This document was compiled and edited by Ray White, February 2019.

$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at which time it will be worth absolutely nothing. – Lazarus Long, ‘Time Enough for Love’

(1) Always hire a rich attorney
(2) Never buy from a rich salesman.

– Goldenstern’s Rules

(1) Anyone can make a decision given enough facts.
(2) A good manager can make a decision without enough facts.
(3) A perfect manager can operate in perfect ignorance.

(1) Everything depends.
(2) Nothing is always.
(3) Everything is sometimes.

1. I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.
2. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won’t make you cry.
3. Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.
4. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
5. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can’t have them.
6. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.
7. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
8. Don’t waste your time on a man / woman, who isn’t willing to waste their time on you.
9. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.
10. Don’t cry because it is over, smile because it happened.
11. There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.
12. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.
13. Don’t try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.

(1) If it’s green or it wiggles, it’s biology.
(2) If it stinks, it’s chemistry.
(3) If it doesn’t work, it’s physics.

(1) If you like it, they don’t have it in your size.
(2) If you like it and it’s in your size, it doesn’t fit anyway.
(3) If you like it and it fits, you can’t afford it.
(4) If you like it, it fits and you can afford it, it falls apart the first time you wear it.

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn’t interest me how experienced you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain! I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it. I want to know if you can be with JOY, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore be trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty even when it is not pretty everyday, and if you can source your life on the edge of the lake and shout the silver of the full moon.
It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children.
It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Oriah Mountain Dream, Indian Elder

(1) Never draw what you can copy.
(2) Never copy what you can trace.
(3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.

(1) The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your keys.
(2) You will reach it just in time to hear the click of the caller hanging up.

(1) Things will get worse before they get better.
(2) Who said things would get better?

– Ehrman’s Commentary

42: The answer to life, the universe, and everything. – Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Universe

640K should be enough for anybody. – Bill Gates, 1981

A ‘No’ uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a ‘Yes’ merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble. – Mahatma Ghandi

A ‘critic’ is a man who creates nothing and thereby feels qualified to judge the work of creative men. There is logic in this; he is unbiased – he hates all creative people equally.

A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. – Thomas Ybarra

A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men favoured by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter facts of life in bandages of self-illusion. – H L Mencken

A Law of Computer Programming: Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you will find the programmers cannot write in English.

A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and the police. – Mr. Dooley

A Place For Everything And Everything In Its Place.
And the letters APFEAEIIP spell ‘good housekeeping’ in Fijiian.

A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling by Mark Twain

For example, in Year 1 that useless letter ‘c’ would be dropped to be replased either by ‘k’ or ‘s’, and likewise ‘x’ would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which ‘c’ would be retained would be the ‘ch’ formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform ‘w’ spelling, so that ‘which’ and ‘one’ would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish ‘y’ replasing it with ‘i’ and Iear 4 might fiks the ‘g/j’ anomali wonse and for all. Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez ‘c’, ‘y’ and ‘x’ – bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez – tu riplais ‘ch’, ‘sh’, and ‘th’ rispektivli. Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.

A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere, is having fun.

A Roman divorced from his wife, being highly blamed by his friends, who demanded, ‘Was she not chaste? Was she not fair? Was she not fruitful?’ holding out his shoe, asked them whether it was not new and well made. Yet, added he, none of you can tell where it pinches me. – Plutarch

A University without students is like an ointment without a fly. – Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin

A baby is God’s opinion that the world should go on. – Carl Sandburg

A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no responsibility at the other.

A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce. – Don Quinn

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. – Mark Twain

A beautiful woman is a picture which drives all beholders nobly mad. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

A benevolent man extends his love from those that he loves to those he does not love.
A ruthless man extends his ruthlessness from those he does not love to those he loves.

– Mencius (372 - 288 BC), a disciple of Confucius

A billion here, a couple of billion there – first thing you know it adds up to be real money. – Senator Everett McKinley Dirksen

A bird in the bush can’t relieve itself in your hand.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. – Newton’s little-known Seventh Law

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. – Miguel de Cervantes

A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring. – Ambrose Bierce

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. – Groucho Marx

A body at rest tends to watch television.

A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you.

A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have enlightened him with ours.

A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.

A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.

A chance to rediscover the profound wisdom of those who have made the difficult journey through this life before us; those who, like our Lord Jesus Christ, taught us that this life is but one passing phase of our existence and that reality lies within each one of us. – Charles, Prince of Wales, Millennium speech

A child miseducated is a child lost. – John F Kennedy

A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five.

A child will not spill on a dirty floor.

A city is a large community where people are lonesome together – Herbert Prochnow

A clash of doctrine is not a disaster, it is an opportunity.

A classic is something that everyone wants to have read and nobody wants to read. – Mark Twain, ‘The Disappearance of Literature’

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such a speed, if feels an impulsion… this is the place to go now. But the sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will know, too, when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons. – Messiah’s Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul

A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours. – Milton Berle

A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies, scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom. – Parkinson

A common-sense interpretation of the facts suggest that a superintellect has monkeyed with the physics, as well as with chemistry and biology, and that there are no blind forces worth speaking about in nature. – Sir Fred Hoyle

A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth. – R Stallman

A company is known by the men it keeps.

A compliment is something like a kiss through a veil. – Victor Hugo

A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as twenty men working twenty years.

A computer, to print out a fact,
Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
But this output can be
No more than debris,
If the input was short of exact.

– Gigo

A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.

A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done. – Fred Allen

A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time. – Alfred E Wiggam

A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run. – Elbert Hubbard

A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk. – Franklin D Roosevelt

A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.

A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home.

A consultation process is what some authority sets in motion preparatory to doing what it intended all along. – Keith Waterhouse

A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper. – Dyer

A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the damned things is ample. – Rebecca West

A country man between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. – Benjamin Franklin

A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a couple of hours in the library. – Westheimer’s Discovery

A crisis is when you can’t say ‘let’s forget the whole thing’.

A cultural snob is someone who claims to be familiar with the incomprehensible. – Stravinsky

A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern. – Edgar A Shoaff

A day for firm decisions! Or is it?

A day without sunshine is like night.

A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she’d look stout in a fur coat.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. – Ogden Nash

A dozen, a gross and a score,
Plus three times the square root of four,
Divided by seven,
Plus five times eleven,
Equals nine squared plus zero, no more!

A drug is that substance which, when injected into a rat, will produce a scientific report.

A fair exterior is a silent recommendation. – Publilius Syrus

A famous lawyer found himself at heaven’s gates confronting St. Peter. He protested that it was all a mistake: he was only 49 and far too young to be dead. That’s odd, said St. Peter, according to the hours you’ve billed you’re 119 years old.

A fanatic is one who can’t change his mind and won’t change the subject. – Winston Churchill

A fav’rite has no friend! – Gray

A fool’s brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education. – George Bernard Shaw

A fool and his money are invited places.

A fool and his money are soon elected. – Will Rogers

A fool and his money soon go partying.

A fool must now and then be right by chance.

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

A fox is wolf who sends flowers. – Ruth Weston

A free agent is anything but.

A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular. – Adlai Stevenson

A friend in need is a pest indeed.

A friend in need, is a friend indeed. – English proverb

A friend is a present you give yourself. – Robert Louis Stevenson

A friend may well be reckoned the masterpiece of Nature. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

A good lawyer is a great liar. – Edward Ward

A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow. – Patton

A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the hope of greening the landscape of idea. – John Ciardi

A good reputation is more valuable than money. – Publilius Syrus

A good scientific theory should be explicable to a barmaid. – Ernest Rutherford

A goodly apple rotten at the heart:
O, what a goodly outside falsehood hath!

– William Shakespeare

A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself. – Lisa Kirk

A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. – William James

A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest man a century.

A great writer is, so to speak, a second government in his country. And for that reason no regime has ever loved great writers, only minor ones. – Alexander Solzhenitsyn

A hammer sometimes misses its mark – a bouquet never.

A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity.

A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse. – William Shakespeare, ‘Henry VI’

A hug is the perfect gift - one size fits all, and nobody minds if you exchange it.

A hundred thousand lemmings can’t be wrong!

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. – Robert Frost

A key to the understanding of all religions is that a God’s idea of a good time is a game of Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs.

A kind of Batman of contemporary letters. – Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess

A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.

A lawsuit has been called a method of extracting half of a debt by demanding double the payment.

A lawyer’s job is secure:who would build a robot to do nothing?

A lawyer but not a thief, Such a thing is beyond belief – 14th century rhyme

A lawyer is a liar with a permit to practice.

A leader is best if people barely know that she exists. – Lao Tzu

A liar should have a good memory. – Quintilian

A liberal is someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist.

A lie never lives to be old. – Sophocles

A lifetime isn’t nearly long enough to figure out what it’s all about.

A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility. – Aristotle

A limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I’ve seen
So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.

A little hard work may not kill me, but why take chances?

A little humility is arrogance.

A little ignorance can go a long way.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation. – H H Munroe

A little learning is a dangerous thing;
Drink deep, or taste not the Pierian spring:
There shallow draughts intoxicate the brain,
And drinking largely sobers us again.

– Alexander Pope

A long memory is the most subversive idea in America.

A lost life

A philosopher chap called
Jean Paul,
Said that life on this planet
was all,
He has recently died,
So unless he lied,
His thoughts mean
nothing at all.

– ‘Dipole’ in IEE newspaper

A lot of fellows nowadays have a BA, MD, or PhD. Unfortunately, they don’t have a JOB. – ‘Fats’ Domino

A lot of what appears to be progress is just so much technological rococo.

A man’s best friend is his dogma.

A man’s fate lies in his own heart.

A man’s gotta know his limitations. – Clint Eastwood, ‘Dirty Harry’

A man’s house is his castle. – Sir Edward Coke

A man fell off a mountain and, as he fell, saw a branch and grabbed for it. By superhuman effort he was able to get a precarious grip on it. As he was hanging there for dear life, he looked up and cried out,
‘Is anybody there?’
A deep majestic voice answered,
‘Yes my son, I am here. What do you need?’
‘Help me!!’ cried the man.
‘I will help you’, said the voice, ‘Just let go of the branch and you’ll be safe. All you have to do is trust.’
The man thought for a moment and cried out:
‘Anybody ELSE up there?’

A man forgives only when he is in the wrong. A woman forgives always.

A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles in the road. – Alexander Smith

A man may be so much of everything that he is nothing of anything. – Samuel Johnson

A man may well bring a horse to the water, but he cannot make him drink with he will. – John Heywood

A man of genius makes no mistakes. His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery. – James Joyce, ‘Ulysses’

A man of quality does not fear a woman seeking equality.

A man said to the Universe:
‘Sir, I exist!’
‘However,’ replied the Universe,
‘the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation.’

– Stephen Crane

A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either. – Soren Kierkegaard

A man who dies without a will has lawyers for his heirs.

A man with one watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.

A man would still do something out of sheer perversity - he would create destruction and chaos - just to gain his point… and if all this could in turn be analysed and prevented by predicting that it would occur, then man would deliberately go mad to prove his point. – Feodor Dostoyevsky, ‘Notes From the Underground’

A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.

A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.

A medal glitters but also casts a shadow – Winston Churchill

A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.

A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer. – Dean Acheson

A mind not to be chang’d by place or time.
The mind is its own place, and in itself
Can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.

– Milton

A mistake is evidence someone has done something.

A moral, sensible, and well-bred man
Will not affront me, – and no other can.

– Cowper

A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes. – Frost

A motion to adjourn is always in order.

A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.

A much-talking judge is like an ill-tuned cymbal. - Francis Bacon

A mushroom cloud has no silver lining.

A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. ‘Well, it’s quite nice,’ he replied, but don’t you think it would be better if…’
‘If what?’ asked the composer.
‘If… if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?’

A musician, an artist, an architect: the man or woman who is not one of these is not a Christian. – William Blake

A narcissist is anyone better-looking than you. – Gore Vidal

A nation which fails in the present to value its past will impoverish its future. – Reverend K Thom

A neighbour came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. ‘It is out on loan,’ the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed loudly inside the stable. ‘But I can hear it bray, over there.’ ‘Whom do you believe,’ asked Nasrudin, ‘me or a donkey?’

A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary. Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a round tuit now has no excuse for further procrastination.

A novice was trying to fix a broken Lisp machine by turning the power off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly: ‘You can not fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding of what is going wrong.’ Knight turned the machine off and on. The machine worked.

A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what’s going on. – William S Burroughs

A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the pants.

A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space. – Gloria Steinem

A penny saved is ridiculous.

A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages, who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be! – Thackeray

A person forgives only when they are in the wrong.

A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.

A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely called a liberal.

A person who is religiously enlightened appears to me to be one who has, to the best of his abilities, liberated himself from the fetters of his selfish desires and is preoccupied with thoughts, feelings and aspirations to which he clings because of their supra-personal value. – Albert Einstein

A person who turns green has eschewed protein.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist. – Elbert Hubbard

A pessimist is an optimist with experience.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty – Winston Churchill

A physician’s ability is inversely proportional to his availability.

A picture of human life such as a great artist can give, surprises even the trivial and the selfish into that attention to what is apart from themselves, which may be called the raw material of moral sentiment. – George Eliot

A pig is a jolly companion,
Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt –
A pig is a pal, who’ll boost your morale,
Though mountains may topple and tilt.
When they’ve blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you,
When they’ve turned on you, Tory and Whig,
Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover,
You’ll never go wrong with a pig, a pig,
You’ll never go wrong with a pig!

– Thomas Pynchon, ‘Gravity’s Rainbow’

A pin has a head, but has no hair – Christina Rossetti, ‘Sing-Song’

A place for everything and everything in its place. – Isabella Mary Beeton, ‘The Book of Household Management’

A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it. – Stanley Baldwin

A poem begins in delight and ends in wisdom. – Robert Frost

A pound of salt will not sweeten a single cup of tea.

A prediction is worth twenty explanations. – K Brecher

A president of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your life for his country.

A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. ‘That’s what I like to see’, said the priest, ‘A man helping his fellow man’. As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, ‘Well, he sure doesn’t know the first thing about shark fishing.’

A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions. – George Eliot

A primitive artist is an amateur whose work sells. – Grandma Moses

A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him. – Winston Churchill, 1952

A private sin is not so prejudicial in the world as a public indecency. – Miguel de Cervantes

A problem is a mountain filled with treasure. – old Chinese proverb

A problem well stated is a problem half solved. – Charles F Kettering

A product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered. – cartoonist Al Capp on the subject of abstract art

A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.

A programming language is low-level when its programs require attention to the irrelevant.

A programming language that does not affect the way you think about programming is not worth knowing.

A prohibitionist is the sort of man one wouldn’t care to drink with - even if he drank. – Mencken

A project expands to fill the space available.

A proper wife should be as obedient as a slave… The female is a female by virtue of a certain lack of qualities – a natural defectiveness. – Aristotle

A prosperous fool is a grievous burden. – Aeschylus

A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks you for nothing. – Joey Adams

A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.

A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which was intended for her preservation. – Colton

A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon. – Steel City News

A reactionary is a man whose political opinions always manage to keep up with yesterday.

A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works.

A real person has two reasons for doing anything… a good reason and the real reason.

A robin redbreast in a cage
Puts all Heaven in a rage.

– Blake

A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral. – Antoine de Saint-Exupery

A sad spectacle. If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly. If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space. – Thomas Carlyle, looking at the stars

A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from the vexation of thinking. – Ralph Waldo Emerson, ‘Journals’, 1831

A short cut is the longest distance between two points.

A shy, introverted child will choose a crowded public area to loudly demonstrate new acquired vocabulary.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic. – Joseph Stalin

A snake lurks in the grass. – Publilius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)

A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family, the care of men, and the creation of the future generation is a society which is on its way out. – L Ron Hubbard

A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger. – Proverbs 15:1

A soft drink turneth away company.

A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. – Mark Twain

A stagnant science is at a standstill.

A statesman cannot afford to be a moralist. – Will Durant

A statesman is a politician who’s been dead 10 or 15 years. – Harry S Truman

A stitch in time saves nine.

A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. – O’Henry

A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many bad measures. – Daniel Webster

A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.

A successful tool is one that was used to do something undreamed of by its author. – S C Johnson

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of. – Burt Bacharach

A tautology is a thing which is tautological.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say. – Michael Winner, British film director

A theory is better than its explanation.

A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it. – Oscar Wilde, ‘The Portrait of Mr. W H’

A thing not worth doing is worth not doing well.

A thing worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody else to do.

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

A truth that’s told with bad intent
Beats all the lies you can invent.

– William Blake

A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students. – John Ciardi

A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on. – Samuel Goldwyn

A waste is a terrible thing to mind. – Custodians of Love Canal

A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous.

A whole range of activities remained largely unregulated, spontaneously generating separate forms of organisation, and existing independently of any consecrated ‘official’ To overlook the extent of private initiative would be to ignore a major impulse to early Christian expansion. In homes, whole families adopted a style of life modelled on the Apostles… – Judith Herrin, describing the church in around AD 325, ‘The Formation of Christendom’

A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion. – Chinese proverb

A wise player ought to accept his throws and score them, not bewail his luck. – Sophocles

A wise scepticism is the first attribute of a good critic. – Lowell

A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets people’s attention.

A witty saying proves nothing. – Voltaire

A woman can look both moral and exciting… if she also looks as if it was quite a struggle. – Edna Ferber

A woman drove me to drink and I never even had the courtesy to thank her. – W C Fields

A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed. – Scott

A woman forgives the audacity of which her beauty has prompted us to be guilty. – LeSage

A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be thankful for a good one. – Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings

A woman is like your shadow; follow her, she flies; fly from her, she follows. – Chamfort

A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy. – Nietzsche

A woman mourner was horrified when her best hat was buried with the coffin at a South African funeral – she had planned to wear it to a cocktail party later in the day, but an undertaker mistook it for a floral tribute. – ‘Weekend’ magazine

A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive little thing – tender, sweet, and stupid. – Adolf Hitler

A woman must have money and a room of her own if she is to write fiction. – Virginia Woolf

A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of pride – for the opening or the shutting of a door. – Stendhal

A woman who dresses to kill probably cooks the same.

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. – Gloria Steinem

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish.

A woman, especially if she have the misfortune of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can. – Jane Austen

A word processor? – Charles, Prince of Wales, on Mondial House, a building north-west of London Bridge

A word to the wise is enough. – Miguel de Cervantes

A yawn is a silent shout. – Gilbert K Chesterton

A.A.A.A.A.: An organisation for drunks who drive

ASCII: A Chinese question

AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what a great service you are getting.

Abash’d the devil stood, And felt how awful goodness is, and saw Virtue in her shape how lovely. – Milton

About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. – Herbert Hoover

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead. – Edsger Dijkstra

Above all else - sky.

Above all things, reverence yourself.

Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases great ones, as the wind blows out candles and fans fires. – La Rochefoucauld

Absence makes the heart go wander.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. – Sextus Aurelius

Absence makes the heart grow frantic.

Absence of occupation is not rest,
A mind quite vacant is a mind distress’d.

– Cowper

Absolute power corrupts absolutely.

Absolutely nothing in the world is friendlier than a wet dog.

Absurdity: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one’s own opinion.

Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western religion. Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western science. – Gary Zukav, ‘The Dancing Wu Li Masters’

Access holes will be half an inch too small. Holes that are the right size will be in the wrong place.

According to convention there is a sweet and a bitter, a hot and a cold, and according to convention, there is an order. In truth, there are atoms and a void. – Democritus, 400 B.C.

According to my best recollection, I don’t remember. – Vincent ‘Jimmy Blue Eyes’ Alo

Accordion, n.: A bagpipe with pleats.

Accuse not Nature: she hath done her part;
Do thou but thine.

– Milton

Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.

Actor:‘I’m a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had everyone glued in their seats!’
Oliver Herford:‘Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it!’

Actor: ‘So what do you do for a living?’
Doris: ‘I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving dishes for Chinese restaurants.’

– Woody Allen, ‘Without Feathers’

Actresses will happen in the best regulated families. – Addison Mizner and Oliver Herford, ‘The Entirely New Cynic’s Calendar’, 1905

Ad astra per aspera (To the stars by aspiration).

Adam and Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit (Add little to little and there will be a big pile). – Ovid

Addresses are given to us to conceal our whereabouts.

Adding sound to movies would be like putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo. – actress Mary Pickford, 1925

Adhere to your own act, and congratulate yourself if you have done something strange and extravagant, and broken the monotony of a decorous age. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Admiration: Our polite recognition of another’s resemblance to ourselves.

Adopted kids are such a pain – you have to teach them how to look like you… – Gilda Radner

Adult, n.: One old enough to know better.

Adults think with their mouths open.

Adversity is sometimes hard upon a man; but for one man who can stand prosperity there are a hundred that will stand adversity. – Carlyle

Adversity reveals genius, prosperity conceals it. – Horace

Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper. – Thomas Jefferson

Advertising beauty products is easy. All you have to do is revile your customers by creating a disease called getting older, and then provide a remedy which does not work. – Anita Roddick, founder of ‘The Body Shop’

Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless. – Sinclair Lewis

Advertising is legalised lying. – H G Wells

Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket. – George Orwell

Advice for Life

Robert Louis Stevenson’s 12 pieces of advice on how to live one’s life:-
1. Make up your mind to be happy: learn to find pleasure in simple things.
2. Make the best of your circumstances: no one has everything and everyone has something of sorrow intermingled with the gladness of life. The trick is to make the laughter outweigh the tears.
3. Don’t take yourself too seriously: don’t think that somehow you should be protected from misfortune that befalls others.
4. You can’t please everybody: don’t let criticism hurt you.
5. Don’t let your neighbours set your standards: be yourself.
6. Do the things you enjoy doing, but always stay out of debt.
7. Don’t borrow trouble: imaginary things are harder to bear than actual ones.
8. Since hate poisons the soul, don’t cherish enmities or grudges: avoid people who make you unhappy.
9. Have many interests: if you can’t travel, read about new places.
10. Don’t hold postmortems: don’t spend your life brooding over sorrows or mistakes: don’t be one who never gets over things.
11. Do what you can for those less fortunate than yourself.
12. Keep busy at something: a busy person never has time to be unhappy.

Advice from an old carpenter: measure twice, saw once.

Advice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it.

After 35 years, I have finished a comprehensive study of European comparative law. In Germany, under the law, everything is prohibited, except that which is permitted. In France, under the law, everything is permitted, except that which is prohibited. In the Soviet Union, under the law, everything is prohibited, including that which is permitted. And in Italy, under the law, everything is permitted, especially that which is prohibited. – Newton Minow, Speech to the Association of American Law Schools, 1985

After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done

After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations. – H L Mencken, on Shakespeare

After all, it is only the mediocre who are always at their best. – Jean Giraudoux

After hearing ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser. But an intelligent man needs only two thousand five hundred. – The Mahabharata

After the first death, there is no other. – Dylan Thomas

After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box. – Italian proverb

After the last of sixteen mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.

After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.

After winning an argument with his wife, the wisest thing a man can do is apologise.

Afternoon, n.: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning.

Against stupidity the very gods themselves contend in vain. – Schiller

Age before beauty; and pearls before swine. – Dorothy Parker

Agesilaus being invited once to hear a man who admirably imitated the nightingale, he declined, saying he had heard the nightingale itself. – Plutarch

Aggressive looking housing … edge of the river should be more sacrosanct. – Charles, Prince of Wales, on the Cascades, a housing development in London’s Docklands

Ah! why, ye Gods, should two and two make four? – Alexander Pope

Ah, but a man’s grasp should exceed his reach,
Or what’s a heaven for.

– Robert Browning, ‘Andrea del Sarto’

Ah, but the choice of dreams to live,
there’s the rub.

For all dreams are not equal,
some exit to nightmare
most end with the dreamer

But at least one must be lived… and died.

Ah, happy hills! ah, pleasing shade!
Ah, fields beloved in vain!
Where once my careless childhood stray’d,
A stranger yet to pain!
I feel the gales that from ye blow
A momentary bliss bestow.

– Gray

Ah, women! You can’t live with them … can’t you?

Alan Turing thought about criteria to settle the question of whether machines can think, a question of which we now know that it is about as relevant as the question of whether submarines can swim. – Dijkstra

Alas! it is not till time, with reckless hand, has torn out half the leaves from the Book of Human Life to light the fires of passion with from day to day, that man begins to see that the leaves which remain are few in number. – Longfellow

Alas, I am dying beyond my means. – Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed

Alas, how love can trifle with itself. – William Shakespeare, ‘The Two Gentlemen of Verona’

Alcohol is the anaesthesia by which we endure the operation of life. – George Bernard Shaw

Alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine are weak dilutions. The surest poison is time. – Ralph Waldo Emerson, ‘Society and Solitude’

Alea iacta est (The die is cast). – Julius Ceaser, on crossing the River Rubicon in 49 BC

Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting for a dial tone.

Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of them keeps paying for it. – Peggy Joyce

All are from dust and all turn to dust again. — Ecclesiastes 3:20

All’s well that ends well and vice-versa.

All God’s children are not beautiful. Most of God’s children are, in fact, barely presentable. – Fran Lebowitz, ‘Metropolitan Life’

All I ask is the chance to prove that money doesn’t buy happiness.

All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance.

All I know is just what I read in the papers. – Will Rogers

All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead. – Samuel Beckett

All I want is less to do, more time to do it in, and higher pay for not getting it done.

All are but parts of one stupendous whole,
Whose body Nature is, and God the soul.

– Alexander Pope

All art is a revolt against man’s fate. – Andre Malraus

All art is but imitation of nature. – Lucius Annaeus Seneca

All bad precedents began as justifiable measures. – Gaius Julius Caesar, quoted in ‘The Conspiracy of Catiline’, by Sallust

All cruelty springs from weakness. – Seneca

All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means. – Chou En Lai

All extremists should be taken out and shot.

All general statements are false. (Think about it.)

All generalisations are false, including this one. – Mark Twain

All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time.

All happy families resemble one another, but each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. – Leo Tolstoy, ‘Anna Karenina’

All heiresses are beautiful. – John Dryden

All his life he has looked away… to the horizon, to the sky, to the future. Never his mind on where he was, on what he was doing. – Yoda

All hope abandon, ye who enter here. – Dante Alighieri

All important decisions must be made on the basis of insufficient data.

All in all I’d rather have been a judge than a miner. And what’s more, being a miner, as soon as you are too old and tired and sick and stupid to do the job properly, you have to go. Well, the very opposite applies with judges. – Peter Cook

All is well that ends well. – John Heywood

All laws are simulations of reality. – John C Lilly

All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are Socrates. – Woody Allen

All men have the right to wait in line.

All men know the utility of useful things; but they do not know the utility of futility. – Chuang-tzu

All men profess honesty as long as they can.
To believe all men honest would be folly.
To believe none so is something worse.

– John Quincy Adams

All my friends and I are crazy. That’s the only thing that keeps us sane.

All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific. – Jane Wagner

All nature is but art, unknown to thee;
All chance, direction, which thou canst not see;
All discord, harmony not understood;
All partial evil, universal good;
And spite of pride, in erring reason’s spite,
One truth is clear, Whatever is, is right.

– Alexander Pope

All papers that you save will never be needed until such time as they are disposed of, when they become essential.

All passions that suffer themselves to be relished and digested are but moderate. – Michel Montaigne

All permanent decisions are made in a temporary state of mind. – Michel Montaigne

All pleasures contain an element of sadness. – Jonathan Eibeschutz

All possibility of understanding is rooted in the ability to say no. – Susan Sontag

All power corrupts, but we need electricity. – D W Jones

All probabilities are 50%: either a thing will happen or it won’t.
This is especially true when dealing with women.
Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.

All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income. – Samuel Butler, ‘Notebooks’

All science is either physics or stamp collecting. – Ernest Rutherford

All seems infected that th’ infected spy,
As all looks yellow to the jaundic’d eye. – Alexander Pope

All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands. – Saint Patrick

All styles are good, except the boring kind. – Voltaire

All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.

All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.

– J R R Tolkien

All the good from the Saviour of the world is communicated through this Book; but for the Book we could not know right from wrong. All the things desirable to man are contained in it. – Abraham Lincoln

All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most ridiculous ones. – La Rochefoucauld

All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by the government in less than a second. – Jim Fiebig

All the world’s a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. – Sean O’Casey

All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players.
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts.

– William Shakespeare

All things come to him whose name is on a mailing list.

All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.

All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn’t for money, it’s for fun. Money’s just the way we keep score.

All trails have more uphill sections that they have level or downhill sections.

All warranties expire upon payment of invoice.

All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers… Each one owes infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in which he was born. – Francois Fenelon

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure. – Mark Twain, 1878

Almost anything is easier to get into than out of. – Agnes Allen

Although I am a pious man, I am not the less a man. – Moliere

Always acknowledge a fault frankly. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you opportunity to commit more. – Mark Twain

Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn’t expect to be paid back.

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. – Mark Twain

Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.

Always there remain portions of our heart into which no one is able to enter, invite them as we may.

Always try to do things in chronological order; it’s less confusing that way.

Am I not a man and a brother? – Antislavery Society of London

Am I seeing things, or is that a mirage?

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. – Charlie McCarthy

America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up. – Oscar Wilde

America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it wags its tail, it knocks over a chair. – Arnold Joseph Toynbee

America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism to decadence without touching civilisation. – John O’Hara

Americans are people who insist on living in the present, tense.

[Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything we allow them short of hanging. – Samuel Johnson

Amnesia used to be my favourite word, but then I forgot it.

Among economists, the real world is often a special case.

Among unequals what society
Can sort, what harmony, or true delight?

– Milton

Amor vincit fortitvdin em. (Love overcomes force). – engraved on 12th century brooch found at Elham, Kent

An ‘acceptable’ level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. – Newlan’s Truism

An American’s a person who isn’t afraid to criticise the President but is always polite to traffic cops.

An American is a man with two arms and four wheels. – a Chinese child

An English judge, growing weary of the barrister’s long-winded summation, leaned over the bench and remarked, ‘I’ve heard your arguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I’m none the wiser!’ Sir Geoffrey responded, ‘That may be, m’Lord, but at least you’re better informed!’

An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose. – A P Herbert

An Irishman is not drunk as long as he can hang onto a single blade of grass and not fall off the face of the earth.

An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because people refuse to see it. – James Michener, ‘Space’

An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.

An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician. – Barach

An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do. – Dylan Thomas

An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country. – Sir Henry Wotton, 1568-1639

An amendment to a motion may be amended, but an amendment to an amendment to a motion may not be amended. However, a substitute for an amendment to and amendment to a motion may be adopted and the substitute may be amended. – Montana legislature

An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping that it will eat him last. – Winston Churchill, 1954

An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.

An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it.

An atheist’s worst moment is being truly grateful with no one to thank.

An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you really care to know.

An efficient and a successful administration manifests itself equally in small as in great matters - Winston Churchill

An experienced, industrious, ambitious, and quite often picturesque liar. – Mark Twain

An expert doesn’t know any more than you do. He or she is merely better organised and uses slides.

An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy. – Weinberg’s Principle

An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely nothing about everything.

An honest tale speeds best being plainly told. – William Shakespeare, ‘Henry VI’

An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as possible. – Russell Hoban, ‘Pilgermann’

An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.

An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself. – Albert Camus

An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest. – Benjamin Franklin

An object in possession seldom retains the same charm that it had in pursuit. – Pliny the Younger

An old Jewish man reads about Einstein’s theory of relativity in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him. ‘Well, zayda, it’s sort of like this. Einstein says that if you’re having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like an hour. But if you’re sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an hour seems like a minute.’ The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a moment and says, ‘And from this he makes a living?’ – Arthur Naiman, ‘Every Goy’s Guide to Yiddish’

An optimist believes that we live in the best of all worlds. A pessimist fears this to be true. – James Gabell, American novelist.

An original idea can never emerge from committee in its original form.

An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.

An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest. – Spanish proverb

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge.

Anatomy is destiny. – Sigmund Freud, in typical mood

Anaxagoras said to a man who was grieving because he was dying in a foreign land, ‘The descent to Hades is the same from every place.’ – Diogenes Laertius

And Satan trembles when he sees
The weakest saint upon his knees.

– Cowper

And any stone being mentally handled must become endowed with such poetry and artistry as God has given you. – Edwin Lutyens, architect

And did those feet, in ancient times,
Walk upon England’s mountains green?
And was the Holy Lamb of God
In England’s pleasant pastures seen?
And did the Countenance Divine
Shine forth upon these crowded hills?
And was Jerusalem builded here
Among these dark satanic mills?

Bring me my bow of burning gold!
Bring me my arrows of desire!
Bring me my spears! O clouds unfold!
Bring me my chariot of fire!
I shall not cease from mental fight,
Nor shall my sword rest in my hand,
Till we have built Jerusalem
In England’s green and pleasant land.

– William Blake, ‘Jerusalem’

And do as adversaries do in law, –
Strive mightily, but eat and drink as friends.

– William Shakespeare

And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation. – Kahlil Gibran

And he that will go to bed sober
Falls with the leaf still in October. – John Fletcher

And learn the luxury of doing good. – Goldsmith

And malt does more than Milton can
To justify God’s ways to man

– A E Houseman

And many strokes, though with a little axe,
Hew down and fell the hardest-timbered oak.

– William Shakespeare

And no philosophy, sadly, has all the answers. No matter how assured we may be about certain aspects of our belief, there are always painful inconsistencies, exceptions, and contradictions. This is true in religion as it is in politics, and is self-evident to all except fanatics and the naive. As for the fanatics, whose number is legion in our own time, we might be advised to leave them to heaven. They will not, unfortunately, do us the same courtesy. They attack us and each other, and whatever their protestations to peaceful intent, the bloody record of history makes clear that they are easily disposed to restore to the sword. My own belief in God, then, is just that – a matter of belief, not knowledge. My respect for Jesus Christ arises from the fact that He seems to have been the most virtuous inhabitant of Planet Earth. But even well-educated Christians are frustrated in their thirst for certainty about the beloved figure of Jesus because of the undeniable ambiguity of the scriptural record. Such ambiguity is not apparent to children or fanatics, but every recognised Bible scholar is perfectly aware of it. Some Christians, alas, resort to formal lying to obscure such reality. – Steve Allen

And nothing can we call our own but death
And that small model of the barren earth
Which serves as paste and cover to our bones.

– William Shakespeare

And oftentimes excusing of a fault
Doth make the fault the worse by the excuse.

– William Shakespeare

And the crowd was stilled. One elderly man, wondering at the sudden silence, turned to the Child and asked him to repeat what he had said. Wide-eyed, the Child raised his voice and said once again, ‘Why, the Emperor has no clothes! He is naked!’ – ‘The Emperor’s New Clothes’

And this I know: whether the one True Light
Kindle to Love, or Wrath-consume me quite,
One Flash of It within the Tavern caught
Better than in the Temple lost outright.

– Omar Khayyám

And this our life, exempt from public haunt,
Finds tongues in trees, books in the running brooks,
Sermons in stones, and good in every thing.

– William Shakespeare

And those that paint them truest praise them most. – Addison

And tomorrow will be like today, only more so. – Isaiah 56:12, New Standard Version

And wrinkles, the damned democrats, won’t flatter. – Byron

Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything onto which it is poured.

Anger is momentary madness. – Horace

Anger kills as surely as the other vices.

Animals can be driven crazy by putting too many in too small a pen. Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself. – Lazarus Long

Another of the strange and evil tendencies of the present day is the decoration of the railroad station… There was never more flagrant nor impertinent folly than the smallest portion of ornament in anything connected with the railroads… Railroad architecture has or would have a dignity of its own if it were only left to its work. – John Ruskin

Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone. – Pyrrhus

Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit. – Proverbs, 26:5

Anthony’s Law of the Workshop: Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop.
Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike your toes.

Anticipated events never live up to expectations.

Any child who chatters non-stop at home will adamantly refuse to utter a word when requested to demonstrate for an audience.

Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which at still under development.

Any clod can have the facts, but having an opinion is an art. – Charles McCabe

Any cooking utensil placed in the dishwasher will be needed immediately thereafter for something else.

Any coward can sit in his home and criticise a pilot for flying into a mountain in a fog. But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside than in bed. What kind of man would live where there is no daring? And is life so dear that we should blame men for dying in adventure? Is there a better way to die? – Charles Lindbergh

Any excuse will serve a tyrant. – Aesop

Any fool can make things complicated: it requires a genius to make things simple. — E F Schumacher

Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to sell it.

Any girl can be glamorous; all you have to do is stand still and look stupid. – Hedy Lamarr

Any improbable event which would create maximum confusion if it did occur, will occur.

Any incident you survive is called experience.

Any measuring utensil used for liquid ingredients will be needed immediately thereafter for dry ingredients.

Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there. – Sydney J Harris

Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere.
Climb the mountain just a little to test it’s a mountain.
From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain.

– Bene Gesserit proverb, ‘Dune’

Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. – Malek’s Law

Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it. – Mitchell’s Law of Committees

Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger object.

Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to exactly the point of most pressure. – Milt Barber

Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. – Rich Kulawiec

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. – Arthur C Clarke

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

Any theory can be made to fit any facts by means of approximate, additional assumptions.

Any time a lawyer is seen but not heard, it’s a shame to wake him.

Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.

Any time you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults is proportional to the number of viewers.

Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll under the vehicle to the exact geographical centre.

Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours. – Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.

Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.

Anyone can become angry – that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose and in the right way – that is not easy. – Aristotle

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment. – Robert Benchley

Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm. – Publilius Syrus

Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with none.

Anyone who follows a crowd will never be followed by a crowd.

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. – Samuel Goldwyn

Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think, recognise that the domination of education or of government by any one particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people. – Eleanor Roosevelt

Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of endeavour, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an obstruction to its progress – in direct proportion to the importance of their original contribution. – Jones’s First Law

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. – Groucho Marx

Anyone who uses the phrase ‘easy as taking candy from a baby’ has never tried taking candy from a baby. – Robin Hood

Anything’s possible, but only a few things actually happen.

Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator. – Claude Shouse

Einstein’s mother must have been one heck of a physicist. – Joseph C Wang

Anything for a quiet life. – Middleton

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.

Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart.

Anything is possible if you don’t know what you’re talking about.

Anything is possible, but nothing is easy.

Anything labelled ‘new’ and/or ‘improved’ isn’t. The label means the price went up. The label ‘all new’, ‘completely new’, or ‘great new’ means the price went way up.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.

Anything worth doing, is worth doing for a profit. – Teresias

Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than you thought.

Apathy is not the problem, it’s the solution

Appearances often are deceiving. – Aesop

Apple: Typically a device used to seduce men. Usually equipped with display screens and/or worms.

Apt words have power to suage the tumours of a troubl’d mind. – John Milton

Ar sca
th a che
ile a mhaireann na daoine.

(People live in one another’s shadow) or (People live by co-operating with one another)

– Irish proverb

Architecture for the poor should not be approached like the treatment for a special disease. – Dr Assan Fathay, Egyptian architect

Architecture has always been the outward expression of an inner inspiration. – Charles, Prince of Wales

Architecture, and with it the whole area of the Werkbund moves towards standardisation…. only standardisation can… once again introduce a valid, self-certain taste. – Herman Muthesius

Are Women Human?: In the year 584, in Lyon, France, 43 Catholic bishops and 20 men representing other bishops, after a lengthy debate, took a vote. The results were 32 yes, 31 no. Women were declared human by one vote.

‘Are you police officers?’
‘No, ma’am. We’re musicians.’

– The Blues Brothers

‘Are you sure you’re not an encyclopedia salesman?’
‘No, Ma’am. Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat.’

– Monty Python

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they’re yours. – Messiah’s Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul

Argument is the worst sort of conversation. – Jonathan Swift

Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone in good society holds exactly the same opinion. – Oscar Wilde

Arguments with furniture are rarely productive. – Kehlog Albran, ‘The Profit’

Aristippus said that a wise man’s country was the world. – Laertius, Diogenes

Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes. – Mickey Mouse

Art establishes the basic human truths which must serve as a touchstone for our judgement. – John F Kennedy

Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down. – Chazal

Art is a jealous mistress. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Art is a lie which makes us realise the truth. – Picasso

Art is anything you can get away with. – Marshall McLuhan.

Art is either plagiarism or revolution. – Paul Gauguin

Art is long, life short; judgement difficult, opportunity transient. – Goethe

Art is the ability to separate the significant from the insignificant. – Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)

Art is the expression of a man’s pleasure in labour. – William Morris

Art is the nearest thing to life; it is a mode of amplifying experience and extending our contact with our fellow men beyond the bounds of our personal lot. – George Eliot

Art is the tree of life. Science is the tree of death.

Art is what you can get away with. - Andy Warhol

Art isn’t done to decorate apartments, but to wage war against the enemy. – Picasso

Art should always be an organic and integral part of all great new buildings. – Charles, Prince of Wales

Arthur’s Laws of Love:
(1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else.
(2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person.

Artificial intelligence is better than none at all.

As Caesar was at supper the discourse was of death, – which sort was the best. ‘That,’ said he, ‘which is unexpected.’ – Plutarch

As I Would Have It

Our Father
Who is as a power
Through all the universe,
I would like to revere you,
And be happy in doing so.
We will take it at the start
That goodness alone
Comes from you and no evil;
We want from you the power
To earn our living
In a way that will bring us contentment,
And the power to resist harming human or animal,
And the power to forgive ourselves our misdeeds,
And the power to resist anything
That our deep heart tells us is wrong,
And the power to direct our mind
To the realisation that we are part of a great mystery
That will one day be made clear to us,
And hope that this will help us to come
Nearer to you and say,
In all humility
Thy will be done.

– Catherine Cookson, ‘Pure as a Lily’, 1972

As I am now so you must be;
Therefore prepare to follow me.

– epitaph in Woolwich churchyard

As I walked through the wilderness of this world. – John Bunyan, the opening line of ‘Pilgrim’s Progress’

As Zeus said to Narcissus, ‘Watch yourself.’

As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life – so I became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls. – Matt Cartmill

As crazy as hauling timber into the woods. – Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)

As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. – Albert Einstein

As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. – Weisert

As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote.

As long as art is the beauty parlour of civilisation, neither art nor civilisation is secure. – John Dewey

As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?

As long as there are sovereign nations possessing great power, war is inevitable. – Albert Einstein

As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular. – Oscar Wilde

As soon as the flight attendant serves the coffee, the airliner encounters turbulence.

As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn’t as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realised that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in my own programs. – Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949

As soon as you mention something, if it’s good it goes away and if it’s bad it happens.

As the poet said, ‘Only God can make a tree’ – probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. – Woody Allen

As though all the riches of a great language had been abandoned for monosyllabic grunts, approved of by those too idle to learn, to develop or practise an architecture that had evolved for many centuries. – James Stevens Curl, on modernist architecture, ‘Victorian Architecture’

As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay. – Miguel de Cervantes

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
If God won’t have you, the devil must.

Ask a silly person, get a silly answer.

Ask an impertinent question and you are on the way to a pertinent answer. – Jacob Bronozoski

Ask five economists and you’ll get five different explanations (six if one went to Harvard). – Edgar R Fiedler

Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls… if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee.

Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so. – John Stuart Mill

Assumption is the mother of all foul-ups.

Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. – Wethern’s Law

Asynch: a place to wash dishes

At Christmas I no more desire a rose
Than wish a snow in May’s new-fangled mirth;
But like of each thing that in season grows.

– William Shakespeare

At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is not. But obviously it cannot be where it is not. And if it is where it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest. – Zeno’s paradox of the moving (still?) arrow

At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my ignorance upon the shore. – Kahlil Gibran

At fifty a man can be an ass without being an optimist but not an optimist without being as ass. – Mark Twain

At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his thumb with a hammer. – Marshall Lumsden

At the foot of the mountain, thunder:
The image of Providing Nourishment.
Thus the superior man is careful of his words
And temperate in eating and drinking.

At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.

At times discretion should be thrown aside,
and with the foolish we should play the fool.

– Menander

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason. – Winston Churchill

Auld Nature swears the lovely dears,
Her noblest work she classes, O;
Her ’prentice han’ she tried on man,
And then she made the lasses, O!

– Burns

Automatic calling unit: teenager with a telephone

Automobile: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.

Automotive engine repairing law: If you drop something, it will never reach the ground.

Back when I was a boy, it was forty miles to everywhere, uphill both ways and it was always snowing.

Back when I was a boy, we had to carve our own ICs out of wood.

Bad artists always admire each other’s work. – Oscar Wilde

Bad laws are the worst sort of tyranny. – Edmund Burke

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

Barometer, n.: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.

Basic research is what I am doing when I don’t know what I am doing.

Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats. – Woody Allen

Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your door.

Be alert! (The world needs more lerts…)

Be braver – you can’t cross a chasm in two small jumps.

Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint. – Mark Twain

Be careful who you choose as your enemy because that’s who you become most like. – Friedrich Nietzsche

Be careful. I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Be different: conform.

Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won’t get any better so get used to it.

Be it ever so humble, there’s no place like home. – John Howard Payne

Be just, and fear not – William Shakespeare

Be mercifully free of the ravages of intelligence.

Be prepared to go mad with fixed rule and method. – Horace

Be virtuous and you will be eccentric. – Mark Twain

Be yourself – it’s a dirty job, but somebody’s got to do it.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone. – Parker’s Law

Been there, done that.

Beer – it’s not just for breakfast any more.

Beer is proof that God loves us. – Benjamin Franklin

Before I knew the best part of my life had come, it had gone.

Before destruction a man’s heart is haughty, but humility goes before honour. – Psalms 18:12

Before grand theft and a legal fee, There only stands a law degree.

Before you ask more questions, think about whether you really want to know the answers. – Gene Wolfe, ‘The Claw of the Conciliator’

Beggars should be no choosers. – John Heywood

Begin in the beginning and go on till you come to the end; then stop. – Lewis Carroll

Behold the fool saith, ‘Put not all thine eggs in the one basket’ – which is but a manner of saying, ‘Scatter your money and your attention’; but the wise man saith, ‘Put all your eggs in the one basket and – watch that basket!. – Mark Twain

Behold the warranty… the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh away.

Being a miner, as soon as you’re too old and tired and sick and stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with the judges. – Beyond the Fringe

Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade, since it consists principally of dealings with men. – Conrad

Being asked whether it was better to marry or not, Socrates replied, ‘Whichever you do, you will repent it.’ – Diogenes Laertius

Being conservative has never been regarded as old-fashioned. But if you fight for a sensible step in the right direction which others has deserted you will be branded ‘reactionary’. – Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)

Being owned by someone used to be called slavery – now it’s called commitment.

Bernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in the world, and none of his friends like him either. – Oscar Wilde

Better by far you should forget and smile than that you should remember and be sad. – Christina Rossetti

Better dead than mellow.

Better late than never. – Titus Livius (Livy)

Better late than really late.

Better living a beggar than buried an emperor.

Better three hours too soon than a minute too late. – William Shakespeare

Better to be a mouse in the jaws of a cat, than a man in the hands of a lawyer.

Better to light one candle than to curse the darkness. – motto of the Christopher Society

Beware of Greeks bearing gifts. – Virgil

Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather a new wearer of clothes. – Henry David Thoreau

Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.

Beware of desperate steps!
The darkest day,
Live till to-morrow, will have pass’d away.

– Cowper

Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a drip under pressure.

Beware of the physician who is great at getting out of trouble.

Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same thing as division.

Bit rate: how often you are bitten

Bit: Similar to a nibble. Commonly eight nibbles to a mouthful.

Bit: The increment by which programmers slowly go mad.

Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic

Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.

Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt. – Herbert Hoover

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall forever be amused.

Blessed are those who go around in circles, for they shall be known as wheels.

Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.

Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed. – Alexander Pope

Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it, for he shall enjoy living. – W C Bennett

Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact. – George Eliot

Blessed is the user who expects nothing, as he will not be disappointed.

Blood of the martyrs is the seed of the Church. – Tertullian

Blore’s Razor: Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier.

Blow, blow, thou winter wind!
Thou art not so unkind
As man’s ingratitude.

– William Shakespeare

Boob’s Law: You always find something in the last place you look.

Books without the knowledge of life are useless. – Samuel Johnson

Bore, n.: A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary. – Walter Winchell

Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

Boys are beyond the range of anybody’s sure understanding, at least when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years. – James Thurber

Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. – Kin Hubbard

Brandy-and-water spoils two good things. – Charles Lamb

Brevity is the soul of wit. – William Shakespeare

Brisk talkers are usually slow thinkers. There is, indeed, no wild beast more to be dreaded than a communicative man having nothing to communicate. If you are civil to the voluble, they will abuse your patience; if brusque, your character. – Jonathan Swift

British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive it. If you can’t there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps. – Peter Ustinov

Broad-mindedness, n: The result of flattening high-mindedness out.

Bronze is the mirror of the form; wine, of the heart. – Aeschylus

Bubble Memory: a derogatory term, usually referring to a person’s intelligence. See also ‘vacuum tube’.

Bugs, pl. n.: Small living things that small living boys throw on small living girls.

Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it.

Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it. – Shaw’s Principle

Build your railway good because one day it will join up with my railway and go under the channel to the sea. – Isambard Kingdom Brunel, speaking to George Stephenson who was building the line from Redhill to Dover.

Bullwinkle: ‘You just leave that to my pal. He’s the brains of the outfit.’
General: ‘What does that make you?’
Bullwinkle: ‘What else? An executive…’

– Jay Ward

Bumper sticker: ‘All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British manufacture’

Bureaucrat, n.: A person who cuts red tape sideways. – J McCabe

Bureaucrat, n.: A politician who has tenure.

[Burne-] Jones, whose life is as pure as an archangels, whose genius is as strange and high as that of Albert Dürer or Hans Memling… – John Ruskin

Business is a good game – lots of competition and minimum of rules. You keep score with money. – Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari

Business will be either better or worse. – Calvin Coolidge

But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard example of ancient nonsense – the debate about angels on pinheads – makes sense once you realise that theologians were not discussing whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a finite or an infinite number. – S J Gould, ‘Wide Hats and Narrow Minds’

But it does move. – Galileo Galilei

But love is blind, and lovers cannot see
The pretty follies that themselves commit. – William Shakespeare

But man, proud man,
Drest in a little brief authority,
Most ignorant of what he’s most assured,
His glassy essence, like an angry ape,
Plays such fantastic tricks before high heaven
As make the angels weep.

– William Shakespeare

But scientists, who ought to know
Assure us that it must be so.
Oh, let us never, never doubt
What nobody is sure about.

– Hilaire Belloc

But soon we will die, and all memory of those five will have left earth, and we ourselves will be loved for a while and forgotten. But the love will have been enough; all those impulses of love return to the love that made them.
Even memory is not necessary for love. There is a land of the living and a land of the dead, and the bridge is love, the only survival, the only meaning.

–Thornton Wilder, ‘The Bridge of San Luis Ray’, 1927, following collapse of bridge that resulted in the death of five people

But that is the object of long living, that man should cease to care about life. – Robert Louis Stevenson, from ‘Will o’ the Mill’

But, for my own part, it was Greek to me. – William Shakespeare, ‘Julius Caesar’

By and by when each nation has 20,000 battleships and 5,000,000 soldiers we shall all be safe and the wisdom of statesmanship will stand confirmed. – Mark Twain

By contrast it is impossible to separate a cube into two cubes, a fourth power into two fourth powers, or in general any power above the second into two powers of the same degree. I have found a truly marvellous proof of this theorem but this margin is too narrow to contain it. – Pierre de Fermat, in margin of C G Bachet’s (1581-1638) Diophantus’ Arithmetica, volume II, problem 8

By definition, one divided by zero is undefined.

