EVERY MAN IN HIS HUMOUR


By Ben Jonson


Dramatis Personae

KNO'WELL, an old gentleman
ED. KNO'WELL, his son
Brainworm	, the father's man
Master STEPHEN, a country gull
George DOWNRIGHT, a plain squire
WELLBRED, hsi half-brother
Justice CLEMENT, an old merry magistrate
Roger FORMAL, his clerk
Thomas KITELY, a merchant
DAME KITELY, his wife
Mistress BRIDGET, his sister
Master MATTHEW, the town gull
Thomas CASH, Kitely's man
Oliver COB, a water-bearer
TIB, his wife
Captain BOBADILL, a Paul's man

Servants, etc.

Scene: London




Prologue

Though need make many Poets, and some such
As art, and nature have not bettered much;
Yet ours, for want, hath not so loved the stage,
As he dare serve th' ill customs of the age:
Or purchase your delight at such a rate,
As, for it, he himself must justly hate.
To make a child, now swaddled, to proceed
Man, and then shoot up, in one beard, and weed,
Past threescore years: or, with three rusty swords
And help of some few foot-and-half-foot words,
Fight over York and Lancaster's long jars:
And in the tiring-house bring wounds to scars.
He rather prays you will be pleased to see
One such, today, as other plays should be.
Where neither Chorus wafts you o'er the seas;
Nor creaking throne comes down, the boys to please;
Nor nimble squib is seen, to make afeared
The gentlewomen; nor rolled bullet heard
To say, it thunders; nor tempestuous drum
Rumbles, to tell you when the storm doth come;
But deeds, and language, such as men do use:
And persons, such as Comedy would choose,
When she would show an image of the times,
And sport with human follies, not with crimes.
Except, we make 'hem such by loving still
Our popular errors, when we know they're ill.
I mean such errors as you'll all confess
By laughing at them, - they deserve no less:
Which when you heartily do, there's hope left, then,
You, that have so graced monsters, may like men.



Act 1

Scene 1: A plot before Kno'well's house

Enter KNO'WELL

Kno'well	A goodly day toward! And a fresh morning!
Brainworm!

Enter BRAINWORM.

Call up your young master: bid him rise, sir.
Tell him, I have some business to employ him.

Brainworm	I will sir, presently.

Kno'well	But hear you, sirrah,
If he be' at his book, disturb him not.

Brainworm	Well sir.

Exit BRAINWORM

Kno'well	How happy, yet, should I esteem myself
Could I, by any practice, wean the boy
From one vain course of study he affects.
He is a scholar, if a man may trust
The liberal voice of fame in her report,
Of good account in both our universities,
Either of which hath favoured him with graces:
But their indulgence must not spring in me
A fond opinion that he cannot err.
Myself was once a student; and, indeed,
Fed with the self-same humour he is now,
Dreaming on nought but idle poetry,
That fruitless and unprofitable art
Good unto none, but least to the professors,
Which, then, I thought the mistress of all knowledge:
But since, time and the truth have waked my judgement,
And reason taught me better to distinguish
The vain from th' useful learnings.

Enter MASTER STEPHEN

Cousin Stephen!
What news with you, that you are here so early?

Stephen	Nothing, but e'en come to see how you do, uncle.

Kno'well	That's kindly done, you are welcome, coz.

Stephen	Ay, I know that sir, I would not ha' come else. How do my cousin 
Edward, uncle?

Kno'well	Oh, well coz, go in and see: I doubt he be scarce stirring yet.

Stephen	Uncle, afore I go in, can you tell me, an' he have e'er a book of 
the sciences of hawking and hunting? I would fain borrow it.

Kno'well	Why, I hope you will not a hawking now, will you?

Stephen	No wusse; but I'll practise against next year uncle: I have bought 
me a hawk, and a hood, and bells, and all; I lack nothing but a book to 
keep it by.

Kno'well	Oh, most ridiculous.

Stephen	Nay, look you now, you are angry, uncle: why you know, an' a man 
have not skill in the hawking and hunting languages nowadays, I'll not give 
a rush for him. They are more studied than the Greek or the Latin. He is 
for no gallants' company without 'hem. And by gad's lid, I scorn it, aye, 
so I do, to be a consort for every hum-drum; hang 'hem scroyles, there's 
nothing in 'hem, i' the world. What do you talk on it? Because I dwell at 
Hogsden, I shall keep company with none but the archers of Finsbury? Or the 
citizens that come a ducking to Islington ponds? A fine jest i' faith! 
'Slid, a gentleman mun show himself like a gentleman. Uncle, I pray you be 
not angry. I know what I have to do, I trow, I am no novice.

Kno'well	You are a prodigal absurd coxcomb: go to.
Nay, never look at me, it's I that speak.
Take't as you will sir, I'll not flatter you.
Ha' you not yet found means enow to waste
That which your friends have left you, but you must
Go cast away your money on a kite,
And know not how to keep it, when you ha' done?
Oh it's comely! This will make you a gentleman!
Well, cousin, well! I see you are e'en past hope
Of all reclaim. Aye, so, now you are told on it,
You look another way.

Stephen	What would you ha me do?

Kno'well	What would I have you do? I'll tell you kinsman:
Learn to be wise, and practise how to thrive -
That would I have you do: and not to spend
Your coin on every bauble that you fancy,
Or every foolish brain that humours you.
I would not have you to invade each place,
Nor thrust yourself on all societies,
Till men's affections, or your own desert,
Should worthily invite you to your rank.
He that is so respectless in his courses
Oft sells his reputation at cheap market.
Nor would I you should melt away yourself
In flashing bravery, lest while you affect
To make a blaze of gentry to the world,
A little puff of scorn extinguish it,
And you be left, like an unsavoury snuff,
Whose property is only to offend.
I'd ha' you sober, and contain yourself;
Not, that your sail be bigger than your boat:
But moderate your expenses now, at first,
As you may keep the same proportion still.
Nor, stand so much on your gentility,
Which is an airy and mere borrowed thing,
From dead men's dust and bones, and none of yours
Except you make or hold it. Who comes here?

Enter a SERVANT

Servant	Save you, gentlemen.

Stephen	Nay, we do' not stand much on our gentility, friend; yet, you are 
welcome, and I assure you, mine uncle here is a man of a thousand a year 
Middlesex land: he has but one son in all the world;I am his next heir, at 
the common law, Master Stephen, as simple as I stand here. If my cousin die 
- as there's hope he will - I have a pretty living o' my own too, beside, 
hard by here.

Servant	In good time, sir.

Stephen	In good time, sir? Why! And in very good time, sir. You do not 
flout, friend, do you?

Servant	Not I, sir.

Stephen	Not you, sir? You were not best, sir; an' you should, here be them 
can perceive it, and that quickly too: go to. And they can give it again 
soundly too, and need be.

Servant	Why, sir, let this satisfy you: good faith, I had no such intent.

Stephen	Sir, an' I thought you had, I would talk with you, and that 
presently.

Servant	Good Master Stephen, so you may, sir, at your pleasure.

Stephen	And so I would, sir, good my saucy companion! An' you were not o' 
mine uncle's ground, I can tell you; though I do not stand upon my 
gentility neither in't.

Kno'well	Cousin! cousin! Will this ne'er be left?

Stephen	Whoreson base fellow! A mechanical serving-man! By this cudgel, 
and't were not for shame, I would -

Kno'well	What would you do, you peremptory gull?
If you cannot be quiet, get you hence.
You see, the honest man demeans himself
Modestly to'ards you, giving no reply
To your unseasoned, quarrelling, rude fashion:
And still you huff it with a kind of carriage
As void of wit as of humanity.
Go, get you in; fore heaven, I am ashamed
Thou hast a kinsman's interest in me.

Exit STEPHEN

Servant	I pray you, sir. Is this Master Kno'well's house?

Kno'well	Yes, marry, it is, sir.

Servant	I should enquire for a gentleman, here, one Master Edward Kno'well: 
do you know any such, sir, I pray you?

Kno'well	I should forget myself else, sir.

Servant	Are you the gentleman? Cry you mercy, sir: I was required by a 
gentleman i' the city, as I rode out at this end o' the town, to deliver 
you this letter, sir.

Kno'well	To me, sir! What do you mean? Pray you remember your court'sy.

[Reads]
'To his most selected friend, Master Edward Kno'well.'

What might the gentleman's name be, sir. that sent it? Nay, pray you be 
covered.

Servant	One Master Wellbred, sir.

Kno'well	Master Wellbred! A young gentleman? Is he not?

Servant	The same sir, Master Kitely married his sister: the rich merchant 
i' the Old Jewry.

Kno'well	You say very true. Brainworm!

Enter BRAINWORM
Brainworm	Sir.

Kno'well	Make this honest friend drink here: pray you, go in.

Exeunt BRAINWORM and SERVANT

This letter is directed to my son:
Yet I am Edward Kno'well too, and may,
With the safe conscience of good manners, use
The fellow's error to my satisfaction.
Well, I will break it ope - old men are curious -
Be it but for the style's sake, and the phrase,
To see if both do answer my son's praises,
Who is, almost, grown the idolater
Of this young Wellbred: what have we here? What's this?

Reads the letter

'Why, Ned, I beseech thee; has thou forsworn all thy friends i' the Old 
Jewry? Or dost thou think us all Jews that inhabit there, yet? If thou 
dost, come over, and but see our frippery: change an old shirt for a whole 
smock with us. Do not conceive that antipathy between us and Hogsden; as 
was between Jews and hogs-flesh. Leave thy vigilant father alone to number 
over his green apricots, evening, and morning, o' the north-west wall: an' 
I had been his son, I had saved him the labour, long since, if taking in 
all the young wenches that pass by at the back-door, and coddling every 
kernel of the fruit for 'hem, would ha' served. But, pr'ythee, come over to 
me, quickly, this morning: I have such a present for thee (our Turkey 
company never sent the like to the Grand Signior). One is a rhymer sir, o' 
your own batch, your own leaven; but doth think himself Poet-major o' the 
town: willing to be shown, and worthy to be seen. The other - I will not 
venture his description with you, till you come, because I would ha' you 
make hither with an appetite. If the worst of 'hem be not worth your 
journey, draw your bill of charges, as unconscionable, as any Guildhall 
verdict will give it you, and you shall be allowed your viaticum.
From the Windmill.'

From the Bordello, it might come as well;
The Spittle, or Pict-hatch. Is this the man,
My son hath sung so, for the happiest wit,
The choicest brain, the times hath sent us forth?
I know not what he may be, in the arts;
Nor what in schools: but surely, for his manners
I judge him a profane and dissolute wretch:
Worse, by possession of such great good gifts,
Being the master of so loose a spirit.
Why, what unhallowed ruffian would have writ
In such a scurrilous manner to a friend!
Why should he think I tell my Apricots?
Or play th' Hesperian Dragon with my fruit,
To watch it? Well, my son, I had thought
You'd had more judgement t'have made election
Of your companions, than t' have ta'en on trust
Such petulant, jeering gamesters, that can spare
No argument or subject from their jest.
But I perceive affection makes a fool
Of any man too much the father. Brainworm!

Enter BRAINWORM
Brainworm	Sir.

Kno'well	Is the fellow gone that brought this letter?

Brainworm	Yes, sir, a pretty while since.

Kno'well	And where's your young master?

Brainworm	In his chamber sir.

Kno'well	He spake not with the fellow, did he?

Brainworm	No sir, he saw him not.

Kno'well	Take you this letter, and deliver it my son, but with no notice 
that I have opened it, on your life.

Brainworm	Oh lord, sir, that were a jest, indeed!

Exit BRAINWORM

Kno'well	I am resolved, I will not stop his journey,
Nor practise any violent mean to stay
The unbridled course of youth in him; for that,
Restrained, grows more impatient; and, in kind,
Like to the eager but the generous greyhound,
Who ne'er so little from his game withheld,
Turns head and leaps up at his holder's throat.
There is a way of winning, more by love,
And urging of the modesty, than fear:
Force works on servile natures, not the free.
He that's compelled to goodness may be good;
But 'tis but for that fit: where others drawn
By softness and example get a habit.
Then, if they stray, but warn 'hem: and, the same
They should for virtue' have done, they'll do for shame.

Exit


Scene 2: A room in Kno'well's house

Enter ED. KNO'WELL, BRAINWORM

Ed. Kno'well	Did he open it, sayest thou?

Brainworm	Yes, o' my word sir, and read the contents.

Ed. Kno'well	That scarce contents me. What countenance, pr'ythee, made he 
i' the reading of it? Was he angy or pleased?

Brainworm	Nay, sir, I saw him not read it, nor open it, I assure your 
worship.

Ed. Kno'well	No? How know'st thou, then, that he did either?

Brainworm	Marry sir, because he charged me, on my life, to tell nobody that 
he opened it: which, unless he had done, he would never fear to have it 
revealed.

Ed. Kno'well	That's true: well I thank thee, Brainworm.

Moves to window to read letter
Enter MASTER STEPHEN

Stephen	Oh, Brainworm, did'st thou not see a fellow here in a what-sha'-
call-him doublet? He brought mine uncle a letter e'en now.

Brainworm	Yes, Master Stephen, what of him?

Stephen	Oh, I ha' such a mind to beat him - Where is he? Canst thou tell?

Brainworm	Faith, he is not of that mind: he is gone, Master Stephen.

Stephen	Gone? Which way? When went he? How long since?

Brainworm	He is rid hence. He took horse at the street door.

Stephen	And I stayed i' the fields! Whoreson scanderbag rogue! Oh that I 
had a horse to fetch him back again.

Brainworm	Why, you may ha' my master's gelding, to save your longing, sir.

Stephen	But I ha' no boots, that's the spite on't.

Brainworm	Why, a fine wisp of hay, rolled hard, Master Stephen.

Stephen	No faith, it's no boot to follow him, now: let him e'en go, and 
hang. Pray thee, help to truss me, a little. He does so vex me -

Brainworm	You'll be worse vexed when you are trussed, Master Stephen. Best 
keep unbraced, and walk yourself, till you be cold: your choler may founder 
you else.

Stephen	By my faith, and so I will, now thou tell'st me on't: how dost thou 
like my leg, Brainworm?

Brainworm	A very good leg, Master Stephen! But the woollen stocking does 
not commend it so well.

Stephen	Foh, the stockings be good enough, now summer is coming on, for the 
dust: I'll have a pair of silk again winter, that I go to dwell i' the 
town. I think my leg would show in a silk-hose.

Brainworm	Believe me, Master Stephen, rarely well.

Stephen	In sadness, I think it would: I have a reasonable good leg.

Brainworm	You have an excellent good leg, Master Stephen, but I cannot stay 
to praise it longer now, and I am very sorry for't.

Exit

Stephen	Another time will serve, Brainworm. Gramercy for this.

Ed. Kno'well	Ha, ha, ha!

ED. KNO'WELL laughs having read the letter

Stephen	'Slid, I hope, he laughs not at me, and he do -

Ed. Kno'well	Here was a letter, indeed, to be intercepted by a man's 
father, and do him good with him! He cannot but think most virtuously both 
of me and the sender, sure, that make the careful costermonger of him in 
our 'familiar Epistles'. Well, if he read this with patience, I'll be gelt, 
and troll ballads for Master John Trundle, yonder, the rest of my 
mortality. It is true, and likely, my father may have as much patience as 
another man; for he takes very much physic: and oft taking physic makes a 
man very patient. But would your packet, Master Wellbred, had arrived at 
him in such a minute of his patience; then we had known the end of it, 
which now is doubtful, and threatens - What! My wise cousin! [Aside] Nay, 
then, I'll furnish our feast with one gull more to'ard the mess. He writes 
to me of a brace, and here's one, that's three: Oh for a fourth; Fortune, 
if ever thou'lt use thine eyes, I entreat thee -

Stephen	[Aside] Oh, now I see, who he laughed at. He laughed at somebody in 
that letter. By this good light, and he had laughed at me -

Ed. Kno'well	How now, cousin Stephen, melancholy?

Stephen	Yes, a little. I thought, you had laughed at me, cousin.

Ed. Kno'well	Why, what an' I had coz, what would you ha' done?

Stephen	By this light, I would ha' told mine uncle.

Ed. Kno'well	Nay, if you would ha' told your uncle, I did laugh at you, 
coz.

Stephen	Did you, indeed?

Ed. Kno'well	Yes, indeed.

Stephen	Why, then -

Ed. Kno'well	What then?

Stephen	I am satisfied, it is sufficient.

Ed. Kno'well	Why, be so, gentle coz. And, I pray you let me entreat a 
courtesy of you. I am sent for, this morning, by a friend i' the Old Jewry 
to come to him; it's but crossing over the fields to Moorgate: will you 
bear me company? I protest it is not to draw you into bond, or any plot 
against the state, coz.

Stephen	Sir, that's all one; and 'twere, you shall command me twice so far 
as Moorgate to do you good, in such a matter. Do you think I would leave 
you? I protest -

Ed. Kno'well	No, no, you shall not protest, coz.

Stephen	By my fackins, but I will, by your leave; I'll protest more to my 
friend than I'll speak of at this time.

Ed. Kno'well	You speak very well, coz.

Stephen	Nay, not so neither, you shall pardon me; but I speak to serve my 
turn.

Ed. Kno'well	Your turn, coz? Do you know what you say? A gentleman of your 
sort, parts, carriage, and estimation, to talk o' your turn i' this 
company, and to me, alone, like a tankard-bearer, at a conduit! Fie! A 
wight that, hitherto, his every foot hath left the stamp of a great foot 
behind him, as every word the savour of a strong spirit - And he - this 
man, so graced, gilded, or - to use a more fit metaphor - so tin-foiled by 
nature, as not ten housewives' pewter, again a good time, shows more bright 
to the world than he! And he - as I said last, so I say again, and still 
shall say it - this man, to conceal such real ornaments as these, and 
shadow their glory, as a milliner's wife does her wrought stomacher, with a 
smoky lawn, or a black cyprus? Oh coz, it cannot be answered, go not about 
it! Drake's old ship, at Deptford, may sooner circle the world again. Come, 
wrong not the quality of your desert with looking downward, coz; but hold 
up your head, so, and let the idea of what you are be portrayed i' your 
face, that men may read i' your physnomy, 'Here, within this place, is to 
be seen the true, rare, and accomplished monster, or miracle, of nature', 
which is all one. What think you of this, coz?

Stephen	Why, I do think of it; and I will be more proud, and melancholy, 
and gentleman-like than I have been, I'll ensure you.

Ed. Kno'well	Why, that's resolute Master Stephen! [Aside] Now, if I can but 
hold him up to his height, as it is happily begun, it will do well for a 
suburb-humour: we may hap have a match with the city, and play him for 
forty pound. - Come, coz.

Stephen	I'll follow you.

Ed. Kno'well	Follow me? You must go before.

Stephen	Nay, an' I must, I will. Pray you, show me, good cousin.

Exeunt


Scene 3: The lane before Cob's house

Enter MATTHEW

Matthew	I think this be the house - what, ho?

Cob	[opening door] Who's there? Oh, Master Matthew! Gi' your worship good-
morrow.

Matthew	What! Cob! How dost thou, good Cob? Dost thou inbabit here, Cob?

