THE DIARY OF A NOBODY


By George and Weedon Grossmith



Why should I not publish my diary? I have often seen reminiscences of people I 
have never even heard of, and I fail to see -because I do not happen to be a 
Somebody -why my diary should not be interesting. My only regret is that I did 
not commence it when I was a youth.
CHARLES POOTER.

The Laurels,
Brickfield Terrace,
Holloway.


Chapter 1

We settle down in our new home, and I resolve to keep a diary. Tradesmen 
trouble us a bit, so does the scraper. The Curate calls and pays me a great 
compliment.

My dear wife Carrie and I have just been a week in our new house, `The 
Laurels', Brickfield Terrace, Holloway -a nice six-roomed residence, not 
counting basement, with a front breakfast-parlour. We have a little front 
garden; and there is a flight of ten steps up to the front door, which, 
by-the-by, we keep locked with the chain up. Cummings, Gowing, and our other 
intimate friends always come to the little side entrance, which saves the 
servant the trouble of going up to the front door, thereby taking her from her 
work. We have a nice little back garden which runs down to the railway. We 
were rather afraid of the noise of the trains at first, but the landlord said 
we should not notice them after a bit, and took ú2 off the rent. He was 
certainly right; and beyond the cracking of the garden wall at the bottom, we 
have suffered no inconvenience.
After my work in the City, I like to be at home. What's the good of a home, if 
you are never in it? `Home, Sweet Home', that's my motto. I am always in of an 
evening. Our old friend Gowing may drop in without ceremony; so may Cummings, 
who lives opposite. My dear wife Caroline and I are pleased to see them, if 
they like to drop in on us. But Carrie and I can manage to pass our evenings 
together without friends. There is always something to be done: a tin-tack 
here, a Venetian blind to put straight, a fan to nail up, or part of a carpet 
to nail down -all of which I can do with my pipe in my mouth; while Carrie is 
not above putting a button on a shirt, mending a pillow-case, or practising 
the `Sylvia Gavotte' on our new cottage piano (on the three years' system), 
manufactured by W. Bilkson (in small letters), from Collard and Collard (in 
very large letters). It is also a great comfort to us to know that our boy 
Willie is getting on so well in the Bank at Oldham. We should like to see more 
of him. Now for my diary:

APRIL 3. Tradesmen called for custom, and I promised Farmerson, the 
ironmonger, to give him a turn if I wanted any nails or tools. By-the-by, that 
reminds me there is no key to our bedroom door, and the bells must be seen to. 
The parlour bell is broken, and the front door rings up in the servant's 
bedroom, which is ridiculous. Dear friend Gowing dropped in, but wouldn't 
stay, saying there was an infernal smell of paint.

APRIL 4. Tradesmen still calling: Carrie being out, I arranged to deal with 
Horwin, who seemed a civil butcher with a nice clean shop. Ordered a shoulder 
of mutton for tomorrow, to give him a trial. Carrie arranged with Borset, the 
butterman, and ordered a pound of fresh butter, and a pound and a half of salt 
ditto for kitchen, and a shilling's worth of eggs. In the evening, Cummings 
unexpectedly dropped in to show me a meerschaum pipe he had won in a raffle in 
the City, and told me to handle it carefully, as it would spoil the colouring 
if the hand was moist. He said he wouldn't stay, as he didn't care much for 
the smell of the paint, and fell over the scraper as he went out. Must get the 
scraper removed, or else I shall get into a scrape. I don't often make jokes.

APRIL 5. Two shoulders of mutton arrived, Carrie having arranged with another 
butcher without consulting me. Gowing called, and fell over scraper coming in. 
Must get that scraper removed.

APRIL 6. Eggs for breakfast simply shocking; sent them back to Borset with my 
compliments, and he needn't call any more for orders. Couldn't find umbrella, 
and though it was pouring with rain, had to go without it. Sarah said Mr 
Gowing must have took it by mistake last night, as there was a stick in the 
'all that didn't belong to nobody. In the evening, hearing someone talking in 
a loud voice to the servant in the downstairs hall, I went out to see who it 
was, and was surprised to find it was Borset, the butterman, who was both 
drunk and offensive. Borset, on seeing me, said he would be hanged if he would 
ever serve City clerks any more -the game wasn't worth the candle. I 
restrained my feelings, and quietly remarked that I thought it was possible 
for a City clerk to be a gentleman. He replied he was very glad to hear it, 
and wanted to know whether I had ever come across one, for he hadn't. He left 
the house, slamming the door after him, which nearly broke the fanlight; and I 
heard him fall over the scraper, which made me feel glad I hadn't removed it. 
When he had gone, I thought of a splendid answer I ought to have given him. 
However, I will keep it for another occasion.

APRIL 7. Being Saturday, I looked forward to being home early, and putting a 
few things straight; but two of our principals at the office were absent 
through illness, and I did not get home till seven. Found Borset waiting. He 
had been three times during the day to apologise for his conduct last night. 
He said he was unable to take his Bank Holiday last Monday, and took it last 
night instead. He begged me to accept his apology, and a pound of fresh 
butter. He seems, after all, a decent sort of a fellow; so I gave him an order 
for some fresh eggs, with a request that on this occasion they should be 
fresh. I am afraid we shall have to get some new stair-carpets after all; our 
old ones are not quite wide enough to meet the paint on either side. Carrie 
suggests that we might ourselves broaden the paint. I will see if we can match 
the colour (dark chocolate) on Monday.

APRIL 8, SUNDAY. After Church, the Curate came back with us. I sent Carrie in 
to open the front door, which we do not use except on special occasions. She 
could not get it open, and after all my display, I had to take the Curate 
(whose name, by-the-by, I did not catch) round the side entrance. He caught 
his foot in the scraper, and tore the bottom of his trousers. Most annoying, 
as Carrie could not well offer to repair them on a Sunday. After dinner, went 
to sleep. Took a walk round the garden, and discovered a beautiful spot for 
sowing mustard-and-cress and radishes. Went to Church again in the evening: 
walked back with the Curate. Carrie noticed he had got on the same pair of 
trousers, only repaired. He wants me to take round the plate, which I think a 
great compliment.


Chapter 2

Tradesmen and the scraper still troublesome. Gowing rather tiresome with his 
complaints of the paint. I make one of the best jokes of my life. Delights of 
gardening. Mr Stillbrook, Gowing, Cummings, and I have a little 
misunderstanding. Sarah makes me look a fool before Cummings.

APRIL 9. Commenced the morning badly. The butcher, whom we decided not to 
arrange with, called and blackguarded me in the most uncalled-for manner. He 
began by abusing me, and saying he did not want my custom. I simply said: 
"Then what are you making all this fuss about it for?" And he shouted at the 
top of his voice, so that all the neighbours could hear: "Pah! go along. Ugh! 
I could buy up `things' like you by the dozen!"
I shut the door, and was giving Carrie to understand that this disgraceful 
scene was entirely her fault, when there was a violent kicking at the door, 
enough to break the panels. It was the blackguard butcher again, who said he 
had cut his foot over the scraper, and would immediately bring an action 
against me. Called at Farmerson's, the ironmonger, on my way to town, and gave 
him the job of moving the scraper and repairing the bells, thinking it 
scarcely worth while to trouble the landlord with such a trifling matter.
Arrived home tired and worried. Mr Putley, a painter and decorator, who had 
sent in a card, said he could not match the colour on the stairs, as it 
contained Indian carmine. He said he spent half-a-day calling at warehouses to 
see if he could get it. He suggested he should entirely repaint the stairs. It 
would cost very little more; if he tried to match it, he could only make a bad 
job of it. It would be more satisfactory to him and to us to have the work 
done properly. I consented, but felt I had been talked over. Planted some 
mustard-and-cress and radishes, and went to bed at nine.

APRIL 10. Farmerson came round to attend to the scraper himself. He seems a 
very civil fellow. He says he does not usually conduct such small jobs 
personally, but for me he would do so. I thanked him, and went to town. It is 
disgraceful how late some of the young clerks are at arriving. I told three of 
them that if Mr Perkupp, the principal, heard of it, they might be discharged.
Pitt, a monkey of seventeen, who has only been with us six weeks, told me "to 
keep my hair on!" I informed him I had had the honour of being in the firm 
twenty years, to which he insolently replied that I "looked it". I gave him an 
indignant look, and said: "I demand from you some respect, sir." He replied: 
"All right, go on demanding." I would not argue with him any further. You 
cannot argue with people like that. In the evening Gowing called, and repeated 
his complaint about the smell of paint. Gowing is sometimes very tedious with 
his remarks, and not always cautious; and Carrie once very properly reminded 
him that she was present.

APRIL 11. Mustard-and-cress and radishes not come up yet. Today was a day of 
annoyances. I missed the quarter-to-nine 'bus to the City, through having 
words with the grocer's boy, who for the second time had the impertinence to 
bring his basket to the hall-door, and had left the marks of his dirty boots 
on the fresh-cleaned door-steps. He said he had knocked at the side door with 
his knuckles for a quarter of an hour. I knew Sarah, our servant, could not 
hear this, as she was upstairs doing the bedrooms, so asked the boy why he did 
not ring the bell? He replied that he did pull the bell, but the handle came 
off in his hand.
I was half-an-hour late at the office, a thing that has never happened to me 
before. There has recently been much irregularity in the attendance of the 
clerks, and Mr Perkupp, our principal, unfortunately chose this very morning 
to pounce down upon us early. Someone had given the tip to the others. The 
result was that I was the only one late of the lot. Buckling, one of the 
senior clerks, was a brick, and I was saved by his intervention. As I passed 
by Pitt's desk, I heard him remark to his neighbour; "How disgracefully late 
some of the head clerks arrive!" This was, of course, meant for me. I treated 
the observation with silence, simply giving him a look, which unfortunately 
had the effect of making both of the clerks laugh. Thought afterwards it would 
have been more dignified if I had pretended not to have heard him at all. 
Cummings called in the evening, and we played dominoes.

APRIL 12. Mustard-and-cress and radishes not come up yet. Left Farmerson 
repairing the scraper, but when I came home found three men working. I asked 
the meaning of it, and Farmerson said that in making a fresh hole he had 
penetrated the gas-pipe. He said it was a most ridiculous place to put the 
gas-pipe, and the man who did it evidently knew nothing about his business. I 
felt his excuse was no consolation for the expense I shall be put to.
In the evening, after tea, Gowing dropped in, and we had a smoke together in 
the breakfast-parlour. Carrie joined us later, but did not stay long, saying 
the smoke was too much for her. It was also rather too much for me, for Gowing 
had given me what he called a green cigar, one that his friend Shoemach had 
just brought over from America. The cigar didn't look green, but I fancy I 
must have done so; for when I had smoked a little more than half I was obliged 
to retire on the pretext of telling Sarah to bring in the glasses.
I took a walk round the garden three or four times, feeling the need of fresh 
air. On returning Gowing noticed I was not smoking: offered me another cigar, 
which I politely declined. Gowing began his usual sniffing, so, anticipating 
him, I said: "You're not going to complain of the smell of paint again?" He 
said: "No, not this time; but I'll tell you what, I distinctly smell dry rot." 
I don't often make jokes, but I replied: "You're talking a lot of dry rot 
yourself." I could not help roaring at this, and Carrie said her sides quite 
ached with laughter. I never was so immensely tickled by anything I had ever 
said before. I actually woke up twice during the night, and laughed till the 
bed shook.

APRIL 13. An extraordinary coincidence: Carrie had called in a woman to make 
some chintz covers for our drawing-room chairs and sofa to prevent the sun 
fading the green rep of the furniture. I saw the woman, and recognised her as 
a woman who used to work years ago for my old aunt at Clapham. It only shows 
how small the world is.

APRIL 14. Spent the whole of the afternoon in the garden, having this morning 
picked up at a bookstall for fivepence a capital little book, in good 
condition, on Gardening. I procured and sowed some half-hardy annuals in what 
I fancy will be a warm, sunny border. I thought of a joke, and called out 
Carrie. Carrie came out rather testy, I thought. I said: "I have just 
discovered we have got a lodging-house." She replied: "How do you mean?" I 
said: "Look at the boarders." Carrie said: "Is that all you wanted me for?" I 
said: "Any other time you would have laughed at my little pleasantry." Carrie 
said: "Certainly -at any other time, but not when I am busy in the house." The 
stairs look very nice. Gowing called, and said the stairs looked all right, 
but it made the banisters look all wrong, and suggested a coat of paint on 
them also, which Carrie quite agreed with. I walked round to Putley, and 
fortunately he was out, so I had a good excuse to let the banisters slide. 
By-the-by, that is rather funny.

APRIL 15, SUNDAY. At three o'clock Cummings and Gowing called for a good long 
walk over Hampstead and Finchley, and brought with them a friend named 
Stillbrook. We walked and chatted together, except Stillbrook, who was always 
a few yards behind us staring at the ground and cutting at the grass with his 
stick.
As it was getting on for five, we four held a consultation, and Gowing 
suggested that we should make for `The Cow and Hedge' and get some tea. 
Stillbrook said: "A brandy-and-soda was good enough for him." I reminded them 
that all public-houses were closed till six o'clock. Stillbrook said: "That's 
all right -bona-fide travellers."
We arrived; and as I was trying to pass, the man in charge of the gate said: 
"Where from?" I replied: "Holloway." He immediately put up his arm, and 
declined to let me pass. I turned back for a moment, when I saw Stillbrook, 
closely followed by Cummings and Gowing, make for the entrance. I watched 
them, and thought I would have a good laugh at their expense. I heard the 
porter say: "Where from?" When, to my surprise, in fact disgust, Stillbrook 
replied: "Blackheath," and the three were immediately admitted.
Gowing called to me across the gate, and said: "We shan't be a minute." I 
waited for them the best part of an hour. When they appeared they were all in 
most excellent spirits, and the only one who made an effort to apologise was 
Mr Stillbrook, who said to me: "It was very rough on you to be kept waiting, 
but we had another spin for S. and B.'s." I walked home in silence; I couldn't 
speak to them. I felt very dull all the evening, but deemed it advisable not 
to say anything to Carrie about the matter.

APRIL 16. After business, set to work in the garden. When it got dark I wrote 
to Cummings and Gowing (who neither called, for a wonder; perhaps they were 
ashamed of themselves) about yesterday's adventure at `The Cow and Hedge'. 
Afterwards made up my mind not to write yet.

APRIL 17. Thought I would write a kind little note to Gowing and Cummings 
about last Sunday, and warning them against Mr Stillbrook. Afterwards, 
thinking the matter over, tore up the letter and determined not to write at 
all, but to speak quietly to them. Dumbfounded at receiving a sharp letter 
from Cummings, saying that both he and Gowing had been waiting for an 
explanation of my (mind you, MY) extraordinary conduct coming home on Sunday. 
At last I wrote: "I thought I was the aggrieved party; but as I freely forgive 
you, you -feeling yourself aggrieved -should bestow forgiveness on me." I have 
copied this verbatim in the diary, because I think it is one of the most 
perfect and thoughtful sentences I have ever written. I posted the letter, but 
in my own heart I felt I was actually apologising for having been insulted.

APRIL 18. Am in for a cold. Spent the whole day at the office sneezing. In the 
evening, the cold being intolerable, sent Sarah out for a bottle of Kinahan. 
Fell asleep in the arm-chair, and woke with the shivers. Was startled by a 
loud knock at the front door. Carrie awfully flurried. Sarah still out, so 
went up, opened the door, and found it was only Cummings. Remembered the 
grocer's boy had again broken the side-bell. Cummings squeezed my hand, and 
said: "I've just seen Gowing. All right. Say no more about it." There is no 
doubt they are both under the impression I have apologised.
While playing dominoes with Cummings in the parlour, he said: "By-the-by, do 
you want any wine or spirits? My cousin Merton has just set up in the trade, 
and has a splendid whisky, four years in bottle, at thirty-eight shillings. It 
is worth your while laying down a few dozen of it." I told him my cellars, 
which were very small, were full up. To my horror, at that very moment, Sarah 
entered the room, and putting a bottle of whisky, wrapped in a dirty piece of 
newspaper, on the table in front of us, said: "Please, sir, the grocer says he 
ain't got no more Kinahan, but you'll find this very good at two-and-six, with 
two-pence returned on the bottle; and, please, did you want any more sherry? 
as he has some at one-and-three, as dry as a nut!"


Chapter 3

A conversation with Mr Merton on society. Mr and Mrs James, of Sutton, come 
up. A miserable evening at the Tank Theatre. Experiments with enamel paint. I 
make another good joke; but Gowing and Cummings are unnecessarily offended. I 
paint the bath red, with unexpected result.

APRIL 19. Cummings called, bringing with him his friend Merton, who is in the 
wine trade. Gowing also called. Mr Merton made himself at home at once, and 
Carrie and I were both struck with him immediately, and thoroughly approved of 
his sentiments.
He leaned back in his chair and said: "You must take me as I am"; and I 
replied: "Yes -and you must take us as we are. We're homely people, we are not 
swells."
He answered: "No, I can see that," and Gowing roared with laughter; but Merton 
in a most gentlemanly manner said to Gowing: "I don't think you quite 
understand me. I intended to convey that our charming host and hostess were 
superior to the follies of fashion, and preferred leading a simple and 
wholesome life to gadding about to twopenny-halfpenny tea-drinking afternoons, 
and living above their incomes."
I was immensely pleased with these sensible remarks of Merton's, and concluded 
that subject by saying: "No, candidly, Mr Merton, we don't go into Society, 
because we do not care for it; and what with the expense of cabs here and cabs 
there, and white gloves and white ties, etc., it doesn't seem worth the money."
Merton said in reference to friends: "My motto is `Few and True'; and, by the 
way, I also apply that to wine, `Little and Good.' " Gowing said: "Yes, and 
sometimes `cheap and tasty,' eh, old man?" Merton, still continuing, said he 
should treat me as a friend, and put me down for a dozen of his `Lockanbar' 
whisky, and as I was an old friend of Gowing, I should have it for 36s, which 
was considerably under what he paid for it.
He booked his own order, and further said that at any time I wanted any passes 
for the theatre I was to let him know, as his name stood good for any theatre 
in London.

APRIL 20. Carrie reminded me that as her old school friend, Annie Fullers (now 
Mrs James), and her husband had come up from Sutton for a few days, it would 
look kind to take them to the theatre, and would I drop a line to Mr Merton 
asking him for passes for four, either for the Italian Opera, Haymarket, 
Savoy, or Lyceum. I wrote Merton to that effect.

APRIL 21. Got a reply from Merton, saying he was very busy, and just at 
present couldn't manage passes for the Italian Opera, Haymarket, Savoy, or 
Lyceum, but the best thing going on in London was the Brown Bushes, at the 
Tank Theatre, Islington, and enclosed seats for four; also bill for whisky.

APRIL 23. Mr and Mrs James (Miss Fuller that was) came to meat-tea, and we 
left directly after for the Tank Theatre. We got a 'bus that took us to King's 
Cross, and then changed into one that took us to the `Angel'. Mr James each 
time insisted on paying for all, saying that I had paid for the tickets and 
that was quite enough.
We arrived at theatre, where, curiously enough, all our 'bus-load except an 
old woman with a basket seemed to be going in. I walked ahead and presented 
the tickets. The man looked at them, and called out: "Mr Willowly! do you know 
anything about these?" holding up my tickets. The gentleman called to came up 
and examined my tickets, and said: "Who gave you these?" I said, rather 
indignantly: "Mr Merton, of course." He said: "Merton? Who's he?" I answered, 
rather sharply: "You ought to know, his name's good at any theatre in London." 
He replied: "Oh! is it? Well, it ain't no good here. These tickets, which are 
not dated, were issued under Mr Swinstead's management, which has since 
changed hands." While I was having some very unpleasant words with the man, 
James, who had gone upstairs with the ladies, called out: "Come on!" I went up 
after them, and a very civil attendant said: "This way, please, box H." I said 
to James: "Why, how on earth did you manage it?" and to my horror he replied: 
"Why, paid for it of course."
This was humiliating enough, and I could scarcely follow the play, but I was 
doomed to still further humiliation. I was leaning out of the box, when my tie 
-a little black bow which fastened on to the stud by means of a new patent 
-fell into the pit below. A clumsy man, not noticing it, had his foot on it 
for ever so long before he discovered it. He then picked it up and eventually 
flung it under the next seat in disgust. What with the box incident and the 
tie, I felt quite miserable. Mr James, of Sutton, was very good. He said: 
"Don't worry -no one will notice it with your beard. That is the only 
advantage of growing one that I can see." There was no occasion for that 
remark, for Carrie is very proud of my beard.
To hide the absence of the tie I had to keep my chin down the rest of the 
evening, which caused a pain at the back of my neck.

APRIL 24. Could scarcely sleep a wink through thinking of having brought up Mr 
and Mrs James from the country to go to the theatre last night, and his having 
paid for a private box because our order was not honoured; and such a poor 
play too. I wrote a very satirical letter to Merton, the wine merchant, who 
gave us the pass, and said: "Considering we had to pay for our seats, we did 
our best to appreciate the performance." I thought this line rather cutting, 
and I asked Carrie how many p's there were in appreciate, and she said "One." 
After I sent off the letter I looked at the dictionary and found there were 
two. Awfully vexed at this.
Decided not to worry myself any more about the James's; for, as Carrie wisely 
said, "We'll make it all right with them by asking them up from Sutton one 
evening next week to play at Bezique."

APRIL 25. In consequence of Brickwell telling me his wife was working wonders 
with the new Pinkford's enamel paint, I determined to try it. I bought two 
tins of red on my way home. I hastened through tea, went into the garden and 
painted some flower-pots. I called out Carrie, who said: "You've always got 
some new-fangled craze"; but she was obliged to admit that the flower-pots 
looked remarkably well. Went upstairs into the servant's bedroom and painted 
her wash-stand, towel-horse, and chest of drawers. To my mind it was an 
extraordinary improvement, but as an example of the ignorance of the lower 
classes in the matter of taste, our servant, Sarah, on seeing them, evinced no 
sign of pleasure, but merely said "she thought they looked very well as they 
was before".

APRIL 26. Got some more red enamel paint (red, to my mind, being the best 
colour), and painted the coal-scuttle, and the backs of our Shakespeare, the 
binding of which had almost worn out.

APRIL 27. Painted the bath red, and was delighted with the result. Sorry to 
say Carrie was not, in fact we had a few words about it. She said I ought to 
have consulted her, and she had never heard of such a thing as a bath being 
painted red. I replied: "It's merely a matter of taste."
Fortunately, further argument on the subject was stopped by a voice saying, 
"May I come in?" It was only Cummings, who said, "Your maid opened the door, 
and asked me to excuse her showing me in, as she was wringing out some socks." 
I was delighted to see him, and suggested we should have a game of whist with 
a dummy, and by way of merriment said: "You can be the dummy." Cummings (I 
thought rather ill-naturedly) replied: "Funny as usual." He said he couldn't 
stop, he only called to leave me the Bicycle News, as he had done with it.
Another ring at the bell; it was Gowing, who said he "must apologise for 
coming so often, and that one of these days we must come round to him". I 
said: "A very extraordinary thing has struck me." "Something funny, as usual," 
said Cummings. "Yes," I replied; "I think even you will say so this time. It's 
concerning you both; for doesn't it seem odd that Gowing's always coming and 
Cummings always going?" Carrie, who had evidently quite forgotten about the 
bath, went into fits of laughter, and as for myself, I fairly doubled up in my 
chair, till it cracked beneath me. I think this was one of the best jokes I 
have ever made.
Then imagine my astonishment on perceiving both Cummings and Gowing perfectly 
silent, and without a smile on their faces. After rather an unpleasant pause, 
Cummings, who had opened a cigar-case, closed it up again and said; "Yes -I 
think, after that, I shall be going, and I am sorry I fail to see the fun of 
your jokes." Gowing said he didn't mind a joke when it wasn't rude, but a pun 
on a name, to his thinking, was certainly a little wanting in good taste. 
Cummings followed it up by saying, if it had been said by anyone else but 
myself, he shouldn't have entered the house again. This rather unpleasantly 
terminated what might have been a cheerful evening. However, it was as well 
they went, for the charwoman had finished up the remains of the cold pork.

APRIL 28. At the office, the new and very young clerk Pitt, who was very 
impudent to me a week or so ago, was late again. I told him it would be my 
duty to inform Mr Perkupp, the principal. To my surprise, Pitt apologised most 
humbly and in a most gentlemanly fashion. I was unfeignedly pleased to notice 
this improvement in his manner towards me, and told him I would look over his 
unpunctuality. Passing down the room an hour later, I received a hard smack in 
the face from a rolled-up ball of hard foolscap. I turned round sharply, but 
all the clerks were apparently riveted to their work. I am not a rich man, but 
I would give half-a-sovereign to know whether that was thrown by accident or 
design. Went home early and bought some more enamel paint -black this time 
-and spent the evening touching up the fender, picture-frames, and an old pair 
of boots, making them look as good as new. Also painted Gowing's 
walking-stick, which he left behind, and made it look like ebony.