By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task completely overwhelm you.

By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.

By nature, men are nearly alike;
by practice, they get to be wide apart.

– Confucius

By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote. In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others as it is to invent. – R Emerson

By perseverance the snail reached the Ark. – Charles Spurgeon

By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death. – Titus Lucretius Carus

By the middle 1880’s, practically all the [rail]roads except those in the South, were of the present standard gauge. The southern roads were still five feet between rails.
It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard, in one day. This remarkable piece of work was carried out on a Sunday in May of 1886. For weeks beforehand, shops had been busy pressing wheels in on the axles to the new and narrower gauge, to have a supply of rolling stock which could run on the new track as soon as it was ready. Finally, on the day set, great numbers of gangs of track layers went to work at dawn. Everywhere one rail was loosened, moved in three and one-half inches, and spiked down in its new position. By dark, trains from anywhere in the United States could operate over the tracks in the South, and a free interchange of freight cars everywhere was possible. – Robert Henry, ‘Trains’, 1957

By the time we are women, fear is as familiar to us as air; it is our element. We live in it, we inhale it, we exhale it, and most of the time we do not even notice it. – Andrea Dworkin

By the yard, life is hard.
By the inch, it’s a cinch.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean. – Mark Twain

By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve. – Robert Frost

Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are often given to wonder what’s so great about point A that so many people from point B are so keen to get there and what’s so great about point B that so many people from point A are so keen to get there. They often wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell they wanted to be. – Douglas Adams, ‘The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy’

‘C’ combines the flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language.

Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception. – The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989

Californians are a strange people. They’ll put every chemical known to God and man up their nostrils and then laugh at you for putting sugar in your coffee.

Call on God, but row away from the rocks. – Indian proverb

Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two points. – M M Johnston

Can anyone remember when the times were not hard, and money not scarce?

Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished? Yes, work never begun.

Can one desire too much of a good thing? – William Shakespeare

Can we ever have too much of a good thing? – Miguel de Cervantes

Canada Post doesn’t really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It’s 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage. – Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, ‘Financial Post’,12/31/83

Capitalism can exist in one of only two states: welfare or warfare.

Capitalism is the extraordinary belief that the nastiest of men, for the nastiest of reasons, will somehow work for the benefit of us all. – John Maynard Keynes

Captain Penny’s Law: You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you Can’t Fool Mom.

Care keeps his watch in every old man’s eye,
And where care lodges, sleep will never lie.

– William Shakespeare

Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.

Carpe Dieum. (I live for the duty of the day).

Cato requested old men not to add the disgrace of wickedness to old age, which was accompanied with many other evils. – Plutarch

Cato said, ‘I had rather men should ask why my statue is not set up, than why it is.’ – Plutarch

Cato used to assert that wise men profited more by fools than fools by wise men; for that wise men avoided the faults of fools, but that fools would not imitate the good examples of wise men. – Plutarch

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function. – Garrison Keillor

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t make eight cats pull a sled through the snow.

Censure is the tax a man pays to the public for being eminent. – Swift

Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have tried it. – Ambrose Bierce

Certainly there are things in life that money can’t buy,
But it’s very funny – did you ever try buying them without money?

– Ogden Nash

Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign. – Anatole France

Chance only favours the prepared mind. – Louis Pasteur

Change your thoughts and you change your world.

Charity begins at home. – Publilius Terentius Afer (Terence)

Charity: A thing that begins at home and usually stays there.

Charlie Brown: ‘Why was I put on this earth?’
Linus: ‘To make others happy.’
Charlie Brown: ‘Why were others put on this earth?’

Charm is a way of getting the answer ‘Yes’ – without having asked any clear question.

Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap.

Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.

Children are our most valuable national resource. – Herbert Hoover

Children are to be won to follow liberal studies by exhortations and rational motives, and on no account to be forced thereto by whipping. – Plutarch

Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they’re going to catch you in next. – Franklin P Jones

Children aren’t happy without something to ignore,
And that’s what parents were created for.

– Ogden Nash

Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them.
Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.

– Oscar Wilde

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.

Children who never come when called will grow up to be doctors. Children who come before they are called will grow up to be lawyers.

Chinese saying: ‘He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks.’

Choose in marriage only a woman whom you would choose as a friend if she were a man. – Joubert

Christian, n.: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbour.

Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and not tried. – Gilbert K Chesterton

Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it. – George Bernard Shaw

Church bulletins:-
• Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
• The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement this afternoon.
• Wednesday: the ladies of the literary group will meet. Mrs Johnson will sing ‘Put me in my little bed’ accompanied by the rector
• For those of you who have children and don’t know it we have a creche downstairs.

Churchill’s Commentary on Man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.

Cigarette, n.: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in between.

Circumstances make man, not man circumstances. – Mark Twain

Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances. – Herodotus

Cities and Thrones and Powers
Stand in Time’s eye,
Almost as long as flowers,
which daily die:
But, as new buds put forth
To glad new men,
Out of the spent and unconsidered Earth
The Cities rise again.

– Rudyard Kipling

Civil Rights: What black folks are given in the U.S. on the instalment plan… Not to be confused with human rights, which are the dignity, stature, humanity, respect, and freedom belonging to all people by right of their birth. – Dick Gregory

Civilisation and profits go hand in hand. – Calvin Coolidge

Civilisation is a limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessaries. – Mark Twain

Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron – namely, that he is a blockhead. – Ambrose Bierce

Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who aspires to be a hero… must drink brandy. – Samuel Johnson

Class schedules are designed so that every student will waste the maximum time between classes.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shovelling the walk before it stops snowing. – Phyllis Diller

Cleanliness is next to impossible.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. – Mark Twain

Cocaine is nature’s way of telling you have too much money.

Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum. (I think that I think, therefore I think that I am). – Ambrose Bierce

Cogito ergo (I’m right and you’re wrong). – Blair Houghton

Coincidence, n.: You weren’t paying attention to the other half of what was going on.

Coincidences are spiritual puns. – Gilbert K Chesterton

Cold, adj.: When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own pockets.

Come fill the cup and in the fire of spring
Your winter garment of repentance fling.
The bird of time has but a little way
To flutter – and the bird is on the wing.

– Omar Khayyám

Come forth into the light of things,
Let Nature be your teacher.

– Wordsworth

Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over, Tonight we will all merry be – tomorrow we’ll get sober. – John Fletcher, ‘The Bloody Brother’, II, 2

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious. – Peter Ustinov

Command: statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control.

Commit random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty.

Committee Rules:
(1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
(2) Don’t say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise.
(3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others.
(4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
(5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular – it’s what everyone is waiting for.

Committee, n.: A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done. – Fred Allen

Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to be appointed to do the work.

Common sense and a sense of humour are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humour is just common sense, dancing. – Clive James

Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius. – Josh Billings

Common sense is not so common.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. – Albert Einstein

Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. Everyone thinks he has enough. – Descartes, 1637

Comparisons are odious. – Marlowe

Complaint is the largest tribute heaven receives, and the sincerest part of our devotion.

Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand wrong answers.

Complex: Adjective used to describe problems to be avoided.

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. – Pablo Picasso

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don’t add up.

Computers make excellent and efficient servants. But I do not wish to serve under one.

Computers will never replace the wastebasket when it comes to streamlining office work.

Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more than the estimate the job will cost.

Conceit causes more conversation than wit. – La Rochefoucauld

Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven;
confess them to man and you will be laughed at.

– Josh Billings

Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is good for dandruff. – Peter de Vries

Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.

Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for the reputation. – Lord Thomas Dewar

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Conform, go crazy, or become a writer.

Conformity is the jailer of freedom and the enemy of growth. – John F Kennedy

Confucius say too much. – recent Chinese proverb

Confucius say, ‘Man who sleep on railroad track wake up with split personality.’

Confusion will be my epitaph
as I walk a cracked and broken path
If we make it we can all sit back and laugh
but I fear that tomorrow we’ll be crying.

– King Crimson, ‘In the Court of the Crimson King’

Conquering Russia is a steppe by steppe process.

Conscience doth make cowards of us all. – William Shakespeare

Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. – H L Mencken

Conscience is defined as the thing that hurts when everything else feels great.

Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking. – H L Mencken, ‘A Mencken Chrestomathy’

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you wish you weren’t.

Conservative: One who admires radicals centuries after they’re dead. – Leo C Rosten

Considerable sacrifices were demanded of the inhabitants of the machine in order that purely abstract formal development… might be carried as far as possible. – Corbusier

Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then give it back to them.

Continual dropping wears away a stone. – Lucretius

‘Contrariwise,’ continued Tweedledee, ‘if it was so, it might be, and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn’t, it ain’t. That’s logic!’ – Lewis Carroll, ‘Through the Looking Glass’

Correction does much, but encouragement does more. – Goethe

Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a muddle of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can make of capitalism. – Walter Lippmann

Corruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner. His job is to enforce the law and fight crime. – E J Kiernan, PBA President

Could John Wayne have ever taken Normandy, Iwo Jima, Korea, the Gulf of Tonkin, and the entire Wild West on a diet of quiche and salad?

Courage is grace under pressure.

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear – not absence of fear. – Mark Twain

Courage is your greatest present need.

Coward, n.: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. – Ambrose Bierce

Cowards die many times before their deaths;
The valiant never taste of death but once.

– William Shakespeare

Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month. – Wernher von Braun

Creditors have much better memories than debtors.

Crime does not pay… as well as politics. – A E Neuman

Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship. – Zeuxis

Culture is both an intellectual phenomenon and a moral one. – Raisa Gorbachev

Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why.

Cursor: an expert in four-letter words.

Custom is almost a second nature. – Plutarch

Custom reconciles us to everything. – Burke

Daily labour was sweetened by the daily creation of Art. – William Morris

Dare to be naive. – Richard Buckminster Fuller

‘Darling,’ she whispered, ‘will you still love me after we are married?’ He considered this for a moment and then replied, ‘I think so. I’ve always been especially fond of married women.’

Darling, I know I’m an old ‘has been’, but it’s better than being a ‘never has been’. – elderly actress to Lynda Lee-Potter

Data expands to fill the space available for storage. – Parkinson’s Law of Data

Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve. Success is also easy to handle: you’ve solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve.

Dealing with network executives is like being nibbled to death by ducks.

Dear Lord: Please make my words sweet and tender, for tomorrow I may have to eat them.

Dear old, bloody old England of telegraph poles and tin
Seemingly so indifferent and with so little soul to win.

– John Betjeman

Death is God’s way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.

Death is life’s way of telling you you’ve been fired. – R Geis

Death is nature’s way of recycling human beings.

Death is nature’s way of saying ‘Howdy’.

Death is nature’s way of telling you to slow down

Death is not the worst evil, but rather when we wish to die and cannot. – Sophocles

Death is nothing at all. I have only slipped away into the next room. – Henry Scott-Holland

Death is the side of life turned way from us. – Maria Rilke, German poet

Debug: the act of placing shoe leather against a small creeping creature.

Decision maker, n.: The person in your office who was unable to form a task force before the music stopped.

Decorate your home. It gives the illusion that your life is more interesting than it really is. – Charles Schultz

Defer not till to-morrow to be wise,
To-morrow’s sun to thee may never rise.

– Congreve

Delay is preferable to error. – Thomas Jefferson

Deliberation, n.: The act of examining one’s bread to determine which side it is buttered on. – Ambrose Bierce

Democracy can only be measured on the existence of an opposition. – Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)

Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than we deserve. – George Bernard Shaw

Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder aloud what the country could do under first-class management. – Senator Soaper

Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. – George Bernard Shaw

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who will get the blame. – Laurence J Peter

Democracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse. – Jawaharlal Nehru

Democracy is that form of government where everybody gets what the majority deserves.

Democracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them. – Arman de Caillavet, 1913

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time. – E B White

Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time. – Winston Churchill

Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people. – Oscar Wilde

Dentist: A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one’s mouth, pulls coins out of one’s pockets. – Ambrose Bierce

Depression is merely anger without the enthusiasm.

Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won’t see his face.

Descartes was sitting at a sidewalk cafe, having finished his meal. A waiter asked him, ‘Would you care for desert?’ ‘I think not,’ replied Descartes. Then he disappeared.

Did you ever notice that everyone in favour of birth control has already been born. – Benny Hill

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives. – Sue Murphy

Did you ever wonder what you’d say to God if He sneezed?

Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined them up end to end, they’d still point in the wrong direction?

Did you know that the word ‘gullible’ isn’t in the dictionary?

Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him. – John Barrymore’s dying words

Difference between savage and civilised man: one is painted, the other gilded. – Mark Twain

Diligence is the mother of good fortune. – Miguel de Cervantes

Dim collection of brick sheds groping for some symbolic significance. – Charles, Prince of Wales, on the new British Library building in London

Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. ‘How’s it going?’, someone asked him, after a few days. ‘Not too bad’, replied Diogenes. ‘I still have my lantern.’

Dionysios the Elder, being asked whether he was at leisure, he replied, ‘God forbid that it should ever befall me!’ – Plutarch

Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century. Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon. – Sir Humphrey Appleby

Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘nice doggy’ until you can find a rock.

Diplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way. – Balfour

Discretion is the better part of valour. – William Shakespeare

Disease can be cured; fate is incurable. – Chinese proverb

Dishonour will not trouble me, once I am dead. – Euripides

Distinctive, adj.: A different colour or shape than our competitors.

Distress: A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.

Distrust all those who love you extremely upon a very slight acquaintance and without any visible reason. – Lord Chesterfield

Ditat Deus (God enriches).

Divorce is a game played by lawyers. – Cary Grant

Do good when you can, and charge when you think they will stand it. – Mark Twain

Do not clog intellect’s sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses.

Do not count your chickens before they are hatched. – Aesop

Do not destroy what I [God] have made, for if you do, there will be no one left to repair the damage. – ancient Jewish tradition

Do not drink coffee in early a.m. It will keep you awake until noon.

Do not merely believe in miracles, rely on them.

Do not put off till tomorrow what can be put off till day-after-tomorrow just as well. – Mark Twain

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive.

Do not tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don’t tell them where they know the fish. – Mark Twain

Do not, as some ungracious pastors do,
Show me the steep and thorny way to heaven;
Whiles, like a puff’d and reckless libertine,
Himself the primrose path of dalliance treads,
And recks not his own rede.

– William Shakespeare

Do nothing secretly; for Time sees and hears all things, and discloses all. – Sophocles

Do whatever your enemies don’t want you to do.

Don’t Worry, Be Happy. – Meher Baba

Don’t ask the barber if you need a haircut.

Don’t be concerned, it will not harm you,
It’s only me pursuing something I’m not sure of,
Across my dreams, with nets of wonder,
I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love.

Don’t be humble… you’re not that great. – Golda Meir

Don’t believe everything you hear or anything you say.

Don’t bite the hand that has your pay check in it.

Don’t do the crime, if you can’t do the time. – Lt. Col. Ollie North

Don’t force it, get a larger hammer. – Anthony

Don’t get even, get odd.

Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. – Mark Twain

Don’t hate yourself in the morning – sleep till noon.

Don’t look back, something may be gaining on you.

Don’t look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.

Don’t make your doctor your heir.

Don’t marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. – Scottish proverb

Don’t rush me - I’m dawdling as fast as I can

Don’t smoke in bed - the ashes on the floor might be your own.

Don’t take life so serious, son, it ain’t nohow permanent. – Walt Kelly

Don’t take life too seriously – you’ll never get out of it alive.

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation – as you grow older, it starts avoiding you. – The Old Farmer’s Almanac

Don’t worry about being in a dangerous situation. You have the rest of your life to straighten it out.

Don’t worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you’ll have to ram them down people’s throats. – Howard Aiken

Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia. – Charles Schultz

Don’t worry if it doesn’t work right. If everything did, you’d be out of a job. – Mosher’s Law of Software Engineering

Don’t worry over what other people are thinking about you. They’re too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.

Double-Blind Experiment, n.: An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied by a belief in the tooth fairy.

Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd. – Voltaire

Doubt isn’t the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith. – Paul Tillich, German theologian.

Draft beer, not people

Drama is life with the dull bits left out. – Alfred Hitchcock

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

Dreams are the touchstones of our characters. – Henry David Thoreau

Drew’s Law of Highway Biology: The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes.

Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it’s compounding a felony. – Robert Benchley

Drunks are rarely amusing unless they know some good songs and lose a lot a poker. – Karyl Roosevelt

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together… – Carl Zwanzig

Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate and captain of your soul.

During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted,
‘Hey, you almost hit my wife.’
‘Did I?’ cried the hunter, aghast. ‘Terribly sorry. Have a shot at mine, over there.’

During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a second helping, he asked politely, ‘May I have some breast?’
’Mr. Churchill,’ replied the hostess, ‘in this country we ask for white meat or dark meat.’ Churchill apologised profusely.
The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from her guest of honour. The accompanying card read: ‘I would be most obliged if you would pin this on your white meat.’

During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the Internet. – Al Gore, Vice President

During the time an item is on back-order, it will be available cheaper and quicker from many other sources.

Duty, n: What one expects from others. – Oscar Wilde

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it. – last words of W Somerset Maugham

Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult. – Actor Edmond Gween, on his deathbed.

Dyslexics have more fnu.

Dyslexics of the world, untie!

Each class of men is created equal.

Each problem solved introduces a new unsolved problem.

Early in life I had to choose between honest arrogance and hypocritical humility; I chose arrogance – Frank Lloyd Wright, architect

Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy and wealthy and dead. – James Thurber

Earth is a great, big fun house without the fun. – Jeff Berner

Eat as much as you like - just don’t swallow it. – Harry Secombe’s diet

Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.

Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow we diet.

Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I’m down to mine and it hasn’t. – Robert Orben

Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a percentage point to prove they have a sense of . – Edgar R Fiedler

Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught. – Oscar Wilde, ‘The Critic as Artist’

Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know. – Daniel J Boorstin

Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine. – Irwin Edman

Education is the transmission of civilisation. – Durant, Will and Ariel

Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten. – B F Skinner

Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain of being a damned fool.

Egotist: a person of low taste more interested in himself than in me. – Ambrose Bierce

Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees. – Ronald Reagan, famous movie star and president

Eisenhower was very nice, Nixon was his only vice. – C Degen

Either I’m dead or my watch has stopped. – Groucho Marx’ last words

Electrocution, n.: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.

Eliminate the impossible and what ever remains, no matter how improbable, is the truth. – Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, speaking as Sherlock Holmes

Encyclopedia Salesmen: Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police and tell them your house is being burgled. – Mike Harding, ‘The Armchair Anarchist’s Almanac’

England is perhaps the only country whose intellectuals are ashamed of their nationality. – George Orwell

Enjoy the world gently,
Enjoy the world gently;
Because if the world gets broken
No one can repair it.
Enjoy the world gently.

– Traditional Yoruba poem from W Africa

Enough is as good as a feast. – John Heywood

Entitlement cards will not be compulsory but everyone will have to have one. – John Prescott

Entropy isn’t what it used to be.

Envelopes and stamps which don’t stick when you lick them will stick to other things when you don’t want them to.

Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking. – Jerome Lettvin

Error: something only humans can commit.

Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where’s it going to end? – Tom Stoppard

Etiquette requires us to admire the human race. – Mark Twain

Etymology, n.: Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that were hard for the public to believe. The term ‘etymology’ was formed from the Latin ‘etus’ (eaten), the root ‘mal’ (bad), and ‘logy’ (study of). It meant ‘the study of things that are hard to swallow’. – Mike Kellen

Eureka. (I have found it). – Archimedes, inventor of the lever and fluid displacement, 287-212 BC

Even God lends a hand to honest boldness. – Menander

Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.

Even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five hundred. – The Mahabharata.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the Government ran it.

Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there. – Will Rogers

Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to? – Clarence Darrow

Even if you persuade me, you won’t persuade me. – Aristophanes

Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess.

Even the best of friends cannot attend each other’s funeral. – Kehlog Albran, ‘The Profit’

Even the boldest zebra fears the hungry lion.

Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark.

Even water tastes bad when taken on doctors orders.

Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you just how busy they are.

Ever wondered about the origins of the term ‘bugs’ as applied to computer technology? US Navy Capt. Grace Murray Hopper has first-hand explanation. The 74-year-old captain, who is still on active duty, was a pioneer in computer technology during World War II. At the CW Post Center of Long Island University, Hopper told a group of Long Island public school administrators that the first computer ‘bug’ was a real bug – a moth. At Harvard one August night in 1945, Hopper and her associates were working on the ‘grand-daddy’ of modern computers, the Mark I. ‘Things were going badly; there was something wrong in one of the circuits of the long glass-enclosed computer,’ she said. ‘Finally, someone located the trouble spot and, using ordinary tweezers, removed the problem, a two-inch moth. From then on, when anything went wrong with a computer, we said it had bugs in it.’ Hopper said that when the veracity of her story was questioned recently, ‘I referred them to my 1945 log book, now in the collection of the Naval Surface Weapons Center, and they found the remains of that moth taped to the page in question.’

Everlasting peace will come to the world when the last man has slain the last but one. – Adolph Hitler

Every Englishman knows one thing – that to be an Englishman is the Best Thing There Is. – Ogden Nash

Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.

Every action is measured by the depth of the sentiment from which it proceeds. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Every cloud engenders not a storm. – William Shakespeare, ‘Henry VI’

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God. – Lenny Bruce

Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this woman and stop her.

Every generation laughs at old fashions, but follows religiously the new.

Every great idea has a disadvantage equal to or exceeding the greatness of the idea.

Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its labourers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is humanity hanging on a cross of iron. – Dwight Eisenhower, 1953

Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible. – Frank Moore Colby

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

Every man has his fault, and honesty is his. – William Shakespeare

Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95.

Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse. – Miguel de Cervantes

Every man is like the company he is wont to keep. – Euripides

Every man takes the limits of his own field of vision for the limits of the world. – Schopenhauer

Every morning, I get up and look through the ‘Forbes’ list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work – Robert Orben

Every nation has the government it deserves.

Every one can master a grief but he that has it. – William Shakespeare

Every path has its puddle.

Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you. – Messiah’s Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul

Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one instruction – from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn’t work.

Every program has two purposes – one for which it was written and another for which it wasn’t.

Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.

Every purchase has its price.

Every silver lining has a cloud around it.

Every solution breeds new problems.

Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success.

Every time I think I know where it’s at, they move it.

Every why hath a wherefore. – William Shakespeare

Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness. – Beckett

Everybody’s private motto: It’s better to be popular than right. – Mark Twain

Everybody generalises.

Everybody has something to conceal. – Humphrey Bogart

Everybody in my family follows the medical profession, said John. They’re all lawyers.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects. – Will Rogers

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo. – Dykstra

Everybody knows that if you are too careful you are so occupied in being careful that you are sure to stumble over something. – Gertrude Stein

Everybody should believe in something – I believe I’ll have another drink. – Steele’s Plagiarism of Somebody’s Philosophy

Everybody should believe in something; I believe I’ll have another drink.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgement.

Everyone gets away with something. No one gets away with everything.

Everyone has a scheme that will not work. – Howe’s Law

Everyone has to believe in something; I believe I’ll have another beer.

Everyone is a genius. It’s just that some people are too stupid to realise it.

Everyone is in the best seat. – John Cage

Everyone is more or less mad on one point. – Rudyard Kipling

Everyone talks about apathy, but no one does anything about it.

Everyone was born right-handed. Only the greatest overcome it.

Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between.

Everything in the world is part of a design. Everything has meaning and purpose and a place in the pattern of existence, only it’s not always possible to understand what that design is. Only God can understand the design, because He invented it. It’s like a magic puzzle. We can’t expect to understand everything. Some things are beyond the bounds of human understanding, but if we trust in God and believe in Him, no harm can come to us. We must have faith in our part of the design - in the part He has given us to play, and if it appears dissatisfying to us we must always realise He knows best and that everything is part of a pattern more perfect than any mortal can ever visualise. – Susan Howatch, ‘Penmarric’

Everything is farther away than it used to be. It is even twice as far to the corner and they have added a hill. I have given up running for the bus; it leaves earlier than it used to.
It seems to me they are making the stairs steeper than in the old days. And have you noticed the smaller print they use in the newspapers?
There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud anymore, as everybody speaks in such a low voice I can hardly hear them.
The material in dresses is so skimpy now, especially around the hips and waist, that it is almost impossible to reach one’s shoelaces. And the sizes don’t run the way they used to. The 12’s and 14’s are so much smaller.
Even people are changing. They are so much younger than they used to be when I was their age. On the other hand people my age are so much older than I am.
I ran into an old classmate the other day and she has aged so much that she didn’t recognise me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning and in so doing I glanced at my own reflection. Really now, they don’t even make good mirrors like they used to.

– Sandy Frazier, ‘I Have Noticed’

Everything is revealed to he who turns over enough stones. (Including the snakes that he did not want to find).

Everything journalists write is true, except when they write about something you know. – Dag-Erling Smorgrav

Everything new stalls because there is precedence for the old. – Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)

Everything proceeds from everything else and everything becomes everything, and everything can be turned into everything else. – Leonardo da Vinci

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler. – Albert Einstein

Everything takes longer than you expect.

Everything that has been achieved, for good or for bad, is due to the way humans are. The future will be no different. Whether we reach for the stars or plumb the depths, humans will be responsible. The future depends entirely on us and those who follow us. There are many thoughts and hopes for the future. But the most important of all should be the same as one of Jesus Christ 2000 years ago. May there be peace on earth and goodwill to all. – Tom Johnston, ‘Daily Mirror’, the first day of January 2000

Everything that is different is a different thing.

Everything you’ve learned in school as ‘obvious’ becomes less and less obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no solids in the universe. There’s not even a suggestion of a solid. There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no straight lines. – R Buckminster Fuller

Everywhere you go you’ll see them searching,
Everywhere you turn you’ll feel the pain,
Everyone is looking for the answer,
Well look again.

– Moody Blues, ‘Lost in a Lost World’

Example is not the main thing in influencing others. It is the only thing. – Albert Schweitzer

Except the Lord build the house, they labour in vain that build it. – quoted by Charles, Prince of Wales, on architecture

Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. – W Somerset Maugham

Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last. – Marcus Aurelius

Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work. – John G Pollard

Expect the worst, it’s the least you can do.

Experience is just another name we give to our mistakes.

Experience is not what happens to you; it is what you do with what happens to you. – Aldous Huxley

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it. – Olivier

Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you recognise a mistake when you make it again. – Franklin P Jones

Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and the instruction afterward.

Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Expert, n.: Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides.

Eye Nature’s walks, shoot folly as it flies,
And catch the manners living as they rise;
Laugh where we must, be candid where we can,
But vindicate the ways of God to man.

– Alexander Pope

F S Fitzgerald: ‘Ernest, the rich are different from us.’
Hemingway: ‘Yes. They have more money.’

Fact is solidified opinion.

Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.

Facts are the enemy of truth. – Don Quixote

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. – Aldous Huxley

Facts may weaken under extreme heat and pressure.

Failure isn’t falling down. Failure is not getting up after you have fallen down. – Richard Nixon, disgraced President of USA

Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall. – Sir Walter Raleigh

Fair and softly goes far. – Miguel de Cervantes

Fairy Tale, n.: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.

Faith has need of the whole truth. – Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move.

False modesty is better than none. – Vilhjalmur Stefansson

Families, when a child is born
Want it to be intelligent.
I, through intelligence,
Having wrecked my whole life,
Only hope the baby will prove
Ignorant and stupid.
Then he will crown a tranquil life
By becoming a Cabinet Minister.

– Su Tung-p’o

Famous last words:
(1) Don’t unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
(2) Let’s take the shortcut, he can’t see us from there.
(3) What happens if you touch these two wires tog–
(4) We won’t need reservations.
(5) It’s always sunny there this time of the year.
(6) Don’t worry, it’s not loaded.
(7) They’d never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.

Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have forgotten your aim. – George Santayana

Far away is close at hand in images of elsewhere.: graffiti on railway siding wall on approach to Paddington station, London

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. – Oscar Wilde

Fashions have done more harm than revolutions. – Victor Hugo

Father: And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?’
Son: ‘Diet.’

Feminists say 60 percent of the country’s wealth is in the hands of women. They’re letting men hold the other 40 percent because their handbags are full. – Earl Wilson

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. – Mark Twain

Fidelity: A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.

Fifth Law of Applied Terror: If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
Corollary: If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.

Fifth Law of Procrastination: Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do.

Fire is the test of gold; adversity, of strong men. – Seneca

First I tells ‘em what I’m going to tell ‘em. Then I tells ‘em. Then I tells ‘em what I’ve telled ‘em. – the Regimental Sergeant-Major

First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity, no really self-respecting woman would take advantage of it. – George Bernard Shaw, ‘John Bull’s Other Island’

First rule of intelligent tinkering: Save all the parts

First things first – but not necessarily in that order – Doctor Who

Flattery is the sincerest form of imitation.

Follow your heart and your dreams won’t be left behind.

Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing. – Walt Kelly, ‘Putluck Pogo’

Fool! said my muse to me, look in thy heart, and write. – Sidney

Foolery, sir, does walk about the orb like the sun; it shines everywhere. – William Shakespeare

Fools ignore complexity. Pragmatists suffer it. Geniuses remove it.

Fools rush in – and get the best seats.

Fools rush in where angels fear to tread. – Alexander Pope

For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do. – Paul of Tarsus (St. Paul)

For NASA, space is still a high priority. – Dan Quayle

For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a cat.

For adult education nothing beats children.

For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be always old-fashioned.

For aught that I could ever read,
Could ever hear by tale or history,
The course of true love never did run smooth.

– William Shakespeare

For blessings ever wait on virtuous deeds,
And though a late, a sure reward succeeds.

– Congreve

For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. – Main’s Law

For every action there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

For every bloke who makes his mark, there’s half a dozen waiting to rub it out. – Andy Capp

For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong. – H L Mencken

For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill. – R Clopton

For every human problem, there is a neat, plain solution – and it is always wrong.

For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision.

For fools rush in where angels fear to tread. – Alexander Pope

For good, return good.
For evil, return justice.

For greatest scandal waits on greatest state. – William Shakespeare

For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life. – Albert Camus

For men use, if they have an evil turn, to write it in marble: and whoso doth us a good turn we write it in dust. – Sir Thomas More

For of the soule the bodie forme doth take;
For soule is forme, and doth the bodie make.

– Spenser

For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers. – Titus Lucretius Carus

For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel. And if one can neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one. – Virginia Woolf, ‘To the Lighthouse’

For they starve the frightened little child
Till it weeps both night and day:
And they scourge the weak, and flog the fool,
And gibe the old and grey,
And some grow mad, and all grow bad,
And none a word may say.
Each narrow cell in which we dwell
Is a foul and dark latrine,
And the fetid breath of living Death
Chokes up each grated screen,
And all, but Lust, is turned to dust
In Humanity's machine.

And all men kill the thing they love,
By all let this be heard,
Some do it with a bitter look,
Some with a flattering word,
The coward does it with a kiss,
The brave man with a sword.

– Oscar Wilde

For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like. – Abraham Lincoln

For what are they all in their high conceit,
When man in the bush with God may meet? – Ralph Waldo Emerson

For what avail the plough or sail,
Or land or life, if freedom fail?

– Ralph Waldo Emerson

For what could be more beautiful than the heavens which contain all beautiful things. – Nicholas Copernicus, 1543

For where God built a church, there the Devil would also build a chapel. – Luther

For years a secret shame destroyed my peace–
I’d not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.

– Justin Richardson.

Force has no place where there is need of skill. – Herodotus

Forgetfulness: A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience.

Forgive and forget. – Miguel de Cervantes

Forgive him, for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws of nature. – George Bernard Shaw

Forgive your enemies, but don’t forget their names. – John F Kennedy

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee
And I’ll forgive Thy great big one on me.

– Robert Frost

Forgiveness to the injured does belong;
But they ne’er pardon who have done the wrong.

– Dryden

Forms follow function, and often obliterate it.

Fortunate is he for whom the belle toils.

Fortune and love befriend the bold. – Ovid

Fortune is not on the side of the faint-hearted. – Sophocles

Forty isn’t old, if you’re a tree.

Four be the things I’d been better without:
Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.

– Dorothy Parker, ‘Not So Deep as a Well’

Four fifths of the perjury in the world is expended on tombstones, women and competitors. – Lord Thomas Dewar

Freedom is nothing else but the chance to do better. – Albert Camus

Freedom is slavery.
Ignorance is strength.
War is peace.

– George Orwell, ‘1984’

Freedom. As free as a bird, takes my breath away, the divine wind blows. – Buddhist poem

Fresco’s Discovery: If you knew what you were doing you’d probably be bored.

Freud’s 23rd law: ideas endure and prosper in inverse proportion to their soundness and validity.

Freudian Virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. – Thomas Jones

Friends, n: People who borrow your books and set wet glasses on them. People who know you well, but like you anyway.

Friendship is love without his wings. – Byron

Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority over the other. – Honore de Balzac

Frisbeetarianism, n.: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the on roof and gets stuck.

From a readers’ Q and A column in a 1985 TV GUIDE: ‘If we get involved in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs damage my videotapes?’

From lowest place when virtuous things proceed,
The place is dignified by the doer’s deed.

– William Shakespeare

From the ‘Guinness Book of World Records’, 1973:

Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which reads, ‘In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground nuts) Order, the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts, other than ground nuts, as would but for this amending Order not qualify as nuts (unground)(other than ground nuts) by reason of their being nuts (unground).’

From the fruitful soil of hope grows new discoveries.

From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. – Groucho Marx, from ‘The Book of Insults’

From too much love of living,
From hope and fear set free,
We thank with brief thanksgiving,
Whatever gods may be,
That no life lives forever,
That dead men rise up never,
That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea.

– Swinburne

Full fathom five thy father lies;
Of his bones are coral made;
Those are pearls that were his eyes:
Nothing of him that doth fade
But doth suffer a sea-change
Into something rich and strange.

– William Shakespeare

Full many a gem of purest ray serene
The dark unfathom’d caves of ocean bear;
Full many a flower is born to blush unseen,
And waste its sweetness on the desert air.

– Gray

Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. – H H Williams

Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union. – Joseph Stalin

Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!! – Adventures of Asterix

Gee, Toto, I don’t think we are in Kansas anymore.

General notions are generally wrong. – Lady M W Montagu

Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don’t, why you should.

Genius does what it must, and Talent does what it can. – Owen Meredith

Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration. – Thomas Edison

Genius is pain. – John Lennon

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. – Elbert Hubbard

Gentiles have drink, Jews have cake – Jackie Mason, Jewish comedian

Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying with your requests which have been sent by HM ship from London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch to our headquarters.
We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all manner of sundry items for which His Majesty’s Government holds me accountable. I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer. Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.
Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted for in one infantry battalion’s petty cash and there has been a hideous confusion as the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall.
This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of my instructions from His Majesty’s Government so that I may better understand why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both:
1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance:
2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.

– Duke of Wellington, to the British Foreign Office, London, 1812

George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one of his plays to Winston Churchill with the following note:
‘Bring a friend, if you have one.’

Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and excused himself as he had a previous engagement. He also attached the following:
‘Please send me two tickets for the next night, if there is one.’

George Orwell was an optimist.

George Washington was first in war, first in peace – and the first to have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend. – Ashley Cooper

Gerrold’s Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
(1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
(2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
(3) The energy required to change either one of these states will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so much as to make the task totally impossible.

Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children!

Get forgiveness now – tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he’ll invite himself over for dinner. – Calvin Keegan

Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters needs pounding.

Give me a place to stand and I will move the Earth. – Archimedes, inventor of the lever and fluid displacement, 287-212 BC

Give me chastity and continence, but not just now. – St. Augustine

Give me enough medals, and I’ll win any war. – Napoleon

Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore,
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed, to me:
I lift my lamp beside the golden door.

– Emma Lazarus, 1883, as inscribed on the base of the Statue of Liberty

Give up Catholicism for Lent.

Give us the luxuries of life, and we will dispense with its necessaries. – Motley

Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.

Given a choice between grief and nothing, I’d choose grief. – William Faulkner

Given enough time, what you put off doing today will eventually get done by itself.

Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I’d rather lie around. No contest. – Eric Clapton

Gluttony is not a secret vice. – Orson Welles

Go away, I’m all right. – the last words of H G Wells

Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no. – J R R Tolkien

Go on failing. Only next time, try to fail better. – Samuel Beckett

Go on writing plays, my boy. One of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his secretary, ‘Is there a play from Shaw this morning?’ and when she says ‘No,’ he will say, ‘Well, then we’ll have to start on the rubbish.’ And that’s your chance, my boy. – George Bernard Shaw to William Douglas Home

Go to the Scriptures… the joyful promises it contains will be a balsam to all your troubles. – Andrew Jackson

God’s mill grinds slow, but sure. – Goethe

God’s noblest work? Man. Who found it out? Man. – Mark Twain

God gave man two ears and one tongue so that we listen twice as much as we speak. – Arab proverb

God gives burdens; also shoulders. – Jewish saying

God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference.

God helps them that help themselves. – Benjamin Franklin

God instructs the heart, not by ideas but by pains and contradictions. – De Caussade

God is a comic playing to an audience that’s afraid to laugh.

God is the tangential point between zero and infinity. – Alfred Jarry

God made him, and therefore let him pass for a man. – William Shakespeare

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board – Mark Twain

God made the country, and man made the town. – William Cowper

God made the integers; all else is the work of Man. – Kronecker

God may be subtle, but he isn’t plain mean. – Albert Einstein

God must love stupid people; he made so many of them.

God must love the common man: He made so many of them.

God of our fathers, known of old,
Lord of our far-flung battle-line,
Beneath whose awful hand we hold
Dominion over palm and pine –
Lord God of Hosts, be with us yet,
Lest we forget – lest we forget.

– from ‘Recessional’ by Rudyard Kipling, 1897

God said it, I believe it and that’s all there is to it.

God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains; it is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world. – C S Lewis

Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car mechanic.

Golden lads and girls all must,
As chimney-sweepers, come to dust.

– William Shakespeare

Good Americans when they die go to Paris. – Appleton

Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. – La Rochefoucauld

Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life. – Mark Twain

Good intentions are far more difficult to cope with than malicious behaviour.

Good news is just life’s way of keeping you off balance.

Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre. – Gail Godwin

Good words without deeds are rushes and reeds.

Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored. – George Saunders’ dying words

Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored. – the dying words of George Saunders

Gosh that takes me back… or is it forward? That’s the trouble with time travel, you never can tell. – Doctor Who, ‘Androids of Tara’

Gosod by Galon Ar Addysg (The soul with no knowledge is not good) – Welsh motto over stone fireplace of the playhouse of ‘Taliesin‘, a house built by Frank Lloyd Wright

Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish. Don’t overdo it. – Lao Tsze

Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage. – John Updike, ‘Couples’

Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are different lies.

Graecum est, non legitur. (It is Greek, unreadable). – Middle Ages’ apophthegm

Grammar, which knows how to control even kings. – Moliere

Great God! I’d rather be
A Pagan suckled in a creed outworn,
So might I, standing on this pleasant lea,
Have glimpses that would make me less forlorn;
Have sight of Proteus rising from the sea,
Or hear old Triton blow his wreathed horn.

– Wordsworth

Great acts are made up of small deeds. – Lao Tsze

Great minds run in great circles.

Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. – Albert Einstein

Great wits are sure to madness near allied,
And thin partitions do their bounds divide.

– Dryden

Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with. – Mark Twain

Grief is the price we pay for love – Queen Elizabeth II, following destruction of NY World Trade Centre in 2001

Growing old isn’t bad when you consider the alternatives. – Maurice Chevalier

Grub first, then ethics. – Bertolt Brecht

Gyroscope, n.: A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin. – Webster’s Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary

Habit is a second nature. – Michel Montaigne

Had I but served my God with half the zeal
I served my king, he would not in mine age
Have left me naked to mine enemies.

– William Shakespeare

Half of being smart is knowing what you’re dumb at.

Half of what you know today will be obsolete in five years - but it would be nice to know which half.

Half the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important. – T S Eliot

Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way. – Pink Floyd

Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others.

Happiness depends, as Nature shows,
Less on exterior things than most suppose.

– William Cowper

Happiness is good health and a bad memory. – Ingrid Bergman

Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. – Ogden Nash

Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory. — Albert Schweitzer

Happiness is often the result of being too busy to be miserable.

Happiness isn’t something you experience; it’s something you remember. – Oscar Levant

Happy the man, and happy he alone,
He who can call to-day his own;
He who, secure within, can say,
To-morrow, do thy worst, for I have liv’d to-day.

– Dryden

Hard work may not kill you, but why take chances?

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance. – Charlie McCarthy

Hardware, n.: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

Haste makes waste. – John Heywood

Hate the sin and love the sinner. – Mahatma Gandhi

Have a good holiday, Perkins – I shall have some bad news for you when you get back. – cartoon in ‘Punch’ magazine

Have no friends equal to yourself – Confucius

Have no friends not equal to yourself. – Confucius

Have nothing in your houses that you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful. – William Morris

Have the courage to take your own thoughts seriously, for they will shape you. – Albert Einstein

Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell you, ‘There’s a time for work and a time for play’ never find the time for play?

Have you lived here all your life?
Oh, twice that long.

Have you noticed the way people’s intelligence capabilities decline sharply the minute they start waving guns around? – Dr. Who

Having a baby isn’t so bad. If you’re a female Emperor penguin in the Antarctic. She lays the egg, rolls it over to the father, then takes off for warmer weather where she eats and eats and eats. For two months, the father stands stiff, without food, blind in the 24-hour dark, balancing the egg on his feet. After the little penguin is hatched, the mother sees fit to come home. – L M Boyd, ‘Austin American-Statesman’

Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain. – Martin Mull

Having health, you have 1.
Having money, you have 10.
Having fame, you have 100.
Loosing health, you have 00.

– Chinese proverb, used by Greek President Constantinos Karamanles at Athens in 1991

Having no talent is no longer enough. – Gore Vidal

Having nothing, nothing can he lose. – William Shakespeare, ‘Henry VI’

Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods. – Socrates

Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here. – Dan Quayle, during visit to Hawaii in 1989

He’s just a politician trying to save both his faces…

He’s like Don Giovanni. He means it when he says it. – Paddy Ashdown, on Tony Blair

He’s the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is…

He ain’t broke, he fixed it. – Critic of Bert Lance (‘If it ain’t broke…’), following his acquittal on unsound banking charges

He hath eaten me out of house and home. – William Shakespeare, ‘Henry IV’

He is considered a most graceful speaker who can say nothing in the most words.

He is now rising from affluence to poverty. – Mark Twain

He is quite right. It is exactly as I would be if I did not try hard to be virtuous. – Socrates, when judged by a physiognomist as ‘lustful a liar and probably a thief as well’

He is the best of men who dislikes power. – Mohammed

He jests at scars that never felt a wound. – William Shakespeare

He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn’t ordered.

He ne’er is crown’d
With immortality, who fears to follow
Where airy voices lead.

– Keats

He passed a cottage with a double coach-house,
– A cottage of gentility;
And he owned with a grin,
That his favourite sin
Is pride that apes humility.

– Southey

He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace. – John Mason Brown, drama critic

He preferred an honest man that wooed his daughter, before a rich man. ‘I would rather,’ said Themistocles, ‘have a man that wants money than money that wants a man.’ – Plutarch

He said they that were serious in ridiculous matters would be ridiculous in serious affairs. – Plutarch

He sendeth springs into the valleys which run among the hills
Oh that men would praise the Lord for His goodness.

Unfit for drinking.

– two signs by spring at Fulking, Sussex

He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book. – Benjamin Franklin

He that dies pays all debts. – William Shakespeare

‘He that hath ears to hear, let him hear’, said Deborah, and she thought of the callousness of Jesus which no priest could explain. Let the dead bury their dead. All the people in the world, undressing now, or sleeping, not just in the village but in cities and capitals, they were shutting out the truth, they were burying their dead. They wasted silence. – Daphne du Maurier, from ‘The Pool’.

He that holds fast the golden mean,
And lives contentedly between the little and the great,
Feels not the wants that pinch the poor,
Nor plagues that haunt the rich man’s door. – Cowper

He that teaches himself has a fool for a master. – Benjamin Franklin

He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself.

He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.

He thought it happier to be dead,
To die for Beauty, than live for bread.

– Ralph Waldo Emerson

He was a bold man that first eat an oyster. – Swift

He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue. – Jonathon Swift

He was a modest, good-humoured boy. It was Oxford that made him insufferable.

He was not only a bore; he bored for England. – Malcolm Muggeridge, talking about Anthony Eden

He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.

He who Laughs, Lasts.

He who always finds fault in his friends has faulty friends.

He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for the human condition is a fool. – Albert Camus

He who despises himself nevertheless esteems himself as a self-despiser. – Friedrich Nietzsche

He who has a thousand friends has not a friend to spare,
And he who has one enemy will meet him everywhere.

– Ali Ben Abi Taleb

He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.

He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much a master of the world as he who is ready to die. – Giacomo Leopardi

He who hesitates is lost.

He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from the next freeway exit.

He who hoots with owls by night cannot soar with eagles by day.

He who is intoxicated with wine will be sober again in the course of the night, but he who is intoxicated by the cupbearer will not recover his senses until the day of judgement. – Saadi

He who kills one person kills mankind. – Mohammed

He who knows not and knows that he knows not is ignorant. Teach him.
He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool. Shun him.
He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep. Wake him.

He who knows others is wise.
He who knows himself is enlightened.

– Lao Tsze

He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough. – Lao Tsze

He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know. – Lao Tsze

He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is self-propagating. – Umberto Eco, ‘The Name of the Rose’

He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news. – Bertolt Brecht

He who laughs last – probably didn’t get the joke.

He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes.

He who renders warfare fatal to all engaged in it will be the greatest benefactor the world has yet known. – Sir Richard Burton

He who should teach men to die would at the same time teach them to live. – Michel Montaigne

He who slings mud loses ground. – Chinese Proverb

He who turns the other cheek too far gets it in the neck. – Herth’s Law

He who walks on burning coals is sure to get burned. – Sinbad

He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder. – M C Escher

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. – Redd Foxx

Hear lies the body of Mary Sexton
Who pleased many men but never vexed one
Unlike the one who lies under the next stone.

– tombstone, St Mary's, Bideford

Heat not a furnace for your foe so hot
That it do singe yourself.

– William Shakespeare

Heaven doth with us as we with torches do,
Not light them for themselves; for if our virtues
Did not go forth of us, ’t were all alike
As if we had them not.

– William Shakespeare

Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks French, the mechanics German, the lovers Greeks, the drinkers Australian and it’s all organised by the Swiss.
Hell is where the cooks are British, the mechanics French, the drinkers Swiss, the police German, the lovers Australian and it’s all organised by the Greeks.

– Greg Olson-Hyde, ‘ProQuotes’

Heaven: A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own.

Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned. – Milton Friedman

Hell is empty and all the devils are here. – from ‘The Tempest’

Hell, n: Truth seen too late.

Hello. You have reached the Coalition To Eliminate Answering Machines. Unfortunately, no one can come to the phone right now...

Henry Ford (car maker): This machine doesn’t take time off or demand higher wages.
Walter Reuther (union leader): How many cars does it buy?

Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’? – Jay Leno

Here Isobel my wife doth lie
She’s at peace, and so am I.

– tombstone, Thornet churchyard, York

Here at least the spirit of the ancient builders was at one with the spirit of the modern beholder.Standing before this abraded pile, the eye regarded its present usage, the mind dwelt upon its past history, with a satisfied sense of functional continuity throughout. … For once medievalism and modernism had a common standpoint. – Thomas Hardy, describing the great barn, ‘Far From the Madding Crowd’, 1874.

Here is a country that fought and won a noble war, dismantled a mighty empire in a generally benign way, created a far-seeing welfare state – in short did everything right – and then spent the rest of the century looking on itself as a chronic failure. – Bill Bryson on Great Britain, from ‘Notes From a Small Island’

Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: if you’re alive, it isn’t.

Here lay the tragedy. Western man is so constituted that he cannot abide contentment. It is the unforgivable sin. He must forever strive towards some unseen goal, whether it be material comfort, a greater and purer God, or some weapon that will make him master of the universe. As he becomes more conscious he becomes more restless. more grasping, forever finding fault with the warm dust from which he sprang and to which he must return, forever desirous of improving and so enslaving his fellow man. – Daphne du Maurier, from ‘The Archduchess’.

Here lies John White who, day by day
On river works did use much clay
Is now himself turning that way

– Enfield Church: memorial to John White, surveyor of the New River Company

Here lies a man with sundry flaws
And numerous Sins upon his head;
We buried him today because
As far as we can tell, he’s dead.

– P D Q Bach’s epitaph

Here lies the son; here lies the mother;
Here lies the daughter; here lies the father;
Here lies the sister; here lies the brother;
Here lie the wife and the husband.
Still there are only three people here.

– Verse on an old gravestone at Alencourt, near Paris.

Here sleeps in peace a Hampshire Grenadier;
Who caught his death by drinking small beer,
Soldiers be wise from his untimely fall
And when ye're hot drink Strong or nothing at all.

– headstone near Winchester cathedral

Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??! – W C Fields

Hildebrant’s Principle: If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there.

His best companions, innocence and health;
And his best riches, ignorance of wealth.

– Goldsmith

His great aim was to escape from civilisation, and, as soon as he had money, he went to Southern California.

His ideas of first-aid stopped short of squirting soda water. – P G Wodehouse

His mind is like a steel trap - full of mice. – Foghorn Leghorn

Histories are fuller of examples of the fidelity of dogs than of friends.

History doesn’t repeat itself – historians merely repeat each other.

History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion – i.e., none to speak of. – Lazarus Long

History is a set of lies agreed by the victors.

History is curious stuff
You’d think by now we had enough
Yet the fact remains I fear
They make more of it every year.

History is littered with wars which everybody ‘knew’ would never happen. – Enoch Powell

History is what man does with death. — Georg Hegel

History matters because it is our collective memory, which is the best weapon against tyranny. Without history, anyone could tell us anything. — Michael Palin

History proves nothing.

History repeats itself. that’s one of the things wrong with history.

History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives. – Abba Eban

History, n.: Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we learn nothing from history. I know people who can’t even learn from what happened this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long view. – Chad C Mulligan, ‘The Hipcrime Vocab’

Hollow chocolate has no calories.

Hollywood is where if you don’t have happiness you send out for it. – Rex Reed

Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a cage is to a cockatoo. – George Bernard Shaw

Honesty’s the best policy. – Miguel de Cervantes

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense

Honesty pays, but it doesn’t seem to pay enough to suit some people. – F M Hubbard

Honesty: The best of all the lost arts. – Mark Twain

Honeymoon, n: A short period of doting between dating and debting. – Ray C Bandy

Hope belongs to a world that recognises the idea of limits; going with the grain of nature and cherishing and learning from the best of what we have inherited from the past. – Charles, Prince of Wales, Millennium speech

Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper. – Francis Bacon

Hope is a waking dream. – Aristotle

Hope not, lest ye be disappointed. – M Horner

Hope springs eternal in the human breast. – Alexander Pope

Hoping to goodness is not theologically sound. – Peanuts

Horngren’s Observation: Among economists, the real world is often a special case.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. – W C Fields

Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed. – Neil Armstrong

Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed. – first words from the moon, 1969

How bitter a thing it is to look into happiness through another man’s eyes! – William Shakespeare

How can you be in two places at once when you’re not anywhere at all?