Cob	Ay, sir, I and my lineage ha' kept a poor house, here, in our days.

Matthew	Thy lineage, Monsieur Cob, what lineage? What lineage?

Cob	Why, sir, an ancient lineage, and a princely. Mine ance'try came from a 
King's belly, no worse man: and yet no man neither - by your worship's 
leave, I did lie in that - but Herring, the king of fish, from his belly I 
proceed, one o' the monarchs o' the world, I assure you. The first red 
herring, that was broiled in Adam and Eve's kitchen, do I fetch my pedigree 
from, by the Harrots' books. His cob was my great-great-mighty-great 
grandfather.

Matthew	Why mighty? Why mighty? I pray thee.

Cob	Oh, it was a mighty while ago, sir, and a mighty great cob.

Matthew	How know'st thou that?

Cob	How know I? Why, I smell his ghost, ever and anon.

Matthew	Smell a ghost? Oh unsavoury jest! And the ghost of a herring-cob!

Cob	Ay, sir, with favour of your worship's nose, Master Matthew, why not 
the ghost of a herring-cob, as well as the ghost of rasher-bacon?

Matthew	Roger Bacon, thou would'st say?

Cob	I say rasher-bacon. They were both broiled o' the coals? And a man may 
smell broiled meat, I hope? You are a scholar, upsolve me that, now.

Matthew	[Aside] Oh raw ignorance! - Cob, canst thou show me of a gentleman, 
one Captain Bobadill, where his lodging is?

Cob	Oh, my guest, sir, you mean?

Matthew	Thy guest! Alas! Ha, ha.

Cob	Why do you laugh, sir? Do you not mean Captain Bobadill?

Matthew	Cob, 'pray thee, advise thyself well: do not wrong the gentleman, 
and thyself too. I dare be sworn he scorns thy house. He! he lodge in such 
a base, obscure place as thy house! Tut, I know his disposition so well, he 
would not lie in thy bed if thou'dst gi' it him.

Cob	I will not give it him, though, sir. Mass, I thought somewhat was in't, 
we could not get him to bed all night! Well, sir, though he lie not o' my 
bed, he lies o' my bench. An't please you to go up, sir, you shall find him 
with two cushions under his head, and his cloak wrapped about him, as 
though he had neither won nor lost, and yet, I warrant, he ne'er cast 
better in his life than he has done tonight.

Matthew	Why, was he drunk?

Cob	Drunk, sir? You hear not me say so. Perhaps he swallowed a tavern-
token, or some such device, sir: I have nothing to do withal. I deal with 
water, and not with wine. Gi'me my tankard there, ho.

Enter TIB with tankard, and exit

God b'w'you, sir. It's six o'clock; I should ha' carried two turns by this. 
What ho! My stopple! Come.

Matthew	Lie in a water-bearer's house! A gentleman of his havings! Well, 
I'll tell him my mind.

Cob	What Tib, show this gentleman up to the Captain.

Enter TIB with stopple and exit with MATTHEW

Oh, an my house were the brazen-head now! Faith, it would e'en speak, 'Moe 
fools yet'. You should ha' some now would take this Master Matthew to be a 
gentleman, at the least. His father's an honest man, a worshipful 
fishmonger, and so forth; and now does he creep and wriggle into 
acquaintance with all the brave gallants about the town, such as my guest 
is - Oh, my guest is a fine man - and they flout him invincibly. He useth 
every day to a merchant's house, where I serve water, one Master Kitely's, 
i' the Old Jewry; and here's the jest, he is in love with my master's 
sister, Mistress Bridget, and calls her mistress: and there he will sit you 
a whole afternoon sometimes, reading o' these same abominable, vile - a pox 
on 'hem, I cannot abide them - rascally verses, poetry, poetry, and 
speaking of interludes, 'twill make a man burst to hear him. And the 
wenches, they do so jeer, and ti-he at him - well, should they do so much 
to me, I'd forswear them all, by the foot of Pharaoh. There's an oath! How 
many water-bearers shall you hear swear such an oath? Oh, I have a guest. 
He teaches me. He does swear the legiblest of any man christened: "By St. 
George", "the foot of Pharaoh", "the body of me", "as I am a gentleman and 
a soldier" - such dainty oaths! And withal, he does take this same filthy 
roguish tobacco, the finest, and cleanliest! It would do a man good to see 
the fume come forth at's tonnels! Well, he owes me forty shilling - my wife 
lent him out of her purse, by sixpence a time - besides his lodging. I 
would I had it. I shall ha'it, he says, the next Action. Helter skelter, 
hang sorrow, care'll kill a cat, up-tails all, and a louse for the hangman.



Scene 4: a room in Cob's house

BOBADILL is discovered lying on his bench

Bobadill	Hostess, hostess.

Enter TIB

Tib	What say you, sir?

Bobadill	A cup o' thy small beer, sweet hostess.

Tib	Sir, there's a gentleman, below, would speak with you.

Bobadill	A gentleman! 'odso, I am not whithin.

Tib	My husband told him you were, sir.

Bobadill	What, a plague! what meant he?

Matthew	[below] Captain Bobadill?

Bobadill	Who's there? - Take away the basin, good hostess. - Come up, sir.

Tib	He would desire you to come up, sir. You come into a cleanly house, 
here.

Enter MATTHEW

Matthew	'Save you, sir. 'Save you, Captain.

Bobadill	Gentle Master Matthew! Is it you, sir? Please you sit down.

Matthew	Thank you, good Captain; you may see I am somewhat audacious.

Bobadill	Not so, sir. I was requested to supper last night by a sort of 
gallants, where you were wished for, and drunk to, I assure you.

Matthew	Vouchsafe me, by whom, good Captain.

Bobadill	Marry, by young Wellbred and others. Why, hostess, a stool here 
for this gentleman.

Matthew	No haste, sir, 'tis very well.

Exit TIB

Bobadill	Body of me! It was so late ere we parted last night, I can scarce 
open my eyes yet. I was but new risen as you came. How passes the day 
abroad, sir? You can tell.

Matthew	Faith, some half hour to seven: now trust me, you have an exceeding 
fine lodging here, very neat, and private!

Bobadill	Ay, sir. Sit down, I pray you. Master Matthew, in any case, 
possess no gentleman of our acquaintance, with notice of my lodging.

Matthew	Who? I sir? No.

Bobadill	Not that I need to care who know it, for the cabin is convenient, 
but in regard I would not be too popular, and generally visited, as some 
are.

Matthew	True, Captain, I conceive you.

Bobadill	For, do you see, sir, by the heart of valour in me - except it be 
to some peculiar and choice spirits to whom I am extraordinarily engaged, 
as yourself, or so - I could not extend thus far.

Matthew	Oh Lord, sir, I resolve so.

Bobadill	I confess, I love a cleanly and quiet privacy above all the tumult 
and roar of fortune. What new book ha' you there? What! 'Go by, Hieronymo'?

Matthew	Ay, did you ever see it acted? Is't not well penned?

Bobadill	Well penned? I would fain see all the poets of these times pen 
such another play as that was! They'll prate and swagger, and keep a stir 
of art and devices, when, as I am a gentleman, read 'hem, they are the most 
shallow, pitiful, barren fellows that live upon the face of the earth, 
again!

Matthew	Indeed, here are a number of fine speeches in this book! "Oh eyes, 
no eyes, but fountains fraught with tears" - There's a conceit! "Fountains 
fraught with tears" - "O life, no life, but lively form of death" - 
another! - "Oh world, no world, but mass of public wrongs" - a third! - 
"Confused and filled with murder and misdeeds" - a fourth! Oh, the Muses! 
Is't not excellent? Is't not simply the best that ever you heard, Captain? 
Ha? How do you like it?

Bobadill	'Tis good.

Matthew	To thee, the purest object to my sense,
The most refined essence heaven covers,
Send I these lines, wherein I do commence
The happy state of turtle-billing lovers.
If they prove rough, unpolished, harsh and rude,
Haste made the waste. Thus, mildly, I conclude.

BOBADILL is making him ready all this while

Bobadill	Nay, proceed, proceed. Where's this?

Matthew	This, sir? A toy o' mine own, in my nonage: the infancy of my 
Muses! But, when will you come and see my study? Good faith, I can show you 
some very good things I have done of late. - That boot becomes your leg, 
passing well, Captain, methinks!

Bobadill	So, so; it's the fashion gentlemen now use.

Matthew	Troth, Captain, an' now you speak o' the fashion, Master Wellbred's 
elder brother and I are fall'n out exceedingly: this other day, I happened 
to enter into some discourse of a hanger which, I assure you, both for 
fashion and workmanship was most peremptory-beautiful and gentlemanlike! 
Yet, he condemned, and cried it down for the most pied and ridiculous that 
ever he saw.

Bobadill	Squire Downright? The half-brother? Was't not?

Matthew	Ay, sir, he.

Bobadill	Hang him, rook, he! Why, he has no more judgement than a malt-
horse. By St. George, I wonder you'd lose a thought upon such an animal: 
the most peremptory absurd clown of Christendom, this day, he is holden. I 
protest to you, as I am a gentleman and a soldier, I ne'er changed words 
with his like. By his discourse, he should eat nothing but hay. He was born 
for the manger, pannier, or pack-saddle! He has not so much as a good 
phrase in his belly, but all old iron and rusty proverbs! A good commodity 
for some smith to make hobnails of.

Matthew	Ay, and he thinks to carry it away with his manhood still where he 
comes. He brags he will gi' me the bastinado, as I hear.

Bobadill	How! He the bastinado! How came he by that word, trow?

Matthew	Nay, indeed, he said cudgel me; I termed it so, for my more grace.

Bobadill	That may be: for I was sure it was none of his word. But, when? 
When said he so?

Matthew	Faith, yesterday, they say: a young gallant, a friend of mine, told 
me so.

Bobadill	By the foot of Pharaoh, and 'twere my case now, I should send him 
a chartel presently. The bastinado! A most proper and sufficient 
dependence, warranted by the great Caranza. Come hither. You shall chartel 
him. I'll show you a trick or two you shall kill him with, at pleasure: the 
first stoccata, if you will, by this air.

Matthew	Indeed, you have absolute knowledge i' the mystery, I have heard, 
sir.

Bobadill	Of whom? Of whom ha' you heard it, I beseech you?

Matthew	Troth, I have heard it spoken of divers, that you have very rare 
and un-in-one-breath-utter-able skill, sir.

Bobadill	By heaven, no, not I; no skill i' the earth: some small rudiments 
i' the science, as to know my time, distance, or so. I have professed it 
more for noblemen, and gentlemen's use, than mine own practice, I assure 
you. Hostess, accommodate us with another bed-staff here, quickly.

Enter TIB with a puzzled air

Lend us another bed-staff.

Exit TIB

The woman does not understand the words of action. Look you, sir. Exalt not 
your point above this state, at any hand, and let your poniard maintain 
your defence, thus.

Enter TIB with bed-staff

Give it to the gentleman, and leave us.

Exit TIB

So, sir. Come on: Oh, twine your body more about, that you may fall to a 
more sweet comely gentleman-like guard. So, indifferent. Hollow your body 
more sir, thus. Now, stand fast o' your left leg, note your distance, keep 
your due proportion of time - Oh, you disorder your point, most 
irregularly!

Matthew	How is the bearing of it, now, sir?

Bobadill	Oh, out of measure ill! A well-experienced hand would pass upon 
you, at pleasure.

Matthew	How mean you, sir, pass upon me?

Bobadill	Why, thus sir. Make a thrust at me. Come in, upon the answer, 
control your point, and make a full career at the body. The best-practised 
gallants of the time name it the passada: a most desperate thrust, believe 
it!

Matthew	Well, come, sir.

Bobadill	Why, you do not manage your weapon with any facility or grace to 
invite me: I have no spirit to play with you. Your dearth of judgement 
renders you tedious.

Matthew	But one venue, sir.

Bobadill	Venue! Fie. Most gross denomination, as ever I heard. Oh, the 
stoccata, while you live, sir. Note that. Come, put on your cloak, and 
we'll go to some private place, where you are acquainted, some tavern, or 
so, and have a bit - I'll send for one of these Fencers, and he shall 
breath you, by my direction; and then I will teach you your trick. You 
shall kill him with it, at the first, if you please. Why, I will learn you, 
by the true judgement of the eye, hand, and foot to control any enemy's 
point i' the world. Should your adversary confront you with a pistol, 
'twere nothing, by this hand, you should, by the same rule, control his 
bullet, in a line: except it were hail-shot, and spread. What money ha' you 
about you, Master Matthew?

Matthew	Faith, I ha' not past a two shillings, or so.

Bobadill	'Tis somewhat with the least: but, come. We will have a bunch of 
radish, and salt to taste our wine, and a pipe of tobacco to close the 
orifice of the stomach; and then we'll call upon young Wellbred. Perhaps we 
shall meet the Corydon, his brother, there, and put him to the question.



Act 2

Scene 1: The Old Jewry - A Hall in Kitely's house

Enter KITELY, CASH and DOWMRIGHT

Kitely	Thomas, come hither,
There lies a note within upon my desk,
Here, take my key: it is no matter, neither.
Where is the boy?

Cash	Within, sir, i' the warehouse.

Kitely	Let him tell over, straight, that Spanish gold,
And weigh it, with th' pieces of eight. Do you
See the delivery of those silver stuffs
To Master Lucar. Tell him, if he will,
He shall ha' the grograns at the rate I told him,
And I will meet him on the Exchange anon.

Cash	Good, sir.

Exit

Kitely	Do you see that fellow, brother Downright?

Downright	Ay, what of him?

Kitely	He is a jewel, brother.
I took him of a child, up, at my door,
And christened him, gave him mine own name, Thomas,
Since bred him at the Hospital; where proving
A toward imp, I called him home, and taught him
So much as I have made him my cashier,
And given him, who had none, a surname, Cash:
And find him in his place so full of faith
That I durst trust my life into his hands.

Downright	So, would not I in any bastard's, brother,
As, it is like, he is: although I knew
Myself his father. But you said you'd somewhat
To tell me, gentle brother, what is't? What is't?

Kitely	Faith, I am very loath, to utter it,
As fearing it may hurt your patience:
But, that I know, your judgement is of strength,
Against the nearness of affection -

Downright	What need this circumstance? Pray you be direct.

Kitely	I will not say how much I do ascribe
Unto your friendship, nor in what regard
I hold your love; but, let my past behaviour
And usage of your sister but confirm
How well I've been affected to your -

Downright	You are too tedious, come to the matter, the matter.

Kitely	Then, without further ceremony, thus.
My brother Wellbred, sir, I know not how,
Of late is much declined in what he was,
And greatly altered in his disposition.
When he came first to lodge here in my house,
Ne'er trust me if I were not proud of him:
Methought he bare himself in such a fashion,
So full of man, and sweetness in his carriage,
And, what was chief, it showed not borrowed in him,
But all he did became him as his own,
And seemed as perfect, proper, and possessed
As breath with life, or colour with the blood.
But, now his course is so irregular,
So loose, affected, and deprived of grace,
And he himself withal so far fall'n off
From that first place, as scarce no note remains
To tell men's judgements where he lately stood.
He's grown a stranger to all due respect,
Forgetful of his friends, and not content
To stale himself in all societies,
He makes my house here common as a mart,
A theatre, a public receptacle
For giddy humour and diseased riot;
And here, as in a tavern or a stews
He and his wild associates spend their hours
In repetition of lascivious jests,
Swear, leap, drink, dance, and revel night by night,
Control my servants: and indeed what not?

Downright	'Sdeins, I know not what I should say to him i' the whole world! 
He values me at a cracked three-farthings, for aught I see: it will never 
out o' the flesh that's bred i' the bone! I have told him enough, one would 
think, if that would serve: but counsel to him is as good as a shoulder of 
mutton to a sick horse. Well! He knows what to trust to, for George. Let 
him spend, and spend, and domineer, till his heart ache; an' he think to be 
relieved by me, when he is got into one o' your city pounds, the Counters, 
he has the wrong sow by the ear, i' faith, and claps his dish at the wrong 
man's door. I'll lay my hand o' my halfpenny ere I part with't to fetch him 
out, I'll assure him.

Kitely	Nay, good brother, let it not trouble you, thus.

Downright	'Sdeath, he mads me, I could eat my very spur-leathers, for 
anger! But, why are you so tame? Why do you not speak to him, and tell him 
how he disquiets your house?

Kitely	Oh, there are divers reasons to dissuade, brother.
But, would yourself vouchsafe to travail in it,
Though but with plain and easy circumstance,
It would both come much better to his sense,
And savour less of stomach, or of passion.
You are his elder brother, and that title
Both gives and warrants you authority;
Which, by your presence seconded, must breed
A kind of duty in him, and regard:
Whereas if I should intimate the least,
It would but add contempt to his neglect,
Heap worse on ill, make up a pile of hatred
That, in the rearing, would come tottering down,
And, in the ruin, bury all our love.
Nay, more than this, brother, if I should speak
He would be ready from his heat of humour,
And overflowing of the vapour in him,
To blow the ears of his familiars
With the false breath of telling what disgraces
And low disparagements I had put upon him.
Whilst they, sir, to relieve him, in the fable,
Make their loose comments upon every word,
Gesture, or look, I use; mock me all over,
From my flat cap unto my shining shoes:
And, out of their impetuous rioting fant'sies,
Beget some slander that shall dwell with me.
And what would that be, think you? Marry, this:
They would give out, because my wife is fair,
Myself but lately married, and my sister
Here sojourning a virgin in my house,
That I were jealous! Nay, as sure as death,
That they would say. And how that I had quarrelled
My brother purposely, thereby to find
An apt pretext to banish them my house.

Downright	Mass perhaps so: they're like enough to do it.

Kitely	Brother, they would, believe it: so should I,
Like one of these penurious quack-salvers,
But set the bills up to mine own disgrace,
And try experiments upon myself:
Lend scorn and envy opportunity
To stab my reputation and good name -

Enter MATTHEW struggling with BOBADILL

Matthew	I will speak to him -

Bobadill	Speak to him? Away, by the foot of Pharaoh, you shall not, you 
shall not do him that grace. The time of day, to you, gentleman o' the 
house. Is Master Wellbred stirring?

Downright	How then? What should he do?

Bobadill	Gentleman of the house, it is to you: is he within, sir?

Kitely	He came not to his lodging tonight, sir, I assure you.

Downright	Why, do you hear? You!

Bobadill	The gentleman-citizen hath satisfied me, I'll talk to no 
scavenger.

Exeunt MATTHEW and BOBADILL

Downright	How, scavenger? Stay sir, stay.

Kitely	Nay, brother Downright.

Downright	'Heart! Stand you away, and you love me.

Kitely	You shall not follow him now, I pray you, brother, good faith you 
shall not: I will overrule you.

Downright	Ha? Scavenger? Well, go to, I say little: but, by this good day - 
God forgive me I should swear - if I put it up so, say I am the rankest cow 
that ever pissed. 'Sdeins, and I swallow this, I'll ne'er draw my sword in 
the sight of Fleet Street again, while I live: I'll sit in a barn with 
madge-howlet, and catch mice first. Scavenger? 'Heart, and I'll go ne'er to 
fill that huge tumbrel-slop of yours with somewhat; and I have good luck, 
your Gargantua breech cannot carry it away so.