APRIL 29, SUNDAY. Woke up with a fearful headache and strong symptoms of a 
cold. Carrie, with a perversity which is just like her, said it was "painter's 
colic", and was the result of my having spent the last few days with my nose 
over a paint-pot. I told her firmly that I knew a great deal better what was 
the matter with me than she did. I had got a chill, and decided to have a bath 
as hot as I could bear it. Bath ready -could scarcely bear it so hot. I 
persevered, and got in; very hot, but very acceptable. I lay still for some 
time. On moving my hand above the surface of the water, I experienced the 
greatest fright I ever received in the whole course of my life; for imagine my 
horror on discovering my hand, as I thought, full of blood. My first thought 
was that I had ruptured an artery, and was bleeding to death, and should be 
discovered, later on, looking like a second Marat, as I remember seeing him in 
Madame Tussaud's. My second thought was to ring the bell, but remembered there 
was no bell to ring. My third was, that there was nothing but the enamel 
paint, which had dissolved with boiling water. I stepped out of the bath, 
perfectly red all over, resembling the Red Indians I have seen depicted at an 
East-End theatre. I determined not to say a word to Carrie, but to tell 
Farmerson to come on Monday and paint the bath white.


Chapter 4

The Ball at the Mansion House.

APRIL 30. Perfectly astounded at receiving an invitation for Carrie and myself 
from the Lord and Lady Mayoress to the Mansion House, to "meet the 
Representatives of Trades and Commerce". My heart beat like that of a 
schoolboy. Carrie and I read the invitation over two or three times. I could 
scarcely eat my breakfast. I said -and I felt it from the bottom of my heart 
-"Carrie darling, I was a proud man when I led you down the aisle of the 
church on our wedding day; that pride will be equalled, if not surpassed, when 
I lead my dear, pretty wife up to the Lord and Lady Mayoress at the Mansion 
House." I saw the tears in Carrie's eyes, and she said: "Charlie dear, it is I 
who have to be proud of you. And I am very, very proud of you. You have called 
me pretty; and as long as I am pretty in your eyes, I am happy. You, dear old 
Charlie, are not handsome, but you are good, which is far more noble." I gave 
her a kiss, and she said: "I wonder if there will be any dancing? I have not 
danced with you for years."
I cannot tell what induced me to do it, but I seized her round the waist, and 
we were silly enough to be executing a wild kind of polka when Sarah entered, 
grinning, and said: "There is a man, mum, at the door who wants to know if you 
want any good coals." Most annoyed at this. Spent the evening in answering, 
and tearing up again, the reply to the Mansion House, having left word with 
Sarah if Gowing or Cummings called we were not at home. Must consult Mr 
Perkupp how to answer the Lord Mayor's invitation.

MAY 1. Carrie said: "I should like to send mother the invitation to look at." 
I consented, as soon as I had answered it. I told Mr Perkupp, at the office, 
with a feeling of pride, that we had received an invitation to the Mansion 
House; and he said, to my astonishment, that he himself gave in my name to the 
Lord Mayor's secretary. I felt this rather discounted the value of the 
invitation, but I thanked him; and in reply to me, he described how I was to 
answer it. I felt the reply was too simple; but of course Mr Perkupp knows best.

MAY 2. Send my dress-coat and trousers to the little tailor's round the 
corner, to have the creases taken out. Told Gowing not to call next Monday, as 
we were going to the Mansion House. Send similar note to Cummings.

MAY 3. Carrie went to Mrs James, at Sutton, to consult about her dress for 
next Monday. While speaking incidentally to Spotch, one of our head clerks, 
about the Mansion House, he said: "Oh, I'm asked, but don't think I shall go." 
When a vulgar man like Spotch is asked I feel my invitation is considerably 
discounted. In the evening, while I was out, the little tailor brought round 
my coat and trousers, and because Sarah had not a shilling to pay for the 
pressing, he took them away again.

MAY 4. Carrie's mother returned the Lord Mayor's invitation, which was sent to 
her to look at, with apologies for having upset a glass of port over it. I was 
too angry to say anything.

MAY 5. Bought a pair of lavender kid-gloves for next Monday, and two white 
ties, in case one got spoiled in the tying.

MAY 6, SUNDAY. A very dull sermon, during which, I regret to say, I twice 
thought of the Mansion House reception tomorrow.

MAY 7. A big red-letter day; viz., the Lord Mayor's reception. The whole house 
upset. I had to get dressed at half-past six, as Carrie wanted the room to 
herself. Mrs James had come up from Sutton to help Carrie; so I could not help 
thinking it unreasonable that she should require the entire attention of 
Sarah, the servant, as well. Sarah kept running out of the house to fetch 
"something for missis," and several times I had, in my full evening-dress, to 
answer the back-door.
The last time it was the greengrocer's boy, who, not seeing it was me, for 
Sarah had not lighted the gas, pushed into my hands two cabbages and 
half-a-dozen coal-blocks. I indignantly threw them on the ground, and felt so 
annoyed that I so far forgot myself as to box the boy's ears. He went away 
crying, and said he should summons me, a thing I would not have happen for the 
world. In the dark, I stepped on a piece of the cabbage, which brought me down 
on the flags all of a heap. For a moment I was stunned, but when I recovered I 
crawled upstairs into the drawing-room and on looking into the chimney-glass 
discovered that my chin was bleeding, my shirt smeared with the coal-blocks, 
and my left trouser torn at the knee.
However, Mrs James brought me down another shirt, which I changed in the 
drawing-room. I put a piece of court-plaster on my chin, and Sarah very neatly 
sewed up the tear at the knee. At nine o'clock Carrie swept into the room, 
looking like a queen. Never have I seen her look so lovely, or so 
distinguished. She was wearing a satin dress of sky-blue -my favourite colour 
-and a piece of lace, which Mrs James lent her, round the shoulders, to give a 
finish. I thought perhaps the dress was a little too long behind, and 
decidedly too short in front, but Mrs James said it was a la mode. Mrs James 
was most kind, and lent Carrie a fan of ivory with red feathers, the value of 
which, she said, was priceless, as the feathers belonged to the Kachu eagle -a 
bird now extinct. I preferred the little white fan which Carrie bought for 
three-and-six at Shoolbred's, but both ladies sat on me at once.
We arrived at the Mansion House too early, which was rather fortunate, for I 
had an opportunity of speaking to his lordship, who graciously condescended to 
talk with me some minutes; but I must say I was disappointed to find he did 
not even know Mr Perkupp, the principal.
I felt as if we had been invited to the Mansion House by one who did not know 
the Lord Mayor himself. Crowds arrived, and I shall never forget the grand 
sight. My humble pen can never describe it. I was a little annoyed with 
Carrie, who kept saying: "Isn't it a pity we don't know anybody?"
Once she quite lost her head. I saw someone who looked like Franching, from 
Peckham, and was moving towards him when she seized me by the coat-tails, and 
said quite loudly: "Don't leave me," which caused an elderly gentleman, in a 
court-suit, and a chain round him, and two ladies, to burst out laughing. 
There was an immense crowd in the supper-room, and, my stars! it was a 
splendid supper -any amount of champagne.
Carrie made a most hearty supper, for which I was pleased; for I sometimes 
think she is not strong. There was scarcely a dish she did not taste. I was so 
thirsty, I could not eat much. Receiving a sharp slap on the shoulder, I 
turned, and, to my amazement, saw Farmerson, our ironmonger. He said, in the 
most familiar way: "This is better than Brickfield Terrace, eh?" I simply 
looked at him, and said coolly: "I never expected to see you here." He said, 
with a loud coarse laugh: "I like that -if you, why not me?" I replied: 
"Certainly." I wish I could have thought of something better to say. He said: 
"Can I get your good lady anything?" Carrie said: "No, I thank you," for which 
I was pleased. I said, by way of reproof to him: "You never sent today to 
paint the bath, as I requested." Farmerson said: "Pardon me, Mr Pooter, no 
shop when we're in company, please."
Before I could think of a reply, one of the sheriffs, in full Court costume, 
slapped Farmerson on the back and hailed him as an old friend, and asked him 
to dine with him at his lodge. I was astonished. For full five minutes they 
stood roaring with laughter, and stood digging each other in the ribs. They 
kept telling each other they didn't look a day older. They began embracing 
each other and drinking champagne.
To think that a man who mends our scraper should know any member of our 
aristocracy! I was just moving with Carrie, when Farmerson seized me rather 
roughly by the collar, and addressing the sheriff, said: "Let me introduce my 
neighbour, Pooter." He did not even say "Mister". The sheriff handed me a 
glass of champagne. I felt, after all, it was a great honour to drink a glass 
of wine with him, and I told him so. We stood chatting for some time, and at 
last I said: "You must excuse me now if I join Mrs Pooter." When I approached 
her, she said: "Don't let me take you away from your friends. I am quite happy 
standing here alone in a crowd, knowing nobody!"
As it takes two to make a quarrel, and as it was neither the time nor the 
place for it, I gave my arm to Carrie, and said: "I hope my darling little 
wife will dance with me, if only for the sake of saying we had danced at the 
Mansion House as guests of the Lord Mayor." Finding the dancing after supper 
was less formal, and knowing how much Carrie used to admire my dancing in the 
days gone by I put my arm round her waist and we commenced a waltz.
A most unfortunate accident occurred. I had got on a new pair of boots. 
Foolishly, I had omitted to take Carrie's advice; namely, to scratch the soles 
of them with the points of the scissors or to put a little wet on them. I had 
scarcely started when, like lightning, my left foot slipped away and I came 
down, the side of my head striking the floor with such violence that for a 
second or two I did not know what had happened. I need hardly say that Carrie 
fell with me with equal violence, breaking the comb in her hair and grazing 
her elbow.
There was a roar of laughter, which was immediately checked when people found 
that we had really hurt ourselves. A gentleman assisted Carrie to a seat, and 
I expressed myself pretty strongly on the danger of having a plain polished 
floor with no carpet or drugget to prevent people slipping. The gentleman, who 
said his name was Darwitts, insisted on escorting Carrie to have a glass of 
wine, an invitation which I was pleased to allow Carrie to accept.
I followed, and met Farmerson, who immediately said, in his loud voice: "Oh, 
are you the one who went down?"
I answered with an indignant look.
With execrable taste, he said: "Look here, old man, we are too old for this 
game. We must leave these capers to the youngsters. Come and have another 
glass, that is more in our line."
Although I felt I was buying his silence by accepting, we followed the others 
into the supper-room.
Neither Carrie nor I, after our unfortunate mishap, felt inclined to stay 
longer. As we were departing, Farmerson said: "Are you going? if so, you might 
give me a lift."
I thought it better to consent, but wish I had first consulted Carrie.


Chapter 5

After the Mansion House Ball. Carrie offended. Gowing also offended. A 
pleasant party at the Cummings'. Mr Franching, of Peckham, visits us.

MAY 8. I woke up with a most terrible headache. I could scarcely see, and the 
back of my neck was as if I had given it a crick. I thought first of sending 
for a doctor; but I did not think it necessary. When up, I felt faint, and 
went to Brownish's, the chemist, who gave me a draught. So bad at the office, 
had to get leave to come home. Went to another chemist in the City, and I got 
a draught. Brownish's dose seems to have made me worse; have eaten nothing all 
day. To make matters worse, Carrie, every time I spoke to her, answered me 
sharply -that is, when she answered at all.
In the evening I felt very much worse again and said to her: "I do believe 
I've been poisoned by the lobster mayonnaise at the Mansion House last night"; 
she simply replied, without taking her eyes from her sewing: "Champagne never 
did agree with you." I felt irritated, and said: "What nonsense you talk; I 
only had a glass and a half, and you know as well as I do -" Before I could 
complete the sentence she bounced out of the room. I sat over an hour waiting 
for her to return; but as she did not, I determined I would go to bed. I 
discovered Carrie had gone to bed without even saying "good night"; leaving me 
to bar the scullery door and feed the cat. I shall certainly speak to her 
about this in the morning.

MAY 9. Still a little shaky, with black specks. The Blackfriars Bi-weekly News 
contains a long list of the guests at the Mansion House Ball. Disappointed to 
find our names omitted, though Farmerson's is in plainly enough with M.L.L. 
after it, whatever that may mean. More than vexed, because we had ordered a 
dozen copies to send to our friends. Wrote to the Blackfriars Bi-weekly News, 
pointing out their omission.
Carrie had commenced her breakfast when I entered the parlour. I helped myself 
to a cup of tea, and I said, perfectly calmly and quietly: "Carrie, I wish a 
little explanation of your conduct last night."
She replied, "Indeed! and I desire something more than a little explanation of 
your conduct the night before."
I said, coolly: "Really, I don't understand you."
Carrie said sneeringly: "Probably not; you were scarcely in a condition to 
understand anything."
I was astonished at this insinuation and simply ejaculated: "Caroline!"
She said: "Don't be theatrical, it has no effect on me. Reserve that tone for 
your new friend, Mister Farmerson, the ironmonger."
I was about to speak, when Carrie, in a temper such as I have never seen her 
in before, told me to hold my tongue. She said: "Now I'm going to say 
something! After professing to snub Mr Farmerson, you permit him to snub you, 
in my presence, and then accept his invitation to take a glass of champagne 
with you, and you don't limit yourself to one glass. You then offer this 
vulgar man, who made a bungle of repairing our scraper, a seat in our cab on 
the way home. I say nothing about his tearing my dress in getting in the cab, 
nor of treading on Mrs James's expensive fan, which you knocked out of my 
hand, and for which he never even apologised; but you smoked all the way home 
without having the decency to ask my permission. That is not all! At the end 
of the journey, although he did not offer you a farthing towards his share of 
the cab, you asked him in. Fortunately, he was sober enough to detect, from my 
manner, that his company was not desirable."
Goodness knows I felt humiliated enough at this; but, to make matters worse, 
Gowing entered the room, without knocking, with two hats on his head and 
holding the garden-rake in his hand, with Carrie's fur tippet (which he had 
taken off the downstairs hall-peg) round his neck, and announced himself in a 
loud, coarse voice: "His Royal Highness, the Lord Mayor!" He marched twice 
round the room like a buffoon, and finding we took no notice, said: "Hulloh! 
what's up? Lovers' quarrel, eh?"
There was a silence for a moment, so I said quietly: "My dear Gowing, I'm not 
very well, and not quite in the humour for joking; especially when you enter 
the room without knocking, an act which I fail to see the fun of."
Gowing said: "I'm very sorry, but I called for my stick, which I thought you 
would have sent round." I handed him his stick, which I remembered I had 
painted black with the enamel paint, thinking to improve it. He looked at it 
for a minute with a dazed expression and said: "Who did this?"
I said: "Eh, did what?"
He said: "Did what? Why, destroyed my stick! It belonged to my poor uncle, and 
I value it more than anything I have in the world! I'll know who did it."
I said: "I'm very sorry. I dare say it will come off. I did it for the best."
Gowing said: "Then all I can say is, it's a confounded liberty; and I would 
add, you're a bigger fool than you look, only that's absolutely impossible."

MAY 12. Got a single copy of the Blackfriars Bi-weekly News. There was a short 
list of several names they had omitted; but the stupid people had mentioned 
our names as "Mr and Mrs C. Porter". Most annoying! Wrote again and I took 
particular care to write our name in capital letters, POOTER, so that there 
should be no possible mistake this time.

MAY 16. Absolutely disgusted on opening the Blackfriars Bi-weekly News of 
today, to find the following paragraph: "We have received two letters from Mr 
and Mrs Charles Pewter, requesting us to announce the important fact that they 
were at the Mansion House Ball." I tore up the paper and threw it in the 
waste-paper basket. My time is far too valuable to bother about such trifles.

MAY 21. The last week or ten days terribly dull, Carrie being away at Mrs 
James's, at Sutton. Cummings also away. Gowing, I presume, is still offended 
with me for black-enamelling his stick without asking him.

MAY 22. Purchased a new stick mounted with silver, which cost 
seven-and-sixpence (shall tell Carrie five shillings), and sent it round with 
nice note to Gowing.

MAY 23. Received strange note from Gowing; he said: "Offended? not a bit, my 
boy. I thought you were offended with me for losing my temper. Besides, I 
found after all it was not my poor uncle's stick you painted. It was only a 
shilling thing I bought at a tobacconist's. However, I am much obliged to you 
for your handsome present all the same."

MAY 24. Carrie back. Hoorah! She looks wonderfully well, except that the sun 
has caught her nose.

MAY 25. Carrie brought down some of my shirts and advised me to take them to 
Trillip's round the corner. She said: "The fronts and cuffs are much frayed." 
I said without a moment's hesitation: "I'm frayed they are." Lor! how we 
roared. I thought we should never stop laughing. As I happened to be sitting 
next the driver going to town on the 'bus, I told him my joke about the 
"frayed" shirts. I thought he would have rolled off his seat. They laughed at 
the office a good bit too over it.

MAY 26. Left the shirts to be repaired at Trillip's I said to him: "I'm 'fraid 
they are frayed." He said, without a smile: "They're bound to do that, sir." 
Some people seem to be quite destitute of a sense of humour.

JUNE 1. The last week has been like old times, Carrie being back, and Gowing 
and Cummings called every evening nearly. Twice we sat out in the garden quite 
late. This evening we were like a pack of children, and played `consequences'. 
It is a good game.

JUNE 2. `Consequences' again this evening. Not quite so successful as last 
night; Gowing having several times overstepped the limits of good taste.

JUNE 4. In the evening Carrie and I went round to Mr and Mrs Cummings' to 
spend a quiet evening with them. Gowing was there, also Mr Stillbrook. It was 
quiet but pleasant. Mrs Cummings sang five or six songs, `No, Sir', and `The 
Garden of Sleep', being best in my humble judgement; but what pleased me most 
was the duet she sang with Carrie -classical duet, too. I think it is called, 
`I would that my love!' It was beautiful. If Carrie had been in better voice, 
I don't think professionals could have sung it better. After supper we made 
them sing it again. I never liked Mr Stillbrook since the walk that Sunday to 
the `Cow and Hedge', but I must say he sings comic-songs well. His song: `We 
don't want the old men now', made us shriek with laughter, especially the 
verse referring to Mr Gladstone; but there was one verse I think he might have 
omitted, and I said so, but Gowing thought it was the best of the lot.

JUNE 6. Trillip brought round the shirts and, to my disgust, his charge for 
repairing was more than I gave for them when new. I told him so, and he 
impertinently replied: "Well, they are better now than when they were new." I 
paid him, and said it was a robbery. He said: "If you wanted your shirt-fronts 
made out of pauper-linen, such as is used for packing and book-binding, why 
didn't you say so?"

JUNE 7. A dreadful annoyance. Met Mr Franching, who lives at Peckham, and who 
is a great swell in his way. I ventured to ask him to come home to meat-tea, 
and take pot-luck. I did not think he would accept such a humble invitation; 
but he did, saying in a most friendly way, he would rather "peck" with us than 
by himself. I said: "We had better get into this blue 'bus." He replied: "No 
blue-bussing for me. I have had enough of the blues lately. I lost a cool 
`thou' over the Copper Scare. Step in here."
We drove up home in style, in a hansom-cab, and I knocked three times at the 
front door without getting an answer. I saw Carrie, through the panels of 
ground-glass (with stars), rushing upstairs. I told Mr Franching to wait at 
the door while I went round to the side. There I saw the grocer's boy actually 
picking off the paint on the door, which had formed into blisters. No time to 
reprove him; so went round and effected an entrance through the kitchen 
window. I let in Mr Franching, and showed him into the drawing-room. I went 
upstairs to Carrie, who was changing her dress, and told her I had persuaded 
Mr Franching to come home. She replied: "How can you do such a thing? You know 
it's Sarah's holiday, and there's not a thing in the house, the cold mutton 
having turned with the hot weather."
Eventually Carrie, like a good creature as she is, slipped down, washed up the 
teacups, and laid the cloth, and I gave Franching our views of Japan to look 
at while I ran round to the butcher's to get three chops.

JULY 30. The miserable cold weather is either upsetting me or Carrie or both. 
We seem to break out into an argument about absolutely nothing, and this 
unpleasant state of things usually occurs at meal-times.
This morning, for some unaccountable reason, we were talking about balloons, 
and we were as merry as possible; but the conversation drifted into family 
matters, during which Carrie, without the slightest reason, referred in the 
most uncomplimentary manner to my poor father's pecuniary trouble. I retorted 
by saying that "Pa, at all events, was a gentleman," whereupon Carrie burst 
out crying. I positively could not eat any breakfast.
At the office I was sent for by Mr Perkupp, who said he was very sorry, but I 
should have to take my annual holidays from next Saturday. Franching called at 
office and asked me to dine at his club, "The Constitutional". Fearing 
disagreeables at home after the "tiff" this morning, I sent a telegram to 
Carrie, telling her I was going out to dine and she was not to sit up. Bought 
a little silver bangle for Carrie.

JULY 31. Carrie was very pleased with the bangle, which I left with an 
affectionate note on her dressing-table last night before going to bed. I told 
Carrie we should have to start for our holiday next Saturday. She replied 
quite happily that she did not mind, except that the weather was so bad, and 
she feared that Miss Jibbons would not be able to get her a seaside dress in 
time. I told Carrie that I thought the drab one with pink bows looked quite 
good enough; and Carrie said she should not think of wearing it. I was about 
to discuss the matter, when, remembering the argument yesterday, resolved to 
hold my tongue.
I said to Carrie: "I don't think we can do better than `Good old 
Broadstairs'." Carrie not only, to my astonishment, raised an objection to 
Broadstairs, for the first time, but begged me not to use the expression, 
"Good old", but to leave it to Mr Stillbrook and other gentlemen of his type. 
Hearing my 'bus pass the window, I was obliged to rush out of the house 
without kissing Carrie as usual; and I shouted to her: "I leave it to you to 
decide." On returning in the evening, Carrie said she thought as the time was 
so short she had decided on Broadstairs, and had written to Mrs Beck, Harbour 
View Terrace, for apartments.

AUGUST 1. Ordered a new pair of trousers at Edwards's, and told them not to 
cut them so loose over the boot; the last pair being so loose and also tight 
at the knee, looked like a sailor's, and I heard Pitt, that objectionable 
youth at the office, call out "Hornpipe" as I passed his desk. Carrie has 
ordered of Miss Jibbons a pink Garibaldi and blue-serge skirt, which I always 
think looks so pretty at the seaside. In the evening she trimmed herself a 
little sailor-hat, while I read to her the Exchange and Mart. We had a good 
laugh over my trying on the hat when she had finished it; Carrie saying it 
looked so funny with my beard, and how the people would have roared if I went 
on the stage like it.

AUGUST 2. Mrs Beck wrote to say we could have our usual rooms at Broadstairs. 
That's off our mind. Bought a coloured shirt and a pair of tan-coloured boots, 
which I see many of the swell clerks wearing in the City, and hear are all the 
"go".

AUGUST 3. A beautiful day. Looking forward to tomorrow. Carrie bought a 
parasol about five feet long. I told her it was ridiculous. She said: "Mrs 
James, of Sutton, has one twice as long"; so the matter dropped. I bought a 
capital hat for hot weather at the seaside. I don't know what it is called, 
but it is the shape of the helmet worn in India, only made of straw. Got three 
new ties, two coloured handkerchiefs, and a pair of navy-blue socks at Pope 
Brothers. Spent the evening packing. Carrie told me not to forget to borrow Mr 
Higgsworth's telescope, which he always lends me, knowing I know how to take 
care of it. Sent Sarah out for it. While everything was seeming so bright, the 
last post brought us a letter from Mrs Beck, saying: "I have let all my house 
to one party, and am sorry I must take back my words, and am sorry you must 
find other apartments; but Mrs Womming, next door, will be pleased to 
accommodate you, but she cannot take you before Monday, as her rooms are 
engaged Bank Holiday week."


Chapter 6

The unexpected arrival home of our son, Willie Lupin Pooter.

AUGUST 4. The first post brought a nice letter from our dear son Willie, 
acknowledging a trifling present which Carrie sent him, the day before 
yesterday being his twentieth birthday. To our utter amazement he turned up 
himself in the afternoon, having journeyed all the way from Oldham. He said he 
had got leave from the bank, and as Monday was a holiday he thought he would 
give us a little surprise.

AUGUST 5, SUNDAY. We have not seen Willie since last Christmas, and are 
pleased to notice what a fine young man he has grown. One would scarcely 
believe he was Carrie's son. He looks more like a younger brother. I rather 
disapprove of his wearing a check suit on a Sunday, and I think he ought to 
have gone to church this morning; but he said he was tired after yesterday's 
journey, so I refrained from any remark on the subject. We had a bottle of 
port for dinner, and drank dear Willie's health.
He said: "Oh, by-the-by, did I tell you I've cut my first name, `William', and 
taken the second name `Lupin'? In fact, I'm only known at Oldham as `Lupin 
Pooter'. If you were to `Willie' me there, they wouldn't know what you meant."
Of course, Lupin being a purely family name, Carrie was delighted, and began 
by giving a long history of the Lupins. I ventured to say that I thought 
William a nice simple name, and reminded him he was christened after his uncle 
William, who was much respected in the City. Willie, in a manner which I did 
not much care for, said sneeringly: "Oh, I know all about that -Good old 
Bill!" and helped himself to a third glass of port.
Carrie objected strongly to my saying "Good old", but she made no remark when 
Willie used the double adjective. I said nothing, but looked at her, which 
meant more. I said: "My dear Willie, I hope you are happy with your colleagues 
at the Bank." He replied: "Lupin, if you please; and with respect to the Bank, 
there's not a clerk who is a gentleman, and the `boss' is a cad." I felt so 
shocked, I could say nothing, and my instinct told me there was something wrong.