How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese? – Charles de Gaulle

How can you have any pudding if you don’t eat your meat? – Pink Floyd

How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another in the waking state. – Plato

How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers?

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

How comes it to pass, then, that we appear such cowards in reasoning, and are so afraid to stand the test of ridicule. – A Cooper

How far that little candle throws his beams!
So shines a good deed in a naughty world.

– William Shakespeare

How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you’re on.

How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None: ‘We’ll fix it in software.’

‘How many people work here?’
‘Oh, about half.’

How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are 3.155 x 10^7, you won’t even try to remember it. On the other hand, who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a nano-century. – Tom Duff, Bell Labs

How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None: ‘We’ll document it in the manual.’

How many technical writers does it take to change a light bulb?
None: ‘The user can work it out.’

How oft the sight of means to do ill deeds
Make deeds ill done!

– William Shakespeare

How often misused words generate misleading thoughts. – Herbert Spencer, 1892

How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is
To have a thankless child!

– William Shakespeare

How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world. – Anne Frank

How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.

How you can tell that it’s going to be a rotten day?
Your income tax refund cheque bounces.

Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.

Human kind cannot bear very much reality. – T S Eliot, ‘Four Quartets: Burnt Norton’

Humility is the first of the virtues – for other people. – Oliver W Holmes

Humour is a drug which it’s the fashion to abuse. – William Gilbert

I’d be a poorer man if I’d never seen an eagle fly. – John Denver

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I’d horsewhip you if I had a horse. – Groucho Marx

I’d love to go out with you, but I’m attending the opening of my garage door.

I’d love to go out with you, but I’m converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.

I’d love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I’ve got to undo it.

I’d love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat.

I’d love to go out with you, but it’s my parakeet’s bowling night.

I’d love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never came back.

I’d love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that need worrying about.

I’d love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair. – Bette Davis, ‘Cabin in the Cotton’

I’d never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member. – Groucho Marx

I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

I’d rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy. – Fred Allen, also attributed to S Clay Wilson

I’d rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42. – W C Fields

I’ll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I’d listen to it! – Tom Galloway, with apologies to Voltaire

I’ll discuss it with my cat and get back to you.

I’ll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob. That will *prove* I’m Robin Hood. – Daffy Duck, ‘Robin Hood Daffy’ [1958, Chuck Jones]

I’ll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.

I’ll turn over a new leaf. – Miguel de Cervantes

I’m a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from man.

I’m a moral person but I think, like most people, my moral values tend to be fuzzy. – Mick Jagger

I’m all for computer dating, but I wouldn’t want one to marry my sister.

I’m beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money. Why do you say that? Listen to this from his bill: ’For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.00.’

I’m defending her honour, which is more than she ever did.

I’m dying beyond my means. – Oscar Wilde, his last words, while sipping champagne

I’m fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in. – George McGovern

I’m glad I don’t like spinach because if I did, I’d eat it, and God knows I hate the stuff.

I’m glad I was not born before tea. – Sidney Smith (1771-1845)

‘I’m Glad You’re In My Dash’:

I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone,
From the beginning...to the end.
He noted that first came her date of birth
And spoke the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years.
(1934 - 1998)
For that dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth...
And now only those who loved her,
Know what that little line is worth.
For it matters not, how much we own;
The cars...the house...the cash,
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.
So think about this long and hard...
Are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left,
That can still be rearranged.
If we could just slow down enough
To consider what’s true and real,
And always try to understand
The way other people feel
And be less quick to anger,
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we’ve never loved before.
If we treat each other with respect,
And more often wear a smile..
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.
So, when your eulogy’s being read
With your life’s actions to rehash...
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash?

I’m living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart. – E E Cummings

I’m not a lovable man. – Richard Nixon.

I’m not afraid of death – I just don’t want to be there when it happens. – Woody Allen

I’m not denyin’ that women are foolish; God Almighty made ’em to match men. – Eliot, George

I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president. – Hillary Rodham Clinton, First Lady

I’m not tense, just terribly alert.

I’m not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It’s just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

I’m not unemployed - I’m looking for the perfect job.

I’m pink, therefore I’m spam. – Monty Python

I’m prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life.

I’m returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it (your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage. – English Professor, Providence College

I’m very old-fashioned. I believe that people should marry for life, like pigeons and Catholics. – Woody Allen

I’m willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people’s lives

I’ve enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.

I’ve given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it. – Groucho Marx

I’ve had fun before. This isn’t it.

I’ve known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child – sometimes on the same day.

I’ve never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother. – W C Fields

I’ve seen better heads on half a pint of beer.

I’ve touch’d the highest point of all my greatness;
And from that full meridian of my glory
I haste now to my setting. I shall fall,
Like a bright exhalation in the evening
And no man see me more.

– William Shakespeare

I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a professor or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any other minority viewpoint – no matter how distasteful to the majority. – Richard Nixon

What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism? – Richard Nixon

I always choose my friends for their good looks and my enemies for their good intellects. Man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies. – Oscar Wilde, ‘The Picture of Dorian Gray’

I always felt that the great high privilege, relief and comfort of friendship was that one had to explain nothing. – Katherine Mansfield

I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never any good to oneself. – Oscar Wilde, ‘An Ideal Husband’

I am NOT in denial.

I am a PC technician. However, this has unfortunately caused my computer to be running Windows 98. – FreeBSD mailing-list

I am a man: nothing human is alien to me. – Publilius Terentius Afer (Terence)

I am a part of all that I have read. – John Kieran

I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else. – Winston Churchill

I am angry nearly every day of my life, but I have learned not to show it; and I still try to hope not to feel it, though it may take me another forty years to do it. – Louisa May Alcott

I am convinced that the truest act of courage is to sacrifice ourselves for others in a totally nonviolent struggle for justice. To be a man is to suffer for others. – Cesar Chavez

I am honoured today to begin my first term as the Governor of Baltimore, that is, Maryland. – William Donald Schaefer, in his inaugural address

I am just going outside and may be some time. – Captain Lawrence Oates

I am independent! I can live alone and I love to work. – Mary Cassat

I am left with no choice but to acknowledge the existence of a superior Intellect, responsible for the design and development of the incredible brain-mind relationship… I have to believe all this had an intelligent beginning. – Dr Robert J White, neurosurgeon

I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work.

I am not a crook. – Richard Nixon

I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today. – William Allen White

I am not an Economist. I am an honest man! – Paul McCracken

I am not young enough to know everything. – James M Barrie

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. – Winston Churchill

I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. – Professor Lowd, English, Ohio University

I am so optimistic about beef prices that I’ve just leased a pot roast with an option to buy.

I am sure care’s an enemy to life. – William Shakespeare

I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty, I like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence. – Samuel Johnson

I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway. – Dr. Dwight Van de Vate

I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway. – Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy, University of Tennessee at Knoxville

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me. – Dave Barry

I base my fashion taste on what doesn’t itch. – Gilda Radner

I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life, particularly if he has income and she is pattable. – Ogden Nash

I believe because I am told to believe ... My faith is faith; it is not evolved out of argumentation, nor does it seek the aid of that. – Christina Rossetti

I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean. – Gilbert K Chesterton

I believe that it is as much a right and duty for women to do something with their lives as for men and we are not going to be satisfied with such frivolous parts as you give us. – Louisa May Alcott

I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change. – Dan Quayle

‘I believe you have the wrong number’, said the old gentleman into the phone. ‘You’ll have to call the weather bureau for that information’.
‘Who was that?’ his young wife asked.
‘Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear’.

I bet you have fun chasing the soap around the bathtub. – Princess Diana, to a one-armed war veteran during a visit to a London veterans hospital

I can’t complain, but sometimes I still do. – Joe Walsh

I can’t decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling. – Florence Henderson

I can’t understand it. I can’t even understand the people who can understand it. – Queen Juliana of the Netherlands

I can’t understand why a person will take a year or two to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. – Fred Allen

I can’t understand why people are frightened of new ideas. I’m frightened of the old ones. – John Cage

I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself.

I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and 25 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be true. – Harry Truman

I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year’s fashions. – Lillian Hellman

I cannot believe that God plays dice with the cosmos. – Albert Einstein, on the randomness of quantum mechanics

I cannot help thinking that the death of the young is not in the plan of our being, and that we are ourselves greatly responsible for it. Indeed I believe we are at the beginning only of the art of living. – Georgiana Burne-Jones, writing to Rudyard Kipling’s wife Carrie after the death of Kipling’s daughter Josephine

I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I’d rather dance with the cows till you come home. – Groucho Marx

I could lie down like a tired child,
And weep away the life of care
Which I have borne, and yet must bear.

– Shelley

I decided law was the exact opposite of sex; even when it was good it was lousy. – Mortimer Zuckerman

I decline to accept the end of man. – Faulkner, William

I deserve respect for the things I did not do. – Dan Quayle

I didn’t know he was dead; I thought he was British.

I didn’t know it was impossible when I did it.

I didn’t like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions. The curtain was up.

I didn’t raise my boy to be a soldier. – A mother

I disagree with what you say but will defend to the death your right to tell such lies.

I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. – Voltaire

I do desire we may be better strangers. – William Shakespeare, ‘As You Like It’

I do enjoy a good long walk. – especially when my wife takes one.

I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to minds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary accountants fail to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a mind like mine to perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the bottom up, and then again from the top down, the result is always different. – Mrs. La Touche (19th cent.)

I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church, nor by any Church that I know of. My own mind is my own Church. – Thomas Paine

I do not believe that friends are necessarily the people you like best, they are merely the people who got there first. – Ustinov, Peter

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. – Isaac Asimov

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forego their use. – Galileo Galilei

I do not know myself and God forbid that I should. – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I do not know the method of drawing up an indictment against a whole people. – Burke

I do not know where to find in any literature, whether ancient or modern, any adequate account of that nature with which I am acquainted. Mythology comes nearest to it of any. – Henry David Thoreau

I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man. – Chuang-tzu

I do not seek the ignorant; the ignorant seek me. – I will instruct them. I ask nothing but sincerity. If they come out of habit, they become tiresome. – I Ching

I do not teach children, I give them joy. – Isadora Duncan

I do not want the peace that passeth understanding. I want the understanding which bringeth peace. – Helen Keller

I do not wish women to have power over men; but over themselves. – Mary Wollstonecraft

I do whatever the little voices tell me to do.

I don’t believe in astrology. But then I’m an Aquarius, and Aquarians don’t believe in astrology. – James R F Quirk

I don’t do mornings.

I don’t drink, I don’t like it, it makes me feel too good. – K Coates

I don’t even butter my bread. I consider that cooking. – Katherine Cebrian

I don’t have to take this abuse from you – I’ve got hundreds of people waiting to abuse me.

I don’t know anything about music. In my line you don’t have to. – Elvis Presley

I don’t know what Descartes’ got,
But booze can do what Kant cannot.

– Mike Cross

I don’t know what they do to the enemy but by God they frighten me. – Duke of Wellington, looking at his troops at Waterloo

‘I don’t know whether you are a saint or a fool’ said my lawyer. I replied ‘Is there a difference?’ – Frank Lloyd Wright

I don’t know who my grandfather was; I am much more concerned to know what his grandson will be. – Abraham Lincoln

I don’t like spinach, and I’m glad I don’t, because if I liked it I’d eat it, and I just hate it. – Clarence Darrow

I don’t mind going nowhere as long as it’s an interesting path. – Ronald Mabbitt

I don’t mind what Congress does, as long as they don’t do it in the streets and frighten the horses. – Victor Hugo

I don’t practice what I preach because I’m not the kind of person I preach to.

I don’t think so, said René Descartes. Just then, he vanished.

I don’t think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the other hand, if he were already in, I don’t think they’d let him out.

I don’t think this looks like a house. Do you? It’s more like another LC & DR station.
(LC & DR meaning London, Chatham and Dover Railway)

– D G Rossetti, speaking to Lily Caine on arrival at ugly bungalow at Birchington in 1882

I don’t trust anyone who is afraid to take ownership for their thoughts. – Mike Tarrani

I don’t understand, said the scientist, why you lemmings all rush down to the sea and drown yourselves.
How curious, said the lemming. The one thing I don’t understand is why you human beings don’t

– James Thurber

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying. – Woody Allen

I don’t want to belong to any club that would accept me as a member. – Groucho Marx

I don’t want to live on in my work, I want to live on in my apartment. – Woody Allen

I doubt, therefore I might be.

I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one’s business on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual becoming, with a goal in front and not behind. – George Bernard Shaw

I drink to make other people interesting. – George Jean Nathan

I feel no need for any other faith than my faith in human beings. – Pearl S Buck

I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on, so I woke up from sheer boredom.

I figure that if God actually does exist, He’s big enough to understand an honest difference of opinion. – Isaac Asimov

I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble. – Augustus Caesar

I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment. – Gotama Buddha

I gave up smoking, drinking and sex. It was the most *horrifying* twenty minutes of my life!

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it. – Mae West

I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise. – Chauncey Depew

I get up each morning, gather my wits.
Pick up the paper, read the obits.
If I’m not there I know I’m not dead.
So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.

Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent?
My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went.
But in spite of it all, I’m able to grin,
And think of the places my get-up has been.

– Pete Seeger

I go the way that Providence dictates. – Adolf Hitler

I got vision, and the rest of the world wears bifocals. – Butch Cassidy

I had a feeling once about mathematics – that I saw it all. Depth beyond depth was revealed to me – the Byss and the Abyss. I saw – as one might see the transit of Venus or even the Lord Mayor’s Show – a quantity passing through infinity and changing its sign from plus to minus. I saw exactly why it happened and why tergiversation was inevitable – but it was after dinner and I let it go. – Winston Churchill

I had another dream the other day about music critics. They were small and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped out of a painting by Goya. – Stravinsky

I had to hit him – he was starting to make sense.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means it’s going to be up all night. – Steven Wright

I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am. – Samuel Johnson

I hate quotations. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have a simple philosophy:

Fill what’s empty.
Empty what’s full.
Scratch where it itches.

– A R Longworth

I have a theory that it’s impossible to prove anything, but I can’t prove it.

I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it any time!

I have always noticed that whenever a radical takes to Imperialism, he catches it in a very acute form. – Winston Churchill, 1903

I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man’s being unable to sit still in a room. – Blaise Pascal

I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth and they never believe me. – Camillo Di Cavour

I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and to discharge my duties as king as I would wish to do without the help and support of the woman I love. – Edward, Duke of Windsor, 1936

I have gained this by philosophy: that I do without being commanded what others do only from fear of the law. – Aristotle

I have great faith in fools – self confidence my friends call it. – Edgar Allan Poe

I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning. – Plato

I have just had eighteen whiskeys in a row. I do believe that is a record. – the last words of Dylan Thomas

I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I have never met you, but if I do you’ll need a new nose and plenty of beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below. Westbrook Pegler, a guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you. You can take that as more of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry. – President Harry S Truman

I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind. – Kahlil Gibran

I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements in the Future. – Dan Quayle

I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming that I have never made one. – James Gordon Bennett

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter. – Blaise Pascal

I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole BODY! – from ‘Cerebus’

I have never been especially impressed by the heroics of people who are convinced they are about to change the world. I am more awed by those who struggle to make one small difference after another. – Ellen Goodman

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. – Mark Twain

I have never seen a greater monster or miracle in the world than myself. – Michel Montaigne

I have never understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts already catered for within the scope of any respectable domestic establishment. – Alan Bennett

I have not failed. I have just found 10,000 ways that won’t work. – Thomas Edison

I have not lost my mind - I know exactly where I left it.

I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying, and for this reason: I can never be satisfied with anyone who would be blockhead enough to have me. – Abraham Lincoln

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence. – Publilius Syrus

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming. – Jimmy Carter

I have sacrificed time, health, and fortune, in the desire to complete these Calculating Engines. I have also declined several offers of great personal advantage to myself. But, notwithstanding the sacrifice of these advantages for the purpose of maturing an engine of almost intellectual power, and after expending from my own private fortune a larger sum than the government of England has spent on that machine, the execution of which it only commenced, I have received neither an acknowledgement of my labours, not even the offer of those honours or rewards which are allowed to fall within the reach of men who devote themselves to purely scientific investigations…
If the work upon which I have bestowed so much time and thought were a mere triumph over mechanical difficulties, or simply curious, or if the execution of such engines were of doubtful practicability or utility, some justification might be found for the course which has been taken; but I venture to assert that no mathematician who has a reputation to lose will ever publicly express an opinion that such a machine would be useless if made, and that no man distinguished as a civil engineer will venture to declare the construction of such machinery impracticable…
And at a period when the progress of physical science is obstructed by that exhausting intellectual and manual labour, indispensable for its advancement, which it is the object of the Analytical Engine to relieve, I think the application of machinery in aid of the most complicated and abtruse calculations can no longer be deemed unworthy of the attention of the country. In fact, there is no reason why mental as well as bodily labour should not be economised by the aid of machinery.

– Charles Babbage, ‘The Life of a Philosopher’

I have seen the day of wrong through the little hole of discretion. – William Shakespeare

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. – Kehlog Albran, ‘The Profit’

I have spent most of my life studying the lives of other peoples – faraway peoples – so that Americans might better understand themselves. – Margaret Mead

I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best. – Oscar Wilde

I have three treasures which I hold and keep. The first is mercy; the second is economy. The third is daring not to be ahead of others. From mercy comes courage; from economy comes generosity; From humility comes leadership. – Lao Tzu

I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink. – Richard Burton

I have tried to make each of my workers an artist, and when I say an artist I mean a man. – William Morris

I have ways of making money that you know nothing of. – John D Rockefeller

I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated. – Poul Anderson

I haven’t lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it.

I heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very interesting: a man who takes more words than are necessary to tell more than he knows. – Dwight D Eisenhower

I hold the world but as the world, Gratiano, –
A stage, where every man must play a part;
And mine a sad one.

– William Shakespeare

I invent nothing. I rediscover. – Auguste Rodin

I just need enough to tide me over until I need more. – Bill Hoest

I know it all. I just can’t remember it all at once.

I know no method to secure the repeal of bad or obnoxious laws so effectual as their strict construction. – Ulysses S Grant

I know not how I came into this,
shall I call it a dying life or a living death.

– St. Augustine

I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. – Albert Einstein

I know on which side my bread is buttered. – John Heywood

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, however, I am not sure you realise, that what I think you heard is not what I meant

I like being single. I’m always there when I need me. – Art Leo

I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of the way and let them have it. – Dwight D Eisenhower

I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.

I like your game but we have to change the rules.

I liked the old Labour Party. The best thing is a good old Tory government with a strong Labour opposition – Elizabeth, the Queen Mother

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I’ve ever known. – Walt Disney

I love life, that’s my secret. – Elizabeth, HM Queen Mother

I love mankind … It’s people I hate. – Schulz

I love my country too much to be a nationalist. – Albert Camus

I love treason but hate a traitor. – Gaius Julius Caesar

I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbade myself the use of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such as ‘certainly’, ‘undoubtedly’, etc. I adopted instead of them ‘I conceive’, ‘I apprehend’, or ‘I imagine’ a thing to be so or so; or ‘so it appears to me at present’.
When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing him immediately some absurdity in his proposition. In answering I began by observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right, but in the present case there appeared or seemed to me some difference, etc.
I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly. The modest way in which I proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction. I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I happened to be in the right.

– Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin

I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but don’t let appearances fool you. I’m approaching old age… at the speed of light. – Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk

I may be schizophrenic, but at least I’ll always have each other.

I may have to keep some place where I can go to be myself now and then, for I cannot guarantee to endure at all times the confinements of even an attractive cage. – Amelia Earhart, to her future husband

I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent. – Ashleigh Brilliant

I mean by a picture a beautiful romantic dream of something that never was, never will be – in a light better than any light that ever shone – in a land no one can define or remember, only desire – and the forms divinely beautiful – Edward Burne-Jones

I must Create a System, or be enslav’d by another Man’s; I will not Reason and Compare; my business is to Create. – William Blake, ‘Jerusalem’

I must extract a cruel promise, and that is you will let me go in a year if we find no happiness together. – Amelia Earhart, to her future husband

I must follow the people. Am I not their leader? – Benjamin Disraeli

I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up. – Mark Twain, ‘The Innocents Abroad’

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighbourhood after dark. – Dick Gregory

I never deny, I never contradict. I sometimes forget. – Benjamin Disraeli, British PM, on dealing with the Royal Family

I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do was to go away.

I never forget a face, but I’ll make an exception in your case. – Groucho Marx

I never loved another person the way I loved myself. – Mae West

I never met a piece of chocolate I didn’t like.

I never pray before meals. – my mom’s a good cook.

I never spit in your drink - why do you smoke in my air?

I never think of the future. It comes soon enough. – Albert Einstein

I never vote for anyone. I always vote against. – W C Fields

I no longer get lost in the shuffle… I shuffle along with the lost.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation. – George Bernard Shaw

I opened Pandora’s box, let the cat out of the bag and put the ball in their court. – Hon. J Hacker (The Ministry of Administrative Affairs)

I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow!

I prefer the most unjust peace to the most righteous war. – Cicero

I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob. – William F Buckley

I put that wet grenade on the stove to dry, Sergeant Major. – last words of G McLean (Fusiliers)

I put up my thumb… and it blotted out the planet Earth. – Neil Armstrong

I read the newspaper avidly. It is my one form of continuous fiction. – Aneurin Bevan

I really hate this damned machine
I wish that they would sell it.
It never does quite what I want
But only what I tell it.

I say to you today, my friends, that in spite of the difficulties and frustrations of the moment I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed – ‘We hold these these truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal.’

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a desert state sweltering with the heat of injustice and oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the colour of their skin but by the content of their character.

– Martin Luther King, Jr, on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, 1963.

I say, there is no darkness but ignorance, in which thou art more puzzled than the Egyptians in their fog – William Shakespeare

I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope they do get ‘em lowered enough so people can afford to pay ‘em. – Will Rogers

I sent my son to England in 1914 thinking that my family, ever wedded to poverty, would become rich, and that my son would become famous. Like Achilles, he won everlasting fame; like Achilles, he died young. – Ramanujan’s mother writing to Hardy.

I shall give a propagandist reason for starting the war, no matter whether it is plausible or not. The victor will not be asked afterwards whether he told the truth or not. When starting and waging war it is not right that matters, but victory. – Adolph Hitler

I shall go to her but she shall not return to me. – on tablet by Byron’s tombstone in Harrow. His daughter Allegra, aged 5, was buried under church porch

I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck. – Graffito in Los Angeles

I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I’m older than most western countries. – George Burns

I shut my eyes in order to see. – Paul Gauguin

I speak to the black experience, but I am always talking about the human condition – about what we can endure, dream, fail at, and still survive. – Maya Angelou

I speak truth, not so much as I would, but as much as I dare; and I dare a little the more as I grow older. – Michel Montaigne

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone. – Steven Wright

I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made. – Dan Quayle

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it left.

I stay on terra firma: the more firm, the less terror. – Ann Widdecombe, on her height phobia

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. – Shirley Temple

I swear ’t is better to be much abused
Than but to know ’t a little.

– William Shakespeare

I think … therefore I am confused.

I think I’m schizophrenic. One half of me’s paranoid and the other half’s out to get him.

I think all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I’m certainly not! But I’m sick and tired of being told that I am. – Monty Python

I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot – Woody Allen

I think sex is better than logic, but I can’t prove it.

I think that I shall never see
A billboard lovely as a tree.
Perhaps, unless the billboards fall
I’ll never see a tree at all.

– Ogden Nash

I think that every town should have a park, or rather a primitive forest, of five hundred or a thousand acres, either in one body or several, where a stick would never be cut for fuel, not for the navy, not to make wagons, but stand and decay for higher uses - a common possession for instruction and recreation. – Henry Thoreau, writing in 1859.

I think the first duty of society is justice. – Alexander Hamilton

I think there’s a world market for about five computers. – Thomas J Watson, chairman of the board at IBM, 1943

I think, therefore I am… I think.

I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises! – Winston Churchill

I took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle of the page, and I was able to go through ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It’s about Russia. – Woody Allen

I treasure this strange combination found in very few persons: a fierce desire for life as well as a lucid perception of the ultimate futility of the quest. – Madeleine Gobeil

I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity. – Bill Veeck

I use not only all the brains I have, but all those I can borrow as well. – Woodrow Wilson

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. – Mae West

I used to be a lawyer, but now I am a reformed character. – Woodrow Wilson

I used to be an agnostic, but now I’m not so sure.

I used to be sane, but I got better.

I used to get high on life but lately I’ve built up a resistance.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realised who was telling me this. – Emo Phillips

I want that glib and oily art,
To speak and purpose not.

– William Shakespeare

I want to be the white man’s brother, not his brother-in-law. – Martin Luther King, Jr.

I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job. – George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign

I want to spend my Heaven doing good on earth. – St Theresa

I was a freethinker before I knew how to think. – George Bernard Shaw

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know. – Mark Twain

I was never ruined but twice, once when I lost a lawsuit, and once when I gained one. – Voltaire

I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending their lives doing things they detest to make money they don’t want to buy things they don’t need to impress people they dislike. – Emile Henry Gauvreay

I was shown Paradise and I saw that most of its inhabitants were poor people. I was shown Hell and I saw that most of its inhabitants were women. – Mohammed

I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any questions , I said yes, just one, if you’re in a car travelling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen?

He said he couldn’t answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn’t work for him then.

– Steven Wright

I went to my first computer conference at the New York Hilton about 20 years ago. When somebody there predicted the market for microprocessors would eventually be in the millions, someone else said, ‘Where are they all going to go? It’s not like you need a computer in every doorknob!’
Years later, I went back to the same hotel. I noticed the room keys had been replaced by electronic cards you slide into slots in the doors.
There was a computer in every doorknob.

– Danny Hillis

I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that it took seven others to beat him!

I will continue to be an impossible person as long as those who are now possible remain possible.

I will not be pushed, filed, indexed, briefed, debriefed, or numbered. I am not a number! I am a free man!

I will seek Beauty all my days

Within the dark chaos of a troubled world I will
seek and find some Beauteous Thing.

From eyes grown dim with weeping will shine a Light
to guide me, and in Sorrow’s Hour
I shall behold a great High Courage.

I shall find the wonder of an infinite Patience,
and a quiet Faith in coming Joy and Peace.

And Love will I seek in the midst of Discord, and
find swift eager hands out-stretched in welcome.

I will seek Beauty all my days, and in my quest
I shall not be dismayed.


– Aumonier, quoted by Catherine Cookson in her autobiography, ‘Our Kate’

I will succeed, I simply cannot fail
The only obstacle is doubt.
There’s not a hill I cannot scale
Once fear is put to rout.
Don’t think defeat,
Don’t talk defeat,
The word will rob you of your strength.
I will succeed, this phrase repeat
Throughout the journey’s length.

The moment that I can’t is said,
You slam a door right in your face.
Why not exclaim I will instead,
Half won is then the race.
You close the door to your success
By entertaining one small fear.
Think happiness, talk happiness,
Watch joy then coming near.

– ‘The Happy Mag’, 1929, quoted by Catherine Cookson in her autobiography, ‘Our Kate’

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There’s a knob called ‘brightness’, but it doesn’t work. – Gallagher

I wish, by the way, that I knew who separated Time from eternity; there seems only one thing to me, and I always feel that I am in eternity. – Georgiana Burne-Jones, writing to Sydney Cockerell two years before her death

I would have made a good pope. – Richard Nixon

I would have you imagine, then, that there exists in the mind of man a block of wax… and that we remember and know what is imprinted as long as the image lasts; but when the image is effaced, or cannot be taken, then we forget or do not know. – Plato, Dialogues, Theateus 191

I would like to suggest that you not use speed, and here’s why: it is going to mess up your heart, mess up your liver, your kidneys, rot out your mind. In general this drug will make you just like your mother and father. – Frank Zappa

I would much rather have men ask why I have no statue, than why I have one. – Marcus Procius Cato

I would not like to be a political leader in Russia. They never know when they’re being taped. – Richard Nixon

I would rather be a serf in a poor man’s house and be above ground than reign among the dead. – Achilles, ‘The Odyssey’, XI, 489-91

I would rather have a frontal lobotomy than a bottle in front of me.

I wouldn’t mind paying taxes – if I knew they were going to a friendly country. – Dick Gregory

I, Lucius Titus, have written this, my testament, without any lawyer, following my own natural reason rather than excessive and miserable diligence. – Lucius Titus: his Will as of a Citizen of Rome

Ideas don’t stay in some minds very long because they don’t like solitary confinement.

Ideas shape the course of history. – John Maynard Keynes

Idiot Box, n.: The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp when they can’t quite figure it out for themselves. – Rich Hall

If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut. – Albert Einstein

If Christianity was morality, Socrates would be the Saviour. – William Blake

If England treats her criminals the way she has treated me, she doesn’t deserve to have any. – Oscar Wilde, reportedly while standing handcuffed in a driving rain, waiting for transport to prison.

If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him. – Voltaire, ‘Epitres, XCVI’

If God didn’t mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn’t come three to a can.

If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears.

If God had intended Man to smoke, He would have set him on fire.

If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads.

If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with green, baggy skin.

If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.

If God hadn’t wanted me to be paranoid, He wouldn’t have given me such a vivid imagination.

If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows. – Yiddish saying

If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs. – Marvin Kitman

If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain:
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.

– Emily Dickinson

If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell. – Publilius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)

If I could drop dead right now, I’d be the happiest man alive! – Samuel Goldwyn

If I don’t see you in the future, I’ll see you in the pasture.

If I had any humility I would be perfect. – Ted Turner

If I had influence with the good fairy who is supposed to preside over the christening of all children, I should ask that her gift to each child in the world be a sense of wonder so indestructible that it would last throughout life. – Rachel Carson

If I had my life to live over, I’d try to make more mistakes next time. I would relax, I would limber up, I would be sillier than I have been this trip. I know of very few things I would take seriously. I would be crazier. I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers and watch more sunsets. I’d travel and see. I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones. You see, I am one of those people who lives prophylactically and sensibly and sanely, hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I have had my moments and, if I had it to do over again, I’d have more of them. In fact, I’d try to have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many years ahead each day. I have been one of those people who never go anywhere without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a gargle, a raincoat and a parachute. If I had it to do over again, I would go places and do things and travel lighter than I have. If I had my life to live over, I would start bare-footed earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would play hooky more. I probably wouldn’t make such good grades, but I’d learn more. I would ride on more merry-go-rounds. I’d pick more daisies.

If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith. – Albert Einstein

If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the shoulders of giants. – Isaac Newton

If I made peace with Russia today, I’d only attack her again tomorrow. I just couldn’t help myself. – Adolf Hitler

If I should die, think only this of me:
That there’s some corner of a foreign field
That is forever England

– Rupert Brooke, ‘The Soldier’

If I travelled to the end of the rainbow
As Dame Fortune did intend,
Murphy would be there to tell me
The pot’s at the other end.

– Bert Whitney

If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun of it. – Thomas Carlyle

If Karl, instead of writing a lot about capital, had made a lot of capital, it would have been much better. – Karl Marx’s Mother

If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.

If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape at about 30 miles/second. – Grishman, Assembly Language Programming

If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair. If this doesn’t work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.

If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, what is an empty desk the sign of?

If a first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried – D Walker

If a fool persists in his folly he shall become wise. – William Blake

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty. – Joseph C Goulden

If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of scepticism. – Friedrich Nietzsche

If a man has talent and cannot use it, he has failed. – Thomas Wolfe

If a man loses his reverence for any part of life, he will lose his reverence for all of life. – Albert Schweitzer

If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life. – Charles Darling, ‘Scintillae Juris, 1877

If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom; and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it will lose that, too. – W Somerset Maugham

If a scientist uncovers a publishable fact, it will become central to his theory. His theory, in turn, will become central to all scientific truth.

If a series of events can go wrong, it will do so in the worst possible sequence.

If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide? – Saint Augustine

If a situation requires undivided attention, it will occur simultaneously with a compelling distraction.

If a small child asks you where rain comes from, I think a reasonable response is simply that ‘God is crying.’ And, if he asks you why God is crying, the only possible answer is ‘Probably because of something you did.’

If all be true that I do think,
There be Five Reasons why one should Drink;
Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
Or lest we should be by-and-by,
Or any other reason why.

If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. – John Kenneth Galbraith

If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?

If all the economists in the world were laid end to end, they’d point in different directions.

If all the world’s a stage, I want to operate the trap door. – Paul Beatty

If all the world’s economists were laid end to end, we wouldn’t reach a conclusion. – William Baumol

If all the year were playing holidays,
To sport would be as tedious as to work.

– William Shakespeare

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. – Baruch

If an S and an I and an O and a U
With an X at the end spell Su;
And an E and a Y and an E spell I,
Pray what is a speller to do?
Then, if also an S and an I and a G
And an HED spell side,
There’s nothing much left for a speller to do
But to go commit siouxeyesighed.

– Charles Follen Adams, ‘An Orthographic Lament’

If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. – Finagle’s First Law

If an item is advertised as ‘under $50’, you can bet it’s not $19.95. – McGowan’s Madison Avenue Axiom

If anything can’t go wrong it will.

If anything can go wrong, it will.

If anything can go wrong, it will. If there’s any likelihood of several things happening, the first one will be the one that causes the most damage. If nothing can go wrong, it will anyway. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. If everything appears to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. – Murphy’s Law

If at first you don’t succeed, get new batteries.

If at first you don’t succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.

If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.

If at first you don’t succeed, try something else.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. – W E Hickson

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. – W C Fields, also attributed to Roy Mengot

If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilisation. – Weinberg’s Second Law

If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will serve us right. – Alistair Cooke

If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?

If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods. – Williams and Holland’s Law

If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?

If everybody minded their own business, the world would go around a deal faster. – The Duchess, ‘Through the Looking Glass’

If everything is coming your way then you’re in the wrong lane.

If eyes were made for seeing,
Then Beauty is its own excuse for being.

– Ralph Waldo Emerson

If facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.

If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it’s still a foolish thing. – Bertrand Russell

If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry. – Chinese proverb

If he had only learnt a little less, how infinitely better he might have taught much more!

If his IQ was any lower he’d be a plant.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t there more happy people?

If ignorance isn’t bliss, I don’t know what it is.

If in doubt, mumble.

If it’s good they will stop making it.

If it’s good, they discontinue it.

If it ain’t broke don’t fix it. – Bert Lance, 1977

If it can be borrowed and it can be broken,
you will borrow it and
you will break it.

If it happens, it must be possible.

If it looks complicated, lose interest.

If it looks easy it’s tough, if it looks tough it’s impossible.

If it sits on your desk for fifteen minutes, you’ve just become the expert.

If it were possible to heal sorrow by weeping and to raise the dead with tears, gold were less prized than grief. – Sophocles

If it would be cheaper to buy a new unit, the company will insist upon repairing the old one.

If it would be cheaper to repair the old one, the company will insist on the latest model.

If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.

If little else, the brain is an educational toy. – Tom Robbins

If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by the page number.

If men and women cease to believe in God so that the very idea of God passes out of their minds they will come to resemble a race of very clever monkeys… and their ultimate fate will be too horrible to contemplate. – Father Karl Rahner

If money can’t buy happiness, I guess you’ll just have to rent it.

If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world. – J R R Tolkien

If music be the food of love, play on. – William Shakespeare, William – from ‘Twelfth Night’

If music be the food of love, play on;
Give me excess of it, that, surfeiting,
The appetite may sicken, and so die.

– William Shakespeare

If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination. – Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859)

If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all. – Oscar Wilde

If one cannot state a matter clearly enough so that even an intelligent twelve-year-old can understand it, one should remain within the cloistered walls of the university and laboratory until one gets a better grasp of the subject matter. – Margaret Mead

If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants. – Albert Einstein

If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out. – Oscar Wilde, ‘Phrases and Philosophies for the Use of the Young’

If one views his problem closely enough he will recognise himself as part of the problem.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. – Woody Allen, ‘Without Feathers’

If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without having to accomplish anything.

If only one price can be obtained for any quotation, the price will be unreasonable.

If only we’d stop trying to be happy, we could have a pretty good time. – Edith Wharton

If parents would only realise how they bore their children. – George Bernard Shaw

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed. – Albert Einstein

If people say that here and there someone has been taken away and maltreated, I can only reply: You can’t make an omelette without breaking eggs. – Hermann Goering

If people see that you mean them no harm, they’ll never hurt you, nine times out of ten.

If poverty is the mother of crime, stupidity is its father. – Bruce de la Bruyere,14th century French writer

If religion does not make us better people, it will make us very much worse. And of all the bad men who have lived, the religious ‘bad man’ is the worst of all. – C S Lewis

If somebody will fund it, somebody will do it.

If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied harder. – Pope John Paul I

If something is worth doing, it is worth doing badly. – Gilbert K Chesterton

If the King’s English was good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for me! – ‘Ma’ Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920)

If the Lord God Almighty had consulted me before embarking upon the Creation, I would have recommended something simpler. – Alfonso the Wise, 13th Century King of Castile, Commenting on the Almagest, by Ptolemy.

If the assumptions are wrong, the conclusions aren’t likely to be very good.

If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting that you shall learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The college, which should be a place of delightful labour, is made odious and unhealthy, and the young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to rally their jaded spirits. I would have the studies elective. Scholarship is to be created not by compulsion, but by awakening a pure interest in knowledge. The wise instructor accomplishes this by opening to his pupils precisely the attractions the study has for himself. The marking is a system for schools, not for the college; for boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to put on a professor. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

If the course you wanted most has room for ‘n’ students you will be the ‘n + 1’ to apply.

If the facts don’t conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.

If the facts don’t fit the theory, change the facts. – Albert Einstein

If the faulty part is in stock, it didn’t need replacing in the first place.

If the master dies and the disciple grieves, the lives of both have been wasted.

If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances are fifty-fifty it will.

If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads. – Anatole France

If the single man plant himself indomitably on his instincts, and there abide, the huge world will come round to him. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

If the weather is unreasonably chilly, blame global warming. – M Roche

If the world were a logical place, men would ride sidesaddle.

If there are two or more ways to do something, and one of those ways can result in a catastrophe, then someone will do it. – Edward A Murphy, as engineer during US rocket experiments in 1949. Often misquoted as Murphy’s Law.

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life. – Albert Camus

If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. – Parkinson’s Fifth Law

If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it every time. – Rudin’s Law

If there is no wind, row. – Polish proverb

If there were no God, it would be necessary to invent him. – Voltaire

If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make something out of you. – Muhammad Ali

If they fund a terrorist, they’re a terrorist. If they house terrorists, they’re terrorists. – George Bush

If things can only get better, why do they go on getting worse? – Keith Waterhouse

If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?

If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of? – Croll’s Query

If to do were as easy as to know what were good to do, chapels had been churches, and poor men’s cottages princes’ palaces. – William Shakespeare

If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was yesterday?

If triangles had a God, He’d have three sides. – old Yiddish proverb

If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is doing the thinking. – Lyndon Baines Johnson

If voting could change the system, it would be illegal. If not voting could change the system, it would be illegal.

If we all did the things we are capable of doing we would literally astound ourselves. – Thomas Edison

If we can’t fix it, it ain’t broke. – Maintainer’s Motto

If we cannot now end our differences, at least we can help make the world safe for diversity. – John F Kennedy

If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure. – Dan Quayle

If we had less statesmanship we could get along with fewer battleships. – Mark Twain

If we learn by our mistakes, I’m getting one hell of an education!

If we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time of it. – Oscar Wilde

If we were meant to fly, we wouldn’t keep losing our luggage.

If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary qualifications, that field’s employment market is glutted. – Marguerite Emmons

If winning isn’t everything, why do they keep score?

If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning. – Aristotle Onassis

If you’re coasting, you’re going downhill.

If you’re early, it’ll be cancelled.
If you knock yourself out to be on time, you will have to wait.
If you’re late, you will be too late.

If you’re feeling good, don’t worry, you’ll get over it.

If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. – Henny Youngman

If you’re happy, you’re successful.

If you’re not very clever you should be conciliatory. – Benjamin Disraeli

If you’re right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3?

If you’re wondering if you left the coffee pot plugged in, you did.

If you’re wondering if you need to stop and pick up bread and eggs on the way home, you do.

If you’re wondering if you took the meat out to thaw, you didn’t.

If you’re worried about being crazy, don’t be overly concerned: If you were, you would think you were sane.

If you’ve seen one redwood, you’ve seen them all. – Ronald Reagan

If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren’t well enough to travel.

If you analyse anything, you destroy it. – Arthur Miller

If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it? – Ann Edwards-Duff

If you are afraid of loneliness, don’t marry. – Chekhov

If you are already in a hole, there’s no use to continue digging.

If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.

If you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance.

If you buy bananas or avocados before they are ripe, there won’t be any left by the time they are ripe. If you buy them ripe, they rot before they are eaten.

If you can’t learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.

If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars. – J Paul Getty

If you can get to the faulty part, you don’t have the tool to get it off.

If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, then you clearly don’t understand the situation.

If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn’t a horse.

If you can read this, you’re too close.

If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.

If you cannot convince them, confuse them. – Harry S Truman

If you cannot in the long run tell everyone what you have been doing, your doing was worthless. – Edwim Schrodinger

If you change queues, the one you just left will start to move faster than the one you are now in.

If you continually give you will continually have.

If you cut too many corners, you end up running around in circles.

If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people. – Virginia Woolf

If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one. – John Galsworthy

If you do not wish a man to do a thing, you had better get him to talk about it; for the more men talk, the more likely they are to do nothing else. – Carlyle

If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.

If you don’t ask, you don’t get! – Richard Branson

If you don’t care where you are, then you ain’t lost.

If you don’t count some of Jehovah’s injunctions, there are no humorists in the Bible. – Mordecai Richler

If you don’t go to other men’s funerals they won’t go to yours. – Clarence Day

If you don’t have a nasty obituary you probably didn’t matter. – Freeman Dyson

If you don’t know where you’re going any road will get you there.

If you don’t like the answer, you shouldn’t have asked the question.

If you don’t say it, they can’t repeat it.

If you don’t strike oil in twenty minutes, stop boring. – Andrew Carnegie, on public speaking

If you don’t write to complain, you’ll never receive your order. If you do write, you’ll receive the merchandise before your angry letter reaches its destination.

If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you’re going to have to get a toehold in the public eye.

If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.

If you explain something so clearly that no one can possibly misunderstand, someone will.

If you fool around with something long enough, it will eventually break.

If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it will always do it. – D Les Aspin, Wisconsin

If you give a man enough rope, he’ll claim he’s tied up at the office.

If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce. – Winston Churchill

If you had any brains, you’d be dangerous.

If you have a difficult task give it to a lazy man, he will find an easier way to do it.

If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person – they will find an easier way to do it. – Hlade’s Law

If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong.

If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent. – Bette Davis

If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough chances are someone else will do it for you.

If you have to ask how much it is, you can’t afford it.

If you have to ask what jazz is, you’ll never know. – Louis Armstrong

If you have to ask, you are not entitled to know.

If you have to hate, hate gently

If you have to think twice about it, you’re wrong.

If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you - the next time he’s in need.

If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don’t want his the paper.

If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don’t want hits the paper. – DeVries’s Dilemma

If you ignore it, it will go away. – Elizabeth, HM Queen Mother, on illness

If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot yourself in the posterior. – A J Liebling

If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.

If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of rubbish into it. – William Orton

If you knew what you were doing, you’d probably be bored.

If you know the answer to a question, don’t ask. – Petersen Nesbit

If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end. – Mark Twain

If you leave the room, you’re elected.

If you liked the Earth you’ll love Heaven.

If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee. – Graham Summer

If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few people die past the age of a hundred. – George Burns

If you make people think they’re thinking, they’ll love you; but if you really make them think they’ll hate you.

If you mess with a thing long enough, it’ll break. – Schmidt

If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. – Maslow

If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly develop.

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. – Mark Twain

If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow ennobled and none dare criticised it.

If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a restaurant. – Snoopy

If you remember the 60’s, you weren’t there.

If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of doing you good, you should run for your life.

If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent to do you good, you should run for your life. – Henry Thoreau

If you sit down at a poker game and don’t see a sucker, get up. You’re the sucker.

If you smile when everything goes wrong, you are either a nitwit or a repairman.

If you stew apples like cranberries, they taste more like prunes than rhubarb does. – Groucho Marx

If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,
It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock.
Or some joker who is slicker,
Will trick you of your liquor,
If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.

If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything. – Mark Twain

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. – Derek Bok, president of Harvard

If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens tomorrow!

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments. – Earl Wilson

If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest shopping center in the world? – Richard Nixon

If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we’ve solved it. – Arthur Kasspe

If you think you have the solution, the question was poorly phrased.

If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them end to end, they’d be a lot more comfortable. – ‘Graffiti in the Big Ten’

If you treat people right they will treat you right - 90% of the time. – F D Roosevelt

If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it.

If you understand what you’re doing, you’re not learning anything. – A L

If you view your problem closely enough you will recognise yourself as part of the problem. – Ducharme’s Axiom

If you wait, it will go away
… having done it’s damage.
If it was bad, it’ll be back.

If you want a thing well done, get a couple of old broads to do it. – Bette Davis

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. – Woody Allen

If you want to make an enemy, do someone a favour.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

If you were in a vehicle and you were travelling at the speed of light and then you turned your lights on – would they do anything? – Steven Wright

If you wish me to weep, you yourself must feel grief. – Horace

If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings – including this one.

If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend.

If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some. – Benjamin Franklin

If your aim in life is nothing; you can’t miss.

If your condition seems to be getting better, it’s probably your doctor getting sick.

If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, I guess you do have a problem. – Richard Bach, ‘Illusions’

Ignisecond, n.: The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car door even as the brain is saying, ‘my keys are in there!’ – Rich Hall

Ignorance is a lack of knowledge. Stupidity is ignorance with pride.

Ignorance is bliss. – Thomas Gray

Ignorance, arrogance, and racism have bloomed as Superior Knowledge in all too many universities. – Alice Walker

Ill can he rule the great that cannot reach the small. – Spenser

Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it. – Dan Quayle

Imagination and fiction make up more than three quarters of our real life. – Simone Weil

Imagination is more important than knowledge. – Albert Einstein

Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. – Jules de Gaultier

Imagine a world without men. No crime, and lots of happy fat women. – Nicole Hollander

Imagine all the people, living for today. – John Lennon

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining. – Jeff Raskin, ‘Doctor Dobb’s Journal’

Imagine me going around with a pot belly. It would mean political ruin. – Adolf Hitler

Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300.
What’s the first question that the computer community asks?
‘Is it PC compatible?’

Imagine the appeals Dissents and remandments If lawyers had written The Ten Commandments. – Harry Bender

Imbalance of power corrupts and monopoly of power corrupts absolutely. – Genji

Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery. – Jack Paar

Immortal gods, I crave no pelf;
I pray for no man but myself;
Grant I may never prove so fond,
To trust man on his oath or bond.

– William Shakespeare

Immortality – a fate worse than death. – Edgar A Shoaff

Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss is reading it.

Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss is reading it. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you can’t find them.

In 1903 F. N. Cole (1861-1927) proved that M67 [=(2^67)-1] is not prime.…At the October,1903, meeting in New York of the American Mathematical Society, Cole had a paper on the program with the modest title ‘On the factorization of large numbers’. When the chairman called on him for his paper, Cole – who was always a man of very few words – walked to the board and, saying nothing, proceeded to chalk up the arithmetic for raising 2 to the sixty-seventh power. Then he carefully subtracted 1. Without a word he moved over to a clear space on the board and multiplied out, by longhand, 193, 707, 721 * 761, 838, 257, 287. The two calculations agreed. Mersenne’s conjecture – if such it was – vanished into the limbo of mathematical mythology. For the first and only time on record, an audience of the American Mathematical Society vigorously applauded the author of a paper delivered before it. Cole took his seat without having uttered a word. Nobody asked him a question.

– Eric Temple Bell.
In: James R. Newman (ed.), Volume I-IV The World of Mathematics.
Simon and Schuster, New York 1956, p. 503.

In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper. The creator received $4000 down… and $3000 across.

In 1967, the Soviet Government minted a beautiful silver ruble with Lenin in a very familiar pose - arms raised above him, leading the country to revolution. But, it was clear to everybody, that if you looked at it from behind, it was clear that Lenin was pointing to 11:00, when the Vodka shops opened, and was actually saying, ‘Comrades, forward to the Vodka shops’.
It became fashionable, when one wanted to have a drink, to take out the ruble and say, ‘Oh my goodness, Comrades, Lenin tells me we should go’.

In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf.

In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that’s just one of the risks he takes. – Adlai Stevenson

In America, it’s not how much an item costs, it’s how much you save. – Paul’s Law

In Christianity, a man may have only one wife. This is called Monotony.

In Germany they first came for the Communists and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn’t speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me – and by that time no one was left to speak up. – Pastor Martin Niemoller

In God’s wilderness lies the hope of the world - the great fresh unblighted, unredeemed wilderness. The galling harness of civilisation drops off, and wounds heal ere we are aware. – John Muir, founder of Yosemite National Park

In India, ‘cold weather’ is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy. – Mark Twain

In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michaelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had five hundred years of democracy and peace – and what did they produce? The cuckoo-clock.

– Orson Welles, ‘The Third Man’

In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
A stately pleasure dome decree:
Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
Through caverns measureless to man
Down to a sunless sea.
So twice five miles of fertile ground
With walls and towers were girdled round:
And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills,
Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree;
And here were forest ancient as the hills,
Enfolding sunny spots of greenery.

– S T Coleridge, ‘Kubla Kahn’

In a country where the sole employer is the State, opposition means death by slow starvation. The old principle: Who does not work shall not eat, has been replaced by a new one: Who does not obey shall not eat. – Leon Trotsky, 1937

In a family recipe you just discovered in an old book, the most vital measurement will be illegible.

In a hierarchical system, the rate of pay varies inversely with the unpleasantness and difficulty of the task.

In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence…. In time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties… Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence. – Dr. Laurence J Peter, ‘The Peter Principle’

In a just cause the weak o’ercome the strong. – Sophocles

In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an ‘In-Depth’ Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex. – Frank Mankiewicz

In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, ‘one when he was a boy and one when he was a man.’ – Mark Twain

In an orderly world, there’s always a place for the disorderly.

In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own incompetency – The Peter Principle

In any bureaucracy, paperwork increases as you spend more and more time reporting on the less and less you are doing. Stability is achieved when you spend all of your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.

In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake

(1) Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
(2) The first person who stops by, whose advice you really don’t want to hear, will see it immediately.