Kitely	Oh do not fret yourself thus, never think on't.

Downright	These are my brother's consorts, these! These are his cam'rades, 
his walking mates! He's a gallant, a cavaliero too, right hangman cut! Let 
me not live, and I could not find in my heart to swinge the whole ging of 
'hem, one after another, and begin with him first. I am grieved it should 
be said he is my brother, and take these courses. Well, as he brews, so he 
shall drink, for George, again. Yet, he shall hear on't, and that tightly 
too, and I live, i' faith.

Kitely	But, brother, let your reprehension, then,
Run in an easy current, not o'er high
Carried with rashness or devouring choler;
But rather use the soft persuading way,
Whose powers will work more gently, and compose
Th' imperfect thoughts you labour to reclaim:
More winning, than enforcing the consent.

Downright	Ay, ay, let me alone for that, I warrant you.

Bell rings

Kitely	How now? Oh, the bell rings to breakfast.
Brother, I pray you go in, and bear my wife
Company till I come; I'll but give order
For some despatch of business to my servants -

Exit DOWNRIGHT
COB passes by with his tankard

Kitely	What Cob? Our maids will have you by the back, i'faith, for coming 
so late this morning.

Cob	Perhaps so, sir, take heed somebody have not them by the belly, for 
walking so late in the evening.

Exit COB

Kitely	Well, yet my troubled spirit's somewhat eased,
Though not reposed in that security
As I could wish: but, I must be content.
Howe'er I set a face on't to the world,
Would I had lost this finger, at a venture,
So Wellbred had ne'er lodged within my house.
Why't cannot be, where there is such resort
Of wanton gallants and young revellers
That any woman should be honest long.
Is't like that factious beauty will preserve
The public weal of chastity, unshaken,
When such strong motives muster and make head
Against her single peace? No, no. Beware,
When mutual appetite doth meet to treat,
And spirits of one kind and quality
Come once to parley in the pride of blood,
It is no slow conspiracy that follows.
Well, to be plain, if I but thought the time
Had answered their affections, all the world
Should not persuade me but I were a cuckold.
Marry, I hope they ha' not got that start;
For opportunity hath baulked 'hem yet,
And shall do still, while I have eyes and ears
To attend the impositions of my heart.
My presence shall be as an iron bar
'Twixt the conspiring motions of desire:
Yea, every look or glance mine eye ejects
Shall check occasion, as one doth his slave
When he forgets the limits of prescription.

Enter DAME KITELY and BRIDGET

Dame Kitely	Sister Bridget, pray you fetch down the rosewater above in the 
closet.

Exit BRIDGET

Sweetheart, will you come in, to breakfast?

Kitely	[Aside] An' she have overheard me now?

Dame Kitely	I pray thee, good muss, we stay for you.

Kitely	[Aside] By heaven, I would not for a thousand angels!

Dame Kitely	What ail you sweetheart, are you not well? Speak good muss.

Kitely	Troth, my head aches extremely, on a sudden.

Dame Kitely	[Putting her hand to his forehead] Oh, the Lord!

Kitely	How now? What?

Dame Kitely	Alas, how it burns! Muss, keep you warm, good truth it is this 
new disease! There's a number are troubled withal! For love's sake, 
sweetheart, come in, out of the air.

Kitely	[Aside] How simple, and how subtle are her answers! A new disease, 
and many troubled with it! Why, true: she heard me, all the world to 
nothing.

Dame Kitely	I pray thee, good sweetheart, come in; the air will do you 
harm, in troth.

Kitely	[Aside] The air! She has me i' the wind! Sweetheart! - I'll come to 
you presently: 'twill away, I hope.

Dame Kitely	Pray heaven it do.

Exit DAME KITELY

Kitely	A new disease? I know not, new, or old,
But it may well be called poor mortals' plague;
For, like a pestilence, it doth infect
The houses of the brain. First, it begins
Solely to work upon the fantasy,
Filling her seat with such pestiferous air
As soon corrupts the judgement; and from thence
Sends like contagion to the memory:
Still each to other giving the infection;
Which, as a subtle vapour spreads itself
Confusedly through every sensive part,
Till not a thought or motion in the mind
Be free from the black poison of suspect.
Ah, but what misery' is it to know this?
Or, knowing it, to want the mind's erection,
In such extremes? Well, I will once more strive,
In spite of this black cloud, myself to be,
And shake the fever off, that thus shakes me.

Exit


Scene 2: Moorfields

Enter BRAINWORM like a maimed sub-officer

Brainworm	'Slid, I cannot choose but laugh, to see myself translated thus, 
from a poor creature to a creator; for now must I create an intolerable 
sort of lies, or my present profession loses the grace: and yet the lie to 
a man of my coat is as ominous a fruit as the fico. Oh sir, it holds for 
good polity ever to have that outwardly in vilest estimation that inwardly 
is most dear to us. So much for my borrowed shape. Well, the troth is, my 
old master intends to follow my young, dry foot, over Moorfields to London 
this morning: now I, knowing of this hunting-match, or rather conspiracy, 
and to insinuate with my young master - for so must we that are blue-
waiters and men of hope and service do, or perhaps we may wear motely at 
the year's end, and who wears motley, you know - have got me afore, in this 
disguise, determining here to lie in ambuscado, and intercept him in the 
mid-way. If I can but get his cloak, his purse, his hat, nay, anything, to 
cut him off, that is to say his journey, veni, vidi, vici, I may say with 
Captain Caesar I am made for ever, i' faith. Well, now must I practise to 
get the true garb of one of these lance-knights, my arm here, and my - 
Young master! and his cousin, Master Stephen, as I am true counterfeit man 
of war, and no soldier!

Moves away

Enter ED. KNO'WELL and STEPHEN

Ed. Kno'well	So sir, and how then, coz?

Stephen	'Sfoot, I have lost my purse, I think.

Ed. Kno'well	How? Lost your purse? Where? When had you it?

Stephen	I cannot tell. Stay!

Brainworm	[Aside] 'Slid, I am afeared, they will know me, would I could get 
by them.

Ed. Kno'well	What? Ha' you it?

Stephen	No, I think I was bewitched, I -

Ed. Kno'well	Nay, do not weep the loss, hang it, let it go.

Stephen	Oh, it's here: no, and it had been lost, I had not cared, but for a 
jet ring Mistress Mary sent me.

Ed. Kno'well	A jet ring? Oh, the poesy, the poesy?

Stephen	Fine, i' faith! 'Though fancy sleep, my love is deep.' Meaning that 
though I did not fancy her, yet she loved me deeply.


Ed. Kno'well	Most excellentl

Stephen	And then, I sent her another, and my poesy was: 'The deeper, the 
sweeter, I'll be judged by St. Peter.'

Ed. Kno'well	How, by St. Peter? I do not conceive that!

Stephen	Marry, St. Peter, to make up the metre.

Ed. Kno'well	Well, there the saint was your good patron, he helped you at 
your need: thank him, thank him.

Brainworm	[Aside] I cannot take leave on 'hem, so I will venture, come what 
will. [Comes forward.] Gentlemen, please you change a few crowns for a very 
excellent good blade, here? I am a poor gentleman, a soldier, one that in 
the better state of my fortunes scorned so mean a refuge, but now it is the 
humour of necessity to have it so. You seem to be gentlemen well affected 
to martial men, else I should rather die with silence than live with shame: 
however, vouchsafe to remember it is my want speaks, not myself. This 
condition agrees not with my spirit -

Ed. Kno'well	Where hast thou served?

Brainworm	May it please you, sir, in all the late wars of Bohemia, 
Hungaria, Dalmatia, Poland, where not, sir? I have been a poor servitor by 
sea and land any time this fourteen years, and followed the fortunes of the 
best commanders in Christendom. I was twice shot at the taking of Aleppo, 
once at the relief of Vienna; I have been at Marseilles, Naples, and the 
Adriatic gulf, a gentleman-slave in the galleys, thrice, where I was most 
dangerously shot in the head, through both the thighs, and yet, being thus 
maimed, I am void of maintenance, nothing left me but my scars, the noted 
marks of my resolution.

Stephen	How will you sell this rapier, friend? [Takes it in his hand.]

Brainworm	Generous sir, I refer it to your own judgement; you are a 
gentleman, give me what you please.

Stephen	True, I am a gentleman, I know that friend: but what though? I pray 
you say, what would you ask?

Brainworm	I assure you, the blade may become the side or thigh of the best 
prince in Europe.

Ed. Kno'well	Ay, with a velvet scabbard, I think.

Stephen	Nay, and't be mine, it shall have a velvet scabbard, coz, that's 
flat; I'd not wear it as 'tis, and you would give me an angel.

Brainworm	At your worship's pleasure, sir; [STEPHEN excamines the bladle] 
nay, 'tis a most pure Toledo.

Stephen	I had rather it were a Spaniard! But tell me, what shall I give you 
for it? An' it had a silver hilt -

Ed. Kno'well	Come, come, you shall not buy it; hold, there's a shilling 
fellow, take thy rapier.

Stephen	Why, but I will buy it now, because you say so, and there's another 
shilling, fellow. I scorn to be outbidden. What, shall I walk with a 
cudgel, like Higginbottom? And may have a rapier, for money?

Ed. Kno'well	You may buy one in the city.

Stephen	Tut, I'll buy this i' the field, so I will; I have a mind to't, 
because 'tis a field rapier. Tell me your lowest price.

Ed. Kno'well	You shall not buy it, I say.

Stephen	By this money, but I will, though I give more than 'tis worth.

Ed. Kno'well	Come away, you are a fool.

Stephen	Friend, I am a fool, that's granted; but I'll have it, for that 
word's sake. Follow me, for your money.

Brainworm	At your service, sir.

Exeunt


Scene 3: Another Part of Moorfields

Enter KNO'WELL

Kno'well	I cannot lose the thought, yet, of this letter
Sent to my son; nor leave t' admire the change
Of manners and the breeding of our youth
Within the kingdom since myself was one.
When I was young, he lived not in the stews
Durst have conceived a scorn and uttered it
On a grey head; age was authority
Against a buffoon, and a man had, then,
A certain reverence paid unto his years,
That had none due unto his life. So much
The sanctity of some prevailed for others.
But, now, we all are fall'n; youth from their fear,
And age from that which bred it, good example.
Nay, would ourselves were not the first, even parents,
That did destroy the hopes in our own children;
Or they not learned our vices in their cradles
And sucked in our ill customs with their milk.
Ere all their teeth be born or they can speak
We make their palates cunning! The first words
We form their tongues with are licentious jests!
Can it call "whore"? cry "bastard"? Oh, then kiss it,
A witty child! Can 't swear? The father's dearling!
Give it two plums. Nay, rather than 't shall learn
No bawdy song, the mother' herself will teach it!
But this is in the infancy; the days
Of the long coat: when it puts on the breeches,
It will put off all this. Ay, it is like,
When it is gone into the bone already.
No, no, this dye goes deeper than the coat,
Or shirt, or skin. It stains unto the liver,
And heart, in some. And, rather, than it should not,
Note what we fathers do! Look how we live!
What mistresses we keep! At what expense,
In our sons' eyes! Where they may handle our gifts,
Hear our lascivious courtships, see our dalliance,
Taste of the same provoking meats with us,
To ruin of our states! Nay, when our own
Portion is fled, to prey on their remainder,
We call them into fellowship of vice!
Bait 'hem with the young chambermaid to seal!
And teach 'hem all bad ways to buy affliction!
This is one path! But there are millions more
In which we spoil our own with leading them.
Well, I thank heaven, I never yet was he
That travelled with my son, before sixteen,
To show him the Venetian courtesans;
Nor read the grammar of cheating I had made
To my sharp boy, at twelve, repeating still
The rule "Get money, still, get money, boy;
No matter by what means; money will do
More, boy, than my lord's letter". Neither have I
Dressed snails, or mushrooms, curiously before him,
Perfumed my sauces, and taught him to make 'hem;
Preceding still, with my grey gluttony,
At all the ordinaries; and only feared
His palate should degenerate, not his manners.
These are the trade of fathers, now! However
My son, I hope, hath met within my threshold
None of these household precedents, which are strong
And swift to rape youth to their precipice.
But let the house at home be ne'er so clean -
Swept, or kept sweet from filth, nay, dust and cobwebs -
If he will live abroad with his companions
In dung and leystalls, it is worth a fear.
Nor is the danger of conversing less
Than all that I have mentioned of example.

Enter BRAINWORM disguised as before

Brainworm	[Aside] My master! Nay, faith have at you: I am fleshed now, I 
have sped so well. - Worshipful sir, I beseech you, respect the estate of a 
poor soldier; I am ashamed of this base course of life - God's my comfort - 
but extremity provokes me to't, what remedy?

Kno'well	I have not for you, now.

Brainworm	By the faith I bear unto truth, gentleman, it is no ordinary 
custom in me, but only to preserve manhood. I protest to you, a man I have 
been, a man I may be, by your sweet bounty.

Kno'well	'Pray thee, good friend, be satisfied.

Brainworm	Good sir, by that hand you may do the part of a kind gentleman, 
in lending a poor soldier the price of two cans of beer - a matter of small 
value. The king of heaven shall pay you, and I shall rest thankful. Sweet 
worship -

Kno'well	Nay, and you be so importunate -

Brainworm	Oh, tender sir, need will have his course. I was not made to this 
vile use! Well, the edge of the enemy could not have abated me so much: 
it's hard when a man hath served in his prince's cause, and be thus. [He 
weeps] Honourable worship, let me derive a small piece of silver from you, 
it shall not be given in the course of time, by this good ground, I was 
fain to pawn my rapier last night for a poor supper, I had sucked the hilts 
long before, I am a pagan else: sweet honour.

Kno'well	Believe me, I am taken with some wonder,
To think a fellow of thy outward presence
Should, in the frame and fashion of his mind,
Be so degenerate and sordid-base!
Art thou a man? And sham'st thou not to beg?
To practise such a servile kind of life?
Why, were thy education ne'er so mean,
Having thy limbs, a thousand fairer courses
Offer themselves to thy election.
Either the wars might still supply thy wants,
Or service of some virtuous gentleman,
Or honest labour; nay, what can I name,
But would become thee better than to beg?
But men of thy condition feed on sloth,
As doth the beetle on the dung she breeds in,
Not caring how the mettle of your minds
Is eaten with the rust of idleness.
Now, afore me, whate'er he be that should
Relieve a person of thy quality,
While thou insist'st in this loose desperate course,
I would esteem the sin not thine, but his.

Brainworm	Faith sir, I would gladly find some other course, if so -

Kno'well	Ay, you'd gladly find it, but you will not seek it.

Brainworm	Alas sir, where should a man seek? In the wars, there's no ascent 
by desert in these days, but - and for service, would it were as soon 
purchased as wished for. The air's my comfort. [Sighs] I know what I would 
say -

Kno'well	What's thy name?

Brainworm	Please you, Fitzsword, sir.

Kno'well	Fitzsword?
Say that a man should entertain thee now,
Wouldst thou be honest, humble, just, and true?

Brainworm	Sir, by the place and honour of a soldier -

Kno'well	Nay, nay, I like not these affected oaths;
Speak plainly man: what thinkst thou of my words?

Brainworm	Nothing, sir, but wish my fortunes were as happy as my service 
should be honest.

Kno'well	Well, follow me, I'll prove thee if thy deeds
Will carry a proportion to thy words.

Brainworm	Yes, sir, straight, I'll but garter my hose.

Exit KNO'WELL

Oh that my belly were hooped now, for I am ready to burst with laughing! 
Never was bottle or bagpipe fuller. 'Slid, was there ever seen a fox in 
years to betray himself thus? Now shall I be possessed of all his counsels, 
and, by that conduit, my young master. Well, he is resolved to prove mv 
honesty; faith, and I am resolved to prove his patience: Oh, I shall abuse 
him intolerably. This small piece of service will bring him clean out of 
love with the soldier, forever. He will never come within the sign of it, 
the sight of a cassock, or a musket-rest again. He will hate the musters at 
Mile End for it to his dying day. It's no matter, let the world think me a 
bad counterfeit, if I cannot give him the slip at an instant: why, this is 
better than to have stayed his journeyl Well, I'll follow him. Oh, how I 
long to be employed.

Exit



Act 3

Scene 1: The Old Jewry. a room in the Windmill Tavern

Enter MATTHEW, WELLBRED and BOBADILL

Matthew	Yes faith, sir, we were at your lodging to seek you, too.

Wellbred	Oh, I came not there tonight.

Bobadill	Your brother delivered us as much.

Wellbred	Who? My brother Downright?

Bobadill	He. Master Wellbred, I know not in what kind you hold me, but let 
me say to you this: as sure as honour, I esteem it so much out of the 
sunshine of reputation to throw the least beam of regard upon such a -

Wellbred	Sir, I must hear no ill words of my brother.

Bobadill	I protest to you, as I have a thing to be saved about me, I never 
saw any gentlemanlike part -

Wellbred	Good Captain, faces about, to some other discourse.

Bobadill	With your leave, sir, and there were no more men living upon the 
face of the earth, I should not fancy him, by St. George.

Matthew	Troth, nor I, he is of a rustical cut, I know not how; he doth not 
carry himself like a gentleman of fashion -

Wellbred	Oh, Master Matthew, that's a grace peculiar but to a few; quos 
aequus amavit Jupiter.

Matthew	I understand you, sir.

Wellbred	No question, you do, or you do not, sir.

ED. KNO'WELL enters with STEPHEN

Ned Kno'well! By my soul, welcome; how dost thou sweet spirit, my genius. 
'Slid I shall love Apollo and the mad Thespian girls the better, while I 
live, for this, my dear fury. Now, I see there's some love in thee! [In a 
lower voice] Sirrah, these be the two I writ to thee of. Nay, what a drowsy 
humour is this now? Why dost thou not speak?

Ed. Kno'well	Oh, you are a fine gallant, you sent me a rare letter!

Wellbred	Why, was't not rare?

Ed. Kno'well	Yes, I'll be sworn, I was ne'er guilty of reading the like; 
match it in all Pliny or Symmachus's epistles, and I'll have my judgement 
burned in the ear for a rogue: make much of thy vein, for it is inimitable. 
But I marle what camel it was that had the carriage of it, for doubtless he 
was no ordinary beast that brought it!

Wellbred	Why?

Ed. Kno'well	Why, sayst thou? Why dost thou think that any reasonable 
creature, especially in the morning - the sober time of the day too - could 
have mista'en my father for me?

Wellbred	'Slid, you jest, I hope?

Ed. Kno'well	Indeed, the best use we can turn it to is to make a jest on't, 
now; but I'll assure you, my father had the full view o' your flourishing 
style, some hour before I saw it.

Wellbred	What a dull slave was this! But, sirrah, what said he to it, i' 
faith?

Ed. Kno'well	Nay, I know not what he said; but I have a shrewd guess what 
he thought.

Wellbred	What? What?

Ed. Kno'well	Marry, that thou art some strange dissolute young fellow, and 
I a grain or two better, for keeping thee company.

