwell feigned himself asleep, 
that he might not be obliged to take notice of what passed. 
But the player, who had more animal spirits and less 
discretion than Slyboot, unwilling to let the affair rest 
where he had dropped it, jogged Mr Bragwell, and told him 
softly that I called him names, and threatened to cudgel 
him. This particular I understood by his starting, and 
crying, 'Blood and wounds! you lie! No man durst treat me so 
ignominiously - Mr Ransom, did you call me names, and 
threaten to drub me?' I denied the imputation, and proposed 
to punish the scoundrel who endeavoured to foment 
disturbance in the company. Bragwell signified his 
approbation, and drew his sword; I did the same, and 
accosted the actor in these words: 'Lookee, Mr Ranter, I 
know you possess all the mimicry and mischievous qualities 
of an ape, because I have observed you put them all in 
practice more than once tonight, on me and others; now I 
want to see if you resemble one in nimbleness also; 
therefore I desire you to leap over this sword without 
hesitation.' So saying, I held it parallel to the horizon, 
at the distance of about three feet from the floor, and 
called, 'Once - twice - thrice, and away'; but, instead of 
complying with my command, he snatched his hat and hanger, 
and assuming the looks, swagger, and phrase of Pistol, burst 
out into the following exclamation: 'Ha! must I then perform 
inglorious prank of sylvan ape in mountain forest caught! 
Death rock me asleep, abridge my doleful days, and lay my 
head in fury's lap. Have we not Hiren here?' This buffoonery 
did not answer his expectation, for by this time the company 
was bent on seeing him in a new character. Mr Banter desired 
me to hold my sword a foot or two higher, that he might have 
the better opportunity of exerting himself The painter told 
him, if he performed well, he would recommend him as a 
vaulter to the proprietors of Saddler's Wells; and Bragwell, 
crying 'Leap for the king', applied the point of the sword 
to the player's posteriors with such success, that he swung 
over in a trice, and, finding the door unguarded, vanished 
in a twinkling; glad, no doubt, of having paid his share of 
the reckoning so easily.
It being now near two o'clock in the morning, we discharged 
the bill, and sallied out into the street. The painter slunk 
away without taking his leave. Billy Chatter, being unable 
to speak or stand, was sent to a bagnio; and Banter and I 
accompanied Bragwell to Moll King's coffee-house, where, 
after he had kicked half a dozen hungry whores, we left him 
asleep on a bench, and directed our course towards Charing 
Cross, near which place both he and I lodged.
The natural dryness of my companion being overcome by 
liquor, he honoured me by the way with many compliments and 
professions of friendship, for which I made suitable 
acknowledgments, and told him I thought myself happy in 
having, by my behaviour, removed the unfavourable opinion he 
entertained of me at first sight. He was surprised at this 
declaration, and begged me to explain myself: upon which I 
mentioned what I had overheard him say of me to Wagtail in 
the coffee-house. He laughed, and made an apology for his 
freedom, assuring me that my appearance had very much 
prepossessed him in my favour; and what he said was only 
intended as a joke on the doctor's solemnity. I was highly 
pleased at being undeceived in this particular, and not a 
little proud of the good opinion of this wit, who shook me 
by the hand at parting, and promised to meet me next day at 
the ordinary.


Chapter 47

In the morning before I got up, Strap came into my chamber, 
and, finding me awake, hemmed several times, scratched his 
head, cast his eyes upon the ground, and, with a very 
foolish kind of simper upon his face, gave me to understand 
he had something to communicate. 'By your countenance,' said 
I, 'I expect good tidings.' 'Indifferent,' replied he, 
tittering; 'that is, hereafter, as it shall be. You must 
know I have some thoughts of altering my condition.' 'What!' 
cried I, astonished, 'a matrimonial scheme? O rare Strap! 
thou hast got the heels of me at last.' 'N' - no less, I 
assure you,' said he, bursting into a laugh of self-
approbation: 'a tallow-chandler's widow, that lives hard by, 
has taken a liking to me - a fine jolly dame, as plump as a 
partridge. She has a well-furnished house, a brisk trade, 
and a good deal of the ready. I may have her for the asking. 
She told a friend of mine, a brother footman, that she would 
take me out of a stinking clout. But I refused to give my 
final answer till I knew your opinion of the matter.' I 
congratulated Monsieur d'Estrapes upon his conquest, and 
approved of the scheme, provided he could be assured of 
those circumstances of her fortune; but advised him to do 
nothing rashly, and give me an opportunity of seeing the 
lady before matters should be brought to a conclusion. He 
assured me he would do nothing without my consent and 
approbation, and that very morning, while I was at 
breakfast, introduced his inamorata to my acquaintance. She 
was a short thick woman, about the age of thirty-six, and 
had a particular prominence of belly, which I perceived at 
first sight, not without some suspicion of foul play. I 
desired her, however, to sit, and treated her with a dish of 
tea; the discourse turned upon the good qualities of Strap, 
whom I represented as a prodigy of sobriety, industry, and 
virtue. - When she took her leave, he followed her to the 
door, and returned licking his lips, and asked if I did not 
think she was a luscious creature. I made no mystery of my 
apprehension, but declared my sentiments of her without 
reserve; at which he was not surprised, telling me he had 
observed the same symptom, but had been informed by his 
friend that she was only liver-grown, and would in a few 
months be as small in the waist as ever. 'Yes,' said I, 'a 
few weeks I believe will do the business. In short, Strap, 
it is my opinion that you are egregiously imposed upon; and 
that this friend is no other than a rascal who wants to palm 
his trull upon you for a wife, that he may at once deliver 
himself from the importunities of the mother, and the 
expense of her bantling; for which reason I would not have 
you trust implicitly to the report he makes of her wealth, 
which is inconsistent with his behaviour; nor run your head 
precipitately into a noose, that you may afterwards wish 
exchanged for the hangman's.' He seemed very much startled 
at my insinuation, and promised to look twice before he 
leaped; saying, with some heat, 'Odds, if I find his 
intention is to betray me, we shall see which of us is the 
better man.' My prediction was verified in less than a 
fortnight; her great belly was producing an infant, to the 
unspeakable amazement of Strap, who was, before this 
happened, inclinable to believe I had refined a little too 
much in my penetration. His false friend disappeared; and in 
a few days after an execution was issued against her goods 
and household furniture, which were seized by the creditors.
Meanwhile I met my friend Banter at the ordinary, and in the 
evening went to the opera with him and Mr Chatter, who 
pointed out Melinda in one of the boxes, and offered to 
introduce me to her, observing at the same time, that she 
was a reigning toast worth ten thousand pounds. This piece 
of information made my heart bound with joy, and I 
discovered great eagerness to accept the proposal; upon 
which he assured me I should dance with her at the next 
assembly, if he had any influence in that quarter. So 
saying, he went round, spoke to her some minutes, and, as I 
imagined, pointed at me; then returning, told me, to my 
inexpressible pleasure, that I might depend upon what he had 
promised, for she was now engaged as my partner. Banter, in 
a whisper, gave me to understand that she was an 
incorrigible coquette, who would grant the same favour to 
any young fellow in England of a tolerable appearance, 
merely to engage him among the herd of her admirers, that 
she might have the pleasure of seeing them daily increase; 
that she was of a cold insensible disposition, dead to every 
passion but vanity, and so blind to merit, that he would lay 
any wager the wealthiest fool should carry her at last. I 
attributed a good deal of this intelligence to the satirical 
turn of my friend, or resentment for having himself suffered 
a rebuff from the lady in question; and, at any rate, 
trusted so much to my own accomplishments, as to believe no 
woman could resist the ardour of my addresses.
Full of this confidence I repaired to Hampstead, in company 
with Billy Chatter, my Lord Hobble, and Doctor Wagtail. 
There I saw a very brilliant assembly, before whom I had the 
honour to walk a minuet with Melinda, who charmed me with 
her frank manner and easiness of behaviour. Before the 
country dances began, I received a message, by a person I 
did not know, from Bragwell, who was present, importing that 
nobody who knew him presumed to dance with Melinda while he 
was there in person; and that I would do well to relinquish 
her without noise, because he had a mind to lead up a 
country dance with her. This extraordinary intimation, which 
was delivered in the lady's hearing, did not at all 
discompose me, who by this time was pretty well acquainted 
with the character of my rival. I therefore, without the 
least symptom of concern, bade the gentleman tell Mr 
Bragwell that, since I was so happy as to obtain the lady's 
consent, I should not be solicitous about his; and desired 
the bearer himself to bring me no such impertinent message 
for the future. Melinda affected a sort of confusion, and 
pretended to wonder that Mr Bragwell should give himself 
such liberties with regard to her, who had no manner of 
connection with the fellow. I laid hold of this opportunity 
to display my valour, and offered to call him to account for 
his insolence, a proposal which she absolutely refused under 
pretence of consulting my safety; though I could perceive by 
the sparkling of her eyes, that she would not have thought 
herself affronted in being the subject of a duel. I was by 
no means pleased with this discovery of her thoughts, which 
not only argued the most unjustifiable vanity, but likewise 
the most barbarous indifference; however, I was allured by 
her fortune, and resolved to gratify her pride, in making 
her the occasion of a public quarrel between me and 
Bragwell, who, I was pretty certain, would never drive 
matters to a dangerous extremity.
While we danced together, I observed this formidable rival 
at one end of the room, encircled with a cluster of beaux, 
to whom he talked with great vehemence, casting many big 
looks at me from time to time: I guessed the subject of his 
discourse, and as soon as I had handed my partner to her 
seat, strutted up to the place where he stood, and cocking 
my hat in his face, demanded aloud if he had anything to say 
to me. He answered with a sullen tone, 'Nothing at present, 
sir'; and turned about upon his heel. 'Well,' said I, 'you 
know where I am to be found at any time.' His companions 
stared at one another, and I returned to the lady, whose 
features brightened at my approach, and immediately a 
whisper ran through the whole room; after which so many eyes 
were turned upon me, that I was ready to sink with 
confusion. When the ball broke up, I led her to her coach, 
and, like a true French gallant, would have got up behind 
it, in order to protect her from violence on the road; but 
she absolutely refused my offer, and expressed her concern 
that there was not an empty seat for me within the vehicle.
Next day in the afternoon, I waited on her at her lodgings, 
by permission, in company with Chatter, and was very civilly 
received by her mother, with whom she lived; there were a 
good many fashionable people present, chiefly young fellows, 
and immediately after tea, a couple of card tables were set, 
at one of which I had the honour to play with Melinda, who, 
in less than three hours, made shift to plunder me of eight 
guineas. I was well enough content to lose a little money 
with a good grace, that I might have an opportunity in the 
meantime to say soft things, which are still most welcome 
when attended with good luck; but I was by no means 
satisfied of her fair play, a circumstance that shocked me 
not a little, and greatly impaired my opinion of her 
disinterestedness and delicacy. However, I was resolved to 
profit by this behaviour, and treat her in my turn with less 
ceremony; accordingly, I laid close siege to her, and 
finding her not at all disgusted with the gross incense I 
offered, that very night made a declaration of love in plain 
terms. She received my addresses with great gaiety, and 
pretended to laugh them off; but, at the same time, treated 
me with such particular complacency, that I was persuaded I 
had made a conquest of her heart, and concluded myself the 
happiest man alive. Elevated with these flattering ideas, I 
sat down again to cards after supper, and with great 
cheerfulness suffered myself to be cheated of ten guineas 
more.
It was late before I took my leave, after being favoured 
with a general invitation; and when I got into bed, the 
adventures of the day hindered me from sleeping. Sometimes I 
pleased myself with the hopes of possessing a fine woman 
with ten thousand pounds; then I would ruminate on the 
character I had heard of her from Banter, and compare it 
with the circumstances of her conduct towards me, which 
seemed to bear too great a resemblance to the picture he had 
drawn. This introduced a melancholy reflection on the 
expense I had undergone, and the smallness of my funds to 
support it, which, by the bye, were none of my own. In 
short, I found myself involved in doubts and perplexities, 
that kept me awake the greatest part of the night.
In the morning, Strap, with whom I had not conversed for two 
days, presented himself with the utensils for shaving me; 
upon which, I asked his opinion of the lady whom he had seen 
me conduct to her coach at Hampstead. 'Odd! she's a 
delicious creature,' cried he, 'and, as I am informed, a 
great fortune. I am sorry you did not insist on going home 
with her. I dare say she would not have refused your 
company; for she seems to be a good-humoured soul.' 'There's 
a time for all things,' said I. 'You must know, Strap, I was 
in company with her till one o'clock this morning.' I had no 
sooner pronounced these words than he began to caper about 
the room, and snap his fingers, crying, in a transport, 'The 
day's our own! - the day's our own!' I gave him to 
understand that his triumph was a little premature, and that 
I had more difficulties to surmount than he was aware of. 
Then I recounted to him the intelligence I had received from 
Banter, at which he changed colour, shook his head, and 
observed there was no faith in woman. I told him I was 
resolved to make a bold push notwithstanding, although I 
foresaw it would lead me into a great expense; and bade him 
guess the sum I had lost last night at cards. He scratched 
his chin, and protested his abhorrence of cards, the very 
name of which being mentioned, made him sweat with vexation, 
as it recalled the money-dropper to his remembrance: 'But, 
however,' said he, 'you have to do with other guess people 
now. Why, I suppose, if you had a bad run last night, you 
would scarce come off for less than ten or twelve 
shillings.' I was mortified at this piece of simplicity, 
which I imagined, at that time, as all affected, by way of 
reprimand for my folly; and asked with some heat, if he 
thought I spent the evening in a cellar with chairmen and 
bunters; giving him to know at the same time that my expense 
had amounted to eighteen guineas. It would require the 
pencil of Hogarth to express the astonishment and concern of 
Strap on hearing this piece of news. The bason in which he 
was preparing the lather for my chin, dropped out of his 
hands, and he remained some time immovable in that ludicrous 
attitude, with his mouth open, and his eyes thrust forward 
considerably beyond their station; but remembering my 
disposition, which was touchy and impatient of control, he 
smothered his chagrin, and attempted to recollect himself. 
With this view, he endeavoured to laugh, but, in spite of 
his teeth, broke into a whimper, took up his wash-ball and 
pewter pot, scrubbed my beard with the one, and discharged 
the other upon my face. I took no notice of his confusion, 
but after he had fully recovered himself, put him in mind of 
his right, and assured him of my readiness to surrender his 
effects whenever he should think proper to demand them. He 
was nettled at my insinuation, which he thought proceeded 
from my distrust of his friendship; and begged I would never 
talk to him in that strain again, unless I had a mind to 
break his heart.
This good creature's unalterable friendship for me, affected 
me with the most grateful sentiments, and acted as a spur to 
my resolution of acquiring a fortune, that I might have it 
in my power to manifest my generosity in my return. For this 
purpose I determined to bring matters to a speedy conclusion 
with Melinda; well knowing that a few such nights as the 
last would effectually incapacitate me from prosecuting that 
or any other advantageous amour.
While my meditation was busied in planning out my future 
conduct, Mr Banter favoured me with a visit; and, after 
breakfast, asked how I had passed the preceding evening. I 
answered, I was very agreeably entertained at a private 
house. 'Yes,' said he, with a sarcastic smile, 'you deserved 
something extraordinary for the price you paid.' I was 
surprised at this remark, and pretended ignorance of his 
meaning. 'Come, come, Random,' continued he, 'you need not 
make a mystery of it to me, the whole town has it. I wish 
that foolish affair between you and Bragwell at Hampstead 
had been less public. It has set all the busybodies at work 
to find out your real character and situation; and you 
cannot imagine what conjectures have already circulated at 
your expense. One suspects you to be a Jesuit in disguise; 
another thinks you are an agent from the Pretender; a third 
believes you to be an upstart gamester, because nobody knows 
anything of your family or fortune; a fourth is of opinion 
that you are an Irish fortune hunter.' This last hypothesis 
touched me so nearly, that, to conceal my confusion, I was 
fain to interrupt his detail, and damn the world for an 
envious meddling community, that would not suffer a 
gentleman to live without molestation. He took no notice of 
this apostrophe, but went on, 'For my own part, I neither 
know, nor desire to know, who or what you are; this I am 
certain of, that few people make a mystery of their origin 
or situation, who can boast of anything advantageous in 
either; and my own opinion of the matter is, that you have 
raised yourself by your industry from nothing to the 
appearance you now maintain, and which you endeavour to 
support by some matrimonial scheme.' Here he fixed his eyes 
steadfastly upon me, and perceiving my face covered with 
blushes, told me, now he was confirmed in his opinion - 
'Look ye, Random,' said he, 'I have divined your plan, and 
am confident it will never succeed. You are too honest, and 
too ignorant of the town, to practise the necessary cheats 
of your profession, and detect the conspiracies that will be 
formed against you. Besides, you are downright bashful - 
what the devil! set up for a fortune hunter before you have 
conquered the sense of shame! Perhaps you are entitled by 
your merit, and I believe you are, to a richer and better 
wife than Melinda; but, take my word for it, she is not to 
be won at that rate; or, if you are so lucky as to carry 
her, between you and me, you may say as Teague did, By my 
soul, I have gained a loss! She would take care to spend her 
fortune in a twinkling, and soon make you sick of her 
extravagance.' I was alarmed by his discourse, while I 
resented the freedom of it, and expressed my disgust, by 
telling him he was mistaken in my intentions, and desiring 
he would give me leave to regulate my conduct according to 
the dictates of my own reason. He made an apology for the 
liberty he had taken and ascribed it to the warmth of his 
friendship for me; as an uncommon instance of which, he 
borrowed five guineas, assuring me there were very few 
people in the world whom he would so far favour with his 
confidence. I gave him the money, and professed myself so 
well convinced of his sincerity, that he had no occasion to 
put it to such extraordinary proofs for the future. 'I 
thought,' said he, 'to have asked five pieces more, but 
hearing you was bubbled of eighteen last night, I presumed 
you might be out of cash, and resolved to model my demand 
accordingly.' I could not help admiring the cavalier 
behaviour of this spark, of whom I desired to know his 
reason for saying I was bubbled. He then gave me to 
understand, that, before he came to my lodgings, he had beat 
up Tom Tossle, who, having been present, informed him of the 
particulars, rehearsed all the fine things I said to 
Melinda, with which he proposes to entertain the town; and, 
among other circumstances, assured him, my mistress cheated 
with so little art, that nobody but a mere novice could have 
been imposed upon.
The thoughts of becoming a subject of raillery for coxcombs, 
and losing my money to boot, stung me to the quick; but I 
made a virtue of my indignation, and swore that no man 
should, with impunity, either asperse the character of 
Melinda, or turn my behaviour into ridicule. He replied, in 
a dry manner, that I would find it an Herculean task to 
chastise everybody who would laugh at my expense; and as for 
the character of Melinda, he did not see how it could suffer 
by what was laid to her charge; for that cheating at cards, 
far from being reckoned a blemish among people of fashion, 
was looked upon as an honourable indication of superior 
genius and address. 'But let us waive this subject,' said 
he, 'and go to the coffee-house, in order to make a party 
for dinner.'


Chapter 48

Being as willing to drop the theme, as he to propose it, I 
accompanied him thither, where we found Mr Medlar and Dr 
Wagtail disputing upon the word Custard, which the physician 
affirmed should be spelled with a G, because it was derived 
from the Latin verb gustare, 'to taste'. But Medlar pleaded 
custom in behalf of C, observing that, by the doctor's rule, 
we ought to change pudding into budding, because it is 
derived from the French word Boudin: and in that case why 
not retain the original orthography and pronunciation of all 
the foreign words we have adopted; by which means our 
language would become a dissonant jargon, without standard 
or propriety. The controversy was referred to us; and 
Banter, notwithstanding his real opinion to the contrary, 
decided it in favour of Wagtail: upon which the peevish 
annuitant arose, and uttering the monosyllable 'Pish!' with 
great emphasis, removed to another table.
We then inquired of the doctor what progress he had made in 
the experiment of distilling tinder-water; and he told us he 
had been at all the glass-houses about town, but could find 
nobody who would undertake to blow a retort large enough to 
hold the third part of the quantity prescribed; but he 
intended to try the process on as much as would produce five 
drops, which would be sufficient to prove the specific, and 
then he would make it a parliamentary affair; that he had 
already purchased a considerable weight of rags, in reducing 
which to tinder he had met with a misfortune, which had 
obliged him to change his lodgings; for he had gathered them 
in a heap on the floor and set fire to them with a candle, 
on the supposition that the boards would sustain no damage, 
because it is the nature of flame to ascend; but by some 
very extraordinary accident, the wood was invaded, and began 
to blaze with great violence, which disordered him so much, 
that he had not presence of mind enough to call for 
assistance, and the whole house must have been consumed, 
with him in the midst of it, had not the smoke that rolled 
out of the windows in clouds, alarmed the neighbourhood, and 
brought people to his succour. That he had lost a pair of 
black velvet breeches and a tie-wig in the hurry, besides 
the expense of the rags, which were rendered useless by the 
water used to quench the flame, and the damage of the floor, 
which he was compelled to repair. That his landlord, 
believing him distracted, had insisted on his quitting his 
apartment at a minute's warning, and he was put to 
incredible inconvenience; but now he was settled in a very 
comfortable house, and had the use of a large paved yard for 
preparing his tinder: so that he hoped in a very short time 
to reap the fruits of his labour. After having congratulated 
the doctor on his prospect, and read the papers, we repaired 
to an auction of pictures, where we entertained ourselves an 
hour or two. From thence we adjourned to the Mall, and after 
two or three turns went back to dinner, Banter assuring us 
that he intended to roast Medlar at the ordinary; and, 
indeed, we were no sooner set than this Cynic began to 
execute his purpose, by telling the old gentleman that he 
looked extremely well, considering the little sleep he had 
enjoyed last night. To this compliment Medlar made no reply 
but by a stare, accompanied with a significant grin; - and 
Banter went on thus: 'I don't know whether most to admire, 
the charity of your mind, or the vigour of your body. Upon 
my soul, Mr Medlar, you do generous things with the best 
taste of any man I know: you extend your compassion to real 
objects, and exact only such returns as they are capable of 
making. You must know, gentlemen,' said he, turning to the 
company, 'I had been up most part of the night with a friend 
who is ill of a fever, and on my return home this morning 
chanced to pass by a gin shop still open, whence issued a 
confused sound of mirth and jollity: upon which I popped in 
my head, and perceived Mr Medlar dancing bare-headed in the 
midst of ten or twenty ragged bunters, who rejoiced at his 
expense. But indeed, Mr Medlar, you ought not to sacrifice 
your constitution to your benevolence. Consider you grow old 
apace; and therefore have a reverend care of your health, 
which must certainly be very much impaired by these 
nocturnal expeditions.' The testy senior could no longer 
contain himself, but cried hastily, "Tis well known that 
your tongue is no slander.' 'I think,' said the other, 'you 
might spare that observation, as you are very sensible that 
my tongue has done you signal service on many occasions. You 
may remember that when you made your addresses to the fat 
widow, who kept a public-house at Islington, there was a 
report spread very much to the prejudice of your manhood, 
which coming to the ears of your mistress, you was discarded 
immediately, and I brought matters to a reconciliation, by 
assuring her you had three bastards at nurse in the country: 
how you ruined your own affair afterwards, it is neither my 
business nor inclination to relate.' This anecdote, which 
had no other foundation than in Banter's own invention, 
afforded a good deal of mirth to everybody present, and 
provoked Mr Medlar beyond all sufferance; so that he started 
up in a mighty passion, and, forgetting that his mouth was 
full, bespattered those who sat next to him, while he 
discharged his indignation in a volley of oaths, and called 
Banter insignificant puppy, impertinent jackanapes, and an 
hundred such appellations; telling the company he had 
invented these false malicious aspersions, because he would 
not lend him money to squander away among rooks and whores. 
'A very likely story,' said Banter, 'that I should attempt 
to borrow money of a man who is obliged to practise a 
thousand shifts to make his weekly allowance hold out till 
Saturday night. Sometimes he sleeps four and twenty hours at 
a stretch, by which means he saves three meals, besides 
coffee-house expense. Sometimes he is fain to put up with 
bread and cheese and small beer for dinner; and sometimes he 
regales on two pennyworth of ox-cheek in a cellar.' 'You are 
a lying miscreant,' cried Medlar, in an ecstasy of rage, 'I 
can always command money enough to pay your tailor's bill, 
which I am sure is no trifle; and I have a good mind to give 
you a convincing proof of my circumstances, by prosecuting 
you for defamation, sirrah.' By this time the violence of 
his wrath had deprived him of his appetite, and he sat 
silent, unable to swallow one mouthful, while his tormentor 
enjoyed his mortification and increased his chagrin by 
advising him to lay in plentifully for his next day's fast.
Dinner being ended, we came downstairs to the coffee-room, 
and Banter went away to keep an appointment, saying, he 
supposed he should see Wagtail and me in the evening at the 
Bedford coffee-house. He was no sooner gone, than the old 
gentleman took me aside and said, he was sorry to see me so 
intimate with that fellow, who was one of the most graceless 
rakes about town, and had already wasted a good estate and 
constitution upon harlots; that he had been the ruin of many 
a young man, by introducing them into debauched company, and 
setting a lewd example of all manner of wickedness; and 
that, unless I was on my guard, he would strip me in a short 
time both of my money and reputation. I thanked him for his 
information, and promised to conduct myself accordingly, 
wishing, however, his caution had been a few hours more 
early, by which means I might have saved five guineas. 
Notwithstanding this intelligence, I was inclinable to 
impute some part of the charge to Medlar's revenge for the 
liberties taken with him at dinner; and, therefore, as soon 
as I could disengage myself, applied to Wagtail for his 
opinion of the character in question; resolved to compare 
their accounts, allowing for the prejudice of each, and to 
form my judgement upon both, without adhering strictly to 
either. The doctor assured me that he was a very pretty 
gentleman of family and fortune; a scholar, a wit, a critic, 
and perfectly well acquainted with the town; that his honour 
and courage were unquestionable, though some extravagances 
he had been guilty of, and his talents for satire, had 
procured him enemies, and made some people shy of his 
acquaintance. From these different sketches, I concluded 
that Banter was a young fellow of some parts, who had spent 
his fortune, but retained his appetites, and fallen out with 
the world, because he could not enjoy it to his wish.
I went to the Bedford coffee-house in the evening, where I 
met my friends, from thence proceeded to the play, and 
afterwards carried them home to my lodgings, where we supped 
in great good humour.


Chapter 49

When I was ready to go abroad next day, Strap brought me a 
letter, To Mr Random, Esq. These - Which, upon opening, I 
found contained a challenge, conceived in these very 
extraordinary terms:

"SIR - Whereas I am informed that you make love to Miss 
Melinda Goosetrap - This is to let you know that she is 
under promise of marriage to me; and that I am at this 
present waiting at the back of Montague House, with a pair 
of good pistols in my hand; and if you will keep your 
appointment, I will make your tongue confess (after the 
breath is out of your body) that you do not deserve her so 
well as
"Yours, etc.
"ROURK OREGAN."

I guessed from the style and subscription of this billet 
that my rival was a true Milesian, and was not a little 
uneasy at the contents, especially that part in which he 
asserted his right to my mistress by promise, a circumstance 
I did not know how to reconcile to her good sense and 
penetration. However, this was no time for me to decline the 
defiance, because the success of my addresses might in a 
great measure depend upon my behaviour in that affair. I 
therefore immediately loaded my pistols, and betook myself 
in a hackney coach to the place appointed, where I found a 
tall, raw-boned man, with a hard-featured countenance, and 
black bushy beard, walking by himself, wrapped up in a 
shabby great-coat, over which his own hair descended in a 
leathern queue from his head, that was covered with a greasy 
hat trimmed with a tarnished point d'Espagne. He no sooner 
perceived me advancing, than he pulled a pistol from his 
bosom, and presenting it at me, snapped it without the least 
preamble. Alarmed at this rude salutation, I made a stand; 
and before he could adjust his other piece, fired one of 
mine at him, without doing any damage. By this time he was 
ready with his second, that flashed in the pan without going 
off. Upon which he called, with a true Tipperary cadence, 
'Fire away, honey' - and began to hammer his flint with 
great deliberation. But I was resolved to make use of the 
advantage fortune had given me; and therefore stepped up, 
without throwing away my fire, desiring him to ask his life, 
or prepare for another world; but this stout Hibernian 
refused to condescend, and complained bitterly of my having 
quitted my ground before he could return my shot; saying I 
ought to go back to my station, and let him have an equal 
chance with me. I endeavoured to persuade him that I had 
given him a double chance already; and it was my business to 
prevent him from enjoying a third; - but now, since I had an 
opportunity, I demanded a parley, and desired to know his 
condition, and reason for calling me to the field, who, to 
the best of my remembrance, far from having done him an 
injury, had never before seen him. He told me that he was a 
gentleman of fortune, who had spent all he had, and hearing 
that Melinda had got ten thousand pounds, he intended to 
make himself master of that sum by espousing her, and was 
determined, in an honourable way, to cut the throats of all 
those who stood between him and his hopes. I then demanded 
to know the foundation of his hopes; and, now that I had 
seen him, being more and more astonished at the circumstance 
of the promise, desired that he would explain that mystery. 
He gave me to understand that he trusted entirely to his 
birth and personal merit; that he had frequently written to 
Melinda, setting forth his claim and pretensions, but she 
was never kind enough to send an answer, or even to admit 
him into her presence; and that the promise he mentioned in 
his letter was made by his friend Mr Gahagan who assured him 
that no woman could resist a man of his appearance. I could 
not forbear laughing to excess at the simplicity of my 
rival, who did not seem to relish my mirth, but began to be 
very serious. Upon which I endeavoured to appease him by 
giving him my word and honour, that, far from prejudicing 
his addresses to the lady, I would represent him to her in 
the most favourable light I could with any regard to truth; 
but he must not be surprised if she should remain blind to 
his deserts, for nothing was more capricious than a woman's 
mind, and the affection of that sex was seldom purchased 
with virtue alone. That my declaration might have the better 
effect, I took notice of his dishabille, and professing 
sorrow at seeing a gentleman reduced, slipped two guineas 
into his hand; at sight of which he threw away his pistols, 
and, hugging me in his arms, cried, 'Arrah, by Jesus now, 
you are the best friend I have met with these seven long 
years.' When I had suffered some minutes in his embrace, he 
quitted me, and picking up his rusty arms, wished the devil 
might burn him if he should give me any further trouble 
about womankind.
The quarrel being thus amicably composed, I begged leave to 
look at his pistols, which I found so crazy and so foul, 
that I believe it was happy for him neither of them was 
discharged, for one of them would certainly have split in 
the going off, and he would, in all probability, have lost 
his hand in the explosion; but what gave me a lively idea of 
the man's character was to find, upon examination, that one 
of them had been loaded without being primed, and the other 
primed without a charge.
While we walked home together, I expressed a desire of 
knowing my friend's history; and he informed me of his 
having served in the German army as a volunteer against the 
Turks; that, for his behaviour at the siege of Belgrade, he 
had been honoured with an ensign's commission, and 
afterwards promoted to the rank of lieutenant, in which 
station it was his misfortune to affront his captain, who 
challenged him to the field, and was killed in the duel, 
upon which he was obliged to retreat - that he had been in 
England some years soliciting his friends for provision in 
the British army; but being hitherto unsuccessful, was 
desired by Mr Gahagan to turn his thoughts to matrimony, and 
make his fortune by an advantageous match; in consequence of 
which advice, he had made up to Melinda, and having heard, 
by means of an Irish footman in the family, that I was her 
chief favourite, had called me out, in hopes of removing by 
my death the greatest obstruction to his desires; but now he 
was convinced of my honour and generosity, he swore by the 
Blessed Virgin, he would think of her no more, if there was 
not another woman in the world. As a further proof of his 
veracity, which I did not at all doubt, he opened an old 
iron snuff-box, and pulled out his commission in the 
Imperial army, and his captain's challenge, which he 
preserved as testimonials of his character. I was so well 
convinced of this poor man's honesty and courage, that I 
determined to speak in his behalf to some of my 
acquaintance, who might recommend his case to the 
consideration of those who could provide for him; and in the 
meantime to accommodate him with a few clothes, by which his 
appearance would be much mended, and himself enabled to 
renew his solicitations in person.
As we walked along, conversing socially together, we were 
met by a file of musketeers; and Strap at their head, who no 
sooner approached, than, with a frantic look, he cried, 
'Seize them! - in the name of God! seize them.' - We were 
accordingly surrounded, and put in arrest by the corporal, 
who was commanding officer; but Captain Oregan disengaged 
himself and ran with such speed towards Tottenham Court 
Road, that he was out of sight in a moment. When my arms 
were delivered up, and myself secured, Strap became a little 
more composed, and asked pardon for the liberty he had 
taken, which he hoped I would excuse, as it proceeded from 
his affection. He then told me, that, suspecting the letter 
(which by the bye was brought by the author himself) 
contained something extraordinary, he had peeped through the 
keyhole, and seen me load my pistols; upon which he ran down 
to Whitehall, and applied to the officer on guard for a 
party to put me in arrest; but before he returned, I was 
gone in a coach; that he had inquired which way I went, and 
having heard that duels were commonly fought at the back of 
Montague House, he conducted the guard to this place, where 
he thanked God for having found me safe and sound. I gave 
him to understand that I forgave his officious concern for 
once, but cautioned him in pretty severe terms of making me 
the subject of idle conversation for the future; then, 
turning to the corporal, thanked him for his care, and gave 
him a crown to drink with his men, assuring him that the 
rencontre was over long before he came up, and everything 
compromised, as he might observe by our behaviour; as a 
further proof of which he would find, upon examination, that 
one of my pistols had been discharged - but this civil 
person, without giving himself or me any further trouble, 
received the bounty with a thousand bows and 
acknowledgements, and returning the pistols, released me 
immediately. He was not gone a hundred yards, when my friend 
Oregan came up, in order to rescue me, with two 
tatterdemalions whom he had engaged for that purpose about 
the purlieus of St Giles's: one of them was armed with a 
musket that wanted a lock, and another with a rusty 
broadsword; but their dress surpassed all description. When 
he understood I was already free, he made an apology for his 
abrupt departure, and introduced me to his two companions: 
first, to counsellor Fitzclabber, who, he told me, was then 
employed in compiling a history of the kings of Munster, 
from Irish manuscripts; and then to his friend Mr Gahagan, 
who was a profound philosopher and politician, and had 
projected many excellent schemes for the good of his 
country. But it seems these literati had been very ill 
rewarded for their ingenious labours; for between them both 
there was but one shirt and a half-pair of breeches. I 
thanked them very kindly for their readiness to assist me, 
and having offered my service in my turn, bade them good 
morrow, desiring Oregan to accompany me to my lodgings, 
where he was fitted with decent clothes from my wardrobe, so 
much to his satisfaction, that he swore eternal gratitude 
and friendship for me, and, at my request, recounted all the 
adventures of his life.
In the afternoon I waited on Melinda, who received me with 
great kindness and familiarity, and laughed excessively at 
my adventure with the Irishman, to whose wishes she was no 
stranger, having more than a dozen letters in her 
possession, which he had wrote to her on the subject of 
love, and which, for my entertainment, she submitted to my 
perusal. Having made ourselves merry at the expense of this 
poor admirer, I seized the opportunity of her mother's going 
out of the room, and introduced my own passion, which I 
recommended to her with all the ardour and eloquence I was 
master of. I flattered, sighed, and swore, entreated, and 
acted a thousand extravagances, in hopes of making some 
impression on her heart; but she heard everything I said 
without discovering the least emotion; and other company 
came in before she would vouchsafe one serious reply. After 
tea, the cards were brought in, according to custom, and it 
was my good fortune to have Melinda for my partner; by which 
means, instead of losing, I came off with five guineas clear 
gain.
I soon became acquainted with a good many people of fashion, 
and spent my time in the modish diversion of the town, such 
as plays, operas, masquerades, drums, assemblies, and puppet-
shows; chiefly in company with Melinda, whom I cultivated 
with all the eagerness and address that my prospect could 
inspire, and my education afford; I spared neither my person 
nor my purse to gratify her vanity and pride; my rivals were 
intimidated, and indeed outshone; and, after all, I began to 
fear that the dear creature had not a heart to lose. At 
last, finding myself unable to support the expense of this 
amour much longer, I was determined to bring the matter to a 
crisis; and one evening, while we were together by 
ourselves, complained of her indifference, described the 
tortures of suspense to a lovesick mind, and pressed her to 
disclose her sentiments of matrimony and me, with such 
earnestness, that she could not, with all her art, shift the 
subject, but was obliged to come to an eclaircissement. She 
told me with a careless air, that she had no objection to my 
person, and, if I could satisfy her mother in other 
particulars, I should not find her averse to the match; but 
she was resolved to do nothing in such a momentous concern 
without the advice and consent of her parent. This was no 
very agreeable declaration to me, whose aim had been to win 
her inclination first, and then secure my conquest by 
private marriage, to which I flattered myself she would 
express no reluctance. That I might not, however, desert my 
cause before it was desperate, I waited on her mother, and 
with great formality demanded the daughter in marriage. The 
good lady, who was a very notable woman, behaved with great 
state and civility; thanked me for the honour I intended her 
family; and said, that she did not doubt that I was in all 
respects qualified to make a woman happy; but it concerned 
her, as a parent anxious about the welfare of her child, to 
inquire into the particulars of my fortune, and know what 
settlement I proposed to make. To this intimation, which 
would have utterly disconcerted me if I had not expected it, 
I replied, without hesitation, that, though my fortune was 
very small, I was a gentleman by birth and education, would 
maintain her daughter in the sphere of a gentlewoman, and 
settle her own dowry on her and her heirs for ever. This 
careful matron did not seem to relish my proposal, but 
observed, with a demure countenance, that there was no 
necessity for settling that upon her child which was her own 
already: however, if I pleased, her lawyer should confer 
with mine upon the matter; and, in the meantime, she desired 
I would favour her with the perusal of my rent-roll. 
Notwithstanding the vexation I was under, I could scarce 
forbear laughing in her face, at the mention of my rent-
roll, which was, indeed, a severe piece of satire on my 
pretensions. I frankly owned I had no landed estate; and 
told her that I could not exactly specify the sum I was 
master of, until I had regulated my affairs, which were at 
present in some disorder; but that I would take an 
opportunity of satisfying her upon that head very soon.
It was not long before I took my leave, and returned to my 
lodgings in a very melancholy mood, persuaded that I had 
nothing more to expect from that quarter. I was confirmed in 
this opinion next day, when I went back with a view of 
explaining myself more fully to the old gentlewoman; and was 
told by the footman that his ladies were not at home, 
although I had seen Melinda through the blinds at the 
parlour window as I went up to the door. Incensed at this 
affront, I quitted the door, without saying one word, and as 
I repassed the parlour, bowed to Miss, who still remained in 
the same situation, securely screened, as she thought, from 
view.
This disappointment gave me more uneasiness on Strap's 
account than my own; for I was in no danger of dying for 
love of Melinda; on the contrary, the remembrance of my 
charming Narcissa was a continual check upon my conscience, 
during the whole course of my addresses; and perhaps 
contributed to the bad success of my scheme, by controlling 
my raptures, and condemning my design.
There was a necessity for informing my companion of 
everything that happened to me, and I performed this piece 
of duty in an affected passion, swearing I would be his 
packhorse no longer, and desiring him to take the management 
of his affairs into his own hands. This finesse had the 
desired effect; for, instead of grumbling over my 
miscarriage, Strap was frightened at the passion I feigned, 
and begged me, for the love of God, to be appeased; 
observing, that, although we had suffered a great loss, it 
was not irreparable; and if fortune frowned today, she might 
perhaps smile tomorrow. I pretended to acquiesce in his 
remarks, praise his equanimity, and promise to improve my 
misfortune. He, on the other hand, pretended to be perfectly 
well satisfied with my own conduct, and conjured me to 
follow the dictates of my own reflection; but, in spite of 
all his affectation, I perceived his inward affliction, and 
his visage sensibly increased in longitude from that day.