– Finagle’s Third Law

In any country there must be people who have to die. They are the sacrifices any nation has to make to achieve law and order. – Idi Amin Dada

In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level of incompetence, and then remains there.

In any household, junk accumulates to the space available for its storage.

In any series of calculations, errors tend to occur at the opposite end to the end at which you begin checking for errors.

In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations – it’s cold, half-French, and difficult to stir. – Stuart Keate

In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools will be temporarily cancelled.

In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.

In charity there is no excess. – Francis Bacon

In childhood a woman must be subject to her father; in youth to her husband; when her husband is dead, to her sons. A woman must never be free of subjugation. – The Hindu Code of Manu

In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable. – Winston Churchill, of Montgomery

In dwelling, be close to the land.
In meditation, delve deep into the heart.
In dealing with others, be gentle and kind.
In speech, be true.
In work, be competent.
In action, be careful of your timing.

– Lao Tsze

In education, the same doctrinal brutality reigns supreme, resulting in a wasteland of moral relativism and deliberate destruction of an approach that has always ensured the transmission from one generation to another [of] a shared body of knowledge of a cultural, historical and moral heritage.
What has been the result of all this brutal vandalism? A profound malaise, a deep disease, a disintegration and disfunctioning of the natural harmony in the human existence.
Modern ideology demands that history and tradition be pulled up by the roots

– Charles, Prince of Wales

In giving freedom to the slave we assure freedom to the free, – honourable alike in what we give and what we preserve. – Abraham Lincoln

In goes the wine, out comes the truth. (old Spanish proverb)

In good speaking, should not the mind of the speaker know the truth of the matter about which he is to speak. – Plato

In his private heart no man much respects himself. – Mark Twain

In life’s small things be resolute and great
To keep thy muscle trained: know’st thou when
Fate thy measure takes, or when she’ll say to thee,
‘I find thee worthy; do this deed for me’?

– Lowell

In love there is but little rest. – Chaucer

In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.

In my beginning is my end. – T S Eliot, opening line of Four Quartets, ‘East Coker’

In my school-days, when I had lost one shaft,
I shot his fellow of the selfsame flight
The selfsame way, with more advised watch,
To find the other forth; and by adventuring both, I oft found both.

– William Shakespeare

In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar – a practice which is still continued. – Helen Rowland

In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe. – Carl Sagan, ‘Cosmos’

In reply to your question, ‘What’s wrong with the world?’ – I am.

Yours faithfully,
G K Chesterton.

– Letter to ‘The Times’

In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart. – Ann Frank

In starting and waging war, it is not right that matters but victory. – Adolf Hitler

In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls. – Lenny Bruce

In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours. – Mark Twain, on New England weather

In the beginning there was nothing. And the Lord said ‘Let There Be Light!’ And still there was nothing, but at least now you could see it.

In the beginning was the word.
But by the time the second word was added to it,
there was trouble.
For with it came syntax…

– John Simon

In the elder days of Art,
Builders wrought with greatest care
Each minute and unseen part;
For the gods see everywhere.

– Longfellow

In the first place, God made idiots; this was for practice; then he made school boards. – Mark Twain

In the fringes of the town and go down to the Water of Leith, wrought stone and nature meet in delicious suburban Picturesque. Nowhere in this island do you feel nearer to the Spirit of the Age. – John Summerson, on St Bernard’s Well, Edinburgh

In the future, everyone will be famous for ten seconds. – Andy Warhol

In the future, there will be fewer but better Russians. – Joseph Stalin

In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun is driven by the Grateful Dead. – Egyptian Book of the Dead

In the law, the only thing certain is the expense. – Samuel Butler

In the long run we are all dead. – John Maynard Keynes

In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore… in the Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred thousand miles long… seven hundred and forty-two years from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. … There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. – Mark Twain

In the treatment of the child the world foreshadows its own future and faith. All words and all thinking lead to the child, – to that vast immortality and wide sweep of infinite possibility which the child represents. – W E B DuBois

In these matters the only certainty is that there is nothing certain. – Pliny the Elder

In this world nothing can be said to be certain. except death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

In this world second thoughts, it seems, are best. – Euripides (AD 428)

In this world some people are going to like me and some are not. So, I may as well be me. Then I know if someone likes me, they like me.

In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. – Oscar Wilde

In those days he was wiser than he is now – he used to frequently take my advice. – Winston Churchill

In time of war the first casualty is truth. – Boake Carter

In unanimity there is cowardice and uncritical thinking.

In vain we call old notions fudge,
And bend our conscience to our dealing;
The Ten Commandments will not budge,
And stealing will continue stealing.

– Lowell

In war it is not men, but the man who counts. – Napoleon

In war, truth is the first casualty. – Aeschylus, as quoted by U Thant

In wine there is truth (In vino veritas). – Pliny

Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.

Indecision is the basis for flexibility.

Indeed, I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just. – Jefferson

Independence is happiness. – Susan B Anthony

Indifference is a militant thing… when it goes away it leaves smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is not a children’s pastime like mere highway robbery. – Stephen Crane

Individualists unite!

Indomitable in retreat; invincible in advance; insufferable in victory. – Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery

Industry without art is brutality. – John Ruskin

Infancy, n.: The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, ‘Heaven lies about us.’ The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward. – Ambrose Bierce

Information Center, n.: A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.

Ingrate, n.: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of indigestion.

Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. – Martin Luther King, Jr.

Innocence ends when one is stripped of the delusion that one likes oneself. – Joan Didion, ‘On Self Respect’

Innovation is hard to schedule. – Dan Fylstra

Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.

Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out. – Hoare’s Law of Large Problems

Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better. – Edgar W Howe

Integrity has no need of rules. – Camus, Albert

Intellect annuls Fate.
So far as a man thinks, he is free. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Intelligence is not all that important in the exercise of power and is often, in point of fact, useless. – Henry A Kissinger, 1975

Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure.

Involvement with people is always a very delicate thing – it requires real maturity to become involved and not get all messed up. – Bernard Cooke

Is a person’s public and private opinion the same? It is thought there have been instances. – Mark Twain

Is anything really trash before you throw it away?

Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out, and such as are out wish to get in. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Is that wise? You know you have to reign this afternoon. – Elizabeth, HM Queen Mother, on seeing the Queen having wine with her lunch.

Is there going to be a quiz on this?

Isn’t it great?

Isn’t it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists? – Kelvin Throop III

Isn’t it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?

Israel - Hebrew for ‘To Fight for God’. ‘El’ means God

It’s Fabulous! We haven’t seen anything like it in the last half an hour! – Macy’s

It’s a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word. – Andrew Jackson

It’s a good thing we don’t get all the government we pay for.

It’s a matter of taking the side of the weak against the strong, something the best people have always done. – Harriet Beecher Stowe

It’s a poor worker who blames his tools.

It’s a recession when your neighbour loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours. – Harry S Truman

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it. – Steven Wright

‘It’s a summons.’
‘What’s a summons?’
‘It means summon’s in trouble.’

– Rocky and Bullwinkle

It’s a very *UN*lucky week in which to be took dead. – Churchy La Femme

It’s all in the mind, you know.

It’s all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back. – Mick Jagger

It’s always darkest just before it gets pitch black.

It’s always easier to go down hill, but the view is from the top.

It’s amazing how nice people are to you when they know you’re going away. – Michael Arlen

It’s bad luck to be superstitious. – Andrew W Mathis

It’s been fun, but I must return to the mother ship now.

It’s better to be quotable than to be honest. – Tom Stoppard

It’s better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all. – Marty Winch

It’s better to burn out than it is to rust.

It’s better to burn out than to fade away.

It’s better to enter the mouth of a tiger than a court of law. – Chinese proverb

It’s better to have loved and lost – much better.

It’s better to retire too soon than too late.

It’s easier to fight for one’s principles than to live up to them.

It’s easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for being right.

It’s easier to take it apart than to put it back together. – Washlesky

It’s getting harder and harder to act weird. – Zippy the Pinhead

It’s hard to keep your balance standing tip-toe. – Lao Tzu

It’s impossible to design anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

It’s is not, it isn’t ain’t, and it’s it’s, not its, if you mean it is. If you don’t, it’s its. Then too, it’s hers. It isn’t her’s. It isn’t our’s either. It’s ours, and likewise yours and theirs. – Oxford University Press, ‘Edpress News’

It’s just another splinter on the banister of life. – Bernie Clifton, comedian, following vandalism of his car

It’s kind of fun to do the impossible. – Walt Disney

It’s later than you think.

It’s lucky you’re going so slowly, because you’re going in the wrong direction.

It’s men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name.

It’s more than magnificent – it’s mediocre. – Sam Goldwyn

It’s no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another. – George Bush

It’s no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair. – George Burns

It’s not a bug - it’s an undocumented feature.

It’s not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. – Phil White

It’s not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too. – Alexander Korda

It’s not reality or how you perceive things that’s important – it’s what you’re taking for it…

It’s not reality that’s important, but how you perceive things.

It’s not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you’re off the ground. – Daniel B Luten

It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens. – Woody Allen

It’s not the bullet that kills you, it’s the hole.

It’s not the fall that kills you, it’s the landing.

It’s not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts. – Mae West

It’s not the people in prison that worry me. It’s those who aren’t. – Earl of Arran

It’s not the principle of the thing, it’s the money.

It’s not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips. – Garfield

It’s not whether you win or lose but how you played the game. – Grantland Rice

It’s odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that English is the only major language in which ‘I’ is capitalised; in many other languages ‘You’ is capitalised and the ‘i’ is lower case. – Sydney J Harris

It’s possible that the whole purpose of your life is to serve as a warning to others.

It’s pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed. – Kim Hubbard

It’s so stupid of modern civilisation to have given up believing in the Devil when he is the only explanation of it.

It’s the dream, afraid of waking, that never takes the chance.
It’s the one, who won’t be taken, who cannot seem to give.
And the soul, afraid of dying, that never learns to live.

It’s the lightest thing I ever saw. I was almost speechless when I saw the elevator shaft and staircases were lined with plaster … the World Trade Centre was little better off than if it had been built out of cardboard sheets … The whole thing was a matter of cost – Harry Seidler, architect, on the World Trade Centre during its construction, as destroyed by terrorists in September 2001.

It’s the thought, if any, that counts!

‘It’s today!’ said Piglet.
‘My favourite day,’ said Pooh.

It does not matter one marble splinter whether we have an old or new architecture…. The forms of architecture known to us are good enough for us, and far better than any of us. – John Ruskin

It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theatre. The clown came out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and applauded. He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I think the world will come to an end amid general applause from all the wits, who believe that it is a joke. – Soren Kierkegaard (1813-1855)

It has been said [by Anatole France], ‘it is not by amusing oneself that one learns,’ and, in reply: ‘it is *only* by amusing oneself that one can learn.’ – Edward Kasner and James R Newman

It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have been searching for evidence which could support this. – Bertrand Russell

It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first. - Ronald Reagan

It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the most important. – Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, ‘A Case of Identity’

It is Mr. Mellon’s credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our offence consists in doubting it. – Justice Robert H Jackson

It is a bad plan that admits of no modification. – Publilius Syrus

It is a device of mine never to grudge trouble in the pursuit of what seems to me really good and never to grudge payment for it afterwards. – Georgiana Burne-Jones

It is a far worthier thing to read by the light of experience than to adorn oneself with the labours of others. – Leonardo Da Vinci

It is a hard matter, my fellow citizens, to argue with the belly, since it has no ears. – Marcus Porcius Cato

It is a lesson which all history teaches wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

It is a luxury to be understood. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize.

It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish. – Aeschylus

It is a simple task to make things complex, but a complex task to make them simple.

It is a true proverb, that if you live with a lame man you will learn to halt. – Plutarch

It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information. – Oscar Wilde

It is a wise child that knows its own father, and an unusual one that unreservedly approves of him. – Mark Twain

It is a wise father that knows his own child. – William Shakespeare, ‘The Merchant of Venice’

It is almost as stupid to let your clothes betray that you know you are ugly as to have them proclaim that you think you are beautiful. – Edith Wharton

It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness.

It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it’s a pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their colour. – Voltaire

It is annoying to be honest to no purpose. – Publilius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)

It is beautiful, the world, and life itself. I am glad I have lived. – D G Rossetti, speaking to William Sharp on the cliffs at Birchington, shortly before his death in 1882

It is better not to live at all than to live disgraced. – Sophocles

It is better to be a live dog than a dead lion.

It is better to be part of the idle rich class than be part of the idle poor class.

It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.

It is better to have loved and lost - much better.

It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.

It is better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. – Dennis Thatcher

It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark

It is better to live rich than to die rich. – Samuel Johnson

It is better to solve a problem with a crude approximation and know the truth, than to demand an exact solution and not know the truth at all.

It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected. – Mark Twain

It is better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

It is better to wear out than to rust out.

It is by his activities and not by enjoyment that man feels he is alive. In idleness we not only feel that life is fleeting, but we also feel lifeless. – Immanuel Kant

It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either. – Mark Twain

It is circumstance and proper measure that give an action its character, and make it either good or bad. – Plutarch

It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something. – Franklin D Roosevelt

It is contrary to reasoning to say that there is a vacuum or space in which there is absolutely nothing. – Descartes

It is convenient that there be gods, and, as it is convenient, let us believe there are. – Publilius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. – Rod Serling

It is difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys.

It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased. – Kehlog Albran, ‘The Profit’

It is easier to ask forgiveness than for permission.

It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.

It is easier to fight for one’s principles than to live up to them. – Alfred Adler

It is easier to make a saint out of a libertine than out of a prig. – George Santayana

It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end. – Leonardo da Vinci

It is easier to run down a hill than up one.

It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.

It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted. – Aeschylus

It is equally bad when one speeds on the guest unwilling to go, and when he holds back one who is hastening. Rather one should befriend the guest who is there, but speed him when he wishes. – Homer, ‘The Odyssey’

It is exactly because a man cannot do a thing that he is a proper judge of it. – Oscar Wilde

It is hard to say whether the doctors of law or of divinity have made the greater advances in the lucrative business of mystery. – Samuel Goldwyn

It is human nature to think wisely & act foolishly. – Anatole France

It is idle to attempt to talk a young woman out of her passion: love does not lie in the ear. – Walpole

It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised.

It is impossible to achieve the aim without suffering – J G Bennet at Sherbourne House

It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do. – Jerome Klapka Jerome

It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off. – Woody Allen

It is indeed desirable to be well descended, but the glory belongs to our ancestors. – Plutarch

It is much easier to be critical than to be correct. – Benjamin Disraeli

It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem.

It is my ambition to say in ten sentences what others say in a whole book. – Friedrich Nietzsche

It is my view that the vegetarian manner of living, by its purely physical effect on the human temperament, would most beneficially influence the lot of mankind. – Albert Einstein

It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalise one’s uncles. – George Bernard Shaw

It is never too late to give up your prejudices. – Henry David Thoreau

It is no wonder that people are so horrible when they start life as children. – Kingsley Amis

It is not best to use our morals weekdays, it gets them out of repair for Sunday. – Mark Twain

It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do, that makes life blessed. – Goethe

It is not enough to have a good mind. The main thing is to use it well. – Rene Descartes

It is not enough to have great qualities, we should also have the management of them. – La Rochefoucauld

It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. – Gore Vidal

It is not every question that deserves an answer. – Publilius Syrus

It is not for me to attempt to fathom the inscrutable workings of Providence. – The Earl of Birkenhead

It is not good for a man to be without knowledge, and he who makes haste with his feet misses his way. – Proverbs 19:2

It is not likely that any complete life has ever been lived which was not a failure in the secret judgement of the person that lived it. – Mark Twain

It is not permitted to the most equitable of men to be a judge in his own cause. – Pascal

It is not the oath that makes us believe the man, but the man the oath. – Aeschylus

It is not true that life is one damn thing after another. It’s one damn thing over and over. – Edna St. Vincent Millay

It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission. – Grace Murray Hopper

It is ok to be ignorant in some areas, but some people abuse the privilege.

It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue. – Voltaire

It is one thing to praise discipline, and another to submit to it. – Miguel de Cervantes

It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live at all. And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result is the only thing that makes the result come true. – William James

It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their dignity.

It is only when you have been in the deepest valley that you can know how good it feels to stand on the highest mountain. – Richard Nixon

It is only with the heart one can see clearly; what is essential is invisible to the eye. – The Fox in ‘The Little Prince’

It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to students that have had prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration. – Dijkstra

It is rare to find learned men who are clean, do not stink and have a sense of humour. – G W Leibniz

It is rarely dull. – James Stevens Curl, commenting on Victorian Architecture

It is ridiculous to suppose that the great head of things, whatever it be, pays any regard to human affairs. – Pliny the Elder

It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a sentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate in all times and situations. They presented him the words: ‘And this, too, shall pass away’ – Abraham Lincoln

It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as high as the eagle?

It is so stupid of modern civilisation to have given up believing in the devil when he is the only explanation of it. – Ronald Knox, ‘Let Dons Delight’

It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look, which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the highest of arts. – Henry David Thoreau, ‘Where I Live’

It is sound statesmanship to add two battleships every time our neighbour adds one and two stories to our skyscrapers every time he piles a new one on top of his to threaten our light. There is no limit to this soundness but the sky. – Mark Twain

It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion. – Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)

It is the business of little minds to shrink. – Carl Sandburg

It is the business of the future to be dangerous. – Hawkwind

It is the foreign element that commits our crimes. There is no native criminal class except Congress. – Mark Twain

It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring. - Alfred Adler

It is the nature of extreme self-lovers, as they will set an house on fire, and it were but to roast their eggs. – Francis Bacon

It is the part of a wise man to keep himself to-day for to-morrow, and not to venture all his eggs in one basket. – Miguel de Cervantes

It is the property of things seen for the first time, or for the first time after long, like the flowers in spring, to reawaken in us the sharp edge of sense and that impression of mystic strangeness which otherwise passes out of life with the coming of years; but the sight of a loved face is what renews a man’s character from the fountain upwards. – Robert Louis Stevenson, from ‘Will o’ the Mill’

It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters. – Lucius Annaeus Seneca

It is the wisdom of crocodiles, that shed tears when they would devour. – Francis Bacon

It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree.

It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously lives, works and has his being. – Thomas Carlyle

It is true that if your paper boy throws your paper into the bushes for five straight days it can be explained by Newton’s Law of Gravity. But it takes Murphy’s law to explain why it is happening to you.

It is unworthy of excellent men to lose hours like slaves in the labour of calculation. – Leibniz

It is very difficult to prophesy, especially when it pertains to the future.

It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn’t a dentist. It produces a false impression. – Oscar Wilde.

It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure. – Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)

It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final. – Roger Babson

It is your concern when your neighbour’s wall is on fire. – Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)

It isn’t easy being green. – Kermit the Frog

It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. – Dan Quayle

It just seems clear to me that as long as we are all here, it’s pretty clear that the struggle is to share the planet, rather than divide it. – Alice Walker

It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn’t too good either if you speak when your head is empty.

It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

It may not be your fault for being down, but it’s always your fault for not getting up.

It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done.

It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.

It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the municipality. – a local ordinance of Euclid, Ohio

It takes less time to do a thing right than it does to explain why you did it wrong. – H W Longfellow

It takes longer to glue a vase together than to break one.

It takes two to tell the truth: one to speak and one to hear.

It the shoe fits, it’s ugly.

It took but a moment to cut off his head; it will take a century to produce another like it. – Lagrange, as Lavoisier was sent to the guillotine during the Terror of 1749

It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by that time I was too famous. – Robert Benchley

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. – Mark Twain

It was a beautiful, harmonious, peaceful-looking planet, blue with white clouds, and one that gave you a deep sense … of home, of being, of identity. It is what I prefer to call instant global consciousness. – Edgar Mitchell, astronaut aboard Apollo XIV in 1971

It was a bright cold day in April and the clocks were striking thirteen. – George Orwell, ‘1984’

It was a high speech of Seneca (after the manner of the Stoics), that ‘The good things which belong to prosperity are to be wished, but the good things that belong to adversity are to be admired.’ – Bacon

It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set foot.

It was in making education not only common to all, but in some sense compulsory on all, that the destiny of the free republics of America was practically settled. – Lowell

It was no wonder that people were so horrible when they started life as children. – W H Auden

It was one of those perfect summer days – the sun was shining, a breeze was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was broken… – James Dent

It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I don’t think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and the signature (which I guessed at). There’s a singular and a perpetual charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its novelty. Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but yours are kept forever – unread. One of them will last a reasonable man a lifetime. – Thomas Aldrich

It was so soon that I was done for
I wonder what I was begun for.

– on tombstone

It wasn’t that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly. It was more like the rose and the teeth were in the same glass.

It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant examples. – Charles Dickens

It will be readily admitted that the great test of architectural beauty is the fitness of the design to the purpose for which it is intended, and that the style of a building should so correspond with its use that the spectator may at once perceive the purpose for which it is erected. – A W N Pugin, ‘Contrasts’, 1841

It won’t work. – Jenkinson’s Law

It works better if you plug it in. – Sattinger

It works better if you plug it in. If all else fails, read the instructions.

It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or two things still safe to eat. – Robert Fuoss

James Joyce – an essentially private man who wished his total indifference to public notice to be universally recognised. – Tom Stoppard

Jesus was born in 4 B.C.

Job Placement, n.: Telling your boss what he can do with your job.

Join in the new game that’s sweeping the country. It’s called ‘Bureaucracy’. Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses.

Join the march to save individuality!

Journalism is literature in a hurry. – Matthew Arnold

Just a piece of inland Hampshire that has slithered – oaks, elms, winding lanes and all – out of England into the sea. – Sir John Betjeman, concerning Hayling Island

Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac (and nobody cares about it). – Bill Joy 6/21/85, Editor: ‘it does now’ 27/08/01

Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet somebody moves the ends!

Just because everything is different doesn’t mean anything has changed. – Irene Peter

Just because you’re paranoid, it doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn’t mean he knows what it is.

Just don’t give up trying to do what you really want to do. Where there’s love and inspiration, I don’t think you can go wrong – Ella Fitzgerald

Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn’t immune to bullets – The Brigadier, ‘Dr. Who’

Just remember, it all started with a mouse. – Walt Disney

Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to twelve people that weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Just when you get really good at something, you don’t need to do it anymore.

Just when you see the light at the end of the tunnel, the roof caves in.

Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a faster rat!!!

Justice always prevails… three times out of seven! – Michael J Wagner

Justice delayed is justice denied. – William Gladstone

Justice is incidental to law and order. – J Edgar Hoover

Justice is truth in action. – Benjamin Disraeli

Justice, n.: A decision in your favour.

Keep grandma off the streets – legalise bingo.

Keep your Eye on the Ball,
Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
Your Nose to the Grindstone,
Your Feet on the Ground,
Your Head on your Shoulders.
Now… try to get something DONE!

Kill your television.

Kin, n.: An affliction of the blood

Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read. – Mark Twain

Kinkler’s First Law: Responsibility always exceeds authority.

Kinkler’s Second Law: All the easy problems have been solved.

Kites rise highest against the wind - not with it. – Winston Churchill

Know’st thou the land where the lemon-trees bloom,
Where the gold orange glows in the deep thicket’s gloom,
Where a wind ever soft from the blue heaven blows,
And the groves are of laurel and myrtle and rose? – Goethe

Know then thyself, presume not God to scan;
The proper study of mankind is man. – Alexander Pope

Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions. – Henry N Camp

Knowledge is power. – Francis Bacon

Labitur enitens sellis herere duabus (he falls trying to sit on two seats) – John Gower, poet, creating the phrase‘between two stools’

Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what disguise she would recommend for him. She replied, ‘Why don’t you come sober, Mr. Prime Minister?’

Lady Nancy Astor: ‘Winston, if you were my husband, I’d put poison in your coffee.’
Winston Churchill: ‘Nancy, if you were my wife, I’d drink it.’

Language is the light of the mind. – John Stuart Mill

Large increases in cost with questionable increases in performance can be tolerated only in race horses and women. – Lord Kalvin

Large numbers of things are determined, and therefore not subject to change.

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone. – Tommy Cooper

Last night I met upon the stair
A little man who wasn’t there.
He wasn’t there again today.
Oh how I wish he’d go away!

Last night, I came home and realised that everything in my apartment had been stolen and replaced with an exact duplicate. I told this to my friend – he said, ‘Do I know you?’ – Steven Wright

Latin is a language,
As dead as can be.
First it killed the Romans,
And now it’s killing me.

Laugh and be fat. – John Taylor

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

Laugh, and the world thinks you’re an idiot.

Laugh long, live long,
Yesterday is history
Tomorrow is a mystery

Laughter is the closest distance between two people. – Victor Borge

Law of Selective Gravity: An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

Jenning’s Corollary: The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

Law of the Perversity of Nature: You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.

Law stands mute in the midst of arms. – Marcus Tullius Cicero

Laws are like sausages. It’s better not to see them being made. – Otto von Bismarck

Laws grind the poor, and rich men rule the law. – Goldsmith

Laws of Serendipity:

(1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for something.
(2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already be engaged in making an inferior one.

Lawyer: An individual whose principal role is to protect his clients from others of his profession.

Lawyer: One skilled in circumvention of the law. – Ambrose Bierce

Lawyers earn a living by the sweat of browbeating others. – James Gibbons Haneker

Lawyers have been know to wrest from reluctant juries triumphant verdicts of acquittal for their clients, even when those clients, as often happens, were clearly and unmistakably innocent. – Oscar Wilde

Lawyers may often do well, but not often by doing good... even when they try. – Charles E Sherman

Lawyers: persons who write a 10,000 word document and call it a brief. – Franz Kafka

Laziness is the mother of nine inventions out of ten.

Lead me not to temptation - I can find it for myself.

Learn to walk before you run. – Turkish proverb

Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.

Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and everything else follows in the same way. – Alan J Perlis

Learning is but an adjunct to ourself. – William Shakespeare

Learning without thought is labour lost; thought without learning is perilous. – Confucius

Leave no stone unturned. – Euripides

Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts.

Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.

Let’s just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you really care about the person, you do what’s necessary, or that’s the end. For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the qualities I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and bossy… Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind his back.’ – Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn

Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday.

Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage. – Publilius Syrus

Let a man do his duty and you will know instantly what he is worth. – Goethe

Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man, and his number is 666.’ . – St. John, ‘Revelations’ (666 is 1010011010 in binary, 29A in hex)

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Let justice be done, though the heavens fall! – Earl of Mansfield

Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you’re not just a number. You’re two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and another number. – James Estes

Let me have men about me that are fat,
Sleek-headed men, and such as sleep o’ nights:
Yond Cassius has a lean and hungry look;
He thinks too much: such men are dangerous.

– William Shakespeare

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments: love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds.

– William Shakespeare

Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.

Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.

Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these. – Ovid (43 B.C. – A.D. 18)

Let sleeping dogs lie. – Charles Dickens

Let the meek inherit the earth - they have it coming to them. – James Thurber

Let the people think they govern and they will be governed. – William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania

Let there be no inscription upon my tomb;
let no man write my epitaph:
no man can write my epitaph.

– Robert Emmet (1780-1803)

Let there be spaces in your togetherness. – Kahlil Gibran

Let this adulterer have a gallows erected outside the room where he commits his adultery, with the sure and certain knowledge that if he goes ahead, he will be hanged in the morning. He will find that he is perfectly capable of refraining from his desires. – Immanuel Kant

Let us a little permit Nature to take her own way; she better understands her own affairs than we. – Michel Montaigne

Let us go forward together. – Winston Churchill

Let us have faith that right makes might; and in that faith let us dare to do our duty as we understand it. – Lincoln

Let us live!!!
Let us love!!!
Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!

You first.

Let us never negotiate out of fear, but let us never fear to negotiate. – John F Kennedy

Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around us in awareness. – James Thurber

Let us treat men and women well;
Treat them as if they were real;
Perhaps they are.

– Ralph Waldo Emerson

Let your conscience be your guide. – Alexander Pope

Letters to the editor (The Times of London)

Dear Sir,

I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry.

Yours faithfully,
Capt. Quinton D’Arcy, JP

Lewis’s Law of Travel: The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn’t belong to anyone, ever.

Liar: A lawyer with a roving commission.

Liar: One who tells an unpleasant truth.

Libertas et natale solum (Fine words! I wonder where you stole ’em). – Swift

Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have. – Harry Emerson Fosdick

Lie, n.: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date.

Life’s Little Instructions

Sing in the shower.
Treat everyone you meet like you want to be treated.
Watch a sunrise at least once a year.
Leave the toilet seat in the down position.
Never refuse homemade brownies.
Plant a tree on your birthday.
Learn three clean jokes.
Return borrowed vehicles with the gas tank full.
Compliment three people every day.
Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them.
Leave everything a little better than you found it.
Keep it simple.
Think big thoughts but relish small pleasures.
Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know.
Floss your teeth.
Ask for a raise when you feel you’ve earned it.
Be forgiving of yourself and others.
Overtip breakfast waitresses.
Say ‘thank you’ a lot.
Say ‘please’ a lot.
Avoid negative people.
Buy whatever kids are selling on card tables in their front yards.
Wear polished shoes.
Remember other people’s birthdays.
Commit yourself to constant improvement.
Carry jumper cables in your trunk.
Have a firm handshake.
Sends lots of Valentine cards.
Sign them, ‘Someone who thinks you’re terrific.’
Look people in the eye.
Be the first to say, ‘Hello.’
Use the good silver.
Return all things you borrow.
Make new friends but cherish the old ones.
Keep secrets.
Sing in a choir.
Plant flowers every spring.
Have a dog.
Always accept an outstretched hand.
Stop blaming others.
Take responsibility for every area of your life.
Wave at kids on school buses.
Be there when people need you.
Feed a stranger’s expired parking meter.
Don’t expect life to be fair.
Never underestimate the power of love.
Drink champagne for no reason at all.
Live your life as an exclamation, not an explanation.
Don’t be afraid to say, ‘I made a mistake.’ Don’t be afraid to say, ‘I don’t know.’
Compliment even small improvements.
Keep your promises (no matter what).
Marry only for love.
Rekindle old friendships.
Count your blessings.
Call your mother.

Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.

– William Shakespeare

Life appears to me to be too short to be spent in nursing animosity or registering wrong. – Charlotte Brontë

Life is a grand adventure – or it is nothing. – Helen Keller

Life is a sandwich - and it’s always lunch time.

Life is a series of rude awakenings. – R V Winkle

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.

Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is as tedious as a twice-told tale
Vexing the dull ear of a drowsy man.

– William Shakespeare

Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all. Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature. – Helen Keller

Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use. – Charles Schultz

Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it. You have to eat it nevertheless. – Flaubert

Life is like a buffet; it’s not good but there’s plenty of it.

Life is like a rain drop on a lotus leaf. Everybody realises that you’re either very lucky person or you’re not. – George Harrison, following first treatment for cancer

Life is like a simile.

Life is like a tin of sardines. We’re, all of us, looking for the key. – Beyond the Fringe

Life is like an analogy.

Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find there is nothing in it.

Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends.

Life is much too complicated in the morning.

Life is not so short but that there is always time enough for courtesy. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Life is one long struggle in the dark. – Titus Lucretius Carus

Life is real! life is earnest!
And the grave is not its goal;
Dust thou art, to dust returnest,
Was not spoken of the soul.

– Longfellow

Life is the childhood of our immortality. – Goethe

Life is the living you do, Death is the living you don’t do. – Joseph Pintauro

Life is the only real counsellor; wisdom unfiltered through personal experience does not become a part of the moral tissue. – Edith Wharton

Life is too important to take seriously. – Corky Siegel

Life is too short to be taken seriously. – Oscar Wilde

Life is what we make it, always has been, always will be. – Grandma Moses

Life may have no meaning, or, even worse, it may have a meaning of which you disapprove.

Life only demands from you the strength you possess. Only one feat is possible - not to have run away. – Dag Hammarskjold

Life to you is a bold and dashing responsibility – Mary Chung

Life without caffeine is stimulating enough. – Sanka Ad

Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it weren’t for other people – Blore

Life would be tolerable but for its amusements. – George Bernard Shaw

Life...don’t talk to me about life.

Life: That brief interlude between nothingness and eternity.

Lift every voice and sing
Till earth and heaven ring,
Ring with the harmonies of Liberty;
Let our rejoicing rise
High as the listening skies,
Let it resound loud as the rolling sea.

Sing a song full of the faith that the dark past has taught us.
Sing a song full of the hope that the present has bought us.
Facing the rising sun of our new day begun,
Let us march on till victory is won.

– James Weldon Johnson

Like one
Who having into truth, by telling of it,
Made such a sinner of his memory,
To credit his own lie.

– William Shakespeare

Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops. – Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.

Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.

Linus: ‘Hi! I thought it was you. I’ve been watching you from way off. You’re looking great!’
Snoopy: ‘That’s nice to know. The secret of life is to look good at a distance.’

Linus: ‘I guess it’s wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. Maybe we should think only about today.’
Charlie Brown: ‘No, that’s giving up. I’m still hoping that yesterday will get better.’

Litigation is a machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage. – Ambrose Bierce

Little Fly,
Thy summer’s play
My thoughtless hand
Has brushed away.

Am not I
A fly like thee?
Or art not thou
A man like me?

For I dance
And drink, and sing,
Till some blind hand
Shall brush my wing.

If thought is life
And strength and breath
And the want
Of thought is death;

Then am I
A happy fly,
If I live,
Or if I die.

– William Blake

Live each day as if you’re going to live a thousand years and as if you’re going to die tomorrow. – Shaker saying

Live now - procrastinate later.

Lives of great men all remind us
We can make our lives sublime,
And departing, leave behind us
Footprints on the sands of time.

– Longfellow

Living is easy with eyes closed.

Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.

Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.

Loan-department manager: ‘There isn’t any fine print. At these interest rates, we don’t need it.’

Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and legally… impeccable!

Logicians have but ill defined
As rational the human kind.
Logic, they say, belongs to man,
But let them prove it if they can.

– Oliver Goldsmith

Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his pain and his aloneness without regret. – Kahlil Gibran, ‘The Prophet’

Look after goodness and truth, and beauty will look after itself. – Eric Gill, sculptor & topographic designer

Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after themselves. – Peter’s Law of Substitution

Look before you leap. – Samuel Butler

Look for the ridiculous in everything and you will find it. – Jules Ronald, French author

Looked like an old 1930’s wireless. – Charles, Prince of Wales, speaking about the new building at Number 1 Poultry, London

Looking up is as scary as looking down.

Lord, give to the nations wisdom to understand that peace is achieved by love, not conflict, and that, realising our own common humanity, we may live together as a family and make the world our home, bearing one another’s needs and obeying your laws in righteousness, as children of one God and Father.

Lord, what fools these mortals be. – William Shakespeare, ‘A Midsummer-Night’s Dream’

Lord, won’t you buy me a colour TV? – Janis Joplin

Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny. – Frank Hubbard

Love’s Drug

My love is like an iron wand
That conks me on the head,
My love is like the valium
That I take before my bed,
My love is like the pint of scotch
That I drink when I be dry;
And I shall love thee still, my dear,
Until my wife is wise.

Love at first sight is one of the greatest labour-saving devices the world has ever seen.

Love conquers all things. – Virgil

Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love. – Publilius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)

Love demands infinitely less than friendship. – George Jean Nathan

Love is a grave mental disease. – Plato

Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. – Goethe

Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage. – Dr. Karl Bowman

Love is being stupid together. – Paul Valery

Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable. – Bruce Lee

Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it. – Jerome K Jerome

Love is missing someone even when they’re with you.

Love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself. – Saint Exupery

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. – H L Mencken

Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind;
And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.

– William Shakespeare

Love me little, love me long. – Marlowe

Love means having to say you’re sorry every five minutes.

Love of an idea is love of God? – on tomb of F L Wright at Spring Green, Wisconsin, USA

Love sought is good, but given unsought is better. – William Shakespeare

Love tells us many things that are not so. – Ukrainian Proverb

Love thy neighbour as thyself, but choose the neighbour carefully.

Love thy neighbour as thyself, but choose your neighbourhood. – Louise Beal

Love your enemies: they’ll go crazy trying to figure out what you’re up to.

Love your neighbour, yet don’t pull down your hedge. – Benjamin Franklin

Lowery’s Law: If it jams – force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

Lubarsky’s Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There’s always one more bug.

Luck, that’s when preparation and opportunity meet. – P E Trudeau

Lunatic Asylum, n.: The place where optimism most flourishes.

Lysander said that the law spoke too softly to be heard in such a noise of war. – Plutarch

MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thoughts. – Winston Churchill

Machiavelli’s five rules for successful political leadership:

1. Evil constantly wars against good. Those who want peace – an abnormal state – must constantly win wars, because peace is ensured only out of the barrel of a gun.

2. Winning is the only important thing; and by winning, what you do becomes the right thing.

3. If unpleasant things must be done, do them all at once, decisively and quickly, and ignore diplomats, who always advise taking things slowly.

4. Being feared or respected is safer than being loved. People are fickle with those they love but consistent with those they respect.

5. Never underestimate luck, which can be good or bad and is uncontrollable. Half an amount or good luck is sufficient if other factors fall into place.

Machine-Independent, adj.: Does not run on any existing machine.

Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate, and play games – but not with pleasure. – Leo Rosten

Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.

Macho does not prove mucho. – Zsa Zsa Gabor

Mad: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence...

Madam, there’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender. – W C Fields

Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism
Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.

The two definition immediately foregoing are condensed from the works of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human knowledge.

– Ambrose Bierce

Maier’s Law: If the facts don’t conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.

(1) The bigger the theory, the better.
(2) The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to obtain a correspondence with the theory.

Maj. Bloodnok: ‘Seagoon, you’re a coward!’
Seagoon: ‘Only in the holiday season.’
Maj. Bloodnok: ‘Ah, another Noel Coward!’

Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly as one man.
Minor Premise: One man can dig a post hole in sixty seconds.
Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a post hole in one second.

– Ambrose Bierce

Majorities, of course, start with minorities. – Robert Moses

Make it thy business to know thyself, which is the most difficult lesson in the world. – Miguel de Cervantes

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Man’s chief moral deficiency appears to be not his indiscretions but his reticence. – Hannah Arendt

Man’s horizons are bounded by his vision.

Man’s unique agony as a species consists in his perpetual conflict between the desire to stand out and the need to blend in. – Sydney J Harris

Man alone suffers so excruciatingly in the world that he was compelled to invent laughter.

Man and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted. – Katz’ Law

Man belongs wherever he wants to go. – Wernher von Braun

Man cannot live without a continuous confidence in something indestructible within himself. — Franz Kafka

Man in sooth is a marvellous, vain, fickle, and unstable subject. – Michel Montaigne

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. – Lily Tomlin

Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. – Oscar Wilde

Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this– no dog exchanges bones with another. – Adam Smith

Man is by nature a political animal. – Aristotle

Man is certainly stark mad; he cannot make a worm, and yet he will be making gods by dozens. – Michel Montaigne

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft… and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labour. – Wernher von Braun

Man is the measure of all things. – Protagoras

Man is the only animal that blushes – or needs to. – Mark Twain

Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them. – Samuel Butler, 1835-1902

Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps; for he is the only animal that is struck with the difference between what things are and what they ought to be. – William Hazlitt

Man is what he believes. – Anton Chekhov

Man prefers to believe what he prefers to be true. – Francis Bacon

Man proposes, God disposes. – Thomas a Kempis

Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else – unless it is an enemy. – Albert Einstein

Man was made for Joy & Woe
And when this we rightly know
Through the World we safely go.
Joy & Woe are woven fine
A clothing for the Soul divine
Under every grief & pine
Runs a joy with silken twine.

– William Blake

Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.

Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.

Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts. – Plotinus

Manner is all in all, whate’er is writ,
The substitute for genius, sense, and wit.

– Cowper

Manners with fortunes, humours turn with climes,
Tenets with books, and principles with times.

– Alexander Pope

Manual work is important. Whether for money or as a volunteer, even the most cerebral and dainty of brain-workers should have a spell wheeling barrows or mixing cement or hauling logs all day, until they long for a pint of bitter to lay the dust. I used to be a volunteer canal navvy at weekends when I was broke and it was a whole new world. – Libby Purves, ‘Things to do Before You’re 30’, The Times

Manual, n.: A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information you need in the others. – Ray Simard

Many are called, few are chosen. Fewer still get to do the choosing.

Many are called, few volunteer.

Many are cold, few are frozen.

Many hands make light work. – John Heywood

Many of the truths we cling to are greatly the result of our own point of view.

Many pages make a thick book.

Many receive advice, few profit by it. – Publilius Syrus

Many receive advice, few profit from it.

Many stand against us, but they will never win
We said we would return and here we are again
To bring them all destruction, suffering and pain
We are the hammer of the gods, we are thunder, wind and rain.

Many zeros make big numbers – Greek graffiti

Mark’s Dental-Chair Discovery: Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a simple yes or no answer.

Marriage - a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention.

Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution yet. – Mae West

Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you’d be surprised at the large number that re-enlist. – James Garner

Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter.

Marriage is a three ring circus:
engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. – Roger Price

Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. – Voltaire

Marriage, in life, is like a duel in the midst of a battle. – Edmond About

Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on earth. – John Lyly

Mars is essentially in the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same distance from the sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe. – Dan Quayle

‘Martyrdom’ is the only way a person can become famous without ability. – George Bernard Shaw

Mary had a little lamb. – Thomas Edison, speaking the first words into a phonograph, 1877

Maryann’s Law: You can always find what you’re not looking for.

Maslow’s Maxim: If the only tool you have is a hammer, you treat everything like a nail.

Mater artium necessitas (Necessity is the mother of invention).

Math is like love – a simple idea but it can get complicated. – R Drabek

Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate into their own language, and forthwith it is something entirely different. – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Mathematics deals exclusively with the relations of concepts to each other without consideration of their relation to experience. – Albert Einstein

Mathematics is the only science where one never knows what one is talking about nor whether what is said is true. – Russell

Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth but supreme beauty – a beauty cold and austere, like that of a sculpture, without appeal to any part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trapping of painting or music, yet sublimely pure, and capable of a stern perfection such as only the greatest art can show. The true spirit of delight, the exaltation, the sense of being more than man, which is the touchstone of the highest excellence, is to be found in mathematics as surely as in poetry. – Bertrand Russell

Matrimony isn’t a word, it’s a sentence.

Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a receipt.

[Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand more and more that there is something which cannot be understood. – Soren Kierkegaard

Maturity is only a short break in adolescence. – Jules Feiffer

McLuhanism and the media have broken the back of the book business; they’ve freed people from the shame of not reading. They’ve rationalised becoming stupid and watching television. – Pauline Kael

Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. – Ray’s Rule of Precision

Mediocrity finds safety in standardisation. – Frederick Crane

Memory should be the starting point of the present.

Men’s judgements are
A parcel of their fortunes; and things outward
Do draw the inward quality after them,
To suffer all alike.

– William Shakespeare

Men are always ready to respect anything that bores them. – Marilyn Monroe

Men are living now just the way they were before, as if we didn’t have a new all over-shadowing danger to deal with and it’s clear, they have learned nothing from the horrors they’ve experienced. The little intrigues, with which they complicated their lives before, take up again the greatest part of their thoughts. What a strange species we are. – Albert Einstein, love letter, December 1945

Men are qualified for civil liberty in exact proportion to their own disposition to put moral chains on their own appetites. – Edmund Burke

Men are so necessarily mad, that not to be mad would be another form of madness – Blaise Pascal

Men are superior to women. – The Koran

Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands. – Jayne Mansfield

Men aren’t attracted to me by my mind. They’re attracted by what I don’t mind… – Gypsy Rose Lee

Men freely believe that what they wish to desire. – Julius Caesar

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing they marry later; for another thing they die earlier. – H L Mencken

Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active. – Leonardo da Vinci

Men of most renowned virtue have sometimes by transgressing most truly kept the law. – Milton

Men take only their needs into consideration - never their abilities. – Napoleon Bonaparte

Men use thought only to justify their wrong doings, and speech only to conceal their thoughts. – Voltaire

Men weren’t really the enemy – they were fellow victims suffering from an outmoded masculine mystique that made them feel unnecessarily inadequate when there were no bears to kill. – Betty Friedan

Men who cherish for women the highest respect are seldom popular with them. – Joseph Addison

Mend your speech a little,
Lest it may mar your fortunes.

– William Shakespeare

Mental things which have not gone in through the senses are vain and bring forth no truth except detrimental. – Leonardo

Menu, n.: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.

Microwave oven? Whaddya mean, it’s a microwave oven? I’ve been watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. – Groucho Marx

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. – Groucho Marx

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. – Susan Ertz

Mine is a way that is little trod,
I am bound by no sect or creed;
I say my prayers to Nature’s God
In the field where the lapwings breed.
I hear the wind preach, and its Psalms are sung
In praise of the infinite free;
And ne’er a sermon from human tongue
Is half so divine unto me.

– Ammon Wrigley, 1930s poet who walked the Pennines.

Misery acquaints a man with strange bedfellows. – William Shakespeare

Miss, n.: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market. – Ambrose Bierce

Mistakes are oft the stepping stones to failure.

Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.

Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans; it’s lovely to be silly at the right moment. – Horace

Moderation in all things. – Publilius Terentius Afer (Terence)

Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess. – Oscar Wilde

Moderation, the noblest gift of Heaven. – Euripides

Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.

Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue. – J K Galbraith

Modesty is of no use to a beggar. – Homer

Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to be aware of it. – Oliver Herford

Mohandas K Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked him how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last week. The great man replied that it was because this week he knew better.

Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.

Mondays are the potholes in the road of life. – Ziggy

Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position. – Christopher Marlowe

Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots

Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honour, make him pay cash. – Lazarus Long

Money may buy friendship but money can not buy love.

Moral good is a practical stimulus; it is no sooner seen than it inspires an impulse to practice. – Plutarch

Morals consist of political morals, commercial morals, ecclesiastical morals, and morals. – Mark Twain

More like a bunker than a palace … seems like a clever way of building a nuclear power station in the middle of London without anyone objecting. – Charles, Prince of Wales, commenting on London’s National Theatre building

More people are flattered into virtue than bullied out of vice. – R S Surtees

More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly. – Woody Allen, ‘Side Effects’

Morris had been down on his luck for months, and, though not a devoutly religious man, had begun to visit the local synagogue to ask God’s help. One week, out of desperation, he prayed, ‘God, I’ve been a good and decent man all my life. Would it be so terrible if You let me win the lottery just once?’
The despondent fellow returned week after week. One day, Morris, nearly hopeless now, prayed, ‘God, I’ve never asked You for anything before. I just want to win one little lottery.’
‘As he dejectedly rose to leave, God’s voice boomed, ‘Morris, at least meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket!’

Mortals, congratulate yourselves
that so great a man has lived
for the honour of the human race.

– inscription on tomb of Isaac Newton, 1642-1727

Most general statements are false, including this one. – Alexander Dumas

Most motorists use roads rather than the Underground or railways… – Stephen Byers, ex-transport minister

Most people are willing to adapt, not because they see the light but because they feel the heat.

Most people prefer certainty to truth.

Most people spend most of their lives doing neither what they want to be doing nor what they ought to be doing. – C S Lewes

Most projects require three hands.

Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like. – Arnold Bennett

Mother is the invention of necessity.

Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said that there’d be so many.

Mother seemed pleased by my draft notice. ‘Just think of all the people in England, they’ve chosen you, it’s a great honour, son.’ Laughingly I felled her with a right cross. – Spike Milligan

Mother told me to be good, but she’s been wrong before.

Mountains interposed
Make enemies of nations who had else,
Like kindred drops, been mingled into one.

– Cowper

Mr Watson, come here, I want you. – first words spoken over Graham Bell’s telephone, March 10, 1876

Much may be said on both sides. – Addison

Much of the excitement we get out of our work is that we don’t really know what we are doing. – E Dijkstra

Multiple-function gadgets will not perform any function adequately.

Mum’s the word. – Miguel de Cervantes

Murder is always a mistake – one should never do anything one cannot talk about after dinner. – Oscar Wilde, ‘The Picture of Dorian Gray’

Murphy’s Discovery: Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to women? They say, ‘Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything will be all right.’ And what happens? Nine months later, you’re in trouble!

Murphy’s Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn’t work.

Murphy’s Law of Research: Enough research will tend to support your theory.

Murphy’s Law only fails when you try to demonstrate it.

Murphy’s Laws:
(1) If anything can go wrong, it will.
(2) Nothing is as easy as it looks.
(3) Everything takes longer than you think it will.

Murphy’s rule for precision:
Measure with a micrometer
Mark with chalk
Cut with an axe

Murphy was an optimist.

Music in the soul can be heard by the universe. – Lao Tsze

Music is a higher revelation than philosophy. – Beethoven

Music is the refuge of souls ulcerated by happiness.

Must helpless man, in ignorance sedate,
Roll darkling down the torrent of his fate?

– Samuel Johnson

My body’s not a temple. It’s an amusement park.

My country, right or wrong, is a thing that no patriot would think of saying except in a desperate case. It is like saying, My mother, drunk or sober. – Gilbert K Chesterton, ‘The Defendant’

My darling, – have a good night and meet me in dreamland. – Emily Lutyens, a last note to Edwin Lutyens who died on New Year’s Eve,1943

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. – Orson Welles

My family were always saving for a rainy day, but they had nothing to save and it was always raining. – Sir Peter Hall, theatre director

My father taught me three things:
1: Never mix whiskey with anything but water.
2: Never try to draw to an inside straight.
3: Never discuss business with anyone who refuses to give his name.

My father was a saint, I’m not. – Indira Gandhi

My friends, no matter how rough the road may be, we can and we will, never, never surrender to what is right. – Dan Quayle

My inner child is a juvenile delinquent.

My karma just ran over your dogma.

My library
Was dukedom large enough.

– William Shakespeare

My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can’t figure it out. What am I doing right? – Charles M Schulz, creator of ‘Peanuts’

My life may be strange, but at least it’s not boring.

My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right thing to say. And then say it with the utmost levity. – George Bernard Shaw

My mind is made up, don’t confuse me with facts.

My mind is very open and so is my mouth. – Tony Banks, UK Sports Minister, 1997.

My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one. – Groucho Marx

My nature is subdu’d
To what it works in, like the dyer’s hand.

– William Shakespeare

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people’s. – Oscar Wilde

My pen is at the bottom of a page,
Which, being finished, here the story ends;
‘Tis to be wished it had been sooner done,
But stories somehow lengthen when begun.

– Byron

My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind. – Albert Einstein

My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed. – Christopher Morley

My true religion is kindness. – Dalai Lama

My way of joking is to tell the truth. That’s the funniest joke in the world. – Muhammad Ali

My weight is perfect for my height – which varies

My whole family has followed the medical profession, said John. They’re all lawyers.

My words fly up, my thoughts remain below:
Words without thoughts never to heaven go.

– William Shakespeare

Mystery it all is - but we are part of it, and no trouble that happens to us is a new one in the world. God bless you, most dear ones, and keep you by the way only known to himself and yourselves. – Georgiana Burne-Jones, writing to Rudyard Kipling’s wife Carrie after death of Kipling’s daughter Josephine

Napoleon: ‘What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe? Everything he says is wrong.’
Guiseppe: ‘Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says will be right.’

– George Bernard Shaw, ‘The Man of Destiny’

Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant said ‘My master is out.’ Nasrudin replied, ‘Tell your master that next time he goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone might steal it.’

Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to serve him. Nasrudin said, ‘First things first. Did you see me walk into your shop?’ ‘Of course.’ ‘Have you ever seen me before?’ ‘Never.’ ‘Then how do you know it was me?’

Nature and Nature’s laws lay hid by night:
God said, ‘Let Newton be!’ and all was light.

– an epitaph intended for Sir Isaac Newton by Alexander Pope

Nature does not have to insist. – Lao Tzu

Nature fits all her children with something to do. – Lowell

Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely given them little. – Samuel Johnson

Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs. – Fran Leibowitz

Nature makes boys and girls lovely to look upon so they can be tolerated until they acquire some sense. – William Phelps

Nature never did betray
The heart that loved her.

– Wordsworth

Nature teaches beasts to know their friends. – William Shakespeare

Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed. – Francis Bacon

Near this spot are deposited the remains of one who possessed beauty without vanity, strength without insolence, courage without ferocity, and all the virtues of man without the vices. – Lord Byron, on his dog’s tomb

Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power. – Abraham Lincoln

Necessity has no law. – St. Augustine

Necessity is the mother of ‘taking chances.’ – Mark Twain

Necessity is the mother of invention is a silly proverb. Necessity is the mother of futile dodges is much nearer the truth. – Alfred North Whitehead

Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom. It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves. – William Pitt, 1783

Necessity knows no law, I know some lawyers are the same. – Benjamin Franklin

Needs must where the Devil drives.

Negative expectations yield negative results; positive expectations yield negative results. – ‘Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations’

Neglect of duty does not cease, by repetition, to be neglect of duty. – Napoleon

Nepotism is okay as long as you keep it in the family.

Never argue with a fool, people might not know the difference.

Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. – ‘Hanlon’s Razor’

Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Never be afraid to tell the world who you are.

Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.

Never commit yourself to a cheese without having first examined it. - T S Eliot

Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you.

Never doubt that a small, group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. – Margaret Mead

Never eat more than you can lift. – Miss Piggy

Never explain. Your friends do not need it and your enemies will never believe you anyway. – Elbert Hubbard

Never find your delight in another’s misfortune. – Publilius Syrus

Never for me the lowered banner, never the last endeavour. – Ernest Shackleton, Antarctic explorer

Never give up… Never give up… Never give up. – speech by Winston Churchill

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. – Erma Bombeck

Never have so many understood so little about so much. – James Burke

Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.

Never leave hold of what you’ve got until you’ve got hold of something else.

Never let your schooling interfere with your education.

Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. – Salvor Hardin, ‘Foundation’

Never look a gift horse in the mouth. – Saint Jerome

Never look to politicians to solve your problems, they will only create new ones. – Keith Waterhouse

Never make anything simple and efficient when it can be complex and wonderful.

Never needlessly disturb a thing at rest.

Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance. – Sam Brown, ‘The Washington Post’, January 26, 1977

Never promise more than you can perform. – Publilius Syrus

Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a law against it by that time.

Never put the screws in the cover until it’s functioning properly.

Never speak ill of yourself, your friends will always say enough on that subject. – Charles Maurice de Talleyrand-Perigord

Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity. – Gen. George S Patton, Jr.

Never too late to learn – Scottish proverb

Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift. – Micro Credo

Never trust a computer you can’t throw out a window. – Steve Wozniak

Never try to out stubborn a cat. – Lazarus Long, ‘Time Enough for Love’

Never volunteer for anything. – Lackland

Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it’s supposed to do. – R A Heinlein

New Year’s Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and his wife most often reminds him to act it. – Webster’s Unafraid Dictionary

Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund. – F J Raymond

Next week there can’t be any crisis. My schedule is already full. – Henry A Kissinger, 1973

Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice. – Foghorn Leghorn

Nine-tenths of wisdom is being wise on time. – Theodore Roosevelt

Ninety percent of everything is crud.

Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much. – Augustine

Ninety-five percent of all statistics, including this one, are bogus. – Keith Waterhouse

No Marxist can deny that the interests of socialism are higher than the interests of the right of nations to self-determination. – Lenin, 1918

No Tombstone, No epitaph,
No grave in neat trimmed churchyard.
No mourners. No regrets
- Oh never let there be regrets.
Life, a game of chance I played
With all my wit, and all I knew
And if by living I have made
So little an impression that
My memory dies here with me
So let it be.
But if, perhaps, the words within
Linger gentle in the mind
This as my monument can stand
And say to those, when I am dead
That which I long since should have said

– T A Southern

No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted. – Aesop

No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation. – Fran Lebowitz

No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings. – William Blake

No ceremony that to great ones ’longs,
Not the king’s crown, nor the deputed sword,
The marshal’s truncheon, nor the judge’s robe,
Become them with one half so good a grace
As mercy does.

– William Shakespeare

No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a camel – anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform effectively under such difficult conditions. – Laurence J Peter

No discipline is ever requisite to force attendance upon lectures which are really worth the attending. – Adam Smith, ‘The Wealth of Nations’

No evil can happen to a good man. – Plato

No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness. – Aristotle

No experiment is ever a complete failure. It can always be used as a bad example.

No guest is so welcome in a friend’s house that he will not become a nuisance after three days. – Titus Maccius Plautus

No house should ever be on any hill or on anything. It should be of the hill, belonging to it. – Frank Lloyd Wright

No man’s life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session. – Jacquin’s Postulate on Democratic Government

No man can be a patriot on an empty stomach. – William Cowper

No man can produce great things who is not thoroughly sincere in dealing with himself. – Lowell

No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating one peanut. – Channing Pollock

No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea, Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne were; any mans death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee. – John Donne, ‘No Man is an Iland’

No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.

No man is useless who has a friend, and if we are loved we are indispensable. – Robert Louis Stevenson

No man who is in a hurry is quite civilised. – Will and Ariel Durant

No matter how full a reservoir of maxims one may possess, and no matter how good one’s sentiments may be, if one has not taken advantage of every concrete opportunity to act, one’s character may remain entirely unaffected for the better. With mere good intentions, hell is proverbially paved. – William James, ‘Principles of Psychology’

No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats – approximately one billion Chinese couldn’t care less. – Laszlo’s Chinese Relativity Axiom

No matter how large the work space, if two projects must be done at the same time they will require the same part of the work space.

No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after you have bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.

No matter how minor the task, you will inevitably end up covered with grease and motor oil.

No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody who knew it would.

No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it happened according to his own pet theory. – Finagle’s Second Law

No matter which direction you start, it’s always against the wind coming back.

No matter which way you ride, it’s uphill and against the wind. – First Law of Bicycling

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. – Eleanor Roosevelt

No one ever built a statue to a critic.

No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid.

No one keeps a record of decisions you could have made but didn’t. Everyone keeps a records of your bad ones.

No one knows like a woman how to say things that are at once gentle and deep. – Hugo

No one knows what he can do till he tries. – Publilius Syrus

No one regards what is before his feet; we all gaze at the stars. – Quintus Ennius

No one so thoroughly appreciates the value of constructive criticism as the one who’s giving it. – Hal Chadwick

No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow. – Alice Walker

No problem is so formidable that you can’t just walk away from it. – C Schulz

No public man can be just a little crooked. – Herbert Hoover

No rock so hard but that a little wave
May beat admission in a thousand years.

– Tennyson

No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of paper. – Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was taken over by Rupert Murdoch

No slobbering and messing about. – William Morris

No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary for that purpose to keep awake all day. – Nietzsche

No sooner said than done - so acts your man of worth. – Quintus Ennius

No trumpets sound when the important decisions of our life are made. Destiny is made known silently. – Agnes de Mille

No violence, gentlemen – no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture! – Sherlock Holmes

No woman can endure a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner. – Lord Thomas Dewar

No, ‘Eureka’ is Greek for ‘This bath is too hot.’ – Dr. Who

No, I’m not interested in developing a powerful brain. All I’m after is just a mediocre brain, something like the president of American Telephone and Telegraph Company. – Alan Turing on the possibilities of a thinking machine, 1943.

No-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he had only had good intentions. He had money as well. – Margaret Thatcher

Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it. – Tallulah Bankhead

Nobody is one block of harmony. We are all afraid of something, or feel limited in something. We all need somebody to talk to. It would be good if we talked to each other – not just pitter-patter, but real talk. We shouldn’t be so afraid, because most people really like this contact; that you show you are vulnerable makes them free to be vulnerable too. It’s so much easier to be together when we drop our masks. – Liv Ullman

Nobody knows I’m Elvis.

Nobody loves life like an old man. – Sophocles

Nobody notices when things go right.

Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in order for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the substance of their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young and rob the old. – Lewis Lapham

Nobody wants constructive criticism. It’s all we can do to put up with constructive praise.

Non-determinism means never having to say you are wrong.

None but an ass pays a compliment and asks a favour at the same time. There are many asses. – Mark Twain

None love the bearer of bad news. – Sophocles

None of our men are ‘experts.’ We have most unfortunately found it necessary to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert – because no one ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job. A man who knows a job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient he is. Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the ‘expert’ state of mind a great number of things become impossible. – From Henry Ford Sr., ‘My Life and Work’

Nonsense and beauty have close connections. – E M Forster

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

Not Hercules could have knock’d out his brains, for he had none. – William Shakespeare

Not all men who drink are poets.
Some of us drink because we aren’t poets.

Not all who own a harp are harpers. – Marcus Terentius Varro

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted. – Albert Einstein

Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree. – Professor W

Not to have knowledge of what happened before you were born is to be condemned to live as a child. – Cicero

Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand. – Spinoza

Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Nothing contributes so much to tranquillise the mind as a steady purpose – a point on which the soul may fix its intellectual eye. – Mary Shelley

Nothing cures insomnia like the realisation that it’s time to get up.

Nothing emboldens sin so much as mercy. – William Shakespeare

Nothing endures but change. – Heraclitus

Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced – even a proverb is no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it. – John Keats

Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Nothing improves an innovation like lack of controls.

Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result. – Winston Churchill

Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood. – Marie Curie

Nothing incites to money-crimes like great poverty or great wealth. – Mark Twain

Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. – Tussman’s Law

Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. – Bucy

Nothing is ever always anything. — Rocky Frisco

Nothing is ever as simple as it seems.

Nothing is faster than the speed of light… To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the light comes on.

Nothing is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it. – Andrew Young

Nothing is impossible for anyone impervious to reason.

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself. – A H Weiler

Nothing is made in vain, but the fly came near it. – Mark Twain

Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth. – Nero Wolfe

Nothing is more seductive for man than his freedom of conscience. But nothing is a greater cause of suffering. — Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Nothing is rich but the inexhaustible wealth of nature. She shows us only surfaces, but she is a million fathoms deep. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know. – Michel de Montaigne

Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it. – Pohl’s law

Nothing is so often irretrievably missed as a daily opportunity. – Ebner-Eschenbach

Nothing is stronger than custom. – Ovid

Nothing made the horse so fat as the king’s eye. – Plutarch

Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner. Conscience makes egotists of us all. – Oscar Wilde

Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all. – Arthur Balfour

Nothing recedes like success. – Walter Winchell

Nothing so needs reforming as other people’s habits. – Mark Twain

Nothing succeeds like success. – Alexandre Dumas

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. – Charlie Brown

Nothing will come of nothing. – William Shakespeare

Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee. – Kim Hubbard

Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must be first overcome. – Dr. Johnson

Nought cared this body for wind or weather
When youth and I lived in ’t together.

– Coleridge

Nought occurs at random, but everything for a reason and of necessity. – Leucippus

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the double lock will keep;
May no brick through the window break,
And, no one rob me till I awake.

Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.

Now is the time for all good men to come to. – Walt Kelly

Now is the time for drinking; now the time to beat the earth with unfettered foot. – Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)

Now of my threescore years and ten,
Twenty will not come again,
And take from seventy springs a score,
It leaves me only fifty more.

And since to look at things in bloom
Fifty springs are little room,
About the woodlands I will go
To see the cherry hung with snow.

– A E Houseman

Now that day wearies me,
My yearning desire
Will receive more kindly,
Like a tired child, the starry night.

Hands, leave off your deeds,
Mind, forget all thoughts;
All of my forces
Yearn only to sink into sleep.

And my soul, unguarded,
Would soar on widespread wings,
To live in night’s magical sphere
More profoundly, more variously.

– Hermann Hesse, ‘Going to Sleep’

Now we turn from his grave to find him still living, I believe his power is only just beginning to be recognised and that he will have more influence on his fellow creatures in some ways than any man this century. I cannot yet realise the idea of loss as applied to him - and we who saw him so weary cannot grudge him rest. – Georgiana Burne-Jones, following death of William Morris

Now, like, I’m President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come into the White House and start offering it up, you know?…I bet if they did, I hope I would say,‘Hey, get lost. We don’t want any of that.’ – George Bush, talking about drug abuse to students

Nuclear war will not determine who is right; only who is left.

Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of normal routines, for children and adults alike. – Willard F Libby, ‘You *Can* Survive Atomic Attack’

Nuclear war would really set back cable. – Ted Turner

[Nuclear war]… may not be desirable. – Edwin Meese III

Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.

O’Toole’s Commentary on Murphy’s Law: Murphy was an optimist.

O God! God!
How weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable
Seem to me all the uses of this world!

– William Shakespeare

O Lord, grant that we may always be right,
for Thou knowest we will never change our minds.

– old Scottish prayer:

O Luxury! thou curst by Heaven’s decree!…
Thou source of all my bliss and all my woe,
That found’st me poor at first, and keep’st me so.

– Goldsmith

O give me a home,
Where the buffalo roam,
Where the deer and the antelope play,
Where seldom is heard
A discouraging word,
‘Cause what can an antelope say?

O happiness! our being’s end and aim!
Good, pleasure, ease, content! whate’er thy name:
That something still which prompts the eternal sigh,
For which we bear to live, or dare to die.

– Alexander Pope

O heaven! were man
But constant, he were perfect.

– William Shakespeare

O imitators, you slavish herd. – Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)

O thou child of many prayers!
Life hath quicksands; life hath snares!

– Longfellow

O, good old man, how well in thee appears
The constant service of the antique world,
When service sweat for duty, not for meed!
Thou art not for the fashion of these times,
Where none will sweat but for promotion.

– William Shakespeare

O, how this spring of love resembleth
The uncertain glory of an April day!

– William Shakespeare

O, it is excellent
To have a giant’s strength; but it is tyrannous
To use it like a giant.

– William Shakespeare, ‘Measure for Measure’, II, 2

O, that this too too solid flesh would melt,
Thaw and resolve itself into a dew!
Or that the Everlasting had not fix’d
His canon ’gainst self-slaughter!

– William Shakespeare

O, what men dare do! what men may do! what men daily do, not knowing what they do! – William Shakespeare

OK, now let’s look at four dimensions on the blackboard. – Dr. Joy

OK, so you’re a PhD. Just don’t touch anything.

Obscurity and a competence. That is the life that is best worth living. – Mark Twain

Observation, not old age, brings wisdom.

Of a rich man who was miserly he said, ‘That man does not own his estate, but his estate owns him.’ – Diogenes Laertius

Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.

Of all men’s miseries, the bitterest is this:
to know so much and have control over nothing.

– Herodotus

Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest amount of hot air. – Thomas L Martin

Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. – Plato

Of all the cants which are canted in this canting world, though the cant of hypocrites may be the worst, the cant of criticism is the most tormenting! – Sterne

Of all things man is the measure. – Protagoras

Of course it’s possible to love a human being if you don’t know them too well. – Charles Bukowski

Of course there’s no reason for it, it’s just our policy.

Of course you can’t flap your arms and fly to the moon. After a while you run out of air to push against.

Of course you have a purpose. – to find a purpose.

Of my two ‘handicaps’ being female put more obstacles in my path than being black. – Shirley Chisholm

Office Automation, n.: The use of computers to improve efficiency by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee.

Office machines which function perfectly during normal business hours will break down when you return to the office at night to use them for personal business.

Oft expectation fails, and most oft there
Where most it promises.

– William Shakespeare

Often when he was looking on at auctions he would say, ‘How many things there are which I do not need!’ – Diogenes Laertius

Oh Father, my Father, Oh what must I do?
They’re burning our streets and beating me blue.
‘Listen my son, I’ll tell you the truth:
Get a close haircut and spit-shine your shoes.’

Oh Mother, my Mother, my confusions remove,
I long to embrace her whose hair is so smooth.
‘Now listen my son, although you’re confused,
Cut your hair close and shine all your shoes.’

Oh Teacher, my Teacher, your life with me share.
What books ought I read? What thoughts do I dare?
‘Oh Student, my Student, of dissent you beware.
Shine those dull shoes and cut short your hair.’

Oh Preacher, my Preacher, does God really care?
Are all races equal? Are laws just and fair?
‘Boy – here’s the answer, no need to despair:
Shine those new shoes and cut short that hair.’

Oh don’t the days seem lank and long
When all goes right and none goes wrong,
And isn’t your life extremely flat
With nothing whatever to grumble at!

Oh this age! How tasteless and ill-bred it is. – Gaius Valerius Catullus

Oh wad some power the giftie gie us,
To see oursel’s as others see us!

– Burns

Oh wearisome condition of humanity!
Born under one law, to another bound. – Lord Brooke Fulke Greville

Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive. – William Shakespeare

Oh, I don’t blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I’d be irresponsible, too. – Lichty & Wagner

Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,
And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings;
Sunward I’ve climbed and joined the tumbling mirth
Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things
You have not dreamed of –
Wheeled and soared and swung
High in the sunlit silence.
Hovering there
I’ve chased the shouting wind along and flung
My eager craft through footless halls of air.
Up, up along delirious, burning blue
I’ve topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace,
Where never lark, or even eagle flew;
And, while with silent, lifting mind I’ve trod
The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.

– John Gillespie Magee Jr., ‘High Flight’

Oh, fear not in a world like this,
And thou shalt know erelong, –
Know how sublime a thing it is
To suffer and be strong.

– Longfellow

Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent?
My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went.
But in spite of it all, I’m able to grin,
And think of the places my get-up has been.

– Pete Seeger

Oh, love is real enough, you will find it some day, but it has one arch-enemy – and that is life. – Jean Anouilh, ‘Ardele’

Oh, my friend, it is not what they take away from you that counts – it’s what you do with what you have left. – Hubert H Humphrey

Oh, no, not another learning experience!

Oh, no. Not you again.

Oh, pity human woe!
’T is what the happy to the unhappy owe. – Alexander Pope

Oh, when I was in love with you,
Then I was clean and brave,
And miles around the wonder grew
How well did I behave.

And now the fancy passes by,
And nothing will remain,
And miles around they’ll say that I
Am quite myself again.

– A E Houseman

Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.

Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man. – Trotsky

Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.

Old timer, n: One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization.

Olympian bards who sung Divine ideas below,
Which always find us young And always keep us so.

– Ralph Waldo Emerson

Om mani padme huma (Hail to the jewel of the lotus). – Nepal prayer wheels

Omnibiblious, adj.: Indifferent to type of drink. ‘Oh, you can get me anything. I’m omnibiblious.’

On a fair prospect some have looked,
And felt, as I have heard them say,
As if the moving time had been
A thing as steadfast as the scene
On which they gazed themselves away.

– Wordsworth

On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague: ‘This isn’t right. This isn’t even wrong.’ – Wolfgang Pauli

On ability: A dwarf is small, even if he stands on a mountain top; a colossus keeps his height, even if he stands in a well. – Lucius Annaeus Seneca, 4BC - 65AD

On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day’s income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than $283 on the desk before the cashier.
‘Eckstein!’ exclaimed the cashier. ‘This is fantastic. That route never brought in money like this! What happened?’
‘Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!’

On the whole Earth there’s no being, no substance, and probably no human institution that doesn’t end by growing old. But it’s in the logic of things that every human institution should be convinced of its everlastingness, unless it already carries the seed of its downfall. The hardest steel grows weary. Just as it is certain that one day the Earth will disappear, so it is certain that the works of men will be overthrown.

On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question. – Charles Babbage

Once … in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days. – W C Fields, ‘My Little Chickadee’

Once a dish is fouled up, anything added to save it only makes it worse.

Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse. – Finagle’s Fourth Law

Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled. – Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)

Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, ‘I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease’.
Disraeli replied, ‘That all depends upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress’.

Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it. – Homer

Once the realisation is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the sky. – Rainer Rilke

Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But one creature said at last, ‘I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom.’
The other creatures laughed and said, ‘Fool! Let go, and that current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!’
But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet, in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more. And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, ‘See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come to save us all!’ And the one carried in the current said, ‘I am no more Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this adventure.
But they cried the more, ‘Saviour!’ all the while clinging to the rocks, making legends of a Saviour.

One’s life tends to be like a beaver’s, one dam thing after another.

One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody’s listening. – Franklin P Jones

One can’t proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.

One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar. – Helen Keller

One can search the brain with a microscope and not find the mind, and can search the stars with a telescope and not find God. – J Gustav White

One cannot be always laughing at a man without now and then stumbling on something witty. – Jane Austen

One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs – but it is amazing how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette. – Professor Charles P Issawi

One could not be a successful scientist without realising that, in contrast to the popular conception supported by newspapers and mothers of scientists, a goodly number of scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also just stupid. – J D Watson, ‘The Double Helix’

One day I shall burst my bud of calm and blossom forth into hysteria.

One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell the truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald announced, ‘Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to a question which will be put to him.’ Nasrudin was first in line. The captain of the guard asked him, ‘Where are you going? Tell the truth – the alternative is death by hanging.’
‘I am going,’ said Nasrudin, ‘to be hanged on that gallows.’
‘I don’t believe you.’
‘Very well, if I have told a lie, then hang me!’
‘But that would make it the truth!’
‘Exactly,’ said Nasrudin, ‘your truth.’

One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet when well oiled.

One expresses well the love he does not feel. – J A Karr

One generation cannot bind another. –Thomas Jefferson

One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone.

One good turn deserves another. – Gaius Petronius

One has to look out for engineers – they begin with sewing machines and end up with the atomic bomb. – Marcel Pagnol

One impulse from a vernal wood
May teach you more of man,
Of moral evil and of good,
Than all the sages can.

– Wordsworth

One inch of joy surmounts of grief a span,
Because to laugh is proper to the man.

– Rabelais

One is always a little afraid of love, but above all, one is afraid of pain or causing pain.

One is happy as a result of one’s own efforts, once one knows the necessary ingredients of happiness – simple tastes, a certain degree of courage, self denial to a point, love of work, and, above all, a clear conscience. – George Sand

One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious. – Chateaubriand (1768-1848)

One learns to itch where one can scratch. – Ernest Bramah

One man’s brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as many… – Anthony Chevins

One man’s theology is another man’s belly laugh.

One man with courage is a majority. – Thomas Jefferson

One must be poor to know the luxury of giving.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible from one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at least 70 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts are, of course, simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but when He’s good, nobody can touch Him. – John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan 1983

One of the chief duties of the mathematician in acting as an adviser… is to discourage… from expecting too much from mathematics. – N Wiener

One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say. – Will Durant

One of the pleasures of reading old letters is the knowledge that they need no answer. – Lord George Gordon Byron

One of the signs of Napoleon’s greatness is the fact that he once had a publisher shot. – Siegfried Unseld

One person tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.

One picture is worth more than ten thousand words. – Chinese proverb

One planet is all you get.

One possible reason that things aren’t going according to plan is that there never was a plan in the first place.

One reason why George Washington
Is held in such veneration:
He never blamed his problems
On the former Administration.

– George O Ludcke

One seldom sees a monument to a committee.

One thing about the past.
It’s likely to last.

– Ogden Nash

One thing they don’t tell you about doing experimental physics is that sometimes you must work under adverse conditions… like a state of sheer terror. – W K Hartmann

One thing we know for certain is that he (Osama Bin Laden) is not in Afghanistan, he is in another country or he is dead. – Donald Rumsfeld, US Defence Secretary

One thorn of experience is worth a whole wilderness of warning. – Lowell

One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a new model.

One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.

One who is not wise himself cannot be well advised. – Machiavelli

One world is enough for all of us.

One would like to stroke and caress human beings, but one dares not do so, because they bite. – Vladimir Lenin

One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at the stake while the votes were being counted. – Thomas B Reed

Only God can make random selections.

Only a mediocre person is always at his best. – Somerset Maugham, also attributed to Laurence Peter

Only a sweet and virtuous soul
Like seasoned timber, never gives.

– Goethe

Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.

Only borrow from pessimists - they don’t expect to be paid back.

Only dead fish swim with the stream.

Only great masters of style can succeed in being obtuse. – Oscar Wilde

Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and at the same time put our junk in the garage.

Only lefties are in their right minds.

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men; the other 999 follow men. – Groucho Marx

Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core. – Hannah Arendt

Only the shallow know themselves. – Oscar Wilde

Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely. – Lao Tsze

Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer.

Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one of them is paranoid and the other one is out to get him.

Opiates are the religion of the upper-middle classes. – Debbie VanDam

Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. – Ducharme’s Precept

Opportunity knocks but once.

Originality is the art of concealing your source. – Franklin P Jones

Other people’s romantic gestures seem novel and exciting. Your own romantic gestures seem foolish and clumsy.

Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails.

Otto Neugebauer told the writer the following legend about Einstein. It seems that when Einstein was a young boy he was a late talker and naturally his parents were worried. Finally, one day at supper, he broke into speech with the words: ‘Die Suppe ist zu heiss’ (The soup is too hot). His parents were greatly relieved, but asked him why he hadn’t spoken up to that time. The answer came back: ‘Bisher war Alles in Ordnung’ (Until now everything was in order) – P J Davis & R Hersh, ‘The Mathematical Experience’, 1990

Our business in life is not to succeed but to continue to fail in high spirits. – Robert Louis Stevenson

Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it. – Emerson’s Law of Contrariness

Our doubts are traitors,
And make us lose the good we oft might win
By fearing to attempt.

– William Shakespeare

Our greatest glory is not in falling, but in rising every time we fall. – Copernicus

Our little systems have their day;
They have their day and cease to be;
They are but broken lights of thee.

– Tennyson

Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing. – Roy L Ash, ex-president Litton Industries

Our remedies oft in ourselves do lie,
Which we ascribe to Heaven.

– William Shakespeare

Our sires’ age was worse that our grandsires’.
We their sons are more worthless than they:
so in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt.

– Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)

Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel. – Bella Abzug

Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding,
In all of the directions it can whiz;
As fast as it can go, that’s the speed of light, you know,
Twelve million miles a minute and that’s the fastest speed there is.
So remember, when you’re feeling very small and insecure,
How amazingly unlikely is your birth;
And pray that there’s intelligent life somewhere out in space,
’Cause there’s b****r all down here on Earth!

– Monty Python

Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it. – Alex Schure

Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. – General Omar N Bradley

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

Out of my way! I’m a scientist! – H G Wells, ‘The War Of The Worlds’

Out of sight is out of mind. – Arthur Clough

Out of the crooked timber of humanity no straight thing can ever be made. – Immanuel Kant

Outside a dog
A book is a man’s best friend
Inside a dog
It’s too dark to read

– Groucho Marx

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. – Marion Barry, former Mayor Washington DC

Over the years, I’ve developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now I can remember things that *have* happened before…

Overdrawn? But I still have cheques left!

Owe no man any thing. – Romans 13:8

Paradise is exactly like where you are right now… only much, much better. – Laurie Anderson

Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.

Paranoia doesn’t mean the whole world really isn’t out to get you.

Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.

Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one.

Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It’s easy to criticised, but if everybody hated you, you’d be paranoid too. – D J Hicks

Parsley is gharsley. – Ogden Nash

Patience is the best remedy for every trouble. – Titus Maccius Plautus

Patience will come to he who waits for it.

Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel. – Samuel Johnson, ‘The Life of Samuel Johnson’ by J Boswell

Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious. – Oscar Wilde

Pauca sed matura. (Few but excellent). - Gauss

Peace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding. – Albert Einstein

Peace is much more precious than a piece of land… let there be no more wars. – Mohammed Anwar Sadat, 1918-1981

Peace without justice is tyranny. – William Allen White

Peacemakers may be blessed in heaven but on earth theirs is a thankless task – Mark Almond

‘Peckham Rye, Loughborough, Elephant, St. Paul’s,’
Every morning the porter bawls.
The train grinds out...and I gaze on lots
Of sad back gardens and chimney-pots
Factory stacks and smoky haze
Showering smuts on the close-packed ways.

But, trapped and imprisoned as I may be,
I lift a latch and my thoughts go free,
And once again I am running down
On a winding track from a Cornish town
And I dream the names of the stations through-
‘ Moorswater, Causeland, Sandplace, Looe. ’…

The line twists down through patches sweet
Of soft green pasture and waving wheat
And the stream spreads out to a river wide
Where ships creep up at the turn of tide,
Till a tangle of spars on a blue sky spun
Gives me the sign of the journey done,
And I stand contented on the quay
And hear the surging song of the sea.

So runs the dreamlike journey through,
‘Moorswater, Causeland, Sandplace, Looe’:-
But every morning the porter bawls,
‘Peckham Rye, Loughborough, Elephant, St. Paul’s.’

– Bernard Moore, on journey that’s enchanted travellers for over 100 years; escaping the smoky city for the green Looe valley

Pedestrian: A man who didn’t believe his wife when she said they needed two cars.

People are promoted not by what they can do, but what people think they can do.

People can be divided into three groups:
Those who make things happen,
Those who watch things happen and
Those who wonder what happened.

People in general do not willingly read if they have anything else to amuse them. – Samuel Johnson

People of genius make no mistakes. Their errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery.

People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of the future.

People respond to people who respond.

People tend to congregate in the back of the church and the front of the bus. – Brogan

People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense. – Ken Kesey

People to whom you are attracted invariably thing you remind them of someone else.

People usually get what’s coming to them… unless it’s been mailed.

People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better press than people who are just funny and smart. – Howard Simons, ‘The Washington Post’

People who claim they don’t let little things bother them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito.

People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes. – Abigail Van Buren

People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven’t what they want that they don’t want it. – Ogden Nash

People who live in stone houses shouldn’t throw glasses.

People who make no mistakes do not usually make anything.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

People will believe anything if you whisper it.

People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they did yesterday.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt (Confound those who have said our remarks before us). – Aelius Donatus

Perfection is finally attained, not when there is no longer anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away. – Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy poetry without a certain unsoundness of mind. – Thomas Macaulay

Perhaps the world’s second words crime is boredom. The first is being a bore. – Cecil Beaton

Perilous to all of us are the devices of an art deeper than we ourselves possess. – Gandalf the Grey

Perseverance is more prevailing than violence; and many things which cannot be overcome when they are together, yield themselves up when taken little by little. – Plutarch

Persistence in one opinion has never been considered a merit in political leaders. – Marcus Tullius Cicero, ‘Ad familiares’, 1st century BC

Personally, I don’t think you can make a lawyer honest by an act of legislature. You’ve got to work on his conscience. And his lack of a conscience is what makes him a lawyer. – Will Rogers

Personnel recruiting is a triumph of hope over experience.

Philosophy: Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.

Piddle, twiddle, and resolve,
Not one damn thing do we solve.

– Anonymous, 1776

Piece of cake. – G S Koblas

Pills to be taken in twos always come out of the bottle in threes.

Piping down the valleys wild,
Piping songs of pleasant glee,
On a cloud I saw a child,
And he laughing said to me:
’Pipe a song about a Lamb!’
So I piped with merry cheer.
’Piper, pipe that song again;’
So I piped: he wept to hear.

– William Blake, ‘Songs of Innocence’

Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. – Don Marquis

Place – don’t rape the landscape
Hierarchy – the size of buildings and good manners
Scale – less might be more, too much is not enough
Harmony – sing with the choir, not against it
Enclosure – somewhere for children to play
Materials – let where it is be what it’s made of
Decoration – a bare outline won’t do
Art – not just a sculpture in the forecourt
Signs and lights – don’t make rude signs in public places
Community – involve people

– Charles, Prince of Wales, ‘A Vision of Britain’

Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers couldn’t compete successfully with poets. – Kilgore Trout (Philip J Farmer) ‘Venus on the Half Shell’

Political TV commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.

Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to teach children. – W H Auden

Political speeches are like steer horns. A point here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between. – Alfred E Neuman

Politician, n.: From the Greek ‘poly’ (‘many’) and the French ‘tete’ (‘head’ or ‘face,’ as in ‘tete-a-tete’: head to head or face to face). Hence ‘polytetien’, a person of two or more faces. – Martin Pitt

Politicians are the same everywhere. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. – Nikita Khrushchev

Politics – the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other. – Oscar Ameringer

Politics and the fate of mankind are formed by men without ideals and without greatness. Those who have greatness within them do not go in for politics. – Albert Camus

Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as dangerous. In war, you can only be killed once. – Winston Churchill

Politics is like coaching a football team. you have to be smart enough to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realise that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. – Ronald Reagan

Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn’t happen. – Winston Churchill

Politics, like religion, hold up the torches of martyrdom to the reformers of error. – Thomas Jefferson

Populus vult decipi (The people like to be deceived).

Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage.

Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.

Poverty begins at home.

Poverty is the mother of crime. – Aurelius, Marcus

Poverty must have its satisfactions, else there would not be so many poor people. – Don Herold

Power is poison.

Power tends to corrupt, absolute power corrupts absolutely. – Lord Acton

Power, like a desolating pestilence,
Pollutes whate’er it touches…

– Percy Bysshe Shelley

Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming. – J P McEvoy

Practical politics consists in ignoring facts. – Henry Adams

Practically perfect people never permit sentiment to muddle their thinking. – Mary Poppins

Practice is the best of all instructors. – Publilius

Practice yourself what you preach. – Titus Maccius Plautus

Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore. – Russian Proverb

Predestination was doomed from the start.

Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future. – Niels Bohr

Prejudice is the reason of fools. – Voltaire

Preserve the old, but know the new.

President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.

Preudhomme’s Law of Window Cleaning: It’s on the other side.

Pride goeth before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall – Proverbs 16:18

[Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves the working man – he loves to see him work. – Winston Churchill

[Prime Minister MacDonald] has the gift of compressing the largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thought. – Winston Churchill

Princes and lords may flourish or may fade, –
A breath can make them, as a breath has made;
But a bold peasantry, their country’s pride,
When once destroy’d, can never be supplied.

– Goldsmith

Private property is a nuisance. – Paul Erdös

Procrastination means never having to say you’re sorry.

Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed the deadline).

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. – Rich Cook

Progress does not consist in replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is right. It consists in replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is more subtly wrong.

Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything. – George Bernard Shaw

Progress is made on alternate Fridays. – Weinberg’s First Law

Progress means replacing a theory that is wrong with one more subtly wrong.

Progress might have been all right once, but it’s gone on too long. – Ogden Nash

Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword.

Proof that 2 equals 1

1) Given:
2) Multiply both sides by X:
3) Subtract Y^2 from both sides:
4) Factorise:
5) Cancel out (X-Y) term:
6) Substitute X for Y, by equation 1
7)Divide both sides by Y

– "Omni"

Proper treatment will cure a cold in seven days, but left to itself, a cold will hang on for a week. – Darrell Huff

Prosperity is the best protector of principle. – Mark Twain

Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them. – Publilius Syrus

Proverbs, like the sacred books of each nation, are the sanctuary of the intuitions. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they’re OK, you’re it.

Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents’ shortcomings. – Laurence J Peter, ‘Peter’s Principles’

Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd.

Psychoanalysis is that mental illness for which it regards itself a therapy. – Karl Kraus

Psychotherapy is the theory that the patient will probably get well anyhow and is certainly a damn fool. – H L Mencken

Public opinion in this country is everything. – Abraham Lincoln,

Public servant: Persons chosen by the people to distribute the graft. – Mark Twain

Public sympathy is everything; with it nothing can fail, without it nothing can succeed’ – Abraham Lincoln

Punctuality is the virtue of the bored. – Evelyn Waugh

Puritanism – the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. – H L Mencken, ‘A Book of Burlesques’

Push something hard enough and it will fall over. – Fudd’s First Law of Opposition

Put a rogue in the limelight and he will act like an honest man. – Napoleon Bonaparte, ‘Maxims’

Put all your eggs in one basket and – WATCH THAT BASKET. – Mark Twain

Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.

Put your hand in an oven for a minute and it will be like an hour, sit beside a beautiful woman for an hour and it will be like a minute, that is relativity. — Albert Einstein

Pythagoras, when he was asked what time was, answered that it was the soul of this world. – Plutarch

Q: Are you married?
A: No, I’m divorced.
Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A: A lot of things I didn’t know about.
– Courtroom quote

Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A: No.
Q: What was he doing with the dog’s ears?
A: Picking them up in the air.
Q: Where was the dog at this time?
A: Attached to the ears.
– Courtroom quote

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A: I will be three months November 8th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?
– Courtroom quote

Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is?
A: One per person.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
– Courtroom quote

Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence?
A: Seemed logical – I didn’t have any real intelligence.

Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolises a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a light bulb assassin to break the bulb in the first place.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One: the lawyer holds it while the rest of the world revolves around him.

Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
– Courtroom quote

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me.’
Q: Did he kill you?
A: No.
– Courtroom quote

Q: What is your name?
A: Ernestine McDowell.
Q: And what is your marital status?
A: Fair.
– Courtroom quote

Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
Mr. Brooks: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
– Courtroom quote

Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.

Quality Control, n.: The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.

Quandoque bonus dormitat Homerus (Even the worthy Homer some times nods). – Horace, ‘De Arte Poetica’

Quantity is no substitute for quality, but it’s the only one we’ve got.

Quantum Mechanics is God’s version of ‘Trust me.’

Quantum mechanics is certainly imposing. But an inner voice tells me that it is not yet the real thing. The theory says a lot, but does not bring us any closer to the secret of the ‘Old One’. – Albert Einstein

Question reality.

Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur (Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound).

Quit while you’re still behind.

Racism is the snobbery of the poor. – Raymond Aron

Rain falls where clouds come
Sun shines where clouds go
Clouds just come and go.

– Florian Gutzwiller

Rashness attends youth, as prudence does old age. – Cicero

Reading is thinking with someone else’s head instead of one’s own.

Reading maketh a full man, conference a ready man, and writing an exact man. – Bacon

Reality is a crutch for people who can’t deal with science fiction.

Reality is for people who lack imagination.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. - Albert Einstein

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away. – Philip K Dick

Reality is what, when you don’t believe in it, won’t go away.

Reason is itself a matter of faith. It is an act of faith to assert that our thoughts have any relation to reality at all. - G K Chesterton

Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being flat broke and having a stomach ache. – Dolph Sharp, ‘I’m OK, You’re Not So Hot’

Regret is an appalling waste of energy; you can’t build on it; it is good only for wallowing in. – Katherine Mansfield

Reisner’s Rule of Conceptual Inertia: If you think big enough, you’ll never have to do it.

Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin. – Anatole France

Religion is a crutch, but that’s okay… humanity is a cripple.

Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. – Napoleon

Religion without humanity is poor human stuff. – Sojourner Truth

Remain silent about your intentions until you are sure

Remember Darwin; building a better mousetrap merely results in smarter mice.

Remember that I can do anything to anybody. – favourite utterance of the Roman Emperor Caligula

Remember the golden rule: Those that have the gold make the rules.

Remember what Simonides said – that he never repented that he had held his tongue, but often that he had spoken. – Plutarch

Remember, Grasshopper, falling down 1000 stairs begins by tripping over the first one. – Confusion

Remember, even if you win the rat race – you’re still a rat.

Remembering is for those who have forgotten. – Chinese proverb

Remembrance and reflection how allied!
What thin partitions sense from thought divide!

– Alexander Pope

Remove me from this land of slaves,
Where all are fools, and all are knaves,
Where every knave and fool is bought,
Yet kindly sells himself for nought.

– Jonathan Swift

Removing the straw that broke the camel’s back does not necessarily allow the camel to walk again.

Reporter: ‘Mr. Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilisation?’
Mahatma Gandhi: ‘I think it would be a good idea’.

Research is what I’m doing when I don’t know what I’m doing. – Wernher von Braun

Resembling small factories or expensive refrigerators. – David Watkin, on 1920’s ‘moderne’ houses

Resisting temptation is easier when you think you’ll probably get another chance later on.

Revealed! EC Directive released on 1st April 1998!
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than French, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, and strongly lobbied for by the German government and the new member Austria, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year-phase-in plan that would be known as ‘EuroEnglish’.
In the first year, ‘s’ will replace the soft ‘c’. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard ‘c’ will be dropped in favour of the ‘k’. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome ‘ph’ will be replaced with the ‘f, This will make words like ‘fotograf’ 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent ‘e’s in the language is disgraceful and they should go away.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing ‘th’ with ‘z’ and ‘w’ with ‘v’. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary ‘o’ kan be dropd from vords kontaining ‘ou’ and similar changes vud of kors be allid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil flnd it ezi tu understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!

Reviewers are usually people who would have been poets, historians, biographers, if they could; they have tried their talents at one or the other, and have failed; therefore they turn critics. – Coleridge

Revolution is the festival of the oppressed. – Germaine Greer

Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. – Oscar Wilde

Rich honesty dwells like a miser, sir, in a poor house; as your pearl in your foul oyster. – William Shakespeare

Richard L Jones: ‘Dammit, Frank, it’s leaking on my desk’
Frank Lloyd Wright: ‘Richard, why don’t you move your desk?’

– discussion between cousins over the leaking roof of Westhope, designed by Wright

Righteous people terrify me … virtue is its own punishment. – Aneurin Bevan

Rights is a fictional abstraction. No one has Rights, neither machines nor flesh-and-blood. Persons… have opportunities, not rights, which they use or do not use. – Lazarus Long

Rome was not built in one day. – John Heywood

Rotten wood cannot be carved. – Confucius, ‘Analects’, Book 5, Ch. 9

Round Numbers are always false. – Samuel Johnson

Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London: Any member introducing a dog into the Society’s premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat.

Rule of Feline Frustration: When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom.

Rules for Good Grammar #4:
(1) Don’t use no double negatives.
(2) Make each pronoun agree with their antecedents.
(3) Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
(4) About them sentence fragments.
(5) When dangling, watch your participles.
(6) Verbs has got to agree with their subjects.
(7) Just between you and i, case is important.
(8) Don’t write run-on sentences when they are hard to read.
(9) Don’t use commas, which aren’t necessary.
(10) Try to not ever split infinitives.
(11) It is important to use your apostrophe’s correctly.
(12) Proofread your writing to see if you any words out.
(13) Correct speling is essential.
(14) A preposition is something you never end a sentence with.
(15) While a transcendent vocabulary is laudable, one must be eternally careful so that the calculated objective of communication does not become ensconced in obscurity. In other words, eschew obfuscation.

Rules for Writers:
Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read. Don’t use no double negatives. Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate; and never where it isn’t. Reserve the apostrophe for it’s proper use and omit it when its not needed. No sentence fragments. Avoid commas, that are unnecessary. Eschew dialect, irregardless. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction. Hyphenate between sy-llables and avoid un-necessary hyphens. Write all adverbial forms correct. Don’t use contractions in formal writing. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. It is incumbent on us to avoid archaisms. Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have snuck in the language. Never, ever use repetitive redundancies. If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times, resist hyperbole. Also, avoid awkward or affected alliteration. Don’t string too many prepositional phrases together unless you are walking through the valley of the shadow of death. ‘Avoid overuse of ‘quotation ‘marks.’‘‘

Ruling a big country is like cooking a small fish. – Lao Tsze

Russia has abolished God, but so far God has been more tolerant. – John Cameron Swayze

Sacred cows make the tastiest hamburger. – Abbie Hoffman

Saturninus said, ‘Comrades, you have lost a good captain to make him an ill general.’ – Michel Montaigne

Say Goodbye, you’ll never see Lewes again. – on hoarding near old railway line at Lewes, now built over

Say it with flowers,
Or say it with mink,
But whatever you do,
Don’t say it with ink.

– Jimmy Durante

Say no, then negotiate. – Helga

Scenary is here, wish you were beautiful.

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

Science cannot stop while ethics catch up – and nobody should expect scientists to do all the thinking for the country. – Elvin Stackman

Science commits suicide when it adopts a creed. – Thomas Henry Huxley

Science has done more for the development of Western civilisation in 100 years than Christianity did in 1,800. – John Burroughs (this is a matter of opinion – Ed. )

Science is a differential equation. Religion is a boundary condition. – Alan Turing

Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts is not necessarily science. – Jules Henri Poincairé

Science is not just the fruit of the tree of knowledge, it is the tree itself. – Price, Derek (this is a matter of opinion – Ed. )

Science is true. Don’t be misled by facts. – Finagle’s Creed

Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.

Science knows only one commandment – contribute to science. – Bertolt Brecht

Science may be described as the art of systematic over-simplification. – Karl Popper

Science may have found a cure for most evils; but it has found no remedy for the worst of them all – the apathy of human beings. – Helen Keller

Science may someday discover what faith has always known.

Science! true daughter of Old Time thou art!
Who alterest all things with thy peering eyes.
Why preyest thou thus upon the poet’s heart,
Vulture, whose wings are dull realities?
How should he love thee? or how deem thee wise?
Who wouldst not leave him in his wandering
To seek for treasure in the jewelled skies,
Albeit he soared with an undaunted wing?
Hast thou not dragged Diana from her car?
And driven the Hamadryad from the wood
To seek a shelter in some happier star?
Hast thou not torn the Naiad from her flood,
The Elfin from the green grass, and from me
The summer dream beneath the tamarind tree?

– Edgar Allen Poe, ‘Science, a Sonnet’

Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it. – William Buckley

Scientists prove that scientists disprove what scientists prove… – R A R Bruce

Screw up your courage! You’ve screwed up everything else.

Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the Presidency. – Richard Nixon

Season of mists and mellow fruitfulness
Close bosom-friend of the maturing sun. – John Keats, ‘To Autumn’

Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person’s name, you will pick the wrong one.
Corollary: If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong, anyway.

Second thoughts are ever wiser. – Euripides

Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.

Sed quis custodiet ipsos Custodes? (Who guards the Guardians?)

See, these two penguins walked into a bar, which was really stupid, ‘cause the second one should have seen it.

Seek simplicity – and distrust it. – Alfred North Whitehead

Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow. – Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)

Self Test for Paranoia: You know you have it when you can’t think of anything that’s your own fault.

Self-pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable. – Maya Angelou

Senator: Person who makes laws in Washington when not doing time. – Mark Twain

Sentimentality – that’s what we call the sentiment we don’t share. – Graham Greene

Set the cart before the horse. – John Heywood

She’s beautiful, and therefore to be wooed;
She is a woman, therefore to be won. – William Shakespeare

She’s genuinely bogus.

She’s so tough she won’t take ‘yes’ for an answer.

She’s the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong. – Mae West

She drank good ale, good punch and wine
And lived to the age of ninety-nine.

– tombstone of Rebecca Ireland (d. 1741), Barrow church

She is a woman, therefore may be woo’d;
She is a woman, therefore may be won;
She is Lavinia, therefore must be loved.

– William Shakespeare

She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to. – Gypsy Rose Lee

She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot. – Mark Twain

She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them were bad.

She often gave herself very good advice (though she very seldom followed it). – Lewis Carroll

She said, ‘I know you… you cannot sing’. I said, ‘That’s nothing, you should hear me play piano.’ – Morrisey

She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way a midget is good at being short. – Clive James, on Marilyn Monroe

She would rather light candles than curse the darkness, and her glow has warmed the world. – Adlai Stevenson, concerning Eleanor Roosevelt

Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature. – Samuel Johnson

Shoot for the moon – even if you miss you’ll land among the stars – Les Brown

Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss.

Show me a person who’s never made a mistake and I’ll show you somebody who’s never achieved much.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you. – C G Jung

Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.

Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response.

Sic transit gloria mundi (So passes away the glory of this world). – Thomas a Kempis

Sigh no more, ladies, sigh no more,
Men were deceivers ever, –
One foot in sea and one on shore,
To one thing constant never.

– William Shakespeare

Sign: Haircuts While You Wait

Silence gives consent. – Goldsmith

Silence is deep as Eternity, speech is shallow as Time. – Carlyle

Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves. – Thomas Carlyle

Silverman’s Law: If Murphy’s Law can go wrong, it will.

Simon’s Law: Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.

Simple jobs always get put off because there will be time to do them later.

Simplicity does not precede complexity, but follows it.

Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication. – Steve Jobs

Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all. – Holmes

Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. All other ‘sins’ are invented nonsense. (Hurting yourself is not sinful – just stupid). – Lazarus Long

Sin makes its own hell, and goodness its own heaven. – Mary Baker Eddy

Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised when others believe him. – Charles de Gaulle

Since the war, Modernism, or Modernismus , as it should be called on the German precedent, has invaded this country like an epidemic and though there are signs of reaction, its attack is insidious and far-reaching. – Reginald Bloomfield, ‘Modernismus’, 1934

Since we cannot hope for order, let us withdraw with style from the chaos. – Tom Stoppard

Since when do you have to agree with people to defend them from injustice? – Lillian Hellman

[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. – Winston Churchill

Six days after the Creation, Adam was still alone in the Garden of Eden, and getting pretty desperate. ‘God!’ he cried, ‘rescue me from loneliness and despair! Send some company for Your sake!’
God replied ‘OK, I have just the thing. Keep you warm and relaxed all the days of your life. Never complains. Looks up to you in every way. It’ll cost you though’.
‘Sounds ideal’ said Adam. ‘The society of the beasts of the field and the birds of the air palls after a while. What’s the price?’
‘An arm and a leg’, said God.

Adam thought about it for a bit and finally sighed. ‘So, what can I get for a rib?’

Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorised a printing of the Vulgate Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull automatically excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration in the text. This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible. He personally examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the published Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps had to be printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result provoked wry comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and Pope Sixtus had no recourse but to order the return and destruction of every copy.

Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill gives us modern art. – Tom Stoppard

Skinner’s Constant (or Flannagan’s Finagling Factor): That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should have gotten.

Sleep – the most beautiful experience in life – except drink. – W C Fields

Small is beautiful. – Schumacher’s Dictum

Small things make base men proud. – William Shakespeare, ‘Henry VI’

Smart people believe only half of what they hear. Smarter people know which half to believe. – Rose Zugswert

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years. – George Burns

Smoking can kill - but it cures kippers.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. – Fletcher Knebel

Smooth runs the water where the brook is deep. – William Shakespeare

Snoopy: No problem is so big that it can’t be run away from.

So… how come the Corinthians never wrote back?

So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence. – Bertrand Russell

So far as we are human, what we do must be either evil or good: so far as we do evil or good, we are human: and it is better, in a paradoxical way, to do evil than to do nothing: at least we exist. – T S Eliot, essay on Baudelaire

So long as Liverpool endures there will be samples of his masonry in existence equal to anything of the kind the world has yet seen. – The Builder, 1859, on the work of Jesse Hartley at Liverpool Docks.

So long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those who wish to tyrannise will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent, and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men. – Voltarine de Cleyre

So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way. – Publilius Terentius Afer (Terence)

So many people seem unhappy because they’re not doing something important. But what does it matter what a man does, provided he gives, contributes? You must make yourself love what you do, and do it as best you can. What other reason for life can we ever really know for sure? – Ed Louette, Canadian log-cabin builder, quoted in ‘Alone in the Wilderness’ by Mike Tomkies, 1976

So so is good, very good, very excellent good:
and yet it is not; it is but so so.