AUGUST 6, BANK HOLIDAY. As there was no sign of Lupin moving at nine o'clock, 
I knocked at his door, and said we usually breakfasted at half-past eight, and 
asked how long would he be? Lupin replied that he had had a lively time of it, 
first with the trains shaking the house all night, and then with the sun 
streaming in through the window in his eyes, and giving him a cracking 
headache. Carrie came up and asked if he would like some breakfast sent up, 
and he said he could do with a cup of tea, and didn't want anything to eat.
Lupin not having come down, I went up again at half-past one, and said we 
dined at two; he said he "would be there". He never came down till a quarter 
to three. I said: "We have not seen much of you, and you will have to return 
by the 5.30 train; therefore you will have to leave in an hour, unless you go 
by the midnight mail." He said: "Look here, Guv'nor, it's no use beating about 
the bush. I've tendered my resignation at the Bank."
For a moment I could not speak. When my speech came again, I said: "How dare 
you, sir? How dare you take such a serious step without consulting me? Don't 
answer me, sir! -you will sit down immediately, and write a note at my 
dictation, withdrawing your resignation and amply apologising for your 
thoughtlessness."
Imagine my dismay when he replied with a loud guffaw: "It's no use. If you 
want the good old truth, I've got the chuck!"

AUGUST 7. Mr Perkupp has given me leave to postpone my holiday a week, as we 
could not get the rooms. This will give us an opportunity of trying to find an 
appointment for Willie before we go. The ambition of my life would be to get 
him into Mr Perkupp's firm.

AUGUST 11. Although it is a serious matter having our boy Lupin on our hands, 
still it is satisfactory to know he was asked to resign from the Bank simply 
because "he took no interest in his work, and always arrived an hour 
(sometimes two hours) late". We can all start off on Monday to Broadstairs 
with a light heart. This will take my mind off the worry of the last few days, 
which have been wasted over a useless correspondence with the manager of the 
Bank at Oldham.

AUGUST 13. Hurrah! at Broadstairs. Very nice apartments near the station. On 
the cliffs they would have been double the price. The landlady had a nice five 
o'clock dinner and tea ready, which we all enjoyed, though Lupin seemed 
fastidious because there happened to be a fly in the butter. It was very wet 
in the evening, for which I was thankful, as it was a good excuse for going to 
bed early. Lupin said he would sit up and read a bit.

AUGUST 14. I was a little annoyed to find Lupin, instead of reading last 
night, had gone to a common sort of entertainment, given at the Assembly 
Rooms. I expressed my opinion that such performances were unworthy of 
respectable patronage; but he replied: "Oh, it was only `for one night only'. 
I had a fit of the blues come on, and thought I would go to see Polly 
Presswell, England's Particular Spark." I told him I was proud to say I had 
never heard of her. Carrie said: "Do let the boy alone. He's quite old enough 
to take care of himself, and won't forget he's a gentleman. Remember, you were 
young once yourself." Rained all day hard, but Lupin would go out.

AUGUST 15. Cleared up a bit, so we all took the train to Margate, and the 
first person we met on the jetty was Gowing. I said: "Hulloh! I thought you 
had gone to Barmouth with your Birmingham friends." He said: "Yes, but young 
Peter Lawrence was so ill, they postponed their visit, so I came down here. 
You know the Cummings are here too?" Carrie said. "Oh, that will be 
delightful! We must have some evenings together and have games."
I introduced Lupin, saying: "You will be pleased to find we have our dear boy 
at home!" Gowing said: "How's that? You don't mean to say he's left the Bank?"
I changed the subject quickly, and thereby avoided any of those awkward 
questions which Gowing always has a knack of asking.

AUGUST 16. Lupin positively refused to walk down the Parade with me because I 
was wearing my new straw helmet with my frock-coat. I don't know what the boy 
is coming to.

AUGUST 17. Lupin not falling in with our views, Carrie and I went for a sail. 
It was a relief to be with her alone; for when Lupin irritates me, she always 
sides with him. On our return, he said: "Oh, you've been on the `Shilling 
Emetic', have you? You'll come to six-pennorth on the `Liver Jerker' next." I 
presume he meant a tricycle, but I affected not to understand him.

AUGUST 18. Gowing and Cummings walked over to arrange an evening at Margate. 
It being wet, Gowing asked Cummings to accompany him to the hotel and have a 
game of billiards, knowing I never play, and in fact disapprove of the game. 
Cummings said he must hasten back to Margate; whereupon Lupin, to my horror, 
said "I'll give you a game, Gowing -a hundred up. A walk round the cloth will 
give me an appetite for dinner." I said: "Perhaps Mister Gowing does not care 
to play with boys." Gowing surprised me by saying: "Oh yes, I do, if they play 
well," and they walked off together.

AUGUST 19, SUNDAY. I was about to read Lupin a sermon on smoking (which he 
indulges in violently) and billiards, but he put on his hat and walked out. 
Carrie then read me a long sermon on the palpable inadvisability of treating 
Lupin as if he were a mere child. I felt she was somewhat right, so in the 
evening I offered him a cigar. He seemed pleased, but, after a few whiffs, 
said: "This is a good old tup'ny -try one of mine," and he handed me a cigar 
as long as it was strong, which is saying a good deal.

AUGUST 20. I am glad our last day at the seaside was fine, though clouded 
overhead. We went over to Cummings' (at Margate) in the evening, and as it was 
cold, we stayed in and played games; Gowing, as usual, overstepping the mark. 
He suggested we should play `Cutlets', a game we never heard of. He sat on a 
chair, and asked Carrie to sit on his lap, an invitation which dear Carrie 
rightly declined.
After some species of wrangling, I sat on Gowing's knees and Carrie sat on the 
edge of mine. Lupin sat on the edge of Carrie's lap, then Cummings on Lupin's 
and Mrs Cummings on her husband's. We looked very ridiculous, and laughed a 
good deal.
Gowing then said: "Are you a believer in the Great Mogul?" We had to answer 
all together: "Yes -oh, yes!" (three times). Gowing said: "So am I," and 
suddenly got up. The result of this stupid joke was that we all fell on the 
ground, and poor Carrie banged her head against the corner of the fender. Mrs 
Cummings put some vinegar on; but through this we missed the last train, and 
had to drive back to Broadstairs, which cost me seven-and-sixpence.


Chapter 7

Home again. Mrs James's influence on Carrie. Can get nothing for Lupin. 
Next-door neighbours are a little troublesome. Someone tampers with my diary. 
Got a place for Lupin. Lupin startles us with an announcement.

AUGUST 22. Home, sweet Home again! Carrie bought some pretty blue-wool mats to 
stand vases on. Fripps, James and Co., write to say they are sorry they have 
no vacancy among their staff of clerks for Lupin.

AUGUST 23. I bought a pair of stags' heads made of plaster-of-Paris and 
coloured brown. They will look just the thing for our little hall, and give it 
style; the heads are excellent imitations. Poolers and Smith are sorry they 
have nothing to offer Lupin.

AUGUST 24. Simply to please Lupin, and make things cheerful for him, as he is 
a little down, Carrie invited Mrs James to come up from Sutton and spend two 
or three days with us. We have not said a word to Lupin, but mean to keep it 
as a surprise.

AUGUST 25. Mrs James, of Sutton, arrived in the afternoon, bringing with her 
an enormous bunch of wild flowers. The more I see of Mrs James the nicer I 
think she is, and she is devoted to Carrie. She went into Carrie's room to 
take off her bonnet, and remained there nearly an hour talking about dress. 
Lupin said he was not a bit surprised at Mrs James's visit, but was surprised 
at her.

AUGUST 26, SUNDAY. Nearly late for church, Mrs James having talked 
considerably about what to wear all the morning. Lupin does not seem to get on 
very well with Mrs James. I am afraid we shall have some trouble with our 
next-door neighbours who came in last Wednesday. Several of their friends, who 
drive up in dog-carts, have already made themselves objectionable.
An evening or two ago I had put on a white waistcoat for coolness, and while 
walking past with my thumbs in my waistcoat pockets (a habit I have), one man, 
seated in the cart, and looking like an American, commenced singing some 
vulgar nonsense about "I had thirteen dollars in my waistcoat pocket". I 
fancied it was meant for me, and my suspicions were confirmed; for while 
walking round the garden in my tall hat this afternoon a "throw-down" cracker 
was deliberately aimed at my hat, and exploded on it like a percussion cap. I 
turned sharply, and am positive I saw the man who was in the cart retreating 
from one of the bedroom windows.

AUGUST 27. Carrie and Mrs James went off shopping, and had not returned when I 
came back from the office. Judging from the subsequent conversation, I am 
afraid Mrs James is filling Carrie's head with a lot of nonsense about dress. 
I walked over to Gowing's and asked him to drop in to supper, and make things 
pleasant.
Carrie prepared a little extemporised supper, consisting of the remainder of 
the cold joint, a small piece of salmon (which I was to refuse, in case there 
was not enough to go round), and a blanc-mange and custards. There was also a 
decanter of port and some jam puffs on the sideboard. Mrs James made us play 
rather a good game of cards, called `Muggings'. To my surprise, in fact 
disgust, Lupin got up in the middle, and, in a most sarcastic tone, said: 
"Pardon me, this sort of thing is too fast for me. I shall go and enjoy a 
quiet game of marbles in the back-garden."
Things might have become rather disagreeable but for Gowing (who seems to have 
taken to Lupin) suggesting they should invent games. Lupin said: "Let's play 
`monkeys'." He then led Gowing all round the room, and brought him in front of 
the looking-glass. I must confess I laughed heartily at this. I was a little 
vexed at everybody subsequently laughing at some joke which they did not 
explain, and it was only on going to bed I discovered I must have been walking 
about all the evening with an antimacassar on one button of my coat-tails.

AUGUST 28. Found a large brick in the middle bed of geraniums, evidently come 
from next door. Pattles and Pattles can't find a place for Lupin.

AUGUST 29. Mrs James is making a positive fool of Carrie. Carrie appeared in a 
new dress like a smock-frock. She said `smocking' was all the rage. I replied 
it put me in a rage. She also had on a hat as big as a kitchen coal-scuttle, 
and the same shape. Mrs James went home, and both Lupin and I were somewhat 
pleased -the first time we have agreed on a single subject since his return. 
Merkins and Son write they have no vacancy for Lupin.

OCTOBER 30. I should very much like to know who has wilfully torn the last 
five or six weeks out of my diary. It is perfectly monstrous! Mine is a large 
scribbling diary, with plenty of space for the record of my everyday events, 
and in keeping up that record I take (with much pride) a great deal of pains.
I asked Carrie if she knew anything about it. She replied it was my own fault 
for leaving the diary about with a charwoman cleaning and the sweeps in the 
house. I said that was not an answer to my question. This retort of mine, 
which I thought extremely smart, would have been more effective had I not 
jogged my elbow against a vase on a table temporarily placed in the passage, 
knocked it over, and smashed it.
Carrie was dreadfully upset at this disaster, for it was one of a pair of 
vases which cannot be matched, given to us on our wedding-day by Mrs Burtsett, 
an old friend of Carrie's cousins, the Pommertons, late of Dalston. I called 
to Sarah, and asked her about the diary. She said she had not been in the 
sitting-room at all; after the sweep had left, Mrs Birrell (the charwoman) had 
cleaned the room and lighted the fire herself. Finding a burnt piece of paper 
in the grate, I examined it, and found it was a piece of my diary. So it was 
evident someone had torn my diary to light the fire. I requested Mrs Birrell 
to be sent to me tomorrow.

OCTOBER 31. Received a letter from my principal, Mr Perkupp, saying that he 
thinks he knows of a place at last for our dear boy Lupin. This, in a measure, 
consoles me for the loss of a portion of my diary; for I am bound to confess 
the last few weeks have been devoted to the record of disappointing answers 
received from people to whom I have applied for appointments for Lupin. Mrs 
Birrell called, and, in reply to me, said: "She never seen no book, much less 
take such a liberty as touch it."
I said I was determined to find out who did it, whereupon she said she would 
do her best to help me; but she remembered the sweep lighting the fire with a 
bit of the Echo. I requested the sweep to be sent to me tomorrow. I wish 
Carrie had not given Lupin a latchkey; we never seem to see anything of him. I 
sat up till past one for him, and then retired tired.

NOVEMBER 1. My entry yesterday about "retired tired", which I did not notice 
at the time, is rather funny. If I were not so worried just now, I might have 
had a little joke about it. The sweep called, but had the audacity to come up 
to the hall-door and lean his dirty bag of soot on the door-step. He, however, 
was so polite, I could not rebuke him. He said Sarah lighted the fire. 
Unfortunately, Sarah heard this, for she was dusting the banisters, and she 
ran down and flew into a temper with the sweep, causing a row on the front 
door-steps, which I would not have had happen for anything. I ordered her 
about her business, and told the sweep I was sorry to have troubled him; and 
so I was, for the doorsteps were covered with soot in consequence of his 
visit. I would willingly give ten shillings to find out who tore my diary.

NOVEMBER 2. I spent the evening quietly with Carrie, of whose company I never 
tire. We had a most pleasant chat about the letters on "Is Marriage a 
Failure?" It has been no failure in our case. In talking over our own happy 
experiences, we never noticed that it was past midnight. We were startled by 
hearing the door slam violently. Lupin had come in. He made no attempt to turn 
down the gas in the passage, or even to look into the room where we were, but 
went straight up to bed, making a terrible noise. I asked him to come down for 
a moment, and he begged to be excused, as he was "dead beat", an observation 
that was scarcely consistent with the fact that, for a quarter of an hour 
afterwards, he was positively dancing in his room, and shouting out, "See me 
dance the polka!" or some such nonsense.

NOVEMBER 3. Good news at last. Mr Perkupp has got an appointment for Lupin, 
and he is to go and see about it on Monday. Oh, how my mind is relieved! I 
went to Lupin's room to take the good news to him, but he was in bed, very 
seedy, so I resolved to keep it over till the evening.
He said he had last night been elected a member of an Amateur Dramatic Club, 
called the `Holloway Comedians'; and, though it was a pleasant evening, he had 
sat in a draught, and got neuralgia in the head. He declined to have any 
breakfast, so I left him.
In the evening I had up a special bottle of port, and, Lupin being in for a 
wonder, we filled our glasses, and I said: "Lupin my boy, I have some good and 
unexpected news for you. Mr Perkupp has procured you an appointment!" Lupin 
said: "Good biz!" and we drained our glasses.
Lupin then said: "Fill up the glasses again, for I have some good and 
unexpected news for you."
I had some slight misgivings, and so evidently had Carrie, for she said: "I 
hope we shall think it good news."
Lupin said: "Oh, it's all right! I'm engaged to be married!"


Chapter 8

Daisy Mutlar sole topic of conversation. Lupin's new berth. Fireworks at the 
Cummings'. The `Holloway Comedians'. Sarah quarrels with the charwoman. 
Lupin's uncalled-for interference. Am introduced to Daisy Mutlar. We decide to 
give a party in her honour.

NOVEMBER 5, SUNDAY. Carrie and I troubled about that mere boy Lupin, getting 
engaged to be married without consulting us or anything. After dinner he told 
us all about it. He said the lady's name was Daisy Mutlar, and she was the 
nicest, prettiest, and most accomplished girl he ever met. He loved her the 
moment he saw her, and if he had to wait fifty years he would wait, and he 
knew she would wait for him.
Lupin further said, with much warmth, that the world was a different world to 
him now -it was a world worth living in. He lived with an object now, and that 
was to make Daisy Mutlar -Daisy Pooter, and he would guarantee she would not 
disgrace the family of the Pooters. Carrie here burst out crying, and threw 
her arms round his neck, and in doing so upset the glass of port he held in 
his hand all over his new light trousers.
I said I had no doubt we should like Miss Mutlar when we saw her, but Carrie 
said she loved her already. I thought this rather premature, but held my 
tongue. Daisy Mutlar was the sole topic of conversation for the remainder of 
the day. I asked Lupin who her people were, and he replied: "Oh, you know 
Mutlar, Williams and Watts." I did not know, but refrained from asking any 
further questions at present, for fear of irritating Lupin.

NOVEMBER 6. Lupin went with me to the office, and had a long conversation with 
Mr Perkupp, our principal, the result of which was that he accepted a 
clerkship in the firm of Job Cleanands and Co., Stock and Share Brokers. Lupin 
told me, privately, it was an advertising firm, and he did not think much of 
it. I replied: "Beggars should not be choosers"; and I will do Lupin the 
justice to say he looked rather ashamed of himself.
In the evening we went round to the Cummings', to have a few fireworks. It 
began to rain, and I thought it rather dull. One of my squibs would not go 
off, and Gowing said: "Hit it on your boot, boy; it will go off then." I gave 
it a few knocks on the end of my boot, and it went off with one loud 
explosion, and burnt my fingers rather badly. I gave the rest of the squibs to 
the little Cummings boy to let off.
Another unfortunate thing happened, which brought a heap of abuse on my head. 
Cummings fastened a large wheel set-piece on a stake in the ground by way of a 
grand finale. He made a great fuss about it; said it cost seven shillings. 
There was a little difficulty in getting it alight. At last it went off; but 
after a couple of slow revolutions it stopped. I had my stick with me, so I 
gave it a tap to send it round, and, unfortunately, it fell off the stake on 
to the grass. Anybody would have thought I had set the house on fire from the 
way in which they stormed at me. I will never join in any more firework 
parties. It is a ridiculous waste of time and money.

NOVEMBER 7. Lupin asked Carrie to call on Mrs Mutlar, but Carrie said she 
thought Mrs Mutlar ought to call on her first. I agreed with Carrie, and this 
led to an argument. However, the matter was settled by Carrie saying she could 
not find any visiting cards, and we must get some more printed, and when they 
were finished would be quite time enough to discuss the etiquette of calling.

NOVEMBER 8. I ordered some of our cards at Black's, the stationers. I ordered 
twenty-five of each, which will last us for a good long time. In the evening, 
Lupin brought in Frank Mutlar, Miss Mutlar's brother. He was rather a gawky 
youth, and Lupin said he was the most popular and best amateur in the club, 
referring to the `Holloway Comedians'. Lupin whispered to us that if we could 
only "draw out" Frank a bit, he would make us roar with laughter.
At supper, young Mutlar did several amusing things. He took up a knife, and 
with the flat part of it played a tune on his cheek in a wonderful manner. He 
also gave an imitation of an old man with no teeth, smoking a big cigar. The 
way he kept dropping the cigar sent Carrie into fits.
In the course of conversation, Daisy's name cropped up, and young Mutlar said 
he would bring his sister round to us one evening -his parents being rather 
old-fashioned, and not going out much. Carrie said we would get up a little 
special party. As young Mutlar showed no inclination to go, and it was 
approaching eleven o'clock, as a hint I reminded Lupin that he had to be up 
early tomorrow. Instead of taking the hint, Mutlar began a series of comic 
imitations. He went on for an hour without cessation. Poor Carrie could 
scarcely keep her eyes open. At last she made an excuse, and said "Good night".
Mutlar then left, and I heard him and Lupin whispering in the hall something 
about the `Holloway Comedians', and to my disgust, although it was past 
midnight, Lupin put on his hat and coat, and went out with his new companion.

NOVEMBER 9. My endeavours to discover who tore the sheets out of my diary 
still fruitless. Lupin has Daisy Mutlar on the brain, so we see little of him, 
except that be invariably turns up at meal times. Cummings dropped in.

NOVEMBER 10. Lupin seems to like his new berth -that's a comfort. Daisy Mutlar 
the sole topic of conversation during tea. Carrie almost as full of it as 
Lupin. Lupin informs me to my disgust, that he has been persuaded to take part 
in the forthcoming performance of the `Holloway Comedians'. He says he is to 
play Bob Britches in the farce, Gone to my Uncle's; Frank Mutlar is going to 
play old Musty. I told Lupin pretty plainly I was not in the least degree 
interested in the matter, and totally disapproved of amateur theatricals. 
Gowing came in the evening.

NOVEMBER 11. Returned home to find the house in a most disgraceful uproar. 
Carrie, who appeared very frightened, was standing outside her bedroom, while 
Sarah was excited and crying. Mrs Birrel (the charwoman), who had evidently 
been drinking, was shouting at the top of her voice that she was "no thief, 
that she was a respectable woman, who had to work hard for her living, and she 
would smack anyone's face who put lies into her mouth". Lupin, whose back was 
towards me, did not hear me come in. He was standing between the two women, 
and, I regret to say, in his endeavour to act as peacemaker, he made use of 
rather strong language in the presence of his mother; and I was just in time 
to hear him say: "And all this fuss about the loss of a few pages from a 
rotten diary that wouldn't fetch three-halfpence a pound!" I said, quietly: 
"Pardon me, Lupin, that is a matter of opinion; and as I am master of this 
house, perhaps you will allow me to take the reins."
I ascertained that the cause of the row was, that Sarah had accused Mrs 
Birrell of tearing the pages out of my diary to wrap up some kitchen fat and 
leavings which she had taken out of the house last week. Mrs Birrell had 
slapped Sarah's face, and said she had taken nothing out of the place, as 
there was "never no leavings to take". I ordered Sarah back to her work, and 
requested Mrs Birrell to go home. When I entered the parlour Lupin was kicking 
his legs in the air, and roaring with laughter.

NOVEMBER 12, SUNDAY. Coming home from church Carrie and I met Lupin, Daisy 
Mutlar, and her brother. Daisy was introduced to us, and we walked home 
together, Carrie walking on with Miss Mutlar. We asked them in for a few 
minutes, and I had a good look at my future daughter-in-law. My heart quite 
sank. She is a big young woman, and I should think at least eight years older 
than Lupin. I did not even think her good-looking. Carrie asked her if she 
could come in on Wednesday next with her brother to meet a few friends. She 
replied that she would only be too pleased.

NOVEMBER 13. Carrie sent out invitations to Gowing, the Cummings, to Mr and 
Mrs James (of Sutton), and Mr Stillbrook. I wrote a note to Mr Franching, of 
Peckham. Carrie said we may as well make it a nice affair, and why not ask our 
principal, Mr Perkupp? I said I feared we were not quite grand enough for him. 
Carrie said there was "no offence in asking him". I said: "Certainly not," and 
wrote him a letter. Carrie confessed she was a little disappointed with Daisy 
Mutlar's appearance, but thought she seemed a nice girl.

NOVEMBER 14. Everybody so far has accepted for our quite grand little party 
for tomorrow. Mr Perkupp, in a nice letter which I shall keep, wrote that he 
was dining in Kensington, but if he could get away, he would come up to 
Holloway for an hour. Carrie was busy all day, making little cakes and open 
jam puffs and jellies. She said she felt quite nervous about her 
responsibilities tomorrow evening. We decided to have some light things on the 
table, such as sandwiches, cold chicken and ham, and some sweets, and on the 
sideboard a nice piece of cold beef and a Paysandu tongue for the more hungry 
ones to peg into if they liked.
Gowing called to know if he was to put on `swallow-tails' tomorrow. Carrie 
said he had better dress, especially as Mr Franching was coming, and there was 
a possibility of Mr Perkupp also putting in an appearance.
Gowing said: "Oh, I only wanted to know; for I have not worn my dress-coat for 
some time, and I must send it to have the creases pressed out."
After Gowing left, Lupin came in, and in his anxiety to please Daisy Mutlar, 
carped at and criticised the arrangements, and, in fact, disapproved of 
everything, including our having asked our old friend Cummings, who, he said, 
would look in evening-dress like a greengrocer engaged to wait, and who must 
not be surprised if Daisy took him for one.
I fairly lost my temper, and said: "Lupin, allow me to tell you Miss Daisy 
Mutlar is not the Queen of England. I gave you credit for more wisdom than to 
allow yourself to be inveigled into an engagement with a woman considerably 
older than yourself. I advise you to think of earning your living before 
entangling yourself with a wife whom you will have to support, and in all 
probability, her brother also, who appeared to be nothing but a loafer."
Instead of receiving this advice in a sensible manner, Lupin jumped up and 
said: "If you insult the lady I am engaged to, you insult me. I will leave the 
house and never darken your doors again."
He went out of the house, slamming the hall-door. But it was all right. He 
came back to supper, and we played Bezique till nearly twelve o'clock.


Chapter 9

Our first important party. Old friends and new friends. Gowing is a little 
annoying; but his friend, Mr Stillbrook, turns out to be quite amusing. 
Inopportune arrival of Mr Perkupp, but he is most kind and complimentary. 
Party a great success.