Chapter 50

In the meantime, my attention was wholly engrossed in search 
of another mistress and the desire of being revenged on 
Melinda, in both which schemes I was very much assisted by 
Billy Chatter, who was such a necessary creature among the 
ladies, that in all private dances he engaged the men. To 
him therefore I applied, desiring he would introduce me to a 
partner of some figure at the next private assembly, for the 
sake of a frolic, the intention of which I would afterwards 
communicate. Billy, who had heard something of the 
difference between Melinda and me, immediately smoked part 
of my design, and thinking I only wanted to alarm her 
jealousy a little, promised to gratify my desire, by 
matching me with a partner worth thirty thousand pounds, 
whom the ladies of this end of the town had lately taken 
under their management and protection. Upon further inquiry, 
I found this person's name was Miss Biddy Gripewell; that 
her father, who had been a pawnbroker, died intestate, by 
which means all his substance descended to his daughter, who 
was so little a favourite, that, could the old man have 
prevailed with his own rapacious disposition to part with as 
much money as would have paid the expense of a will, she 
would have inherited a sixth part of his fortune; that, 
during his life, far from being educated in a way suitable 
to such great expectations, she was obliged to live like a 
servant wench, and do the most menial offices in the family. 
But his funeral was no sooner performed, than she assumed 
the fine lady, and found so many people of both sexes to 
flatter, caress, and instruct her, that, for want of 
discretion and experience, she was grown insufferably vain 
and arrogant, and pretended to no less than a duke or earl 
at least for her husband. That she had the misfortune to be 
neglected by the English quality, but a certain poor 
Scottish lord was then making interest to be introduced to 
her acquaintance. In the meantime, she was fallen into the 
hands of a notable lady, who had already disposed of her to 
a lieutenant of foot, a distant relation of her ladyship's, 
though Miss, as yet, knew nothing of the affair. And, 
lastly, that, if I proposed to dance with her, I must give 
him leave to represent me as a knight or foreign count at 
least. I was ravished at this piece of information, and 
consented, for one night, to personate a French marquis, 
that I might the easier fulfil my revenge.
Having made the appointment with Chatter, I went to Banter's 
lodgings, as I had by this time conceived a great opinion of 
his penetration and knowledge; and, after I had enjoined 
secrecy, told him every circumstance of my disgrace with 
Melinda, and imparted the plan I had projected to mortify 
that proud coquette, desiring his advice in improving, and 
assistance in executing the scheme. Nothing could be more 
agreeable to his misanthropical temper, than an account of 
her behaviour and my resentment. He applauded my resolution, 
and proposed that I should not only provide myself with a 
proper partner, but also procure such an one for Miss 
Goosetrap as should infallibly entail upon her the ridicule 
of all her acquaintance. For this purpose he mentioned his 
barber, who, he said, was an exceeding coxcomb, lately come 
from Paris, whose absurd affectation and grimace would 
easily pass upon her for the sprightly politesse of a 
gentleman improved by travel. I hugged him for this hint; 
and he assured me, it would be no difficult matter to make 
him believe that Melinda, having seen him by accident, was 
captivated by his appearance, and longed for his 
acquaintance. He actually engaged him on this pretence, and 
painted his good fortune in such colours, that the poor 
shaver was quite beside himself with joy. He was immediately 
fitted with a tawdry suit of clothes belonging to Banter, 
and by him recommended to Chatter, as a very pretty fellow 
just returned from his travels. Mr Billy, who acted as a 
gentleman usher to a great many of the fair sex in and about 
town, undertook at once to bespeak Melinda in his behalf; 
and everything happened according to my wish.
At the time appointed, I appeared dressed to the best 
advantage; and, in the character of Marquis, had the honour 
of opening the ball with the rich heiress, who attracted the 
eyes of the whole company by the prodigious number of jewels 
with which she was adorned Among others, I perceived 
Melinda, who could no more conceal her envy than 
astonishment at my success. Her curiosity was still more 
flagrant and tormenting, for she had never seen Miss 
Gripewell before; and Chatter, who alone could give her any 
satisfaction on that head, was engaged in conversation at 
the other end of the room. I observed her impatience, and 
exulted in her chagrin; and after my partner was set, took 
the opportunity of passing by her to make a slight bow 
without stopping; which completed my triumph and her 
indignation. She changed colour, bridled up, assumed an air 
of disdain, and flirted her fan with such a fury, that it 
went to pieces in a moment, to the no small entertainment of 
those who sat near and observed her.
At length the metamorphosed barber took her out, and acted 
his part with such ridiculous extravagance, that the mirth 
of the whole company was excited at his expense, and his 
partner so much ashamed, that, before the country-dances 
began, she retired in great confusion, under pretence of 
being taken suddenly ill, and was followed by her gallant, 
who, no doubt, imagined her indisposition was nothing but 
love; and laid hold of the occasion of conducting her home, 
to comfort her with an assurance of his entertaining a 
reciprocal passion. They were no sooner gone, than an 
inquisitive whisper of 'Who is he?' ran round the room; and 
Chatter could give no other intelligence about him, than 
that he was a man of fortune just returned from his travels. 
I, who alone was acquainted with his real quality, affected 
ignorance, well knowing that female curiosity would not rest 
satisfied with such a general account, and that the 
discovery would proceed with a better grace from anybody 
than me.
Meanwhile, I was tempted by the richness of the prize, to 
practise upon Miss Gripewell's heart, but soon found it too 
well fortified with pride and indifference to yield to any 
efforts in my own character, and I neither would nor could 
preserve the title I had borrowed longer than that night.
As I expected, everything came to light next day. The 
barber, in pure simplicity of heart, detected himself to 
Melinda, and discovered the foundation of his hopes. She 
sickened at the affront, and was ashamed to show her face in 
public for many weeks after this accident. Poor Chatter 
found it impossible to justify himself to her satisfaction; 
was in utter disgrace with Miss Gripewell, for having 
imposed me upon her as a nobleman; and suffered very much in 
his character and influence among the ladies in general.
Finding my finances diminished more than one half, and my 
project as little advanced as on the first day of my arrival 
in town, I began to despair of my success, and grew 
melancholy at the prospect of approaching want. To dispel 
the horrors of this fiend, I had recourse to the bottle and 
kept more company than ever. I became particularly attached 
to the playhouse, conversed with the actors behind the 
scenes, grew acquainted with a body of Templars, and in a 
short time commenced a professed wit and critic. Indeed I 
may say, without vanity, that I was much better qualified 
than any one of my companions, who were, generally speaking, 
of all the creatures I ever conversed with, the most 
ignorant and assuming. By means of these avocations, I got 
the better of care, and learned to separate my ideas in such 
a manner, that whenever I was attacked by a gloomy 
reflection, I could shove it aside, and call in some 
agreeable reverie to my assistance. This was not the case 
with Strap, who practised a thousand shifts to conceal the 
sorrow that preyed upon his carcass, and reduced him to the 
resemblance of a mere skeleton.
While I thus posted, in a thoughtless manner, towards 
poverty, I one day received, by the penny-post, a letter 
written in a woman's hand, containing a great many high-
flown compliments, warm protestations of love, couched in a 
very poetical style, an earnest desire of knowing whether or 
not my heart was engaged, by leaving an answer at a certain 
place, directed to R.B. and the whole subscribed, 'Your 
incognita'. I was transported with joy on reading the 
contents of this billet-doux, which I admired as a 
masterpiece of tenderness and elegance, and was already up 
to the ears in love with the author, whom my imagination 
represented as a lady of fortune, in the bloom of youth and 
beauty. Elevated with this conjecture, I went to work, and 
exhausted my invention in composing an answer suitable to 
the sublimity of her style, and the ardour of her 
sentiments. I expressed my admiration of her wit in terms 
the most hyperbolical; and while I acknowledged myself 
unworthy of her regard, declared myself enamoured of her 
understanding; and, in the most pathetic manner, implored 
the honour of an interview. Having finished this 
performance, and communicated it to Strap, who skipped about 
for joy, I dispatched him with it to the place appointed, 
which was the house of a milliner not far from Bond Street, 
and desired him to keep watch near the door for some time, 
that he might discover the person who should call for it. In 
less than an hour he returned with a joyful countenance, and 
told me that soon after he had delivered the letter, a 
chairman was called, to whom it was given, with directions 
to carry it to the house of a rich gentleman in the 
neighbourhood, whither he (Strap) followed him, and saw it 
put into the hands of a waiting-woman who paid the 
messenger, and shut the door. That, upon inquiry at an 
alehouse hard by, where he called for a pint of beer, he 
understood the gentleman to whom the house belonged had an 
only daughter, very handsome, who would inherit his whole 
estate, and who certainly was the author of the billet I had 
received. I was of the same opinion, and hugging myself in 
the happy prospect, dressed immediately, and passed in great 
state by the house that contained my unknown admirer. Nor 
was my vanity disappointed; for I perceived a beautiful 
young creature standing at one of the windows of the dining-
room, who, I imagined, observed me with more than common 
curiosity. That I might indulge her view, and at the same 
time feast my own, I affected to stop, and gave orders to 
Strap, in the street, just opposite to her station, by which 
means I had an opportunity of seeing her more distinctly, 
and of congratulating myself on having made a conquest of so 
much perfection. In a few minutes she retired, and I betook 
myself to the ordinary, in a rapture of hope, which deprived 
me of appetite for that meal, and sent me home in the 
evening to indulge my contemplation.
Early next day, I was favoured with another epistle from my 
unknown charmer, signifying her unutterable joy at the 
receipt of mine, which, while it made a tender of my heart, 
convinced her of the value of it. Above all things, she 
professed extreme pleasure in finding me so much attached to 
her understanding, a circumstance that not only flattered 
her in the most sensible part, but at the same time argued 
my own sagacity. As for the interview I desired, she assured 
me that I could not be more eager for such an occasion than 
she; but she must not only sacrifice a little more to 
decorum, but be satisfied of my honourable intentions, 
before she would grant that request; meanwhile, she gave me 
to understand, that although she might owe some deference to 
the opinion of certain persons, she was resolved, in an 
affair that so nearly concerned her happiness, to consult 
her own inclination, preferable to the advice of the whole 
world; especially as she was urged to such condescension by 
no consideration of fortune, what she depended upon being 
her own without restriction or control. Struck with 
admiration at the philosophy and self-denial of my mistress, 
who seemed insensible of the beauty she possessed, and, in 
particular, ravished with that piece of intelligence by 
which I learned her fortune was independent, I resumed the 
pen, launched out into encomiums of the dignity of her 
sentiments, affected to undervalue the charms of external 
beauty, pretended to ground my passion on the qualities of 
her mind, complained of her rigour in sacrificing my repose 
to an over-scrupulous regard to decorum, and declared the 
purity of my designs in the most solemn and pathetic vows. 
This performance being sealed and directed, was sent to the 
place appointed by Strap, who, that we might be still the 
more confirmed in our belief, renewed his watch, and in a 
little time brought back the same information as before, 
with this addition, that Miss Sparkle (the name of my 
correspondent), looking out at the window, no sooner saw the 
messenger arrive, than she shut the casement in a sort of 
beautiful confusion, and disappeared; eager, no doubt, to 
hear from the dear object of her love.
My doubts now vanished, the long-expected port appeared, and 
I looked upon myself as perfectly secure of that happiness I 
had been in quest of so long. After dinner, I sauntered, in 
company with Doctor Wagtail, to that part of the town in 
which my inamorata lived; and as he was a mere register, 
inquired of him into the name, character, and fortune of 
everybody who possessed a good house in the streets through 
which we passed; when it came to his turn to mention Sir 
John Sparkle, he represented him as a man of an immense 
estate and narrow disposition, who mewed up his only child, 
a fine young lady, from the conversation of mankind, under 
the strict watch and inspection of an old governante, who 
was either so honest, envious, or insatiable, that nobody 
had been, as yet, able to make her a friend, or get access 
to her charge, though numbers attempted it every day; not so 
much on account of her expectations from her father, who, 
being a widower, might marry again and have sons, as for a 
fortune of twelve thousand pounds left her by an uncle of 
which she could not be deprived. This piece of news exactly 
tallying with the last part of the letter I had been 
honoured with in the morning, had such an effect on me, that 
any man, except Wagtail, might have observed my emotion; but 
his attention was too much engrossed by the contemplation of 
his own importance, to suffer him to be affected with the 
deportment of any other body, unless it happened to be so 
particular that he could not help taking notice of it.
When I had disengaged myself from him, whose conversation 
grew insipid to me, I went home and made Strap acquainted 
with the fruit of my researches. This faithful squire was 
almost choked with transports, and even wept with joy; but 
whether on account of himself or me, I shall not pretend to 
determine. Next day a third billet-doux was brought to me, 
containing many expressions of tenderness, mingled with some 
affecting doubts, about the artifice of man, the 
inconsistency of youth, and the jealousy often attending the 
most sincere passion; withal desiring I would excuse her, if 
she should try me a little longer, before she declared 
herself beyond the power of retracting. These interesting 
scruples added fuel to my flame, and impatience to my hope; 
I redoubled my complaints of her indifference, and pressed 
her to an assignation with such fervid entreaties that, in a 
few days, she consented to meet me at the house of that 
milliner who had forwarded all my letters. During the 
interval between the date of her promise and the hour of 
appointment, my pride soared beyond all reason and 
description; I lost all remembrance of the gentle Narcissa, 
and my thoughts were wholly employed in planning triumphs 
over the malice and contempt of the world.
At length the happy hour arrived, I flew to the place of 
rendezvous, and was conducted into an apartment, where I had 
not waited ten minutes, when I heard the rustling of silk, 
and the sound of feet ascending the stairs. My heart took 
the alarm and beat quick; my cheeks glowed, my nerves 
thrilled, and my knees shook with ecstasy! I perceived the 
door opening, saw a gold brocade petticoat advance, and 
sprung forward to embrace my charmer! Heaven and earth! - 
how shall I paint my situation, when I found Miss Sparkle 
converted into a wrinkled hag, turned of seventy! I was 
struck dumb with amazement, and petrified with horror! This 
ancient Urganda perceived my disorder, and approaching with 
a languishing air, seized my hand, asking, in a squeaking 
tone, if I was indisposed. Her monstrous affectation 
completed the disgust I had conceived for her at first 
appearance; and it was a long time before I could command 
myself so much as to behave with common civility. At length, 
however, I recollected myself, and pronounced an apology for 
my behaviour, which, I said, proceeded from a dizziness that 
seized me all of a sudden. My hoary dulcinea, who, no doubt, 
had been alarmed at my confusion, no sooner learned the 
cause to which I now ascribed it, than she discovered her 
joy in a thousand amorous coquetries, and assumed the 
sprightly airs of a girl of sixteen. One while, she ogled me 
with her dim eyes, quenched in rheum; then, as if she was 
ashamed of that freedom, she affected to look down, blush, 
and play with her fan; then toss her head, that I might not 
perceive a palsy that shook it, ask some childish questions 
with a lisping accent, giggle and grin with her mouth shut, 
to conceal the ravages of time upon her teeth; leer upon me 
again, sigh piteously, fling herself about in her chair to 
show her agility, and act a great many more absurdities that 
youth and beauty can alone excuse. Shocked as I was at my 
disappointment, my disposition was incapable of affronting 
any person who loved me; I therefore endeavoured to put a 
good face on the matter for the present, resolved to drop 
the whole affair as soon as I should get clear of her 
company. With this view, I uttered some civil things, and, 
in particular, desired to know the name and condition of the 
lady who had honoured me so much. She told me her name was 
Withers; that she lived with Sir John Sparkle in quality of 
governess to his only daughter, in which situation she had 
picked up a comfortable sufficiency to make her easy for 
life; that she had the pleasure of seeing me at church, 
where my appearance and deportment made such an impression 
upon her heart, that she could enjoy no ease until she had 
inquired into my character, which she found so amiable in 
all respects, that she yielded to the violence of her 
inclination, and ventured to declare her passion, with too 
little regard, perhaps, to the decorum of her sex; but she 
hoped I would forgive a trespass of which I myself was, in 
some measure, the cause, and impute her intrusion to the 
irresistible dictates of love. No decayed rake ever 
swallowed a bolus with more reluctance than I felt in making 
a reply suitable to this compliment, when, instead of the 
jewel, I found the crazy casket only in my power, and yet my 
hopes began to revive a little, when I considered that, by 
carrying on the appearance of an intrigue with the duenna, I 
might possibly obtain access to her charge. Encouraged by 
this suggestion, my temper grew more serene, my reserve wore 
off, I talked en cavalier, and even made love to this 
antiquated coquette, who seemed extremely happy in her 
adorer, and spread all her allurement to make her imagined 
conquest more secure. The good woman of the house treated us 
with tea and sweetmeats and afterwards withdrew, like a 
civil experienced matron as she was. Left to our mutual 
endearments, Miss Withers (for she was still a maiden) began 
to talk of matrimony, and expressed so much impatience in 
all her behaviour, that had she been fifty years younger, I 
might possibly have gratified her longing without having 
recourse to the church; but this step my virtue, as well as 
interest, forbade. When the inclinations of an old maid 
settle upon a young fellow, he is persecuted with her 
addresses; but should he once grant her the favour, he will 
never be able to disentangle himself from her importunities 
and reproaches. It was my business to defer the ceremony as 
long as possible, under the most specious pretences, with a 
view of becoming acquainted with Miss Sparkle in the 
meantime; and I did not despair of success, when I 
considered that, in the course of our correspondence, I 
should, in all probability, be invited to visit my mistress 
in her own apartment, and by these means have an opportunity 
of conversing with her charming ward. Pleased with this 
prospect, my heart dilated with joy, I talked in raptures to 
the stale governante, and kissed her shrivelled hand with 
great devotion. She was so much transported with her good 
fortune, that she could not contain her ecstasy, but flew 
upon me like a tigress, and pressed her skinny lips to mine; 
when (as it was no doubt concerted by her evil genius) a 
dose of garlic she had swallowed that morning, to dispel 
wind I suppose, began to operate with such a sudden 
explosion, that human nature, circumstanced as I was, could 
not endure the shock with any degree of temper. I lost all 
patience and reflection, flung away from her in an instant, 
snatched my hat and cane, and ran downstairs as if the devil 
had me in pursuit, and could scarce refrain the convulsion 
of my bowels, which were grievously offended by the perfume 
that assaulted me. Strap, who waited my return with 
impatience, seeing me arrive in the utmost disorder, stood 
motionless with apprehension, and durst not inquire into the 
cause.
After I had washed my mouth more than once, and recruited my 
spirits with a glass of wine, I recounted to him every 
particular of what had happened; to which he made no other 
reply for some time, than lifting up his eyes, clasping his 
hands, and uttering a hollow groan. At length he observed, 
in a melancholy tone, that it was a thousand pities my 
organs were so delicate as to be offended with the smell of 
garlic. 'Ah! God help us,' said he, "tis not the steams of 
garlic - no, nor of something else, that would give me the 
least uneasiness; see what it is to be a cobbler's son.' I 
replied hastily, 'I wish, then, you would go and retrieve my 
miscarriage.' At this suggestion he started, forced a smile, 
and left the room, shaking his head. Whether the old 
gentlewoman resented my abrupt departure so much that her 
love changed into disdain, or was ashamed to see me on 
account of her infirmity, I know not; but I was never 
troubled again with her passion.


Chapter 51

Baffled hitherto in my matrimonial schemes, I began to 
question my talents for the science of fortune-hunting, and 
to bend my thoughts towards some employment under the 
government; with the view of procuring which, I cultivated 
the acquaintance of Lords Straddle and Swillpot, whose 
fathers were men of interest at court. I found these young 
noblemen as open to my advances as I could desire. I 
accompanied them in their midnight rambles, and often dined 
with them at taverns, where I had the honour of paying the 
reckoning.
I one day took the opportunity, while I was loaded with 
protestations of friendship, to disclose my desire of being 
settled in some sinecure, and to solicit their influence in 
my behalf. Swillpot, squeezing my hand, said I might depend 
upon his service, by God. The other swore that no man would 
be more proud than he to run my errands. Encouraged by these 
declarations, I ventured to express an inclination to be 
introduced to their fathers, who were able to do my business 
at once. Swillpot frankly owned he had not spoke to his 
father these three years; and Straddle assured me his father 
having lately disobliged the minister, by subscribing his 
name to a protest in the House of Peers, was thereby 
rendered incapable of serving his friends at present; but he 
undertook to make me acquainted with Earl Strutwell, who was 
hand in glove with a certain person who ruled the roost. 
This offer I embraced with many acknowledgements, and plied 
him so closely, in. spite of a thousand evasions, that he 
found himself under a necessity of keeping his word, and 
actually carried me to the levee of this great man, where he 
left me in a crowd of fellow-dependants, and was ushered to 
a particular closet audience; from whence in a few minutes 
he returned with his lordship, who took me by the hand, 
assured me he would do me all the service he could, and 
desired to see me often. I was charmed with my reception, 
and although I had heard that a courtier's promise is not to 
be depended upon, I thought I discovered so much sweetness 
of temper and candour in this earl's countenance, that I did 
not doubt of finding my account in his protection. I 
resolved, therefore, to profit by this permission, and 
waited on him nex taudience day, when I was favoured with a 
particular smile, squeeze of the hand, and a whisper, 
signifying that he wanted half an hour's conversation with 
me in private, when he should be disengaged, and for that 
purpose desired me to come and drink a dish of chocolate 
with him tomorrow morning. This invitation, which did not a 
little flatter my vanity and expectation, I took care to 
observe, and went to his lordship's house at the time 
appointed. Having rapped at the gate, the porter unbolted 
and kept it half open, placing himself in the gap, like 
soldiers in a breach, to dispute my passage. I asked if his 
lord was stirring? He answered with a surly aspect, 'No'. 
'At what hour does he commonly rise?' said I. 'Sometimes 
sooner, sometimes later,' said he, closing the door upon me 
by degrees. I then told him, I was come by his lordship's 
own appointment; to which intimation this Cerberus replied, 
'I have received no orders about the matter'; and was upon 
the point of shutting me out, when I recollected myself all 
of a sudden, and, slipping a crown into his hand, begged as 
a favour that he would inquire, and let me know whether or 
not the earl was up. The grim janitor relented at the touch 
of my money, which he took with all the indifference of a 
tax-gatherer, and showed me into a parlour, where, he said, 
I might amuse myself till such time as his lord should be 
awake. I had not sat ten minutes in this place, when a 
footman entered, and, without speaking, stared at me; I 
interpreted this piece of his behaviour into, 'Pray, sir, 
what is your business?' and asked the same question I had 
put to the porter, when I accosted him first. The lackey 
made the same reply and disappeared before I could get any 
further intelligence. In a little time he returned, on 
pretence of poking the fire, and looked at me again with 
great earnestness; upon which I began to perceive his 
meaning, and tipped him with half a crown, desired he would 
be so good as to fall upon some method of letting the earl 
know that I was in the house. He made a low bow, said 'Yes, 
sir,' and vanished. This bounty was not thrown away, for in 
an instant he came back, and conducted me to a chamber, 
where I was received with great kindness and familiarity by 
his lordship, whom I found just risen, in his morning gown 
and slippers. After breakfast, he entered into a particular 
conversation with me about my travels, the remarks I had 
made abroad, and examined me to the full extent of my 
understanding. My answers seemed to please him very much; he 
frequently squeezed my hand, and looking at me with a 
singular complacency in his countenance, bade me depend upon 
his good offices with the ministry in my behalf. 'Young men 
of your qualifications,' said he, 'ought to be cherished by 
every administration. For my own part, I see so little merit 
in the world, that I have laid it down as a maxim, to 
encourage the least appearance of genius and virtue to the 
utmost of my power - you have a great deal of both; and will 
not fail of making a figure one day, if I am not mistaken, 
but you must lay your account with mounting by gradual steps 
to the summit of your fortune. Rome was not built in a day. 
As you understand the languages perfectly well, how would 
you like to cross the sea as secretary to an embassy?' I 
assured his lordship, with great eagerness, that nothing 
could be more agreeable to my inclination. Upon which he 
made me make myself easy, my business was done, for he had a 
place of that kind in his view. This piece of generosity 
affected me so much, that I was unable for some time to 
express my gratitude, which at length broke out in 
acknowledgements of my own unworthiness, and encomiums on 
his benevolence. I could not even help shedding tears at the 
goodness of this noble lord, who no sooner perceived them, 
than he caught me in his arms, and hugged and kissed me with 
a seemingly paternal affection. Confounded at this uncommon 
instance of fondness for a stranger, I remained a few 
moments silent and ashamed, then rose and took my leave, 
after he had assured me that he would speak to the minister 
in my favour that very day; and desired that I would not for 
the future give myself the trouble of attending at his 
levee, but come at the same hour every day when he should be 
at leisure, that is, three times a week.
Though my hopes were now very sanguine, I determined to 
conceal my prospect from everybody, even from Strap, until I 
should be more certain of success; and, in the meantime, 
give my patron no respite from my solicitations. When I 
renewed my visit, I found the street door open to me, as if 
by enchantment; but, in my passage towards the presence 
room, I was met by the valet de chambre, who cast some 
furious looks at me, the meaning of which I could not 
comprehend. The earl saluted me at entrance with a tender 
embrace, and wished me joy of his success with the premier, 
who, he said, had preferred his recommendation to that of 
two other noblemen very urgent in behalf of their respective 
friends, and absolutely promised that I should go to a 
certain foreign court, in quality of secretary to an 
ambassador and plenipotentiary, who was to set out in a few 
weeks, on an affair of vast importance to the nation. I was 
thunderstruck with my good fortune, and could make no other 
reply than kneel, and attempt to kiss my benefactor's hand; 
which submission he would not permit, but, raising me up, 
pressed me to his breast with surprising emotion, and told 
me he had now taken upon himself the care of making my 
fortune. What enhanced the value of the benefit still more, 
was his making light of the favour, and shifting the 
conversation to another subject. Among other topics of 
discourse, that of the Belles Lettres was introduced, upon 
which his lordship held forth with great taste and 
erudition, and discovered an intimate knowledge of the 
authors of antiquity. 'Here's a book,' said he, taking one 
from his bosom, 'written with great elegance and spirit, and 
though the subject may give offence to some narrow-minded 
people, the author will always be held in esteem by every 
person of wit and learning.' So saying, he put into my hand 
Petronius Arbiter, and asked my opinion of his wit and 
manner. I told him that, in my opinion, he wrote with great 
ease and vivacity, but was withal so lewd and indecent, that 
he ought to find no quarter or protection among people of 
morals and taste. 'I own,' replied the earl, 'that his taste 
in love is generally decried, and indeed condemned by our 
laws; but perhaps that may be more owing to prejudice and 
misapprehension, than to true reason and deliberation. The 
best man among the ancients is said to have entertained that 
passion; one of the wisest of their legislators has 
permitted the indulgence of it in his commonwealth; the most 
celebrated poets have not scrupled to avow it. At this day 
it prevails not only over all the East, but in most parts of 
Europe; in our own country it gains ground apace, and in all 
probability will become in a short time a more fashionable 
vice than simple fornication. Indeed, there is something to 
be said in vindication of it; for, notwithstanding the 
severity of the law against offenders in this way, it must 
be confessed that the practice of this passion is unattended 
with that curse and burden upon society, which proceeds from 
a race of miserable and deserted bastards, who are either 
murdered by their parents, deserted to the utmost want and 
wretchedness, or bred up to prey upon the commonwealth. And 
it likewise prevents the debauchery of many a young maiden, 
and the prostitution of honest men's wives; not to mention 
the consideration of health, which is much less liable to be 
impaired in the gratification of this appetite, than in the 
exercise of common venery, which, by ruining the 
constitutions of our young men, has produced a puny progeny, 
that degenerates from generation to generation. Nay, I have 
been told, that there is another motive, perhaps more 
powerful than all these, that induces people to cultivate 
this inclination, namely, the exquisite pleasure attending 
its success.'
From this discourse, I began to be apprehensive that his 
lordship, finding I had travelled, was afraid I might have 
been infected with this spurious and sordid desire abroad, 
and took this method of sounding my sentiments on the 
subject. Fired at this supposed suspicion, I argued against 
it with great warmth, as an appetite unnatural, absurd, and 
of pernicious consequence; and declared my utter detestation 
and abhorrence of it in these lines of the satirist:

Eternal infamy the wretch confound
Who planted first that vice on British ground!
A vice! that, 'spite of sense and nature, reigns
And poisons genial love, and manhood stains.

The earl smiled at my indignation, told me he was glad to 
find my opinion of the matter so conformable to his own, and 
that what he had advanced was only to provoke me to an 
answer, with which he professed himself perfectly well 
pleased.
After I had enjoyed a long audience, I happened to look at 
my watch, in order to regulate my motions by it; and his 
lordship observing the chased case, desired to see the 
device and examine the execution, which he approved, with 
some expressions of admiration. Considering the obligations 
I lay under to his lordship, I thought there could not be a 
fitter opportunity than the present to manifest in some 
shape my gratitude; I therefore begged he would do me the 
honour to accept of the watch as a small testimony of the 
sense I had of his lordship's generosity; but he refused it 
in a peremptory manner, and said he was sorry I should 
entertain such a mercenary opinion of him, observing at the 
same time, that it was the most beautiful piece of 
workmanship he had ever seen, and desiring to know where he 
could have such another. I begged a thousand pardons for the 
freedom I had taken, which I hoped he would impute to 
nothing else but the highest veneration for his person; told 
him that, as it came to my hand by accident in France, I 
could give him no information about the maker, for there was 
no name on the inside; and once more humbly entreated that 
he would indulge me so far as to use it for my sake. He was 
still positive in refusing it, but was pleased to thank me 
for my generous offer, saying it was a present that no 
nobleman need be ashamed receiving; though he was resolved 
to show his disinterestedness with regard to me, for whom he 
had conceived a particular friendship; and insisted, if I 
was willing to part with the watch, upon knowing what it had 
cost, that he might at least indemnify me by refunding the 
money. On the other hand, I assured his lordship that I 
should look upon it as an uncommon mark of distinction, if 
he would take it without further question; and, rather than 
disoblige me, he was at last persuaded to put it in his 
pocket, to my no small satisfaction, who took my leave 
immediately, after having received a kind squeeze, and an 
injunction to depend upon his promise.
Buoyed up with this reception, my heart opened; I gave away 
a guinea among the lackeys who escorted me to the door, flew 
to the lodgings of Lord Straddle, upon whom I forced my 
diamond ring as an acknowledgement for the great service he 
had done me, and from thence hied me home, with an intent of 
sharing my happiness with honest Strap. I determined, 
however, to heighten his pleasure by depressing his spirits 
at first, and then bringing in the good news with double 
relish. For this purpose, I affected the appearance of 
disappointment and chagrin, and told him in an abrupt manner 
that I had lost the watch and diamond. Poor Hugh, who had 
been already harassed into a consumption by intelligence of 
this sort, no sooner heard these words, than, unable to 
contain himself, he cried, with distraction in his looks, 
'God in heaven forbid!' I could carry on the farce no 
longer, but, laughing in his face, told him everything that 
had passed as above recited. His features were immediately 
unbended, and the transition was so affecting, that he wept 
with joy, called my Lord Strutwell by the appellations of 
Jewel, Phoenix, Rara avis; and praising God that there was 
still some virtue left among our nobility. Our mutual 
congratulations being over, we gave way to our imaginations, 
and anticipated our happiness by prosecuting our success 
through the different steps of promotion, till I arrived at 
the rank of prime minister, and he to that of my first 
secretary.
Intoxicated with these ideas, I went to the ordinary, where, 
meeting with Banter, I communicated the whole affair in 
confidence to him, concluding with an assurance that I would 
do him all the service in my power. He heard me to an end 
with great patience, then regarding me a good while with a 
look of disdain, pronounced, 'So your business is done, you 
think?' 'As good as done, I believe,' said I. 'I'll tell 
you,' replied he, 'what will do it still more effectually, a 
halter! - 'Sdeath! if I had been such a gull to two such 
scoundrels as Strutwell and Straddle, I would, without any 
more ado, tuck myself up.' Shocked at this exclamation, I 
desired him, with some confusion, to explain himself; upon 
which he gave me to understand, that Straddle was a poor 
contemptible wretch, who lived by borrowing and pimping for 
his fellow-peers; that, in consequence of this last 
capacity, he had doubtless introduced me to Strutwell, who 
was so notorious for a passion for his own sex, that he was 
amazed his character had never reached my ears; and that, 
far from being able to obtain for me the post he had 
promised, his interest at court was so low, that he could 
scarce provide for a superannuated footman once a year, in 
the customs or excise. That it was a common thing for him to 
amuse strangers whom his jackals ran down, with such 
assurances and caresses as he had bestowed on me, until he 
had stripped them of their cash, and everything valuable 
about them - very often of their chastity, and then leave 
them a prey to want and infamy. That he allowed his servants 
no other wages than that part of the spoil which they could 
glean by their industry; and the whole of his conduct 
towards me was so glaring, that nobody who knew anything of 
mankind could have been imposed upon by his insinuations.
I leave the reader to judge how I relished this piece of 
information, which precipitated me from the most exalted 
pinnacle of hope, to the lowest abyss of despondence; and 
well-nigh determined me to take Banter's advice, and finish 
my chagrin with a halter. I had no room to suspect the 
veracity of my friend, because, upon recollection, I found 
every circumstance of Strutwell's behaviour exactly tallying 
with the character he had described. His hugs, embraces, 
squeezes, and eager looks, were now no longer a mystery, no 
more than his defence of Petronius, and the jealous frown of 
his valet de chambre, who, it seems, had been the favourite 
pathic of his lord.