Wellbred	Tut, that thought is like the moon in her last quarter, 'twill 
change shortly; but sirrah, I pray thee be acquainted with my two hang-byes 
here; thou wilt take exceeding pleasure in 'hem if thou hear'st 'hem once 
go: my wind instruments, I'll wind 'hem up - but what strange piece of 
silence is this? The sign of the dumb man?

Ed. Kno'well	Oh, sir, a kinsman of mine, one that may make your music the 
fuller, and he please, he has his humour, sir.

Wellbred	Oh, what is't? What is't?

Ed. Kno'well	Nay, I'll neither do your judgement nor his folly that wrong, 
as to prepare your apprehension: I'll leave him to the mercy o'your search, 
if you can take him, so.

Wellbred	Well, Captain Bobadill, Master Matthew, pray you know this 
gentleman here, he is a friend of mine, and one that will deserve your 
affection. [To MASTER STEPHEN] I know not your name sir, but I shall be 
glad of any occasion to render me more familiar to you.

Stephen	My name is Master Stephen, sir, I am this gentleman's own cousin, 
sir, his father is mine uncle, sir, I am somewhat melancholy, but you shall 
command me, sir, in whatsoever is incident to a gentleman.

Bobadill	[To ED. KNO'WELL] Sir, I must tell you this, I am no general man, 
but for Master Wellbred's sake - you may embrace it, at what height of 
favour you please - I do communicate with you; and conceive you to be a 
gentleman of some parts - I love few words.

Ed. Kno'well	And I fewer, sir. I have scarce enow, to thank you.

Matthew	[To MASTER STEPHEN] But are you indeed, sir, so given to it?

Stephen	Ay, truly, sir, I am mightily given to melancholy.

Matthew	Oh, it's only your fine humour, sir, your true melancholy breeds 
your perfect fine wit, sir: I am melancholy myself divers times, sir, and 
then do I no more but take pen, and paper presently, and overflow you half 
a score, or a dozen of sonnets, at a sitting.

Ed. Kno'well	[Aside] Sure, he utters them then, by the gross.

Stephen	Truly sir, and I love such things out of measure.

Ed. Kno'well	I' faith, better than in measure, I'll undertake.

Matthew	Why, I pray you, sir, make use of my study, it's at your service.

Stephen	I thank you, sir, I shall be bold, I warrant you; have you a stool 
there, to be melancholy upon?

Matthew	That I have, sir, and some papers there of mine own doing, at idle 
hours, that you'll say there's some sparks of wit in 'hem, when you see 
them.

Wellbred	[Aside] Would the sparks would kindle once, and become a fire 
amongst 'hem, I might see self-love burnt for her heresy.

Stephen	Cousin, is it well? Am I melancholy enough?

Ed. Kno'well	Oh ay, excellent!

Wellbred	Captain Bobadill: why muse you so?

Ed. Kno'well	He is melancholy, too.

Bobadill	Faith, sir, I was thinking of a most honourable piece of service 
was performed, tomorrow being St. Mark's day, shall be some ten years, now.

Ed. Kno'well	In what place, Captain?

Bobadill	Why, at the beleag'ring of Strigonium, where, in less than two 
hours, seven hundred resolute gentlemen, as any were in Europe, lost their 
lives upon the breach. I'll tell you, gentlemen, it was the first but the 
best leager that ever I beheld with these eyes, except the taking in of - 
what do you call it, last year, by the Genoways? - but that, of all other, 
was the most fatal and dangerous exploit that ever I was ranged in, since I 
first bore arms before the face of the enemy, as I am a gentleman and 
soldier.

Stephen	'So, I had as lief as an angel, I could swear as well as that 
gentleman!

Ed. Kno'well	Then you were a servitor at both it seems! At Strigonium? And 
what-you-call't?

Bobadill	Oh Lord, sir! By St. George, I was the first man, that entered the 
breach; and, had I not effected it with resolution, I had been slain, if I 
had had a million of lives.

Ed. Kno'well	'Twas pity, you had not ten; a cat's, and your own, i' faith. 
But, was it possible?

Matthew	[Aside to STEPHEN] 'Pray you, mark this discourse, sir.

Stephen	[To MATTHEW] So, I do.

Bobadill	I assure you upon my reputation, 'tis true, and yourself shall 
confess.

Ed. Kno'well	You must bring me to the rack first.

Bobadill	Observe me judicially, sweet sir, they had planted me three demi-
culverins just in the mouth of the breach; now, sir, as we were to give on, 
their master-gunner - a man of no mean skill and mark, you must think - 
confronts me with his linstock, ready to give fire; I, spying his 
intendment, discharged my petrionel in his bosom, and with these single 
arms my poor rapier ran violently upon the Moors that guarded the ordnance, 
and put 'hem pell-mell to the sword.

Wellbred	To the sword? To the rapier, Captain.

Ed. Kno'well	Oh, it was a good figure observed, sir! But did you all this, 
Captain, without hurting your blade?

Bobadill	Without any impeach, o' the earth: you shall perceive sir. [Shows 
his rapier] It is the most fortunate weapon that ever rid on gentleman's 
thigh: shall I tell you, sir? You talk of Morglay, Excalibur, Durindana, or 
so? Tut, I lend no credit to that is fabled of 'hem, I know the virtue of 
mine own, and therefore I dare the boldlier maintain it.

Stephen	I marle whether it be a Toledo or no?

Bobadill	A most perfect Toledo, I assure you, sir.

Stephen	I have a countryman of his, here.

Matthew	Pray you, let's see, sir: yes faith, it is!

Bobadill	This a Toledo? Pish.

Stephen	Why do you pish, Captain?

Bobadill	A Fleming, by heaven, I'll buy them for a guilder apiece, an I 
would have a thousand of them.

Ed. Kno'well	How say you, cousin? I told you thus much.

Wellbred	Where bought you it, Master Stephen?

Stephen	Of a scurvy rogue soldier - a hundred of lice go with him! He swore 
it was a Toledo.

Bobadill	A poor provant rapier, no better.

Matthew	Man, I think it be, indeed, now I look on't better.

Ed. Kno'well	Nay, the longer you look on't, the worse. Put it up, put it 
up.

Stephen	Well, I will put it up, but by - [Aside] I ha' forgot the Captain's 
oath, I thought to ha' sworn by it - an' ere I meet him -

Wellbred	Oh, it is past help now, sir, you must have patience.

Stephen	Whoreson coney-catching rascal! I could eat the very hilts for 
anger!

Ed. Kno'well	A sign of good digestion! You have an ostrich stomach, cousin.

Stephen	A stomach? Would I had him here, you should see an' I had a 
stomach.

Wellbred	It's better as 'tis: come, gentlemen, shall we go?

Enter BRAINWORM disguised as before

Ed. Kno'well	A miracle, cousin, look here! Look here!

Stephen	Oh, God's lid, by your leave, do you know me, sir?

Brainworm	Ay sir, I know you, by sight.

Stephen	You sold me a rapier, did you not?

Brainworm	Yes, marry, did I sir.

Stephen	You said, it was a Toledo, ha?

Brainworm	True, I did so.

Stephen	But, it is none?

Brainworm	No sir, I confess, it is none.

Stephen	Do you confess it? Gentlemen, bear witness, he has confessed it. By 
God's will, and you had not confessed it -

Ed. Kno'well	Oh cousin, forbear, forbear.

Stephen	Nay, I have done, cousin.

Wellbred	Why, you have done like a gentleman, he has confessed it, what 
would you more?

Stephen	Yes, by his leave, he is a rascal, under his favour, do you see?

Ed. Kno'well	[Aside to WELLBRED] Ay, by his leave, he is, and under favour: 
a pretty piece of civility! Sirrah, how dost thou like him?

Wellbred	Oh, it's a most precious fool, make much on him: I can compare him 
to nothing more happily than a drum; for everyone may play upon him.

Ed. Kno'well	No, no, a child's whistle were far the fitter.

Brainworm	Sir, shall I entreat a word with you.

They move apart

Ed. Kno'well	With me, sir? You have not another Toledo to sell, ha' you?

Brainworm	You are conceited, sir; your name is Master Kno'well, as I take 
it?

Ed. Kno'well	You are i' the right; you mean not to proceed in the 
catechism, do you?

Brainworm	No sir, I am none of that coat.

Ed. Kno'well	Of as bare a coat, though; well, say sir.

Brainworm	Faith sir, I am but servant to the drum extraordinary, and 
indeed, this smoky varnish being washed off, and three or four patches 
removed, I appear your worship's in reversion, after the decease of your 
good father, Brainworm.

Ed. Kno'well	Brainworm! 'Slight, what breath of a conjurer hath blown thee 
hither in this shape?

Brainworm	The breath o' your letter, sir, this morning: the same that blew 
you to the Windmill, and your father after you.

Ed. Kno'well	My father?

Brainworm	Nay, never start, 'tis true, he has followed you over the fields, 
by the foot, as you would do a hare i' the snow.

Ed. Kno'well	Sirrah, Wellbred, what shall we do sirrah? My father is come 
over, after me.

Wellbred	Thy father? Where is he?

Brainworm	At Justice Clement's house here in Coleman Street, where he but 
stays my return; and then -

Wellbred	Who's this? Brainworm?

Brainworm	The same, sir.

Wellbred	Why how, i' the name of wit com'st thou transmuted, thus?

Brainworm	Faith, a device, a device; nay, for the love of reason, 
gentlemen, and avoiding the danger, stand not here, withdraw, and I'll tell 
you all.

Wellbred	But, art thou sure he will stay thy return?

Brainworm	Do I live, sir? What a question is that?

Wellbred	We'll prorogue his expectation then, a little: Brainworm, thou 
shalt go with us. Come on, gentlemen. Nay, I pray thee, sweet Ned, droop 
not: 'heart, and our wits be so wretchedly dull that one old plodding brain 
can outstrip us all, would we were e'en pressed to make porters of, and 
serve out the remnant of our days in Thames Street, or at Custom House 
quay, in a civil war against the carmen.

Brainworm	Amen, amen, amen, say I.

Exeunt



Scene 2: The Old Jewry. Kitely's warehouse

Enter KITELY and CASH

Kitely	What says he, Thomas? Did you speak with him?

Cash	He says he will expect you, sir, within this half hour.

Kitely	Has he the money ready, can you tell?

Cash	Yes, sir, the money was brought in last night.

Kitely	Oh, that's well: fetch me my cloak, my cloak.

Exit CASH

Stay, let me see, an hour to go and come;
Ay, that will be the least: and then 'twill be
An hour before I can dispatch with him;
Or very near: well, I will say two hours.
Two hours? Ha? Things never dreamed of yet
May be contrived, ay, and effected too,
In two hours' absence: well, I will not go.
Two hours; no, fleering opportunity,
I will not give your subtlety that scope.
Who will not judge him worthy to be robbed,
That sets his doors wide open to a thief,
And shows the felon where his treasure lies?
Again, what earthy spirit but will attempt
To taste the fruit of beauty's golden tree,
When leaden sleep seals up the dragon's eyes?
I will not go. Business, go by, for once.
No, beauty, no; you are of too good caract
To be left so, without a guard, or open!
Your lustre too'll inflame, at any distance,
Draw courtship to you, as a jet doth straws,
Put motion in a stone, strike fire from ice,
Nay, make a porter leap you with his burden!
You must be then kept up, close, and well-watched,
For, give you opportunitv, no quicksand
Devours or swallows swifter! He that lends
His wife, if she be fair, or time, or place;
Compels her to be false. I will not go.
The dangers are too many. And, then, the dressing
Is a most main attractive! Our great heads,
Within the city, never were in safety
Since our wives wore these little caps: I'll change 'hem,
I'll change 'hem, straight, in mine. Mine shall no more
Wear three-piled acorns, to make my horns ache.
Nor will I go. I am resolved for that.

Enter CASH, with cloak

Carry' in my cloak again. Yet, stay. Yet, do too.
I will defer going, on all occasions.

Cash	Sir. Snare, your scrivener, will be there with th' bonds.

Kitely	That's true! Fool on me! I had clean forgot it,
I must go. What's a clock?

Cash	Exchange time, sir.

Kitely	[Aside] 'Heart, then will Wellbred presently be here, too,
With one or other of his loose consorts.
I am a knave, if I know what to say,
What course to take, or which way to resolve.
My brain, methinks, is like an hour-glass,
Wherein my' imaginations run like sands
Filling up time; but then are turned, and turned:
So that I know not what to stay upon,
And less to put in act. It shall be so.
Nay, I dare build upon his secrecy,
He knows not to deceive. - Thomas!

Cash	Sir.

Kitely	[Aside] Yet not, I have bethought me, too, I will not. -
Thomas, is Cob within?

Cash	I think he be, sir.

Kitely	[Aside] But he'll prate too, there's no speech of him.
No, there were no man o' the earth to Thomas,
If I durst trust him; there is all the doubt.
But, should he have a chink in him, I were gone,
Lost i' my fame for ever: talk for th' Exchange.
The manner he hath stood with, till this present,
Doth promise no such change! What should I fear then?
Well, come what will, I'll tempt my fortune, once. -
Thomas - you may deceive me, but, I hope -
Your love, to me, is more -

Cash	Sir, if a servant's
Duty, with faith, may be called love, you are
More than in hope, you are possessed of it.

Kitely	I thank you, heartily, Thomas; gi' me your hand:
With all my heart, Good Thomas. I have, Thomas,
A secret to impart, unto you - but
When once you have it, I must seal your lips up:
So far, I tell you, Thomas.

Cash	Sir, for that -

Kitely	Nay, hear me, out. Think, I esteem you, Thomas,
When I will let you in, thus, to my private.
It is a thing sits nearer to my crest
Than thou art ware of, Thomas. If thou should'st
Reveal it, but -

Cash	How? I reveal it?

Kitely	Nay,
I do not think thou would'st; but if thou should'st,
'Twere a great weakness.

Cash	A great treachery. Give it no other name.

Kitely	Thou wilt not do 't, then?

Cash	Sir, if I do, mankind disclaim me ever.

Kitely	[Aside] He will not swear, he has some reservation,
Some concealed purpose, and close meaning, sure:
Else, being urged so much, how should he choose
But lend an oath to all this protestation?
He's no precisian, that I am certain of.
Nor rigid Roman Catholic. He'll play
At fayles and tick-tack, I have heard him swear.
What should I think of it? Urge him again,
And by some other say? I will do so. -
Well, Thomas, thou hast sworn not to disclose;
Yes, you did swear?

Cash	Not yet, sir, but I will, Please you -

Kitely	No, Thomas, I dare take thy word.
But; if thou wilt swear, do, as thou think'st good;
I am resolved without it; at thy pleasure.

Cash	By my soul's safety then, sir, I protest.
My tongue shall ne'er take knowledge of a word
Delivered me in nature of your trust.

Kitely	It's too much, these ceremonies need not,
I know thy faith to be as firm as rock.
Thomas, come hither, near: we cannot be
Too private in this business. So it is -
[Aside] Now he has sworn, I dare the safelier venture -
I have of late, by divers observations -
[Aside] But whether his oath can bind him, yea, or no;
Being not taken lawfully? Ha? Say you?
I will ask counsel ere I do proceed -
Thomas, it will be now too late to stay,
I'll spy some fitter time soon, or tomorrow.

Cash	Sir, at your pleasure?

Kitely	I will think. And, Thomas,
I pray you search the books 'gainst my return,
For the receipts 'twixt me, and Traps.

Cash	I will, sir.

Kitely	And, hear you, if your mistress' brother, Wellbred,
Chance to bring hither any gentlemen,
Ere I come back; let one straight bring me word.

Cash	Very well, sir.

Kitely	To the Exchange; do you hear?
Or here in Coleman Street, to Justice Clement's.
Forget it not, nor be not out of the way.

Cash	I will not, sir.

Kitely	I pray you have a care on't.
Or whether he come, or no, if any other,
Stranger or else, fail not to send me word.

Cash	I shall not, sir.

Kitely	Be't your special business
Now, to remember it.

Cash	Sir. I warrant you.

Kitely	But, Thomas, this is not the secret, Thomas,
I told you of.

Cash	No, sir. I do suppose it.

Kitely	Believe me, it is not.

Cash	Sir. I do believe you.

Kitely	By heaven, it is not, that's enough. But, Thomas,
I would not you should utter it, do you see,
To any creature living, yet, I care not.
Well, I must hence. Thomas, conceive this much:
It was a trial of you when I meant
So deep a secret to you, I mean not this,
But that I have to tell you, this is nothing, this.
But, Thomas, keep this from my wife, I charge you,
Locked up in silence, midnight, buried here.
[Aside] No greater hell, than to be slave to fear.

Exit

Cash	"Locked up in silence, midnight, buried here."
Whence should this flood of passion, trow, take head? Ha?
Best dream no longer of this running humour,
For fear I sink! The violence of the stream
Already hath transported me so far
That I can feel no ground at all! But soft
Oh, 'tis our water-bearer: somewhat has crossed him, now.

Enter COB

Cob	Fasting days? What would you tell me of fasting days? 'Slid, would they 
were all on a light fire for me. They say the whole world shall be consumed 
with fire one day, but would I had these ember-weeks and villainous Fridays 
burnt in the meantime, and then -

Cash	Why, how now Cob, what moves thee to this choler? Ha?

Cob	Collar, Master Thomas? I scorn your collar, ay sir, I am none o' your 
cart-horse, though I carry and draw water. An' you offer to ride me, with 
your collar or halter either, I may hap show you a jade's trick, sir.

Cash	Oh, you'll slip your head out of the collar? Why, goodman Cob, you 
mistake me.

Cob	Nay, I have my rheum, and I can be angry as well as another, sir.

Cash	Thy rheum, Cob? Thy humour, thy humour? Thou mistak'st.

Cob	Humour? Mack, I think it be so, indeed: what is that humour? Some rare 
thing, I warrant.

Cash	Marry, I'll tell thee, Cob: it is a gentlemanlike monster, bred in the 
special gallantry of our time by affectation, and fed by folly.

Cob	How? Must it be fed?

Cash	Oh ay, humour is nothing if it be not fed. Didst thou never hear that? 
It's a common phrase, "Feed my humour."

Cob	I'll none on it: humour, avaunt, I know you not, begone. Let who will 
make hungry meals for your monstership, it shall not be I. Feed you, quoth 
he? 'Slid, I ha' much ado to feed myself; especially on these lean rascally 
days, too; and't had been any other day but a fasting day - a plague on 
them all for me - by this light, one might have done the commonwealth good 
service, and have drowned them all i' the flood, two or three hundred 
thousand years ago. Oh, I do stomach them hugely! I have a maw now, and 
'twere for Sir Bevis his horse, against 'hem.

Cash	I pray thee, good Cob, what makes thee so out of love with fasting 
days?

Cob	Marry, that which will make any man out of love with 'hem, I think: 
their bad conditions, and you will needs know. First, they are of a Flemish 
breed, I am sure on't, for they ravin up more butter than all the days of 
the week, beside; next, they stink of fish and leek-porridge miserably: 
thirdly, they'll keep a man devoutly hungry all day, and at night send him 
supperless to bed.

Cash	Indeed, these are faults, Cob.