NOVEMBER 15. A RED-LETTER DAY. Our first important party since we have been in 
this house. I got home early from the City. Lupin insisted on having a hired 
waiter, and stood a half-dozen of champagne. I think this an unnecessary 
expense, but Lupin said he had had a piece of luck, having made three pounds 
out of a private deal in the City. I hope he won't gamble in his new 
situation. The supper-room looked so nice, and Carrie truly said: "We need not 
be ashamed of its being seen by Mr Perkupp, should he honour us by coming."
I dressed early in case people should arrive punctually at eight o'clock, and 
was much vexed to find my new dress-trousers much too short. Lupin, who is 
getting beyond his position, found fault with my wearing ordinary boots 
instead of dress-boots.
I replied satirically: "My dear son, I have lived to be above that sort of 
thing."
Lupin burst out laughing, and said: "A man generally was above his boots."
This may be funny, or it may not; but I was gratified to find he had not 
discovered the coral had come off one of my studs. Carrie looked a picture, 
wearing the dress she wore at the Mansion House. The arrangement of the 
drawing-room was excellent. Carrie had hung muslin curtains over the 
folding-doors, and also over one of the entrances, for we had removed the door 
from its hinges.
Mr Peters, the waiter, arrived in good time, and I gave him strict orders not 
to open another bottle of champagne until the previous one was empty. Carrie 
arranged for some sherry and port wine to be placed on the drawing-room 
sideboard, with some glasses. By-the-by, our new enlarged and tinted 
photographs look very nice on the walls, especially as Carrie has arranged 
some Liberty silk bows on the four corners of them.
The first arrival was Gowing, who, with his usual taste, greeted me with: 
"Hulloh, Pooter, why your trousers are too short!"
I simply said: "Very likely, and you will find my temper `short' also."
He said: "That won't make your trousers longer, Juggins. You should get your 
missus to put a flounce on them."
I wonder I waste my time entering his insulting observations in my diary.
The next arrivals were Mr and Mrs Cummings. The former said: "As you didn't 
say anything about dress, I have come `half-dress'." He had on a black 
frock-coat and white tie. The James, Mr Merton, and Mr Stillbrook arrived, but 
Lupin was restless and unbearable till his Daisy Mutlar and Frank arrived.
Carrie and I were rather startled at Daisy's appearance. She had a 
bright-crimson dress on, cut very low in the neck. I do not think such a style 
modest. She ought to have taken a lesson from Carrie, and covered her 
shoulders with a little lace. Mr Nackles, Mr Sprice-Hogg and his four 
daughters came; so did Franching, and one or two of Lupin's new friends, 
members of the `Holloway Comedians'. Some of these seemed rather theatrical in 
their manner, especially one, who was posing all the evening, and leant on our 
little round table and cracked it. Lupin called him "our Henry", and said he 
was "our lead at the H.C.'s", and was quite as good in that department as 
Frank Mutlar was as the low-comedy merchant. All this is Greek to me.
We had some music, and Lupin, who never left Daisy's side for a moment, raved 
over her singing of a song, called "Some Day". It seemed a pretty song, but 
she made such grimaces, and sang, to my mind, so out of tune, I would not have 
asked her to sing again; but Lupin made her sing four songs right off, one 
after the other.
At ten o'clock we went down to supper, and from the way Gowing and Cummings 
ate you would have thought they had not had a meal for a month. I told Carrie 
to keep something back in case Mr Perkupp should come by mere chance. Gowing 
annoyed me very much by filling a large tumbler of champagne, and drinking it 
straight off. He repeated his action, and made me fear our half-dozen of 
champagne would not last out. I tried to keep a bottle back, but Lupin got 
hold of it, and took it to the side-table with Daisy and Frank Mutlar.
We went upstairs, and the young fellows began skylarking. Carrie put a stop to 
that at once. Stillbrook amused us with a song, "What have you done with your 
Cousin John?" I did not notice that Lupin and Frank had disappeared. I asked 
Mr Watson, one of the Holloways, where they were, and he said: "It's a case of 
`Oh, what a surprise!' "
We were directed to form a circle -which we did. Watson then said: "I have 
much pleasure in introducing the celebrated Blondin Donkey." Frank and Lupin 
then bounded into the room. Lupin had whitened his face like a clown, and 
Frank had tied round his waist a large hearth-rug. He was supposed to be the 
donkey, and he looked it. They indulged in a very noisy pantomime, and we were 
all shrieking with laughter.
I turned round suddenly, and then I saw Mr Perkupp standing half-way in the 
door, he having arrived without our knowing it. I beckoned to Carrie, and we 
went up to him at once. He would not come right into the room. I apologised 
for the foolery, but Mr Perkupp said: "Oh, it seems amusing." I could see he 
was not a bit amused.
Carrie and I took him downstairs, but the table was a wreck. There was not a 
glass of champagne left -not even a sandwich. Mr Perkupp said he required 
nothing, but would like a glass of seltzer or soda water. The last syphon was 
empty. Carrie said: "We have plenty of port wine left." Mr Perkupp said with a 
smile: "No, thank you. I really require nothing, but I am most pleased to see 
you and your husband in your own home. Good night, Mrs Pooter, you will excuse 
my very short stay, I know." I went with him to his carriage, and he said: 
"Don't trouble to come to the office till twelve tomorrow."
I felt despondent as I went back to the house, and I told Carrie I thought the 
party was a failure. Carrie said it was a great success, and I was only tired, 
and insisted on my having some port myself. I drank two glasses, and felt much 
better, and we went into the drawing-room, where they had commenced dancing. 
Carrie and I had a little dance, which I said reminded me of old days. She 
said I was a spooney old thing.


Chapter 10

Reflections. I make another good joke. Am annoyed at the constant serving-up 
of the blanc-mange. Lupin expresses his opinion of weddings. Lupin falls out 
with Daisy Mutlar.

NOVEMBER 16. Woke about twenty times during the night, with terrible thirst. 
Finished of fall the water in the bottle, as well as half that in the jug. 
Kept dreaming also, that last night's party was a failure, and that a lot of 
low people came without invitation, and kept chaffing and throwing things at 
Mr Perkupp, till at last I was obliged to hide him in the box-room (which we 
had just discovered), with a bath-towel over him. It seems absurd now, but it 
was painfully real in the dream. I had the same dream about a dozen times.
Carrie annoyed me by saying: "You know champagne never agrees with you." I 
told her I had only a couple of glasses of it, having kept myself entirely to 
port. I added that good champagne hurt nobody, and Lupin told me he had only 
got it from a traveller as a favour, as that particular brand had been 
entirely bought up by a West-End club.
I think I ate too heartily of the `side dishes', as the waiter called them. I 
said to Carrie: "I wish I had put those `side dishes' aside." I repeated this, 
but Carrie was busy, packing up the teaspoons we had borrowed of Mrs Cummings 
for the party. It was just half-past eleven, and I was starting for the 
office, when Lupin appeared, with a yellow complexion, and said: "Hulloh! 
Guv., what priced head have you this morning?" I told him he might just as 
well speak to me in Dutch. He added: "When I woke this morning, my head was as 
big as Baldwin's balloon." On the spur of the moment I said the cleverest 
thing I think I have ever said; viz.: "Perhaps that accounts for the 
para-shooting pains." We all three roared.

NOVEMBER 17. Still feel tired and headachy! In the evening Gowing called, and 
was full of praise about our party last Wednesday. He said everything was done 
beautifully, and he enjoyed himself enormously. Gowing can be a very nice 
fellow when he likes, but you never know how long it will last. For instance, 
he stopped to supper, and seeing some blanc-mange on the table, shouted out, 
while the servant was in the room: "Hulloh! The remains of Wednesday?"

NOVEMBER 18. Woke up quite fresh after a good night's rest, and feel quite 
myself again. I am satisfied a life of going-out and Society is not a life for 
me; we therefore declined the invitation which we received this morning to 
Miss Bird's wedding. We only met her twice at Mrs James's, and it means a 
present. Lupin said: "I am with you for once. To my mind a wedding's a very 
poor play. There are only two parts in it -the bride and bridegroom. The best 
man is only a walking gentleman. With the exception of a crying father and a 
snivelling mother, the rest are supers who have to dress well and have to pay 
for their insignificant parts in the shape of costly presents." I did not care 
for the theatrical slang, but thought it clever, though disrespectful.
I told Sarah not to bring up the blanc-mange again for breakfast. It seems to 
have been placed on our table at every meal since Wednesday. Cummings came 
round in the evening, and congratulated us on the success of our party. He 
said it was the best party he had been to for many a year; but he wished we 
had let him know it was full dress, as he would have turned up in his 
swallow-tails. We sat down to a quiet game of dominoes, and were interrupted 
by the noisy entrance of Lupin and Frank Mutlar. Cummings and I asked them to 
join us. Lupin said he did not care for dominoes, and suggested a game of 
"Spoof". On my asking if it required counters, Frank and Lupin in measured 
time said: "One, two, three; go! Have you an estate in Greenland?" It was 
simply Greek to me, but it appears it is one of the customs of the `Holloway 
Comedians' to do this when a member displays ignorance.
In spite of my instructions, that blanc-mange was brought up again for supper. 
To make matters worse, there had been an attempt to disguise it, by placing it 
in a glass dish with jam round it. Carrie asked Lupin if he would have some, 
and he replied: "No second-hand goods for me, thank you." I told Carrie, when 
we were alone, if that blanc-mange were placed on the table again I should 
walk out of the house.

NOVEMBER 19, SUNDAY. A delightfully quiet day. In the afternoon Lupin was off 
to spend the rest of the day with the Mutlars. He departed in the best of 
spirits, and Carrie said: "Well, one advantage of Lupin's engagement with 
Daisy is that the boy seems happy all day long. That quite reconciles me to 
what I must confess seems an imprudent engagement."
Carrie and I talked the matter over during the evening, and agreed that it did 
not always follow that an early engagement meant an unhappy marriage. Dear 
Carrie reminded me that we married early, and with the exception of a few 
trivial misunderstandings, we had never had a really serious word. I could not 
help thinking (as I told her) that half the pleasures of life were derived 
from the little struggles and small privations that one had to endure at the 
beginning of one's married life. Such struggles were generally occasioned by 
want of means, and often helped to make loving couples stand together all the 
firmer.
Carrie said I had expressed myself wonderfully well, and that I was quite a 
philosopher.
We are all vain at times, and I must confess I felt flattered by Carrie's 
little compliment. I don't pretend to be able to express myself in fine 
language, but I feel I have the power of expressing my thoughts with 
simplicity and lucidness. About nine o'clock, to our surprise, Lupin entered, 
with a wild, reckless look, and in a hollow voice, which I must say seemed 
rather theatrical, said: "Have you any brandy?" I said: "No; but here is some 
whisky." Lupin drank off nearly a wine-glassful without water, to my horror.
We all three sat reading in silence till ten, when Carrie and I rose to go to 
bed. Carrie said to Lupin: "I hope Daisy is well?"
Lupin, with a forced careless air that he must have picked up from the 
`Holloway Comedians', replied: "Oh, Daisy? You mean Miss Mutlar. I don't know 
whether she is well or not, but please never to mention her name again in my 
presence."


Chapter 11

We have a dose of Irving imitations. Make the acquaintance of Mr Padge. Don't 
care for him. Mr Burwin-Fosselton becomes a nuisance.

NOVEMBER 20. Have seen nothing of Lupin the whole day. Bought a cheap 
address-book. I spent the evening copying in the names and addresses of my 
friends and acquaintances. Left out the Mutlars of course.

NOVEMBER 21. Lupin turned up for a few minutes in the evening. He asked for a 
drop of brandy with a sort of careless look, which to my mind was theatrical 
and quite ineffective. I said: "My boy, I have none, and I don't think I 
should give it you if I had." Lupin said: "I'll go where I can get some," and 
walked out of the house. Carrie took the boy's part, and the rest of the 
evening was spent in a disagreeable discussion, in which the words "Daisy" and 
"Mutlar" must have occurred a thousand times.

NOVEMBER 22. Gowing and Cummings dropped in during the evening. Lupin also 
came in, bringing his friend, Mr Burwin-Fosselton -one of the `Holloway 
Comedians' -who was at our party the other night, and who cracked our little 
round table. Happy to say Daisy Mutlar was never referred to. The conversation 
was almost entirely monopolised by the young fellow Fosselton, who not only 
looked rather like Mr Irving but seemed to imagine that he was the celebrated 
actor. I must say he gave some capital imitations of him. As he showed no 
signs of moving at supper time, I said: "If you like to stay, Mr Fosselton, 
for our usual crust -pray do." He replied: "Oh thanks; but please call me 
Burwin-Fosselton. It is a double name. There are lots of Fosseltons, but 
please call me Burwin-Fosselton."
He began doing the Irving business all through supper. He sank so low down in 
his chair that his chin was almost on a level with the table, and twice he 
kicked Carrie under the table, upset his wine, and flashed a knife 
uncomfortably near Gowing's face. After supper he kept stretching out his legs 
on the fender indulging in scraps of quotations from plays which were Greek to 
me and more than once knocked over the fire-irons making a hideous row -poor 
Carrie already having a bad headache.
When he went, he said, to our surprise: "I will come tomorrow and bring my 
Irving make-up." Gowing and Cummings said they would like to see it and would 
come too. I could not help thinking they might as well give a party at my 
house while they are about it. However, as Carrie sensibly said: "Do anything, 
dear, to make Lupin forget the Daisy Mutlar business."

NOVEMBER 23. In the evening, Cummings came early. Gowing came a little later 
and brought, without asking permission, a fat and, I think, very 
vulgar-looking man named Padge, who appeared to be all moustache. Gowing never 
attempted any apology to either of us, but said Padge wanted to see the Irving 
business, to which Padge said: "That's right," and that is about all he did 
say during the entire evening. Lupin came in and seemed in much better 
spirits. He had prepared a bit of a surprise. Mr Burwin-Fosselton had come in 
with him, but had gone upstairs to get ready. In half-an-hour Lupin retired 
from the parlour, and returning in a few minutes, announced "Mr Henry Irving."
I must say we were all astounded. I never saw such a resemblance. It was 
astonishing. The only person who did not appear interested was the man Padge, 
who had got the best armchair, and was puffing away at a foul pipe into the 
fireplace. After some little time I said: "Why do actors always wear their 
hair so long?" Carrie in a moment said, "Mr Hare doesn't wear long hair." How 
we laughed except Mr Fosselton, who said, in a rather patronising kind of way, 
"The joke, Mrs Pooter, is extremely appropriate, if not altogether new." 
Thinking this rather a snub, I said: "Mr Fosselton, I fancy -" He interrupted 
me by saying: "Mr Burwin-Fosselton, if you please," which made me quite forget 
what I was going to say to him. During the supper Mr Burwin-Fosselton again 
monopolised the conversation with his Irving talk, and both Carrie and I came 
to the conclusion one can have even too much imitation of Irving. After 
supper, Mr Burwin-Fosselton got a little too boisterous over his Irving 
imitation, and suddenly seizing Gowing by the collar of his coat, dug his 
thumb-nail, accidentally of course, into Gowing's neck and took a piece of 
flesh out. Gowing was rightly annoyed, but that man Padge, who having declined 
our modest supper in order that he should not lose his comfortable chair, 
burst into an uncontrollable fit of laughter at the little misadventure. I was 
so annoyed at the conduct of Padge, I said: "I suppose you would have laughed 
if he had poked Mr Gowing's eye out?" to which Padge replied: "That's right," 
and laughed more than ever. I think perhaps the greatest surprise was when we 
broke up, for Mr Burwin-Fosselton said: "Good night, Mr Pooter. I'm glad you 
like the imitation. I'll bring the other make-up tomorrow night."

NOVEMBER 24. I went to town without a pocket-handkerchief. This is the second 
time I have done this during the last week. I must be losing my memory. Had it 
not been for this Daisy Mutlar business, I would have written to Mr 
Burwin-Fosselton and told him I should be out this evening, but I fancy he is 
the sort of young man who would come all the same.
Dear old Cummings came in the evening; but Gowing sent round a little note 
saying he hoped I would excuse his not turning up, which rather amused me. He 
added that his neck was still painful. Of course, Burwin-Fosselton came, but 
Lupin never turned up, and imagine my utter disgust when that man Padge 
actually came again, and not even accompanied by Gowing. I was exasperated, 
and said: "Mr Padge, this is a surprise." Dear Carrie, fearing unpleasantness, 
said: "Oh, I suppose Mr Padge has only come to see the other Irving make-up." 
Mr Padge said: "That's right," and took the best chair again, from which he 
never moved the whole evening.
My only consolation is, he takes no supper, so he is not an expensive guest, 
but I shall speak to Gowing about the matter. The Irving imitations and 
conversations occupied the whole evening, till I was sick of it. Once we had a 
rather heated discussion, which was commenced by Cummings saying that it 
appeared to him that Mr Burwin-Fosselton was not only like Mr Irving, but was 
in his judgement every way as good or even better. I ventured to remark that 
after all it was but an imitation of an original.
Cummings said surely some imitations were better than the originals. I made 
what I considered a very clever remark: "Without an original there can be no 
imitation." Mr Burwin-Fosselton said quite impertinently: "Don't discuss me in 
my presence, if you please; and, Mr Pooter, I should advise you to talk about 
what you understand"; to which that cad Padge replied: "That's right." Dear 
Carrie saved the whole thing by suddenly saying: "I'll be Ellen Terry." Dear 
Carrie's imitation wasn't a bit liked, but she was so spontaneous and so funny 
that the disagreeable discussion passed off. When they left, I very pointedly 
said to Mr Burwin-Fosselton and Mr Padge that we should be engaged tomorrow 
evening.

NOVEMBER 25. Had a long letter from Mr Fosselton respecting last night's 
Irving discussion. I was very angry, and I wrote and said I knew little or 
nothing about stage matters, was not in the least interested in them and 
positively declined to be drawn into a discussion on the subject, even at the 
risk of its leading to a breach of friendship. I never wrote a more determined 
letter.
On returning home at the usual hour on Saturday afternoon I met near the 
Archway Daisy Mutlar. My heart gave a leap. I bowed rather stiffly, but she 
affected not to have seen me. Very much annoyed in the evening by the 
laundress sending home an odd sock. Sarah said she sent two pairs, and the 
laundress declared only a pair and a half were sent. I spoke to Carrie about 
it, but she rather testily replied: "I am tired of speaking to her; you had 
better go and speak to her yourself. She is outside." I did so, but the 
laundress declared that only an odd sock was sent.
Gowing passed into the passage at this time and was rude enough to listen to 
the conversation, and interrupting, said: "Don't waste the odd sock, old man; 
do an act of charity and give it to some poor man with only one leg." The 
laundress giggled like an idiot. I was disgusted and walked upstairs for the 
purpose of pinning down my collar, as the button had come off the back of my 
shirt!
When I returned to the parlour, Gowing was retailing his idiotic joke about 
the odd sock, and Carrie was roaring with laughter. I suppose I am losing my 
sense of humour. I spoke my mind pretty freely about Padge. Gowing said he had 
met him only once before that evening. He had been introduced by a friend, and 
as he (Padge) had `stood' a good dinner, Gowing wished to show him some little 
return. Upon my word, Gowing's coolness surpasses all belief. Lupin came in 
before I could reply, and Gowing unfortunately inquired after Daisy Mutlar. 
Lupin shouted: "Mind your own business, sir!" and bounced out of the room, 
slamming the door. The remainder of the night was Daisy Mutlar -Daisy Mutlar 
-Daisy Mutlar. Oh dear!

NOVEMBER 26, SUNDAY. The Curate preached a very good sermon today -very good 
indeed. His appearance is never so impressive as our dear old Vicar's, but I 
am bound to say his sermons are much more impressive. A rather annoying 
incident occurred, of which I must make mention. Mrs Fernlosse, who is quite a 
grand lady, living in one of those large houses in the Camden Road, stopped to 
speak to me after church, when we were all coming out. I must say I felt 
flattered, for she is thought a good deal of. I suppose she knew me through 
seeing me so often take round the plate, especially as she always occupies the 
corner seat of the pew. She is a very influential lady, and may have had 
something of the utmost importance to say, but unfortunately, as she commenced 
to speak a strong gust of wind came and blew my hat off into the middle of the 
road.
I had to run after it, and had the greatest difficulty in recovering it. When 
I had succeeded in doing so, I found Mrs Fernlosse had walked on with some 
swell friends, and I felt I could not well approach her now, especially as my 
hat was smothered with mud. I cannot say how disappointed I felt.
In the evening (Sunday evening of all others) I found an impertinent note from 
Mr. Burwin-Fosselton, which ran as follows:

DEAR MR POOTER, -Although your junior by perhaps some twenty or thirty years 
-which is sufficient reason that you ought to have a longer record of the 
things and ways in this miniature of a planet -I feel it is just within the 
bounds of possibility that the wheels of your life don't travel so quickly 
round as those of the humble writer of these lines. The dandy horse of past 
days has been known to overtake the slow coach.
Do I make myself understood?
Very well, then! Permit me, Mr Pooter, to advise you to accept the verb, sap. 
Acknowledge your defeat, and take your whipping gracefully; for remember you 
threw down the glove, and I cannot claim to be either mentally or physically a 
coward!
Revenons a nos moutons.
Our lives run in different grooves. I live for MY ART -THE STAGE. Your life is 
devoted to commercial pursuits -`A life among Ledgers'. My books are of 
different metal. Your life in the City is honourable, I admit. But how 
different! Cannot even you see the ocean between us? A channel that prevents 
the meeting of our brains in harmonious accord. Ah! But chacun a son gout.
I have registered a vow to mount the steps of fame. I may crawl, I may slip, I 
may even falter (we are all weak), but reach the top rung of the ladder I 
will!!! When there, my voice shall be heard, for I will shout to the 
multitudes below: `Vici!' For the present I am only an amateur, and my work is 
unknown, forsooth, save to a party of friends, with here and there an enemy.
But, Mr Pooter, let me ask you, `What is the difference between the amateur 
and the professional?'
None!!!
Stay! Yes, there is a difference. One is paid for doing what the other does as 
skilfully for nothing!
But I will be paid, too! For I, contrary to the wishes of my family and 
friends, have at last elected to adopt the stage as my profession. And when 
the farce craze is over -and, mark you, that will be soon -I will make my 
power known; for I feel -pardon my apparent conceit -that there is no living 
man who can play the humpbacked Richard as I feel and know I can.
And you will be the first to come round and bend your head in submission. 
There are many matters you may understand, but knowledge of the fine art of 
acting is to you an unknown quantity.
Pray let this discussion cease with this letter. Vale!

Yours truly,
BURWIN-FOSSELTON.

I was disgusted. When Lupin came in, I handed him this impertinent letter, and 
said: "My boy, in that letter you can see the true character of your friend."
Lupin, to my surprise, said: "Oh yes. He showed me the letter before he sent 
it. I think he is right, and you ought to apologise."


Chapter 12

A serious discussion concerning the use and value of my diary. Lupin's opinion 
of 'Xmas. Lupin's unfortunate engagement is on again.

DECEMBER 17. As I open my scribbling diary I find the words "Oxford Michaelmas 
Term ends". Why this should induce me to indulge in retrospect I don't know, 
but it does. The last few weeks of my diary are of minimum interest. The 
breaking off of the engagement between Lupin and Daisy Mutlar has made him a 
different being, and Carrie a rather depressing companion. She was a little 
dull last Saturday, and I thought to cheer her up by reading some extracts 
from my diary; but she walked out of the room in the middle of the reading, 
without a word. On her return, I said: "Did my diary bore you, darling?"
She replied, to my surprise: "I really wasn't listening, dear. I was obliged 
to leave to give instructions to the laundress. In consequence of some stuff 
she puts in the water, two more of Lupin's coloured shirts have run; and he 
says he won't wear them."
I said: "Everything is Lupin. It's all Lupin, Lupin, Lupin. There was not a 
single button on my shirt yesterday, but I made no complaint."
Carrie simply replied: "You should do as all other men do, and wear studs. In 
fact, I never saw anyone but you wear buttons on the shirt-fronts."
I said: "I certainly wore none yesterday, for there were none on."
Another thought that strikes me is that Gowing seldom calls in the evening, 
and Cummings never does. I fear they don't get on well with Lupin.

DECEMBER 18. Yesterday I was in a retrospective vein -today it is prospective. 
I see nothing but clouds, clouds, clouds. Lupin is perfectly intolerable over 
the Daisy Mutlar business. He won't say what is the cause of the breach. He is 
evidently condemning her conduct, and yet, if we venture to agree with him, 
says he won't hear a word against her. So what is one to do? Another thing 
which is disappointing to me is, that Carrie and Lupin take no interest 
whatever in my diary.
I broached the subject at the breakfast-table today. I said: "I was in hopes 
that, if anything ever happened to me, the diary would be an endless source of 
pleasure to you both; to say nothing of the chance of the remuneration which 
may accrue from its being published."
Both Carrie and Lupin burst out laughing. Carrie was sorry for this, I could 
see, for she said: "I did not mean to be rude, dear Charlie; but truly I do 
not think your diary would sufficiently interest the public to be taken up by 
a publisher."
I replied: "I am sure it would prove quite as interesting as some of the 
ridiculous reminiscences that have been published lately. Besides, it's the 
diary that makes the man. Where would Evelyn and Pepys have been if it had not 
been for their diaries?"
Carrie said I was quite a philosopher; but Lupin, in a jeering tone, said: "If 
it had been written on larger paper, Guv., we might get a fair price from a 
butterman for it."
As I am in the prospective vein, I vow the end of this year will see the end 
of my diary.

DECEMBER 19. The annual invitation came to spend Christmas with Carrie's 
mother -the usual family festive gathering to which we always look forward. 
Lupin declined to go. I was astounded, and expressed my surprise and disgust. 
Lupin then obliged us with the following Radical speech: "I hate a family 
gathering at Christmas. What does it mean? Why, someone says: `Ah! we miss 
poor Uncle James, who was here last year,' and we all begin to snivel. Someone 
else says: `It's two years since poor Aunt Liz used to sit in that corner.' 
Then we all begin to snivel again. Then another gloomy relation says: `Ah! I 
wonder whose turn it will be next?' Then we all snivel again, and proceed to 
eat and drink too much; and they don't discover until I get up that we have 
been seated thirteen at dinner."

DECEMBER 20. Went to Smirksons', the drapers, in the Strand, who this year 
have turned out everything in the shop and devoted the whole place to the sale 
of Christmas cards. Shop crowded with people, who seemed to take up the cards 
rather roughly, and, after a hurried glance at them, throw them down again. I 
remarked to one of the young persons serving, that carelessness appeared to be 
a disease with some purchasers. The observation was scarcely out of my mouth, 
when my thick coat-sleeve caught against a large pile of expensive cards in 
boxes one on top of the other, and threw them down. The manager came forward, 
looking very much annoyed, and picking up several cards from the ground, said 
to one of the assistants, with a palpable side-glance at me: "Put these 
amongst the sixpenny goods; they can't be sold for a shilling now." The result 
was, I felt it my duty to buy some of these damaged cards.
I had to buy more and pay more than intended. Unfortunately I did not examine 
them all, and when I got home I discovered a vulgar card with a picture of a 
fat nurse with two babies, one black and the other white, and the words: "We 
wish Pa a Merry Christmas." I tore up the card and threw it away. Carrie said 
the great disadvantage of going out in Society and increasing the number of 
our friends was, that we should have to send out nearly two dozen cards this 
year.