Chapter 52

I was so confounded, that I could make no reply to Banter, 
who reproached me with great indignation for having thrown 
away upon rascals that which, had it been converted into 
ready money, would have supported the rank of a gentleman 
for some months, and enable me, at the same time, to oblige 
my friends. Stupefied as I was, I could easily divine the 
source of his concern, but sneaked away in a solitary 
manner, without yielding the least answer to his 
expostulations, and began to deliberate with myself in what 
manner I should attempt to retrieve the movables I had so 
foolishly lost. I should have thought it no robbery to take 
them again by force, could I have done it without any danger 
of being detected; but as I could have no such opportunity, 
I resolved to work by finesse, and go immediately to the 
lodgings of Straddle, where I was so fortunate as to find 
him. 'My lord,' said I, 'I have just now recollected that 
the diamond I had the honour of presenting to you is 
loosened a little in the socket, and there is a young fellow 
just arrived from Paris who is reckoned the best jeweller in 
Europe; I knew him in France, and if your lordship will give 
me leave, will carry the ring to him to be set to rights.' 
His lordship was not to be caught in this snare; he thanked 
me for my offer, and told me, that having himself observed 
the defect, he had already sent it to his own jeweller to be 
mended. And, indeed, by this time, I believe it was in the 
jeweller's hands, though not in order to be mended, for it 
stood in need of no alteration.
Balked in this piece of politics, I cursed my simplicity, 
but resolved to play a surer game with the earl, which I 
thus devised. I did not doubt of being admitted into 
familiar conversation with him as before, and hoped by some 
means to get the watch into my hand; then, on pretence of 
winding or playing with it, drop it on the floor, when in 
all probability the fall would disorder the work so as to 
stop its motion. This event would furnish me with an 
opportunity of insisting upon carrying it away, in order to 
be repaired; and then I should have been in no hurry to 
bring it back. What pity it was I could not find an occasion 
of putting this fine scheme in execution! When I went to 
renew my visit to his lordship, my access to the parlour was 
as free as ever; but after I had waited some time, the valet 
de chambre came in with his lordship's compliments, and a 
desire to see me tomorrow at his levee, he being at present 
so much indisposed that he could not see company. I 
interpreted this message into a bad omen, and came away 
muttering curses against his lordship's politeness, and 
ready to go to loggerheads with myself for being so 
egregiously duped. But that I might have some satisfaction 
for the loss I had sustained, I besieged him closely at his 
levee, and persecuted him with my solicitations; not without 
faint hopes, indeed, of reaping something more from my 
industry than the bare pleasure of making him uneasy; though 
I could never obtain another private hearing, during the 
whole course of my attendance; neither had I resolution 
enough to undeceive Strap, whose looks in a little time were 
so whetted with impatience, that, whenever I came home, his 
eyes devoured me, as it were, with eagerness of attention. 
At length, however, finding myself reduced to my last 
guinea, I was compelled to disclose my necessity, though I 
endeavoured to sweeten the discovery by rehearsing to him 
the daily assurances I received from my patron. But these 
promises were not of efficacy sufficient to support the 
spirits of my friend, who no sooner understood the lowness 
of my finances, than, uttering a dreadful groan, he 
exclaimed, 'In the name of God, what shall we do?' In order 
to comfort him, I said that many of my acquaintance, who 
were in a worse condition than we, supported, 
notwithstanding, the character of gentlemen; and, advising 
him to thank God that we had as yet incurred no debt, 
proposed he should pawn my sword of steel inlaid with gold, 
and trust to my discretion for the rest. This expedient was 
wormwood and gall to poor Strap, who, in spite of his 
invincible affection for me, still retained notions of 
economy and expense suitable to the narrowness of his 
education; nevertheless, he complied with my request, and 
raised seven pieces on the sword in a twinkling. This 
supply, inconsiderable as it was, made me as happy for the 
present as if I had kept five hundred pounds in bank; for by 
this time I was so well skilled in procrastinating every 
troublesome reflection, that the prospect of want seldom 
affected me very much, let it be ever so near. And now, 
indeed, it was nearer than I imagined; my landlord having 
occasion for money, put me in mind of my being indebted to 
him five guineas in lodging, and telling me he had a sum to 
make up, begged I would excuse his importunity, and 
discharge the debt. Though I could ill spare so much cash, 
my pride took the resolution of disbursing it. This I did in 
a cavalier manner, after he had written a discharge, telling 
him with an air of scorn and resentment, I saw he was 
resolved that I should not be long in his books; while 
Strap, who stood by, and knew my circumstances, wrung his 
hands in secret, gnawed his nether lip, and turned yellow 
with despair. Whatever appearance of indifference my vanity 
enabled me to put on, I was thunderstruck with this demand, 
which I had no sooner satisfied, than I hastened into 
company, with a view of beguiling my cares with 
conversation, or of drowning them with wine.
After dinner, a party was accordingly made in the coffee-
house, from whence we adjourned to the tavern, where, 
instead of sharing the mirth of the company, I was as much 
chagrined at their good humour as a damned soul in hell 
would be at a glimpse of heaven. In vain did I swallow 
bumper after bumper: the wine had lost its effect upon me, 
and, far from raising my dejected spirits, could not even 
lay me asleep. Banter, who was the only intimate I had 
(Strap excepted), perceived my anxiety, and, when we broke 
up, reproached me with pusillanimity, for being cast down at 
any disappointment that such a rascal as Strutwell could be 
the occasion of. I told him I did not at all see how 
Strutwell's being a rascal alleviated my misfortune; and 
gave him to understand, that my present grief did not so 
much proceed from that disappointment, as from the low ebb 
of my fortune, which was sunk to something less than two 
guineas. At this declaration, he cried, 'Psha! is that all?' 
and assured me there was a thousand ways of living in town 
without a fortune, he himself having subsisted many years 
entirely by his wit. I expressed an eager desire of being 
acquainted with some of these methods; and he, without 
further expostulation, bade me follow him. He conducted me 
to a house under the piazzas in Covent Garden, which we 
entered, and having delivered our swords to a grim fellow, 
who demanded them at the foot of the staircase, ascended to 
the second story, where I saw multitudes of people standing 
round two gaming-tables, loaded in a manner with gold and 
silver. My conductor told me this was the house of a worthy 
Scotch lord, who using the privilege of his peerage, had set 
up pubic gaming-tables, from the profits of which he drew a 
comfortable livelihood. He then explained the difference 
between the sitters and the betters; characterized the first 
as old rooks, and the last as bubbles; and advised me to try 
my fortune at the silver table, by betting a crown at a 
time. Before I would venture anything, I considered the 
company more particularly; and there appeared such a group 
of villainous faces, that I was struck with horror and 
astonishment at the sight! I signified my surprise to 
Banter, who whispered in my ear that the bulk of those 
present were sharpers, highwaymen, and apprentices, who, 
having embezzled their masters' cash, made a desperate push 
in this place to make up their deficiencies. This account 
did not encourage me to hazard any part of my small 
pittance; but at length, being teased by the importunities 
of my friend, who assured me there was no danger of being 
ill-used, because people were hired by the owner to see 
justice done to everybody, I began by risking one shilling, 
and in less than an hour my winning amounted to thirty. 
Convinced by this time of the fairness of the game, and 
animated with success, there was no need of further 
persuasion to continue to play. I lent Banter (who seldom 
had any money in his pocket) a guinea, which he carried to 
the gold table, and lost in a moment. He would have borrowed 
another, but finding me deaf to his arguments, went away in 
a pet. Meanwhile, my gain advanced to six pieces, and my 
desire for more increased in proportion; so that I moved to 
the higher table, where I laid half-a-guinea on every throw; 
and fortune still favouring me, I became a sitter, on which 
capacity I remained until it was broad day; when I found 
myself, after many vicissitudes, one hundred and fifty 
guineas in pocket.
Thinking it now high time to retire with my booty, I asked 
if anybody would take my place, and made a motion to rise; 
upon which an old Gascon, who sat opposite to me, and of 
whom I had won a little money, started up with fury in his 
looks, crying, 'Restez, foutre, restez, il faut donner moi 
mon ravanchio!' At the same time, a Jew who sat near the 
other, insinuated that I was more beholden to art than 
fortune for what I had got; that he had observed me wipe the 
table very often, and that some of the divisions seemed to 
be greasy. This intimation produced a great deal of clamour 
against me, especially among the losers, who threatened with 
many oaths and imprecations to take me up by a warrant as a 
sharper, unless I would compromise the affair by refunding 
the greatest part of my winning. Though I was far from being 
easy under this accusation, I relied upon my innocence, 
threatened in my turn to prosecute the Jew for defamation, 
and boldly offered to submit my cause to the examination of 
any justice in Westminster; but they knew themselves too 
well to put their characters on that issue, and finding I 
was not to be intimidated into any concession, dropped their 
plea, and made way for me to withdraw. I would not, however, 
stir from the table until the Israelite had retracted what 
he had said to my disadvantage, and asked pardon before the 
whole assembly.
As I marched out with my prize, I happened to tread upon the 
toes of a tall, raw-boned fellow, with a hooked nose, fierce 
eyes, black, thick eyebrows, a pigtail wig of the same 
colour, and a formidable hat pulled over his forehead, who 
stood gnawing his fingers in the crowd, and no sooner felt 
the application of my shoe-heel, than he roared in a 
tremendous voice, 'Blood and wounds! you son of a whore, 
what's that for?' I asked pardon with a great deal of 
submission, and protested I had no intention of hurting him. 
But the more I humbled myself, the more he stormed, and 
insisted upon gentlemanly satisfaction, at the same time 
provoking me with scandalous names that I could not put up 
with; so that I gave a loose to my passion, returned his 
Billingsgate, and challenged him to follow me down to the 
piazzas. His indignation cooling as mine warmed, he refused 
my invitation, saying he would choose his own time, and 
returned towards the table, muttering threats, which I 
neither dreaded, nor distinctly heard; but descending with 
great deliberation, received my sword from the doorkeeper, 
whom I gratified with a guinea, according to the custom of 
that place, and went home in a rapture of joy.
My faithful valet, who had sat up all night in the utmost 
uneasiness on my account, let me in with his face 
beslubbered with tears, and followed me to my chamber, where 
he stood silent like a condemned criminal, in expectation of 
hearing that every shilling was spent. I guessed the 
situation of his thoughts, and, assuming a sullen look, bade 
him fetch me some water to wash. He replied, without lifting 
his eyes from the ground, 'In my simple conjecture you have 
more occasion for rest, not having, I suppose, slept these 
four-and-twenty hours.' 'Bring me some water,' said I in a 
peremptory tone; upon which he sneaked away shrugging his 
shoulders. Before he returned, I had spread my whole stock 
on the table in the most ostentatious manner; so that, when 
it first saluted his view, he stood like one entranced, and 
having rubbed his eyes more than once, to assure himself of 
his being awake, broke out into, 'Lord have mercy upon us! 
what a vast treasure is here!' "Tis all our own, Strap,' 
said I; 'take what is necessary, and redeem the sword 
immediately.' He advanced towards the table, stopped short 
by the way, looked at the money and me by turns, and, with a 
wildness in his countenance, produced from joy checked by 
distrust, cried, 'I dare say it is honestly come by.' To 
remove his scruples, I made him acquainted with the whole 
story of my success, which when he heard, he danced about 
the room in ecstasy, crying, 'God be praised! a white stone! 
- God be praised! a white stone!' so that I was afraid the 
sudden change of fortune had disordered his intellects, and 
that he was run mad with joy. Extremely concerned at this 
event, I attempted to reason him out of his frenzy, but to 
no purpose; for, without regarding what I said, he continued 
to frisk up and down, and repeat his rhapsody of 'God be 
praised! a white stone!' At last I rose in the utmost 
consternation, and, laying violent hands upon him, put a 
stop to his extravagance by fixing him down to a settee that 
was in the room. This constraint banished his delirium; he 
started as if just awoke, and, terrified at my behaviour, 
cried, 'What is the matter?' When he learned the cause of my 
apprehension, he was ashamed of his transports, and told me 
that in mentioning the white stone, he alluded to the dies 
fasti of the Romans, albo lapide notati.
Having no inclination to sleep, I secured my cash, dressed, 
and was just going abroad, when the servant of the house 
told me there was a gentlewoman at the door, who wanted to 
speak with me. Surprised at this information, I bade Strap 
show her up, and in less than a minute saw a young woman of 
a shabby, decayed appearance, enter my room. After half-a-
dozen curtseys, she began to sob, and told me her name was 
Gawky; upon which information I immediately recollected the 
features of Miss Lavement, who had been the first occasion 
of my misfortunes. Though I had all the reason in the world 
to resent her treacherous behaviour to me, I was moved at 
her distress, and professing my sorrow at seeing her so 
reduced, desired her to sit, and inquired into the 
particulars of her situation. She fell upon her knees, and 
implored my forgiveness for the injuries she had done me, 
protesting before God that she was forced, against her 
inclination, into that hellish conspiracy which had almost 
deprived me of my life, by the entreaties of her husband, 
who having been afterwards renounced by his father, on 
account of his marriage with her, and unable to support a 
family on his pay, left his wife at her father's house, and 
went with the regiment to Germany, where he was broke for 
misbehaviour at the battle of Dettingen, since which time 
she had heard no tidings of him. She then gave me to 
understand, with many symptoms of penitence, that it was her 
misfortune to bear a child four months after marriage, by 
which event her parents were so incensed, that she was 
turned out of doors with the infant, that died soon after; 
and had hitherto subsisted in a miserable, indigent manner, 
on the extorted charity of a few friends, who were now quite 
tired of giving. That not knowing where or how to support 
herself one day longer, she had fled for succour even to me, 
who, of all mankind, had the least cause to assist her, 
relying upon the generosity of my disposition, which, she 
hoped, would be pleased with this opportunity of avenging 
itself in the noblest manner on the wretch who had wronged 
me. I was very much affected with her discourse, and having 
no cause to suspect the sincerity of her repentance, raised 
her up, freely pardoned all she had done against me, and 
promised to befriend her as much as lay in my power.
Since my last arrival in London, I had made no advances to 
the apothecary, imagining it would be impossible for me to 
make my innocence appear, so unhappily was my accusation 
circumstanced. Strap indeed had laboured to justify me to 
the schoolmaster; but, far from succeeding in his attempt, 
Mr Concordance dropped all correspondence with him, because 
he refused to quit his connection with me. Things being in 
this situation, I thought a fairer opportunity of 
vindicating my character could not offer than that which now 
presented itself. I therefore stipulated with Mrs Gawky, 
that, before I would yield her the least assistance, she 
should do me the justice to clear my reputation, by 
explaining upon oath, before a magistrate, the whole of the 
conspiracy, as it had been executed against me. When she had 
given me this satisfaction, I presented her with five 
guineas, a sum so much above her expectation, that she could 
scarce believe the evidence of her senses, and was ready to 
worship me for my benevolence. The declaration, signed with 
her own hand, I sent to her father, who, upon recollecting 
and comparing the circumstances of my charge, was convinced 
of my integrity, and waited on me next day, in company with 
his friend the schoolmaster, to whom he had communicated my 
vindication. After mutual salutation, Monsieur Lavement 
began a long apology for the unjust treatment I had 
received; but I saved him a good deal of breath, by 
interrupting his harangue, and assuring him that, far from 
entertaining a resentment against him, I thought myself 
obliged to his lenity, which allowed me to escape, after 
such strong presumptions of guilt appeared against me. Mr 
Concordance, thinking it now his turn to speak, observed 
that Mr Random had too much candour and sagacity to be 
disobliged at their conduct, which, all things considered, 
could not have been otherwise, with any honesty of 
intention. 'Indeed,' said he, 'if the plot had been 
unravelled to us by any supernatural intelligence, if it had 
been whispered by a genie, communicated by a dream, or 
revealed by an angel from on high, we should have been to 
blame in crediting ocular demonstration: but as we are left 
in the midst of mortality, it cannot be expected we should 
be incapable of imposition. I do assure you, Mr Random, no 
man on earth is more pleased than I am at this triumph of 
your character; and as the news of your misfortune panged me 
to the very entrails, this manifestation of your innocence 
makes my midriff quiver with joy.' I thanked him for his 
concern, desired them to undeceive those of their 
acquaintance who judged harshly of me, and, having treated 
them with a glass of wine, represented to Lavement the 
deplorable condition of his daughter, and pleaded her cause 
so effectually, that he consented to settle a small annuity 
on her for life; but could not be persuaded to take her 
home, because her mother was so much incensed that she would 
never see her.



Chapter 53

Having finished this affair to my satisfaction, I found 
myself perfectly at ease, and looking upon the gaming-table 
as a certain resource for a gentleman in want, became more 
gay than ever. Although my clothes were almost as good as 
new, I grew ashamed of wearing them, because I thought 
everybody, by this time, had got an inventory of my 
wardrobe. For which reason I disposed of a good part of my 
apparel to a salesman in Monmouth Street for half the value, 
and bought two new suits with the money. I likewise 
purchased a plain gold watch, despairing of recovering that 
which I had so foolishly given to Strutwell, whom, 
notwithstanding, I still continued to visit at his levee, 
until the ambassador he had mentioned set out with a 
secretary of his own choosing. I thought myself then at 
liberty to expostulate with his lordship, whom I treated 
with great freedom in a letter, for amusing me with vain 
hopes, when he neither had the power nor inclination to 
provide for me. Nor was I less reserved with Straddle, whom 
I in person reproached for misrepresenting to me the 
character of Strutwell, which I did not scruple to aver was 
infamous in every respect. He seemed very much enraged at my 
freedom, talked a great deal about his quality and honour, 
and began to make some comparisons which I thought so 
injurious to mine, that I demanded an explanation with great 
warmth; and he was mean enough to equivocate, and condescend 
in such a manner, that I left him with a hearty contempt of 
his behaviour.
About this time, Banter, who had observed a surprising and 
sudden alteration in my appearance and disposition, began to 
inquire very minutely into the cause; and as I did not think 
fit to let him know the true state of the affair, lest he 
might make free with my purse, on the strength of having 
proposed the scheme that filled it, I told him that I had 
received a small supply from a relation in the country, who 
at the same time had promised to use all his interest, which 
was not small, in soliciting some post for me that should 
make me easy for life. 'If that be the case,' said Banter, 
'perhaps you won't care to mortify yourself a little, in 
making your fortune another way. I have a relation who is to 
set out for Bath next week, with an only daughter, who, 
being sickly and decrepit, intends to drink the waters for 
the recovery of her health. Her father, who was a rich 
Turkey merchant, died about a year ago, and left her with a 
fortune of twenty thousand pounds, under the sole management 
of her mother, who is my kinswoman. I would have put in for 
the plate myself, but there is a breach at present between 
the old woman and me. You must know, that some time ago I 
borrowed a small sum of her, and promised, it seems, to pay 
it before a certain time; but being disappointed in my 
expectation of money from the country, the day elapsed 
without my being able to take up my note; upon which she 
wrote a peremptory letter, threatening to arrest me, if I 
did not pay the debt immediately. Nettled at this precise 
behaviour, I sent a damned severe answer, which enraged her 
so much that she actually took out a writ against me. 
Whereupon, finding the thing grow serious, I got a friend to 
advance the money for me, discharged the debt, went to her 
house, and abused her for her unfriendly dealing. She was 
provoked by my reproaches, and scolded in her turn. The 
little deformed urchin joined her mother with such virulence 
and volubility of tongue, that I was fain to make my 
retreat, after having been honoured with a great many 
scandalous epithets, which gave me plainly to understand 
that I had nothing to hope from the esteem of the one, or 
the affection of the other. As they are both utter strangers 
to life, it is a thousand to one that the girl will be 
picked up by some scoundrel or other at Bath, if I don't 
provide for her otherwise. You are a well-looking fellow, 
Random, and can behave as demurely as a Quaker. Now, if you 
will give me an obligation for five hundred pounds, to be 
paid six months after your marriage, I will put you in a 
method of carrying her in spite of all opposition.'
This proposal was too advantageous for me to be refused. The 
writing was immediately drawn up and executed; and Banter 
giving me notice of the time when, and the stage coach in 
which they were to set out, I bespoke a place in the same 
convenience, and having hired a horse for Strap, who was 
charmed with the prospect, set forward accordingly.
As we embarked before day, I had not the pleasure for some 
time of seeing Miss Snapper (that was the name of my 
mistress), nor even of perceiving the number and sex of my 
fellow-travellers, although I guessed that the coach was 
full, by the difficulty I found in seating myself. The first 
five minutes passed in a general silence, when, all of a 
sudden, the coach heeling to one side, a boisterous voice 
pronounced, 'To the right and left, cover your flanks, 
damme! whiz!' I easily discovered by the tone and matter of 
this exclamation, that it was uttered by a son of Mars; 
neither was it hard to conceive the profession of another 
person who sat opposite to me, and observed that we ought to 
have been well satisfied of the security before we entered 
upon the premises. These two sallies had not the desired 
effect. We continued a good while as mute as before, till at 
length the gentleman of the sword, impatient of longer 
silence, made a second effort, by swearing he had got into a 
meeting of Quakers. 'I believe so, too,' said a shrill voice 
at my left hand, 'for the spirit of folly begins to move.' 
'Out with it, then, madam,' replied the soldier. 'You seem 
to have no occasion for a midwife,' cried the lady. 'Damn my 
blood!' exclaimed the other, 'a man can't talk to a woman, 
but she immediately thinks of a midwife.' 'True, sir,' said 
she, 'I long to be delivered.' 'What! of a mouse, madam?' 
said he. 'No, sir,' said she, 'of a fool.' 'Are you far gone 
with a fool?' said he. 'Little more than two miles,' said 
she. 'By Gad, you are a wit, madam!' cried the officer. 'I 
wish I could with any justice return the compliment,' said 
the lady. 'Zounds, I have done,' said he. 'Your bolt is soon 
shot, according to the old proverb,' said she. The warrior's 
powder was quite spent; the lawyer advised him to drop the 
prosecution; and a grave matron, who sat on the left hand of 
the victorious wit, told her she must not let her tongue run 
so fast among strangers. This reprimand, softened with the 
appellation of child, convinced me that the satirical lady 
was no other than Miss Snapper, and I resolved to regulate 
my conduct accordingly. The champion finding himself so 
smartly handled, changed his battery, and began to expatiate 
on his own exploits. 'You talk of shot, madam,' said he, 
'damme! I have both given and received some shot in my time. 
I was wounded in the shoulder by a pistol-ball at Dettingen, 
where - I say nothing - but by Gad! if it had not been for 
me - all's one for that - I despise boasting, damme! whiz!' 
So saying, he whistled one part and hummed another of 'Black 
Joke'; then addressing himself to the lawyer, went on thus: 
'Wouldn't you think it damned hard, after having, at the 
risk of your life, recovered the standard of a regiment, 
that had been lost, to receive no preferment for your pains! 
I don't choose to name no names, sink me! but howsomever, 
this I will refer, by Gad; and that is this, a musketeer of 
the French guards, having taken a standard from a certain 
cornet of a certain regiment, damme! was retreating with his 
prize as fast as his horse's heels could carry him, sink me! 
Upon which I snatched up a firelock that belonged to a dead 
man, damme! whiz! and shot his horse under him, damn my 
blood! The fellow got upon his feet, and began to repose me; 
upon which I charged my bayonet breast high, and ran him 
through the body, by Gad! One of his comrades coming to his 
assistance, shot me in the shoulder, as I told you before; 
another gave me a confusion on the head with the butt-end of 
his carbine; but, damme! that did not signify. I killed one, 
put the other to flight, and, taking up the standard, 
carried it off very deliberately. But the best joke of all 
was, the son of a bitch of a cornet who had surrendered it 
in a cowardly manner, seeing it in my possession, demanded 
it from me, in the front of the line. "Damn my blood," says 
he, "where did you find my standard?" says he. "Damn my 
blood," said I, "where," said I, "did you lose it?" said I. 
"That's nothing to you," says he - " 'tis my standard," says 
he, "and by Gad I'll have it," says he. "Damnation seize 
me," says I, "if you shall," says I, "till I have first 
delivered it to the general," says I; and accordingly I went 
to the headquarters, after the battle, and delivered it to 
my Lord Stair, who promised to do for me, but I am no more 
than a poor lieutenant still, damn my blood.'
Having vented this repetition of expletives, the lawyer 
owned he had not been requited according to his desert; 
observed, that the labourer is always worthy of his hire, 
and asked if the promise was made before witnesses, because 
in that case the law would compel the general to perform it; 
- but understanding that the promise was made over a bottle, 
without being restricted to time or terms, he pronounced it 
not valid in law, proceeded to inquire into the particulars 
of the battle, and affirmed, that although the English had 
drawn themselves into a premunire at first, the French 
managed their cause so lamely in the course of the dispute, 
that they would have been utterly non-suited, had they not 
obtained a noli prosequi. In spite of these enlivening 
touches, the conversation was likely to suffer another long 
interruption; when the lieutenant, unwilling to conceal any 
of his accomplishments that could be displayed in his 
present situation, offered to regale the company with a 
song; and interpreting our silence into a desire of hearing, 
began to warble a fashionable air, the first stanza of which 
he pronounced thus:

"Would you task the moon-ty'd hair,
To yon flagrant beau repair,
Where waving with the popling vow,
The bantling fine will shelter you, etc."

The sense of the rest he perverted as he went on, with such 
surprising facility, that I could not help thinking he had 
been at some pains to burlesque the performance. Miss 
Snapper ascribed it to the true cause, namely ignorance; and 
when he asked her how she relished his music, answered, 
that, in her opinion, the music and the words were much of a 
piece. 'O damn my blood!' said he, 'I take that as a high 
compliment; for everybody allows the words are damnable 
fine.' 'They may be so,' replied the lady, 'for aught I 
know, but they are above my comprehension.' 'I ain't obliged 
to find your comprehension, madam, curse me!' cried he. 'No, 
nor to speak sense neither,' said she. 'Damn my heart,' said 
he, 'I'll speak what I please.' Here the lawyer interposed 
by telling him there were some things he must not speak. And 
upon being defied to give an instance, mentioned treason and 
defamation. 'As for the king,' cried the soldier, 'God bless 
him - I eat his bread, and have lost blood in his cause, 
therefore I have nothing to say to him - but, by Gad, I dare 
say anything to any other man.' 'No,' said the lawyer, 'you 
dare not call me a rogue.' 'Damme, for what?' said the 
other. 'Because,' replied the counsellor, 'I should have a 
good action against you, and recover.' 'Well, well,' cried 
the officer, 'If I dare not call you a rogue, I dare think 
you one, damme.' This stroke of wit he accompanied with a 
loud laugh of self-approbation, which unluckily did not 
affect the audience, but effectually silenced his 
antagonist, who did not open his mouth for the space of an 
hour, except to clear his pipe with three hems, which, 
however, produced nothing.


Chapter 54

In the meantime, day breaking in upon us, discovered to one 
another the faces of their fellow-travellers, and I had the 
good fortune to find my mistress not quite so deformed nor 
disagreeable as she had been represented to me. Her head, 
indeed, bore some resemblance to a hatchet, the edge being 
represented by her face; but she had a certain delicacy in 
her complexion, and a great deal of vivacity in her eyes, 
which were very large and black, and though the protuberance 
of her breast, when considered alone, seemed to drag her 
forwards, it was easy to perceive an equivalent on her back 
which balanced the other, and kept her body in equilibrio. 
On the whole, I thought I should have great reason to 
congratulate myself, if it should be my fate to possess 
twenty thousand pounds encumbered with such a wife. I began 
therefore to deliberate about the most probable means of 
acquiring the conquest, and was so much engrossed by this 
idea, that I scarce took any notice of the rest of the 
people in the coach, but revolved my project in silence; 
while the conversation was maintained as before, by the 
object of my hopes, the son of Mars, and the barrister, who 
by this time had recollected himself, and talked in terms as 
much as ever. At length a dispute happened which ended in a 
wager, to be determined by me, who was so much absorbed in 
contemplation, that I neither heard the reference nor the 
question, which was put to me by each in his turn; affronted 
at my supposed contempt, the soldier, with great 
vociferation, swore I was either dumb or deaf, if not both, 
and that I looked as if I could not say Boh to a goose. 
Aroused at this observation, I fixed my eyes upon him, and 
pronounced with emphasis the interjection Boh! Upon which he 
cocked his hat in a fierce manner, and cried, 'Damme, sir, 
what d'ye mean by that?' Had I intended to answer him, which 
by the bye was not my design, I should have been anticipated 
by Miss, who told him, my meaning was to show that I could 
cry Boh to a goose; and laughed very heartily at my laconic 
reproof. Her explanation and mirth did not help to appease 
his wrath, which broke out in several martial insinuations, 
such as - 'I do not understand such freedoms, damme! Damn my 
blood! I'm a gentleman, and bear the king's commission. 
'Sblood! some people deserve to have their noses pulled for 
their impertinence.' I thought to have checked these 
ejaculations by a frown; because he had talked so much of 
his valour, that I had long ago rated him as an ass in a 
lion's skin; but this expedient did not answer my 
expectation; he took umbrage at the contraction of my brows, 
swore he did not value my sulky looks a fig's end, and 
protested he feared no man breathing. Miss Snapper said she 
was very glad to find herself in company with a man of so 
much courage, who, she did not doubt, would protect us from 
all attempts of highwaymen during our journey. 'Make 
yourself perfectly easy on that head, madam,' replied the 
officer; 'I have got a pair of pistols (here they are) which 
I took from a horse officer at the battle of Dettingen - 
they are double loaded, and if any highwayman in England 
robs you of the value of a pin while I have the honour of 
being in your company, damn my heart.' When he had expressed 
himself in this manner, a prim gentlewoman, who had sat 
silent hitherto, opened her mouth and said, she wondered how 
any man could be so rude as to pull out such weapons before 
ladies. 'Damme, madam,' cried the champion, 'if you are so 
much afraid at sight of a pistol, how d'ye propose to stand 
fire if there should be occasion?' She then told him, that 
if she thought he could be so unmannerly as to use firearms 
in her presence, whatever might be the occasion, she would 
get out of the coach immediately, and walk to the next 
village, where she might procure a convenience to herself. 
Before he could make any answer, my dulcinea interposed, and 
observed, that, far from being offended at a gentleman's 
using his arms in his own defence, she thought herself very 
lucky in being along with one by whose valour she stood a 
good chance of saving herself from being rifled. The prude 
cast a disdainful look at Miss, and said that people who 
have but little to lose are sometimes the most solicitous 
about preserving it. The old lady was affronted at this 
innuendo, and took notice that people ought to be very well 
informed before they spoke slightingly of other people's 
fortunes, lest they discover their own envy, and make 
themselves ridiculous. The daughter declared that she did 
not pretend to vie with anybody in point of riches; and if 
the lady who insisted upon non-resistance would promise to 
indemnify us for all the loss we should sustain, she would 
be one of the first to persuade the captain to submission, 
in case we should be attacked. To this proposal, reasonable 
as it was, the reserved lady made no other reply than a 
scornful glance and a toss of her head. I was very well 
pleased with the spirit of my mistress; and even wished for 
an opportunity of distinguishing my courage under her eye, 
which I believed could not fail of prepossessing her in my 
favour; when, all of a sudden, Strap rode up to the coach 
door, and told us in a great fright that two men on 
horseback were crossing the heath (for by this time we had 
passed Hounslow), and made directly towards us. This piece 
of information was no sooner delivered than Mrs Snapper 
began to scream, her daughter grew pale, the other lady 
pulled out her purse to be in readiness, the lawyer's teeth 
chattered, while he pronounced, "Tis no matter - we'll sue 
the county, and recover.' The captain gave evident signs of 
confusion; and I, after having commanded the coachman to 
stop, opened the door, jumped out, and invited the warrior 
to follow me; but finding him backward and astonished, took 
his pistols, and giving them to Strap, who had by this time 
alighted, and trembled very much, I mounted on horseback, 
and taking my own, which I could better depend upon, from 
the holsters, cocked them both, and faced the robbers, who 
were now very near us. Seeing me ready to oppose them on 
horseback, and another man armed afoot, they made a halt at 
some distance to reconnoitre us, and, after having rode 
round us twice, myself still facing about as they rode, went 
off the same way as they came, at a hand-gallop. A 
gentleman's servant coming up with a horse at the same time, 
I offered him a crown to assist me in pursuing them: which 
he no sooner accepted, than I armed him with the officer's 
pistols, and we galloped after the thieves, who, trusting to 
the swiftness of their horses, stopped till we came within 
shot of them, and then firing at us, put their nags to the 
full speed. We followed them as fast as our beasts could 
carry us; but not being so well mounted as they, our efforts 
would have been to little purpose, had not the horse of one 
of them stumbled, and thrown his rider with such violence 
over his head, that he lay senseless when we came up, and 
was taken without the least opposition; while his comrade 
consulted his own safety in flight, without regarding the 
distress of his friend. We scarce had time to make ourselves 
masters of his arms, and tie his hands together, before he 
recovered his senses, when learning his situation, he 
affected surprise, demanded to know by what authority we 
used a gentleman in that manner, and had the impudence to 
threaten us with a prosecution for robbery. In the meantime 
we perceived Strap coming up with a crowd of people, armed 
with different kinds of weapons; and among the rest a 
farmer, who no sooner perceived the thief, whom we had 
secured, than he cried with great emotion, 'There's the 
fellow who robbed me an hour ago of twenty pounds in a 
canvas bag.' He was immediately searched, and the money 
found exactly as it had been described. Upon which we 
committed him to the charge of the countryman, who carried 
him to the town of Hounslow, which it seems the farmer had 
alarmed; and I, having satisfied the footman for his 
trouble, according to promise, returned with Strap to the 
coach, where I found the captain and lawyer busy in 
administering smelling-bottles and cordials to the grave 
lady, who had gone into a fit at the noise of the firing.
When I had taken my seat, Miss Snapper, who from the coach 
had seen everything that happened, made me a compliment on 
my behaviour, and said she was glad to see me returned, 
without having received any injury: her mother, too, owned 
herself obliged to my resolution; and the lawyer told me 
that I was entitled by act of parliament to a reward of 
forty pounds, for having apprehended a highwayman. The 
soldier observed, with a countenance in which impudence and 
shame struggling produced some disorder, that if I had not 
been in such a damned hurry to get out of the coach, he 
would have secured the rogues effectually, without all this 
bustle and loss of time, by a scheme which my heat and 
precipitation ruined. 'For my own part,' continued he, 'I am 
always extremely cool on these occasions.' 'So it appeared, 
by your trembling,' said the young lady. 'Death and 
damnation,' cried he, 'your sex protects you, madam; if any 
man on earth durst tell me so much, I'd send him to hell, 
damn my heart! in an instant.' So saying, he fixed his eyes 
upon me, and asked if I had seen him tremble? I answered 
without hesitation, 'Yes.' 'Damme, sir,' said he, 'd'ye 
doubt my courage?' I replied, 'Very much.' This declaration 
quite disconcerted him. He looked blank, and pronounced with 
a faltering voice, 'O! 'tis very well - damn my blood! I 
shall find a time.' I signified my contempt of him by 
thrusting my tongue in my cheek, which humbled him so much, 
that he scarce swore another oath aloud during the whole 
journey.
The precise lady having recruited her spirits by the help of 
some strong waters, began a soliloquy, in which she wondered 
that any man, who pretended to maintain the character of a 
gentleman, could, for the sake of a little paltry coin, 
throw persons of honour into such quandaries as might 
endanger their lives; and professed her surprise that women 
were not ashamed to commend such brutality; at the same time 
vowing, that for the future she would never set foot in a 
stage coach, if a private convenience could be had for love 
or money.
Nettled at her remarks, I took the same method of conveying 
my sentiments, and wondered in my turn that any woman of 
common sense should be so unreasonable as to expect that 
people who had neither acquaintance or connection with her, 
would tamely allow themselves to be robbed and maltreated, 
merely to indulge her capricious humour. I likewise 
confessed my astonishment at her insolence and ingratitude 
in taxing a person with brutality, who deserved her 
approbation and acknowledgement; and vowed that if ever she 
should be assaulted again, I would leave her to the mercy of 
the spoiler, that she might know the value of my protection.
This person of honour did not think fit to carry on the 
altercation any further, but seemed to chew the cud of her 
resentment with the crestfallen captain, while I entered 
into discourse with my charmer, who was the more pleased 
with my conversation, as she had conceived a very 
indifferent opinion of my intellects from my former silence. 
I should have had cause to be equally satisfied with the 
sprightliness of her genius, could she have curbed her 
imagination with judgement; but she laboured under such a 
profusion of talk, that I dreaded her unruly tongue, and 
felt by anticipation the horrors of an eternal clack! 
However, when I considered, on the other hand, the joys 
attending the possession of twenty thousand pounds, I forgot 
her imperfections, seized occasion by the forelock, and 
endeavoured to insinuate myself into her affection. The 
careful mother kept a strict watch over her, and though she 
could not help behaving civilly to me, took frequent 
opportunities of discouraging our communication, by 
reprimanding her for being so free with strangers, and 
telling her she must learn to speak less, and think more. 
Abridged of the use of speech, we conversed with our eyes, 
and I found the young lady very eloquent in this kind of 
discourse. In short, I had reason to believe that she was 
sick of the old gentlewoman's tuition, and that I should 
find it no difficult matter to supersede her authority.
When we arrived at the place where we were to breakfast, I 
alighted, and helped my mistress out of the coach, as well 
as her mother, who called for a private room to which they 
withdrew, in order to eat by themselves. As they retired 
together, I perceived that Miss had got more twists from 
nature, than I had before observed, for she was bent 
sideways in the figure like an S, so that her progression 
very much resembled that of a crab. The prude also chose the 
captain for her messmate, and ordered breakfast for two only 
to be brought into another separate room; while the lawyer 
and I, deserted by the rest of the company, were fain to put 
up with each other. I was a good deal chagrined at the 
stately reserve of Mrs Snapper, who I thought did not use me 
with all the complaisance I deserved; and my companion 
declared that he had been a traveller for twenty years, and 
never knew the stage-coach rules so much infringed before. 
As for the honourable gentlewoman, I could not conceive the 
meaning of her attachment to the lieutenant; and asked the 
lawyer if he knew for which of the soldier's virtues she 
admired him? The counsellor facetiously replied, 'I suppose 
the lady knows him to be an able conveyancer, and wants him 
to make a settlement in tail.' I could not help laughing at 
the archness of the barrister, who entertained me during 
breakfast with a great deal of wit of the same kind, at the 
expense of our fellow-travellers; and among other things 
said he was sorry to find the young lady saddled with such 
encumbrances.
When we had made an end of our repast, and paid our 
reckoning, we went into the coach, took our places, and 
bribed the driver with sixpence to revenge us on the rest of 
his fare, by hurrying them away in the midst of their meal. 
This task he performed to our satisfaction, after he had 
disturbed their enjoyment with his importunate clamour. The 
mother and daughter obeyed the summons first, and coming to 
the coach door, were obliged to desire the coachman's 
assistance to get in, because the lawyer and I had agreed to 
show our resentment by our neglect. They were no sooner 
seated, than the captain appeared as much heated as if he 
had been pursued a dozen miles by an enemy; and immediately 
after him came the lady, not without some marks of disorder. 
Having helped her up, he entered himself, growling a few 
oaths against the coachman for his impertinent interruption; 
and the lawyer comforted him by saying, that if he had 
suffered a nisi prius through the obstinacy of the 
defendant, he might have an opportunity to join issue at the 
next stage. This last expression gave offence to the grave 
gentlewoman, who told him, if she was a man, she would make 
him repent of such obscenity, and thanked God she had never 
been in such company before. At this insinuation, the 
captain thought himself under a necessity of espousing the 
lady's cause; and accordingly threatened to cut off the 
lawyer's ears, if he should give his tongue any such 
liberties for the future. The poor counsellor begged pardon, 
and universal silence ensued.