Cob	Nay, and this were all, 'twere something, but they are the only known 
enemies to my generation. A fasting day no sooner comes, but my lineage 
goes to rack, poor cobs they smoke for it, they are made martyrs o' the 
gridiron, they melt in passion: and your maids too know this, and yet would 
have me turn Hannibal, and eat my own flesh and blood: my princely coz [He 
pulls out a red herring], fear nothing; I have not the heart to devour you, 
and I might be made as rich as King Cophetua. Oh, that I had room for my 
tears, I could weep salt water enough, now, to preserve the lives of ten 
thousand of my kin. But I may curse none but these filthy Almanacs, for an 
'twere not for them, these days of persecution would ne'er be known. I'll 
be hanged, an' some fishmonger's son do not make of 'hem; and puts in more 
fasting days than he should do, because he would utter his father's dried 
stock-fish and stinking conger.

Cash	'Slight, peace, thou'lt be beaten like a stock-fish, else: here is 
Master Matthew. Now must I look out for a messenger to my master.

Exit with COB

Enter WELLBRED, ED. KNO'WELL, BRAINWORM, BOBADILL, MATTHEW and STEPHEN

Wellbred	Beshrew me, but it was an absolute good jest, and exceedingly well 
carried!

Ed. Kno'well	Ay, and our ignorance maintained it as well, did it not?

Wellbred	Yes faith, but was't possible thou should'st not know him? I 
forgive Master Stephen, for he is stupidity itself!

Ed. Kno'well	'Fore God, not I, and I might have been joined patten with one 
of the seven wise masters, for knowing him. He had so writhen himself into 
the habit of one of your poor infantry, your decayed, ruinous, wormeaten 
gentlemen of the round, such as have vowed to sit on the skirts of the 
city, let your provost and his half-dozen of halbadiers do what they can; 
and have translated begging out of the old hackney pace to a fine easy 
amble, and made it run as smooth off the tongue as a shove-groat shilling. 
Into the likeness of one of these reformados had he moulded himself so 
perfectly, observing every trick of their action, as varying the accent, 
swearing with an emphasis, indeed all, with so special and exquisite a 
grace, that, hadst thou seen him, thou wouldst have sworn he might have 
been sergeant-major, if not lieutenant-colonel to the regiment.

Wellbred	Why, Brainworm, who would have thought thou hadst been such an 
artificer?

Ed. Kno'well	An artificer! An architect! Except a man had studied begging 
all his lifetime, and been a weaver of language from his infancy, for the 
clothing of it! I never saw his rival.

Wellbred	Where got'st thou this coat, I marle?

Brainworm	Of a Houndsditch man, sir. One of the devil's near kinsmen, a 
broker.

Wellbred	That cannot be, if the proverb hold; for a crafty knave needs no 
broker.

Brainworm	True sir, but I did need a broker, ergo.

Wellbred	Well put off - no crafty knave, you'll say.

Ed. Kno'well	Tut, he has more of these shifts.

Brainworm	And yet where I have one, the broker has ten, sir.

Enter CASH

Cash	Francis, Martin, ne'er a one to be found, now? What a spite's this?

Wellbred	How now, Thomas? Is my brother Kitely, within?

Cash	No sir, my master went forth e'en now: but Master Downright is within. 
Cob, what Cob! Is he gone too?

Wellbred	Whither went your master? Thomas, canst thou tell?

Cash	I know not, to Justice Clement's, I think, sir. Cob!

Exit CASH

Ed. Kno'well	Justice Clement, what's he?

Wellbred	Why, dost thou not know him? He is a city magistrate, a justice 
here, an excellent good lawyer and a great scholar; but the only mad, 
merry, old fellow in Europe! I showed him you the other day.

Ed. Kno'well	Oh, is that he? I remember him now. Good faith, and he has a 
very strange presence, methinks; it shows as if he stood out of the rank 
from other men: I have heard many of his jests i' the university. They say, 
he will commit a man for taking the wall of his horse.

Wellbred	Ay, or wearing his cloak of one shoulder, or serving of God: 
anything indeed, if it come in the way of his humour.

CASH goes in and out calling

Cash	Gasper, Martin, Cob! 'Heart, where should they be, trow?

Bobadill	Master Kitely's man, 'pray thee vouchsafe us the lighting of this 
match.

Cash	Fire on your match, no time but now to vouchsafe? Francis, Cob!

Bobadill	Body of me! Here's the remainder of seven pound, since yesterday 
was seven-night. 'Tis your right Trinidado! Did you never take any, Master 
Stephen?

Stephen	No truly, sir; but I'll learn to take it now, since you commend it 
so.

Bobadill	Sir, believe me, upon my relation, for what I tell you, the world 
shall not reprove. I have been in the Indies, where this herb grows, where 
neither myself nor a dozen gentlemen before, of my knowledge, have received 
the taste of any other nutriment in the world for the space of one and 
twenty weeks, but the fume of this simple only. Therefore, it cannot be but 
'tis most divine! Further, take it in the nature, in the true kind so, it 
makes an antidote, that, had you taken the most deadly poisonous plant in 
all Italy, it should expel it, and clarify you with as much ease as I 
speak. And, for your green wound, your Balsamum, and your St. John's wort 
are all mere gulleries, and trash to it, especially your Trinidado: your 
Nicotian is good too. I could say what I know of the virtue of it, for the 
expulsion of rheums, raw humours, crudities, obstructions, with a thousand 
of this kind; but I profess myself no quacksalver. Only, thus much, by 
Hercules, I do hold it, and will affirm it, before any prince in Europe, to 
be the most sovereign and precious weed that ever the earth tendered to the 
use of man.

Ed. Kno'well	This speech would ha' done decently in a tobacco-trader's 
mouth!

Enter CASH with COB

Cash	At Justice Clement's, he is: in the middle of Coleman Street.

Cob	Oh, oh!

Bobadill	Where's the match I gave thee? Master Kitely's man?

Cash	Would his match and he and pipe and all were at Santo Domingo! I had 
forgot it.

Exit

Cob	By God's me, I marle what pleasure or felicity they have in taking this 
roguish tobacco! It's good for nothing but to choke a man, and fill him 
full of smoke and embers: there were four died out of one house last week 
with taking of it, and two more the bell went for yesternight, one of them, 
they say, will ne'er scape it: he voided a bushel of soot yesterday, upward 
and downward. By the stocks, an' there were no wiser men than I, I'd have 
it present whipping, man or woman that should but deal with a tobacco-pipe; 
why, it will stifle them all in the end, as many as use it; it's little 
better than ratsbane or rosaker.

BOBADILL beats COB with a cudgel

All	Oh, good Captain, hold, hold.

Bobadill	You base cullion, you.

Enter CASH

Cash	Sir, here's your match. Come, thou must needs be talking, too, thou'rt 
well enough served.

Cob	Nay, he will not meddle with his match, I warrant you: well it shall be 
a dear beating, and I live.

Bobadill	Do you prate? Do you murmur?

Ed. Kno'well	Nay, good Captain, will you regard the humour of a fool? Away, 
knave.

Wellbred	Thomas, get him away.

Exit CASH with COB

Bobadill	A whoreson filthy slave, a dung-worm, an excrement! Body o' 
Caesar, but that I scorn to let forth so mean a spirit, I'd ha' stabbed him 
to the earth.

Wellbred	Marry, the law forbid, sir.

Bobadill	By Pharaoh's foot, I would have done it.

Stephen	[Aside] Oh, he swears admirably! By Pharaoh's foot! Body o' Caesar! 
I shall never do it, sure, upon mine honour, and by St. George, no, I ha' 
not the right grace.

Matthew	Master Stephen, will you any? By this air, the most divine tobacco 
that ever I drunk!

Stephen	None, I thank you, sir. Oh, this gentleman does it, rarely too! But 
nothing like the other. [MASTER STEPHEN is practising to the post] By this 
air, as I am a gentleman: by -

Brainworm	[Pointing at STEPHEN] Master, glance, glance! Master Wellbred!

Exeunt BOBADILL and MATTHEW

Stephen	As I have somewhat to be saved, I protest -

Wellbred	You are a fool: it needs no affidavit.

Ed. Kno'well	Cousin, will you any tobacco?

Stephen	I sir! Upon my reputation -

Ed. Kno'well	How now, cousin!

Stephen	I protest, as I am a gentleman, but no soldier, indeed -

Wellbred	No, Master Stephen? As I remember your name is entered in the 
Artillery Garden?

Stephen	Ay sir, that's true: cousin, may I swear, as I am a soldier, by 
that?

Ed. Kno'well	Oh yes, that you may. It's all you have for your money.

Stephen	Then, as I am a gentleman and a soldier, it is divine tobacco!

Wellbred	But soft, where's Master Matthew? Gone?

Brainworm	No, sir, they went in here.

Wellbred	Oh, let's follow them: Master Matthew is gone to salute his 
mistress in verse. We shall ha' the happiness to hear some of his poetry 
now. He never comes unfurnished. Brainworm?

Stephen	Brainworm? Where? Is this Brainworm?

Ed. Kno'well	Ay, cousin, no words of it, upon your gentility.

Stephen	Not I, body of me, by this air, St. George, and the foot of 
Pharaoh.

Wellbred	Rare! Your cousin's discourse is simply drawn out with oaths.

Ed. Kno'well	'Tis larded with 'hem. A kind of French dressing, if you love 
it.

Exeunt


Scene 3: Coleman Street. A room in Justice Clement's house

Enter KITELY and COB

Kitely	Ha? How many are there, sayest thou?

Cob	Marry sir, your brother, Master Wellbred.

Kitely	Tut, beside him: what strangers are there, man?

Cob	Strangers? Let me see, one, two; mass I know not well, there are so 
many.

Kitely	How? So many?

Cob	Ay, there's some five or six of them, at the most.

Kitely	[Aside] A swarm, a swarm,
Spite of the devil, how they sting my head
With forked stings, thus wide, and large! - But, Cob,
How long hast thou been coming hither, Cob?

Cob	A little while, sir.

Kitely	Didst thou come running?

Cob	No, sir.

Kitely	[Aside] Nay, then I am familiar with thy haste!
Bane to my fortunes: what meant I to marry?
I, that before was ranked in such content,
My mind at rest too, in so soft a peace,
Being free master of mine own free thoughts,
And now become a slave? What? Never sigh,
Be of good cheer, man: for thou art a cuckold,
'Tis done, 'tis done! Nay, when such flowing store,
Plenty itself falls in my wife's lap,
The cornucopiae will be mine, I know. - But, Cob,
What entertainment had they? I am sure
My sister and my wife would bid them welcome! Ha?

Cob	Like enough, sir, yet, I heard not a word of it.

Kitely	No: their lips were sealed with kisses, and the voice
Drowned in a flood of joy at their arrival,
Had lost her motion, state, and faculty.
Cob, which of them was't that first kissed my wife?
My sister, I should say. My wife, alas
I fear not her: ha? Who was it, say'st thou?

Cob	By my troth, sir, will you have the truth of it?

Kitely	Oh ay, good Cob: I pray thee, heartily.

Cob	Then, I am a vagabond, and fitter for Bridewell than your worship's 
company, if I saw anybody to be kissed, unless they would have kissed the 
post in the middle of the warehouse; for there I left them all at their 
tobacco, with a pox.

Kitely	How? Were they not gone in, then, ere thou cam'st?

Cob	Oh no, sir.

Kitely	Spite of the devil! What do I stay here, then? Cob, follow me.

Exit

Cob	Nay, soft and fair, I have eggs on the spit; I cannot go yet, sir. Now 
am I for some five and fifty reasons hammering, hammering revenge: oh, for 
three or four gallons of vinegar to sharpen my wits. Revenge: vinegar 
revenge: vinegar and mustard revenge; nay, and he had not lien in my house, 
'twould never have grieved me, but being my guest, one, that I'll be sworn, 
my wife has lent him her smock off her back while his one shirt has been at 
washing; pawned her neckerchers for clean bands for him; sold almost all my 
platters to buy him tobacco; and he to turn monster of ingratitude and 
strike his lawful host! Well, I hope to raise up an host of fury for't: 
here comes Justice Clement.

Enter CLEMENT, KNO'WELL and FORMAL

Clement	What's Master Kitely gone? Roger?

Formal	Ay, sir.

Clement	'Heart o' me! What made him leave us so abruptly? - How now, 
sirrah? What make you here? What would you have, ha?

Cob	And't please your worship, I am a poor neighbour of your worship's -

Clement	A poor neighbour of mine? Why, speak poor neighbour.

Cob	I dwell, sir, at the sign of the Water-tankard, hard by the Green 
Lattice: I have paid scot and lot there any time this eighteen years.

Clement	To the Green Lattice?

Cob	No, sir, to the parish: marry, I have seldom scaped scot-free at the 
Lattice.

Clement	Oh, well! What business has my poor neighbour with me?

Cob	And't like your worship, I am come to crave the peace of your worship.

Clement	Of me knave? Peace of me, knave? Did I e'er hurt thee? Or threaten 
thee? Or wrong thee? Ha?

Cob	No, sir, but your worship's warrant for one that has wronged me, sir: 
his arms are at too much liberty, I would fain have them bound to a treaty 
of peace, an' my credit could compass it with your worship.

Clement	Thou goest far enough about for't, I'm sure.

Kno'well	Why, dost thou go in danger of thy life for him, friend?

Cob	No sir; but I go in danger of my death every hour by his means: an' I 
die within a twelve-month and a day, I may swear by the law of the land 
that he killed me.

Clement	How? How knave? Swear he killed thee? And by the law? What 
pretence? What colour hast thou for that?

Cob	Marry, and't please your worship, both black, and blue; colour enough, 
I warrant you. I have it here, to show your worship. [Shows his bruises]

Clement	What is he that gave you this, sirrah?

Cob	A gentleman and a soldier, he says he is, o' the city here.

Clement	A soldier o' the city? What call you him?

Cob	Captain Bobadill.

Clement	Bobadill? And why did he bob and beat you, sirrah? How began the 
quarrel betwixt you: ha? Speak truly knave, I advise you.

Cob	Marry, indeed, and please your worship, only because I spake against 
their vagrant tobacco as I came by 'hem, when they were taking on't, for 
nothing else.

Clement	Ha? You speak against tobacco? Formal, his name.

Formal	What's your name, sirrah?

Cob	Oliver, sir, Oliver Cob, sir.

Clement	Tell Oliver Cob he shall go to the jail, Formal.

Formal	Oliver Cob, my master, Justice Clement, says, you shall go to the 
jail.

Cob	Oh, I beseech your worship, for God's sake, dear Master Justice.

Clement	Nay, God's precious: and such drunkards and tankards as you are, 
come to dispute of tobacco once; I have done! Away with him.

Cob	Oh, good Master Justice, sweet old gentleman.

Kno'well	Sweet Oliver, would I could do thee any good: Justice Clement, let 
me entreat you, sir.

Clement	What? A threadbare rascal! A beggar! A slave that never	drunk out 
of better than pisspot metal in his life! And he to	deprave and abuse the 
virtue of an herb so generally	received in the courts of princes, the 
chambers of nobles,	the bowers of sweet ladies, the cabins of soldiers! 
Roger, away with him, by God's precious - I say, go to.

Cob	Dear Master Justice; let me be beaten again, I have deserved it: but 
not the prison, I beseech you.

Kno'well	Alas, poor Oliver!

Clement	Roger, make him a warrant. He shall not go: I but fear the knave.

Formal	Do not stink, sweet Oliver, you shall not go, my master will give 
you a warrant.

Cob	Oh, the Lord maintain his worship, his worthy worship.

Clement	Away, dispatch him.

Exeunt FORMAL and COB

How now, Master Kno'well! In dumps? In dumps! Come, this becomes not.

Kno'well	Sir, would I could not feel my cares -

Clement	Your cares are nothing! They are like my cap, soon put on, and as 
soon put off. What? Your son is old enough to govern himself: let him run 
his course, it's the only way to make him a staid man. If he were an 
unthrift, a ruffian, a drunkard, or a licentious liver, then you had 
reason; you had reason to take care; but, being none of these, mirth's my 
witness, an' I had twice so many cares as you have, I'd drown them all in a 
cup of sack. Come, come, let's try it. I muse, your parcel of a soldier 
returns not all this while.

Exeunt


Act 4

Scene 1: A room in Kitely's house]

Enter DOWNRIGHT and DAME KITELY

Downright	Well sister, I tell you true: and you'll find it so, in the end.

Dame Kitely	Alas brother, what would you have me to do? I cannot help it: 
you see, my brother brings 'hem in here, they are his friends.

Downright	His friends? His fiends. 'Slud, they do nothing but haunt him up 
and down like a sort of unlucky sprites, and tempt him to all manner of 
villainy that can be thought of. Well, by this light, a little thing would 
make me play the devil with some of 'hem; and 'twere not more for your 
husband's sake than anything else, I'd make the house too hot for the best 
on 'hem: they should say, and swear, hell were broken loose ere they went 
hence. But, by God's will, 'tis nobody's fault but yours; for, an' you had 
done as you might have done, they should have been parboiled, and baked 
too, every mother's son, ere they should ha' come in, e'er a one of 'hem.

Dame Kitely	God's my life! Did you ever hear the like? What a strange man 
is this! Could I keep out all them, think you? I should put myself against 
half a dozen men, should I? Good faith, you'd mad the patient'st body in 
the world to hear you talk so, without any sense, or reason!

Enter MISTRESS BRIDGET, MASTER MATTHEW, and BOBADILL; followed, at a little 
distance by WELLBRED, STEPHEN, ED. KNO'WELL and BRAINWORM

Bridget	Servant, in troth, you are too prodigal
Of your wit's treasure thus to pour it forth
Upon so mean a subject as my worth?

Matthew	You say well, mistress; and I mean as well.

Downright	Hoy-day, here is stuff!

Wellbred	Oh, now stand close: pray heaven she can get him to read: he 
should do it of his own natural impudency.

Bridget	Servant, what is this same, I pray you?

Matthew	Marry, an elegy, an elegy, an odd toy -

Downright	To mock an ape withal. Oh, I could sew up his mouth, now.

Dame Kitely	Sister, I pray you let's hear it.

Downright	Are you rhyme-given, too?

Matthew	Mistress, I'll read it, if you please.

Bridget	Pray you do, servant.

Downright	Oh, here's no foppery! Death, I can endure the stocks better.

Exit

Ed. Kno'well	What ails thy brother? Can he not hold his water at reading of 
a ballad?

Wellbred	Oh, no; a rhyme to him is worse than cheese, or a bagpipe. But, 
mark, you lose the protestation.

Matthew	Faith, I did it in a humour; I know not how it is; but, please you 
come near, sir. This gentleman has judgement, he knows how to censure of a -
 pray you sir, you can judge.

Stephen	Not I, sir: upon my reputation, and by the foot of Pharaoh.

Wellbred	Oh, chide your cousin for swearing.

Ed. Kno'well	Not I, so long as he does not foreswear himself.

Bobadill	Master Matthew, you abuse the expectation of your dear mistress 
and her fair sister: fie, while you live, avoid this prolixity.

Matthew	I shall, sir: well, incipere dulce.

Ed. Kno'well	How! Insipere dulce? A sweet thing to be a fool, indeed.

Wellbred	What, do you take incipere in that sense?

Ed. Kno'well	You do not? You? This was your villainy, to gull him with a 
mot.