– William Shakespeare, ‘As You Like It’

So this it. We’re going to die.

‘So we went to Atari and said, ‘Hey, we’ve got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we’ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we’ll come work for you.’ And they said, ‘No.’ So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, ‘Hey, we don’t need you. You haven’t gotten through college yet.’’ – Steve Jobs, founder of Apple Computer, Inc, on his attempt to get backing for a new personal computer developed by himself and Steve Wozniak.

So wise so young, they say, do never live long. – William Shakespeare

So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of money. – Ayn Rand

So, if there’s no God, who changes the water. – New Yorker cartoon of two goldfish in a bowl

So, what’s with this guy Gideon, anyway? And why can’t he ever remember his Bible?

Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.

Socrates said he was not an Athenian or a Greek, but a citizen of the world. – Plutarch

Socrates said that there was one only good, namely, knowledge; and one only evil, namely, ignorance. – Diogenes Laertius

Socrates said, ‘Bad men live that they may eat and drink, whereas good men eat and drink that they may live.’ – Plutarch

Socrates thought that if all our misfortunes were laid in one common heap, whence every one must take an equal portion, most persons would be contented to take their own and depart. – Plutarch

Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more ‘user-friendly’… Their best approach, so far, has been to take all the old brochures, and stamp the words, ‘user-friendly’ on the cover. – Bill Gates, Microsoft, Inc.

Soldiers who wish to be a hero
Are practically zero,
But those who wish to be civilians,
They run into the millions.

Solitude is as needful to the imagination as society is wholesome for the character. – Lowell

Solutions are obvious if one only has the optical power to observe them over the horizon. – K A Arsdall

Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon ’em. – William Shakespeare

Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed,
and some few to be chewed and digested.

– Francis Bacon

Some changes are so slow, you don’t notice them.
Others are so fast, they don’t notice you.

Some come to the fountain of knowledge to drink, some prefer to just gargle.

Some don’t prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit.

Some errors will always go unnoticed until a book is in print.

Some marriages are made in heaven – but so are thunder and lightning.

Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them. – Ed Howe

Some men are all right in their place - if they only the knew the right places. – Mae West

Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them. – Joseph Heller, ‘Catch-22’

Some men are discovered; others are found out.

Some men rob you with a six-gun – others with a fountain pen. – Woodie Guthrie

Some might consider him as too fond of fame; for the desire of glory clings even to the best men longer than any other passion. – Tacitus

Some of the things that live the longest in peoples’ memories never really happened.

Some parts of the past must be preserved, and some of the future prevented at all costs.

Some people are discovered; others are found out.

Some people have a way about them that seems to say: ‘If I have only one life to live, let me live it as a jerk.’

Some people in this department wouldn’t recognise subtlety if it hit them on the head.

Some people live life in the fast lane. You’re in oncoming traffic.

Some people manage by the book, even though they don’t know who wrote the book or even what book.

Some people pray for more than they are willing to work for.

Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even worse. – Avery

Some primal termite knocked on wood.
And tasted it, and found it good.
And that is why your Cousin May
Fell through the parlour floor today.

– Ogden Nash

Some rise by sin, and some by virtue fall. – William Shakespeare

Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books. – Folk saying

Some things have to be believed to be seen.

Some village Hampden, that with dauntless breast
The little tyrant of his fields withstood,
Some mute inglorious Milton here may rest,
Some Cromwell guiltless of his country’s blood.

– Gray

Somebody else’s ignorance is bliss. – Jack Vance

Somebody left the cork out of my lunch. – W C Fields

Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the pens will multiply instead of disappear.

Someday your prints will come. – Kodak

Somehow, the world always affects you more than you affect it.

Someone asked a woman:
When a woman says ‘No’, does she really mean ‘No’?
No!, replied the woman.

– variant of Epimenides’ Cretan paradox, from a Greek periodical

Something’s rotten in the state of Denmark. – William Shakespeare

Something unpleasant is coming when men are anxious to tell the truth. – Benjamin Disraeli

Sometime when you least expect it, Love will tap you on the shoulder… and ask you to move out of the way because it still isn’t your turn. – N V Plyter

Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I’m the only ashtray.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m in my right mind. Then it passes off and I’m as intelligent as ever. – Samuel Beckett, ‘Endgame’

Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. – Lily Tomlin

Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer. – Montesquieu

Sometimes even to live is an act of courage. – Seneca

Sometimes the best medicine is to stop taking something.

Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I feel very peculiar. I feel like I’ve just got to bite a cat! I feel like if I don’t bite a cat before sundown, I’ll go crazy! But then I just take a deep breath and forget about it. That’s what is known as real maturity. – Snoopy

Sometimes, when I think of what that girl means to me, it’s all I can do to keep from telling her. – Andy Capp

‘Somewhere’, said Father Vittorini, ‘did Blake not speak of the Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men and women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our best, with good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are we not God’s Machineries of Joy?’

‘If Blake said that’, said Father Brian, ‘he never lived in Dublin.’

– R Bradbury, ‘The Machineries of Joy’

Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering.

Somewhere, right now, there’s a committee deciding your future; only you weren’t invited.

Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known. – Carl Sagan

Sooner will people hold fire in their mouths than keep a secret.

Space is to place as eternity is to time. – Joseph Joubert

Spare no expense to save money on this one. – Samuel Goldwyn

Spark’s Sixth Rule for Managers: If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him.

Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman. – Dave Millman

Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently these days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people to communicate with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can’t communicate, children who can’t communicate with their parents, and so on. And the characters in these books and plays and so on (and in real life, I might add) spend hours bemoaning the fact that they can’t communicate. I feel that if a person can’t communicate, the very least he can do is to Shut Up! – Tom Lehrer, ‘That Was the Year that Was’

Spelling is a lossed art.

Spinoza believed that the universe was eternal. Since he believed that Time was a part of the universe, the universe itself could have neither beginning nor end. He uses the Latin phrase “Deus sive Natura” which means “God or Nature (the Universe).” Spinoza believed that God and Nature were identical. In the sense that God sustains himself, God creates himself, and so, Nature or the Universe. Thus, Spinoza calls God “Causa sui,” which means “cause of himself.” — Ken Stern

Spouse, n.: Someone who’ll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn’t have had if you’d stayed single.

Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion.

Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by no means the only ‘certain’ standard. If you mistake what is relative for something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth. – Chuang Tzu

Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down.

Stands the village click at three?
And is there honey still for tea?

– Brooke, Rupert, ‘The Old Vicarage, Grantchester’

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. – W C Fields

Statesmen are not only liable to give an account of what they say or do in public, but there is a busy inquiry made into their very meals, beds, marriages, and every other sportive or serious action. – Plutarch

Statistics are no substitute for judgement. – Henry Clay

Statistics means never having to say you’re certain.

Still you keep o’ the windy side of the law. – William Shakespeare

Stone should appear as stone, iron as iron, wood as wood. – Viollet Le-Duc

Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you.

Stress: That feeling created when one’s mind overrides the body’s basic desire to choke the living daylights out of someone who deserves it.

Striving to better, oft we mar what’s well. – William Shakespeare

Study the ancient work directly and learn to understand it. – William Morris

Substitute ‘damn’ every time you’re inclined to write ‘very’; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. – Mark Twain

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them. – Bill Vaughn

Success has a 100 fathers, but failure is an orphan. – John F Kennedy, following ‘Bay of Pigs’ debacle

Success is a journey, not a destination.

Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.

Success is in the minds of Fools. – William Wrenshaw, 1578

Success is relative: It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things. – T S Eliot, ‘The Family Reunion’

Success is the sole earthly judge of right and wrong. – Adolph Hitler, ‘Mein Kampf’

Such a foolish notion, that war is called devotion, when the greatest warriors are the ones who stand for peace.

Such evil deeds could religion prompt. – Titus Lucretius Carus

Superstition is a religion of feeble minds. – Edmund Burke

Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging. – Martin Luther

Support Bingo, keep Grandma off the streets.

Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest men in national government too. – Richard Nixon

Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind. – William Shakespeare

Sweet April showers do spring May flowers. – Thomas Tusser

Sweet are the slumbers of the virtuous man. – Addison

Sweet mercy is nobility’s true badge. – William Shakespeare

TV is chewing gum for the eyes. – Frank Lloyd Wright

Table manners are for people who have nothing better to do.

Tact in audacity is knowing how far you can go without going too far. – Jean Cocteau

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.

Tact, n.: The unsaid part of what you’re thinking.

Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.

Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool. – Kipling

Take time to reflect on all the things you have, not as a result of your merit or hard work or because God or chance or the efforts of other people have given them to you.

Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously. – Booth Tarkington

Taken as a whole, the universe is absurd. – Walter Savage Landor

Taking drugs in the 60’s, I tried to reach Nirvana, but all I ever got were re-runs of The Mickey Mouse Club. – Rev. Jim

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. – Euripides

Talkers are no good doers. – William Shakespeare, ‘Henry VI’

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. – Laurie Anderson

Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself. – Friedrich Nietzsche

Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar. – Benjamin Franklin

Taught by that Power that pities me, I learn to pity them. – Goldsmith

Tax reform means ‘Don’t tax you, don’t tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree.’ – Russell Long

Taxes, n.: Of life’s two certainties, the only one for which you can get an extension.

Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.

Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means for going backwards. – Aldous Huxley

Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

Technology is dominated by two types of people:
Those who understand what they do not manage.
Those who manage what they do not understand.

– Putt’s Law

Tehee quod she, and clapte the wyndow to. – Geoffrey Chaucer

Television has brought back murder into the home – where it belongs. – Alfred Hitchcock

Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other. – Ann Landers

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. – attributed to both Fred Allen and Ernie Kovacs

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he’ll have to touch to be sure.

Tell me thy company, and I will tell thee what thou art. – Miguel de Cervantes

Tell me where is fancy bred,
Or in the heart or in the head?

– William Shakespeare

Tell me, O Octopus, I begs,
Is those things arms, or is they legs?
I marvel at thee, Octopus;
If I were thou, I’d call me us.

– Ogden Nash

Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally promoting a falsehood, isn’t it. – A Hope

Tempt not a desperate man. – William Shakespeare, ‘Romeo and Juliet’

Ten persons who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent. – Napoleon I

Ten years of rejection slips is nature’s way of telling you to stop writing. – R Geis

Terence, this is stupid stuff:
You eat your victuals fast enough;
There can’t be much amiss, ‘tis clear,
To see the rate you drink your beer.
But oh, good Lord, the verse you make,
It gives a chap the belly-ache.
The cow, the old cow, she is dead;
It sleeps well the horned head:
We poor lads, ‘tis our turn now
To hear such tunes as killed the cow.
Pretty friendship ‘tis to rhyme
Your friends to death before their time.
Moping, melancholy mad:
Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad.

– A E Houseman

Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave school, and then work, work, work till we die. – C S Lewis

Tertullian [one of the founders of the Catholic Church] was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 AD. He was a pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city until about his 35th year, when he became a Christian…. To him is ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe because it is absurd).
This does not altogether accord with historical fact, for he merely said:
‘And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because it is absurd.
And buried he rose again, which is certain because it is impossible.’
Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it.

– C G Jung, ‘Psychological Types’

Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even one which cannot be justified on any other grounds. – J Finnegan, USC.

Thank God I’ve always avoided persecuting my enemies. – Adolf Hitler

Thank you for turning a simple transaction into a bizarre ritual.

That’s always the way when you discover something new; everyone thinks you’re crazy. – Evelyn E Smith

That’s one small step for a man; one giant leap for mankind. – Neil Armstrong

That a lie which is half a truth is ever the blackest of lies;
That a lie which is all a lie may be met and fought with outright;
But a lie which is part a truth is a harder matter to fight.

– Tennyson

That best portion of a good man’s life, –
His little, nameless, unremembered acts
Of kindness and of love.

– Wordsworth

That boy’s about as sharp as a pound of wet liver – Foghorn Leghorn

That component of any circuit which has the shortest service life will be placed in the least accessible location.

That in the captain’s but a choleric word
Which in the soldier is flat blasphemy.

– William Shakespeare

That inexorable force that drives all things skyward, towards the infinite truth that lies beyond.

That is the true season of love, when we believe that we alone can love, that no one could have loved so before us, and that no one will love in the same way as us. – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it. – A congressional candidate in Texas

That man that hath a tongue, I say, is no man,
If with his tongue he cannot win a woman.

– William Shakespeare

That men do not learn very much from history is the most important of all the lessons that history has to teach. – Aldous Huxley

That money talks,
I’ll not deny,
I heard it once,
It said ‘Good-bye.

– Richard Armour

That must be wonderful: I don’t understand it at all. – Moliere

That segment of the community with which one has the greatest sympathy as a liberal, inevitably turns out to be one of the most narrow-minded and bigoted segments of the community.

That that is is that that is not is not.

That which does not kill you makes you smarter.

That which is excellent endures. – Aristotle

That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee.

That woman speaks eight languages and can’t say ‘no’ in any of them. – Dorothy Parker

That writer does the most, who gives his reader the most knowledge, and takes from him the least time. – Mazzoni, 1844

That, that is, is.
That, that is not, is not.
That, that is, is not that, that is not.
That, that is not, is not that, that is.

The ‘consumer report’ on the item will come out a week after you’ve made your purchase:
(1) The one you bought will be rated ‘unacceptable’.
(2) The one you almost bought will be rated ‘best buy’.

The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see fit to create Frenchmen in the image of Englishmen. – Winston Churchill, 1942

The Analytical Engine weaves Algebraical patterns just as the Jacquard loom weaves flowers and leaves - Ada Augusta, Countess of Lovelace, the first programmer

The Anglo-Saxon conscience does not prevent the Anglo-Saxon from sinning, it merely prevents him from enjoying his sin. – Salvador De Madariaga

The Bible … is the one supreme source of revelation of the meaning of life, the nature of God and spiritual nature and need of men. It is the only guide of life which really leads the spirit in the way of peace and salvation. – Woodrow Wilson

The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love heterosexuals. It’s just that they need more supervision.

The Bible on letters of reference:
Are we beginning all over again to produce our credentials? Do we, like some people, need letters of introduction to you, or from you? No, you are all the letter we need, a letter written on your heart; any man can see it for what it is and read it for himself. – 2 Corinthians 3:1-2, New English translation

The Bird of Time has but a little way to fly … and the bird is on the wing. – Omar Khayyám

The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting. It has been found difficult and left untried. – Gilbert K Chesterton

The Cross is the sacred symbol of ten dollars, and in such words as Xmas, Xn, etc., stands for Christ, not, as is popular supposed, because it represents a cross, but because the corresponding letter in the Greek alphabet is the initial of his name: Xristos. – Ambrose Bierce

The Devil was sick, – the Devil a monk would be;
The Devil was well, – the devil a monk was he.

– Rabelais

The English country gentleman galloping after a fox – the unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable. – Oscar Wilde, ‘A Woman of No Importance’

The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach their children to speak it. – George Bernard Shaw

The English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is modest about it. – James Agate, British film and drama critic

The Englishman in his house wants peace. A tidy comfort… the rural and rustic. – Herman Muthesius, ‘The English House’

The essence of normalcy is the refusal of reality. — Ernest Becker

The Forest

At the gates of the forest, the surprised man of the world is forced to leave his city estimates of great and small, wise and foolish. The knapsack of custom falls off his back with the first step he makes into these precincts. Here is sanctity which shames our religions, and reality which discredits our heroes. Here we find nature to be the circumstance which dwarfs every other circumstance, and judges like a god all men that come to her. We have crept out of our close and crowded houses into the night and morning, and we see what majestic beauties daily wrap us in their bosom. How willingly we would escape the barriers which render them comparatively impotent, escape the sophistication and second thought, and suffer nature to entrance us. The tempered light of the woods is like a perpetual morning, and is stimulating and heroic.

[The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people. – Somerset Maugham

The German philosopher Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained, ‘Only one man ever understood me.’ He fell silent for a while and then added, ‘And he didn’t understand me.’

The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. I mean in this century’s history. But we all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this century. – Dan Quayle

The International Standards Organization (ISO) and the International Electrotechnical Commission (IEC) designated October 14 as World Standards Day to recognise those volunteers who have worked hard to define international standards…. The United States celebrated World Standards Day on October 11; Finland celebrated on October 13; and Italy celebrated on October 18.

The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided by the number of people in the group.

The irony of man’s condition is that the deepest need is to be free of the anxiety of death and annihilation; but it is life itself which awakens it, and so we must shrink from being fully alive. — Roy Waldman

The Kennedy Constant: Don’t get mad – get even.

The last enemy that shall be destroyed is death. — 1 Corinthians 15:26

The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread. – Anatole France

The Least Perceptive Literary Critic:
The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to give a public reading of his latest poem.
Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, ‘I beg your pardon, Mr. Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me.’
Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece. ‘Be so good as to mark the place and consider at your leisure. I’m sure you can give it a better turn.’
After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr. Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side. ‘There is no need to touch the lines,’ he said. ‘All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation on those passages, and then read them to him as altered. I have known him much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event.’
Pope took his advice, called on Lord Hallifax and read the poem exactly as it was before. His unique critical faculties had lost none of their edge. ‘Ay’, he commented, ‘now they are perfectly right. Nothing can be better.’

– Stephen Pile, ‘The Book of Heroic Failures’

The Least Successful Animal Rescue:
The firemen’s strike of 1978 made possible one of the great animal rescue attempts of all time. Valiantly, the British Army had taken over emergency fire-fighting and on 14 January they were called out by an elderly lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped up a tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty. So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. Driving off later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed it.

– Stephen Pile, ‘The Book of Heroic Failures’

The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as we could with both of them. – Major Major’s father

The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is the reason that He makes so many of them. – Abraham Lincoln

The Man Who Almost Invented The Vacuum Cleaner:
The man officially credited with inventing the vacuum cleaner is Hubert Cecil Booth. However, he got the idea from a man who almost invented it.
In 1901 Booth visited a London music-hall. On the bill was an American inventor with his wonder machine for removing dust from carpets. The machine comprised a box about one foot square with a bag on top. After watching the act – which made everyone in the front six rows sneeze – Booth went round to the inventor’s dressing room.
‘It should suck not blow,’ said Booth, coming straight to the point. ‘Suck?’, exclaimed the enraged inventor. ‘Your machine just moves the dust around the room,’ Booth informed him. ‘Suck? Suck? Sucking is not possible,’ was the inventor’s reply and he stormed out. Booth proved that it was by the simple expedient of kneeling down, pursing his lips and sucking the back of an armchair. ‘I almost choked,’ he said afterwards.

– Stephen Pile, ‘The Book of Heroic Failures’

The Most Unsuccessful Version Of The Bible:
The most exciting version of the Bible was printed in 1631 by Robert Barker and Martin Lucas, the King’s printers at London. It contained several mistakes, but one was inspired – the word ‘not’ was omitted from the Seventh Commandment and enjoined its readers, on the highest authority, to commit adultery.
Fearing the popularity with which this might be received in remote country districts, King Charles I called all 1,000 copies back in and fined the printers £3,000.

– Stephen Pile, ‘The Book of Heroic Failures’

The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on; nor all your Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all your Tears wash out a Word of it.

– Omar Khayyám

The New York Times is read by the people who run the country. The Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country. The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country… – Robert J Woodhead

The Official MBA Handbook on business cards: Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as ‘Lord of the Realm, Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India’ or ‘Director of Corporate Planning.’

[The Orders] have to be so well digested that there is nothing but essence left…. the perfection of the Order is far nearer nature than anything produced on impulse and accident-wise. Every line and curve the result of force against impulse through the centuries. – Edwin Lutyens, architect

The Poems, all three hundred of them,
may be summed up in one of their phrases:
‘Let our thoughts be correct’.

– Confucius

The President has kept all the promises he intended to keep. – George Stephanopolous, aide to President Clinton

The Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but because it gave pleasure to the spectators. – Thomas Macaulay, ‘History of England’

The Queen is most anxious to enlist every one who can speak or write to join in checking this mad, wicked folly of ‘Woman’s Rights’, with all its attendant horrors, on which her poor feeble sex is bent, forgetting every sense of womanly feeling and propriety. Lady–– ought to get a good whipping. It is a subject which makes the Queen so furious that she cannot contain herself. God created men and women different – then let them remain each in their own position. – Letter to Sir Theodore Martin, 29 May 1870, from Queen Victoria

The Right Honourable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests and to his imagination for his facts. – Sheridan

The Roman Rule: The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.

The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorised Autobiography

The Sublime is ‘obscurity, power, privation, vastness, infinity, succession, uniformity, magnitude’ and ‘a quick transition from light to darkness’, ‘ancient heathen temples, which were generally oblong forms with a range of uniform pillars on every side’ – Edmund Burke, ‘Philosophical Enquiry into the Origin of our Ideas of the Sublime & Beautiful’, 1757

The Taliban use food as a weapon. – General Richard Myers during US attacks on Afghanistan

The Third Law of Photography: If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of the dark leaks out.

The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad.

The way to love anything is to realise it might be lost. — G K Chesterton

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts. — Bertrand Russell

The World is a round thing
And full of crooked streets
Death is a market place
Where all Men meets
If Life was a thing
That money could buy
The rich would live
And the Poor would dye

– old gravestone in porch of Poling church, Sussex

The Worst Bank Robbery:
In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone, sheepishly left the building.
A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them. When they demanded 5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it was a practical joke.
Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor clutching his ankle. The other two tried to make their getaway, but got trapped in the revolving doors again.

The Worst Car Hire Service:
When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck as a joke. Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California.
He put on a cap and looked forward to watching people’s faces as he conducted them round the choice of bumperless, dented junkmobiles.
To his lasting surprise there was an insatiable demand for them and he now has 26 thriving branches all over America. ‘People like driving round in the worst cars available,’ he said. Of course they do.
‘If a driver damages the side of a car and is honest enough to admit it, I tell him, `Forget it’. If they bring a car back late we overlook it. If they’ve had a crash and it doesn’t involve another vehicle we might overlook that too.’
‘Where’s the ashtray?’ asked on Los Angeles wife, as she settled into the ripped interior. ‘Honey,’ said her husband, ‘the whole car’s the ash tray.’

– Stephen Pile, ‘The Book of Heroic Failures’

The Worst Homing Pigeon:
This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was expected to reach its base that evening. It was returned by post, dead, in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil.

– Stephen Pile, ‘The Book of Heroic Failures’

The Worst Jury
A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the remotest clue what was happening.
The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any evidence at all and, when there was no reply, dismissed him.
The excitement which this caused was only equalled when a second juror revealed that he spoke not a word of English. A fluent French speaker, he exhibited great surprised when told, after two days, that he was hearing a murder trial.
The trial was abandoned when a third juror said that he suffered from both conditions, being simultaneously unversed in the English language and nearly as deaf as the first juror.
The judge ordered a retrial.

– Stephen Pile, ‘The Book of Heroic Failures’

The absent ones are always at fault.

The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth. – A Camus

The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power. – William Shakespeare, ‘Julius Caesar’

The accusing spirit, which flew up to heaven’s chancery with the oath, blushed as he gave it in; and the recording angel as he wrote it down dropped a tear upon the word and blotted it out forever. – Sterne

The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech. – Clifton Fadiman

The agricultural population, says Cato, produces the bravest men, the most valiant soldiers, and a class of citizens the least given of all to evil designs. – Pliny the Elder

The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to remind him that he is already degraded. – George Orwell

The aim of science is to seek the simplest explanations of complex facts. Seek simplicity and distrust it. – Whitehead.

The all-softening overpowering knell, The tocsin of the soul, – the dinner bell. – Lord Byron

The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely proportional to the subject’s true value.

The amount of noise an organism generates or can tolerate is inversely proportional to its intelligence. – Schopenhauer

The amount of time required to complete a government project is precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it. – Chism

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. – Vail’s Second Axiom

The angry man always thinks he can do more than he can. – Albertano of Brescia

The animals are not as stupid as one thinks - they have neither doctors nor lawyers. – L Docquier

The artist is not a special kind of man; but every man is a special kind of artist. – Eric Gill, sculptor & topographic designer

The assertion that ‘all men are created equal’ was of no practical use in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the Declaration not for that, but for future use. – Abraham Lincoln

The atomic age is here to stay – but are we? – Bennett Cerf

The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.

The attempt and not the deed
Confounds us.

– William Shakespeare

The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord. – Turnaucka’s Law

The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows that the average man can see much better than he can think. – Ladies’ Home Journal

The average income of the modern teenager is about 2 a.m.

The average time between throwing something away and needing it badly is two weeks. This time can be reduced to one week by retaining the thing for a long time first – ‘Bell’s Rule’

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just terrible. – Jean Kerr

The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any reward. – John Maynard Keynes

The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a nation to action is one of mankind’s oldest illusions. – Hacker’s Law

The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk. – Maurice Baring

The best case: Get salary from America, build a house in England, live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food.
Pretty good case: Get salary from England, build a house in America, live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food.
The worst case: Get salary from China, build a house in Japan, live with a British wife, and eat American food. – Bungei Shunju, a popular Japanese magazine

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. – W C Fields

The best defense against logic is ignorance.

The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. – Swift

The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with them while they do it. – Theodore Roosevelt

The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal. – Blair

The best man for the job is often a woman.

The best portion of a good man’s life, his little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love. – Wordsworth

The best prophet of the future is the past.

The best shots are generally attempted through the lens cap.

The best shots happen immediately after the last frame is exposed.

The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are drifting side by side to our common doom. – Clarence Darrow

The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.

The best time to fix the roof is when the sun is shining. – John F Kennedy

The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the letter.

The best way to lie is to tell the truth…. carefully edited truth.

The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match. – Will Rogers

The better part of valour is discretion. – William Shakespeare, ‘Henry IV’

The better the state is established, the fainter is humanity. To make the individual uncomfortable, that is my task. – Nietzsche

The biggest difference between time and space is that you can’t reuse time. – Merrick Furst

The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch.

The boast of heraldry, the pomp of pow’r,
And all that beauty, all that wealth e’er gave,
Await alike the inevitable hour.
The paths of glory lead but to the grave.

– Gray

The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives. – Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project

The boss who attempts to impress employees with his knowledge of intricate details has lost sight of his final objective.

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work.

The brain may devise laws for the blood, but a hot temper leaps o’er a cold decree. – William Shakespeare

The broad mass of a nation… will more easily fall victim to a big lie than to a small one. – Adolf Hitler, ‘Mein Kampf’

The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet’s dream; it is a most depressing and humiliating reality. – Oscar Wilde

The buffalo isn’t as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo. – Art Buchwald

The business of America is business. – Calvin Coolidge

The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at. – George Bush, on the Alaska pipeline

The central dynamism of Christianity, which rests precisely on a unity through variety. – Judith Herrin, an unbeliever, ‘The Formation of Christendom’

The chains of marriage are so heavy that it takes two to carry them, and sometimes three. – Alexandre Dumas

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to… to…… uh……… – Hurewitz’s Memory Principle

The chances of anybody doing anything are inversely proportional to the number of other people who are in a position to do it instead.

The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren’t one in a million, but once would be enough. – Lockwood’s Long Shot

The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up at the steam fitters’ picnic.

The chief cause of problems is solutions.

The chief danger in life is that you may take too may precautions. – Alfred Adler

The chief enemy of creativity is ‘good’ sense. – Picasso

The childhood shows the man,
As morning shows the day.

– Milton

The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I will walk carefully. – Russian Proverb

The city is ourselves, mirroring with precision our needs and our activities, our values and our aspirations, our confusions and our contradictions. – Michael Middleton

The city is the image of the soul, the surrounding walls being the frontier between the outward and inward life. The gates are the faculties or senses connecting the life of the soul with the outward world. Living springs of water rise within it. And in the centre, where beats the heart, stands the holy sanctuary. – St. Catherine of Sienna

The city that has speed has success. – Corbusier

The clearest way into the Universe is through a forest wilderness. – John Muir

The client who pays the least complains the most

The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form. – Stanley J Randal

The coast was clear. – Lope de Vega

The consequences of making this vision [Le Corbusier’s] a reality, as most now recognise, has been disastrous, producing the shattered urban wastelands that have desolated entire communities and disembowelled some of our greatest cities. – Charles, Prince of Wales

The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other subversives. We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up every bird watcher in the country. – Atty John Mitchell, General, 1969-1972

The control of the production of wealth is the control of human life itself. – Hilaire Belloc

The cost of living has just gone up another dollar a quart. – W C Fields

The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.

The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.

The course of true anything never does run smooth. – Samuel Butler

The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket by the paper clip of the overlying memo and go to file.

The cruellest lies are often told in silence. – Robert Louis Stevenson

The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning, and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished - H D Thoreau

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

The day shall come, that great avenging day
Which Troy’s proud glories in the dust shall lay,
When Priam’s powers and Priam’s self shall fall,
And one prodigious ruin swallow all.

– Alexander Pope

The decision doesn’t have to be logical, it was unanimous.

The default Magic Word, ‘Abracadabra’, actually is a corruption of the Hebrew phrase ‘ha-Bracha dab’ra’ which means ‘pronounce the blessing’.

The deficiency will never show itself during the test runs.

The definition of Puritanism is ‘the haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy’ – H L Mencken

The degree of civilisation in a society can be judged by entering its prisons. – F Dostoyevsky

The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older people, and greatly assists in the circulation of the blood. – Logan Pearsall Smith

The descent to Hades is the same from every place. – Anaxagoras

The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose. – William Shakespeare, ‘The Merchant of Venice’

The diameter of the earth is greater than the diameter of the moon and the diameter of the sun is greater than the diameter of the earth. – Archimedes, inventor of the lever and fluid displacement, 287-212 BC

The die is cast. – Gaius Julius Caesar

The difference between a Democracy and a Dictatorship is that in a Democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a Dictatorship you don’t have to waste your time voting. – Charles Bukowski

The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, it would be a calamity. – Benjamin Disraeli

The difference between art and science is that science is what we understand well enough to explain to a computer. Art is everything else. – Donald Knuth, ‘Discover’

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits...

The difference between this place and yogurt is that yogurt has a live culture.

The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer.

The distance to the gate is inversely proportional to the time available to catch your flight.

The distinction between past, present and future is only an illusion, however persistent. – Albert Einstein

The doctor tells me to take something for my Kleptomania.

The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man really clever who has not found that he is stupid. – Gilbert K Chesterton

The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show off this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his next hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the duck fell, the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the duck and returned it to his master. ‘Notice anything?’ the owner asked eagerly. ‘Yes,’ said his friend, ‘I see that fool dog of yours can’t swim.’

The early worm deserves the bird.

The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

The end crowns all,
And that old common arbitrator, Time,
Will one day end it.

– William Shakespeare

The end of labour is to gain leisure.

The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of civilisation. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

The ends justify the means. – after Matthew Prior

The energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor kind of thing. Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation of these atoms is talking moonshine. – Ernest Rutherford, having split the atom

The entire work force of the Communist countries is subjected to periodic purges (called verifications in Newspeak). One of the most severe took place in 1957 when Novotny, rattled by the Hungarian Revolution the year before, tried hard to weed out ‘radishes’ (red outside, white inside) from all but insignificant positions. Any one of the following would often result in the loss of one’s job: Bourgeois or Jewish family background, relatives abroad, contacts with former capitalists, having lived in a Western country, insufficient knowledge of Communist literature, and others.

A man is interviewed by a ‘Verification Committee.’
‘What kind of family do you come from?’
‘A rich, Jewish family.’
‘And your wife?’
‘A German aristocrat.’
‘Have you ever been to the West?’
‘I spent most of my life in England.’
‘How did you make a living there?’
‘A friend supported me.’
‘Where did you get the money from?’
‘He owned a textile factory.’
‘Who was Lenin?’
‘Never heard of him.’
‘What is your name?’
‘Karl Marx.’

The episcopal church was destined, inevitably, to grow further and further from the Christian teaching of poverty and denial of worldly goods. It became more like an additional arm of secular administration.

– Judith Herrin, ‘The Formation of Christendom’, concerning the establishment of the church under Roman domination

The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is a substitute for intelligence. – Lyman Bryson

The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions is the most likely to be correct. – William of Occam

The fact that Hitler was a political genius unmasks the nature of politics in general as no other can. – Wilhelm Reich

The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence that it is not utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind, a widespread belief is more often likely to be foolish than sensible. – Bertrand Russell, ‘Marriage and Morals’, 1929

The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a remarkable Christian forbearance among men. – Ambrose Bierce

The fact that it works is immaterial. – L Ogborn

The fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn’t necessarily endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or compassion. – Saul Alinsky

The fame of other lands had reached them; the name of the Eternal City rang in their ears; they were not colonists, but pilgrims; they travelled towards wine and gold and sunshine, but their hearts were set on something higher. That divine unrest, that old stinging trouble of humanity that makes all high achievements and all miserable failure, the same that spread wings with Icarus, the same that sent Columbus into the desolate Atlantic, inspired these barbarians on their perilous march. – Robert Louis Stevenson, from ‘Will o’ the Mill’

The famous politician was trying to save both his faces.

The farther you go, the less you know. – Lao Tsze, ‘Tao Te Ching’

The fashion wears out more apparel than the man. – William Shakespeare

‘The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.’ – Pat Robertson, in letter to his supporters

The finest eloquence is that which gets things done.

The first 90 percent of the task takes 90 percent of the time, the last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent.

The first and almost the only Book deserving of universal attention is the Bible. – John Quincy Adams

The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes.

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children. – Clarence Darrow

The first marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence, and the second the triumph of hope over experience.

The first myth of management is that it exists.

The first myth of management is that it exists. – ‘Heller’s Law’

The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of management is that success equals skill.

The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent. – Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules

The first page the author turns to upon receiving an advance copy of a book will be the page containing the worst error.

The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it.

The first requisite for immortality is death. – Stanislaw Lem

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. – Paul Erlich

The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers. – William Shakespeare, ‘Henry VI’, Part IV

The first version always gets thrown away.

The firste vertue, sone, if thou wilt lere,
Is to restreine and kepen wel thy tonge.

– Chaucer

The five rules of Socialism:
(1) Don’t think.
(2) If you do think, don’t speak.
(3) If you think and speak, don’t write.
(4) If you think, speak and write, don’t sign.
(5) If you think, speak, write and sign, don’t be surprised.

– as told in Poland, 1987

The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilisation. – Alan Coult

The following statement is not true.
The previous statement is true.

The full potentialities of human fury cannot be reached until a friend of both parties tactfully interferes. – Gilbert K Chesterton

The function of the expert is not to be more right than other people, but to be wrong for more sophisticated reasons. – Dr. David Butler, British psephologist

The funny thing is, the harder he works, the luckier he gets. – Mrs Hart, on her son, the US dramatist Moss Hart

The future exists first in the imagination, then in the will, then in reality.

The future is a race between education and catastrophe. – H G Wells

The future isn’t what it used to be. It never was.

The garden is in mourning;
The rain falls cool among the flowers.
Summer shivers quietly
On its way towards its end.

Golden leaf after leaf
Falls from the tall acacia.
Summer smiles, astonished, feeble,
In this dying dream of a garden.

For a long while, yet, in the roses,
She will linger on, yearning for peace,
And slowly
Close her weary eyes.

– Hermann Hesse, ‘September’

The gentle minde by gentle deeds is knowne;
For a man by nothing is so well bewrayed
As by his manners.

– Spenser

The global importance of the Middle East is that it keeps the Near East and the Far East from encroaching on each other. – Dan Quayle

The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature is to build better mice.

The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.

The golden rule of arts and sciences: The one who has the gold makes the rules.

The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine man in the bonds of Hell. – St. Augustine

The good die first,
And they whose hearts are dry as summer dust
Burn to the socket.

– Wordsworth

The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of statistics. These are raised to the nth degree, the cube roots are extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive displays. What must be kept ever in mind, however, is that in every case, the figures are first put down by a village watchman, and he puts down anything he damn well pleases. – Sir Josiah Stamp

The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the Christian Religion. – George Washington

The government was contemplating the dispatch of an expedition to Burma, with a view to taking Rangoon, and a question arose as to who would be the fittest general to be sent in command of the expedition. The Cabinet sent for the Duke of Wellington, and asked his advice. He instantly replied, ‘Send Lord Combermere.’
‘But we have always understood that your Grace thought Lord Combermere a fool.’
‘So he is a fool, and a damned fool; but he can take Rangoon.’

– G W E Russell

The grass is always greener on the other side – but that’s because they use more manure. – Schapiro’s Explanation

The graveyards are full of indispensable men. – Charles de Gaulle

The great merit of society is to make one appreciate solitude. – Charles Chincholles, ‘Reflections on the Art of Life’

The great nations have always acted like gangsters and the small nations like prostitutes. – Stanley Kubrick

The great question that has never been answered and which I have not yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT. – Sigmund Freud

The great secret in life … [is] not to open your letters for a fortnight. At the expiration of that period you will find that nearly all of them have answered themselves. – Arthur Binstead

The great tragedy of science – the slaying of a beautiful hypothesis by an ugly fact. – Thomas Huxley

The greatest benefit we owe to the artist, whether painter, poet, or novelist, is the extension of our sympathies. – George Eliot

The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding. – Justice Louis D Brandeis

The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves. – Sophocles

The greatest love is a mother’s, then a dog’s, then a sweetheart’s. – Polish proverb

The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none.

The greatest of faults, I should say, is to be conscious of none. – Carlyle

The greatest remedy for anger is delay.

The greatness of work is inside man. – Pope John Paul II

The hand of little employment hath the daintier sense. – William Shakespeare

The hand that rocks the cradle usually is attached to someone who isn’t getting enough sleep.

The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. – Albert Einstein

The hatred of relatives is the most violent. – Tacitus (55-117)

The health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality of functions performed by private citizens. – Alexis de Tocqueville

The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of. – Blaise Pascal, 17th century mathematician and thinker

The height of clerverness is to be able to conceal it – La Rochefoucauld

The help people need most urgently is help in admitting that they need help.

The honeymoon is not actually over until we cease to stifle our sighs and begin to stifle our yawns. – Helen Rowland

The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he’ll be late for supper and she’s already left a note that it’s in the refrigerator. – Bill Lawrence

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public. – Sir George Jessel

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. – Mark Twain

The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner. – Mark Twain

The idea is to die young as late as possible. – Ashley Montague

The ideas of economists and political philosophers, both when they are right and when they are wrong, are more powerful than is generally understood. Indeed, the world is ruled by little else. – John Maynard Keynes

The idle mind knows not what it is it wants. – Quintus Ennius

The ignorant man always adores what he cannot understand. – Cesare Lombroso

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

The important thing is not to stop questioning. – Albert Einstein

The impossible is often the untried. – Jim Goodwin

The individual is losing significance, his destiny is no longer what interests us. – Mies van der Rohe,1924

The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of misunderstanding.

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. – Winston Churchill

The inside contact that you have developed at great expense is the first person to be let go in any reorganisation.

The instruction of children should aim gradually to combine knowing and doing. Among all sciences mathematics seems to be the only one of a kind to satisfy this aim most completely. – Immanuel Kant

The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the number of participants. – Adam Walinsky

The item you had your eye on the minute you walked in will be taken by the person in front of you.

The joy that is felt at the sight of new-fallen snow is inversely proportional to the age of the beholder.

The judge: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any… – Courtroom quote

The judicial process is like a cow. The public is impaled on its horns, the government has it by the tail, and all the while the lawyers are milking it.

The kindest thing I can say about my wife is that her in-laws are a lot nicer than mine.

The knowledge that makes us cherish innocence makes innocence unattainable. – Irving Howe

The label ‘new’ and/or ‘improved’ means the price went up.

The lack of money is the root of all evil. – Mark Twain

The last person who quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong – until the next person quits or is fired.

The last temptation is the greatest treason – to do the right thing for the wrong reason. – T S Eliot

The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first. – Blaise Pascal

The last time somebody said, ‘I find I can write much better with a word processor.’, I replied, ‘They used to say the same thing about drugs.’ – Roy Blount, Jr.

The law is an ass. – Charles Dickens

The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the law free. – Henry David Thoreau

The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine we own. – H G Wells

The laws of science, as we know them at present, contain many fundamental numbers, like the size of the electric charge of the proton and electron. … The remarkable thing is that the values of these numbers seem to have been finely adjusted to make possible the development of life. – Stephen Hawking

The learning of the Christian man ought to begin with the fear of God. – Thomas Cranmer

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder. – Alfred Hitchcock

The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount spent on the wedding.

The liberals can understand everything but people who don’t understand them. – Lenny Bruce

The life expectancy of a house plant varies inversely with its price and directly with its ugliness.

The life that I have
Is all that I have
And the life that I have
Is yours
The love that I have
Of the life that I have
Is yours and yours and yours

– Leo Marks, writing to Violette Szabo who worked for the Special Operations Executive in France during WWII.

The life which is unexamined is not worth living. – Plato

The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching train.

The limits of performance are barriers only to the unimaginative.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep. – Woody Allen

The little girl expects no declaration of tenderness from her doll. She loves it – and that’s all. It is thus that we should love. – De Gourmont

The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself. – Henry Kissinger

The longer I live the more beautiful life becomes. – Frank Lloyd Wright

The longer an event is anticipated–a milestone birthday, an eclipse, a new millennium–the more likely it is to be an anti-climax. – Keith Waterhouse

The longer the title, the less important the job.

The longer you wait in a queue, the greater the likelihood that you are standing in the wrong queue.

The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate. – Marcus Terentius Varro

The longest recorded flight for a chicken is 13 seconds.

The louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person.

The love of our neighbour in all its fullness simply means being able to say, ‘What are you going through?’ – Simone Weil

The low level which commercial morality has reached in America is deplorable. We have humble God fearing Christian men among us who will stoop to do things for a million dollars that they ought not to be willing to do for less than 2 million. – Mark Twain

The magic of our first love is our ignorance that it can ever end. – Benjamin Disraeli

The main thing in one’s own private world is to try to laugh as much as you cry. – Maya Angelou

The major advances in civilisation are processes that all but wreck the societies in which they occur. – Alfred North Whitehead

The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play the violin. – Honore de Balzac

The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time. The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of consistency. – Albert Einstein

The man that hath no music in himself,
Nor is not moved with concord of sweet sounds,
Is fit for treasons, stratagems, and spoils;
The motions of his spirit are dull as night,
And his affections dark as Erebus.
Let no such man be trusted.

– William Shakespeare

The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on.

The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been. – Alan Ashley-Pitt

The man who has never been flogged has never been taught. – Menander

The man who has no more problems is out of the game.

The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas. – H G Wells, ‘Time After Time’

The man who runs may fight again. – Menander

The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful. – Mark Twain.

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. – Jones’ Law

The man who understands one woman is qualified to understand pretty well everything. – Yeats

The march of the human mind is slow. – Edmund Burke

The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one. – Wilhelm Stekel

The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly. – Messiah’s Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul

The marriage suffered a setback in 1965 when the husband was killed by the wife. – ‘New Law Journal’

The marvels of today’s modern technology include the development of a soda can, which, when discarded will last forever – and a $7,000 car which, when properly cared for, will rust out in two or three years.

The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. – Henry David Thoreau

The mate for beauty should be a man and not a money chest. – Bulwer

The measure of a man’s life is the well spending of it, and not the length. – Plutarch

The measure of man is what he does with power. – Pittacus

The meek shall inherit the earth – they are too weak to refuse.

The meek shall inherit the earth, but not its mineral rights. – J P Getty

The meek will inherit the earth – if that’s OK with you.

The meek will inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars.

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed. – Carl Jung

[The members of the Chamberlain government] are decided only to be undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, all-powerful for impotency. – Winston Churchill

The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz said, ‘Life is like a bowl of sour cream.’ ‘Like a bowl of sour cream?’ asked the other. ‘Why?’ ‘How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?’

The minute you read something you don’t understand, you can be almost sure it was drawn up by a lawyer. – Will Rogers

The mirror sees the man as beautiful, the mirror loves the man; another mirror sees the man as frightful and hates him; and it is always the same being who produces the impressions. – Marquis D A F de Sade

The miserable have no other medicine,
But only hope.

– William Shakespeare

The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might be general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the law that any field that had the word ‘science’ in its name was guaranteed thereby not to be a science. He would cite as examples Military Science, Library Science, Political Science, Homemaking Science, Social Science, and Computer Science. Discuss the generality of this law, and possible reasons for its predictive power. – Gerald Weinberg, ‘An Introduction to General Systems Thinking.’

The modern building like a gigantic machine…. Lifts must swarm up the facade like serpents of glass and iron. The house of concrete, iron and glass, without ornament – brutish in all its mechanical simplicity – must rise up the brink of a tumultuous abyss, the street… gathering up the traffic of the metropolis connected for necessary transfers to metal cat walks and high speed conveyor belts. – Marinetti, ‘Futurist Manifesto’

The moon is made of green cheese. – John Heywood

The moral peril to humanity of thoughtlessly accepting these conveniences [of materialism] (with their inherent disadvantages) as constituting a philosophy of life is now becoming apparent. For the implications of this disruptive materialism… are that human beings are nothing but bodies, animals, machines… – Aldous Huxley

The more I see of men the more I admire dogs. – Mme. de Sevigne (1626-1696)

The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work. – Richard Bach, ‘Illusions’

The more boring and out-of-date the magazines in the waiting room, the longer you will have to wait for your scheduled appointment.

The more carefully you plan a project, the more confusion there is when something goes wrong.

The more complex the problem, the sooner the deadline.

The more complicated and grandiose the plan, the greater the chance of failure.

The more control, the more that requires control.

The more expensive the gadget, the less often you will use it.

The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and robbers there will be. – Lao Tsze

The more ridiculous a belief system, the higher probability of its success.

The more the merrier. – John Heywood

The more things change, the more they’ll never be the same again.

The more things change, the more they remain the same. – Alphonse Karr

The more things change, the more they stay insane.

The more time and energy you put into preparing a meal the greater the chance you guests will spend the entire meal discussing other meals they have had.

The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us is right.

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

The mosquito exists to keep the mighty humble.

The most dangerous food is wedding cake. – American proverb

The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else do it wrong without comment. – Theodore H White

The most disagreeable thing that your worst enemy says to your face does not approach what your best friends say behind your back. – Alfred De Musset

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not ‘Eureka!’ (I found it!) but ‘That’s funny…’ – Isaac Asimov

The most glorious exploits do not always furnish us with the clearest discoveries of virtue or vice in men. – Plutarch

The most important item in an order will no longer be available.

The most interesting item will not be labelled.

The most violent element in society is ignorance. – Emma Goldman

The mountain gets steeper as you get closer.

The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt. – William Shakespeare, ‘Love’s Labour’s Lost’

The nearer to the church, the further from God. – John Heywood

The new political gospel: Public office is private graft. – Mark Twain

The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from. – Andrew S Tanenbaum

The noblest mind the best contentment has. – Spenser

The notion that the church, the press, and the universities should serve the state is essentially a Communist notion… In a free society these institutions must be wholly free – which is to say that their function is to serve as checks upon the state. – Alan Barth

The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are correct. – Ralph Hartley

The number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount of work to be done. – Parkinson’s Fourth Law

The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly analyse all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems when called upon.
When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to remind yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp.

The objectives remain the same and indeed that has been made clear by the Prime Minister in a speech yesterday that the objectives are clear and the one about the removal of the Taliban is not something we have as a clear objective to implement but it is possibly a consequence that will flow from the Taliban clearly giving protection to Bin Laden and the UN resolution made it absolutely clear that anyone that finds them in that position declares themselves an enemy and that clearly is a matter for these objectives. – John Prescott, Deputy Prime Minister.

The old falls, time changes,
and new life blossoms out of the ruins.

– Schille

The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader catch his own breath. – Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart

The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom. – H L Mencken

The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.

The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a necessity. – Oscar Wilde

The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

The one ingredient you made a special trip to the store to get will be the one thing your guest is allergic to.

The one thing that money can not buy is poverty.

The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is the one time the boss walks through the office.

The one who least wants to play is the one who will win.

The one who snores will fall asleep first.

The one wrench or drill bit you need will be the one missing from the tool chest.

The one you want is never the one on sale.

The only abnormality is the incapacity to love. – Anais Nin

The only certainty is that nothing is certain. – Pliny the Elder

The only completely consistent people are the dead. – Aldous Huxley

The only constant is change.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions.

The only faith that wears well and holds its colour in all weathers, is that which is woven of conviction and set with the sharp mordant of experience. – Lowell

The only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal. The highest reason, however, I see in the work of the artist, and he may experience it as such. Happiness lies in the swiftness of feeling and thinking: all the rest of the world is slow, gradual and stupid. Whoever could feel the course of a light ray would be very happy, for it is very swift. Thinking of oneself gives little happiness. If, however, one feels much happiness in this, it is because at bottom one is not thinking of oneself but of one’s ideal. This is far, and only the swift shall reach it and are delighted. – Nietzsche

The only justification for our concepts and systems of concepts is that they serve to represent the complex of our experiences; beyond this they have not legitimacy. – Albert Einstein.

The only people for me are the mad ones – the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow Roman candles – Jack Kerouac, ‘On the Road’

The only perfect science is hind-sight.

The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the ‘social sciences’ is: some do, some don’t. – Ernest Rutherford

The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop and take a rest.

The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane. – Phaedrus

The only proper intoxication is conversation. – Oscar Wilde

The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon. – Charles Schultz

The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon. – Charles Schulz, ‘Things I’ve Had to Learn Over and Over and Over’

The only really decent thing to do behind a person’s back is pat it.

The only reward of virtue is virtue. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for men to do nothing. – Edmund Burke

The only thing that experience teaches us is that experience teaches us nothing. – Andre Maurois (Emile Herzog)

The only thing that stops God from sending a second Flood is that the first one was useless. – Nicolas Chamfort

The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself. – Oscar Wilde

The only thing we learn from history is that we do not learn. – Earl Warren

The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from history. – Hegel

The only thing which separates man from child is all the values he has lost over the years. – Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)

The only things that should be mouse-driven are cats. – Tom Wolfe

The only time a dog gets complimented is when he doesn’t do anything. – Charles Schultz

The only way to keep you health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. – Mark Twain

The only winning move is not to play.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. – Niels Bohr

The opposite of talking isn’t listening. The opposite of talking is waiting. – Fran Lebowitz, ‘Social Studies’

The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist knows it. – J Robert Oppenheimer, ‘Bulletin of Atomic Scientists’

The optimum committee has no members. – Norman Augustine

The other queue always moves faster.

The overall impression from the British and the Germans is that they love France itself, but would rather the French did not live there. – Paris Chamber of Commerce

The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke English, so each couldn’t understand a word the other spoke. He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a coach. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and to this day has never be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.

The painful warrior famoused for fight,
After a thousand victories, once foil’d,
Is from the books of honour razed quite,
And all the rest forgot for which he toil’d.

– William Shakespeare

The past always looks better than it was. It’s only pleasant because it isn’t here. – Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)

The past is our Present to the Future. – on pavement in Grainger Town, Newcastle

The path of sorrow, and that path alone,
Leads to the land where sorrow is unknown.

– Cowper

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence. – H L Mencken

The people sensible enough to give good advice are usually sensible enough to give none.

The people who matter don’t mind and the people who mind don’t matter.