Chapter 55

During this unsocial interval, my pride and interest 
maintained a severe conflict on the subject of Miss Snapper, 
whom the one represented as unworthy of notice, and the 
other proposed as the object of my whole attention: the 
advantages and disadvantages attending such a match were 
opposed to one another by my imagination; and at length my 
judgement gave it so much in favour of the first, that I 
resolved to prosecute my scheme with all the address in my 
power. I thought I perceived some concern in her 
countenance, occasioned by my silence, which she, no doubt, 
imputed to my disgust at her mother's behaviour; and as I 
believe the old woman could not fail of ascribing my 
muteness to the same motive, I determined to continue that 
sullen conduct towards her, and fall upon some other method 
of manifesting my esteem for the daughter: nor was it 
difficult for me to make her acquainted with my sentiments 
by the expression of my looks, which I modelled into the 
characters of humility and love; and which were answered by 
her with all the sympathy and approbation I could desire. 
But when I began to consider, that without further 
opportunities of improving my success, all the progress I 
had hitherto made would not much avail, and that such 
opportunities could not be enjoyed without the mother's 
permission, I concluded it would be requisite to vanquish 
her coldness and suspicion by my assiduities and respectful 
behaviour on the road; and she would in all likelihood 
invite me to visit her at Bath, where I did not fear of 
being able to cultivate her acquaintance as much as would be 
necessary to the accomplishment of my purpose. And indeed 
accident furnished me with an opportunity of obliging her so 
much, that she could not, with any appearance of good 
manners, forbear to gratify my inclination.
When we arrived at our dining-place, we found all the 
eatables in the inn bespoke by a certain nobleman, who had 
got the start of us; and in all likelihood my mistress and 
her mother must have dined with Duke Humphrey, had I not 
exerted myself in their behalf, and bribed the landlord with 
a glass of wine to curtail his lordship's entertainment of a 
couple of fowls and some bacon, which I sent with my 
compliments to the ladies. They accepted my treat with a 
great many thanks, and desired I would favour them with my 
company at dinner, where I amused the old gentlewoman so 
successfully, by maintaining a seemingly disinterested ease 
in the midst of my civility, that she signified a desire of 
being better acquainted, and hoped I would be so kind as to 
see her sometimes at Bath. While I enjoyed myself in this 
manner, the precise lady had the good fortune to meet with 
her husband, who was no other than gentleman, or, in other 
words, valet de chambre, to the very nobleman whose coach 
stood at the door. Proud of the interest she had in the 
house, she affected to show her power by introducing the 
captain to her spouse, as a person who had treated her with 
great civility; upon which he was invited to a share of 
their dinner; while the poor lawyer, finding himself utterly 
abandoned, made application to me, and was, through my 
intercession, admitted into our company. Having satisfied 
our appetites, and made ourselves merry at the expense of 
the person of honour, the civil captain, and complaisant 
husband, I did myself the pleasure of discharging the bill 
by stealth, for which I received a great many apologies and 
acknowledgements from my guests, and we re-embarked at the 
first warning. The officer was obliged, at last, to appease 
his hunger with a luncheon of bread and cheese, and a pint 
bottle of brandy, which he dispatched in the coach, cursing 
the inappetence of his lordship, who had ordered dinner to 
be put back a whole hour.
Nothing remarkable happened during the remaining part of our 
journey, which was finished next day, when I waited on the 
ladies to the house of a relation, in which they intended to 
lodge, and passing that night at the inn, took lodgings in 
the morning for myself.
The forenoon was spent in visiting everything that was worth 
seeing in the place, in company with a gentleman to whom 
Banter had given me a letter of introduction; and in the 
afternoon I waited on the ladies, and found Miss a good deal 
indisposed with the fatigue of the journey. As they foresaw 
they should have occasion for a male acquaintance to squire 
them at all public places, I was received with great 
cordiality, and had the mother's commission to conduct them 
next day to the Long Room, which we no sooner entered, than 
the eyes of everybody present were turned upon us; and when 
we had suffered the martyrdom of their looks for some time, 
a whisper circulated at our expense, which was accompanied 
with many contemptuous smiles and tittering observations, to 
my utter shame and confusion. I did not so much conduct as 
follow my charge to a place where she seated her mother and 
herself with astonishing composure, notwithstanding the 
unmannerly behaviour of the whole company, which seemed to 
be assumed merely to put her out of countenance. The 
celebrated Mr Nash, who commonly attends in this place as 
master of the ceremonies, perceiving the disposition of the 
assembly, took upon himself the task of gratifying their ill-
nature still further, by exposing my mistress to the edge of 
his wit. With this view he approached us, with many bows and 
grimaces, and after having welcomed Miss Snapper to the 
place, asked her, in the hearing of all present, if she 
could inform him the name of Tobit's dog. I was so much 
incensed at his insolence that I should certainly have 
kicked him where he stood, without ceremony, had not the 
young lady prevented the effects of my indignation, by 
replying, with the utmost vivacity, 'His name was Nash, and 
an impudent dog he was.' This repartee, so unexpected and 
just, raised such an universal laugh at the aggressor, that 
all his assurance was insufficient to support him under 
their derision; so that, after he had endeavoured to compose 
himself, by taking snuff, and forcing a smile, he was 
obliged to sneak off in a very ludicrous attitude; while my 
dulcinea was applauded to the skies for the brilliancy of 
her wit, and her acquaintance immediately courted by the 
best people of both sexes in the room. This event, with 
which I was infinitely pleased at first, did not fail of 
alarming me, upon further reflection, when I considered, 
that the more she was caressed by persons of distinction, 
the more her pride would be inflamed, and consequently the 
obstacles to my success multiplied and enlarged. Nor were my 
presaging fears untrue. That very night I perceived her a 
little intoxicated with the incense she had received; and 
though she still behaved with a particular civility to me, I 
foresaw that, as soon as her fortune should be known, she 
would be surrounded with a swarm of admirers, some of whom 
might possibly, by excelling me in point of wealth, or in 
the arts of flattery and scandal, supplant me in her esteem, 
and find means to make the mother of his party. I resolved 
therefore to lose no time, and being invited to spend the 
evening with them, found an opportunity, in spite of the old 
gentlewoman's vigilance, to explain the meaning of my 
glances in the coach, by paying homage to her wit, and 
professing myself enamoured of her person. She blushed at my 
declaration, and in a favourable manner disapproved of the 
liberty I had taken, putting me in mind of our being 
strangers to each other, and desiring I would not be the 
means of interrupting our acquaintance by any such 
unseasonable strokes of gallantry for the future. My ardour 
was effectually checked by this reprimand, which was, 
however, delivered in such a gentle manner that I had no 
cause to be disobliged; and the arrival of her mother 
relieved me from a dilemma in which I should not have known 
how to demean myself a minute longer. Neither could I resume 
the easiness of carriage with which I came in. My mistress 
acted on the reserve, and the conversation beginning to 
flag, the old lady introduced her kinswoman of the house, 
and proposed a hand at whist.
While we amused ourselves at this diversion, I understood 
from the gentlewoman that there was to be an assembly next 
night, at which I begged to have the honour of dancing with 
Miss. She thanked me for the favour I intended her, assured 
me she never did dance, but signified a desire of seeing the 
company; when I offered my service, which was accepted; not 
a little proud of being exempted from appearing with her in 
a situation that, notwithstanding my profession to the 
contrary, was not at all agreeable to my inclination.
Having supped, and continued the game, till such time as the 
successive yawns of the mother warned me to be gone, I took 
my leave, and went home, where I made Strap very happy with 
an account of my progress. Next day, I put on my gayest 
apparel, and went to drink tea at Mrs Snapper's according to 
appointment, when I found, to my inexpressible satisfaction, 
that she was laid up with the toothache, and that Miss was 
to be entrusted to my care. Accordingly, we set out for the 
ball-room pretty early in the evening, and took possession 
of a commodious place, where we had not sat longer than a 
quarter of an hour, when a gentleman dressed in a green 
frock came in, leading a young lady, whom I immediately 
discovered to be the adorable Narcissa! Good Heaven! what 
were the thrillings of my soul at that instant! my 
reflection was overwhelmed with a torrent of agitation! my 
heart throbbed with surprising violence! a sudden mist 
overspread my eyes! my ears were invaded with a dreadful 
sound! I paused for want of breath, and, in short, was for 
some moments entranced! This first tumult subsiding, a crowd 
of flattering ideas rushed upon my imagination. Everything 
that was soft, sensible, and engaging in the character of 
that dear creature, recurred to my remembrance, and every 
favourable circumstance of my own qualifications appeared in 
all the aggravation of self-conceit, to heighten my 
expectation! Neither was this transport of long duration. 
The dread of her being already disposed of intervened, and 
overcast my enchanting reverie! My presaging apprehension 
represented her encircled in the arms of some happy rival, 
and of consequence for ever lost to me! I was stung with 
this suggestion, and believing the person who conducted her 
to be the husband of this amiable young lady, already 
devoted him to my fury, and stood up to mark him for my 
vengeance; when I recollected, to my unspeakable joy, her 
brother, the fox-hunter, in the person of her gallant. 
Undeceived so much to my satisfaction in this particular, I 
gazed, in a frenzy of delight, on the irresistible charms of 
his sister, who no sooner distinguished me in the crowd, 
than her evident confusion afforded a happy omen to my 
flame. At sight of me she startled, the roses instantly 
vanished from her polished cheeks, and returned in a moment 
with a double glow that overspread her lovely neck, while 
her enchanting bosom heaved with strong emotion. I hailed 
these favourable symptoms, and, lying in wait for her looks, 
did homage with my eyes. She seemed to approve my 
declaration, by the complacency of her aspect; and I was so 
transported with her discovery, that more than once I was on 
the point of making up to her to disclose the throbbings of 
my heart in person, had not that profound veneration which 
her presence always inspired, restrained the unseasonable 
impulse. All my powers being engrossed in this manner, it 
may easily be imagined how ill I entertained Miss Snapper, 
on whom I could not now turn my eyes without making 
comparisons very little to her advantage. It was not even in 
my power to return distinct answers to the questions she 
asked from time to time, so that she could not help 
observing my absence of mind; and having a turn for 
observation, watched my glances, and tracing them to the 
divine object, discovered the cause of my disorder. That she 
might, however, be convinced of the truth of her conjecture, 
she began to interrogate me with regard to Narcissa, and, 
notwithstanding all my endeavours to disguise my sentiments, 
perceived my attachment by my confusion. Upon which she 
assumed a stateliness of behaviour, and sat silent during 
the remaining part of the entertainment. At any other time, 
her suspicion would have alarmed me; but now I was elevated 
by my passion above every other consideration. The mistress 
of my soul having retired with her brother, I discovered so 
much uneasiness at my situation, that Miss Snapper proposed 
to go home, and while I conducted her to a chair, told me 
she had too great a regard for me to keep me any longer in 
torment. I feigned ignorance of her meaning, and having seen 
her safely at her lodgings, took my leave, and went home in 
an ecstasy, where I disclosed everything that had happened 
to my confidant and humble servant Strap, who did not relish 
the accident so well as I expected, and observed that a bird 
in hand is worth two in the bush. 'But however,' said he, 
'you know best - you know best.' Next day, as I went to the 
Pump-room, in hopes of seeing or hearing some tidings of my 
fair enslaver, I was met by a gentlewoman, who having looked 
hard at me, cried, 'O Christ! Mr Random!' Surprised at this 
exclamation, I examined the countenance of the person who 
spoke, and immediately recognized my old sweetheart and 
fellow-sufferer, Miss Williams.
I was mightily pleased to find this unfortunate woman under 
such a decent appearance, professed my joy at seeing her so 
well, and desired to know where I should have the pleasure 
of her conversation. She was as heartily rejoiced at the 
apparent easiness of my fortune, and gave me to know that 
she, as yet, had no habitation that she could properly call 
her own, but would wait on me at any place I should please 
to appoint. Understanding that she was unengaged for the 
present, I showed her the way to my own lodgings, where, 
after a very affectionate salutation, she informed me of her 
being very happy in the service of a young lady to whom she 
was recommended by a former mistress deceased, into whose 
family she had recommended herself by the honest deceit she 
had concerted while she lived with me in the garret at 
London. She then expressed a vehement desire to be 
acquainted with the vicissitudes of my life since we parted, 
and excused her curiosity on account of the concern she had 
for my interest. I forthwith gratified her request, and when 
I described my situation in Sussex, perceived her to attend 
to my story with particular eagerness. She interrupted me 
when I had finished that period with, 'Good God! is it 
possible!' - and then begged I would be so good as to 
continue my relation; which I did as briefly as I could, 
burning with impatience to know the cause of her surprise, 
about which I had already formed a very interesting 
conjecture. When I had brought my adventures down to the 
present day, she seemed very much affected with the 
different circumstances of my fortune; and saying with a 
smile, she believed my distresses were now at a period, 
proceeded to inform me, that the lady whom she served was no 
other than the charming Narcissa, who had honoured her with 
her confidence for some time; in consequence of which trust, 
she had often repeated the story of John Brown, with great 
admiration and regard; that she loved to dwell upon the 
particulars of his character, and did not scruple to own a 
tender approbation of his flame. I became delirious at this 
piece of intelligence, strained Miss Williams in my embrace, 
called her the angel of my happiness, and acted such 
extravagances, that she might have been convinced of my 
sincerity, had she not been satisfied of my honour before. 
As soon as I was in condition to yield attention, she 
described the present situation of her mistress, who had no 
sooner reached her lodgings the night before, than she 
closeted her, and, in a rapture of joy, gave her to know 
that she had seen me at the ball, where I appeared in the 
character which she always thought my due, with such 
advantages of transformation, that unless my image had been 
engraven on her heart, it would have been impossible to know 
me for the person who had worn her aunt's livery; that, by 
the language of my eyes, she was assured of the continuance 
of my passion for her, and consequently of my being 
unengaged to any other; and that, though she did not doubt I 
would speedily fall upon some method of being introduced, 
she was so impatient to hear of me, that she (Miss Williams) 
had been sent abroad this very morning, on purpose to learn 
the name and character I at present bore. My bosom had been 
hitherto a stranger to such a flood of joy as now rushed 
upon it. My faculties were overborne by the tide. It was 
some time before I could open my mouth, and much longer ere 
I could utter a coherent sentence. At length, I fervently 
requested her to lead me immediately to the object of my 
adoration. But she resisted my importunity, and explained 
the danger of such premature conduct. 'How favourable 
soever,' said she, 'my lady's inclination towards you may 
be, you may depend upon it, she will not commit the smallest 
trespass on decorum, either in disclosing her own, or in 
receiving a declaration of your passion; and although the 
great veneration I have for you has prompted me to reveal 
what she communicated to me in confidence, I know so well 
the severity of her sentiments with respect to the 
punctilios of her sex, that, if she could learn the least 
surmise of it, she would not only dismiss me as a wretch 
unworthy of her benevolence, but also for ever shun the 
efforts of your love.' I assented to the justness of her 
remonstrance, and desired she would assist me with her 
advice and direction. Upon which, it was concerted between 
us that, for the present, I should be contented with her 
telling Narcissa that, in the course of her inquiries, she 
could only learn my name; and that if, in a day or two, I 
could fall upon no other method of being introduced to her 
mistress, she would deliver a letter from me, on pretence of 
consulting her happiness; and say that I met her in the 
streets, and bribed her to this piece of service. Matters 
being thus adjusted, I kept my old acquaintance to 
breakfast, and learned, from her conversation, that my 
rival, Sir Timothy, had drunk himself into an apoplexy, of 
which he died five months ago; that the savage was still 
unmarried; and that his aunt had been seized with a whim 
which he little expected, and chosen the schoolmaster of the 
parish for her lord and husband; but matrimony not agreeing 
with her constitution, she had been hectic and dropsical a 
good while, and was now at Bath, in order to drink the 
waters for the recovery of her health; that her niece had 
accompanied her thither at her request, and attended her 
with the same affection as before, notwithstanding the 
mistake she had committed; and that her nephew, who had been 
exasperated at the loss of her fortune, did not give his 
attendance out of good-will, but purely to have an eye on 
his sister, lest she should likewise throw herself away, 
without his consent or approbation. Having enjoyed ourselves 
in this manner, and made an assignation to meet next day at 
a certain place, Miss Williams took her leave; and Strap's 
looks being very inquisitive about the nature of the 
communication subsisting between us, I made him acquainted 
with the whole affair, to his great astonishment and 
satisfaction.



Chapter 56

In the afternoon I drank tea at the house of Mr Freeman, to 
whom I had been recommended by Banter; where I had not sat 
five minutes till the fox-hunter came in, and by his 
familiar behaviour appeared to be intimate with my friend. I 
was at first under some concern, lest he should recollect my 
features; but when I found myself introduced to him as a 
gentleman from London, without being discovered, I blessed 
the opportunity that brought me into his company, hoping 
that, in the course of our acquaintance, he would invite me 
to his house. Nor were my hopes frustrated; for, as we spent 
the evening together, he grew extremely fond of my 
conversation, asked a great many childish questions about 
France and foreign parts; and seemed so highly entertained 
with my answers, that, in his cups, he shook me often by the 
hand, pronounced me an honest fellow, and, in fine, desired 
our company at dinner next day in his own house. My 
imagination was so much employed in anticipating the 
happiness I was to enjoy next day, that I slept very little 
that night; but rising early in the morning, went to the 
place appointed, where I met my she-friend, and imparted to 
her my success with the squire. She was very much pleased at 
the occasion, which, she said, could not fail of being 
agreeable to Narcissa, who, in spite of her passion for me, 
had mentioned some scruples relating to my true situation 
and character, which the delicacy of her sentiments 
suggested, and which she believed I would find it necessary 
to remove, though she did not know how. I was a good deal 
startled at this insinuation, because I foresaw the 
difficulty I should find in barely doing myself justice; 
for, although it never was my intention to impose myself 
upon any woman, much less on Narcissa, as a man of fortune, 
I laid claim to the character of a gentleman, by birth, 
education, and behaviour; and yet, so unlucky had the 
circumstances of my life fallen out, I should find it a very 
hard matter to make good my pretensions even to these, 
especially to the last, which was the most essential. Miss 
Williams was as sensible as I of this my disadvantage, but 
comforted me with observing, that when once a woman had 
bestowed her affections on a man, she cannot help judging of 
him in all respects with a partiality easily influenced in 
his favour. She remarked, that although some situations of 
my life had been low, yet none of them had been infamous; 
that my indigence had been the crime not of me, but of 
fortune; and that the miseries I had undergone, by improving 
the faculties both of mind and body, qualified me the more 
for any dignified station, and would of consequence 
recommend me to the good graces of any sensible woman. She 
therefore advised me to be always open and unreserved to the 
inquiries of my mistress, without unnecessarily betraying 
the meanest occurrences of my fate, and trust to the 
strength of her love and reflection for the rest. The 
sentiments of this sensible young woman, on this as well as 
on almost every other subject, perfectly agreed with mine; I 
thanked her for the care she took of my interests, and 
promising to behave myself according to her direction, we 
parted, after she had assured me that I might depend upon 
her best offices with her mistress, and that she would from 
time to time communicate to me such intelligence as she 
should procure relating to my flame. Having dressed myself 
to the best advantage, I waited for the time of dinner with 
the most fearful impatience; and as the hour drew nigh, my 
heart beat with such increased velocity, and my spirits 
contracted such disorder, that I began to suspect my 
resolution, and even to wish myself disengaged. At last Mr 
Freeman called at my lodgings in his way, and I accompanied 
him to the house where all my happiness was deposited. We 
were very kindly received by the squire, who sat smoking his 
pipe in a parlour, and asked if we chose to drink anything 
before dinner. Though I never had more occasion for a 
cordial, I was ashamed to accept his offer, which was also 
refused by my friend. We sat down, however, and entered into 
conversation, which lasted half an hour, so that I had time 
to recollect myself; and, so capricious were my thoughts, 
even to hope that Narcissa would not appear - when all of a 
sudden, a servant coming in, gave us notice that dinner was 
upon the table - and my perturbation returned with such 
violence, that I could scarce conceal it from the company as 
I ascended the staircase. When I entered the dining-room, 
the first object that saluted my ravished eyes was the 
divine Narcissa, blushing like Aurora, adorned with all the 
graces that meekness, innocence, and beauty can diffuse! I 
was seized with a giddiness, my knees tottered, and I scarce 
had strength enough to perform the ceremony of salutation, 
when her brother, slapping me on the shoulder, cried, 
'Measter Randan, that there is my sister.' I approached her 
with eagerness and fear; but in the moment of our embrace, 
my soul was agonized with rapture! It was a lucky 
circumstance for us both, that my entertainer was not endued 
with an uncommon stock of penetration; for our mutual 
confusion was so manifest, that Mr Freeman perceived it, and 
as we went home together, congratulated me on my good 
fortune. But so far was Bruin from entertaining the least 
suspicion, that he encouraged me to begin a conversation 
with my mistress in a language unknown to him, by telling 
her that he had brought a gentleman who could jabber with 
her in French and other foreign lingos, as fast as she 
pleased; then turning to me, said, 'Odds bobs! I wish you 
would hold discourse with her in your French or Italiano, 
and tell me if she understands it as well as she would be 
thought to do there's her aunt and she will chatter together 
whole days in it, and I can't have a mouthful of English for 
love or money.' I consulted the look of my amiable mistress, 
and found her averse to his proposal, which she declined 
with a sweetness of denial peculiar to herself, as a piece 
of disrespect to that part of the company which did not 
understand the language in question. As I had the happiness 
of sitting opposite to her, I feasted my eyes much more than 
my palate, which she tempted in vain with the most delicious 
bits carved by her fair hand, and recommended by her 
persuasive tongue; but all my other appetites were swallowed 
up in the immensity of my love, which I fed by gazing 
incessantly on the delightful object. Dinner was scarce 
ended, when the squire became very drowsy, and, after 
several dreadful yawns, got up, stretched himself, took two 
or three turns across the room, begged we would allow him to 
take a short nap, and having laid a strong injunction on his 
sister to detain us till his return, went to his repose 
without further ceremony. He had not been gone many minutes, 
when Freeman, guessing the situation of my heart, and 
thinking he could not do me a greater favour than to leave 
me alone with Narcissa, pretended to recollect himself all 
of a sudden, and starting up, begged the lady's pardon for 
half an hour, for he had luckily remembered an engagement of 
some consequence that he must perform at that instant; so 
saying, he took his leave, promising to come back time 
enough for tea, leaving my mistress and me in great 
confusion. Now that I enjoyed an opportunity of disclosing 
the pantings of my soul, I had not the power to use it. I 
studied many pathetic declarations, but when I attempted to 
give them utterance, my tongue denied its office; and she 
sat silent, with a downcast look, full of anxious alarm, her 
bosom heaving with expectation of some great event. At 
length I endeavoured to put an end to this solemn pause, and 
began with, 'It is very surprising, madam ' Here the sound 
dying away, I made a full stop - while Narcissa starting, 
blushed, and, with a timid accent, answered, 'Sir?' 
Confounded at this note of interrogation, I pronounced, with 
the most sheepish bashfulness, 'Madam!' To which she 
replied, 'I beg pardon - I thought you had spoke to me.' 
Another pause ensued - I made another effort; and though my 
voice faltered very much at the beginning, made shift to 
express myself in this manner: 'I say, madam, 'tis very 
surprising that love should act so inconsistent with itself, 
as to deprive its votaries of the use of their faculties 
when they have most need of them. Since the happy occasion 
of being alone with you presented itself, I had made many 
unsuccessful attempts to declare a passion for the loveliest 
of her sex - a passion which took possession of my soul, 
while my cruel fate compelled me to wear a servile disguise 
so unsuitable to my birth, sentiments, and, let me add, my 
deserts; yet favourable in one respect, as it furnished me 
with opportunities of seeing and adoring your perfections. 
Yes, madam, it was then your dear idea entered my bosom, 
where it has lived unimpaired in the midst of numberless 
cares, and animated me against a thousand dangers and 
calamities.' While I spoke thus, she concealed her face with 
her fan, and when I ceased speaking, recovering herself from 
the most beautiful confusion, told me, she thought herself 
very much obliged by my favourable opinion of her, and that 
she was very sorry to hear I had been unfortunate. 
Encouraged by this gentle reply, I proceeded, owned myself 
sufficiently recompensed by her kind compassion for what I 
had undergone, and declared that the future happiness of my 
life depended solely upon her. 'Sir,' said she, 'I should be 
very ungrateful, if, after the signal protection you once 
afforded me, I should refuse to contribute towards your 
happiness, in any reasonable condescension.' Transported at 
this acknowledgment, I threw myself at her feet, and begged 
she would regard my passion with a favourable eye. She was 
alarmed at my behaviour, entreated me to rise, lest her 
brother should discover me in that posture, and to spare 
her, for the present, upon a subject for which she was 
altogether unprepared. In consequence of this remonstrance, 
I rose, assuring her I would rather die than disobey her; 
but in the meantime begged her to consider how precious the 
minutes of this opportunity were, and what restraint I put 
upon my inclinations in sacrificing them to her desire. She 
smiled with unspeakable sweetness, and said there would be 
no want of opportunities, provided I could maintain the good 
opinion her brother had conceived of me; and I, enchanted by 
her charms, seized her hand, which I well-nigh devoured with 
kisses. But she checked my boldness with a severity of 
countenance, and desired I would not so far forget myself to 
her as to endanger the esteem she had for me; she reminded 
me of our being almost strangers to each other, and of the 
necessity there was for her knowing me better before she 
could take any resolution in my favour; and, in short, 
mingled so much good sense and complacency in her reproof, 
that I became as much enamoured of her understanding, as I 
had been before of her beauty, and asked pardon for my 
presumption with the utmost reverence of conviction. She 
forgave my offence with her usual affability; and sealed my 
pardon with a look so full of bewitching tenderness, that 
for some minutes my senses were lost in ecstasy! I 
afterwards endeavoured to regulate my behaviour according to 
her desire, and turn the conversation upon a more 
indifferent subject. But her presence was an insurmountable 
obstacle to my design; while I beheld so much excellence, I 
found it impossible to call my attention from the 
contemplation of it! I gazed with unutterable fondness! I 
grew mad with admiration! 'My condition is insupportable!' 
cried I, 'I am distracted with passion! Why are you so 
exquisitely fair? Why are you so enchantingly good? Why has 
nature dignified you with charms so much above the standard 
of women? and, wretch that I am, how dares my unworthiness 
aspire to the enjoyment of such perfection?'
She was startled at my ravings, reasoned down my transport, 
and by her irresistible eloquence soothed my soil into a 
state of tranquil felicity; but, lest I might suffer a 
relapse, industriously promoted other subjects to entertain 
my imagination. She chid me for having omitted to inquire 
about her aunt, who, she assured me, in the midst of all her 
absence of temper, and detachment from common affairs, often 
talked of me with uncommon warmth. I professed my veneration 
for the good lady, excused my omission, by imputing it to 
the violence of my love, which engrossed my whole soul, and 
desired to know the situation of her health. Upon which the 
amiable Narcissa repeated what I had heard before, of her 
marriage, with all the tenderness for her reputation that 
the subject would admit of; told me she lived with her 
husband hard by, and was so much afflicted with the dropsy, 
and wasted by a consumption, that she had small hopes of her 
recovery. Having expressed my sorrow for her distemper, I 
questioned her about my good friend Mrs Sagely, who I 
learned, to my great satisfaction, was still in good health, 
and who had, by the encomiums she bestowed upon me after I 
was gone, confirmed the favourable impressions my behaviour 
at parting had made on Narcissa's heart. The circumstance 
introduced an inquiry into the conduct of Sir Timothy 
Thicket, who, she informed me, had found means to incense 
her brother so much against me, that she found it impossible 
to undeceive him; but, on the contrary, suffered very much 
in her own character by his scandalous insinuations; that 
the whole parish was alarmed, and actually in pursuit of me, 
so that she had been in the utmost consternation upon my 
account, well knowing how little my own innocence, and her 
testimony, would have weighed with the ignorance, prejudice, 
and brutality of those who must have judged me, had I been 
apprehended. That Sir Timothy, having been seized with a fit 
of apoplexy, from which, with great difficulty, he was 
recovered, began to be apprehensive of death, and to prepare 
himself accordingly for that great event; as a step to which 
he sent for her brother, owned, with great contrition, the 
brutal design he had upon her, and, of consequence, 
acquitted me of the assault, robbery, and correspondence 
with her, which he laid to my charge; after which 
confession, he lived about a month in a languishing 
condition, and was carried off by a second assault.
Every word that this dear creature spoke, riveted the chains 
with which she held me enslaved. My mischievous fancy began 
to work, and the tempest of my passion to wake again, when 
the return of Freeman destroyed the tempting opportunity, 
and enabled me to quell the rising tumult. A little while 
after, the squire staggered into the room, rubbing his eyes, 
and called for his tea, which he drank out of a small bowl, 
qualified with brandy, while we took it in the usual way. 
Narcissa left us in order to visit her aunt; and when 
Freeman and I proposed to take our leave, the fox-hunter 
insisted on our spending the evening at his house with such 
obstinacy of affection, that we were obliged to comply. For 
my own part, I should have been glad of the invitation, by 
which, in all likelihood, I should be blessed with more of 
his sister's company, had I not been afraid of risking her 
esteem, by entering into a debauch of drinking with him, 
which, from the knowledge of his character, I foresaw would 
happen; but there was no remedy. I was forced to rely upon 
the strength of my constitution, which I hoped would resist 
intoxication longer than the squire's, and to trust to the 
good-nature and discretion of my mistress for the rest.
Our entertainer, resolving to begin by times, ordered the 
table to be furnished with liquor and glasses immediately 
after tea; but we absolutely refused to set in for drinking 
so soon, and prevailed upon him to pass away an hour or two 
at whist, in which we engaged as soon as Narcissa returned. 
The savage and I happened to be partners at first; and as my 
thoughts were wholly employed in a more interesting game, I 
played so ill, that he lost all patience, swore bitterly, 
and threatened to call for wine if they would not grant him 
another associate. This desire was gratified, and Narcissa 
and I were of a side; he won, for the same reason that made 
him lose before. I was satisfied; my lovely partner did not 
repine; and the time slipped away very agreeably, until we 
were told that supper was served in another room.
The squire was enraged to find the evening so unprofitably 
spent, and wreaked his vengeance on the cards, which he 
tore, and committed to the flames with many execrations, 
threatening to make us redeem our loss with a large glass, 
and quick circulation; and, indeed, we had no sooner supped, 
and my charmer withdrawn, than he began to put his threats 
in execution. Three bottles of port (for he drank no other 
sort of wine) were placed before us, with as many water-
glasses, which were immediately filled to the brim, after 
his example, by each, out of his respective allowance, and 
emptied in a trice, to the best in Christendom. Though I 
swallowed this and the next as fast as the glass could be 
replenished, without hesitation or show of reluctance, I 
perceived that my brain would not be able to bear many 
bumpers of this sort; and, dreading the perseverance of a 
champion who began with such vigour, I determined to make up 
for the deficiency of my strength by a stratagem, which I 
actually put in practice when the second course of bottles 
was called for. The wine being strong and heady, I was 
already a good deal discomposed by the dispatch we had made, 
Freeman's eyes began to reel, and Bruin himself was elevated 
into a song, which he uttered with great vociferation. When 
I, therefore, saw the second round brought in, I assumed a 
gay air, entertained him with a French catch on the subject 
of drinking, which, though he did not understand it, 
delighted him highly, and telling him that your choice 
spirits at Paris never troubled themselves with glasses, 
asked if he had not a bowl or cup in the house that could 
contain a whole quart of wine. 'Odds niggers!' cried he, 'I 
have a silver caudle cup that holds just the quantity, for 
all the world - fetch it hither, Numps.' The vessel being 
produced, I bade him decant his bottle into it, which he 
having done, I nodded in a very deliberate manner, and said, 
'Pledge you.' He stared at me for some time, and crying, 
'What! all at one pull, Measter Randan!' I answered, 'At one 
pull, sir; you are no milk-sop - so shall do you justice.' 
'Shall you?' said he, shaking me by the hand; 'odds then, 
I'll see it out, an't were a mile to the bottom. Here's to 
our better acquaintance, Measter Randan'; so saying, he 
applied it to his lips, and emptied it in a breath. I knew 
the effect of it would be almost instantaneous; therefore, 
taking the cup, began to discharge my bottle into it, 
telling him he was now qualified to drink with the Cham of 
Tartary. I had no sooner pronounced these words, than he 
took umbrage at them, and after several attempts to spit, 
made shift to stutter out, 'A f-t for your Chams of T-
Tartary! - I am a f-f-free-born Englishman, worth th-three 
thousand a year, and v-value no man, damme!' Then, dropping 
his jaw, and fixing his eyes, he hiccuped aloud, and fell 
upon the floor as mute as a flounder. Mr Freeman, heartily 
glad at his defeat, assisted me in carrying him to bed, 
where we left him to the care of his servants, and went home 
to our respective habitations, congratulating each other on 
our good fortune.



Chapter 57

I was met next morning, at the usual place, by Miss 
Williams, who gave me joy of the progress I had made in the 
affection of her mistress, and blessed me with an account of 
that dear creature's conversation with her, after she had 
retired the night before from our company. I could scarce 
believe her information, when she recounted her expressions 
in my favour, so much more warm and passionate were they 
than my most sanguine hopes had presaged; and was 
particularly pleased to hear that she approved of my 
behaviour to her brother after she withdrew. Transported at 
the news of my happiness, I presented my ring to the 
messenger, as a testimony of my gratitude and satisfaction; 
but she was above such mercenary considerations, and refused 
my compliment with some resentment, saying she was not a 
little mortified to see my opinion of her so low and 
contemptible. I did myself a piece of justice by explaining 
my behaviour on this head, and, to convince her of my 
esteem, promised to be ruled by her directions in the 
prosecution of the whole affair, which I had so much at 
heart, that the repose of my life depended upon the 
consequence.
As I fervently wished for another interview, where I might 
pour out the effusions of my love without danger of being 
interrupted, and perhaps reap some endearing return from the 
queen of my desires, I implored her advice and assistance in 
promoting this event. But she gave me to understand that 
Narcissa would make no precipitate compliances of this kind, 
and that I would do well to cultivate her brother's 
acquaintance, in the course of which I should not want 
opportunities of removing that reserve which my mistress 
thought herself obliged to maintain during the infancy of 
our correspondence. In the meantime she promised to tell her 
lady that I had endeavoured, by presents and persuasions, to 
prevail upon her (Miss Williams) to deliver a letter from 
me, which she had refused to charge herself with, until she 
would know Narcissa's sentiments of the matter; and said, by 
these means she did not doubt of being able to open a 
literary communication between us, which could not fail of 
introducing more intimate connections.
I approved of her counsel, and our appointment being renewed 
for next day, left her with an intent of falling upon some 
method of being reconciled to the squire, who, I supposed, 
would be offended with the trick we had put upon him. With 
this view, I consulted Freeman, who, from his knowledge of 
the fox-hunter's disposition, assured me there was no other 
method of pacifying him, than that of sacrificing ourselves, 
for one night, to an equal match with him in drinking. This 
expedient I found myself necessitated to comply with, for 
the interest of my passion, and therefore determined to 
commit the debauch at my own lodgings, that I might run no 
risk of being discovered by Narcissa in a state of brutal 
degeneracy. Mr Freeman, who was to be of the party, went at 
my desire to the squire, in order to engage him, while I 
took care to furnish myself for his reception. My invitation 
was accepted, my guests honoured me with their company in 
the evening, when Bruin gave me to understand that he had 
drank many tuns of wine in his life, but was never served 
such a trick as I had played upon him the night before. I 
promised to atone for my trespass, and having ordered to 
every man his bottle, began the contest with a bumper to the 
health of Narcissa. The toasts circulated with great 
devotion, the liquor began to operate, our mirth grew noisy, 
and as Freeman and I had the advantage of drinking small 
French claret, the savage was effectually tamed before our 
senses were in the least affected, and carried home in an 
apoplexy of drunkenness.
I was next morning, as usual, favoured with a visit from my 
kind and punctual confidante, who telling me she was 
permitted to receive my letters for her mistress, I took up 
the pen immediately, and following the first dictates of my 
passion, wrote as follows:

"DEAR MADAM - Were it possible for the powers of utterance 
to reveal the soft emotions of my soul; the fond anxiety, 
the glowing hopes, the chilling fears, that rule my breast 
by turns; I should need no other witness than this paper, to 
evince the purity and ardour of that flame your charms have 
kindled in my heart. But, alas! expression wrongs my love! I 
am inspired with conceptions that no language can convey! 
Your beauty fills me with wonder! your understanding with 
ravishment, and your goodness with adoration! I am 
transported with desire, distracted with doubts, and 
tortured with impatience! Suffer me then, lovely arbitress 
of my fate, to approach you in person, to breathe in soft 
murmurs my passion to your ear, to offer the sacrifice of a 
heart overflowing with the most genuine and disinterested 
love; to gaze with ecstasy on the divine object of my 
wishes, to hear the music of her enchanting tongue; and to 
rejoice in her smile of approbation, which will banish the 
most intolerable suspense from the bosom of,
"Your enraptured
"R-- R--."

Having finished this effusion, I committed it to the care of 
my faithful friend, with an injunction to second my entreaty 
with all her eloquence and influence; and in the meantime 
went to dress, with an intention of visiting Mrs Snapper and 
Miss, whom I had utterly neglected, and indeed almost 
forgot, since my dear Narcissa had resumed the empire of my 
soul. The old gentlewoman received me very kindly, and Miss 
affected a frankness and gaiety, which, however, I could 
easily perceive were forced and dissembled; among other 
things, she pretended to joke me upon my passion for 
Narcissa, which she averred was no secret, and asked if I 
intended to dance with her at the next assembly. I was a 
good deal concerned to find myself become the town-talk on 
this subject, lest the squire, having notice of my 
inclinations, should disapprove of them, and, by breaking 
off all correspondence with me, deprive me of the 
opportunities I now enjoyed. But I resolved to use the 
interest I had with him while it lasted; and that very night 
meeting him occasionally, asked his permission to solicit 
her company at the ball, which he very readily granted, to 
my inexpressible satisfaction. Having been kept awake the 
greatest part of the night by a thousand delightful reveries 
that took possession of my fancy, I got up by times, and 
flying to the place of rendezvous, had in a little time the 
pleasure of seeing Miss Williams approach with a smile on 
her countenance, which I interpreted into a good omen. 
Neither was I mistaken in my presage. She presented me with 
a letter from the idol of my soul, which, after having 
kissed it devoutly, I opened with the utmost eagerness, and 
was blessed with her approbation in these terms:

"SIR - To say I look upon you with indifference, would be a 
piece of dissimulation, which I think no decorum requires, 
and no custom can justify. As my heart never felt an 
impression that my tongue was ashamed to declare, I will not 
scruple to own myself pleased with your passion, confident 
of your integrity, and so well convinced of my own 
discretion, that I should not hesitate in granting you the 
interview you desire, were I not overawed by the prying 
curiosity of a malicious world, the censure of which might 
be fatally prejudicial to the reputation of
"YOUR NARCISSA"

No anchorite in the ecstasy of devotion ever adored a 
relique with more fervour than that with which I kissed this 
inimitable proof of my charmer's candour, generosity, and 
affection! I read it over an hundred times; was ravished 
with her confession in the beginning; but the subscription 
of "Your Narcissa" yielded me such delight as I had never 
felt before. My happiness was still increased by Miss 
Williams, who blessed me with a repetition of her lady's 
tender expressions in my favour, when she received and read 
my letter. In short, I had all the reason in the world to 
believe that this gentle creature's bosom was possessed by a 
passion for me, as warm, though perhaps not so impetuous, as 
mine for her.
I informed my friend of the squire's consent to my dancing 
with Narcissa at the ball, and desired her to tell her 
mistress that I would do myself the honour of visiting her 
in the afternoon, in consequence of his permission, when I 
hoped to find her as indulgent as her brother had been 
complaisant in that particular. Miss Williams expressed a 
good deal of joy at hearing I was so much in favour with the 
fox-hunter, and ventured to assure me that my visit would be 
very agreeable to my mistress, the rather, because Bruin was 
engaged to dine abroad. This was a circumstance which, I 
scarce need say, pleased me. I went immediately to the Long 
Room, where I found him, and affecting to know nothing of 
the engagement, told him I would do myself the pleasure to 
wait upon him in the afternoon, and to present his sister 
with a ticket for the ball. He shook me by the hand, 
according to custom, and giving me to understand that he was 
to dine abroad, desired me to go and drink tea with Narcissa 
notwithstanding, and promised to prepare her for my visit in 
the meantime.
Everything succeeding thus to my wish, I waited with 
incredible impatience for the time, which no sooner arrived 
than I hastened to the scene, which my fancy had preoccupied 
long before. I was introduced accordingly to the dear 
enchantress, whom I found accompanied by Miss Williams, who, 
on pretence of ordering tea, retired at my approach. This 
favourable accident, which alarmed my whole soul, disordered 
her also. I found myself actuated by an irresistible 
impulse; I advanced to her with eagerness and awe, and, 
profiting by the confusion that prevailed over her, clasped 
the fair angel in my arms, and imprinted a glowing kiss upon 
her lips, more soft and fragrant than the dewy rose-bud just 
bursting from the stem! Her face was in an instant covered 
with blushes - her eyes sparkled with resentment - I threw 
myself at her feet and implored her pardon. Her love became 
advocate in my cause; her look softened into forgiveness; 
she raised me up, and chid me with so much sweetness of 
displeasure, that I should have been tempted to repeat the 
offence, had not the coming in of a servant with the tea-
board prevented my presumption. While we were subject to be 
interrupted or overheard, we conversed about the approaching 
ball, at which she promised to grace me as a partner; but 
when the equipage was removed, and we were left alone, I 
resumed the more interesting theme, and expressed myself 
with such transport and agitation, that my mistress, fearing 
I would commit some extravagance, rung the bell for her 
maid, whom she detained in the room, as a check upon my 
vivacity. I was not sorry for this precaution, because I 
could unbosom myself without reserve before Miss Williams, 
who was the confidante of us both. I therefore gave a loose 
to the inspirations of my passion, which operated so 
successfully upon the tender affections of Narcissa, that 
she laid aside the constraint she had hitherto wore, and 
blessed me with the most melting declaration of her mutual 
flame! It was impossible for me to forbear taking the 
advantage of this endearing condescension. She now gently 
yielded to my embraces, while I, encircling all that I held 
dear within my arms, tasted in advance the joys of that 
paradise I hoped in a little time wholly to possess! We 
spent the afternoon in all the ecstasy of hope that the most 
fervent love, exchanged by mutual vows, could inspire; and 
Miss Williams was so much affected with our chaste caresses, 
which recalled the sad remembrance of what she was, that her 
eyes were filled with tears.
That evening being pretty far advanced, I forced myself from 
the dear object of my flame, who indulged me in a tender 
embrace at parting; and repairing to my lodgings, 
communicated to my friend Strap every circumstance of my 
happiness, which filled him with so much pleasure, that it 
ran over at his eyes; and he prayed heartily that no envious 
devil might, as formerly, dash the cup of blessing from my 
lip. When I reflected on what had happened, and especially 
on the unreserved protestations of Narcissa's love, I could 
not help being amazed at her omitting to inquire into the 
particular circumstances of the life and fortune of one whom 
she had favoured with her affection, and I began to be a 
little anxious about the situation of her finances, well 
knowing that I should do an irreparable injury to the person 
my soul held most dear, if I should espouse her without 
being able to support her in the rank which was certainly 
her due. I had heard indeed, while I served her aunt, that 
her father had left her a considerable sum; and that 
everybody believed she would inherit the greatest part of 
her kinswoman's dowry; but I did not know how far she might 
be restricted by the old gentleman's will, in the enjoyment 
of what he had left her; and I was too well informed of the 
virtuoso's late conduct, to think my mistress could have any 
expectations from that quarter. I confided, however, in the 
good sense and policy of my charmer, who, I was sure, would 
not consent to unite her fate with mine before she had fully 
considered and provided for the consequence.
The ball-night being arrived, I dressed myself in a suit I 
had reserved for some grand occasion; and having drank tea 
with Narcissa and her brother, conducted my angel to the 
scene, where she in a moment eclipsed all her female 
competitors for beauty, and attracted the admiration of the 
whole assembly. My heart dilated with pride on this 
occasion, and my triumph rejected all bounds, when, after we 
had danced together, a certain nobleman, remarkable for his 
figure and influence in the beau monde, came up, and in the 
hearing of all present, honoured us with a very particular 
compliment upon our accomplishments and appearance. But this 
transport was soon checked, when I perceived his lordship 
attach himself with great assiduity to my mistress, and say 
some warm things, which, I thought, favoured too much of 
passion. It was then I began to feel the pangs of jealousy - 
I dreaded the power and address of my rival - I sickened at 
his discourse; when she opened her lips to answer, my heart 
died within me. When she smiled, I felt the pains of the 
damned! I was enraged at his presumption; I cursed her 
complaisance; at length he quitted her, and went to the 
other side of the room. Narcissa, suspecting nothing of the 
rage that inflamed me, put some questions to me as soon as 
he was gone, to which I made no reply, but assumed a grim 
look, which too well denoted the agitation of my breast, and 
surprised her not a little. She no sooner observed my 
emotion, than she changed colour, and asked what ailed me? 
but before I could make answer, her brother, pulling me by 
the sleeve, bade me take notice of a lady who sat fronting 
us, whom I immediately, to my vast astonishment, 
distinguished to be Melinda, accompanied by her mother, and 
an elderly gentleman, whom I did not know. 'Wounds! Mr 
Randan,' cried the squire, 'is she not a delicate piece of 
stuff? 'Sdeath! I have a good mind - if I thought she was a 
single person ' Notwithstanding the perplexity I was in, I 
had reflection enough to foresee that my passion might 
suffer greatly by the presence of this lady, who in all 
probability, would revenge herself upon me for having 
formerly disgraced her, by spreading reports to my 
prejudice. I was therefore alarmed at these symptoms of the 
squire's admiration; and for some time did not know what 
reply to make, when he asked my opinion of her beauty. At 
length I came to a determination, and told him that her name 
was Melinda, that she had a fortune of ten thousand pounds, 
and was said to be under promise of marriage to a certain 
lord, who deferred his nuptials a few months, until he 
should be of age. I thought this piece of intelligence, 
which I had myself invented, would have hindered him 
effectually from entertaining any further thoughts of her; 
but I was egregiously mistaken. The fox-hunter had too much 
self-sufficiency to despair of success against any 
competitor on earth. He therefore made light of her 
engagement, saying, with a smile of self approbation, 
'Mayhap she will change her mind - what signifies his being 
a lord? I think myself as good a man as e'er a lord in 
Christendom; - and I'll see if a commoner worth three 
thousand a year won't serve her turn.' This determination 
startled me not a little. I knew he would soon discover the 
contrary of what I advanced; and as I believed he would find 
her ear open to his addresses, did not doubt of meeting with 
every obstacle in my amour that her malice could invent and 
her influence execute. This reflection increased my chagrin. 
My vexation was evident. Narcissa insisted on going home 
immediately; and as I led her to the door, her noble 
admirer, with a look full of languishment, directed to her a 
profound bow, which stung me to the soul. Before she went 
into the chair, she asked, with an appearance of concern, 
what was the matter with me? and I could pronounce no more 
than, 'By heaven! I'm distracted.'