Wellbred	Oh, the benchers' phrase: pauca verba, pauca verba.

Matthew	Rare creature, let me speak without offence,
Would God my rude words had the influence
To rule thy thoughts, as thy fair looks do mine,
Then should'st thou be his prisoner, who is thine.

Ed. Kno'well	This is in Hero and Leander.

Wellbred	Oh, ay! Peace, we shall have more of this.

Matthew	Be not unkind and fair, misshapen stuff
Is of behaviour boisterous and rough.

Wellbred	How like you that, sir?

MASTER STEPHEN answers with shaking his head

Ed. Kno'well	'Slight, he shakes his head like a bottle, to feel and there 
be any brain in it!

Matthew	But observe the catastrophe, now,
And I in duty will exceed all other,
As you in beauty do excel love's mother.

Ed. Kno'well	Well, I'll have him free of the wit-brokers, for he utters 
nothing but stol'n remnants.

Wellbred	Oh, forgive it him.

Ed. Kno'well	A filching rogue? Hang him. And, from the dead? It's worse 
than sacrilege.

WELLBRED, ED. KNO'WELL and STEPHEN come forward


Wellbred	Sister, what ha' you here? Verses? Pray you, let's see. Who made 
these verses? They are excellent good!

Matthew	Oh, Master Wellbred, 'tis your disposition to say so sir. They were 
good i' the morning; I made 'hem, extempore, this morning.

Wellbred	How? Extempore?

Matthew	I would I might be hanged else; ask Captain Bobadill. He saw me 
write them at the - pox on it! - the Star, yonder.

Brainworm	Can he find in his heart to curse the stars, so?

Ed. Kno'well	Faith, his are even with him: they ha' cursed him enough 
already.

Stephen	Cousin, how do you like this gentleman's verses?

Ed. Kno'well	Oh, admirable! The best that ever I heard, coz!

Stephen	Body o' Caesar! They are admirable! The best, that ever I heard, as 
I am a soldier.

Enter DOWNRIGHT

Downright	I am vexed, I can hold ne'er a bone of me still! Heart! I think, 
they mean to build and breed here!

Wellbred	Sister, you have a simple servant here, that crowns your beauty 
with such encomiums and devices: you may see what it is to be the mistress 
of a wit that can make your perfections so transparent that every blear eye 
may look through them, and see him drowned over head and ears in the deep 
well of desire. Sister Kitely, I marvel you get you not a servant that can 
rhyme and do tricks, too.

Downright	Oh monster! Impudence itself! Tricks?

Dame Kitely	Tricks, brother? What tricks?

Bridget	Nay, speak, I pray you, what tricks?

Dame Kitely	Ay, never spare any body here; but say, what tricks?

Bridget	Passion of my heart! Do tricks?

Wellbred	'Slight, here's a trick vied, and revied! Why, you monkeys, you? 
What a caterwauling do you keep? Has he not given you rhymes and verses and 
tricks?

Downright	Oh, the fiend!

Wellbred	Nay, you - lamp of virginity, that take it in snuff so! Come, and 
cherish this tame "poetical fury," in your servant, you'll be begged else, 
shortly, for a concealment: go to, reward his muse. You cannot give him 
less than a shilling, in conscience, for the book he had it out of, cost 
him a teston, at least. How now, gallants? Master Matthew? Captain? What? 
All sons of silence? No spirit?

Downright	Come, you might practise your ruffian tricks somewhere else, and 
not here, I wuss; this is no tavern nor drinking-school, to vent your 
exploits in.

Wellbred	How now! Whose cow has calved?

Downright	Marry, that has mine, sir. Nay, boy, never look askance at me, 
for the matter; I'll tell you of it; aye, sir, you and your companions, 
mend yourselves, when I ha done.

Wellbred	My companions?

Downright	Yes sir, your companions, so I say. I am not afraid of you, nor 
them neither: your hang-byes here. You must have your poets and your 
potlings, your soldados, and foolados, to follow you up and down the city, 
and here they must come to domineer and swagger. Sirrah, you, ballad-
singer, and slops, your fellow there, get you out; get you home: or, by 
this steel, I'll cut off your ears, and that presently.

Wellbred	'Slight, stay, let's see what he dare do: cut off his ears? Cut a 
whetstone. You are an ass, do you see? Touch any man here, and by this 
hand, I'll run my rapier to the hilts in you.


Downright	Yea, that would I fain see, boy.

They all draw, and they of the house make out to part them

Dame Kitely	Oh Jesu! Murder. Thomas, Gaspar!

Bridget	Help, help, Thomas.

Enter CASH and SERVANTS

Ed. Kno'well	Gentlemen, forebear, I pray you.

Bobadill	Well, sirrah, you, Holofernes: by my hand, I will pink your flesh 
full of holes with my rapier for this; I will, by this good heaven!

They offer to fight again, and are parted

Nay, let him come, let him come, gentlemen, by the body of St. George, I'll 
not kill him.

Cash	Hold, hold, good gentlemen.

Downright	You whoreson, bragging coystril.

Enter KITELY

Kitely	Why, how now? What's the matter? What's the stir here? Whence 
springs this quarrel? Thomas! Where is he? Put up your weapons, and put off 
this rage. My wife and sister, they are the cause of this. - What, Thomas? 
Where is this knave?

Cash	Here, sir.

Wellbred	Come, let's go: this is one of my brother's ancient humours, this.

Stephen	I am glad, nobody was hurt by his ancient humour.

Exeunt WELLBRED, STEPHEN, ED. KNO'WELL, MATTHEW, BOBADILL and BRAINWORM

Kitely	Why, how now, brother, who enforced this brawl?

Downright	A sort of lewd rakehells, that care neither for God nor the 
devil! And, they must come here to read ballads and roguery and trash! I'll 
mar the knot of 'hem ere I sleep, perhaps: especially Bob, there: he that's 
all manner of -

Bridget	Brother, indeed, you are too violent,
Too sudden in your humour; and, you know
My brother Wellbred's temper will not bear
Any reproof, chiefiy in such a presence,
Where every slight disgrace he should receive
Might wound him in opinion and respect.

Downright	Respect? What talk you of respect 'mong such
As ha' nor spark of manhood nor good manners?
'Sdeins I am ashamed to hear you! Respect?

Exit

Bridget	Yes, there was one a civil gentleman,
And very worthily demeaned himself!

Kitely	Oh, that was some love of yours, sister!

Bridget	A love of mine? I would it were no worse, brother!
You'd pay my portion sooner, than you think for.

Dame Kitely	Indeed, he seemed to be a gentleman of an exceeding fair 
disposition, and of very excellent good parts!

Exeunt DAME KITELY and BRIDGET

Kitely	[Aside] Her love, by heaven! My wife's minion!
Fair disposition? Excellent good parts?
Death, these phrases are intolerable!
Good parts? How should she know his parts?
His parts? Well, well, well, well, well, well!
It is too plain, too clear. - Thomas, come hither.
What, are they gone?

Cash	Ay, sir, they went in.
My mistress, and your sister-

Kitely	Are any of the gallants within?

Cash	No, sir, they are all gone.

Kitely	Art thou sure of it?

Cash	I can assure you, sir.

Kitely	What gentleman was that they praised so, Thomas?

Cash	One, they call him Master Kno'well, a handsome young gentleman, sir.

Kitely	[Aside] Ay, I thought so: my mind gave me as much.
I'll die, but they have hid him i' the house,
Somewhere; I'll go and search. - Go with me, Thomas.
Be true to me, and thou shalt find me a master.

Exeunt


Scene 2: the lane before Cob's house

Enter COB

Cob	[Knocking] What Tib, Tib, I say!

Tib	[Within] How now, what cuckold is that knocks so hard?

She opens the door

Oh, husband, is't you? What's the news?

Cob	Nay, you have stunned me, i' faith! You ha' gi'en me a knock o' the 
forehead, will stick by me! Cuckold? 'Slid, cuckold?

Tib	Away, you fool, did I know it was you that knocked? Come, come, you may 
call me as bad, when you list.

Cob	May I? Tib, you are a whore.

Tib	You lie in your throat, husband.

Cob	How, the lie? And in my throat too? Do you long to be stabbed, ha?

Tib	Why, you are no soldier, I hope?

Cob	Oh, must you be stabbed by a soldier? Mass, that's true! When was 
Bobadill here? Your captain? That rogue, that foist, that fencing 
Burgullian? I'll tickle him, i' faith.

Tib	Why, what's the matter? Trow!

Cob	Oh, he has basted me, rarely, sumptuously! But I have it here in black 
and white, [Pulls out his warrant] for his black, and blue: shall pay him. 
Oh, the Justice! The honestest old brave Trojan in London! I do honour the 
very flea of his dog. A plague on him though, he put me once in a 
villainous filthy fear; marry, it vanished away, like the smoke of tobacco; 
but I was smoked soundly first. I thank the devil, and his good angel, my 
guest. Well, wife, or Tib - which you will - get you in, and lock the door, 
I charge you, let nobody in to you; wife, no body in, to you: those are my 
words. Not Captain Bob himself, nor the fiend in his likeness; you are a 
woman; you have flesh and blood enough in you to be tempted; therefore, 
keep the door shut upon all comers.

Tib	I warrant you, there shall nobody enter here without my consent.

Cob	Nor with your consent, sweet Tib; and so I leave you.

Tib	It's more than you know, whether you leave me so.

Cob	How?

Tib	Why, sweet.

Cob	Tut, sweet, or sour, thou art a flower, [Kissing her]
Keep close thy door, I ask no more.

Exeunt



Scene 3: a room in the Windmill Tavern

Enter ED. KNO'WELL, WELLBRED, STEPHEN and BRAINWORM disguised as before

Ed. Kno'well	Well, Brainworm, perform this business, happily, and thou 
makest a purchase of my love, forever.

Wellbred	I' faith, now let thy spirits use their best faculties. But, at 
any hand, remember the message to my brother; for there's no other means to 
start him.

Brainworm	I warrant you, sir, fear nothing: I have a nimble soul has waked 
all forces of my phant'sie, by this time, and put 'hem in true motion. What 
you have possessed me withal, I'll discharge it amply, sir. Make it no 
question.

Wellbred	Forth, and prosper, Brainworm.

Exit BRAINWORM

Faith, Ned, how dost thou approve of my abilities in this device?

Ed. Kno'well	Troth, well, howsoever; but it will come excellent, if it 
take.

Wellbred	Take, man? Why, it cannot choose but take, if the circumstances 
miscarry not; but, tell me, ingenuously, dost thou affect my sister 
Bridget, as thou pretend'st?

Ed. Kno'well	Friend, am I worth belief?

Wellbred	Come, do not protest. In faith, she is a maid of good ornament and 
much modesty; and, except I conceived very worthily of her, thou shouldest 
not have her.

Ed. Kno'well	Nay, that I am afraid will be a question yet, whether I shall 
have her, or no?

Wellbred	'Slid, thou shalt have her; by this light, thou shalt.

Ed. Kno'well	Nay, do not swear.

Wellbred	By this hand, thou shalt have her: I'll go fetch her, presently. 
Point but where to meet, and as I am an honest man I'll bring her.

Ed. Kno'well	Hold, hold, be temperate.

Wellbred	Why, by - what shall I swear by? Thou shalt have her, as I am -

Ed. Kno'well	'Pray thee, be at peace, I am satisfied. And do believe, thou 
wilt omit no offered occasion to make my desires complete.

Wellbred	Thou shalt see, and know, I will not.

Exeunt


Scene 4: the Old Jewry

Enter FORMAL and KNO'WELL

Formal	Was your man a soldier, sir?

Kno'well	Ay, a knave, I took him begging o' the way
This morning, as I came over Moorfields!
Oh, here he is! Yo' have made fair speed, believe me:
Where, i' the name of sloth, could you be thus -

Enter BRAINWORM, disguised as before

Brainworm	Marry, peace be my comfort, where I thought I should have had so 
little comfort of your worship's service.

Kno'well	How so?

Brainworm	Oh, sir! Your coming to the city, your entertainment of me, and 
your sending me to watch - indeed, all the circumstances either of your 
charge or my employment are as open to your son as to yourself!

Kno'well	How should that be? Unless that villain, Brainworm,
Have told him of the letter, and discovered
All that I strictly charged him to conceal? 'Tis so!

Brainworm	I am partly o' the faith 'tis so indeed.

Kno'well	But how should he know thee to be my man?

Brainworm	Nay, sir, I cannot tell; unless it be by the black art! Is not 
your son a scholar, sir?

Kno'well	Yes, but I hope his soul is not allied
Unto such hellish practices. If it were,
I had just cause to weep my part in him,
And curse the time of his creation.
But where didst thou find them, Fitzsword?

Brainworm	You should rather ask, where they found me, sir; for I'll be 
sworn I was going along in the street thinking nothing, when, of a sudden, 
a voice calls, "Master Kno'well's man!" another cries "Soldier!" and thus 
half a dozen of 'hem, till they had called me within a house where I no 
sooner came but they seemed men, and out flew all their rapiers at my 
bosom, with some three or fourscore oaths to accompany 'hem, and all to 
tell me I was but a dead man if I did not confess where you were, and how I 
was employed, and about what; which, when they could not get out of me - as 
I protest they must ha' dissected and made an anatomy o'me first, and so I 
told 'hem - they locked me up into a room i' the top of a high house, 
whence, by great miracle, having a light heart, I slid down by a bottom of 
packthread into the street, and so scaped. But, sir, thus much I can assure 
you, for I heard it while I was locked up, there were a great many rich 
merchants and brave citizens' wives with 'hem at a feast, and your son, 
Master Edward, withdrew with one of 'hem, and has pointed to meet her anon 
at one Cob's house, a water-bearer that dwells by the wall. Now, there, 
your worship shall be sure to take him, for there he preys, and fail he 
will not.

Kno'well	Nor, will I fail to break his match, I doubt not.
Go thou, along with Justice Clement's man,
And stay there for me. At one Cob's house, say'st thou?

Brainworm	Ay sir, there you shall have him.

Exit KNO'WELL

[Aside] Yes? Invisible? Much wench, or much son? 'Slight, when he has 
stayed there three or four hours, travailing with the expectation of 
wonders, and at length be delivered of air. Oh, the sport that I should 
then take, to look on him, if I durst! But now I mean to appear no more 
afore him in this shape. I have another trick to act yet. Oh, that I were 
so happy as to light on a nupson, now, of this Justice's novice. - Sir, I 
make you stay somewhat long.

Formal	Not a whit, sir. 'Pray you, what do you mean, sir?

Brainworm	I was putting up some papers -

Formal	You ha' been lately in the wars, sir, it seems.

Brainworm	Marry have I, sir, to my loss: and expense of all, almost -

Formal	Troth sir, I would be glad to bestow a pottle of wine o'you, if it 
please you to accept it -

Brainworm	Oh, sir -

Formal	But to hear the manner of your services, and your devices in the 
wars, they say they be very strange, and not like those a man reads in the 
Roman histories, or sees at Mile End.

Brainworm	No, I assure you, sir, why, at any time when it please you I 
shall be ready to discourse to you all I know: [Aside] and more too, 
somewhat.

Formal	No better time than now, sir; we'll go to the Windmill: there we 
shall have a cup of neat grist, we call it. I pray you, sir, let me request 
you to the Windmill.

Brainworm	I'll follow you, sir, [Aside] and make grist o' you, if I have 
good luck.



Scene 5: Moorfields

Enter MATTHEW, ED. KNO'WELL, BOBADILL and STEPHEN

Matthew	Sir, did your eyes ever taste the like clown of him, where we were 
today, Master Wellbred's half-brother? I think the whole earth cannot show 
his parallel, by this daylight.

Ed. Kno'well	We were now speaking of him: Captain Bobadill tells me he is 
fall'n foul o' you, too.

Matthew	Oh, ay, sir, he threatened me with the bastinado.

Bobadill	Ay, but I think I taught you prevention this morning, for that - 
You shall kill him, beyond question: if you be so generously minded.

Matthew	Indeed, it is a most excellent trick! [Fences]

Bobadill	Oh, you do not give spirit enough to your motion; you are too 
tardy, too heavy! Oh, it must be done like lightning, hay? [He practises at 
a post]

Matthew	Rare Captain!

Bobadill	Tut, 'tis nothing, and't be not done in a punto!

Ed. Kno'well	Captain, did you ever prove yourself upon any of our masters 
of defence, here?

Matthew	Oh, good sir! Yes, I hope, he has.

Bobadill	I will tell you, sir. Upon my first coming to the city, after my 
long travail, for knowledge - in that mystery only - there came three or 
four of 'hem to me, at a gentleman's house, where it was my chance to be 
resident at that time, to entreat my presence at their schools, and withal 
so much importuned me that - I protest to you as I am a gentleman - I was 
ashamed of their rude demeanour, out of all measure. Well, I told 'hem that 
to come to a public school, they should pardon me, it was opposite, in 
diameter, to my humour, but, if so they would give their attendance at my 
lodging, I protested to do them what right or favour I could, as I was a 
gentleman, and so forth.

Ed. Kno'well	So, sir, then you tried their skill?

Bobadill	Alas, soon tried! You shall hear, sir. Within two or three days 
after, they came; and, by honesty, fair, sir, believe me, I graced them 
exceedingly, showed them some two or three tricks of prevention, have 
purchased 'hem since a credit to admiration! They cannot deny this; and yet 
now they hate me, and why? Because I am excellent, and for no other vile 
reason on the earth.

Ed. Kno'well	This is strange, and barbarous! As ever I heard!

Bobadill	Nay, for a more instance of their preposterous natures but note, 
sir: they have assaulted me some three, four, five, six of them together, 
as I have walked alone in divers skirts i' the town, as Turnbull, 
Whitechapel, Shoreditch, which were then my quarters, and since upon the 
Exchange, at my lodging, and at my ordinary: where I have driven them afore 
me the whole length of a street, in the open view of all our gallants, 
pitying to hurt them, believe me. Yet all this lenity will not o'ercome 
their spleen: they will be doing with the pismire, raising a hill, a man 
may spurn abroad, with his foot, at pleasure. By myself, I could have slain 
them all, but I delight not in murder. I am loath to bear any other than 
this bastinado for 'hem; yet, I hold it good polity not to go disarmed, for 
though I be skilful, I may be oppressed with multitudes.

Ed. Kno'well	Ay, believe me, may you sir; and, in my conceit, our whole 
nation should sustain the loss by it, if it were so.

Bobadill	Alas, no: what's a peculiar man to a nation? Not seen.

Ed. Kno'well	Oh, but your skill, sir!

Bobadill	Indeed, that might be some loss; but who respects it? I will tell 
you, sir, by the way of private, and under seal; I am a gentleman, and live 
here obscure, and to myself; but, were I known to Her Majesty and the Lords 
- observe me - I would undertake, upon this poor head and life, for the 
public benefit of the state, not only to spare the entire lives of her 
subjects in general, but to save the one half, nay, three parts of her 
yearly charge, in holding war, and against what enemy soever. And, how 
would I do it, think you?

Ed. Kno'well	Nay, I know not, nor can I conceive.