The perfect man is the true partner. Not a bed partner nor a fun partner, but a man who will shoulder burdens equally with [you] and possess that quality of joy. – Erica Jong

The perimeter of the earth is about 3,000,000 stadia and not greater. – Archimedes, inventor of the lever and fluid displacement, 287-212 BC. (1 stadia equals 185 metres)

The person who buries his head in the sand offers an engaging target.

The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.

The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere, bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.

The phone will not ring until you leave your desk and walk to the other end of the building.

The pills to be taken with meals will be the least appetising ones.

The point about zero is that we do not need to use it in the operations of daily life. No one goes out to buy zero fish. It is in a way the most civilised of all the cardinals, and its use is only forced on us by the needs of cultivated modes of thought. – Alfred North Whitehead

The poor do not need our sympathy and pity. They need our love and compassion. – Mother Teresa of Calcutta

The price of greatness is responsibility. – Winston Churchill

The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday they might force their beliefs on us. – Mario Cuomo

The privileged being which we call human is distinguished from other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in charity we can only call ‘inhuman.’ – R A Lafferty

The probability of a cat eating its dinner has absolutely nothing to do with the price of the food placed before it.

The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.

The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

The probability of someone watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

The probability that a household pet will raise a fuss to go in or out is directly proportional to the number and importance of your dinner guests.

The problem that has no name – which is simply the fact that American women are kept from growing to their full human capacities – is taking a far greater toll on the physical and mental health of our country than any known disease. – Betty Friedan

The problem with me is that I am fifty or one hundred years ahead of my time. My speed is very fast. Some ministers have had to drop out of my government because they could not keep up. – Idi Amin Dada

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they’re going to have some pretty annoying virtues. – Elizabeth Taylor

The problem with the French is that they have no word for entrepreneur. – George W Bush

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The proof of the pudding is in the eating. – Miguel de Cervantes

The quarrels of popes and kings, with wars and pestilences in every page; the men all so good for nothing, and hardly any women at all – it is very tiresome. – Jane Austen

The quietly pacifist peaceful
always die
to make room for men
who shout.

– Alice Walker

The rain it raineth on the just
And also on the unjust fella:
But chiefly on the just, because
The unjust steals the just’s umbrella.

– Lord Bowen

The rank and file are not philosophers, they are not educated to think for themselves, but simply to accept, unquestioned, whatever comes. – Susan B Anthony

The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking. – Christopher Morley

The real reason psychology is hard is that psychologists are trying to do the impossible.

The reason computer chips are so small is computers don’t eat much.

The reason we come up with new versions is not to fix bugs. It’s absolutely not. – Bill Gates

The reason why so few marriages are happy is because young ladies spend their time in making nets, not in making cages. – Swift

The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.

The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man. – George Bernard Shaw

The relative majesty of buildings depends more on the weight and vigour of their masses than any other tribute of their design. – John Ruskin, ‘The Seven Lamps of Architecture’, 1849

The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.

The reverse side also has a reverse side - Japanese proverb

The reward for working hard is more hard work.

The reward of a thing well done is to have done it. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.

The right to revolt has sources deep in our history. – Supreme Court Justice William O Douglas

The rights and interests of the labouring man will be protected and cared for not by our labour agitators, but by the Christian men to whom God in his infinite wisdom has given control of property interests of the country, and upon the successful management of which so much remains. – George F Baer, railroad industrialist

The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights you have and what rights you have not got. – J Parnell Thomas

The ripest fruit falls first. – William Shakespeare, ‘Richard II’

The road to Hades is easy to travel. – Bion

The road to hell is paved with good intentions. – Samuel Johnson

The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And littered with sloppy analysis!

The road to ruin is always in good repair, and the travellers pay the expense of it. – Josh Billings

The role of the artist is to deepen the mystery. – Albert Einstein

The root of all superstition is that men observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses. – Francis Bacon

The rotten egg will be the one you break into the cake batter.

The rules are rather simple to understand: Under democracy you can defend any view, but only defend it. You can not try to realise it through power, violence or weapons. – Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)

The sad truth is that most evil is done by people who never make up their minds to be either good or evil. – Hannah Arendt

The scratch on the record is always through the song you like most.

The secret of contentment is knowing how to enjoy what you have. – Elizabeth, HM Queen Mother

The secret of education is respecting the pupil. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

The secret of making ones self tiresome is not to know when to stop. – Voltaire

The seven deadly sins… Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven milestones from man’s neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the milestones are lifted. – George Bernard Shaw

The severity of an itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends. – Marcus Tullius Cicero

The shortest distance between two points is under construction. – Noelie Alito

The simpler the instruction, e.g. ‘press here’, the more difficult it will be to open the package.

The sins of the fathers are often visited upon the sons-in-law.

The six great gifts of an Irish girl are beauty, soft voice, sweet speech, wisdom, needlework, and chastity. – Theodore Roosevelt, 1907

The six steps of management are:
(1) Wild enthusiasm
(2) Disenchantment
(3) Total confusion
(4) Search for guilty
(5) Punishment for the innocent
(6) Promotion of the non-participants

The slowest checker is always at the quick-check-out lane.

The smallest worm will turn being trodden on. – William Shakespeare, ‘Henry VI’

The smiling Spring comes in rejoicing,
And surly Winter grimly flies.
Now crystal clear are the falling waters,
And bonnie blue are the sunny skies.
Fresh o’er the mountains breaks forth the morning,
The ev’ning gilds the oceans’s swell:
All creatures joy in the sun’s returning,
And I rejoice in my bonnie Bell.

The flowery Spring leads sunny Summer,
The yellow Autumn presses near;
Then in his turn come gloomy Winter,
Till smiling Spring again appear.
Thus seasons dancing, life advancing,
Old Time and Nature their changes tell;
But never ranging, still unchanging,
I adore my bonnie Bell.

– Robert Burns, ‘My Bonnie Bell’

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up. – Ogden’s Law

The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.

The souls of emperors and cobblers are cast in the same mould… The same reason that makes us wrangle with a neighbour causes a war betwixt princes. – Michel Montaigne

The specialist learns more and more about less and less until, finally, he knows everything about nothing; while the generalist learns less and less about more and more until, finally, he knows nothing about everything.

The spot you are scrubbing on glassware is always on the other side.

The square is to us what the cross was to the early Christians. – van Doesburg, an abstract painter associated with Dutch ‘De Stijl’ movement, also having curious views.

The starry heavens above me and the moral law within me. – Immanuel Kant

The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin. – Alexandre Arnoux, ‘Etudes et caprices’

The stomach expands to accommodate the amount of junk food available.

The strong individual loves the earth so much he lusts for recurrence. He can smile in the face of the most terrible thought: meaningless, aimless existance recurring eternally. The second characteristic of such a man is that he has the strength to recognise – and to live with the recognition – that the world is valueless in itself and that all values are human ones. He creates himself by fashoning his own values; he has the pride to live by the values he wills. – Nietzsche

The success of any venture will be helped by prayer, even in the wrong denomination.

The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing. – Mr. Cole’s Axiom

The sun goes down just when you need it the most.

The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness. – Ursula K Le Guin, ‘The Dispossessed’

The superfluous is very necessary. – Voltaire

The superior man understands what is right;
the inferior man understands what will sell. – Confucius

The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling their way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from the other, whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to ascribe to the other side a consistency, foresight and coherence that its own experience belies. Of course, even two blind men can do enormous damage to each other, not to speak of the room. – Henry Kissinger

The surest protection against temptation is cowardice. – Mark Twain

The surest test if a person be sane, is if she accepts life whole, as it is. – Lao Tzu

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently. – Nietzsche

The swinish luxury of the rich. – William Morris

The technician should never forget that he is an artist, the artist never that he is a technician. – Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)

The tendency of smoke from a cigarette, barbecue, camp fire, etc. to drift into a person’s face varies directly with that person’s sensitivity to smoke.

The test for whether or not you can hold a job should not be the arrangement of your chromosomes. – Abzug, Bella

The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function. – F Scott Fitzgerald

The things that interest people most are usually none of their business.

The thoughtless are rarely wordless. – Howard W Newton

The time is probably near when a new system of architectural laws will be developed, adapted entirely to metallic construction. – John Ruskin, who normally preferred wood, stone or brick, ‘The Seven Lamps of Architecture’

The time is right to make new friends.

The time it takes to rectify a situation is inversely proportional to the time it took to do the damage.

The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved. – C N Parkinson

The time was the 19th of May, 1780. The place was Hartford, Connecticut. The day has gone down in New England history as a terrible foretaste of Judgement Day. For at noon the skies turned from blue to grey and by mid-afternoon had blackened over so densely that, in that religious age, men fell on their knees and begged a final blessing before the end came. The Connecticut House of Representatives was in session. And, as some of the men fell down and others clamoured for an immediate adjournment, the Speaker of the House, one Col. Davenport, came to his feet. He silenced them and said these words: ‘The day of judgement is either approaching or it is not. If it is not, there is no cause for adjournment. If it is, I choose to be found doing my duty. I wish therefore that candles may be brought.’ – Alistair Cooke

The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless. – Hosea Ballou

The trouble with a kitten is that
When it grows up, it’s always a cat

– Ogden Nash

The trouble with a lot of self-made men is that they worship their creator.

The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it. – Franklin P Jones

The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing more important to do.

The trouble with children is that they are not returnable. – Quentin Crisp

The trouble with computers is that they do what you tell them, not what you want. – D Cohen

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

The trouble with most of us is that we stop trying in trying times. – Denis Waitley, 1985

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him. – Cher

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat. – Lily Tomlin

The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool all of the people all of the time. – Franklin Adams

The truth about a man lies first and foremost in what he hides. – Andre Malraux

The truth is more important than the facts. – Frank Lloyd Wright

The truth is rarely pure, and never simple. – Oscar Wilde

The two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity. – Harlan Ellison

The two virtues most needed in modern life [are] honesty and simplicity. – William Morris

The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation. – Oscar Wilde

The universe is laughing behind your back.

The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination – but the combination is locked up in the safe. – Peter DeVries

The universe is ruled by letting things take their course. It cannot be ruled by interfering. – Chinese proverb

The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent. – Sagan

The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money. – Benjamin Franklin

The usefulness of any meeting is in inverse proportion to the attendance.

The very first essential for success is a perpetually constant and regular employment of violence. – Adolph Hitler, ‘Mein Kampf’

The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice. – Mark Twain

The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their views… which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering. – Doctor Who, ‘Face of Evil’

The very spring and root of honesty and virtue lie in the felicity of lighting on good education. – Plutarch

The victory of ideology and arrogance over humanity and common sense. – Charles, Prince of Wales, commenting on ‘comprehensive development’ in architecture

The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the number of times you have looked at it. – Speer’s 1st Law of Proofreading

The volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases. – Jerry Brown

The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood. – Alexander Haig

The watch-dog’s voice that bay’d the whispering wind,
And the loud laugh that spoke the vacant mind.

– Goldsmith

The water was not fit to drink. To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey. By diligent effort, I learned to like it. – Winston Churchill

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks. – Emo Philips

The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones. – Nathaniel Howe

The weariest and most loathed worldly life
That age, ache, penury, and imprisonment
Can lay on nature, is a paradise
To what we fear of death.

– William Shakespeare

The whispers of peace are growing louder.

The whole point of getting things done is knowing what to leave undone. – Lady Stella Reading

The whole world is about three drinks behind. – Humphrey Bogart

The winds and waves are always on the side of the ablest navigators. – Edward Gibbon

The wise man seeks everything in himself; the ignorant man tries to get everything from somebody else.

The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.

The world’s great men have not commonly been great scholars, nor its great scholars great men. – Oliver Wendell Holmes

The world is a comedy to those who think, and a tragedy to those who feel. – Horace Walpole

The world is full of people who have never, since childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind. – E B White

The world is governed by opinion. – Thomas Hobbes

The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says it can’t be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it. – Elbert Hubbard

The world is my country, science my religion. – Christiaan Huygens

The world is too much with us; late and soon,
Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers:
Little we see in Nature that is ours.

– Wordsworth

The worst cliques are those which consist of one man. – George Bernard Shaw

The worst food a man can eat is wedding cake.

The worst is enemy of the bad.

The worst is not so long as we can say ‘This is the worst’ – King Lear

The worst part of having success is trying to find someone who is happy for you. – Bette Midler

The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them; that’s the essence of inhumanity. – George Bernard Shaw

The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they are sober. – William Butler Yeats

The worst vice of the fanatic is his sincerity. – Oscar Wilde

The young want to change the world. The old want to change the young.

Their barbarism will stand as their shame for all eternity. – Tony Blair, following destruction by terrorists of NY World Trade Centre, 2001

Then gently scan your brother man,
Still gentler sister woman;
Though they may gang a kennin’ wrang,
To step aside is human.

– Burns

Then there was LSD, which was supposed to make you think you could fly. I remember it made you think you couldn’t stand up, and mostly it was right. – P J O’Rourke

Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by men who do not understand it. The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner. – Elbert Hubbard

Theory is gray, but the golden tree of life is green. – Goethe

There’s a divinity that shapes our ends,
Rough-hew them how we will. – William Shakespeare

There’s a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it’s not a fence.

There’s a lesson that I need to remember
When everything is falling apart
In life, just like in loving
There’s such a thing as trying too hard.

– Kathy Mattea

There’s a lot of anti-Semitism, and it’s not just against the Jewish. – Cate Blanchett, actress

There’s a lot to be said for not saying a lot.

There’s a special providence in the fall of a sparrow. If it be now, ’t is not to come; if it be not to come, it will be now; if it be not now, yet it will come: the readiness is all. – William Shakespeare

There’s a trick to the Graceful Exit. It begins with the vision to recognise when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over – and to let go. It means leaving what’s over without denying its validity or its past importance in our lives. It involves a sense of future, a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving on, rather than out. The trick of retiring well may be the trick of living well. It’s hard to recognise that life isn’t a holding action, but a process. It’s hard to learn that we don’t leave the best parts of ourselves behind, back in the dugout or the office. We own what we learned back there. The experiences and the growth are grafted onto our lives. And when we exit, we can take ourselves along – quite gracefully. – Ellen Goodman

There’s a whole WORLD in a mud puddle. – Doug Clifford

There’s always free cheese in a mouse trap

There’s an interesting new novel about two ex-convicts. One of them studies to become a lawyer, and the other decides to go straight.

There’s an old Christian saying about miracles For those who believe, no explanation is necessary; for those who don’t believe, no explanation is possible.

There’s beggary in the love that can be reckon’d. – William Shakespeare

There’s no art
To find the mind’s construction in the face.

– William Shakespeare

There’s no easy quick way out, we’re gonna have to live through our whole lives, win, lose, or draw. – Walt Kelly

There’s no future in time travel

There’s no heavier burden than a great potential.

There’s no point in being grown up if you can’t be childish sometimes. – Dr. Who

There’s no real need to do housework – after four years it doesn’t get any worse.

There’s no saint like a reformed sinner.

There’s no sense in being precise when you don’t even know what you’re talking about. – John von Neumann

There’s no such thing as a free lunch. – Milton Friendman

There’s no such thing as an original sin. – Elvis Costello

There’s no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it.

There’s no time like the pleasant.

There’s no use in having a dog and doing your own barking.

There’s nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself. – J S Bach

There’s nothing very mysterious about you, except that nobody really knows your origin, purpose, or destination.

There’s nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won’t aggravate.

There’s nought, no doubt, so much the spirit calms, as rum and true religion. – Byron

There’s one consolation about matrimony. When you look around you can always see somebody who did worse. – Warren H Goldsmith

There’s one fool at least in every married couple.

There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again. – Clint Eastwood

There’s small choice in rotten apples. – William Shakespeare, ‘The Taming of the Shrew’

There’s something the technicians need to learn from the artists. If it isn’t aesthetically pleasing, it’s probably wrong.

There’s too much beauty upon this earth for lonely men to bear. – Richard Le Gallienne

There are a lot of lies going around…. and half of them are true. – Winston Churchill

There are bad times just around the corner,
There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky
And it’s no good whining
About a silver lining
For we know from experience that they won’t roll by…

– Noel Coward

There are but two truths in the world – the Bible and Greek architecture. – Nicholas Biddle, American statesman, writer, banker and influence in American Greek Revival architecture

There are few people more often in the wrong
than those who cannot endure to be thought so.

There are few virtues that the Poles do not possess – and there are few mistakes they have ever avoided. – Winston Churchill, Parliament, August, 1945

There are many scapegoats for our blunders, but the most popular one is Providence. – Mark Twain

There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing. – Eugene Ionesco

There are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of… in either.

There are more things in heaven and earth,
Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.

– Hamlet

There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Saturday. – ‘Hanson’s Treatment of Time’

There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe. – Baba Ram Dass

There are no great men, only great challenges that ordinary men are forced by circumstances to meet. – Admiral William Halsey

There are no manifestos like cannon and musketry. – The Duke of Wellington

There are no short cuts to any place worth going.

There are no winners in life, only survivors.

There are one hundred men seeking security to one able man who is willing to risk his fortune. – J Paul Getty, 1961

There are only two kinds of men - the dead and the deadly. – Helen Rowland

There are people so addicted to exaggeration that they can’t tell the truth without lying. – Josh Billings

There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life is the process of discovering them over and over and over. – David Nichols

There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics. – Benjamin Disraeli

There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and engineers. While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far the more certain. – Baron Rothschild, 1800

There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the world should know; the third is that you can’t think what to do with the long winter evenings. – Quentin Crisp

There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. – Maugham

There are three sorts of lawyers:able, unable and lamentable. – Robert Smith Surtees

There are three things I always forget. Names, faces – the third I can’t remember. – Italo Svevo

There are three things I have always loved and never understood – art, music, and women.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

There are too many people in the world who are willing to put their oars in, but not willing to row.

There are two kinds of adhesive tape: That which won’t stay on and that which won’t come off.

There are two things that remain infinite: the universe and Man’s stupidity - and I’m not sure about the universe. - Albert Einstein

There are two kinds of fool. One says, ‘This is old, and therefore good.’ And one says ‘This is new, and therefore better - John Brunner, ‘The Shockwave Rider’

There are two kinds of fools – those who never climb Mt. Fuji, and those who climb it twice. – old Japanese proverb

There are two kinds of lawyers, those that know the law and those that know the judge.

There are two kinds of pedestrians… the quick and the dead. – Lord Thomas Rober Dewar

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who divide people into two kinds, and those who don’t.

There are two problems with a major hangover. You feel like you are going to die and you’re afraid that you won’t.

There are two sentences inscribed upon the Delphic oracle, hugely accommodated to the usages of man’s life: ‘Know thyself,’ and ‘Nothing too much;’ and upon these all other precepts depend. – Plutarch

There are two things I dislike in a person - Absentmindedness and... I can’t remember the other one.

There are two things on Earth that are universal: hydrogen and stupidity.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. – Woody Allen

There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who don’t. – Barth’s Distinction

There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to make is so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. – C A R Hoare

There are two ways of disliking art. One is to dislike it. The other is to like it rationally. – Oscar Wilde

There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope. – Oscar Wilde

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman. – Woody Allen

There but for the grace of God, goes God. – Winston Churchill, speaking of Sir Stafford Cripps.

There can be no daily democracy without daily citizenship. – Ralph Nader

There can be no faith without risk. - Soren Kierkegaard

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. – Henry Kissinger

There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation. – W C Fields

There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange. – Thomas W Lamont, October 29, 1929

There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.

There is a certain frame of mind to which a cemetary is, if not an antidote, at least an alleviation. If you are in a fit of the blues, go nowhere else. – Robert Louis Stevenson, ‘Immortelles’

There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an opinion. – Anatole France

There is a pleasure in the pathless woods;
There is a rapture on the lonely shore;
There is society, where none intrudes,
By the deep sea, and music in its roar:
I love not man the less, but Nature more.

– Byron

There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavour, Honesty, Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and love of the Fatherland. – Adolf Hitler

There is a sobbing of the strong,
And a pall upon the land;
But the People in their weeping
Bare the iron hand:
Beware the people weeping
When they bare the iron hand.

– Herman Melville, ‘The Martyr’, following assassination of Abraham Lincoln

There is a solution to every problem; the only difficulty is finding it.

There is a time for some things, and a time for all things; a time for great things, and a time for small things… But all in good time. – Miguel de Cervantes

There is a time in the tides of men,
Which, taken at its flood, leads on to success.
On the other hand, don’t count on it.

– T K Lawson

There is a woman at the beginning of all great things. – Alphonse de Lamartine,

There is always an easier way to do it. When looking directly at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see it.

There is always more dirty laundry then clean laundry.

There is always room for a man of force, and he makes room for many.

There is always someone worse off than yourself.

There is always something new out of Africa. – Gaius Plinius Secundus

There is an ancient saying, famous among men, that thou shouldst not judge fully of a man’s life before he dieth, whether it should be called blest or wretched. – Sophocles

There is an innocence in admiration; it is found in those to whom it has not yet occurred that they, too, might be admired some day. – Friedrich Nietzsche

There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers, having been originally breathed into a few forms or into one; and that, whilst this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of gravity, from so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved. – Darwin

There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum. – Arthur C Clarke

There is more ado to interpret interpretations than to interpret the things, and more books upon books than upon all other subjects; we do nothing but comment upon one another. – Michel Montaigne

There is more simplicity in a man who eats caviare on impulse than in a man who eats grape nuts on principle. – Gilbert K Chesterton

There is more to life than increasing its speed. – Mahatma Gandhi

There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.

There is no God.
But it does not matter.
Man is enough.

– Edna St. Vincent Millay (presumably, she now has contrary evidence – Ed.)

There is no TRUTH. There is no REALITY. There is no CONSISTENCY. There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS. I’m very probably wrong.

There is no action so slight, nor so mean, but it may be done to great purpose, and enabled. – John Ruskin, ‘The Seven Lamps of Architecture’, 1849

There is no better ballast for keeping the mind steady on its keel, and saving it from all risk of crankiness, than business. – Lowell

There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law. No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth. – Jean Giraudoux, ‘Tiger at the Gates’

There is no comfort without pain; thus we define salvation through suffering. – Cato

There is no debt with so much prejudice put off as that of justice. – Plutarch

There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. – Mark Twain

There is no evidence that suggests women are naturally better at caring for children… with the fact of child-bearing out of the centre of attention, there is even more reason for treating girls first as human beings, then as women. – Margaret Mead

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.

There is no fool to the old fool. – John Heywood

There is no good in arguing with the inevitable. The only argument available with an east wind is to put on your overcoat. – Lowell

There is no great genius without a tincture of madness. – Seneca

There is no grief which time does not lessen and soften.

There is no heavier burden than a great potential.

There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom. – Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923

There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn’t get any worse. – Quentin Crisp

There is no ox so dumb as the orthodox. – George Francis Gillette

There is no proverb that is not true. – Miguel de Cervantes

There is no realisable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards – only physics and war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five, of course. – Encyclopedia Apocryphia, 1990 ed.

There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home. – Ken Olson, President of DEC, World Future Society Convention, 1977

There is no royal road to geometry. – Euclid

There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist. – Mark Twain

There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it – George Bernard Shaw

There is no security on this earth. There is only opportunity. – General Douglas MacArthur

There is no sense of place. One feels disembodied. Is it night? Or day? Spring? Or Winter? And where are you? You cannot see out. You cannot tell what city you are in, or whether it is in the east or west or even a foreign country. Piped music gives no clue. You are in a universally controlled environment. And it is a deadly bore. – William H Whyte, on ‘out of town’ shopping centres

There is no sin but ignorance. – Christopher Marlowe

There is no sincerer love than the love of food. – George Bernard Shaw

There is no substitute for good manners except fast reflexes.

There is no such thing as a ‘hard sell’ or a ‘soft sell’. There is only a ‘smart sell’ or a ‘stupid sell’.Never underestimate the power of the irate customer. – Joel E Ross and Michael J Kami, 1973

There is no such thing as a free lunch.

There is no such thing as an ugly woman - there are only the ones who do not know how to make themselves attractive. – Christian Dior

There is no such thing as security. There never has been. – Germaine Greer

There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.

There is no vice so simple but assumes
Some mark of virtue in his outward parts.

– William Shakespeare

There is none so blind as they that won’t see. – Swift

There is not opinion so absurd that some philosopher will not express it – Marcus Tullius Cicero, ‘Ad familiares’

There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result. – Winston Churchill

There is nothing more frightening than ignorance in action.

There is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. – Gaius Valerius Catullus

There is nothing new except what has been forgotten. – Marie Antoinette

There is nothing new in art except talent. – Anton Chekhov

‘There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine,’ said a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat. ‘And yet just a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with an unanswerable question,’ said Nasrudin. ‘I could have answered it if I had been there.’ ‘Very well. He asked, ‘Why are you breaking into my house in the middle of the night?’’

There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation.

There is one difference between a tax collector and a taxidermist – the taxidermist leaves the hide. – Mortimer Caplan

There is one safeguard known generally to the wise, which is an advantage and security to all, but especially to democracies as against despots. What is it? Distrust. – Demosthenes

There is one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says ‘Yes’ you know he is crooked. – Groucho Marx

There is only one difference between a long life and a good dinner: that, in the dinner, the sweets come last. – Robert Louis Stevenson, from ‘Will o’ the Mill’

There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved. – George Sand

There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about. – Oscar Wilde

There is only one way to kill capitalism – by taxes, taxes, and more taxes. – Karl Marx

There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings, and that word is blackmail. – Colm Brogan

There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. – Mark Twain

There is something in the pang of change
More than the heart can bear,
Unhappiness remembering happiness.

– Euripides

There is, nevertheless, a certain respect and a general duty of humanity that ties us, not only to beasts that have life and sense, but even to trees and plants. – Michel Montaigne

There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those who do not. – Robert Benchley

There must be more to life than having everything. – Maurice Sendak

There never was a good war or a bad peace. – Benjamin Franklin

There once was a girl named Irene
Who lived on distilled kerosene
But she started absorbin’
A new hydrocarbon
And since then has never benzene.

There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished in his heart that the son ould be wise and compassionate. One day he said to the prince:
‘If you promised that you would give a certain women anything, even half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend, what would your decision be, my son?’
The young prince thought for a moment and then said, ‘I would tell her that the life of my best friend did not lie in the half of the kingdom that I had promised.’
The king knew that his son would be a great king.

There once was an old man from Esser,
Who’s knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
It at last grew so small,
He knew nothing at all,
And now he’s a College Professor.

There should be no features about a building which are not necessary for convenience, construction or propriety…. The smallest detail should…. serve a purpose, and construction itself should vary the material employed. – Pugin, ‘The True Principles of Pointed or Christian Architecture’, 1841

There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it. – C S Lewis, ‘The Chronicles of Narnia’

There was a young poet named Dan,
Whose poetry never would scan.
When told this was so,
He said, ‘Yes, I know.
It’s because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can.’

There was an old Indian belief that by making love on the hide of their favourite animal, one could guarantee the health and prosperity of the offspring conceived thereupon. And so it goes that one Indian couple made love on a buffalo hide. Nine months later, they were blessed with a healthy baby son. Yet another couple huddled together on the hide of a deer and they too were blessed with a very healthy baby son. But a third couple, whose favourite animal was a hippopotamus, were blessed with not one, but TWO very healthy baby sons at the conclusion of the nine month interval. All of which proves the old theorem that: The sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

There were the Scots
Who kept the Sabbath
And everything else they could lay their hands on.
Then there were the Welsh
Who prayed on their knees and their neighbours.
Thirdly there were the Irish
Who never knew what they wanted
But were willing to fight for it anyway.
Lastly there were the English
Who considered themselves a self-made nation
Thus relieving the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility.

Therefore it is necessary to learn how not to be good, and to use this knowledge and not use it, according to the necessity of the cause. – Machiavelli

They’re unfriendly, which is fortunate, really. They’d be difficult to like. – Avon

They [formulae 1.10 - 1.12 of Ramanujan] must be true because, if they were not true, no one would have had the imagination to invent them. - G. H. Hardy. In: Newman, p. 373

They also serve who only stand and wait. – John Milton

They are as sick that surfeit with too much, as they that starve with nothing. – William Shakespeare

They are ill discoverers that think there is no land, when they can see nothing but sea. – Francis Bacon

They are slaves who fear to speak
For the fallen and the weak…
They are slaves who dare not be
In the right with two or three.

– Lowell

They can expect nothing but their labour for their pains. – Miguel de Cervantes

They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown. – Carl Sagan

They make a desert and call it peace. – Tacitus (55 -120)

They never taste who always drink;
They always talk who never think.

– Matthew Prior

They spell it ‘da Vinci’ and pronounce it ‘da Vinchy’. Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce. – Mark Twain

They talk most who have the least to say. – Prior, Matthew

They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety. – Benjamin Franklin, 1759

They told me I was gullible… and I believed them!

There will come soft rains and the smell of the ground,
And swallows circling with their shimmering sound;
And frogs in the pool singing at night,
And wild plum trees in tremulous white;
Robins will wear their feathery fire,
Whistling their whims on a low fence-wire;
And not one will know of the war, not one
Will care at last when it is done.
Not one would mind, neither bird nor tree,
If mankind perished utterly;
And Spring herself when she woke at dawn
Would scarcely know that we were gone.
— Sara Teasdale

They will only cause the lower classes to move about needlessly. – The Duke of Wellington, on early steam railways.

Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become their property so that they may more perfectly respect it. – Gilbert K Chesterton, ‘The Man Who Was Thursday’

Things are more like they are today than they ever were before. – Dwight Eisenhower

Things are not always what they seem. – Phaedrus

Things were never more like they used to be than they are now.

Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them. – Will Rogers

Think not that thy word and thine alone must be right. – Sophocles

Think what it is to see a poem lived – Georgiana Burne-Jones, on Pre-Raphaelite painting

Thinking you know something is a sure way to blind yourself. – Frank Herbert, ‘Chapterhouse: Dune’

Thinks’t thou existence doth depend on time?
It doth; but actions are our epochs; mine
Have made my days and nights imperishable,
Endless, and all alike, as sands on the shore,
Innumerable atoms; and one desert,
Barren and cold, on which the wild waves break,
But nothing rests, save carcasses and wrecks,
Rocks, and the salt-surf weeds of bitterness.

Thirteen at a table is unlucky only when the hostess has only twelve chops. – Groucho Marx

This ae nighte, this ae nighte,
Everye nighte and alle,
Fire and sleet and candlelyte,
And Christe receive thy saule.

– The Lykewake Dirge

This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel. (If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach? – on door of the MSU music building

This gate hangs well
And hinders none
Refresh & pay
And travel on

– sign at the Bones Gate Inn, Chessington

This generation doesn’t have emotional baggage. We have emotional moving vans. – Bruce Feirstein

This is a country where people are free to practice their religion, regardless of race, creed, colour, obesity, or number of dangling keys...

This is a great day for France! – Richard Nixon, while attending Charles de Gaulle’s funeral

This is a hell of a time for the pills to wear off.

This is not the age of pamphleteers. It is the age of the engineers. The spark-gap is mightier than the pen. Democracy will not be salvaged by men who talk fluently, debate forcefully and quote aptly. – Lancelot Hogben, Science for the Citizen, 1938

This is the first age that’s paid much attention to the future, which is a little ironic since we may not have one. – Arthur C Clarke

This is the sort of English up with which I will not put. – Winston Churchill, making a grammatically correct statement

This is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
And now you know why.

This is the way the world ends,
This is the way the world ends,
This is the way the world ends,
Not with a bang but with a whimper.

– T S Eliot, ‘The Hollow Men’

This isn’t right. This isn’t even wrong. – Wolfgang Pauli, on a colleague’s paper

This isn’t true in practice – what we’ve missed out is Stradivarius’s constant. And then the aside: ‘For those of you who don’t know, that’s been called by others the fiddle factor… – From a 1B Electrical Engineering lecture.

This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life, you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where to go.

This life is yours. Some of it was given to you; the rest, you made yourself.

This must be morning. I never could get the hang of mornings.

This night methinks is but the daylight sick. – William Shakespeare, ‘The Merchant of Venice’

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This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his mother’s side. I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry often have little else to sustain them. Humouring them costs nothing and adds happiness in a world in which happiness is always in short supply. – Lazarus Long

This war, like the next war, is the war to end all wars. – David Lloyd George

This was the most unkindest cut of all. – William Shakespeare, ‘Julius Caesar’

This will be a memorable month – no matter how hard you try to forget it.

This would be a better world for children if parents had to eat the spinach. – Groucho Marx

Those of you who think you know everything are annoying those of us who do.

Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those of us who do.

Those on the straight and narrow need never worry about what’s around the corner.

Those who are mentally and emotionally healthy are those who have learned when to say yes, when to say no and when to say whoopee. – W S Krabill

Those who believe in astrology are living in houses with foundations of Silly Putty. – Dennis Rawlins

Those who can’t write, write manuals.

Those who can – do.
Those who can’t – teach.

Martin’s Extension:
Those who cannot teach – administrate.

– H L Mencken’s Law

Those who can do, those who can’t, write.

Those who can, do. Those who can’t, simulate.

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. – George Santayana (1863 - 1952)

Those who dance are thought mad by those who hear not the music.

Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics. – French proverb

Those who do things in a noble spirit of self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs. – N Alexander.

Those who don’t study the past will repeat its errors. Those who do study it will find other ways to err.

Those who educate children well are more to be honoured than parents, for these only gave life, those the art of living well. – Aristotle

Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law. – Mark B Cohen

Those who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty Often have a share in their misfortunes. – Bertolt Brecht, ‘The Caucasian Chalk Circle’

Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the world is love. The poor know that it is money. – Gerald Brenan

Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.

Those who know ‘how’ will always have a job. Those who know ‘why’ will always be the boss.

Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable. – John F Kennedy

Those who profess to favour freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean without the roar of its many waters. – Frederick Douglass

Those who say they would write a book if only they had time will never become authors. – Dame Catherine Cookson

Those who talk don’t know. Those who don’t talk, know.

Those who tell you it’s tough at the top have never been at the bottom. – Joe Harvey, 1988

Those who want fewest things are nearest to the gods. – Diogenes Laertius

Those who wish to appear wise among fools, among the wise seem foolish. – Quintilian

Those whose approval you seek the most give you the least.

Those with the best advice offer no advice.

Thou hast seen nothing yet. – Miguel de Cervantes

Thou shalt not covet but tradition approves all forms of competition. – Arthur Hugh Clough, poet

Though the mills of God grind slowly, yet they grind exceeding small;
Though with patience he stands waiting, with exactness grinds he all.
— Longfellow’s translation of ‘Retribution’ by Friedrich Von Logau

Though this be madness, yet there is method in it. – William Shakespeare

Thought is the property of him who can entertain it, and of him who can adequately place it. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether – whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation… A fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any more about the matter than the others.

Three hours a day will produce as much as a man ought to write. – Trollope

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead. – Benjamin Franklin

Three minutes’ thought would suffice to find this out; but thought is irksome and three minutes is a long time. – A E Houseman

Three o’clock in the afternoon is always just a little too late or a little too early for anything you want to do. – Jean-Paul Sartre

Thus grief still treads upon the heels of pleasure;
Married in haste, we may repent at leisure.

– Congreve

Thus mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true. – Bertrand Russell

Thus we never live, but we hope to live; and always disposing ourselves to be happy, it is inevitable that we never become so. – Pascal

Tiger, tiger, burning bright
In the forest of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

In what distant deeps or skies
Burnt the fire of thine eyes?
On what wings dare he aspire?
What the hand dare seize the fire?

And what shoulder and what art
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And, when thy heart began to beat,
What dread hand and what dread feet?

What the hammer? what the chain?
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? what dread grasp
Dare its deadly terrors clasp?

When the stars threw down their spears,
And watered heaven with their tears,
Did he smile his work to see?
Did he who made the lamb make thee?

Tiger, tiger, burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?

– William Blake

Time and tide wait for no man.

Time as he grows old teaches all things. – Aeschylus

Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. – Hector Berlioz

Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.

Time is an illusion; lunch time, doubly so. – Ford Prefect, ‘The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy’

Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in. – Henry David Thoreau

Time is nature’s way of making sure that everything doesn’t happen at once.

Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend. – Theophrastus

Time ripens all things. No man is born wise. – Miguel de Cervantes

Time spent consuming a meal is in inverse proportion to time spent preparing it.

Time travels in divers paces with divers persons. I’ll tell you who Time ambles withal, who Time trots withal, who Time gallops withal, and who he stands still withal. – William Shakespeare

Time will explain it all. He is a talker, and needs no questioning before he speaks. – Euripides

Time wounds all heels – Groucho Marx

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles. – Frank Lloyd Wright

Tis all men’s office to speak patience
To those that wring under the load of sorrow,
But no man’s virtue nor sufficiency
To be so moral when he shall endure
The like himself.

– William Shakespeare

Tis an old maxim in the schools,
That flattery’s the food of fools;
Yet now and then your men of wit
Will condescend to take a bit.

– Swift

Tis man’s perdition to be safe, when for the truth he ought to die.

Tis more blessed to give than receive; for example, wedding presents. – H L Mencken

Tis the eye of childhood
That fears a painted devil.

– William Shakespeare

To YOU I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition. – Woody Allen

To accuse others for one’s own misfortunes is a sign of want of education. To accuse oneself shows that one’s education has begun. To accuse neither oneself nor others shows that one’s education is complete. – Epictetus

To add insult to injury. – Phaedrus

To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. – Elbert Hubbard

To be beautiful is enough! if a woman can do that well who should demand more from her? You don’t want a rose to sing. – Thackeray

To be conscious that you are ignorant is a great step to knowledge. – Benjamin Disraeli

To be excellent when engaged in administration is to be like the North Star. As it remains in its one position, all the other stars surround it. – Confucius

To be free is to have achieved your life. – Tennessee Williams

To be good is noble, but to show others how to be good is nobler, and no trouble. – Mark Twain

To be great is to be misunderstood. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

To be loved is very demoralising. – Katharine Hepburn

To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best to, night and day, to make you everybody else - means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting. – E E Cummings, ‘A Miscellany’

To be normal is to be boring.

To be or not to be. – William Shakespeare
To do is to be. – Nietzsche
To be is to do. – Sartre

To be popular I must be mediocre. – Oscar Wilde

To be successful, a woman has to be much better at her job than a man. – Golda Meir

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit, call it the target.

To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.

To be wise, the only thing you really need to know is when to say ‘I don’t know.’

To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether ’t is nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them?

– William Shakespeare

To begin at the beginning: It is a spring moonless night in the small town, starless and bible-black. – Dylan Thomas, ‘Under Milk Wood’

To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for you in your private heart is true for all men – that is genius. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

To communicate is the beginning of understanding. – AT&T

To criticise the incompetent is easy; it is more difficult to criticise the competent.

To do great and important tasks, two things are necessary:
A plan and not quite enough time.

To do nothing is to be nothing.

To do two things at once is to do neither. – Publilius Syrus

To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection. – H Poincare

To enjoy freedom we have to control ourselves. – Virginia Woolf

To err is human – to blame it on someone else is even more human.

To err is human - but usually a much better excuse is demanded.

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish. – Benjamin Franklin

To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to gain, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate;
A time of war, and a time of peace.

– Ecclesiastes 3:1-9

To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead. – Bertrand Russell

To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three men, two of them absent.

To get to sleep at night, I don’t count sheep – I talk to the shepherd.

To gild refined gold, to paint the lily,
To throw a perfume on the violet,
To smooth the ice, or add another hue
Unto the rainbow, or with taper-light
To seek the beauteous eye of heaven to garnish,
Is wasteful and ridiculous excess.

– William Shakespeare

To give happiness is to deserve happiness.

To give of yourself, you must first know yourself.

To have died once is enough. – Publilius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)

To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. – Thomas Edison

To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.

To jaw-jaw is better than to war-war. – Winston Churchill, on Korean War negotiations

To kalo to pallekari xerei ki allo monopati (The smart man knows another one way). – Greek proverb

To keep your friends treat them kindly;
to kill them, treat them often.

To kerke the narre from God more farre,
Has bene an old-sayd sawe;
And he that strives to touche a starre
Oft stombles at a strawe.

– Spenser

To know all things is not permitted. – Horace

To know much is often the cause of doubting more. – Michel Montaigne

To know that which before us lies in daily life
Is the prime wisdom.

– Milton

To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.

To lead people, you must follow behind. – Lao Tsze

To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know that even one life has breathed easier because you lived – that is to have succeeded. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

To listen to some devout people, one would imagine that God never laughs. – Sri Aurobindo

To live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else. – Emily Dickinson

To love another person is to see the face of God.

To love is good, love being difficult.

To make an enemy, do someone a favour.

To maken vertue of necessite. – Chaucer

To many, total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation. – St. Augustine

To me it seems our duty towards the Bible is to obey its teaching in faith. I do not think we are bound to understand or account for all its utterances. – Christina Rossetti

To our sweethearts and wives. May they never meet. – 19th century toast

To refuse praise is to seek praise twice.

To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour.

– William Blake

To see a need and wait to be asked, is to already refuse.

To sorrow I bade good-morrow,
And thought to leave her far away behind;
But cheerly, cheerly,
She loves me dearly;
She is so constant to me, and so kind.

– Keats

To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.

To stay young requires unceasing cultivation of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods. – Lazarus Long, ‘Time Enough For Love’

To teach is to learn twice. – Joseph Joubert

To teach is to learn.

To the Age its Art; to Art its freedom. – inscription on ‘Nouveau’ Secession building in Vienna by the architect J M Olbrich

To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world.

To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to do.

To use violence is to already be defeated. – Chinese proverb

To what fortuitous occurrence do we not owe every pleasure and convenience of our lives. – Goldsmith

To whom the mornings are like nights,
What must the midnights be. – Emily Dickinson

To write a sonnet you must ruthlessly
strip down your words to naked, willing flesh.
Then bind them to a metaphor or three,
and take by force a satisfying mesh.
Arrange them to your will, each foot in place.
You are the master here, and they the slaves.
Now whip them to maintain a constant pace
and rhythm as they stand in even staves.
A word that strikes no pleasure? Cast it out!
What use are words that drive not to the heart?
A lazy phrase? Discard it, shrug off doubt,
and choose more docile words to take its part.
A well-trained sonnet lives to entertain,
by making love directly to the brain.

Tobacco is a filthy weed,
That from the devil does proceed;
It drains your purse, it burns your clothes,
And makes a chimney of your nose.

– B Waterhouse

Today’s rebel is tomorrow’s tyrant. – Will and Ariel Durant

Today’s weirdness is tomorrow’s reason why. – H S Thompson

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

Today is the last day of the first part of your life.

Today is the last day of your life so far.

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.

Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past
but fortunately, it can still be changed today.

Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair. – George Burns

Too clever is dumb. – Ogden Nash

Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. They seem more afraid of life than death. – James F Byrnes

Too much is just enough. – Mark Twain, on whiskey

Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL. – Mae West

Too much of everything is just enough. – Bob Wier

Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases. – Governor Jerry Brown

Too often the great decisions are originated and given form in bodies made up wholly of men or so completely dominated by them that whatever of special value women have to offer is shunted aside without expression. – Eleanor Roosevelt

Total strangers need love, too; and I’m stranger than most.

Treat the earth well: it was not given to you by your parents, it was loaned to you by your children. We do not inherit the Earth from our ancestors, we borrow it from our children. – American Indian proverb

Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy. – Publilius Syrus

Trial balances don’t.

Trifles light as air
Are to the jealous confirmations strong
As proofs of holy writ. – William Shakespeare

Trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle. – Michelangelo

Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing.

True ease in writing comes from art, not chance,
As those move easiest who have learn’d to dance.
’Tis not enough no harshness gives offence, –
The sound must seem an echo to the sense.

– Alexander Pope

True leadership is the art of changing a group from what it is to what it ought to be. – Virginia Allan

True wit is Nature to advantage dress’d,
What oft was thought, but ne’er so well express’d.

– Alexander Pope

Trust in Allah, but tie your camel anyway. – Arabian proverb

Trust no future, howe’er pleasant!
Let the dead Past bury its dead!
Act, act in the living present!
Heart within, and God o’erhead!

– Longfellow

Trust that man in nothing who has not a conscience in everything. – Sterne

Truth Against The World: The truth to set against the woes of this world is joy – Frank Lloyd Wright, his family motto and interpretation

Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now – always. – Albert Schweitzer

Truth is hard to find and harder to obscure.

Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense.

Truth is the most valuable thing we have – so let us economise it. – Mark Twain

Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)

Try not to have a good time… This is supposed to be educational. – Charles Schulz

Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.

Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy.

Try to relax and enjoy the crisis. – Ashleigh Brilliant

Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you.

Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper is like trying to play Bach’s ‘St. Matthew Passion’ on a ukelele. – Bagdikian

Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only specification is that it should run noiselessly.

Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth. – Alan Watts

Trying to keep up with current slang sucks. – Keith Waterhouse

Turn the other cheek. – Jesus Christ

Twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never even had the decency to thank her. – R B Gossling

Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing. – Walt Kelly

Twenty two thousand days.
Twenty two thousand days.
It’s not a lot.
It’s all you’ve got.
Twenty two thousand days.

– Moody Blues, ‘Twenty Two Thousand Days’‘

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. – Mark Twain

Two Finns and a penguin are sitting on the front porch of a large house. The penguin is dripping in sweat; his owner looks down and says to the other Finn, ‘Hey Urho, I want that you should take the penguin to the zoo, okay?’ The owner then runs off to the sauna. When he gets out of the sauna, he looks up at the porch, and sure enough, there is Urho and the penguin, sweating away. So he yells out ‘Hey, Urho, I thought I told you to take the penguin to the zoo, I did.’ And Urho yells back ‘Yup, and tomorrow we’re going to the movies!’

Two Russian friends happen to meet in Red Square. One of them says, ‘By the way, did you hear that Romanov died?’ ‘No,’ replied the other, ‘I didn’t even know he’d been arrested!’

Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long. – Howard Kandel

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Two heads are better than none.

Two heads are better than one. – John Heywood

Two lawyers when a knotty case was o’er,
Shook hands, and were as friendly as before.
Said the client, Tell me how
You can be friends, who fought just now.
Thou fool! said one. We lawyers, though so keen,
Like shears, ne’er cut ourselves, but what’s between.

– Burl Ives

Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars.

Two peanuts were walking through the New York. One was assaulted.

Two people look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars.

Two probate lawyers were overheard while discussing a current case: It’s such a splendid estate. What a shame to squander it on the beneficiaries.

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three lefts do.

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three rights make a left.

Unbounded courage and compassion join’d,
Tempering each other in the victor’s mind,
Alternately proclaim him good and great,
And make the hero and the man complete.

– Addison

Uncle Ed’s Rule of Thumb: Never use your thumb for a rule. You’ll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it.

Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a just man is also in prison. – Henry David Thoreau

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite. – John Kenneth Galbraith

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it’s just the opposite. – J K Galbraith

Under every stone lurks a politician. – Aristophanes

Under the arch of Life, where love and death,
Terror and mystery, guard her shrine, I saw
Beauty enthroned; and though her gaze struck awe,
I drew it in as simply as my breath

– Dante Gabriel Rossetti

Under the wide an starry sky,
Dig my grave and let me lie,
Glad did I live and gladly die,
And laid me down with a will,
And this be the verse that you grave for me,
Here he lies where he longed to be,
Home is the sailor home from the sea,
And the hunter home from the hill.

– Rudyard Kipling

Understanding is always the understanding of a smaller problem in relation to a bigger problem. – P D Ouspensky

Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown. – William Shakespeare

Unhappy the land that needs heroes. – Bertolt Brecht

University, n.: Like a software house, except the software’s free, and it’s usable, and it works, and if it breaks they’ll quickly tell you how to fix it, and…

Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense. – E E Cummings

Unnamed Law: If it happens, it must be possible.

Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking, unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book. – Edward Gibbon

Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. – H L Mencken

Until Eve arrived, this was a man’s world. – Richard Amour

Up from the ashes grows the roses of success.

Upon returning home, the exchange rate drops again as soon as one has converted all unused foreign currency.

Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best. – Henry Van Dyke

Usefulness is inversely proportional to its reputation for being useful.

Vast strong was I, and yet did die
And in my grave asleep do lie
My grave is stoned all round about
Yet I hope the Lord will find me out

– 18C Sussex tombstone admired by Wilfrid Scawen Blunt

Veni, Vidi, Vici (I came, I saw, I conquered). – inscription for Julius Caesar’s victory in 47 BC at Pontius, now in modern Turkey

Vermouth always makes me brilliant unless it makes me idiotic. – E F Benson

Very few people can afford to be poor. – George Bernard Shaw

Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen at all. The conscientious historian will correct these defects. – Herodotus

Very late in life, when he was studying geometry, some one said to Lacydes, ‘Is it then a time for you to be learning now?’ ‘If it is not,’ he replied, ‘when will it be?’ – Diogenes Laertius

Vice is a monster of so frightful mien,
As to be hated needs but to be seen;
Yet seen too oft, familiar with her face,
We first endure, then pity, then embrace.

– Alexander Pope

Vicissitudes of fortune, which spares neither man nor the proudest of his works, which buries empires and cities in a common grave. – Gibbon

Vini, vidi, vici (I came, I saw, I conquered). – Gaius Julius Caesar

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. – Salvador Hardin

Virtue does not always demand a heavy sacrifice – only the willingness to make it when necessary. – Frederick Dunn

Virtue in the middle, said the Devil, as he sat down between two lawyers. – Danish proverb

Virtue is its own punishment. – Denniston

Virtue is its own revenge. – E Y Harburg

Virtue is not left to stand alone. He who practices it will have neighbours. – Confucius

Virtue would go far if vanity did not keep it company. – La Rochefoucauld

Virtuous and vicious every man must be,
Few in the extreme, but all in the degree.

– Alexander Pope

Visits always give pleasure: if not on arrival, then on the departure. – Edouard Le Berquier, ‘Pensees des Autres’

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you can’t find them.

Vote: The only commodity that is peddleable without a license. – Mark Twain

Wad some power the giftie gie us To see oursels as others see us. – R Browning

Wagner’s music is better than it sounds. – Mark Twain

Wait for that wisest of all counsellors, Time. – Pericles

Waiter: ‘Tea or coffee, gentlemen?’
1st customer: ‘I’ll have tea.’
2nd customer: ‘Me, too – and be sure the glass is clean!’
(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: ‘Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?’

Walk softly and carry a big stick. – Theodore Roosevelt

Walking is also an ambulation of mind.

Walter Mondale: ‘George Bush doesn’t have the manhood to apologise.’
George Bush: ‘Well, on the manhood thing, I’ll put mine up against his any time.’

War doesn’t prove who’s right, just who’s left.

War hath no fury like a non-combatant. – Charles Edward Montague

War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it. – Desiderius Erasmus

War is like love, it always finds a way. – Bertolt Brecht, ‘Mother Courage’

War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military. – Clemenceau

War is not healthy for children and other living things.

War loves to seek its victims in the young. – Sophocles

War spares not the brave, but the cowardly. – Anacreon

Was there a time when dancers with their fiddles
In children’s circuses could stay their troubles?
There was a time they could cry over books,
But time has set its maggot on their track.
Under the arc of the sky they are unsafe.
What’s never known is safest in this life.
Under the skysigns they who have no arms
Have cleanest hands, and, as the heartless ghost
Alone’s unhurt, so the blind man sees best.