Chapter 58

Having uttered this exclamation, at which she sighed, I went 
home in the condition of a frantic bedlamite; and finding 
the fire in my apartment almost extinguished, vented my fury 
upon poor Strap, whose ear I pinched with such violence, 
that he roared hideously with pain, and, when I quitted my 
hold, looked so foolishly aghast, that no unconcerned 
spectator could have seen him without being seized with an 
immoderate fit of laughter. It is true, I was soon sensible 
of the injury I had done, and asked pardon for the outrage I 
had committed; upon which my faithful valet, shaking his 
head, said, 'I forgive you, and may God forgive you.' But he 
could not help shedding some tears at my unkindness. I felt 
unspeakable remorse for what I had done, cursed my own 
ingratitude, and considered his tears as a reproach that my 
soul, in her present disturbance, could not bear. It set all 
my passions into a ferment, I swore horrible oaths without 
meaning or application, I foamed at the mouth, kicked the 
chairs about the room, and played abundance of mad pranks, 
that frightened my friend almost out of his senses. At 
length my transport subsided, I became melancholy, and wept 
insensibly.
During this state of dejection, I was surprised with the 
appearance of Miss Williams, whom Strap, blubbering all the 
while, had conducted into the chamber, without giving me 
previous notice of her approach. She was extremely affected 
with my condition which she had learned from him, begged me 
to moderate my passion, suspend my conjectures, and follow 
her to Narcissa, who desired to see me forthwith. That dear 
name operated upon me like a charm! I started up, and 
without opening my lips, was conducted into her apartment 
through the garden, which we entered by a private door. I 
found the adorable creature in tears! - I was melted at the 
sight - we continued silent for some time - my heart was too 
full to speak - her snowy bosom heaved with fond resentment; 
at last she sobbing cried, 'What have I done to disoblige 
you?' My heart was pierced with the tender question! - I 
drew near with the utmost reverence of affection! - I fell 
upon my knees before her, and kissing her hand, exclaimed, 
'O! thou art all goodness and perfection! - I am undone by 
want of merit! - I am unworthy to possess thy charms, which 
Heaven hath destined for the arms of some more favoured 
being.' She guessed the cause of my disquiet, upbraided me 
gently for my suspicion, and gave me such flattering 
assurances of her eternal fidelity, that all my doubts and 
fears forsook me and peace and satisfaction reigned within 
my breast. At midnight I left the fair nymph to her repose, 
and being let out by Miss Williams, at the garden gate by 
which I entered, began to explore my way homeward in the 
dark, when I heard at my back a noise like that of a baboon 
when he mews and chatters. I turned instantly and perceiving 
something black, concluded I was discovered by some spy 
employed to watch for that purpose. Aroused at this 
conjecture, by which the reputation of the virtuous Narcissa 
appeared in jeopardy, I drew my sword, and would have 
sacrificed him to her fame, had not the voice of Strap 
restrained my arm. It was with great difficulty he could 
pronounce, 'D-d-do! mum-um-um-murder me, if you please.' 
Such an effect had the cold upon his jaws, that his teeth 
rattled like a pair of castanets. Pleased to be thus 
undeceived, I laughed at his consternation, and asked what 
brought him thither? Upon which he gave me to understand, 
that his concern for me had induced him to follow me to that 
place, where the same reason had detained him till now; and 
he frankly owned, that, in spite of the esteem he had for 
Miss Williams, he began to be very uneasy about me, 
considering the disposition in which I went abroad, and if I 
had staid much longer, would have certainly alarmed the 
neighbourhood in my behalf. The knowledge of this his 
intention confounded me! I represented to him the 
mischievous consequences that would have attended such a 
rash action, and cautioning him severely against any such 
design for the future, concluded my admonition with an 
assurance that, in case he should ever act so madly, I 
would, without hesitation, put him to death. 'Have a little 
patience,' cried he, in a lamentable tone, 'your displeasure 
will do the business, without your committing murder.' I was 
touched with this reproach; and, as soon as we got home, 
made it my business to appease him, by explaining the cause 
of that transport during which I had used him so unworthily.
Next day, when I went into the Long Room, I observed several 
whispers circulate all of a sudden, and did not doubt that 
Melinda had been busy with my character; but I consoled 
myself with the love of Narcissa, upon which I rested with 
the most perfect confidence, and going up to the rowly-powly 
table, won a few pieces from my suspected rival, who, with 
an easy politeness, entered into conversation with me, and 
desiring my company at the coffee-house, treated me with tea 
and chocolate. I remembered Strutwell, and guarded against 
his insinuating behaviour; nor was my suspicion wrong 
placed; he artfully turned the discourse upon Narcissa, and 
endeavoured, by hinting at an intrigue he pretended to be 
engaged in elsewhere, to learn what connection there was 
between her and me. But all his finesse was ineffectual; I 
was convinced of his dissimulation, and gave such general 
answers to his inquiries, that he was forced to drop the 
subject, and talk of something else.
While we conversed in this manner, the savage came in with 
another gentleman, who introduced him to his lordship; and 
he was received with such peculiar marks of distinction, 
that I was persuaded the courtier intended to use him in 
some shape or other; and from thence I drew an unlucky omen. 
But I had more cause to be dismayed the following day, when 
I saw the squire in company with Melinda and her mother, who 
honoured me with several disdainful glances; and when I 
afterwards threw myself in his way, instead of the cordial 
shake of the hand, he returned my salute with a cold 
repetition of 'Servant, servant'; which he pronounced with 
such indifference, or rather contempt, that, if he had not 
been Narcissa's brother, I should have affronted him in 
public.
These occurrences disturbed me not a little. I foresaw the 
brooding storm, and armed myself with resolution for the 
occasion; but Narcissa being at stake, I was far from being 
resigned. I could have renounced every other comfort of life 
with some degree of fortitude; but the prospect of losing 
her disabled all my philosophy, and tortured my soul into 
madness.
Miss Williams found me next morning full of anxious tumult, 
which did not abate when she told me that my Lord Quiverwit, 
having professed honourable intentions, had been introduced 
to my lovely mistress by her brother, who had, at the same 
time, from the information of Melinda, spoke of me as an 
Irish fortune-hunter, without either birth or estate; who 
supported myself in the appearance of a gentleman by 
sharping and other infamous practices; and who was of such 
an obscure origin, that I did not even know my own 
extraction. Though I expected all this malice, I could not 
hear it with temper, especially as truth was so blended with 
falsehood in the assertion, that it would be almost 
impossible to separate the one from the other in my 
vindication. But I said nothing on this head, being 
impatient to know how Narcissa had been affected with the 
discovery. That generous creature, far from believing these 
imputations, was no sooner withdrawn with her confidante, 
than she inveighed with great warmth against the malevolence 
of the world, to which only she ascribed the whole of what 
had been said to my disadvantage; and calling every 
circumstance of my behaviour to her into review before her, 
found everything so polite, honourable, and disinterested, 
that she could not harbour the least doubt of my being the 
gentleman I assumed. 'I have indeed,' said she, 'purposely 
forbore to ask the particulars of his life, lest the 
recapitulation of some misfortunes, which he has undergone, 
should give him pain: and, as to the article of his fortune, 
I own myself equally afraid of inquiring into it, and of 
discovering the situation of my own, lest we should find 
ourselves both unhappy in the explanation; for alas! my 
provision is conditional, and depends entirely on my 
marrying with my brother's consent.'
I was thunderstruck with this intelligence; the light 
forsook my eyes, the colour vanished from my cheeks, and I 
remained in a state of universal trepidation! My female 
friend perceiving my disorder, encouraged me with assurances 
of Narcissa's constancy, and the hope of some accident 
favourable to our love; and, as a further consolation, gave 
me to understand that she had acquainted my mistress with 
the outlines of my life; and that, although she was no 
stranger to the present low state of my finances, her love 
and esteem were rather increased than finished by the 
knowledge of my circumstances. I was greatly comforted by 
this assurance, which saved me a world of confusion and 
anxiety: for I must have imparted my situation one day to 
Narcissa: and this task I could not have performed without 
shame and disorder.
As I did not doubt that, by this time, the scandalous 
aspersions of Melinda were diffused all over the town, I 
resolved to collect my whole strength of assurance to 
browbeat the efforts of her malice, and to publish her 
adventure with the frenchified barber, by way of reprisal. 
In the meantime, having promised to be at the garden gate 
about midnight, Miss Williams took her leave, bidding me 
repose myself entirely on the affection of my dear Narcissa, 
which was as perfect as inviolable. Before I went abroad, I 
was visited by Freeman, who came on purpose to inform me of 
the infamous stories that were raised at my expense. I heard 
them with great temper, and in my turn disclosed everything 
that had happened between Melinda and me; and, among other 
circumstances, entertained him with the story of the barber, 
letting him know what share his friend Banter had in that 
affair: he was convinced of the injury my reputation had 
suffered, and no longer doubting the fountain from whence 
this deluge of slander had flowed upon me, undertook to 
undeceive the town in my behalf, and roll the stream back 
upon its source; but, in the meantime, cautioned me from 
appearing in public while the prepossession was so strong 
against me, lest I should meet with some affront that might 
have bad consequences.


Chapter 59

I thanked him for his advice, which, however, my pride and 
resentment would not permit me to follow; for he no sooner 
left me, in order to do justice to my character among his 
friends and acquaintances, than I sallied out, and went 
directly to the Long Room. I was met at the door by a 
servant, who presented to me a billet without a 
subscription, importing that my presence was disagreeable to 
the company, and desiring I would take the hint without 
further disturbance, and bestow myself elsewhere for the 
future. This peremptory message filled me with indignation. 
I followed the fellow who delivered it, and seizing him by 
the collar, in presence of all the company, threatened to 
put him instantly to death if he did not discover the 
scoundrel who had charged him with such an impudent 
commission, that I might punish him as he deserved. The 
messenger, affrighted at my menaces and furious looks, fell 
upon his knees, and told me that the gentleman who ordered 
him to deliver the letter was no other than Narcissa's 
brother, who, at that time, stood at the other end of the 
room, talking to Melinda. I went up to him immediately, and, 
in the hearing of his inamorata, accosted him in these 
words, 'Look'ee, squire, was it not for one consideration 
that protects you from my resentment, I could cane you where 
you stand, for having had the presumption to send me this 
scurrilous intimation'; which I tore to pieces and threw in 
his face; at the same time, darting an angry regard at his 
mistress, I told her I was sorry she had put it out of my 
power to compliment her upon her invention, but at the 
expense of her good nature and veracity. Her admirer, whose 
courage never rose but in proportion to the wine he had 
swallowed, instead of resenting my address in what is called 
an honourable way, threatened to prosecute me for an 
assault, and took witnesses accordingly; while she, piqued 
at his pusillanimous behaviour, and enraged at the sarcasm I 
had uttered against her, endeavoured to make her quarrel a 
public cause, and wept aloud with spite and vexation. The 
tears of a lady could not fail of attracting the notice and 
concern of the spectators, to whom she complained of my 
rudeness with great bitterness, saying, if she was a man, I 
durst not use her so. The greatest part of the gentlemen, 
already prejudiced against me, were offended at the liberty 
I had taken, as appeared from their looks; though none of 
them signified their disgust in any other way, except my 
Lord Quiverwit, who ventured to say, with a sneer, that I 
was in the right to establish my own character, of which he 
had now no longer any doubt. Nettled at this severe 
equivoque, which raised a laugh at my expense, I replied 
with some warmth, 'I am proud of having in that particular 
got the start of your lordship.' He made no answer to my 
repartee, but with a contemptuous smile, walked off, leaving 
me in a very disagreeable situation. In vain did I make up 
to several people of my acquaintance, whose conversation, I 
hoped, would banish my confusion; everybody shunned me like 
a person infected, and I should not have been able to bear 
my disgrace, had not the idea of the ever-faithful and fond 
Narcissa come to my relief. I quitted the scene of my 
mortification, and sauntering about the town, happened to 
wake from my contemplation, when I found myself just 
opposite to a toy-shop, which I entered, and purchased a 
ring set with a ruby in the form of a heart, surrounded by 
diamond sparks, for which I paid ten guineas, intending it 
for a present to the charmer of my soul.
I was introduced, at the hour appointed, to this divine 
creature, who, notwithstanding what she had heard to my 
disadvantage, received me with the utmost confidence and 
tenderness; and having been informed of the general sketches 
of my life by Miss Williams, expressed a desire of knowing 
the particular circumstances, which I related with great 
candour, omitting, however, some things, that I concluded 
altogether improper for her ear, and which the reader's 
reflection will easily suggest. As my story was little else 
than a recital of misfortunes, the tear of sympathy ceased 
not to trickle down her enchanting eyes during the whole of 
the narration, which when I had finished, she recompensed me 
for my trouble with the most endearing protestations of 
eternal love. She bewailed her restricted condition, as it 
was the means of retarding my happiness; told me that Lord 
Quiverwit, by her brother's permission, had been to drink 
tea with her that very afternoon, and actually proposed 
marriage; and seeing me extremely affected with this piece 
of information, offered to give me a convincing proof of her 
affection, by espousing me in private, and leaving the rest 
to fate. I was penetrated with this instance of her regard, 
but that I might not be outdone in generosity, resisted the 
bewitching temptation, in consideration of her honour and 
interest; at the same time, I presented my ring as a pledge 
of my inviolable attachment, and on my knees implored Heaven 
to shower its curses on my head, if ever my heart should 
entertain one thought unworthy of the passion I then avowed. 
She received my token, gave me in return her picture in 
miniature, exquisitely drawn, and set in gold; and in the 
same posture called Heaven to witness, and to judge her 
flame. Our vows being thus reciprocally breathed, a 
confidence of hope ensued, and our mutual fondness becoming 
as intimate as innocence would allow, I grew insensible of 
the progress of time, and it was morning before I could tear 
myself from this darling of my soul! - My good angel foresaw 
what would happen, and permitted me to indulge myself on 
this occasion, in consideration of the fatal absence I was 
doomed to suffer.
I went to bed immediately on my return to my lodging, and 
having slept about two hours, was waked by Strap, who, in 
great confusion, told me there was a footman below with a 
letter, which he would deliver to nobody but myself. Alarmed 
at this piece of news, I desired my friend to show him up to 
my chamber, and received the following letter, which, he 
said, required an immediate answer:

"SIR - When any man injures my honour, let the difference of 
rank between us be ever so great, I am contented to waive 
the privilege of my quality, and to seek reparation from him 
on equal terms. The insolence of your reply to me yesterday 
in the Long Room I might have overlooked, had not your 
presumptive emulation in a much more interesting affair, and 
a discovery which I made this morning, concurred in 
persuading me to chastise your audacity with my sword. If 
you, therefore, have spirit enough to support the character 
you assume, you will not fail to follow the bearer 
immediately to a convenient place, where you shall be met by
"QUIVERWIT"

Whether I was enervated by the love and favour of Narcissa, 
or awed by the superior station of my antagonist, I know 
not, but I never had less inclination to fight than at this 
time. However, finding there was a necessity for vindicating 
the reputation of my mistress, as well as for asserting my 
own honour, I forthwith rose, and dressing in a hurry, put 
on my sword, bade Strap attend me, and set out with my 
conductor, cursing my bad fortune all the way for having 
been observed in my return from my angel; for so I 
interpreted his lordship's discovery. When I came within 
sight of my rival, his lackey told me he had orders to stop; 
upon which, I commanded Strap to halt also, while I walked 
forward, resolving, if possible, to come to an explanation 
with my challenger before we should come to battle. Nor was 
an opportunity wanting; for I no sooner approached, than he 
asked, with a stern countenance, what business I had in Mr 
Topehall's garden so early in the morning?' 'I don't know, 
my lord,' said I, 'how to answer a question put to me with 
such magisterial haughtiness. If your lordship will please 
to expostulate calmly, you will have no cause to repent of 
your condescension; otherwise, I am not to be intimidated 
into any confession.' 'There is no room for denial,' 
answered he; 'I saw you come out with my own eyes.' 'Did any 
other person see me?' said I. 'I neither know nor care,' 
said he; 'I want no other evidence than that of my own 
senses.' Pleased to hear that the suspicion was confined to 
him alone, I endeavoured to appease his jealousy by owning 
an intrigue with the waiting-maid; but he had too much 
discernment to be so easily imposed upon, and told me there 
was only one way to convince him of the truth of what I 
alleged, which was no other than renouncing all claim to 
Narcissa upon oath, and promising, upon honour, never to 
speak to her for the future. Exasperated at this proposal, I 
unsheathed my sword, saying, 'Heavens! what title have you, 
or any man on earth, to impose such terms on me!' He did the 
same, and making towards me with a contracted brow, said I 
was a villain, and had dishonoured Narcissa. 'He's a 
scandalous villain,' I replied, in a transport of fury, 'who 
brands me with that imputation! She is a thousand times more 
chaste than the mother that bore you; and I will assert her 
honour with my heart's blood!' So saying, I rushed upon him 
with more eagerness than address, and endeavouring to get 
within his point, received a wound in my neck, which 
redoubled my rage. He excelled me in temper as well as in 
skill, by which means he parried my thrusts with great 
calmness, until I had almost exhausted my spirits; and when 
he perceived me beginning to flag, attacked me fiercely in 
his turn. Finding himself, however, better opposed than he 
expected, he resolved to follow his longe and close with me; 
accordingly, his sword entered my waistcoat, on the side of 
the breastbone, and running up between my shirt and skin, 
appeared over my shoulder. I imagined that his weapon had 
perforated my lungs, and, of consequence, that the wound was 
mortal; therefore, determined not to die unrevenged, I 
seized his shell, which was close to my breast, before he 
could disentangle his point, and keeping it fast with my 
left hand, shortened my own sword with my right, intending 
to run him through the heart; but he received the thrust in 
the left arm, which penetrated up to the shoulder-blade. 
Disappointed in this expectation, and afraid still that 
death would frustrate my revenge, I grappled with him, and, 
being much the stronger, threw him upon the ground, where I 
wrested his sword out of his hand; and so great was my 
confusion, instead of turning the point upon him, struck out 
three of his fore teeth with the hilt. In the meantime, our 
servants seeing us fall, ran up to separate and assist us; 
but, before their approach, I was upon my feet, and had 
discovered that my supposed mortal wound was only a slight 
scratch. The knowledge of my own safety disarmed me of a 
good deal of my resentment, and I began to inquire with some 
concern into the situation of my antagonist, who remained on 
the ground bleeding plentifully at his mouth and arm; I 
helped his footman to raise him, and having bound up his 
wound with my handkerchief, assured him it was not 
dangerous; I likewise restored his sword, and offered to 
support him to his house. He thanked me with an air of 
sullen dignity, and whispering that I should hear from him 
soon, went away, leaning on his servant's shoulder.
I was surprised at this promise, which I construed into a 
threat; and resolved, if ever he should call me out again, 
to use whatever advantage fortune might give me over him in 
another manner. In the meantime, I had leisure to take 
notice of Strap, who seemed quite stupefied with horror. I 
comforted him with an assurance that I had received no 
damage, and explained the nature of this affair as we walked 
homeward. By the time I had got into my apartment, I found 
the wound in my neck stiff and uneasy, and a good deal of 
clotted blood run down upon my shirt. Upon which, I pulled 
off my coat and waistcoat, and unbuttoned my collar, that I 
might dress it with more ease. My friend no sooner perceived 
my shirt quite dyed with blood, than imagining I had got at 
least twenty thousand wounds he cried, 'O Jesus!' and fell 
flat on the floor. I stopped the bleeding with a little dry 
lint, and applying a plaster over it, cleansed myself from 
the gore, shifted and dressed, while he lay senseless at my 
feet; so that, when he recovered, and saw me perfectly well, 
he could scarce believe his own eyes. Now that the danger 
was past, I was very well pleased with what had happened, 
hoping that it would soon become known, and, consequently, 
dignify my character not a little in this place. I was also 
proud of having shown myself, in some shape, worthy the love 
of Narcissa, who, I was persuaded, would not think the worse 
of me for what I had done.


Chapter 60

While I entertained myself with these reflections, the news 
of the duel being communicated by some unknown channel, 
spread all over the town. I was visited by Freeman, who 
testified his surprise at finding me; for he was told that 
Lord Quiverwit being dead of his wounds, I had absconded, in 
order to avoid the cognisance of the law. I asked if people 
guessed the occasion of the quarrel; and, understanding it 
was attributed to his lordship's resentment of my reply in 
the Long Room, confirmed that conjecture, glad to find 
Narcissa unsuspected. My friend, after I had assured him 
that my antagonist was in no danger, wished me joy of the 
event, than which, he said, nothing could happen more 
opportunely to support the idea he had given of my character 
to his friends, among whom he had been very assiduous in my 
behalf.
On the strength of this assurance, I went with him to the 
coffee-house, where I was saluted by a great many of those 
very persons who had shunned me the preceding day: and I 
found everybody making merry with the story of Melinda's 
French gallant. While I remained in this place, I received a 
message from Lord Quiverwit, desiring, if I was not engaged, 
to see me at his house.
Thither I immediately repaired, and was conducted to an 
apartment, where I was received by his lordship in bed. When 
we were left by ourselves, he thanked me, in very polite 
terms, for having used the advantage fortune had given me 
over him with such moderation; and asked pardon for any 
offence his resentment might have prompted him to commit. 'I 
would willingly,' said he, 'make you my friend; but as it is 
impossible for me to divest myself of my passion for 
Narcissa, I am too well convinced of your sentiments to 
think we shall ever agree on that subject. I took the 
liberty, therefore, of sending for you, in order to own 
candidly that I cannot help opposing your success with that 
young lady; though at the same time, I promise to regulate 
my opposition by the dictates of justice and honour. This, 
however, I think proper to advertise you of, that she has no 
independent fortune; and if you should even succeed in your 
addresses, you would have the mortification to see her 
reduced to indigence, unless you have wherewithal to support 
her; and I am credibly informed of your incapacity that way. 
Nay, I will confess that, urged by this consideration, I 
have actually sent notice to her brother of the progress I 
suspect you have made in her affection, and desired him to 
take his precautions accordingly.' Alarmed and provoked at 
this information, I told his lordship that I did not see how 
he could reconcile that piece of conduct with his profession 
of open dealing, and flung away from him in a passion.
As I walked homeward, in hope of hearing from my mistress as 
usual, by means of Miss Williams, I was surprised with the 
waving of a handkerchief from the window of a coach and six 
that passed by me at full speed; and upon further 
observation, I saw a servant on horseback riding after it, 
who I knew by his livery belonged to the squire. 
Thunderstruck with this discovery, the knowledge of my 
misfortune rushed all at once on my reflection! I guessed 
immediately that the signal was made by the dear hand of 
Narcissa, who, being hurried away in consequence of Lord 
Quiverwit's message to her brother, had no other method of 
relating her distress and imploring my assistance. Frantic 
with this conjecture, I ran to my lodgings, snatched my 
pistols, and ordered Strap to get post-horses, with such 
incoherence of speech and disorder, that the poor valet, 
terrified with the suspicion of another duel, instead of 
providing what I desired, went forthwith to Freeman, who, 
being informed of my behaviour, came straight to my 
apartment, and conjured me so pathetically to make him 
acquainted with the cause of my uneasiness, that I could not 
refuse telling him my happiness was fled with Narcissa, and 
that I must retrieve her, or perish. He represented the 
madness of such an undertaking, and endeavoured to divert me 
from it with great strength of friendship and reason. But 
all his arguments would have been ineffectual, had he not 
put me in mind of the dependence I ought to have on the love 
of Narcissa, and the attachment of her maid, who could not 
fail of finding opportunities to advertise me of their 
situation; and at the same time demonstrated the injury my 
charmer's reputation must suffer from my precipitate 
retreat. I was convinced and composed by these 
considerations. I appeared in public with an air of 
tranquillity, was well received by the best company in town, 
and, my misfortune taking air, condoled accordingly; while I 
had the satisfaction of seeing Melinda so universally 
discountenanced, that she was fain to return to London, in 
order to avoid the scoffs and censure of the ladies of Bath. 
But though the hope of hearing from the darling of my soul 
supported my spirits a little while, I began to be very 
uneasy when, at the end of several weeks, I found that 
expectation disappointed. In short, melancholy and 
despondence took possession of my soul; and repining at that 
Providence which, by acting the stepmother towards me, kept 
me from the fruition of my wishes, I determined in a fit of 
despair to risk all I had at the gaming-table, with a view 
of acquiring a fortune sufficient to render me independent 
for life, or of plunging myself into such a state of misery 
as would effectually crush every ambitious hope that now 
tortured my imagination.
Actuated by this fatal resolution, I engaged in play, and 
after some turns of fortune, found myself at the end of 
three days worth a thousand pounds; but it was not my 
intention to stop here, for which cause I kept Strap 
ignorant of my success, and continued my career, until I was 
reduced to five guineas, which I would have hazarded also, 
had I not been ashamed to fall from a bet of two hundred 
pounds to such a petty sum.
Having thus executed my scheme, I went home, amazed to find 
myself so much at ease, and informed my friend Strap of my 
mischance, with such calmness, that he, imagining I joked, 
affected to receive the tidings with great equanimity. But 
both he and I found ourselves mistaken very soon. I had 
misinterpreted my own stupidity into deliberate resignation; 
and he had reason to believe me in earnest, when he saw me 
next morning agitated with the most violent despair, which 
he endeavoured to alleviate with all the consolation in his 
power.
In one of my lucid intervals. however, I charged him to take 
a place in the stage-coach for London, and in the meantime 
pay my debts in Bath, which amounted to thirty shillings 
only. Without taking leave of my friends, I embarked, Strap 
having the good fortune to find a return-horse, and arrived 
in town without having met with anything remarkable on the 
road. While we crossed Bagshot Heath, I was seized with a 
sort of inclination to retrieve my fortune, by laying 
passengers under contribution in some such place. My 
thoughts were so circumstanced at this time, that I should 
have digested the crime of robbery, so righteously had I 
concerted my plan, and ventured my life in the execution, 
had I not been deterred by reflecting upon the infamy that 
attends detection.
The apartment I formerly lived in being unengaged, I took 
possession of it, and next day went in quest of Banter, who 
received me with open arms, in expectation of having his 
bond discharged to his liking. But when he understood what 
had happened, his countenance changed of a sudden; and he 
told me, with a dryness of displeasure peculiar to himself, 
that, if he was in my place, he would put it out of 
fortune's power to play him such another trick, and be 
avenged of his own indiscretion at once. When I desired him 
to explain his meaning, he pointed to his neck, raised 
himself on his tip-toes, and was going away without any 
further ceremony, when I put him in mind of my indigence, 
and demanded the five guineas I had formerly lent him. 'Five 
guineas!' cried he. 'Zounds! had you acted with common 
prudence, you might have had twenty thousand in your pocket 
by this time. I depended upon five hundred from you, as much 
as if I had had notes for it in the bank; and by all the 
rules of equity, you are indebted to me for that sum.' I was 
neither pleased nor convinced by this computation, and 
insisted on my right with such determined obstinacy, that he 
was fain to alter his tone, and appease my clamour, by 
assuring me that he was not master of five shillings. 
Society in distress generally promotes good understanding 
among people; from being a dun, I descended to be a client, 
and asked his advice about repairing my losses. He 
counselled me to have recourse again to the gaming-table, 
where I succeeded so well before, and put myself in a 
condition by selling my watch. I followed his directions, 
and having accommodated him with a few pieces, went to the 
place, where I lost every shilling.
Then I returned to my lodgings full of desperate resolution, 
and having made Strap acquainted with my fate, ordered him 
to pawn my sword immediately, that I might be enabled to 
make another effort. This affectionate creature no sooner 
understood my purpose, than, seized with insuppressible 
sorrow at the prospect of my misery, he burst into tears, 
and asked what I proposed to do, after the small sum he 
could raise on the sword should be spent? 'On my own 
account,' said he, 'I am quite unconcerned; for, while God 
spares me health and these ten fingers, I can earn a 
comfortable subsistence anywhere; but what must become of 
you, who have less humility to stoop, and more appetites to 
gratify?' Here I interrupted him, by saying, with a gloomy 
aspect, I should never want a resource while I had a loaded 
pistol in possession. Stupefied with horror at this dreadful 
insinuation, he stood mute for some time, and then broke out 
into, 'God of his infinite mercy enable you to withstand 
that temptation of the devil! Consider your immortal soul - 
there is no repentance in the grave. O Lord! that ever we 
should come to this. - Are we not enjoined to resign 
ourselves to the will of Heaven! - where is your patience? 
Durum patientia frango - you are but a young man - there may 
be many good things in store for you - Accidit in puncto, 
quod non speratur in anno - remember your uncle, Mr Bowling; 
perhaps he is now on his voyage homeward, pleasing himself 
with the hopes of seeing and relieving you; nay, 
peradventure he is already arrived, for the ship was 
expected about this time.' A ray of hope shot athwart my 
soul at this suggestion; I thanked my friend for his 
seasonable recollection, and, after having promised to take 
no resolution till his return, dismissed him to Wapping for 
intelligence.
In his absence I was visited by Banter, who being informed 
of my bad luck at play, told me that fortune would probably 
be one day weary of persecuting me. 'In the meantime,' said 
he, 'here is a letter for you, which I received just now 
enclosed in one from Freeman.' I snatched it with eagerness, 
and knowing the superscription to be of Narcissa's 
handwriting, kissed it with transport, and having opened it, 
read:

"It is with great difficulty that I have stolen from the 
observation of those spies who are set over me, this 
opportunity of telling you that I was suddenly carried away 
from Bath by my brother, who was informed of our 
correspondence by Lord Quiverwit, whom, I since understand, 
you have wounded in a duel on my account. As I am fully 
convinced of your honour and love, I hope I shall never hear 
of such desperate proofs of either for the future. I am so 
strictly watched, that it will be impossible for you to see 
me until my brother's suspicions shall abate, or Heaven 
contrive some other unforeseen event in our behalf. In the 
meantime you may depend on the constancy and affection of
"Your own
"NARCISSA.

'P.S. Miss Williams, who is my fellow-prisoner, desires to 
be remembered to you. We are both in good health, and only 
in pain for you, especially as it will be impracticable for 
you to convey any message or letter to the place of our 
confinement; for which reason, pray desist from the attempt, 
that, by miscarrying, might prolong our captivity.
"N--"

This kind letter afforded me great consolation. I 
communicated it to Banter, and at the same time showed him 
her picture. He approved of her beauty and good sense, and 
could not help owning that my neglect of Miss Snapper was 
excusable, when such a fine creature engrossed my attention.
I began to be reconciled to my fate, and imagined that, if I 
could contrive means of subsisting until my uncle should 
arrive, in case he was not already at home, he would enable 
me to do something effectual in behalf of my love and 
fortune. I therefore consulted Banter about a present 
supply, who no sooner understood that I had credit with a 
tailor, than he advised me to take off two or three suits of 
rich clothes, and convert them into cash, by selling them at 
halfprice to a salesman in Monmouth Street. I was startled 
at this proposal, which I thought savoured a little of 
fraud; but he rendered it palatable, by observing, that in a 
few months I might be in a condition to do everybody 
justice; and in the meantime I was acquitted by the honesty 
of my intention. I suffered myself to be persuaded by his 
salvo, by which my necessity, rather than my judgement, was 
convinced; and when I found there were no accounts of the 
ship in which my uncle embarked, actually put the scheme in 
practice, and raised by it five and twenty guineas, paying 
him for his advice with the odd five.



Chapter 61

But this expedient was in a few weeks attended with a 
consequence I did not foresee; a player having purchased one 
of the suits which were exposed to sale, appeared in it on 
the stage one night while my tailor unfortunately happened 
to be present. He knew it immediately, and inquiring 
minutely into the affair, discovered my whole contrivance; 
upon which he came to my lodgings, and telling me that he 
was very much straitened for want of money, presented his 
bill, which amounted to fifty pounds. Surprised at this 
unexpected address, I affected to treat him cavalierly, 
swore some oaths, asked if he doubted my honour, and, 
telling him I should take care whom I dealt with for the 
future, bade him come again in three days. He obeyed me 
punctually, demanded his money, and finding himself amused 
with bare promises, arrested me that very day in the street. 
I was not much shocked at this adventure, which, indeed, put 
an end to a state of horrible expectation; but I refused to 
go to a spunging house, where I heard there was nothing but 
the most flagrant imposition; and a coach being called, was 
carried to the Marshalsea, attended by a bailiff and his 
follower, who were very much disappointed and chagrined at 
my resolution.
The turnkey, guessing from my appearance that I had money in 
my pocket, received me with the repetition of the Latin word 
depone, and gave me to understand that I must pay beforehand 
for the apartment I should choose to dwell in. I desired to 
see his conveniences, and hired a small paltry bedchamber 
for a crown a week, which, in any other place, would have 
let for half the money. Having taken possession of this 
dismal habitation, I sent for Strap, and my thoughts were 
busied in collecting matter of consolation to that faithful 
squire, when somebody knocked at my door, which I no sooner 
opened, than a young fellow entered, in very shabby clothes 
and marvellous foul linen. After a low bow, he called me by 
my name, and asked if I had forgot him. His voice assisted 
me in recollecting his person, whom I soon recognized to be 
my old acquaintance Jackson, of whom mention is made in the 
first part of my memoirs. I saluted him cordially, expressed 
my satisfaction of finding him alive, and condoled him on 
his present situation, which, however, did not seem to 
affect him much, for he laughed very heartily at the 
occasion of our meeting so unexpectedly in this place. Our 
mutual compliments being passed, I inquired about his amour 
with the lady of fortune, which seemed to be so near a happy 
conclusion when I had the pleasure of seeing him last; and, 
after an immoderate fit of laughter, he gave me to 
understand that he had been egregiously bit in that affair. 
'You must know,' said he, 'that a few days after our 
adventure with the bawd and her b-ches, I found means to be 
married to that same fine lady you speak of, and passed the 
night with her at her lodgings, so much to her satisfaction, 
that early in the morning, after a good deal of snivelling 
and sobbing, she owned, that, far from being an heiress of 
great fortune, she was no other than a common woman of the 
town, who had decoyed me into matrimony, in order to enjoy 
the privilege of a femme couverte; and that, unless I made 
my escape immediately, I should be arrested for a debt of 
her contracting, by bailiffs employed and instructed for 
that purpose. Startled at this intimation, I rose in a 
twinkling, and taking leave of my spouse with several hearty 
damns, got safe into the verge of the court, where I kept 
snug until I was appointed surgeon's mate of a man-of-war at 
Portsmouth; for which place I set out on Sunday, went on 
board of my ship, in which I sailed to the Straits, where I 
had the good fortune to be made surgeon of a sloop that came 
home a few months after, and was put out of commission; 
whereupon I came to London, imagining myself forgotten, and 
freed from my wife and her creditors; but had not been in 
town a week before I was arrested for a debt of hers, 
amounting to twenty pounds, and brought to this place, where 
I have been fixed by another action since that time. 
However, you know my disposition; I defy care and anxiety; 
and being on the half-pay list, make shift to live here 
tolerably easy.' I congratulated him on his philosophy, and 
remembering that I was in his debt, repaid the money he 
formerly lent me, which, I believe, was far from being 
unseasonable. I then inquired about the economy of the 
place, which he explained to my satisfaction; and after we 
had agreed to mess together, he was just going to give 
orders for dinner, when Strap arrived.
I never in my life saw sorrow so extravagantly expressed in 
any countenance as in that of my honest friend, which was, 
indeed, particularly adapted by nature for such impressions. 
When we were left by ourselves, I communicated to him my 
disaster, and endeavoured to console him with the same 
arguments he had formerly used to me, withal representing 
the fair chance I had of being relieved in a short time by 
Mr Bowling. But his grief was unutterable; he seemed to give 
attention without listening, and wrung his hands in silence; 
so that I was in a fair way of being infected by his 
behaviour, when Jackson returned, and perceiving the 
deference I paid to Strap, although in a footman's habit, 
distributed his crumbs of comfort with such mirth, jollity, 
and unconcern, that the features of the distressed squire 
relaxed by degrees; he recovered the use of speech, and 
began to be a little more reconciled to this lamentable 
event. We dined together on boiled beef and greens, brought 
from a cook's shop in the neighbourhood; and although this 
meal was served up in a manner little corresponding with the 
sphere of life in which I had lately lived, I made a virtue 
of necessity, ate with good appetite, and treated my friends 
with a bottle of wine, which had the desired effect of 
increasing the good humour of my fellow-prisoner, and 
exhilarating the spirits of Strap, who now talked cavalierly 
of my misfortune.
After dinner, Jackson left us to our private affairs; when I 
desired my friend to pack up all our things and carry them 
to some cheap lodging he should choose for himself in the 
neighbourhood of the Marshalsea, after he had discharged my 
lodging, for which purpose I gave him money. I likewise 
recommended to him the keeping of my misfortune secret, and 
saying to my landlord, or any other who should inquire for 
me, that I was gone into the country for a few weeks; at the 
same time I laid strong injunctions upon him to call every 
second day upon Banter, in case he should receive any letter 
for me from Narcissa, by the channel of Freeman; and by all 
means to leave a direction for himself at my uncle's 
lodgings in Wapping, by which I might be found when my 
kinsman should arrive.
When he departed to execute these orders, which, by the bye, 
were punctually performed that very night, I found myself so 
little seasoned to my situation, that I dreaded reflection, 
and sought shelter from it in the company of the beau, who, 
promising to regale me with a lecture upon taste, conducted 
me to the common side, where I saw a number of naked 
miserable wretches assembled together. We had not been here 
many minutes, when a figure appeared, wrapt in a dirty rug, 
tied about his loins with two pieces of list, of different 
colours, knotted together; having a black bushy beard, and 
his head covered with a huge mass of brown periwig, which 
seemed to have been ravished from the head of some 
scarecrow. This apparition, stalking in with great 
solemnity, made a profound bow to the audience, who 
signified their approbation by a general response of 'How 
d'ye do, doctor?' He then turned towards us, and honoured 
Jackson with a particular salutation. Upon which my friend, 
in a formal manner, introduced him to me by the name of Mr 
Melopoyn. This ceremony being over, he advanced into the 
middle of the congregation, which crowded around him, and 
hemming three times, to my utter astonishment, pronounced, 
with great significance of voice and gesture, a very elegant 
and ingenious discourse upon the difference between genius 
and taste, illustrating his assertions with apt quotations 
from the best authors, ancient as well as modern. When he 
had finished his harangue, which lasted a full hour, he 
bowed again to the spectators, not one of whom, I was 
informed, understood so much as a sentence of what he had 
uttered. They manifested, however, their admiration and 
esteem by a voluntary contribution, which, Jackson told me, 
one week with another, amounted to eighteenpence. This 
moderate stipend, together with some small presents that he 
received for making up differences and deciding causes 
amongst the prisoners, just enabled him to breathe and walk 
about, in the grotesque figure I have described. I 
understood, also, that he was an excellent poet, and had 
composed a tragedy, which was allowed by everybody who had 
seen it to be a performance of great merit; that his 
learning was infinite, his morals unexceptionable, and his 
modesty invincible. Such a character could not fail of 
attracting my regard; I longed impatiently to be acquainted 
with him, and desired Jackson would engage him to spend the 
evening in my apartment. My request was granted, he favoured 
us with his company, and in the course of our conversation, 
perceiving that I had a strong passion for the Belles 
Lettres, acquitted himself so well on that subject, that I 
expressed a fervent desire of seeing his productions. In 
this point, too, he gratified my inclination; he promised to 
bring his tragedy to my room next day, and in the meantime 
entertained me with some detached pieces, which gave me a 
very advantageous idea of his poetical talent. Among other 
things, I was particularly pleased with some elegies in 
imitation of Tibullus; one of which I beg leave to submit to 
the reader, as a specimen of his complexion and capacity.

Where now are all my flattering dreams of joy?
Monimia, give my soul her wonted rest: -
Since first the beauty fix'd my roving eye,
Heart-gnawing cares corrode my pensive breast!

Let happy lovers fly where pleasures call,
With festive songs beguile the fleeting hour;
Lead beauty through the mazes of the ball,
Or press her wanton in love's roseate bower.

For me, no more I'll range th' empurpled mead,
Where shepherds pipe, and virgins dance around;
Nor wander through the woodbine's fragrant shade
To hear the music of the grove resound.

I'll seek some lonely church, or dreary hall,
Where fancy paints the glimm'ring taper blue,
Where damps hang mould'ring on the ivy'd wall,
And sheeted ghosts drink up the midnight dew.

There, leagu'd with hopeless anguish and despair,
Awhile in silence o'er my fate repine:
Then, with a long farewell to love and care,
To kindred dust my weary limbs consign.

Wilt thou, Monimia, shed a gracious tear
On the cold grave where all my sorrows rest;
Strew vernal flowers, applaud my love sincere,
And bid the turf lie easy on my breast?