DECEMBER 21. To save the postman a miserable Christmas, we follow the example 
of all unselfish people, and send out our cards early. Most of the cards had 
finger-marks, which I did not notice at night. I shall buy all future cards in 
the daytime. Lupin (who, ever since he has had the appointment with a stock 
and share broker, does not seem over-scrupulous in his dealings) told me never 
to rub out the pencilled price on the backs of the cards. I asked him why. 
Lupin said: "Suppose your card is marked 9d. Well, all you have to do is to 
pencil a 3 -and a long down-stroke after it -in front of the ninepence, and 
people will think you have given five times the price for it."
In the evening Lupin was very low-spirited, and I reminded him that behind the 
clouds the sun was shining. He said: "Ugh! it never shines on me." I said: 
"Stop, Lupin, my boy; you are worried about Daisy Mutlar. Don't think of her 
any more. You ought to congratulate yourself on having got off a very bad 
bargain. Her notions are far too grand for our simple tastes." He jumped up 
and said: "I won't allow one word to be uttered against her. She's worth the 
whole bunch of your friends put together, that inflated sloping-head of a 
Perkupp included." I left the room with silent dignity but caught my foot in 
the mat.

DECEMBER 23. I exchanged no words with Lupin in the morning; but as he seemed 
to be in exuberant spirits in the evening I ventured to ask him where he 
intended to spend his Christmas. He replied: "Oh, most likely at the Mutlars'."
In wonderment, I said: "What! after your engagement has been broken off?"
Lupin said: "Who said it is off?"
I said: "You have given us both to understand -"
He interrupted me by saying: "Well, never mind what I said. It is on again 
-there!"


Chapter 13

I receive an insulting Christmas card. We spend a pleasant Christmas at 
Carrie's mother's. A Mr Moss is rather too free. A boisterous evening, during 
which I am struck in the dark. I receive an extraordinary letter from Mr 
Mutlar, senior, respecting Lupin. We miss drinking out the old year.

DECEMBER 24. I am a poor man, but I would gladly give ten shillings to find 
out who sent me the insulting Christmas card I received this morning. I never 
insult people; why should they insult me? The worst part of the transaction 
is, that I find myself suspecting all my friends. The handwriting on the 
envelope is evidently disguised, being written sloping the wrong way. I cannot 
think either Gowing or Cummings would do such a mean thing. Lupin denied all 
knowledge of it, and I believe him; although I disapprove of his laughing and 
sympathising with the offender. Mr Franching would be above such an act; and I 
don't think any of the Mutlars would descend to such a course. I wonder if 
Pitt, that impudent clerk at the office, did it? Or Mrs Birrell, the 
charwoman, or Burwin-Fosselton? The writing is too good for the former.

CHRISTMAS DAY. We caught the 10.20 train at Paddington, and spent a pleasant 
day at Carrie's mother's. The country was quite nice and pleasant, although 
the roads were sloppy. We dined in the middle of the day, just ten of us, and 
talked over old times. If everybody had a nice, uninterfering mother-in-law, 
such as I have, what a deal of happiness there would be in the world. Being 
all in good spirits, I proposed her health; and I made, I think, a very good 
speech.
I concluded, rather neatly, by saying: "On an occasion like this -whether 
relatives, friends, or acquaintances -we are all inspired with good feelings 
towards each other. We are of one mind, and think only of love and friendship. 
Those who have quarrelled with absent friends should kiss and make up. Those 
who happily have not fallen out, can kiss all the same."
I saw the tears in the eyes of both Carrie and her mother, and must say I felt 
very flattered by the compliment. That dear old Reverend John Panzy Smith, who 
married us, made a most cheerful and amusing speech, and said he should act on 
my suggestion respecting the kissing. He then walked round the table and 
kissed all the ladies, including Carrie. of course one did not object to this: 
but I was more than staggered when a young fellow named Moss, who was a 
stranger to me, and who had scarcely spoken a word through dinner, jumped up 
suddenly with a sprig of mistletoe, and exclaimed: "Hulloh! I don't see why I 
shouldn't be in on this scene." Before one could realise what he was about to 
do, he kissed Carrie and the rest of the ladies.
Fortunately the matter was treated as a joke, and we all laughed; but it was a 
dangerous experiment, and I felt very uneasy for a moment as to the result. I 
subsequently referred to the matter to Carrie, but she said: "Oh, he's not 
much more than a boy." I said that he had a very large moustache for a boy. 
Carrie replied: "I didn't say he was not a nice boy."

DECEMBER 26. I did not sleep very well last night; I never do in a strange 
bed. I feel a little indigestion, which one must expect at this time of the 
year. Carrie and I returned to Town in the evening. Lupin came in late. He 
said he enjoyed his Christmas, and added: "I feel as fit as a Lowther Arcade 
fiddle, and only require a little more `oof' to feel as fit as a ú500 
Stradivarius." I have long since given up trying to understand Lupin's slang, 
or asking him to explain it.

DECEMBER 27. I told Lupin I was expecting Gowing and Cummings to drop in 
tomorrow evening for a quiet game. I was in hope the boy would volunteer to 
stay in, and help to amuse them. Instead of which, he said: "Oh, you had 
better put them off, as I have asked Daisy and Frank Mutlar to come." I said I 
could not think of doing such a thing. Lupin said: "Then I will send a wire, 
and put off Daisy." I suggested that a post-card or letter would reach her 
quite soon enough, and would not be so extravagant.
Carrie, who had listened to the above conversation with apparent annoyance, 
directed a well-aimed shaft at Lupin. She said: "Lupin, why do you object to 
Daisy meeting your father's friends? Is it because they are not good enough 
for her, or (which is equally possible) she is not good enough for them?" 
Lupin was dumbfounded, and could make no reply. When he left the room, I gave 
Carrie a kiss of approval.

DECEMBER 28. Lupin, on coming down to breakfast, said to his mother: "I have 
not put off Daisy and Frank, and should like them to join Gowing and Cummings 
this evening." I felt very pleased with the boy for this. Carrie said in 
reply: "I am glad you let me know in time, as I can turn over the cold leg of 
mutton, dress it with a little parsley, and no one will know it has been cut." 
She further said she would make a few custards, and stew some pippins, so that 
they would be cold by the evening.
Finding Lupin in good spirits, I asked him quietly if he really had any 
personal objection to either Gowing or Cummings. He replied: "Not in the 
least. I think Cummings looks rather an ass, but that is partly due to his 
patronising `the three-and-six-one-price hat company', and wearing a 
reach-me-down frock-coat. As for that perpetual brown velveteen jacket of 
Gowing's -why, he resembles an itinerant photographer."
I said it was not the coat that made the gentleman; whereupon Lupin, with a 
laugh, replied: "No, and it wasn't much of a gentleman who made their coats."
We were rather jolly at supper, and Daisy made herself very agreeable, 
especially in the earlier part of the evening, when she sang. At supper, 
however, she said: "Can you make tee-to-tums with bread?" and she commenced 
rolling pieces of bread, and twisting them round on the table. I felt this to 
be bad manners, but of course said nothing. Presently Daisy and Lupin, to my 
disgust, began throwing bread-pills at each other. Frank followed suit, and so 
did Cummings and Gowing, to my astonishment. They then commenced throwing hard 
pieces of crust, one piece catching me on the forehead, and making me blink. I 
said: "Steady, please; steady!" Frank jumped up and said: "Tum, tum; then the 
band played."
I did not know what this meant, but they all roared, and continued the 
bread-battle. Gowing suddenly seized all the parsley off the cold mutton, and 
threw it full in my face. I looked daggers at Gowing, who replied: "I say, 
it's no good trying to look indignant, with your hair full of parsley." I rose 
from the table, and insisted that a stop should be put to this foolery at 
once. Frank Mutlar shouted: "Time, gentlemen, please! time!" and turned out 
the gas, leaving us in absolute darkness.
I was feeling my way out of the room, when I suddenly received a hard 
intentional punch at the back of my head. I said loudly: "Who did that?" There 
was no answer; so I repeated the question, with the same result. I struck a 
match, and lighted the gas. They were all talking and laughing, so I kept my 
own counsel; but, after they had gone, I said to Carrie: "The person who sent 
me that insulting postcard at Christmas was here tonight."

DECEMBER 29. I had a most vivid dream last night. I woke up, and on falling 
asleep, dreamed the same dream over again precisely. I dreamt I heard Frank 
Mutlar telling his sister that he had not only sent me the insulting Christmas 
card, but admitted that he was the one who punched my head last night in the 
dark. As fate would have it, Lupin, at breakfast, was reading extracts from a 
letter he had just received from Frank.
I asked him to pass the envelope, that I might compare the writing. He did so, 
and I examined it by the side of the envelope containing the Christmas card. I 
detected a similarity in the writing, in spite of the attempted disguise. I 
passed them on to Carrie, who began to laugh. I asked her what she was 
laughing at, and she said the card was never addressed to me at all. It was 
"L. Pooter", not "C. Pooter". Lupin asked to look at the direction and the 
card, and exclaimed with a laugh: "Oh yes, Guv., it's meant for me." I said: 
"Are you in the habit of receiving insulting Christmas cards?" He replied: "Oh 
yes, and of sending them, too."
In the evening Gowing called, and said he enjoyed himself very much last 
night. I took the opportunity to confide in him, as an old friend, about the 
vicious punch last night. He burst out laughing, and said: "Oh, it was your 
head, was it? I know I accidentally hit something, but I thought it was a 
brick wall." I told him I felt hurt, in both senses of the expression.

DECEMBER 30, SUNDAY. Lupin spent the whole day with the Mutlars. He seemed 
rather cheerful in the evening, so I said: "I'm glad to see you so happy, 
Lupin." He answered: "Well, Daisy is a splendid girl, but I was obliged to 
take her old fool of a father down a peg. What with his meanness over his 
cigars, his stinginess over his drinks, his farthing economy in turning down 
the gas if you only quit the room for a second, writing to one on half-sheets 
of notepaper, sticking the remnant of the last cake of soap on to the new 
cake, putting two bricks on each side of the fireplace, and his general 
`outside-halfpenny-'bus-ness', I was compelled to let him have a bit of my 
mind." I said: "Lupin, you are not much more than a boy; I hope you won't 
repent it."

DECEMBER 31. The last day of the Old Year. I received an extraordinary letter 
from Mr Mutlar, senior. He writes: "Dear Sir, -For a long time past I have had 
considerable difficulty deciding the important question, `Who is the master of 
my own house? Myself, or your son Lupin?' Believe me, I have no prejudice one 
way or the other; but I have been most reluctantly compelled to give judgement 
to the effect that I am the master of it. Under the circumstances, it has 
become my duty to forbid your son to enter my house again. I am sorry, because 
it deprives me of the society of one of the most modest, unassuming, and 
gentlemanly persons I have ever had the honour of being acquainted with."
I did not desire the last day to wind up disagreeably, so I said nothing to 
either Carrie or Lupin about the letter.
A most terrible fog came on, and Lupin would go out in it, but promised to be 
back to drink out the Old Year -a custom we have always observed. At a quarter 
to twelve Lupin had not returned, and the fog was fearful. As time was drawing 
close, I got out the spirits. Carrie and I deciding on whisky, I opened a 
fresh bottle; but Carrie said it smelt like brandy. As I knew it to be whisky, 
I said there was nothing to discuss. Carrie, evidently vexed that Lupin had 
not come in, did discuss it all the same, and wanted me to have a small wager 
with her to decide by the smell. I said I could decide it by the taste in a 
moment. A silly and unnecessary argument followed, the result of which was we 
suddenly saw it was a quarter-past twelve, and, for the first time in our 
married life, we missed welcoming in the New Year. Lupin got home at a 
quarter-past two, having got lost in the fog -so he said.


Chapter 14

Begin the year with an unexpected promotion at the office. I make two good 
jokes. I get an enormous rise in my salary. Lupin speculates successfully and 
starts a pony-trap. Have to speak to Sarah. Extraordinary conduct of Gowing's.

JANUARY 1. I had intended concluding my diary last week; but a most important 
event has happened, so I shall continue for a little while longer on the 
fly-leaves attached to the end of my last year's diary. It had just struck 
half-past one, and I was on the point of leaving the office to have my dinner, 
when I received a message that Mr Perkupp desired to see me at once. I must 
confess that my heart commenced to beat and I had most serious misgivings.
Mr Perkupp was in his room writing, and he said: "Take a seat, Mr Pooter, I 
shall not be a moment."
I replied: "No, thank you, sir; I'll stand." I watched the clock on the 
mantelpiece, and I was waiting quite twenty minutes; but it seemed hours. Mr 
Perkupp at last got up himself.
I said: "I hope there is nothing wrong, sir?"
He replied: "Oh dear, no! quite the reverse, I hope." What a weight off my 
mind! My breath seemed to come back again in an instant.
Mr Perkupp said: "Mr Buckling is going to retire, and there will be some 
slight changes in the office. You have been with us nearly twenty-one years, 
and, in consequence of your conduct during that period, we intend making a 
special promotion in your favour. We have not quite decided how you will be 
placed; but in any case there will be a considerable increase in your salary, 
which, it is quite unnecessary for me to say, you fully deserve. I have an 
appointment at two; but you shall hear more tomorrow."
He then left the room quickly, and I was not even allowed time or thought to 
express a single word of grateful thanks to him. I need not say how dear 
Carrie received this joyful news. With perfect simplicity she said: "At last 
we shall be able to have a chimney-glass for the back drawing-room, which we 
always wanted." I added: "Yes, and at last you shall have that little costume 
which you saw at Peter Robinson's so cheap."

JANUARY 2. I was in a great state of suspense all day at the office. I did not 
like to worry Mr Perkupp; but as he did not send for me, and mentioned 
yesterday that he would see me again today, I thought it better, perhaps, to 
go to him. I knocked at his door, and on entering, Mr Perkupp said: "Oh, it's 
you, Mr Pooter; do you want to see me?" I said: "No, sir, I thought you wanted 
to see me!" "Oh!" he replied, "I remember. Well, I am very busy today; I will 
see you tomorrow."

JANUARY 3. Still in a state of anxiety and excitement, which was not 
alleviated by ascertaining that Mr. Perkupp sent word he should not be at the 
office today. In the evening, Lupin, who was busily engaged with a paper, said 
suddenly to me: "Do you know anything about chalk pits, Guv.?" I said: "No, my 
boy, not that I'm aware of." Lupin said: "Well, I give you the tip; chalk pits 
are as safe as Consols, and pay six per cent at par." I said a rather neat 
thing, viz.: "They may be six per cent at par, but your pa has no money to 
invest." Carrie and I both roared with laughter. Lupin did not take the 
slightest notice of the joke, although I purposely repeated it for him; but 
continued: "I give you the tip, that's all -chalk pits!" I said another funny 
thing: "Mind you don't fall into them!" Lupin put on a supercilious smile, and 
said: "Bravo! Joe Miller."

JANUARY 4. Mr Perkupp sent for me and told me that my position would be that 
of one of the senior clerks. I was more than overjoyed. Mr Perkupp added, he 
would let me know tomorrow what the salary would be. This means another day's 
anxiety; I don't mind, for it is anxiety of the right sort. That reminded me 
that I had forgotten to speak to Lupin about the letter I received from Mr 
Mutlar, senr. I broached the subject to Lupin in the evening, having first 
consulted Carrie. Lupin was riveted to the Financial News, as if he had been a 
born capitalist, and I said: "Pardon me a moment, Lupin, how is it you have 
not been to the Mutlars' any day this week?"
Lupin answered: "I told you! I cannot stand old Mutlar."
I said: "Mr Mutlar writes to me to say pretty plainly that he cannot stand you!"
Lupin said: "Well, I like his cheek in writing to you. I'll find out if his 
father is still alive, and I will write him a note complaining of his son, and 
I'll state pretty clearly that his son is a blithering idiot!"
I said: "Lupin, please moderate your expressions in the presence of your 
mother."
Lupin said: "I'm very sorry, but there is no other expression one can apply to 
him. However, I'm determined not to enter his place again."
I said: "You know, Lupin, he has forbidden you the house."
Lupin replied: "Well, we won't split straws -it's all the same. Daisy is a 
trump, and will wait for me ten years, if necessary."

JANUARY 5. I can scarcely write the news. Mr Perkupp told me my salary would 
be raised ú100! I stood gaping for a moment unable to realise it. I annually 
get ú10 rise, and I thought it might be ú15 or even ú20; but ú100 surpasses 
all belief. Carrie and I both rejoiced over our good fortune. Lupin came home 
in the evening in the utmost good spirits. I sent Sarah quietly round to the 
grocer's for a bottle of champagne, the same as we had before, `Jackson 
Freres'. It was opened at supper, and I said to Lupin: "This is to celebrate 
some good news I have received today." Lupin replied: "Hurray, Guv! And I have 
some good news, also; a double event, eh?" I said: "My boy, as a result of 
twenty-one years' industry and strict attention to the interests of my 
superiors in office, I have been rewarded with promotion and a rise in salary 
of ú100."
Lupin gave three cheers, and we rapped the table furiously, which brought in 
Sarah to see what the matter was. Lupin ordered us to "fill up" again, and 
addressing us upstanding, said: "Having been in the firm of Job Cleanands, 
stock and share-brokers, a few weeks, and not having paid particular attention 
to the interests of my superiors in office, my Guv'nor, as a reward to me, 
allotted me ú5 worth of shares in a really good thing. The result is, today I 
have made ú200." I said: "Lupin, you are joking." "No, Guv., it's the good old 
truth; Job Cleanands put me on to Chlorates."

JANUARY 21. I am very much concerned at Lupin having started a pony-trap. I 
said: "Lupin, are you justified in this outrageous extravagance?" Lupin 
replied: "Well, one must get to the City somehow. I've only hired it, and can 
give it up any time I like." I repeated my question: "Are you justified in 
this extravagance?" He replied: "Look here, Guv.; excuse me saying so, but 
you're a bit out of date. It does not pay nowadays, fiddling about over small 
things. I don't mean anything personal, Guv'nor. My boss says if I take his 
tip, and stick to big things, I can make big money!" I said I thought the very 
idea of speculation most horrifying. Lupin said: "It is not speculation, it's 
a dead cert." I advised him, at all events, not to continue the pony and cart; 
but he replied: "I made ú200 in one day; now suppose I only make ú200 in a 
month, or put it at ú100 a month, which is ridiculously low -why, that is 
ú1,200 a year? What's a few pounds a week for a trap?"
I did not pursue the subject further, beyond saying that I should feel glad 
when the autumn came, and Lupin would be of age and responsible for his own 
debts. He answered: "My dear Guv., I promise you faithfully that I will never 
speculate with what I have not got. I shall only go on Job Cleanands' tips, 
and as he is in the `know' it is pretty safe sailing." I felt somewhat 
relieved. Gowing called in the evening and, to my surprise, informed me that, 
as he had made ú10 by one of Lupin's tips, he intended asking us and the 
Cummings round next Saturday. Carrie and I said we should be delighted.

JANUARY 22. I don't generally lose my temper with servants; but I had to speak 
to Sarah rather sharply about a careless habit she has recently contracted of 
shaking the table-cloth, after removing the breakfast things, in a manner 
which causes all the crumbs to fall on the carpet, eventually to be trodden 
in. Sarah answered very rudely: "Oh, you are always complaining." I replied: 
"Indeed, I am not. I spoke to you last week about walking all over the 
drawing-room carpet with a piece of yellow soap on the heel of your boot." She 
said: "And you're always grumbling about your breakfast." I said: "No, I am 
not; but I feel perfectly justified in complaining that I never can get a 
hard-boiled egg. The moment I crack the shell it spurts all over the plate, 
and I have spoken to you at least fifty times about it." She began to cry and 
make a scene; but fortunately my 'bus came by, so I had a good excuse for 
leaving her. Gowing left a message in the evening, that we were not to forget 
next Saturday. Carrie amusingly said: "As he has never asked any friends 
before, we are not likely to forget it."

JANUARY 23. I asked Lupin to try and change the hard brushes he recently made 
me a present of, for some softer ones, as my hairdresser tells me I ought not 
to brush my hair too much just now.

JANUARY 24. The new chimney-glass came home for the back drawing-room. Carrie 
arranged some fans very prettily on the top and on each side. It is an immense 
improvement to the room.

JANUARY 25. We had just finished our tea, when who should come in but 
Cummings, who has not been here for over three weeks. I noticed that he looked 
anything but well, so I said: "Well, Cummings, how are you? You look a little 
blue." He replied: "Yes! and I feel blue too." I said: "Why, what's the 
matter?" He said: "Oh, nothing, except that I have been on my back for a 
couple of weeks, that's all. At one time my doctor nearly gave me up, yet not 
a soul has come near me. No one has even taken the trouble to inquire whether 
I was alive or dead."
I said: "This is the first I have heard of it. I have passed your house 
several nights, and presumed you had company, all the rooms were so 
brilliantly lighted."
Cummings replied: "No! The only company I have had was my wife, the doctor, 
and the landlady, the last-named having turned out a perfect trump. I wonder 
you did not see it in the paper. I know it was mentioned in the Bicycle News."
I thought to cheer him up, and said: "Well, you are all right now?"
He replied: "That's not the question. The question is whether an illness does 
not enable you to discover who are your true friends."
I said such an observation was unworthy of him. To make matters worse, in came 
Gowing, who gave Cummings a violent slap on the back, and said: "Hulloh! Have 
you seen a ghost? You look scared to death, like Irving in Macbeth." I said: 
"Gently, Gowing, the poor fellow has been very ill." Gowing roared with 
laughter and said: "Yes, and you look it, too." Cummings quietly said: "Yes, 
and I feel it too -not that I suppose you care."
An awkward silence followed. Gowing said: "Never mind, Cummings, you and the 
missis come round to my place tomorrow, and it will cheer you up a bit; for 
we'll open a bottle of wine."

JANUARY 26. An extraordinary thing happened. Carrie and I went round to 
Gowing's, as arranged, at half-past seven. We knocked and rang several times 
without getting an answer. At last the latch was drawn and the door opened a 
little way, the chain still being up. A man in shirt-sleeves put his head 
through and said: "Who is it? What do you want?" I said: "Mr Gowing, he is 
expecting us." The man said (as well as I could hear, owing to the yapping of 
a little dog): "I don't think he is. Mr Gowing is not at home." I said: "He 
will be in directly."
With that observation he slammed the door, leaving Carrie and me standing on 
the steps with a cutting wind blowing round the corner.
Carrie advised me to knock again. I did so, and then discovered for the first 
time that the knocker had been newly painted, and the paint had come off on my 
gloves -which were, in consequence, completely spoiled.

I knocked at the door with my stick two or three times.
The man opened the door, taking the chain off this time, and began abusing me. 
He said: "What do you mean by scratching the paint with your stick like that, 
spoiling the varnish? You ought to be ashamed of yourself."
I said: "Pardon me, Mr Gowing invited -"
He interrupted and said: "I don't care for Mr Gowing, or any of his friends. 
This is my door, not Mr Gowing's. There are people here besides Mr Gowing."
The impertinence of this man was nothing. I scarcely noticed it, it was so 
trivial in comparison with the scandalous conduct of Gowing.
At this moment Cummings and his wife arrived. Cummings was very lame and 
leaning on a stick; but got up the steps and asked what the matter was.
The man said: "Mr Gowing said nothing about expecting anyone. All he said was 
he had just received an invitation to Croydon, and he should not be back till 
Monday evening. He took his bag with him."
With that he slammed the door again. I was too indignant with Gowing's conduct 
to say anything. Cummings looked white with rage, and as he descended the 
steps struck his stick violently on the ground and said: "Scoundrel!"


Chapter 15

Gowing explains his conduct. Lupin takes us for a drive, which we don't enjoy. 
Lupin introduces us to Mr Murray Posh.

FEBRUARY 8. It does seem hard I cannot get good sausages for breakfast. They 
are either full of bread or spice, or are as red as beef. Still anxious about 
the ú20 I invested last week by Lupin's advice. However, Cummings has done the 
same.

FEBRUARY 9. Exactly a fortnight has passed, and I have neither seen nor heard 
from Gowing respecting his extraordinary conduct in asking us round to his 
house, and then being out. In the evening Carrie was engaged marking a 
half-dozen new collars I had purchased. I'll back Carrie's marking against 
anybody's. While I was drying them at the fire, and Carrie was rebuking me for 
scorching them, Cummings came in.
He seemed quite well again, and chaffed us about marking the collars. I asked 
him if he had heard from Gowing, and he replied that he had not. I said I 
should not have believed that Gowing could have acted in such an ungentlemanly 
manner. Cummings said: "You are mild in your description of him; I think he 
has acted like a cad."
The words were scarcely out of his mouth when the door opened, and Gowing, 
putting in his head, said: "May I come in?" I said: "Certainly." Carrie said 
very pointedly: "Well, you are a stranger." Gowing said: "Yes, I've been on 
and off to Croydon during the last fortnight." I could see Cummings was 
boiling over, and eventually he tackled Gowing very strongly respecting his 
conduct last Saturday week. Gowing appeared surprised, and said: "Why, I 
posted a letter to you in the morning announcing that the party was `off, very 
much off'." I said: "I never got it." Gowing, turning to Carrie, said: "I 
suppose letters sometimes miscarry, don't they, Mrs Carrie?" Cummings sharply 
said: "This is not a time for joking. I had no notice of the party being put 
off." Gowing replied: "I told Pooter in my note to tell you, as I was in a 
hurry. However, I'll inquire at the post-office, and we must meet again at my 
place." I added that I hoped he would be present at the next meeting. Carrie 
roared at this, and even Cummings could not help laughing.