– Dylan Thomas, ‘Was There A Time’

Was this the face that launch’d a thousand ships,
And burnt the topless towers of Ilium?
Sweet Helen, make me immortal with a kiss!

– Marlowe

Washing your car to make it rain doesn’t work.

Waste not fresh tears over old griefs. – Euripides

Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody. – Mark Twain

Watson’s Law: The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the number and significance of any persons watching it.

We’ll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later.

We’ll cross that bridge when we come back to it later.

We’ll get along fine as soon as you realise I’m God.

We’re all in this alone. – Lily Tomlin

We’re constantly being bombarded by insulting and humiliating music, which people are making for you the way they make those Wonder Bread products. Just as food can be bad for your system, music can be bad for your spiritual and emotional feelings. It might taste good or clever, but in the long run, it’s not going to do anything for you. – Bob Dylan, ‘LA Times’, September 5, 1984

We’re going to have the best-educated American people in the world. – Dan Quayle

We’re living in a golden age. All you need is gold. – D W Robertson.

We’re mortal – which is to say, we’re ignorant, stupid, and sinful – but those are only handicaps. Our pride is that nevertheless, now and then, we do our best. A few times we succeed. What more dare we ask for. – Ensign Flandry

‘We’re not talking about the same thing,’ he said. ‘For you the world is weird because if you’re not bored with it you’re at odds with it. For me the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious, unfathomable; my interest has been to convince you that you must accept responsibility for being here, in this marvellous world, in this marvellous desert, in this marvellous time. I wanted to convince you that you must learn to make every act count, since you are going to be here for only a short while, in fact, too short for witnessing all the marvels of it.’ – Don Juan

We’re witnessing the passing of the last eminent Victorian… something we won’t see again for many decades. – James Furlong, Sky TV, on the death of the Queen Mother

‘We’ve decided to have the budgie put down.’
‘Oh, is he very old then?’
‘No, we just don’t like him.’
‘Oh. How do they put budgies down anyway?’
‘Well, it’s funny you should be asking that, as I’ve been reading a great big book called `How to put your budgie down’. And as I understand it, you can either hit them over the head with the book, or shoot them there, just above the beak.’
‘Mrs. Conkers flushed hers down the loo.’
‘Oh, you don’t want to do that, because they breed in the sewers and pretty soon you get huge evil smelling flocks of soiled budgies flying out of peoples lavatories infringing their personal freedoms.’

– Monty Python

We [Britain] are the only country in the world where banks leave their doors open – but have to chain pens to the counters.

We all agree on the necessity of compromise. We just can’t agree on when it’s necessary to compromise. – Larry Wall

We all declare for liberty, but in using the same word we do not all mean the same thing. – Abraham Lincoln

We all live in a state of ambitious poverty. – Decimus Junius Juvenalis

We all live in the protection of certain cowardices which we call our principles. – Mark Twain

We all live under the same sky, but we don’t all have the same horizon. – Dr. Konrad Adenauer

We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which divides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct. My own feeling is that it is not crazy enough - Niels Bohr

We are all born equal… just some of us are more equal than others.

We are all born mad. Some remain so. – Samuel Beckett

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. – Oscar Wilde

We are all so much together and yet we are all dying of loneliness. – Albert Schweitzer

We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm. – Winston Churchill

We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess. – Mark Twain

We are always the same age inside.

We are anthill men upon an anthill world. – Ray Bradbury

We are compelled to understand.
We will achieve understanding.

– Hilbert’s epitaph

We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities. – Walt Kelly, ‘Pogo’

We are drowning in information but starved for knowledge. – John Naisbitt, Megatrends

We are each entitled to our own opinion, but no one is entitled to his own facts. – Patrick Moynihan

We are firm believers in the maxim that for all right judgement of any man or thing it is useful, nay, essential, to see his good qualities before pronouncing on his bad. – Carlyle

We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The bad thing is that socialism, being a victim of its… Did I say socialism? – Fidel Castro

We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it. – Dwight D Eisenhower

We are more sensible of what is done against custom than against Nature. – Plutarch

We are not loved by our friends for what we are; rather, we are loved in spite of what we are. – Victor Hugo

We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur. – Dan Quayle

We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same. – Jonathon Swift

We are such stuff as dreams are made on. – William Shakespeare

We are what we pretend to be. – Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

We can do anything we want if we stick at it long enough. – Helen Keller

We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it. – Yates

We can predict everything, except the future.

We cannot command nature except by obeying her. – Sir Francis Bacon

We commit the greatest evil by trying to escape from evil.

We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world. – Helen Keller

We could really bust some heads, in a spiritual sense, of course.

We don’t care. We don’t have to. We’re the Phone Company.

We don’t have to protect the environment – the Second Coming is at hand. – James Watt, noted theologian

We don’t need no education, we don’t need no thought control. – Pink Floyd

We gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids? – I I Rabi to the Atomic Energy Commission

We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it. – La Rochefoucauld

We give to necessity the praise of virtue. – Quintilian

We had it tough… I had to get up at 9 o’clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on our grave singing Hallelujah… – Monty Python

We had to destroy the village in order to save it. – military spokesman during Vietnam War

We have disintegrated so many of the possibilities of life – a deadly demolition job which was carried out by modernism.
It has pulled up the roots of our tradition.
The ground of our being which has been nurtured for so long in the soil of perennial wisdom – the destruction so deadly in its effect.

– Charles, Prince of Wales

We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean. – Carl Sagan

We have met the enemy, and he is us. – Walt Kelly

We have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent than from the machinations of the wicked.

We have not inherited the earth from our parents, we’ve borrowed it from our children.

We have nowhere else to go… this is all we have. – Margaret Mead

We have only two things to worry about: That things will never get back to normal, and that they already have.

We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place. – John Berryman

We have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and it’s out.

We have time enough if we but use it aright – Goethe

We know next to nothing about virtually everything. It is not necessary to know the origin of the universe; it is necessary to want to know. Civilisation depends not on any particular knowledge, but on the disposition to crave knowledge. – George Will

We know that we can do what men can do, but we still don’t know that men can do what women can do. That’s absolutely crucial. We can’t go on doing two jobs. – Gertrude Stein

We know the truth, not only by the reason, but also by the heart. – Blaise Pascal

We laugh at the Indian philosopher, who to account for the support of the earth, contrived the hypothesis of a huge elephant, and to support the elephant, a huge tortoise. If we will candidly confess the truth, we know as little of the operation of the nerves, as he did of the manner in which the earth is supported: and our hypothesis about animal spirits, or about the tension and vibrations of the nerves, are as like to be true, as his about the support of the earth. His elephant was a hypothesis, and our hypotheses are elephants. Every theory in philosophy, which is built on pure conjecture, is an elephant; and every theory that is supported partly by fact, and partly by conjecture, is like Nebuchadnezzar’s image, whose feet were partly of iron, and partly of clay. – Thomas Reid, ‘An Inquiry into the Human Mind’, 1764

We learn from history that we do not learn anything from history.

We learn from history that we do not learn from history. – Georg Hegel

We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves. – Eric Hoffer

We look before and after,
And pine for what is not;
Our sincerest laughter
With some pain is fraught;
Our sweetest songs are those
That tell of saddest thought.

– Percy Shelley

We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all purely intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start with? Many people think that a very abstract activity, like the playing of chess, would be best. It can also be maintained that it is best to provide the machine with the best sense organs that money can buy, and then teach it to understand and speak English. – Alan M Turing

We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should govern their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the center of their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major prophet, nor Christians that Shinto best expresses their spiritual concerns, to say nothing of the fact that we may not be able to get Christians to agree among themselves about their relationship to God. But all will agree on a proposition that they possess profound spiritual resources. If, in addition, we can get them to accept the further proposition that whatever form the Deity may have in their own theology, the Deity is not only external, but internal and acts through them, and they themselves give proof or disproof of the Deity in what they do and think; if this further proposition can be accepted, then we come that much closer to a truly religious situation on earth. – Norman Cousins, from his book ‘Human Options’

We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always respect their good judgement.

We must believe that it is the darkest before the dawn of a beautiful new world. We will see it when we believe it. – Saul Alinsky

We must first of all understand that life is more profound than we are told it is. After all, the likelihood of life beginning by chance is about as great as a hurricane blowing through a scrap yard and assembling a Rolls-Royce. – Charles, Prince of Wales, Millennium speech

We must indeed all hang together, or, most assuredly, we shall all hang separately. – Benjamin Franklin – at the signing of the Declaration of Independence.

We must kill the street. We shall truly enter into modern town planning only after we have accepted this preliminary determination. – Corbusier, modernist architect

We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him. – Napoleon Bonaparte

We must not judge the society of the future by considering whether or not we should like to live in it; the question is whether those who have grown up in it will be happier than those who have grown up in our society or those of the past. – Joseph Wood Krutch

We must pay for the wine we have drunk. – Georgiana Burne-Jones, to Sydney Cockerell after death of Sir Edward Burne-Jones

We must work in harmony with nature once again and reconnect man with the organic roots of his being, with the healing timelessness of living tradition. – Charles, Prince of Wales

We only acknowledge small faults in order to make it appear that we are free from great ones. – La Rochefoucauld

We prefer to speak evil of ourselves rather than not speak of ourselves at all.

We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears.

We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who, content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest. – Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)

We reason deeply, when we forcibly feel. – Wollstonecraft

We secure our friends not by accepting favours but by doing them. – Thucydides

We seldom repent talking too little, but very often talking too much. – Jean de la Bruyere

We shape our buildings; thereafter they shape us. – Winston Churchill

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more. – Mark Twain

We should be glad we’re living in the time that we are. If any of us had been born into a more enlightened age, I’m sure we would have immediately been taken out and shot. – Strange de Jim

We should have a great many fewer disputes in the world if only words were taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things themselves. – John Locke

We should keep the Panama Canal. After all, we stole it fair and square. – S I Hayakawa

We should realise that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than the kind of cleverness that gets out of hand, and that as a general rule, states are better governed by the man in the street than by intellectuals. These are the sort of people who want to appear wiser than the laws, who want to get their own way in every general discussion, because they feel that they cannot show off their intelligence in matters of greater importance, and who, as a result, very often bring ruin on their country. – Cleon, Thucydides, III, 37 translation by Rex Warner

We sleep – to wake. – in Broadwater cemetary, Worthing, Sussex

We the unwilling, led by the ungrateful, are doing the impossible.

We think in generalities, we live in detail. – Alfred North Whitehead

We used to discuss our problems over a cup of coffee and a cigarette. Now they are our problems.

We who revel in nature’s diversity and feel instructed by every animal tend to brand Homo sapiens as the greatest catastrophe since the Cretaceous extinction. – S J Gould

Wedding rings are the world’s smallest handcuffs.

Well begun is half done. – Aristotle

Well this is what you get for leaving a work of art out in the rain. – Mrs Lloyd Jones, whilst dealing with the leaks from the roof of Westhope, designed by F L Wright

Well, fancy giving money to the Government!
Might as well have put it down the drain.
Fancy giving money to the Government!
Nobody will see the stuff again.
Well, they’ve no idea what money’s for –
Ten to one they’ll start another war.
I’ve heard a lot of silly things, but, Lor’!
Fancy giving money to the Government!

– A P Herbert

Well, he didn’t know what to do, so he decided to look at the government, to see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way. – Laurie Anderson

Well, it’s hard for a mere man to believe that woman doesn’t have equal rights. – Dwight D Eisenhower

Well, we’ve come full circle, Lord; I’d like to think there’s some higher meaning to all this. It would certainly reflect well on you.

What’s done to children, they will do to society.

What’s in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet.

– William Shakespeare

What’s the matter with the world? Why, there ain’t but one thing wrong with every one of us - and that’s ‘selfishness - The Best of Will Rogers

What’s the ugliest part of your body?
What’s the ugliest part of your body?
Some say your nose,
Some say your toes,
But I think it’s your mind.

– Frank Zappa, 1965

What’s the use of a good quotation if you can’t change it? – Dr. Who

What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so that we wouldn’t have a fat, insensitive government running our country. Nice try anyway, George. – DJ on KSFO/KYA

What I’ve done, of course, is total garbage. – R Willard, Pure Math 430a

What I tell you three times is true.

What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.

What a chimera, then, is man! what a novelty, what a monster, what a chaos, what a subject of contradiction, what a prodigy! A judge of all things, feeble worm of the earth, depository of the truth… the glory and the shame of the universe. – Pascal

What a misfortune to be a woman! And yet, the worst misfortune is not to understand what a misfortune it is. – Soren Kierkegaard, 1813-1855.

What a waste it is to lose one’s mind, or not to have a mind. How true that is. – Dan Quayle, addressing the United Negro College Fund

What an artist dies with me. – Nero

‘What are you doing?’
‘Examining the world’s major religions. I’m looking for something that’s light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short initiation period.’

What colour is a chameleon on a mirror?

What did Mickey Mouse get for Christmas? A Dan Quayle watch.

What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for each other? – George Eliot

‘What do you give a man who has everything?’ the pretty teenager asked her mother. ‘Encouragement, dear,’ she replied.

What does ‘it’ mean in the sentence ‘What time is it?’?

What does education often do? It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook. – Henry David Thoreau

What does not destroy me, makes me stronger. – Nietzsche

What fools these mortals be. – Lucius Annaeus Seneca

What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can’t find the entrance?

What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don’t follow in his footsteps?

What hath God wrought. – first message sent by Morse Code, May 24, 1844

What history teaches us is that neither nations nor governments ever learn anything from it. – Hegel

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. – Woody Allen, ‘Without Feathers’

What if nothing exists and we’re all in somebody’s dream? Or what’s worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? – Woody Allen, ‘Without Feathers’

What if there had been room at the inn? – Linda Festa on the origins of Christianity

What is food to one, is to others bitter poison. – Titus Lucretius Carus

What is mind? No matter.
What is matter? Never mind.

– Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875

What is now proved was once only imagin’d. – William Blake

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin. – Mark Twain

What is the meaning of life? That was all – a simple question; one that tended to close in on one with the years. The great revelation had never come. The great revelation perhaps never did come. Instead there were little daily miracles, illuminations, matches struck unexpectedly in the dark… – Virginia Woolf, ‘To the Lighthouse’

What is the robbing of a bank compared to the founding of a bank. – Bertolt Brecht

What is tolerance? – it is the consequence of humanity. We are all formed of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other’s folly - that is the first law of nature. – Voltaire

What is truth? We must adopt a pragmatic definition: it is what is believed to be the truth. A lie that is put across therefore becomes the truth and may, therefore, be justified. The difficulty is to keep up lying… it is simpler to tell the truth and if a sufficient emergency arises, to tell one, big thumping lie that will then be believed. – Ministry of Information, memo on the maintenance of British civilian morale, 1939

What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out, which is the exact opposite. – Bertrand Russell, ‘Sceptical Essays’, 1928

What is wanted is not the will-to-believe, but the wish-to-find-out, which are exact opposites.

What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.

What luck for the rulers that men do not think. – Adolph Hitler

What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there’s nothing to compare it with.

What on earth would a man do with himself if something did not stand in his way. – H G Wells

What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true. – John Lilly

What one fool can do, another can. – ancient Simian proverb

What passes for woman’s intuition is often nothing more than man’s transparency. – George Nathan

What really shapes and conditions and makes us is somebody only a few of us ever have the courage to face: and that is the child you once were, long before formal education ever got its claws into you – that impatient, all-demanding child who wants love and power and can’t get enough of either and who goes on raging and weeping in your spirit till at last your eyes are closed and all the fools say, ‘Doesn’t he look peaceful?’ It is those pent-up, craving children who make all the wars and all the horrors and all the art and all the beauty and discovery in life, because they are trying to achieve what lay beyond their grasp before they were five years old. – Robertson Davies, ‘The Rebel Angels’

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? – Ursula K Le Guin

What science cannot tell us, mankind cannot know. – Bertrand Russell

What soon grows old? Gratitude. – Aristotle

What the deuce is it to me? You say that we go around the sun. If we went around the moon it would not make a pennyworth of difference to me or my work. – Sherlock Holmes, ‘A Study in Scarlet’

What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.

What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.

What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying. – Nikita Khrushchev

What though the field be lost?
All is not lost; th’ unconquerable will,
And study of revenge, immortal hate,
And courage never to submit or yield.

– John Milton

What time is it? I don’t know, it keeps changing.

What upsets me is not that you lied to me, but that from now on I can no longer believe you. – Nietzsche

What we Are is God’s give to us.
What we Become is our gift to God.

What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence. – Wittgenstein

What we do not understand we do not possess. – Goethe

What we see depends on mainly what we look for. – John Lubbock

What we wish, that we readily believe. – Demosthenes

What you don’t know can hurt you, only you won’t know it.

What you don’t know won’t help you much either. – D Bennett

What you don’t know would make a good book. – Sydney Smith

What you see is from outside yourself, and may come, or not, but is beyond your control. But your fear is yours, and yours alone, like your voice, or your fingers, or your memory, and therefore yours to control. If you feel powerless over your fear, you have not yet admitted that it is yours, to do with as you will. – Marion Zimmer Bradley, ‘Stormqueen’

What you want, what you’re hanging around in the world waiting for, is for something to occur to you. – Robert Frost

What, after all, is a halo? It’s only one more thing to keep clean. – Christopher Fry

What, to the American slave, is your 4th of July? I answer; a day that reveals to him, more than all other days in the year, the gross injustice and cruelty to which he is the constant victim. To him, your celebration is a sham. – Frederick Douglass

Whatever befalls the Earth, befalls the sons and daughters of the Earth.
If people spit upon the ground they spit upon themselves. This we know.
The Earth does not belong to man; man belongs to the Earth. This we know.
All things are connected like the blood which unites one family. All things are connected. Whatever befalls the Earth befalls the sons and daughters of the Earth.
Human beings did not weave the web of life; they are merely a strand in it. Whatever they do to the web they do to themselves.

– from ‘Testament’, Indian cheif Seathl

Whatever carrousel you stand by, your baggage will come in on another one.

Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to everyone you know only more so.

Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not nailed down. – Collis P Huntingdon, railroad tycoon

Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts. – Publilius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)

Whatever joy there is in this world all comes from desiring others to be happy. Whatever suffering there is in this world comes from desiring myself to be happy. – St. Francis

Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil. – Friedrich Nietzsche

Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power and imagination in it.

Begin it now.

– Goethe

Whatever you did, that’s what you planned.

Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it. – Ghandi

Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that you are dreadfully like other people. – James Russell Lowell, ‘My Study Windows’

Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first.

When Alexander Graham Bell died in 1922, the telephone people interrupted service for one minute in his honour. They’ve been honouring him intermittently ever since, I believe. – The Grab Bag

When Demaratus was asked whether he held his tongue because he was a fool or for want of words, he replied, ‘A fool cannot hold his tongue.’ – Plutarch

When Demosthenes was asked what was the first part of oratory, he answered, ‘Action’; and which was the second, he replied, ‘Action’; and which was the third, he still answered, ‘Action.’ – Plutarch

When Eudaemonidas heard a philosopher arguing that only a wise man can be a good general, ‘This is a wonderful speech,’ said he; ‘but he that saith it never heard the sound of trumpets.’ – Plutarch

When Fortune means to men most good,
She looks upon them with a threatening eye.

– William Shakespeare

When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to guarantee them.

When I’m not paralytic, I like to play golf. – Dennis Thatcher

When I came back to Dublin I was court-martialled in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence. – Brendan Behan

When I die, I would like to have a picture of Hitler on one side of my death bed and one of Goering on the other. Because then I’d die like Jesus – between two criminals. – priest in Nazi Germany, killed at Dachau

When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that can’t happen. – Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal)

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. – Henry Youngman

When I rest, I rust. (German proverb - ‘rast ich, so rost ich’)

‘When I use a word,’ Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful tone, ‘it means just what I choose it to mean – neither more nor less.’ – Lewis Carroll, ‘Through the Looking Glass’

When I was a boy, I was a bit puzzled, and hardly knew weather it was myself or the world that was curious and worth looking into. Now I know that it is myself, and stick to that. – Robert Louis Stevenson, from ‘Will o’ the Mill’

When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, ‘Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?’ He answered, ‘If the zoo wants you let them come and get you.’ – Jerry Lewis

When I was a teenager miles of hedges were uprooted, ancient woodland in a matter of days. You try putting them back – Charles, Prince of Wales

When I was a young man, I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal woman. Well, I found her – but alas, she was waiting for the ideal man. – Robert Schuman

When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. – Woody Allen

When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an act of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A group of seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a six-year-old. ‘It is always so,’ my mother said. ‘You do things together which not one of you would think of doing alone.’ … Wherever one looks in the world of human organization, collective responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards. The military establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems to have been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things together which nobody in his right mind would do alone. – Freeman Dyson, ‘Weapons and Hope’

When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. – Mark Twain

When I works, I works hard.
When I sits, I sits easy.
And when I thinks, I goes to sleep.

When Marriage is Outlawed,
Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.

When Thales was asked what was difficult, he said, ‘To know one’s self.’ And what was easy, ‘To advise another.’ – Diogenes Laertius

When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him – that’s where the money is. – Robespierre

When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman, it will work perfectly.

When a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn’t get very far!

When a distinguished scientist states something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.

When a fellow says, ‘It ain’t the money but the principle of the thing,’ it’s the money. – Kim Hubbard

When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattentions of one. – Helen Rowland

When a lion meets another with a louder roar,
the first lion thinks the last a bore. – George Bernard Shaw

When a lot of remedies are suggested for a disease, that means it can’t be cured. – Chekhov, ‘The Cherry Orchard’

When a man assumes a public trust, he should consider himself as public property. – Thomas Jefferson

When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life. – Samuel Johnson

When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight, it concentrates his mind wonderfully. – Samuel Johnson

When a man loses contact with the past he loses his soul. – Charles, Prince of Wales

When a man says it’s a silly, childish game, it’s probably something his wife can beat him at. – Epperson’s law

When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute– and it’s longer than any hour. That’s relativity. – Albert Einstein

When a person goes on a diet, the first thing he loses is his temper.

When a woman gives me a present I have always two surprises: first is the present, and afterward, having to pay for it. – Donnay

When a woman marries again it is because she detested her first husband. When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife. – Oscar Wilde

When a writer prepares a manuscript on a subject he does not understand, his work will be understood only by readers who know more about that subject than he does.

When all else fails, pour a pint of Guinness in the gas tank, advance the spark 20 degrees, cry ‘God Save the Queen!’, and pull the starter knob. – MG ‘Series MGA’ Workshop Manual

When all else fails, read the instructions. – Agnus Allen,1979

When all else fails, read the instructions. – Cahn

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

When an exaggerated emphasis is placed upon delegation, responsibility, like sediment, sinks to the bottom.

When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear. – Mark Twain

When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the most inconvenient possible time. – Johnson’s First Law

When asked ‘What is a contingent fee?’ a lawyer answered, ‘A contingent fee to a lawyer means, if I don’t win your suit, I get nothing. If I do win it, you get nothing.’

When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before the white men came, an Indian said simply ‘Ours.’ – Vine Deloria, Jr.

When asked the definition of ‘pi’:
The Mathematician:
Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the circumference of a circle and its diameter.
The Physicist:
Pi is 3.1415927, plus or minus 0.000000005.
The Engineer:
Pi is about 3.

When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults. – Brian Aldiss

When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, ‘How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?’ – Brady

When eating an elephant take one bite at a time. – Gen. C Abrams

When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you hold the hammer with both hands. – Leibowitz’s Rule

When in Rome, live in the Roman way. – St. Ambrose

When in charge, ponder; when in trouble, delegate; when in doubt, mumble.

When in doubt, do it. It’s much easier to apologise than to get permission. – Grace Murray Hopper

When in doubt, follow your heart.

When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder. – James H Boren

When in doubt, tell the truth. – Mark Twain

When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

When it’s dark enough you can see the stars. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

When it comes to broken marriages most husbands will split the blame – half his wife’s fault, and half her mother’s.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

When love begins to sicken and decay,
It useth an enforced ceremony.
There are no tricks in plain and simple faith.

– William Shakespeare

When love is gone, there’s always justice.
And when justice is gone, there’s always force.
And when force is gone, there’s always Mom.
Hi, Mom!

– Laurie Anderson

When man calls an animal ‘vicious’, he usually means that it will attempt to defend itself when he tries to kill it.

When men and women cease to believe in God, they do not believe in nothing. They believe in anything. – Gilbert K Chesterton

When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results. – Calvin Coolidge

When music fails to agree to the ear, to soothe the ear and the heart and the senses, then it has missed its point. – Maria Callas

When my attorney told his clients that he had a sliding fee schedule, what he meant was that after he billed you, it was financially hard to get back on your feet.

When neither their poverty nor their honour is touched, the majority of men live content. – Niccolo Machiavelli

When nothing can possibly go wrong, it will.

When one burns one’s bridges, what a very nice fire it makes. – Dylan Thomas

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. – Helen Keller

When one is painting one does not think. – Raphael

When one knows women one pities men, but when one studies men, one excuses women. – Horne Tooke

When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony concerts, she paused to calculate and replied, ‘Forty-seven years – and I find I mind it less and less.’ – Louise Andrews Kent

When our actions do not,
Our fears do make us traitors.

– William Shakespeare

When people have trouble communicating, the least they can do is to shut up. – Tom Lehrer

When people say nothing, they don’t necessarily mean nothing.

When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch. – Rule of the Great

When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity. For every week you’re away and get nothing done, there’s another when your boss is away and you get twice as much done. – Daniel B Luten

When speculation has done its worst, two plus two still equals four. – Samuel Johnson

When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the corners as bodies of a lower grade… – Stanislaw Lem

When the axe entered the forest, the trees said, ‘The handle is one of us!. – Turkish proverb

When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff. – Chinese proverb

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

When the candles are out all women are fair. – Plutarch

When the enemy has only two choices, he invariably takes the third. – Marshall von Roon, Prussian war minister

When the going gets tough, everyone leaves. – Lynch

When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.

When the greatest poet of Modern Greece, Dionysios Solomos, wrote his epigram for Psara (a Greek island destroyed by Turks), he went to a highly respected mathematician and recited it. The mathematician indifferently told him:
- My child, can you tell me what is the practical use of this poem?

– Akritas, volume. II, Athens 1905, p. 322

When the need arises, any tool or object closest to you becomes a hammer.

When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem starts to look like a nail.

When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system will perform perfectly.

When the revolution comes, count your change.

When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is metaphysics. – Voltaire

When the sun shineth, make hay. – John Heywood

When the toilets flow, it makes the plumber my favourite person. – Ryan Gale

When the wind is great, bow before it;
when the wind is heavy, yield to it.

When the world is running down, you make the best of what’s still around.

When there are too many policemen, there can be no liberty; When there are too many soldiers, there can be no peace; When there are too many lawyers, there can be no justice. – Lin Yutang

When there are two conflicting versions of the story, the wise course is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst. – H Allen Smith, ‘Let the Crabgrass Grow’

When they ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

When things are going well, something will go wrong.
When things just can’t get any worse, they will.
When things appear to be going better you have overlooked something.

When things go well, expect something to explode, erode, collapse or just disappear.

When things just can’t possibly get any worse, they will. – Chisolm’s First Corollary to Murphy’s Second Law

When travelling overseas, the exchange rate improves markedly the day after one has purchased foreign currency.

When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part. – George Bernard Shaw

When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary. – Thomas Paine

When we try to pick out anything by itself we find it hitched to everything else in the universe.

When we write programs that ‘learn’, it turns out that we do and they don’t.

When women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes; when they do not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not even our virtues. – Balzac

When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer. Provided of course you know there is a problem.

When you’re away, I’m restless, lonely,
Wretched, bored, dejected; only
Here’s the rub, my darling dear
I feel the same when you are near.

– Samuel Hoffenstein, ‘When You’re Away’

When you’re bored with yourself, marry, and be bored with someone else. – David Pryce-Jones

When you’re dining out and you suspect something’s wrong, you’re probably right.

When you’re in command, command. – Admiral Nimitz

When you’re not in a hurry, the traffic light will turn green as soon as your vehicle comes to a complete stop.

When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all. – Roger Zelazny, ‘Doorways in the Sand’

When you are at Rome live in the Roman style; when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere. – St. Ambrose

When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.

When you are sure you’re right, you have a moral duty to impose your will upon anyone who disagrees with you.

When you are young, you enjoy a sustained illusion that sooner or later something marvellous is going to happen, that you are going to transcend your parents’ limitations… At the same time, you feel sure that in all the wilderness of possibility; in all the forests of opinion, there is a vital something that can be known – known and grasped. That we will eventually know it, and convert the whole mystery into a coherent narrative. So that then one’s true life – the point of everything – will emerge from the mist into a pure light, into total comprehension. But it isn’t like that at all. But if it isn’t, where did the idea come from, to torture and unsettle us? – Brian Aldiss, ‘Helliconia Summer’

When you ask from a stranger that which is of interest only to yourself, always enclose a stamp.

When you consider there are 24 hours in a day, it’s sad to know that only one is called the happy hour.

When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal

When you die, you lose a very important part of your life. – Brooke Shields

When you dig another out of trouble, you’ve got a place to bury your own.

When you do not know what you are going, do it neatly.

When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

When you don’t know what you are doing, do it neatly.

When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to a mirror and look at yourself
And see what that man has to say.

For it isn’t your father or mother or wife
Whose judgement upon you must pass;
The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the one staring back from the glass.

Some people may think you a straight-shootin’ chum
And call you a wonderful guy,
But the man in the glass says you’re only a bum
If you can’t look him straight in the eye.

He’s the fellow to please, never mind all the rest,
For he’s with you clear up to the end,
And you’ve passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the man in the glass is your friend.

You may fool the whole world down the pathway of life
And get pats on the back as you pass,
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
If you’ve cheated the man in the glass.

When you go home
Tell them of us and say
For your tomorrow
We gave our today

– J M Edmonds, based on verse by Greek lyric poet Simonides of Ceos and used on many war memorials

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty. – Norm Crosby

When you go out to buy, don’t show your silver.

When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship. – Harry Truman

When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. – Sherlock Holmes, ‘The Sign of Four’

When you have no basis for an argument, abuse the plaintiff. – Cicero

When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite. – Winston Churchill, on formal declarations of war

When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don’t know the answer either. – Edgar R Fiedler

When you live in a sick society, just about everything you do is wrong.

When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers. – The Wall Street Journal

When you need to knock on wood is when you realise that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminium. – Flugg’s Law

When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice. – Otto Von Bismarck

When you soar like an eagle, you attract the hunters. – Milton S Gould, 1967

When your life is a leaf that the seasons tear off and condemn They will bind you with love that is graceful and green as a stem. – Leonard Cohen, ‘Sisters of Mercy’

When your only tool is a hammer, you tend to treat everything you find like a nail.

When your work speaks for itself, don’t interrupt. – Henry J Kaiser

Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally. – Abraham Lincoln

Whenever a child lies, you will always find a severe parent. A lie would have no sense unless the truth was felt to be dangerous. – Alfred Adler

Whenever anyone says, ‘theoretically’, they really mean, ‘not really’. – Dave Parnas

Whenever one person is found adequate to the discharge of a duty by close application thereto, it is worse execute by two persons and scarcely done at all if three or more are employed therein. – George Washington, 1732-1799

Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. – Oscar Wilde

Whenever science makes a discovery, the devil grabs while the angels are debating the best way to use it. – Alan Valentine

Whenever someone tells you to take their advice, you can be pretty sure that they’re not using it.

Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth. – Mark Twain, ‘Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court’

Whenever you cut your fingernails you will find a need for them an hour later.

Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform. – Mark Twain

Where I prosper is my native land. – Roman saying

Where the city that has produced the greatest man stands,
There the greatest city stands.

– Whitman

Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.

Where there’s a will, there’s an Inheritance Tax.

Where there is much light there is also much shadow. – Goethe

Where will it all end? Probably somewhere near where it all began.

Wherefore being all of one mind, we do highly resolve that government of the grafted by the grafter for the grafter shall not perish from the earth. – Mark Twain

Whether weary or unweary, O man, do not rest,
Do not cease your single-handed struggle.
Go on, do not rest.

– old Gujarati hymn

Whether you can hear it or not
The Universe is laughing behind your back

– National Lampoon, ‘Deteriorata’

Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?

While Europe’s eye is fix’d on mighty things,
The fate of empires and the fall of kings;
While quacks of State must each produce his plan,
And even children lisp the Rights of Man;
Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention,
The Rights of Woman merit some attention.

– Robert Burns, address on ‘The Rights of Woman’, November 26, 1792

While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is admission to someone else.

While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don’t keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove. – Edward Stevenson

While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

While money doesn’t buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position.

While most peoples’ opinions change, the conviction of their correctness never does.

While riding in a train between London and Birmingham, a woman inquired of Oscar Wilde, ‘You don’t mind if I smoke, do you?’ Wilde gave her a sidelong glance and replied, ‘I don’t mind if you burn, madam.’

While there’s life, there’s hope. – Publilius Terentius Afer (Terence)

While we are postponing, life speeds by. – Seneca

While you don’t greatly need the outside world, it’s still very reassuring to know that it’s still there.

Who does not love wine, women, and song
Remains a fool his whole life long.

– Luther, also attributed to Johann Heinrich Voss

Who does not trust enough will not be trusted. – Lao Tsze

Who ever loved that loved not at first sight? – Marlowe

Who gives himself with his alms feeds three, –
Himself, his hungering neighbour, and me.

– Lowell

Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing. – Thomas Tusser

Who love too much, hate in the like extreme,
And both the golden mean alike condemn.

– Alexander Pope

Who loves me will also love my dog. – John Donne

Who never ate his bread in sorrow,
Who never spent the darksome hours
Weeping, and watching for the morrow, –
He knows ye not, ye gloomy Powers.

– Goethe

Who overcomes by force, hath overcome but half his foe. – Milton

Who rides the tiger cannot dismount. – Chinese proverb

Who steals my purse steals trash; ’t is something, nothing;
’T was mine, ’t is his, and has been slave to thousands;
But he that filches from me my good name
Robs me of that which not enriches him
And makes me poor indeed.

– William Shakespeare

Who will not mercie unto others show
How can he mercy ever hope to have? – Spenser

Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And when you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you. – Friedrich Nietzsche

Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will attempt to use it. – Quigley’s Law

Whoever named it ‘necking’ was a poor judge of anatomy. – Groucho Marx

Whoever tells a lie cannot be pure in heart - and only the pure in heart can make a good soup. – Ludwig Van Beethoven

Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.

Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising.

Whom the mad would destroy, first they make gods. – Bernard Levin

Whoso be a man must be a nonconformist. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Why I Can’t Go Out With You:
I’d LOVE to, but…
– I have to floss my cat.
– I’ve dedicated my life to linguini.
– I need to spend more time with my blender.
– it wouldn’t be fair to the other Beautiful People.
– it’s my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish.
– I’m going downtown to try on some gloves.
– I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
– I’m going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
– I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
– I have some really hard words to look up.
– I’ve got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
– I promised to help a friend fold road maps.

Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are. – Erik Satie

Why backup tomorrow what you can backup today?

Why be a man when you can be a success? – Bertolt Brecht

Why be difficult when with a bit of effort you could be impossible?

Why bother building any more nuclear warheads until we use the ones we have?

Why can’t you be a non-conformist like everyone else?

Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to avoid responsibility with?

Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What’s the Latin for office automation?

Why do Jews not drink? Because it interferes with their suffering.

Why do seagulls live near the sea? ‘Cause if they lived near the bay, they’d be called baygulls.

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. – Woody Allen, ‘Without Feathers’

Why doesn’t everybody leave everybody else the hell alone. – Jimmy Durante

Why don’t elephants eat penguins ? Because they can’t get the wrappers off…

Why don’t you lay the footpaths where the students want to walk? – Dwight D Eisenhower, on hearing students were walking on the grass.

Why is it called a funny bone when it hurts so much?

Why is it taking so long for her to bring out all the good in you?

Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved – Mark Twain

Why must you tell me all your secrets when it’s hard enough to love you knowing nothing? – Lloyd Cole and the Commotions

Why not go out on a limb? Isn’t that where the fruit is?

Why on earth do people buy old bottles of wine when they can get a fresh one for a quarter of the price?

Why question authority when authority won’t answer?

Why should architecture or objects of art in the machine age, just because they are made by machines, have to resemble machinery? – Frank Lloyd Wright

Why was I born with such contemporaries. – Oscar Wilde

Why waste your brain cells on a programming problem when the computer can waste them for you? – Joe Holt

Why worry about tomorrow? We may not make it through today!

William Safire’s Rules for Writers:
Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must not shift your point of view. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.) Don’t overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek viable alternatives.

Winning isn’t everything, but losing isn’t anything.

Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.

Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know. – J Winter Smith

Wisdom is ofttimes nearer when we stoop
Than when we soar.

– Wordsworth

Wisdom of times consists of knowing what to do next. – Hoover, Herbert

[Wisdom] is a tree of life to those laying hold of her, making happy each one holding her fast. – Proverbs 3:18, NSV

With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I try to be a fraud and a half. – Otto von Bismark

With a rubber duck, one’s never alone. – ‘The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy’

With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.

With just enough of learning to misquote. – Byron

With listening comes wisdom, with speaking repentance.

With man, most of his misfortunes are occasioned by man. – Pliny the Elder

With reasonable men I will reason;
with humane men I will plead;
but to tyrants I will give no quarter.

– William Lloyd Garrison

With the critical attention given to crafts by Ruskin and Morris it came to be seen that it was impossible to detach design from craft,… and that, in the widest sense, true design is an inseparable element of good quality, involving as it does the selection of good and suitable material, contrivance for special purpose, expert workmanship, proper finish, and so on…. Workmanship when separated by too wide a gulf from fresh thought – that is, from design – inevitably decays. – W R Lethaby, 1902

With the end of the Victorian era, we passed into what I feel I must call the terrible 20th century – Winston Churchill

Within a computer, natural language is unnatural.

Without adventure, civilisation is in full decay. – Alfred North Whitehead

Without deviation from the norm, progress is impossible. – Frank Zappa

Without fools there would be no wisdom.

Without love intelligence is dangerous; without intelligence love is not enough. – Ashley Montagu

Without scapegoats, humanity is bland. I blame the scapegoats for this.

Without work all life goes rotten. – Albert Camus

Woman’s advice has little value, but he who won’t take it is a fool. – Miguel de Cervantes

Woman are like elephants to me: I like to look at them, but I wouldn’t want to own one. – W C Fields

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. – Dumas

Woman is generally so bad that the difference between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists. – Tolstoy

Woman was taken out of man – not out of his head, to rule over him; nor out of his feet, to be trampled under by him; but out of his side, to be equal to him – under his arm, that he might protect her, and near his heart that he might love her. – Henry

Woman would be more charming if one could fall into her arms without falling into her hands. – De Gourmont

Woman: ‘Sir, you are drunk; very, very drunk.’
Winston Churchill: ‘Madame, you are ugly; very, very ugly. I shall be sober in the morning.’

Women’s Libbers are OK. I just wouldn’t want my sister to marry one.

Women’s virtue is man’s greatest invention. – Cornelia Otis Skinner

Women are just like men, only different.

Women are like elephants to me: I like to look at them, but I wouldn’t want to own one. – W C Fields

Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more. – Stephens

Women give to men the very gold of their lives. Possibly; but they invariably want it back in such very small change. – Wilde

Women have been trained to speak softly and carry a lipstick. Those days are over. – Bella Abzug

Women in love consist of a little sighing, a little crying, a little dying - and a good deal of lying. – Ansey

Women reason with the heart and are much less often wrong than men who reason with the head. – De Lescure

Women should be obscene and not heard. – Groucho Marx

Women sometimes forgive a man who forces the opportunity, but never a man who misses one. – Charles Maurice de Talleyrand-Perigord

Women treat us just as humanity treats its gods. They worship us and are always bothering us to do something for them. – Wilde

Women wish to be loved without a why or a wherefore; not because they are pretty, or good, or well-bred, or graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves. – Amiel

Women, when they have made a sheep of a man, always tell him that he is a lion with a will of iron. – Balzac

Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher, and philosophy begins in wonder. – Socrates, quoting Plato

Words are the voice of the heart.

Words must be weighed, not counted.

Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do. – Mark Twain

Work done by human beings for human beings. – W R Lethaby

Work expands to fill the time available. – Cyril Northcote Parkinson, ‘The Economist’, 1955

Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence.

Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near the earth’s surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people to do so. – Bertrand Russell

Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life. – Schulz

Work is the curse of the drinking classes. – Mike Romanoff

Work like hell, tell everyone everything you know, close a deal with a handshake, and have fun – Harold ‘Doc’ Edgerton, summing up his life’s philosophy, shortly before dying at the age of 86.

Work may be the crabgrass of life, but money is still the water that keeps it green.

Work without a vision is slavery,
Vision without work is a pipe dream,
But vision with work is the hope of the world.

Work, darling, is the rent you pay for life. – Elizabeth, HM Queen Mother

Worst Vegetable of the Year: The Brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year. – Steve Rubenstein

Would it save you some time if I just gave up and went mad now?

Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake. – John Heywood

Would you please have another look at my nose and put in that cocaine stuff…. – Adolf Hitler, quoted by Dr. Giesing in Nuremberg trial testimony, 1947

‘Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?’
‘That depends a good deal on where you want to get to’, said the Cat.

– Lewis Carroll

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. – Mark Twain

Write a wise saying and your name will live forever.

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. – Frank Zappa

Writings prepared without understanding must fail in the first objective of communication – informing the uninformed.

Xerox does it again and again and again and…

Xerox never comes up with anything original.

Yes me, I got a bottle in front of me.
And Jimmy has a frontal lobotomy.
Just different ways to kill the pain the same.
But I’d rather have a bottle in front of me,
Than to have to have a frontal lobotomy.
I might be drunk but at least I’m not insane.

– Randy Ansley, MD (Dr. Rock)

Yes, child of suffering, thou mayst well be sure
He who ordained the Sabbath loves the poor! – Holmes

Yesterday I was a dog. Today I’m a dog.
Tomorrow I’ll probably still be a dog.
Sigh! There’s so little hope for advancement. – Snoopy

Yesterday upon the stair
I met a man who wasn’t there.
He wasn’t there again today –
I think he’s from the CIA.

You’d better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can’t get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that’s too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. – Groucho Marx

You’ll never be the man your mother was!

You’re at the end of the road again.

You’re either part of the solution or part of the problem. – Eldridge Cleaver

You’re never too old to become younger. – Mae West

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. – Dean Martin

You’re not part of my job description.

You’ve always made the mistake of being yourself. – Eugene Ionesco

You’ve been leading a dog’s life. Stay off the furniture.

You’ve got to have a gimmick if your band sucks. – Gary Giddens

You’ve got to think about tomorrow! Tomorrow! I haven’t even prepared for yesterday yet!

You are absolute plate-glass. I see to the very back of your mind. – Sherlock Holmes

You are always complimented on the item which took the least effort to prepare.
Example: If you make ‘duck a l’orange’ you will be complimented on the baked potato.

You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however. – R Bach, ‘Messiah’s Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul’

You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.

You ask what is our policy? I will say: it is to wage war, by sea, land, and air, with all our might.
You ask what is our aim? I can answer in one word: victory. Victory at all costs, victory in spite of terror, victory however long and hard the road may be: for without victory there is no survival. – Winston Churchill’s first statement as Prime Minister

You can’t carve your way to success without cutting remarks.

You can’t cheat an honest man, never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump. – W C Fields

You can’t choose your ancestors, but that’s fair – they probably wouldn’t have chosen us.

You can’t comfort the afflicted without afflicting the comfortable. – written as note by Diana, Princess of Wales

You can’t depend on the man who made the mess to clean it up. – Richard Nixon, 1952

You can’t erase a dream, you can only wake me up. – Peter Frampton

You can’t fix it if it ain’t broke.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it? – Steven Wright

You can’t hold a man down without staying down with him. – Booker T Washington

You can’t start worrying about what’s going to happen. You get spastic enough worrying about what’s happening now. – Lauren Bacall

You can’t survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten. – Charles Schulz, ‘Things I’ve Had to Learn Over and Over and Over’

You can’t teach people to be lazy – either they have it, or they don’t. – Dagwood Bumstead

You can’t tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it.

You can always find what you’re not looking for.

You can be up to your boobies in white satin, with gardenias in your hair and no sugar cane for miles, but you can still be working on a plantation. – Billie Holiday

You can bear anything if it isn’t your own fault. – Katharine Fullerton Gerould

You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow. – Janis Joplin

You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. Why do you find that funny? – D Taylor, Computer Science 350, University of Washington

You can drive a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right and the budget is big enough. – Joseph E Levine

You can get there from here, but why on earth would you want to?

You can have peace. Or you can have freedom. Don’t ever count on having both at once. – Lazarus Long

You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you’ve got something.

You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you’ve got something. – ‘Hartley’s First Law’

You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. – Franklin P Jones

You can make it foolproof, but you can’t make it damn foolproof.

You can move the world with an idea, but you have to think of it first.

You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake. – Jeannette Rankin

You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.

You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.

You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.

You cannot fight against the future. Time is on our side. – William E Gladstone,1866

You cannot have a science without measurement. – R W Hamming

You cannot have good architecture merely by asking people’s advice on occasion. All good architecture is the expression of national life and character; and it is produced by a prevalent and eager national taste, or desire for beauty. – speech by John Ruskin

You cannot have your cake and eat it. – John Heywood, 1546

You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.

You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.

You cannot see the wood for the trees. – John Heywood

You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist. – Indira Gandhi

You cannot use your friends and have them too.

You could get a new lease on life – if only you didn’t need the first and last month in advance.

You don’t get to choose how you’re going to die. Or when. You can decide how you’re going to live now. – Joan Baez

You don’t have to be crazy to work here but it sure helps!

You don’t have to think too hard when you talk to teachers. – J D Salinger

You don’t sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting needles. – Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food

You furnish the pictures and I’ll furnish the war. – William Randolph Hearst

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do. – Eleanor Roosevelt

You get what you pay for. – Gabriel Biel

You give me space to belong to myself yet without separating me from your own life. May it all turn out to your happiness. – Goethe

You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets wrinkled.

You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You’ll learn a lot today.

You know if they ever find a way to harness sarcasm as an energy source, you people are all going to owe me big. – Bill Paul

You know it’s Monday when you wake up and it’s Tuesday. – Garfield

You know it’s going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren’t any.

You know the great thing about TV? If something important happens anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night, you can always change the channel. – Jim Ignatowski

You know there’s something very mental about the brain. London taxi driver

You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo. – S Rickly Christian

You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are now extinct. – M Somerset Maugham

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a ‘realist,’ he is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing. – Sydney Harris

You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue – agree with him. – Ed Howe

You may my glories and my state dispose, But not my griefs; still am I king of those. – William Shakespeare, ‘Richard II’

You must know that a man can have only one invulnerable loyalty, loyalty to his own concept of the obligations of manhood. All other loyalties are merely deputies of that one. – Nero Wolfe

You must realise that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do.

You never gain something but that you lose something. – Thoreau

You never have the right number of pills left on the last day of a prescription.

You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.

You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough. – William Blake

You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge – Whistler’s Law

You never learn as much in a good life as you do in a hard one. – Leon Jaselsky, a Ukrainian held as prisoner of war in Britain during World War II

You probably wouldn’t worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do. – Olin Miller

You see things; and you say ‘Why?’ But I dream things that never were; and I say ‘Why not?. – George Bernard Shaw, ‘Back to Methuselah’

You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat. – Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio

You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends. – Joseph Conrad

You should emulate your heros, but don’t carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than about ten to the twelfth to one. – Ernest Rutherford

You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty. – Henrik Ibsen

You shouldn’t wallow in self-pity. But it’s OK to put your feet in it and swish them around a little. – Guindon

You tread upon my patience. – William Shakespeare, ‘Henry IV’

You will always find something in the last place you look.

You will find me drinking gin
In the lowest kind of inn,
Because I am a rigid Vegetarian.

– Gilbert K Chesterton

You will never amount to much. – Munich Schoolmaster, to Albert Einstein, age 10

You will remember that you forgot to take out the waste when the rubbish truck is two doors away.

You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day. – Sherlock Holmes

You will save yourself a lot of needless worry if you don’t burn your bridges until you come to them.

You won’t skid if you stay in a rut. – Frank Hubbard

You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You’re not paid enough to worry.

Young men are fitter to invent than to judge; fitter for execution than for counsel; and fitter for new projects than for settled business. For the experience of age, in things that fall within the compass of it, directeth them; but in new things, abuseth them. The errors of young men are the ruin of business; but the errors of aged men amount but to this, that more might have been done, or sooner. Young men, in the conduct and management of actions, embrace more than they can hold; stir more than they can quiet; fly to the end, without consideration of the means and degrees; pursue some few principles which they have chanced upon absurdly; care not how they innovate, which draws unknown inconveniences; and, that which doubleth all errors, will not acknowledge or retract them; like an unready horse, that will neither stop nor turn. Men of age object too much, consult too long, adventure too little, repent too soon, and seldom drive business home to the full period, but content themselves with a mediocrity of success. Certainly, it is good to compound employments of both … because the virtues of either age may correct the defects of both – Francis Bacon, ‘Essay on Youth and Age’

Young men think old men are fools; but old men know young men are fools. – George Chapman

Young men, hear an old man to whom old men hearkened when he was young. – Augustus Caesar

Your Honour, in the first place, as they say, I am going to say it. I was going to say what you said and the reason I am going to say it, is not because you just said it. If you had not said it, I was going to say it first.

Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don’t believe a thing he tells you.

Your artistic license has just been revoked.

Your friends will know you better in the first minute you meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years. – Richard Bach, ‘Illusions’

Your mind understands what you have been taught; your heart, what is true.

‘Your son still sliding down the banisters?’
‘We wound barbed wire around them.’
‘That stop him?’
‘No, but it sure slowed him up.’

Youth – not a time of life but a state of mind… a predominance of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over the love of ease. – Robert F Kennedy

Youth and discretion are ill-wedded. - Francis Bacon

Youth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret. – Benjamin Disraeli, ‘Coningsby’

Youth is a disease from which we all recover. – Dorothy Fuldheim

Youth is not a time of life, it is a state of mind; it is a temper of the will, a quality of the imagination, a vigour of the emotions, a predominance of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over love of ease.
Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years; people grow old only by deserting their ideals. Years wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. Worry, doubt, self-distrust, fear, and despair – these are the long, long years that bow the head and turn the growing spirit back to dust.
Whether seventy or sixteen, there is in every being’s heart the love of wonder, the sweet amazement at the stars and the starlike things and thoughts, the undaunted challenge of events, the unfailing childlike appetite for what next, and the joy and the game of life.
You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as old as your despair.
So long as your heart receives messages of beauty, cheer, courage, grandeur and power from the earth, from man, and from the Infinite, so long you are young.

– Samuel Ullman

Youth is such a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. – George Bernard Shaw

Youth is the trustee of posterity. – Benjamin Disraeli

Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.

Zeno first started that doctrine that knavery is the best defence against a knave. – Plutarch