I was wonderfully affected with this pathetic complaint, 
which seemed so well calculated for my own disappointment in 
love, that I could not help attaching the idea of Narcissa 
to the name of Monimia, and of forming such melancholy 
presages of my passion, that I could not recover my 
tranquillity, and was fain to have recourse to the bottle, 
which prepared me for a profound sleep, that I could not 
otherwise have enjoyed. Whether these impressions invited 
and introduced a train of other melancholy reflections, or 
my fortitude was all exhausted in the effort I made against 
despondence during the first day of my imprisonment, I 
cannot determine; but I awoke in the horrors, and found my 
imagination haunted with such dismal apparitions, that I was 
ready to despair; and I believe the reader will own I had no 
great cause to congratulate myself, when I considered my 
situation. I was interrupted in the midst of these gloomy 
apprehensions by the arrival of Strap, who contributed not a 
little to the re-establishment of my peace by letting me 
know that he had hired himself as a journeyman barber; by 
which means he would be able not only to save me a 
considerable expense, but even make shift to lay up 
something for my subsistence, after my money should be 
spent, in case I should not be relieved before.


Chapter 62

While we ate our breakfast together, I made him acquainted 
with the character and condition of the poet, who came in 
with his play at that instant, and imagining we were engaged 
about business, could not be prevailed upon to sit; but, 
leaving his performance, went away. My friend's tender heart 
was melted at the sight of a gentleman and Christian (for he 
had a great veneration for both these epithets) in such 
misery; and assented, with great cheerfulness, to a proposal 
I made of clothing him with our superfluities; a task with 
which he charged himself, and departed immediately to 
perform it. He was no sooner gone, than I locked my door, 
and sat down to the tragedy, which I read to the end with 
vast pleasure, not a little amazed at the conduct of the 
managers who had rejected it. The fable, in my opinion, was 
well chosen and naturally conducted; the incidents 
interesting, the characters beautifully contrasted, strongly 
marked, and well supported; the diction poetical, spirited, 
and correct; the unities of the drama maintained with the 
most scrupulous exactness; the opening gradual and engaging, 
the peripeteia surprising, and the catastrophe affecting. In 
short, I judged it by the laws of Aristotle and Horace, and 
could find nothing in it exceptionable, but a little too 
much embellishment in some few places, which objection he 
removed to my satisfaction by a quotation from Aristotle's 
Poetics, importing that the least interesting parts of a 
poem ought to be raised and dignified by the charms and 
energy of diction.
I revered his genius, and was seized with an eager curiosity 
to know the particular events of a fortune so unworthy of 
his merit. At that instant Strap returned with a bundle of 
clothes, which I sent with my compliments to Mr Melopoyn, as 
a small token of my regard, and desired the favour of his 
company to dinner. He accepted my present and invitation, 
and in less than half an hour made his appearance in a 
decent dress, which altered his figure very much to his 
advantage. I perceived, by his countenance, that his heart 
was big with gratitude, and endeavoured to prevent his 
acknowledgements, by asking pardon for the liberty I had 
taken; he made no reply, but, with an aspect full of 
admiration and esteem, bowed to the ground, while the tears 
gushed from his eyes. Affected with these symptoms of an 
ingenuous mind, I shifted the conversation, and complimented 
him on his performance, which, I assured him, afforded me 
infinite pleasure. My approbation made him happy; dinner 
being served, and Jackson arrived, I begged their permission 
for Strap to sit at table with us, after having informed 
them that he was a person to whom I was extremely obliged; 
they were kind enough to grant that favour, and we ate 
together with great harmony and satisfaction.
Our meal being ended, I expressed my wonder at the little 
regard Mr Melopoyn had met with from the world; and 
signified a desire of hearing how he had been treated by the 
managers of the playhouses, to whom I understood from 
Jackson he had offered his tragedy without success. 'There 
is so little entertaining in the incidents of my life,' said 
he, 'that I am sure the recital will not recompense your 
attention; but, since you discover an inclination to know 
them, I understand my duty too well to disappoint your 
desire.
'My father, who was a curate in the country, being, by the 
narrowness of his circumstances, hindered from maintaining 
me at the university, took the charge of my education upon 
himself, and laboured with such industry and concern in the 
undertaking, that I had little cause to regret the want of 
public masters. Being at great pains to consult my natural 
bias, he discovered in me, betimes, an inclination for 
poetry; upon which he recommended me to an intimate 
acquaintance with the classics, in the cultivation of which 
he assisted me with paternal zeal and uncommon erudition. 
When he thought me sufficiently acquainted with the 
ancients, he directed my studies to the best modern authors, 
French and Italian, as well as English, and laid a 
particular injunction upon me to make myself master of my 
mother tongue.
'About the age of eighteen, I grew ambitious of undertaking 
a work of some consequence; and, with my father's 
approbation, actually planned the tragedy you have read; 
but, before I had finished four acts, that indulgent parent 
died, and left my mother and me in very indigent 
circumstances. A near relation, compassionating our 
distress, took us into his family, where I brought my fable 
to a conclusion; and soon after that period my mother 
quitted this life. When my sorrow for this melancholy event 
had subsided, I told my kinsman, who was a farmer, that 
having paid my last duty to my parent, I had now no 
attachment to detain me in the country, and therefore was 
resolved to set out for London, and offer my play to the 
stage, where I did not doubt of acquiring a large share of 
fame as well as fortune; in which case I should not be 
unmindful of my friends and benefactors. My cousin was 
ravished with the prospect of my felicity, and willingly 
contributed towards the expense of fitting me out for my 
expedition.
'Accordingly I took a place in the wagon, and arrived in 
town, where I hired an apartment in a garret, willing to 
live as frugal as possible, until I should know what I had 
to expect from the manager to whom I intended to offer my 
play; for, though I looked upon myself as perfectly secure 
of a good reception, imagining that a patentee would be as 
eager to receive, as I to present my production, I did not 
know whether or not he might be pre-engaged in favour of 
another author, a circumstance that would certainly retard 
my success. On this consideration, too, I determined to be 
speedy in my application and even to wait upon one of the 
managers the very next day. For this purpose, I inquired of 
my landlord if he knew where either or both of them lived; 
and he, being curious to know my business, and at the same 
time appearing to be a very honest, friendly man (a tallow-
chandler), I made him acquainted with my design; upon which 
he told me that I went the wrong way to work; that I would 
not find such easy access to a manager as I imagined; and 
that, if I delivered my performance without proper 
recommendation, it would be as one to a thousand if ever it 
should be minded. "Take my advice," said he, "and your 
business is done. One of the patentees is a good Catholic, 
as I am, and uses the same father who confesses me. I will 
make you acquainted with this good priest, who is an 
excellent scholar, and if he should approve of your play, 
his recommendation will go a long way in determining Mr 
Supple to bring it on the stage." I applauded his expedient, 
and was introduced to the friar, who, having perused the 
tragedy, was pleased to signify his approbation, and 
commended me, in particular, for having avoided all 
reflections upon religion. He promised to use all his 
influence with his son Supple in my behalf, and to inform 
himself that very day at what time it would be proper for me 
to wait upon him with the piece. He was punctual in 
performing his engagement, and next morning gave me to 
understand that he had mentioned my affair to the manager, 
and that I had no more to do than to go to his house any 
time in the forenoon, and make use of his name, upon which I 
should find immediate admittance. I took this advice, put my 
performance in my bosom, and, having received directions, 
went immediately to the house of Mr Supple, and knocked at 
the door, which had a wicket in the middle, faced with a 
network of iron. Through this a servant having viewed me for 
some time, demanded to know my business. I told him my 
business was with Mr Supple, and that I came from Mr 
O'Varnish. He examined my appearance once more, then went 
away, returned in a few minutes, and said his master was 
busy, and could not be seen. Although I was a little 
mortified at my disappointment, I was persuaded that my 
reception was owing to Mr Supple's ignorance of my errand; 
and, that I might meet with no more obstructions of the same 
kind, I desired Mr O'Varnish to be my introductor the next 
time. He complied with my request, and obtained immediate 
admittance to the manager, who received me with the utmost 
civility, and promised to read my play with the first 
convenience. By his own appointment, I called again in a 
fortnight, but he was gone out; I returned in a week after, 
and the poor gentleman was extremely ill; I renewed my visit 
in a fortnight after that, and he assured me he had been so 
much fatigued with business, that he had not been able as 
yet to read it to an end; but he would take the first 
opportunity; and, in the meantime, observed that what he had 
just seen of it was very entertaining. I comforted myself 
with this declaration a few weeks longer, at the end of 
which I appeared again before his wicket, was let in, and 
found him laid up with the gout. I no sooner entered his 
chamber, than, looking at me with a languishing eye, he 
said, "Mr Melopoyn, I'm heartily sorry for an accident that 
has happened during my illness. You must know that my eldest 
boy, finding your manuscript upon the table in the dining-
room, where I used to read it, carried it into the kitchen, 
and leaving it there, a negligent wench of a cook-maid, 
mistaking it for waste paper, has expended it all but a few 
leaves in singeing fowls upon the spit. But I hope the 
misfortune is not irreparable, since, no doubt, you have 
several copies."
'I protest to you, my good friend, Mr Random, I was 
extremely shocked at this information; but the good-natured 
gentleman seemed to be so much affected with my misfortune, 
that I suppressed my concern, and told him that, although I 
had not another copy, I should be able to retrieve the loss 
by writing another from my memory, which was very tenacious. 
You cannot imagine how well pleased Mr Supple was at this 
assurance; he begged I would set about it immediately, and 
carefully revolve and recollect every circumstance, before I 
pretended to commit it to paper, that it might be the same 
individual play that he had perused. Encouraged by this 
injunction, which plainly demonstrated how much he 
interested himself in the affair, I tasked my remembrance 
and industry, and in three weeks produced the exact image of 
the former, which was conveyed to him by my good friend, 
Father O'Varnish, who told me next day that Mr Supple would 
revise it superficially, in order to judge of its sameness 
with the other, and then give his final answer. For this 
examination I allotted a week; and in full confidence of 
seeing it acted in a little while, demanded an audience of 
the manager when that term was expired. But alas! the season 
had slipped away insensibly; he convinced me that, if my 
play had been put into rehearsal at that time, it could not 
have been ready for performing until the end of March, when 
the benefit nights came on; consequently it would have 
interfered with the interest of the players, whom it was not 
my business to disoblige.
'I was fain to acquiesce in these reasons, which to be sure 
were extremely just, and to reserve my performance for the 
next season, when he hoped I would not be so unlucky. 
Although it was a grievous disappointment to me, who by this 
time began to want both money and necessaries: having, on 
the strength of my expectation from the theatre, launched 
out into some extravagances, by which the sum I brought to 
town was already almost consumed. Indeed, I ought to be 
ashamed at this circumstance of my conduct; for my finances 
were sufficient, with good economy, to have maintained me 
comfortably a whole year. You will perhaps be amazed when I 
tell you that in six months I expended not a farthing less 
than ten guineas: but when one considers the temptations to 
which a young man is exposed in this great city, especially 
if he is addicted to pleasure, as I am, the wonder will 
vanish, or at least abate. Nor was the cause of my concern 
limited to my own situation entirely: I had wrote an account 
of my good reception to my kinsman, the farmer, and desired 
him to depend upon me for the money he had kindly 
accommodated me with about the end of February; which 
promise I now found myself unable to perform. However, there 
was no remedy but patience. I applied to my landlord, who 
was a very good-natured man, candidly owned my distress, and 
begged his advice in laying down some plan for my 
subsistence. He readily promised to consult his confessor on 
the subject, and told me I was welcome, in the meantime, to 
lodge and board with him until fortune should put it in my 
power to make restitution.
'Mr O'Varnish, being informed of my necessity, offered to 
introduce me to the author of a weekly paper, who, he did 
not doubt, would employ me in that way, provided he should 
find me duly qualified; but, upon inquiry, I understood that 
this journal was calculated to foment divisions in the 
commonwealth, and therefore I desired to be excused from 
engaging in it. He then proposed that I should write 
something in the poetical way, which I might dispose of to a 
bookseller for a pretty sum of ready money, and perhaps 
establish my own character into the bargain; this event 
would infallibly procure friends, and my tragedy would 
appear next season to the best advantage, by being supported 
both by interest and reputation. I was charmed with this 
prospect, and having heard what friends Mr Pope acquired by 
his pastorals, set about a work of that kind, and in less 
than six weeks composed as many eclogues, which I forthwith 
offered to an eminent bookseller, who desired me to leave 
them for his perusal, and he would give me an answer in two 
days. At the end of that time I went to him, when he 
returned the poems, telling me they would not answer his 
purpose, and sweetened his refusal by saying there were some 
good clever lines in them. Not a little dejected at this 
rebuff, which I learned from Mr O'Varnish was owing to the 
opinion of another author, whom this bookseller always 
consulted on these occasions, I applied to another person of 
the same profession who told me the town was cloyed with 
pastorals, and advised me, if I intended to profit by my 
talents, to write something satirical or luscious, such as 
The Button Hole, Shockey and Towzer, The Leaky Vessel, etc - 
and yet this was a man in years, who wore a reverend 
periwig, looked like a senator and went regularly to church. 
Be that as it will, I scorned to prostitute my pen in the 
manner he proposed, and carried my papers to a third, who 
assured me that poetry was entirely out of his way; and 
asked if I had got never a piece of secret history, thrown 
into a series of letters, or a volume of adventures, such as 
those of Robinson Crusoe and, Colonel Jack, or a collection 
of conundrums, wherewith to entertain the plantations? Being 
quite unfurnished for this dealer, I had recourse to another 
with as little success; and I verily believe was rejected by 
the whole trade.
'I was afterwards persuaded to offer myself as a translator, 
and accordingly repaired to a person who was said to 
entertain numbers of that class in his pay; he assured me he 
had already a great deal of that work on his hands, which he 
did not know what to do with; observed that translation was 
a mere drug; that branch of literature being overstocked 
with an inundation of authors from North Britain; and asked 
what I would expect per sheet for rendering the Latin 
classics into English. That I might not make myself too 
cheap, I determined to set a high price upon my 
qualifications, and demanded half a guinea for every 
translated sheet. "Half a guinea!" cried he, staring at me, 
then paused a little, and said, "he had no occasion for my 
service at present." I found my error, and, resolving to 
make amends, fell one half in my demand; upon which he 
stared at me again, and told me his hands were full. I 
attempted others, without finding employment, and was 
actually reduced to a very uncomfortable prospect, when I 
bethought myself of offering my talents to the printers of 
halfpenny ballads, and other such occasional essays as are 
hawked about the streets. With this view, I applied to one 
of the most noted and vociferous of this tribe, who directed 
me to a person whom I found entertaining a whole crowd of 
them with gin, bread, and cheese; he carried me into a 
little back parlour, very neatly furnished, where I 
signified my desire of being enrolled among his writers; and 
was asked what kind of composition I professed? 
Understanding that my inclination leaned towards poetry, he 
expressed his satisfaction, telling me one of his poets had 
lost his senses, and was confined in Bedlam, and the other 
was become dozed with drinking drams; so that he had not 
done anything tolerable these many weeks. When I proposed 
that we should enter into terms of agreement, he gave me to 
understand that his bargains were always conditional, and 
his authors paid in proportion to the sale of their works.
'Having therefore settled these conditions, which, I do 
assure you, were not very advantageous to me, he assigned me 
a subject for a ballad, which was to be finished in two 
hours; and I returned to my garret in order to perform his 
injunction. As the theme happened to suit my fancy, I 
completed a pretty sort of an ode within the time 
prescribed, and brought it to him big with hope of profit 
and applause. He read it in a twinkling, and, to my utter 
astonishment, told me it would not do, though indeed he 
owned I wrote a good hand, and spelled very well, but my 
language was too high-flown, and of consequence not at all 
adapted to the capacity and taste of his customers. I 
promised to rectify that mistake, and in half an hour 
humbled my style to the comprehension of vulgar readers; he 
approved of the alteration, and gave me some hopes of 
succeeding in time, though he observed that my performance 
was very deficient in the quaintness of expression that 
pleases the multitude; however, to encourage me, he ventured 
the expense of printing and paper, and, if I remember 
aright, my share of the sale amounted to fourpence 
halfpenny.
'From that day I studied the Grub Street manner with great 
diligence, and at length became such a proficient, that my 
works were in great request among the most polite of the 
chairmen, draymen, hackney coachmen, footmen, and servant-
maids. Nay, I have enjoyed the pleasure of seeing my 
productions adorned with cuts, pasted upon the wall as 
ornaments in beer cellars and cobblers' stalls, and have 
actually heard them sung in clubs of substantial tradesmen. 
But empty praise, you know, my dear friend, will not supply 
the cravings of nature. I found myself in danger of starving 
in the midst of all my fame; for of ten songs I composed, it 
was well if two had the good fortune to please. For this 
reason I turned my thoughts to prose, and, during a tract of 
gloomy weather, published an apparition on the substance of 
which I subsisted very comfortably a whole month; I have 
made many a good meal upon a monster; a rape has often 
afforded me great satisfaction; but a murder, well timed, 
was my never-failing resource. What then? I was a most 
miserable slave to my employers, who expected to be 
furnished at a minute's warning with prose and verse, just 
as they thought the circumstances of the times required, 
whether the inclination was absent or present. Upon my 
sincerity, Mr Random, I have been so much pestered and 
besieged by those children of clamour, that life became a 
burden to me.


Chapter 63

'I made shift, notwithstanding, to maintain myself till the 
beginning of next winter, when I renewed my addresses to my 
friend Mr Supple, and was most graciously received. "I have 
been thinking of your affair, Mr Melopoyn," said he, "and am 
determined to show how far I have your interest at heart, by 
introducing you to a young nobleman, of my acquaintance, who 
is remarkable for his fine taste in dramatic writings, and 
is, besides, a man of such influence, that, if once he 
should approve of your play, his patronage will support it 
against all the efforts of envy and ignorance: for I do 
assure you that merit alone will not bring success. I have 
already spoke of your performance to Lord Rattle, and if you 
will call at my house in a day or two, you shall have a 
letter of introduction to his lordship." I was sensibly 
touched with this mark of Mr Supple's friendship, and 
looking upon my affair as already done, went home and 
imparted my good fortune to my landlord, who, to render my 
appearance more acceptable to my patron, procured a suit of 
new clothes for me on his own credit.
'Not to trouble you with idle particulars, I carried my 
tragedy to his lordship's lodgings, and sent it up, along 
with Mr Supple's letter, by one of his servants, who desired 
me, by his lord's order, to return in a week. I did so, and 
was admitted to his lordship, who received me very 
courteously, told me he had perused my play, which he 
thought, on the whole, was the best coup d'essai he had ever 
seen; but that he had marked some places in the margin which 
he imagined might be altered for the better. I was 
transported with this reception, and promised, with many 
acknowledgements of his lordship's generosity, to be 
governed solely by his advice and direction. "Well, then," 
said he, "write another fair copy with the alterations I 
have proposed, and bring it to me as soon as possible; for I 
am resolved to have it brought on the stage this winter." 
You may be sure I set about this task with alacrity; and 
though I found his lordship's remarks much more numerous, 
and of less importance, than I expected, I thought it was 
not my interest to dispute upon trifles with my patron; 
therefore new modelled it, according to his desire, in less 
than a month.
'When I waited upon him with the manuscript, I found one of 
the actors at breakfast with his lordship, who immediately 
introduced him to my acquaintance, and desired him to read a 
scene of my play. This task he performed very much to my 
satisfaction, with regard to emphasis and pronunciation; but 
he signified his disgust at several words in every page, 
which I presuming to defend, Lord Rattle told me, with a 
peremptory look, I must not pretend to dispute with him, who 
had been a player these twenty years, and understood the 
economy of the stage better than any man living. I was 
forced to submit, and his lordship proposed the same actor 
should read the whole play in the evening before some 
gentlemen of his acquaintance, whom he would convene at his 
lodgings for that purpose.
'I was present at the reading; and I protest to you, my dear 
friend, I never underwent such a severe trial in the whole 
course of my life as at that juncture; for although the 
player might be a very honest man, and a good performer, he 
was excessively illiterate and assuming, and made a thousand 
frivolous objections, which I was not permitted to answer. 
However, the piece was very much applauded on the whole; the 
gentlemen present, who, I understood, were men of fortune, 
promised to countenance and support it as much as they 
could; and Lord Rattle assuring me that he would act the 
part of a careful nurse to it, desired me to carry it home, 
and alter it immediately according to their remarks. I was 
fain to acquiesce in his determination, and fulfilled his 
injunctions with all the expedition in my power: but before 
I could present the new copy, my good friend Mr Supple had 
disposed of his property and patent to one Mr Brayer; so 
that fresh interest was to be made with the new manager. 
This task Lord Rattle undertook, having some acquaintance 
with him, and recommended my performance so strongly that it 
was received.
'I looked upon myself now as upon the eve of reaping the 
fruits of all my labour. I waited a few days in expectation 
of its being put into rehearsal, and wondering at the delay, 
applied to my worthy patron, who excused Mr Brayer, on 
account of the multiplicity of business in which he was 
involved, and bade me beware of teasing the patentee. I 
treasured up this caution, and exerted my patience three 
weeks longer; at the end of which his lordship gave me to 
understand that Mr Brayer had read my play, and owned it had 
undubitable merit; but as he had long been pre-engaged to 
another author, he could not possibly represent it that 
season; though, if I would reserve it for the next, and, in 
the interim, make such alterations as he had proposed by 
observations on the margin, I might depend upon his 
compliance.
'Thunderstruck at this disappointment, I could not, for some 
minutes, utter one syllable. At length, however, I 
complained bitterly of the manager's insincerity in amusing 
me so long, when he knew from the beginning that he could 
not gratify my desire. But his lordship reprimanded me for 
my freedom, said Mr Brayer was a man of honour, and imputed 
his behaviour with respect to me to nothing else but 
forgetfulness. And indeed I have had some reason, since that 
time, to be convinced of his bad memory; for, in spite of 
appearances, I will not allow myself to interpret his 
conduct any other way. Lord Rattle, observing me very much 
affected with my disappointment, offered his interest to 
bring on my play at the other house, which I eagerly 
accepting, he forthwith wrote a letter of recommendation to 
Mr Bellower, actor, and prime minister to Mr Vandal, 
proprietor of that theatre; and desired me to deliver it 
with my tragedy without loss of time. Accordingly, I 
hastened to his house, where, after having waited a whole 
hour in a lobby, I was admitted to his presence, and my 
performance received with great state. He told me he was 
extremely busy at present, but he would peruse it as soon as 
possible, and bade me call again in a week. I took my leave 
not a little astonished at the pert and supercilious 
behaviour of this stage-player, who had not treated me with 
good manners; and began to think the dignity of a poet 
greatly impaired since the days of Euripides and Sophocles; 
but all this was nothing in comparison to what I have since 
observed.
'Well, Mr Random, I went back at the appointed time, and was 
told that Mr Bellower was engaged, and could not see me. I 
repeated my visit a few days after, and, having waited a 
considerable time, was favoured with an audience, during 
which he said he had not as yet read my play. Nettled at 
this usage, I could contain myself no longer, but telling 
him I imagined he would have paid more deference to Lord 
Rattle's recommendation, demanded my manuscript with some 
expressions of resentment. "Ay," said he, in a theatrical 
tone, "with all my heart." Then pulling out a drawer of the 
bureau at which he sat, he took out a bundle, and threw it 
upon a table that was near him, pronouncing the word "There" 
with great disdain. I took it up, and perceiving, with some 
surprise, that it was a comedy, told him it did not belong 
to me; upon which he offered me another, which I also 
disclaimed. A third was produced, and rejected for the same 
reason. At length he pulled out a whole handful, and spread 
them before me, saying, "There are seven-take which you 
please - or take them all." I singled out my own, and went 
away, struck dumb with admiration at what I had seen - not 
so much on account of his insolence, as of the number of new 
plays, which from this circumstance I concluded were yearly 
offered to the stage. You may be sure I did not fail to 
carry my complaint to my patron, who did not receive it with 
all the indignation I expected; but taxed me with 
precipitation, and told me I must lay my account with 
bearing the humours of the players, if I intended to write 
for the stage. "There is now no other remedy," said he, "but 
to keep it till the next season for Mr Brayer, and alter it 
at your leisure, in the summer, according to his 
directions." I was now reduced to a terrible alternative, 
either to quit all hopes of my tragedy, from which I had all 
along promised myself a large share of fortune and 
reputation, or to encounter eight long months of adversity 
in preparing for and expecting its appearance. This last 
penance, painful as it was, seemed most eligible to my 
reflection at that time, and therefore I resolved to undergo 
it.
'Why should I tire you with particulars of no consequence? I 
wrestled with extreme poverty until the time of my probation 
was expired; and went to my Lord Rattle, in order to remind 
him of my affair, when I understood, to my great concern, 
that his lordship was just on the point of going abroad, 
and, which was still more unfortunate for me, Mr Brayer had 
gone into the country, so that my generous patron had it not 
in his power to introduce me personally, as he intended. 
However, he wrote a very strong letter to the manager in my 
favour, and put him in mind of the promise he had made in 
behalf of my play.
'As soon as I was certified of Brayer's return, I went to 
his house with this letter, but was told he was gone out. I 
called again next day early in the morning, received the 
same answer, and was desired to leave my name and business; 
I did so, and returned the day after, when the servant still 
affirmed that his master was gone abroad, though I perceived 
him, as I retired, observing me through a window. Incensed 
at this discovery, I went to a coffee-house hard by, and 
enclosing his lordship's letter in one from myself, demanded 
a categorical answer. I sent it to his house by a porter, 
who returned in a few minutes, and told me Mr Brayer would 
be glad to see me at that instant. I obeyed the summons, and 
was received with such profusion of compliments and 
apologies, that my resentment immediately subsided, and I 
was even in pain for the concern which this honest man 
showed at the mistake of his servant, who, it seems, had 
been ordered to deny him to everybody but me. He expressed 
the utmost veneration for his good and noble friend Lord 
Rattle, whom he should be always proud to serve; promised to 
peruse the play with all dispatch, and give me a meeting 
upon it; and, as a testimony of his esteem, made me a 
present of a general order for the season, by which I should 
be admitted to any part of the theatre. This was a very 
agreeable compliment to me, whose greatest pleasure 
consisted in seeing dramatic performances; and you need not 
doubt that I often availed myself of my privilege. As I had 
an opportunity of being behind the scenes when I pleased, I 
frequently conversed with Mr Brayer about my play, and asked 
when he intended to put it into rehearsal; but he had always 
so much business upon his hands, that it remained with him 
unopened a considerable while; and I became very uneasy 
about the season, that wasted apace, when I saw in the 
papers another new play advertised, which had been written, 
offered, accepted, and rehearsed in the compass of three 
months. You may easily guess how much I was confounded at 
this event. I own to you that, in the first transports of my 
anger, I suspected Mr Brayer of having acted towards me in 
the most pitiful perfidious manner; and was actually glad at 
his disappointment in the success of his favourite piece, 
which, by the strength of art, lingered till the third 
night, and then died in a deplorable manner. But, now that 
passion has no share in my reflection, I am willing to 
ascribe his behaviour to his want of memory or want of 
judgement, which, you know, are natural defects, that are 
more worthy of compassion than reproach.
'About this time I happened to be in company with a 
gentlewoman, who, having heard of my tragedy, told me she 
was acquainted with the wife of a gentleman, who was very 
well known to a lady, who had great interest with a person 
who was intimate with Earl Sheerwit, and that, if I pleased, 
she would use her influence in my behalf. As this nobleman 
had the character of a Maecenas in the nation, and could 
stamp a value upon any work by his sole countenance and 
approbation, I accepted her offer with eagerness, in full 
confidence of seeing my reputation established, and my 
wishes fulfilled in a very short time, provided that I 
should have the good fortune to please his lordship's taste. 
I withdrew the manuscript from the hands of Mr Brayer, and 
committed it to the care of this gentlewoman, who laboured 
so effectually in my interest, that in less than a month it 
was conveyed to the earl, and, in a few weeks after, I had 
the satisfaction to hear that he had read and approved it 
very much. Transported with this piece of intelligence, I 
flattered myself with the hopes of his interesting himself 
in its favour; but hearing no more of this matter in three 
whole months, I began - God forgive me! - to suspect the 
veracity of the person who brought me the good tidings; for 
I thought it impossible that a man of his rank and 
character, who knew the difficulty of writing a good 
tragedy, and understood the dignity of the work, should read 
and applaud an essay of this kind without feeling an 
inclination to befriend the author, whom his countenance 
alone could raise above dependence. But it was not long 
before I found my friend very much wronged by my opinion.
'You must know that the civilities I had received from Lord 
Rattle, and the desire he manifested to promote the success 
of my play, encouraged me to write an account of my bad 
fortune to his lordship, who condescended so far as to 
desire, by letter, a young squire of a great estate, with 
whom he was intimate, to espouse my cause, and, in 
particular, make me acquainted with one Mr Marmozet, a 
celebrated player, who had lately appeared on the stage with 
astonishing eclat, and bore such sway in the house where he 
acted, that the managers durst not refuse anything he 
recommended. The young gentleman whom Lord Rattle had 
employed for this purpose, being diffident of his own 
interest with Mr Marmozet, had recourse to a nobleman of his 
acquaintance, who, at his solicitation, was so good as to 
introduce me to him; and the conversation turning upon my 
performance, I was not a little surprised, as well as 
pleased, to hear that Earl Sheerwit had spoken very much in 
its praise, and even sent Mr Marmozet the copy, with a 
message expressing a desire that he would act in it next 
season. Nor was the favourite actor backward in commending 
the piece, which he mentioned with some expressions of 
regard, that I do not choose to repeat; assuring me that he 
would appear in it, provided he should be engaged to play at 
all during the ensuing season. In the meantime, he desired I 
would give him leave to peruse it in the country, whither he 
intended to remove next day, that he might have leisure to 
consider and point out such alterations as might, perhaps, 
be necessary for its representation; and took my direction, 
that he might communicate by letter the observations he 
should make. Trusting to these assurances, and the interest 
which had been made in my behalf, I hugged myself in the 
expectation of seeing it not only acted, but acted to the 
greatest advantage; and this I thought could not fail of 
recompensing me in an ample manner for the anxiety and 
amiction I had undergone. But six weeks being elapsed, I did 
not know how to reconcile Mr Marmozet's silence with his 
promise of writing to me in ten days after he set out for 
the country; however, I was at last favoured with a letter, 
importing that he had made some remarks on my tragedy, which 
he would freely impart at meeting, and advising me to put 
it, without loss of time, into the hands of that manager who 
had the best company, as he himself was quite uncertain 
whether or not he should be engaged that winter. I was a 
good deal alarmed at this last part of his letter, and 
advised about it with a friend, who told me it was a plain 
indication of Mr Marmozet's desire to get rid of his 
promise; that his pretended uncertainty about acting next 
winter was no other than a scandalous evasion; for, to his 
certain knowledge, he was already engaged, or at least in 
terms with Mr Vandal; and that his design was to disappoint 
me, in favour of a new comedy, which he had purchased of the 
author, and intended to bring upon the stage for his own 
advantage. In short, my dear sir, this person, who, I must 
own, is of a sanguine complexion, handled the moral 
character of Mr Marmozet with such severity, that I began to 
suspect him of some particular prejudice, and put myself 
upon my guard against his insinuations. I ought to crave 
pardon for this tedious narration of trivial circumstances, 
which, however interesting they may be to me, must certainly 
be very dry and insipid to the ear of one unconcerned in the 
affair. But I understand the meaning of your looks, and will 
proceed. Well, sir, Mr Marmozet, upon his return to town, 
treated me with uncommon complaisance, and invited me to his 
lodgings, where he proposed to communicate his remarks, 
which I confess were more unfavourable than I expected; but 
I answered his objections, and, as I thought, brought him 
over to my opinion; for, on the whole, he signified the 
highest approbation of the performance. In the course of our 
dispute, I was not a little surprised to find this poor 
gentleman's memory so treacherous, as to let him forget what 
he had said to me, before he went out of town, in regard to 
Earl Sheerwit's opinion of my play, which he now professed 
himself ignorant of; and I was extremely mortified at 
hearing from his own mouth, that his interest with Mr Vandal 
was so very low, as to be insufficient of itself to bring a 
new piece upon the stage. I then begged his advice; and he 
counselled me to apply to Earl Sheerwit for a message in my 
favour to the manager, who would not presume to refuse 
anything recommended by so great a man; and he was so kind 
as to promise to second this message with all his power, I 
had immediate recourse to the worthy gentlewoman, my friend 
already mentioned, which opened the channels of her 
conveyance with such expedition, that in a few days I had 
the promise of the message, provided I could assure myself 
of Mr Vandal's being unengaged to any other author; for his 
lordship did not choose to condescend so far, until he 
should understand that there was a probability (at least) of 
succeeding; at the same time that blessed me with this piece 
of news, I was startled at another, by the same channel of 
communication; which was, that Mr Marmozet, before he 
advised me to this application, had informed the earl that 
he had read my play, and found it altogether unfit for the 
stage. Though I could not doubt the certainty of this 
intelligence, I believed there was some misapprehension in 
the case; and without taking any notice of it, told Mr 
Marmozet the answer I had been favoured with; and he 
promised to ask Mr Vandal the question proposed. I waited 
upon him in a day or two, when he gave me to understand that 
Mr Vandal having professed himself free of all engagements, 
he had put my play into his hands, and represented it as a 
piece strongly recommended by Earl Sheerwit, who, he assured 
him, would honour him with a message in its favour; and he 
desired me to call for an answer at Mr Vandal's house in 
three days. I followed his directions, and found the 
manager, who, being made acquainted with my business, owned 
that Mr Marmozet had given him a manuscript play, but denied 
that he had mentioned Earl Sheerwit's name. When I informed 
him of the circumstances of the affair, he said he had no 
engagement with any author; that he would read my tragedy 
forthwith, and did not believe he should venture to reject 
it in contradiction to his lordship's opinion, for which he 
had the utmost veneration, but put it into rehearsal without 
loss of time. I was so much intoxicated with this 
encouragement, that I overlooked the mysterious conduct of 
Mr Marmozet, and attended the manager at the time appointed, 
when, to my infinite confusion, he pronounced my play 
improper for the stage, and rejected it accordingly. As soon 
as I could recollect myself from the disorder into which 
this unexpected refusal had thrown me, I expressed a desire 
of hearing his objections, which were so groundless, 
indistinct, and unintelligible, that I persuaded myself he 
had not at all perused the piece, but had been prompted by 
somebody, whose lessons he had not rightly retained. 
However, I have been since informed that the poor man's 
head, which was not naturally very clear, had been 
disordered with superstition, and that he laboured under the 
tyranny of a wife and the terrors of hell-fire at the same 
time. Precipitated, in this manner, from the highest 
pinnacle of hope to the abyss of despondence, I was ready to 
sink under the burden of my amiction, and, in the bitterness 
of my anguish, could not help entertaining some doubts of Mr 
Marmozet's integrity, when I recollected and compared the 
circumstances of his conduct towards me. I was encouraged in 
this suspicion by being told that my Lord Sheerwit had spoke 
of his character with great contempt, and, in particular, 
resented his insolence in opposing his own taste to that of 
his lordship concerning my tragedy. While I hesitated 
between different opinions of the matter, that friend, who, 
as I told you before, was a little hot-headed, favoured me 
with a visit, and having heard a circumstantial account of 
the whole affair, could not contain his indignation, but 
affirmed, without ceremony, that Marmozet was the sole 
occasion of my disappointment; that he had acted from first 
to last with the most perfidious dissimulation, cajoling me 
with insinuating civilities, while he underhand employed all 
his art and influence to prejudice the ignorant manager 
against my performance; that nothing could equal his 
hypocrisy but his avarice, which engrossed the faculties of 
his soul so much, that he scrupled not to be guilty of the 
meanest practices to gratify that sordid appetite; that in 
consequence of this disposition, he had prostituted his 
honour in betraying my inexperience, and in undermining the 
interest of another author of established reputation, who 
had also offered a tragedy to the stage, which he thought 
would interfere with the success of the comedy he had 
bought, and determined to bring on at all events.
'I was shocked at the description of such a monster, which I 
could not believe existed in the world, bad as it is, and 
argued against the asseverations of my friend, by 
demonstrating the bad policy of such behaviour, which could 
not fail of entailing infamy upon the author; and the small 
temptation that a man of Mr Marmozet's figure and success 
could have to consult his interest in such a grovelling 
manner, which must create contempt and abhorrence of him in 
his patrons, and effectually deprive him of the countenance 
and protection he now enjoys in such an eminent degree. He 
pretended to laugh at my simplicity, and asked if I knew for 
which of his virtues he was so much caressed by the people 
of fashion. "It is not," said he, "for the qualities of his 
heart, that this little parasite is invited to the tables of 
dukes and lords, who hire extraordinary cooks for his 
entertainment. His avarice they see not, his ingratitude 
they feel not, his hypocrisy accommodates itself to their 
humours, and is of consequence pleasing; but he is chiefly 
courted for his buffoonery, and will be admitted into the 
choicest parties of quality for his talent of mimicking 
Punch and his wife Joan, when a poet of the most exquisite 
genius is not able to attract the least regard." God forbid, 
Mr Random, that I should credit assertions that degrade the 
dignity of our superiors so much, and represent that poor 
man as the most abject of all beings! No! I looked upon them 
as the hyperboles of passion; and though that comedy of 
which he spoke did actually appear, I dare not doubt the 
innocence of Mr Marmozet, who, I am told, is as much as ever 
in favour with the earl: a circumstance that surely could 
not be, unless he had vindicated his character to the 
satisfaction of his lordship. Pray forgive this long 
digression, and give the hearing a little longer; for, thank 
Heaven! I am now near the goal.
'Baffled in all my attempts, I despaired of seeing my play 
acted; and bethought myself of choosing some employment that 
might afford a sure, though mean subsistence; but my 
landlord, to whom I was by this time considerably indebted, 
and who had laid his account with having his money paid all 
in a heap, from the profits of my third night, could not 
brook his disappointment, therefore made another effort in 
my behalf, and, by dint of interest, procured a message from 
a lady of fashion to Mr Brayer, who had always professed a 
great veneration for her, desiring that he would set up my 
play forthwith, and assuring him that she and all her 
friends would support it in the performance. To strengthen 
my interest, she engaged his best actors in my cause; and, 
in short, exerted herself so much, that it was again 
received, and my hopes began to revive. But Mr Brayer, 
honest man, was so much engrossed by business of vast 
consequence, though to appearance he had nothing at all to 
do, that he could not find time to read it until the season 
was pretty far advanced; and read it he must, for, 
notwithstanding his having perused it before, his memory did 
not retain one circumstance of the matter.
'At length he favoured it with his attention, and, having 
proposed certain alterations, sent his duty to the lady who 
patronized it, and promised, on his honour, to bring it on 
next winter, provided these alterations should be made, and 
the copy delivered to him before the end of April. With an 
aching heart, I submitted to these conditions, and performed 
them accordingly. But fortune owed me another unforeseen 
mortification; Mr Marmozet, during the summer, became joint 
patentee with Mr Brayer; so that, when I claimed performance 
of articles, I was told he could do nothing without the 
consent of his partner, who was pre-engaged to another 
author.
'My condition was rendered desperate by the death of my good 
friend and landlord, whose executors obtained a judgement 
against my effects, which they seized, turned me out into 
the streets naked, friendless, and forlorn; there I was 
arrested at the suit of my tailor, and thrown into this 
prison, where I have made shift to live these five weeks on 
the bounty of my fellow-prisoners, who, I hope, are not the 
worse for the instruction and good offices by which I 
manifest my gratitude; but, in spite of all their charitable 
endeavours, my life was scarce tolerable, until your 
uncommon benevolence enabled me to enjoy it with comfort.'