Bobadill	Why thus, sir. I would select nineteen more, to myself, throughout 
the land: gentlemen they should be of good spirit, strong, and able 
constitution. I would choose them by an instinct, a character, that I have; 
and I would teach these nineteen the special rules, as your punto, your 
reverso, your stoccata, your imbroccata, your passada, your montanto, till 
they could all play very near, or altogether as well as myself. This done, 
say the enemy were forty thousand strong, we twenty would come into the 
field, the tenth of March, or thereabouts, and we would challenge twenty of 
the enemy; they could not, in their honour, refuse us. Well, we would kill 
them: challenge twenty more, kill them; twenty more, kill them; twenty 
more, kill them too; and thus would we kill every man, his twenty a day, 
that's twenty score; twenty score, that's two hundred; two hundred a day, 
five days a thousand; forty thousand; forty times five, five times forty, 
two hundred days kills them all up, by computation. And this, will I 
venture my poor gentlemanlike carcass to perform - provided there be no 
treason practised upon us - by fair and discreet manhood, that is, civilly 
by the sword.

Ed. Kno'well	Why, are you so sure of your hand, Captain, at all times?

Bobadill	Tut, never miss thrust, upon my reputation with you.

Ed. Kno'well	I would not stand in Downright's state, then, an' you meet 
him, for the wealth of any one street in London.

Bobadill	Why, sir, you mistake me! If he were here now, by this welkin, I 
would not draw my weapon on him! Let this gentleman do his mind; but I will 
bastinado him, by the bright sun, wherever I meet him.

Matthew	Faith, and I'll have a fling at him, at my distance.

Ed. Kno'well	God's so', look, where he is: yonder he goes.

DOWNRIGHT walks over the stage

Downright	What peevish luck have I, I cannot meet with those bragging 
rascals?

Exit

Bobadill	It's not he? Is it?

Ed. Kno'well	Yes faith, it is he.

Matthew	I'll be hanged, then, if that were he.

Ed. Kno'well	Sir, keep your hanging good for some greater matter, for I 
assure you that was he.

Stephen	Upon my reputation, it was he.

Bobadill	Had I thought it had been he, he must not have gone so; but I can 
hardly be induced to believe it was he, yet.

Ed. Kno'well	That I think, sir.

Enter DOWNRIGHT

But see, he is come again!

Downright	Oh, Pharaoh's foot, have I found you? Come, draw, to your tools: 
draw, gipsy, or I'll thrash you.

Bobadill	Gentleman of valour, I do believe in thee, hear me -

Downright	Draw your weapon, then.

Bobadill	Tall man, I never thought on it till now - body of me - I had a 
warrant of the peace served on me even now as I came along, by a water-
bearer; this gentleman saw it, Master Matthew.

Downright	'Sdeath, you will not draw, then?

He beats him, and disarms him
MATTHEW runs away

Bobadill	Hold, hold, under thy favour, forbear.

Downright	Prate again, as you like this, you whoreson foist, you. You'll 
control the point, you? Your consort is gone? Had he stayed, he had shared 
with you, sir.

Exit

Bobadill	Well, gentlemen, bear witness, I was bound to the peace by this 
good day.

Ed. Kno'well	No faith, it's an ill day, Captain, never reckon it other; but 
say you were bound to the peace, the law allows you to defend yourself: 
that'll prove but a poor excuse.

Bobadill	I cannot tell, sir. I desire good construction in fair sort. I 
never sustained the like disgrace, by heaven, sure I was struck with a 
planet thence, for I had no power to touch my weapon.

Ed. Kno'well	Ay, like enough, I have heard of many that have been beaten 
under a planet: go, get you to a surgeon.

Exit BOBADILL

'Slid, an' these be your tricks, your passadas, and your montantos, I'll 
none of them. Oh, manners! That this age should bring forth such creatures! 
That nature should be at leisure to make' hem! Come, coz.

Stephen	Mass, I'll ha' this cloak.

Ed. Kno'well	God's will, 'tis Downright's.

Stephen	Nay, it's mine now, another might have ta'en it up, as well as I. 
I'll wear it, so I will.

Ed. Kno'well	How! an' he see it, he'll challenge it, assure yourself.

Stephen	Ay, but he shall not ha' it. I'll say, I bought it.

Ed. Kno'well	Take heed you buy it not too dear, coz.

Exeunt



Scene 6: a room in Kitely's house

Enter KITELY, WELLBRED, DAME KITELY, and BRIDGET

Kitely	Now, trust me brother, you were much to blame,
T' incense his anger, and disturb the peace
Of my poor house, where there are sentinels
That every minute watch to give alarms
Of civil war, without adjection
Of your assistance or occasion.

Wellbred	No harm done, brother, I warrant you: since there is no harm done. 
Anger costs a man nothing; and a tall man is never his own man till he be 
angry. To keep his valour in obscurity is to keep himself, as it were, in a 
cloak-bag. What's a musician unless he play? What's a tall man unless he 
fight? For, indeed, all this my wise brother stands upon absolutely, and 
that made me fall in with him so resolutely.

Dame Kitely	Ay, but what harm might have come of it, brother?

Wellbred	Might, sister? So might the good warm clothes your husband wears 
be poisoned, for anything he knows: or the wholesome wine he drunk, even 
now, at the table -

Kitely	[Aside] Now, God forbid: Oh me. Now, I remember,
My wife drunk to me, last; and changed the cup;
And bade me wear this cursed suit today.
See, if heavn' suffer murder undiscovered!
[Aloud] I feel me ill; give me some mithridate,
Some mithridate and oil, good sister, fetch me;
Oh, I am sick at heart! I burn, I burn.
If you will save my life, go, fetch it me.

Wellbred	Oh, strange humour! My very breath has poisoned him.

Bridget	Good brother, be content, what do you mean? The strength of these 
extreme conceits will kill you.

Dame Kitely	Beshrew your heart-blood, brother Wellbred, now,
For putting such a toy into his head.

Wellbred	Is a fit simile a toy? Will he be poisoned with a simile? Brother 
Kitely, what a strange and idle imagination is this? For shame, be wiser. 
Oh my soul, there's no such matter.

Kitely	Am I not sick? How am I then not poisoned? Am I not poisoned? How am 
I then so sick?

Dame Kitely	If you be sick, your own thoughts make you sick.

Wellbred	His jealousy is the poison he has taken.

BRAINWORM enters disguised like Justice Clement's man Formal

Brainworm	Master Kitely, my master, Justice Clement, salutes you, and 
desires to speak with you with all possible speed.

Kitely	No time but now? When I think I am sick? Very sick! Well, I will 
wait upon his worship. - Thomas! Cob! [Aside] I must seek them out, and set 
'hem sentinels till I return. - Thomas! Cob! Thomas!

Exit

Wellbred	[Takes BRAINWORM aside] This is perfectly rare, Brainworm! But how 
got'st thou this apparel of the Justice's man?

Brainworm	Marry, sir, my proper fine pen-man would needs bestow the grist 
o' me at the Windmill, to hear some martial discourse; where so I 
marshalled him that I made him drunk with admiration! And, because, too 
much heat was the cause of his distemper, I stripped him stark naked as he 
lay along asleep, and borrowed his suit to deliver this counterfeit message 
in, leaving a rusty armour and an old brown bill to watch him till my 
return, which shall be when I ha' pawned his apparel, and spent the better 
part o' the money, perhaps.

Wellbred	Well, thou art a successful merry knave, Brainworm; his absence 
will be a good subject for more mirth. I pray thee, return to thy young 
master, and will him to meet me and my sister Bridget at the Tower 
instantly; for here, tell him, the house is so stored with jealousy there 
is no room for love to stand upright in. We must get our fortunes committed 
to some larger prison, say; and than the Tower I know no better air; nor 
where the liberty of the house may do us more present service. Away.

Exit BRAINWORM
Enter KITELY, CASH following

Kitely	Come hither, Thomas. Now my secret's ripe,
And thou shalt have it: lay to both thine ears.
Hark what I say to thee. I must go forth, Thomas.
Be careful of thy promise, keep good watch,
Note every gallant, and observe him well,
That enters in my absence to thy mistress:
If she would show him rooms, the jest is stale;
Follow 'hem, Thomas, or else hang on him,
And let him not go after; mark their looks;
Note, if she offer but to see his band,
Or any other amorous toy about him;
But praise his leg; or foot; or if she say
The day is hot, and bid him feel her hand
How hot it is; Oh, that's a monstrous thing!
Note me all this, good Thomas, mark their sighs,
And, if they do but whisper, break 'hem off:
I'll bear thee out in it. Wilt thou do this?
Will thou be true, my Thomas?

Cash	As truth's self, sir.

Kitely	Why, I believe thee. Where is Cob, now? Cob!

Exit

Dame Kitely	He's ever calling for Cob! I wonder, how he employs Cob, so!

Wellbred	Indeed, sister, to ask how he employs Cob is a necessary question 
for you, that are his wife, and a thing not very easy for you to be 
satisfied in. But this I'll assure you, Cob's wife is an excellent bawd, 
sister, and oftentimes your husband haunts her house - marry, to what end I 
cannot altogether accuse him: imagine you what you think convenient. But I 
have known fair hides have foul hearts, ere now, sister.

Dame Kitely	Never said you truer than that, brother; so much I can tell you 
for your learning. Thomas, fetch your cloak and go with me, I'll after him 
presently.

Exit CASH

I would to fortune, I could take him there, i' faith. I'd return him his 
own, I warrant him.

Exit

Wellbred	So, let 'hem go. This may make sport anon. Now, my fair sister-in-
law, that you knew, but how happy a thing it were to be fair, and 
beautiful?

Bridget	That touches not me, brother.

Wellbred	That's true; that's even the fault of it; for, indeed, beauty 
stands a woman in no stead, unless it procure her touching. But, sister, 
whether it touch you or no it touches your beauties; and I am sure they 
will abide the touch; an' they do not, a plague of all ceruse, say I: and 
it touches me too, in part, though not in the - Well, there's a dear and 
respected friend of mine, sister, stands very strongly and worthily 
affected toward you, and hath vowed to inflame whole bonfires of zeal at 
his heart in honour of your perfections. I have already engaged my promise 
to bring you where you shall hear him confirm much more. Ned Kno'well is 
the man, sister. There's no exception against the party. You are ripe for a 
husband; and a minute's loss to such an occasion is a great trespass in a 
wise beauty. What say you, sister? On my soul he loves you. Will you give 
him the meeting?

Bridget	Faith, I had very little confidence in mine own constancy, brother, 
if I durst not meet a man; but this motion of yours savours of an old 
knight-adventurer's servant a little too much, methinks.

Wellbred	What's that, sister?

Bridget	Marry, of the squire.

Wellbred	No matter if it did, I would be such an one for my friend - but 
see! who is returned to hinder us?

Enter KITELY

Kitely	What villainy is this? Called out on a false message?
There was some plot! I was not sent for. Bridget,
Where's your sister?

Bridget	I think she be gone forth, sir.

Kitely	How! Is my wife gone forth? Whither, for God's sake?

Bridget	She's gone abroad with Thomas.

Kitely	Abroad with Thomas? Oh, that villain dors me.
He hath discovered all unto my wife!
Beast that I was to trust him: whither, I pray you,
Went she?

Bridget	I know not, sir.

Wellbred	I'll tell you, brother,
Whither I suspect she's gone.

Kitely	Whither, good brother?

Wellbred	To Cob's house, I believe; but, keep my counsel.

Kitely	I will, I will: to Cob's house? Doth she haunt Cob's?
She's gone a' purpose, now, to cuckold me
With that lewd rascal, who, to win her favour,
Hath told her all.

Exit

Wellbred	Come, he's once more gone.
Sister, let's lose no time; th' affair is worth it.

Exeunt


Scene 7: a street

Enter MATTHEW and BOBADILL

Matthew	I wonder, Captain, what they will say of my going away? Ha?

Bobadill	Why, what should they say? But as of a discreet gentleman? Quick, 
wary, respectful of nature's fair lineaments: and that's all.

Matthew	Why, so. But what can they say of your beating?

Bobadill	A rude part, a touch with soft wood, a kind of gross battery used, 
laid on strongly, borne most patiently: and that's all.

Matthew	Ay, but, would any man have offered it in Venice, as you say?

Bobadill	Tut, I assure you, no. You shall have there your Nobilis, your 
Gentilezza, come in bravely upon your reverse, stand you close, stand you 
firm, stand you fair, save your retricato with his left leg, come to the 
asalto with the right, thrust with brave steel, defy your base wood! But, 
wherefore do I awake this remembrance? I was fascinated, by Jupiter, 
fascinated; but I will be unwitched, and revenged by law.

Matthew	Do you hear? Is't not best to get a warrant, and have him arrested 
and brought before Justice Clement.

Bobadill	It were not amiss, would we had it.

Enter BRAINWORM, disguised as FORMAL

Matthew	Why, here comes his man, let's speak to him.

Bobadill	Agreed, do you speak.

Matthew	Save you, sir.

Brainworm	With all my heart, sir.

Matthew	Sir, there is one Downright hath abused this gentleman and myself, 
and we determine to make our amends by law; now, if you would do us the 
favour to procure a warrant to bring afore your master, you shall be well 
considered, I assure you, sir.

Brainworm	Sir, you know my service is my living, such favours as these, 
gotten of my master, is his only preferment, and therefore you must 
consider me, as I may make benefit of my place.

Matthew	How is that, sir?

Brainworm	Faith, sir, the thing is extraordinary, and the gentleman may be 
of great account, yet, be what he will, if you will lay me down a brace of 
angels in my hand, you shall have it, otherwise not.

Matthew	How shall we do, Captain? He asks a brace of angels - you have no 
money?

Bobadill	Not a cross, by fortune.

Matthew	Nor I, as I am a gentleman, but twopence, left of my two shillings 
in the morning for wine and radish: let's find him some pawn.

Bobadill	Pawn? We have none to the value of his demand.

Matthew	Oh, yes. I'll pawn this jewel in my ear, and you may pawn your silk 
stockings, and pull up your boots, they will ne'er be missed: it must be 
done, now.

Bobadill	Well, an' there be no remedy, I'll step aside, and pull 'hem

Matthew	Do you hear, sir? We have no store of money at this time, but you 
shall have good pawns: look you, sir, this jewel and that gentleman's silk 
stockings, because we would have it dispatched ere we went to our chambers.

Brainworm	I am content, sir; I will get you the warrant presently. What's 
his name, say you? Downright?

Matthew	Ay, ay, George Downright.

Brainworm	What manner of man is he?

Matthew	A tall big man, sir; he goes in a cloak, most commonly, of silk 
russet, laid about with russet lace.

Brainworm	'Tis very good, sir.

Matthew	Here, sir, here's my jewel.

Bobadill	And, here are stockings.

Brainworm	Well, gentlemen, I'll procure you this warrant presently, but who 
will you have to serve it?

Matthew	That's true, Captain: that must be considered.

Bobadill	Body o' me, I know not! 'Tis service of danger!

Brainworm	Why, you were best get one o' the varlets o' the city, a 
sergeant. I'll appoint you one, if you please.

Matthew	Will you, sir? Why, we can wish no better.

Bobadill	We'll leave it to you, sir.

Exeunt BOBADILL and MATTHEW

Brainworm	This is rare! Now will I go pawn this cloak of the Justice's 
man's at the brokers, for a varlet's suit, and be the varlet myself; and 
get either more pawns or more money of Downright for the arrest.

Exit



Scene 8: The Lane before Cob's House

Enter KNO'WELL

Kno'well	Oh, here it is, I am glad: I have found it now. Ho! Who is within, 
here?

Knock COB'S door

Tib	[Within] I am within sir, what's your pleasure?

Kno'well	To know who is within, besides yourself.

Tib	Why, sir, you are no constable, I hope?

Kno'well	Oh! Fear you the constable? Then I doubt not
You have some guests within deserve that fear,
I'll fetch him straight.

TIB opens

Tib	O' God's name, sir.

Kno'well	Go to. Come, tell me, is not young Kno'well, here?

Tib	Young Kno'well? I know none such, sir, o' mine honesty!

Kno'well	Your honesty? Dame, it flies too lightly from you:
There is no way but fetch the constable.

Tib	The constable? The man is mad, I think.

Exit. Slams the door
Enter DAME KITELY and CASH

Cash	Ho, who keeps house, here?

Kno'well	Oh, this is the female copesmate of my son?
Now shall I meet him straight.

Dame Kitely	Knock, Thomas, hard.

Cash	Ho, good wife?

TIB opens door a crack

Tib	Why, what's the matter with you?

Dame Kitely	Why, woman, grieves it you to ope' your door?
Belike you get something to keep it shut.

Tib	What mean these questions, 'pray ye?

Dame Kitely	So strange you make it? Is not my husband here?

Kno'well	Her husband!

Dame Kitely	My tried husband, Master Kitely.

Tib	I hope he needs not to be tried here.

Dame Kitely	No, dame, he does it not for need, but pleasure.

Tib	Neither for need nor pleasure is he here.

Kno'well	This is but a device to baulk me withal.

Enter KITELY, muffled in his cloak

Soft, who is this? 'Tis not my son, disguised?

Dame Kitely	[She spies her husband come: and runs to him]
Oh, sir, have I forestalled your honest market?
Found your close walks? You stand amazed, now, do you?
I' faith, I am glad, I have smoked you yet at last!
Where is your jewel trow? In, come, let's see her - 
Fetch forth your housewife, dame - if she be fairer,
In any honest judgement, than myself,
I'll be content with it; but, she is change,
She feeds you fat, she soothes your appetite,
And you are well? Your wife, an honest woman,
Is meat twice sod to you, sir? Oh, you treachour!

Kno'well	She cannot counterfeit thus plausibly.

Kitely	Out on thy more than strumpet's impudence!
Steal'st thou thus to thy haunts? And have I taken
Thy bawd and thee, and thy companion,
[Pointing to KNO'WELL]
This hoary-headed lecher, this old goat,
Close at your villainy, and would'st thou 'scuse it
With this stale harlot's jest, accusing me?
[To him] Oh, old incontinent, dost not thou shame,
When all thy powers in chastity is spent,
To have a mind so hot? And to entice
And feed th' enticements of a lustful woman?

Dame Kitely	Out, I defy thee, I, dissembling wretch!

Kitely	Defy me, strumpet. [Indicates CASH] Ask they pandar, here,
Can he deny it? Or that wicked elder?

Kno'well	Why, hear you, sir.

Kitely	Tut, tut, tut: never speak.
Thy guilty conscience will discover thee.

Kno'well	What lunacy is this, that haunts this man?

Kitely	Well, good wife B-A-'-D, Cob's wife; and you,
That make your husband such a hoddy-doddy;
And you, young apple-squire; and old cuckold-maker;
I'll ha' you every one before a justice.
Nay, you shall answer it; I charge you go.

Kno'well	Marry, with all my heart, sir; I go willingly.
Though I do taste this as a trick put on me
To punish my impertinent search; and justly:
And half forgive my son for the device.

Kitely	Come, will you go?

Dame Kitely	Go? To thy shame, believe it.

Enter COB

Cob	Why, what's the matter here? What's here to do?

Kitely	Oh, Cob, art thou come? I have been abused,
And i' thy house. Never was man so, wronged!

Cob	'Slid, in my house? My Master Kitely? Who wrongs you in my house?