FEBRUARY 10, SUNDAY. Contrary to my wishes, Carrie allowed Lupin to persuade 
her to take her for a drive in the afternoon in his trap. I quite disapprove 
of driving on a Sunday, but I did not like to trust Carrie alone with Lupin, 
so I offered to go too. Lupin said: "Now, that is nice of you, Guv., but you 
won't mind sitting on the back-seat of the cart?"
Lupin proceeded to put on a bright-blue coat that seemed miles too large for 
him. Carrie said it wanted taking in considerably at the back. Lupin said: 
"Haven't you seen a box-coat before? You can't drive in anything else."
He may wear what he likes in the future, for I shall never drive with him 
again. His conduct was shocking. When we passed Highgate Archway, he tried to 
pass everything and everybody. He shouted to respectable people who were 
walking quietly in the road to get out of the way; he flicked at the horse of 
an old man who was riding, causing it to rear; and, as I had to ride 
backwards, I was compelled to face a gang of roughs in a donkey-cart, whom 
Lupin had chaffed, and who turned and followed us for nearly a mile, 
bellowing, indulging in coarse jokes and laughter, to say nothing of 
occasionally pelting us with orange-peel. Lupin's excuse -that the Prince of 
Wales would have to put up with the same sort of thing if he drove to the 
Derby -was of little consolation to either Carrie or myself. Frank Mutlar 
called in the evening, and Lupin went out with him.

FEBRUARY 11. Feeling a little concerned about Lupin, I mustered up courage to 
speak to Mr Perkupp about him. Mr Perkupp has always been most kind to me, so 
I told him everything, including yesterday's adventure. Mr Perkupp kindly 
replied: "There is no necessity for you to be anxious, Mr Pooter. It would be 
impossible for a son of such good parents to turn out erroneously. Remember he 
is young, and will soon get older. I wish we could find room for him in this 
firm." The advice of this good man takes loads off my mind. In the evening 
Lupin came in.
After our little supper, he said: "My dear parents, I have some news, which I 
fear will affect you considerably." I felt a qualm come over me, and said 
nothing. Lupin then said: "It may distress you -in fact, I'm sure it will -but 
this afternoon I have given up my pony and trap for ever." It may seem absurd 
but I was so pleased, I immediately opened a bottle of port. Gowing dropped in 
just in time, bringing with him a large sheet, with a print of a tailless 
donkey, which he fastened against the wall. He then produced several separate 
tails, and we spent the remainder of the evening trying blindfolded to pin a 
tail on in the proper place. My sides positively ached with laughter when I 
went to bed.

FEBRUARY 12. In the evening I spoke to Lupin about his engagement with Daisy 
Mutlar. I asked if he had heard from her. He replied: "No; she promised that 
old windbag of a father of hers that she would not communicate with me. I see 
Frank Mutlar, of course; in fact, he said he might call again this evening." 
Frank called, but said he could not stop, as he had a friend waiting outside 
for him, named Murray Posh, adding he was quite a swell. Carrie asked Frank to 
bring him in.
He was brought in, Gowing entering at the same time. Mr Murray Posh was a 
tall, fat young man, and was evidently of a very nervous disposition, as he 
subsequently confessed he would never go in a hansom cab, nor would he enter a 
four-wheeler until the driver had first got on the box with his reins in his 
hands.
On being introduced, Gowing, with his usual want of tact, said: "Any relation 
to `Posh's three-shilling hats'!" Mr Posh replied: "Yes; but please understand 
I don't try on hats myself. I take no active part in the business." I replied: 
"I wish I had a business like it." Mr Posh seemed pleased, and gave a long but 
most interesting history of the extraordinary difficulties in the manufacture 
of cheap hats.
Murray Posh evidently knew Daisy Mutlar very intimately from the way he was 
talking of her; and Frank said to Lupin once, laughingly: "If you don't look 
out, Posh will cut you out!" When they had all gone, I referred to this 
flippant conversation; and Lupin said, sarcastically: "A man who is jealous 
has no respect for himself. A man who would be jealous of an elephant like 
Murray Posh could only have a contempt for himself. I know Daisy. She would 
wait ten years for me, as I said before; in fact, if necessary, she would wait 
twenty years for me."


Chapter 16

We lose money over Lupin's advice as to investment, so does Cummings. Murray 
Posh engaged to Daisy Mutlar.

FEBRUARY 18. Carrie has several times recently called attention to the 
thinness of my hair at the top of my head, and recommended me to get it seen 
to. I was this morning trying to look at it by the aid of a small hand-glass, 
when somehow my elbow caught against the edge of the chest of drawers and 
knocked the glass out of my hand and smashed it. Carrie was in an awful way 
about it, as she is rather absurdly superstitious. To make matters worse, my 
large photograph in the drawing-room fell during the night, and the glass 
cracked.
Carrie said: "Mark my words, Charles, some misfortune is about to happen."
I said: "Nonsense, dear."
In the evening Lupin arrived home early, and seemed a little agitated. I said: 
"What's up, my boy?" He hesitated a good deal, and then said: "You know those 
Parachikka Chlorates I advised you to invest ú20 in?" I replied: "Yes, they 
are all right, I trust?" He replied: "Well, no! To the surprise of everybody, 
they have utterly collapsed."
My breath was so completely taken away, I could say nothing. Carrie looked at 
me, and said: "What did I tell you?" Lupin, after a while, said: "However, you 
are specially fortunate. I received an early tip, and sold out yours 
immediately, and was fortunate to get ú2 for them. So you get something after 
all."
I gave a sigh of relief. I said: "I was not so sanguine as to suppose, as you 
predicted, that I should get six or eight times the amount of my investment; 
still a profit of ú2 is a good percentage for such a short time." Lupin said, 
quite irritably: "You don't understand. I sold your ú20 shares for ú2; you 
therefore lose ú18 on the transaction, whereby Cummings and Gowing will lose 
the whole of theirs."

FEBRUARY 19. Lupin, before going to town, said: "I am very sorry about those 
Parachikka Chlorates; it would not have happened if the boss, Job Cleanands, 
had been in town. Between ourselves, you must not be surprised if something 
goes wrong at our office. Job Cleanands has not been seen the last few days, 
and it strikes me several people do want to see him very particularly."
In the evening Lupin was just on the point of going out to avoid a collision 
with Gowing and Cummings, when the former entered the room, without knocking, 
but with his usual trick of saying, "May I come in?"
He entered, and to the surprise of Lupin and myself, seemed to be in the very 
best of spirits. Neither Lupin nor I broached the subject to him, but he did 
so of his own accord. He said: "I say, those Parachikka Chlorates have gone an 
awful smash! You're a nice one, Master Lupin. How much do you lose?" Lupin, to 
my utter astonishment, said: "Oh! I had nothing in them. There was some 
informality in my application -I forgot to enclose the cheque or something, 
and I didn't get any. The Guv. loses ú18." I said: "I quite understood you 
were in it, or nothing would have induced me to speculate." Lupin replied: 
"Well, it can't be helped; you must go double on the next tip." Before I could 
reply, Gowing said: "Well, I lose nothing, fortunately. From what I heard, I 
did not quite believe in them, so I persuaded Cummings to take my ú15 worth, 
as he had more faith in them than I had."
Lupin burst out laughing, and, in the most unseemly manner, said: "Alas, poor 
Cummings! He'll lose ú35." At that moment there was a ring at the bell. Lupin 
said: "I don't want to meet Cummings." If he had gone out of the door he would 
have met him in the passage, so as quickly as possible Lupin opened the 
parlour window and got out. Gowing jumped up suddenly, exclaiming: "I don't 
want to see him either!" and, before I could say a word, he followed Lupin out 
of the window.
For my own part, I was horrified to think my own son and one of my most 
intimate friends should depart from the house like a couple of interrupted 
burglars. Poor Cummings was very upset, and of course was naturally very angry 
both with Lupin and Gowing. I pressed him to have a little whisky, and he 
replied that he had given up whisky; but would like a little "Unsweetened," as 
he was advised it was the most healthy spirit. I had none in the house, but 
sent Sarah round to Lockwood's for some.

FEBRUARY 20. The first thing that caught my eye on opening the Standard was 
-"Great Failure of Stock and Share Dealers! Mr Job Cleanands Absconded!" I 
handed it to Carrie and she replied: "Oh! perhaps it's for Lupin's good. I 
never did think it a suitable situation for him." I thought the whole affair 
very shocking.
Lupin came down to breakfast, and seeing he looked painfully distressed, I 
said: "We know the news, my dear boy, and feel very sorry for you." Lupin 
said: "How did you know? Who told you?" I handed him the Standard He threw the 
paper down, and said: "Oh, I don't care a button for that! I expected that, 
but I did not expect this." He then read a letter from Frank Mutlar, 
announcing, in a cool manner, that Daisy Mutlar is to be married next month to 
Murray Posh. I exclaimed, "Murray Posh! Is not that the very man Frank had the 
impudence to bring here last Tuesday week?" Lupin said: "Yes; the 
`Posh's-three-shilling-hats' chap."
We all then ate our breakfast in dead silence.
In fact I could eat nothing. I was not only too worried, but I cannot and will 
not eat cushion of bacon. If I cannot get streaky bacon, I will do without 
anything.
When Lupin rose to go I noticed a malicious smile creep over his face. I asked 
him what it meant. He replied: "Oh! only a little consolation -still it is a 
consolation. I have just remembered that, by my advice, Mr Murray Posh has 
invested ú600 in Parachikka Chlorates!"


Chapter 17

Marriage of Daisy Mutlar and Murray Posh. The dream of my life realised. Mr 
Perkupp takes Lupin into the office.

MARCH 20. Today being the day on which Daisy Mutlar and Mr Murray Posh are to 
be married, Lupin has gone with a friend to spend the day at Gravesend. Lupin 
has been much cut-up over the affair, although he declares that he is glad it 
is off. I wish he would not go to so many music-halls, but one dare not say 
anything to him about it. At the present moment he irritates me by singing all 
over the house some nonsense about "What's the matter with Gladstone? He's all 
right! What's the matter with Lupin? He's all right!" I don't think either of 
them is. In the evening Gowing called, and the chief topic of conversation was 
Daisy's marriage to Murray Posh. I said I was glad the matter was at an end, 
as Daisy would only have made a fool of Lupin. Gowing, with his usual good 
taste, said: "Oh, Master Lupin can make a fool of himself without any 
assistance." Carrie very properly resented this, and Gowing had sufficient 
sense to say he was sorry.

MARCH 21. Today I shall conclude my diary, for it is one of the happiest days 
of my life. My great dream of the last few weeks -in fact, of many years -has 
been realised. This morning came a letter from Mr Perkupp, asking me to take 
Lupin down to the office with me. I went to Lupin's room; poor fellow, he 
seemed very pale, and said he had a bad headache. He had come back yesterday 
from Gravesend, where he spent part of the day in a small boat on the water, 
having been mad enough to neglect to take his overcoat with him. I showed him 
Mr Perkupp's letter, and he got up as quickly as possible. I begged of him not 
to put on his fast-coloured clothes and ties, but to dress in something black 
or quiet-looking.
Carrie was all of a tremble when she read the letter, and all she could keep 
on saying was: "Oh, I do hope it will be all right." For myself, I could 
scarcely eat any breakfast. Lupin came down dressed quietly, and looking a 
perfect gentleman, except that his face was rather yellow. Carrie, by way of 
encouragement, said: "You do look nice, Lupin." Lupin replied: "Yes, it's a 
good make-up, isn't it? A 
regular-downright-respectable-funereal-first-class-City-firm-junior-clerk." He 
laughed rather ironically.
In the hall I heard a great noise, and also Lupin shouting to Sarah to fetch 
down his old hat. I went into the passage, and found Lupin in a fury, kicking 
and smashing a new tall hat. I said: "Lupin, my boy, what are you doing? How 
wicked of you! Some poor fellow would be glad to have it." Lupin replied: "I 
would not insult any poor fellow by giving it to him."
When he had gone outside, I picked up the battered hat, and saw inside "Posh's 
Patent". Poor Lupin! I can forgive him. It seemed hours before we reached the 
office. Mr Perkupp sent for Lupin, who was with him nearly an hour. He 
returned, as I thought, crestfallen in appearance. I said: "Well, Lupin, how 
about Mr Perkupp?" Lupin commenced his song: "What's the matter with Perkupp? 
He's all right!" I felt instinctively my boy was engaged. I went to Mr 
Perkupp, but I could not speak. He said: "Well, Mr Pooter, what is it?" I must 
have looked a fool, for all I could say was: "Mr Perkupp, you are a good man." 
He looked at me for a moment, and said: "No, Mr Pooter, you are the good man; 
and we'll see if we cannot get your son to follow such an excellent example." 
I said: "Mr Perkupp, may I go home? I cannot work any more today."
My good master shook my hand warmly as he nodded his head. It was as much as I 
could do to prevent myself from crying in the 'bus; in fact, I should have 
done so, had my thoughts not been interrupted by Lupin, who was having a 
quarrel with a fat man in the 'bus, whom he accused of taking up too much room.
In the evening Carrie sent round for dear old friend Cummings and his wife, 
and also to Gowing. We all sat round the fire, and in a bottle of `Jackson 
Freres', which Sarah fetched from the grocer's, drank Lupin's health. I lay 
awake for hours, thinking of the future. My boy in the same office as myself 
-we can go down together by the 'bus, come home together, and who knows but in 
the course of time he may take great interest in our little home. That he may 
help me to put a nail in here or a nail in there, or help his dear mother to 
hang a picture. In the summer he may help us in our little garden with the 
flowers, and assist us to paint the stands and pots. (By-the-by, I must get in 
some more enamel paint.) All this I thought over and over again, and a 
thousand happy thoughts beside. I heard the clock strike four, and soon after 
fell asleep, only to dream of three happy people -Lupin, dear Carrie, and 
myself.


Chapter 18

Trouble with a stylographic pen. We go to a Volunteer Ball, where I am let in 
for an expensive supper. Grossly insulted by a cabman. An odd invitation to 
Southend.

APRIL 8. No events of any importance, except that Gowing strongly recommended 
a new patent stylographic pen, which cost me nine-and-sixpence, and which was 
simply nine-and-sixpence thrown in the mud. It has caused me constant 
annoyance and irritability of temper. The ink oozes out of the top, making a 
mess on my hands, and once at the office when I was knocking the palm of my 
hand on the desk to jerk the ink down, Mr Perkupp, who had just entered, 
called out: "Stop that knocking! I suppose that is you, Mr Pitt?" That young 
monkey, Pitt, took a malicious glee in responding quite loudly: "No, sir; I 
beg pardon, it is Mr Pooter with his pen; it has been going on all morning." 
To make matters worse, I saw Lupin laughing behind his desk. I thought it 
wiser to say nothing. I took the pen back to the shop and asked them if they 
would take it back, as it did not act. I did not expect the full price 
returned, but was willing to take half. The man said he could not do that 
-buying and selling were two different things. Lupin's conduct during the 
period he has been in Mr Perkupp's office has been most exemplary. My only 
fear is, it is too good to last.

APRIL 9. Gowing called, bringing with him an invitation for Carrie and myself 
to a ball given by the East Acton Rifle Brigade, which he thought would be a 
swell affair, as the member for East Acton (Sir William Grime) had promised 
his patronage. We accepted of his kindness, and he stayed to supper, an 
occasion I thought suitable for trying a bottle of the sparkling Algera that 
Mr James (of Sutton) had sent me as a present. Gowing sipped the wine, 
observing that he had never tasted it before, and further remarked that his 
policy was to stick to more recognised brands. I told him it was a present 
from a dear friend, and one mustn't look a gift-horse in the mouth. Gowing 
facetiously replied: "And he didn't like putting it in the mouth either."
I thought the remarks were rude without being funny, but on tasting it myself, 
came to the conclusion there was some justification for them. The sparkling 
Algera is very like cider, only more sour. I suggested that perhaps the 
thunder had turned it a bit acid. He merely replied: "Oh! I don't think so." 
We had a very pleasant game of cards, though I lost four shillings and Carrie 
lost one, and Gowing said he had lost about sixpence: how he could have lost, 
considering that Carrie and I were the only other players, remains a mystery.

APRIL 14, SUNDAY. Owing, I presume, to the unsettled weather, I awoke with a 
feeling that my skin was drawn over my face as tight as a drum. Walking round 
the garden with Mr and Mrs Treane, members of our congregation who had walked 
back with us, I was much annoyed to find a large newspaper full of bones on 
the gravel-path, evidently thrown over by those young Griffin boys next door; 
who, whenever we have friends, climb up the empty steps inside their 
conservatory, tap at the windows, making faces, whistling, and imitating birds.

APRIL 15. Burnt my tongue most awfully with the Worcester sauce, through that 
stupid girl Sarah shaking the bottle violently before putting it on the table.

APRIL 16. The night of the East Acton Volunteer Ball. On my advice, Carrie put 
on the same dress that she looked so beautiful in at the Mansion House, for it 
had occurred to me, being a military ball, that Mr Perkupp, who, I believe, is 
an officer in the Honourable Artillery Company, would in all probability be 
present. Lupin, in his usual incomprehensible language, remarked that he had 
heard it was a `bounders' ball'. I didn't ask him what he meant though I 
didn't understand. Where he gets these expressions from I don't know; he 
certainly doesn't learn them at home.
The invitation was for half-past eight, so I concluded if we arrived an hour 
later we should be in good time, without being `unfashionable', as Mrs James 
says. It was very difficult to find -the cabman having to get down several 
times to inquire at different public-houses where the Drill Hall was. I wonder 
at people living in such out-of-the-way places. No one seemed to know it. 
However, after going up and down a good many badly-lighted streets we arrived 
at our destination. I had no idea it was so far away from Holloway. I gave the 
cabman five shillings, who only grumbled, saying it was dirt cheap at 
half-a-sovereign, and was impertinent enough to advise me the next time I went 
to a ball to take a 'bus.
Captain Welcut received us, saying we were rather late, but that it was better 
late than never. He seemed a very good-looking gentleman though, as Carrie 
remarked, "rather short for an officer". He begged to be excused for leaving 
us, as he was engaged for a dance, and hoped we should make ourselves at home. 
Carrie took my arm and we walked round the rooms two or three times and 
watched the people dancing. I couldn't find a single person I knew, but 
attributed it to most of them being in uniform. As we were entering the 
supper-room I received a slap on the shoulder, followed by a welcome shake of 
the hand. I said: "Mr Padge, I believe?" He replied: "That's right."
I gave Carrie a chair, and seated by her was a lady who made herself at home 
with Carrie at once.
There was a very liberal repast on the tables, plenty of champagne, claret, 
etc., and, in fact, everything seemed to be done regardless of expense. Mr 
Padge is a man that, I admit, I have no particular liking for, but I felt so 
glad to come across someone I knew, that I asked him to sit at our table, and 
I must say that for a short fat man he looked well in uniform, although I 
think his tunic was rather baggy in the back. It was the only supper-room that 
I have been in that was not over-crowded; in fact we were the only people 
there, everybody being so busy dancing.
I assisted Carrie and her newly-formed acquaintance, who said her name was 
Lupkin, to some champagne; also myself, and handed the bottle to Mr Padge to 
do likewise, saying: "You must look after yourself." He replied: "That's 
right," and poured out half a tumbler and drank Carrie's health, coupled, as 
he said, "with her worthy lord and master." We all had some splendid pigeon 
pie, and ices to follow.
The waiters were very attentive, and asked if we would like some more wine. I 
assisted Carrie and her friend and Mr Padge, also some people who had just 
come from the dancing-room, who were very civil. It occurred to me at the time 
that perhaps some of the gentlemen knew me in the City, as they were so 
polite. I made myself useful, and assisted several ladies to ices, remembering 
an old saying that "There is nothing lost by civility".
The band struck up for the dance, and they all went into the ball-room. The 
ladies (Carrie and Mrs Lupkin) were anxious to see the dancing, and as I had 
not quite finished my supper, Mr Padge offered his arms to them and escorted 
them to the ballroom, telling me to follow. I said to Mr Padge: "It is quite a 
West End affair," to which remark Mr Padge replied: "That's right."
When I had quite finished my supper, and was leaving, the waiter who had been 
attending on us arrested my attention by tapping me on the shoulder. I thought 
it unusual for a waiter at a private ball to expect a tip, but nevertheless 
gave a shilling, as he had been very attentive. He smilingly replied: "I beg 
your pardon, sir, this is no good," alluding to the shilling. "Your party's 
had four suppers at 5s. a head, five ices at 1s., three bottles of champagne 
at 11s. 6d., a glass of claret, and a sixpenny cigar for the stout gentleman 
-in all ú3 0s. 6d.!"
I don't think I was ever so surprised in my life, and had only sufficient 
breath to inform him that I had received a private invitation, to which he 
answered that he was perfectly well aware of that; but that the invitation 
didn't include eatables and drinkables. A gentleman who was standing at the 
bar corroborated the waiter's statement, and assured me it was quite correct.
The waiter said he was extremely sorry if I had been under any 
misapprehension; but it was not his fault. of course there was nothing to be 
done but to pay. So, after turning out my pockets, I just managed to scrape up 
sufficient, all but nine shillings; but the manager, on my giving my card to 
him, said: "That's all right."
I don't think I ever felt more humiliated in my life, and I determined to keep 
this misfortune from Carrie, for it would entirely destroy the pleasant 
evening she was enjoying. I felt there was no more enjoyment for me that 
evening, and it being late, I sought Carrie and Mrs Lupkin. Carrie said she 
was quite ready to go, and Mrs Lupkin, as we were wishing her "Good night," 
asked Carrie and myself if we ever paid a visit to Southend? On my replying 
that I hadn't been there for many years, she very kindly said: "Well, why 
don't you come down and stay at our place?" As her invitation was so pressing, 
and observing that Carrie wished to go, we promised we would visit her the 
next Saturday week, and stay till Monday. Mrs Lupkin said she would write to 
us tomorrow, giving us the address and particulars of trains, etc.
When we got outside the Drill Hall it was raining so hard that the roads 
resembled canals, and I need hardly say we had great difficulty in getting a 
cabman to take us to Holloway. After waiting a bit, a man said he would drive 
us, anyhow, as far as "The Angel" at Islington, and we could easily get 
another cab from there. It was a tedious journey; the rain was beating against 
the windows and trickling down the inside of the cab.
When we arrived at "The Angel" the horse seemed tired out. Carrie got out and 
ran into a doorway, and when I came to pay, to my absolute horror I remembered 
I had no money, nor had Carrie. I explained to the cabman how we were 
situated. Never in my life have I ever been so insulted; the cabman, who was a 
rough bully and to my thinking not sober, called me every name he could lay 
his tongue to, and positively seized me by the beard, which he pulled till the 
tears came into my eyes. I took the number of a policeman (who witnessed the 
assault) for not taking the man in charge. The policeman said he couldn't 
interfere, that he had seen no assault, and that people should not ride in 
cabs without money.
We had to walk home in the pouring rain, nearly two miles, and when I got in I 
put down the conversation I had with the cabman, word for word, as I intend 
writing to the Telegraph for the purpose of proposing that cabs should be 
driven only by men under Government control, to prevent civilians being 
subjected to the disgraceful insult and outrage that I had had to endure.

APRIL 17. No water in our cistern again. Sent for Putley, who said he would 
soon remedy that, the cistern being zinc.

APRIL 18. Water all right again in the cistern. Mrs James, of Sutton, called 
in the afternoon. She and Carrie draped the mantelpiece in the drawing-room, 
and put little toy spiders, frogs, and beetles all over it, as Mrs James says 
it's quite the fashion. It was Mrs James's suggestion, and of course Carrie 
always does what Mrs James suggests. For my part, I preferred the mantelpiece 
as it was; but there, I'm a plain man, and don't pretend to be in the fashion.

APRIL 19. Our next-door neighbour, Mr Griffin, called and in a rather 
offensive tone accused me, or "someone," of boring a hole in his cistern and 
letting out his water to supply our cistern, which adjoined his. He said he 
should have his repaired, and send us in the bill.

APRIL 20. Cummings called, hobbling in with a stick, saying he had been on his 
back for a week. It appears he was trying to shut his bedroom door, which is 
situated just at the top of the staircase, and unknown to him a piece of cork 
the dog had been playing with had got between the door, and prevented it 
shutting; and in pulling the door hard, to give it an extra slam, the handle 
came off in his hands, and he fell backwards downstairs.
On hearing this, Lupin suddenly jumped up from the couch and rushed out of the 
room sideways. Cummings looked very indignant, and remarked it was very poor 
fun a man nearly breaking his back; and though I had my suspicions that Lupin 
was laughing, I assured Cummings that he had only run out to open the door to 
a friend he expected. Cummings said this was the second time he had been laid 
up, and we had never sent to inquire. I said I knew nothing about it. Cummings 
said: "It was mentioned in the Bicycle News."

APRIL 22. I have of late frequently noticed Carrie rubbing her nails a good 
deal with an instrument, and on asking her what she was doing, she replied: 
"Oh, I'm going in for manicuring. It's all the fashion now." I said: "I 
suppose Mrs James introduced that into your head." Carrie laughingly replied: 
"Yes; but everyone does it now."
I wish Mrs James wouldn't come to the house. Whenever she does she always 
introduces some new-fangled rubbish into Carrie's head. One of these days I 
feel sure I shall tell her she's not welcome. I am sure it was Mrs James who 
put Carrie up to writing on dark slate-coloured paper with white ink. Nonsense!