Chapter 64

As I shall not make any reflections on this story, in the 
course of which the reader must perceive how egregiously the 
simplicity and milky disposition of this worthy man had been 
duped and abused by a set of scoundrels. who were so 
habituated to falsehood and equivocation, that I verily 
believe they would have found the utmost difficulty in 
uttering one syllable of truth, though their lives had 
depended upon their sincerity. Notwithstanding all that I 
had suffered from the knavery and selfishness of mankind, I 
was amazed and incensed at the base indifference which 
suffered such uncommon merit as he possessed to languish in 
obscurity, and struggle with all the miseries of a loathsome 
jail; and should have blessed the occasion that secluded me 
from such a perfidious world, had not the remembrance of the 
amiable Narcissa preserved my attachment to that society of 
which she constituted a part. The picture of that lovely 
creature was the constant companion of my solitude. How 
often did I contemplate the resemblance of those enchanting 
features that first captivated my heart! How often did I 
weep over those endearing scenes which her image recalled; 
and how often did I curse my perfidious fate for having 
robbed me of the fair original! In vain did my imagination 
flatter me with schemes of future happiness; surely reason 
always interposed, and, in a moment, overthrew that 
unsubstantial fabric, by chastising the extravagance of my 
hope, and representing my unhappy situation in the right 
point of view. In vain did I fly for refuge to the 
amusements of the place, and engage in the parties of 
Jackson, at cards, billiards, ninepins, and fives; a train 
of melancholy thoughts took possession of my soul, which 
even the conversation of Melopoyn could not divert. I 
ordered Strap to inquire every day at Banter's lodgings, in 
expectation of hearing again from my charmer; and my 
disappointment considerably augmented my chagrin. My 
affectionate valet was infected with my sorrow, and often 
sat with me whole hours without speaking, uttering sigh for 
sigh, and shedding tear for tear. This fellowship increased 
our distemper; he became incapable of business, and was 
discarded by his master; while I, seeing my money melt away, 
without any certainty of deliverance, and, in short, all my 
hopes frustrated, grew negligent of life, lost all appetite, 
and degenerated into such a sloven, that during the space of 
two months I was neither washed, shifted, nor shaved; so 
that my face, rendered meagre with abstinence, was obscured 
with dirt, and overshadowed with hair, and my whole 
appearance squalid and even frightful; when, one day, Strap 
brought me notice that there was a man below who wanted to 
speak with me. Roused at this intelligence, and in full 
hopes of receiving a letter from the dear object of my love, 
I ran downstairs with the utmost precipitation, and found, 
to my infinite surprise, my generous uncle Mr Bowling. 
Transported at the sight, I sprung forward to embrace him. 
Upon which he started aside with great agility, drew his 
hanger, and put himself upon his guard, saying, 'Avast, 
brother, avast! sheer off! - Yoho! you turnkey, why don't 
you keep a better look-out? here's one of your crazy 
prisoners broke from his lashings, I do suppose.' I could 
not help laughing heartily at his mistake; but this I soon 
rectified by my voice, which he instantly recollected, and 
shook me by the hand with great affection, testifying his 
concern at seeing me in such a miserable condition.
I conducted him to my apartment, where, in presence of 
Strap, whom I introduced to him as one of my best friends, 
he gave me to understand that he was just arrived from the 
Coast of Guinea, after having made a pretty successful 
voyage, in which he acted as mate, until the ship was 
attacked by a French privateer; that the captain being 
killed during the engagement, he had taken the command, and 
was so fortunate as to sink the enemy; after which exploit 
he fell in with a merchant ship from Martinico, laden with 
sugar, indigo, and some silver; and, by virtue of his letter 
of marque, attacked, took, and brought her safe in Kinsale, 
in Ireland, where she was condemned as a lawful prize; by 
which means he had not only got a pretty sum of money, but 
also acquired the favour of his owners, who had already 
conferred upon him the command of a large ship, mounted with 
twenty nine-pounders, ready to sail upon a very advantageous 
voyage, which he was not at liberty to discover. And he 
assured me, that it was with the greatest difficulty that he 
had found me, in consequence of a direction left for him at 
his lodgings at Wapping.
I was rejoiced beyond measure at this account of his good 
fortune; and, at his desire, recounted all the adventures 
that had happened to me since we parted. When he understood 
the particulars of Strap's attachment to me, he squeezed his 
hand very cordially, and promised to make a man of him; then 
giving me ten guineas for my present occasion, took a 
direction for the tailor who arrested me and went away in 
order to discharge the debt, telling me at parting that he 
would soon fetch up all my leeway with a wet sail.
I was utterly confounded at this sudden transition, which 
affected me more than any reverse I had formerly felt; and a 
crowd of incoherent ideas rushed so impetuously upon my 
imagination, that my reason could neither separate nor 
connect them, when Strap, whose joy had manifested itself in 
a thousand fooleries, came into my room with his shaving 
utensils, and, without any previous intimation, began to 
lather my beard, whistling with great emotion all the while. 
I started from my reverie, and being too well acquainted 
with Strap to trust myself in his hands while he was under 
such agitation, desired to be excused, sent for another 
barber, and suffered myself to be trimmed. Having performed 
the ceremony of ablution, I shifted, and dressing in my 
gayest apparel, waited for the return of my uncle, who was 
agreeably surprised at my sudden transformation.
This beneficent kinsman had satisfied my creditor, and 
obtained an order for my discharge, so that I was no longer 
a prisoner; but as I had some reluctance to part with my 
friends and fellows in distress, I prevailed upon Mr Bowling 
to favour us with his company, and invited Mr Melopoyn and 
Jackson to spend the evening at my apartment, where I 
regaled them with a supper, good wine, and the news of my 
release, on which they heartily congratulated me, 
notwithstanding the loss of my company, which, they were 
pleased to say, they should severely feel. As for Jackson, 
his misfortune made so little impression on himself, and he 
was altogether so loose, indifferent, and indiscreet, that I 
could scarce pity his situation. But I had conceived a 
veneration and friendship for the poet, who was in all 
respects an object much more worthy of compassion and 
regard. When our guests withdrew, and my uncle had retired, 
with an intention to visit me next morning, I made up a 
bundle of some linen and other necessaries, and bidding 
Strap carry them to Mr Melopoyn's lodgings, went thither 
myself and pressed it upon his acceptance, with five 
guineas, which, with much difficulty, he received, assuring 
me, at the same time, that he should never have it in his 
power to make satisfaction. I then asked if I could serve 
him any other way? To which he answered, 'You already have 
done too much'; and unable to contain the emotions of his 
soul any longer, burst into tears and wept aloud. Moved at 
this spectacle, I left him to his repose; and when my uncle 
returned in the morning, represented his character in such 
favourable light, that the honest seaman was affected with 
his distress, and determined to follow my example, in 
presenting him with five pieces more. Upon which, that I 
might save him some confusion, I advised Mr Bowling to 
enclose it in a letter to be delivered by Strap after we 
should be gone.
This was accordingly done. I took a formal leave of all my 
acquaintance in the jail; and just as I was about to step 
into an hackney-coach at the gate, Jackson calling me, I 
returned, and he asked me in a whisper if I could lend him a 
shilling? His demand being so moderate, and in all 
likelihood the last he would make upon me, I slipped a 
guinea into his hand, which he no sooner perceived, than he 
cried, 'O Jesus! a guinea!' then laying hold of a button of 
my coat, broke out into an immoderate fit of laughter; and 
when his convulsion was ended, told me I was an honest 
fellow, and let me go. The coachman was ordered to drive to 
Mr Bowling's lodgings, where, when we arrived, he entered 
into a serious discourse with me on the subject of my 
situation, and proposed that I should sail with him in 
quality of his surgeon; in which case he would put me in a 
method of getting a fortune in a few years by my own 
industry; and assured me that I might expect to inherit all 
that he should die possessed of, provided I should survive 
him. Though I was penetrated with a sense of his generosity, 
I was startled at a proposal that offered violence to my 
love, and signified my sentiments on that head, which he did 
not seem to relish, but observed that love was the fruit of 
idleness; that, when once I should be employed in business, 
and my mind engaged in making money, I should be no more 
troubled with these silly notions, which none but your fair-
weather Jacks, who have nothing but their pleasure to mind, 
ought to entertain. I was piqued at this insinuation, which 
I looked upon as a reproach, and without giving myself time 
to deliberate, accepted his offer. He was overjoyed at my 
compliance, carried me immediately to his chief owner, with 
whom a bargain was struck; so that then I could not retract 
with honour, had I been ever so much averse to the 
agreement.
That I might not have time to cool, he bade me draw out a 
list of medicines for a complement of five hundred men, 
adapted to the distempers of hot climates, and sufficient 
for a voyage of eighteen months, and carry it to a certain 
wholesale apothecary, who would also provide me in two well-
qualified mates. While I was thus employed, Strap came in, 
and looked very blank when he understood my resolution. 
However, after a pause of some minutes, he insisted upon 
going along with me; and at my desire was made ship's 
steward by Captain Bowling, who promised to be at the 
expense of fitting him out, and to lend him two hundred 
pounds to purchase an adventure.
When I had delivered my list of medicines, chosen a couple 
of my own countrymen for mates, and bespoke a set of 
chirurgical instruments, my uncle told me that, by his last 
voyage, he had cleared almost three thousand pounds, one-
third of which he would immediately make over and put into 
my hands; that he would procure for me credit to the value 
of as much more, in such goods as would turn to best account 
in the country to which we were bound; and that, although he 
looked upon my interest as his own, he would keep the 
remaining part of his fortune in his own disposal, with a 
view of preserving his independence, and a power of 
punishing me, in case I should not make a good use of what 
he had already bestowed.
Without troubling the reader with an account of the effect 
which this surprising generosity had upon my mind, I shall 
only say that his promises were instantly performed, and an 
invoice of merchandise proper for the voyage presented to 
me, that I might purchase the goods and ship them with all 
expedition. In the midst of this hurry, the remembrance of 
my charming Narcissa often interposed, and made me the most 
miserable of all mortals. I was distracted with the thought 
of being torn from her, perhaps for ever; and though the 
hope of seeing her again might have supported me under the 
torments of separation, I could not reflect upon the anguish 
she must feel at parting with me, and the incessant sorrows 
to which her tender bosom would be exposed during my 
absence, without being pierced with the deepest affliction. 
As my imagination was daily and nightly upon the rack to 
invent some method of mitigating this cruel stroke, or at 
least of acquitting my love and honour in the opinion of 
this gentle creature, I at length stumbled upon an 
expedient, with which the reader will be made acquainted in 
due time; and, in consequence of my determination, became 
less uneasy and disturbed.
My business being finished and the ship ready to sail, I 
resolved to make my last appearance among my acquaintance at 
the other end of the town, where I had not been since my 
imprisonment; and as I had, by the advice of my uncle, taken 
off some very rich clothes for sale, I put on the gayest 
suit in my possession, and went in a chair to the coffee-
house I used to frequent, where I found my friend Banter so 
confounded at the magnificence of my dress, that, when I 
made up to him, he gazed at me with a look of astonishment, 
without being able, for some minutes, to open his lips; then 
pulling me aside by the sleeve, and fixing his eyes on mine, 
accosted me in this manner: 'Random, where the devil have 
you been? eh! - What is the meaning of all this finery.? - 
Oho! I understand you. - You are just arrived from the 
country! what! the roads are good, eh! - Well, Random, you 
are a bold fellow, and a lucky fellow! - but take care, the 
pitcher goes often to the well, but is broke at last.' So 
saying, he pointed to his collar; by which gesture, and the 
broken hints he had ejaculated, I found he suspected me of 
having robbed on the highway; and I laughed very heartily at 
his supposition. Without explaining myself any further, I 
told him he was mistaken in his conjecture; that I had been 
for some time past with the relation of whom he had 
frequently heard me speak; and that, as I should set out 
next day upon my travels, I had come to take my leave of my 
friends, and to receive of him the money he had borrowed 
from me, which, now that I was going abroad, I should 
certainly have occasion for. He was a little disconcerted at 
this demand; but, recollecting himself in a moment, swore in 
an affected passion that I had used him extremely ill, and 
he would never forgive me, for having, by this short 
warning, put it out of his power to free himself of an 
obligation he could no longer bear. I could not help smiling 
at this pretended delicacy, which I commended highly, 
telling him he needed not to be uneasy on that score, for I 
would give him a direction to a merchant in the city, with 
whom I would leave a discharge for the sum, to be delivered 
upon payment. He professed much joy at this expedient, and 
with great eagerness asked the person's name and place of 
abode, which he forthwith wrote in his pocket-book, assuring 
me that he should not be long in my debt. This affair, which 
I knew he would never after think of, being settled to his 
satisfaction, I sent cards to all my friends, desiring the 
favour of their company at a tavern in the evening, when 
they honoured my invitation, and I had the pleasure of 
treating them in a very elegant manner, at which they 
expressed equal admiration as applause. Having enjoyed 
ourselves till midnight, I took my leave of them, and was 
well-nigh stifled with caresses. Next day I set out with 
Strap in a post-chaise for Gravesend, where we went on 
board, and, the wind serving, weighed anchor in less than 
twelve hours. Without meeting with any accident, we reached 
the Downs, where we were obliged to come to an anchor, and 
wait for an easterly wind to carry us out of the Channel.


Chapter 65

It was now I put in execution the scheme I had projected at 
London; and asking leave of the captain for Strap and me to 
stay on shore till the wind should become favourable, my 
request was granted, because he had orders to remain in the 
Downs until he should receive some dispatches from London, 
which he did not expect in less than a week. Having imparted 
my resolution to my trusty valet, who (though he endeavoured 
to dissuade me from such a rash undertaking) would not quit 
me in the enterprise, I hired horses, and set out 
immediately for that part of Sussex where my charmer was 
confined, which was not above thirty miles distant from 
Deal, where we mounted. As I was perfectly well acquainted 
with the extent of the squire's estate and influence, I 
halted within five miles of his house, where we remained 
till the twilight, at which time we set forward, and, by the 
favour of a dark night, reached a copse about half a mile 
from the village where Mrs Sagely lived. Here we left our 
horses tied to a tree, and went directly to the house of my 
old benefactress, Strap trembling all the way, and venting 
ejaculatory petitions to Heaven for our safety. Her 
habitation being quite solitary, we arrived at the door 
without being observed, when I ordered my companion to enter 
by himself, and, in case there should be company with her, 
deliver a letter which I had writ for that purpose, and say 
that a friend of hers in London, understanding that he 
intended to travel this road, had committed it to his care. 
He rapped at the door, to which the good old matron coming, 
told him, that being a lone woman, he must excuse her if she 
did not open it until he had declared his name and business. 
He answered that his name was unknown to her, and that his 
business was to deliver a letter, which, to free from her 
all manner of apprehension, he would convey to her through 
the space between the door and threshold. This he instantly 
performed; and she no sooner read the contents, which 
specified my being present, than she cried, 'If the person 
who wrote this letter be at hand, let him speak, that I may 
be assured by his voice whether or not I may safely admit 
him.' I forthwith applied my mouth to the keyhole and 
pronounced, 'Dear mother, you need not be afraid; it is I, 
so much indebted to your goodness, who now crave 
admittance.' She knew my voice, and opening the door 
immediately, received me with a truly maternal affection, 
manifesting, by the tears she let fall, her concern lest I 
should be discovered, for she had been informed of 
everything that had happened between Narcissa and me, from 
the dear captive's own mouth.
When I explained the motive of my journey, which was no 
other than a desire of seeing the object of my love before I 
should quit the kingdom, that I might in person convince her 
of the necessity I was under to leave her, reconcile her to 
that event, by describing the advantages that in all 
probability would attend it, repeat my vows of eternal 
constancy, and enjoy the melancholy pleasure of a tender 
embrace at parting; I say, when I had thus signified my 
intention, Mrs Sagely told me that Narcissa, upon her return 
from Bath, had been so strictly watched, that nobody but one 
or two of the servants, devoted to her brother, was admitted 
to her presence; that afterwards she had been a little 
enlarged, and was permitted to see company, during which 
indulgence she had been several times at her cottage; but of 
late she had been betrayed by one of the servants, who 
discovered to the squire that he had once carried a letter 
from her to the post-house, directed to me; upon which 
information she was now more confined than ever, and that I 
could have no chance of seeing her, unless I would run the 
risk of getting into the garden, where she and her maid were 
every day allowed to take the air, and lie hid until I 
should have an opportunity of speaking to them - an 
adventure attended with such danger that no man in his right 
wits would attempt it. This enterprise, hazardous as it was, 
I resolved to perform, in spite of all the arguments of Mrs 
Sagely, who reasoned, chid, and entreated by turns, and the 
tears and prayers of Strap, who conjured me, on his knees, 
to have more regard to myself, as well as to him, than to 
attempt my own destruction in such a precipitate manner. I 
was deaf to everything but the suggestions of my love; and 
ordering him to return immediately with the horses to the 
inn from whence we set out, and wait for my coming in that 
place, he at first peremptorily refused to leave me, until I 
persuaded him that, if our horses should remain where they 
were till daylight, they would certainly be discovered, and 
the whole county alarmed. On this consideration, he took his 
leave in a sorrowful plight, kissed my hand, and weeping, 
cried, 'God knows if ever I shall see you again.' - My kind 
landlady, finding me obstinate, gave me her best advice how 
to behave in the execution of my project; and, after having 
persuaded me to take a little refreshment, accommodated me 
with a bed, and left me to my repose. Early in the morning I 
arose, and armed with a couple of loaded pistols and a 
hanger, went to the back of the squire's garden, climbed 
over the wall, and, according to Mrs Sagely's direction, 
concealed myself in a thicket, hard by an alcove that 
terminated a walk at a good distance from the house, which 
(I was told) my mistress chiefly frequented. Here I 
absconded from five o'clock in the morning to six in the 
evening, without seeing a human creature: at last I 
perceived two women approaching, whom, by my throbbing 
heart, I soon recognized to be the adorable Narcissa and 
Miss Williams. I felt the strongest agitation of soul at the 
sight; and guessing that they would repose themselves in the 
alcove, stepped into it unperceived, and laid upon the stone 
table a picture of myself in miniature, for which I had sat 
in London, purposing to leave it with Narcissa before I 
should go abroad. I exposed it in this manner as an 
introduction to my own appearance, which, without some 
previous intimation, I was afraid might have an unlucky 
effect upon the delicate nerves of my fair enslaver; and 
then withdrew into the thicket, where I could hear their 
discourse, and suit myself to the circumstances of the 
occasion. As they advanced, I observed an air of melancholy 
in the countenance of Narcissa, blended with such 
unspeakable sweetness, that I could scarce refrain from 
flying into her arms, and kissing away the pearly drop that 
stood collected in each bewitching eye. According to my 
expectation, she entered the alcove, and perceiving 
something on the table, took it up. No sooner did she cast 
her eye upon the features, than, startled at the 
resemblance, she cried, 'Good God!' and the roses instantly 
vanished from her cheeks. Her confidante, alarmed at this 
exclamation, looked at the picture, and, struck with the 
likeness, exclaimed, 'O Jesus! the very features of Mr 
Random!' Narcissa having recollected herself a little, said, 
'Whatever angel brought it hither as a comfort to me in my 
affliction, I am thankful for the benefit, and will preserve 
it as the dearest object of my care.' So saying, she kissed 
it with surprising ardour, shed a flood of tears, and then 
deposited the lifeless image in her lovely bosom. 
Transported at these symptoms of her unaltered affection, I 
was about to throw myself at her feet, when Miss Williams, 
whose reflection was less engaged than that of her mistress, 
observed that the picture could not transport itself hither, 
and that she could not help thinking I was not far off. The 
gentle Narcissa, startling at this conjecture, answered, 
'Heaven forbid! for although nothing in the universe could 
yield me satisfaction equal to that of his presence for one 
poor moment, in a proper place, I would rather forfeit his 
company - almost for ever, than see him here, where his life 
would be exposed to so much danger.' I could no longer 
restrain the impulse of my passion, but, breaking from my 
concealment, stood before her, when she uttered a fearful 
shriek, and fainted in the arms of her companion. I flew 
towards the treasure of my soul, clasped her in my embrace, 
and, with the warmth of my kisses, brought her again to 
life. O! that I were endowed with the expression of a 
Raphael, the graces of a Guido, the magic touches of a 
Titian, that I might represent the fond concern, the 
chastened rapture, and ingenuous blush that mingled in her 
beauteous face when she opened her eyes upon me, and 
pronounced, 'O heavens! is it you?'
I am afraid I have already encroached upon the reader's 
patience with the particulars of this amour, on which, I 
own, I cannot help being impertinently circumstantial. I 
shall therefore omit the less material passages of this 
interview, during which I convinced her reason, though I 
could not appease the sad presages of her love, with regard 
to the long voyage and dangers I must undergo. When we had 
spent an hour (which was all she could spare from the 
barbarity of her brother's vigilance) in lamenting over our 
hard fate, and in repeating our reciprocal vows, Miss 
Williams reminded us of the necessity there was for our 
immediate parting; and sure, lovers never parted with such 
sorrow and reluctance as we. But because my words are 
incapable of doing justice to this affecting circumstance, I 
am obliged to draw a veil over it, and observe that I 
returned in the dark to the house of Mrs Sagely, who was 
overjoyed to hear of my success, and opposed the tumults of 
my grief with such strength of reason, that my mind regained 
in some measure its tranquillity; and that very night, after 
having forced upon the good gentlewoman a purse of twenty 
guineas, as a token of my gratitude and esteem, I took my 
leave of her, and set out on foot for the inn, where my 
arrival freed honest Strap from the horrors of unutterable 
dread.
We took horse immediately, and alighted early next morning 
at Deal, where I found my uncle in great concern on account 
of my absence, because he had received his dispatches, and 
must have weighed with the first fair wind, whether I had 
been on board or not. Next day, a brisk easterly gale 
springing up, we set sail, and in eight and forty hours got 
clear of the Channel.
When we were about two hundred leagues to westward of the 
Land's End, the captain taking me apart into the cabin, told 
me that, now he was permitted by his instructions, he would 
disclose the intent and destination of our voyage: 'The 
ship,' said he, 'which has been fitted out at a great 
expense, is bound for the coast of Guinea, where we shall 
exchange part of our cargo for slaves and gold dust; from 
thence we will transport our negroes to Buenos Ayres in New 
Spain, where, by virtue of passports obtained from our own 
court and that of Madrid, we will dispose of them and the 
goods that remain on board for silver, by means of our 
supercargo, who is perfectly well acquainted with the coast, 
the lingo, and inhabitants.' Being thus let into the secret 
of our expedition, I borrowed of the supercargo a Spanish 
grammar, dictionary, and some other books of the same 
language, which I studied with such application, that, 
before we arrived in New Spain, I could maintain a 
conversation with him in that tongue. Being arrived in the 
warm latitudes, I ordered, with the captain's consent, the 
whole ship's company to be blooded and purged, myself 
undergoing the same evacuation, in order to prevent those 
dangerous fevers to which northern constitutions are subject 
in hot climates; and I have reason to believe that this 
precaution was not unserviceable, for we lost but one sailor 
during our whole passage to the coast.
One day, when we had been about five weeks at sea, we 
described to windward a large ship bearing down upon us with 
all the sail she could carry. Upon which my uncle ordered 
the studding sails to be hoisted, and the ship to be cleared 
for engaging; but finding that, to use the seaman's phrase, 
we were very much wronged by the ship which had us in chase, 
and which by this time had hoisted French colours, he 
commanded the studding sails to be taken in, the course to 
be clewed up, the maintop sail to be backed, the tompions to 
be taken out of the guns, and every man to repair to his 
quarters. While everybody was busied in the performance of 
these orders, Strap came upon the quarter-deck, trembling, 
and looking aghast, and, with a voice half suppressed by 
fear, asked if I thought we were a match for the vessel in 
pursuit of us? Observing his consternation, I said, 'What! 
are you afraid, Strap?' 'Afraid!' he replied, 'n-no; what 
should I be afraid of? I thank God, I have a clear 
conscience; but I believe it will be a bloody battle, and I 
wish you may not have occasion for another hand to assist 
you in the cockpit.' I immediately perceived his drift, and 
making the captain acquainted with his situation, desired he 
might be stationed below with me and my mates. My uncle, 
incensed at his pusillanimity, bade me send him down 
instantly, that his fear might not infect the ship's 
company; whereupon I told the poor steward that I had begged 
him for my assistant, and desired him to go down and help my 
mates to get ready the instruments and dressings. 
Notwithstanding the satisfaction he must have felt at these 
tidings, he affected a shyness of quitting the upper deck; 
and said he hoped I did not imagine he was afraid to do his 
duty above board; for he believed himself as well prepared 
for death as any man in the ship, no disparagement to me or 
the captain. I was disgusted at this affectation, and, in 
order to punish his hypocrisy, assured him he might take his 
choice either of going down to the cockpit with me, or of 
staying upon deck during the engagement. Alarmed at this 
indifference, he replied, 'Well, to oblige you, I'll go 
down; but, remember, it is more for your sake than my own.' 
So saying, he disappeared in a twinkling, without waiting 
for an answer. By this time we could observe two tier of 
guns in the ship which pursued us, and which was now but two 
short miles astern. This discovery had an evident effect 
upon the sailors, who did not scruple to say that we should 
be torn to pieces, and blown out of the water, and that, in 
case any of them should lose their precious limbs, they must 
go a-begging for life, for there was no provision made by 
the merchants for those poor souls who were maimed in their 
service. The captain, understanding this backwardness, 
ordered the crew abaft, and spoke to them thus: 'My lads, I 
am told you hang an a-se. I have gone to sea thirty years 
man and boy, and never saw English sailors afraid before. 
Mayhap you think I want to expose you for the lucre of gain. 
Whosoever thinks so, thinks a damned lie, for my whole cargo 
is insured; so that, in case I should be taken, my loss 
would not be great. The enemy is stronger than we, to be 
sure. What then? have we not a chance for carrying away one 
of her masts, and so get clear of her? If we find her too 
hard for us, 'tis but striking at last. If any man is hurt 
in the engagement, I promise on the word of an honest seaman 
to make him a recompense according to his loss. So now, you 
that are lazy, lubberly, cowardly dogs, get away, and skulk 
in the hold and bread-room; and you that are jolly boys, 
stand by me, and let us give one broadside for the honour of 
Old England.' This eloquent harangue was so well adapted to 
the disposition of his hearers, that one and all of them, 
pulling off their hats, waved them over their heads, and 
saluted him with three cheers; upon which he sent his boy 
for two large case bottles of brandy, and having treated 
every man with a dram, they repaired to their quarters, and 
waited impatiently for the word of command. I must do my 
uncle the justice to say that, in the whole of his 
disposition, he behaved with the utmost intrepidity, 
conduct, and deliberation. The enemy being very near, he 
ordered me to my station, and was just going to give the 
word for hoisting the colours and firing, when the supposed 
Frenchman hauled down his white pennant, jack, and ensign, 
hoisted English ones, and fired a gun ahead of us. This was 
a joyful event to Captain Bowling, who immediately showed 
his colours and fired a gun to leeward. Upon which the other 
ship ran alongside of us, hailed him, and giving him to know 
that she was an English man-of-war of forty guns, ordered 
him to hoist out his boat and come on board. This command he 
obeyed with the more alacrity, because, upon inquiry, he 
found that she was commanded by an old messmate of his, who 
was overjoyed to see him, detained him to dinner, and sent 
his barge for the supercargo and me, who were very much 
caressed on his account. As this commander was destined to 
cruise upon the French, in the latitude of Martinico, his 
stem and quarters were adorned with white fleurs-de-lis, and 
the whole shell of the ship so much disguised for a decoy to 
the enemy, that it was no wonder my uncle did not know her, 
although he had sailed on board of her many years. We kept 
company with her four days, during which time the captains 
were never asunder and then parted, our course lying 
different from hers.
In less than a fortnight after our separation, we made the 
land of Guinea, near the mouth of the River Gambia, and 
trading along the coast as far to the southward of the line 
as Angola and Bengula, in less than six months disposed of 
the greatest part of our cargo, and purchased four hundred 
negroes, my adventure having been laid out in gold dust.
Our complement being made up, we took our departure from 
Cape Negro, and arrived in the Rio de la Plata in six weeks, 
having met with nothing remarkable in our voyage, except an 
epidemic fever, not unlike the jail distemper, which broke 
out among our slaves and carried off a good many of the 
ship's company; among whom I lost one of my mates, and poor 
Strap had well-nigh given up the ghost. Having produced our 
passport to the Spanish governor, we were received with 
great courtesy, sold our slaves in a very few days, and 
could have put off five times the number at our own price; 
though we were obliged to smuggle the rest of our 
merchandise, consisting of European bale goods, which, 
however, we made shift to dispose of at a great advantage.



Chapter 66

Our ship being freed from the disagreeable lading of 
negroes, to whom, indeed, I had been a miserable slave since 
our leaving the coast of Guinea, I began to enjoy myself, 
and breathe with pleasure the pure air of Paraguay, this 
part of which is reckoned the Montpellier of South America, 
and has obtained, on account of its climate, the name of 
Buenos Ayres. It was in this delicious place that I gave 
myself entirely up to the thoughts of my dear Narcissa, 
whose image still kept possession of my breast, and whose 
charms, enhanced by absence, appeared to my imagination, if 
possible, more engaging than ever! I calculated the profits 
of my voyage, which even exceeded my expectation; resolved 
to purchase a handsome sinecure upon my arrival in England, 
and, if I should find the squire as averse to me as ever, 
marry his sister by stealth; and in case our family should 
increase, rely upon the generosity of my uncle, who was by 
this time worth a considerable sum.
While I amused myself with these agreeable projects, and the 
transporting hopes of enjoying Narcissa, we were very much 
caressed by the Spanish gentlemen, who frequently formed 
parties of pleasure for our entertainment, in which we made 
excursions a good way into the country. Among those who 
signalized themselves by their civility to us, there was one 
Don Antonio de Ribera, a very polite young gentleman, with 
whom I had contracted an intimate friendship, who invited us 
one day to his country house, and, as a further inducement 
to our compliance, promised to procure for us the company of 
an English signior, who had been settled in these parts many 
years, and acquired the love and esteem of the whole 
province by his affability, good sense, and honourable 
behaviour.
We accepted his invitation, and set out for his villa, where 
we had not been longer than an hour, when the person arrived 
in whose favour I had been so much prepossessed. He was a 
tall man, remarkably well-shaped, of a fine mien and 
appearance, commanding respect, and seemed to be turned 
forty; the features of his face were saddened with a reserve 
and gravity, which in other countries would have been 
thought the effect of melancholy; but here appeared to have 
been contracted by his commerce with the Spaniards, who are 
remarkable for that severity of countenance. Understanding 
from Don Antonio that we were his countrymen, he saluted us 
all round very complaisantly, and fixing his eyes very 
attentively on me, uttered a deep sigh. I had been struck 
with a profound veneration for him at his first coming into 
the room; and no sooner observed this expression of his 
sorrow, directed, as it were, in a particular manner to me, 
than my heart took part of his grief. I sympathized 
involuntarily, and sighed in my turn. Having asked leave of 
our entertainer, he accosted us in English, professed his 
satisfaction at seeing so many of his countrymen in such a 
remote place, and asked the captain, who went by the name of 
Signior Thoma, from what part of Britain he had sailed, and 
whither he was bound. My uncle told him that we had sailed 
from the River Thames, and were bound for the same place by 
the way of Jamaica, where we intended to take in a lading of 
sugar.
Having satisfied himself in these and other particulars 
about the state of the war, he gave us to understand that he 
had a longing desire to revisit his native country, in 
consequence of which he had already transmitted to Europe 
the greatest part of his fortune in neutral bottoms, and 
would willingly embark the rest of it with himself in our 
ship, provided the captain had no objection to such a 
passenger. My uncle very prudently replied, that for his 
part he should be glad of his company, if he could procure 
the consent of the governor, without which he durst not 
admit him on board, whatever inclination he had to oblige 
him. The gentleman approved of his discretion, and, telling 
him that there would be no difficulty in obtaining the 
connivance of the governor, who was his good friend, shifted 
the conversation to another subject.
I was overjoyed to hear his intention, and already 
interested myself so much in his favour, that, had he been 
disappointed, I should have been very unhappy. In the course 
of our entertainment, he eyed me with uncommon attachment; I 
felt a surprising attraction towards him; when he spoke, I 
listened with attention and reverence; the dignity of his 
deportment filled me with affection and awe: and, in short, 
the emotions of my soul, in presence of this stranger, were 
strong and unaccountable!
Having spent the best part of the day with us, he took his 
leave, telling Captain Thoma that he should hear from him in 
a short time. He was no sooner gone, than I asked a thousand 
questions about him of Don Antonio, who could give me no 
other satisfaction, than that his name was Don Rodrigo, that 
he had lived fifteen or sixteen years in these parts, was 
reputed rich, and supposed to have been unfortunate in his 
younger years, because he was observed to nourish a pensive 
melancholy, even from the time of his first settlement among 
them; but that nobody had ventured to inquire into the cause 
of his sorrow, in consideration of his peace, which might 
suffer in the recapitulation of his misfortunes.
I was seized with an irresistible desire of knowing the 
particulars of his fate, and enjoyed not one hour of repose 
during the whole night, by reason of the eager conceptions 
that inspired me with regard to his story, which I resolved, 
if possible, to learn. Next morning, while we were at 
breakfast, three mules richly caparisoned arrived with a 
message from Don Rodrigo, desiring our company, and that of 
Don Antonio, at his house, which was situated about ten 
miles farther up in the country. I was pleased with this 
invitation, in consequence of which we mounted the mules 
which he had provided for us, and alighted at his house 
before noon. Here we were splendidly entertained by the 
generous stranger, who still seemed to show a particular 
regard for me, and, after dinner, made me a present of a 
ring set with a beautiful amethyst, the production of that 
country, saying, at the same time, that he was once blessed 
with a son, who, had he lived, would have been nearly of my 
age. This observation, delivered with a profound sigh, made 
my heart throb with violence; a crowd of confused ideas 
rushed upon my imagination, which while I endeavoured to 
unravel, my uncle perceived my absence of thought, and 
tapping me on the shoulder, said, 'Oons! are you asleep, 
Rory!' Before I had time to reply, Don Rodrigo, with 
uncommon eagerness of voice and look, pronounced, 'Pray, 
captain, what is the young gentleman's name?' - 'His name,' 
said my uncle, 'is Roderick Random.' 'Gracious Powers!' 
cried the stranger, starting up - 'and his mother's?' - 'His 
mother,' answered the captain, amazed, 'was called Charlotte 
Bowling.' 'O bounteous Heaven!' exclaimed Don Rodrigo, 
springing across the table, and clasping me in his arms, 'my 
son! my son! have I found thee again? - do I hold thee in my 
embrace, after having lost and despaired of seeing thee so 
long?' So saying, he fell upon my neck and wept aloud with 
joy; while the power of nature operating strongly in my 
breast, I was lost in rapture, and while he pressed me to 
his heart, let fall a shower of tears into his bosom. His 
utterance was choked up a good while by the agitation of his 
soul. At length he broke out into, 'Mysterious Providence! - 
O my dear Charlotte! there yet remains a pledge of our love; 
and such a pledge! - so found! - O Infinite Goodness! let me 
adore thy all-wise decrees!' Having thus expressed himself, 
he kneeled upon the floor, lifted up his eyes and hands to 
heaven, and remained some minutes in a silent ecstasy of 
devotion. I put myself in the same posture, adored the All-
good Disposer in a prayer of mental thanksgiving; and when 
his ejaculation was ended, did homage to my father, and 
craved his parental blessing. He hugged me again with 
unutterable fondness, and having implored the protection of 
Heaven upon my head, raised me from the ground, and 
presented me as his son to the company, who wept in concert 
over this affecting scene. Among the rest, my uncle did not 
fail to discover the goodness and joy of his heart. Albeit 
unused to the melting mood, he blubbered with great 
tenderness, and wringing my father's hand, cried, 'Brother 
Random, I'm rejoiced to see you - God be praised for this 
happy meeting.' Don Rodrigo, understanding that he was his 
brother-in-law, embraced him affectionately, saying, 'Are 
you my Charlotte's brother? - Alas! unhappy Charlotte! but 
why should I repine? we shall meet again never more to part! 
- Brother, you are truly welcome. Dear son, I am transported 
with unspeakable joy! - This day is a jubilee - my friends 
and servants shall share my satisfaction.'
While he dispatched messengers to the gentlemen in the 
neighbourhood to announce this event, and gave orders for a 
grand entertainment, I was so much affected with the tumults 
of passion which assailed me on this great, sudden, and 
unexpected occasion, that I fell sick, fevered, and in less 
than three hours became quite delirious; so that the 
preparations were countermanded, and the joy of the family 
converted into grief and despair. Physicians were instantly 
called, I was plentifully blooded in the foot, my lower 
extremities were bathed in a decoction of salutiferous 
herbs; in ten hours after I was taken ill I enjoyed a 
critical sweat, and next day felt no remains of the 
distemper, but an agreeable lassitude, which did not hinder 
me from getting up. During the progress of this fever, which 
from the term of its duration is called ephemera, my father 
never once quitted my bedside, but administered the 
prescriptions of the physicians with the most pious care; 
while Captain Bowling manifested his concern by the like 
attendance. I no sooner found myself delivered from the 
disease, than I bethought myself of my honest friend, Strap; 
and resolving to make him happy forthwith in the knowledge 
of my good fortune, told my father in general that I had 
been infinitely obliged to this faithful adherent, and 
begged he would indulge me so far as to send for him, 
without letting him know my happiness, until he could 
receive an account of it from my own mouth.
My request was instantly complied with, and a messenger with 
a spare mule detached to the ship, carrying orders from the 
captain to the mate to send the steward by the bearer. My 
health being, in the meantime, re-established, and my mind 
composed, I began to relish this important turn of my 
fortune, in reflecting upon the advantages with which it 
must be attended; and as the idea of my lovely Narcissa 
always joined itself to every scene of happiness I could 
imagine, I entertained myself now with the prospect of 
possessing her in that distinguished sphere to which she was 
entitled by her birth and qualifications. Having often 
mentioned her name while I was deprived of my senses, my 
father guessed that there was an intimate connection between 
us, and discovering the picture which hung in my bosom by a 
ribbon, did not doubt that it was the resemblance of my 
amiable mistress. In this belief he was confirmed by my 
uncle, who told him that it was the picture of a young woman 
to whom I was under promise of marriage. Alarmed at this 
piece of information, Don Rodrigo took the first opportunity 
of questioning me about the particulars of this affair, 
which when I had candidly recounted, he approved of my 
passion, and promised to contribute all in his power towards 
its success. Though I never doubted his generosity, I was 
transported on this occasion, and throwing myself at his 
feet, told him he had now completed my happiness; for, 
without the possession of Narcissa, I should be miserable 
among all the pleasures of life. He raised me with a smile 
of paternal fondness; said that he knew what it was to be in 
love; and observed that if he had been as tenderly beloved 
by his father as I was by mine, he should not now perhaps 
have cause - here he was interrupted by a sigh, the tear 
rushed into his eye, he suppressed the dictates of his 
grief, and the time being opportune, desired me to relate 
the passages of my life, which my uncle had told him were 
manifold and surprising. I recounted the most material 
circumstances of my fortune, to which he listened with 
wonder and attention, manifesting from time to time those 
different emotions which my different situations may be 
supposed to have raised in a parent's breast, and, when my 
detail was ended, blessed God for the adversity I had 
undergone, which, he said, enlarged the understanding, 
improved the heart, steeled the constitution, and qualified 
a young man for all the duties and enjoyments of life, much 
better than any education which affluence could bestow.
When I had thus satisfied his curiosity, I discovered an 
inclination to hear the particulars of his story, which he 
gratified, by beginning with his marriage, and proceeded to 
the day of his disappearing, as I have related in the first 
part of my memoirs. 'Careless of life,' continued he, 'and 
unable to live in a place where every object recalled the 
memory of my dear Charlotte, whom I had lost through the 
barbarity of an unnatural parent, I took my leave of you, my 
child, then an infant, with a heart full of unutterable woe, 
but little suspecting that my father's unkindness would have 
descended to my innocent orphan; and setting out alone at 
midnight for the nearest seaport, early next morning got on 
board a ship, bound as I had heard for France, and 
bargaining with the master for my passage, bade a long adieu 
to my native country, and put to sea with the first fair 
wind. The place of our destination was Granville; but we had 
the misfortune to run upon a ridge of rocks near the Island 
of Alderney, called the Caskets, where the sea running high, 
the ship went to pieces, the boat sunk alongside, and every 
soul on board perished, except myself, who, by the 
assistance of a grating, got ashore on the coast of 
Normandy. I went directly to Caen, where I was so lucky as 
to meet with a count whom I had formerly known in my 
travels. With this gentleman I set out for Paris, where I 
was recommended by him and other friends as a tutor to a 
young nobleman, whom I accompanied to the court of Spain. 
There we remained a whole year, at the end of which my pupil 
being recalled by his father, I quitted my office, and staid 
behind, by the advice of a certain Spanish grandee, who took 
me into his protection, and introduced me to another 
nobleman, who was afterwards created viceroy of Peru. He 
insisted on my attending him to his government in the 
Indies, where, however, by reason of my religion, it was not 
in his power to make my fortune any other way than by 
encouraging me to trade, which I had not long prosecuted, 
when my patron died, and I found myself in the midst of 
strangers, without one friend to support or protect me. 
Urged by this consideration, I sold my effects, and removed 
to this country, the governor of which, having been 
appointed by the viceroy, was my intimate acquaintance. Here 
has Heaven prospered my endeavours during a residence of 
sixteen years, in which my tranquillity was never invaded, 
but by the remembrance of your mother, whose death I have in 
secret mourned without ceasing, and the reflection of you, 
whose fate I could never learn, notwithstanding all my 
inquiries, by means of my friends in France, who, after the 
most strict examination, could give me no other account, 
than that you went abroad six years ago, and was never after 
heard of. I could not rest satisfied with this imperfect 
information, and though my hope of finding you was but 
languid, resolved to go in quest of you in person; for which 
purpose I have remitted to Holland the value of twenty 
thousand pounds, and am in possession of fifteen thousand 
more, with which I intended to embark myself on board of 
Captain Bowling, before I discovered this amazing stroke of 
Providence, which you may be sure has not altered my 
intention.' My father having entertained us with this 
agreeable sketch of his life, withdrew, in order to relieve 
Don Antonio, who, in his absence, had done the honours of 
his house; and I was just dressed for my appearance among 
the guests, when Strap arrived from the ship.
He no sooner entered the grand apartment in which I was, and 
saw the magnificence of my apparel, than his speech was lost 
in amazement, and he gaped in silence at the objects that 
surrounded him. I took him by the hand, observed that I had 
sent for him to be a witness and sharer of my happiness, and 
told him I had found a father. At these words he started, 
and after having continued some minutes with his mouth and 
eyes wide open, cried, 'Aha! odd, I know what! go thy ways, 
poor Narcissa, and go thy ways, somebody else - well - Lord, 
what a thing is love! - God help us! are all our mad pranks 
and protestations come to this? and have you fixed your 
habitation in this distant land? God prosper you! - I find 
we must part at last - for I would not leave my poor carcass 
so far from my native home for all the wealth in the 
universe!' With these ejaculations, he began to sob and make 
wry faces; upon which I assured him of his mistake, both in 
regard to Narcissa and my staying at Paraguay, and informed 
him, as briefly as I could, of the great event which had 
happened. Never was rapture more ludicrously expressed than 
in the behaviour of this worthy creature, who cried, 
laughed, whistled, sung and danced all in a breath. His 
transport was scarce over, when my father entered, who no 
sooner understood that this was Strap, than he took him by 
the hand, saying, 'Is this the honest man who befriended you 
so much in your distress? you are welcome to my house, and I 
will soon put it in the power of my son to reward you for 
your good offices in his behalf; in the meantime, go with 
us, and partake of the repast that is provided.' Strap, wild 
as he was with joy, would by no means accept of the 
proffered honour, crying, 'God forbid! - I know my distance 
your worship shall excuse me.' And Don Rodrigo finding his 
modesty invincible, recommended him to his major-domo, to be 
treated with the utmost respect; while he carried me into a 
large saloon, where I was presented to a numerous company, 
who loaded me with compliments and caresses, and 
congratulated my father in terms not proper for me to 
repeat.
Without specifying the particulars of our entertainment, let 
it suffice to say it was at the same time elegant and 
sumptuous, and the rejoicings lasted two days. After which, 
Don Rodrigo settled his affairs, converted his effects into 
silver and gold, visited and took leave of all his friends, 
who were grieved at his departure, and honoured me with 
considerable presents; and coming on board of my uncle's 
ship, with the first favourable wind we sailed from the Rio 
de la Plata, and in two months came safe to an anchor in the 
harbour of Kingston, in the Island of Jamaica.