Kitely	Marry, young lust in old; and old in young, here:
Thy wife's their bawd, here have I taken 'hem.

Cob	How? Bawd? Is my house come to that? Am I preferred thither?

He falls upon his wife and beats her

Did I charge you to keep your doors shut, Is'bel? And do you let 'hem open 
for all comers?

Kno'well	Friend, know some cause before thou beat'st thy wife,
This's madness, in thee.

Cob	Why? Is there no cause?

Kitely	Yes, I'll show cause before the Justice, Cob:
Come, let her go with me.

Cob	Nay, she shall go.

Tib	Nay, I will go. I'll see an' you may be allowed to make a bundle o' 
hemp o' your right and lawful wife thus, at every cuckoldly knave's 
pleasure. Why do you not go?

Kitely	A bitter quean. Come, we'll ha' you tamed.

Exeunt



Scene 9: A Street

Enter BRAINWORM disguised as a city-sergeant

Brainworm	Well, of all my disguises yet, now am I most like myself: being 
in this sergeant's gown. A man of my present profession never counterfeits 
till he lays hold upon a debtor, and says, he rests him; for then he brings 
him to all manner of unrest. A kind of little kings we are, bearing the 
diminutive of a mace, made like a young artichoke, that always carries 
pepper and salt in itself. Well, I know not what danger I undergo by this 
exploit; pray heaven, I come well off.

Enter MATTHEW and BOBADILL

Matthew	See, I think, yonder is the varlet, by his gown.

Bobadill	Let's go in quest of him.

Matthew	'Save you, friend, are you not here by appointment of Justice 
Clement's man?

Brainworm	Yes, an't please you, sir: he told me two gentlemen had willed 
him to procure a warrant from his master, which I have about me, to be 
served on one Downright.

Matthew	It is honestly done of you both; and see where the party comes you 
must arrest: serve it upon him quickly, afore he be aware - 

Bobadill	Bear back, Master Matthew.

Enter STEPHEN in Downright's cloak

Brainworm	Master Downright, I arrest you i' the Queen's name, and must 
carry you afore a justice, by virtue of this warrant.

Stephen	Me, friend? I am no Downright, I. I am Master Stephen, you do not 
well to arrest me, I tell you, truly: I am in nobody's bonds nor books, I, 
would you should know it. A plague on you heartily for making me thus 
afraid afore my time.

Brainworm	Why, now are you deceived, gentlemen?

Bobadill	He wears such a cloak, and that deceived us: but see, here a 
comes, indeed! This is he, officer.

Enter DOWNRIGHT

Downright	Why, how now, signior gull! Are you turned filcher of late? Come, 
deliver my cloak.

Stephen	Your cloak, sir? I bought it, even now, in open market.

Brainworm	Master Downright, I have a warrant I must serve upon you, 
procured by these two gentlemen.

Downright	These gentlemen? These rascals! [Raises his cudgel]

Brainworm	Keep the peace, I charge you, in her Majesty's name.

Downright	I obey thee. What must I do, officer?

Brainworm	Go before Master Justice Clement, to answer what they can object 
against you, sir. I will use you kindly, sir.

Matthew	Come, let's before, and make the Justice, Captain - 

Bobadill	The varlet's a tall man! Afore heaven!

Exeunt MATTHEW and BOBADILL

Stephen	Sir, I bought it, and I'll keep it.

Downright	You will.

Stephen	Ay, that I will.

Downright	Officer, there's thy fee, arrest him.

Brainworm	Master Stephen, I must arrest you.

Stephen	Arrest me, I scorn it. There, take your cloak, I'll none on't.

Downright	Nay, that shall not serve your turn, now, sir. Officer, I'll go 
with thee to the Justice's: bring him along.

Stephen	Why, is not here your cloak? What would you have?

Downright	I'll ha' you answer it, sir.

Brainworm	Sir, I'll take your word; and this gentleman's, too, for his 
appearance.

Downright	I'll ha' no words taken. Bring him along.

Brainworm	Sir, I may choose to do that: I may take bail.

Downright	'Tis true, you may take bail, and choose at another time: but you 
shall not, now, varlet. Bring him along, or I'll swinge you. [Raises 
cudgel]

Brainworm	Sir, I pity the gentleman's case. Here's your money again.

Downright	'Sdeins, tell not me of my money, bring him away, I say.

Brainworm	I warrant you he will go with you of himself, sir.

Downright	Yet more ado?

Brainworm	[Aside] I have made a fair rnash on't.

Stephen	Must I go?

Brainworm	I know no remedy, Master Stephen.

Downright	Come along, afore me, here. I do not love your hanging look 
behind.

Stephen	Why, sir, I hope you cannot hang me for it. Can he, fellow?

Brainworm	I think not, sir. It is but a whipping matter, sure.

Stephen	Why, then, let him do his worst, I am resolute.

Exeunt



Act 5

Scene 1: Coleman Street. a hall in Justice Clement's house

Enter CLEMENT, KNO'WELL, KITELY, DAME KITELY, TIB, CASH, COB and SERVANTS

Clement	Nay, but stay, stay, give me leave - my chair, sirrah. You, Master 
Kno'well, say you went thither to meet your son.

Kno'well	Ay, sir.

Clement	But who directed you thither?

Kno'well	That did mine own man, sir.

Clement	Where is he?

Kno'well	Nay, I know not, now; I left him with your clerk: and appointed 
him to stay here for me.

Clement	My clerk? About what time was this?

Kno'well	Marry, between one and two, as I take it.

Clement	And what time came my man with the false message to you, Master 
Kitely?

Kitely	After two, sir.

Clement	Very good; but, Mistress Kitely, how that you were at Cob's?

Dame Kitely	An' please you, sir, I'll tell you. My brother, Wellbred, told 
me that Cob's house was a suspected place - 

Clement	So it appears, methinks - but, on.

Dame Kitely	And that my husband used thither, daily.

Clement	No matter, so he used himself well, mistress.

Dame Kitely	True sir, but you know what grows by such haunts, often times.

Clement	I see rank fruits of a jealous brain, Mistress Kitely; but did you 
find your husband there, in that case, as you suspected?

Kitely	I found her there, sir.

Clement	Did you so? That alters the case. Who gave you knowledge of your 
wife's being there.

Kitely	Marry, that did my brother Wellbred.

Clement	How? Wellbred first tell her? Then tell you, after? Where is 
Wellbred?

Kitely	Gone with my sister, sir, I know not whither.

Clement	Why, this is a mere trick, a device; you are gulled in this most 
grossly, all! Alas, poor wench, wert thou beaten for this?

Tib	Yes, most pitifully, and't please you.

Cob	And worthily, I hope, if it shall prove so.

Clement	Ay, that's like, and a piece of a sentence.

Enter a SERVANT

How now, sir? What's the matter?

Servant	Sir, there's a gentleman i' the court without, desires to speak 
with your worship.

Clement	A gentleman? What's he?

Servant	A soldier, sir, he says.

Clement	A soldier? Take down my armour, my sword, quickly: a soldier speak 
with me! Why, when knaves? [He arrns himself] Come on, come on, hold my cap 
there, so; give me my gorget, my sword. Stand by, I will end your matters, 
anon - Let the soldier enter.

Enter BOBADILL and MATTHEW
Exit SERVANT

Now, sir what ha you to say to me?

Bobadill	By your worship's favour - 

Clement	Nay, keep out, sir, I know not your pretence; you send me word, 
sir, you are a soldier; why, sir, you shall be answered, here, here be them 
have been amongst soldiers. Sir, your pleasure.

Bobadill	Faith, sir, so it is, this gentleman and myself have been most 
uncivilly wronged and beaten by one Downright, a coarse fellow, about the 
town, here, and for mine own part, I protest, being a man in no sort given 
to this filthy humour of quarrelling, he hath assaulted me in the way of my 
peace, despoiled me of mine honour, disarmed me of my weapons, and rudely 
laid me along in the open streets when I not so much as once offered to 
resist him.

Clement	Oh, God's precious! Is this the soldier? Here, take my armour off 
quickly, 'twill make him swoon, I fear; he is not fit to look on't, that 
will put up a blow.

Matthew	An't please your worship, he was bound to the peace.

Clement	Why, and he were, sir, his hands were not bound, were they?

Enter SERVANT

Servant	There's one of the varlets of the city, sir, has brought two 
gentlemen, her: one, upon your worship's warrant.

Clement	My warrant?

Servant	Yes, sir. The officer says procured by these two.

Clement	Bid him come in.

Exit SERVANT

Set by this picture.

Enter DOWNRIGHT, STEPHEN and BRAINWORM disguised as a city sergeant

What, Master Downright! Are you brought at Master Freshwater's suit, here?

Downright	I' faith, sir. And here's another brought at my suit.

Clement	What are you, sir?

Stephen	A gentleman, sir. Oh, uncle!

Clement	Uncle? Who? Master Kno'well.

Kno'well	Ay, sir! This is a wise kinsman of mine.

Stephen	God's my witness, uncle, I am wronged here monstrously, he charges 
me with stealing of his cloak, and would I might never stir if I did not 
find it in the street, by chance.

Downright	Oh, did you find it, now? You said, you bought it, erewhile.

Stephen	And you said I stole it; nay, now my uncle is here, I'll do well 
enough, with you.

Clement	Well, let this breathe a while; you, that have cause to complain, 
there, stand forth: had you my warrant for this gentleman's apprehension?

Bobadill	Ay, an't please your worship.

Clement	Nay, do not speak in passion so: where had you it?

Bobadill	Of your clerk, sir.

Clement	That's well! An' my clerk can make warrants, and my hand not at 
'hem! Where is the warrant? Officer, have you it?

Brainworm	No, sir, your worship's man, Master Formal, bid me do it, for 
these gentlemen, and he would be my discharge.

Clement	Why, Master Downright, are you such a novice to be served, and 
never see the warrant?

Downright	Sir. He did not serve it on me.

Clement	No? How then?

Downright	Marry, sir, he came to me and said he must serve it, and he would 
use me kindly, and so - 

Clement	Oh, God's pity, was it so, sir? He must serve it? Give me my long-
sword there, and help me off; so. Come on, sir varlet, I must cut off your 
legs, sirrah.

BRAINWORM kneels; he flourishes over him with his long-sword

Nay, stand up, I'll use you kindly; I must cut off your legs, I say.

Brainworm	[Kneeling again] Oh, good sir, I beseech you; nay, good Master 
Justice.

Clement	I must do it; there is no remedy. I must cut off your legs, sirrah, 
I must cut off your ears, you rascal, I must do it; I must cut off your 
nose, I must cut off your head.

Brainworm	Oh, good your worship.

Clement	Well, rise, how dost thou do, now? Dost thou feel thyself well? 
Hast thou no harm?

Brainworm	No, I thank your good worship, sir.

Clement	Why, so! I said, I must cut off thy legs, and I must cut off thy 
arms, and I must cut off thy head; but I did not do it: so, you said you 
must serve this gentleman with my warrant, but you did not serve him. You 
knave, you slave, you rogue, do you say you must? Sirrah, away with him to 
the jail, I'll teach you a trick for your must, sir.

Brainworm	Good sir, I beseech you, be good to me.

Clement	Tell him he shall to the jail, away with him, I say.

Brainworm	Nay, sir, if you will cornmit me, it shall be for committing more 
than this: I will not lose, by my travail, any grain of my fame certain.

Throws off his disguise

Clement	How is this!

Kno'well	My man, Brainworm!

Stephen	Oh yes, uncle. Brainworm has been with my cousin Edward and I all 
this day.

Clement	I told you all there was some device!

Brainworm	Nay, excellent Justice, since I have laid myself thus open to 
you, now stand strong for me; both with your sword and your balance.

Clement	Body o' me, a merry knave! Give me a bowl of sack: if he belong to 
you, Master Kno'well, I bespeak your patience.

Brainworm	That is it I have most need of. Sir, if you'll pardon me, only; 
I'll glory in all the rest of my exploits.

Kno'well	Sir, you know I love not to have my favours come hard from me. You 
have your pardon; though I suspect you shrewdly for being of counsel with 
my son against me.

Brainworm	Yes, faith, I have, sir; though you retained me doubly this 
morning, for yourself: first, as Brainworm; after, as Fitzsword. I was your 
reformed soldier, sir. 'Twas I sent you to Cob's upon the errand without 
end.

Kno'well	Is it possible! Or that thou should'st disguise thy language so, 
as I should not know thee?

Brainworm	Oh, sir, this has been the day of my metamorphosis! It is not 
that shape alone that I have run through today. I brought this gentleman, 
Master Kitely, a message too, in the form of Master Justice's man, here, to 
draw him out o' the way, as well as your worship: while Master Wellbred 
might make a conveyance of Mistress Bridget to my young master.

Kitely	How! My sister stol'n away?

Kno'well	My son is not married, I hope!

Brainworm	Faith, sir, they are both as sure as love, a priest, and three 
thousand pound, which is her portion, can make 'hem: and by this time are 
ready to bespeak their wedding supper at the Windmill, except some friend, 
here, prevent 'hem, and invite 'hem home.

Clement	Marry, that will I. I thank thee for putting me in rnind on't. 
Sirrah, go you, and fetch 'hem hither, upon my warrant. Neither's friends 
have cause to be sorry if I know the young couple, aright. Here, I drink to 
thee, for thy good news. But, I pray thee, what hast thou done with my man 
Formal?

Brainworm	Faith, sir, after some ceremony past, as making him drunk, first 
with story and then with wine - but all in kindness - and stripping him to 
his shirt, I left him in that cool vain, departed, sold your worship's 
warrant to these two, pawned his livery for that varlet's gown, to serve it 
in; and thus have brought myself, by my activity, to your worship's 
consideration.

Clement	And I will consider thee in another cup of sack. Here's to thee, 
which having drunk off, this is my sentence. Pledge me: thou hast done, or 
assisted to nothing, in my judgement, but deserves to be pardoned for the 
wit o' the offence. If thy master, or any man here, be angry with thee, I 
shall suspect his ingine, while I know him for't. How now? What noise is 
that?

Enter SERVANT

Servant	Sir, it is Roger come home.

Clement	Bring him in, bring him in.

Enter FORMAL in a suit of armour

What! Drunk, in arms against me? Your reason, your reason for this.

Formal	I beseech your worship to pardon me. I happened into ill company by 
chance, that cast me into a sleep, and stripped me of all my clothes - 

Clement	Well, tell him I am Justice Clement, and do pardon him; but what is 
this to your armour! What may that signify?

Formal	And't please you, sir, it hung up i' the room where I was stripped; 
and I borrowed it of one o' the drawers, to come home in, because I was 
loath to do penance through the street i' my shirt.

Clement	Well, stand by a while.

Enter ED. KNO'WELL, WELLBRED, and BRIDGET

Who be these? Oh, the young company, welcome, welcome. Gi' you joy. Nay, 
Mistress Bridget, blush not; you are not so fresh a bride, but the news of 
it is come hither afore you. Master Bridegroom, I ha' made your peace, give 
me your hand: so will I for all the rest, ere you forsake my roof.

Ed. Kno'well	We are the more bound to your humanity, sir.

Clement	Only, these two have so little of man in 'hem, they are no part of 
my care.

Wellbred	Yes, sir, let me pray you for this gentleman, he belongs to my 
sister the bride.

Clement	In what place, sir?

Wellbred	Of her delight, sir, below the stairs, and in public: her poet, 
sir.

Clement	A poet? I will challenge him myself, presently, at extempore.
Mount up thy Phlegon muse, and testify
How Saturn, sitting in an ebon cloud,
Disrobed his podex white as ivory,
And through the welkin thundered all aloud.

Wellbred	He is not for extempore, sir; he is all for the pocket-muse. 
Please you command a sight of it.

Clement 	Yes, yes, search him for a taste of his vein.

They search MATTHEW's pockets

Wellbred	You must not deny the Queen's Justice, sir, under a writ o' 
rebellion.

Clement	What! All this verse? Body o' me, he carries a whole realm, a 
commonwealth of paper, in's hose! Let's see some of his subjects!

Unto the boundless Ocean of thy face,
Runs this poor river charged with streams of eyes.

How? This is stol'n.

Ed. Kno'well	A parody! A parody! With a kind of miraculous gift to make it 
absurder than it was.

Clement	Is all the rest, of this batch? Bring me a torch; lay it together, 
and give fire. Cleanse the air. Here was enough to have infected the whole 
city if it had not been taken in time! See, see, how our Poet's glory 
shines! Brighter and brighter! Still it increases! Oh, now it's at the 
highest: and now it declines as fast. You may see. Sic transit gloria 
mundi.

Kno'well	There's an emblem for you, son, and your studies!

Clement	Nay, no speech, or act of mine be drawn against such, as profess it 
worthily. They are not born every year, as an alderman. There goes more to 
the making of a good poet than a sheriff, Master Kitely. You look upon me! 
Though I live i' the city here, amongst you, I will do more reverence to 
him, when I meet him, than I will to the major out of his year. But, these 
paper-pedlars! These ink-dabblers! They cannot expect reprehension or 
reproach. They have it with the fact.

Ed. Kno'well	Sir, you have saved me the labour of a defence.

Clement	It shall be discourse for supper; between your father and me, if he 
dare undertake me. But, to dispatch away these, you sign o' the soldier and 
picture o' the poet, but both so false, I will not ha' you hanged out at my 
door till midnight - while we are at supper, you two shall penitently fast 
it in my court, without; and, if you will, you may pray there that we may 
be so merry within as to forgive or forget you when we come out. Here's a 
third, because we tender your safety, shall watch you, he is provided for 
the purpose. Look to your charge, sir.

Stephen	And what shall I do?

Clement	Oh, I had lost a sheep, an he had not bleated! Why, sir, you shall 
give Master Downright his cloak: and I will entreat him to take it. A 
trencher and a napkin you shall have, i' the buttery, and keep Cob and his 
wife company, here; whom I will entreat first to be reconciled: and you to 
endeavour with your wit to keep 'hem so.

Stephen	I'll do my best.

Cob	Why, now I see thou art honest, Tib, I receive thee as my dear and 
mortal wife again.

Tib	And I you, as my loving and obedient husband.

Clement	Good complement! It will be their bridal night, too. They are 
married anew. Come, I conjure the rest to put off all discontent. You, 
Master Downright, your anger; you, Master Kno'well, your cares; Master 
Kitely and his wife, their jealousy.
"For, I must tell you both, while that is fed,
Horns i' the mind are worse than o' the head."

Kitely	Sir, thus they go from me, kiss me, sweetheart.

"See what a drove of horns fly in the air,
Winged with my cleansed, and my credulous breath!
Watch 'hem, suspicious eyes, watch, where they fall.
See, see! On heads, that think they've none at all!
Oh, what a plenteous world of this will come!
When air rains horns, all may be sure of some."

I ha' learned so much verse out of a jealous man's part in a play.

Clement	'Tis well, 'tis well! This night we'll dedicate to friendship, 
love, and laughter. Master bridegroom, take your bride, and lead; every 
one, a fellow. Here is my mistress - Brainworm! To whom all my addresses of 
courtship shall have their reference. Whose adventures, this day, when our 
grandchildren shall hear to be made a fable, I doubt not but it shall find 
both spectators and applause.