APRIL 25. Received a letter from Mrs Lupkin, of Southend, telling us the train 
to come by on Saturday, and hoping we would keep our promise to stay with her. 
The letter concluded: "you must come and stay at our house; we shall charge 
you half what you will have to pay at the Royal, and the view is every bit as 
good." Looking at the address at the top of the note-paper, I found it was: 
"Lupkin's Family and Commercial Hotel".
I wrote a note, saying we were compelled to "decline her kind invitation". 
Carrie thought this very satirical, and to the point.
By-the-by, I will never choose another cloth pattern at night. I ordered a new 
suit of dittos for the garden at Edwards', and chose the pattern by gaslight, 
and they seemed to be a quiet pepper-and-salt mixture with white stripes down. 
They came home this morning, and, to my horror, I found it was quite a 
flash-looking suit. There was a lot of green with bright yellow-coloured 
stripes.
I tried on the coat, and was annoyed to find Carrie giggling. She said: "What 
mixture did you say you asked for?"
I said: "A quiet pepper-and-salt."
Carrie said: "Well, it looks more like mustard, if you want to know the truth."


Chapter 19

Meet Teddy Finsworth, an old schoolfellow. We have a pleasant and quiet dinner 
at his uncle's, marred only by a few awkward mistakes on my part respecting Mr 
Finsworth's pictures. A discussion on dreams.

APRIL 27. Kept a little later than usual at the office, and as I was hurrying 
along a man stopped me, saying: "Hulloh! That's a face I know." I replied 
politely: "Very likely; lots of people know me, although I may not know them." 
He replied: "But you know me -Teddy Finsworth." So it was. He was at the same 
school with me. I had not seen him for years and years. No wonder I did not 
know him! At school he was at least a head taller than I was; now I am at 
least a head taller than he is, and he has a thick beard, almost grey. He 
insisted on my having a glass of wine (a thing I never do), and told me he 
lived at Middlesboro', where he was Deputy Town Clerk, a position which was as 
high as the Town Clerk of London -in fact, higher. He added that he was 
staying for a few days in London, with his uncle, Mr Edgar Paul Finsworth (of 
Finsworth and Pultwell). He said he was sure his uncle would be only too 
pleased to see me, and he had a nice house, Watney Lodge, only a few minutes' 
walk from Muswell Hill Station. I gave him our address, and we parted.
In the evening, to my surprise, he called with a very nice letter from Mr 
Finsworth, saying if we (including Carrie) would dine with them tomorrow 
(Sunday), at two o'clock, he would be delighted. Carrie did not like to go; 
but Teddy Finsworth pressed us so much we consented. Carrie sent Sarah round 
to the butcher's and countermanded our half-leg of mutton, which we had 
ordered for tomorrow.

APRIL 28, SUNDAY. We found Watney Lodge farther off than we anticipated, and 
only arrived as the clock struck two, both feeling hot and uncomfortable. To 
make matters worse, a large collie dog pounced forward to receive us. He 
barked loudly and jumped up at Carrie, covering her light skirt, which she was 
wearing for the first time, with mud. Teddy Finsworth came out and drove the 
dog off and apologised. We were shown into the drawing-room, which was 
beautifully decorated. It was full of knick-knacks, and some plates hung up on 
the wall. There were several little wooden milk-stools with paintings on them; 
also a white wooden banjo, painted by one of Mr Paul Finsworth's nieces -a 
cousin of Teddy's.
Mr Paul Finsworth seemed quite a distinguished-looking elderly gentleman, and 
was most gallant to Carrie. There were a great many water-colours hanging on 
the walls, mostly different views of India, which were very bright. Mr 
Finsworth said they were painted by "Simpz", and added that he was no judge of 
pictures himself but had been informed on good authority that they were worth 
some hundreds of pounds, although he had only paid a few shillings apiece for 
them, frames included, at a sale in the neighbourhood.
There was also a large picture in a very handsome frame, done in coloured 
crayons. It looked like a religious subject. I was very much struck with the 
lace collar, it looked so real, but I unfortunately made the remark that there 
was something about the expression of the face that was not quite pleasing. It 
looked pinched. Mr Finsworth sorrowfully replied: "Yes, the face was done 
after death -my wife's sister."
I felt terribly awkward and bowed apologetically, and in a whisper said I 
hoped I had not hurt his feelings. We both stood looking at the picture for a 
few minutes in silence, when Mr Finsworth took out a handkerchief and said: 
"She was sitting in our garden last summer," and blew his nose violently. He 
seemed quite affected, so I turned to look at something else and stood in 
front of a portrait of a jolly-looking middle-aged gentleman, with a red face 
and straw hat. I said to Mr Finsworth: "Who is this jovial-looking gentleman? 
Life doesn't seem to trouble him much." Mr Finsworth said: "No, it doesn't. He 
is dead too -my brother."
I was absolutely horrified at my own awkwardness. Fortunately at this moment 
Carrie entered with Mrs Finsworth, who had taken her upstairs to take off her 
bonnet and brush her skirt. Teddy said: "Short is late," but at that moment 
the gentleman referred to arrived, and I was introduced to him by Teddy, who 
said: "Do you know Mr Short?" I replied, smiling, that I had not that 
pleasure, but I hoped it would not be long before I knew Mr Short. He 
evidently did not see my little joke, although I repeated it twice with a 
little laugh. I suddenly remembered it was Sunday, and Mr Short was perhaps 
very particular.
In this I was mistaken, for he was not at all particular in several of his 
remarks after dinner. In fact I was so ashamed of one of his observations that 
I took the opportunity to say to Mrs Finsworth that I feared she found Mr 
Short occasionally a little embarrassing. To my surprise she said: "Oh! he is 
privileged you know." I did not know as a matter of fact, and so I bowed 
apologetically. I fail to see why Mr Short should be privileged.
Another thing that annoyed me at dinner was that the collie dog, which jumped 
up at Carrie, was allowed to remain under the dining-room table. It kept 
growling and snapping at my boots every time I moved my foot. Feeling nervous 
rather, I spoke to Mrs Finsworth about the animal, and she remarked: "It is 
only his play." She jumped up and let in a frightfully ugly-looking spaniel 
called Bibbs, which had been scratching at the door. This dog also seemed to 
take a fancy to my boots, and I discovered afterwards that it had licked off 
every bit of blacking from them. I was positively ashamed of being seen in 
them. Mrs Finsworth, who, I must say, is not much of a Job's comforter, said: 
"Oh! we are used to Bibbs doing that to our visitors."
Mr Finsworth had up some fine port, although I question whether it is a good 
thing to take on the top of beer. It made me feel a little sleepy, while it 
had the effect of inducing Mr Short to become "privileged" to rather an 
alarming extent. It being cold even for April, there was a fire in the 
drawing-room; we sat around in easy chairs, and Teddy and I waxed rather 
eloquent over the old school days, which had the effect of sending all the 
others to sleep. I was delighted, as far as Mr Short was concerned, that it 
did have that effect on him.
We stayed till four, and the walk home was remarkable only for the fact that 
several fools giggled at the unpolished state of my boots. Polished them 
myself when I got home. Went to church in the evening, and could scarcely keep 
awake. I will not take port on top of beer again.

APRIL 29. I am getting quite accustomed to being snubbed by Lupin, and I do 
not mind being sat upon by Carrie, because I think she has a certain amount of 
right to do so; but I do think it hard to be at once snubbed by wife, son, and 
both my guests.
Gowing and Cummings had dropped in during the evening, and I suddenly 
remembered an extraordinary dream I had a few nights ago, and I thought I 
would tell them about it. I dreamt I saw some huge blocks of ice in a shop 
with a bright glare behind them. I walked into the shop and the heat was 
overpowering. I found that the blocks of ice were on fire. The whole thing was 
so real and yet so supernatural I woke up in a cold perspiration. Lupin, in a 
most contemptuous manner, said: "What utter rot!"
Before I could reply, Gowing said there was nothing so completely 
uninteresting as other people's dreams.
I appealed to Cummings, but he said he was bound to agree with the others, and 
my dream was especially nonsensical. I said: "It seemed so real to me." Gowing 
replied: "Yes, to you, perhaps, but not to us." Whereupon they all roared.
Carrie, who had hitherto been quiet, said: "He tells me his stupid dreams 
every morning nearly." I replied: "Very well, dear, I promise you I will never 
tell you or anyone else another dream of mine the longest day I live." Lupin 
said: "Hear! hear!" and helped himself to another glass of beer. The subject 
was fortunately changed, and Cummings read a most interesting article on the 
superiority of the bicycle to the horse.


Chapter 20

Dinner at Franchings to meet Mr Hardfur Huttle.

MAY 10. Received a letter from Mr Franching, of Peckham, asking us to dine 
with him tonight, at seven o'clock, to meet Mr Hardfur Huttle, a very clever 
writer for the American papers. Franching apologised for the short notice; but 
said he had at the last moment been disappointed of two of his guests and 
regarded us as old friends who would not mind filling up the gap. Carrie 
rather demurred at the invitation; but I explained to her that Franching was 
very well off and influential, and we could not afford to offend him. "And we 
are sure to get a good dinner and a good glass of champagne." "Which never 
agrees with you!" Carrie replied sharply. I regarded Carrie's observation as 
unsaid. Mr Franching asked us to wire a reply. As he had said nothing about 
dress in the letter, I wired back: "With pleasure. Is it full dress?" and by 
leaving out our name, just got the message within the sixpence.
Got back early to give time to dress, which we received a telegram instructing 
us to do. I wanted Carrie to meet me at Franching's house; but she would not 
do so, so I had to go home to fetch her. What a long journey it is from 
Holloway to Peckham! Why do people live such a long way off? Having to change 
'buses, I allowed plenty of time -in fact, too much; for we arrived at twenty 
minutes to seven, and Franching, so the servant said, had only just gone up to 
dress. However, he was down as the clock struck seven; he must have dressed 
very quickly.
I must say it was quite a distinguished party, and although we did not know 
anybody personally, they all seemed to be quite swells. Franching had got a 
professional waiter, and evidently spared no expense. There were flowers on 
the table round some fairy-lamps, and the effect, I must say, was exquisite. 
The wine was good and there was plenty of champagne, concerning which 
Franching said he, himself, never wished to taste better. We were ten in 
number, and a menu card to each. One lady said she always preserved the menu 
and got the guests to write their names on the back.
We all of us followed her example, except Mr Huttle, who was of course the 
important guest.
The dinner-party consisted of Mr Franching, Mr Hardfur Huttle, Mr and Mrs 
Samuel Hillbutter, Mrs Field, Mr and Mrs Purdick, Mr Pratt, Mr R. Kent, and, 
last, but not least, Mr and Mrs Charles Pooter. Franching said he was sorry he 
had no lady for me to take in to dinner. I replied that I preferred it, which 
I afterwards thought was a very uncomplimentary observation to make.
I sat next to Mrs Field at dinner. She seemed a well-informed lady, but was 
very deaf. It did not much matter, for Mr Hardfur Huttle did all the talking. 
He is a marvellously intellectual man and says things which from other people 
would seem quite alarming. How I wish I could remember even a quarter of his 
brilliant conversation. I made a few little reminding notes on the menu card.
One observation struck me as being absolutely powerful -though not to my way 
of thinking of course. Mrs Purdick happened to say: "You are certainly 
unorthodox, Mr Huttle." Mr Huttle, with a peculiar expression (I can see it 
now) said in a slow, rich voice: "Mrs Purdick, `orthodox' is a grandiloquent 
word implying sticking-in-the-mud. If Columbus and Stephenson had been 
orthodox there would neither have been the discovery of America nor the 
steam-engine." There was quite a silence. It appeared to me that such teaching 
was absolutely dangerous, and yet I felt -in fact we must all have felt -there 
was no answer to the argument. A little later on Mrs Purdick, who is 
Franching's sister and also acted as hostess, rose from the table, and Mr 
Huttle said: "Why, ladies, do you deprive us of your company so soon? Why not 
wait while we have our cigars?"
The effect was electrical. The ladies (including Carrie) were in no way 
inclined to be deprived of Mr Huttle's fascinating society, and immediately 
resumed their seats, amid much laughter and a little chaff. Mr Huttle said: 
"Well, that's a real good sign; you shall not be insulted by being called 
orthodox any longer." Mrs Purdick, who seemed to be a bright and rather sharp 
woman said,: "Mr Huttle, we will meet you half-way -that is, till you get 
half-way through your cigar. That, at all events, will be the happy medium."
I shall never forget the effect the words, "happy medium", had upon him. He 
was brilliant and most daring in his interpretation of the words. He 
positively alarmed me. He said something like the following: "Happy medium, 
indeed. Do you know `happy medium' are two words which mean `miserable 
mediocrity'? I say, go first class or third; marry a duchess or her 
kitchen-maid. The happy medium means respectability, and respectability means 
insipidness. Does it not, Mr Pooter?"
I was so taken aback by being personally appealed to, that I could only bow 
apologetically, and say I feared I was not competent to offer an opinion. 
Carrie was about to say something; but she was interrupted, for which I was 
rather pleased, for she is not clever at argument, and one has to be extra 
clever to discuss a subject with a man like Mr Huttle.
He continued, with an amazing eloquence that made his unwelcome opinions 
positively convincing: "The happy medium is nothing more or less than a vulgar 
half-measure. A man who loves champagne and, finding a pint too little, fears 
to face a whole bottle and has recourse to an imperial pint, will never build 
a Brooklyn Bridge or an Eiffel Tower. No, he is half-hearted, he is a 
half-measure -respectable -in fact, a happy medium, and will spend the rest of 
his days in a suburban villa with a stucco-column portico, resembling a 
four-post bedstead."
We all laughed.
"That sort of thing," continued Mr Huttle, "belongs to a soft man, with a soft 
beard, with a soft head, with a made tie that hooks on."
This seemed rather personal, and twice I caught myself looking in the glass of 
the chiffonier; for I had on a tie that hooked on -and why not? If these 
remarks were not personal they were rather careless, and so were some of his 
subsequent observations, which must have made both Mr Franching and his guests 
rather uncomfortable. I don't think Mr Huttle meant to be personal, for he 
added: "We don't know that class here in this country; but we do in America, 
and I've no use for them."
Franching several times suggested that the wine should be passed round the 
table, which Mr Huttle did not heed; but continued as if he were giving a 
lecture:
"What we want in America is your homes. We live on wheels. Your simple, quiet 
life and home, Mr Franching, are charming. No display, no pretension! You make 
no difference in your dinner, I dare say, when you sit down by yourself and 
when you invite us. You have your own personal attendant -no hired waiter to 
breathe on the back of your head."
I saw Franching palpably wince at this.
Mr. Huttle continued: "Just a small dinner with a few good things, such as you 
have this evening. You don't insult your guests by sending to the grocer for 
champagne at six shillings a bottle."
I could not help thinking of `Jackson Freres' at three-and-six!
"In fact," said Mr Huttle, "a man is little less than a murderer who does. 
That is the province of the milksop, who wastes his evening at home playing 
dominoes with his wife. I've heard of these people. We don't want them at this 
table. Our party is well selected. We've no use for deaf old women, who cannot 
follow intellectual conversation."
All our eyes were turned to Mrs Field, who fortunately, being deaf, did not 
hear his remarks; but continued smiling approval.
"We have no representative at Mr Franching's table," said Mr Huttle, "of the 
unenlightened frivolous matron, who goes to a second-class dance at Bayswater 
and fancies she is in Society. Society does not know her; it has no use for 
her."
Mr Huttle paused for a moment, and the opportunity was afforded for the ladies 
to rise. I asked Mr Franching quietly to excuse me, as I did not wish to miss 
the last train, which we very nearly did, by-the-by, through Carrie having 
mislaid the little cloth cricket-cap which she wears when we go out.
It was very late when Carrie and I got home; but on entering the sitting-room 
I said: "Carrie, what do you think of Mr Hardfur Huttle?" She simply answered: 
"How like Lupin!" The same idea occurred to me in the train. The comparison 
kept me awake half the night. Mr Huttle was, of course, an older and more 
influential man; but he was like Lupin, and it made me think how dangerous 
Lupin would be if he were older and more influential. I feel proud to think 
Lupin does resemble Mr Huttle in some ways. Lupin, like Mr Huttle, has 
original and sometimes wonderful ideas; but it is those ideas that are so 
dangerous. They make men extremely rich or extremely poor. They make or break 
men. I always feel people are happier who live a simple unsophisticated life. 
I believe I am happy because I am not ambitious. Somehow I feel that Lupin, 
since he has been with Mr Perkupp, has become content to settle down and 
follow the footsteps of his father. This is a comfort.


Chapter 21

Lupin is discharged. We are in great trouble. Lupin gets engaged elsewhere at 
a handsome salary.

MAY 13. A terrible misfortune has happened. Lupin is discharged from Mr 
Perkupp's office, and I scarcely know how I am writing my diary. I was away 
from office last Sat., the first time I have been absent through illness for 
twenty years. I believe I was poisoned by some lobster. Mr Perkupp was also 
absent, as Fate would have it; and our most valued customer, Mr Crowbillon, 
went to the office in a rage, and withdrew his custom. My boy Lupin not only 
had the assurance to receive him, but recommended him the firm of Gylterson, 
Sons and Co., Ltd. In my own humble judgement, and though I have to say it 
against my own son, this seems an act of treachery.
This morning I receive a letter from Perkupp, informing me that Lupin's 
services are no longer required, and an interview with me is desired at eleven 
o'clock. I went down to the office with an aching heart, dreading an interview 
with Mr Perkupp, with whom I have never had a word. I saw nothing of Lupin in 
the morning. He had not got up when it was time for me to leave, and Carrie 
said I should do no good by disturbing him. My mind wandered so at the office 
that I could not do my work properly.
As I expected, I was sent for by Mr Perkupp, and the following conversation 
ensued as nearly as I can remember it.
Mr Perkupp said: "Good morning, Mr Pooter! This is a very serious business. I 
am not referring so much to the dismissal of your son, for I knew we should 
have to part sooner or later. I am the head of this old, influential, and 
much-respected firm; and when I consider the time has come to revolutionise 
the business, I will do it myself."
I could see my good master was somewhat affected, and I said: "I hope, sir, 
you do not imagine that I have in any way countenanced my son's unwarrantable 
interference?" Mr Perkupp rose from his seat and took my hand, and said: "Mr 
Pooter, I would as soon suspect myself as suspect you." I was so agitated that 
in the confusion, to show my gratitude, I very nearly called him a "grand old 
man".
Fortunately I checked myself in time, and said he was a "grand old master". I 
was so unaccountable for my actions that I sat down, leaving him standing. Of 
course, I at once rose, but Mr Perkupp bade me sit down, which I was very 
pleased to do. Mr Perkupp, resuming, said: "You will understand, Mr Pooter, 
that the high-standing nature of our firm will not admit of our bending to 
anybody. If Mr Crowbillon chooses to put his work into other hands -I may add, 
less experienced hands -it is not for us to bend and beg back his custom." 
"You shall not do it, sir," I said with indignation. "Exactly," replied Mr 
Perkupp; "I shall not do it. But I was thinking this, Mr Pooter. Mr Crowbillon 
is our most valued client, and I will even confess -for I know this will not 
go beyond ourselves -that we cannot afford very well to lose him, especially 
in these times, which are not of the brightest. Now, I fancy you can be of 
service."
I replied: "Mr Perkupp, I will work day and night to serve you!"
Mr Perkupp said: "I know you will. Now, what I should like you to do is this. 
You yourself might write to Mr Crowbillon -you must not, of course, lead him 
to suppose I know anything about your doing so -and explain to him that your 
son was only taken on as a clerk -quite an inexperienced one in fact -out of 
the respect the firm had for you, Mr Pooter. This is, of course, a fact. I 
don't suggest that you should speak in too strong terms of your son's conduct; 
but I may add, that had he been a son of mine, I should have condemned his 
interference with no measured terms. That I leave to you. I think the result 
will be that Mr Crowbillon will see the force of the foolish step he has 
taken, and our firm will neither suffer in dignity nor in pocket."
I could not help thinking what a noble gentleman Mr Perkupp is. His manners 
and his way of speaking seem to almost thrill one with respect.
I said: "Would you like to see the letter before I send it?" Mr Perkupp said: 
"Oh no! I had better not. I am supposed to know nothing about it, and I have 
every confidence in you. You must write the letter carefully. We are not very 
busy; you had better take the morning tomorrow, or the whole day if you like. 
I shall be here myself all day tomorrow, in fact all the week, in case Mr 
Crowbillon should call."
I went home a little more cheerful, but I left word with Sarah that I could 
not see either Gowing or Cummings, nor in fact anybody, if they called in the 
evening. Lupin came into the parlour for a moment with a new hat on, and asked 
my opinion of it. I said I was not in the mood to judge of hats, and I did not 
think he was in a position to buy a new one. Lupin replied carelessly: "I 
didn't buy it; it was a present."
I have such terrible suspicions of Lupin now that I scarcely like to ask him 
questions, as I dread the answers so. He, however, saved me the trouble.
He said: "I met a friend, an old friend, that I did not quite think a friend 
at the time, but it's all right. As he wisely said, `all is fair in love and 
war', and there was no reason why we should not be friends still. He's a jolly 
good, all-round sort of fellow, and a very different stamp from that inflated 
fool of a Perkupp."
I said; "Hush, Lupin! Do not pray add insult to injury."
Lupin said: "What do you mean by injury? I repeat, I have done no injury. 
Crowbillon is simply tired of a stagnant stick-in-the-mud firm, and made the 
change on his own account. I simply recommended the new firm as a matter of 
biz -good old biz!"
I said quietly: "I don't understand your slang, and at my time of life have no 
desire to learn it; so, Lupin, my boy, let us change the subject. I will, if 
it please you, try and be interested in your new hat adventure."
Lupin said: "Oh! there's nothing much about it, except I have not once seen 
him since his marriage, and he said he was very pleased to see me, and hoped 
we should be friends. I stood a drink to cement the friendship, and he stood 
me a new hat, one of his own."
I said rather wearily: "But you have not told me your old friend's name?"
Lupin said, with affected carelessness: "Oh! didn't I? Well, I will. It was 
Murray Posh."

MAY 14. Lupin came down late, and seeing me at home all the morning, asked the 
reason of it. Carrie and I both agreed it was better to say nothing to him 
about the letter I was writing, so I evaded the question.
Lupin went out, saying he was going to lunch with Murray Posh in the City. I 
said I hoped Mr Posh would provide him with a berth. Lupin went out laughing, 
saying: "I don't mind wearing Posh's one-priced hats, but I am not going to 
sell them." Poor boy, I fear he is perfectly hopeless.
It took me nearly the whole day to write to Mr Crowbillon. Once or twice I 
asked Carrie for suggestions; and although it seems ungrateful, her 
suggestions were none of them to the point, while one or two were absolutely 
idiotic. of course I did not tell her so. I got the letter off, and took it 
down to the office for Mr Perkupp to see, but he again repeated that he could 
trust me.
Gowing called in the evening, and I was obliged to tell him about Lupin and Mr 
Perkupp; and, to my surprise, he was quite inclined to side with Lupin. Carrie 
joined in, and said she thought I was taking much too melancholy a view of it. 
Gowing produced a pint sample-bottle of Madeira, which had been given him, 
which he said would get rid of the blues. I dare say it would have done so if 
there had been more of it; but as Gowing helped himself to three glasses, it 
did not leave much for Carrie and me to get rid of the blues with.

MAY 15. A day of great anxiety, for I expected every moment a letter from Mr 
Crowbillon. Two letters came in the evening -one for me, with `Crowbillon 
Hall' printed in large gold-and-red letters on the back of the envelope; the 
other for Lupin, which I felt inclined to open and read, as it had `Gylterson, 
Sons, and Co. Limited', which was the recommended firm. I trembled as I opened 
Mr Crowbillon's letter. I wrote him sixteen pages, closely written; he wrote 
me less than sixteen lines.
His letter was: "Sir, -I totally disagree with you. Your son, in the course of 
five minutes' conversation, displayed more intelligence than your firm has 
done during the last five years. -Yours faithfully, Gilbert E. Gillam O. 
Crowbillon."
What am I to do? Here is a letter that I dare not show to Mr Perkupp, and 
would not show to Lupin for anything. The crisis had yet to come; for Lupin 
arrived, and, opening his letter, showed a cheque for ú25 as a commission for 
the recommendation of Mr Crowbillon, whose custom to Mr Perkupp is evidently 
lost for ever. Cummings and Gowing both called, and both took Lupin's part. 
Cummings went so far as to say that Lupin would make a name yet. I suppose I 
was melancholy, for I could only ask: "Yes, but what sort of a name?"

MAY 16. I told Mr Perkupp the contents of the letter in a modified form, but 
Mr Perkupp said: "Pray don't discuss the matter; it is at an end. Your son 
will bring his punishment upon himself." I went home in the evening, thinking 
of the hopeless future of Lupin. I found him in most extravagant spirits and 
in evening dress. He threw a letter on the table for me to read.
To my amazement, I read that Gylterson and Sons had absolutely engaged Lupin 
at a salary of ú200 a year, with other advantages. I read the letter through 
three times and thought it must have been for me. But there it was -Lupin 
Pooter -plain enough. I was silent. Lupin said: "What price Perkupp now? You 
take my tip, Guv. -`off' with Perkupp and freeze on to Gylterson, the firm of 
the future! Perkupp's firm? The stagnant dummies have been standing still for 
years, and now are moving back. I want to go on. In fact I must go off, as I 
am dining with the Murray Poshes tonight."
In the exuberance of his spirits he hit his hat with his stick, gave a loud 
war "Whoo-oop," jumped over a chair, and took the liberty of rumpling my hair 
all over my forehead, and bounced out of the room, giving me no chance of 
reminding him of his age and the respect which was due to his parent. Gowing 
and Cummings came in the evening, and positively cheered me up with 
congratulations respecting Lupin.
Gowing said: "I always said he would get on, and, take my word, he has more in 
his head than we three put together."
Carrie said: "He is a second Hardfur Huttle."