Chapter 67

I inquired, as soon as I got ashore, about my general 
companion, Mr Thomson; and hearing that he lived in a 
flourishing condition upon the estate left him by his wife's 
father, who had been dead some years, I took horse 
immediately, with the consent of Don Rodrigo, who had heard 
me mention him with great regard, and in a few hours reached 
the place of his habitation.
I should much wrong the delicacy of Mr Thomson's sentiments, 
to say barely he was glad to see me. He felt all that the 
most sensible and disinterested friendship could feel on 
this occasion; introduced me to his wife, a very amiable 
young lady, who had already blessed him with two fine 
children; and being as yet ignorant of my circumstances, 
frankly offered me the assistance of his purse and interest. 
I thanked him for his generous intention, and made him 
acquainted with my situation, on which he congratulated me 
with great joy, and after I had staid with him a whole day 
and night, accompanied me back to Kingston, to wait upon my 
father, whom he invited to his house. Don Rodrigo complied 
with his request, and having been handsomely entertained 
during the space of a week, returned extremely well 
satisfied with the behaviour of my friend and his lady, to 
whom, at parting, he presented a very valuable diamond ring, 
as a token of his esteem. During the course of my 
conversation with Mr Thomson, he gave me to understand that 
his and my old commander, Captain Oakum, was dead some 
months; and that, immediately after his death, a discovery 
had been made of some valuable effects that he had 
feloniously secreted out of a prize, by the assistance of 
Doctor Macshane, who was now actually in prison on that 
account, and being destitute of friends, subsisted solely on 
the charity of my friend, whose bounty he had implored in 
the most abject manner, after having been the barbarous 
occasion of driving him to that terrible extremity on board 
of the Thunder, which we have formerly related. Whatsoever 
this wretch might have been guilty of, I applauded Mr 
Thomson's generosity towards him in his distress, which 
wrought so much upon me also, that I sent him ten pistoles, 
in such a private manner that he could never know his 
benefactor.
While my father and I were caressed among the gentlemen on 
shore, Captain Bowling had written to his owners by the 
packet, which sailed a few days after our arrival, 
signifying his prosperous voyage hitherto, and desiring them 
to insure his ship and cargo homeward-bound; after which 
precaution, he applied himself so heartily to the task of 
loading his ship, that, with the assistance of Mr Thomson, 
she was full in less than six weeks. This kind gentleman 
likewise procured for Don Rodrigo bills upon London for the 
greatest part of his gold and silver, by which means it was 
secured against the risk of the seas and the enemy; and, 
before we sailed, supplied us with such large quantities of 
all kinds of stock, that not only we, but the ship's 
company, fared sumptuously during the voyage.
Everything being ready, we took our leave of our kind 
entertainers, and, going on board at Port Royal, set sail 
for England on the first day of June. We beat up to windward 
with fine easy weather; and one night, believing ourselves 
near Cape Tiberoon, lay to, with an intention to wood and 
water next morning in the bay. While we remained in this 
situation, a sailor, having drank more new rum than he could 
carry, staggered overboard, and notwithstanding all the 
means that could be used to preserve him, went to the bottom 
and disappeared. About two hours after this melancholy 
accident happened, as I enjoyed the cool air on the quarter-
deck, I heard a voice rising, as it were, out of the sea, 
and calling, 'Ho, the ship, ahoy!' Upon which one of the men 
upon the forecastle cried, 'I'll be damned, if that ain't 
Jack Marlinspike, who went overboard!' Not a little 
surprised at this event, I jumped into the boat that lay 
alongside, with the second mate and four men, and, rowing 
towards the place from whence the voice (which repeated the 
hail) seemed to proceed, we perceived something floating 
upon the water; when we had rowed a little farther, we 
discerned it to be a man riding upon a hencoop, who, seeing 
us approach, pronounced with a hoarse voice, 'Damn your 
bloods! why did you not answer when I hailed?' Our mate, who 
was a veritable seaman, hearing this salute, said 'By Gad, 
my lads, this is none of our men. This is the devil - pull 
away for the ship.' The fellows obeyed his command without 
question, and were already some fathoms on our return, when 
I insisted on their taking up the poor creature, and 
prevailed upon them to go back to the wreck; which when we 
came near the second time, and signified our intention, we 
received an answer of, 'Avast, avast - what ship, brother?'
Being satisfied in this particular, he cried, 'Damn the 
ship, I was in hopes it had been my own - where are you 
bound?' We satisfied his curiosity in this particular too; 
upon which he suffered himself to be taken on board, and, 
after having been comforted with a dram, told us, he 
belonged to the Vesuvio man-of-war, upon a cruise off the 
Island of Hispaniola; he had fallen overboard about four and 
twenty hours ago, and the ship being under sail, they did 
not choose to bring to, but tossed a hencoop overboard for 
his convenience, upon which he was in good hopes of reaching 
the Cape next morning; howsomever, he was as well content to 
be aboard of us, because he did not doubt that we should 
meet his ship; and, if he had gone ashore in the bay, he 
might have been taken prisoner by the French. My uncle and 
father were very much diverted with the account of this 
fellow's unconcerned behaviour; and, in two days, meeting 
with the Vesuvio, as he expected, sent him on board of her, 
according to his desire.
Having beat up successfully the Windward Passage, we 
stretched to the northward, and falling in with a westerly 
wind, in eight weeks arrived in soundings, and in two days 
after made the Lizard. It is impossible to express the joy I 
felt at the sight of English ground! Don Rodrigo was not 
unmoved, and Strap shed tears of gladness. The sailors 
profited by our satisfaction; the shoe that was nailed to 
the mast being quite filled with our liberality. My uncle 
resolved to run up into the Downs at once; but the wind 
shifting when we were abreast of the Isle of Wight, he was 
obliged to turn into St Helen's and come to Spithead, to the 
great mortification of the crew, thirty of whom were 
immediately pressed on board of a man-of-war.
My father and I went ashore immediately at Portsmouth, 
leaving Strap with the captain to go round with the ship and 
take care of our effects; and I discovered so much 
impatience to see my charming Narcissa, that my father 
permitted me to ride across the country to her brother's 
house; while he should hire a post-chaise for London, where 
he would wait for me at a place to which I directed him.
Fired with all the eagerness of passion, I took post that 
very night, and in the morning reached an inn about three 
miles from the squire's habitation; here I remained till 
next morning, allaying the torture of my impatience with the 
rapturous hope of seeing that divine creature, after an 
absence of eighteen months, which, far from impairing, had 
raised my love to the most exalted pitch! Neither were my 
reflections free from apprehensions, that sometimes 
intervened in spite of all my hope, and represented her as 
having yielded to the importunity of her brother, and 
blessed the arms of an happy rival. My thoughts were even 
maddened with the fear of her death; and when I arrived in 
the dark at the house of Mrs Sagely, I had not for some time 
courage to desire admittance, lest my soul should be shocked 
with dismal tidings. At length, however, I knocked, and no 
sooner certified the good gentlewoman of my voice, than she 
opened the door and received me with a most affectionate 
embrace, that brought tears into her aged eyes. 'For 
Heaven's sake! dear mother,' cried I, 'tell me, how is 
Narcissa? is she the same that I left her?' She blessed my 
ears with saying, 'She is as beautiful, in as good health, 
and as much yours as ever.' Transported at this assurance, I 
begged to know if I could not see her that very night; when 
this sage matron gave me to understand that my mistress was 
in London, and that things were strangely altered in the 
squire's house since my departure; that he had been married 
a whole year to Melinda, who at first found means to wean 
his attention so much from Narcissa, that he became quite 
careless of that lovely sister, comforting himself with the 
clause in his father's will by which she should forfeit her 
fortune by marrying without his consent; that my mistress, 
being but indifferently treated by her sister-in-law, had 
made use of her freedom some months ago, and gone to town, 
where she was lodged with Miss Williams, in expectation of 
my arrival; and had been pestered with the addresses of Lord 
Quiverwit, who, finding her heart engaged, had fallen upon a 
great many shifts to persuade her that I was dead; but 
finding all his artifices unsuccessful, and despairing of 
gaining her affection, he had consoled himself for her 
indifference, by marrying another lady some weeks ago, who 
had already left him on account of some family uneasiness. 
Besides this interesting information, she told me that there 
was not a great deal of harmony between Melinda and the 
squire, who was so much disgusted at the number of gallants 
who continued to hover about her even after marriage, that 
he had hurried her down into the country, much against her 
own inclinations, where their mutual animosities had risen 
to such a height, that they preserved no decency before 
company or servants, but abused one another in the grossest 
terms.
This good old gentlewoman, to give me a convincing proof of 
my dear Narcissa's unalterable love, gratified me with a 
sight of the last letter she had favoured her with, in which 
I was mentioned with so much honour, tenderness, and 
concern, that my soul was fired with impatience, and I 
determined to ride all night, that I might have it the 
sooner in my power to make her happy. Mrs Sagely perceiving 
my eagerness, and her maternal affection being equally 
divided between Narcissa and me, begged leave to remind me 
of the sentiments with which I went abroad, that would not 
permit me for any selfish gratification to prejudice the 
fortune of that amiable young lady, who must entirely depend 
upon me after having bestowed herself in marriage. I thanked 
her for her kind concern, and as briefly as possible 
described my flourishing situation, which afforded this 
humane person infinite wonder and satisfaction. I told her, 
that now I had an opportunity to manifest my gratitude for 
the obligations I owed, I would endeavour to make her old 
age comfortable and easy; as a step to which, I proposed she 
should come and live with Narcissa and me. This venerable 
gentlewoman was so much affected with my words, that the 
tears ran down her ancient cheeks; she thanked Heaven that I 
had not belied the presages she had made, on her first 
acquaintance with me; acknowledging my generosity, as she 
called it, in the most elegant and pathetic expressions; but 
declined my proposal, on account of her attachment to the 
dear melancholy cottage where she had so peacefully consumed 
her solitary widowhood. Finding her immovable on this 
subject, I insisted on her accepting a present of thirty 
guineas, and took my leave, resolving to accommodate her 
with the same sum annually, for the more comfortable support 
of the infirmities of old age.
Having rode all night, I found myself at Canterbury in the 
morning, where I alighted to procure fresh horses; and, as I 
walked into the inn, perceived an apothecary's shop on the 
other side of the street, with the name of Morgan over the 
door. Alarmed at this discovery, I could not help thinking 
that my old messmate had settled in this place, and, upon 
inquiry, found my conjecture true, and that he was married 
lately to a widow in that city, by whom he had got three 
thousand pounds. Rejoiced at this intelligence, I went to 
his shop as soon as it was open, and found my friend behind 
the counter, busy in preparing a glyster. I saluted him at 
entrance with, 'Your servant, Mr Morgan.' Upon which he 
looked at me, and replying, 'Your most humble servant, goot 
sir!' rubbed his ingredients in the mortar, without any 
emotion. 'What!' said I, 'Morgan, have you forgot your old 
messmate?' At these words he looked up again, and starting, 
cried, 'As Got is my - sure it cannot - yes, by my 
salfation, I pelieve it is my dear friend Mr Random.' He was 
no sooner convinced of my identity, than he threw down the 
pestle, overset the mortar, and jumping over the board, 
swept up the contents with his clothes, flew about my neck, 
hugged me affectionately, and daubed me all over with 
turpentine and the yolks of eggs, which he had been mixing 
when I came in. Our mutual congratulations being over, he 
told me that he found himself a widower upon his return from 
the West Indies; that he had got interest to be appointed 
surgeon of a man-of-war, in which capacity he had served 
some years, until he married an apothecary's widow, with 
whom he now enjoyed a pretty good sum of money, peace and 
quiet, and an indifferent good trade. He was very desirous 
of hearing my adventures, which I assured him I had not time 
to relate, but told him in general, my circumstances were 
very good, and that I hoped to see him when I should not be 
in such a hurry as at present. He insisted, however, on my 
staying breakfast, and introduced me to his wife, who seemed 
to be a decent sensible woman, pretty well stricken in 
years. In the course of our conversation he showed the 
sleeve buttons I had exchanged with him at our parting in 
the West Indies, and was not a little proud to see that I 
had preserved his with the same care. When I informed him of 
Mackshane's condition, he seemed at first to exult over his 
distress; but, after a little recollection, said, 'Well, he 
has paid for his malice, I forgife him, and may Got forgife 
him likewise.' He expressed great concern for the soul of, 
Captain Oakum, which he believed was now gnashing its teeth; 
but it was some time before I could convince him of 
Thomson's being alive, at whose good fortune, nevertheless, 
he was extremely glad.
Having renewed our protestations of friendship, I bade the 
honest Welshman and his spouse farewell, and taking post-
horses, arrived at London that same night, where I found my 
father in good health, to whom I imparted what I had learned 
of Narcissa. This indulgent parent approved of my intention 
of marrying her, even without a fortune, provided her 
brother's consent could not be obtained; promised to make 
over to me in a few days a sufficiency to maintain her in a 
fashionable manner, and expressed a desire of seeing this 
amiable creature, who had captivated me so much. As I had 
not slept the night before, and was besides fatigued with my 
journey, I found myself under a necessity of taking some 
repose, and went to bed accordingly; next morning about ten 
o'clock, took a chair, and according to Mrs Sagely's 
directions, went to my charmer's lodgings and inquired for 
Miss Williams. I had not waited in the parlour longer than a 
minute, when this young woman entered, and no sooner 
perceived me, than she shrieked and ran backward; but I got 
between her and the door, and clasping her in my arms, 
brought her to herself with an embrace. 'Good Heaven,' cried 
she, 'Mr Random, is it you indeed? my mistress will run 
distracted with joy.' I told her it was from an apprehension 
that my sudden appearance might have some bad effect on my 
dear Narcissa, that I had desired to see her first, in order 
to concert some method of acquainting her mistress gradually 
with my arrival. She approved of my conduct, and, after 
having yielded to the suggestions of her own friendship, in 
asking if my voyage had been successful, charged herself 
with that office, and left me glowing with desire of seeing 
and embracing the object of my love. In a very little time I 
heard somebody come downstairs in haste, and the voice of my 
angel pronounce, with an eager tone, 'O Heaven! is it 
possible! where is he?' How were my faculties aroused at 
this well-known sound! and how was my soul transported, when 
she broke in upon my view, in all the bloom of ripened 
beauty! Grace was in all her steps, heaven in her eye, in 
every gesture dignity and love! - You whose souls are 
susceptible of the most delicate impressions, whose tender 
bosoms have felt the affecting vicissitudes of love, who 
have suffered an absence of eighteen long months from the 
dear object of your hope, and found at your return the 
melting fair, as kind and as constant as your heart could 
wish, do me justice on this occasion, and conceive what 
unutterable rapture possessed us both, while we flew into 
each other's arms! This was no time for speech - locked in a 
mutual embrace, we continued some minutes in a silent trance 
of joy! - When I thus encircled all that my soul held dear, 
while I hung over her beauties - beheld her eyes sparkle, 
and every feature flush with virtuous fondness; when I saw 
her enchanting bosom heave with undissembled rapture, and 
knew myself the happy cause - Heavens! what was my 
situation! I am tempted to commit my paper to the flames, 
and to renounce my pen for ever, because its most ardent and 
lucky expression so poorly describes the emotions of my 
soul. 'O adorable Narcissa,' cried I; 'O miracle of beauty, 
love, and truth! I at last fold thee in my arms! I at last 
can call thee mine! No jealous brother shall thwart our 
happiness again; fortune hath at length recompensed me for 
all my sufferings, and enabled me to do justice to my love.' 
The dear creature smiled ineffably charming, and with a look 
of bewitching tenderness, said, 'And shall we never part 
again?' 'Never,' I replied, 'thou wondrous pattern of all 
earthly perfection! never, until death shall divide us! By 
this ambrosial kiss, a thousand times more fragrant than the 
breeze that sweeps the orange grove, I never more will leave 
thee!' As my first transport abated, my passion grew 
turbulent and unruly. I was giddy with standing on the brink 
of bliss, and all my virtue and philosophy were scarce 
sufficient to restrain the inordinate sallies of desire. 
Narcissa perceived the conflict within me, and, with her 
usual dignity of prudence, called off my imagination from 
the object in view, and with eager expressions of interested 
curiosity, desired to know the particulars of my voyage. In 
this I gratified her inclination, bringing my story down to 
the present hour. She was infinitely surprised at the 
circumstance of my finding my father, which brought tears 
into her lovely eyes. She was transported at hearing that he 
approved my flame, discovered a longing desire of being 
introduced to him, congratulated herself and me upon my good 
fortune, and observed that this great and unexpected stroke 
of fate seemed to have been brought about by the immediate 
direction of Providence. Having entertained ourselves some 
hours with the genuine effusions of our souls, I obtained 
her consent to complete my happiness as soon as my father 
should judge it proper, and applying with my own hands a 
valuable necklace, composed of diamonds and amethysts set 
alternately, which an old Spanish lady at Paraguay had 
presented me with, I took my leave, promising to return in 
the afternoon with Don Rodrigo. When I went home, this 
generous parent inquired very affectionately about the 
health of my dear Narcissa, to whom that I might be the more 
agreeable, he put into my hand a deed, by which I found 
myself in possession of fifteen thousand pounds, exclusive 
of the profits of my own merchandise, which amounted to 
three thousand more. After dinner I accompanied him to the 
lodging of my mistress, who, being dressed for the occasion, 
made a most dazzling appearance. I could perceive him struck 
with her figure, which I really think was the most beautiful 
that ever was created under the sun. He embraced her 
tenderly, and told her he was proud of having a son who had 
a spirit to attempt and qualifications to engage the 
affections of such a fine lady. She blushed at this 
compliment, and with eyes full of the softest languishment 
turned upon me, said she should have been unworthy of Mr 
Random's attention, had she been blind to his extraordinary 
merit. I made no other answer than a low bow. My father, 
sighing, pronounced, 'Such once was my Charlotte!' while the 
tear rushed into his eye, and the tender heart of Narcissa 
manifested itself in two precious drops of sympathy, which, 
but for his presence, I would have kissed away. Without 
repeating the particulars of our conversation, I shall only 
observe that Don Rodrigo was as much charmed with her good 
sense as with her appearance; and she was no less pleased 
with his understanding and polite address. It was determined 
that he should write to the squire, signifying his 
approbation of my passion for his sister, and offering a 
settlement which he should have no reason to reject; and 
that, if he should refuse the proposal, we would crown our 
mutual wishes without any further regard to his will.



Chapter 68

After having spent the evening to the satisfaction of all 
present, my father addressed himself thus to Narcissa, 
'Madam, give me leave to consider you hereafter as my 
daughter, in which capacity I insist upon your accepting 
this first instance of my paternal duty and affection.' With 
these words he put into her hand a banknote of £500, which 
she no sooner examined, than, with a low curtsey, she 
replied, 'Dear sir, though I have not the least occasion for 
this supply, I have too great a veneration for you to refuse 
this proof of your generosity and esteem, which I the more 
freely receive, because I already look upon Mr Random's 
interest as inseparably connected with mine.' He was 
extremely well pleased with her frank and ingenuous reply; 
upon which we saluted, and wished her good night. The 
letter, at my request, was dispatched to Sussex by an 
express, and in the meantime, Don Rodrigo, to grace my 
nuptials, hired a ready-furnished house, and set up a very 
handsome equipage.
Though I passed the greatest part of the day with the 
darling of my soul, I found leisure sometimes to be among my 
former acquaintance, who were astonished at the magnificence 
of my appearance. Banter, in particular, was confounded at 
the strange vicissitudes of my fortune, the causes of which 
he endeavoured in vain to discover, until I thought fit to 
disclose the whole secret of my last voyage, partly in 
consideration of our former intimacy, and partly to prevent 
unfavourable conjectures which he and others, in all 
probability, would have made in regard to my circumstances. 
He professed great satisfaction at this piece of news, and I 
had no cause to believe him insincere, when I considered 
that he would now look upon himself as acquitted of the debt 
he owed me, and at the same time flatter himself with hopes 
of borrowing more. I carried him home to dinner with me, and 
my father liked his conversation so much, that, upon hearing 
his difficulties, he desired me to accommodate him for the 
present, and inquire if he would accept of a commission in 
the army, towards the purchase of which he would willingly 
lend him money. Accordingly, I gave my friend an opportunity 
of being alone with me, when, as I expected, he told me that 
he was just on the point of being reconciled to an old rich 
uncle, whose heir he was, but wanted a few pieces for 
immediate expense, which he desired I would lend him, and 
take his bond for the whole. His demand was limited to ten 
guineas; and when I put twenty into his hand, he stared at 
me for some moments; then putting it into his purse, said, 
'Ay, 'tis all one - you shall have the whole in a very short 
time.' When I had taken his note, to save the expense of a 
bond, I expressed some surprise that a fellow of his spirit 
should loiter away his time in idleness, and asked why he 
did not choose to make his fortune in the army? 'What!' said 
he, 'throw away my money upon a subaltern's commission, to 
be under the command of a parcel of scoundrels, who have 
raised themselves above me by the most infamous practices! 
No, I love independency too well to sacrifice my life, 
health, and pleasure for such a pitiful consideration.' 
Finding him averse to this way of life, I changed the 
subject and returned to Don Rodrigo, who had just received 
the following epistle from the squire:

"SIR - Concerning a letter which I received, subscribed R. 
Random, this is the answer. As for you, I know nothing of 
you. Your son, or pretended son, I have seen; - if he 
marries my sister, at his peril be it; I do declare, that he 
shall not have one farthing of her fortune, which becomes my 
property if she takes a husband without my consent. Your 
settlement, I do believe, is all a sham, and yourself no 
better than you should be; but if you had all the wealth of 
the Indies, your son shall never match in our family, with 
the consent of
"ORSON TOPEHALL."

My father was not much surprised at this polite letter, 
after having heard the character of the author; and as for 
me, I was even pleased at his refusal, because I now had an 
opportunity of showing my disinterested love. By his 
permission I waited on my charmer; and, having imparted the 
contents of her brother's letter, at which she wept 
bitterly, in spite of all my consolation and caresses, the 
time of our marriage was fixed at the distance of two days. 
During this interval, in which my soul was wound up to the 
last stretch of rapturous expectation, Narcissa endeavoured 
to reconcile some of her relations in town to her marriage 
with me; but, finding them all deaf to her remonstrances, 
either out of envy or prejudice, she told me with the most 
enchanting sweetness, while the tears bedewed her lovely 
cheeks, 'Sure the world will no longer question your 
generosity, when you take a poor forlorn beggar to your 
arms.' Affected with her sorrow, I pressed the fair mourner 
to my breast, and swore that she was more dear and welcome 
on that account, because she had sacrificed her friends and 
fortune to her love for me. My uncle, for whose character 
she had a great veneration, being by this time come to town, 
I introduced him to my bride; and although he was not very 
much subject to refined sensations, he was struck dumb with 
admiration at her beauty. After having kissed and gazed at 
her for some time, he turned to me, saying, 'Odds bobs, 
Rory! here's a notable prize, indeed, finely built and 
gloriously rigged, i'faith! if she ain't well manned when 
you have the command of her, sirrah, you deserve to go to 
sea in a cockleshell. No offence, I hope, niece; you must 
not mind what I say, being, as the saying is, a plain 
seafaring man; thof, mayhap, I have as much regard for you 
as another.' She received him with great civility, told him 
she had longed a great while to see a person to whom she was 
so much indebted for his generosity to Mr Ransom; that she 
looked upon him as her uncle, by which name she begged leave 
to call him for the future; and that she was very sure he 
could say nothing that would give her the least offence. The 
honest captain was transported at her courteous behaviour, 
and insisted upon giving her away at the ceremony, swearing 
that he loved her as well as if she was his own child, and 
that he would give two thousand guineas to the first fruit 
of our love, as soon as it could squeak. Everything being 
prepared for the solemnization of our nuptials, which were 
to be performed privately at my father's house, the 
auspicious hour arrived, when Don Rodrigo and my uncle went 
in the coach to fetch the bride and Miss Williams; leaving 
me with a parson, Banter, and Strap, neither of whom had as 
yet seen my charming mistress. My faithful valet, who was on 
the rack of impatience to behold a lady of whom he had heard 
so much, no sooner understood that the coach was returned, 
than he placed himself at a window to have a peep at her as 
she alighted; and when he saw her, clapped his hands 
together, turned up the white of his eyes, and, with his 
mouth wide open, remained in a sort of ecstasy, which broke 
out into, 'O Dea certe! qualis in Eurotae ripis, aut per 
juga Cynthi, exercet Diana choros!' The doctor and Banter 
were surprised to hear my man speak Latin; but when my 
father led Narcissa into the room, the object of their 
admiration was soon changed, as appeared in the countenances 
of both. Indeed, they must have been the most insensible of 
all beings, could they have beheld, without emotion, the 
divine creature that approached! She was dressed in a sack 
of white satin, embroidered on the breast with gold; the 
crown of her head was covered with a small French cap, from 
whence descended her beautiful hair in ringlets that waved 
upon her snowy neck, which dignified the necklace I had 
given her; her looks glowed with modesty and love; and her 
bosom, through the veil of gauze that shaded it, afforded a 
prospect of Elysium! I received this inestimable gift of 
Providence as became me; and in a little time the clergyman 
did his office, my uncle, at his own earnest request, acting 
the part of a father to my dear Narcissa, who trembled very 
much, and had scarce spirits sufficient to support her under 
this great change of situation. Soon as she was mine by the 
laws of heaven and earth, I printed a burning kiss upon her 
lips, my father embraced her tenderly, my uncle hugged her 
with great affection, and I presented her to my friend 
Banter, who saluted her in a very polite manner; Miss 
Williams hung round her neck, and wept plentifully; while 
Strap fell upon his knees, and begged to kiss his lady's 
hand, which she presented with great affability. I shall not 
pretend to describe my own feelings at this juncture; let it 
suffice to say that, after having supped and entertained 
ourselves till ten o'clock, I cautioned my Narcissa against 
exposing her health by sitting up too late, and she was 
prevailed upon to withdraw with her maid to an apartment 
destined for us. When she left the room, her face was 
overspread with a blush that set all my blood in a state of 
fermentation, and made every pulse beat with tenfold vigour! 
She was so cruel as to let me remain in this condition a 
full half-hour; when no longer able to restrain my 
impatience, I broke from the company, burst into her 
chamber, pushed out her confidante, locked the door, and 
found her - O heaven and earth! - a feast a thousand times 
more delicious than my most sanguine hope presaged! - But 
let me not profane the chaste mysteries of Hymen. I was the 
happiest of men!
In the morning I was waked by three or four drums, which 
Banter had placed under the window; upon which I withdrew 
the curtain, and enjoyed the unspeakable satisfaction of 
contemplating those angelic charms which were now in my 
possession! Beauty which, whether sleeping or awake, shot 
forth peculiar graces! The light darting upon my Narcissa's 
eyes, she awoke also, and recollecting her situation, hid 
her blushes in my bosom. I was distracted with joy! I could 
not believe the evidence of my senses, and looked upon all 
that had happened as the fictions of a dream! In the 
meantime my uncle knocked at the door, and bade me turn out, 
for I had had a long spell. I rose accordingly, and sent 
Miss Williams to her mistress, myself receiving the 
congratulations of Captain Bowling, who rallied me in his 
sea phrase with great success. In less than an hour Don 
Rodrigo led my wife in to breakfast, where she received the 
compliments of the company on her looks, which, they said, 
if possible, were improved by matrimony. As her delicate 
ears were offended with none of those indecent ambiguities 
which are too often spoke on such occasions, she behaved 
with dignity, unaffected modesty, and ease; and, as a 
testimony of my affection and esteem, I presented her, in 
presence of them all, with a deed, by which I settled the 
whole fortune I was possessed of on her and her heirs for 
ever. She accepted it with a glance of most tender 
acknowledgement, observed that she could not be surprised at 
anything of this kind I should do, and desired my father to 
take the trouble of keeping it, saying, 'Next to my own Mr 
Random, you are the person in whom I ought to have the 
greatest confidence.' Charmed with her prudent and ingenuous 
manner of proceeding, he took the paper, and assured her 
that it should not lose its value while in his custody.
As we had not many visits to give and receive, the little 
time we staid in town was spent in going to public 
diversions, where I have the vanity to think Narcissa was 
seldom eclipsed. One night in particular, we had sent our 
footman to keep one of the stage boxes, which we no sooner 
entered, than we perceived in the opposite box the squire 
and his lady, who seemed not a little surprised at seeing 
us. I was pleased at this opportunity of confronting them; 
the more because Melinda was robbed of all her admirers by 
my wife, who happened that night to outshine her sister both 
in beauty and dress. She was piqued at Narcissa's victory, 
tossed her head a thousand different ways, flirted her fan, 
looked at us with disdain, then whispered to her husband, 
and broke out into an affected giggle; but all arts proved 
ineffectual, either to discompose Mrs Random, or to conceal 
her own mortification, which at length forced her away long 
before the play was done. The news of our marriage being 
spread with many circumstances to our disadvantage, by the 
industry of this malignant creature, a certain set of 
persons, fond of scandal, began to inquire into the 
particulars of my fortune, which they no sooner understood 
to be independent, than the tables were turned, and our 
acquaintance courted as much as it had been despised before. 
But Narcissa had too much dignity of pride to encourage this 
change of conduct, especially in her relations, whom she 
could never be prevailed upon to see after the malicious 
reports they had raised to her prejudice.


Chapter 69

My father intending to revisit his native country, and pay 
the tribute of a few tears at my mother's grave, Narcissa 
and I resolved to accompany him in the execution of his 
pious office, and accordingly prepared for the journey; in 
which, however, my uncle would not engage, being resolved to 
try his fortune once more at sea. In the meantime he renewed 
his will in favour of my wife and me, and deposited it in 
the hands of his brother-in-law. While I, that I might not 
be wanting to my own interest, summoned the squire to 
produce his father's will at Doctors' Commons, and employed 
a proctor to manage the affair in my absence.
Everything being thus settled, we took leave of all our 
friends in London, and set out for Scotland, Don Rodrigo, 
Narcissa, Miss Williams, and I in the coach, and Strap with 
two men in livery on horseback. As we made easy stages, my 
charmer held it out very well till we arrived at Edinburgh, 
where we proposed to rest ourselves some weeks.
Here Don Rodrigo having intelligence that the fox-hunter had 
spent his estate, which was to be exposed to sale by public 
auction, he determined to make a purchase of the spot where 
he was born, and actually bought all the land that belonged 
to his father.
In a few days after this bargain was made, we left 
Edinburgh, in order to go and take possession; and, by the 
way, halted one night in that town where I was educated. 
Upon inquiry, I found that Mr Crab was dead; whereupon I 
sent for his executor, paid the sum I owed, with interest, 
and took up my bond. Mr Potion and his wife, hearing of our 
arrival, had the assurance to come to the inn where we 
lodged, and send up their names, with a desire of being 
permitted to pay their respects to my father and me; but 
their sordid behaviour towards me when I was an orphan, had 
made too deep an impression on my mind to be effaced by this 
mean mercenary piece of condescension. I therefore rejected 
their message with disdain, and bade Strap tell them that my 
father and I desired to have no communication with such low-
minded wretches as they were.
They had not been gone half an hour, when a woman, without 
any ceremony, opened the door of the room where we sat, and, 
making towards my father, accosted him with, 'Uncle, your 
servant - I am glad to see you.' This was no other than one 
of my female cousins, mentioned in the first part of my 
memoirs, to whom Don Rodrigo replied, 'Pray, who are you, 
madam?' 'O!' cried she, 'my cousin Rory there knows me very 
well. - Don't you remember me, Rory?' 'Yes, madam,' said I; 
'for my own part, I shall never forget you. Sir, this is one 
of the young ladies who, as I formerly told you, treated me 
so humanely in my childhood!' When I pronounced these words, 
my father's resentment glowed in his visage, and he ordered 
her to be gone, with such a commanding aspect, that she 
retired in a fright, muttering curses as she went 
downstairs. We afterwards learned that she was married to an 
ensign, who had already spent all her fortune; and that her 
sister had bore a child to her mother's footman, who is now 
her husband, and keeps a petty alehouse in the country.
The fame of our flourishing condition having arrived at this 
place before us, we got notice that the magistrates intended 
next day to compliment us with the freedom of the town; upon 
which my father, considering their complaisance in the right 
point of view, ordered the horses to the coach early in the 
morning.
We proceeded to our estate, which lay about twenty miles 
from this place; and when we came within half a league of 
the house, were met by a prodigious number of poor tenants, 
men, women, and children, who testified their joy by loud 
acclamations, and accompanied our coach to the gate. As 
there is no part of the world in which the peasants are more 
attached to their lords than in Scotland, we were almost 
devoured by their affection. My father had always been their 
favourite, and now that he appeared their master, after 
having been thought dead so long, their joy broke out into a 
thousand extravagances. When we entered the courtyard, we 
were surrounded by a vast number, who crowded together so 
closely to see us, that several were in danger of being 
squeezed to death; those who were near Don Rodrigo fell upon 
their knees, and kissed his hand, or the hem of his garment, 
praying aloud for long life and prosperity to him; others 
approached Narcissa and me in the same manner; while the 
rest clapped their hands at a distance, and invoked Heaven 
to shower its choicest blessings on our heads! In short, the 
whole scene, though rude, was so affecting, that the gentle 
partner of my heart wept over it, and my father himself 
could not refrain from dropping a tear.
Having welcomed his daughter and me to his house, he ordered 
some bullocks to be killed, and some hogsheads of ale to be 
brought from the neighbouring village, to regale these 
honest people, who had not enjoyed such a holiday for many 
years before.
Next day we were visited by the gentlemen in the 
neighbourhood, most of them our relations, one of whom 
brought along with him my cousin the fox-hunter, who had 
stayed at his house since he was obliged to leave his own. 
My father was generous enough to receive him kindly, and 
even promised to purchase for him a commission in the army, 
for which he expressed great thankfulness and joy.
My charming Narcissa was universally admired and loved for 
her beauty, affability, and good sense; and so well pleased 
with the situation of the place, and the company round, that 
she has not as yet discovered the least desire of changing 
her habitation.
We had not been many days settled, when I prevailed upon my 
father to pay a visit to the village where I had been at 
school. Here we were received by the principal inhabitants, 
who entertained us in the church, where Mr Syntax the 
schoolmaster, my tyrant being dead, pronounced a Latin 
oration in honour of our family. And none exerted themselves 
more than Strap's father and relations, who looked upon the 
honest valet as the first gentleman of their race, and 
honoured his benefactors accordingly. Having received the 
homage of this place, we retired, leaving forty pounds for 
the benefit of the poor of the parish, and that very night, 
Strap being a little elevated with the regard that had been 
shown to him, and to me on his account, ventured to tell me 
that he had a sneaking kindness for Miss Williams, and that, 
if his lady and I would use our interest in his behalf, he 
did not doubt that she would listen to his addresses. 
Surprised at this proposal, I asked if he knew the story of 
that unfortunate young gentlewoman. Upon which he replied, 
'Yes, yes, I know what you mean - she has been unhappy, I 
grant you - but what of that? I am convinced of her 
reformation; or else you and my good lady would not treat 
her with such respect. - As for the censure of the world, I 
value it not a fig's end - besides, the world knows nothing 
of the matter.' I commended his philosophy, and interested 
Narcissa in his cause; who interceded so effectually, that, 
in a little time, Miss Williams yielded her consent, and 
they were married with the approbation of Don Rodrigo, who 
gave him five hundred pounds to stock a farm, and made him 
overseer of his estate. My generous bedfellow gave her maid 
the same sum; so that they live in great peace and plenty 
within half a mile of us, and daily put up prayers for our 
preservation.
If there be such a thing as true happiness on earth, I enjoy 
it. The impetuous transports of my passion are now settled 
and mellowed into endearing fondness and tranquillity of 
love, rooted by that intimate connection and interchange of 
hearts, which nought but virtuous wedlock can produce. - 
Fortune seems determined to make ample amends for her former 
cruelty; for my proctor writes that, notwithstanding the 
clause in my father-in-law's will, on which the squire 
founds his claim, I shall certainly recover my wife's 
fortune, in consequence of a codicil annexed, which explains 
that clause, and limits her restriction to the age of 
nineteen, after which she was at her own disposal. I would 
have set out for London immediately after receiving this 
piece of intelligence, but my dear angel has been qualmish 
of late, and begins to grow remarkably round in the waist; 
so that I cannot leave her in such an interesting situation, 
which I hope will produce something to crown my felicity.

FINIS