Chapter 22

Master Percy Edgar Smith James. Mrs James (of Sutton) visits us again and 
introduces `spiritual seances'.

MAY 26, SUNDAY. We went to Sutton after dinner to have meat-tea with Mr and 
Mrs James. I had no appetite, having dined well at two, and the entire evening 
was spoiled by little Percy -their only son -who seems to me to be an utterly 
spoiled child.
Two or three times he came up to me and deliberately kicked my shins. He hurt 
me once so much that the tears came into my eyes. I gently remonstrated with 
him, and Mrs James said; "Please don't scold him; I do not believe in being 
too severe with young children. You spoil their character."
Little Percy set up a deafening yell here, and when Carrie tried to pacify 
him, he slapped her face.
I was so annoyed, I said: "That is not my idea of bringing up children, Mrs 
James."
Mrs James said: "People have different ideas of bringing up children -even 
your son Lupin is not the standard of perfection."
A Mr Mezzini (an Italian, I fancy) here took Percy in his lap. The child 
wriggled and kicked and broke away from Mr Mezzini, saying: "I don't like you 
-you've got a dirty face."
A very nice gentleman, Mr Birks Spooner, took the child by the wrist and said: 
"Come here, dear, and listen to this."
He detached his chronometer from the chain and made his watch strike six.
To our horror, the child snatched it from his hand and bounced it down upon 
the ground like one would a ball.
Mr Birks Spooner was most amiable, and said he could easily get a new glass 
put in, and did not suppose the works were damaged.
To show you how people's opinions differ, Carrie said the child was 
bad-tempered, but it made up for that defect by its looks, for it was -in her 
mind -an unquestionably beautiful child.
I may be wrong, but I do not think I have seen a much uglier child myself. 
That is my opinion.

MAY 30. I don't know why it is, but I never anticipate with any pleasure the 
visits to our house of Mrs James, of Sutton. She is coming again to stay for a 
few days. I said to Carrie this morning, as I was leaving: "I wish, dear 
Carrie, I could like Mrs James better than I do."
Carrie said: "So do I, dear; but as for years I have had to put up with Mr 
Gowing, who is vulgar, and Mr Cummings, who is kind but most uninteresting, I 
am sure, dear, you won't mind the occasional visits of Mrs James, who has more 
intellect in her little finger than both your friends have in their entire 
bodies."
I was so entirely taken aback by this onslaught on my two dear old friends, I 
could say nothing, and as I heard the 'bus coming, I left with a hurried kiss 
-a little too hurried, perhaps, for my upper lip came in contact with Carrie's 
teeth and slightly cut it. It was quite painful for an hour afterwards. When I 
came home in the evening I found Carrie buried in a book on Spiritualism, 
called There is no Birth, by Florence Singleyet. I need scarcely say the book 
was sent her to read by Mrs James, of Sutton. As she had not a word to say 
outside her book, I spent the rest of the evening altering the stair-carpets, 
which are beginning to show signs of wear at the edges.
Mrs James arrived and, as usual, in the evening took the entire management of 
everything. Finding that she and Carrie were making some preparations for 
table-turning, I thought it time really to put my foot down. I have always had 
the greatest contempt for such nonsense, and put an end to it years ago when 
Carrie, at our old house, used to have seances every night with poor Mrs 
Fussters (who is now dead). If I could see any use in it, I would not care. As 
I stopped it in the days gone by I determined to do so now.
I said: "I am very sorry, Mrs James, but I totally disapprove of it, apart 
from the fact that I receive my old friends on this evening."
Mrs James said: "Do you mean to say you haven't read There is no Birth?" I 
said: "No, and I have no intention of doing so." Mrs James seemed surprised 
and said: "All the world is going mad over the book." I responded rather 
cleverly: "Let it. There will be one sane man in it, at all events."
Mrs James said she thought I was very unkind, and if people were all as 
prejudiced as I was, there would never have been the electric telegraph or the 
telephone.
I said that was quite a different thing.
Mrs James said sharply: "In what way, pray -in what way?"
I said: "In many ways."
Mrs James said: "Well, mention one way."
I replied quietly: "Pardon me, Mrs James; I decline to discuss the matter. I 
am not interested in it."
Sarah at this moment opened the door and showed in Cummings, for which I was 
thankful, for I felt it would put a stop to this foolish table-turning. But I 
was entirely mistaken; for on the subject being opened again, Cummings said he 
was most interested in Spiritualism, although he was bound to confess he did 
not believe much in it; still, he was willing to be convinced.
I firmly declined to take any part in it, with the result that my presence was 
ignored. I left the three sitting in the parlour at a small round table which 
they had taken out of the drawing-room. I walked into the hall with the 
ultimate intention of taking a little stroll. As I opened the door, who should 
come in but Gowing!
On hearing what was going on, he proposed that we should join the circle and 
he would go into a trance. He added that he knew a few things about old 
Cummings, and would invent a few about Mrs James. Knowing how dangerous Gowing 
is, I declined to let him take part in any such foolish performance. Sarah 
asked me if she could go out for half an hour, and I gave her permission, 
thinking it would be more comfortable to sit with Gowing in the kitchen than 
in the cold drawing-room. We talked a good deal about Lupin and Mr and Mrs 
Murray Posh, with whom he is as usual spending the evening. Gowing said: "I 
say, it wouldn't be a bad thing for Lupin if old Posh kicked the bucket."
My heart gave a leap of horror, and I rebuked Gowing very sternly for joking 
on such a subject. I lay awake half the night thinking of it -the other half 
was spent in nightmares on the same subject.

MAY 31. I wrote a stern letter to the laundress. I was rather pleased with the 
letter, for I thought it very satirical. I said: "You have returned the 
handkerchiefs without the colour. Perhaps you will return either the colour or 
the value of the handkerchiefs." I shall be rather curious to know what she 
will have to say.
More table-turning in the evening. Carrie said last night was in a measure 
successful, and they ought to sit again. Cummings came in, and seemed 
interested. I had the gas lighted in the drawing-room, got the steps, and 
repaired the cornice, which has been a bit of an eyesore to me. In a fit of 
unthinkingness -if I may use such an expression -I gave the floor over the 
parlour, where the seance was taking place, two loud raps with the hammer. I 
felt sorry afterwards, for it was the sort of ridiculous, foolhardy thing that 
Gowing or Lupin would have done.
However, they never even referred to it, but Carrie declared that a message 
came through the table to her of a wonderful description, concerning someone 
whom she and I knew years ago, and who was quite unknown to the others. When 
we went to bed, Carrie asked me as a favour to sit tomorrow night, to oblige 
her. She said it seemed rather unkind and unsociable on my part. I promised I 
would sit once.

JUNE 1. I sat reluctantly at the table in the evening, and I am bound to admit 
some curious things happened. I contend they were coincidences, but they were 
curious. For instance, the table kept tilting towards me, which Carrie 
construed as a desire that I should ask the spirit a question. I obeyed the 
rules, and I asked the spirit (who said her name was Lina) if she could tell 
me the name of an old aunt of whom I was thinking, and whom we used to call 
Aunt Maggie. The table spelled out CAT. We could make nothing out of it, till 
I suddenly remembered that her second name was Catherine, which it was 
evidently trying to spell. I don't think even Carrie knew this. But if she 
did, she would never cheat. I must admit it was curious. Several other things 
happened, and I consented to sit at another seance on Monday.

JUNE 3. The laundress called, and said she was very sorry about the 
handkerchiefs, and returned ninepence. I said, as the colour was completely 
washed out and the handkerchiefs quite spoiled, ninepence was not enough. 
Carrie replied that the two handkerchiefs originally only cost sixpence, for 
she remembered buying them at a sale at the Holloway Bon Marche. In that case, 
I insisted that threepence should be returned to the laundress. Lupin has gone 
to stay with the Poshes for a few days. I must say I feel very uncomfortable 
about it. Carrie said I was ridiculous to worry about it. Mr Posh was very 
fond of Lupin, who, after all, was only a mere boy.
In the evening we had another seance, which, in some respects was very 
remarkable, although the first part of it was a little doubtful. Gowing 
called, as well as Cummings, and begged to be allowed to join the circle. I 
wanted to object, but Mrs James, who appears a good Medium(that is, if there 
is anything in it at all), thought there might be a little more spirit power 
if Gowing joined; so the five of us sat down.
The moment I turned out the gas, and almost before I could get my hands on the 
table, it rocked violently and tilted, and began moving quickly across the 
room. Gowing shouted out: "Way, oh! steady, lad, steady!" I told Gowing if he 
could not behave himself I should light the gas, and put an end to the seance. 
To tell the truth, I thought Gowing was playing tricks, and I hinted as much; 
but Mrs James said she had often seen the table go right off the ground. The 
spirit `Lina' came again, and said `WARN' three or four times, and declined to 
explain. Mrs James said `Lina' was stubborn sometimes. She often behaved like 
that, and the best thing to do was to send her away.
She then hit the table sharply, and said: "Go away, Lina; you are 
disagreeable. Go away!" I should think we sat nearly three-quarters of an hour 
with nothing happening. My hands felt quite cold, and I suggested we should 
stop the seance. Carrie and Mrs James, as well as Cummings, would not agree to 
it. In about ten minutes' time there was some tilting towards me. I gave the 
alphabet, and it spelled out `SPOOF'. As I have heard both Gowing and Lupin 
use the word, and as I could hear Gowing silently laughing, I directly accused 
him of pushing the table. He denied it; but I regret to say, I did not believe 
him.
Gowing said: "Perhaps it means `Spook', a ghost."
I said: "You know it doesn't mean anything of the sort."
Gowing said: "Oh! very well -I'm sorry I `spook'," and rose from the table.
No one took any notice of the stupid joke, and Mrs James suggested he should 
sit out for a while. Gowing consented and sat in the arm-chair.
The table began to move again, and we might have had a wonderful seance but 
for Gowing's stupid interruptions. In answer to the alphabet from Carrie the 
table spelt `NIPUL', then the `WARN' three times. We could not think what it 
meant till Cummings pointed out that `NIPUL' was Lupin spelled backwards. This 
was quite exciting. Carrie was particularly excited, and said she hoped 
nothing horrible was going to happen.
Mrs James asked if `Lina' was the spirit. The table replied firmly, "No," and 
the spirit would not give his or her name. We then had the message, `NIPUL 
will be very rich.'
Carrie said she felt quite relieved, but the word `WARN' was again spelt out. 
The table then began to oscillate violently, and in reply to Mrs James, who 
spoke very softly to the table, the spirit began to spell its name. It first 
spelled `DRINK.'
Gowing here said: "Ah! that's more in my line."
I asked him to be quiet as the name might not be completed.
The table then spelt `WATER.'
Gowing here interrupted again, and said: "Ah! that's not in my line. Outside 
if you like, but not inside."
Carrie appealed to him to be quiet.
The table then spelt `CAPTAIN', and Mrs James startled us by crying out, 
"Captain Drinkwater, a very old friend of my father's, who has been dead some 
years."
This was more interesting, and I could not help thinking that after all there 
must be something in Spiritualism.
Mrs James asked the spirit to interpret the meaning of the word `Warn' as 
applied to `NIPUL'. The alphabet was given again, and we got the word `BOSH'.
Gowing here muttered: "So it is."
Mrs James said she did not think the spirit meant that, as Captain Drinkwater 
was a perfect gentleman, and would never have used the word in answer to a 
lady's question. Accordingly the alphabet was given again.
This time the table spelled distinctly `POSH'. We all thought of Mrs Murray 
Posh and Lupin. Carrie was getting a little distressed, and as it was getting 
late we broke up the circle.
We arranged to have one more tomorrow, as it will be Mrs James's last night in 
town. We also determined not to have Gowing present.
Cummings, before leaving, said it was certainly interesting, but he wished the 
spirits would say something about him.

JUNE 4. Quite looking forward to the seance this evening. Was thinking of it 
all day at the office.
Just as we sat down at the table we were annoyed by Gowing entering without 
knocking.
He said: "I am not going to stop, but I have brought with me a sealed 
envelope, which I know I can trust with Mrs Pooter. In that sealed envelope is 
a strip of paper on which I have asked a simple question. If the spirits can 
answer that question, I will believe in Spiritualism."
I ventured the expression that it might be impossible.
Mrs James said: "Oh no! it is of common occurrence for the spirits to answer 
questions under such conditions -and even for them to write on locked slates. 
It is quite worth trying. If `Lina' is in a good temper, she is certain to do 
it."
Gowing said: "All right; then I shall be a firm believer. I shall perhaps drop 
in about half-past nine or ten, and hear the result."
He then left and we sat a long time. Cummings wanted to know something about 
some undertaking in which he was concerned, but he could get no answer of any 
description whatever -at which he said he was very disappointed and was afraid 
there was not much in table-turning after all. I thought this rather selfish 
of him. The seance was very similar to the one last night, almost the same in 
fact. So we turned to the letter. `Lina' took a long time answering the 
question, but eventually spelt out `ROSES, LILIES, AND COWS'. There was a 
great rocking of the table at this time, and Mrs James said: "If that is 
Captain Drinkwater, let us ask him the answer as well."
It was the spirit of the Captain, and most singular, he gave the same 
identical answer: `ROSES, LILIES, AND COWS'.
I cannot describe the agitation with which Carrie broke the seal, or the 
disappointment we felt on reading the question, to which the answer was so 
inappropriate. The question was, "What's old Pooter's age?"
This quite decided me.
As I had put my foot down on Spiritualism years ago, so I would again.
I am pretty easy-going as a rule, but I can be extremely firm when driven to it.
I said slowly, as I turned up the gas: "This is the last of this nonsense that 
shall ever take place under my roof. I regret I permitted myself to be a party 
to such tomfoolery. If there is anything in it -which I doubt -it is nothing 
of any good, and I won't have it again. That is enough."
Mrs James said: "I think, Mr Pooter, you are rather over-stepping -"
I said: "Hush, madam. I am master of this house -please understand that."
Mrs James made an observation which I sincerely hope I was mistaken in. I was 
in such a rage I could not quite catch what she said. But if I thought she 
said what it sounded like, she should never enter the house again.


Chapter 23

Lupin leaves us. We dine at his new apartments, and hear some extraordinary 
information respecting the wealth of Mr Murray Posh. Meet Miss Lilian Posh. Am 
sent for by Mr Hardfur Huttle. Important.

JULY 1. I find, on looking over my diary, nothing of any consequence has taken 
place during the last month. Today we lose Lupin, who has taken furnished 
apartments at Bayswater, near his friends, Mr and Mrs Murray Posh, at two 
guineas a week. I think this is most extravagant of him, as it is half his 
salary. Lupin says one never loses by a good address, and, to use his own 
expression, Brickfield Terrace is a bit "off". Whether he means it is "far 
off" I do not know. I have long since given up trying to understand his 
curious expressions. I said the neighbourhood had always been good enough for 
his parents. His reply was: "It is no question of being good or bad. There is 
no money in it, and I am not going to rot away my life in the suburbs."
We are sorry to lose him, but perhaps he will get on better by himself, and 
there may be some truth in his remark that an old and a young horse can't pull 
together in the same cart.
Gowing called, and said that the house seemed quite peaceful, and like old 
times. He liked Master Lupin very well, but he occasionally suffered from what 
he could not help -youth.

JULY 2. Cummings called, looked very pale, and said he had been very ill 
again, and of course not a single friend had been near him. Carrie said she 
had never heard of it, whereupon he threw down a copy of the Bicycle News on 
the table, with the following paragraph: "We regret to hear that that 
favourite old roadster, Mr Cummings (`Long' Cummings), has met with what might 
have been a serious accident in Rye Lane. A mischievous boy threw a stick 
between the spokes of one of the back wheels, and the machine overturned, 
bringing our brother tricyclist heavily to the ground. Fortunately he was more 
frightened than hurt, but we missed his merry face at the dinner at Chingford, 
where they turned up in good numbers. `Long' Cummings' health was proposed by 
our popular Vice, Mr Westropp, the prince of bicyclists, who in his happiest 
vein said it was a case of `Cumming(s) thro' the Rye, but fortunately there 
was more wheel than woe', a joke which created roars of laughter."
We all said we were very sorry, and pressed Cummings to stay to supper. 
Cummings said it was like old times being without Lupin, and he was much 
better away.

JULY 3, SUNDAY. In the afternoon, as I was looking out of the parlour window, 
which was open, a grand trap, driven by a lady, with a gentleman seated by the 
side of her, stopped at our door. Not wishing to be seen, I withdrew my head 
very quickly, knocking the back of it violently against the sharp edge of the 
window-sash. I was nearly stunned. There was a loud double-knock at the front 
door; Carrie rushed out of the parlour, upstairs to her room, and I followed, 
as Carrie thought it was Mr Perkupp. I thought it was Mr Franching. I 
whispered to Sarah over the banisters: "Show them into the drawing-room." 
Sarah said, as the shutters were not opened, the room would smell musty. There 
was another loud rat-tat. I whispered: "Then show them into the parlour, and 
say Mr Pooter will be down directly." I changed my coat, but could not see to 
do my hair, as Carrie was occupying the glass.
Sarah came up, and said it was Mrs Murray Posh and Mr Lupin.
This was quite a relief. I went down with Carrie, and Lupin met me with the 
remark: "I say, what did you run away from the window for? Did we frighten you?"
I foolishly said: "What window?"
Lupin said: "Oh, you know. Shut it. You looked as if you were playing at Punch 
and Judy."
On Carrie asking if she could offer them anything, Lupin said: "Oh, I think 
Daisy will take on a cup of tea. I can do with a B. and S."
I said: "I am afraid we have no soda."
Lupin said: "Don't bother about that. You just trip out and hold the horse; I 
don't think Sarah understands it."
They stayed a very short time, and as they were leaving, Lupin said: "I want 
you both to come and dine with me next Wednesday, and see my new place. Mr and 
Mrs Murray Posh, and Miss Posh (Murray's sister) are coming. Eight o'clock 
sharp. No one else."
I said we did not pretend to be fashionable people, and would like the dinner 
earlier, as it made it so late before we got home.
Lupin said: "Rats! You must get used to it. If it comes to that, Daisy and I 
can drive you home."
We promised to go; but I must say in my simple mind the familiar way in which 
Mrs Posh and Lupin addressed each other is reprehensible. Anybody would think 
they had been children together. I certainly should object to a six months' 
acquaintance calling my wife `Carrie', and driving out with her.

JULY 4. Lupin's rooms looked very nice; but the dinner was, I thought, a 
little too grand, especially as he commenced with champagne straight off. I 
also think Lupin might have told us that he and Mr and Mrs Murray Posh and 
Miss Posh were going to put on full evening dress. Knowing that the dinner was 
only for us six, we never dreamed it would be a full dress affair. I had no 
appetite. It was quite twenty minutes past eight before we sat down to dinner. 
At six I could have eaten a hearty meal. I had a bit of bread-and-butter at 
that hour, feeling famished, and I expect that partly spoiled my appetite.
We were introduced to Miss Posh, whom Lupin called "Lillie Girl", as if he had 
known her all his life. She was very tall, rather plain, and I thought she was 
a little painted round the eyes. I hope I am wrong; but she had such fair 
hair, and yet her eyebrows were black. She looked about thirty. I did not like 
the way she kept giggling and giving Lupin smacks and pinching him. Then her 
laugh was a sort of a scream that went right through my ears, all the more 
irritating because there was nothing to laugh at. In fact, Carrie and I were 
not at all prepossessed with her. They all smoked cigarettes after dinner, 
including Miss Posh, who startled Carrie by saying: "Don't you smoke, dear?" I 
answered for Carrie, and said: "Mrs Charles Pooter has not arrived at it yet," 
whereupon Miss Posh gave one of her piercing laughs again.
Mrs Posh sang a dozen songs at least, and I can only repeat what I have said 
before -she does not sing in tune; but Lupin sat by the side of the piano, 
gazing into her eyes the whole time. If I had been Mr Posh, I think I should 
have had something to say about it. Mr Posh made himself very agreeable to us, 
and eventually sent us home in his carriage, which I thought most kind. He is 
evidently very rich, for Mrs Posh had on some beautiful jewellery. She told 
Carrie her necklace, which her husband gave her as a birthday present, alone 
cost ú300.
Mr Posh said he had a great belief in Lupin, and thought he would make rapid 
way in the world.
I could not help thinking of the ú600 Mr Posh lost over the Parachikka 
Chlorates through Lupin's advice.
During the evening I had an opportunity to speak to Lupin, and expressed a 
hope that Mr Posh was not living beyond his means.
Lupin sneered, and said Mr Posh was worth thousands. `Posh's one-price-hat' 
was a household word in Birmingham, Manchester, Liverpool, and all the big 
towns throughout England. Lupin further informed me that Mr Posh was opening 
branch establishments at New York, Sydney, and Melbourne, and was negotiating 
for Kimberley and Johannesburg.
I said I was pleased to hear it.
Lupin said: "Why, he has settled over ú10,000 on Daisy, and the same amount on 
`Lillie Girl'. If at any time I wanted a little capital, he would put up a 
couple of `thou' at a day's notice, and could buy up Perkupp's firm over his 
head at any moment with ready cash."
On the way home in the carriage, for the first time in my life, I was inclined 
to indulge in the radical thought that money was not properly divided.
On arriving home at a quarter-past eleven, we found a hansom cab, which had 
been waiting for me for two hours with a letter. Sarah said she did not know 
what to do, as we had not left the address where we had gone. I trembled as I 
opened the letter, fearing it was some bad news about Mr Perkupp. The note 
was: "Dear Mr Pooter, -Come down to the Victoria Hotel without delay. 
Important. Yours truly, Hardfur Huttle."
I asked the cabman if it was too late. The cabman replied that it was not; for 
his instructions were, if I happened to be out, he was to wait till I came 
home. I felt very tired, and really wanted to go to bed. I reached the hotel 
at a quarter before midnight. I apologised for being so late, but Mr Huttle 
said: "Not at all; come and have a few oysters." I feel my heart beating as I 
write these words. To be brief, Mr Huttle said he had a rich American friend 
who wanted to do something large in our line of business, and that Mr 
Franching had mentioned my name to him. We talked over the matter. If, by any 
happy chance, the result be successful, I can more than compensate my dear 
master for the loss of Mr Crowbillon's custom. Mr Huttle had previously said: 
"The glorious `Fourth' is a lucky day for America, and, as it has not yet 
struck twelve, we will celebrate it with a glass of the best wine to be had in 
the place, and drink good luck to our bit of business."
I fervently hope it will bring good luck to us all.
It was two o'clock when I got home. Although I was so tired, I could not sleep 
except for short intervals -then only to dream.
I kept dreaming of Mr Perkupp and Mr Huttle. The latter was in a lovely palace 
with a crown on. Mr Perkupp was waiting in the room. Mr Huttle kept taking off 
his crown and handing it to me, and calling me "President".
He appeared to take no notice of Mr Perkupp, and I kept asking Mr Huttle to 
give the crown to my worthy master. Mr Huttle kept saying: "No, this is the 
White House of Washington, and you must keep your crown, Mr President."
We all laughed long and very loudly, till I got parched, and then I woke up. I 
fell asleep, only to dream the same thing over and over again.


Chapter the Last

One of the happiest days of my life.

JULY 10. The excitement and anxiety through which I have gone the last few 
days have been almost enough to turn my hair grey. It is all but settled. 
Tomorrow the die will be cast. I have written a long letter to Lupin -feeling 
it my duty to do so, -regarding his attention to Mrs Posh, for they drove up 
to our house again last night.

JULY 11. I find my eyes filling with tears as I pen the note of my interview 
this morning with Mr Perkupp. Addressing me, he said: "My faithful servant, I 
will not dwell on the important service you have done our firm. You can never 
be sufficiently thanked. Let us change the subject. Do you like your house, 
and are you happy where you are?"
I replied: "Yes, sir; I love my house and I love the neighbourhood, and could 
not bear to leave it."
Mr Perkupp, to my surprise, said: "Mr Pooter, I will purchase the freehold of 
that house, and present it to the most honest and most worthy man it has ever 
been my lot to meet."
He shook my hand, and said he hoped my wife and I would be spared many years 
to enjoy it. My heart was too full to thank him; and, seeing my embarrassment, 
the good fellow said: "You need say nothing, Mr Pooter," and left the office.
I sent telegrams to Carrie, Gowing, and Cummings (a thing I have never done 
before), and asked the two latter to come round to supper.
On arriving home I found Carrie crying with joy, and I sent Sarah round to the 
grocer's to get two bottles of `Jackson Freres'.
My two dear friends came in the evening, and the last post brought a letter 
from Lupin in reply to mine. I read it aloud to them all. It ran: "My dear old 
Guv., -Keep your hair on. You are on the wrong tack again. I am engaged to be 
married to `Lillie Girl'. I did not mention it last Thursday, as it was not 
definitely settled. We shall be married in August, and amongst our guests we 
hope to see your old friends Gowing and Cummings. With much love to all, from 
The same old Lupin."